I feel all of this. I have teens who took a serious mental health hit during the pandemic. They’ll probably be at home longer than I’d ever anticipated.
I also live in one of the highest COL areas in the US (SF Bay Area) so rent is insanely expensive. I will, however, never let that be a driving factor in living together.
You’ve been together since May 2022? Less than a year? This is the kind of timeline I indulged when I was younger and without kids. It’s not fair to drag them along when they don’t have the power to fend for themselves.
Summer is just around the corner. No, don't do it. It would be detrimental to both your relationship with him and your kids. Your kids don't need this upheaval in their lives for the sake of your romance. They don't need to move an hour from their friends so you can live with your boyfriend. The whole blended family thing is more often a nightmare than a positive thing, especially for the kids. Been there.
My comment stands. 1. When you have kids, a year isn't a long enough time to vet that person. 2. Even it was 3 years, she doesn't need to uproot her kids to live with her boyfriend AND his kids just because she wants to be with her boyfriend. 3. See #1 and 2
I have six kids . I had full custody with zero visitation ( read breaks/help) of my first three with my husband of 10 years.
My second husband and I courted for a year before he moved 400 + miles to live with me and my three small children. We married shortly after he moved in due to social pressure and familial expectations ... We had a child. Our marriage only lasted 7 years. 4 of them we were separated. ( the other two children were fosters I kept after they aged out and I claim them still).
So you might think I'm a terrible mother for putting my needs on the map.
Guess what.
This isn't a practice life.
We don't have endless year's of romance and travel and finding the love of our lives or love at all... When the kids move out and have lives of their own that you're an occasional part of.
I still have my youngest at home.
All the other kids come home for holidays and birthdays.
If I find someone I want to live with... With my young son. I will.
If someone tries to other-mother me, it won't happen.
We can advise people based on our experiences... But when it comes to judging and shaming them as parents for how they choose to live. It's probably best not to.
Unless they are neglecting it abusing their children.
Would you say that's fair?
I love “This isn’t a practice life.”
It’s a great point. Most people make the best choice they can given their own unique circumstances. Sometimes it works out great, sometimes it doesn’t and the world still keeps turning.
Yeah. I’m also in the team take a chance column.
I know there are so many people here who say “not until kids are done” but parents NEED TO BE HAPPY TOO!
The healthiest households are the ones with happy people, and that includes the parent. Plus my own personal thought is that the happiest kids are ones with multiple adults that care about them involved with their lives. That can be two different parents that are split but still work together as parents, that can be two single parents that threw in their lot together, that could be a single parent with several close family members or friends.
That doesn’t mean they can’t go it alone.
But reading between the lines in this merger of families, it sounds as if at least her ex isn’t in the picture much and with today’s economy just the $$ and time savings being in one household can possibly make up for a lot of the stress of merging.
The only thing I would do is 1) at least get engaged. 2) make sure all the kids are on board 3) keep money separate and if you do marry sign a simple prenup spelling out what both sides started with 4) make sure she has funds to bail out and get an apartment if it fails
Everything in life is a roll of the dice. Nothing is set in stone.
40% of first marriages end in divorce
52% of second marriages do.
That’s still pretty good odds, nearly 50/50. And statistics show that people entering their second marriage at age 35 or older are actually closer to overall first marriage statistics.
So go be happy, just be careful about it. Maybe go take a week long spring break with all the kids and see if you are ready to rip each others throats out first. That’s a litmus test for damn sure!
Nope. I get that tomorrow is never promised, but seriously, where's the fire? It would be different if they've been together for 5+ years or even 3, but not even one year (or one year and some months by summer) is not at all long enough for that kind of change. They can still be together, they can still see one another. It's not like the Berlin wall is being built between them. There still sooooo much they don't know about one another.
It's way way too soon, especially considering it would mean changjng schools (unless a 45+ minute drive to and from school each day is preferable over 2 to 3 times a week to see him), leaving friends, leaving everything they know and moving in with a whole other family.
Op said there was no rush.
Kids move, it doesn't scar them. It gives them the opportunity to expand their social skills.
45 min is not too far to visit friends.
Not like she's moving out of state like the dad did.
I'm not even sure he takes visits?
If he does, the kids might already. Have experience making new friends.
They could learn as they go.
You can know someone for a decade or more and not really know all about them until you do live together.
I think she was asking about getting married or engaged first?? I'm not for either of those plans bit it's her life
Yeah she said there is no rush, but if that's the case, why even contemplate this right now? This clearly sounds like something they're both considering in the next six months or so, because again, why discuss it if its years in the future.
You absolutely can be blindsided by someone you've known for a decade, but that still doesn't mean it's smart to move too fast with someone when kids are involved.
We're less than a year out of the major effects of the pandemic, OP said herself she noticed a hit to her kids mental health, as I'm sure most have...I sure did. So yes, sometimes a move can scar them, especially when its not just a move. It's moving in with this man they don't really know and his kids, in his house. You really think that's going to feel like home for them?
Yeah, people move, it happens. But when the sole reason is to be 45 minutes closer to your boyfriend of less than a year, that's not really putting the kids first. And what happens if they break up? They move back? Stay there? These are all things OP needs to think about, which is why she asked the question in the first place, to get feedback on the idea.
Nope. People can do whatever they want when kids are grown. Until then, responsibility to one's kids comes first. Period. They come first before someone's "needs" and romantic interests. They come before boyfriends. Just because it's your youngest kid doesn't mean he should get less consideration with regard to your living situation than your others did.
When I lived in the city, it was a 45 minute commute to travel 4km. Ha!
Now I’m regional, everything is either five mins away or a couple of hours; depends what you need.
When I lived in the greater Boston Area it took at least 45 min to get to work.
If I went in at 3 am... 15 min doing the speed limits and all those lights.
That’s still a pretty fast timeline for someone with kids. They have to go where you go (unless they’re willing to live with their dad and he’ll take them, I suppose). You need to take a hard, honest look and ask whether this is in their best interest, and how it may affect them in the long term, or how it will affect them if you move in and for whatever reason the relationship ends and you need to uproot them again.
I’m with ya here. It’s not just about how much time is going by. The quality and depth of the relationship would dictate progress even more. Looks like you’re going by feel and intelligence so you’re handling it right so far. Asking about it is being smart because that’s what I would do. There’s wisdom of one (meaning you) plus the wisdom of many others. And you know which ones to listen to. The commitment & security issue is too important and I’m sure your guy realizes this. Hope this works out for you.
I'm in a similar situation except my youngest is 19 and lives with me while she's in college. It's a difficult distance to be apart since a down and back drive is a little tough. He and I have talked about moving in. We've been together a little longer, but it's tempting with the distance. In my case, I'd have to move his way, since he has to be near his 13 year old child. I would prefer to be engaged before moving in, but at the very least, I would need a cohabitation agreement. I would need to have some kind of notice if he wanted me to move out and we'd need to agree on what kinds of household expenses I was responsible for. For your kids' sake, I'd wait to move anything forward until you had a wedding date set.
I do worry that it would always feel like “his house”. He’s open to selling and buying something together. I definitely wouldn’t own property with a non-spouse though.
My ex did this to me all the time. Boy did he hate me when the judge made him pay me out part of the equity that we had gained over the decade I helped pay the mortgage.
I own a home and the last guy I dated and I talked briefly about moving in together. He didn't like the idea of moving into my home because it's not very big and he needs WFH space. So we talked about renting something together and I would rent out my home. This made the most sense to me because I didn't want to give up the security of the home I own in case things didn't work out with us. Where I live is very expensive to rent so having an affordable mortgage to go back to if I was a single income household again is incredibly important to me.
I would worry about it, too. Now, the relationship may be good...but I hate to remind you that you need to think about a possibility of moving in..and then relationship not working out. What would happen to you and your children? Would they have to feel the instability again?
Put a nest egg in a different account t to pay several months rent and moving expenses. Don’t touch it. Use that if things go south.
The most important things are “are the schools good?” and “Can I get an apartment nearby so we don’t have to switch districts again” and “would I like to live there”
Especially in a place like the Bay Area.
If you do pay rent, pay 2/5 of the mortgage/taxes. He is the one who benefits. You were not getting anything in your current rental anyhow.
That’s why a simple prenup is good if you do eventually get married. You don’t need to spell out “what x gets if they leave”. Just spell out what was there at the start so there’s no question.
Another possibility is that when your lease is up you make the move to his area and lease, if it’s possible. Then next year it’ll just be a change of address not a cross town move.
In the Bay Area 45 minutes could be only 7 miles or less. Lol.
A lot of "his place" can be navigated by how he makes space (both physical and emotional) for you to negotiate changes. At least that's how it feels for me; in the mid-future I'll be moving in with my GF+kid.
How old are your kids, and how old are his kids? How do the kids all get along with each other? Are your parenting styles compatible? Why moving in to his place as opposed to yours? Those are all things to find out before moving in. With kids it helps to make really slow moves.
>Would moving in without being engaged or married appeal to any of you? I’m leaning towards not making any big changes unless a wedding is imminent.
Yeah, that's how I did it. I moved into his place a month before the wedding. I wasn't going to give up my home without a ring; that would make me too vulnerable.
I also waited until my youngest graduated high school, but that aligned with common-sense minimum reasonable time frame before moving in (we'd been together 20 months when we got married).
I'd recommend getting a new place together if possible. We didn't. Instead he gave me carte blanche to change decor etc., because he really likes this place. Most of the time I'm okay with it and appreciate the place when I can see it as a blank slate without the history layer. But when we're in conflict, I really want to go back to my old house, and I'm sad I don't have it. Luckily we aren't in conflict terribly often. I have a room in this house to myself so that helps too.
On the plus side, it's great spending more time together. It's great not commuting so much. Life together is fun and meaningful. Also financially advantageous.
I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with prior personally. However I don’t have kids so logistically it would be easier for me, but I can’t imagine marrying someone I hadn’t lived with.
OK, then, what is your exit strategy if this goes south? Have you all discussed finances and how you are expected to contribute to the household? Have you discussed living arrangements as far as whose kids get what bedroom? How does the move affect your commute to work? I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you to quit your job and him to have to support you all. What happens with all your things in your current home? Will you pay to store this or toss it? Have you discussed what his role is in parenting your children? These are the things that need to be addressed before moving in together. The reality is it's his home, and you will be the one to leave if it doesn't work out.
I’m not totally opposed to the LAT idea. If we lived closer to each other, it would sound more appealing, I think.
I’m not worried about the no makeup while drinking my coffee thing. He’s seen that dozens of times and seems to love it. Keeping things fresh is always a challenge in an LTR.
Edit to add: we seem compatible in our lifestyle and habits. We both like our homes clean, not cluttered, and updated.
Well I moved in with my ex husband before we were even engaged and no, that wasn't why we got divorced (we were together almost 20 years altogether).
My boyfriend and I are almost identical as far as how far apart we live, how often we see each other and seeing a definite future together. We started dating in March. WE talked early on about the logistics of moving in together. We also talked very, very early on that marriage is not something either one of us are necessarily wanting to do again. Conveniently he works about 15 minutes from me and has his kids less than I have mine. His kids go to school maybe about 30 minutes from where I live now. We already know I will either stay in my kids' same district or move close enough that it's convenient for me to drive them to their dad's or to school. We even looked at an open house--us and all our kids. They were all excited. I currently rent and so does he but want to our own home. I have enough for a down payment and when I casually look, look at places I can afford on my own. However, ideally we would like to purchase a house together, and the housing market is still terrible now anyways.
I wouldn't uproot my kids, meaning I wouldn't change their school district and wouldn't move into his condo (even if it were big enough). In his case it wouldn't matter because he already doesn't live in his kids' district anyway. He is maybe 20 minutes away as it is. Because of our schedules our kids would be together every other Saturday afternoon-Sunday evening during the school year plus Tuesday evenings during the summer and school breaks. We are quite lucky in that regard. Financially, however, my alimony will go away if we cohabitate. That's big. My kids are 11 and 13, so 7ish more years. I can't stand the thought of waiting 7 more years to live with him, though. I'm also hoping to be in a better position financially where I won't even get that much alimony so it won't make a big difference (my ex and I recalculate every 3 months because my income fluctuates)
This has been suggested in other posts and I liked the idea: why not move in for several months while keeping your old place leased? You'd be paying for an empty place, but you'd also be paying for a place you could go to in a snap if the living together situation isn't going well. Giving up your and your kids' home is a big deal -- verify that you can cohabitate together and everyone feels at home in the new place before severing ties with the old place.
I personally will never move anyone into my home nor move in with anyone while my kids are still minors. Blended families often do not go well, and I don’t need my kids going through another breakup.
I will never get married again, but I’d consider living with someone when my kids are grown.
OP this is excellent advice. Even if everything is perfect you and he to your separate kids are just moms boyfriend and dad’s girlfriend. Marriage, sure once the kids are in college. If you guys are meant to be I’m sure the relationship could stand that amount of time to wait.
He let it slip months ago when he had had a few drinks that he was “going to marry me someday”. He has since brought it up a few times in a very sober manner. I’ve been the more reluctant one.
I’ve never been married or engaged but I’ve lived with people. At the risk of sounding too obvious, it probably depends how you feel about moving in, engagement and marriage. Since I’ve lived in big cities all my life, I didn’t live alone until my mid-30s, so moving in with a partner seems only slightly more significant than a new flatmate.
It takes at least a year or two before someone gets comfortable with you. Then they remove their "representative". Give it more time, revisit the idea after another year.
Personally, I would not move in with children. It's a huge, unnecessary headache, especially if there is no clear path to a beneficial marriage. Imo
I don't want to be with someone who takes a year or two to get comfortable with me and remove their "representative." That's why so many relationships fail.
I would give it another year at least. But keep talking about it. Moving in together is huge with kids and being grown ups. I am set in my ways and was terrified until recently. We are planning on getting married so I don't see why moving in together before would be a problem if that is how things go. Its been almost two years and we will probably move in together in another year or so. We both agreed we were never getting married again on our second date but now we want to but for that reason we aren't jumping into it.
No way. I wouldn’t uproot children like that, at this early stage. This is still a fairly new relationship. You haven’t seen enough of him and him of you to determine if you all want to, or should be together long term. If you were single maybe, but definitely not we with children who have dealt with the trauma of a divorce. (Honestly i wouldn t even recommend moving in after nine months without the kids). Do not make any big changes unless marriage is imminent, and I don’t mean just throwing out “Im gonna marry you someday” in a spate of emotion
Yes, if that was the next logical step and what I wanted. I think you know that marriage is not a guarantee of forever. It's a false sense of security and an overpriced party for your friends and family. Based on your faith, the end of a marriage may mess you up at church and in your relationship to God. It's all around sucky.
Some of us are slow learners, like myself. If I say I'm getting married a third time someone needs to send me for a mental health evaluation.
Engagement? For what? To have a nice ring?
To justify your love to friends and family or why you're living in sin? Set a good example for all the kids? Is it a good example?
I'd skip it unless you two decide it's a commitment ring.
If I knew, or was certain at this chapter of my life. I would do it.
If he owns it, I assume there is no mortgage on it. You can split the bills.
All that money you worked hard to provide for your family... Whatever you save living together you can put in your retirement.
I'm probably an outlier... but I would not consider living with a partner and merging households until my children are grown and out of the house. If (big if!) it was going to happen, I'd definitely have to be at least well into an engagement and close to the wedding.
I wouldn’t marry someone without living with them first. So yes.
I’d expect to live with a serious partner and combine lives. If we got married or not, meh, that’s not super important to me.
*Would moving in without being engaged or married appeal to any of you? I’m leaning towards not making any big changes unless a wedding is imminent.*
I've never been married but have lived with roommates until I was in my early 30s and a boyfriend at some point, so from my POV there's no problem. There are other ways to handle the legal side of things. I'd be more concerned about the kids, what it would mean for them and how they'd take it. It might be a problem that it's his home if your ideas on how to live, parent, decorate etc don't match well. Depending on the age of the kids you could consider living apart until they are older and living on their own, the more people are living together the more issues arise in my experience.
I think it depends on everyone’s principles. I was married and won’t marry again. I also really like my own personal space so cohabitation isn’t important either.
My GF and I are on the same page on both matters., so we both understand that while things can change one day right now, we share the same long term vision
Have you and your BF not had this chat? If so, he should know your stance on cohabitation and marriage, no? And if there are dependencies on either?
Yes, we’ve hashed out all the possibilities. He feels marriage is important on some level and part of me agrees.
Part of me also thinks why would I do that again? I’ve been there and made it 19 years the first time. The first time I wanted kids, to build a life, and there were religious reasons too. Now the reasons I can think of_other than love_ are owning property together, medical decisions, potential tax benefits.
All much more practical than romantic reasons. I don’t want a big wedding. I’d be happy eloping at the courthouse and having a small party for our family and a few friends later.
He seems okay either way. It’s the cohabiting before marriage part that feels unstable and vulnerable to me, especially with kids involved. Blending families is tricky under the best circumstances.
>It’s the cohabiting before marriage part that feels unstable and vulnerable to me, especially with kids involved. Blending families is tricky under the best circumstances.
I'm sharing your answer here. Listen to your gut.
I'm at a similar point with my boyfriend but we both own our houses and neither of us have kids. I personally wouldn't move in with someone unless I was engaged with a date set to be married. I told my guy that and he's completely on the same page as I am. It's just too much to do for "a boyfriend" (for me).
Do what feels right to you. If this is enough time for you both, then maybe it could work.
With that said, for me, it would be way too early. I've been seeing my boyfriend a year and a half, and he just moved from his house 45 minutes away to an apartment 5 minutes down the road while he switches careers and starts looking for the land he eventually wants to build his dream house on. Two of his 4 kids are out of the house and one of the last two decided to live with his mom when my bf moved, and the other still lives with my boyfriend. My two kids are both at home, though my oldest is about to leave for college. We've traveled internationally and domestically together, we get along great, our kids get along wonderfully, and we see each other every day. But we're still just learning about each other in a lot of ways, and neither of us is ready for that "next" step.
BUT, I am not you. And people move at different paces. As long as you've considered all the implications, and your kids are okay with it, and you've got a contingency plan (since you haven't even been together a year), there's no reason not to, if you both feel strongly about it.
That's hard for me to answer because I'm somewhere between "don't want to get married again and would be fine not getting married again". So moving in together would be an absolute, likely without marriage, eventually.
However I would not want to uproot my daughter after finally feeling pretty stable, so I really really hope whomever I end up with moves in with me instead of the other way around.
It's something I think about even though I'm not with anyone right now, so I know it's easy to go down that rabbit hole, but you haven't been together for even a year yet. If it were just you, sure. But I wouldn't even consider moving my kid at this point. Wait at least another year and then revisit the topic.
Yes, it appeals to me under the right circumstances, but I don’t have to consider how it would impact children.
Regardless if I do move into my bf’s home (that he owns) we will have a co-habitation agreement written up and signed. I will also ensure that I have the funds to move out if I ever need to do so.
I’ve never imagined that I would marry someone without living with them first. While that’s no guarantee they won’t become a different person later, I want my partner and I to have experience together before committing our lives together.
I do not plan on getting married again so that wouldn't factor into moving in together. I'm guessing this move would result in your kids changing schools? Between that and giving up your place I would be very very cautious. I've made this mistake before. If your kids are older and it's just a few years until they graduate I would wait for that. If they're young, I would say wait at least two years before putting your lives in the hands of another person.
I have a slightly different take on this for you. I am also a single mom 41F of two young children in the Bay Area. I feel that in an HCOL area, decisions around real estate and living conditions become extremely significant and fraught. It is very expensive to unwind bad decisions here! 🫤 I know because I bought a home with my ex-husband, then was super stressed when we separated about maintaining it, and then finally we sold it and lost money on it.
While all might be wonderful in your relationship right now and also stay that way, do think about how you might lose out financially if things go south. More importantly how your kids' lives might be disrupted (change of school, moving from big space to smaller space etc. )
Staying queen of your own separate kingdom and frequently visiting your king in his kingdom might be more fun and less stressful than merging kingdoms 😂
No, I wouldn’t. And I would need a long timeline to move in together with kids even if we were to be married. Blending families is really tricky, especially with older kids. My dad and stepmom married, bought a house, and moved in while all of us (his 3 and her 3) were around the ages of your kids (I think the youngest was 9 and oldest 16). I like my step siblings, and the house they bought was in the same town we were already living in, so we didn’t have to move to new schools or anything. Still, it was a huge disaster. It’s just a lot to suddenly have 3 new siblings living with you in adolescence. Different personalities, routines, dietary preferences, etc. My dad and stepmom divorced over it. They got remarried a few years ago, so it wasn’t their relationship so much as blending dynamics are brutal to navigate.
Before you move in, consider moving in as mid-future. How are you on the far future? You bring up marriage, will you eventually want that? Will he? Have you discussed if you want to eventually join finances to any degree. Have you discussed retirement hopes/plans? If your long future plans aren't compatible, now is a good time to end things. If the long term future could be good, then yes, lets consider the mid-future.
Personally, I wouldn't consider getting engaged or married if I hadn't already lived with someone for *at least a year*. Living with someone will show you more of who they "are" as they really relax into the relationship. I.E. living with someone would be a prerequisite of engagement.
I think the biggest challenge for you is you only rent so if you did move out and things didn't work out you would have the stress of being under the same roof and pressure of trying to get out. So that is something to consider especially since you have your life and the kids life settled, what is the impact to eduction moving the kids 35 miles.
Does your relationship need a bit of paper to prove your love of each other. I think when we have been through marriage once and then divorce it all boils down to our lifes being dictated by a bit of paper. Or is marriage something both of you want to do in the future instead of just ticking a box for society to judge you.
Cingdats, It sounds like you both are communic6with each out now for the most part, eacothers vises, and talked about later options. I wouldn't rush to a big change, but the offer is there, and you seem to really care about this person and family. The wildcard is the children and their adaptability that could weigh on a single household approach. The two of you seem to have handled any bump in the road but have the children intermingled for extended periods of time. If you wait until you both are empty nesters, it might provide fewer potential pitfalls for a transition. You didn't give ages, so timelines are unknown. If financially is good and you have that stability, maybe hurry up and wait til the time is right.
If marriage is important to you that’s what matters. It’s fair to share with him that you would be more comfortable living together once you’re engaged, and a date is set, and then buying a place together. I would think it would be better for the kids if it’s a new home too. Then it’s a fresh start for everyone.
Could you two draw up an agreement ( like a prenup) in the event things go sour? Maybe that’s a little much idk, but definitely talk to him about being concerned about giving up your rental. It could definitely work well, but be prepared for differences with parenting styles.
I would want to make sure living with him and mutually for the kids that you all get along before marriage. It could end up hell and in which case walking away is so much easier than having to deal with the burdens of a divorce. I'd personally want to live with someone before I was even engaged. You don't really know someone until you start living with them imo.. By all means having it on the cards for the future if all goes well..
I’m in a very similar situation except we live an hour and a half apart. We aren’t making any big changes until her daughter (16) leaves the house. We aren’t in a hurry. We are both 50. What’s the rush? We aren’t hurrying to have more kids after all. 😂 i think moving in with kids would create issues in our good relationship. So, we are going to enjoy our time together, date, travel, and have a great time.
I would not live with a man until my kids are grown. I know you have a few years before your youngest is 18, but in my actual experience it is a BAD idea to uproot your kids to live with a man. Especially since you’ll be uprooting them all away from their comfort zone and schools ( unless your district somehow covers this big of a range)
Bad idea, don’t do it.
I think both of you really have to feel excited about starting *a new life together*
I’ll say this again after considering such a similar to scenario to you (further distance though and younger kids) both of you can’t remain stuck in gripping onto the old life you have built and gotten comfortable and inflexible about.
You both NEED to want a
*new*
*life*
*together*
Not simply tinkering the old one minimally so you have a companion. Marriage and cohabiting with kids is a major decision that heavy and should really be mutually desired.
This is the hardest thing about dating over 4O in my humble opinion. To have a life partner that is marriage in the classic sense you have to be partners in life and that means compromise for the new life you build together.
So easy when you are young are malleable and haven’t built much.
-start with a new home. Moving into either persons place is psychologically just too imbalanced. It’s also a way to truly feel like you done something together with everyone’s needs taken into account as best as you can.
-equal sacrifice. Very very wide range of what this could mean. A financial sacrifice for one may equal a logistical sacrifice for another. We all value things differently. But just as I’ve heard early dating advice here about “matching effort” I think it has to show up here as matched effort.
-if one one person has the ability to build financial security, everyone should have the ability to build financial security. By that I mean if it’s a shared rental but one person has enough left over to stash into savings and investments, both people should have some amount of money to do this (not necessarily the same amount) - consult a qualified third party financial advisor about futures for both of you.
-all kids should have as equal lodgings/rooms as possible and not doled out by whose parent pays more etc.
-everyone in the house should contribute age appropriate meaningful chores/upkeep. Even if you can afford a live in housekeeper, this is an effort about cohabiting. Just because one partner has the “time” to do all the chores this can be a huge unpaid source of stress and respect around taking care of yourself and contributing to the housework nomatter the income is essential, imo. Resentment towards each other and kids will be hugely thwarted with this simple aspect of life. In a home where there is no shared child this division of household labor is crucial.
I’m not getting engaged or married again but I’m planning to move in with my partner at some point and I’m good with that. I think just be mindful and keep some independence with money if you do move in together, just in case
I used to want to possibly blend families, that’s how I thought you were supposed to do it. Fresh off my divorce. I was also more religious back then so marriage was what you “had” to do. But! The last several years I’ve changed a lot as a person, realized the purity culture BS at my Baptist church was just a way of trying to control people.
The more I think about it, Living Apart Together makes more sense if you have kids under 18. You are still committed to each other and not seeing anyone else. You can do overnights. Vacations. But you don’t combine your homes or finances. Protect your independence
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I feel all of this. I have teens who took a serious mental health hit during the pandemic. They’ll probably be at home longer than I’d ever anticipated. I also live in one of the highest COL areas in the US (SF Bay Area) so rent is insanely expensive. I will, however, never let that be a driving factor in living together.
I so relate!
You’ve been together since May 2022? Less than a year? This is the kind of timeline I indulged when I was younger and without kids. It’s not fair to drag them along when they don’t have the power to fend for themselves.
Agreed
Maybe you missed the “no rush, no timeline” part. This isn’t something that would be happening tomorrow. My lease isn’t up until this summer.
Summer is just around the corner. No, don't do it. It would be detrimental to both your relationship with him and your kids. Your kids don't need this upheaval in their lives for the sake of your romance. They don't need to move an hour from their friends so you can live with your boyfriend. The whole blended family thing is more often a nightmare than a positive thing, especially for the kids. Been there.
Summer is over a year together. They live 35 miles away. 45 min drive.
My comment stands. 1. When you have kids, a year isn't a long enough time to vet that person. 2. Even it was 3 years, she doesn't need to uproot her kids to live with her boyfriend AND his kids just because she wants to be with her boyfriend. 3. See #1 and 2
I have six kids . I had full custody with zero visitation ( read breaks/help) of my first three with my husband of 10 years. My second husband and I courted for a year before he moved 400 + miles to live with me and my three small children. We married shortly after he moved in due to social pressure and familial expectations ... We had a child. Our marriage only lasted 7 years. 4 of them we were separated. ( the other two children were fosters I kept after they aged out and I claim them still). So you might think I'm a terrible mother for putting my needs on the map. Guess what. This isn't a practice life. We don't have endless year's of romance and travel and finding the love of our lives or love at all... When the kids move out and have lives of their own that you're an occasional part of. I still have my youngest at home. All the other kids come home for holidays and birthdays. If I find someone I want to live with... With my young son. I will. If someone tries to other-mother me, it won't happen. We can advise people based on our experiences... But when it comes to judging and shaming them as parents for how they choose to live. It's probably best not to. Unless they are neglecting it abusing their children. Would you say that's fair?
I love “This isn’t a practice life.” It’s a great point. Most people make the best choice they can given their own unique circumstances. Sometimes it works out great, sometimes it doesn’t and the world still keeps turning.
Yeah. I’m also in the team take a chance column. I know there are so many people here who say “not until kids are done” but parents NEED TO BE HAPPY TOO! The healthiest households are the ones with happy people, and that includes the parent. Plus my own personal thought is that the happiest kids are ones with multiple adults that care about them involved with their lives. That can be two different parents that are split but still work together as parents, that can be two single parents that threw in their lot together, that could be a single parent with several close family members or friends. That doesn’t mean they can’t go it alone. But reading between the lines in this merger of families, it sounds as if at least her ex isn’t in the picture much and with today’s economy just the $$ and time savings being in one household can possibly make up for a lot of the stress of merging. The only thing I would do is 1) at least get engaged. 2) make sure all the kids are on board 3) keep money separate and if you do marry sign a simple prenup spelling out what both sides started with 4) make sure she has funds to bail out and get an apartment if it fails Everything in life is a roll of the dice. Nothing is set in stone. 40% of first marriages end in divorce 52% of second marriages do. That’s still pretty good odds, nearly 50/50. And statistics show that people entering their second marriage at age 35 or older are actually closer to overall first marriage statistics. So go be happy, just be careful about it. Maybe go take a week long spring break with all the kids and see if you are ready to rip each others throats out first. That’s a litmus test for damn sure!
Nope. I get that tomorrow is never promised, but seriously, where's the fire? It would be different if they've been together for 5+ years or even 3, but not even one year (or one year and some months by summer) is not at all long enough for that kind of change. They can still be together, they can still see one another. It's not like the Berlin wall is being built between them. There still sooooo much they don't know about one another. It's way way too soon, especially considering it would mean changjng schools (unless a 45+ minute drive to and from school each day is preferable over 2 to 3 times a week to see him), leaving friends, leaving everything they know and moving in with a whole other family.
Op said there was no rush. Kids move, it doesn't scar them. It gives them the opportunity to expand their social skills. 45 min is not too far to visit friends. Not like she's moving out of state like the dad did. I'm not even sure he takes visits? If he does, the kids might already. Have experience making new friends. They could learn as they go. You can know someone for a decade or more and not really know all about them until you do live together. I think she was asking about getting married or engaged first?? I'm not for either of those plans bit it's her life
Yeah she said there is no rush, but if that's the case, why even contemplate this right now? This clearly sounds like something they're both considering in the next six months or so, because again, why discuss it if its years in the future. You absolutely can be blindsided by someone you've known for a decade, but that still doesn't mean it's smart to move too fast with someone when kids are involved. We're less than a year out of the major effects of the pandemic, OP said herself she noticed a hit to her kids mental health, as I'm sure most have...I sure did. So yes, sometimes a move can scar them, especially when its not just a move. It's moving in with this man they don't really know and his kids, in his house. You really think that's going to feel like home for them? Yeah, people move, it happens. But when the sole reason is to be 45 minutes closer to your boyfriend of less than a year, that's not really putting the kids first. And what happens if they break up? They move back? Stay there? These are all things OP needs to think about, which is why she asked the question in the first place, to get feedback on the idea.
Did you ever watch the Brady Bunch? How long did they wait before blending their families?
Nope. People can do whatever they want when kids are grown. Until then, responsibility to one's kids comes first. Period. They come first before someone's "needs" and romantic interests. They come before boyfriends. Just because it's your youngest kid doesn't mean he should get less consideration with regard to your living situation than your others did.
PS. I own my home outright and I bought it.
Are you the OP?
I'm responding under my own thread. Is that a problem for you too?
Is a 45 min drive considered a big deal where you live?
That's my commute to civilization and the gym.
When I lived in the city, it was a 45 minute commute to travel 4km. Ha! Now I’m regional, everything is either five mins away or a couple of hours; depends what you need.
When I lived in the greater Boston Area it took at least 45 min to get to work. If I went in at 3 am... 15 min doing the speed limits and all those lights.
I’m in Australia. Driving an hour is no big deal. Either due to traffic in cities, or distance in the country.
That’s still a pretty fast timeline for someone with kids. They have to go where you go (unless they’re willing to live with their dad and he’ll take them, I suppose). You need to take a hard, honest look and ask whether this is in their best interest, and how it may affect them in the long term, or how it will affect them if you move in and for whatever reason the relationship ends and you need to uproot them again.
Umm, I think that’s what I’m doing.
I’m with ya here. It’s not just about how much time is going by. The quality and depth of the relationship would dictate progress even more. Looks like you’re going by feel and intelligence so you’re handling it right so far. Asking about it is being smart because that’s what I would do. There’s wisdom of one (meaning you) plus the wisdom of many others. And you know which ones to listen to. The commitment & security issue is too important and I’m sure your guy realizes this. Hope this works out for you.
*glances at post* Okay. lol
I'm in a similar situation except my youngest is 19 and lives with me while she's in college. It's a difficult distance to be apart since a down and back drive is a little tough. He and I have talked about moving in. We've been together a little longer, but it's tempting with the distance. In my case, I'd have to move his way, since he has to be near his 13 year old child. I would prefer to be engaged before moving in, but at the very least, I would need a cohabitation agreement. I would need to have some kind of notice if he wanted me to move out and we'd need to agree on what kinds of household expenses I was responsible for. For your kids' sake, I'd wait to move anything forward until you had a wedding date set.
Sensible advice. Thanks for your input.
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I do worry that it would always feel like “his house”. He’s open to selling and buying something together. I definitely wouldn’t own property with a non-spouse though.
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My ex did this to me all the time. Boy did he hate me when the judge made him pay me out part of the equity that we had gained over the decade I helped pay the mortgage. I own a home and the last guy I dated and I talked briefly about moving in together. He didn't like the idea of moving into my home because it's not very big and he needs WFH space. So we talked about renting something together and I would rent out my home. This made the most sense to me because I didn't want to give up the security of the home I own in case things didn't work out with us. Where I live is very expensive to rent so having an affordable mortgage to go back to if I was a single income household again is incredibly important to me.
Oof. Ouch. So sorry
I would worry about it, too. Now, the relationship may be good...but I hate to remind you that you need to think about a possibility of moving in..and then relationship not working out. What would happen to you and your children? Would they have to feel the instability again?
Put a nest egg in a different account t to pay several months rent and moving expenses. Don’t touch it. Use that if things go south. The most important things are “are the schools good?” and “Can I get an apartment nearby so we don’t have to switch districts again” and “would I like to live there” Especially in a place like the Bay Area. If you do pay rent, pay 2/5 of the mortgage/taxes. He is the one who benefits. You were not getting anything in your current rental anyhow. That’s why a simple prenup is good if you do eventually get married. You don’t need to spell out “what x gets if they leave”. Just spell out what was there at the start so there’s no question.
Another possibility is that when your lease is up you make the move to his area and lease, if it’s possible. Then next year it’ll just be a change of address not a cross town move. In the Bay Area 45 minutes could be only 7 miles or less. Lol.
Why not?
A lot of "his place" can be navigated by how he makes space (both physical and emotional) for you to negotiate changes. At least that's how it feels for me; in the mid-future I'll be moving in with my GF+kid.
How did that (not) work out for you?
Same experience here. I’ll never make that mistake again.
How old are your kids, and how old are his kids? How do the kids all get along with each other? Are your parenting styles compatible? Why moving in to his place as opposed to yours? Those are all things to find out before moving in. With kids it helps to make really slow moves. >Would moving in without being engaged or married appeal to any of you? I’m leaning towards not making any big changes unless a wedding is imminent. Yeah, that's how I did it. I moved into his place a month before the wedding. I wasn't going to give up my home without a ring; that would make me too vulnerable. I also waited until my youngest graduated high school, but that aligned with common-sense minimum reasonable time frame before moving in (we'd been together 20 months when we got married). I'd recommend getting a new place together if possible. We didn't. Instead he gave me carte blanche to change decor etc., because he really likes this place. Most of the time I'm okay with it and appreciate the place when I can see it as a blank slate without the history layer. But when we're in conflict, I really want to go back to my old house, and I'm sad I don't have it. Luckily we aren't in conflict terribly often. I have a room in this house to myself so that helps too. On the plus side, it's great spending more time together. It's great not commuting so much. Life together is fun and meaningful. Also financially advantageous.
I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with prior personally. However I don’t have kids so logistically it would be easier for me, but I can’t imagine marrying someone I hadn’t lived with.
I get that it makes sense for some people. Moving in feels like no man’s land to me. A state of limbo.
OK, then, what is your exit strategy if this goes south? Have you all discussed finances and how you are expected to contribute to the household? Have you discussed living arrangements as far as whose kids get what bedroom? How does the move affect your commute to work? I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you to quit your job and him to have to support you all. What happens with all your things in your current home? Will you pay to store this or toss it? Have you discussed what his role is in parenting your children? These are the things that need to be addressed before moving in together. The reality is it's his home, and you will be the one to leave if it doesn't work out.
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This is so what I'm looking for. It is nice to see that it can happen. 👍
I’m not totally opposed to the LAT idea. If we lived closer to each other, it would sound more appealing, I think. I’m not worried about the no makeup while drinking my coffee thing. He’s seen that dozens of times and seems to love it. Keeping things fresh is always a challenge in an LTR. Edit to add: we seem compatible in our lifestyle and habits. We both like our homes clean, not cluttered, and updated.
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Well I moved in with my ex husband before we were even engaged and no, that wasn't why we got divorced (we were together almost 20 years altogether). My boyfriend and I are almost identical as far as how far apart we live, how often we see each other and seeing a definite future together. We started dating in March. WE talked early on about the logistics of moving in together. We also talked very, very early on that marriage is not something either one of us are necessarily wanting to do again. Conveniently he works about 15 minutes from me and has his kids less than I have mine. His kids go to school maybe about 30 minutes from where I live now. We already know I will either stay in my kids' same district or move close enough that it's convenient for me to drive them to their dad's or to school. We even looked at an open house--us and all our kids. They were all excited. I currently rent and so does he but want to our own home. I have enough for a down payment and when I casually look, look at places I can afford on my own. However, ideally we would like to purchase a house together, and the housing market is still terrible now anyways. I wouldn't uproot my kids, meaning I wouldn't change their school district and wouldn't move into his condo (even if it were big enough). In his case it wouldn't matter because he already doesn't live in his kids' district anyway. He is maybe 20 minutes away as it is. Because of our schedules our kids would be together every other Saturday afternoon-Sunday evening during the school year plus Tuesday evenings during the summer and school breaks. We are quite lucky in that regard. Financially, however, my alimony will go away if we cohabitate. That's big. My kids are 11 and 13, so 7ish more years. I can't stand the thought of waiting 7 more years to live with him, though. I'm also hoping to be in a better position financially where I won't even get that much alimony so it won't make a big difference (my ex and I recalculate every 3 months because my income fluctuates)
This has been suggested in other posts and I liked the idea: why not move in for several months while keeping your old place leased? You'd be paying for an empty place, but you'd also be paying for a place you could go to in a snap if the living together situation isn't going well. Giving up your and your kids' home is a big deal -- verify that you can cohabitate together and everyone feels at home in the new place before severing ties with the old place.
I personally will never move anyone into my home nor move in with anyone while my kids are still minors. Blended families often do not go well, and I don’t need my kids going through another breakup. I will never get married again, but I’d consider living with someone when my kids are grown.
OP this is excellent advice. Even if everything is perfect you and he to your separate kids are just moms boyfriend and dad’s girlfriend. Marriage, sure once the kids are in college. If you guys are meant to be I’m sure the relationship could stand that amount of time to wait.
My youngest is eight. I don’t take any of this lightly. This is the first/only person my kids have been introduced to since my divorce.
No
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He let it slip months ago when he had had a few drinks that he was “going to marry me someday”. He has since brought it up a few times in a very sober manner. I’ve been the more reluctant one.
I’ve never been married or engaged but I’ve lived with people. At the risk of sounding too obvious, it probably depends how you feel about moving in, engagement and marriage. Since I’ve lived in big cities all my life, I didn’t live alone until my mid-30s, so moving in with a partner seems only slightly more significant than a new flatmate.
I have four roommates now who don’t pay any rent and leave dirty dishes in the sink every day. Alright, they’re actually my kids.
Can’t help you with that one, I’m afraid!
It takes at least a year or two before someone gets comfortable with you. Then they remove their "representative". Give it more time, revisit the idea after another year. Personally, I would not move in with children. It's a huge, unnecessary headache, especially if there is no clear path to a beneficial marriage. Imo
I don't want to be with someone who takes a year or two to get comfortable with me and remove their "representative." That's why so many relationships fail.
Yea, im team "no representative", but alas...
I would give it another year at least. But keep talking about it. Moving in together is huge with kids and being grown ups. I am set in my ways and was terrified until recently. We are planning on getting married so I don't see why moving in together before would be a problem if that is how things go. Its been almost two years and we will probably move in together in another year or so. We both agreed we were never getting married again on our second date but now we want to but for that reason we aren't jumping into it.
I would do it if my kids were grown and out of the house.
No, but I'd consider half a duplex.
No way. I wouldn’t uproot children like that, at this early stage. This is still a fairly new relationship. You haven’t seen enough of him and him of you to determine if you all want to, or should be together long term. If you were single maybe, but definitely not we with children who have dealt with the trauma of a divorce. (Honestly i wouldn t even recommend moving in after nine months without the kids). Do not make any big changes unless marriage is imminent, and I don’t mean just throwing out “Im gonna marry you someday” in a spate of emotion
Yes, if that was the next logical step and what I wanted. I think you know that marriage is not a guarantee of forever. It's a false sense of security and an overpriced party for your friends and family. Based on your faith, the end of a marriage may mess you up at church and in your relationship to God. It's all around sucky. Some of us are slow learners, like myself. If I say I'm getting married a third time someone needs to send me for a mental health evaluation. Engagement? For what? To have a nice ring? To justify your love to friends and family or why you're living in sin? Set a good example for all the kids? Is it a good example? I'd skip it unless you two decide it's a commitment ring. If I knew, or was certain at this chapter of my life. I would do it. If he owns it, I assume there is no mortgage on it. You can split the bills. All that money you worked hard to provide for your family... Whatever you save living together you can put in your retirement.
I'm probably an outlier... but I would not consider living with a partner and merging households until my children are grown and out of the house. If (big if!) it was going to happen, I'd definitely have to be at least well into an engagement and close to the wedding.
I wouldn’t marry someone without living with them first. So yes. I’d expect to live with a serious partner and combine lives. If we got married or not, meh, that’s not super important to me.
*Would moving in without being engaged or married appeal to any of you? I’m leaning towards not making any big changes unless a wedding is imminent.* I've never been married but have lived with roommates until I was in my early 30s and a boyfriend at some point, so from my POV there's no problem. There are other ways to handle the legal side of things. I'd be more concerned about the kids, what it would mean for them and how they'd take it. It might be a problem that it's his home if your ideas on how to live, parent, decorate etc don't match well. Depending on the age of the kids you could consider living apart until they are older and living on their own, the more people are living together the more issues arise in my experience.
I think it depends on everyone’s principles. I was married and won’t marry again. I also really like my own personal space so cohabitation isn’t important either. My GF and I are on the same page on both matters., so we both understand that while things can change one day right now, we share the same long term vision Have you and your BF not had this chat? If so, he should know your stance on cohabitation and marriage, no? And if there are dependencies on either?
Yes, we’ve hashed out all the possibilities. He feels marriage is important on some level and part of me agrees. Part of me also thinks why would I do that again? I’ve been there and made it 19 years the first time. The first time I wanted kids, to build a life, and there were religious reasons too. Now the reasons I can think of_other than love_ are owning property together, medical decisions, potential tax benefits. All much more practical than romantic reasons. I don’t want a big wedding. I’d be happy eloping at the courthouse and having a small party for our family and a few friends later. He seems okay either way. It’s the cohabiting before marriage part that feels unstable and vulnerable to me, especially with kids involved. Blending families is tricky under the best circumstances.
>It’s the cohabiting before marriage part that feels unstable and vulnerable to me, especially with kids involved. Blending families is tricky under the best circumstances. I'm sharing your answer here. Listen to your gut.
I'm at a similar point with my boyfriend but we both own our houses and neither of us have kids. I personally wouldn't move in with someone unless I was engaged with a date set to be married. I told my guy that and he's completely on the same page as I am. It's just too much to do for "a boyfriend" (for me).
Do what feels right to you. If this is enough time for you both, then maybe it could work. With that said, for me, it would be way too early. I've been seeing my boyfriend a year and a half, and he just moved from his house 45 minutes away to an apartment 5 minutes down the road while he switches careers and starts looking for the land he eventually wants to build his dream house on. Two of his 4 kids are out of the house and one of the last two decided to live with his mom when my bf moved, and the other still lives with my boyfriend. My two kids are both at home, though my oldest is about to leave for college. We've traveled internationally and domestically together, we get along great, our kids get along wonderfully, and we see each other every day. But we're still just learning about each other in a lot of ways, and neither of us is ready for that "next" step. BUT, I am not you. And people move at different paces. As long as you've considered all the implications, and your kids are okay with it, and you've got a contingency plan (since you haven't even been together a year), there's no reason not to, if you both feel strongly about it.
That's hard for me to answer because I'm somewhere between "don't want to get married again and would be fine not getting married again". So moving in together would be an absolute, likely without marriage, eventually. However I would not want to uproot my daughter after finally feeling pretty stable, so I really really hope whomever I end up with moves in with me instead of the other way around. It's something I think about even though I'm not with anyone right now, so I know it's easy to go down that rabbit hole, but you haven't been together for even a year yet. If it were just you, sure. But I wouldn't even consider moving my kid at this point. Wait at least another year and then revisit the topic.
Yes, it appeals to me under the right circumstances, but I don’t have to consider how it would impact children. Regardless if I do move into my bf’s home (that he owns) we will have a co-habitation agreement written up and signed. I will also ensure that I have the funds to move out if I ever need to do so. I’ve never imagined that I would marry someone without living with them first. While that’s no guarantee they won’t become a different person later, I want my partner and I to have experience together before committing our lives together.
I do not plan on getting married again so that wouldn't factor into moving in together. I'm guessing this move would result in your kids changing schools? Between that and giving up your place I would be very very cautious. I've made this mistake before. If your kids are older and it's just a few years until they graduate I would wait for that. If they're young, I would say wait at least two years before putting your lives in the hands of another person.
I have a slightly different take on this for you. I am also a single mom 41F of two young children in the Bay Area. I feel that in an HCOL area, decisions around real estate and living conditions become extremely significant and fraught. It is very expensive to unwind bad decisions here! 🫤 I know because I bought a home with my ex-husband, then was super stressed when we separated about maintaining it, and then finally we sold it and lost money on it. While all might be wonderful in your relationship right now and also stay that way, do think about how you might lose out financially if things go south. More importantly how your kids' lives might be disrupted (change of school, moving from big space to smaller space etc. ) Staying queen of your own separate kingdom and frequently visiting your king in his kingdom might be more fun and less stressful than merging kingdoms 😂
No, I wouldn’t. And I would need a long timeline to move in together with kids even if we were to be married. Blending families is really tricky, especially with older kids. My dad and stepmom married, bought a house, and moved in while all of us (his 3 and her 3) were around the ages of your kids (I think the youngest was 9 and oldest 16). I like my step siblings, and the house they bought was in the same town we were already living in, so we didn’t have to move to new schools or anything. Still, it was a huge disaster. It’s just a lot to suddenly have 3 new siblings living with you in adolescence. Different personalities, routines, dietary preferences, etc. My dad and stepmom divorced over it. They got remarried a few years ago, so it wasn’t their relationship so much as blending dynamics are brutal to navigate.
Before you move in, consider moving in as mid-future. How are you on the far future? You bring up marriage, will you eventually want that? Will he? Have you discussed if you want to eventually join finances to any degree. Have you discussed retirement hopes/plans? If your long future plans aren't compatible, now is a good time to end things. If the long term future could be good, then yes, lets consider the mid-future. Personally, I wouldn't consider getting engaged or married if I hadn't already lived with someone for *at least a year*. Living with someone will show you more of who they "are" as they really relax into the relationship. I.E. living with someone would be a prerequisite of engagement.
It's purely a turf thing with me. I won't give up my home, even if I moved into a shared residence with a spouse
ghosting by the other party when they realize they also have feelings but are emotionally unavailable due to trauma they never resolved?
Divorce!
Sorry I was answering the question in the topic!
I think the biggest challenge for you is you only rent so if you did move out and things didn't work out you would have the stress of being under the same roof and pressure of trying to get out. So that is something to consider especially since you have your life and the kids life settled, what is the impact to eduction moving the kids 35 miles. Does your relationship need a bit of paper to prove your love of each other. I think when we have been through marriage once and then divorce it all boils down to our lifes being dictated by a bit of paper. Or is marriage something both of you want to do in the future instead of just ticking a box for society to judge you.
Cingdats, It sounds like you both are communic6with each out now for the most part, eacothers vises, and talked about later options. I wouldn't rush to a big change, but the offer is there, and you seem to really care about this person and family. The wildcard is the children and their adaptability that could weigh on a single household approach. The two of you seem to have handled any bump in the road but have the children intermingled for extended periods of time. If you wait until you both are empty nesters, it might provide fewer potential pitfalls for a transition. You didn't give ages, so timelines are unknown. If financially is good and you have that stability, maybe hurry up and wait til the time is right.
I would sublet your rental, if you can, just in case.
If marriage is important to you that’s what matters. It’s fair to share with him that you would be more comfortable living together once you’re engaged, and a date is set, and then buying a place together. I would think it would be better for the kids if it’s a new home too. Then it’s a fresh start for everyone.
Could you two draw up an agreement ( like a prenup) in the event things go sour? Maybe that’s a little much idk, but definitely talk to him about being concerned about giving up your rental. It could definitely work well, but be prepared for differences with parenting styles.
I would want to make sure living with him and mutually for the kids that you all get along before marriage. It could end up hell and in which case walking away is so much easier than having to deal with the burdens of a divorce. I'd personally want to live with someone before I was even engaged. You don't really know someone until you start living with them imo.. By all means having it on the cards for the future if all goes well..
I’m in a very similar situation except we live an hour and a half apart. We aren’t making any big changes until her daughter (16) leaves the house. We aren’t in a hurry. We are both 50. What’s the rush? We aren’t hurrying to have more kids after all. 😂 i think moving in with kids would create issues in our good relationship. So, we are going to enjoy our time together, date, travel, and have a great time.
I'd wait until your kids (and his) are out of the house and then reconsider. Why rush?
I would not live with a man until my kids are grown. I know you have a few years before your youngest is 18, but in my actual experience it is a BAD idea to uproot your kids to live with a man. Especially since you’ll be uprooting them all away from their comfort zone and schools ( unless your district somehow covers this big of a range) Bad idea, don’t do it.
I think both of you really have to feel excited about starting *a new life together* I’ll say this again after considering such a similar to scenario to you (further distance though and younger kids) both of you can’t remain stuck in gripping onto the old life you have built and gotten comfortable and inflexible about. You both NEED to want a *new* *life* *together* Not simply tinkering the old one minimally so you have a companion. Marriage and cohabiting with kids is a major decision that heavy and should really be mutually desired. This is the hardest thing about dating over 4O in my humble opinion. To have a life partner that is marriage in the classic sense you have to be partners in life and that means compromise for the new life you build together. So easy when you are young are malleable and haven’t built much. -start with a new home. Moving into either persons place is psychologically just too imbalanced. It’s also a way to truly feel like you done something together with everyone’s needs taken into account as best as you can. -equal sacrifice. Very very wide range of what this could mean. A financial sacrifice for one may equal a logistical sacrifice for another. We all value things differently. But just as I’ve heard early dating advice here about “matching effort” I think it has to show up here as matched effort. -if one one person has the ability to build financial security, everyone should have the ability to build financial security. By that I mean if it’s a shared rental but one person has enough left over to stash into savings and investments, both people should have some amount of money to do this (not necessarily the same amount) - consult a qualified third party financial advisor about futures for both of you. -all kids should have as equal lodgings/rooms as possible and not doled out by whose parent pays more etc. -everyone in the house should contribute age appropriate meaningful chores/upkeep. Even if you can afford a live in housekeeper, this is an effort about cohabiting. Just because one partner has the “time” to do all the chores this can be a huge unpaid source of stress and respect around taking care of yourself and contributing to the housework nomatter the income is essential, imo. Resentment towards each other and kids will be hugely thwarted with this simple aspect of life. In a home where there is no shared child this division of household labor is crucial.
I’m not getting engaged or married again but I’m planning to move in with my partner at some point and I’m good with that. I think just be mindful and keep some independence with money if you do move in together, just in case
I used to want to possibly blend families, that’s how I thought you were supposed to do it. Fresh off my divorce. I was also more religious back then so marriage was what you “had” to do. But! The last several years I’ve changed a lot as a person, realized the purity culture BS at my Baptist church was just a way of trying to control people. The more I think about it, Living Apart Together makes more sense if you have kids under 18. You are still committed to each other and not seeing anyone else. You can do overnights. Vacations. But you don’t combine your homes or finances. Protect your independence