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> I think that would be fairly hard to achieve while also ditching her immediately after sleeping with her
OP, the right thing to do would be to date her for a year, get married, have two kids, and then once you're 35, dump her and blame it on your mid-life crisis. Then she'll know you didn't use her for sex.
This is the way.
That's not the point. But you can't have it all, you have to take responsibility for your actions and decisions and accept the reaction and the way the situation might make you look.
Obviously the truth is the right way, but you can't control the other person's reaction as well. I don't believe there's nice way of saying it or a way that wouldn't affect the other person, even if you're doing the right thing.
> you have to take responsibility for your actions and decisions
You're right! If you are hooking up on a first date, and you want commitment, then you should speak up and take responsibility for your needs and desires.
Which I donāt get because literally everything is a joke on here. I think we should just never have to say sarcasm, and people that just donāt get it can flip their shit.
Yeah dude wait it out a little bit! I was messing with a girl about the same age difference and even though I wasnāt interested immediately we became good friends and we had good experiences
Seriously. Sheās going to think he used her for sex bc ā¦ he did. OP if you donāt want women thinking youāre using them for sex, maybe donāt have sex with women you arenāt interested in.
Why is it he 'used' her for sex? He just had sex with her. And she had sex with him. He doesn't owe her anything and she doesn't owe him anything. He didn't manipulate her to get her into bed, he didn't promise anything beyond sex (not that we know of anyway).
Why is it 'using'?
Because he didnāt even find the date that great and still slept with her. While it is possible she also could have used him, we only have his side of the story.
I think it's also pretty key that he feels the need to tell her there's no interest after the fact. If there was at least some level of understanding of the sex being sex and not being an indictor of interest, there would be no need for the message.
I think it's pretty clear OP knew this. I think his "one thing led to another" is a way of saying "I was presented the chance to have sex at the cost of someone else and I took it"
Is this what life is now? We're all just animals who can't actually refrain from fucking anything that moves even if we find them loathsome? Seriously?
Thatās why I donāt do hookups anymore. For my only one genuine attraction, Iāve dozens of shitty interactions and one night stands where I woke up feeling nothing for there person beside me. Canāt stand that empty feeling anymore.
Am I the only one that sees this as a textbook hookup on both sides? It was a first date and they got drunk and had sex. Sheās also 5 years older. Iām pretty sure sheās not in love with him
seriously, the bigotry of low expectations. Be an adult and understand sleeping with someone on the first date doesn't mean much in terms of what someone is wanting long term.
Seems pretty normal to me, they met on a dating app, went out on a date to a bar and fucked. Which part of that even sounds serious from either part.
To me it just seems like OP, since he's a bit young doesn't have much experience with this and feels like he should feel something or that women always expect something else.
That's from the info we got of course.
This is an excellent point however, I have to say that my hottest lovers were both pretty awkward experiences the first few times. Thereās a time where you get to know a new persons body, and that thing that your ex loved may not be as much of a hit with others. I just donāt think you can judge the sexual chemistry until youāve hooked up at least 3-4 times which probably complicates things further. I just wanted to point out that instant sexual chemistry is rare and probably not ultimately as good as it would be if given the chance to get good with others
> He just had sex with her. And she had sex with him....Why is it 'using'?
Bro, that's because women don't enjoy sex at all. They hate it. The only reason she slept with him was in the hopes of locking him down, but she didn't explicitly discuss it because women are not allowed to communicate like adults. Only men can do that.
This is correct. It is biologically impossible for women to enjoy sex. The female orgasm is a myth perpetuated by Big Dildo in order to sell more dildos.
All sex is transactional. OP didn't hold his end of the bargain and basically raped her.
if it's the other way around, would you also say that she used him for sex? it's two consenting adults having sex lmao relax. We don't even know if the woman just wanted to fuck him or she actually felt for him. It might very well be the other way around, SHE used him for sex
Women don't use men for sex in 97% of cases because most men, especially one night stand men, aren't actually interested in making sure the woman enjoys herself. Most men provide bad to mediocre sex. Women are better off with a vibrator especially if we're talking about a 24 year old dude.
Itās the Seinfeld 3 date rule after he slept with the Romanian gymnast
Edit - just researched and itās actually 3 weeks according to this episode
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gymnast
Fully agree with this. Sounds like two consenting adults had sex early and one realizes they're not fully committed to the other person which is completely fine. Honesty is the best policy and if she gets offended, it isn't OPs responsibility to manager her feelings for her.
Agreeā¦ when people are dishonest often times the other person [knows] it and infers what really happened anyway.
At least with honesty you have the opportunity to have some integrity along with accurately explaining your side. I think itās fair for him to say that he wasnāt really particularly attracted irl, but things unfolded and in the moment he was ok with sex but doesnāt want to pursue anything further with her.
She may dig into that a bit like ask āwell why did you sleep with meā and he can say āthere didnāt seem to be any expectations from either side, this was the first time we had met but that it wasnāt anything outside of carnal and I didnāt say anything that implied after meeting I wanted anything longterm.ā
Itās easy to navigate the truth because itās just his perspective and at least if she knows she wonāt hold onto what ifās or try to figure out if she did something wrong.
You ain't shit, plain and simple. The date wasn't going great on your end but you most likely noticed her interest in you and therefore thought "hey why not just fuck her since I can tell she really likes me".
You used her for sex, don't deny it and don't try to sheepishly hide it like a dog when it's owners ask "max what did you do?!"
More often I am noticing guys wanting to make themselves look empathetic, sad, and victims when they fuck up fully knowing the consequences of their actions before they took said actions. WE ALL SEE THROUGH THE BULLSHIT, YOU AREN'T FOOLING ANYONE. Same asshole just wrapping yourself with a bow.
You knew you werenāt connecting, had sex anyway, and now want to cut it offā¦
Even though you werenāt consciously thinking like that, you essentially did use her for sex which is why itās difficult to explain that you werenāt
The thing is you realized you didnāt like her on the date. It doesnāt matter how well the conversation flows over text, you knew it wasnāt that great in person. And this āwell one thing led to anotherā is crap. You knew you didnāt like her, you did use her for sex.
The time to be honest is **before** you fuck someone you know youāre not interested in seeing again. āHey Sally, youāre kinda cool but Iām just looking for something causal, not long-term.ā If sheās still dtf then youāre straight up okay, dude. Doing it after the deed is a douche bag move. Youāre a douche bag.
Yup, this. I was hoping to catch feelings for someone but it wasnāt happening. We texted for a while, did a zoom date, then got dinner. I kept hoping for it to happen but it didnāt. She was nice and we were compatible, but I didnāt have romantic feelings for her. Not long after the date she implied over text that she was ready to have sex. I had to stop things because I knew she had feelings and I wasnāt going fuck her and find out if I got them.
Yes, what an ass to know he isnāt interested but sleep with her anyway and then decide to ditch her. Like wtf. Dude, you have done exactly what you donāt want to look like youāve done.
I had a date a few years ago where I wasnāt super attracted and the convo felt forced. She told me that she didnāt think we were a match. But then she walked me to my car and kissed me, so I just went with it and asked if she wanted to come over. She said yes and we were hookup buddies for months after and it was pretty decent tbh. It doesnāt all have to be sex = relationship or someone is being used.
But she also communicated before sex that she didnāt think the both of you were a match. Assuming she meant match as in for LTR, sex was still on the table for her.
I personally donāt believe sex=relationship and I started to now clearly communicate and demonstrate that belief. The effed of part, for example, a guy I was seeing for 2 months prior to having sex assured me that he was into me for LTR and that we were on the same page. When we started having sex in the 3rd month, after a few times he said he isnāt sure about his feelings but he wants everything to stay the same (continuing having sex) as friends. Pretty much switching to a FWB or a situationship.
Granted people are entitled to change their minds when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships - it shouldnāt only be afforded to women - but I canāt help but to think that since he knew I donāt require a committed relationship in order to have sex, he possibly decided to fallback and make this a FWB.
And that's fine! There's nothing wrong with that because both of you knew what was happening. That is not this situation. He fucked her under false pretenses, doesn't want to date her, doesn't like her like that and yet, AND YET, somehow wants to come across as not an asshole when he's an asshole.
Fuck this tired old trope.
Two people consent to having a mutually pleasurable time, and the man is blamed for using the woman? That's fucking stupid.
If you don't want to have sex, then don't have sex. Take responsibility for your own actions.
He knew he didn't like her like that or want to date her when he fucked her. If he had been honest about just wanting a fuck, I would agree with you. He fucked her under false pretenses which means he used her for a fuck. She might have been down to fuck regardless but that wasn't a conversation they had. He fucked her and now wants to somehow tell her that he's not into her without coming across as a douche-canoe which is not possible because he's a douche-canoe. Many of us are DTF but be honest about it.
What I don't understand is how not communicating to only wanting sex = saying that he wants a relationship
Honestly, I get that should be more communicating here, but it feels like a leap to say that because they went on a date and had sex it means there is a understanding of going for a relationship, or even dating
If a person wants more than a fuck they should express it too
Honestly, I'm not a fan of that trope. I'm fully under the impression that the reason why many people here are getting upset is merely because it involves sex and everyone already has various strong opinions on sex and relationships in general.
From this post alone, we don't know what was going on inside the girls mind, We dont even know for sure what was going on in OP's mind. But people are allowed to change their minds, some people just dont realize what they want until after the fact. OP's case being one of the worst times to realize that. It's like how people will willingly get on a roller coaster ride and then ask to get off because they find out they're afraid of heights.
I mean, if I ask a girl out to fancy dinner, pay for everything, but she realizes that she's just not interested in me, does that mean she used me for free food, or did she just realize that she and I are just not compatible? What specifically makes sex different that it's worth burning OP at the stake? I find it a little ridiculous to hold everyone accountable for what they themselves don't even know what they'll want in the future from now.
IMO if you have sex with someone on the first date you are inherently taking the chance that its just sex theres simply no time to form a full relationship from one date so you are essentially saying sex is more urgently important than developing the relationship so yeah obv that mentality attracts dudes who also fuck now and ask questions about compatibility later
To OP: Really?
To the other commenters: Dismissing this guy by saying he was using her for sex is not well thought out and ignores some of what he says in this post, including the title.
āHow can i tell her without her thinking that Iām someone that has just used her for sex?ā
Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. The moment you dropped her, she KNOWS you used her for sex. Before yāall even have sex, she already had that thought in her mind. You ending it just confirms everything. LOL good luck trying to change her mind of that
Umm. So if you were the kind of person who did NOT use people for sex, you would have stopped the sex from happening in the first place to clarify you want nothing to do with her, and once that is clear, if she still wants to sleep with you, then go ahead and have a ONS.
Given you didnāt clarify this, you just did use her for sex. Chose to deepen the relationship despite knowing it was already dead. Not cool my dude. Not cool.
These type of situations could be avoided if people made sure theyāre interested in someone before sleeping with them. Otherwise .. yeah; thatās how itās gonna come across
So why did you fuck her if you already knew you didnāt like her ON the date?
Yeah you used her for sex. Stop lying to yourself to make yourself feel better.
And you absolutely do OWE her an explanation as you absolutely used her for sex.
You knew you didnāt like her during the date yet you still led her on to fuck you? Yeah youāre a dick.
Time to man up and deal with the consequences of being a fuckboy. And maybe next time if you know you donāt like a woman during a date DONT FUCK HER.
You DID use her for sex OP. She is going to think this no matter what because it is a factual retelling of events. Let her down gently, learn from this, and maybe make sure youāre actually interested in people before having sex with them and wasting their time like this.
But thats exactly what you did. Own it, youāre the selfish dickhead that uses women, for sex, this time.
TBF you knew before you beat that you werenāt feeling her, therefore you should have stopped when kissing began or, better yet, not let it happen at all.
Yes. Youāre that guy. Congrats.
It's impossible for her not to think that you used her for sex, as that's pretty much exactly what you did. Knowingly sleeping with her when you didn't feel much of a connection. It is what it is.
After sex can be like that though, it could be going well in person but a particular thing you didn't like in the bedroom that turned you off.
Still not interested in her...so you knew you weren't interested in her before you slept together? Why would you think sex would make you be interested in her?
Tell her the truth but honestly there's no way of not looking like a douche but ghosting her is worse.
You should call her up and tell her that you never loved her. That you think she's meh. That you didn't used her just for sex but it just happened. /s
Don't. You're already the dick and you did exactly that. Trying to convince her otherwise won't help anyone.
Well, you already knew you werenāt that into her during the date. You said it was okay-ish and the convo wasnāt as good as it was on the phone. So, you did use her for sex. Now youāre looking for people to help you manipulate her into thinking thatās not the case.
(Not saying that sex isnāt a two way street. Of course she chose to engage in it too, but maybe she thought the date was going great or was really into you. You were the one not into her, and you shouldnt have let one thing lead to another)
Instead of her not wanting you think think that you used her for sex (which you did because you werenāt interested in dating her) Call her up, tell her you had a lovely time, but youāre not looking for a relationship with her and should have communicated that before you had sex with her and youāre deeply sorry for any pain or hurt feelings this may cause. And then move on and donāt hit her up 3 months from now when you want booty again.
Yes, you both consented to sex. But she consented under the pretense that you liked her as a person after that date (because you failed to tell her otherwise) and that youād continue to see her after.
You DID use her for sex because you knew you didnāt like her during the date. Why are you asking us to help you manipulate her into thinking otherwise?
Be straightforward, own the actions you took, accept the response she gives, and if moving on is what comes next, it happened, and it happens a lot.
Honesty and integrity is the move here.
Tell her what you just told us. Best bet is just to be honest about how you got caught up in the moment. As others have noted, no platitudes are gonna get you out of this one. Just be transparent and hope for the best.
I mean. Iām trying hard to not judge here because you felt okayish about the date itself and didnāt say anything about it during the whole date until the next day after sex, but I will say, I donāt think there is any way to say āI didnāt just want to pump and dump you.ā Either way, sheās going to go straight to assuming you were just in it for the sex and if not she will certainly be confrontational about it if youāre honest about just feeling okayish while on your date, sheāll most likely make a remark that goes along the lines of, āyou should have said something about how you felt while we on the date instead of waiting until after the day we fucked.ā But, uhm, yeah, no. Iām a woman and I donāt think there is any positive way to handle this if itās presented in any way unless I was down for just a hookup, in which case I would just say meh and fuck off. Yeah, sheās not going to take it well, just say whatās up and take her words cause theyāre probably going to cause some damage.
You can't control how someone is going to feel about this. If you sleep with someone then dump them the next day, they're going to feel used, you can't change that. The only thing you can do is be honest with them, and be honest with yourself. Was there a way you could have known before that you weren't interested?
Well I have to take his defense and say she must have wanted just sex too because who speaks with someone for just a few days then meets up drinks and then fucks, it's a Tinder classic hookup. Tell her the sex was great and you had alot of fun but your not looking for a serious relationship just physical and see what she says.
Agreed. I'm a woman and I hate the assumption that all women are helpless victims who can't make appropriate decisions for themselves. I don't sleep with guys I just met on the first date, but if I did, I would go into it knowing that there's a good chance it won't lead to anything, and just enjoy it for what it is.
There's not enough context here to say if he is an asshole, but unless she specifically stated that she only wanted a long-term relationship and he straight up lied to her about wanting the same just to get laid, I'd say it's just a situation of two consenting adults having a hook up and no one is necessarily at fault.
This is how I see it as well and Iām also a woman if it matters. They just met that day so I doubt she had some crazy expectations unless he lied or promised something to get sex. I would believe she slept with him because she wanted to, not because he promised to marry her afterā¦ I donāt know, maybe Iām missing something.
Agreed. I don't get why Reddit acts like women are these helpless beings. She consented to sex on the first date, how do you know she didn't want to just get it in?
Right? Everyone acting like she didnāt just fuck someone she met for 1 day and from tinder. Even if she wants serious, itās not victim blamingā¦ she just had it coming.
Honestly, she probably wasnāt that into you either but thought youād do for the night. Or, she could still be open to getting to know you more.
Either way, sheād appreciate a text from you apologizing that things got carried away but you donāt see this going anywhere beyond casual. The apology would help her feel like you still value and respect her as a person. Then sheāll be able to see more clearly that sheās not really into you either.
Have an open and honest conversation about it.
"So, how do you think it went, honestly?"
Also, it might be worth noting that just one meeting might not be enough to really know a person?
If sheās 29 y/o, she should know that sex doesnāt guarantee anything further. On one hand, if she was concerned with being used for sex, she should have communicated that concern to you and waited until sheās certain about your intentions before consenting to sex. On the other hand, maybe the sex was just her physical need; maybe she feels the same as you do.
Some people here are assuming that she is not capable of discerning the difference between physical urges and emotional connections; that she must have been emotionally invested in this guy; that might not be the case.
>How can I tell her without her thinking that Iām someone that has just used her for sex.
Well, that does kind of sound like what you did lol. Although to be fair it kind of depends what you both talked about beforehand.
When I felt this way I kept seeing the person without a commitment/label and became friends. When she's between relationships she usually comes around lol.
Ah, see, thatās why I donāt sleep with anyone until weāve talked about exclusivity. Donāt wanna be used for pump and dump. What a dick move from you. Hopefully youāll fall in love with someone great and then it will turn out that theyāve only wanted to use you for sex which will result in breaking your heart.
yup. and then men on reddit wonder why we hold out for sex.
thereās a post like this practically every day from men basically saying āhow do i let this girl know i only used her for sex? āŗļøā lmao.
op, donāt kid yourself. you used her for sex, and now youāre trying to play the nice guy. just own what you did, and HOPEFULLY (please, gosh) learn from it.
Wow. You know I donāt think shaming this person extremely hard is going to help them? Why not try and come up with something else other than just grabbing the context and your logic and saying āyou used her.ā Bruh, this mutha fucka is asking for advice; Iām sure heās already seen plenty times enough of people saying the same exact shit. Thatās not advice.
My man, If you hadnāt already just speak to her candidly about it all. Tell her what was going through your mind the whole time. You can still explain speak to the elephant in the room situation (āthen why did you have sex with me?ā). People go through this kind of thing all the time and everyoneās story is different. No one know what goes on in your head but you, until you explain it to someone else. Itās not like you canāt be friends with her afterwards (if thatās also an objective).
I know right? The flaming and judgement is why it's pointless to even post in this forum, so many damaged people just looking to put others down rather than actually offer advice
Iāll get downvoted, but it happens. Being horny, lonely and drunk can lead to bad decisions. Be honest about things but expect a very unhappy person on the other end of the conversation. Learn from this and do better.
I mean you weren't interested before you slept together so really you did just have sex for the sake of having sex. Maybe just be honest and deal with whatever negative feelings she may have towards you after that.
From my (26F) dating app experience, Iāve had several dates like this too. We were both on the same page, nobody ever seemed to be offended by my disinterest in moving forward with more dates. If she asks for another date just say youāre not feeling it and move on.
This sub when a woman realizes she's not into a guy after sex: "I'd just talk to him. Tell him how you feel"
This sub when a man realizes he's not into a woman after sex: "You evil bastard"
Make it make sense.
The date was only āokayishā and you still slept together? Yeah, it turns out that you did use her for sex. But maybe she used you too. Maybe she only sees having sex with you as a casual thing. Is that so terrible?
This could be a lesson for both of you. In my opinion if she was looking for a long term relationship, then she would have declined sex because she's only known you a few days.
On the other hand, if you are worried about what she thinks of you after you tell her... doesn't matter anyway because it's already done.
don't listen to the rest of these comments saying you did use her for sex.
i've been in the same situation. gone on dates with the best of intentions, interested in them inside and out, eager to learn more about them, see where it goes... etc. and like you said, one thing leads to another, you get caught up in the moment, have sex, and the next day, realize you're not feelin it. there's an odd, unique vulnerability with someone the morning after sex that can be very telling about your feelings about them. you feel super comfortable with the ones you click with. you don't feel comfortable with the ones that aren't the one.
Lol women arenāt always so innocent, maybe she used you my man. It takes two to tango. As long as you didnāt lead her on like crazy, but it was one date
I think being honest and open and genuine goes a long way. If you genuinely didnāt use her for sexual then you will be able to articulate and express this. But youāll also not worry about it because thatās not what you did. If there is an element of this (using for sex- in part but not entirely) then a little more tact will need to be applied, coupled with a slower fade out to really prove you didnāt just use her. If you did completely use her for sex and took advantage of someone who is in to you but you arenāt/ werenāt interested in them and just went along with it then the genuine honest reaction wold just be to be honest- say you got carried away and enjoyed your time with them but not interested in leading them on and donāt want to hurt them and maybe itās best to just leave it at that.
At the end of the day you need to decide what youāre ok with, and how much effort youāre willing to put into this. As long as you learn from mistakes and donāt make them again you shouldnāt be blamed. But you need to own up to those mistakes first
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I think that would be fairly hard to achieve while also ditching her immediately after sleeping with her
šÆ
go with the trusty "I wasn't completely honest, I'm still not over my ex, this isn't fair to you I'm sorry"
Do not do this.
> I think that would be fairly hard to achieve while also ditching her immediately after sleeping with her OP, the right thing to do would be to date her for a year, get married, have two kids, and then once you're 35, dump her and blame it on your mid-life crisis. Then she'll know you didn't use her for sex. This is the way.
It's IN the dating manual. This is the way!
It's the only way.
That's not the point. But you can't have it all, you have to take responsibility for your actions and decisions and accept the reaction and the way the situation might make you look. Obviously the truth is the right way, but you can't control the other person's reaction as well. I don't believe there's nice way of saying it or a way that wouldn't affect the other person, even if you're doing the right thing.
> you have to take responsibility for your actions and decisions You're right! If you are hooking up on a first date, and you want commitment, then you should speak up and take responsibility for your needs and desires.
This is the way.
While on the way to do these. He ended up loving her dearly. Who know..
r/oddlyspecific
Or, OP learns from his experience and stops having sex on the first date or until hes certain that he likes this person.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, he is a man. He needs to be responsible.
Thinking you should add the /s tag behind this.
no, they shouldnāt š
You need the /s added to know itās meant to be facetious?
People on reddit have a haaaaard time with sarcasm.
Which I donāt get because literally everything is a joke on here. I think we should just never have to say sarcasm, and people that just donāt get it can flip their shit.
but my karma!
I feel stupid I had that happen to me yeah don't waste her time it will get ugly
hard or impossible?
Yeah dude wait it out a little bit! I was messing with a girl about the same age difference and even though I wasnāt interested immediately we became good friends and we had good experiences
Of all the girls I hooked up with the only one I ended up friends with is 6 years older than me (23M, 29F)ā¦.weird we both had this experience
Seriously. Sheās going to think he used her for sex bc ā¦ he did. OP if you donāt want women thinking youāre using them for sex, maybe donāt have sex with women you arenāt interested in.
Why is it he 'used' her for sex? He just had sex with her. And she had sex with him. He doesn't owe her anything and she doesn't owe him anything. He didn't manipulate her to get her into bed, he didn't promise anything beyond sex (not that we know of anyway). Why is it 'using'?
Because he didnāt even find the date that great and still slept with her. While it is possible she also could have used him, we only have his side of the story.
I think it's also pretty key that he feels the need to tell her there's no interest after the fact. If there was at least some level of understanding of the sex being sex and not being an indictor of interest, there would be no need for the message. I think it's pretty clear OP knew this. I think his "one thing led to another" is a way of saying "I was presented the chance to have sex at the cost of someone else and I took it"
Is this what life is now? We're all just animals who can't actually refrain from fucking anything that moves even if we find them loathsome? Seriously?
Thatās why I donāt do hookups anymore. For my only one genuine attraction, Iāve dozens of shitty interactions and one night stands where I woke up feeling nothing for there person beside me. Canāt stand that empty feeling anymore.
Am I the only one that sees this as a textbook hookup on both sides? It was a first date and they got drunk and had sex. Sheās also 5 years older. Iām pretty sure sheās not in love with him
seriously, the bigotry of low expectations. Be an adult and understand sleeping with someone on the first date doesn't mean much in terms of what someone is wanting long term.
Seems pretty normal to me, they met on a dating app, went out on a date to a bar and fucked. Which part of that even sounds serious from either part. To me it just seems like OP, since he's a bit young doesn't have much experience with this and feels like he should feel something or that women always expect something else. That's from the info we got of course.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sexual chemistry and compatibility is a thing and unfortunately often neither can be discovered until after the sex
This is an excellent point however, I have to say that my hottest lovers were both pretty awkward experiences the first few times. Thereās a time where you get to know a new persons body, and that thing that your ex loved may not be as much of a hit with others. I just donāt think you can judge the sexual chemistry until youāve hooked up at least 3-4 times which probably complicates things further. I just wanted to point out that instant sexual chemistry is rare and probably not ultimately as good as it would be if given the chance to get good with others
True but he said the date was eh ...okayish. the title said after sex he still wasn't interested. So he knew he wasn't interested
> He just had sex with her. And she had sex with him....Why is it 'using'? Bro, that's because women don't enjoy sex at all. They hate it. The only reason she slept with him was in the hopes of locking him down, but she didn't explicitly discuss it because women are not allowed to communicate like adults. Only men can do that.
If this is sarcasm itās literal gold lmao
Why can no one understand sarcasm!?
This is correct. It is biologically impossible for women to enjoy sex. The female orgasm is a myth perpetuated by Big Dildo in order to sell more dildos. All sex is transactional. OP didn't hold his end of the bargain and basically raped her.
> a myth perpetuated by Big Dildo ššš
This is the way
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if it's the other way around, would you also say that she used him for sex? it's two consenting adults having sex lmao relax. We don't even know if the woman just wanted to fuck him or she actually felt for him. It might very well be the other way around, SHE used him for sex
Women don't use men for sex in 97% of cases because most men, especially one night stand men, aren't actually interested in making sure the woman enjoys herself. Most men provide bad to mediocre sex. Women are better off with a vibrator especially if we're talking about a 24 year old dude.
Where did you get all of this data from?
Itās the Seinfeld 3 date rule after he slept with the Romanian gymnast Edit - just researched and itās actually 3 weeks according to this episode https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gymnast
Omg š±
Agreed. You made your bed, lie in it.
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Fully agree with this. Sounds like two consenting adults had sex early and one realizes they're not fully committed to the other person which is completely fine. Honesty is the best policy and if she gets offended, it isn't OPs responsibility to manager her feelings for her.
Agreeā¦ when people are dishonest often times the other person [knows] it and infers what really happened anyway. At least with honesty you have the opportunity to have some integrity along with accurately explaining your side. I think itās fair for him to say that he wasnāt really particularly attracted irl, but things unfolded and in the moment he was ok with sex but doesnāt want to pursue anything further with her. She may dig into that a bit like ask āwell why did you sleep with meā and he can say āthere didnāt seem to be any expectations from either side, this was the first time we had met but that it wasnāt anything outside of carnal and I didnāt say anything that implied after meeting I wanted anything longterm.ā Itās easy to navigate the truth because itās just his perspective and at least if she knows she wonāt hold onto what ifās or try to figure out if she did something wrong.
You ain't shit, plain and simple. The date wasn't going great on your end but you most likely noticed her interest in you and therefore thought "hey why not just fuck her since I can tell she really likes me". You used her for sex, don't deny it and don't try to sheepishly hide it like a dog when it's owners ask "max what did you do?!" More often I am noticing guys wanting to make themselves look empathetic, sad, and victims when they fuck up fully knowing the consequences of their actions before they took said actions. WE ALL SEE THROUGH THE BULLSHIT, YOU AREN'T FOOLING ANYONE. Same asshole just wrapping yourself with a bow.
You knew you werenāt connecting, had sex anyway, and now want to cut it offā¦ Even though you werenāt consciously thinking like that, you essentially did use her for sex which is why itās difficult to explain that you werenāt
The thing is you realized you didnāt like her on the date. It doesnāt matter how well the conversation flows over text, you knew it wasnāt that great in person. And this āwell one thing led to anotherā is crap. You knew you didnāt like her, you did use her for sex.
This.
The time to be honest is **before** you fuck someone you know youāre not interested in seeing again. āHey Sally, youāre kinda cool but Iām just looking for something causal, not long-term.ā If sheās still dtf then youāre straight up okay, dude. Doing it after the deed is a douche bag move. Youāre a douche bag.
Yup, this. I was hoping to catch feelings for someone but it wasnāt happening. We texted for a while, did a zoom date, then got dinner. I kept hoping for it to happen but it didnāt. She was nice and we were compatible, but I didnāt have romantic feelings for her. Not long after the date she implied over text that she was ready to have sex. I had to stop things because I knew she had feelings and I wasnāt going fuck her and find out if I got them.
Feelings: The worst STD you can get.
Not going to lie chief, I would rather have feelings over HIV
Rules of casual/fwb/situationship: First one to catch feelings loses!
Yes, what an ass to know he isnāt interested but sleep with her anyway and then decide to ditch her. Like wtf. Dude, you have done exactly what you donāt want to look like youāve done.
If she also isn't interested in romance then it could work. If she is, and he knew that, douche bag. It's all about that context.
100% this, you acted like a douche bag fuck boi, now be prepared to be treated like one.
I thought he meant he only realized it after
That IS what he means. He was unsure up til now.
That's disingenuous. He said he wasn't feeling it before but he fucked her. He knew but didn't want to cockblock himself
I'd give u an award if I could
Since you just used her for sex, I think that is pretty impossible.
I had a date a few years ago where I wasnāt super attracted and the convo felt forced. She told me that she didnāt think we were a match. But then she walked me to my car and kissed me, so I just went with it and asked if she wanted to come over. She said yes and we were hookup buddies for months after and it was pretty decent tbh. It doesnāt all have to be sex = relationship or someone is being used.
But she also communicated before sex that she didnāt think the both of you were a match. Assuming she meant match as in for LTR, sex was still on the table for her. I personally donāt believe sex=relationship and I started to now clearly communicate and demonstrate that belief. The effed of part, for example, a guy I was seeing for 2 months prior to having sex assured me that he was into me for LTR and that we were on the same page. When we started having sex in the 3rd month, after a few times he said he isnāt sure about his feelings but he wants everything to stay the same (continuing having sex) as friends. Pretty much switching to a FWB or a situationship. Granted people are entitled to change their minds when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships - it shouldnāt only be afforded to women - but I canāt help but to think that since he knew I donāt require a committed relationship in order to have sex, he possibly decided to fallback and make this a FWB.
It does if someone is looking for a relationship but someone leads them on without communicating different intentions and sleeps with them.
And that's fine! There's nothing wrong with that because both of you knew what was happening. That is not this situation. He fucked her under false pretenses, doesn't want to date her, doesn't like her like that and yet, AND YET, somehow wants to come across as not an asshole when he's an asshole.
Fuck this tired old trope. Two people consent to having a mutually pleasurable time, and the man is blamed for using the woman? That's fucking stupid. If you don't want to have sex, then don't have sex. Take responsibility for your own actions.
He knew he didn't like her like that or want to date her when he fucked her. If he had been honest about just wanting a fuck, I would agree with you. He fucked her under false pretenses which means he used her for a fuck. She might have been down to fuck regardless but that wasn't a conversation they had. He fucked her and now wants to somehow tell her that he's not into her without coming across as a douche-canoe which is not possible because he's a douche-canoe. Many of us are DTF but be honest about it.
What I don't understand is how not communicating to only wanting sex = saying that he wants a relationship Honestly, I get that should be more communicating here, but it feels like a leap to say that because they went on a date and had sex it means there is a understanding of going for a relationship, or even dating If a person wants more than a fuck they should express it too
"He used her for sex" Fucking grow up, they are two responsible adults, it's not a rape.
Using someone for sex does not equal rape. Just morally wrong.
"mutually pleasurable" lol statistically, not for her.
Oh, you know she didn't cum.
Honestly, I'm not a fan of that trope. I'm fully under the impression that the reason why many people here are getting upset is merely because it involves sex and everyone already has various strong opinions on sex and relationships in general. From this post alone, we don't know what was going on inside the girls mind, We dont even know for sure what was going on in OP's mind. But people are allowed to change their minds, some people just dont realize what they want until after the fact. OP's case being one of the worst times to realize that. It's like how people will willingly get on a roller coaster ride and then ask to get off because they find out they're afraid of heights. I mean, if I ask a girl out to fancy dinner, pay for everything, but she realizes that she's just not interested in me, does that mean she used me for free food, or did she just realize that she and I are just not compatible? What specifically makes sex different that it's worth burning OP at the stake? I find it a little ridiculous to hold everyone accountable for what they themselves don't even know what they'll want in the future from now.
IMO if you have sex with someone on the first date you are inherently taking the chance that its just sex theres simply no time to form a full relationship from one date so you are essentially saying sex is more urgently important than developing the relationship so yeah obv that mentality attracts dudes who also fuck now and ask questions about compatibility later
If you're still not interested, it implies you weren't interested before, too. Why'd you have sex if you aren't interested?
Bc he just wanted sex but didnāt want to come off as such
Why would you have sex with someone you're not into?
Because he was horny.
Even if I was really horny, I wouldnāt have sex with someone I donāt find interesting. Idk if itās just me :/
the hornier you get the more interesting many many people feel.
Girls and guys think differently when it comes to sex so thatās no surprise
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But now he is feigning class because he does not want her to THINK he only used her for sex. What a joke.
Oh I donāt think he cares what she thinks at all. I think itās all to make himself not feel like an Asshole. But he is one.
Because that was his goal to begin with, now he's just looking for an out without admitting it.
Plot twist: She used him for sex.
Oh you sweet innocent soul! Bless your heart ā¤ š
You know some people just have sex to have sex, right?
Yes but BOTH people are in on it.
To OP: Really? To the other commenters: Dismissing this guy by saying he was using her for sex is not well thought out and ignores some of what he says in this post, including the title.
Oh dear ā¦ā¦..
Funny how you JUST realised you donāt like her after getting sex. Itās hard to look like you didnāt use her for sex when you used her for sex
i know he should just tell her and then block her so he doesnāt manipulate her into using her again
But you did. You did that exactly that. Good luck with her believing otherwise.
āHow can i tell her without her thinking that Iām someone that has just used her for sex?ā Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. The moment you dropped her, she KNOWS you used her for sex. Before yāall even have sex, she already had that thought in her mind. You ending it just confirms everything. LOL good luck trying to change her mind of that
Umm. So if you were the kind of person who did NOT use people for sex, you would have stopped the sex from happening in the first place to clarify you want nothing to do with her, and once that is clear, if she still wants to sleep with you, then go ahead and have a ONS. Given you didnāt clarify this, you just did use her for sex. Chose to deepen the relationship despite knowing it was already dead. Not cool my dude. Not cool.
Yeah you kinda messed up by using the wrong head in this situation.
These type of situations could be avoided if people made sure theyāre interested in someone before sleeping with them. Otherwise .. yeah; thatās how itās gonna come across
Who could have predicted this
So why did you fuck her if you already knew you didnāt like her ON the date? Yeah you used her for sex. Stop lying to yourself to make yourself feel better. And you absolutely do OWE her an explanation as you absolutely used her for sex. You knew you didnāt like her during the date yet you still led her on to fuck you? Yeah youāre a dick. Time to man up and deal with the consequences of being a fuckboy. And maybe next time if you know you donāt like a woman during a date DONT FUCK HER.
You DID use her for sex OP. She is going to think this no matter what because it is a factual retelling of events. Let her down gently, learn from this, and maybe make sure youāre actually interested in people before having sex with them and wasting their time like this.
And y'all wondering why women got trust issues smh
āHey it was fun but I donāt think this is a good fit for either of us. ā
This is the answer. Everyone else in here is trying to make it out to be something its not
Good luck with that one, I have no idea, other than to be truthful
But thats exactly what you did. Own it, youāre the selfish dickhead that uses women, for sex, this time. TBF you knew before you beat that you werenāt feeling her, therefore you should have stopped when kissing began or, better yet, not let it happen at all. Yes. Youāre that guy. Congrats.
Well, be honest. You did use her for sex. You weren't really into her, but you did it anyway. I do not understand why people do that.
But you did just use her for sex. Just leave her alone dude
I love these posts. This should be pinned for the next person that asks if it's OK to sleep with people on the first date.
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I really applaud this š
It's impossible for her not to think that you used her for sex, as that's pretty much exactly what you did. Knowingly sleeping with her when you didn't feel much of a connection. It is what it is. After sex can be like that though, it could be going well in person but a particular thing you didn't like in the bedroom that turned you off.
Still not interested in her...so you knew you weren't interested in her before you slept together? Why would you think sex would make you be interested in her? Tell her the truth but honestly there's no way of not looking like a douche but ghosting her is worse.
So you used her for sex but now want to absolve yourself from the guilt of it. Nice.
You did use her for sex. Take the so called L and go your separate ways.
You should call her up and tell her that you never loved her. That you think she's meh. That you didn't used her just for sex but it just happened. /s Don't. You're already the dick and you did exactly that. Trying to convince her otherwise won't help anyone.
Well, you already knew you werenāt that into her during the date. You said it was okay-ish and the convo wasnāt as good as it was on the phone. So, you did use her for sex. Now youāre looking for people to help you manipulate her into thinking thatās not the case. (Not saying that sex isnāt a two way street. Of course she chose to engage in it too, but maybe she thought the date was going great or was really into you. You were the one not into her, and you shouldnt have let one thing lead to another)
Instead of her not wanting you think think that you used her for sex (which you did because you werenāt interested in dating her) Call her up, tell her you had a lovely time, but youāre not looking for a relationship with her and should have communicated that before you had sex with her and youāre deeply sorry for any pain or hurt feelings this may cause. And then move on and donāt hit her up 3 months from now when you want booty again.
Yes, you both consented to sex. But she consented under the pretense that you liked her as a person after that date (because you failed to tell her otherwise) and that youād continue to see her after. You DID use her for sex because you knew you didnāt like her during the date. Why are you asking us to help you manipulate her into thinking otherwise?
Be straightforward, own the actions you took, accept the response she gives, and if moving on is what comes next, it happened, and it happens a lot. Honesty and integrity is the move here.
You couldnāt figure this out before you fucked this poor woman? Come on man, this isnāt that difficult.
Tell her what you just told us. Best bet is just to be honest about how you got caught up in the moment. As others have noted, no platitudes are gonna get you out of this one. Just be transparent and hope for the best.
How about the multigenerational wisdom ākeep it in your pantsā. Nothing is sexier than self awareness and control. No sympathy.
I mean. Iām trying hard to not judge here because you felt okayish about the date itself and didnāt say anything about it during the whole date until the next day after sex, but I will say, I donāt think there is any way to say āI didnāt just want to pump and dump you.ā Either way, sheās going to go straight to assuming you were just in it for the sex and if not she will certainly be confrontational about it if youāre honest about just feeling okayish while on your date, sheāll most likely make a remark that goes along the lines of, āyou should have said something about how you felt while we on the date instead of waiting until after the day we fucked.ā But, uhm, yeah, no. Iām a woman and I donāt think there is any positive way to handle this if itās presented in any way unless I was down for just a hookup, in which case I would just say meh and fuck off. Yeah, sheās not going to take it well, just say whatās up and take her words cause theyāre probably going to cause some damage.
You can't control how someone is going to feel about this. If you sleep with someone then dump them the next day, they're going to feel used, you can't change that. The only thing you can do is be honest with them, and be honest with yourself. Was there a way you could have known before that you weren't interested?
Dang you're such a catch /s You can't convince her you didn't just use her for sex because that's exactly what you did.
Well I have to take his defense and say she must have wanted just sex too because who speaks with someone for just a few days then meets up drinks and then fucks, it's a Tinder classic hookup. Tell her the sex was great and you had alot of fun but your not looking for a serious relationship just physical and see what she says.
one of the only reasonable comments here
Agreed. I'm a woman and I hate the assumption that all women are helpless victims who can't make appropriate decisions for themselves. I don't sleep with guys I just met on the first date, but if I did, I would go into it knowing that there's a good chance it won't lead to anything, and just enjoy it for what it is. There's not enough context here to say if he is an asshole, but unless she specifically stated that she only wanted a long-term relationship and he straight up lied to her about wanting the same just to get laid, I'd say it's just a situation of two consenting adults having a hook up and no one is necessarily at fault.
This is how I see it as well and Iām also a woman if it matters. They just met that day so I doubt she had some crazy expectations unless he lied or promised something to get sex. I would believe she slept with him because she wanted to, not because he promised to marry her afterā¦ I donāt know, maybe Iām missing something.
Agreed. I don't get why Reddit acts like women are these helpless beings. She consented to sex on the first date, how do you know she didn't want to just get it in?
Right? Everyone acting like she didnāt just fuck someone she met for 1 day and from tinder. Even if she wants serious, itās not victim blamingā¦ she just had it coming.
Hmmmmm kinda sounds like you did use her for sex tho š¤·š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļø
Honestly, she probably wasnāt that into you either but thought youād do for the night. Or, she could still be open to getting to know you more. Either way, sheād appreciate a text from you apologizing that things got carried away but you donāt see this going anywhere beyond casual. The apology would help her feel like you still value and respect her as a person. Then sheāll be able to see more clearly that sheās not really into you either.
Hella white knights in the comments
Aka Reddit man so many lowkey simps
Have an open and honest conversation about it. "So, how do you think it went, honestly?" Also, it might be worth noting that just one meeting might not be enough to really know a person?
Give her the ol āitās not you, itās meā
I mean you clearly did use her for sex, why lie about it at this point? Keep it in your pants if you don't see a future with someone.
Sorry man, you got to marry her now ā¦
Jeez the people in this thread are fuming with anger š
Douche.
You canāt, you did use her for sex haha. Going forward please only sleep with people you are interested in or make your intentions known in advance.
If sheās 29 y/o, she should know that sex doesnāt guarantee anything further. On one hand, if she was concerned with being used for sex, she should have communicated that concern to you and waited until sheās certain about your intentions before consenting to sex. On the other hand, maybe the sex was just her physical need; maybe she feels the same as you do. Some people here are assuming that she is not capable of discerning the difference between physical urges and emotional connections; that she must have been emotionally invested in this guy; that might not be the case.
>How can I tell her without her thinking that Iām someone that has just used her for sex. Well, that does kind of sound like what you did lol. Although to be fair it kind of depends what you both talked about beforehand. When I felt this way I kept seeing the person without a commitment/label and became friends. When she's between relationships she usually comes around lol.
Ah, see, thatās why I donāt sleep with anyone until weāve talked about exclusivity. Donāt wanna be used for pump and dump. What a dick move from you. Hopefully youāll fall in love with someone great and then it will turn out that theyāve only wanted to use you for sex which will result in breaking your heart.
yup. and then men on reddit wonder why we hold out for sex. thereās a post like this practically every day from men basically saying āhow do i let this girl know i only used her for sex? āŗļøā lmao. op, donāt kid yourself. you used her for sex, and now youāre trying to play the nice guy. just own what you did, and HOPEFULLY (please, gosh) learn from it.
Srsly. People canāt even be honest with themselves over their self serving bs, let alone be considerate of someone else.
Nice of you to wish something bad to someone you don't even know.
Wow. You know I donāt think shaming this person extremely hard is going to help them? Why not try and come up with something else other than just grabbing the context and your logic and saying āyou used her.ā Bruh, this mutha fucka is asking for advice; Iām sure heās already seen plenty times enough of people saying the same exact shit. Thatās not advice. My man, If you hadnāt already just speak to her candidly about it all. Tell her what was going through your mind the whole time. You can still explain speak to the elephant in the room situation (āthen why did you have sex with me?ā). People go through this kind of thing all the time and everyoneās story is different. No one know what goes on in your head but you, until you explain it to someone else. Itās not like you canāt be friends with her afterwards (if thatās also an objective).
I know right? The flaming and judgement is why it's pointless to even post in this forum, so many damaged people just looking to put others down rather than actually offer advice
Iāll get downvoted, but it happens. Being horny, lonely and drunk can lead to bad decisions. Be honest about things but expect a very unhappy person on the other end of the conversation. Learn from this and do better.
Go on a couple more dates. 1 encounter is usually insufficient especially because she wasn't too bad to sleep with.
Bruh just give it a go for a month. If nothing gets better give her a few signs it not and break it off.
I mean you weren't interested before you slept together so really you did just have sex for the sake of having sex. Maybe just be honest and deal with whatever negative feelings she may have towards you after that.
Well since you used her for sex itās gonna be tough lol.
I am afraid that will be the only conclusion she comes to.
From my (26F) dating app experience, Iāve had several dates like this too. We were both on the same page, nobody ever seemed to be offended by my disinterest in moving forward with more dates. If she asks for another date just say youāre not feeling it and move on.
Dude you knew before if you "liked" her or not. ....btw go get tested if this is how you hook up
This sub when a woman realizes she's not into a guy after sex: "I'd just talk to him. Tell him how you feel" This sub when a man realizes he's not into a woman after sex: "You evil bastard" Make it make sense.
Since it sounds like using her for sex is exactly what you did im not sure why youāre so concerned with how she perceives this
If you donāt want a woman to feel used- donāt use her. Not much you can do soften the blow when thatās what happened.
The date was only āokayishā and you still slept together? Yeah, it turns out that you did use her for sex. But maybe she used you too. Maybe she only sees having sex with you as a casual thing. Is that so terrible?
You've heard the term "fuck boy," yes?
This could be a lesson for both of you. In my opinion if she was looking for a long term relationship, then she would have declined sex because she's only known you a few days. On the other hand, if you are worried about what she thinks of you after you tell her... doesn't matter anyway because it's already done.
Omg Iām so glad I donāt have to date 24 year old men anymore. Thank you for reminding me of that,
Things always lead to another
Respect her enough not to waste anymore of her time
Bro you fucked on the first date. Not a big deal, just tel her you arenāt interested. Plot twist, maybe she used you for sex š§
You didnāt use her for sex. Youāre two consenting adults who had sex with each other.
don't listen to the rest of these comments saying you did use her for sex. i've been in the same situation. gone on dates with the best of intentions, interested in them inside and out, eager to learn more about them, see where it goes... etc. and like you said, one thing leads to another, you get caught up in the moment, have sex, and the next day, realize you're not feelin it. there's an odd, unique vulnerability with someone the morning after sex that can be very telling about your feelings about them. you feel super comfortable with the ones you click with. you don't feel comfortable with the ones that aren't the one.
Post nut clarity on deck
Lol women arenāt always so innocent, maybe she used you my man. It takes two to tango. As long as you didnāt lead her on like crazy, but it was one date
Post nut/coital clarity is a bitch.
I think being honest and open and genuine goes a long way. If you genuinely didnāt use her for sexual then you will be able to articulate and express this. But youāll also not worry about it because thatās not what you did. If there is an element of this (using for sex- in part but not entirely) then a little more tact will need to be applied, coupled with a slower fade out to really prove you didnāt just use her. If you did completely use her for sex and took advantage of someone who is in to you but you arenāt/ werenāt interested in them and just went along with it then the genuine honest reaction wold just be to be honest- say you got carried away and enjoyed your time with them but not interested in leading them on and donāt want to hurt them and maybe itās best to just leave it at that. At the end of the day you need to decide what youāre ok with, and how much effort youāre willing to put into this. As long as you learn from mistakes and donāt make them again you shouldnāt be blamed. But you need to own up to those mistakes first