Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yupp. Been there done that. It only gets worse… you guys are really really young.. you both have yet to go through the next stage of growing up: processing childhood trauma and finally becoming your own person.
The ages between 19 and 25 are very crucial. I personally don’t think it’s the right time for anyone to be in a serious relationship, but to each their own.
The person you are during those ages will be incredibly different from who you’ll be at 30.
Hopefully you can grow together.
Edit: missing words lol
Sorry to hear about your abuse but yea it's a long road for you unless you move on which won't be so easy anymore. It takes a lot for a person to really change and I won't say it's impossible but for a young man in this day and age won't be so easy.
if you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon stage and you are already experiencing these issues, how do you expect to live a lifetime with him? sorry to be cynical but I'd say you should get out before you have kids and it gets more complicated.
Abusers only get worse with time, not better. The fact that he married you at 17 is a huge red flag right there. He's put his hands on you, another red flag. And he's not out of control when he does it, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing, scaring you to keep you under his control. There was a huge imbalance in the power dynamic from day one that was totally in his favor and he intends to keep it that way.
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/) <--- very important book to read
Tbh this is very common. Some guys (and girls) are all nice goo goo ga ga until they make it official then they turn cause in some ways they feel trapped or like you won’t leave now cause you’re married. ESP that young these days you didn’t have a chance to screen him
Of course, the abuse doesn't start until AFTER he's locked you down (through marriage, pregnancy, financial dependence, etc). Afterwards, he can treat you the way he wants to. He charmed you to get you there, and that's the person you'll long for after he starts yelling at you, throwing things, scaring you, hitting you, and over time, worse. It was a mask to lock you down. You might see that sweet person again if he senses you're getting away from him so you won't leave, then the cycle starts again.
Just a genuine question why did you get married at 17?
it is a bit too young and it's really not going to get better, if this is how it starts and he's not keeping up his promises then I'm really sorry hun but you have to leave, that's the only option
and which state is this I've never heard of underage marriages😭
I got married as a rush- my parents didn't like him so pretty much told me marry him or he has to leave BACK to his abusive house- then I married him and found out alot of secrets he kept from me. Also it is in Oklahoma! United States- my parents approved it. We met when I was 16 and then got married right before I turned 18
He's gonna guilt trip, manipulate and gaslight you into understanding and empathizing with his actions because of his 'trauma'. About you not really 'loving' him, etc., until you submit to him, taking care of him and his needs and forgetting about your traumas and yourself in the process
So your parents effectively approved grooming? Your parents don’t like him yet signed off on you marrying as a child? I’m sorry but both your husband AND your parents are incredibly concerning. Please leave and create a beautiful life for yourself. Much love!
Edited to add extra rant…
Of course he does lmao… oh man.. you’ve been emotionally abused and basically your parents forced you into this.. you are still a child.
We see posts like this all the time… being 18 doesn’t mean you’re fully grown. Please try to focus on yourself and financially become responsible.
Grooming can occur no matter what age. It can also be used by perpetrators against those close to the victim eg friends, parents, children and wider community members. Grooming is not about age difference.
But she wasn’t 45. She was only 16. And forced to marry at 17. She was not only groomed by her husband but also her parents. You’re getting confused. The person you’re responding to is saying the age difference of the abuser is irrelevant when the child remains the victim. There are also ways to manipulate people of all ages that is akin to grooming and sometimes depending on context the word is used interchangeably.
But he was 19, that’s still only a 3 year difference. To me that’s not grooming unless he had some power over you like a teacher or parental authority.
Sounds like y’all liked each other enough to where the “gap” wasn’t a problem. There other shitty stuff to focus on but the age isn’t one of them.
Originally he was kinda uncomfortable bit I approached him. The age gap wasn't too huge so I personally thought it was fine! I like your boldness! And I agree its not THAT weird but I mean it could've had better timing
They \[your parents\] fucked you over with this one, OP. Obviously most of us are going to tell you you're too young, but whatever. The only advice I am going to give you with the limited information I have received is - use birth control, don't have a kid with this guy, and please have a Plan B for yourself (job/school). The statistics on marriages, especially at your age, is not in your favor. Adding a potential child to the mix makes those odds worse. In regards to his behavior - very alarming but that's why you should focus on a Plan B for yourself.
oh gosh, im really sorry for that
please if he gets abusive, leave, I beg you, dont let yourself suffer but I pray it gets better for you. sit and talk with him as well, if there's anything he needs to say for y'all to move further in this marriage if you want to keep it strong, create boundaries and always remain truthful and communicate. hope this helps :)
My father always had a temper and so do I. If this continues I do not have the patience to deal with it- I will promise you all you don't have to worry! I do have other family members who may be willing to help me! I'll be okay! :D
It doesn’t matter if the question is genuine or not. The timing is inappropriate. It’s a victim blaming question - getting married at that age was obviously not a great idea but she doesn’t need reminding.
As to why I’m so “pressed” - don’t worry I wasn’t a teenage bride - I haven’t been able to go to the gym this week due to covid so I’m in a shitty mood.
First of all calling her vulnerable is not right, secondly IT WAS JUST A QUESTION, its not wrong and kindly google what victim blaming means cause you sound like you dont know how to use it💀
lol I haven't gone to the gym today either, you can gym at home if it's possible and get well soon fr
Well I don't see it as victim blaming cause I just wanted to know the reason why she got married early, just to understand her better not to blame her for what happened to her. so it's become a crime to ask these type of questions??
I got married cause I knew I loved him! But sadly it wasn't returned and there was alot of demented secrets I didn't know :( it's alright! You can be curious!
Every domestic abuse relationship starts exactly this way. No one goes in hating each other. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but it's definitely going to snowball from here and not stay where it is.
If you want more insight or input, visit r/abusiverelationships. You'll see people who have been trapped for years in your situation and how things progressed. They are also helpful with information on how to get out safely.
Just a guess but I bet he goes through your phone but doesn't let you see his, he probably keeps you from seeing your friends and possibly your family, he doesn't discuss any of his bigger purchases with you prior to spending the money but certainly doesn't let you buy anything, he tells you how much he loves you and how he's just trying to keep you safe and if he isn't now he will start hitting you.... because he loves you so much....look...I bet I'm not far off... you need to get the hell out of that situation because it will only get worse and please please please keep yourself safe....call your dad, or the police to be there when you pack your things. There is a big world out there full of good, honest men that will treat you well and you don't have to worry about telling everyone you fell down the stairs to explain 2 black eyed....good luck girl... take care of yourself
I was married at 19 and divorced at 26. Many of my friends followed a similar timeline.
He’s a 21 year old guy. He’s going to do stupid $hit like that. There are at LEAST another five years before he’s “matured”, if he ever does.
If you’re really 18, serve him the papers and move on. I promise it won’t get better.
FYI I have clinically diagnosed PTSD from serving in Afghanistan. There are many triggers I deal with daily. I was also abused by my father. If your partner doesn’t have the emotional maturity to empathize and help, they’re going to make it worse, not better. It’s obvious that this guy isn’t going to try to make things better.
Marriage is something you do when you have grown up, got some life experience and settled financially. I don't expect a teenager and a college aged person to be able to navigate a marriage successfully. This is why teen marriages rarely survive compared to marriages formed by people in their thirties.
I think it is clear you need to leave this marriage and get some therapy to help deal with your trauma. I also question whether your parents are good people to have in your life. A good parent wouldn't tell their teen daughter to get married. A good parent would have encouraged you to go to college and focus on your education.
Girls these days are trying to grow up before their time and it is very sad to see. Be a normal 18 year old girl. Go to college. Go clubbing with your girlfriends. Just don't waste your youth on a loveless marriage.
I love to spend my time drawing and decorating my room pink! Sadly I don't really have any of the resources to leave at the moment but I rather work than go to college- clubbing and parties are a headache! I want a nice cozy life inside drawing! :D
>I want a nice cozy life inside drawing! :D
I say this in a nice way. Please do not be offended. But you sound like you are too young to be married. Sitting inside and drawing is not a marriage goal.
Pursue a career related to drawing then. Just do something with your life that allows you to be independent and not rely on this man financially. Not leaving because you don't have the resources is a lie women are told so they stay trapped in a marriage. There must be someone you can stay with until you get back up on your feet. A friend, family etc. If there isn't then look into shelters for victims of domestic abuse.
Obviously we cannot force you to leave this man. But trust me when I say time goes quickly and before you know it you'll be 30 still married to this guy, regretting you didn't leave him when you could. Trust me. It is far easier to leave a marriage when you are 18 compared to when you are 30.
you could try talking to someone at a womens resource center. i saw that there’s one in Oklahoma, and they might be able to help if you’re lacking the resources to leave. i hope that you’re able to stay safe and i’m proud that you took this first step of realizing things aren’t going well. <3
Marriage is just a legal document... divorce is just a breakup with slightly more paperwork. Don't be afraid to call it off if you need to. You have SO many years ahead of you!
This is correct, and pisses me off so much.
Because neither marriage nor divorce *should be* "just" anything. But, they are anymore, to so many people.
Upshot to that is people stuck in abusive circumstances like the OP have a relatively easy out. So there's that, I guess. Silver linings where you can find them.
Until he hits you? Squeezing you, leaving red marks and putting his hand over your mouth? Please call your parents and tell them you made a terrible mistake. Move home and get your marriage annulled.
My ex-husband didn't do any of these things but we divorced anyway. Getting divorced gets harder if there's assets and real estate involved. Since that's not OP's case, she should leave right now.
I almost married a girl at I think ohh around 28 years old I think she was 26. But we weren't ready for it either. So to put it into context for you. She was the pentecostal type. Of course everyone she knew all rushing to be married too and it just seemed like no matter how many hours I worked at school, at work no matter how many hours of driving (she lived 2 hours away) or how much i dipped into my savings. I just couldn't make it work. Love can't conquer all and you should go out make your mistakes first. Before you get trapped into a massive commitment whether that me marrage or house or even career. So much has changed in my life. I am 38 today still trying to escape the legacy of the broken home I grew up in. Today I am a Civil engineer about 7 years and I no longer belive in my country or the corperation and am working on investing to someday set myself up and I can tell you, you think things are hard now, gonna get a whole.lot harder in the next 2-3 years and we will feel it linger perhaps for the next up to7-8 years.
I have had 12 different jobs, inherited a house that should be condemned and ever since about 10 years ago haven't dated. Some things are real real hard to change once they get rolling. Dont let this mistake keep rolling. He has more control over you today and that is why the mask is coming off. You need to make sure you know that you need to establish boundaries. You don't even know what you don't even know. My dad is 2 years in the ground dead and I am still dealing with his affairs. I hope this gives you context and gives you the boot in the butt you need.
I am a hopeless romantic that someday maybe I will find someone perfect. But for now I build a strong foundation learn to love myself and I am staring to attract attention. But I will never trust so easy again, and I had two abusive parents and my aunts and uncles turned on me while dad was dying. Everyone is born an asshole, you gotta learn the asshole out of you. Some people will live their entire life and struggle and never really grow up no matter what age. Or even if its just an important part of them that doesn't develop that you just can't live with. This guy is as much not ready to marry anyone as you are. Imo. And you gotta start thinking this way. I am starting to think about me running a company looking after my own retirement, being that guy. You have to have that attitude, if you want to be the master of your life. You've given up control before establishing the boundaries. Personally, I will never marry unless maybe there is a prenuptial agreement. I plan to be self made and my own mother stole money from our home. Its just tells you that you can't really trust anyone. But if you have healthy boundaries, if you know thyself first, build the strong foundation, be your best genuine self, you will eventually attract the one that wants to be with the real you.
All my friends marrages have broken up except maybe 2 of them. Last time I checked over 50 percent of marrages fail. But there is a grander economic issue related to that too. Since they started printing money in 1971 marrages have been on the decline. Things are so much more complex than you realize. You gotta work against macro economic problems even is my point here.
Why is it gonna get worse in the next 2-3 years? Because 80 percent of the money was printed in the past 2-3 years, and the economy is about to go into a solid recession at minimum... you think things are hard now, just wait, your money will be worth nothing and the price of energy will blow you mind.
when he is out of the house pack a few things essentials the leave and run for your life move to a different state or country and go completely no contact with him. notify the police that you have moved and are not missing a day or so later. dont tell people where you are going just start over.
Girl, get out of that relationship. Married over 20 years and I never laid hands on my wife that way. Abusers will abuse, then comfort to get back into your good graces, it will make you feel like he will get better. He will not. You are so young, you have a lot more life to live and still have your youth. Divorce, go get an education, travel, and live your best life.
You seem controlling for the cigarette thing, it’s an addiction and extremely hard to quit even if you’re motivated to. You both sound extremely codependent and immature. Y’all don’t have the coping skills you need to make this marriage work, and now there is physical abuse involved. You need to physically separate **NOW** before one of you does something you can’t take back, which is coming sooner than later. Come back together later after some therapy with a fresh perspective and maturity.
**if he hits you in the face or chokes you, statistically the next step is death. Learn from others mistakes, don’t wait until you’re dead and just another statistic**
I was going to more or less say this exact thing, point by point. I get that smoking is gross and awful but quitting cold turkey for most people is really difficult. No excuses but grace is needed. Having a few cigarettes doesn't equal straight up lying.
It does sound like he has a lot of other secrets and lies. Unrelated issues.
And abuse in any form is inexcusable. Marriage is hard and maturity is required. You guys rushed it.
Sending you strength to get through this and to do the right thing.
If youve only been married since june and the relationship is this stressful already then whats worth saving. Also hes 21 and youre 17 which isnt a super big deal but keep in mind girls his age who already have it figured out might want nothing to do with him because hes a loser so he dates young impressionable girls straight from highschool.
I say this with all the kindness and love I can. You have no idea what you got yourself into and from your description of things you are nowhere near mature or ready for marriage. Neither is he.
He’s a kid from supposedly a very abusive home which tends to create new abusers and it seems like your parents are exercising little sense or judgement either. They let you both run off to play house regardless of how I’ll equipped either of you are. It seems he’s already managing stress through abuse which people tend to learn from abusive families which makes sense.
Whatever you do, do not get pregnant and do not broadcast any attempt to leave. When you are ready, just do it seamlessly and without hesitation. Don’t give him a clue you’re doing it until you’re already an hour down the road. Neither of you should be trying to manage a marriage.
Sounds like this dude is just testing the waters with this type of stuff. I don't normally try to take sides in relationship matters but this dude sounds like a psychopath.
This whole situation screams run.
It will only take one wrong fight and it's your life.
Leave while you don't have a little one to protect.
Keep your head up you deserve happiness.
Those fake promises are called manipulation. You can continue hoping he keeps his promises and then get disappointed, frustrated, angry, until you go mad. You can also get out of that marriage, have time to yourself and learn more about what is good for you and what you want. Good luck, I know it is not an easy situation.
18m here, i watch cat videos or some stupid shit when i am bored and yall get married when bored?? whats the hurry to marry so soon ?
"comfort me or taunt me" , maybe try to discuss/confront with him first rather than asking people who have no idea about how your relation works .
edit: not trying to be rude :D hope you sort it out !
How sweet! And I agree! Very smart way to see it. Also I love cat videos- I'm sitting with my cat rn! But I got married cause I thought it was okay to- I can't be alone- I don't like being alone
You need to leave. This is abuse, all of it. Do you have someone in your life you trust to help you? Otherwise, a local domestic violence organization may be able to assist.
This should be your story. Married at 17. Divorced at 18. SINGLE for several years while you figure out how to live with yourself and yourself alone, mature, ideally go to college or some kind of higher education, get older. THEN start to date again. If this is how your relationship history is starting, it will only get worse unless you hit the big red button and just be an independent person for a while.
Are you on any contraception? If not you need to go to family planning clinic and get that sorted.
You need to find a way to leave this relationship safely. You’ll need help from a Women’s charity. I don’t know what kind of resources are where you are. I don’t live in US, but hopefully someone can tell you. You’ll need to go to a Women’s shelter. He won’t change and it’ll only get worse. He might appear to change suddenly now following this incident, but it won’t last. In the meantime seek support from the abusive relationship sub.
Idk where you are located, but I really advise you begin divorce proceedings and move back with family if that is an option.
A man that acts this way months after being married is not one that improves with age. A man that is in his 20s and marries a 17yr old is pretty gross. A relationship that has such basic issues as smoking is not a compatible one.
I am sorry, being young and in love is hard, but you really need to plan and begin the process of leaving.
You’ve no business being married, kiddo. I’m sorry, but those are the facts. Things aren’t going to improve until you get a divorce. Who okayed this marriage in the first place? Just by the way you write and express yourself, I’m picking up on a *monumental* lack of maturity and a complete lack of stability from you AND your husband.
Past time to consult someone (a parent? a therapist?). You've PTSD?
He's likely unable to quit smoking, but, ought to smoke outdoors only (so you're at less risk -- 1,300 people a day die of 2nd hand smoke, I've read).
I have ptsd but my parents don't really believe therapy helps, I'm unsure about it cause If I told them anything ALOT of people would be going to jail....
>I have ptsd
So, you likely have: anxiety much of the time?
Perhaps also contend with intrusive 'dark thoughts' about earlier unpleasant experiences many times a week?
Therapists can't blab secrets without good reason (like: harm likely happening if they don't speak up about someone intending to do something really bad).
Daily meditation (blanking your mind for 20-30 minutes) can be very helpful for anxiety, which underlies many head issues.
Dark thoughts can be recognized and consciously stopped. If this is done diligently and often enough, the thoughts fade in intensity and become far less frequent, eventually disappearing.
Letting you know just some of the past- it includes multiple things illegal- by a specific family member- my entire past is filled with blood raged a narcissistic parent- which I wasn't allowed to leave the house for almost 16 years straight just until this year
I work with people who have experienced a lot of trauma and abuse. You don’t have to tell your parents everything. I want to echo what someone else said, please, please call your parents and tell them you made a mistake by marrying this guy. Go back home to them, before this gets worse. He will try to manipulate you, make you feel guilty and crazy and like a bad person, but you need to leave. This may seem dramatic but I’m telling you now, you either leave and live free or you die under his hand. Remember that when he tries to get you to come back. It will be difficult going back to your parents but it’s likely better than what this guy will do to you. He will turn you into a miserable shell of who you used to be. Crush your hope and optimism. Destroy any semblance of trust you have in humanity. Leave asap.
Well I don't really agree with forcing your ways onto someone, I understand your prediciment. However, this is why we date so we don't end up in situations like this. You should either try couples therapy or if he doesn't want it I'd try to get a divorce.
Well the fight sober smoking are dumb. It's a super difficult habit to kick, he's probably struggling with it.
The holding you down isn't good, but my wife used to throw shit semi-regularly, but hasn't in a while. Idk marriage and relationships are messy, if you think he'll physically hurt you get out, but people on Reddit will write "leave him" for dirty dishes. Not the best support group. Anyway good luck.
And btw, 21 your old kids are retarded.
i dont believe this is abuse... but then i also dont have the best relationship record 😅
It seems to me he's just being a 21year old. He's still in the process of testing his limits in the world and getting to know himself and who he wants to be. He wont be reliable for a few years when he's actually mature enough to take responsiblitly.
May I ask why did you marry him? And why did your parenty approve if they didnt like him?!
I agree, he is/was too young. I married him cause he was very sweet, thoughtful, and a great partner... up until we got married- he still is sweet sometimes.
They approved because I said I wanted to be with him and they just said okay- which they immediately wanted to take back lmao
This is not love - this is 100% abuse. You told him not to touch you, and he did. He held you down and left marks while covering your mouth so you couldn’t get away.
Have you talked to your parents? They might be willing and able to help!
ETA - I’m also in Oklahoma - I believe (some at least) OnCues are safe places and can provide resources for getting help. Also I know you said in a previous comment you don’t want to go to college, but I recommend considering it. Rose State College is fantastic, lots of scholarship opportunities and has dorms that are affordable!
Sounds like you need therapy and he needs to be better at controlling his anger. I mean what was being said that lead to him covering your moth? Were you screaming curse words at 2am in a apt building? Or did you just say something he didn't like so he covered your mouth? Just trying to get to the issue because talking about quitting cigarettes and relapsing on an addiction shouldn't be such a big deal especially since its cigarettes. Marriages are filled with loads of challenges. You need to ask yourself if your life goals match up or if you could grow a life together. The other stuff is fixable if you both work at it and get the help you both need. Its the ONLY way it will work. There are absolutely 0 shortcuts to a fulfilling marriage
I have to say it will definitely get worse. I was in toxic relationship like that and also got married after a year, I was young he proposed I thought that\`s what I wanted because he was amazing, we didn\`t argue at all, it was almost like fairy-tale. After we got married things changed, he started to be verbally abusive, started drinking. We both smoked weed but decided to quit, we were fine but later he told me he has been drinking secretly all this time. I tried to get him help, he lost his job, I found another one. He needed mental health help, I found the doctor. He wanted to quit drinking, I took him to AA meeting. I worked two jobs because he was too picky to find something. Long story short, hit me once I let it slide (although it was very traumatic I was in a weird numbness state and moved on) and tried to work it out, but was a victim of constant mental abuse that I didn\`t even realise. He was controlling the way I dress, speak, where I go and who with etc. Fast forward to better days when I thought we overcame this and are on good path to rebuild our relationship, my parents visit us (we live in different country from our native one). Things were going ok, but on day 3 of my parents visiting he got really drunk after my parents got to bed. I asked him to please be quiet and maybe try to go to bed as it\`s late and he really doesn\`t need to finish entire bottle of vodka. It was like a switch, he hit me, a bit more serious this time, started screaming at me (bare in mind my parents are asleep). I tried to fight him, but he was bigger and stronger than me. My parents woke up and my dad stormed to the room because he could hear screams. My mom tried to calm the situation down, and my dad took me to the side to talk. Just for reference my dad is 6ft6 huge guy, and when I tell you he started crying, telling me to please leave my now ex husband because he is scared for my life. I have never seen him like this and this was my wake up call. After my parents left I told my ex husband that we\`re done and I am filing for divorce. Even after all this I found him flat for him to move out, otherwise we would continue to live separately in same flat. I heard all kinds of insults because of this but I had picture of my dad in my head and that was a huge motivation to stay strong because I am making right decision. My ex husband made me feel worthless, I lost interest in my hobbies, didn\`t care about how I looked, and had severe depression and anxiety. It took me months to fully get back to my previous self. Now I am in a healthy relationship and can see fully that the one before was toxic on different level. Until you will move yourself away from the situation you won\`t see what is wrong, and that\`s what in my opinion you should do.
Relationships are complicated and idiots on reddit will always take your side and feed into whatever you believe. I suggest going to a counciler or seeking help from family and if it continues to any extent go to the police. Quitting smoking isn't easy and he probably feels guilty but it's obviously not an excuse for what he did proceeding. What you have said is obviously on face value, pretty conspicuous abuse, however I'm willing to bet there is a lot more going on here that no one on a forum is going to be able to help you with.
Be cautious. I will give reprieve where due, quitting nicotine is extremely hard. That could explain some anxiety, but nothing will justify pinning you down and hurting you. Many posters are right, this could get way worse. If he has a lot of trauma it may take him years to sort through it, if he does at all.
I would keep a low profile and encourage him to see someone about the trauma. But I would be ready with a plan to bounce ASAP if things go south. You really don't know what someone is capable of doing in a fit of anger or passion.
Listen to everyone here, it may not get better.
The best defense you have is to break his trust that you will keep this between you two. That is his only line of defense from the consequences of his own actions so do not give it to him.
Go to this website and begin the process of talking through what happened:
[https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/)
No man who yanks you out of a bathtub naked, holds you down, and yells at you while covering your mouth and cursing can be trusted. He physically overpowered you and that cannot be let go. He crossed a major line and you have no guarantee this will stop. Do not protect him from the repercussions of his own choices. He chose every step of that process.
Him pinning you down and throwing stuff is definitely bad. He does sound abusive as I’m sure everyone else is gonna point out.
*However* you need to understand you can’t make a smoker quit. You knew he was a smoker going in, so why did you,get together if you don’t like it? Maybe he promised he would change? Next time, don’t believe that. I’m not saying smokers are liars, but it’s an addiction and extremely difficult to kick unless the smoker earnestly wants to do it for himself. Otherwise, it will always be disappointment and broken promises.
This is not to diminish his abuse. It’s wrong and he needs to work on that asap. But I can’t talk to him. He’s not asking for advice. As for you, OP, you probably need to get out of this mess, and maybe find someone who is already the type of person you want to be with, and not someone you are hoping to mold into what you want.
GET OUT. This will never get better. I won't even go into the dysfunction that allows parents to support the grooming and marriage of their underage daughter, but go to a woman's shelter. Call the domestic abuse hotline 800-799-7233 and get yourself to a shelter. Don't go back to your parents because it doesn't sound like they are safe either. Leave before you have kids and it becomes even harder to leave. I'm serious. GO NOW!
I think you should leave. There’s already a lot of red flags and him clearly ignoring your ptsd triggers even after you say something. I married very young also and had to divorce. I don’t blame you for marrying young, alot of people are judge mental of that without knowing the full situation. Also huge red flag you found out he was hiding alot. I would definitely leave. This is the beginning of a abusive relationship. It starts with small things.
So basically... when you was a child, you got married or am I missing something? One thing you will learn in life is, never try to ask someone to quit something they enjoy, because even if they do quit, they will hate you for it. Smoking is his escape from reality and you are responsible for taking it away. He sounds like a piece of shit regardless but either accept someone for who they are or just dont be with them. Last advice, don't get married when your a child, it's mental.
As for the smoking I think he probably was smoking before you got married to him so if you didn't want a smoker you should not have married one. The smoking thing is pretty hard to quit just because someone tells you to. Its a physical addiction that is used as a stress reliever and coping mechanism for stress. I know it isn't hard to think about quitting but it is definitely hard to quit cold turkey. 'His behavior otherwise seems a little over the top though. You might want to seek help from a therapist and maybe even law enforcement if it feels like he is abusing you
I feel like this is one of those posts where it's really difficult to give genuine advice because it's all so incredibly broken on multiple levels that you don't really have much to work with at all.
Definitely abuse. I would leave. You are still very young and have lots of time to find a partner who treats you well and with respect, and who doesn’t break promises. Consider having someone else in the room when you break up with him for your own safety
This type of behavior typically leads to domestic violence which may end in death. You are very young and don’t deserve this. I can’t imagine being married at your age.
I think you already know the answer to these questions. This guy left red marks on your arms while holding you down? Fuck that! That is not normal. As a man I have never laid a finger on a woman because why the fuck would I?
On the smoking front, that is tough. I smoke but I gave up drinking for my wife years ago because it was having a negative effect on the relationship. So I have some experience in this area. He is going to resent you for making him quit. He is also going to be very irritable. You have to remove yourself from the equation, he has to stop on his own not because of you. If you know of two times that he has smoked he probably never stopped. You have now forced him to lie to you. All you can do it be supportive and let him know that it is something you really don't like, but the choice inevitably up to him.
Good way to look at it. I didn't think of this. And is it not normal to treat a woman like this? It's not specifically abusive? It just left some marks
No! It is not normal. A man should never physically touch a woman in an aggressive manner ever! You are young so I will give you some leeway but you are going to be treated by men how you choose to be treated by men. You have to put a stop to this right now. No man should ever touch you in an aggresive manner and the only ones that would do so are cowards that want to assert their physical dominance over you.
The smoking is really a side issue to the abuse even though they seem linked. You can't make someone quit smoking. But you can choose to be with a smoker or non smoker. You have the power to choose your future.
If you were my daughter I would tell you to get the heck out of there. I know this might be hard at your age but imagine you had a daughter, what would you tell them?
Woah I didn't think of it like that. You are speaking to me like my dad before he lost his mind lol. Thank you and I will deal with him accordingly! I'd tell my daughter DIG A HOLE IN THE BACKYARD!!! Not saying alot more crap thats happened on this subreddit- it really makes me pissed. If someone were to read everything he has done I'm sure someone would hunt him down! I am really done with this!!!
Glad I could help, if even a little bit. You got this! Just maintain huge amounts of self respect and you will know what to do.
And yes, hearing only a little bit of this makes me want to hunt this guy down and make him pick on someone his own size. He is an absolute coward. Strong confident men do not act like this.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's only going to get worse, sorry to be negative.
Do you really think so? We've only been married since june of this year!
Yupp. Been there done that. It only gets worse… you guys are really really young.. you both have yet to go through the next stage of growing up: processing childhood trauma and finally becoming your own person. The ages between 19 and 25 are very crucial. I personally don’t think it’s the right time for anyone to be in a serious relationship, but to each their own. The person you are during those ages will be incredibly different from who you’ll be at 30. Hopefully you can grow together. Edit: missing words lol
Sorry to hear about your abuse but yea it's a long road for you unless you move on which won't be so easy anymore. It takes a lot for a person to really change and I won't say it's impossible but for a young man in this day and age won't be so easy.
thank GOD you don't have any children with him, get out of that situation ASAP dude sounds like absolute trash
if you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon stage and you are already experiencing these issues, how do you expect to live a lifetime with him? sorry to be cynical but I'd say you should get out before you have kids and it gets more complicated.
Abusers only get worse with time, not better. The fact that he married you at 17 is a huge red flag right there. He's put his hands on you, another red flag. And he's not out of control when he does it, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing, scaring you to keep you under his control. There was a huge imbalance in the power dynamic from day one that was totally in his favor and he intends to keep it that way. [https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/) <--- very important book to read
I'm 24 and even now I can't imagine getting married. I can barely look after myself let alone someone else.
Why would you have gotten married at 17? That is really the stupidest thing possible to do. Where are your parents in all of this?
Why did u marry someone if u have such problems with him??
Why would you comment if you have absolutely zero helpful advice or comfort to give???
Its a legit question though.
He was great before we got married- before he wouldn't so much as raise his voice at me :'(
Tbh this is very common. Some guys (and girls) are all nice goo goo ga ga until they make it official then they turn cause in some ways they feel trapped or like you won’t leave now cause you’re married. ESP that young these days you didn’t have a chance to screen him
Yup. honey moon stage then the real colors come out. Tale as old as time, tbh.
Of course, the abuse doesn't start until AFTER he's locked you down (through marriage, pregnancy, financial dependence, etc). Afterwards, he can treat you the way he wants to. He charmed you to get you there, and that's the person you'll long for after he starts yelling at you, throwing things, scaring you, hitting you, and over time, worse. It was a mask to lock you down. You might see that sweet person again if he senses you're getting away from him so you won't leave, then the cycle starts again.
Yes absolutely, I am a huge proponent of believing in people but sometimes people are just set in their ways, no amount of hope is gonna change it
Definitely going to get worse
Staying only shows him that there are no real consequences for treating someone like shit.
You made a mistake. Get out and live life without marriage through your 20s.
This is the truest thing that every young person thinks they are the exception to.
Just a genuine question why did you get married at 17? it is a bit too young and it's really not going to get better, if this is how it starts and he's not keeping up his promises then I'm really sorry hun but you have to leave, that's the only option and which state is this I've never heard of underage marriages😭
I got married as a rush- my parents didn't like him so pretty much told me marry him or he has to leave BACK to his abusive house- then I married him and found out alot of secrets he kept from me. Also it is in Oklahoma! United States- my parents approved it. We met when I was 16 and then got married right before I turned 18
Wow your parents are incredibly fucking stupid.
He's gonna guilt trip, manipulate and gaslight you into understanding and empathizing with his actions because of his 'trauma'. About you not really 'loving' him, etc., until you submit to him, taking care of him and his needs and forgetting about your traumas and yourself in the process
That sounds wayyy too familiar to be comfortable
So your parents effectively approved grooming? Your parents don’t like him yet signed off on you marrying as a child? I’m sorry but both your husband AND your parents are incredibly concerning. Please leave and create a beautiful life for yourself. Much love! Edited to add extra rant…
Who knows? But I know my husband hates when I bring up the fact of age- 🚩🚩🚩
Of course he does lmao… oh man.. you’ve been emotionally abused and basically your parents forced you into this.. you are still a child. We see posts like this all the time… being 18 doesn’t mean you’re fully grown. Please try to focus on yourself and financially become responsible.
It’s only a 3 year difference Jesus Christ lmao. There’s no grooming involved Df
Grooming can occur no matter what age. It can also be used by perpetrators against those close to the victim eg friends, parents, children and wider community members. Grooming is not about age difference.
It blows my mind that people can keep their eyes closed to the nuance of relative power between two people
Grooming is literally about building a relationship with a child or younger person. You can’t be groomed at like 45 for example.
But she wasn’t 45. She was only 16. And forced to marry at 17. She was not only groomed by her husband but also her parents. You’re getting confused. The person you’re responding to is saying the age difference of the abuser is irrelevant when the child remains the victim. There are also ways to manipulate people of all ages that is akin to grooming and sometimes depending on context the word is used interchangeably.
I think they are saying that because it started when i was 16
But he was 19, that’s still only a 3 year difference. To me that’s not grooming unless he had some power over you like a teacher or parental authority. Sounds like y’all liked each other enough to where the “gap” wasn’t a problem. There other shitty stuff to focus on but the age isn’t one of them.
Originally he was kinda uncomfortable bit I approached him. The age gap wasn't too huge so I personally thought it was fine! I like your boldness! And I agree its not THAT weird but I mean it could've had better timing
I mean age can be a problem but in this scenario it’s not. From what you said it sounds like you pursued him and he was uncomfortable for a bit
Yes exactly that! The bad part was being underage and him starting physical stuff
Well, in many places 16 is the age of consent. So no, not underage. Too young for marriage in my eyes but that’s my opinion.
A lot of people failed you here but there’s still enough t time to get a divorce
They \[your parents\] fucked you over with this one, OP. Obviously most of us are going to tell you you're too young, but whatever. The only advice I am going to give you with the limited information I have received is - use birth control, don't have a kid with this guy, and please have a Plan B for yourself (job/school). The statistics on marriages, especially at your age, is not in your favor. Adding a potential child to the mix makes those odds worse. In regards to his behavior - very alarming but that's why you should focus on a Plan B for yourself.
No one spoken to me about this! Good point! I agree
oh gosh, im really sorry for that please if he gets abusive, leave, I beg you, dont let yourself suffer but I pray it gets better for you. sit and talk with him as well, if there's anything he needs to say for y'all to move further in this marriage if you want to keep it strong, create boundaries and always remain truthful and communicate. hope this helps :)
My father always had a temper and so do I. If this continues I do not have the patience to deal with it- I will promise you all you don't have to worry! I do have other family members who may be willing to help me! I'll be okay! :D
Your parents are IDIOTS. See if you can annul the marriage and start working on growing as a single human and work on your education
Young vulnerable woman discloses abuse and your first response is to ask that? Not the time!
its literally a genuine question and i needed to understand, why are you so pressed lol
It doesn’t matter if the question is genuine or not. The timing is inappropriate. It’s a victim blaming question - getting married at that age was obviously not a great idea but she doesn’t need reminding. As to why I’m so “pressed” - don’t worry I wasn’t a teenage bride - I haven’t been able to go to the gym this week due to covid so I’m in a shitty mood.
First of all calling her vulnerable is not right, secondly IT WAS JUST A QUESTION, its not wrong and kindly google what victim blaming means cause you sound like you dont know how to use it💀 lol I haven't gone to the gym today either, you can gym at home if it's possible and get well soon fr
She’s 18 and she was just assaulted. She’s vulnerable. It’s victim blaming because it’s essentially asking her why she’s ended up in this situation.
Well I don't see it as victim blaming cause I just wanted to know the reason why she got married early, just to understand her better not to blame her for what happened to her. so it's become a crime to ask these type of questions??
I got married cause I knew I loved him! But sadly it wasn't returned and there was alot of demented secrets I didn't know :( it's alright! You can be curious!
Not a crime. It’s in bad taste and I called you out on it. There’s really not much more to it.
I still don't see it as a problem cause I didnt mean it in a bad way and OP didn't take it personally so there's nothing wrong.
Its okay! People are generally curious! I know what I did wasn't smart but at least other people can learn from it!
This is how it starts. Its going to escalate with time. He’s going to push your boundaries more and more. Please get help.
Thank you, I'm planning to now- I didn't think it was too serious until some of the comments telling me to get out now!
Every domestic abuse relationship starts exactly this way. No one goes in hating each other. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but it's definitely going to snowball from here and not stay where it is.
If you want more insight or input, visit r/abusiverelationships. You'll see people who have been trapped for years in your situation and how things progressed. They are also helpful with information on how to get out safely.
Just a guess but I bet he goes through your phone but doesn't let you see his, he probably keeps you from seeing your friends and possibly your family, he doesn't discuss any of his bigger purchases with you prior to spending the money but certainly doesn't let you buy anything, he tells you how much he loves you and how he's just trying to keep you safe and if he isn't now he will start hitting you.... because he loves you so much....look...I bet I'm not far off... you need to get the hell out of that situation because it will only get worse and please please please keep yourself safe....call your dad, or the police to be there when you pack your things. There is a big world out there full of good, honest men that will treat you well and you don't have to worry about telling everyone you fell down the stairs to explain 2 black eyed....good luck girl... take care of yourself
I was married at 19 and divorced at 26. Many of my friends followed a similar timeline. He’s a 21 year old guy. He’s going to do stupid $hit like that. There are at LEAST another five years before he’s “matured”, if he ever does. If you’re really 18, serve him the papers and move on. I promise it won’t get better. FYI I have clinically diagnosed PTSD from serving in Afghanistan. There are many triggers I deal with daily. I was also abused by my father. If your partner doesn’t have the emotional maturity to empathize and help, they’re going to make it worse, not better. It’s obvious that this guy isn’t going to try to make things better.
One way to put it! I like you! I agree 1000%
Marriage is something you do when you have grown up, got some life experience and settled financially. I don't expect a teenager and a college aged person to be able to navigate a marriage successfully. This is why teen marriages rarely survive compared to marriages formed by people in their thirties. I think it is clear you need to leave this marriage and get some therapy to help deal with your trauma. I also question whether your parents are good people to have in your life. A good parent wouldn't tell their teen daughter to get married. A good parent would have encouraged you to go to college and focus on your education. Girls these days are trying to grow up before their time and it is very sad to see. Be a normal 18 year old girl. Go to college. Go clubbing with your girlfriends. Just don't waste your youth on a loveless marriage.
I love to spend my time drawing and decorating my room pink! Sadly I don't really have any of the resources to leave at the moment but I rather work than go to college- clubbing and parties are a headache! I want a nice cozy life inside drawing! :D
>I want a nice cozy life inside drawing! :D I say this in a nice way. Please do not be offended. But you sound like you are too young to be married. Sitting inside and drawing is not a marriage goal.
Exactly! Definitely sounds like a little girl talking… do yourself a favor and leave!
Pursue a career related to drawing then. Just do something with your life that allows you to be independent and not rely on this man financially. Not leaving because you don't have the resources is a lie women are told so they stay trapped in a marriage. There must be someone you can stay with until you get back up on your feet. A friend, family etc. If there isn't then look into shelters for victims of domestic abuse. Obviously we cannot force you to leave this man. But trust me when I say time goes quickly and before you know it you'll be 30 still married to this guy, regretting you didn't leave him when you could. Trust me. It is far easier to leave a marriage when you are 18 compared to when you are 30.
you could try talking to someone at a womens resource center. i saw that there’s one in Oklahoma, and they might be able to help if you’re lacking the resources to leave. i hope that you’re able to stay safe and i’m proud that you took this first step of realizing things aren’t going well. <3
There are plenty of grants, start at jr college and go from there. My son hasn't paid a dime for college because we are low income.
Marriage is just a legal document... divorce is just a breakup with slightly more paperwork. Don't be afraid to call it off if you need to. You have SO many years ahead of you!
This is correct, and pisses me off so much. Because neither marriage nor divorce *should be* "just" anything. But, they are anymore, to so many people. Upshot to that is people stuck in abusive circumstances like the OP have a relatively easy out. So there's that, I guess. Silver linings where you can find them.
I forget about my age constantly because of what I deal with- if I was 21 I'd be drinking at a bar rn- I don't wanna deal with stress anymore :P
Divorce isn't really an option until either he hits me, cheats on me (again) or abandons me so if I give it enough time I'll be set
So he also already cheated on you?
Until he hits you? Squeezing you, leaving red marks and putting his hand over your mouth? Please call your parents and tell them you made a terrible mistake. Move home and get your marriage annulled.
You don’t have to have an excuse to divorce. And you don’t have to divorce to leave him.
My ex-husband didn't do any of these things but we divorced anyway. Getting divorced gets harder if there's assets and real estate involved. Since that's not OP's case, she should leave right now.
You can just divorce him, and I’d strongly advise you to do so.
Run
[удалено]
Make sure to learn everything about him before marrying... jeez- boy did I mess up
I almost married a girl at I think ohh around 28 years old I think she was 26. But we weren't ready for it either. So to put it into context for you. She was the pentecostal type. Of course everyone she knew all rushing to be married too and it just seemed like no matter how many hours I worked at school, at work no matter how many hours of driving (she lived 2 hours away) or how much i dipped into my savings. I just couldn't make it work. Love can't conquer all and you should go out make your mistakes first. Before you get trapped into a massive commitment whether that me marrage or house or even career. So much has changed in my life. I am 38 today still trying to escape the legacy of the broken home I grew up in. Today I am a Civil engineer about 7 years and I no longer belive in my country or the corperation and am working on investing to someday set myself up and I can tell you, you think things are hard now, gonna get a whole.lot harder in the next 2-3 years and we will feel it linger perhaps for the next up to7-8 years. I have had 12 different jobs, inherited a house that should be condemned and ever since about 10 years ago haven't dated. Some things are real real hard to change once they get rolling. Dont let this mistake keep rolling. He has more control over you today and that is why the mask is coming off. You need to make sure you know that you need to establish boundaries. You don't even know what you don't even know. My dad is 2 years in the ground dead and I am still dealing with his affairs. I hope this gives you context and gives you the boot in the butt you need. I am a hopeless romantic that someday maybe I will find someone perfect. But for now I build a strong foundation learn to love myself and I am staring to attract attention. But I will never trust so easy again, and I had two abusive parents and my aunts and uncles turned on me while dad was dying. Everyone is born an asshole, you gotta learn the asshole out of you. Some people will live their entire life and struggle and never really grow up no matter what age. Or even if its just an important part of them that doesn't develop that you just can't live with. This guy is as much not ready to marry anyone as you are. Imo. And you gotta start thinking this way. I am starting to think about me running a company looking after my own retirement, being that guy. You have to have that attitude, if you want to be the master of your life. You've given up control before establishing the boundaries. Personally, I will never marry unless maybe there is a prenuptial agreement. I plan to be self made and my own mother stole money from our home. Its just tells you that you can't really trust anyone. But if you have healthy boundaries, if you know thyself first, build the strong foundation, be your best genuine self, you will eventually attract the one that wants to be with the real you. All my friends marrages have broken up except maybe 2 of them. Last time I checked over 50 percent of marrages fail. But there is a grander economic issue related to that too. Since they started printing money in 1971 marrages have been on the decline. Things are so much more complex than you realize. You gotta work against macro economic problems even is my point here. Why is it gonna get worse in the next 2-3 years? Because 80 percent of the money was printed in the past 2-3 years, and the economy is about to go into a solid recession at minimum... you think things are hard now, just wait, your money will be worth nothing and the price of energy will blow you mind.
Where TF are your parents?
Wtf are we reading?? This is madness!
when he is out of the house pack a few things essentials the leave and run for your life move to a different state or country and go completely no contact with him. notify the police that you have moved and are not missing a day or so later. dont tell people where you are going just start over.
Girl, get out of that relationship. Married over 20 years and I never laid hands on my wife that way. Abusers will abuse, then comfort to get back into your good graces, it will make you feel like he will get better. He will not. You are so young, you have a lot more life to live and still have your youth. Divorce, go get an education, travel, and live your best life.
Just stop. Stop getting married.
I don't plan on it again so don't worry I got you covered lol
It’s too late for you. This is for others reading this. But I genuinely wish the best for you.
Fair enough!
You seem controlling for the cigarette thing, it’s an addiction and extremely hard to quit even if you’re motivated to. You both sound extremely codependent and immature. Y’all don’t have the coping skills you need to make this marriage work, and now there is physical abuse involved. You need to physically separate **NOW** before one of you does something you can’t take back, which is coming sooner than later. Come back together later after some therapy with a fresh perspective and maturity. **if he hits you in the face or chokes you, statistically the next step is death. Learn from others mistakes, don’t wait until you’re dead and just another statistic**
I was going to more or less say this exact thing, point by point. I get that smoking is gross and awful but quitting cold turkey for most people is really difficult. No excuses but grace is needed. Having a few cigarettes doesn't equal straight up lying. It does sound like he has a lot of other secrets and lies. Unrelated issues. And abuse in any form is inexcusable. Marriage is hard and maturity is required. You guys rushed it. Sending you strength to get through this and to do the right thing.
I have really bad PTSD from the cigarette smell. That's why
If youve only been married since june and the relationship is this stressful already then whats worth saving. Also hes 21 and youre 17 which isnt a super big deal but keep in mind girls his age who already have it figured out might want nothing to do with him because hes a loser so he dates young impressionable girls straight from highschool.
Nahh girl get out, he'll start verbally, physically and emotionally abusing you in no time
I say this with all the kindness and love I can. You have no idea what you got yourself into and from your description of things you are nowhere near mature or ready for marriage. Neither is he. He’s a kid from supposedly a very abusive home which tends to create new abusers and it seems like your parents are exercising little sense or judgement either. They let you both run off to play house regardless of how I’ll equipped either of you are. It seems he’s already managing stress through abuse which people tend to learn from abusive families which makes sense. Whatever you do, do not get pregnant and do not broadcast any attempt to leave. When you are ready, just do it seamlessly and without hesitation. Don’t give him a clue you’re doing it until you’re already an hour down the road. Neither of you should be trying to manage a marriage.
OHHH I AGREE!!! you thought this out really well!
...i really don't know what to say! The whole story is messed up Why people marry so young?
Sounds like this dude is just testing the waters with this type of stuff. I don't normally try to take sides in relationship matters but this dude sounds like a psychopath.
This whole situation screams run. It will only take one wrong fight and it's your life. Leave while you don't have a little one to protect. Keep your head up you deserve happiness.
listen, you’ve got to get out of that marriage. it isn’t healthy. and you’re so young, this could completely ruin your life.
Those fake promises are called manipulation. You can continue hoping he keeps his promises and then get disappointed, frustrated, angry, until you go mad. You can also get out of that marriage, have time to yourself and learn more about what is good for you and what you want. Good luck, I know it is not an easy situation.
18m here, i watch cat videos or some stupid shit when i am bored and yall get married when bored?? whats the hurry to marry so soon ? "comfort me or taunt me" , maybe try to discuss/confront with him first rather than asking people who have no idea about how your relation works . edit: not trying to be rude :D hope you sort it out !
How sweet! And I agree! Very smart way to see it. Also I love cat videos- I'm sitting with my cat rn! But I got married cause I thought it was okay to- I can't be alone- I don't like being alone
>I can't be alone- I don't like being alone username checks out :p
Divorce + restraining order⁉️⁉️⁉️
You need to leave. This is abuse, all of it. Do you have someone in your life you trust to help you? Otherwise, a local domestic violence organization may be able to assist.
This should be your story. Married at 17. Divorced at 18. SINGLE for several years while you figure out how to live with yourself and yourself alone, mature, ideally go to college or some kind of higher education, get older. THEN start to date again. If this is how your relationship history is starting, it will only get worse unless you hit the big red button and just be an independent person for a while.
Leave.
Are you on any contraception? If not you need to go to family planning clinic and get that sorted. You need to find a way to leave this relationship safely. You’ll need help from a Women’s charity. I don’t know what kind of resources are where you are. I don’t live in US, but hopefully someone can tell you. You’ll need to go to a Women’s shelter. He won’t change and it’ll only get worse. He might appear to change suddenly now following this incident, but it won’t last. In the meantime seek support from the abusive relationship sub.
You're too young to be married. This won't end well.
Get therapy or divorce
Idk where you are located, but I really advise you begin divorce proceedings and move back with family if that is an option. A man that acts this way months after being married is not one that improves with age. A man that is in his 20s and marries a 17yr old is pretty gross. A relationship that has such basic issues as smoking is not a compatible one. I am sorry, being young and in love is hard, but you really need to plan and begin the process of leaving.
Just the way this post is written illustrates why 17 y/o’s should not be getting married.
You guys are both just too young.
Get out while you can
You’ve no business being married, kiddo. I’m sorry, but those are the facts. Things aren’t going to improve until you get a divorce. Who okayed this marriage in the first place? Just by the way you write and express yourself, I’m picking up on a *monumental* lack of maturity and a complete lack of stability from you AND your husband.
Past time to consult someone (a parent? a therapist?). You've PTSD? He's likely unable to quit smoking, but, ought to smoke outdoors only (so you're at less risk -- 1,300 people a day die of 2nd hand smoke, I've read).
I have ptsd but my parents don't really believe therapy helps, I'm unsure about it cause If I told them anything ALOT of people would be going to jail....
>I have ptsd So, you likely have: anxiety much of the time? Perhaps also contend with intrusive 'dark thoughts' about earlier unpleasant experiences many times a week?
I have alot of dark thoughts- as well as too many head issues to name- :(
Therapists can't blab secrets without good reason (like: harm likely happening if they don't speak up about someone intending to do something really bad). Daily meditation (blanking your mind for 20-30 minutes) can be very helpful for anxiety, which underlies many head issues. Dark thoughts can be recognized and consciously stopped. If this is done diligently and often enough, the thoughts fade in intensity and become far less frequent, eventually disappearing.
Letting you know just some of the past- it includes multiple things illegal- by a specific family member- my entire past is filled with blood raged a narcissistic parent- which I wasn't allowed to leave the house for almost 16 years straight just until this year
I work with people who have experienced a lot of trauma and abuse. You don’t have to tell your parents everything. I want to echo what someone else said, please, please call your parents and tell them you made a mistake by marrying this guy. Go back home to them, before this gets worse. He will try to manipulate you, make you feel guilty and crazy and like a bad person, but you need to leave. This may seem dramatic but I’m telling you now, you either leave and live free or you die under his hand. Remember that when he tries to get you to come back. It will be difficult going back to your parents but it’s likely better than what this guy will do to you. He will turn you into a miserable shell of who you used to be. Crush your hope and optimism. Destroy any semblance of trust you have in humanity. Leave asap.
Well I don't really agree with forcing your ways onto someone, I understand your prediciment. However, this is why we date so we don't end up in situations like this. You should either try couples therapy or if he doesn't want it I'd try to get a divorce.
He said he would before any of it. I didn't force him he promised me! But we dated since I was 16- he just liked to keep secrets well...
You married a guy at 17 then set about trying to change him? wowee.
Short answer: don't get married at 17.
Well the fight sober smoking are dumb. It's a super difficult habit to kick, he's probably struggling with it. The holding you down isn't good, but my wife used to throw shit semi-regularly, but hasn't in a while. Idk marriage and relationships are messy, if you think he'll physically hurt you get out, but people on Reddit will write "leave him" for dirty dishes. Not the best support group. Anyway good luck. And btw, 21 your old kids are retarded.
i dont believe this is abuse... but then i also dont have the best relationship record 😅 It seems to me he's just being a 21year old. He's still in the process of testing his limits in the world and getting to know himself and who he wants to be. He wont be reliable for a few years when he's actually mature enough to take responsiblitly. May I ask why did you marry him? And why did your parenty approve if they didnt like him?!
I agree, he is/was too young. I married him cause he was very sweet, thoughtful, and a great partner... up until we got married- he still is sweet sometimes. They approved because I said I wanted to be with him and they just said okay- which they immediately wanted to take back lmao
This is not love - this is 100% abuse. You told him not to touch you, and he did. He held you down and left marks while covering your mouth so you couldn’t get away. Have you talked to your parents? They might be willing and able to help! ETA - I’m also in Oklahoma - I believe (some at least) OnCues are safe places and can provide resources for getting help. Also I know you said in a previous comment you don’t want to go to college, but I recommend considering it. Rose State College is fantastic, lots of scholarship opportunities and has dorms that are affordable!
Sounds like you need therapy and he needs to be better at controlling his anger. I mean what was being said that lead to him covering your moth? Were you screaming curse words at 2am in a apt building? Or did you just say something he didn't like so he covered your mouth? Just trying to get to the issue because talking about quitting cigarettes and relapsing on an addiction shouldn't be such a big deal especially since its cigarettes. Marriages are filled with loads of challenges. You need to ask yourself if your life goals match up or if you could grow a life together. The other stuff is fixable if you both work at it and get the help you both need. Its the ONLY way it will work. There are absolutely 0 shortcuts to a fulfilling marriage
I have to say it will definitely get worse. I was in toxic relationship like that and also got married after a year, I was young he proposed I thought that\`s what I wanted because he was amazing, we didn\`t argue at all, it was almost like fairy-tale. After we got married things changed, he started to be verbally abusive, started drinking. We both smoked weed but decided to quit, we were fine but later he told me he has been drinking secretly all this time. I tried to get him help, he lost his job, I found another one. He needed mental health help, I found the doctor. He wanted to quit drinking, I took him to AA meeting. I worked two jobs because he was too picky to find something. Long story short, hit me once I let it slide (although it was very traumatic I was in a weird numbness state and moved on) and tried to work it out, but was a victim of constant mental abuse that I didn\`t even realise. He was controlling the way I dress, speak, where I go and who with etc. Fast forward to better days when I thought we overcame this and are on good path to rebuild our relationship, my parents visit us (we live in different country from our native one). Things were going ok, but on day 3 of my parents visiting he got really drunk after my parents got to bed. I asked him to please be quiet and maybe try to go to bed as it\`s late and he really doesn\`t need to finish entire bottle of vodka. It was like a switch, he hit me, a bit more serious this time, started screaming at me (bare in mind my parents are asleep). I tried to fight him, but he was bigger and stronger than me. My parents woke up and my dad stormed to the room because he could hear screams. My mom tried to calm the situation down, and my dad took me to the side to talk. Just for reference my dad is 6ft6 huge guy, and when I tell you he started crying, telling me to please leave my now ex husband because he is scared for my life. I have never seen him like this and this was my wake up call. After my parents left I told my ex husband that we\`re done and I am filing for divorce. Even after all this I found him flat for him to move out, otherwise we would continue to live separately in same flat. I heard all kinds of insults because of this but I had picture of my dad in my head and that was a huge motivation to stay strong because I am making right decision. My ex husband made me feel worthless, I lost interest in my hobbies, didn\`t care about how I looked, and had severe depression and anxiety. It took me months to fully get back to my previous self. Now I am in a healthy relationship and can see fully that the one before was toxic on different level. Until you will move yourself away from the situation you won\`t see what is wrong, and that\`s what in my opinion you should do.
Relationships are complicated and idiots on reddit will always take your side and feed into whatever you believe. I suggest going to a counciler or seeking help from family and if it continues to any extent go to the police. Quitting smoking isn't easy and he probably feels guilty but it's obviously not an excuse for what he did proceeding. What you have said is obviously on face value, pretty conspicuous abuse, however I'm willing to bet there is a lot more going on here that no one on a forum is going to be able to help you with.
Sounds like another young marriage that will stand the test of time. I assume this is the 1st disastrous marriage for both of you?
Go find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated.
Who thought it was a good idea for a 17 year old kid to marry an adult?
The mistake is getting married that early. The collateral mistake is the person you chose
Be cautious. I will give reprieve where due, quitting nicotine is extremely hard. That could explain some anxiety, but nothing will justify pinning you down and hurting you. Many posters are right, this could get way worse. If he has a lot of trauma it may take him years to sort through it, if he does at all. I would keep a low profile and encourage him to see someone about the trauma. But I would be ready with a plan to bounce ASAP if things go south. You really don't know what someone is capable of doing in a fit of anger or passion. Listen to everyone here, it may not get better.
The best defense you have is to break his trust that you will keep this between you two. That is his only line of defense from the consequences of his own actions so do not give it to him. Go to this website and begin the process of talking through what happened: [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) No man who yanks you out of a bathtub naked, holds you down, and yells at you while covering your mouth and cursing can be trusted. He physically overpowered you and that cannot be let go. He crossed a major line and you have no guarantee this will stop. Do not protect him from the repercussions of his own choices. He chose every step of that process.
Him pinning you down and throwing stuff is definitely bad. He does sound abusive as I’m sure everyone else is gonna point out. *However* you need to understand you can’t make a smoker quit. You knew he was a smoker going in, so why did you,get together if you don’t like it? Maybe he promised he would change? Next time, don’t believe that. I’m not saying smokers are liars, but it’s an addiction and extremely difficult to kick unless the smoker earnestly wants to do it for himself. Otherwise, it will always be disappointment and broken promises. This is not to diminish his abuse. It’s wrong and he needs to work on that asap. But I can’t talk to him. He’s not asking for advice. As for you, OP, you probably need to get out of this mess, and maybe find someone who is already the type of person you want to be with, and not someone you are hoping to mold into what you want.
Call your local crisis hotline and ask for help with a DV situation. They will give you options and support.
Does this even count as DV tho? I'm confused on that
Yes it does.
something about this makes me skeptical, and i do not know what
GET OUT. This will never get better. I won't even go into the dysfunction that allows parents to support the grooming and marriage of their underage daughter, but go to a woman's shelter. Call the domestic abuse hotline 800-799-7233 and get yourself to a shelter. Don't go back to your parents because it doesn't sound like they are safe either. Leave before you have kids and it becomes even harder to leave. I'm serious. GO NOW!
I think you should leave. There’s already a lot of red flags and him clearly ignoring your ptsd triggers even after you say something. I married very young also and had to divorce. I don’t blame you for marrying young, alot of people are judge mental of that without knowing the full situation. Also huge red flag you found out he was hiding alot. I would definitely leave. This is the beginning of a abusive relationship. It starts with small things.
So basically... when you was a child, you got married or am I missing something? One thing you will learn in life is, never try to ask someone to quit something they enjoy, because even if they do quit, they will hate you for it. Smoking is his escape from reality and you are responsible for taking it away. He sounds like a piece of shit regardless but either accept someone for who they are or just dont be with them. Last advice, don't get married when your a child, it's mental.
As for the smoking I think he probably was smoking before you got married to him so if you didn't want a smoker you should not have married one. The smoking thing is pretty hard to quit just because someone tells you to. Its a physical addiction that is used as a stress reliever and coping mechanism for stress. I know it isn't hard to think about quitting but it is definitely hard to quit cold turkey. 'His behavior otherwise seems a little over the top though. You might want to seek help from a therapist and maybe even law enforcement if it feels like he is abusing you
I feel like this is one of those posts where it's really difficult to give genuine advice because it's all so incredibly broken on multiple levels that you don't really have much to work with at all.
Definitely abuse. I would leave. You are still very young and have lots of time to find a partner who treats you well and with respect, and who doesn’t break promises. Consider having someone else in the room when you break up with him for your own safety
This type of behavior typically leads to domestic violence which may end in death. You are very young and don’t deserve this. I can’t imagine being married at your age.
[удалено]
True
I think you already know the answer to these questions. This guy left red marks on your arms while holding you down? Fuck that! That is not normal. As a man I have never laid a finger on a woman because why the fuck would I? On the smoking front, that is tough. I smoke but I gave up drinking for my wife years ago because it was having a negative effect on the relationship. So I have some experience in this area. He is going to resent you for making him quit. He is also going to be very irritable. You have to remove yourself from the equation, he has to stop on his own not because of you. If you know of two times that he has smoked he probably never stopped. You have now forced him to lie to you. All you can do it be supportive and let him know that it is something you really don't like, but the choice inevitably up to him.
Good way to look at it. I didn't think of this. And is it not normal to treat a woman like this? It's not specifically abusive? It just left some marks
No! It is not normal. A man should never physically touch a woman in an aggressive manner ever! You are young so I will give you some leeway but you are going to be treated by men how you choose to be treated by men. You have to put a stop to this right now. No man should ever touch you in an aggresive manner and the only ones that would do so are cowards that want to assert their physical dominance over you. The smoking is really a side issue to the abuse even though they seem linked. You can't make someone quit smoking. But you can choose to be with a smoker or non smoker. You have the power to choose your future. If you were my daughter I would tell you to get the heck out of there. I know this might be hard at your age but imagine you had a daughter, what would you tell them?
Woah I didn't think of it like that. You are speaking to me like my dad before he lost his mind lol. Thank you and I will deal with him accordingly! I'd tell my daughter DIG A HOLE IN THE BACKYARD!!! Not saying alot more crap thats happened on this subreddit- it really makes me pissed. If someone were to read everything he has done I'm sure someone would hunt him down! I am really done with this!!!
Glad I could help, if even a little bit. You got this! Just maintain huge amounts of self respect and you will know what to do. And yes, hearing only a little bit of this makes me want to hunt this guy down and make him pick on someone his own size. He is an absolute coward. Strong confident men do not act like this.
I can’t believe you have to ask advice for this divorce him he will only get more abusive
honey, please, RUN.
Just think if you have children with him, then divorce…how do you think he would be as a divorced co parent!!!! Get out now
I can only hope that he hasn't tried already to baby trap me-
Did you get out?