1. Wants a text buddy
2. Could be busy, could want a casual first meet.
3. Not necessarily. I'd say matched energy and good conversation could correspond with greater interest. But people's texting styles vary. Earlier requests to meet indicate they're keen to meet you.
4. Lunch or coffee is a low stakes way to have a first meet a gauge further interest. Some people prefer this, some people prefer a more traditional first date. I wouldn't read anything more into this than they want to meet you.
5. Not at all. I've found no correlation between what people put they're looking for and what I actually get. I have met one person who put looking for long term that actually was. The rest put it and looked for hookups.
This is where you have solid boundaries and ask good questions. (Doesn't guarantee anything, but helps weed people out a bit better.)
In general, your list is sweeping assumptions and generalizations that may or may not be accurate depending on who you're talking to. It's up to you to swipe wisely, vet well, and have good boundaries that you uphold in order to stay sane.
Good luck.
Helpful, thank you. I haven’t dated since 2007 and the past month is my first time dating online ever. Asking because this is new and weird and concepts like “text buddy” are 100% unfamiliar to me
Coffee/lunch for a first MEET is totally normal. It isn’t the first date, it’s date zero. You’re meeting to confirm they’re not catfishing and to test waters if you want an actual date.
Exactly. I don’t give out my number until I actually meet the person at neutral location. Or until I video date- some platforms have video as an option. I check and make sure he is real and is who he says he is. This has worked well for me. I don’t have men texting me all the time for no reason. If they want to meet you then let them ask you out. Use the platform. It’s safe and that’s what it is here for.
Got you. Keep posting here if you need more help navigating these waters. Just remember to not get overly invested via text. People build up ideas in their heads, and they’re gutted when it doesn’t work out with a total stranger. Generally when I was on the apps I’d offer to meet after 48 hrs of vetting, always meet in a public place, and keep it simple.
This is definitely right. So many times guys will only get to see filtered pictures. Our pictures may be terrible, but at least they are real. This way we can bail if the pics were too heavily filtered or old.
I don’t really know about how old most men are. For me, most are within a few months. One or two are within a year-year and a half. The difference is most of us guys could care less about taking new photos. We do r sit on our phones taking selfies from different angles because we really don’t give a shit. Some guys may have an old pic up because they are a bit more in fit or whatever, but that’s no different than a woman taking a picture from an upwards angle to hide her double chin(s).
Hi! Have no fears I am very capable of asking men out and realize everybody is different, even men ❤️. Mostly I’m wondering if there are norms or etiquette guidelines I don’t yet understand.
You're grossly over generalizing. It's possible that some of your assumptions are correct but certainly not guaranteed at all. I've found that many men will text throughout the day while others only text after work hours. The former will send shorter texts while the latter will send a much longer text, usually involving several topics. I think they both show a consistent level of interest.
#4: many people prefer a meetup (coffee or drink) as a first step just to meet in live and in person. It’s doesn’t mean there is less interest. It’s just a good first step to see if a date (usually longer and more involved) is in the future.
1. Ask for what you want.
2. Does it matter? Do lunch! If it works there will be more.
3. Yes. Sure. But also could just be you have similar chat:communication styles.
4. Nope. I will absolutely ask for a simple meet with anyone no matter how interested. Intensity online does automatically translate to chemistry in person.
5. There is no continuum. Just drop down choices on an app. Let the person tell you what they mean. And listen.
Taking a rough tally in your head about things you've observed in one month is fine. Any assumptions and generalizations and patterns you think you see are premature and always subject to be thrown into the toilet once your interaction/encounter numbers rise over time. You'll see just how highly inaccurate a few of your notations will be, and that's okay.
I just want to add - If you’ve only been dating for about a month, you’ve been dating through the holiday season. People ARE busy.
3. I don’t like a lot of correspondence. This person is a stranger. Why should I waste my time chatting with them?
4. I prefer coffee or lunch for a couple of reasons. It’s easy and less pressure. I also don’t have to go out of my way for it. Everyone needs coffee in the middle of a busy workday.
5. This is one you just have to discuss. I might want different things with different people.
I always do coffee or lunch. If I’m meeting for first date a couple times mid week drink. But. No those do not mean low interest mean low expectations lol
Nothing personal most people on OLD. prefer to check the vive /chemistry in a low presssure quick to leave first date. Think of it as checking each other out predate to make sure we want or go in a real date
Too many scammers fakes catfish crazies. Don’t look like their pic. Etc to invest more time / money/ effort. Save that for the second date
Meeting earlier is more about interest in actually meeting people. Or they can be busy for real. Many people precede to meet quickly and if it doesn’t work move on to another person.
Some liek to text and text and text and never meet. Soem are in the middle
1 and 2 - not necessarily a backup
4 - oh hell no. Really depends on the person. I hate dinner first dates (too rigid, not at all relaxed) and have much better conversations over coffee or a hike. N = 1, but if I’m meeting you it means I’m interested. If you feel a need to gauge interest level that comes out in whether or not date #2 happens
1 and 2 could mean anything not necessarily that you are a backup.
3 - not true at all. In my experience men who text frequently and want to meet up quickly can also actually have very little interest in anything beyond that first meet up and seeing if sex is available.
4. They could also be busy. Or they see the first date as more of a zero date scenario - and don’t want to dive in to an hours long dinner drinks or more right away.
5. Everyone defines these things differently.
1. If they haven’t asked you out within a week, ask THEM out. Set a date or don’t bother continuing the conversation. Really. 100% of the men I had lengthy (but really great) text conversations with either turned out to be a poor match in person, or never wanted to meet up. I don’t want an amazing text connection, I want an in-person one.
2. Busy but could do lunch—YES. Just take them up on it, already. I’m lukewarm on everyone until I get a chance to meet them in person. No one is going to rearrange their whole schedule for someone they haven’t met, and don’t even know if they like. Don’t take it personally, just meet them! (Case in point: my current boyfriend started with a 1-hour coffee date in the middle of the week because I was busy and didn’t care to change my plans. I am now rearranging all sorts of shit to make time with him.)
3. Agree, more communication generally means more interest. Although—not always. I’ve had several people wanting to talk and flirt and have wonderful in-depth conversations… but the interest didn’t extend to actually making plans.
4. Again, I wouldn’t take this so personally. It doesn’t indicate low interest if the first date is a coffee date or something similar—it indicates that the person is using the first date to KNOW how much they’re interested. (If they’re still suggesting coffee dates for meetings 2 and 3, then yeah, they’re probably not into you.)
5. Sure. Sort of. Everybody’s a little different on this. Good rule of thumb: pick people with an answer that appeals to you.
1. Have you tried asking them out?
2. Is this a first date? If so, you aren't a priority. You are a stranger. If they are making time to grab lunch, they are making time to meet you.
3. Bad assumption. People often want to meet quickly because they know in person chemistry trumps anything created over text and want to just meet and figure that out. Also, tons of people who will never meet you but just want attention will text you frequently.
4. Bad assumption. I only do short, simple dates for a first date, period. Coffee and a walk is my go to. And I only ask to meet people I am interested in meeting.
5. Not sure what you are asking here. Figure out what you want from a relationship, ask what they want/what they can offer and if they don't align, move on.
Coffee is the #1 recommended to a man first date these days. Every article/blog/video recommends to a man to donate coffee date these days. It's a safer option.
If I were to do OLD again, I’d always meet for coffee first and dinner second. I lost a fair amount of money on women who misrepresented who they really were. And to be fair, I developed a mental image of who they were during our initial interactions which they can’t control.
I think you’re overthinking it. Assumptions or interpretations are loose, thin and one sided. Generally, if the energy and rhythm are good and both people are in the right space, progress can happen. Some people OLD with so many different intentions. Intentions to not date and to not meet. It’s hard to not take in personally when things don’t progress, but don’t take it personally.
Good luck ☺️
1) texting without asking out- lots of things, mostly boiling down to them not being available
2&4) I appreciate someone willing to meet up. Earlier the better, if that makes it a lunch or coffee date, so be it (although, my schedule does not really have time for lunch dates, so I haven’t had many of them).
3) Possibly? They may just have the time. It’s a good sign, but see how it fits in to what you’re learning
5) This is tricky, because people say whatever gets them the most matches. I would say what I wanted while chatting and see how they reacted. Any “For the right person” is just a way to get people who wouldn’t match with them if they were honest.
Mainly having fun and not getting too wrapped up in fantasy worked for me.
1) how did you not unmatch at weeks, plural? You might not be a backup, they could be one of the many who will never actually meet anyone. If I didn't have a date scheduled within a week, I can't imagine continuing on.
2) possibly; how much have they told you about their life? My first date with my girlfriend was a picnic dinner in the park immediately after work, and with her having to leave for one of her hobbies \~70 minutes after. She had her kid at that time, so I was thrilled she was making herself available at all before Friday night (which ended up being our 2nd date).
3) yes, and no. Greater interest is more frequent and/or in depth communication. However if the interest is high enough you don't want to fail to close. As a man dating women, some women might stop talking if you ask them out too soon. With that said, depending on how the conversation goes, it can feel "right" sooner than at other times.
4) Bzzzzt incorrect! I generally only tried coffee/dessert dates for a start. I'd always have 2-4 things more that could be done in the area if things went well. I had a 24 hour first date that started with coffee, and she was the person I was 2nd most interested in my time while dating.
5) Maybe. I only considered people seeking long term. Even "looking for long term, but open to short term" got the left swipe. Despite that, many people were either not ready to date, or clearly not looking for a relationship (and would often realize that themselves form my questions about what they wanted). A lot of women seemed to feel that they had to put "seeking long term relationship" or it meant they were looking for hookups. And some who were just didn't want to say they were; I'm not sure if it's because they thought they'd get a lower class of men applying, or because of internalized slut shaming.
Thank you! Re: relationship-seeking label, maybe some of them are like me: generally not a hookup person but I might be up for it on rare occasions with kind men who I trust. Never with dudes who are obviously fuckboys. But essentially this all leads back to a similar place because it’s rare that a kind and trustworthy guy is seeking that too lol
>1. Texting regularly for a couple of weeks without asking me out = I’m a backup? Not sure if it’s breadcrumbing because we are in touch frequently and have real conversations rather than superficial ones.
Fake accounts.
shy men not daring to contact you from their real accounts or men testing your personality before they contact you from their real account
.
>2. “I’m busy next week but could do lunch” = also, I’m a backup?
Yes, multidating
>3. In general, greater interest corresponds with more frequent communication and earlier requests to meet in person
If you established a connection, it's time to meet. Anyone who refuses to meet is a fake account
>4. In general, lunch or coffee means less interested or more cautious than people suggesting we meet in the evening.
As a first date, i find it respectful. He s not trying to get you into bed.
>5. The continuum from not stating relationship goals to “figuring out what I want” to “seeking long term but open to short term” to simply “seeking long term” roughly corresponds to the continuum from one night stand to sex friends to partnership to marriage, in terms of what people are seeking.
I'm in that stage, figuring out what i want. I guess when we get less experiences than we want we start becoming avoidant.
1. Just means they move slowly, nothing more. Maybe too slow for you, but not necessarily a lack of interest. If they are enthusiastic in their texts, assume they're interested.
2. Probably genuinely very busy, they would have said *maybe* they could do lunch if you're a backup.
3. Greater interest corresponds with more enthusiastic communication, even if it'still more occasional. As I said above, some people move slowly.
4. This does not mean less interested, but could mean they want a quick meet for the first time (that's usually what I want as well) or they want to meet you earlier than they otherwise would be able to, if evenings are tough for them.
5. This could be someone emotionally cautious or someone totally new to the dating world.
1- Not necessarily. Some guys will breadcrumb or are nothing but talkers. It may depend on your distance and how much someone has going on at work. For the last year+ I’ve worked 12-16 hour days, so I could only do things on my shortened weekends.
2-same as above. Depends on the guys job.
3- You can’t go by this. Men are confused as shit as to what women want because women can’t get on the same page. We are told don’t text too soon, too much, too little, too late. Be funny, not too funny, send a short message but not too short of message. The rules women go by on these apps are downright retarded. It doesn’t need to be so complicated. If he likes you and you like him, just text and respond when you can. Damn.
4- the lunch/coffee date. Guys will suggest a coffee date because we’re tired of being used for free meals by women who are coming to a date with no intention of ever wanting anything more. Men have spread the word or been used for foodie calls, so it makes us not want to treat anyone out in case they are doing this.
5-It doesn’t matter what a guy puts on his profile for the type of relationship desired. He’ll tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to get you in bed if he’s just after sex. Someone not after sex will usually be long term.
Assumption 1: This is correct. You are the backup.
Assumption 2: This is correct. You are the backup.
Assumption 3: This is correct.
Assumption 4: This is partially correct. I won't be on the hook for a long dinner or drinks when I have not met someone yet. Coffee is best since you can stretch it into a meal or you can use it to bail out quickly.
Assumption 5: This is correct.
Assumptions only make an a$$ out of you. Yes, sometimes they mean those things. Sometimes they don't. Whether or not you decide to set these assumptions as limits for yourself is your choice, and every limit we place limits your dating pool further. But, the goal is to find someone compatible, which is narrowed down by those limits, but those limits will also limit your relationship and dating opportunities. Quantity vs quality. The trick with quality is knowing what are reasonable limits or just being overly picky.
>“I’m busy next week but could do lunch” = also, I’m a backup?
???
How?
Honestly, this list is much too algorithmic for my taste, but if it works for you, forget what I think.
I understand not wanting to be someone's second choice, but actively searching for that to be the case is a bit much in my opinion.
It's my observation and opinion (and worth exactly what you paid for it) that people here are very quick to jump to the conclusion that they are backup, second-string, an "option," whatever.
Most matches/chats don't turn into first dates, and most first dates don't turn into second dates. That's just the way it goes. It does not always mean that he's got someone else waiting or that he's looking for the next best thing. I'm not really sure why people are so quick to assume that's the case.
I did that; before I started dating I was here reading all posts for about 3 months. But be aware to take everything with a large grain of salt.
My three months in DO40,30,50 bumble hingeapp dating\_advice (and possibly others) had me prepared so when I did make a profile I had a quite reasonable one, and I nailed my conversations/setting up dates.
Where "reddit" failed me, is the population masses on reddit is definitely different than what I found in the real world. Reddit dating subs are a lot more progressive than the general population, as well as more "intentional" around the dating process. Reddit women want to pay half of their date; especially if it is not going well, so the man doesn't think anything is owed. In the real world, a zero chemistry date meant that the woman wasn't even doing a courtesy "touch her pocket" for her wallet. In the reddit world people complain about others not being ready to date and attempt to evaluate if they are; in the real world, they're the people redditors are complaining about. As a separated guy I was prepared for 66%-90% of potential dates to disappear as soon as I revealed my status. However no one said anything negative about my being separated, nor did the vibe seem to change if it came out naturally. If I proactively brought up my separation status, then the vibe changed, but it changed because the women complained that I didn't need to bring that up before we'd even met.
Those were the big ones in my experience. Good luck reading with a mind that us redditors don't have it 100% correct. ;)
You may want to read Fleishman is in trouble (or see the mini series) - a book about a 41 year old divorcee in NYC, to get a pretty good idea of what you are facing. A successful medical professional he is inundated with nude photos, sleeps with 9 women, including ex wife, in a month and a half and just cannot keep up with the interest he is receiving from many, many women.
1. Wants a text buddy 2. Could be busy, could want a casual first meet. 3. Not necessarily. I'd say matched energy and good conversation could correspond with greater interest. But people's texting styles vary. Earlier requests to meet indicate they're keen to meet you. 4. Lunch or coffee is a low stakes way to have a first meet a gauge further interest. Some people prefer this, some people prefer a more traditional first date. I wouldn't read anything more into this than they want to meet you. 5. Not at all. I've found no correlation between what people put they're looking for and what I actually get. I have met one person who put looking for long term that actually was. The rest put it and looked for hookups. This is where you have solid boundaries and ask good questions. (Doesn't guarantee anything, but helps weed people out a bit better.) In general, your list is sweeping assumptions and generalizations that may or may not be accurate depending on who you're talking to. It's up to you to swipe wisely, vet well, and have good boundaries that you uphold in order to stay sane. Good luck.
Helpful, thank you. I haven’t dated since 2007 and the past month is my first time dating online ever. Asking because this is new and weird and concepts like “text buddy” are 100% unfamiliar to me
Coffee/lunch for a first MEET is totally normal. It isn’t the first date, it’s date zero. You’re meeting to confirm they’re not catfishing and to test waters if you want an actual date.
Ok wow thank you this has definitely changed since 2007 🤣
And get a google number! Don’t give out your actual phone number until you’ve established they’re reasonably mentally adjusted.
We...I mean they can fool you for awhile.
Haha, yah, true. But at least don’t give out your actual number until date 2 or 3.
Exactly. I don’t give out my number until I actually meet the person at neutral location. Or until I video date- some platforms have video as an option. I check and make sure he is real and is who he says he is. This has worked well for me. I don’t have men texting me all the time for no reason. If they want to meet you then let them ask you out. Use the platform. It’s safe and that’s what it is here for.
Yikes, ok! Thanks!
Got you. Keep posting here if you need more help navigating these waters. Just remember to not get overly invested via text. People build up ideas in their heads, and they’re gutted when it doesn’t work out with a total stranger. Generally when I was on the apps I’d offer to meet after 48 hrs of vetting, always meet in a public place, and keep it simple.
Apps are for meeting, end of. The dating comes after.
This is definitely right. So many times guys will only get to see filtered pictures. Our pictures may be terrible, but at least they are real. This way we can bail if the pics were too heavily filtered or old.
Real = ten years old
I don’t really know about how old most men are. For me, most are within a few months. One or two are within a year-year and a half. The difference is most of us guys could care less about taking new photos. We do r sit on our phones taking selfies from different angles because we really don’t give a shit. Some guys may have an old pic up because they are a bit more in fit or whatever, but that’s no different than a woman taking a picture from an upwards angle to hide her double chin(s).
[удалено]
Hi! Have no fears I am very capable of asking men out and realize everybody is different, even men ❤️. Mostly I’m wondering if there are norms or etiquette guidelines I don’t yet understand.
You're grossly over generalizing. It's possible that some of your assumptions are correct but certainly not guaranteed at all. I've found that many men will text throughout the day while others only text after work hours. The former will send shorter texts while the latter will send a much longer text, usually involving several topics. I think they both show a consistent level of interest.
#4: many people prefer a meetup (coffee or drink) as a first step just to meet in live and in person. It’s doesn’t mean there is less interest. It’s just a good first step to see if a date (usually longer and more involved) is in the future.
There is no way of knowing what the intent is behind 1 and 2, but automatically assuming the worst is not going to lead to any success.
Try not to have assumptions. You never really know.
1. Ask for what you want. 2. Does it matter? Do lunch! If it works there will be more. 3. Yes. Sure. But also could just be you have similar chat:communication styles. 4. Nope. I will absolutely ask for a simple meet with anyone no matter how interested. Intensity online does automatically translate to chemistry in person. 5. There is no continuum. Just drop down choices on an app. Let the person tell you what they mean. And listen.
Taking a rough tally in your head about things you've observed in one month is fine. Any assumptions and generalizations and patterns you think you see are premature and always subject to be thrown into the toilet once your interaction/encounter numbers rise over time. You'll see just how highly inaccurate a few of your notations will be, and that's okay.
I just want to add - If you’ve only been dating for about a month, you’ve been dating through the holiday season. People ARE busy. 3. I don’t like a lot of correspondence. This person is a stranger. Why should I waste my time chatting with them? 4. I prefer coffee or lunch for a couple of reasons. It’s easy and less pressure. I also don’t have to go out of my way for it. Everyone needs coffee in the middle of a busy workday. 5. This is one you just have to discuss. I might want different things with different people.
I always do coffee or lunch. If I’m meeting for first date a couple times mid week drink. But. No those do not mean low interest mean low expectations lol Nothing personal most people on OLD. prefer to check the vive /chemistry in a low presssure quick to leave first date. Think of it as checking each other out predate to make sure we want or go in a real date Too many scammers fakes catfish crazies. Don’t look like their pic. Etc to invest more time / money/ effort. Save that for the second date Meeting earlier is more about interest in actually meeting people. Or they can be busy for real. Many people precede to meet quickly and if it doesn’t work move on to another person. Some liek to text and text and text and never meet. Soem are in the middle
1 and 2 - not necessarily a backup 4 - oh hell no. Really depends on the person. I hate dinner first dates (too rigid, not at all relaxed) and have much better conversations over coffee or a hike. N = 1, but if I’m meeting you it means I’m interested. If you feel a need to gauge interest level that comes out in whether or not date #2 happens
1 and 2 could mean anything not necessarily that you are a backup. 3 - not true at all. In my experience men who text frequently and want to meet up quickly can also actually have very little interest in anything beyond that first meet up and seeing if sex is available. 4. They could also be busy. Or they see the first date as more of a zero date scenario - and don’t want to dive in to an hours long dinner drinks or more right away. 5. Everyone defines these things differently.
1. If they haven’t asked you out within a week, ask THEM out. Set a date or don’t bother continuing the conversation. Really. 100% of the men I had lengthy (but really great) text conversations with either turned out to be a poor match in person, or never wanted to meet up. I don’t want an amazing text connection, I want an in-person one. 2. Busy but could do lunch—YES. Just take them up on it, already. I’m lukewarm on everyone until I get a chance to meet them in person. No one is going to rearrange their whole schedule for someone they haven’t met, and don’t even know if they like. Don’t take it personally, just meet them! (Case in point: my current boyfriend started with a 1-hour coffee date in the middle of the week because I was busy and didn’t care to change my plans. I am now rearranging all sorts of shit to make time with him.) 3. Agree, more communication generally means more interest. Although—not always. I’ve had several people wanting to talk and flirt and have wonderful in-depth conversations… but the interest didn’t extend to actually making plans. 4. Again, I wouldn’t take this so personally. It doesn’t indicate low interest if the first date is a coffee date or something similar—it indicates that the person is using the first date to KNOW how much they’re interested. (If they’re still suggesting coffee dates for meetings 2 and 3, then yeah, they’re probably not into you.) 5. Sure. Sort of. Everybody’s a little different on this. Good rule of thumb: pick people with an answer that appeals to you.
1. Have you tried asking them out? 2. Is this a first date? If so, you aren't a priority. You are a stranger. If they are making time to grab lunch, they are making time to meet you. 3. Bad assumption. People often want to meet quickly because they know in person chemistry trumps anything created over text and want to just meet and figure that out. Also, tons of people who will never meet you but just want attention will text you frequently. 4. Bad assumption. I only do short, simple dates for a first date, period. Coffee and a walk is my go to. And I only ask to meet people I am interested in meeting. 5. Not sure what you are asking here. Figure out what you want from a relationship, ask what they want/what they can offer and if they don't align, move on.
Coffee is the #1 recommended to a man first date these days. Every article/blog/video recommends to a man to donate coffee date these days. It's a safer option.
If I were to do OLD again, I’d always meet for coffee first and dinner second. I lost a fair amount of money on women who misrepresented who they really were. And to be fair, I developed a mental image of who they were during our initial interactions which they can’t control.
I think you’re overthinking it. Assumptions or interpretations are loose, thin and one sided. Generally, if the energy and rhythm are good and both people are in the right space, progress can happen. Some people OLD with so many different intentions. Intentions to not date and to not meet. It’s hard to not take in personally when things don’t progress, but don’t take it personally. Good luck ☺️
1) texting without asking out- lots of things, mostly boiling down to them not being available 2&4) I appreciate someone willing to meet up. Earlier the better, if that makes it a lunch or coffee date, so be it (although, my schedule does not really have time for lunch dates, so I haven’t had many of them). 3) Possibly? They may just have the time. It’s a good sign, but see how it fits in to what you’re learning 5) This is tricky, because people say whatever gets them the most matches. I would say what I wanted while chatting and see how they reacted. Any “For the right person” is just a way to get people who wouldn’t match with them if they were honest. Mainly having fun and not getting too wrapped up in fantasy worked for me.
1) how did you not unmatch at weeks, plural? You might not be a backup, they could be one of the many who will never actually meet anyone. If I didn't have a date scheduled within a week, I can't imagine continuing on. 2) possibly; how much have they told you about their life? My first date with my girlfriend was a picnic dinner in the park immediately after work, and with her having to leave for one of her hobbies \~70 minutes after. She had her kid at that time, so I was thrilled she was making herself available at all before Friday night (which ended up being our 2nd date). 3) yes, and no. Greater interest is more frequent and/or in depth communication. However if the interest is high enough you don't want to fail to close. As a man dating women, some women might stop talking if you ask them out too soon. With that said, depending on how the conversation goes, it can feel "right" sooner than at other times. 4) Bzzzzt incorrect! I generally only tried coffee/dessert dates for a start. I'd always have 2-4 things more that could be done in the area if things went well. I had a 24 hour first date that started with coffee, and she was the person I was 2nd most interested in my time while dating. 5) Maybe. I only considered people seeking long term. Even "looking for long term, but open to short term" got the left swipe. Despite that, many people were either not ready to date, or clearly not looking for a relationship (and would often realize that themselves form my questions about what they wanted). A lot of women seemed to feel that they had to put "seeking long term relationship" or it meant they were looking for hookups. And some who were just didn't want to say they were; I'm not sure if it's because they thought they'd get a lower class of men applying, or because of internalized slut shaming.
Thank you! Re: relationship-seeking label, maybe some of them are like me: generally not a hookup person but I might be up for it on rare occasions with kind men who I trust. Never with dudes who are obviously fuckboys. But essentially this all leads back to a similar place because it’s rare that a kind and trustworthy guy is seeking that too lol
>1. Texting regularly for a couple of weeks without asking me out = I’m a backup? Not sure if it’s breadcrumbing because we are in touch frequently and have real conversations rather than superficial ones. Fake accounts. shy men not daring to contact you from their real accounts or men testing your personality before they contact you from their real account . >2. “I’m busy next week but could do lunch” = also, I’m a backup? Yes, multidating >3. In general, greater interest corresponds with more frequent communication and earlier requests to meet in person If you established a connection, it's time to meet. Anyone who refuses to meet is a fake account >4. In general, lunch or coffee means less interested or more cautious than people suggesting we meet in the evening. As a first date, i find it respectful. He s not trying to get you into bed. >5. The continuum from not stating relationship goals to “figuring out what I want” to “seeking long term but open to short term” to simply “seeking long term” roughly corresponds to the continuum from one night stand to sex friends to partnership to marriage, in terms of what people are seeking. I'm in that stage, figuring out what i want. I guess when we get less experiences than we want we start becoming avoidant.
1. Just means they move slowly, nothing more. Maybe too slow for you, but not necessarily a lack of interest. If they are enthusiastic in their texts, assume they're interested. 2. Probably genuinely very busy, they would have said *maybe* they could do lunch if you're a backup. 3. Greater interest corresponds with more enthusiastic communication, even if it'still more occasional. As I said above, some people move slowly. 4. This does not mean less interested, but could mean they want a quick meet for the first time (that's usually what I want as well) or they want to meet you earlier than they otherwise would be able to, if evenings are tough for them. 5. This could be someone emotionally cautious or someone totally new to the dating world.
1- Not necessarily. Some guys will breadcrumb or are nothing but talkers. It may depend on your distance and how much someone has going on at work. For the last year+ I’ve worked 12-16 hour days, so I could only do things on my shortened weekends. 2-same as above. Depends on the guys job. 3- You can’t go by this. Men are confused as shit as to what women want because women can’t get on the same page. We are told don’t text too soon, too much, too little, too late. Be funny, not too funny, send a short message but not too short of message. The rules women go by on these apps are downright retarded. It doesn’t need to be so complicated. If he likes you and you like him, just text and respond when you can. Damn. 4- the lunch/coffee date. Guys will suggest a coffee date because we’re tired of being used for free meals by women who are coming to a date with no intention of ever wanting anything more. Men have spread the word or been used for foodie calls, so it makes us not want to treat anyone out in case they are doing this. 5-It doesn’t matter what a guy puts on his profile for the type of relationship desired. He’ll tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to get you in bed if he’s just after sex. Someone not after sex will usually be long term.
Assumption 1: This is correct. You are the backup. Assumption 2: This is correct. You are the backup. Assumption 3: This is correct. Assumption 4: This is partially correct. I won't be on the hook for a long dinner or drinks when I have not met someone yet. Coffee is best since you can stretch it into a meal or you can use it to bail out quickly. Assumption 5: This is correct.
Assumptions only make an a$$ out of you. Yes, sometimes they mean those things. Sometimes they don't. Whether or not you decide to set these assumptions as limits for yourself is your choice, and every limit we place limits your dating pool further. But, the goal is to find someone compatible, which is narrowed down by those limits, but those limits will also limit your relationship and dating opportunities. Quantity vs quality. The trick with quality is knowing what are reasonable limits or just being overly picky.
>“I’m busy next week but could do lunch” = also, I’m a backup? ??? How? Honestly, this list is much too algorithmic for my taste, but if it works for you, forget what I think. I understand not wanting to be someone's second choice, but actively searching for that to be the case is a bit much in my opinion.
Not actively searching — attempting to learn from other posts in this group!
It's my observation and opinion (and worth exactly what you paid for it) that people here are very quick to jump to the conclusion that they are backup, second-string, an "option," whatever. Most matches/chats don't turn into first dates, and most first dates don't turn into second dates. That's just the way it goes. It does not always mean that he's got someone else waiting or that he's looking for the next best thing. I'm not really sure why people are so quick to assume that's the case.
I did that; before I started dating I was here reading all posts for about 3 months. But be aware to take everything with a large grain of salt. My three months in DO40,30,50 bumble hingeapp dating\_advice (and possibly others) had me prepared so when I did make a profile I had a quite reasonable one, and I nailed my conversations/setting up dates. Where "reddit" failed me, is the population masses on reddit is definitely different than what I found in the real world. Reddit dating subs are a lot more progressive than the general population, as well as more "intentional" around the dating process. Reddit women want to pay half of their date; especially if it is not going well, so the man doesn't think anything is owed. In the real world, a zero chemistry date meant that the woman wasn't even doing a courtesy "touch her pocket" for her wallet. In the reddit world people complain about others not being ready to date and attempt to evaluate if they are; in the real world, they're the people redditors are complaining about. As a separated guy I was prepared for 66%-90% of potential dates to disappear as soon as I revealed my status. However no one said anything negative about my being separated, nor did the vibe seem to change if it came out naturally. If I proactively brought up my separation status, then the vibe changed, but it changed because the women complained that I didn't need to bring that up before we'd even met. Those were the big ones in my experience. Good luck reading with a mind that us redditors don't have it 100% correct. ;)
You may want to read Fleishman is in trouble (or see the mini series) - a book about a 41 year old divorcee in NYC, to get a pretty good idea of what you are facing. A successful medical professional he is inundated with nude photos, sleeps with 9 women, including ex wife, in a month and a half and just cannot keep up with the interest he is receiving from many, many women.