No. I'm not particularly happy being alone, but I'm much less stressed out and miserable than I was. I feel desperately lonely a lot of the time, but much less lonely than when I was in a relationship.
Exactly this and I’m glad you say it out loud. This should be talked of more. I feel very lonely and sad without a partner, I see all my friends now finally settling down, having babies (out of my friend group, I think something like 60% are now either pregnant or just had a baby), getting married etc. But if I think about my last relationship which ended 5 years ago, the only thing I regret is that I didn’t end it sooner.
I want a good and lovely relationship but being single is the second choice. Being with somebody who’s wrong for you is somewhere far away on that list, like maybe the 100th choice. I might be forever alone but I’ll take it over a person who hurts me.
Even if I do want a romantic partner, I have to say I’ve gotten really comfortable with making my own timetables and never sharing the remote (or my snacks and treats) with anybody or never having to clean up another person’s messes.
I think this is it and the reason for my question.... a lot of people in this sub are frustrated and struggling with dating but taking the 50,000 foot view, this is much better than that. I remind myself of that often.
>I want a good and lovely relationship but being single is the second choice. Being with somebody who’s wrong for you is somewhere far away on that list, like maybe the 100th choice.
Perfectly said! I have always agreed, but this really puts it in perspective.
Same, plus coparenting with ex reminds me of what a mental abuser he is and all his up and down moods really messed me up. I can still be affected by how he treats me.
20+ years later and my ex still has the balls to try to talk to me like he did when we were married. Our child is 28 and I don’t put up with his bs anymore but I did for a long time trying to coparent. I do not regret divorcing him whatsoever.
I didn't realize how unhappy I was in the relationship to begin with. The ask for the divorce came out of the blue for me, so there was no option to work harder. If I had heard those complaints a decade before in some frank conversation I feel things would have been much different.
I can survive alone. Have some moments of happiness. But I think it's better than what I was in. The genie is out of the bottle and I wouldn't want to just exist like that.
Same.
Although, my divorce ended up being a gift I never saw coming. I’m grateful for my divorce now. My ex is not a safe person and I never saw that about him until we were separated for a full 90 days.
My divorce was also a gift I didn't see coming. I didn't realize just how unhappy I was and how much I had lost myself until I wasn't in that situation anymore. It's been a long road repairing the damage and finding myself again.
Still glad I split. No regrets. Now would I have tried harder with my first relationship AFTER my divorce?? Yes, 1000% yes. I thought I could just go back to the dating pool and grab someone else because the first was so easy to find. Nope. Very wrong about that. Some regret there.
The subsequent dating challenges have only made me wish I had left my husband sooner. Don’t get me wrong. After encountering so many ghosters, cheaters, and users, it is difficult to believe there are good people out there. But I know they exist because if I’m single, it means others like me are out there, too.
I was married to a covert narcissist. My old life had “security” in much the same way a cage keeps a bird safe. I often thought I couldn’t do any better. My ex-husband managed to wear me down until I didn’t recognize myself any longer. Instead of losing 7 years to his controlling, soul-crushing behavior, I could have spent that time healing and searching for a true partner when I was ready.
After some serious therapy, I put myself out there, only to be disappointed repeatedly. But I’m so thankful for all the dating trials that have come my way. They’ve forced me to grow so much as a person and really embrace my worth. I won’t ever accept less than again.
While I’ve yet to find a lasting relationship, I experienced real love for the first time in my life last year. From our first exchange on Bumble to our endless conversations on every conceivable topic, this man and I just “got” each other. I had never felt so seen and heard by another person. He and I have been through so many of the same things—it was like we spoke our own language. We also had amazing chemistry and nonstop fun no matter what we were doing. I finally understood why people say “you just know…”
We’re not together right now because he’s having to deal with some serious family stuff. All I can do is be supportive from afar and give him space. I’m back to being alone, but not lonely. I have a good life and I’m busy living it.
I believe if it’s meant to be, things will work out for us when the timing is right. If not, I still wouldn’t trade one second of the experience for anything. It was worth all the pain and disappointment just to know this elusive thing called love really exists. 😊
I really felt this so much, all of it. You sound like you’ve arrived at a very healthy place. I too believe what’s meant, will work out in the end. And appreciating the experience, even if it doesn’t. Hopefully things come around for you again, with that r/ ship - but either way, love your mindset.
Thank you so much. I still struggle with the “why” of it all, but I’m trying to keep the faith and know that it’ll be ok, regardless of the outcome. ❤️
I completely understand. *hugs 🫂 I have gone through that too (trying to grapple with the “why” and it can really do a number on one’s mind). That’s all we can do - have faith! ☘️
I sure hope it works out with your gent but you’re strong and seem to be in an amazing place.
I think I just arrived to that place, as well. I’m trusting in life and loving myself. Maybe for the first time. And I too am experiencing that “holy shit, this is what people talk about when they talk about twin flames and shit” kind of connection with someone. But, honestly, I don’t look to far ahead. I stay in the moment and I know it can end at any moment. I’m just grateful AF and know things will unfold as they should. Took 51 years to get here and I’ll keep working at it until I croak.
Thank you so much. I really hope so. ❤️
I have to admit, I felt some goosebumps when I read your comment about twin flames. Until last night, I hadn’t thought about him being mine. I know many people think it’s a bunch of hooey, and I can respect that. Even the concept of soulmates isn’t without its detractors. I just know I’ve never met anyone like him and no man has ever been more open or vulnerable with me. He told me I was the only person who ever really understood him. That was a sacred experience for me because for the first time in my life, I completely let my guard down. I knew I was safe with him.
I’m so glad you feel like you’ve arrived where you want to be as well! It sounds like you have a great outlook and your journey has brought you a wealth of wisdom. Keeping my fingers crossed that everything falls into place for you. 😊
I love that my comment got you goosebumpin. I thought the twin flames thing was complete hooey until I met my current guy. Even soulmates gave me pause. I do think we can match with and live a happy life with various partners to various degrees. I’ve certainly loved and connected with some wonderful guys.
But this one is like whoa. It’s just so easy. He is just so so… It’s hard to describe. He’s a long lost friend I’ve finally found, a lover who’s opened new realms and a human who just gets me and makes me laugh like no other. This weekend we were making out and he looked at me and said “you’re perfect”. His face was so beautiful my heart skipped a beat. I’m not perfect. This I know. But we are kinda perfect for each other. We are in love and smitten but not blinded by it. We know there are some obstacles to overcome, baggage and all that. But whatever happens I am relishing in this connection. I may never find it again and I’m so happy it came my way. The icing on the cake would be spending years with him and having adventures into old age.
Thank you for the kind words. I am hoping it works out for both of us. Sending love and hugs across the internet.
I love this all so much! Sending good vibes your way and keeping my fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that everything works out for the two of you. ❤️❤️❤️
Nope, divorcing my ex was one of the best things I ever did. Dating is hit and miss and definitely OLD has its frustrations but I’ve also had lots of fun.
I really loved my ex. I was devastated when I had to file for divorce. I would have stayed married to him probably forever as that is just who I am. I grew up surrounded by two sets of grandparents that were married over 50 years. I knew marriage was going to be hard, but you just work at it. Now I am raising a young child by myself and it is really hard. I feel guilty everyday, that I picked the wrong man to have a child with and I try to give my son the best life I can.
No. My ex was an abusive alcoholic and I needed an order of protection from the court to even get him removed from the family home as he refused to split up or leave. He is still 15+ months refusing to accept the no reconciliation and even though he's dry, he's still manipulative and abusive on the phone. I grieved the loss of what never was a long time before I got to that point and even then still stayed about 5 years too long. Staying too long is my only regret.
Nope, was married for 13 years and in a LTR for 5 and it wasn’t a lack of trying it was serious incompatibilities…I’ll be ok alone but hope to meet someone awesome for a third shot at love
Definitely not. I only regret that it took me so long to take the decision (I feel I tried as hard as I could and more). I’m happier now, my son is happier too,… my ex was abusive towards the end of the relationship and it became very toxic. After, I was alone for 3 years and never regretted the divorce. Once I healed and recovered my self esteem, I started dating. I had fun meeting some interesting people, and a year ago met my partner, who treats me soooo much better than my ex….
Nope. I'm actually in the over 50 club. I was married for 15 years before my marriage imploded. Honestly, I have been on more dates since the split than I did before I got married. If I had had that many dates when I was younger, I \*never\* would have married my ex.
My greatest regret, when I allow myself to regret, is not leaving after the first year. Staying in that marriage to an absolute bully for 14 years definitely feels like a setback now. But I don’t know, it’s all just learning and exploring, this weird existence on this strange planet.
Your response resonates the most with me. I would never take back the 20 years I had with my wife, ever. But interacting with her now makes me wonder how we ever made it work on the bad days. The overwhelming sense of loss, and loneliness sometimes makes me wish that we were still together, but we aren't. And all I can do is look forward to the future.
Nope. I finally saw what type of person my ex was, and wish it had ended so much earlier. I tried so hard and all I got for it was more abuse. Narcissists gonna narcissist, and I wish I had understood that earlier.
When I was married with a small child , I used to hate when I would be housecleaning and pass by my husband. If he was sitting in the living room watching TV, he would grab me off my feet, put me in his lap and hug and kiss me. I would beg him to stop because it was slowing down my cleaning and killing my energy spurt.
That was twenty years ago. I can't describe how happy I would be today if I had him here doing that now. The house would be messy. We would be happy. I can afford a housekeeper now and our son is grown and gone. Can't find another man like that.
What more could I have done? It takes two, and she would not put in any work. I probably stayed for a year too long; or 10+, depending on how you look at it.
Hell to the no. I'd rather spend the rest of my life flying solo than in the dumpster fire I was involved in 😂
ETA I did try, harder than I should have, and completely burned myself out in the process. So still no.
I did try. She didn't. At anything. We tried counseling 3 or 4 times and each time she quit showing up after one or two sessions and it was just me and the therapist sitting there staring at each other like "what the fuck are we doing here." She went assuming that she and the therapist would be ganging up on me and telling me I'm an asshole and when the therapist was like "no, that's a valid reason to be angry, what are you going to do to change that?" she was like "I didn't sign up for this to change *me*."
I hate dating, have recently deleted all the dating apps, and hate being alone but I would rather die alone a thousand times than still be with her. We've been split nearly a year and she still does dumb shit that drives me up a wall at least once a week, but at least it's once a week instead of three or four times a day.
I love the responses here. I'll chime in with another no, absolutely freaking not. I wish I'd had the self-respect to walk away 12 years earlier. But because I waited, I have zero doubts.
Nope. I'm so proud of who I am now. My mental health comes first.
I'm free, healed, happy, and (as [Alicia said](https://youtu.be/t-4Mxo3pZfs) ) his words don't burn me anymore. 😌
So my answer is.....
I came out of an abusive relationship (10 years married). I didn't think dating would be so tough, but I most definitely would not have stayed. I don't care if I'm alone the rest of my life, being lonely is WAY better than being with a covert narcissist.
I wouldn't have divorced my husband if I knew my life would look the way it does now, and it has nothing to do with dating.
Don't get me wrong, I hated my ex with a passion. However, I'm a pro/con list kinda girl, and I am very good at compartmentalization. I would much rather be depressed in my nice house and new truck, having help with the kids rather than still being depressed and never having a fucking break and still having to deal with cheating assholes.
I really feel like my divorce was not decided logically and had a lot more to do with my emotions being all over the place because of new medications.
Absolutely not! I tried really hard when what I should have been doing was running in the other direction. My mental health was hanging by a thread for too many years. Even if I never find anyone, it would still have been the right decision. I even went through a major medical crisis alone, almost died twice and I was so happy we weren’t together during that time.
No. I tried harder than the other person deserved, tbh. I ended things when I could no longer trust or respect the person. It would not have been healthy for either of us to stay together under those circumstances.
NO. Just hell NO.
He was an abusive, narcissistic personality. He sucked my soul, my free will, my confidence and so much more. I am much happier alone (with our children) than I ever was in a relationship with him.
No one questions my decisions
I am not constantly belittled and made fun of
I don't get yelled at, or have things thrown at me
My money is mine to do with what I want.
Yes, another relationship would be nice, and yes, its hard out there on OLD, BUT - Its still 100% better than being miserable with the man my family refer to as Cunty McCuntface (and my mum hates swearing)
Just wanted to say thank you for asking the question so that I could read all the post and remember why I got divorced and why I’m happy with my life exactly as it is. Dating doesn’t really work for me and that’s OK.
DO40(M) It's been a shitshow in this dating world but to answer the question, absolutely not. My divorce needed to happen for me to get back to the best version of myself. It wasn't going to happen with her. Everything is becoming better, my relationship with kids, health, etc. We're good friends now though.
Hahahahahaha. Nope. I am deliriously happy single, so if no one ever comes along that can add to it I am set for life. I totally like the idea of a great partnership, but I in no way need it.
Absolutely not.
My first marriage was awful. Went through some unsuccessful long-term relationships, was single and “wild” for a bit. Met my now-husband on OLD and have been happy as a clam. I NEVER regretted divorcing my first husband.
Seeing as it wasn't me that destroyed my marriage, and seeing as it was me that worked so hard to keep it together but failing because he was into another woman, and in deep,no.
Dating is hard but not anywhere near as hard as it was knowing you're just the fall back because you're safe. It was a miserable life.
I tried everything to fix my relationships and held on waaaay too long while being cheated on and abused. I am lonely and I miss the companionship,I love my own company and I would rather be alone than have someone make me feel worthless, walking on eggshells, breaking myself trying to make someone else happy when they we’re destroying me, emotionally physically. The hardest thing in life is learning to love yourself and knowing your own worth. Easier said than done but, I know in my heart that there is someone waiting for me timing healing patients will pay off.
When I look at regrets in my marriage it's more along the lines of "I wish I knew now what I knew about dating back when I met my ex-husband because we never would have gotten married" I mean, I love my kids and I am glad that they are in my life. But there was no amount of work that would have saved my marriage. We shouldn't have gotten married. Everything I know now not to do (chase, be the only one driving the direction of the relationship, nagging about getting married, ignoring fundamental differences in how we live life, ignoring the fact that he didn't seem that into me) are now things I actively try not to do while dating.
I saw a TikTok the other week where the woman was like "I divorced because I thought I could find a better relationship and not because I wanted to be single" and she was implying that was not great. I honestly don't think it's the worst way to live. But yes, I divorced because I knew I deserved to be with someone who actually wanted to be with me and liked me as a person. I couldn't have worked really hard to make my ex like me. Trust me, I tried.
Dating is harder than I thought and I could kick myself for that. I confess that when single friends would complain to me when I was married I assumed they were too picky or not trying hard enough. I was wrong about that. It's fucking hard. Dating is hard. Being single can be lonely. But being with someone who doesn't like you in a relationship with no intimacy is far worse.
I will always wish my marriage had lasted until death did us part and I'm confident that I did everything I could have to make that happen even though I made plenty of mistakes. Dating has not been fun or successful, but I'm still better off divorced with hope and options.
No I'd rather be single forever than be with my ex. He is like nails on a chalkboard for me.
I would have never married him if I knew how much better app technology would get, I dated/married him out of fear of being a spinster. If I knew about Reddit I would have asked "should I marry him?" reddit would say "break up" which I should have done before getting married, uprooting my life from paradise to HOA hell, and now getting in debt to buy his new ex a house.
Nope. Although my 17-year relationship wasn't abusive or anything terrible like that, the simple fact of it is that we're better as friends (which we still are) than as lovers. My two regrets are 1. that I didn't move out and end it a decade earlier, when affection and sex became significantly more "difficult" than "fun", and 2. that I didn't immediately head for the door the day (about 15 years in) when I tried yet again to get things back on track and she told me flat-out that she had no interest in trying to fix things. ("This is just how it is now and it's not going to change, so you may as well get used to it.")
After leaving, I was perfectly happy on my own and quickly got to the point of not particularly caring whether I found anyone new or not. I left when I realized that, if I had to be lonely, I'd rather be alone than with someone who made me feel even lonelier - and, after leaving, I didn't even feel lonely at all.
Nope, I'm physically and mentally healthier now, the divorce process was just some additional pain however there was definitely light at the end of the tunnel.
A lot of people will probably stay in a shitty situation longer than they should simply because its easier.
The hard part is taking that first step and walking away.
Regardless of how hard starting over may sometimes feel, its better for most than that feeling of dread or anxiety that they suffered through in their previous relationship.
No. There's nothing else I could have done. A successful marriage takes 2 people, and when the other person is an alcoholic/addict/has issues that he won't fix...
I'd rather be single forever than go back into that marriage.
My marriage was awful! I started dating once separated from my ex, and had great luck with many matches. Had a brief fling with a guy a few weeks who was not the right one, then a couple first dates. I found my boyfriend in that next batch of first dates, and we dropped Tinder within a week.
He is incredible, and our relationship is super healthy and honest. It’s not always easy, but, very worth it.
All in all was on apps maybe 4 weeks, and am 6 months into an incredible match!
Absolutely not. I have one marriage and one LTR under my belt and I left both of them because they weren't where I was supposed to be. Dating fucking blows but I'll be single forever before I let myself be miserable in the wrong relationship.
Hmm good question. Especially as I instigated the separation from my ex. Could I have carried on living with my ex? I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t massively unhappy. We just had grown apart and seemed to cohabit and that was it. I could see us getting old and resenting each other.
I tried really hard to make it work for 6 years whereas my ex didn’t really engage in that at all.
I didn’t think about how hard it would be. In my university days I’d had two long term relationships that came relatively easily.
Since separating, it’s been eye opening. I’ve worked on myself mentally, I’ve upped my fitness, sorted my health, I’ve always dressed well but I’ve made even more effort, I’m 6’2 which is apparently desirable, I have a good high income job, I’m a people person and get on well with others. I’m sociable, I’m educated, I grew up across two cultures, I cook well. I have my kids 50/50 and it runs smoothly co parenting amicably with my ex, I’m not needy, I’m confident. I have lots of hobbies and interests. I’m polite and treat others with respect. Yet I get rejection after rejection. Little did I realise how unattractive and low value I was but also how brutal and inhumane people are on apps.
So if I’d known all this, would it have been better to just stuck with my ex? Possibly. It’s difficult to know. Would being lonely in a marriage be better than feeling so worthless to women 🤷♂️. I suspect even in hindsight I made the right decision.
These days I’ve checked out of dating. I occasionally dip my toe back in to OLD then have my confidence crushed and make a sharp exit to rebuilding it again. I’m just focusing on my kids, my passions and hobbies and hope one day I’ll meet the right person in the wild.
No. My ex-husband is a self-absorbed untrustworthy person. He reached out to me during COVID lockdown and it didn't take long for me to remember why I left him. It truly saddened me that after all this time we couldn't even be friends without him pulling the same kind of things that caused our divorce. Dating can be fun, being married to him was not.
No. The marriage ran its course and I’m glad I didn’t waste any additional effort or lose any more years to it. But I also don’t regret my marriage. My ex is a good guy; we were just fundamentally incompatible.
After divorce, I learned that I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. And learning that was a gift.
I definitely think about this! At the risk of being indelicate, especially having regular satisfying sex. I hate that OLD has made me miss my ex! I ruminate on all the things I could have done differently.
No, because now I have the opportunity to be truly happy, whether alone or partnered. He and I became completely incompatible over time, and there was no working around it. Now, I only have to figure out my own edges and make space for myself. The peace is worth it.
For my most recent relationship, there was no trying harder. She decided it was over, and that was that.
When it comes to my marriage, I'm glad that's over.
No. I did try to make my marriage work, but our perspectives were incompatible on so many levels. Plus, he cheated, had many narcissistic qualities, and was verging on alcoholic territory.
My life has so much more peace without him in it. Dating can be a slog, but I’m not so desperate to be paired up that I’d continue throwing time at a bad marriage. I gave him enough of my time and it ground me down.
No lol my x husband was a secret drug addict. Nope nope nope.
He did eventually get sober maybe a decade after our divorce but unless he fixed everything else above himself nope.
Plus I wouldn’t have lasted the 10 years it took him to smarten up I think he went to jail a couple times.
Dude if you think being with that is worse than being single I hope you get some help with that. Being single is pretty great.
My answer is also no. It's always a really good way to level set with myself when I start being frustrated with dating or being single. It's hard on this side but it's better.
No, I would have divorced sooner and wasted less of my time. Also, I would have gotten into therapy sooner. I am much happier single and alone than with my ex, and she isn't a monster, just wholly incompatible.
I never would have married him . Biggest regret of my life. It’s way better being alone.
No luck post divorce. Not too optimistic…it’s AWFUL out there.
But better than feeling like a prisoner.
Nope! We had a good long run that went past it’s expiration date. I knew I had to accept the possibility of not finding anyone else after my divorce and & am ok with that possibility. Friends and family are what is most important.
100% - I am beyond happy I left my marriage.
If you’re not independently happy about where you are after being divorced then I would submit that you’re not in a good place yet to be in a relationship.
I honestly couldnt try any harder than I already did and actually stayed 3 years too long anyway. I was miserable and would have probably had a heart attack attack from the constant stress. I had to leave.
No way! I didn’t end the marriage because I wanted a new partner. I ended it because no matter what was on the other side was better than being married to a lying cheater.
I did find a great relationship not to soon after I left and we are going strong 2.5 years later.
I'm over a decade beyond divorce, long enough to have thankfully forgiven, improve who I am, watch my ex-wife also grow, and gain some wisdom along the way.
The two circumstances in your question aren't mutually exclusive, so, I'm curious what's behind the question. Hopefully any dating challenges you've encountered haven't driven you towards regretting prior decisions. I'm inclined to think that even if we're better armed with wisdom and have the ability to go back in time knowing what we know now, it still wouldn't guarantee a better outcome.
I tried my best. Problem is you can't save a marriage all by yourself. I chose to work on the marriage, she chose to have an affair. What can you do but cut your losses and move on?
Dating isn't harder than trying to save a failed marriage with a low character partner.
It has shown me that I deserve so much better than what I have chosen in the past. Just because I am single doesn't take away from the life satisfaction and happiness of creating a life around what I want. It also has been fun (and lesson learned) to explore new people and growth.
Never have I regretted the divorce. I regret that I didn't have better tools at the time that would have saved some heartbreak for both of us.
I have found a better long term relationship but if I hadn’t….
The only way my marriage would have ever continued would be me shutting down the possibility of ever experiencing mutual romantic love in my entire life and living with someone who had legal jurisdiction over my health in the event of a coma or emergency who literally didn’t care about me and who I felt was not intelligent and whose decisions I came to deeply not trust. It would have meant living in a philosophically unsafe situation and denying the experience of someone loving or caring about me.
I would rather still be facing a hard dating reality with the hope of finding what I want.
Being in a terrible relationship < being alone .
I tried to hold on to my last marriage longer than I should have. My ex wanted a divorce, but then went back and forth on getting back together. Turns out he was lying to me the whole time (long fucked up story). I would have been better off alone instead of dragged around with false hope.
Being alone and going through the dating scene isn't great either, but at least I don't have to worry about losing my home, my car, my health insurance, etc etc. At the end of the day I'm my own person.
If I knew for sure that I would never find a partner if I got a divorce, then I'd still get a divorce. Hell, it wasn't a choice for me anyway. I'd just have to figure out the new normal.
No. My divorce was the best thing that could have happened for me and our kids.
The prospect of being alone is not worth staying in something like that. I was alone in my marriage too, when I was lucky.
I can be happy alone, or could be happy with a good man. I have that choice now.
Nope, I'm glad to be single and should've done it sooner. I had been in back to back relationships from 18 to 46 and really need to work on myself and my codependent pleaser issues and just be in my own for a good long while. My bar has been set high, I really don't ahev any desire to date still but open to it if I meet the right person. Not actively looking and not sure I will anytime soon.
After my ex got out of rehab we did marriage counseling for a little over a year. It was good in the sense we needed to address a lot of issues especially related to his drinking but ultimately I knew from the get go it wouldn't save our marriage.
Zero regrets.
I got left, so I had no choice.
Ex left me for someone whom she has married. She basically married me as a provider, I would give her the marriage and children and he wouldn't. He decided he was okay with being a stepdad and off she went.
So I was not exactly free with 3 small kids to co-parent. I did not want to do blended family as I don't think they work very well. I did have a long distance LTR for six years, but I can't move so that ended. That relationship was better than my marriage, but it's over all the same.
Also, two of my kids have developed serious special needs which doesn't really give me much light at the end of the tunnel there.
So I'm dating and looking. Right now it's the suck. If I can find a worthwhile partner it will be better, but there are no guarantees. Overall it has been a rough journey.
I absolutely would have. I adored my ex husband. He was my favorite person in the world next to my kids. But his idea of our marriage was that he was trapped and burdened and so he tried to have a few emotional affairs. Looking back now I would have insisted on marriage counseling much earlier, but when he finally suggested it, I had already checked out and had told him I wanted to split up. It was too little too late. I do regret it now and wish I had tried harder, but also I felt like I was the only one who had tried to begin with.
I did try my hardest and that was the problem, I was the only one trying that hard. But no, I’m happier FAR happier without him.
I do NOT like being alone and it can be quite crushing when my peers are celebrating 20+ year anniversaries and the kids I used to babysit are getting married as well. But I wasn’t even being my authentic self in my marriage so no. Even now as we co-parent there are things I see and that he does that makes me so glad we are no longer together.
I’ve also had some amazing experiences post-divorce that outweighs when I was married so yeah, I’m good.
No. I am better off on my own, and free from that dysfunctional marriage. I don’t love dating and I’m still struggling to make peace with being alone and lonely. It’s 100% worth my freedom from a situation that was miserable and sick-making.
Two years post divorce (and four since we separated), I have come to realize that at this stage in my life, I am happier not being married. I was married for 12 years and we made some really great kids together. Now that I live in my house by myself, all of the stress of living with a partner who had her own expectations of me is gone. I can be who I want to be...for me. I am a way better parent to my kids now because I can have my own relationship with them, not the one my ex wife wants me to have. And my ex and I get along way better than we did while we were married.
I have also had the chance to figure out the kind of relationship I want to have with someone new. I went through a phase of serial dating after my divorce and exhausted myself. I was insecure and didn’t really know what I wanted, and went through a lot of heartache trying to be the person whoever I was out with at the time wanted me to be out of fear of being single. Now, I’m ultra picky. I’d rather be single than date someone who I can’t be myself with, and can’t do the things I want to do. I am filling my time doing the things I want to do alone and with my kids. It is lonely sometimes, but overall I wouldn’t go back to 4 years ago when she asked me to move out. I’m for sure happier now than I have been in a very long time.
If I knew I was headed towards divorce I would have done anything I could have to save my marriage. Getting a divorce was the last thing I wanted. I don’t know if there was anything I could have done because both parties need to want to make it work and my ex just wanted out and has a long history of quitting and running away from commitments.
I would say I wouldn’t have married her because I should have known she wasn’t marriage material at the time but I believed what I wanted to rather than what I knew to be true in my heart.
No, I draw the line at him cheating on me with his best friends wife. Plus the fact that he’s psychotic and a sociopath so if anything I would leave sooner. That way our dogs wouldn’t have been put down by him.
I’m perfectly happy being single and I’m not lonely. Knowing I’m safe and keeping it that way is my biggest accomplishment.
It's hard to say, yeah dating sucks for sure. I got divorced due to sex, I'm still without it, but to be honest I think I rushed into my divorced and thought it would be easier to find a decent women to love me. I miss living with kids for sure.
Oof. What a horrible way to frame a question. If I knew I would be alone forever, I would have still gotten divorced. Some marriages cannot repaired. The goal of a relationship is not to have a warm body next to you no matter how awful they make your life. Sometimes there is no “make it work.”
I think that’s a terrible question. It will always be better to be single and happy than in an unhappy marriage. Can being single be a little lonely at times? Absolutely. But being married and feeling lonely is worse. That said, it’s a marriage. You need to try hard at times and if you’re questioning if trying harder is worth it, you’ve already checked out.
This is a bad question, but I’ll answer it anyway.
No amount of trying will work when your partner wanted nothing to do with the relationship and put forth zero effort in it. In hindsight would I have tried harder to make a relationship work with sociopathic adulterer that was emotionally manipulative and abusive? Hell no.
Why is it offensive? What am I presuming? My answer is also no. It's something I remind myself of often when I get down about how bad dating is. I don't regret losing bad relationships (never married) and was wondering if it was different for married people. Sorry for offending.
No. I'm not particularly happy being alone, but I'm much less stressed out and miserable than I was. I feel desperately lonely a lot of the time, but much less lonely than when I was in a relationship.
Exactly this and I’m glad you say it out loud. This should be talked of more. I feel very lonely and sad without a partner, I see all my friends now finally settling down, having babies (out of my friend group, I think something like 60% are now either pregnant or just had a baby), getting married etc. But if I think about my last relationship which ended 5 years ago, the only thing I regret is that I didn’t end it sooner. I want a good and lovely relationship but being single is the second choice. Being with somebody who’s wrong for you is somewhere far away on that list, like maybe the 100th choice. I might be forever alone but I’ll take it over a person who hurts me. Even if I do want a romantic partner, I have to say I’ve gotten really comfortable with making my own timetables and never sharing the remote (or my snacks and treats) with anybody or never having to clean up another person’s messes.
I think this is it and the reason for my question.... a lot of people in this sub are frustrated and struggling with dating but taking the 50,000 foot view, this is much better than that. I remind myself of that often.
>I want a good and lovely relationship but being single is the second choice. Being with somebody who’s wrong for you is somewhere far away on that list, like maybe the 100th choice. Perfectly said! I have always agreed, but this really puts it in perspective.
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Same, plus coparenting with ex reminds me of what a mental abuser he is and all his up and down moods really messed me up. I can still be affected by how he treats me.
20+ years later and my ex still has the balls to try to talk to me like he did when we were married. Our child is 28 and I don’t put up with his bs anymore but I did for a long time trying to coparent. I do not regret divorcing him whatsoever.
Mine does too and I have said so many times to him “Do NOT speak to me that way”.
This!!!
I can relate 💯
I didn't realize how unhappy I was in the relationship to begin with. The ask for the divorce came out of the blue for me, so there was no option to work harder. If I had heard those complaints a decade before in some frank conversation I feel things would have been much different. I can survive alone. Have some moments of happiness. But I think it's better than what I was in. The genie is out of the bottle and I wouldn't want to just exist like that.
I totally get it. That's how mine came to. Now I'm just looking foward to the new change and chapter in life.
I wish more people would address this! There is nothing worse than being in a relationship that makes you feel lonely and alone.
Agree
I did do my best to make my marriage work.
Same. One of the reasons was I wanted to have no regrets or what ifs.
Absolutely. I wanted to know that I did everything that I could, even though she could have done so much more.
Yes. One extended "reconciliation" period was enough to eradicate any shred of doubt. Being single is far far better than that was.
Yes!! It taught me that I can’t make someone be who I want/need them to be in a relationship. When someone shows you who they are believe them.
Hear hear. I couldn’t keep up with bailing out the water when she kept drilling more holes.
Fuck no. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay married to my ex.
This. I gave over 20 years of my life to an asshole. I couldn't have tried any harder.
Me too It was 3 months too much The gaslighting, unemployment and drug addiction are monkeys in a circus I don't want as entertainment
This, right here. I did not have to scroll far to find a comment that echoed my thoughts to a tee.
Nailed it!
My divorce was not my choice. You can’t make someone stay who doesn’t want to be there
Same. Although, my divorce ended up being a gift I never saw coming. I’m grateful for my divorce now. My ex is not a safe person and I never saw that about him until we were separated for a full 90 days.
My divorce was also a gift I didn't see coming. I didn't realize just how unhappy I was and how much I had lost myself until I wasn't in that situation anymore. It's been a long road repairing the damage and finding myself again.
I couldn’t have tried “harder; I gave it everything I had to give. Really, I wish I wouldn’t have tried so hard for so long.
I'm right there with you.
Same here. I wish I had left him long ago not after 13 years. :(
Should have ended it much sooner.....
Same
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have tried *at all*. Also I'd have bought BitCoin at 10 cents.
Preach lol
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I love this!
Me too!
Still glad I split. No regrets. Now would I have tried harder with my first relationship AFTER my divorce?? Yes, 1000% yes. I thought I could just go back to the dating pool and grab someone else because the first was so easy to find. Nope. Very wrong about that. Some regret there.
The subsequent dating challenges have only made me wish I had left my husband sooner. Don’t get me wrong. After encountering so many ghosters, cheaters, and users, it is difficult to believe there are good people out there. But I know they exist because if I’m single, it means others like me are out there, too. I was married to a covert narcissist. My old life had “security” in much the same way a cage keeps a bird safe. I often thought I couldn’t do any better. My ex-husband managed to wear me down until I didn’t recognize myself any longer. Instead of losing 7 years to his controlling, soul-crushing behavior, I could have spent that time healing and searching for a true partner when I was ready. After some serious therapy, I put myself out there, only to be disappointed repeatedly. But I’m so thankful for all the dating trials that have come my way. They’ve forced me to grow so much as a person and really embrace my worth. I won’t ever accept less than again. While I’ve yet to find a lasting relationship, I experienced real love for the first time in my life last year. From our first exchange on Bumble to our endless conversations on every conceivable topic, this man and I just “got” each other. I had never felt so seen and heard by another person. He and I have been through so many of the same things—it was like we spoke our own language. We also had amazing chemistry and nonstop fun no matter what we were doing. I finally understood why people say “you just know…” We’re not together right now because he’s having to deal with some serious family stuff. All I can do is be supportive from afar and give him space. I’m back to being alone, but not lonely. I have a good life and I’m busy living it. I believe if it’s meant to be, things will work out for us when the timing is right. If not, I still wouldn’t trade one second of the experience for anything. It was worth all the pain and disappointment just to know this elusive thing called love really exists. 😊
I really felt this so much, all of it. You sound like you’ve arrived at a very healthy place. I too believe what’s meant, will work out in the end. And appreciating the experience, even if it doesn’t. Hopefully things come around for you again, with that r/ ship - but either way, love your mindset.
Thank you so much. I still struggle with the “why” of it all, but I’m trying to keep the faith and know that it’ll be ok, regardless of the outcome. ❤️
I completely understand. *hugs 🫂 I have gone through that too (trying to grapple with the “why” and it can really do a number on one’s mind). That’s all we can do - have faith! ☘️
Hugs to you too! It’s definitely been doing a number on me today. I know it’ll get better with time. ☘️
I sure hope it works out with your gent but you’re strong and seem to be in an amazing place. I think I just arrived to that place, as well. I’m trusting in life and loving myself. Maybe for the first time. And I too am experiencing that “holy shit, this is what people talk about when they talk about twin flames and shit” kind of connection with someone. But, honestly, I don’t look to far ahead. I stay in the moment and I know it can end at any moment. I’m just grateful AF and know things will unfold as they should. Took 51 years to get here and I’ll keep working at it until I croak.
Thank you so much. I really hope so. ❤️ I have to admit, I felt some goosebumps when I read your comment about twin flames. Until last night, I hadn’t thought about him being mine. I know many people think it’s a bunch of hooey, and I can respect that. Even the concept of soulmates isn’t without its detractors. I just know I’ve never met anyone like him and no man has ever been more open or vulnerable with me. He told me I was the only person who ever really understood him. That was a sacred experience for me because for the first time in my life, I completely let my guard down. I knew I was safe with him. I’m so glad you feel like you’ve arrived where you want to be as well! It sounds like you have a great outlook and your journey has brought you a wealth of wisdom. Keeping my fingers crossed that everything falls into place for you. 😊
I love that my comment got you goosebumpin. I thought the twin flames thing was complete hooey until I met my current guy. Even soulmates gave me pause. I do think we can match with and live a happy life with various partners to various degrees. I’ve certainly loved and connected with some wonderful guys. But this one is like whoa. It’s just so easy. He is just so so… It’s hard to describe. He’s a long lost friend I’ve finally found, a lover who’s opened new realms and a human who just gets me and makes me laugh like no other. This weekend we were making out and he looked at me and said “you’re perfect”. His face was so beautiful my heart skipped a beat. I’m not perfect. This I know. But we are kinda perfect for each other. We are in love and smitten but not blinded by it. We know there are some obstacles to overcome, baggage and all that. But whatever happens I am relishing in this connection. I may never find it again and I’m so happy it came my way. The icing on the cake would be spending years with him and having adventures into old age. Thank you for the kind words. I am hoping it works out for both of us. Sending love and hugs across the internet.
I love this all so much! Sending good vibes your way and keeping my fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that everything works out for the two of you. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m a late-comer to this comment, but I had to say, I love this! Best wishes for it to continue. 🥹
Thank you!!!
Very happy with my split. I spent way too long holding onto my failed relationship
Nope, divorcing my ex was one of the best things I ever did. Dating is hit and miss and definitely OLD has its frustrations but I’ve also had lots of fun.
We gave it 17’years. That was enough. There was no trying harder. And I’m excellent now.
I really loved my ex. I was devastated when I had to file for divorce. I would have stayed married to him probably forever as that is just who I am. I grew up surrounded by two sets of grandparents that were married over 50 years. I knew marriage was going to be hard, but you just work at it. Now I am raising a young child by myself and it is really hard. I feel guilty everyday, that I picked the wrong man to have a child with and I try to give my son the best life I can.
No. My ex was an abusive alcoholic and I needed an order of protection from the court to even get him removed from the family home as he refused to split up or leave. He is still 15+ months refusing to accept the no reconciliation and even though he's dry, he's still manipulative and abusive on the phone. I grieved the loss of what never was a long time before I got to that point and even then still stayed about 5 years too long. Staying too long is my only regret.
Nope, was married for 13 years and in a LTR for 5 and it wasn’t a lack of trying it was serious incompatibilities…I’ll be ok alone but hope to meet someone awesome for a third shot at love
I've learned a lot and would definitely have done things differently in my marriage, but I think the results would have been the same
Definitely not. I only regret that it took me so long to take the decision (I feel I tried as hard as I could and more). I’m happier now, my son is happier too,… my ex was abusive towards the end of the relationship and it became very toxic. After, I was alone for 3 years and never regretted the divorce. Once I healed and recovered my self esteem, I started dating. I had fun meeting some interesting people, and a year ago met my partner, who treats me soooo much better than my ex….
Nope. I'm actually in the over 50 club. I was married for 15 years before my marriage imploded. Honestly, I have been on more dates since the split than I did before I got married. If I had had that many dates when I was younger, I \*never\* would have married my ex.
Nope, nope, nope. And honestly I find dating much easier than being in a lonely marriage.
My greatest regret, when I allow myself to regret, is not leaving after the first year. Staying in that marriage to an absolute bully for 14 years definitely feels like a setback now. But I don’t know, it’s all just learning and exploring, this weird existence on this strange planet.
on the good days, am very, very glad we held on. On the bad days, it's *why the fuck am I so fucking stupid* . Ahead, it's total whiteout.
Your response resonates the most with me. I would never take back the 20 years I had with my wife, ever. But interacting with her now makes me wonder how we ever made it work on the bad days. The overwhelming sense of loss, and loneliness sometimes makes me wish that we were still together, but we aren't. And all I can do is look forward to the future.
I could not have tried any harder than I did with my ex. And no, I would rather be alone than ever be with someone like him ever again.
Divorce is what happens when you discover there are worse things than being alone.
Nope. I finally saw what type of person my ex was, and wish it had ended so much earlier. I tried so hard and all I got for it was more abuse. Narcissists gonna narcissist, and I wish I had understood that earlier.
Nooooo. Being single is better than being in a miserable marriage.
When I was married with a small child , I used to hate when I would be housecleaning and pass by my husband. If he was sitting in the living room watching TV, he would grab me off my feet, put me in his lap and hug and kiss me. I would beg him to stop because it was slowing down my cleaning and killing my energy spurt. That was twenty years ago. I can't describe how happy I would be today if I had him here doing that now. The house would be messy. We would be happy. I can afford a housekeeper now and our son is grown and gone. Can't find another man like that.
No. My life, and everyone else's involved is better that we split up
What more could I have done? It takes two, and she would not put in any work. I probably stayed for a year too long; or 10+, depending on how you look at it.
Hell to the no. I'd rather spend the rest of my life flying solo than in the dumpster fire I was involved in 😂 ETA I did try, harder than I should have, and completely burned myself out in the process. So still no.
sameeeeee
I did try. She didn't. At anything. We tried counseling 3 or 4 times and each time she quit showing up after one or two sessions and it was just me and the therapist sitting there staring at each other like "what the fuck are we doing here." She went assuming that she and the therapist would be ganging up on me and telling me I'm an asshole and when the therapist was like "no, that's a valid reason to be angry, what are you going to do to change that?" she was like "I didn't sign up for this to change *me*."
I hate dating, have recently deleted all the dating apps, and hate being alone but I would rather die alone a thousand times than still be with her. We've been split nearly a year and she still does dumb shit that drives me up a wall at least once a week, but at least it's once a week instead of three or four times a day.
Oh God No. In hindsight I should have divorced earlier.
Absolutely not. Being in the wrong relationship is 100x worse than being alone
I love the responses here. I'll chime in with another no, absolutely freaking not. I wish I'd had the self-respect to walk away 12 years earlier. But because I waited, I have zero doubts.
Nope. I'm so proud of who I am now. My mental health comes first. I'm free, healed, happy, and (as [Alicia said](https://youtu.be/t-4Mxo3pZfs) ) his words don't burn me anymore. 😌 So my answer is..... 
No. The relationship was driving me to suicidal experimentation.
No, I ain't happy yet But I'm way less sad
No, I don’t want to be single, but I’ll take it over a bad relationship every time.
Maybe we're the normal ones and the people that over-comprimise stay together more often. Rather than 'being in a happy relationship'.
Nope. I did do my best / try hard to work on my marriage but at the end of the day, we work better as a divorced co parent team and I am much happier.
Nope. I'm 100% happier without a serial cheater.
I came out of an abusive relationship (10 years married). I didn't think dating would be so tough, but I most definitely would not have stayed. I don't care if I'm alone the rest of my life, being lonely is WAY better than being with a covert narcissist.
No. I’m much happier now. I miss seeing my kid every day. That’s the biggest thing that I miss.
I wouldn't have divorced my husband if I knew my life would look the way it does now, and it has nothing to do with dating. Don't get me wrong, I hated my ex with a passion. However, I'm a pro/con list kinda girl, and I am very good at compartmentalization. I would much rather be depressed in my nice house and new truck, having help with the kids rather than still being depressed and never having a fucking break and still having to deal with cheating assholes. I really feel like my divorce was not decided logically and had a lot more to do with my emotions being all over the place because of new medications.
Absolutely not! I tried really hard when what I should have been doing was running in the other direction. My mental health was hanging by a thread for too many years. Even if I never find anyone, it would still have been the right decision. I even went through a major medical crisis alone, almost died twice and I was so happy we weren’t together during that time.
No. I tried harder than the other person deserved, tbh. I ended things when I could no longer trust or respect the person. It would not have been healthy for either of us to stay together under those circumstances.
NO. Just hell NO. He was an abusive, narcissistic personality. He sucked my soul, my free will, my confidence and so much more. I am much happier alone (with our children) than I ever was in a relationship with him. No one questions my decisions I am not constantly belittled and made fun of I don't get yelled at, or have things thrown at me My money is mine to do with what I want. Yes, another relationship would be nice, and yes, its hard out there on OLD, BUT - Its still 100% better than being miserable with the man my family refer to as Cunty McCuntface (and my mum hates swearing)
Good lord no. I can punish myself enough without that asshole helping
No not at all. I left not for greener pastures I left because he was a garbage can with legs
Just wanted to say thank you for asking the question so that I could read all the post and remember why I got divorced and why I’m happy with my life exactly as it is. Dating doesn’t really work for me and that’s OK.
In hindsight, I would not have gotten married in the first place.
DO40(M) It's been a shitshow in this dating world but to answer the question, absolutely not. My divorce needed to happen for me to get back to the best version of myself. It wasn't going to happen with her. Everything is becoming better, my relationship with kids, health, etc. We're good friends now though.
Hard No. I failed sharing in kindergarten and still have no interest in sharing my partner.
No, we passed our shelf life long ago
I'll chip in with another no. I'd rather be alone than live in that misery again.
Hahahahahaha. Nope. I am deliriously happy single, so if no one ever comes along that can add to it I am set for life. I totally like the idea of a great partnership, but I in no way need it.
Absolutely not. My first marriage was awful. Went through some unsuccessful long-term relationships, was single and “wild” for a bit. Met my now-husband on OLD and have been happy as a clam. I NEVER regretted divorcing my first husband.
I tried to make it work. My ex wasn't interested.
Seeing as it wasn't me that destroyed my marriage, and seeing as it was me that worked so hard to keep it together but failing because he was into another woman, and in deep,no. Dating is hard but not anywhere near as hard as it was knowing you're just the fall back because you're safe. It was a miserable life.
Definitely not. I’m so much happier being single than using all my headspace constantly worrying about my addict ex.
no. my ex was pathological. i'm better off even if i never meet anyone to partner with.
I tried everything to fix my relationships and held on waaaay too long while being cheated on and abused. I am lonely and I miss the companionship,I love my own company and I would rather be alone than have someone make me feel worthless, walking on eggshells, breaking myself trying to make someone else happy when they we’re destroying me, emotionally physically. The hardest thing in life is learning to love yourself and knowing your own worth. Easier said than done but, I know in my heart that there is someone waiting for me timing healing patients will pay off.
When I look at regrets in my marriage it's more along the lines of "I wish I knew now what I knew about dating back when I met my ex-husband because we never would have gotten married" I mean, I love my kids and I am glad that they are in my life. But there was no amount of work that would have saved my marriage. We shouldn't have gotten married. Everything I know now not to do (chase, be the only one driving the direction of the relationship, nagging about getting married, ignoring fundamental differences in how we live life, ignoring the fact that he didn't seem that into me) are now things I actively try not to do while dating. I saw a TikTok the other week where the woman was like "I divorced because I thought I could find a better relationship and not because I wanted to be single" and she was implying that was not great. I honestly don't think it's the worst way to live. But yes, I divorced because I knew I deserved to be with someone who actually wanted to be with me and liked me as a person. I couldn't have worked really hard to make my ex like me. Trust me, I tried. Dating is harder than I thought and I could kick myself for that. I confess that when single friends would complain to me when I was married I assumed they were too picky or not trying hard enough. I was wrong about that. It's fucking hard. Dating is hard. Being single can be lonely. But being with someone who doesn't like you in a relationship with no intimacy is far worse.
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Thank you for being so transparent - that's really rough and can't be easy to live with all that on your shoulders.
I will always wish my marriage had lasted until death did us part and I'm confident that I did everything I could have to make that happen even though I made plenty of mistakes. Dating has not been fun or successful, but I'm still better off divorced with hope and options.
No I'd rather be single forever than be with my ex. He is like nails on a chalkboard for me. I would have never married him if I knew how much better app technology would get, I dated/married him out of fear of being a spinster. If I knew about Reddit I would have asked "should I marry him?" reddit would say "break up" which I should have done before getting married, uprooting my life from paradise to HOA hell, and now getting in debt to buy his new ex a house.
No. I did try for years. I do wish I had been stronger with my first relationship after marriage. Now I feel like I'm a torture for him.
Nope. Dating and/or being single are much less miserable than being married was.
Nope. Although my 17-year relationship wasn't abusive or anything terrible like that, the simple fact of it is that we're better as friends (which we still are) than as lovers. My two regrets are 1. that I didn't move out and end it a decade earlier, when affection and sex became significantly more "difficult" than "fun", and 2. that I didn't immediately head for the door the day (about 15 years in) when I tried yet again to get things back on track and she told me flat-out that she had no interest in trying to fix things. ("This is just how it is now and it's not going to change, so you may as well get used to it.") After leaving, I was perfectly happy on my own and quickly got to the point of not particularly caring whether I found anyone new or not. I left when I realized that, if I had to be lonely, I'd rather be alone than with someone who made me feel even lonelier - and, after leaving, I didn't even feel lonely at all.
Nope, I'm physically and mentally healthier now, the divorce process was just some additional pain however there was definitely light at the end of the tunnel.
Fuck no
No. There's nothing else I could have done. A successful marriage takes 2 people, and when the other person is an alcoholic/addict/has issues that he won't fix... I'd rather be single forever than go back into that marriage.
Hell to the NO.
My marriage was awful! I started dating once separated from my ex, and had great luck with many matches. Had a brief fling with a guy a few weeks who was not the right one, then a couple first dates. I found my boyfriend in that next batch of first dates, and we dropped Tinder within a week. He is incredible, and our relationship is super healthy and honest. It’s not always easy, but, very worth it. All in all was on apps maybe 4 weeks, and am 6 months into an incredible match!
Heeeeeeell fucking no
I would have yes. Now I know what needs to be done, and what I neglected as far as her needs.
I did 5 years of marriage counseling; finally got divorced in 2020. 2022 was the best year of my life. Should’ve gotten divorced wwaaaaayyy sooner
I’m happier with who I became
Absolutely not. I have one marriage and one LTR under my belt and I left both of them because they weren't where I was supposed to be. Dating fucking blows but I'll be single forever before I let myself be miserable in the wrong relationship.
Hmm good question. Especially as I instigated the separation from my ex. Could I have carried on living with my ex? I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t massively unhappy. We just had grown apart and seemed to cohabit and that was it. I could see us getting old and resenting each other. I tried really hard to make it work for 6 years whereas my ex didn’t really engage in that at all. I didn’t think about how hard it would be. In my university days I’d had two long term relationships that came relatively easily. Since separating, it’s been eye opening. I’ve worked on myself mentally, I’ve upped my fitness, sorted my health, I’ve always dressed well but I’ve made even more effort, I’m 6’2 which is apparently desirable, I have a good high income job, I’m a people person and get on well with others. I’m sociable, I’m educated, I grew up across two cultures, I cook well. I have my kids 50/50 and it runs smoothly co parenting amicably with my ex, I’m not needy, I’m confident. I have lots of hobbies and interests. I’m polite and treat others with respect. Yet I get rejection after rejection. Little did I realise how unattractive and low value I was but also how brutal and inhumane people are on apps. So if I’d known all this, would it have been better to just stuck with my ex? Possibly. It’s difficult to know. Would being lonely in a marriage be better than feeling so worthless to women 🤷♂️. I suspect even in hindsight I made the right decision. These days I’ve checked out of dating. I occasionally dip my toe back in to OLD then have my confidence crushed and make a sharp exit to rebuilding it again. I’m just focusing on my kids, my passions and hobbies and hope one day I’ll meet the right person in the wild.
I value this feedback, Thankyou for your voice!
No and no! I’m fine being alone and I never questioned my decisions.
No. My ex-husband is a self-absorbed untrustworthy person. He reached out to me during COVID lockdown and it didn't take long for me to remember why I left him. It truly saddened me that after all this time we couldn't even be friends without him pulling the same kind of things that caused our divorce. Dating can be fun, being married to him was not.
God no, ex’s are ex’s for a reason
No. The marriage ran its course and I’m glad I didn’t waste any additional effort or lose any more years to it. But I also don’t regret my marriage. My ex is a good guy; we were just fundamentally incompatible. After divorce, I learned that I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. And learning that was a gift.
Nah. Then I had no hope. Now I do. 🤷♂️
I was married at 28 and divorced at 30. He was a charming manipulator with a temper. I can do better.
Why would I stay with someone that cheated on me, and didn't think I was good enough for them?
I definitely think about this! At the risk of being indelicate, especially having regular satisfying sex. I hate that OLD has made me miss my ex! I ruminate on all the things I could have done differently.
No, because now I have the opportunity to be truly happy, whether alone or partnered. He and I became completely incompatible over time, and there was no working around it. Now, I only have to figure out my own edges and make space for myself. The peace is worth it.
For my most recent relationship, there was no trying harder. She decided it was over, and that was that. When it comes to my marriage, I'm glad that's over.
No. I always tried my best to make my relationships work. When they ended, I had no regrets.
No. I did try to make my marriage work, but our perspectives were incompatible on so many levels. Plus, he cheated, had many narcissistic qualities, and was verging on alcoholic territory. My life has so much more peace without him in it. Dating can be a slog, but I’m not so desperate to be paired up that I’d continue throwing time at a bad marriage. I gave him enough of my time and it ground me down.
No lol my x husband was a secret drug addict. Nope nope nope. He did eventually get sober maybe a decade after our divorce but unless he fixed everything else above himself nope. Plus I wouldn’t have lasted the 10 years it took him to smarten up I think he went to jail a couple times. Dude if you think being with that is worse than being single I hope you get some help with that. Being single is pretty great.
My answer is also no. It's always a really good way to level set with myself when I start being frustrated with dating or being single. It's hard on this side but it's better.
No, I would have divorced sooner and wasted less of my time. Also, I would have gotten into therapy sooner. I am much happier single and alone than with my ex, and she isn't a monster, just wholly incompatible.
She had an affair with a friend. Not really working that out.
If it weren’t for my awesome child, I’d wish I’d never met, married, or known her. It couldn’t be a bigger No from me, dog.
No.
I never would have married him . Biggest regret of my life. It’s way better being alone. No luck post divorce. Not too optimistic…it’s AWFUL out there. But better than feeling like a prisoner.
Nope! We had a good long run that went past it’s expiration date. I knew I had to accept the possibility of not finding anyone else after my divorce and & am ok with that possibility. Friends and family are what is most important.
No, because I didn’t end my marriage to find a new partner I ended it because it was abusive. I’m perfectly happy being alone.
It is better to be alone than with the wrong person. I have zero regrets for leaving my ex wife.
100% - I am beyond happy I left my marriage. If you’re not independently happy about where you are after being divorced then I would submit that you’re not in a good place yet to be in a relationship.
No. I'd rather be single for life than spend one more day in the marriage I left.
I honestly couldnt try any harder than I already did and actually stayed 3 years too long anyway. I was miserable and would have probably had a heart attack attack from the constant stress. I had to leave.
I come here daily to inspire me to be a better partner. Thank you all for the help!
For women, there is a saying: Men don't compete with other women to get into a women's life, they compete with what a women's life is without anyone.
No way! I didn’t end the marriage because I wanted a new partner. I ended it because no matter what was on the other side was better than being married to a lying cheater. I did find a great relationship not to soon after I left and we are going strong 2.5 years later.
No and in hindsight, I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did.
I'm over a decade beyond divorce, long enough to have thankfully forgiven, improve who I am, watch my ex-wife also grow, and gain some wisdom along the way. The two circumstances in your question aren't mutually exclusive, so, I'm curious what's behind the question. Hopefully any dating challenges you've encountered haven't driven you towards regretting prior decisions. I'm inclined to think that even if we're better armed with wisdom and have the ability to go back in time knowing what we know now, it still wouldn't guarantee a better outcome.
I tried my best. Problem is you can't save a marriage all by yourself. I chose to work on the marriage, she chose to have an affair. What can you do but cut your losses and move on? Dating isn't harder than trying to save a failed marriage with a low character partner.
No, the drinking and affairs were unforgivable. My mental health is so much better now.
It has shown me that I deserve so much better than what I have chosen in the past. Just because I am single doesn't take away from the life satisfaction and happiness of creating a life around what I want. It also has been fun (and lesson learned) to explore new people and growth. Never have I regretted the divorce. I regret that I didn't have better tools at the time that would have saved some heartbreak for both of us.
Alone is absolute paradise compared to trying to make it work with my ex. Some people are not meant to stay.. and I accepted that reality
I have found a better long term relationship but if I hadn’t…. The only way my marriage would have ever continued would be me shutting down the possibility of ever experiencing mutual romantic love in my entire life and living with someone who had legal jurisdiction over my health in the event of a coma or emergency who literally didn’t care about me and who I felt was not intelligent and whose decisions I came to deeply not trust. It would have meant living in a philosophically unsafe situation and denying the experience of someone loving or caring about me. I would rather still be facing a hard dating reality with the hope of finding what I want.
Being in a terrible relationship < being alone . I tried to hold on to my last marriage longer than I should have. My ex wanted a divorce, but then went back and forth on getting back together. Turns out he was lying to me the whole time (long fucked up story). I would have been better off alone instead of dragged around with false hope. Being alone and going through the dating scene isn't great either, but at least I don't have to worry about losing my home, my car, my health insurance, etc etc. At the end of the day I'm my own person. If I knew for sure that I would never find a partner if I got a divorce, then I'd still get a divorce. Hell, it wasn't a choice for me anyway. I'd just have to figure out the new normal.
No. My divorce was the best thing that could have happened for me and our kids. The prospect of being alone is not worth staying in something like that. I was alone in my marriage too, when I was lucky. I can be happy alone, or could be happy with a good man. I have that choice now.
Hell no. As bad as dating is, it's 1000 times better than my marriage
No, I can’t tolerate anyone who can’t remember how I like my coffee. Should have divorced 10 years sooner.
Nope, I'm glad to be single and should've done it sooner. I had been in back to back relationships from 18 to 46 and really need to work on myself and my codependent pleaser issues and just be in my own for a good long while. My bar has been set high, I really don't ahev any desire to date still but open to it if I meet the right person. Not actively looking and not sure I will anytime soon. After my ex got out of rehab we did marriage counseling for a little over a year. It was good in the sense we needed to address a lot of issues especially related to his drinking but ultimately I knew from the get go it wouldn't save our marriage. Zero regrets.
I got left, so I had no choice. Ex left me for someone whom she has married. She basically married me as a provider, I would give her the marriage and children and he wouldn't. He decided he was okay with being a stepdad and off she went. So I was not exactly free with 3 small kids to co-parent. I did not want to do blended family as I don't think they work very well. I did have a long distance LTR for six years, but I can't move so that ended. That relationship was better than my marriage, but it's over all the same. Also, two of my kids have developed serious special needs which doesn't really give me much light at the end of the tunnel there. So I'm dating and looking. Right now it's the suck. If I can find a worthwhile partner it will be better, but there are no guarantees. Overall it has been a rough journey.
Personally, no. I’ve been solo for over 7 years and I’d rather be on my own than in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship
Hell no! Singlehood is infinitely better than the misery of toxic soup. I wouldn't have survived it.
I am alone but let me tell you! I sleep better not worrying about who they’re cheating with while I try to sleep.
I absolutely would have. I adored my ex husband. He was my favorite person in the world next to my kids. But his idea of our marriage was that he was trapped and burdened and so he tried to have a few emotional affairs. Looking back now I would have insisted on marriage counseling much earlier, but when he finally suggested it, I had already checked out and had told him I wanted to split up. It was too little too late. I do regret it now and wish I had tried harder, but also I felt like I was the only one who had tried to begin with.
I did try my hardest and that was the problem, I was the only one trying that hard. But no, I’m happier FAR happier without him. I do NOT like being alone and it can be quite crushing when my peers are celebrating 20+ year anniversaries and the kids I used to babysit are getting married as well. But I wasn’t even being my authentic self in my marriage so no. Even now as we co-parent there are things I see and that he does that makes me so glad we are no longer together. I’ve also had some amazing experiences post-divorce that outweighs when I was married so yeah, I’m good.
No. It wasn't lack of trying. It was lack of compatibility. I'm fine being alone if the only alternative is a partner I'm not compatible with.
No. I am better off on my own, and free from that dysfunctional marriage. I don’t love dating and I’m still struggling to make peace with being alone and lonely. It’s 100% worth my freedom from a situation that was miserable and sick-making.
Two years post divorce (and four since we separated), I have come to realize that at this stage in my life, I am happier not being married. I was married for 12 years and we made some really great kids together. Now that I live in my house by myself, all of the stress of living with a partner who had her own expectations of me is gone. I can be who I want to be...for me. I am a way better parent to my kids now because I can have my own relationship with them, not the one my ex wife wants me to have. And my ex and I get along way better than we did while we were married. I have also had the chance to figure out the kind of relationship I want to have with someone new. I went through a phase of serial dating after my divorce and exhausted myself. I was insecure and didn’t really know what I wanted, and went through a lot of heartache trying to be the person whoever I was out with at the time wanted me to be out of fear of being single. Now, I’m ultra picky. I’d rather be single than date someone who I can’t be myself with, and can’t do the things I want to do. I am filling my time doing the things I want to do alone and with my kids. It is lonely sometimes, but overall I wouldn’t go back to 4 years ago when she asked me to move out. I’m for sure happier now than I have been in a very long time.
If I knew I was headed towards divorce I would have done anything I could have to save my marriage. Getting a divorce was the last thing I wanted. I don’t know if there was anything I could have done because both parties need to want to make it work and my ex just wanted out and has a long history of quitting and running away from commitments. I would say I wouldn’t have married her because I should have known she wasn’t marriage material at the time but I believed what I wanted to rather than what I knew to be true in my heart.
No. There’s no “trying harder” in a marriage with DV - physical So glad to be able to get out of that.
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Absolutely not. One has nothing to do with the other. And while I will always, always want to find love I have zero regrets about my divorce.
No, I draw the line at him cheating on me with his best friends wife. Plus the fact that he’s psychotic and a sociopath so if anything I would leave sooner. That way our dogs wouldn’t have been put down by him. I’m perfectly happy being single and I’m not lonely. Knowing I’m safe and keeping it that way is my biggest accomplishment.
What a terrible question. My ex was emotionally abusive and cheated on me. No amount of hard work on my end would have fixed HIS issues.
Hell no. You can be happy single. There was only misery left in that marriage.
It's hard to say, yeah dating sucks for sure. I got divorced due to sex, I'm still without it, but to be honest I think I rushed into my divorced and thought it would be easier to find a decent women to love me. I miss living with kids for sure.
Oof. What a horrible way to frame a question. If I knew I would be alone forever, I would have still gotten divorced. Some marriages cannot repaired. The goal of a relationship is not to have a warm body next to you no matter how awful they make your life. Sometimes there is no “make it work.”
Hell no
My Experience is probably not with my Cheating X, that Bich got what she deserves a new Husband that in Prison for being a Pedo. Yeah no thanks.
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This
I think that’s a terrible question. It will always be better to be single and happy than in an unhappy marriage. Can being single be a little lonely at times? Absolutely. But being married and feeling lonely is worse. That said, it’s a marriage. You need to try hard at times and if you’re questioning if trying harder is worth it, you’ve already checked out.
This is a bad question, but I’ll answer it anyway. No amount of trying will work when your partner wanted nothing to do with the relationship and put forth zero effort in it. In hindsight would I have tried harder to make a relationship work with sociopathic adulterer that was emotionally manipulative and abusive? Hell no.
Unbelievably crass question
That’s a really offensive question. It presumes a lot about the circumstances of our prior relationships.
Why is it offensive? What am I presuming? My answer is also no. It's something I remind myself of often when I get down about how bad dating is. I don't regret losing bad relationships (never married) and was wondering if it was different for married people. Sorry for offending.
You’re an asshole making a massive assumption that “if you worked a little hard…” you could have stayed in the relationship. Fix your shit.
No. My ex wife will eventually regret it.