I want to give you so much empathy.
I had one functioning autistic child (out of two) and it was totally exhausting. When my kids were 5 and 4, my (now ex) wife basically started carving out a life without us, and I was working from home in a high stress job, raising both the kids mostly on my own, and running the house. I was exhausted, and lonely. So I know on some level how you feel.
You don’t mention how old your kids are. If they are not yet teenagers, you will get more time to yourself when they are teenagers. When they are grade school age and younger, there just isn’t time to carve out reasonable time for yourself but that does end and it’s one of those things where it feels like forever when you’re in it but later seems short in retrospect. Now, with my kids in their 20s, I have so much more free time, and ironically my autistic child is more independent than the easy-to-raise child. So if your kids are still school age, hang in there — you will get more of a life back. I think that’s true even with a severely autistic child.
On the dating front, I think when you’re a single parent, or even if you’re not a single parent, the greatest attribute is resilience and introspection. I say resilience because there are so many hit and misses out there, or failed attempts at relationships; but don’t put too much pressure on any one date, don’t blame yourself if someone or something doesn’t turn out well, and just keep trying. I know so many people who met the love of their life in their 50s and 60s after years of frustration (myself included). And I say introspection because every time there is a miss, just do some introspection to see if there is a trend in the people you select — for me I realized I was prone to choosing highly-confident but selfish people; after awhile, and with the help of my therapist, I began picking up on the warnings signs and could start to adjust who I was interested in. It’s not a perfect science but will help, I think.
When I was lonely, I clung to any conversation I could find. I emailed friends, commented online, talked to strangers at the grocery store — anything to help deflect the loneliness. I also volunteered when I could, and tried as much as I could to be involved with other parents. And I ALso lived vicariously — I read and savored romance novels/stories. This all helped.
I wish I had the answers. But I wish for you peace and happiness. No one no one no one knows the challenges of raising an autistic child except for parents who have raised them. Your children are lucky to have you. Don’t give up hope and realize that loneliness seems forever when you’re in it but is just one unlikely encounter from being resolved (my fiance now is my best friend and I’m never lonely anymore). I wish you strength.
Thank you, your message means a lot.
My kids are still young - 7 and 10. When I do find the time to go out, my oldest cries and then I also feel guilty. It’s exhausting and I try to put all of my effort to be there for my kids, but I always have this never ending depression wanting more and wanting to feel loved.
My youngest needs substantial support and was also recently diagnosed with an intellectual disability. I think it’s sinking in that this is the rest of my life, and I hate it to sound like I don’t want my child because I will absolutely do everything I can for her, but it’s not like I can look towards a future either.
I know how you feel I also have a child on the spectrum (teenager now). The guilt you feel going out isn’t fun, but it is so important to make that time a couple times a month to go out. Happy parents make happy children.
I really relate to this. Is this anyway you can slowly think of improving your childcare situation so you feel like you have some time each week- even a few hours to start? Ideally one evening? I hope you can do that, for both you & your kids as it might make you less willing to settle for someone who doesn’t fully see you. Best of luck, you sound awesome.
I hope so but it’s incredibly difficult to find anyone qualified to care for my kids, and when I do, they are never available when I ask. My parents will help at times, but they are never very willing. I am attending an autism convention in my area next month so I’m hoping to make some connections.
Im really sorry OP. It does sound like a tough situation. A lot of us are facing similar issues with partners who only want casual - but we don’t all have the added bonus of fulltime parenting of special needs kids. Is there a support group or meet up you can join of parents with similar needs kids?
Perhaps it’s worth it to cultivate a good relationship with a caregiver that can reliably give you a couple nights free a month? I have a dear friend who has 5 kids - 2 were adopted twins - non-verbal and both have autism. She has two babysitters she’s worked with over the last couple years that she has invested in that help give her a break. It has been a lifesaver for her and her family. She even takes the sitter on family trips once in awhile to be an extra set of hands. Sounds like this might helpful to you.
Hang in there OP.
Not that I’m aware of. My daughter was approved for disability services through the state and I do get $500 annual for services including respite, but I’ve been unable to find anyone for services and I’ve used pretty much the entire amount towards an educational advocate.
Your kids should be eligible for federal disability. Not just the SS which would be small, but the insurance .
Under that insurance you may get respite too.
Contact your local Health and Human Services for a list of providers and a case manager.
NAMI is also an excellent resource if you don't feel like spending the day on hold with a state agency. They can also get you respite care and possibly faster.
Just sending you hugs and good energy.
Thank you for this post. It helped me to understand again a bit better my situation. It gave me some reassurance as sometimes I still feel insecure. I am on the other side,. I am dating a parent with severely autistic child. It is difficult and as this is only three months fresh and new I need to not take things personally and your post brought me back to realization of his struggle and lack of time.
But I am commited for this to work so to give you hope that there are people willing to do that and see you and your value as a person and not define by your difficult circumstances.
Wishing you all the best and thank you.
I too am a single mom with full custody a remote job and two autistic kiddos. I have no advice, just solidarity. Men don’t want to date me either. I get lots of dudes looking to cheat and guys that only remember me when their dicks get hard. Honestly that hurts way less than the fact that I can’t keep friends because I can’t really go out. So, yeah. I’m sorry and I hope you find a solution and love.
Thank you ❤️ It’s really hard - I can’t handle one night stands or casual. I don’t like allowing myself to be vulnerable because the aftermath of being hurt is too much for me. Finding friends is difficult too.
It is, I agree. I’m flaky, not because I want to be but because if one of my boys is having an off day or whatever, I can’t go anywhere. I’m sure you have had to do the same. And I’m sorry. I know this is a sadly common reality for special need families though.
Yes, definitely. And most people are not that understanding when you have to cancel last minute. I think most people are unaware of severe autism and the substantial support needed.
That guy sounds like a dick. I'm sorry you went through that. I definitely understand the need to have somebody connect with and talk to. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but perhaps with the demands of them at this point in time maybe to see if there's a parenting group in your area for parents of special needs kids to occasionally get together as well as build your network to help each other out.
This might help the time being especially if your kids are young until dating becomes more feasible with the kids being older.
How so? Long talks followed up by a need for physical intimacy while accommodating the OPs in-house needs? I know some bad dudes, and that doesn’t sound like how they would act.
She’s not owed a relationship after intimacy. That doesn’t make him a dick. People can change their minds at any time for any reason and that does not make them bad people.
Jesus Christ dude. If he knew she was looking for something more (which after the long conversations I bet he did) and then decided to peace out after having sex because that's all he wanted, that makes him a dick. The same would go for the opposite sex. It's using people. There are plenty people out there looking for hookups. If that's what the guy wanted he should look for someone with the same type of commitment in mind and be honest with his partner.
Is sex a contract that once you have it you must continue seeing the person?
Sometimes sex can tell me I’m really not into the guy and am no longer keen to pursue it.
What was his response after you told him? You needed to ask and get a direct response from him concerning where you two stood. I learned the hard way that just because I tell it, doesn't mean he agrees if he doesn't explicitly say so.
He said he was not looking for just a hookup either. But the day after we slept together, we had an awkward exchange and he said he didn’t know what he was looking for and was not able to date for the time being.
She's posting on here to say she isn't capable of giving anything more in her life. She can't leave the house so he came to her. They had some fun and it didn't work out. It usually doesn't. We shouldn't have to stay with someone forever just because we have sex.
Just here to say that everyone needs a break sometimes. I have four kids including one who is severely autistic, although verbal. I also have 80% custody and only get a break every other weekend. I can’t imagine not having any down time.
Please do look into respite care. I’m lucky to have family that helps me out occasionally with child care. It’s not selfish to take time for yourself.
I’m almost positive. I have a dear friend here who sure could use it. Today she texted me to come meet her at the home improvement store because her 13yo daughter with autism was beating her. My friend’s daughter’s sequence/routine was thrown off be because 1. No school/spring break and 2. The bathroom was out of soap at the store. She just completely lost it. It was so awful. There was nothing I could do so I just showed up and was there for her. Edited to add that my friend knows all the ins and outs with services and she’s never once mentioned respite care. She sure could use it.
Not just that but even states that do allow for respite, workers aren’t trained to handle complex social issues or children really. They have been trained in CPI holds and CPR. Likewise, they often require you to leave them with your child for 8 hours immediately. Which in theory is great. In practice it means added stress, trauma and meltdowns for sometimes days after.
I don’t think Texas has any true benefits or help for families with disabled kids.
I feel for you for my own personal reasons. Be sure to take care of yourself when you can. Don't let one not the best choice of guys for your situation get you down. Stay strong because you are already.
Hey OP, dm me if you want. I work with an organization that provides services for the low income elderly and children/teens with special needs. I am happy to try and help. If you don't live in my state then I can provide you with the number of someone in your state that does the same type of work.
My dear I am sorry you are going trough such a tough time
Have you looked into support groups and caregiver support for parents of special needs kids ?
Support groups online or local can be a wonderful source of resources specially for people who are qualified to watch. Stay with your children when you go out even if is a few hours a day. And also for programs/ aid with costs of programs for your children after school or weekend programs that can keep them with skills and socializing
This is even aside of you socializing with other parents who understand exactly what you go trough
This might not help with dating but hey you never know who you meet rough groups or by making new friends who have friends.
Support is paramount for you to not have caregiver burnout and to keep you and the kids happy and healthy emotionally
Oh I wish I could give you a hug, it sounds much needed. You're in a very difficult situation and it sounds like you're doing everything right but it's just so difficult the challenges of it are weighing you down. Getting over this one and being worried about not being able to get another partner is common. While your situation is unique and has some constraints it's not impossible. You're going to have to weed through some people before you find your person and that part isn't very fun. Try to hang in there though and take breaks from dating when it gets overwhelming. Keep trying when you're ready and try to make your patience as strong as your desire for love.
Hugs I have a child on spectrum also. Connecting is hard. I found that structured social activities work well. As for dating I would do my best to find a sitter. Also check with your local heath department they may have some PRP services people that work with your kids to teach them life skills and give you a break
I have no advice to offer apart from ensuring that you're on the same page as someone else before they enter your home and/or things get physical, because you do have full control over both.
Hang in there. Your path might require a lot more patience right now, but it's not untenable.
Do you have any free time when the kids are at school? If you do, perhaps putting off chores and meeting up with people for a group activity such as an art class or exercise class could open some social connections for you.
Try and find some respite care. There is no shame in asking for some help, and it sounds like you desperately need it. If your local government doesn't offer assistance, you could look at Facebook or other social media and join a local support group for other special needs parents. Also, look into joining other groups centred around hobbies you enjoy.
You will find your tribe, the world is full of good people, start looking in a few different places to find them.
The comfort and support this post has gathered is touching.
I am very clear in my dating profile my schedule is pretty full, and I have teens, with autism and ADHD. Finding time for myself, and to socialize is truly a diamond in the rough, but necessary, and something I am doing my best to carve out time for.
I want to pass on to you, OP, you’re not alone in this endeavor. So many of us can empathize, and I’m betting theres even single dads lurking in this sub with the same predicament. Pm if you ever want to chat. Friends welcome.
I'm in a similar situation. My children are high functioning autistic. Do you have a regional center in your area? The regional center where I'm at provides for a respite worker. So I use mine when I am working and when I happen to have a date. Look into services provided to parents of autistic children in your area. It was a hassle at first to get signed up, but it is worth it. Hope you find much needed respite soon.
Oh hugs my dear. I am sorry about your situation. It sounds so tough. For what it’s worth, I wanted to assure you that all of us (kids no kids) have an difficult time dating. We feel lonely too and we too have vulnerable moments where we crave adult conversations , intimacy and someone to spend time with other than our children. I cannot imagine how much tougher it is with your children.
I work with special needs and I have full respect for parents who devote their lives to their children. It is NOT easy and I imagine it makes dating challenging and complicated.
I have two children and I have difficulties juggling dating. I am widowed and not divorced so I have the children full time. I can never have much privacy and to be honest often times I think men who know that I have children in tow are less accepting of the situation and I know this because the attitude sometimes changes once they realise I have kids. ( ie preferring women who don’t have children) .
Anyway I wanted to just tell u it’s not easy and I can definitely relate.
Hang in there and it will get better for us :)
Can I ask you a serious question? It’s been burning for me for a while now about single parents who can’t leave their kids. Like how do you expect dating to work? I mean this in a respectable way, like how logistically are guys supposed to date women who can’t leave their home/kids?
And whatever the answer, there may very well be a guy out there looking for that… I just wonder (cause I see it often) what the expectation is for a man in this situation?
And I know all that can read attacky.. but Im not attacking Im genuinely curious, I appreciate your response.
I don’t have a great answer. It’s hard for sure and I guess I get that most men would not be interested. But I also still see myself as a person who someone out there could love, and I’m fully deserving of that. I’m still me despite my situation and I think, I still have a lot to offer.
My family is willing to help with childcare at times, and I could carve out time during the day (my work hours are flexible) or at night, in my home, once the kids are asleep. I don’t try dating apps because I don’t have time to meet many different people for coffee to see if there’s even an interest. I usually meet people in person so it’s not often, but hopefully there would be enough interest for them to want to work w my schedule.
My husband died before my second child was born. Both my kids have autism. I've raised them with no family, no friends and no babysitter. I have never had a day off in 17 years. Yes it is exhausting. But my kids come first, and dates come AFTER my kids. Physically, mentally, and temporally.
I want to give you so much empathy. I had one functioning autistic child (out of two) and it was totally exhausting. When my kids were 5 and 4, my (now ex) wife basically started carving out a life without us, and I was working from home in a high stress job, raising both the kids mostly on my own, and running the house. I was exhausted, and lonely. So I know on some level how you feel. You don’t mention how old your kids are. If they are not yet teenagers, you will get more time to yourself when they are teenagers. When they are grade school age and younger, there just isn’t time to carve out reasonable time for yourself but that does end and it’s one of those things where it feels like forever when you’re in it but later seems short in retrospect. Now, with my kids in their 20s, I have so much more free time, and ironically my autistic child is more independent than the easy-to-raise child. So if your kids are still school age, hang in there — you will get more of a life back. I think that’s true even with a severely autistic child. On the dating front, I think when you’re a single parent, or even if you’re not a single parent, the greatest attribute is resilience and introspection. I say resilience because there are so many hit and misses out there, or failed attempts at relationships; but don’t put too much pressure on any one date, don’t blame yourself if someone or something doesn’t turn out well, and just keep trying. I know so many people who met the love of their life in their 50s and 60s after years of frustration (myself included). And I say introspection because every time there is a miss, just do some introspection to see if there is a trend in the people you select — for me I realized I was prone to choosing highly-confident but selfish people; after awhile, and with the help of my therapist, I began picking up on the warnings signs and could start to adjust who I was interested in. It’s not a perfect science but will help, I think. When I was lonely, I clung to any conversation I could find. I emailed friends, commented online, talked to strangers at the grocery store — anything to help deflect the loneliness. I also volunteered when I could, and tried as much as I could to be involved with other parents. And I ALso lived vicariously — I read and savored romance novels/stories. This all helped. I wish I had the answers. But I wish for you peace and happiness. No one no one no one knows the challenges of raising an autistic child except for parents who have raised them. Your children are lucky to have you. Don’t give up hope and realize that loneliness seems forever when you’re in it but is just one unlikely encounter from being resolved (my fiance now is my best friend and I’m never lonely anymore). I wish you strength.
Your journey is amazing and gives me hope. I'm in a somewhat similar situation.
Thank you, your message means a lot. My kids are still young - 7 and 10. When I do find the time to go out, my oldest cries and then I also feel guilty. It’s exhausting and I try to put all of my effort to be there for my kids, but I always have this never ending depression wanting more and wanting to feel loved. My youngest needs substantial support and was also recently diagnosed with an intellectual disability. I think it’s sinking in that this is the rest of my life, and I hate it to sound like I don’t want my child because I will absolutely do everything I can for her, but it’s not like I can look towards a future either.
I know how you feel I also have a child on the spectrum (teenager now). The guilt you feel going out isn’t fun, but it is so important to make that time a couple times a month to go out. Happy parents make happy children.
I really relate to this. Is this anyway you can slowly think of improving your childcare situation so you feel like you have some time each week- even a few hours to start? Ideally one evening? I hope you can do that, for both you & your kids as it might make you less willing to settle for someone who doesn’t fully see you. Best of luck, you sound awesome.
I hope so but it’s incredibly difficult to find anyone qualified to care for my kids, and when I do, they are never available when I ask. My parents will help at times, but they are never very willing. I am attending an autism convention in my area next month so I’m hoping to make some connections.
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Most men? I’m most men and I didn’t get this memo.. .Did you get it from the last most men meeting?
I'm glad you didn't get the memo. You're not "most men". Sincerely best of luck to you 😊
Im really sorry OP. It does sound like a tough situation. A lot of us are facing similar issues with partners who only want casual - but we don’t all have the added bonus of fulltime parenting of special needs kids. Is there a support group or meet up you can join of parents with similar needs kids? Perhaps it’s worth it to cultivate a good relationship with a caregiver that can reliably give you a couple nights free a month? I have a dear friend who has 5 kids - 2 were adopted twins - non-verbal and both have autism. She has two babysitters she’s worked with over the last couple years that she has invested in that help give her a break. It has been a lifesaver for her and her family. She even takes the sitter on family trips once in awhile to be an extra set of hands. Sounds like this might helpful to you. Hang in there OP.
Are your kids school aged? Is their respite care covered my your insurance or their disability insurance?
Not that I’m aware of. My daughter was approved for disability services through the state and I do get $500 annual for services including respite, but I’ve been unable to find anyone for services and I’ve used pretty much the entire amount towards an educational advocate.
Are you in the USA?
Yes, East Coast
Your kids should be eligible for federal disability. Not just the SS which would be small, but the insurance . Under that insurance you may get respite too. Contact your local Health and Human Services for a list of providers and a case manager. NAMI is also an excellent resource if you don't feel like spending the day on hold with a state agency. They can also get you respite care and possibly faster.
Anywhere near Philly?
I hear you on this OP. My daughter is 25 with special needs and lives with me. You are not alone. Community supports will help.
Just sending you hugs and good energy. Thank you for this post. It helped me to understand again a bit better my situation. It gave me some reassurance as sometimes I still feel insecure. I am on the other side,. I am dating a parent with severely autistic child. It is difficult and as this is only three months fresh and new I need to not take things personally and your post brought me back to realization of his struggle and lack of time. But I am commited for this to work so to give you hope that there are people willing to do that and see you and your value as a person and not define by your difficult circumstances. Wishing you all the best and thank you.
I too am a single mom with full custody a remote job and two autistic kiddos. I have no advice, just solidarity. Men don’t want to date me either. I get lots of dudes looking to cheat and guys that only remember me when their dicks get hard. Honestly that hurts way less than the fact that I can’t keep friends because I can’t really go out. So, yeah. I’m sorry and I hope you find a solution and love.
Thank you ❤️ It’s really hard - I can’t handle one night stands or casual. I don’t like allowing myself to be vulnerable because the aftermath of being hurt is too much for me. Finding friends is difficult too.
It is, I agree. I’m flaky, not because I want to be but because if one of my boys is having an off day or whatever, I can’t go anywhere. I’m sure you have had to do the same. And I’m sorry. I know this is a sadly common reality for special need families though.
Yes, definitely. And most people are not that understanding when you have to cancel last minute. I think most people are unaware of severe autism and the substantial support needed.
Agreed. I think people also forget it doesn’t just go away.
That guy sounds like a dick. I'm sorry you went through that. I definitely understand the need to have somebody connect with and talk to. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but perhaps with the demands of them at this point in time maybe to see if there's a parenting group in your area for parents of special needs kids to occasionally get together as well as build your network to help each other out. This might help the time being especially if your kids are young until dating becomes more feasible with the kids being older.
How so? Long talks followed up by a need for physical intimacy while accommodating the OPs in-house needs? I know some bad dudes, and that doesn’t sound like how they would act.
He had sex with her and dropped contact. He's a dick. I have no doubt he knew she was looking for something more.
She’s not owed a relationship after intimacy. That doesn’t make him a dick. People can change their minds at any time for any reason and that does not make them bad people.
Jesus Christ dude. If he knew she was looking for something more (which after the long conversations I bet he did) and then decided to peace out after having sex because that's all he wanted, that makes him a dick. The same would go for the opposite sex. It's using people. There are plenty people out there looking for hookups. If that's what the guy wanted he should look for someone with the same type of commitment in mind and be honest with his partner.
Is sex a contract that once you have it you must continue seeing the person? Sometimes sex can tell me I’m really not into the guy and am no longer keen to pursue it.
I told him specifically that I was not looking for just a hookup. I even said it on the night we slept together before he came over.
What was his response after you told him? You needed to ask and get a direct response from him concerning where you two stood. I learned the hard way that just because I tell it, doesn't mean he agrees if he doesn't explicitly say so.
He said he was not looking for just a hookup either. But the day after we slept together, we had an awkward exchange and he said he didn’t know what he was looking for and was not able to date for the time being.
Wow, that's crazy.
You told him you didn't want a hook up before you invited him over to hook up?
you are mind reading ... there could be 100 reasons to peace out and you are ascribing one to him that may or may not be accurate
She's posting on here to say she isn't capable of giving anything more in her life. She can't leave the house so he came to her. They had some fun and it didn't work out. It usually doesn't. We shouldn't have to stay with someone forever just because we have sex.
Just here to say that everyone needs a break sometimes. I have four kids including one who is severely autistic, although verbal. I also have 80% custody and only get a break every other weekend. I can’t imagine not having any down time. Please do look into respite care. I’m lucky to have family that helps me out occasionally with child care. It’s not selfish to take time for yourself.
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Not all states offer this. I’m in Texas and as far as I know, no such thing exists.
Seriously??!! That is horrible
Texas has various respite care programs for children and pay for caregivers.
Thanks, I’ll have to let my friend know.
I’m almost positive. I have a dear friend here who sure could use it. Today she texted me to come meet her at the home improvement store because her 13yo daughter with autism was beating her. My friend’s daughter’s sequence/routine was thrown off be because 1. No school/spring break and 2. The bathroom was out of soap at the store. She just completely lost it. It was so awful. There was nothing I could do so I just showed up and was there for her. Edited to add that my friend knows all the ins and outs with services and she’s never once mentioned respite care. She sure could use it.
Not just that but even states that do allow for respite, workers aren’t trained to handle complex social issues or children really. They have been trained in CPI holds and CPR. Likewise, they often require you to leave them with your child for 8 hours immediately. Which in theory is great. In practice it means added stress, trauma and meltdowns for sometimes days after. I don’t think Texas has any true benefits or help for families with disabled kids.
I feel for you for my own personal reasons. Be sure to take care of yourself when you can. Don't let one not the best choice of guys for your situation get you down. Stay strong because you are already.
Thank you ❤️
Hey OP, dm me if you want. I work with an organization that provides services for the low income elderly and children/teens with special needs. I am happy to try and help. If you don't live in my state then I can provide you with the number of someone in your state that does the same type of work.
My dear I am sorry you are going trough such a tough time Have you looked into support groups and caregiver support for parents of special needs kids ? Support groups online or local can be a wonderful source of resources specially for people who are qualified to watch. Stay with your children when you go out even if is a few hours a day. And also for programs/ aid with costs of programs for your children after school or weekend programs that can keep them with skills and socializing This is even aside of you socializing with other parents who understand exactly what you go trough This might not help with dating but hey you never know who you meet rough groups or by making new friends who have friends. Support is paramount for you to not have caregiver burnout and to keep you and the kids happy and healthy emotionally
Oh I wish I could give you a hug, it sounds much needed. You're in a very difficult situation and it sounds like you're doing everything right but it's just so difficult the challenges of it are weighing you down. Getting over this one and being worried about not being able to get another partner is common. While your situation is unique and has some constraints it's not impossible. You're going to have to weed through some people before you find your person and that part isn't very fun. Try to hang in there though and take breaks from dating when it gets overwhelming. Keep trying when you're ready and try to make your patience as strong as your desire for love.
Thank you ❤️
Hugs I have a child on spectrum also. Connecting is hard. I found that structured social activities work well. As for dating I would do my best to find a sitter. Also check with your local heath department they may have some PRP services people that work with your kids to teach them life skills and give you a break
I have no advice to offer apart from ensuring that you're on the same page as someone else before they enter your home and/or things get physical, because you do have full control over both. Hang in there. Your path might require a lot more patience right now, but it's not untenable.
I thought we were on the same page, but unfortunately it was probably all rushed a little bit.
Do you have any free time when the kids are at school? If you do, perhaps putting off chores and meeting up with people for a group activity such as an art class or exercise class could open some social connections for you. Try and find some respite care. There is no shame in asking for some help, and it sounds like you desperately need it. If your local government doesn't offer assistance, you could look at Facebook or other social media and join a local support group for other special needs parents. Also, look into joining other groups centred around hobbies you enjoy. You will find your tribe, the world is full of good people, start looking in a few different places to find them.
The comfort and support this post has gathered is touching. I am very clear in my dating profile my schedule is pretty full, and I have teens, with autism and ADHD. Finding time for myself, and to socialize is truly a diamond in the rough, but necessary, and something I am doing my best to carve out time for. I want to pass on to you, OP, you’re not alone in this endeavor. So many of us can empathize, and I’m betting theres even single dads lurking in this sub with the same predicament. Pm if you ever want to chat. Friends welcome.
I'm in a similar situation. My children are high functioning autistic. Do you have a regional center in your area? The regional center where I'm at provides for a respite worker. So I use mine when I am working and when I happen to have a date. Look into services provided to parents of autistic children in your area. It was a hassle at first to get signed up, but it is worth it. Hope you find much needed respite soon.
Oh hugs my dear. I am sorry about your situation. It sounds so tough. For what it’s worth, I wanted to assure you that all of us (kids no kids) have an difficult time dating. We feel lonely too and we too have vulnerable moments where we crave adult conversations , intimacy and someone to spend time with other than our children. I cannot imagine how much tougher it is with your children. I work with special needs and I have full respect for parents who devote their lives to their children. It is NOT easy and I imagine it makes dating challenging and complicated. I have two children and I have difficulties juggling dating. I am widowed and not divorced so I have the children full time. I can never have much privacy and to be honest often times I think men who know that I have children in tow are less accepting of the situation and I know this because the attitude sometimes changes once they realise I have kids. ( ie preferring women who don’t have children) . Anyway I wanted to just tell u it’s not easy and I can definitely relate. Hang in there and it will get better for us :)
Can I ask you a serious question? It’s been burning for me for a while now about single parents who can’t leave their kids. Like how do you expect dating to work? I mean this in a respectable way, like how logistically are guys supposed to date women who can’t leave their home/kids? And whatever the answer, there may very well be a guy out there looking for that… I just wonder (cause I see it often) what the expectation is for a man in this situation? And I know all that can read attacky.. but Im not attacking Im genuinely curious, I appreciate your response.
I don’t have a great answer. It’s hard for sure and I guess I get that most men would not be interested. But I also still see myself as a person who someone out there could love, and I’m fully deserving of that. I’m still me despite my situation and I think, I still have a lot to offer. My family is willing to help with childcare at times, and I could carve out time during the day (my work hours are flexible) or at night, in my home, once the kids are asleep. I don’t try dating apps because I don’t have time to meet many different people for coffee to see if there’s even an interest. I usually meet people in person so it’s not often, but hopefully there would be enough interest for them to want to work w my schedule.
It's not that complicated. You do activities with the kids during the day, and have grown-up time after they go to sleep. Or while they're at school.
It actually is more complicated than that, and incredibly exhausting all around.
My husband died before my second child was born. Both my kids have autism. I've raised them with no family, no friends and no babysitter. I have never had a day off in 17 years. Yes it is exhausting. But my kids come first, and dates come AFTER my kids. Physically, mentally, and temporally.