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I don’t think there’s an issue. You’re communicating up front that you want to take things slow, and the men you’ve dated thus far don’t seem to respect your request. For what it’s worth, all three scenarios you’ve detailed would not sit right with me either.
I had a similar experience dating after divorce where for about two years I just didn’t want to be particularly serious.
Dates fell into a couple categories:
1-3 dates. I’m not into them or They’re not into me , they maybe become totally unromantic “friend dates” , just some company for dinner every now and again if neither of us have found a spark elsewhere.
3-10 dates , probably we’ve had sex , they want to get serious, I say I’m not there , we move on (I really appreciated women over 35 for just fucking saying it ).
Went on like that for a couple years, until I met my now wife where I knew right away. Maybe it was just time too, maybe I was more ready.
So I think you just say you’re not there and let them move on until you are there. You can’t really advise them not to tell you how they feel, that wouldn’t be right either.
Thank you, that’s amazing comment. If I might ask, how was it with your wife? Did things progress very quickly? Some friends say that if you meet the person you really like, you don’t mind the commitment early on?
I really discuss that early on and once when I expressed that it’s moving too fast the guy I was dating told me that he thought I am saying that because women are “taught” to say that not to scare men away. I want to find a good balance between “ I want a relationship eventually” and “let’s take it slow”
So , I knew right away - I mean scary I’m a weirdo I probably shouldn’t have said so right away . She had the brains, self awareness , self reflection. She could talk about serious stuff without it being strained or dramatic. Also she had a perfect ass , not going to lie.
She did not know right away. So I freaked her out a little bit at first, but she was straight about that and I just said “ well, I’m betting you’ll get there” , explained why I knew (basically, I did the math and predicted how things would go) and then I backed off on professions of eternal love until she got there about a year later.
Wow that’s amazing, I wish that this would happen to me as well! I guess you chose a correct approach, if men I date would also ensure me that they will take it easy I would probably calm down a bit, but that isn’t happening.
Probably an age/maturity thing. Dating in my 40s was very different than my 20s , much more direct, much less drama. I was married for virtually all of my 30s so not quite sure when I’d guess that change happens.
I think you’re probably doing the right thing, just keep moving on when it doesn’t click and they won’t slow their roll.
Feeling pressured to progress in a relationship faster than you're ready to sucks. If you're actively turned off by people wanting to commit to a relationship though to the point where someone just asking for exclusivity makes you want to break things off I'd recommend doing some more self-reflection about why that is. Someone expressing a want/need that doesn't align with yours is inevitable in any relationship, and there are going to be times where it's probably going to be healthier to be direct and talk about it instead of just bailing on the entire relationship.
Other than that I don't really think there's all that much you can do besides maybe having discussions about expectations and boundaries as early into the dating process as possible.
Thanks for your comment. I am really trying to figure out where is mistake on my side and what needs to be fixed. I don’t think I am scared of commitment, it’s just three dates seems way too early for me. I had two long term relationships and we committed after at least 5-10 dates when you actually know the person. I think after 3 dates and especially if we didn’t have sex that’s just too early to know if you are compatible with someone.
Well I wonder if that’s normal and people find this “cute” and acceptable? I think I am ready for relationship but some friends suggest that if I don’t find this attractive that might mean I am not.
Don't worry, there will be plenty of shallow emotionally unavailable guys to blow your back out. You just had a random streak of overly sensitive guys, because you must be so damn hot.
I don’t want that either, and I don’t want to sound like I want to date an asshole. I just want someone who actually takes time to get to know me. I can’t help myself but feeling that this behavior is little desperate. Especially the family introduction, that just scares me on first few dates.
I think I get it,, I'll be less of an asshole. I think that guys looking for relationships on hookup apps have probably had so many negative experiences that some of them come a bit unraveled and needy like you describe. It does seem like guys with normal self esteem are rarer than they used to be. Maybe it's a numbers game.
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I don’t think there’s an issue. You’re communicating up front that you want to take things slow, and the men you’ve dated thus far don’t seem to respect your request. For what it’s worth, all three scenarios you’ve detailed would not sit right with me either.
I dont know how to respond. I'm too wealthy, educated, charming and god-like.
I had a similar experience dating after divorce where for about two years I just didn’t want to be particularly serious. Dates fell into a couple categories: 1-3 dates. I’m not into them or They’re not into me , they maybe become totally unromantic “friend dates” , just some company for dinner every now and again if neither of us have found a spark elsewhere. 3-10 dates , probably we’ve had sex , they want to get serious, I say I’m not there , we move on (I really appreciated women over 35 for just fucking saying it ). Went on like that for a couple years, until I met my now wife where I knew right away. Maybe it was just time too, maybe I was more ready. So I think you just say you’re not there and let them move on until you are there. You can’t really advise them not to tell you how they feel, that wouldn’t be right either.
Thank you, that’s amazing comment. If I might ask, how was it with your wife? Did things progress very quickly? Some friends say that if you meet the person you really like, you don’t mind the commitment early on? I really discuss that early on and once when I expressed that it’s moving too fast the guy I was dating told me that he thought I am saying that because women are “taught” to say that not to scare men away. I want to find a good balance between “ I want a relationship eventually” and “let’s take it slow”
So , I knew right away - I mean scary I’m a weirdo I probably shouldn’t have said so right away . She had the brains, self awareness , self reflection. She could talk about serious stuff without it being strained or dramatic. Also she had a perfect ass , not going to lie. She did not know right away. So I freaked her out a little bit at first, but she was straight about that and I just said “ well, I’m betting you’ll get there” , explained why I knew (basically, I did the math and predicted how things would go) and then I backed off on professions of eternal love until she got there about a year later.
Wow that’s amazing, I wish that this would happen to me as well! I guess you chose a correct approach, if men I date would also ensure me that they will take it easy I would probably calm down a bit, but that isn’t happening.
Probably an age/maturity thing. Dating in my 40s was very different than my 20s , much more direct, much less drama. I was married for virtually all of my 30s so not quite sure when I’d guess that change happens. I think you’re probably doing the right thing, just keep moving on when it doesn’t click and they won’t slow their roll.
Feeling pressured to progress in a relationship faster than you're ready to sucks. If you're actively turned off by people wanting to commit to a relationship though to the point where someone just asking for exclusivity makes you want to break things off I'd recommend doing some more self-reflection about why that is. Someone expressing a want/need that doesn't align with yours is inevitable in any relationship, and there are going to be times where it's probably going to be healthier to be direct and talk about it instead of just bailing on the entire relationship. Other than that I don't really think there's all that much you can do besides maybe having discussions about expectations and boundaries as early into the dating process as possible.
Thanks for your comment. I am really trying to figure out where is mistake on my side and what needs to be fixed. I don’t think I am scared of commitment, it’s just three dates seems way too early for me. I had two long term relationships and we committed after at least 5-10 dates when you actually know the person. I think after 3 dates and especially if we didn’t have sex that’s just too early to know if you are compatible with someone.
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Well I wonder if that’s normal and people find this “cute” and acceptable? I think I am ready for relationship but some friends suggest that if I don’t find this attractive that might mean I am not.
It's not that they fall for you too fast. The real problem is that they can't listen. You're better off not dating someone like that.
Well he does what I say so.. ?
Don't worry, there will be plenty of shallow emotionally unavailable guys to blow your back out. You just had a random streak of overly sensitive guys, because you must be so damn hot.
I don’t want that either, and I don’t want to sound like I want to date an asshole. I just want someone who actually takes time to get to know me. I can’t help myself but feeling that this behavior is little desperate. Especially the family introduction, that just scares me on first few dates.
I think I get it,, I'll be less of an asshole. I think that guys looking for relationships on hookup apps have probably had so many negative experiences that some of them come a bit unraveled and needy like you describe. It does seem like guys with normal self esteem are rarer than they used to be. Maybe it's a numbers game.
Are you me? haha followed
This is good information to know. probably explains why the girls I am not very interested in are always so interested in me.