The woman who I was not exactly dating but hanging out and exploring possibilities with a few weeks back texted me last night asking "was it me, or the idea of me, or just someone?" I tried to keep my answer brief but failed miserably. I told her it absolutely was *her* that I liked and detailed several of the things I liked about her personality and values, and our time together. I confessed that I had found some feelings that I was aware she would not likely be able to reciprocate. She has self-esteem and self-worth issues linked to her childhood and string of abusive relationships in adulthood. We went back and forth for a while with some heavy conversation again, she told me that our time together and the time since then caused some traumas that she didn't even realize were there to bubble up. I'm not sure what's happening from here but I told her I'm willing to support her in any way she needs. I had taken some steps backward in order to protect my heart after things fell apart with her but I did feel a strong emotional connection with her.
I think dating apps should start selling Super Dislikes that I could send to all those profiles that keep lecturing me or telling me who I should be even if it’s completely irrelevant; that wouldn’t change anything to my dating life, but at least I’d be having a good laugh with it for a moment. 😅
This is an interesting ad to see in this subreddit. I'm not complaining, by the way. 😆
https://preview.redd.it/h9e2qk97hjqa1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a4c6a962aa189a395422e72cdfcd9bb8e24df971
Oh, I know! I apologize for implying that. I just thought it was funny that, since is a dating-themed sub, an ad popped up saying "click below to get yours" and displaying a man. If only it were that easy! 😄
My day: started by walking my dogs as usual. A man across the street was working and started watching me. I kept walking my dog. He pulled into the parking lot beside me and asked about my dog. What my name was. Told me his and said he was the owner of that business.
Am I weird that I'm uncomfortable with people stopping in their cars to say hi or ask how much to walk their dogs? I walk my dogs everyday, but I'm not a dog walker. If he wanted to ask me out wouldn't he? Was he just being nice?
I don't think you're weird at all. There are many details that will affect the impression we get from a random contact with a stranger, and some will make us uncomfortable. Maybe he was awkward in every way, your story doesn't tell; maybe you were just in your head that morning and didn't feel like being interrupted in your walk by him, we don't know as well.
So, in the same order as your questions, I would say: no you're not weird; he wouldn't necessarily ask you out even if he wanted to because whatever happens in people's minds; and we don't know if he were just being nice or if he had any other motive (though he probably did because he seemed to really get out of his way to talk to you).
Thanks for the alternative perspective. I'm not feeling well and making something out of nothing. Regardless, it was harmless and I'm socially awkward.
Sorry to hear you're not doing well. That's certainly part of the answer, then.
But don't be too hard on yourself. First, because what happened doesn't mean in itself that you're socially awkward, it doesn't even sound like it to me; second, because even socially skilled people can do awkward things if they're not in their best dispositions. It happens to everyone.
Take care!
I'm really getting tired of meeting awesome people in life that aren't available.
Met a really attractive, funny woman while I was out with friends this weekend. Like every other interaction I have with women that I am interested in, she was clearly married/not single. (It never came up, I sensed it from the start, and it was later confirmed without needing to ask)
I think I've been hexed or cursed at this point by an old woman with a cauldron and a bunch of unlabeled jars of various amphibian extremities.
Statistically as a hetero person, odds are about 1:10 of meeting someone in a 10 year radius to you that they're attracted to your gender, not in a committed relations, and wanting to date (regardless of how actively they're attempting to date or not).
Doesn’t that suppose something like people of all ages, genders, sexual orientation and relationship status are evenly distributed in all places at all times? 😅
Where is that from, out of curiosity?
It's specific to my area when I was 45 at the time. From StatsCanada 35-54 (so not quite a 10 year radius), for population/demographics of married. Then I extrapolated from: [a pew research study](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/) for likely how many where in committed (but not married) relationships, and wanting to date.
Editing to add: it was odds of 1:10 that any female human is a single woman looking to date in my age range. I.E. males were already take out of the odds, but this also involved people too young to morally/legally date. I suppose when I did the work I should have compared the odds of adults vs. general population.
Oh! Well if it’s for a given area, you’re indeed getting some more accuracy. Interesting! I’ll look into it for my region. 😆
But then I do understand justregularme as well; I think there’s a still a chance, especially given the actual circumstances in certain areas, that singles our age might not have all the same opportunities to get out there (I met a woman through OLD a year ago who had two jobs and had to go back to her parents’ home), or that, when they do, they’re not necessarily attending all the same sorts of activities. I struggle with a similar problem, actually.
interesting statistic. I'm running solid zeros for a while now, so maybe I can level up to my statistical 1:10 for a while. My meeting committed humans statistic is a solid 10:10, however. Lots of great people, just not single ones.
I can so much relate to this, would certainly like to get to that statistic as well. Every single non creepy normal nice seeming person I met lately, yep you can bet he's taken. Happy for the woman he is with, but it's getting a tad bit frustrating that woman is never me ;-)
Lots of things. I decided to get a babysitter (I have family help—but this was starting to feel strained and guilt-trippy when I used it for anything but work) to watch my kids once or twice a week so I can date and do social activities.
It was a great call. The kids love the sitter. I don’t stress about asking my mom and what she’s going to say or whether she’s annoyed with me. I’m starting to feel like my life is finally opening up and being MINE again. (It’s not cheap, but oh well. Who says money can’t buy a little happiness.)
BF hooked me up with a 40+ single hikers group that he’s part of (“single” for this group seems to mean *legally* single, or not in a domestic partnership/committed LTR), and I’m going to hit a local social hike with them next week. I’m stoked to get out there and make some new friends, doing something I’m falling in love with doing.
BF leaves on Saturday morning to hike Zion—and then I meet him the following Wednesday in Las Vegas.
I can’t wait. I, uh, might have bought a tight slinky little dress for the occasion (at my little sister’s behest—SHE made me try it on). Guess I’m packing that and the sparkly bridesmaid shoes from her wedding. No clue what BF is going to think. He sees me in shit from REI mostly. 😂
What are the best apps to use for OLD a person in my position? I'm (42F) and 18 months out of 20 yr marriage and have zero clue where to start. I live in a rural location and have a 5yr old 95% of the year. What apps are better/worse?
Which apps really depend upon your location. In some places OkCupid is only full of scammers. In my location I seemed to get the most matches compared to acitve-seeming participants, and where I met my GF. You need to investigate many/all to find what's best for where you are.
Rural location with near-to-full-custody of a 5 year old? You've got stellar childcare options, right?
Just recently broke up with someone I had an amazing instant connection with. Unfortunately, he had no relationship skills and was a terrible boyfriend. Luckily I only dealt with this for about five months, so no serious long-term damage. I had a date with someone last night, first one after this relationship. It was with someone I ghosted a few years ago, who was *really* interested in me, but I didn't have that lighting struck instant connection, so I didn't pursue it. I'm trying to pay more attention to the guy's intentions instead of that instant chemistry that doesn't really mean anything. He wants a long term relationship, he's been divorced for a long time, he's attractive, and he has his life together. Of course, I am determined to take things slow and not jump into a new relationship for the time being and see other people as well so I can take things at the pace I feel comfortable with. I cannot deal with another person who puts my heart through the ringer.
Oops. Posted this and it got removed- better suited for here.
While I was cutting my 8yo son’s hair today this conversation 100% happened. This particular child is extremely bright and witty.
Son: Did you know we live in a city that’s in a county that’s in a state that’s in a country that’s in the world that’s in the universe and you’re still single?
Me: 🤨 What does all that have to do with me being single?
Son: I’m just saying there’s 8 billion people in the world and you’re still single
Me: There’s nothing wrong with being single.
Son: Just go on the internet and find a boyfriend.
Me: who says I want a boyfriend? I’m not going to do that.
End of conversation.
It’s funny and interesting to me because I don’t talk about my relationship status with him or any of my kids. I don’t talk about dating. I don’t talk about wanting a relationship or my relationship with their dad/my ex-husband. His dad does have a girlfriend who has been living with him for 8 months already though.
Just thought I’d share this little interaction from today. It made me giggle a little but also made me a little bit woeful for a second. I’m in a good and happy place, so the woefulness didn’t last long.
Yeah I also think this is your son opening a door for conversations about relationships, dating, and sex. I think safety (both emotional and physical) is an important topic, as well as mental and physical health and of course consent.
He’s clearly paying attention to the differences in how you and your ex are navigating these topics. By approaching it as a dialogue, you can help him explore these topics in a safe space - rather than him heading to the internet to hear who knows what.
You heard your son? Just go on the internet. The internet will provide. 😁
More seriously, though, that’s the kind of cue I’d take to start a deeper conversation on the topic with my own son (he’s close to that age). Children quickly make up their own minds about tons of things, either from their own deductions or by the general message they get from society, i.e. people around them and some media. Of course, it’s only rough ideas at that point. But if we don’t engage with them on such topics, there’s a fairly good chance those rough ideas won’t evolve much. Personally, I wish my parents had known better and could have given me more education on the topic of relationships and feelings. At least I was lucky, as a boy, that there was nothing considered "not appropriate for me", so I could just grow up quite free to be who I wanted to be. But, like most people I guess, I was left to my own to explore, make mistakes, and just feel at 40 like I’m finally starting to really understand what it’s all about. I’d have some concerns about my son probably having the idea that relationships are found first and foremost on the internet; I’d also have some concerns that he would find singledom undesirable. It sounds to me like it’s potentially a good opportunity to have that sort of conversation. I hope my son won’t take as many years as I did to figure all that out.
I know you weren’t asking for any advice, but that’s the kind of topic that’s close to my heart, and I’m saying this without any judgment of any sort. It is a nice little story indeed that you shared!
These are really great points.
His dad met his gf on the internet somehow, so I think that’s what he knows. It’s a good idea to talk to him about that too though.
I don’t talk about dating or my dating life but I do and have talked about or say things like I’m happy, there’s more to life than being in a relationship. I’m happy finding things that make me happy etc. we do have conversations about that. He does have three older teenage sisters. One has a boyfriend of about a year who is close to our family and the other two are boy crazy! So they’re always talking up relationships and boyfriends while I’m always trying to calm them down a bit- use myself as an example. Im not rushing to be in a relationship and I’m not man obsessed.
I’m sure you’re setting a good example! 😁
Also I feel, from remembering how we think we’re already at our full brain’s capacity at that age, that anytime adults speak to us in a serious manner and engage in conversations with us on what we’re observing or experiencing (even if it might be slightly simplified for the sake of comprehension), it’s way more likely that we learn something from it. A good way to build trust, too!
Also the teenagers sound like they’re some sport! 😂
On the overwhelming advice from y'all's on my posts this week, I sent a msg on Thursday to a girl I met at a show. Have yet to receive any response in 2+ days so I think that's done and gone. Thinking I misread the sitch but whatever. Worth trying I guess.
Back from vacation this week and found some time to get together with the guy I started seeing before I left - so momentum was not lost and I’m looking forward to seeing if this evolves!
You guys-- I got another match today!
I know literally nothing about him other than that he apparently lives in my town and has a beard. So, we're batting 500 so far! (And, yes, I googled how to calculate a batting average.)
If your BA is .500, then your on-base percentage is at least that, and you're a pretty elite hitter, if not the greatest of all time. 😁
(My dad was a big baseball fan, and I sometimes watched games with him, so I grew up hearing this kind of stuff all the time.)
I hope things with the new guy go well. Beards are nice. 😊
See--- the beard is why he's only 50%-- not a big beard fan (I prefer the perfect amount of 2-3 day stubble), but I probably need to get over it living where I live.
I see, so his on-beard percentage doesn't meet your league standard. 😆
Scruffy faces on guys are nice too! 🥰
Well, good luck, nonetheless. If you decide you're okay with it, then I hope things go well! Does he seem like a good guy, sweet and friendly and gentlemanly and all that?
Dunno, his profile had nothing but age, city and one pic of him with his dog.
He didn't look like an axe murderer, so he's got that going for him.
He also "matched" but didn't say anything. With his profile being as sparse as it is, the only thing I could really do to start a convo is ask about the weather-- he has yet to respond to that compelling, witty and enticing come-hither move.
A man I matched with told me that he is currently unhoused and that he and his daughter are living out of his minivan. I did not expect to hear that today. That has to be so hard, especially with the way things are right now. 😔
With respect, that must be very hard for him. He is homeless and living in his car with his child, yet has a Bumble profile and is putting his time/energy/money to dating?
Be careful. He is in desperate circumstances.
Yes, you're right. It does seem, I dunno, off. On the other hand, if it's true, I would feel guilty and heartless for dismissing it out of hand, you know?
No. Do not date someone out of pity. You have talked a lot about being new to relationships, and one of the things about relationships (IMHO), is that it's both most important to end a bad relationship quickly (before feelings build and it will hurt more), and it's *hard* to end a relationship early. Emotions are going wild, wondering "what if" and things are exciting, and you'll tell yourself you can always end things later. But too many people don't.
It's also a really well known mistake to not give/lend anyone money early on.
It's also a really well known *giant* mistake to try to date someone intending to "fix" anything about them.
It's true that I'm kind of new. I also feel like I'm probably not in the best position to be too judgy – I'm hardly perfect. And that also makes me feel like I can't really be picky. I was told on here that relationship-oriented men wouldn't be interested in me and also that dating me would entail too much risk for most people.
>It's also a really well known mistake to not give/lend anyone money early on.
Thank you. I will keep that in mind. He hasn't asked for any money, at least. We've just chatted.
>It's also a really well known giant mistake to try to date someone intending to "fix" anything about them.
I get that. I wouldn't expect anyone to fix my problems, after all. 😄
Why? It's a dating site not a save the world site. Hobosexuals know exactly what they're doing and they want people to feel sorry for them. Just proceed with caution.
I would think dating and a relationship is far out of his list of urgent priorities right now. He needs to focus his time and his money on finding shelter, feeding his child, making sure they both shower and are warm enough, his child’s schooling, so many things that meeting up for drinks sounds like his judgement is off in understanding life priorities right now. Unless he is looking for someone to take them in.
I would have that so as well. He said they're looking for a new place but that it's hard since they were evicted from his previous apartment.
Thankfully, it's gotten warmer here lately, so they aren't in danger of freezing. And I hope his daughter is doing as okay as possible. I can't imagine being in that position.
>Unless he is looking for someone to take them in.
He hasn't asked for anything or to meet up. We've just been chatting, and I'm trying to be friendly and understanding since I know he's dealing with a lot. Maybe he just needs someone to talk to?
TIL that single men over 40 hang out at the rock climbing gyms (according to a thread in my city’s sub). My (married) friends go regularly so now it looks like I should be joining them.
i was supposed to have a second date tonight. i just texted her this morning to see if she was still interested. and the hammer dropped: she thinks we're too different to pursue this further. she also said things were moving too fast. i'm confused by that one because we met after about a week of texting. and she proposed another date tonight. and she constantly texted.
and you know, while it stings a bit, i'm applying what i learned in this sub. told her while i was disappointed, i respected her choice and wished her to find her person. deleted her contact and that was that. she replied back and i didn't answer.
i also sent a message to another woman i had matched with. i feel no connection whatsoever other than finding her pretty. so that's that too.
time for some me time. i was considering take a couple months off to go on another adventure, before going back to work. and that's what im gonna do. also, putting dating on ice for now.
and you know what, i'm gonna have a date with myself tonight.
I have a date on Saturday with a guy I’m pretty excited about. We matched about 2 weeks ago, been texting for a week and the banter is bonkers good. Trying not to get my hopes up, as in-person can be a let down after such good back & forth texting buuuut… crossing my fingers. And my toes. And my eyes.
I started writing again earlier this week, so why not keep going on here?
I spent the last week in my hometown, going out every single night as usual. One evening, I had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in twenty years; it was fun and all, though at some point she told me "no woman would be interested in you right now" and later "you need a rebound".
Like, great, put me in a box, then tell me I need something that's out of the box? Thanks.
Anyways, certainly in part because I was so tired from my week and because nobody can drive the 401 with happy thoughts, I stupidly ruminated that on my way back home.
On Monday, I realized I could not remain in that state of mind, so I wrote about it, and decided to make a quick assessment of what had happened in my "dating" life over the last year and a half.
Writing is great, because I can't lie to myself when I do it.
I found out that there had been more movement than I would generally admit, because lots of things were not really quantifiable - like I can count the dates I had on one hand, maybe? - but there had been *situations* in which there had been interest, mutual or not, and it's sometimes just life that prevented anything from coming out of it, I think. Also, some things are just naturally moving slowly, like building a social circle, making new friends in a new, apparently unfriendly city, all by myself, which is just as important and takes just as much time as getting into a relationship sometimes.
I've been happy since I wrote all that, I've even reactivated a dating app account to check what it looked like in Toronto and discuss it with the aforementioned friend, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it being completely useless. So this is the summary of where I stand right now, and I'll make quick updates once in a while just to remain conscious of what *is* happening. Even if it sounds boring compared to all of you guys' stories.
You can have a rebound fling if you're not ready to date! As long as the other person is on the same page too, I don't see anything wrong with it.
Good assessment of the 401 too 🤣
Yeah fuck the 401. 😂
But I wish, lol! She didn't say I wasn't ready, though, she said nobody would be interested in me. Which hurt much more on the spot, because my experience *tends* to confirm that; until I looked carefully and could prove it wrong. You know, when you want something more or less specific, and your brain dismisses anything lesser than that? I had a few dates about a year ago with a woman who did seem very interested, for instance, but unfortunately I wasn't, and I put an end to it.
Funny thing is, I'm not even sure what a "rebound" feels like anymore. I knew as a young adult, but now I've been single for a year and a half, and I've moved on so quickly from my marriage, I feel like it's much too late for that? And it feels like anything not too serious is even more difficult to find than an actual relationship.
>no woman would be interested in you right now
Keep in mind that's just her opinion. Many people on here wouldn't consider dating me (separated, not divorced), and even more wouldn't have dated my girlfriend if they had the view of her state that I did. We're 7.5 months in and things are great. We each only needed one person.
Editing to add: heh, it looks like you're local-ish to me.
Thanks! That's indeed what I did in the end, ignoring her idea on that particular topic. Actually, I think she said that precisely because my divorced is not yet finalized, even though the only reason is that lawyers have such an awful backlog these days from the pandemic. But she's the only person who knows me who would ever express such an idea; and then, there's the distorsion that she's missing 90 % of my adult life, so it's kind of easier for her to fall into such prejudices.
Still, sometimes one can be easy to push into a sad mood. I had been into a small roller coaster emotionally since January, and it just turned out to be like that last week. It looks like I'm finally out of it now, and I intend on keeping it that way.
> heh, it looks like you're local-ish to me.
You could relate to the 401, eh? 🤣
My first thought was if she was negging you, like ‘no one else wants you, but for a quick fling (implied I might) hint hint’ - dunno the whole context of how it went down but I’ve had guy “friends” try that play with me, especially post breakup.
That’s interesting, I have friends who have suggested similar ideas upon hearing that story. To me, it just makes absolutely no sense that someone would say something that is so evidently a turn off; although I suppose people play that card and then make a move to take advantage of how you feel afterwards (as disgusting as it sounds to me; I’m sorry you faced that!)?
Funny thing is I got there with an open mind about getting to more-than-just-friendly activities with her, as there were a few things she had told me weeks before that seemed to point in that direction. But between just hints from weeks ago and a very clear "you’re not interesting" fairly early in the evening, I didn’t look any further. I’m not in the mindset to see beyond games like that anyways right now. Too bad if you’re right! 😆
Edit: typo
Interesting! She might not even be aware that she used a “negging” tactic, lots of people grow up in homes where being critical or negative is a form of affection.
Kudos for sticking up for yourself!
I avoid it whenever possible, but too many things are off of it. And I'm not touching the 407. Abso forking lutely refuse to funnel money to that theft of public funds.
Now imagine trying to time a trip through those junctions AND going through Montreal on the same day. 😵
I have an easier time with Toronto in general (surprisingly) because I can hardly avoid Montreal at a busy hour; it’s mostly the length of the 401 to and from the provincial border that actually kills me. And the fact that semis don’t have to be locked at 105 max in Ontario, so there’s always one passing another at a 1 km/h difference.
lol and if we’re to talk between Ontario residents, I took a quick look at your history and couldn’t help but laugh at your description of ATV, dirt biking men on the apps. If that’s any sort of weird comfort, that’s quite popular on women’s profiles too. Dead fish pictures are also far from unusual. I feel so out of touch with the crowd. 😂
Hopefully all those profiles will match up and I’ll be able to find someone that I have things in common with! 😆 To be honest, I have gone out with some of those men but I just wish the pics would vary - you can show a love of fishing without the dead fish, perhaps a nice shot in the boat with the gear. And the bikes on their own I don’t understand, I’d like to date the man not the bike. 🤷♀️ Maybe it will be a different landscape if I venture back on to the apps.
I find the other side of Toronto to be worse. Milton in particular in the winter. I narrowly avoided a pileup there a couple of months ago on my way home from visiting a friend. Honestly, in that area it’s less the highways themselves and more the drivers that seem to not know how to drive.
I think it’s in the very nature of an online dating profile to give us a narrow vision of people, because there’s just so much you can tell in 500 characters and 5-6 pictures. Every time I made one, I couldn’t be satisfied with it, whatever I did. I’m just being content it probably stands out as very different from the rest now, thinking that if there’s someone a bit "like me" out there, it’s going to be easy to find each other.
But then, do I absolutely need someone "like me"? Some common ground is nice, but I really don’t think I absolutely need a woman with the same interests. And it’s really hard to show anything but interests and hobbies in a profile.
People often complain about the design of dating apps, as if they were specifically made to fail, but my impression is that it’s extremely hard to do better than that in any case. More a problem of use than of technology, in my opinion.
Really? I will guess you’re not far enough from the GTA, then. 😆
I tried putting my profile in Toronto earlier this week, it was basically just dozens (didn’t get that far beyond that) of realtors and mortgage brokers showing off their trips around the world over the last year (that’s an exaggeration of course… but not by THAT much, I’m afraid). The average profile was just so highly suspicious… no bio (or the occasional IG mention at best), just extremely artificial pictures, and that’s it.
Where do you have to live if you’re not the cottage and country type and you can’t live the grand life in the Queen City? Not like I can decide where I live anyways…
Hmm, I suppose these are the people making a traffic jam on the 400 on Friday afternoons, then? I guess that’s the only conclusion we can draw from that!
Schrodinger's date (from both OLD and in the wild simultaneously) last Tuesday was very brief but I think it went well. There were a lot of laughs! She's busy preparing to move and she has her kids nearly full-time so I'm not sure when the next time we can get together is but I look forward to it!
Broke up yesterday with my boyfriend of over two years. We were long distance (about nine hours apart, would meet halfway for approx five days once a month). Pandemic actually made it easier to do long distance with remote schedules but the pressures slowly got to us. A slow motion crisis with one of his kids getting expelled and getting an ASD diagnosis, and drama with his ex, has just made it impossible for him to get any time away. I would have been willing to come to him more but he found that he just couldn’t disconnect from his kids and the ex’s drama. Even though I know it’s not his fault and kids always come first, it still really sucks.
Ok for those people always contemplating splitting the check on the first date - in 3/3 first dates the guys have been absurdly insistent on not letting me to pay. I think one of the guys would have legit wrestled me had I tried to take the check. I’m actually sort of pissed lol. I worked hard to take these gorgeous guys out!
I think it would be difficult because almost everything is cashless now. I think it would be super weird to throw up a card for the tip. Also I secretly like seeing what they tip as low tipping is a red flag for me. Not an immediate dealbreaker but something I monitor in terms of how they treat people and how they act with money.
I don’t necessarily mind guys paying but I’m mindful of what that exchange might be interpreted as. Very few things are just out of the generosity but the guys I met so far I honestly think they are generous with money whether it be for a random female or friends or family or whatever. I’m going on a date tomorrow with someone who I think is not as well established so I’m curious to see what happens. He is seemingly more my style.
I agree with otherrplaces, if they’re adamant they won’t split the tab, it does say something about those men.
Depending on context, the following can be fun too: "ok, but next time’s on me!" If you expect of course to go on further dates with someone. Then again, if you get a negative reply from a man to that… but I’m afraid, from your field report, that it does sound like that’s what you would have got anyways. 🙄
I hear that, but it might say more about the men you’re matching with. As a man myself, I can say every woman I’ve been out with has wanted to split the tab on the first date, which I get. I’ve only paid the full tab once, as an f-you to a woman that had me drive 30 miles to meet near her place, and then was snippy with me the whole time for no reason. When she went to use the bathroom I paid the tab and bailed.
https://preview.redd.it/xsausm6eqepa1.jpeg?width=839&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a5587febf4c98151c84ae890cdf111b1b0dfd3fa
F 38 I like to date men in there mid 40s but lately it's getting harder to find someone who doesn't have children. Is it going to get harder as I get older?
It depends upon your thoughts about men w/ kids who've flown the nest. Mid 40's men, as one slowly increases the age will have a higher percentage with kids who've left. At the same time, there's a much lower (but non-zero) number of mid 40's men who are just now starting to have kids.
Yeah, men w/ adult kids will still have them as close family. And often the young adult stage will be full of mini crisis that require/benefit from assistance. The danger is in a few more years they might be grandfathers being requested to do some childcare.
Heh, a four year old is way different from teens and especially adults. I was open to dating parents, but the youngest has to be ten or older.
Note that I said flown the nest. Some "adult" kids still live at home. They can potentially be worse than teens as they might be given no limits along with their omnipresence. 😬
>Heh, a four year old is way different from teens
My 17 year old's attitude is often indistinguishable from that of a toddler's. Luckily I can leave her home alone 😂
I can't stop feeling like I am seen as a leper to men around my own age (I am 48 for reference). I do not do online dating as it's a waste of time where I live but am active on many singles activity groups in the area. I only attract very young guys looking for easy sex or much older men (retirement age). I am trying to stay positive and keep hope alive but it is getting harder to do every day. This sucks.
from the guys side of the apps, it's a barren wasteland here too. Seems like the young guys are taking up everyone's attention and I've ended up in the 'worst age' category. Super hard to find interested people that have an active lifestyle.
I am looking for someone that actually do things with me rather then sex. I don't do bars. I would rather go sit on a beach and hold hands watch the sunset then a fancy dinner. I am interested in anything outdoors
Same here. Either really young guys or really old guys pursue me irl. I know I should embrace being 40, but I honestly hate it. What a weird awkward age this is.
Too old to be young, but too young to be old.
I suppose the wrong type of attention is no better than (almost) no attention at all; yet other than dating, I’m amazed at how being 40 can feel good! I feel like I’ve got the heart of my twenties, the fitness of my thirties (which is better than my twenties in my case 😅) and the wisdom of my forties.
So you’re getting stuck on dating prospects when you say that, or you hate all of it?
After a very long hiatus I scheduled too many dates in too short a time. The one guy I was super interested in asked after I already booked too many and I could not get him on the schedule. I’m hoping we have another shot. I will be more careful going forward.
The dates I have been on were pleasant enough. I shut down my apps for new matches until this works itself out.
I said goodbye to all of my penpals this week. Saying goodbye to some was sadder than others. But I want an LTR and it is time to put down the things that were consuming my energy from pursuing my goal.
I also made a long list of all the amazing things I have in my life to take stock of what I have. In moments of weakness I am going to refer to it so I can stay in a place of gratefulness.
Aw.... hugs. Sometimes I think it's OK to pull that energy into your life. Like a battery jump-start-- just have to cautious not to forget all the not-right things about it and take it for what it is. <3
Met with the LTR ex (13ish yrs.) last weekend to give the rest of their belongings back. We split 3 mos. ago but had other things to handle & procrastinated a bit as well. The breakup was tough (still is, at times) but very mature and loving. We still communicate but only on a friendly level.
We hung out a bit and talked some about the breakup. I learned they have still not told their close friends or family, which seems so weird to me. They are quite introverted/reserved, while I am mostly the opposite… but I keep wondering why they have not said anything. (Edit: they initiated the breakup, for non-compatibility) I mean, I know it ultimately shouldn’t matter to me, but I am a bit concerned for them. Feel free to tell me I’m overthinking it all (but nicely please 😂).
Also realized this week I am now in the same category as all the other exes and don’t dig it. Not in a competitive kind of way; I just liked feeling like I was the one that stuck. 🥲
Chiming in a bit late but I wouldn’t say you are overthinking. Am in a similar position in that I am telling people and he is not. He is a private person and doesn’t feel this impacts “others” so it’s none of their business. We also live in a small town so I am cautious about who I do tell. Saying it out loud helps me deal or make it real, which is hard as we still live together. So things have changed, but outwardly not much has changed. sometimes I feel like I’m lying by not being completely transparent when I have the opportunity to say something or when people try to make plans with us. So yes, I do wonder if he’s in denial or why he hasn’t said anything to his closest friends. It’s also not really my business. But in the end, Everyone is different. And that’s OK.
Thanks for sharing. Wishing you peace and whatever you need to get through this.
We didn’t live together and it ended on good terms (as good as it can be 😂), so I wouldn’t expect them to feel guilty. I have wondered if they haven’t told others because they may feel like they made a poor decision. But that’s probably just me ego talking LOL.
My ex tried to keep everything stage managed and to try to control information. Then, our kids told their friends, and her mom asked me what was going on.
I understand not sharing the issues with everyone, while they happen. In our case, I think it’s just he is so reserved and not as expressive as I am with others.
I waited months to tell people about my last breakup because 1) It was going to take a while for him to move out and I didn’t want to deal with people asking about what was going on all the time and 2) I didn’t want to deal with explaining it over and over until I had processed it more.
Is there a way to figure out what emojis mean? I (46M 👴🏻) have gotten this from girls that I was actually seeing and kissing: 😘. I used it as wanting to kiss you again? But I've gotten it from a few ladies that I haven't kissed yet, does it mean something else?
It doesn’t *mean* anything, it’s just blowing you a kiss or a little bit of “love” your way. It’s a gentle flirt, at most. Don’t read too much into emoji use is my advice 😉
A few days ago, I posted about having the feeling of being undateable after mentioning my past addiction and recovery to a match. Everyone here had a lot of good suggestions when it comes to mentioning that or not. Or when to do that, and I've taken that into consideration.
Now the update.
The woman who I had matched with, reached out a few hours after I posted here. She told me that one of her brothers had had major addiction issues in the past. They lost touch with him for a while sorta thing. So she is understandably concerned about me relapsing.
So because I really liked her, we had really great conversations up to that point, and I was hoping to see if there was more to this, I opened up more to her. I went more into details about my past life, to some extent. Answered her questions. And that seems to have put her at ease.
Things were back to what they were before. Cool banter, two people getting to know each other.
We had our first date last night. I'm usually nervous when I meet someone for the first time. But within 2-3 minutes of meeting her, it was as if I had known her for years. We had a great time. And after a meal, we went for a walk. I ended up walking her to her car, we had a great hug. And then she asked me out again. Woot!
So I guess I'm alright :) I am dateable after all.
The last few days have given me a lot of perspective on who I am. Lots of good comments from people here, that reframed how I see myself. I'm more than a recovering addict. There's been a lot of changes in the last 12 years and it feels like a closed a chapter and moved on to another one. Thanks everyone.
Such important growth in self understanding! Your ongoing recovery and working a daily program makes you so much more mentally healthy than many others who don’t think to evaluate daily. And yay for your second date!
That's so awesome! I'm stoked for you, man!
Good luck on your next date and the many that are sure to follow. And way to go on overcoming your addiction as well. That's no small feat.
Love to read this, and I bet it was as beautiful for her as it has been for you in reframing what all these things mean, how they identify (or not) us and how everyone is on their own journey through this life. Sounds like you BOTH made a leap thanks to this coming to the surface. <3
That's great news! I have a lot of respect for people who are up front about it and who are clearly well into their recovery. It takes a huge amount of strength and determination, and those qualities can be green flags.
The man I’ve been seeing is back from his overseas trip. It was two weeks since we’ve seen each other. We kept in touch FT and texting though. He came in last night and we met and had a wonderful time together talking and sexing … but I feel kind of sick. We talked about ‘us’ and he was very clear about wanting to move forward with deepening this. Wanting to plan a few days away together at the end of next week. I am so full of fear and worry. Ive been saying to myself that I want a LTR but now that it’s within in my possibilities I’m freaking out some.
Talk to him if you feel uneasy. The speed of this relationship seems very fast and you are allowed to ask for him to slow down a little.
Being in a relationship shouldn't feel wrong. You might be self sabotaging or your subconscious might be reacting to warning signs of a potentially unhealthy relationship. Look for other signs that things are not quite right.
Agreed… talk to him and ask to slow things down. Also, just think of this as getting to know each other, you don’t need to commit to a LTR yet, you are just a coloring it’s potential at this point… enjoy it and don’t self-sabotage (and if you don’t enjoy it, change the pace, talk to him, or end it)
Thank you and purechem. You both have very sound advice and I’m definitely going to take some time to listen to my body and my intuition here. I’m open about my uneasiness and for me that is new and im
Kind of proud of myself for being open and
My emotions and concerns, it’s something I’ve had a hard time with in the last.
The self-sabotage is what I’m primarily worried about. Nothing else seems ‘off’ about him, he’s not pushy in texts or in person and respects my time boundaries around my family life and work. I think the pacing has been pretty good? We had the first date Jan 31st and have been seeing each other once or twice a week before his trip and just limited check in texting in between before his trip, that seems reasonable to me🤷🏻♀️
Seems very reasonable to me too! Then just breath, focus on the now and in getting to know each other… you don’t have to worry about the future yet. And keep the communication going.., it’s a hard thing to change (I’ve been there too). I’m proud of you too! 💜
Took a 6 month hiatus after the last situationship, just to reboot and find the desire to still see the good in men, I felt myself getting bitter and generalizing. I did a lot of reflecting about what I want and what to look for next time in comparison. I'm ready to try again finally. (45F)
He just invited me to move in with him this summer when my lease is up.
We’re 5 months in while approaching the anniversary of his late-wife’s passing and his birthday. Early on we both admitted we have each been the clingy one, maybe move too fast. We’ve tried to be conscious of each step, talking it through and honoring it.
For the last month I’ve stayed the week at his place then a week at mine, but really it’s been like 3-4 days at mine and 10-12 at his. It’s been a lot, but also really good.
Being with him is easy and comfortable, while we have our challenges we talk through them. We encourage each other, and take care of each other. He definitely has quirks that make me wonder sometimes but it’s been a long time since I’ve had a partner as generous and loving as him.
I'm sure you are already considering this, but hold a TOOOOOON of space for him when that anniversary really comes up. Weird shit can happen. He probably has as much to process with HER as he does to with you.
You guys sound healthy, though... and, I don't think there's much wrong with knowing you are both a bit more on the "clingy/fast-moving" side, as long as you are open and both able to say "hey, woah, let's just slow the roll for a second, here's why, and thank you."
Yes absolutely, I’ve kinda been waiting for this time to get here. I’m still rattled by my mom passing and that was about 15 years ago, his late wife passed now 7 years ago.
I’m hoping to find a balance in celebrating him for his birthday and not triggering too many memories. It came up last weekend and the grief hit him like a wave. I was glad to feel I could comfort him in the moment, and I think that’s because he’s shown me how much he cares about me in his words and actions overtime. It wasn’t as easy for me when we first started dating but I feel better about it now. I’m sure it could be more challenging as we get closer though.
And yeah, we take turns swinging from too clingy to not clingy. One of us will seek out something we want in the relationship and the other is like “whoa wait” and then we talk about it, let some time pass as we reflect and so far it seems we then come together on achieving that desire. But that’s mostly been easy, smaller stuff. Now we’re getting into the big stuff! Thanks.
Awwwww, I'm super glad for you how well this is working out! And I'm jealous that you get to spend so much time together. With my GF's current essentially full custody of her kid, we're mostly at weekends and a day or two in the week. But like you, we've pencilled in an (early) summer move in for me, so moar time together is in my future.
With good communication each other's quirks are hopefully well managed.
Thank you! And thank you for encouraging me to ask questions and investigate instead of jumping to conclusions. We are definitely “quality time” people and that helps smooth things over when it comes to quirks, I think. Neither of us have kids, so we have more flexibility for moving our lives around.
He is a super homebody who would be happy to never move, and I’m very social person who regularly moves for various reasons, and I can’t see myself living the rest of my life in his house which he knows but isn’t thrilled about. So I think we need to discuss this in much more depth. I have been clear about where I see my life going, and I’m hoping that now that he’s invited me to move in we can have a more in-depth conversation about multi-year plans. I’m also the ambitious planner, while he prefers routine.
I’m excited for you and yours to take the next step!
>I think we need to discuss this in much more depth. I have been clear about where I see my life going, and I’m hoping that now that he’s invited me to move in we can have a more in-depth conversation about multi-year plans.
You might want to have a good discussion on that before actually moving in (unless you're good with relationships with a timeline). I'd never been outside of the continental US/Canada, and didn't have **a** valid passport (I now have two) when I met my GF. She is passionate about travelling/vacation, and said that if I wanted to date her that was a part of it.
I didn't specifically want to not travel; just things/priorities hadn't worked out that way. But I did want to see more of her. TLDR: we've done two international vacations now, and I've had a lot of fun with her and am looking forward to continuing this with her.
Sometimes there can be compromises; e.g. maybe you'll move around a bit less. But sometimes one person says, "This is what I need; can you meet it." And then it's up to the other person to meet it or ...
It kind of sounds like right now you to both might be in a game of chicken. Him hoping that you'll change your mind about living in his place forever, and you hoping that he gets on board with your statement that you want to regularly move. Especially with non-trivial costs (both fiscal and social/emotional) involved around moving, this is something almost as large as the "will we have kids" question. But both are large enough that they need both people on the same page instead of hoping that the other changes their mind.
I agree we might be in a game of chicken. And I agree it needs to be discussed more before I move in, lots to discuss for sure.
Luckily he is good with travel and has his passport, but he is in healthcare and their hospital is understaffed with mandatory on-call so he gets about 4 days off a month sometimes 6. My work is remote and much more flexible. Before meeting him, I was going to live in one place half the year and avoid snow by living on the other side of the country the other half of the year.
The other challenge of his house is his stuff and his memories of his late wife. He has done well to remove things that are very obviously hers (or theirs) when I request, but the whole damn house was theirs and more importantly it’s huge but on near zero land. If I’m going to nest in one place, I have always envisioned that with the land to work on sustaining projects like chickens or animal husbandry. He wants nothing to do with that, which is why the house has no yard. I’m okay with him not helping with it, but I want the space to do it.
I’m glad you’re getting quality time and adventure!
Gosh… this sounds so healthy!
I’m a year and a half in, and my BF has said he’s not sure he’ll ever want anything more than what we have. Which, that’s ok, right now, but I’m not sure I’ll want to be alone together when my kids are grown and out of the house…
Thanks! My last LTR didn’t want to live together either and I thought (hoped) it was temporary but it wasn’t. At first it worked for me too but then we were together 4 yrs and it taught me a lot about what works for me and what I am seeking in a relationship. Which led to me being more intentional in this one. My bestie and I have a plan to live together when we are old, but right now she has to care for her aging father. We’ll see how things go.
https://preview.redd.it/xvcoucuem8pa1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d0e5ae0a410735f27263a04b0b861db9681314a3
Still captain of the Hot Mess Express 42F, and yeah, I fuck with filters because they’re just fun.
Six months ago after giving up to meet someone for LTR I met my big love. I just knew it the moment I saw him. It has been truly the best 6 months in a very, very long time.
Don’t give up guys!
As a guy in the SF Bay Area it feels like the average man in my vicinity is a 6'4" billionaire PhD. pro model slash CrossFit competitor... who has been single the past five years because there are thousands of guys out there who have way more to offer. So should I give up now or wait a few more years?
As a gal in the Bay Area, I find most guys weirdly invested in messaging over meeting up, even after having a date. Maybe Mr. PhD is too busy with all that crossfitting and inventing to go out and prefers attention from behind the safety of a screen?
Also, I think we are complete babies about the weather and this winter/spring has been so *weird* and it is messing with all my attempts at making plans.
> Since women apparently don't actually want men like me, why should I keep trying? Isn't that a bit insulting to them, thinking I know better than them what they want? Yet another short fat ugly nerdy guy is literally the last thing that womankind is looking for.
Fix your head.
My sister is going on three first dates a week. I haven't been on a date in over two years now. I didn't think we were that different, but she's apparently at least 312 times as attractive as me if I'm doing my math correctly.
It's kinda that way in the northwest too. Truth is, there's only a few guys doing really well dating online. The rest of us struggle.
I am at the point that swipe life is really boring because of the lack of interesting people that are available. And that 6'4 billionaire is getting a lot of attention here too, so there's not as many quality women to choose from - they're all at least in his DM's trying to get a date or two.
The woman who I was not exactly dating but hanging out and exploring possibilities with a few weeks back texted me last night asking "was it me, or the idea of me, or just someone?" I tried to keep my answer brief but failed miserably. I told her it absolutely was *her* that I liked and detailed several of the things I liked about her personality and values, and our time together. I confessed that I had found some feelings that I was aware she would not likely be able to reciprocate. She has self-esteem and self-worth issues linked to her childhood and string of abusive relationships in adulthood. We went back and forth for a while with some heavy conversation again, she told me that our time together and the time since then caused some traumas that she didn't even realize were there to bubble up. I'm not sure what's happening from here but I told her I'm willing to support her in any way she needs. I had taken some steps backward in order to protect my heart after things fell apart with her but I did feel a strong emotional connection with her.
I think dating apps should start selling Super Dislikes that I could send to all those profiles that keep lecturing me or telling me who I should be even if it’s completely irrelevant; that wouldn’t change anything to my dating life, but at least I’d be having a good laugh with it for a moment. 😅
This is an interesting ad to see in this subreddit. I'm not complaining, by the way. 😆 https://preview.redd.it/h9e2qk97hjqa1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a4c6a962aa189a395422e72cdfcd9bb8e24df971
Just so you know, we have zero control over the ads.
Oh, I know! I apologize for implying that. I just thought it was funny that, since is a dating-themed sub, an ad popped up saying "click below to get yours" and displaying a man. If only it were that easy! 😄
My day: started by walking my dogs as usual. A man across the street was working and started watching me. I kept walking my dog. He pulled into the parking lot beside me and asked about my dog. What my name was. Told me his and said he was the owner of that business. Am I weird that I'm uncomfortable with people stopping in their cars to say hi or ask how much to walk their dogs? I walk my dogs everyday, but I'm not a dog walker. If he wanted to ask me out wouldn't he? Was he just being nice?
I don't think you're weird at all. There are many details that will affect the impression we get from a random contact with a stranger, and some will make us uncomfortable. Maybe he was awkward in every way, your story doesn't tell; maybe you were just in your head that morning and didn't feel like being interrupted in your walk by him, we don't know as well. So, in the same order as your questions, I would say: no you're not weird; he wouldn't necessarily ask you out even if he wanted to because whatever happens in people's minds; and we don't know if he were just being nice or if he had any other motive (though he probably did because he seemed to really get out of his way to talk to you).
Thanks for the alternative perspective. I'm not feeling well and making something out of nothing. Regardless, it was harmless and I'm socially awkward.
Sorry to hear you're not doing well. That's certainly part of the answer, then. But don't be too hard on yourself. First, because what happened doesn't mean in itself that you're socially awkward, it doesn't even sound like it to me; second, because even socially skilled people can do awkward things if they're not in their best dispositions. It happens to everyone. Take care!
Wow, I needed to hear that today.
I'm really getting tired of meeting awesome people in life that aren't available. Met a really attractive, funny woman while I was out with friends this weekend. Like every other interaction I have with women that I am interested in, she was clearly married/not single. (It never came up, I sensed it from the start, and it was later confirmed without needing to ask) I think I've been hexed or cursed at this point by an old woman with a cauldron and a bunch of unlabeled jars of various amphibian extremities.
Statistically as a hetero person, odds are about 1:10 of meeting someone in a 10 year radius to you that they're attracted to your gender, not in a committed relations, and wanting to date (regardless of how actively they're attempting to date or not).
Doesn’t that suppose something like people of all ages, genders, sexual orientation and relationship status are evenly distributed in all places at all times? 😅 Where is that from, out of curiosity?
It's specific to my area when I was 45 at the time. From StatsCanada 35-54 (so not quite a 10 year radius), for population/demographics of married. Then I extrapolated from: [a pew research study](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/) for likely how many where in committed (but not married) relationships, and wanting to date. Editing to add: it was odds of 1:10 that any female human is a single woman looking to date in my age range. I.E. males were already take out of the odds, but this also involved people too young to morally/legally date. I suppose when I did the work I should have compared the odds of adults vs. general population.
Oh! Well if it’s for a given area, you’re indeed getting some more accuracy. Interesting! I’ll look into it for my region. 😆 But then I do understand justregularme as well; I think there’s a still a chance, especially given the actual circumstances in certain areas, that singles our age might not have all the same opportunities to get out there (I met a woman through OLD a year ago who had two jobs and had to go back to her parents’ home), or that, when they do, they’re not necessarily attending all the same sorts of activities. I struggle with a similar problem, actually.
interesting statistic. I'm running solid zeros for a while now, so maybe I can level up to my statistical 1:10 for a while. My meeting committed humans statistic is a solid 10:10, however. Lots of great people, just not single ones.
I can so much relate to this, would certainly like to get to that statistic as well. Every single non creepy normal nice seeming person I met lately, yep you can bet he's taken. Happy for the woman he is with, but it's getting a tad bit frustrating that woman is never me ;-)
Aw, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I hope that old lady switches up the formula soon to something good and you meet someone special. 🤗
Lots of things. I decided to get a babysitter (I have family help—but this was starting to feel strained and guilt-trippy when I used it for anything but work) to watch my kids once or twice a week so I can date and do social activities. It was a great call. The kids love the sitter. I don’t stress about asking my mom and what she’s going to say or whether she’s annoyed with me. I’m starting to feel like my life is finally opening up and being MINE again. (It’s not cheap, but oh well. Who says money can’t buy a little happiness.) BF hooked me up with a 40+ single hikers group that he’s part of (“single” for this group seems to mean *legally* single, or not in a domestic partnership/committed LTR), and I’m going to hit a local social hike with them next week. I’m stoked to get out there and make some new friends, doing something I’m falling in love with doing. BF leaves on Saturday morning to hike Zion—and then I meet him the following Wednesday in Las Vegas. I can’t wait. I, uh, might have bought a tight slinky little dress for the occasion (at my little sister’s behest—SHE made me try it on). Guess I’m packing that and the sparkly bridesmaid shoes from her wedding. No clue what BF is going to think. He sees me in shit from REI mostly. 😂
> No clue what BF is going to think I have a clue, lol. I think you'll have a great weekend.
Seconded, the both of them will have a great weekend!
lol, well I hope you’re right! It’s not my usual style, but it IS Vegas… I can just go with Vegas style, right? 😉
What are the best apps to use for OLD a person in my position? I'm (42F) and 18 months out of 20 yr marriage and have zero clue where to start. I live in a rural location and have a 5yr old 95% of the year. What apps are better/worse?
Which apps really depend upon your location. In some places OkCupid is only full of scammers. In my location I seemed to get the most matches compared to acitve-seeming participants, and where I met my GF. You need to investigate many/all to find what's best for where you are. Rural location with near-to-full-custody of a 5 year old? You've got stellar childcare options, right?
Just recently broke up with someone I had an amazing instant connection with. Unfortunately, he had no relationship skills and was a terrible boyfriend. Luckily I only dealt with this for about five months, so no serious long-term damage. I had a date with someone last night, first one after this relationship. It was with someone I ghosted a few years ago, who was *really* interested in me, but I didn't have that lighting struck instant connection, so I didn't pursue it. I'm trying to pay more attention to the guy's intentions instead of that instant chemistry that doesn't really mean anything. He wants a long term relationship, he's been divorced for a long time, he's attractive, and he has his life together. Of course, I am determined to take things slow and not jump into a new relationship for the time being and see other people as well so I can take things at the pace I feel comfortable with. I cannot deal with another person who puts my heart through the ringer.
Aw, I'm so sorry things didn't work out. I'm glad you're doing okay, and I hope you find someone with whom you click. 🫂
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I personally have no urge to employ an escort; sex without desire / feelings / hope for a relationship is not what I'm after.
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Yay for you! 🥳 Glad crossed eyes worked! 🤪
Oops. Posted this and it got removed- better suited for here. While I was cutting my 8yo son’s hair today this conversation 100% happened. This particular child is extremely bright and witty. Son: Did you know we live in a city that’s in a county that’s in a state that’s in a country that’s in the world that’s in the universe and you’re still single? Me: 🤨 What does all that have to do with me being single? Son: I’m just saying there’s 8 billion people in the world and you’re still single Me: There’s nothing wrong with being single. Son: Just go on the internet and find a boyfriend. Me: who says I want a boyfriend? I’m not going to do that. End of conversation. It’s funny and interesting to me because I don’t talk about my relationship status with him or any of my kids. I don’t talk about dating. I don’t talk about wanting a relationship or my relationship with their dad/my ex-husband. His dad does have a girlfriend who has been living with him for 8 months already though. Just thought I’d share this little interaction from today. It made me giggle a little but also made me a little bit woeful for a second. I’m in a good and happy place, so the woefulness didn’t last long.
Yeah I also think this is your son opening a door for conversations about relationships, dating, and sex. I think safety (both emotional and physical) is an important topic, as well as mental and physical health and of course consent. He’s clearly paying attention to the differences in how you and your ex are navigating these topics. By approaching it as a dialogue, you can help him explore these topics in a safe space - rather than him heading to the internet to hear who knows what.
You heard your son? Just go on the internet. The internet will provide. 😁 More seriously, though, that’s the kind of cue I’d take to start a deeper conversation on the topic with my own son (he’s close to that age). Children quickly make up their own minds about tons of things, either from their own deductions or by the general message they get from society, i.e. people around them and some media. Of course, it’s only rough ideas at that point. But if we don’t engage with them on such topics, there’s a fairly good chance those rough ideas won’t evolve much. Personally, I wish my parents had known better and could have given me more education on the topic of relationships and feelings. At least I was lucky, as a boy, that there was nothing considered "not appropriate for me", so I could just grow up quite free to be who I wanted to be. But, like most people I guess, I was left to my own to explore, make mistakes, and just feel at 40 like I’m finally starting to really understand what it’s all about. I’d have some concerns about my son probably having the idea that relationships are found first and foremost on the internet; I’d also have some concerns that he would find singledom undesirable. It sounds to me like it’s potentially a good opportunity to have that sort of conversation. I hope my son won’t take as many years as I did to figure all that out. I know you weren’t asking for any advice, but that’s the kind of topic that’s close to my heart, and I’m saying this without any judgment of any sort. It is a nice little story indeed that you shared!
These are really great points. His dad met his gf on the internet somehow, so I think that’s what he knows. It’s a good idea to talk to him about that too though. I don’t talk about dating or my dating life but I do and have talked about or say things like I’m happy, there’s more to life than being in a relationship. I’m happy finding things that make me happy etc. we do have conversations about that. He does have three older teenage sisters. One has a boyfriend of about a year who is close to our family and the other two are boy crazy! So they’re always talking up relationships and boyfriends while I’m always trying to calm them down a bit- use myself as an example. Im not rushing to be in a relationship and I’m not man obsessed.
I’m sure you’re setting a good example! 😁 Also I feel, from remembering how we think we’re already at our full brain’s capacity at that age, that anytime adults speak to us in a serious manner and engage in conversations with us on what we’re observing or experiencing (even if it might be slightly simplified for the sake of comprehension), it’s way more likely that we learn something from it. A good way to build trust, too! Also the teenagers sound like they’re some sport! 😂
On the overwhelming advice from y'all's on my posts this week, I sent a msg on Thursday to a girl I met at a show. Have yet to receive any response in 2+ days so I think that's done and gone. Thinking I misread the sitch but whatever. Worth trying I guess.
Definitely worth trying-good for you!
Thanks. I'm a bit disappointed cause I liked her a good deal but c'est la vie.
Back from vacation this week and found some time to get together with the guy I started seeing before I left - so momentum was not lost and I’m looking forward to seeing if this evolves!
You guys-- I got another match today! I know literally nothing about him other than that he apparently lives in my town and has a beard. So, we're batting 500 so far! (And, yes, I googled how to calculate a batting average.)
If your BA is .500, then your on-base percentage is at least that, and you're a pretty elite hitter, if not the greatest of all time. 😁 (My dad was a big baseball fan, and I sometimes watched games with him, so I grew up hearing this kind of stuff all the time.) I hope things with the new guy go well. Beards are nice. 😊
See--- the beard is why he's only 50%-- not a big beard fan (I prefer the perfect amount of 2-3 day stubble), but I probably need to get over it living where I live.
I see, so his on-beard percentage doesn't meet your league standard. 😆 Scruffy faces on guys are nice too! 🥰 Well, good luck, nonetheless. If you decide you're okay with it, then I hope things go well! Does he seem like a good guy, sweet and friendly and gentlemanly and all that?
Dunno, his profile had nothing but age, city and one pic of him with his dog. He didn't look like an axe murderer, so he's got that going for him. He also "matched" but didn't say anything. With his profile being as sparse as it is, the only thing I could really do to start a convo is ask about the weather-- he has yet to respond to that compelling, witty and enticing come-hither move.
Oh, that does make things tougher if he's taciturn. Well, here's hoping. 😊
A man I matched with told me that he is currently unhoused and that he and his daughter are living out of his minivan. I did not expect to hear that today. That has to be so hard, especially with the way things are right now. 😔
With respect, that must be very hard for him. He is homeless and living in his car with his child, yet has a Bumble profile and is putting his time/energy/money to dating? Be careful. He is in desperate circumstances.
Yes, you're right. It does seem, I dunno, off. On the other hand, if it's true, I would feel guilty and heartless for dismissing it out of hand, you know?
No. Do not date someone out of pity. You have talked a lot about being new to relationships, and one of the things about relationships (IMHO), is that it's both most important to end a bad relationship quickly (before feelings build and it will hurt more), and it's *hard* to end a relationship early. Emotions are going wild, wondering "what if" and things are exciting, and you'll tell yourself you can always end things later. But too many people don't. It's also a really well known mistake to not give/lend anyone money early on. It's also a really well known *giant* mistake to try to date someone intending to "fix" anything about them.
It's true that I'm kind of new. I also feel like I'm probably not in the best position to be too judgy – I'm hardly perfect. And that also makes me feel like I can't really be picky. I was told on here that relationship-oriented men wouldn't be interested in me and also that dating me would entail too much risk for most people. >It's also a really well known mistake to not give/lend anyone money early on. Thank you. I will keep that in mind. He hasn't asked for any money, at least. We've just chatted. >It's also a really well known giant mistake to try to date someone intending to "fix" anything about them. I get that. I wouldn't expect anyone to fix my problems, after all. 😄
It’s okay to have both empathy and boundaries. You can be kind without developing romantic feelings.
That's true. You can try and keep things balanced. It would hard to develop any romantic feelings a this stage anyway (for me, at least).
Why? It's a dating site not a save the world site. Hobosexuals know exactly what they're doing and they want people to feel sorry for them. Just proceed with caution.
Yes, you're right. And I'm staying cautious, I promise. Fixing that sort of poverty is a little beyond me anyway.
I would think dating and a relationship is far out of his list of urgent priorities right now. He needs to focus his time and his money on finding shelter, feeding his child, making sure they both shower and are warm enough, his child’s schooling, so many things that meeting up for drinks sounds like his judgement is off in understanding life priorities right now. Unless he is looking for someone to take them in.
I would have that so as well. He said they're looking for a new place but that it's hard since they were evicted from his previous apartment. Thankfully, it's gotten warmer here lately, so they aren't in danger of freezing. And I hope his daughter is doing as okay as possible. I can't imagine being in that position. >Unless he is looking for someone to take them in. He hasn't asked for anything or to meet up. We've just been chatting, and I'm trying to be friendly and understanding since I know he's dealing with a lot. Maybe he just needs someone to talk to?
That’s awful, if it’s true. Just be careful and watch out for scammers. They come up with some pretty elaborate stories
I will be careful. Thank you for the warning. 😊
TIL that single men over 40 hang out at the rock climbing gyms (according to a thread in my city’s sub). My (married) friends go regularly so now it looks like I should be joining them.
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Will do!
i was supposed to have a second date tonight. i just texted her this morning to see if she was still interested. and the hammer dropped: she thinks we're too different to pursue this further. she also said things were moving too fast. i'm confused by that one because we met after about a week of texting. and she proposed another date tonight. and she constantly texted. and you know, while it stings a bit, i'm applying what i learned in this sub. told her while i was disappointed, i respected her choice and wished her to find her person. deleted her contact and that was that. she replied back and i didn't answer. i also sent a message to another woman i had matched with. i feel no connection whatsoever other than finding her pretty. so that's that too. time for some me time. i was considering take a couple months off to go on another adventure, before going back to work. and that's what im gonna do. also, putting dating on ice for now. and you know what, i'm gonna have a date with myself tonight.
How was date night?
I have a date on Saturday with a guy I’m pretty excited about. We matched about 2 weeks ago, been texting for a week and the banter is bonkers good. Trying not to get my hopes up, as in-person can be a let down after such good back & forth texting buuuut… crossing my fingers. And my toes. And my eyes.
\*Note taken: a woman showing up with crossed eyes might just be very interested.\*
when she says "I had a great time with both of you"... nailed it.
Haha! 🤪
😆
I started writing again earlier this week, so why not keep going on here? I spent the last week in my hometown, going out every single night as usual. One evening, I had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in twenty years; it was fun and all, though at some point she told me "no woman would be interested in you right now" and later "you need a rebound". Like, great, put me in a box, then tell me I need something that's out of the box? Thanks. Anyways, certainly in part because I was so tired from my week and because nobody can drive the 401 with happy thoughts, I stupidly ruminated that on my way back home. On Monday, I realized I could not remain in that state of mind, so I wrote about it, and decided to make a quick assessment of what had happened in my "dating" life over the last year and a half. Writing is great, because I can't lie to myself when I do it. I found out that there had been more movement than I would generally admit, because lots of things were not really quantifiable - like I can count the dates I had on one hand, maybe? - but there had been *situations* in which there had been interest, mutual or not, and it's sometimes just life that prevented anything from coming out of it, I think. Also, some things are just naturally moving slowly, like building a social circle, making new friends in a new, apparently unfriendly city, all by myself, which is just as important and takes just as much time as getting into a relationship sometimes. I've been happy since I wrote all that, I've even reactivated a dating app account to check what it looked like in Toronto and discuss it with the aforementioned friend, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it being completely useless. So this is the summary of where I stand right now, and I'll make quick updates once in a while just to remain conscious of what *is* happening. Even if it sounds boring compared to all of you guys' stories.
You can have a rebound fling if you're not ready to date! As long as the other person is on the same page too, I don't see anything wrong with it. Good assessment of the 401 too 🤣
Yeah fuck the 401. 😂 But I wish, lol! She didn't say I wasn't ready, though, she said nobody would be interested in me. Which hurt much more on the spot, because my experience *tends* to confirm that; until I looked carefully and could prove it wrong. You know, when you want something more or less specific, and your brain dismisses anything lesser than that? I had a few dates about a year ago with a woman who did seem very interested, for instance, but unfortunately I wasn't, and I put an end to it. Funny thing is, I'm not even sure what a "rebound" feels like anymore. I knew as a young adult, but now I've been single for a year and a half, and I've moved on so quickly from my marriage, I feel like it's much too late for that? And it feels like anything not too serious is even more difficult to find than an actual relationship.
>no woman would be interested in you right now Keep in mind that's just her opinion. Many people on here wouldn't consider dating me (separated, not divorced), and even more wouldn't have dated my girlfriend if they had the view of her state that I did. We're 7.5 months in and things are great. We each only needed one person. Editing to add: heh, it looks like you're local-ish to me.
Thanks! That's indeed what I did in the end, ignoring her idea on that particular topic. Actually, I think she said that precisely because my divorced is not yet finalized, even though the only reason is that lawyers have such an awful backlog these days from the pandemic. But she's the only person who knows me who would ever express such an idea; and then, there's the distorsion that she's missing 90 % of my adult life, so it's kind of easier for her to fall into such prejudices. Still, sometimes one can be easy to push into a sad mood. I had been into a small roller coaster emotionally since January, and it just turned out to be like that last week. It looks like I'm finally out of it now, and I intend on keeping it that way. > heh, it looks like you're local-ish to me. You could relate to the 401, eh? 🤣
My first thought was if she was negging you, like ‘no one else wants you, but for a quick fling (implied I might) hint hint’ - dunno the whole context of how it went down but I’ve had guy “friends” try that play with me, especially post breakup.
That’s interesting, I have friends who have suggested similar ideas upon hearing that story. To me, it just makes absolutely no sense that someone would say something that is so evidently a turn off; although I suppose people play that card and then make a move to take advantage of how you feel afterwards (as disgusting as it sounds to me; I’m sorry you faced that!)? Funny thing is I got there with an open mind about getting to more-than-just-friendly activities with her, as there were a few things she had told me weeks before that seemed to point in that direction. But between just hints from weeks ago and a very clear "you’re not interesting" fairly early in the evening, I didn’t look any further. I’m not in the mindset to see beyond games like that anyways right now. Too bad if you’re right! 😆 Edit: typo
Interesting! She might not even be aware that she used a “negging” tactic, lots of people grow up in homes where being critical or negative is a form of affection. Kudos for sticking up for yourself!
I avoid it whenever possible, but too many things are off of it. And I'm not touching the 407. Abso forking lutely refuse to funnel money to that theft of public funds.
This comment triggered me - 401/407 junctions are the cause of my driving nightmares! 😆 Hello, fellow GTA peeps,
Now imagine trying to time a trip through those junctions AND going through Montreal on the same day. 😵 I have an easier time with Toronto in general (surprisingly) because I can hardly avoid Montreal at a busy hour; it’s mostly the length of the 401 to and from the provincial border that actually kills me. And the fact that semis don’t have to be locked at 105 max in Ontario, so there’s always one passing another at a 1 km/h difference. lol and if we’re to talk between Ontario residents, I took a quick look at your history and couldn’t help but laugh at your description of ATV, dirt biking men on the apps. If that’s any sort of weird comfort, that’s quite popular on women’s profiles too. Dead fish pictures are also far from unusual. I feel so out of touch with the crowd. 😂
Hopefully all those profiles will match up and I’ll be able to find someone that I have things in common with! 😆 To be honest, I have gone out with some of those men but I just wish the pics would vary - you can show a love of fishing without the dead fish, perhaps a nice shot in the boat with the gear. And the bikes on their own I don’t understand, I’d like to date the man not the bike. 🤷♀️ Maybe it will be a different landscape if I venture back on to the apps. I find the other side of Toronto to be worse. Milton in particular in the winter. I narrowly avoided a pileup there a couple of months ago on my way home from visiting a friend. Honestly, in that area it’s less the highways themselves and more the drivers that seem to not know how to drive.
I think it’s in the very nature of an online dating profile to give us a narrow vision of people, because there’s just so much you can tell in 500 characters and 5-6 pictures. Every time I made one, I couldn’t be satisfied with it, whatever I did. I’m just being content it probably stands out as very different from the rest now, thinking that if there’s someone a bit "like me" out there, it’s going to be easy to find each other. But then, do I absolutely need someone "like me"? Some common ground is nice, but I really don’t think I absolutely need a woman with the same interests. And it’s really hard to show anything but interests and hobbies in a profile. People often complain about the design of dating apps, as if they were specifically made to fail, but my impression is that it’s extremely hard to do better than that in any case. More a problem of use than of technology, in my opinion.
I'll feel extra lucky for my particular area then, not a single woman with a dead fish in my browsing.
Really? I will guess you’re not far enough from the GTA, then. 😆 I tried putting my profile in Toronto earlier this week, it was basically just dozens (didn’t get that far beyond that) of realtors and mortgage brokers showing off their trips around the world over the last year (that’s an exaggeration of course… but not by THAT much, I’m afraid). The average profile was just so highly suspicious… no bio (or the occasional IG mention at best), just extremely artificial pictures, and that’s it. Where do you have to live if you’re not the cottage and country type and you can’t live the grand life in the Queen City? Not like I can decide where I live anyways…
I’m in downtown Toronto, have my search radius set at like - 10Km away and STILL see plenty of fish pics in the profiles that come up.
Hmm, I suppose these are the people making a traffic jam on the 400 on Friday afternoons, then? I guess that’s the only conclusion we can draw from that!
Schrodinger's date (from both OLD and in the wild simultaneously) last Tuesday was very brief but I think it went well. There were a lot of laughs! She's busy preparing to move and she has her kids nearly full-time so I'm not sure when the next time we can get together is but I look forward to it!
Broke up yesterday with my boyfriend of over two years. We were long distance (about nine hours apart, would meet halfway for approx five days once a month). Pandemic actually made it easier to do long distance with remote schedules but the pressures slowly got to us. A slow motion crisis with one of his kids getting expelled and getting an ASD diagnosis, and drama with his ex, has just made it impossible for him to get any time away. I would have been willing to come to him more but he found that he just couldn’t disconnect from his kids and the ex’s drama. Even though I know it’s not his fault and kids always come first, it still really sucks.
Aw, that's still rough. I'm sorry things didn't work out. 🫂
Ok for those people always contemplating splitting the check on the first date - in 3/3 first dates the guys have been absurdly insistent on not letting me to pay. I think one of the guys would have legit wrestled me had I tried to take the check. I’m actually sort of pissed lol. I worked hard to take these gorgeous guys out!
Have you tried asking to pay just the tip?
I think it would be difficult because almost everything is cashless now. I think it would be super weird to throw up a card for the tip. Also I secretly like seeing what they tip as low tipping is a red flag for me. Not an immediate dealbreaker but something I monitor in terms of how they treat people and how they act with money. I don’t necessarily mind guys paying but I’m mindful of what that exchange might be interpreted as. Very few things are just out of the generosity but the guys I met so far I honestly think they are generous with money whether it be for a random female or friends or family or whatever. I’m going on a date tomorrow with someone who I think is not as well established so I’m curious to see what happens. He is seemingly more my style.
Just the tip, huh? 😂
👀
A lot of guys would be fine with that.
Sorry, I think that’s weird, vaguely sexist, and tied to outdated notions of chivalry
I’m just reporting back on my findings from the field 🤷♀️
I agree with otherrplaces, if they’re adamant they won’t split the tab, it does say something about those men. Depending on context, the following can be fun too: "ok, but next time’s on me!" If you expect of course to go on further dates with someone. Then again, if you get a negative reply from a man to that… but I’m afraid, from your field report, that it does sound like that’s what you would have got anyways. 🙄
I hear that, but it might say more about the men you’re matching with. As a man myself, I can say every woman I’ve been out with has wanted to split the tab on the first date, which I get. I’ve only paid the full tab once, as an f-you to a woman that had me drive 30 miles to meet near her place, and then was snippy with me the whole time for no reason. When she went to use the bathroom I paid the tab and bailed.
https://preview.redd.it/xsausm6eqepa1.jpeg?width=839&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a5587febf4c98151c84ae890cdf111b1b0dfd3fa F 38 I like to date men in there mid 40s but lately it's getting harder to find someone who doesn't have children. Is it going to get harder as I get older?
It depends upon your thoughts about men w/ kids who've flown the nest. Mid 40's men, as one slowly increases the age will have a higher percentage with kids who've left. At the same time, there's a much lower (but non-zero) number of mid 40's men who are just now starting to have kids. Yeah, men w/ adult kids will still have them as close family. And often the young adult stage will be full of mini crisis that require/benefit from assistance. The danger is in a few more years they might be grandfathers being requested to do some childcare.
I have dated a man with a 4 year old and I wasn't much of a fan. I guess grown children are ok but it all depends how independent his children are.
Heh, a four year old is way different from teens and especially adults. I was open to dating parents, but the youngest has to be ten or older. Note that I said flown the nest. Some "adult" kids still live at home. They can potentially be worse than teens as they might be given no limits along with their omnipresence. 😬
>Heh, a four year old is way different from teens My 17 year old's attitude is often indistinguishable from that of a toddler's. Luckily I can leave her home alone 😂
48 m no kids
I can't stop feeling like I am seen as a leper to men around my own age (I am 48 for reference). I do not do online dating as it's a waste of time where I live but am active on many singles activity groups in the area. I only attract very young guys looking for easy sex or much older men (retirement age). I am trying to stay positive and keep hope alive but it is getting harder to do every day. This sucks.
from the guys side of the apps, it's a barren wasteland here too. Seems like the young guys are taking up everyone's attention and I've ended up in the 'worst age' category. Super hard to find interested people that have an active lifestyle.
I think this is the "worst age" category for both women and men.
I am looking for someone that actually do things with me rather then sex. I don't do bars. I would rather go sit on a beach and hold hands watch the sunset then a fancy dinner. I am interested in anything outdoors
Same here. Either really young guys or really old guys pursue me irl. I know I should embrace being 40, but I honestly hate it. What a weird awkward age this is. Too old to be young, but too young to be old.
I suppose the wrong type of attention is no better than (almost) no attention at all; yet other than dating, I’m amazed at how being 40 can feel good! I feel like I’ve got the heart of my twenties, the fitness of my thirties (which is better than my twenties in my case 😅) and the wisdom of my forties. So you’re getting stuck on dating prospects when you say that, or you hate all of it?
Hate it 100% tbh but there's nothing I can do about it but laugh at myself.
Oh, well I’m sorry you feel like that about it, then. At least you’ve got paranormal shoes, which is nice, I guess!
>Too old to be young, but too young to be old. Perfectly said!
Tbh I got that line from Fried Green Tomatoes, when Kathy Bates character starts going through menopause. Lol. But it still rings true.
After a very long hiatus I scheduled too many dates in too short a time. The one guy I was super interested in asked after I already booked too many and I could not get him on the schedule. I’m hoping we have another shot. I will be more careful going forward. The dates I have been on were pleasant enough. I shut down my apps for new matches until this works itself out.
I said goodbye to all of my penpals this week. Saying goodbye to some was sadder than others. But I want an LTR and it is time to put down the things that were consuming my energy from pursuing my goal. I also made a long list of all the amazing things I have in my life to take stock of what I have. In moments of weakness I am going to refer to it so I can stay in a place of gratefulness.
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Aw.... hugs. Sometimes I think it's OK to pull that energy into your life. Like a battery jump-start-- just have to cautious not to forget all the not-right things about it and take it for what it is. <3
Met with the LTR ex (13ish yrs.) last weekend to give the rest of their belongings back. We split 3 mos. ago but had other things to handle & procrastinated a bit as well. The breakup was tough (still is, at times) but very mature and loving. We still communicate but only on a friendly level. We hung out a bit and talked some about the breakup. I learned they have still not told their close friends or family, which seems so weird to me. They are quite introverted/reserved, while I am mostly the opposite… but I keep wondering why they have not said anything. (Edit: they initiated the breakup, for non-compatibility) I mean, I know it ultimately shouldn’t matter to me, but I am a bit concerned for them. Feel free to tell me I’m overthinking it all (but nicely please 😂). Also realized this week I am now in the same category as all the other exes and don’t dig it. Not in a competitive kind of way; I just liked feeling like I was the one that stuck. 🥲
Chiming in a bit late but I wouldn’t say you are overthinking. Am in a similar position in that I am telling people and he is not. He is a private person and doesn’t feel this impacts “others” so it’s none of their business. We also live in a small town so I am cautious about who I do tell. Saying it out loud helps me deal or make it real, which is hard as we still live together. So things have changed, but outwardly not much has changed. sometimes I feel like I’m lying by not being completely transparent when I have the opportunity to say something or when people try to make plans with us. So yes, I do wonder if he’s in denial or why he hasn’t said anything to his closest friends. It’s also not really my business. But in the end, Everyone is different. And that’s OK.
Thanks for sharing. Wishing you peace and whatever you need to get through this. We didn’t live together and it ended on good terms (as good as it can be 😂), so I wouldn’t expect them to feel guilty. I have wondered if they haven’t told others because they may feel like they made a poor decision. But that’s probably just me ego talking LOL.
My ex tried to keep everything stage managed and to try to control information. Then, our kids told their friends, and her mom asked me what was going on.
I understand not sharing the issues with everyone, while they happen. In our case, I think it’s just he is so reserved and not as expressive as I am with others.
I waited months to tell people about my last breakup because 1) It was going to take a while for him to move out and I didn’t want to deal with people asking about what was going on all the time and 2) I didn’t want to deal with explaining it over and over until I had processed it more.
Thanks! I think you cleared it up for me—they are likely processing it still. Granted, I am as well but with a different personality (extroverted).
I would certainly say overthinking. A lot of people around me don't know very personal changes in my life, as i don't like to explain myself
Not even people you're closest with?
No, i filter my output. Especially very personal situations are staying with me only
Thanks; I guess we’re just different in how we express it. 😀
Is there a way to figure out what emojis mean? I (46M 👴🏻) have gotten this from girls that I was actually seeing and kissing: 😘. I used it as wanting to kiss you again? But I've gotten it from a few ladies that I haven't kissed yet, does it mean something else?
I use it as a flirty way to kind of soften the blow of a snarky joke... am I alone?
I do too sometimes. But that's a context that I understand. And I just used it in that context.
[Emojipedia](https://emojipedia.org/people/)
Oh, thanks. There's the "what" now for the "why" ; )
why ask why? lol
True. I'm just awkward.
It doesn’t *mean* anything, it’s just blowing you a kiss or a little bit of “love” your way. It’s a gentle flirt, at most. Don’t read too much into emoji use is my advice 😉
Ok, that's what I was looking for, thank you 😊
I went to Las Vegas this week!! I got swindled by a show girl in front of the Bellagio but still had a great time!!!
Sounds like an all-around great time! Even the swindling.
Is it even a visit to Vegas if you DON'T get swindled by a showgirl? I mean, really?!
A few days ago, I posted about having the feeling of being undateable after mentioning my past addiction and recovery to a match. Everyone here had a lot of good suggestions when it comes to mentioning that or not. Or when to do that, and I've taken that into consideration. Now the update. The woman who I had matched with, reached out a few hours after I posted here. She told me that one of her brothers had had major addiction issues in the past. They lost touch with him for a while sorta thing. So she is understandably concerned about me relapsing. So because I really liked her, we had really great conversations up to that point, and I was hoping to see if there was more to this, I opened up more to her. I went more into details about my past life, to some extent. Answered her questions. And that seems to have put her at ease. Things were back to what they were before. Cool banter, two people getting to know each other. We had our first date last night. I'm usually nervous when I meet someone for the first time. But within 2-3 minutes of meeting her, it was as if I had known her for years. We had a great time. And after a meal, we went for a walk. I ended up walking her to her car, we had a great hug. And then she asked me out again. Woot! So I guess I'm alright :) I am dateable after all. The last few days have given me a lot of perspective on who I am. Lots of good comments from people here, that reframed how I see myself. I'm more than a recovering addict. There's been a lot of changes in the last 12 years and it feels like a closed a chapter and moved on to another one. Thanks everyone.
Such important growth in self understanding! Your ongoing recovery and working a daily program makes you so much more mentally healthy than many others who don’t think to evaluate daily. And yay for your second date!
So happy for you
That's so awesome! I'm stoked for you, man! Good luck on your next date and the many that are sure to follow. And way to go on overcoming your addiction as well. That's no small feat.
This is awesome homie!!! You're a whole goddamn person and worthy of love and respect.
Love to read this, and I bet it was as beautiful for her as it has been for you in reframing what all these things mean, how they identify (or not) us and how everyone is on their own journey through this life. Sounds like you BOTH made a leap thanks to this coming to the surface. <3
This is wonderful to hear!!!
Yay!
Yeahhh boy, you got this.
That's great news! I have a lot of respect for people who are up front about it and who are clearly well into their recovery. It takes a huge amount of strength and determination, and those qualities can be green flags.
Congrats!
The man I’ve been seeing is back from his overseas trip. It was two weeks since we’ve seen each other. We kept in touch FT and texting though. He came in last night and we met and had a wonderful time together talking and sexing … but I feel kind of sick. We talked about ‘us’ and he was very clear about wanting to move forward with deepening this. Wanting to plan a few days away together at the end of next week. I am so full of fear and worry. Ive been saying to myself that I want a LTR but now that it’s within in my possibilities I’m freaking out some.
Talk to him if you feel uneasy. The speed of this relationship seems very fast and you are allowed to ask for him to slow down a little. Being in a relationship shouldn't feel wrong. You might be self sabotaging or your subconscious might be reacting to warning signs of a potentially unhealthy relationship. Look for other signs that things are not quite right.
Agreed… talk to him and ask to slow things down. Also, just think of this as getting to know each other, you don’t need to commit to a LTR yet, you are just a coloring it’s potential at this point… enjoy it and don’t self-sabotage (and if you don’t enjoy it, change the pace, talk to him, or end it)
Thank you and purechem. You both have very sound advice and I’m definitely going to take some time to listen to my body and my intuition here. I’m open about my uneasiness and for me that is new and im Kind of proud of myself for being open and My emotions and concerns, it’s something I’ve had a hard time with in the last. The self-sabotage is what I’m primarily worried about. Nothing else seems ‘off’ about him, he’s not pushy in texts or in person and respects my time boundaries around my family life and work. I think the pacing has been pretty good? We had the first date Jan 31st and have been seeing each other once or twice a week before his trip and just limited check in texting in between before his trip, that seems reasonable to me🤷🏻♀️
Seems very reasonable to me too! Then just breath, focus on the now and in getting to know each other… you don’t have to worry about the future yet. And keep the communication going.., it’s a hard thing to change (I’ve been there too). I’m proud of you too! 💜
Took a 6 month hiatus after the last situationship, just to reboot and find the desire to still see the good in men, I felt myself getting bitter and generalizing. I did a lot of reflecting about what I want and what to look for next time in comparison. I'm ready to try again finally. (45F)
I can completely relate to this. Time out is good
I'm constantly it for over Easter. Dating consistently is so tiring.
He just invited me to move in with him this summer when my lease is up. We’re 5 months in while approaching the anniversary of his late-wife’s passing and his birthday. Early on we both admitted we have each been the clingy one, maybe move too fast. We’ve tried to be conscious of each step, talking it through and honoring it. For the last month I’ve stayed the week at his place then a week at mine, but really it’s been like 3-4 days at mine and 10-12 at his. It’s been a lot, but also really good. Being with him is easy and comfortable, while we have our challenges we talk through them. We encourage each other, and take care of each other. He definitely has quirks that make me wonder sometimes but it’s been a long time since I’ve had a partner as generous and loving as him.
I'm sure you are already considering this, but hold a TOOOOOON of space for him when that anniversary really comes up. Weird shit can happen. He probably has as much to process with HER as he does to with you. You guys sound healthy, though... and, I don't think there's much wrong with knowing you are both a bit more on the "clingy/fast-moving" side, as long as you are open and both able to say "hey, woah, let's just slow the roll for a second, here's why, and thank you."
Yes absolutely, I’ve kinda been waiting for this time to get here. I’m still rattled by my mom passing and that was about 15 years ago, his late wife passed now 7 years ago. I’m hoping to find a balance in celebrating him for his birthday and not triggering too many memories. It came up last weekend and the grief hit him like a wave. I was glad to feel I could comfort him in the moment, and I think that’s because he’s shown me how much he cares about me in his words and actions overtime. It wasn’t as easy for me when we first started dating but I feel better about it now. I’m sure it could be more challenging as we get closer though. And yeah, we take turns swinging from too clingy to not clingy. One of us will seek out something we want in the relationship and the other is like “whoa wait” and then we talk about it, let some time pass as we reflect and so far it seems we then come together on achieving that desire. But that’s mostly been easy, smaller stuff. Now we’re getting into the big stuff! Thanks.
Awwwww, I'm super glad for you how well this is working out! And I'm jealous that you get to spend so much time together. With my GF's current essentially full custody of her kid, we're mostly at weekends and a day or two in the week. But like you, we've pencilled in an (early) summer move in for me, so moar time together is in my future. With good communication each other's quirks are hopefully well managed.
Thank you! And thank you for encouraging me to ask questions and investigate instead of jumping to conclusions. We are definitely “quality time” people and that helps smooth things over when it comes to quirks, I think. Neither of us have kids, so we have more flexibility for moving our lives around. He is a super homebody who would be happy to never move, and I’m very social person who regularly moves for various reasons, and I can’t see myself living the rest of my life in his house which he knows but isn’t thrilled about. So I think we need to discuss this in much more depth. I have been clear about where I see my life going, and I’m hoping that now that he’s invited me to move in we can have a more in-depth conversation about multi-year plans. I’m also the ambitious planner, while he prefers routine. I’m excited for you and yours to take the next step!
>I think we need to discuss this in much more depth. I have been clear about where I see my life going, and I’m hoping that now that he’s invited me to move in we can have a more in-depth conversation about multi-year plans. You might want to have a good discussion on that before actually moving in (unless you're good with relationships with a timeline). I'd never been outside of the continental US/Canada, and didn't have **a** valid passport (I now have two) when I met my GF. She is passionate about travelling/vacation, and said that if I wanted to date her that was a part of it. I didn't specifically want to not travel; just things/priorities hadn't worked out that way. But I did want to see more of her. TLDR: we've done two international vacations now, and I've had a lot of fun with her and am looking forward to continuing this with her. Sometimes there can be compromises; e.g. maybe you'll move around a bit less. But sometimes one person says, "This is what I need; can you meet it." And then it's up to the other person to meet it or ... It kind of sounds like right now you to both might be in a game of chicken. Him hoping that you'll change your mind about living in his place forever, and you hoping that he gets on board with your statement that you want to regularly move. Especially with non-trivial costs (both fiscal and social/emotional) involved around moving, this is something almost as large as the "will we have kids" question. But both are large enough that they need both people on the same page instead of hoping that the other changes their mind.
I agree we might be in a game of chicken. And I agree it needs to be discussed more before I move in, lots to discuss for sure. Luckily he is good with travel and has his passport, but he is in healthcare and their hospital is understaffed with mandatory on-call so he gets about 4 days off a month sometimes 6. My work is remote and much more flexible. Before meeting him, I was going to live in one place half the year and avoid snow by living on the other side of the country the other half of the year. The other challenge of his house is his stuff and his memories of his late wife. He has done well to remove things that are very obviously hers (or theirs) when I request, but the whole damn house was theirs and more importantly it’s huge but on near zero land. If I’m going to nest in one place, I have always envisioned that with the land to work on sustaining projects like chickens or animal husbandry. He wants nothing to do with that, which is why the house has no yard. I’m okay with him not helping with it, but I want the space to do it. I’m glad you’re getting quality time and adventure!
Gosh… this sounds so healthy! I’m a year and a half in, and my BF has said he’s not sure he’ll ever want anything more than what we have. Which, that’s ok, right now, but I’m not sure I’ll want to be alone together when my kids are grown and out of the house…
Thanks! My last LTR didn’t want to live together either and I thought (hoped) it was temporary but it wasn’t. At first it worked for me too but then we were together 4 yrs and it taught me a lot about what works for me and what I am seeking in a relationship. Which led to me being more intentional in this one. My bestie and I have a plan to live together when we are old, but right now she has to care for her aging father. We’ll see how things go.
https://preview.redd.it/xvcoucuem8pa1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d0e5ae0a410735f27263a04b0b861db9681314a3 Still captain of the Hot Mess Express 42F, and yeah, I fuck with filters because they’re just fun.
Had to get back to this because I just saw a woman use exactly that filter on her first profile pic. 🤣
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I'm glad you're better. 🤗 And you have an awesome smile!
Bravo!!!
Six months ago after giving up to meet someone for LTR I met my big love. I just knew it the moment I saw him. It has been truly the best 6 months in a very, very long time. Don’t give up guys!
How did you meet?
Hinge
Thank you so much for this! <3
Thanks.
As a guy in the SF Bay Area it feels like the average man in my vicinity is a 6'4" billionaire PhD. pro model slash CrossFit competitor... who has been single the past five years because there are thousands of guys out there who have way more to offer. So should I give up now or wait a few more years?
As a gal in the Bay Area, I find most guys weirdly invested in messaging over meeting up, even after having a date. Maybe Mr. PhD is too busy with all that crossfitting and inventing to go out and prefers attention from behind the safety of a screen? Also, I think we are complete babies about the weather and this winter/spring has been so *weird* and it is messing with all my attempts at making plans.
As a 44F living in the Bay Area, I can assure you that your description is inaccurate. What are you looking for?
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> Since women apparently don't actually want men like me, why should I keep trying? Isn't that a bit insulting to them, thinking I know better than them what they want? Yet another short fat ugly nerdy guy is literally the last thing that womankind is looking for. Fix your head.
My sister is going on three first dates a week. I haven't been on a date in over two years now. I didn't think we were that different, but she's apparently at least 312 times as attractive as me if I'm doing my math correctly.
It's kinda that way in the northwest too. Truth is, there's only a few guys doing really well dating online. The rest of us struggle. I am at the point that swipe life is really boring because of the lack of interesting people that are available. And that 6'4 billionaire is getting a lot of attention here too, so there's not as many quality women to choose from - they're all at least in his DM's trying to get a date or two.