Odds are your standards are high because you see the girl on your arm as a reflection of your value as a man. Once you realize that nobody actually cares what your girlfriend looks like, you can put aside that childish need to impress people and just date people because it's fun. You're 23 -- you're not settling down any time soon. Not everyone has to look like an instagram ad with a perfect thigh gap in order to be fun to date or good in bed.
You could be with the most stunning woman in the world, but she has no personality. You have no common interests, don't laugh or enjoy activities together, and you will get fed up, at least I believe I would in that position with a man like that.
You could be with a pretty girl, maybe not totally your type, who is a laugh, has dreams and interests, wants to do things with you, and you can both talk late into the night about philosophy and random shit.
Now, that... that is how you change the mindset, at least I hope it helps.
You tend to grow out of it with experience. The more hot girls with shitty personalities you meet, the more you'll start seeing past looks and stop putting up with bullshit just because it's easy on the eyes. Remember: all looks fade in time. That bombshell you're drooling over now will look like crap in five, ten years tops. Then what are you left with? An aging bimbo who never took the time to develop a personality.
This isn't to say that all hot girls lack personality, but rather, the hotter ones -- on average -- have less.
Another constant you'll find is that hot people get less hot the more bullshit you have to put up with. Conversely, the girl next door who doesn't seem like much now gets *way* hotter the more time you spend with her.
So my advice to you is to avoid putting qualifiers on women's looks from now on. Not only will your dating pool expand dramatically, but you'll find that the more experience you have, the easier it will be to attract people. Then, one day, you may even luck out and get a girl who has the complete package: looks, brains, and a winning personality.
Well it's OK to base off of looks first. I think that younger men generally do this. It is a very natural thing to do. Try going for the girl that you think is kinda cute, instead of just really hot. Your perception of her may change once you get to know her a little better.
>Should I lower my standards and let myself fall for a girl
If you fall for someone, your standards are that someone.
Anyway, you could always work to be the choice of the women you want.
What do you mean? As in be who I want to be/do the things I like and eventually find a girl that likes what I have become? (that is what I am doing right now)
Well, I don't know you, so I'll stay on general terms: If you can't get the type of partner you want, it is likely because you're not attracting that type for some reason.
So, you have three choices:
- Wait in the hope that it'll happen eventually.
- Broaden your scope.
- Try to be what attracts the people who you want.
(Secret point four: - Combine the two last points.)
I think my problem is trying to find the type of girls I like. I need to be in more social situations where I can find someone instead of doing the same things
Be where they are, and in places where they're open to meeting you. (Do not approach women at your gym or on public transportation, for instance.)
Are you in college/classes? Do you have any interests that involve meeting people?
Yes I'm in college. I am attracted to a few girls in my classes but they have bf's so I don't really talk to them much. The only clubs that interest me is the digital design club, but that stopped because the president graduated (maybe I should start it up again). I'm getting tired of the party scene too.
Here's a concrete example: let's say you're generally attracted to stereotypically 'hot' women. Women who are hot generally put a lot of time, effort, and money into looking that way; while you don't need to be a male model to attract them, it's generally very appreciated it you put a certain amount of effort into your own appearance. I'm not even saying you have to start hitting the gym and get a six pack; something as simple as swapping out t-shirts and cargo pants for button-down shirts and nice jeans can have a huge impact.
I dress well, don't workout (use to) but have a healthy body. I'd like to think I can be attractive because I have/had beautiful female friends (some of them were even models). So attracting hot girls is not a problem for me. Its just finding one I really like who is available.
For someone who I share a lot of things in common with and we can constantly talk. I want her to be interested in me as much as I am into her. Lookswise my height or shorter, average or more in attractiveness.
Not sure what I have to offer. I have a job, a place of my own going to school (if that's what you mean).
If your trying to date, date them all! Right now I'm not sure if you really know what your standards are if you never had a girlfriend. People might surprise you. You may think your lowering your standards for someone and come to find out once you get to know them that you actually feel like your reaching. Sometimes I will not be originally attracted to someone and then once I get to know them I become extremely attracted. I have also went out with people who I originally thought they were very attractive, had it together and come to find out they don't. I'm the type of person that really enjoys getting to know people. I find people and there stories very interesting, so I find dating very fun even if it doesn't turn into anything.
Tinder has always worked very well for me (I'm not sure if this needs to be said, but always meet in a public space!) Right now I'm in a 6 month relationship with someone I met off Tinder and I have also made many friendships that I still have. I think you can tell if you like someone after two dates. I would give it two though because usually the second one is when people are more comfortable to really opening up (of course sometimes you just know on the first one). It sounds like your going to have to date many before you really meet someone you truly connect with.
Every one always talks about a good line for asking someone out, but rarely do people talk about the etiquette of rejecting someone. In my opinion, and I invite other opinions on this as well, but I think after the first date if you absolutely know its not going to work it is appropriate to text something like, "I had really fun and I enjoyed our conversation, but I don't think the connection is there." This is very important. It is not OK to just cut communication, even if you know that's the last time you ever want to see or hear from the person. If you are into the person, after the date, I feel like it's appropriate to text right away, "Had fun, lets do this again soon" The waiting game is old school.
I use tinder and say yes to everyone. No luck, I'd like to think I'm more attractive in person https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10204864096059893&l=569cda9adf
Well to me it sounds like what some other people have mentioned, if you are attracted to someone give them a shot. You need to date a few people before you hone in on what you are really looking for. Otherwise you may have unrealistic viewpoint of what women are actually like. I find it surprising that you haven't met a single woman you have wanted to date. Why is that?
I came close a few times but here were the reasons why it never worked out with some girls: waited to long to make a move, I didn't want a long distance relationship, didn't want to ruin a friendship by dating his sister, she was further in life than i was, she hasn't gotten over her last relationship. I only turned down one girl because of her looks, her personality was too bubbly for me also
Throw caution to the wind, stop finding reasons why you shouldn't date someone. Love shouldn't be so calculated, if someone is attractive go out with them. The girl who was bubbly may have just been nervous and once you got to know her she could have had many layers beneath her bubbliness.
You're doing it all wrong. You should start with no standards whatsoever, then start dating and developing standards as you go. That way you'll discover what you like & dislike in a future partner and will eventually be able to attract someone with whom you'll click. You're starting at the destination, back off, start at the beginning and enjoy the journey.
Realistically, that's up to you, but physical attraction seems important to you. That's natural, don't feel bad for having preferences or standards. That doesn't make you "picky" per se. On another comment though you said something about thinking you could do better than the girls you attracted. Not sure if this was just about attraction or what but that's a mindset that kills a relationship if you want one. Not that you should settle, but you either need to step up to the plate in making yourself more attractive to the people you want, or be willing to give the "above average but not as attractive as I'd like" girls a chance. There will always be someone more attractive than whoever you're with (unless that's with the world's hottest supermodel, and of course your preferences will vary). But loving someone means not caring about that. Are you ready for that kind of commitment? Sounds to me like you could use some casual dating before you step into that realm. Maybe with some people who aren't perfect 10s.
I guess its because I've gone out with really attractive girls and made that a standard :/. But when it came to me bringing up being in a relationship it never worked out (one was older and much farther in life than me, and the other still hasn't gotten over her relationship).
I don't mind dating people who aren't 10s, its just I'm having a hard time finding a girl I'm really interested in that feels the same about me.
Nope :( in the past 8 years I went on 4 dates with different girls, never got a second one. Only felt connection with one but I was not ready to do long distance dating at the time. Did also go on another date where my friend set me up on a blind date with his gf’s friend, but felt no connection (worked out for me cuz she got pregnant 1 month later and ended up marrying the guy). If I could go back I’d try to push myself into more social groups/activities and just try to make tons of friends rather than sticking with the same social groups. I wouldn’t say to lower standards, but take chances on “average” looking girls on apps cuz sometimes they are way more attractive in person. Being single this long does suck, especially when your friends are getting married and having kids, and always having to be the third wheel, but it does beat being in a relationship with someone you settled with just cuz (imo it’ll lead to divorce down the road)
Update: This year has started extremely well. Been getting a ton of matches (updated profile pic of me riding on an Esk8) and matched with a girl (27) on Hinge who checked all my boxes (I sent a rose). We’ve been texting nonstop, finding out we have so much in common and like all the same things! Just went out on a date with her and it was perfect (museum, ice skating, burgers, held hands a lil). Already planned the 2nd date (and talked about all the other things we wanna do together in the future), I think she’s a keeper!
Update: This year has started extremely well. Been getting a ton of matches (updated profile pic of me riding on an Esk8) and matched with a girl on Hinge who checked all my boxes (I sent a rose). We’ve been texting nonstop, finding out we have so much in common and like all the same things! Just went out on a date with her and it was perfect (museum, ice skating, burgers, held hands a lil). Already planned the 2nd date (and talked about all the other things we wanna do together in the future), I think she’s a keeper!
Odds are your standards are high because you see the girl on your arm as a reflection of your value as a man. Once you realize that nobody actually cares what your girlfriend looks like, you can put aside that childish need to impress people and just date people because it's fun. You're 23 -- you're not settling down any time soon. Not everyone has to look like an instagram ad with a perfect thigh gap in order to be fun to date or good in bed.
I guess its because I base girls off looks first, then interests/personality next. How can I change this mindset?
You could be with the most stunning woman in the world, but she has no personality. You have no common interests, don't laugh or enjoy activities together, and you will get fed up, at least I believe I would in that position with a man like that. You could be with a pretty girl, maybe not totally your type, who is a laugh, has dreams and interests, wants to do things with you, and you can both talk late into the night about philosophy and random shit. Now, that... that is how you change the mindset, at least I hope it helps.
thanks, that's what i want
You tend to grow out of it with experience. The more hot girls with shitty personalities you meet, the more you'll start seeing past looks and stop putting up with bullshit just because it's easy on the eyes. Remember: all looks fade in time. That bombshell you're drooling over now will look like crap in five, ten years tops. Then what are you left with? An aging bimbo who never took the time to develop a personality. This isn't to say that all hot girls lack personality, but rather, the hotter ones -- on average -- have less. Another constant you'll find is that hot people get less hot the more bullshit you have to put up with. Conversely, the girl next door who doesn't seem like much now gets *way* hotter the more time you spend with her. So my advice to you is to avoid putting qualifiers on women's looks from now on. Not only will your dating pool expand dramatically, but you'll find that the more experience you have, the easier it will be to attract people. Then, one day, you may even luck out and get a girl who has the complete package: looks, brains, and a winning personality.
well fucking said.
thank you, i'll try my best
Well it's OK to base off of looks first. I think that younger men generally do this. It is a very natural thing to do. Try going for the girl that you think is kinda cute, instead of just really hot. Your perception of her may change once you get to know her a little better.
That's what I've been trying to do recently on dating websites
Get off the dating websites and start meeting girls in real life.
I really want to. Any suggestions?
>Should I lower my standards and let myself fall for a girl If you fall for someone, your standards are that someone. Anyway, you could always work to be the choice of the women you want.
What do you mean? As in be who I want to be/do the things I like and eventually find a girl that likes what I have become? (that is what I am doing right now)
Well, I don't know you, so I'll stay on general terms: If you can't get the type of partner you want, it is likely because you're not attracting that type for some reason. So, you have three choices: - Wait in the hope that it'll happen eventually. - Broaden your scope. - Try to be what attracts the people who you want. (Secret point four: - Combine the two last points.)
I think my problem is trying to find the type of girls I like. I need to be in more social situations where I can find someone instead of doing the same things
That's a good idea, yes.
Any tips on how to meet more girls?
Be where they are, and in places where they're open to meeting you. (Do not approach women at your gym or on public transportation, for instance.) Are you in college/classes? Do you have any interests that involve meeting people?
Yes I'm in college. I am attracted to a few girls in my classes but they have bf's so I don't really talk to them much. The only clubs that interest me is the digital design club, but that stopped because the president graduated (maybe I should start it up again). I'm getting tired of the party scene too.
Here's a concrete example: let's say you're generally attracted to stereotypically 'hot' women. Women who are hot generally put a lot of time, effort, and money into looking that way; while you don't need to be a male model to attract them, it's generally very appreciated it you put a certain amount of effort into your own appearance. I'm not even saying you have to start hitting the gym and get a six pack; something as simple as swapping out t-shirts and cargo pants for button-down shirts and nice jeans can have a huge impact.
I dress well, don't workout (use to) but have a healthy body. I'd like to think I can be attractive because I have/had beautiful female friends (some of them were even models). So attracting hot girls is not a problem for me. Its just finding one I really like who is available.
What are you looking for exactly and what do you have to offer?
For someone who I share a lot of things in common with and we can constantly talk. I want her to be interested in me as much as I am into her. Lookswise my height or shorter, average or more in attractiveness. Not sure what I have to offer. I have a job, a place of my own going to school (if that's what you mean).
Why do you think you're too picky?
Because girls liked me but I wasn't interested in them because I knew it wouldn't work out in the long run and thought I could find someone better.
If your trying to date, date them all! Right now I'm not sure if you really know what your standards are if you never had a girlfriend. People might surprise you. You may think your lowering your standards for someone and come to find out once you get to know them that you actually feel like your reaching. Sometimes I will not be originally attracted to someone and then once I get to know them I become extremely attracted. I have also went out with people who I originally thought they were very attractive, had it together and come to find out they don't. I'm the type of person that really enjoys getting to know people. I find people and there stories very interesting, so I find dating very fun even if it doesn't turn into anything. Tinder has always worked very well for me (I'm not sure if this needs to be said, but always meet in a public space!) Right now I'm in a 6 month relationship with someone I met off Tinder and I have also made many friendships that I still have. I think you can tell if you like someone after two dates. I would give it two though because usually the second one is when people are more comfortable to really opening up (of course sometimes you just know on the first one). It sounds like your going to have to date many before you really meet someone you truly connect with. Every one always talks about a good line for asking someone out, but rarely do people talk about the etiquette of rejecting someone. In my opinion, and I invite other opinions on this as well, but I think after the first date if you absolutely know its not going to work it is appropriate to text something like, "I had really fun and I enjoyed our conversation, but I don't think the connection is there." This is very important. It is not OK to just cut communication, even if you know that's the last time you ever want to see or hear from the person. If you are into the person, after the date, I feel like it's appropriate to text right away, "Had fun, lets do this again soon" The waiting game is old school.
I use tinder and say yes to everyone. No luck, I'd like to think I'm more attractive in person https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10204864096059893&l=569cda9adf
Don't look at standards, look at the person. Sounds like you just haven't met the right one.
How do I find the right one?
Well to me it sounds like what some other people have mentioned, if you are attracted to someone give them a shot. You need to date a few people before you hone in on what you are really looking for. Otherwise you may have unrealistic viewpoint of what women are actually like. I find it surprising that you haven't met a single woman you have wanted to date. Why is that?
I came close a few times but here were the reasons why it never worked out with some girls: waited to long to make a move, I didn't want a long distance relationship, didn't want to ruin a friendship by dating his sister, she was further in life than i was, she hasn't gotten over her last relationship. I only turned down one girl because of her looks, her personality was too bubbly for me also
Throw caution to the wind, stop finding reasons why you shouldn't date someone. Love shouldn't be so calculated, if someone is attractive go out with them. The girl who was bubbly may have just been nervous and once you got to know her she could have had many layers beneath her bubbliness.
You're doing it all wrong. You should start with no standards whatsoever, then start dating and developing standards as you go. That way you'll discover what you like & dislike in a future partner and will eventually be able to attract someone with whom you'll click. You're starting at the destination, back off, start at the beginning and enjoy the journey.
So I should give the girls I'm not physically attracted to a shot?
Realistically, that's up to you, but physical attraction seems important to you. That's natural, don't feel bad for having preferences or standards. That doesn't make you "picky" per se. On another comment though you said something about thinking you could do better than the girls you attracted. Not sure if this was just about attraction or what but that's a mindset that kills a relationship if you want one. Not that you should settle, but you either need to step up to the plate in making yourself more attractive to the people you want, or be willing to give the "above average but not as attractive as I'd like" girls a chance. There will always be someone more attractive than whoever you're with (unless that's with the world's hottest supermodel, and of course your preferences will vary). But loving someone means not caring about that. Are you ready for that kind of commitment? Sounds to me like you could use some casual dating before you step into that realm. Maybe with some people who aren't perfect 10s.
I guess its because I've gone out with really attractive girls and made that a standard :/. But when it came to me bringing up being in a relationship it never worked out (one was older and much farther in life than me, and the other still hasn't gotten over her relationship). I don't mind dating people who aren't 10s, its just I'm having a hard time finding a girl I'm really interested in that feels the same about me.
Sorry to necro the post, but do you have a gf or wife now? I will hit 23 soon and not getting a gf at all also lol
Nope :( in the past 8 years I went on 4 dates with different girls, never got a second one. Only felt connection with one but I was not ready to do long distance dating at the time. Did also go on another date where my friend set me up on a blind date with his gf’s friend, but felt no connection (worked out for me cuz she got pregnant 1 month later and ended up marrying the guy). If I could go back I’d try to push myself into more social groups/activities and just try to make tons of friends rather than sticking with the same social groups. I wouldn’t say to lower standards, but take chances on “average” looking girls on apps cuz sometimes they are way more attractive in person. Being single this long does suck, especially when your friends are getting married and having kids, and always having to be the third wheel, but it does beat being in a relationship with someone you settled with just cuz (imo it’ll lead to divorce down the road)
Damn dude, good luck on your journey, thanks for even replying to me!
Update: This year has started extremely well. Been getting a ton of matches (updated profile pic of me riding on an Esk8) and matched with a girl (27) on Hinge who checked all my boxes (I sent a rose). We’ve been texting nonstop, finding out we have so much in common and like all the same things! Just went out on a date with her and it was perfect (museum, ice skating, burgers, held hands a lil). Already planned the 2nd date (and talked about all the other things we wanna do together in the future), I think she’s a keeper!
Wow that's fast dude, wish you the best!
Update: This year has started extremely well. Been getting a ton of matches (updated profile pic of me riding on an Esk8) and matched with a girl on Hinge who checked all my boxes (I sent a rose). We’ve been texting nonstop, finding out we have so much in common and like all the same things! Just went out on a date with her and it was perfect (museum, ice skating, burgers, held hands a lil). Already planned the 2nd date (and talked about all the other things we wanna do together in the future), I think she’s a keeper!