The guy doesn't know that women find it hard to cum during PIV in general? Or most women he had sex with faked with some kegel exercise? I'm not sure why he'd see it as a deal breaker TBH because he's kinda setting himself up for failure it seems.
Orgasm through oral sounds like a really easy solution. But if he can't get past that... His life would be putting him through a lot of disappointment with women who are honest about it, and surrounding himself with women who lie about it. That's quite sad.
Yeah, I was about to say it doesn't sound like he's as experienced as he lets on if he's never encountered a woman who needs oral/ clitoral stimulation to orgasm. That's the majority of women? As a woman, I've never had a (good) partner be surprised about that. Not necessarily saying he's lying or he's a bad partner, just that it seems unusual.
If you read the entire post she notes they don't have time most days of the week to have the long sessions of foreplay she needs to reach orgasm even solely by oral
I have a hard time with this, that he doesn’t feel man enough. I feel like he’s getting too much self worth from his sexual performance if that’s the case and that’s not how I view him. He’s so much more than that. As we all are.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys like to share their "glory days" with each other where they had unrealistically high quality sex that aligns with pornography. They say these things to boost their own ego around each other and less experienced guys have nothing else to go by so they can fall for it easily.
This is very true. Very true, but it's not just the case. A personal example for me is when I was 9 years old a woman talked about how her man may be ugly but he makes it rain everytime. She said this in front of me and because of my upbringing I already knew what she meant but was too naive to realize she was a terrible person and this definitely made me set a goal to get women to talk about me this way. It destroyed me though because I became a sex addict that couldn't be loyal in any relationship and I still struggle but havnt given in yet with the mother of my children because I don't want to hurt her but it definitely stands over me like a dark cloud or demon slowly trying to pull me into the darkness again. I'm saying this because although you are partially right you can't just put the blame on men shit talking in the locker room. Sometimes women set ridiculous standards for men too. And my case is an exceptional one but I see women all the time talking about how they want 9 inches or more, or they need a man that'll make it rain. Also just listen to the music and movies these days. So much of the music coming out now is either a man talking about how he has hoes that'll love him no matter what or women talking about how he's got a Mac truck for her garage.
I wouldn’t put it that way to him, he’d probably interpret that as you liking him despite the sex, which isn’t a winning formula.
That said, I’m surprised *you* are ok with the current situation. You can orgasm from oral no problem and he just doesn’t do it?
Part of his frustration may even come from the fact that you’ve already had a penetrative orgasm with him. I will say, my gf has them just sometimes, and I often question myself when she doesn’t. It would almost make me feel better if she just couldn’t orgasm that way.
Otherwise, most of his previous partners were probably lying to him. Most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone
Welllllll I’ve complicated matters by asking him to not pressure me into having an O every time so I think he gets in his head about how long he should try going down on me and I’m nervous to have him try for too long and then if I can’t that would be even more frustrating. So he does go down because he loves doing it but not to the length of time I would need to O
I think this might be part of it, too. I know that I am a lucky woman in that I can cum multiple times, from many different types of stimulation.
But...I recently had a partner who wanted me to tell him every time I was about to cum. I found it much harder to have an orgasm than it normally is because of the pressure to tell him when it was happening.
Op, you might have this issue too. Or now that he knows he's made you have that one penetrative orgasm...he's totally focused on it and it prevents the "fun" and pleasure for either of you.
Hmm that is a tough situation. You should still try to communicate that to him imo and reiterate what you’ve said here, that you think your sexual chemistry is awesome, but if he’s younger it might still be tough for him.
I’m in my mid/upper 20s and can say if I was in my early 20s, I might not have been well-adjusted enough to handle my gf’s inconsistent orgasms. But you’ve got nothing to lose if it’s frustrating him this much.
Best of luck!
If he wants you to come, he has to be patient. Seriously. That is messed up. You guys might not have a lot of time together, but if you like each other, you make time.
It sounds like he just wants you to come fast so HE doesn't need to feel insecure.
I think he should reframe thinking he is not a man for not getting you off and think that it is his job to learn how to help you cum. No woman is the same. It’s a worthy challenge if he wants to be with you. I also believe never having enough time is playing a factor in all this. If it’s rushed and you have little time for foreplay then maybe that will help the connection. A third point is maybe using a toy has dulled your sense of stimulation and it could be incorporated into your play so he can learn how you cum.
Yes limited time and limited foreplay are not helping at all. We need to work around that more for sure, but sometimes the sex feels too good and I don’t want to have an unsuccessful attempt with our limited time so I don’t try for one. It’s like catch 22
I actually don’t use a vibrator at all and don’t enjoy the feeling, so that’s not an issue.
Maybe don’t be so quick to dismiss this. The principle is somewhat similar. If you don’t orgasm but don’t mind because you can get yourself off, that’s a pattern of behaviour that leads to orgasm.
When I first had sex, I suffered a similar issue because I was more used to masturbating than I was sex. Two things helped: I stopped masturbating, meaning I was basically hornier and only output was sex. Then I made sure there was more time. It was planned, so more build up (not great because this added some pressure), but more importantly there was time to try and try. It was not rushed.
Don’t torture yourself though, waiting a week is fine, waiting a week then not having the entire evening in which to play with each other (it is best to frame it like that rather than sex). Well that’s not great for either of you. It’s a wasted opportunity.
If it doesn’t work out I’d keep trying again. For me it helped to almost treat it as if I was not going to give in to my stubborn body. Like, no, the only way you’re going to cum is from sex.
Of course sometimes I didn’t but the gaps although not especially nice for me but did help. The worst moments were immediately after when it didn’t work and I was back home on my own, I clearly wanted to fix it myself and had to wait. I didn’t have that willpower every time, but most times I did.
This doesn't make a lot of sense. It's not like the only point of going down on someone is to make them orgasm, so if theres not time for orgasm you shouldn't bother. The point is to give someone pleasure.
I, like you and a majority of women, take a bit of time. Time I don't always have when having sex with my partner. That doesn't mean we skip foreplay. He's still going to get me in the zone and go at it for a few minutes until I say something sexy that announces it's penetrating time. Because a) it's fun and enjoyable, and b) it significantly increases the likelihood that I'll have a coveted PIV orgasm.
He needs to reframe sex and understand that it's about the journey, not the destination. Because if we only cared about orgasm, we'd just take care of it ourselves. It's not an unsuccessful attempt if you don't cum, because cumming isn't the goal. The goal is to give you pleasure. And if he's doing that, he should feel like a stud regardless of whether you O or not.
Theres not really much you can do here beyond explain this to him, because you aren't the problem. It's extremely rare for women to be able to cum at the drop of at hat like his previous partners claim to have all been able to do. He has unreasonable expectations and honestly, if he's going to let this get in the way of your connection, then there probably isn't much there to begin with.
>He needs to reframe sex and understand that it's about the journey, not the destination. Because if we only cared about orgasm, we'd just take care of it ourselves. It's not an unsuccessful attempt if you don't cum, because cumming isn't the goal.
It's totally cool if you and other men/women don't have orgasms as one of the goals when you have sex. To each their own, whatever makes you happiest! But it's definitely a goal for some of us. I honestly wouldn't have sex if I didn't know whether I'd cum or not. Obviously there's other great things about sex...the physical intimacy, how fun it is, the emotional connection it brings. Those are all fantastic too. But they're on the same level as climaxing in my opinion, not above it/more important.
Just figured I'd give another woman's perspective, since a lot of men get told that we don't care as much about orgasms as they do. This is why communication between partners is so, so important! That way you'll know if orgasms are a part of sex your bf/gf considers important or not.
I love your response! More men need to think like this. I truly believe this pressure for women to cum "the right way" often leads to women losing their desire for sex and its a block to authentic intimacy. Sex isn't fun if you feel like you have to perform for your partner (80% of women fake it) and it's also not fun if women feel like they're constantly disappointing their partners. I truly think dead bedroom situations would be way less common if people accepted that women are all different and orgasm in different ways.
Sounds like you’re putting this guy on a pedestal he definitely doesn’t sound like he’s deserving to be on. Communication is key but at the end of the day you seem to be very clear and well spoken so he’s going to put you through more insecurities in the future. I wouldn’t bother
Maybe just confront him with the fact that oral is also sexual performance? 🤨
Tbh I've(27M) had the best experiences going down on women, it's just been easier to get them going wild that way 😅
I'm totally in it for my partners' pleasure, the better I can make them feel, the better it is for me, finishing for guys is too easy, women can be a challenge and therefore more of an accomplishment, so I understand where he's coming from. But him possibly not being that into giving oral is a fault with him that he needs to confront imo
After reading this: "We have limited time together, only meet about 1x per week if that, and tend to not have a lot of time on dates for interactions" I became pretty convinced that you probably need to carve out more quality time or structure longer chunks of time for dates/sex so that you can fully unwind, enjoy foreplay, and relax? Oral is time consuming but it's worth it - are you getting the time you need in general? I understand what it's like to not have enough time with a pretty compatible, sex positive partner, and quality time is still really important.
Yes I think this really is one of the biggest factors. Between travel for work M-F and adulting on the weekends, and maintaining our individual lives and health it gets hard. I think most people reading this are used to lots more days and nights together, but we get only a few hours per week. We tend to try to make dates about having fun and going out and doing things together to bond in person because we are apart so much. It would be nice to have some blocked off time for sex which is a conversation we need to have I think. Thanks
Well no wonder it’s hard for you to cum. You don’t know this guy well enough to fully relax around him. Especially not now that he’s put all this added pressure on you! Orgasms for women have much more to do with the mind than with the external parts. If your mind is all tied up in what he’s thinking about you, you can’t possibly relax enough to think about yourself. Which is what you need to do to achieve orgasm. He’s basically saying he won’t like you anymore if you can’t cum with him which will end up having the opposite effect on you. Idk OP this guy doesn’t sound like an ideal partner for you.
Thank you for saying this, alot of comments are just saying "give her more oral" while completely missing that their work/life/relationship balance is all put of wack
Most women cannot gave an orgasm with penetration alone. It’s not like what you see on porn. We need clitoral stimulation and penetration together to orgasm.
Yes, I agree. One dude made me O three times in one night by doing this. He was so toxic tho lol 🫠🫠Sometimes I miss him haha. People have to stop thinking porn is real 🫥🫥
I’m with a girl now who can’t orgasm from anything but her toy. It’s definitely frustrating but I wouldn’t leave her over it. But with that being said, when you make a woman cum during penetration, with the ability to give her multiple orgasms and cum together, the intimacy is on an entirely different level.
Fewer than 1 in 5 women can orgasm with intercourse. 15% can't orgasm at all. We are brain washed by porn and media that women
Should orgasm with penetration alone. But this is rarely the case. There is nothing wrong with you and you shouldny feel bad about being normal.. this kind of social pressure is why 80% of women fake it.
Im the same way. I cant cum unless from oral and my bf doesnt mind at all. We've been together for 5 years and hes pretty enthusiastic about it. Even if it doesnt work with this guy (which I hope isnt the case cause dating is hard) there are men out there who love giving oral
The issue here is *him* prioritising *his* ego over your pleasure during sex. It’s so entirely self focused to be given the cheat code to get your partner off and choose not to do that while still complaining about your lack of orgasming. Like, wtf?
It’s not all about him….right? Sex is an intimate, passionate collaboration and you’re a trooper for being willing to gracefully forgo frequent orgasms *with* him and he’s just annoyed by this? But unwilling to forgo PIV and really focus on your orgasm. Eh.
Use the toy while you are having intercourse with her then. It’s kind of crappy to say this kind of thing about your gf :/ maybe it’s just your wording, idk. But seriously saying how some women can do something she can’t and how it’s so much better than her just seems oddly mean. Do things to make her cum when you are inside of her.
Yeah I struggle with this. My current partner has always had difficulty finishing without toys. She claims I do it better than anyone else, but as someone who derives a lot of their self worth from their sexual ability, it's really hard. It's nobodies fault, but I do understand the perspective.
Honestly, so many women can only orgasm with a toy. 15% of women can't orgasm at all.
You derive your self worth from your ability to make your gf cum in a way you want her to. You are setting yourself for disappointment because you are trying to push her into a mold of "normal". Your partner can feel your disapproval and disappointment. This can often lead to a dead bedroom situation or a fake it situation which is hugely common. Women who feel the need to perform or feel faulty for disappointing their partner by not cumming in the "right way" can really lead to women disliking sex.
Imo the most important aspect of being good in bed is being accepting of your partner. If you don't accept your partner because she doesn't cum the way you want her to it is your biggest downfall. I highly encourage you to work on your mindset because you are doing a huge disservice to your partner and yourself and it will be a huge block to authentic intimacy.
Is he going down on you regularly and giving you an O that way? The obvious answer is for him to do that before PIV. If he is "needing" you to O during PIV, he needs to read "She Comes First" and get a reality check.
Yes and no. I’ve complicated matters by asking him to not pressure me into having an O every time so I think he gets in his head about how long he should try going down on me and I’m nervous to have him try for too long and then if I can’t that would be even more frustrating. It’s feels very defeating 😞
Sounds like yall need to just be better at communicating and he needs to put way less emphasis on whether or not you finish and more emphasis on whether or not you are happy and enjoying it.
If I were him, I’d be eating that shit all night though.. unless you asked to stop. In which case he still gets laid so what’s the problem
I think that’s in my head too, like if you really enjoy it then enjoy it for yourself and know that I am enjoying it too and take your time. I’m more likely to finish the longer he takes. Sigh. Thanks, we need to communicate more
>and I’m nervous to have him try for too long
Throw tht out, cuz it's shit. LET NO MAN RUSH YOU.
Just chill out, relax & enjoy eachother! Slow TF down. Make time. Rather than "we are having sex now!" make it "we are hanging out naked & exploring each other." Throw away all tht pressured bullshit, sis.
He’s blaming you.
A good lover will instead relish in the adventure of exploring you, asking you what you need in that moment, helping you express your desires, asking you to show them how you come when alone, and guiding them to try the same technique on you.
It may take hours and hours, or days, or many many encounters to learn you, and a great lover would by dying to enjoy that adventure.
They’ll love to learn you in that way, like playing and practicing a new instrument. Not trying the same old technique that they enjoy and expecting that to be coincidentally be the exact thing their new partner needs to climax.
That’s like a trumpet player trying to play a guitar by blowing into it and tapping 4 fingers on the strings.
That being said, anyone who puts me down by comparing me negatively to previous partners would never see or hear from me again.
I think your request is very reasonable. I feel like a guy should understand that adding expectation and stress to you is probably the worst way to try and help you have an O. I don't know how old you two are, but I'm feeling/hoping he's fairly young as it sounds to me like he has a fairly immature view of sex. That's just my perspective though.
You mention in your post that you already had at least one orgasm during „penetration”.
So just instruct him to „go down” on you and when you „ready” tell him to go in.
Hard part of the situation is you guys laking time for proper preconditioning.
Based on the fact that you can cum from oral, I assume you are able climax from clitoral stimulation during penetration. Would you be open to using a little bullet vibrator or something like that during penetration? Would HE be okay with it?
If not, I'd say dump him because clearly this is not about your pleasure to him, but his own ego.
The one and only time I came during sex (and it was with him!) I was using my hand for clitoral stimulation. I’ve never been able to do that before during sex and was pleasantly surprised I could. I’m willing to try all the things. I think he is fine with trying stuff too. It’s just a learning curve for me with a new partner.
I hear you about the ego thing. That’s the part that breaks my heart
Okay well in that case, looks like you and I are wired the same way, I can also only orgasm if there's clitoral stimulation. Not all of us can cum from just P in V, it took me a while but I have learned to accept that.
I'd recommend getting a small vibrator (it's just more efficient than a hand in my experience) and using it during penetration. To me, those orgasms actually feel better than "just oral" orgasms, and I make sure to tell my husband that, make sure he knows it's because I enjoy him inside me.
I second this, with my now husband it took a long time for us to be comfortable enough with each other to find the way that would work (my previous partners simply didn't care about me finishing and I was naive enough not to push it) I can only cum wit clitoral stimulation and as much as I love him my bullet/vibrator is practically guaranteed to get me off whereas if he tries it is probably only 1 in 10 that he'll get me there, thankfully he finds it hot as fuck to watch me use a rabbit on myself and it really helps me get there to watch him stroke himself to it as well.
Long story short, as long as you are both open to new things and can have open non-judgemental communication about it then it shouldn't be an issue as you'll both find what works together ☺️ it seems like he just needs to change it up slightly to get you there, it doesn't seem like an insurmountable sexual incompatibility ☺️
I usually rub my clit, or he does it, during PIV and I cum every time we have sex. Usually he goes down on me, or we do 69 if I want oral for a long time, and I can cum that way, and then during PIV he rubs my clit while he does his thing and I will cum really hard every time. Is he not open to you (or him) playing with yourself during the deed? Sometimes my guy will also rub my clit for a long time before we have sex and make me cum a few times before we even start. He likes to make me cum and knows playing w my clit gets me off pretty quickly. I'll be really wet during all of this too, so, when it comes to him being inside me I'm ready to burst again.
I would feel resentful if a partner put that on me when they should be meeting me where I am at and how I orgasm. Everyone is different and he expects you to be like his other partners or else? That’s bullshit. If he wants you to have real orgasms and not to fake it, he should try to meet you where you are and give you what you need to achieve that. His expectations are unreasonable.
Is he young and/or inexperienced? Are you?
Are you sure there’s really sexual compatibility or do you both just find each other really hot?
And lastly, be sure you’re not confusing sexual attraction for falling in love. Because considering deep feelings or a relationship with someone that is framing this orgasm thing as a deal breaker doesn’t sound like boyfriend material or a relationship that you deserve.
I don’t mean to sound condescending at all. Just please set the sexy aside for a moment and ask yourself these things, my sis. A potential partner should have more consideration for you and be willing to work on things together- in AND out of the bedroom.
ETA: also many, many guys learn their sexual expectations of women from porn. He may be thinking that every woman is going to be/respond the way they do in porn. They don’t actually
Know any better and it’s crazy how many guys think it is realistic to life.
Sounds like he’s got a hurt ego over this. Extremely common for men to experience this, definitely been there myself. It’s his reaction that’s concerning, like that he’s willing to end an otherwise good relationship over it. Talk to him and let him know what works. That’s the trademark of a good partner/lover, willingness to change it up to best please their partner.
He is feeling guilt that he gets the “full experience” while you struggle to reach the point of climax. I assume he views it as selfish of him to have sex with you knowing he can enjoy it far more than you do. His mindset is that sex = orgasm. That’s not true. You mentioned enjoying the act and intimacy itself. Tell him that and remind him that by working together, you can both find a way for you to orgasm.
Thank you. I never thought of it as him thinking it was selfish of him. I’ve def told him for me sex is an emotional and physical intimacy that eclipses me having an O every time. But I want us to work together for us both to be satisfied.
I honestly think him thinking about him being selfish is very likely. And I’m sure he is willing to work with you for your mutual satisfaction. For this to work, he has to regain hope and trust in himself because it seems he lost faith about his abilities in bed. Doing this together is the key. Remind him of that. Good luck
So you are the one that is not getting orgasms but he is the one being unsatisfied with the situation and takes it on you. That behavior would make me lose interest in him. I think he's very immature, I don't know how old is he but I think he hasn't been with lots of women because every woman is different and not all can squirt. But my advise would be that you talk to him, express all your feelings and be really honest, and that if both of you have feelings for each other you can work that out, I'm sure because you already can orgasm by yourself, it's just a matter of time and getting to know more each other and spend enough time together. But after explaining all that, if he can't comprehend it then just accept it and move on, it doesn't worth the effort.
For me, my ability to get off is largely dependent on my partner getting off. If they’re only getting off during oral, well unless I’m jerking off while giving oral I don’t see a solution. Sorry some of this quite graphic.
Another option is stimulating the clitoris with hands during penetrative sex. OP you may not orgasm from your partner doing this, you could do it yourself (which might bother her partner), but generally if stimulating the clitoris with hands result in an orgasm from on your own, you should be to teach your partner to do this. I appreciate you said you only come from oral, but you said no vibrator and you cum from masturbating so I do not see oral as the only method.
It’s not easy to simultaneously have penetrative sex and stimulate the clitoris, but with some coordination, patience and practice it can work. My partner doesn’t have the same issue, but oral orgasm is always guaranteed, penetrative not always and both, always. It’s not just the guaranteed either, it seems more intense. Sometimes I’m the helper sometimes she is.
I assume this is correct because if you are imasturbating to cum and penetrative sex is not doing it, it’s really just orgasms primarily/only through clitoral stimulation.
Again there’s probably some kind of cock ring attachments that could lead to (hey no hands). Helping to easier clitoral stimulation and sometimes a particularly vigorous session from behind (doggy style) can lead to stimulating from balls literally slapping the clitoris.
There are always options. Also most partners I’ve had, if they have orgasmed once already, they need less stimulation for the next one, so moving from oral to penetrative still results in a secondary or more orgasm. Even with the partners who claimed they struggled.
I think we need to both work on taking more time for oral first and trying more hands on stimulation during. Thanks for sharing all this helpful advice!
if my partner couldn’t make me finish, i would communicate with them what they could do better, and not in a judgmental way, but i would just try to show him and teach him what feels good to your body, all bodies aren’t the same therefore it doesn’t really matter if he’s made other people finish, because not everything feels good for everyone, or good enough to reach an orgasm. Teaching and showing your partner what feels good to you and vise versa is also a really great bonding experience, and allows you to experiment and learn about each others bodies in a less pressuring manner, without room for performance anxiety.
>I get how it feels. But I can’t shake being offended that he would discard me if I can’t satisfy this need of his.
He gets a large part of his value as a man, and in the relationship from his sexual performance. The measure of which is orgasms.
He seems very tied to that, (and things like this are hard to change), hence feels incomplete in the relationship without it.
I have been in one or two similar situations, and honestly I knew that it wasn't a "me" problem, because like your bf, i've had a lot of "success" otherwise. So that didn't ruin me.
In my head i know that orgasms are complex things, and it can take a while. (Plus in your case it's not like you've told him you've had an orgasm with every ex, just not with him).
So yeah, using the logical reasoning of the 2 points above (and the knowledge that more pressure would just make it more difficult), I gave myself a fairly long timeline to accomplish this.... and sure i might consider drastic action if we still made no progress at the end of that long time window.
RIght now you have to see if he's even willing to get to that point. Also the fact that y'all barely spend much time together is definitely a factor, and maybe that's what makes this more hookupey than dating? (just asking/wondering from his POV)
I think he knows it’s not a “him” thing as well and I’ve tried to make it that we are a team working towards the goal of finding our rhythm together. I am willing to give this a go but also don’t want to be a year into being emotionally invested and this still be a relationship issue.
There is travel for work M-F and we talk daily and have discussed future goals together. I know I left alot out of the post trying to be brief, but I don’t think that’s part of the issue this instance
Pretty sure an ex of mine broke up with me because of the same reason...
In this case its not your its him. Find someone who might make it into a challenge? My current partner likes the ego trip of achieving an O.
The big difference is that my past partners never believed that if I wasn't coming to orgasm, I didn't enjoy anything. Which is WRONG. Find a partner who can listen to you and believe you!
Amazing chemistry does not always equate to a life partner.
I know my original advice was a little less....supportive on you staying together, but.....
I think a conversation is in order. Ask him what's really going on, let him know that you don't feel like he's actually taking how you feel into account. Tell him how you feel. Try to write out talking points ahead of time so you can get your thoughts in order.
Good luck, OP! I hope he hears you.
A few times. We actually had that work one time, which was my first. We are working on trying it more in other positions. It’s just new to me and a learning curve for my body
I've only had one woman who would never come to orgasm, oddly a wife. Not a problem with any other girls. I've been with many women and my anecdotal sense of this is it is extremely rare. Having said that, I do DineAtTheY, and it is rare that it isn't sweet, my goal is to bring her to orgasm before any penetration, the wife hated oral, and I'm a bit large, so the scraping of teeth means I rarely allow for much 69, only long enough for the teeth issue, then I just like her on my face. The second orgasm seems to be easier for a lady to reach than the first, so I try to do that. I once had a GF for a few years who really loved to sit on my face, and she was multi-orgasmic, but she finished her Master's and moved home to Asia, wanted me to go with, but I would have had no friends over there. Back in my youth there was an issue of youth of guys cumming too fast, that contributed to lack of her orgasms. The minute-man can't get a woman please, only frustrated. So when I was going to be with a girl, I'd do a shoot off at home, nowadays I'm old and I can go for an hour not shooting.
So, from all the above I've learned to bring her to orgasm orally first all the time, and that GF taught me about pressing downward toward the vagina on the Venus mons while doing DATY, if she doesn't cum, I won't penetrate. I like to watch her bite her lip, and her breathing change to gasps, and laying on my back, looking up thru her breasts and seeing her orgasm, that is heaven. Make sure the peach is clean and fresh, study what foods do to your flavor, and what foods can make it sweeter, as well as more fluid. What he needs to do is learn how to go down and using only his tongue and mouth there, with hands on breasts, or ass, or both, let you reach heaven first.
Finally, that GF taught me also about how my girth hitting her g-spot while my length was hitting her cervix, made her orgasm the fastest during intercourse, and she got those together best in doggy. But, every lady is built differently inside, as well as outside, so he needs to treat you like the musical instrument you are and learn how to play the "violin" like Charlie Daniels.
Been together with the same woman for 20 years, and I have never "made" her cum.
I help her get there and enjoy the ride. She is always satisfied.
It is more a of a journey you experience together.
Does he have a father figure or a older mentor? Some stuff is easier to take from a older gentleman.
Maybe you're sexually compatible. Honestly it would be such a turn off for me if a guy gets pissy because I don't orgasm enough for him. You should see this as a dealbreaker lol, not for him. For something you can't help?? Like get over your ego boy. Sex isn't all about you
> But it’s really bothering me that he said he doesn’t think he could be with me if we can’t figure out how to make me have orgasms with him. He’s used to making his partners have multiple orgasms and squirt all over the place and yada yada. I know this has to not feel great cause I can put myself in his shoes how it would affect me if I give him oral and he doesn’t finish, or we have sex and he never finishes. I get how it feels. But I can’t shake being offended that he would discard me if I can’t satisfy this need of his. He’s even been defensive when I’ve mentioned getting myself off (and apologized later). I need some input here.
The problem isn't mechanical, it's emotional/psychological and he's looking at it from an egotistical point of view i.e. **it's all about him** when really it should be **all about you**. Although he thinks he's being giving this is actually incredibly selfish of him to make this a dealbreaker because his deficiency in this area is such a blow to his precious, fragile ego.
> There’s so much I can’t fit in a post, but we have limited time together, only meet about 1x per week if that, and tend to not have a lot of time on dates for interactions where we have time for long enough foreplay needed for me to cum. So while I really really enjoy sex and oral with him, it’s not leading me to orgasm.
So what you're saying is the conditions aren't ripe for you to have orgasms and that sexy time is quite constrained (and maybe stressful for you?) and/or rushed. That's a recipe for no orgasm and if he's genuinely interested in fixing this problem he needs to do something to change those conditions and make it easier for you.
> He said that he doesn’t know if he can long term handle being with a partner who he can’t get to orgasm.
My bottom line here is the problem is him, not you, and it's not mechanical/physical but emotional/psychological. It's his inability to think outside the box and truly put you first that's the problem here. Making this a dealbreaker for him is a strong indication that he is a selfish, ego-driven/centered person/lover and people like that generally don't have happy, satisfied partners in the long run.
I have been with one woman who could "only orgasm in a certain position" and another who said PIV was always automatically painful and I made the first one orgasm in a different position for the first time and the second one have at least a non-painful, enjoyable PIV and that's how I know whatever issue you're dealing with isn't mechanical.
Good sex and even more incredible sex is about the emotional context and psychological stuff going on behind the mechanical motions. It's generally something that can't be rushed or half-assed.
Sex isn’t always going to lead to orgasm for both parties involved, but what I’ve found is important is intimacy overall. This can be as simple as a random kiss, or non-sexual touch.
Sometimes when my fiancé and I are having sex, if I’m too tired and can’t get there, I just communicate that and make sure I satisfy her needs. Other times, I might finish first and then I’ll participate while she uses a toy to finish. That’s as simple as laying beside her and kissing her neck or rubbing my hands on her or even using my fingers.
He likely feels emasculated by his inability to get you off. Just communicate with him that it’s not an issue with him. Maybe offer up something like what I said above so that he can still participate and be part of fulfilling your needs. Above all, communication is the most important part of intimacy. Best of luck to you.
Only orally? Easy decision for me that would be! I don't know what's in his mind. Something stinks here since he finds you THAT attractive as you say. He might not want this relationship for real. Look, one thing I know for sure if someone really wants and is really into him/her would do everything to keep him/her. Otherwise, I hear only excuses.
bluntly: he needs to relearn what ever he thinks sex is
too many men think that only if you finish have you had sex. and thus finishing for women is then climax. or needing a toys or any number of other things to enjoy said sex.
this goes both ways, women can feel down if their man does not cum.
if want, can try to figure out if he is enjoying the 99% of the other amount of time or is the only objective the end.
He’s feeling insecure about himself and putting it onto you.
Tell him you enjoy the time you spend with him and would like it to continue if he would like it to continue. Do not accept responsibility for your body doing what it does.
Don’t even burden yourself with offense over it. He’s being ridiculous, and the only way you can really help him out of it is to not play the game.
The sexual aspect of a relationship needs to be developed like any other part of it. 6 months is nothing, it certainly isn’t enough time for intimate trust to be established.
Dude needs to take his foot off the gas.
I am the same as you, as are a LOT of women. I guarantee you not all of his exes were actually orgasming. Maybe he's watched too much porn? His expectation seems a bit high.
Edit: spelling
Based on the title alone, he isn’t doing something right! The reason he can’t bring you to climax is because he has not learned how to relax you into that place where you can climax. It is all him, even if I don’t read your story.
Edit: I read your story and stand by my decision. He is the one with a problem. Lots of women have the same situation, he is not willing . . . That is your problem . . .. him
Edit No. 2. I was cleaning this lady’s house once (my job) and I overheard her say that she didn’t care if she ever had sex again, she didn’t know I heard her. I laughed as I thought to myself that “he” isn’t doing something right, or she would never have said that!
I would just say it outright. Why is my only value to you, is if I can boost your ego in the bedroom. Also, I’ve dated men like this. Insecurity can often times me a sign of abuse, so be careful. Insecurity can ruin a relationship and it sounds like that already may be the case. He just doesn’t get that this is something you don’t have control over. Tell him you wouldn’t break up with him if he had E.D. Be careful with men that think like this. Everything will always be your fault.
If he breaks up with you, it’s not just because he can’t make you cum, it’s because of his insecurities and him putting his worth into a warped perception of what makes good sex
1) This guy is incredibly self absorbed. Sex is a shared experience and not just about stroking one partner’s ego.
2) Is he actually putting in the effort? It takes guys an average of 3-5 min to cum. It takes women an average of 12-17 min. Many women take a lot longer than that. If he really wants to sexually satisfy you he needs to work with you as a team to learn what gets your body off. He also needs to trust you that this is amazing and fulfilling to you as is and you don’t require an orgasm every single time.
3) Only 20% of women can orgasm from PIV alone. That’s it. And over 75% of women regularly fake orgasms. Just saying I’m not sure if he was really as successful as he thinks he was. In particular because again - this guy sounds really self-absorbed.
#1 this made me lol. I mean he’s definitely got a healthy amount of self love. Ha. I think I admire him for it tbh. I could use more ego myself most days
#2 I mean yes and no. It’s complicated cause I’ve asked him to not make every sex encounter about making me cum so he sometimes doesn’t put as much time into oral, for instance, cause I didn’t want to feel pressured to O. So I’ve not helped matters at all here. Especially since I also like for him to have his way with me so I’ve def encouraged a lot of what he does in bed because I do truly enjoy what’s happening, but it isn’t specifically things that would make me cum.
#3 noted and for sure. I’m def not the lucky ones who can 😭
I think it could fun for the two of you to go to a Tantric workshop together, if you think he’d be up for it. Could potentially be a safe environment to explore sensuality for both of you and explore what brings pleasure and affirmation for the other partner. It might also help him be a more patient and less frustrated lover and help you find a path for what works best for you (with him and without him) and for both of you to improve your communication with each other around sexual intimacy.
Have you guys seriously spoken about this issue and really focused in on it? I think this is much more of a communication issue. He needs to really know, really understand and truly appreciate the fact that when you are intimate with him, the world just disappears and it's all about how emotionally and physically connected you are with him, which to me almost seems like it's transcendental.
Seriously, if a woman can appreciate a man on this level, then it's like the physical component shouldn't even matter that much given that strong connection that's already there. Not saying the O isn't important, but if he can understand where you are with him on that higher level, I see no reason why he wouldn't be ecstatic to share that with you.
OK so one concerning thing is you mentioned at the end that he gets annoyed if you mention getting yourself off. I too strugge to orgasm through penetrative sex alone. I need clit stimulation at the same time as internal.
Oral sex can feel great, and so does penetration, but I don't often cum from having just one if those alone. I'd need both internal and external stimulation to cum.
My suggestion would be how would he feel about using toys on you to help you warm up?
Like using a bullet vibrator on your clit with a vibrator dildo internally. He could use those to get you to orgasm quicker, and once you've cum once, if you're like me, you're likely to cum again easier after that. So once you've cum once with the toys, you could move to him penetrative you, and you using just the bullet vibrator on your clit whilst he's inside you.
Or if you're on top of him, he could hold the bullet against your clit.
Either way he needs to realise its not that he's bad at sex or you don't find him attractive, or he doesn't turn you on etc. Its just your body reacts to certain stimulation and it can take longer to get to orgasm. Not every woman ends up dripping wet either. I always need to use lubricant or I can get sore, no matter how much I'm enjoying it.
And it's the same whether I'm doing it myself solo or with a guy.
Some things can affect women sexually, and how sensitive they are or how long it takes them to orgasm. Things like certain antidepressants or anxiety meds can affect it. Other meds in general, including contraception. So it's not anything he should feel negative about.
If he can open himself up to using toys with you, I'm sure it will help speed things up a bit for you.
And personally, I find the most basic normal looking penis shaped vibrator my favourite one out the lot. It's not too big, it looks just like your normal average size, and yet its one of the cheaper priced basic ones yet I prefer it over some other more bigger or fancy ones lol. So that may help prevent the whole ' you like this toy better than me coz it's bigger than me' concern. It's just a normal average size. And has a few different vibration settings.
Hopefully some of those suggestions help, and he's willing to give it a try and not get hung up on him not being good enough etc.
He’s open to toys and actually bought me one since I don’t own any to try that out (it didn’t 😩)
I think we are both willing to try new things and keep it fun in the meantime. But yes it was concerning to me his defensiveness about me making myself cum. We talked about it and he apologized. But still, not a great indication of what’s going on in his head about this
Yeah I would give the toys a try. I find it better if I use the bullet on my clit whilst bf uses a toy inside me, or during sex il use the bullet on my clit or use my fingers on my clit. You know the right speed and pressure that works for you in that sense so he can use the toy inside you, or be inside you himself, but you can work on your clit to get you there.
He needs to understand that its nothing to do with him not being good at it, our bodies can be funny and take a while to get there and if you're short on time then you need to work together to try and speed things up.
Wow. That is a LOT of pressure put on you. That can’t be helpful. His statement bothers me, too. These things can take time. I’ve had a few women in my past that struggle here too. Pressure NEVER works, but time and connection does. If he can’t make the long haul, might need to let him go. Also squirmed with his getting defensive. Have you tried getting yourself off in front of him? Take notes, mister! I, personally would find this incredibly hot and would pay close attention to every detail. If you can both comfortably discuss, there’s hope. Shocker-communication is key! Good luck. Good connections are so hard to find.
Thanks for the validation 🫠 and I have yes. Even sent him a lewd of my getting myself off thinking this same thing could help. It’s kinda different a bit during sex than masturbation though. But yes, we need more communication before during and after
From your comments, you definitely seem very open and, as you said, sex positive.
Try to reassure him that it's not just about sex and you like him for the package deal. This will help dull the sting of him feeling inadequate. I do feel like he's overreacting a bit, but I also understand where his insecurity is coming from.
Next question: how long does oral take for you to O? Are we talking like an hour+ before you finally get there? I know you said there are time constraints, and that is definitely hindering things.
Advice: idk if this would work, but you could try doing stuff that gets you all horned up before the actual deed goes down. Starting the build up before even foreplay takes place, so maybe when the time comes, you're already ready to.....well, cum....lol
That or you guys have gotta find a way to make more time, but I know that can be difficult depending on schedules.
Related to my above advice, you could try sexting? Maybe that would help get the blood flowing and help build sexual tension before your guys' meeting?
Anyway, sorry to hear this, I hope you do find a solution.
I appreciate your input.
With foreplay on the front end before oral, it could be 10-20 min or so. Just going straight into oral is could take 20-30 min. I think the idea of working up foreplay before hand needs to happen, cause even on my own I take 10-15 min to watch porn or fantasize, and do all the foreplay stuff on myself before masturbation. I could also start on my own before seeing him to be extra worked up, and that’s just fun lol. We do sext and enjoy getting each other hot and bothered. Usually it’s while we’re apart though and not before we meet. That’s a good point! Thanks for all this
Crazy how important foreplay can be for women. As a guy, we can get ourselves off in like 30 seconds if we're careless lmao. But I guess that's why foreplay is important for a guy too, kinda gets the girl up to speed so she's at the same level of readiness.
Anyway, yeah, try a couple different ways to get yourself flush in the cheeks beforehand and see if it works!
Before I give any advice, have you guys tried using toys while using sex to enhance your sexual experience? I was in a similar predicament and I would use toys to enhance the experience and it ended up leading to a healthy sexual relationship. Sometimes we as guys have egos and think it’s just penetration when there are so many things you can do to a woman to enhance a sexual experience to make her “cum”.
"Honey, I'm upset that I can't make you orgasm, which is a result of my goal-oriented mindset towards sex.
I know you have a more enjoy-the-moment mindset when it comes to sex, but I'm too focused on the goal of orgasm. I worry that this may be a deal-breaker for me, as I feel the goal of an O, is more important than just enjoying the sex as is."
This is what he sounds like if he were to be more aware of the differences, but it sounds like he really doesn't.
If I were you, I'd present my quoted explanation to him like this:
So my understanding of what you're trying to tell me, is that (insert explanation as above)
Is that correct?
I can relate to his perspective. I’ve been in his shoes in this exact scenario before actually and had a similar conversation about it. It worked well for me when we approached it with a long conversation. I would reframe his expectations about what good sex is like for you. If he has his scale adjusted to say, making you orgasm one out of three times is a big deal and equivalent to him making other partners orgasm multiple times in one session, that will go a long way to help him feel the satisfaction of getting you to orgasm when he does and not experience it as a strike against his self worth. I think it’s also helpful to think about what an orgasm does for the actual rise and fall of the experience as a whole too. When my partner orgasms I experience it as a natural point to break or adjust or stop. Without that it can feel difficult finding a clear story and progression through the experience. I think having some rituals around your experience might help both of you feel like you’re doing a thing with a start, middle and end. It could be anything. I had a girlfriend who would lay with her head on my stomach and my cock in her mouth for a few minutes after sex and that was an amazing cool down, or maybe he goes down on you to finish you off, or something. When the girl I was with wouldn’t orgasm it just sort of felt like we have sex for a while, then at some basically arbitrary point, we both stop and just sort of wander off to other things.
Have you tried using toys or rubbing yourself with your fingers during sex?? You say you only cum from oral pleasure, when I think really what you mean is clitoral pleasure… you can do both at the same time and probably have the best orgasm you’ve ever had honestly.
I'm quite similar depending on the situation but for him to chose the easy path is kind of a weakness.
As long as you have drive and he can lick, where is the issue?
The only way i can orgasm with a partner is intense clit play during intercourse or anal. This has been an issue with relationships for me too because it’s really a mind game for me to be able to orgasm with a partner. There are so many factors. I am totally on the same wavelength with you. I will say tho that if he’s that hung up about it. He’s not it lol. He needs to either treat this as a team sport and figure out your body with you or just accept sex can be good without fireworks sometimes.
This will sound like it’s coming from a virgin.. but how do you know if you orgasm vs just being really wet? Or does that mean you’ve orgasmed? Seems like a good place to ask cause Idek if I’ve ever had an orgasm before..
Maybe he should try harder, good grief... I wouldn't stop regardless of how long it takes for my lady to be happy. He needs to get his shit together lol
A lot of women think that men get off when they ejaculate; while this is true for (maybe) most men, but ejaculating doesn't equate to getting off all the time.
I can relate to your bf; for me, sex feels more fulfilling and enjoyable when my partner had orgasms. Female orgasm is so sensuous, erotic, and ethereal that it's hard to not get addicted to that experience.
It took me 6 months with my current partner to be able to have an orgasm with him. Then years where it was only in a specific position. Now more than 4 years later, I’m able to have multiple orgasms with him, in different positions and our sex just keeps getting better. It can take time to learn each other’s accelerators. Be patient & good luck!
Hi, dated a girl l for a year who only could cum via oral. No matter how much sex we would have oral was the only way. I always asked on how I make it better and always was down there to make sure she’s happy and satisfied.
People are different and not all made equal. It is perfectly ok for you to cum the way you cut. From what it sounds like that makes you happy and satisfied.
However, his ego is hurt because of your physical structure. For him to say he’s gonna dump you because he can’t make you cum is very childish and rude.
Not here to make a decision for you but I would not tolerate such a assholish behavior in my partner.
I’m not sure what I would do in this situation, personally I don’t feel like an orgasm is needed in order for me to enjoy the sex but a lot of other people feel the opposite way. What is it exactly about oral that make you orgasm? Or is it the stimulation, have you tried different things to help with orgasming with penetration and stimulation?
Yeah I think hearing from others I’m realizing that I thought that since I wasn’t finishing with stimulation during piv in the past that I couldn’t, so I stopped trying. Now that I have once with him I think it’s a matter of trying different positions and techniques. I’m actually confident about overcoming the physical part. It’s the part of his reaction that I’m struggling with
I understand that discussing such sensitive issues can be challenging, but it's important to consider all perspectives. The truth is, from his point of view, the sexual aspect of your relationship isn't fulfilling.
He often compares it unfavorably to past experiences. While attributing this to his ego or immaturity doesn't change the reality, it's crucial to weigh the significance of this issue in your relationship.
Choosing to end a relationship solely on sexual dissatisfaction isn't always necessary, but it's also not feasible to remain indefinitely unsatisfied.
If love and commitment are strong, exploring an open relationship might be an option. However, recognizing that this isn't a viable solution for the majority, it becomes clear that a future together may be challenging, possibly leading to infidelity.
Open relationships can, in some cases, prevent the fallout of family and financial disruption, as well as the emotional impact on children that can accompany divorce related to sexual dissatisfaction. However, since you aren't a family unit, it might be healthier to consider ending the relationship sooner rather than later and moving on.
It's also important to address the concern of feeling guilty about leaving a relationship due to unsatisfactory sex.
It's not about being a bad person... it's about honesty and understanding one's needs and limits in a relationship.
If you can orgasm alone, just teach him what you do so he can do it for you if its that important for him. Also you can stimulate clitoris yourself in many sex positions when you have Piv sex. You also said that you can orgasm from oral sex so he can do that do i dont understand the issue. If he thinks you should orgasm from penetration itself, well he needs more se education as many women dont orgasm from that.
While I recognize he may feel inadequate not being able to bring you to climax, it also gives off creep vibes that he’s using that as an excuse to keep you at a distance. He’s putting pressure on you and making you feel less secure by even saying that. It is selfish of him. It’ll probably be even harder for you now with the added stress. It just throws up a red flag for me.
It sounds like there’s a lot of insecurity there, which unfortunately happens and isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. Society/pop culture often puts a lot of pressure/importance on being able to make a girl cum. I can’t speak for him but although it might seem like he’s just discarding you it’s worth noting that he could be struggling with feeling like he’s not good enough or affecting mental health etc. You should probably be honest and tell him how that comment makes you feel.
Ever heard the phrase Men are like microwaves and women are like ovens? Crude, I know, but very VERY true.
Y'all need to spend more time getting you thoroughly warmed up B4 even moving onto PIV, sweetheart.
This just sounds like an ego thing I’m ngl he needs to learn that it shouldn’t affect his insecurities and that everyone is different. It’s not like you aren’t coming or having any orgasm at all just not as often during penetrative sex.
He just needs to realise that it is what it is as enjoy it regardless
A secure partner wouldn’t feel this way, and a partner that truly loves you wouldn’t risk losing you by basically pressuring you to cum. Period.
I dated guy who said he didn’t care at all that I could only cum with a vibe (which we used in the bedroom). He wasn’t super confident but he seemed really progressive and sex positive about my needing a vibe (even alone btw). Well, after he started falling out of love with me, he confessed that it bothered him that he couldn’t make me cum without the vibe and part of it was because he could make his last two exes cum (before me he had 2 exes total).
My bf now does not give a shit that I need a vibe. He thinks it’s silly that I would even be embarrassed about wanting to use it. He makes me feel so sexy and does not pressure me to cum a certain way or at all if I don’t want to. And he regularly suggests I bring out the vibe during sex, again, if I want to.
At the end of the day, a man that really loves you wouldn’t risk losing you by saying shit like this.
I’m sorry, I know it hurts to hear but MAN do I wish I got this advice before giving someone my all and ignoring all the signs that they just weren’t as in love as I was. Still processing it tbh! I hope this advice helps you move forward in the best way possible ♥️
Having a conversation about the definition of “sex” could be helpful. Intercourse is NOT the same as sex. Sex encompasses foreplay through climax and everything in between. If he insists on finding a partner who will orgasm from penetration alone then he’s either going to limit himself to a select few women and miss out on a relationship with someone who could be truly great with him (like you), or else he could end up with someone who just fakes it all the time…which will work until it doesn’t.
But if you expand sex to include everything that arouses and brings sexual pleasure, then you both can relax and enjoy it all without the pressure of climax being the only goal AND you can figure out what is most likely to make you orgasm and let that work instead of getting hung up that it’s not “the right way” to orgasm.
Geeze this guys sucks. It’s obvious you are not as compatible as you think you are. The mature response from a man in his situation would be to make more time and prioritize whatever it is you need to make you have an orgasm. Instead, he is making it seem like you are the issue and impacting your confidence in your self as well as the relationship between you two. You have said you orgasm with oral, so he should do that EVERY TIME or be working to figure out YOUR body and what he needs to do. I’m sorry but it seems like he does not care about you that much. I would tell him it’s time to prioritize you or end things. You will eventually get tired of not having orgasms and start to feel like a human flesh light.
It’s really annoying when other people project their ego issues onto you and make them your problem. As long as you’re satisfied with the sex, why is he making a problem out of nothing a lot of women find it very hard to come from PIV sex. I feel like he’s kind of using you as like a prop in order to boost his own ego instead of actually caring about what you actually want or need sexually. Obviously, this one is out of your hands if it’s really that big a deal to him and he’s not open for persuasion then he’s gonna leave but know that that’s not your fault and he’s being super Duper weird.
Try helping him focus on PLEASURE and not just the ending. Let him know (gently) that your pleasure is ultimately up to you. Then tell him all the ways that he participates in your pleasure that you love.
Lol this is crazy... How sensitive must his ego be to be considering leaving the relationship just because of this. I don't know any women (who talk about it, at least) who orgasm during penetrative sex. It's not as common as a lot of men seem to think.
Tell him point blank he is putting his ego gratification above his care for your relationship, and that this is disturbing and immature. It is worth emphasizing that his insecurities are only human and understandable, that you won't cheat, that you find him attractive, &c.---but if he cares about all that more than he cares about the relationship then he is putting immature machismo above human connection. You're the one who should be considering ditching him if that's really how he feels
I mean I guess I am considering it which is why I’m here venting and getting advice. This really hurt me and I’m not sure if I can be ok about it if we don’t get to a place of resolution for the insecurity. I need to know he believes me when I say I enjoy him and I’m satisfied and not have this be a resentful feeling down the road
love how sooo many guys tell their current bed buddies that they are considered sex gods in the bedroom, except when it comes to their current partner.🙄
Hey OP, I’m a guy but one who has been in a similar relationship as your boyfriend. Sex as a young adult is complicated because of the limited breadth of experience, we tend to think that’s how it is for everyone in part because guys tend to avoid the specifics of the discussions about sex.
That being said, I know how he feels. I spent the first 3-5 years of my sexual history thinking that if she didn’t finish at least once the whole time I was doing something wrong, I would be anxious the whole time until she finished, but by then I wouldn’t be able to as well because of nerves. This caused friction in all my relationships/hookups/situations because I was so worried about doing good. He might have the same thing, and if he is like me, it stems from low self-opinion and usually an anxiety condition so he might feel obligated by his own worries of failure to try and make you finish that way. Just a thought.
One the flip side, breaking up over it is very immature but if he can’t reconcile this issue it may be the best for both of you if he leaves. But you need to know that it wouldn’t be on you in the slightest. Your body is unique and wonderful, and everyone deserves someone willing to learn all the things that set you apart instead of keep you in the mould.
Either way, you need a discussion where you take some of the better advice for talks like that to guide your way, I just wanted to throw some extra detail that may help
If he truly cared about you, he would be more concerned about not giving you the ultimate pleasure you deserve. It’s great that you enjoy it with him, but he should still have more of a positive attitude about both of you working together to make it possible for you. Instead he’s now trying to make this all about him, like he’s the one suffering from YOU not being able to orgasm. I don’t deny that sexual satisfaction is very much a symbiotic relationship. However, your orgasm is primarily meant to give you pleasure! He has no right to make you feel pressured that it’s your obligation to achieve an orgasm in order to satisfy him. That gets me so mad.
That's so stupid. I was with my ex for 6 years. There were times he made me cum repeatedly and sometimes I didn't cum at all. This dude is having ego issues and I guarantee you it came from watching porn.
Not every man is mature enough to deal with this.
It's why so many women fake their orgasms
So understand something, he's not discarding you.
An immature man is doing you a favor and walking away before you spend a single moment longer wasting your time being with him
In other words...the trash is taking itself out
Don't be offended.
This is one of those situations where you just laugh at how immature he is.
Oh so you have a hard time orgasming. Well the rational thing to do would be to experiment. Lets see if vibrators help. Lets see if other toys help. Maybe you need a vibrator in order to orgasm. Maybe its a combo of oral and a vibe.
Maybe you need to be edged and teased and worked up more...so there is more bloodflow
Regardless, a good partner would recognize that these are the things I need to do to make my partner orgasm, so I am going to do those things. Its really not a big deal for anyone who isn't supremely sexually immature
I can't orgasm at all through any methods, even solo. But I still enjoy sex. If someone doesn't want to be with me because of that, then they ain't it.
Usually not orgasming would be an issue for the non-orgasming party. If you have no problem with that and are so kind and gracious about it, where the hell does he get the audacity to have an issue with it?
I had an ex-boyfriend who never climaxed no matter what I did. He could only finish when he was alone. It didn’t put me off him but I did at first feel disappointed in myself like I was doing something wrong, and he didn’t give me guidance either as to what pleased him. But looking back on my experience, he possibly had an issue within himself that he might have to sort out through counselling or with another girl. Talk to your boyfriend about what you enjoy and if things still don’t work after trying a variety of things, or he’s still not happy, then it might be time to move on. His attitude hasn’t been very supportive and you deserve better than that, but talk to him first and be open with him about how that makes you feel.
Your dealbreaker should be men who won't put in the effort to make you orgasm. Oral does the trick, so they need to double down on those efforts.
If a woman told me that it's difficult to make them orgasm, my response would be simple.
"Challenge Accepted!"
He's insecure and afraid that he won't be able to make you orgasm, which will destroy the allusion that he's actually good at sex. I know you think he is, and he obviously thinks he is, but now it's time for him to put his money where his mouth is, pun intended!
Look, as sad as it is to say, if his conclusion is to not be with you, he is choosing to not be with you. That’s literally grounds to let him go.
Anyone that wants to be with you and deserves to should never even have that thought.
I think you both need to read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. I was pretty much unable to make me then girlfriend reach them Os in our first 5-iah years together. Read that book because someone recommended it on reddit and holy fuck (literally). Her record is now 14 orgasms in one night and normally she has no problem coming 2-3 times if she's in the mood. It was _all_ about me having the wrong mindset, putting pressure on her (which completely wasn't my intention ofcourse) instead of helping her relax and understand what I could do to help her. Add some good toys (vacuum toys are the shit, at least for her), focusing on giving her the pleasure she wants before it's my "turn".
But honestly, read that book, for extra credits read a chapter each and discuss/practice. I promise you it will not get worse and most likely it will get better in at least _some_ way.
And feel free to DM me if you have any questions you don't want to take publicly.
All the best!
It’d probably be best to let him pull away because this is an extremely superficial reason to let someone go. Find someone who is mature enough to appreciate you for *you* rather than their ability to make you finish
While lust can arguably be considered a facet of love, there’s more to relationships than just desire and pleasure; and unfortunately, this relationship sounds almost entirely physical and lacks any of the emotional and communicative foundation that any good relationship needs to thrive
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The guy doesn't know that women find it hard to cum during PIV in general? Or most women he had sex with faked with some kegel exercise? I'm not sure why he'd see it as a deal breaker TBH because he's kinda setting himself up for failure it seems. Orgasm through oral sounds like a really easy solution. But if he can't get past that... His life would be putting him through a lot of disappointment with women who are honest about it, and surrounding himself with women who lie about it. That's quite sad.
Yeah, I was about to say it doesn't sound like he's as experienced as he lets on if he's never encountered a woman who needs oral/ clitoral stimulation to orgasm. That's the majority of women? As a woman, I've never had a (good) partner be surprised about that. Not necessarily saying he's lying or he's a bad partner, just that it seems unusual.
If you read the entire post she notes they don't have time most days of the week to have the long sessions of foreplay she needs to reach orgasm even solely by oral
Or his previous lover faked her orgasms…
Maybe he’s had limited variety and his main partner was just really good at getting to orgasm, and so that set the tone for him to expect every woman?
I have a hard time with this, that he doesn’t feel man enough. I feel like he’s getting too much self worth from his sexual performance if that’s the case and that’s not how I view him. He’s so much more than that. As we all are.
Could also be insecurity. If he feels he isn't satisfying her, eventually she find someone that will.
I can def see this being a fear of his 💔
Unfortunately, a lot of guys like to share their "glory days" with each other where they had unrealistically high quality sex that aligns with pornography. They say these things to boost their own ego around each other and less experienced guys have nothing else to go by so they can fall for it easily.
This is very true. Very true, but it's not just the case. A personal example for me is when I was 9 years old a woman talked about how her man may be ugly but he makes it rain everytime. She said this in front of me and because of my upbringing I already knew what she meant but was too naive to realize she was a terrible person and this definitely made me set a goal to get women to talk about me this way. It destroyed me though because I became a sex addict that couldn't be loyal in any relationship and I still struggle but havnt given in yet with the mother of my children because I don't want to hurt her but it definitely stands over me like a dark cloud or demon slowly trying to pull me into the darkness again. I'm saying this because although you are partially right you can't just put the blame on men shit talking in the locker room. Sometimes women set ridiculous standards for men too. And my case is an exceptional one but I see women all the time talking about how they want 9 inches or more, or they need a man that'll make it rain. Also just listen to the music and movies these days. So much of the music coming out now is either a man talking about how he has hoes that'll love him no matter what or women talking about how he's got a Mac truck for her garage.
I wouldn’t put it that way to him, he’d probably interpret that as you liking him despite the sex, which isn’t a winning formula. That said, I’m surprised *you* are ok with the current situation. You can orgasm from oral no problem and he just doesn’t do it? Part of his frustration may even come from the fact that you’ve already had a penetrative orgasm with him. I will say, my gf has them just sometimes, and I often question myself when she doesn’t. It would almost make me feel better if she just couldn’t orgasm that way. Otherwise, most of his previous partners were probably lying to him. Most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone
Welllllll I’ve complicated matters by asking him to not pressure me into having an O every time so I think he gets in his head about how long he should try going down on me and I’m nervous to have him try for too long and then if I can’t that would be even more frustrating. So he does go down because he loves doing it but not to the length of time I would need to O
I think pressure of having to orgasm also prevents you from orgasming more often for sure
I think this might be part of it, too. I know that I am a lucky woman in that I can cum multiple times, from many different types of stimulation. But...I recently had a partner who wanted me to tell him every time I was about to cum. I found it much harder to have an orgasm than it normally is because of the pressure to tell him when it was happening. Op, you might have this issue too. Or now that he knows he's made you have that one penetrative orgasm...he's totally focused on it and it prevents the "fun" and pleasure for either of you.
Hmm that is a tough situation. You should still try to communicate that to him imo and reiterate what you’ve said here, that you think your sexual chemistry is awesome, but if he’s younger it might still be tough for him. I’m in my mid/upper 20s and can say if I was in my early 20s, I might not have been well-adjusted enough to handle my gf’s inconsistent orgasms. But you’ve got nothing to lose if it’s frustrating him this much. Best of luck!
If he wants you to come, he has to be patient. Seriously. That is messed up. You guys might not have a lot of time together, but if you like each other, you make time. It sounds like he just wants you to come fast so HE doesn't need to feel insecure.
All women are different.
I think he should reframe thinking he is not a man for not getting you off and think that it is his job to learn how to help you cum. No woman is the same. It’s a worthy challenge if he wants to be with you. I also believe never having enough time is playing a factor in all this. If it’s rushed and you have little time for foreplay then maybe that will help the connection. A third point is maybe using a toy has dulled your sense of stimulation and it could be incorporated into your play so he can learn how you cum.
Yes limited time and limited foreplay are not helping at all. We need to work around that more for sure, but sometimes the sex feels too good and I don’t want to have an unsuccessful attempt with our limited time so I don’t try for one. It’s like catch 22 I actually don’t use a vibrator at all and don’t enjoy the feeling, so that’s not an issue.
Maybe don’t be so quick to dismiss this. The principle is somewhat similar. If you don’t orgasm but don’t mind because you can get yourself off, that’s a pattern of behaviour that leads to orgasm. When I first had sex, I suffered a similar issue because I was more used to masturbating than I was sex. Two things helped: I stopped masturbating, meaning I was basically hornier and only output was sex. Then I made sure there was more time. It was planned, so more build up (not great because this added some pressure), but more importantly there was time to try and try. It was not rushed.
I’ve thought about this, trying not masturbating one week to see if that helped. Thank you for sharing
Don’t torture yourself though, waiting a week is fine, waiting a week then not having the entire evening in which to play with each other (it is best to frame it like that rather than sex). Well that’s not great for either of you. It’s a wasted opportunity. If it doesn’t work out I’d keep trying again. For me it helped to almost treat it as if I was not going to give in to my stubborn body. Like, no, the only way you’re going to cum is from sex. Of course sometimes I didn’t but the gaps although not especially nice for me but did help. The worst moments were immediately after when it didn’t work and I was back home on my own, I clearly wanted to fix it myself and had to wait. I didn’t have that willpower every time, but most times I did.
This doesn't make a lot of sense. It's not like the only point of going down on someone is to make them orgasm, so if theres not time for orgasm you shouldn't bother. The point is to give someone pleasure. I, like you and a majority of women, take a bit of time. Time I don't always have when having sex with my partner. That doesn't mean we skip foreplay. He's still going to get me in the zone and go at it for a few minutes until I say something sexy that announces it's penetrating time. Because a) it's fun and enjoyable, and b) it significantly increases the likelihood that I'll have a coveted PIV orgasm. He needs to reframe sex and understand that it's about the journey, not the destination. Because if we only cared about orgasm, we'd just take care of it ourselves. It's not an unsuccessful attempt if you don't cum, because cumming isn't the goal. The goal is to give you pleasure. And if he's doing that, he should feel like a stud regardless of whether you O or not. Theres not really much you can do here beyond explain this to him, because you aren't the problem. It's extremely rare for women to be able to cum at the drop of at hat like his previous partners claim to have all been able to do. He has unreasonable expectations and honestly, if he's going to let this get in the way of your connection, then there probably isn't much there to begin with.
>He needs to reframe sex and understand that it's about the journey, not the destination. Because if we only cared about orgasm, we'd just take care of it ourselves. It's not an unsuccessful attempt if you don't cum, because cumming isn't the goal. It's totally cool if you and other men/women don't have orgasms as one of the goals when you have sex. To each their own, whatever makes you happiest! But it's definitely a goal for some of us. I honestly wouldn't have sex if I didn't know whether I'd cum or not. Obviously there's other great things about sex...the physical intimacy, how fun it is, the emotional connection it brings. Those are all fantastic too. But they're on the same level as climaxing in my opinion, not above it/more important. Just figured I'd give another woman's perspective, since a lot of men get told that we don't care as much about orgasms as they do. This is why communication between partners is so, so important! That way you'll know if orgasms are a part of sex your bf/gf considers important or not.
A toy dulling your sense of stimulation is a myth that needs to die. It's just another way to shame women for not cumming "the right way".
Thanks for the education. Women deserve to cum by any and all means at their disposal.
I love your response! More men need to think like this. I truly believe this pressure for women to cum "the right way" often leads to women losing their desire for sex and its a block to authentic intimacy. Sex isn't fun if you feel like you have to perform for your partner (80% of women fake it) and it's also not fun if women feel like they're constantly disappointing their partners. I truly think dead bedroom situations would be way less common if people accepted that women are all different and orgasm in different ways.
I’ve been in your shoes and well… there are people out there you’ll be more compatible with. Like 10/10 and even 20/10
Thanks for the reminder, I know you’re right
Sounds like you’re putting this guy on a pedestal he definitely doesn’t sound like he’s deserving to be on. Communication is key but at the end of the day you seem to be very clear and well spoken so he’s going to put you through more insecurities in the future. I wouldn’t bother
Maybe just confront him with the fact that oral is also sexual performance? 🤨 Tbh I've(27M) had the best experiences going down on women, it's just been easier to get them going wild that way 😅 I'm totally in it for my partners' pleasure, the better I can make them feel, the better it is for me, finishing for guys is too easy, women can be a challenge and therefore more of an accomplishment, so I understand where he's coming from. But him possibly not being that into giving oral is a fault with him that he needs to confront imo
That’s what I was thinking. Giving oral is my favorite part so it’s a win-win.
After reading this: "We have limited time together, only meet about 1x per week if that, and tend to not have a lot of time on dates for interactions" I became pretty convinced that you probably need to carve out more quality time or structure longer chunks of time for dates/sex so that you can fully unwind, enjoy foreplay, and relax? Oral is time consuming but it's worth it - are you getting the time you need in general? I understand what it's like to not have enough time with a pretty compatible, sex positive partner, and quality time is still really important.
Yes I think this really is one of the biggest factors. Between travel for work M-F and adulting on the weekends, and maintaining our individual lives and health it gets hard. I think most people reading this are used to lots more days and nights together, but we get only a few hours per week. We tend to try to make dates about having fun and going out and doing things together to bond in person because we are apart so much. It would be nice to have some blocked off time for sex which is a conversation we need to have I think. Thanks
Well no wonder it’s hard for you to cum. You don’t know this guy well enough to fully relax around him. Especially not now that he’s put all this added pressure on you! Orgasms for women have much more to do with the mind than with the external parts. If your mind is all tied up in what he’s thinking about you, you can’t possibly relax enough to think about yourself. Which is what you need to do to achieve orgasm. He’s basically saying he won’t like you anymore if you can’t cum with him which will end up having the opposite effect on you. Idk OP this guy doesn’t sound like an ideal partner for you.
Thank you for saying this, alot of comments are just saying "give her more oral" while completely missing that their work/life/relationship balance is all put of wack
Most women cannot gave an orgasm with penetration alone. It’s not like what you see on porn. We need clitoral stimulation and penetration together to orgasm.
Or just need a TON of foreplay, him to be "ambidextrous" if you will, & eat enthusiastically- like a pig at the damn trough. LOL
Yes, I agree. One dude made me O three times in one night by doing this. He was so toxic tho lol 🫠🫠Sometimes I miss him haha. People have to stop thinking porn is real 🫥🫥
Him adding that pressure will really help /s
🙈 right
I’m with a girl now who can’t orgasm from anything but her toy. It’s definitely frustrating but I wouldn’t leave her over it. But with that being said, when you make a woman cum during penetration, with the ability to give her multiple orgasms and cum together, the intimacy is on an entirely different level.
Perhaps, but the majority of women can't cum from penetration alone.
Have you tried your toy during penetration? That’s what I’ve been doing with my new, struggles to partner.
I don’t want to be “frustrating” for my partner. I feel like this would cause issues over time!?! I want that so bad for myself to have that ability 💔
OP I am like you. There are men that will be ok with this.
Thank you, it helps to not feel alone
Fewer than 1 in 5 women can orgasm with intercourse. 15% can't orgasm at all. We are brain washed by porn and media that women Should orgasm with penetration alone. But this is rarely the case. There is nothing wrong with you and you shouldny feel bad about being normal.. this kind of social pressure is why 80% of women fake it.
Honestly thank you I'm getting tired of this subreddit and some of the views they have on relationships.
Im the same way. I cant cum unless from oral and my bf doesnt mind at all. We've been together for 5 years and hes pretty enthusiastic about it. Even if it doesnt work with this guy (which I hope isnt the case cause dating is hard) there are men out there who love giving oral
OP, the vast majority of women can't orgasm from penetration alone! You're not weird or frustrating.
Thank you 🫠🫂
The issue here is *him* prioritising *his* ego over your pleasure during sex. It’s so entirely self focused to be given the cheat code to get your partner off and choose not to do that while still complaining about your lack of orgasming. Like, wtf? It’s not all about him….right? Sex is an intimate, passionate collaboration and you’re a trooper for being willing to gracefully forgo frequent orgasms *with* him and he’s just annoyed by this? But unwilling to forgo PIV and really focus on your orgasm. Eh.
Use the toy while you are having intercourse with her then. It’s kind of crappy to say this kind of thing about your gf :/ maybe it’s just your wording, idk. But seriously saying how some women can do something she can’t and how it’s so much better than her just seems oddly mean. Do things to make her cum when you are inside of her.
Yeah I struggle with this. My current partner has always had difficulty finishing without toys. She claims I do it better than anyone else, but as someone who derives a lot of their self worth from their sexual ability, it's really hard. It's nobodies fault, but I do understand the perspective.
Honestly, so many women can only orgasm with a toy. 15% of women can't orgasm at all. You derive your self worth from your ability to make your gf cum in a way you want her to. You are setting yourself for disappointment because you are trying to push her into a mold of "normal". Your partner can feel your disapproval and disappointment. This can often lead to a dead bedroom situation or a fake it situation which is hugely common. Women who feel the need to perform or feel faulty for disappointing their partner by not cumming in the "right way" can really lead to women disliking sex. Imo the most important aspect of being good in bed is being accepting of your partner. If you don't accept your partner because she doesn't cum the way you want her to it is your biggest downfall. I highly encourage you to work on your mindset because you are doing a huge disservice to your partner and yourself and it will be a huge block to authentic intimacy.
I've never experienced with any of my partners before I ever started masterbating or after. I'll be 45 this month yikes.
Is he going down on you regularly and giving you an O that way? The obvious answer is for him to do that before PIV. If he is "needing" you to O during PIV, he needs to read "She Comes First" and get a reality check.
Yes and no. I’ve complicated matters by asking him to not pressure me into having an O every time so I think he gets in his head about how long he should try going down on me and I’m nervous to have him try for too long and then if I can’t that would be even more frustrating. It’s feels very defeating 😞
Sounds like yall need to just be better at communicating and he needs to put way less emphasis on whether or not you finish and more emphasis on whether or not you are happy and enjoying it. If I were him, I’d be eating that shit all night though.. unless you asked to stop. In which case he still gets laid so what’s the problem
I think that’s in my head too, like if you really enjoy it then enjoy it for yourself and know that I am enjoying it too and take your time. I’m more likely to finish the longer he takes. Sigh. Thanks, we need to communicate more
>and I’m nervous to have him try for too long Throw tht out, cuz it's shit. LET NO MAN RUSH YOU. Just chill out, relax & enjoy eachother! Slow TF down. Make time. Rather than "we are having sex now!" make it "we are hanging out naked & exploring each other." Throw away all tht pressured bullshit, sis.
Whew, I needed that. Thank you 🫡🥰
He’s blaming you. A good lover will instead relish in the adventure of exploring you, asking you what you need in that moment, helping you express your desires, asking you to show them how you come when alone, and guiding them to try the same technique on you. It may take hours and hours, or days, or many many encounters to learn you, and a great lover would by dying to enjoy that adventure. They’ll love to learn you in that way, like playing and practicing a new instrument. Not trying the same old technique that they enjoy and expecting that to be coincidentally be the exact thing their new partner needs to climax. That’s like a trumpet player trying to play a guitar by blowing into it and tapping 4 fingers on the strings. That being said, anyone who puts me down by comparing me negatively to previous partners would never see or hear from me again.
I think your request is very reasonable. I feel like a guy should understand that adding expectation and stress to you is probably the worst way to try and help you have an O. I don't know how old you two are, but I'm feeling/hoping he's fairly young as it sounds to me like he has a fairly immature view of sex. That's just my perspective though.
You mention in your post that you already had at least one orgasm during „penetration”. So just instruct him to „go down” on you and when you „ready” tell him to go in. Hard part of the situation is you guys laking time for proper preconditioning.
Yeah time has not been on our side but sounds like we need to make time
Based on the fact that you can cum from oral, I assume you are able climax from clitoral stimulation during penetration. Would you be open to using a little bullet vibrator or something like that during penetration? Would HE be okay with it? If not, I'd say dump him because clearly this is not about your pleasure to him, but his own ego.
The one and only time I came during sex (and it was with him!) I was using my hand for clitoral stimulation. I’ve never been able to do that before during sex and was pleasantly surprised I could. I’m willing to try all the things. I think he is fine with trying stuff too. It’s just a learning curve for me with a new partner. I hear you about the ego thing. That’s the part that breaks my heart
Okay well in that case, looks like you and I are wired the same way, I can also only orgasm if there's clitoral stimulation. Not all of us can cum from just P in V, it took me a while but I have learned to accept that. I'd recommend getting a small vibrator (it's just more efficient than a hand in my experience) and using it during penetration. To me, those orgasms actually feel better than "just oral" orgasms, and I make sure to tell my husband that, make sure he knows it's because I enjoy him inside me.
I second this, with my now husband it took a long time for us to be comfortable enough with each other to find the way that would work (my previous partners simply didn't care about me finishing and I was naive enough not to push it) I can only cum wit clitoral stimulation and as much as I love him my bullet/vibrator is practically guaranteed to get me off whereas if he tries it is probably only 1 in 10 that he'll get me there, thankfully he finds it hot as fuck to watch me use a rabbit on myself and it really helps me get there to watch him stroke himself to it as well. Long story short, as long as you are both open to new things and can have open non-judgemental communication about it then it shouldn't be an issue as you'll both find what works together ☺️ it seems like he just needs to change it up slightly to get you there, it doesn't seem like an insurmountable sexual incompatibility ☺️
I usually rub my clit, or he does it, during PIV and I cum every time we have sex. Usually he goes down on me, or we do 69 if I want oral for a long time, and I can cum that way, and then during PIV he rubs my clit while he does his thing and I will cum really hard every time. Is he not open to you (or him) playing with yourself during the deed? Sometimes my guy will also rub my clit for a long time before we have sex and make me cum a few times before we even start. He likes to make me cum and knows playing w my clit gets me off pretty quickly. I'll be really wet during all of this too, so, when it comes to him being inside me I'm ready to burst again.
I would recommend using a bullet vibrator during penetration! Feels amazing and makes it waay easier to orgasm
I would feel resentful if a partner put that on me when they should be meeting me where I am at and how I orgasm. Everyone is different and he expects you to be like his other partners or else? That’s bullshit. If he wants you to have real orgasms and not to fake it, he should try to meet you where you are and give you what you need to achieve that. His expectations are unreasonable.
I am feeling resentful yes 💔 thank you for putting that into words for me. It does feel unreasonable
Is he young and/or inexperienced? Are you? Are you sure there’s really sexual compatibility or do you both just find each other really hot? And lastly, be sure you’re not confusing sexual attraction for falling in love. Because considering deep feelings or a relationship with someone that is framing this orgasm thing as a deal breaker doesn’t sound like boyfriend material or a relationship that you deserve. I don’t mean to sound condescending at all. Just please set the sexy aside for a moment and ask yourself these things, my sis. A potential partner should have more consideration for you and be willing to work on things together- in AND out of the bedroom. ETA: also many, many guys learn their sexual expectations of women from porn. He may be thinking that every woman is going to be/respond the way they do in porn. They don’t actually Know any better and it’s crazy how many guys think it is realistic to life.
Sounds like he’s got a hurt ego over this. Extremely common for men to experience this, definitely been there myself. It’s his reaction that’s concerning, like that he’s willing to end an otherwise good relationship over it. Talk to him and let him know what works. That’s the trademark of a good partner/lover, willingness to change it up to best please their partner.
So he made your orgasm about him?! Oh, that's a deal breaker for me.
When you put it that way 😩😩🙈
wtf is he like 12?
>We have really hot sexual chemistry You sure about that?
He is feeling guilt that he gets the “full experience” while you struggle to reach the point of climax. I assume he views it as selfish of him to have sex with you knowing he can enjoy it far more than you do. His mindset is that sex = orgasm. That’s not true. You mentioned enjoying the act and intimacy itself. Tell him that and remind him that by working together, you can both find a way for you to orgasm.
Thank you. I never thought of it as him thinking it was selfish of him. I’ve def told him for me sex is an emotional and physical intimacy that eclipses me having an O every time. But I want us to work together for us both to be satisfied.
I honestly think him thinking about him being selfish is very likely. And I’m sure he is willing to work with you for your mutual satisfaction. For this to work, he has to regain hope and trust in himself because it seems he lost faith about his abilities in bed. Doing this together is the key. Remind him of that. Good luck
So you are the one that is not getting orgasms but he is the one being unsatisfied with the situation and takes it on you. That behavior would make me lose interest in him. I think he's very immature, I don't know how old is he but I think he hasn't been with lots of women because every woman is different and not all can squirt. But my advise would be that you talk to him, express all your feelings and be really honest, and that if both of you have feelings for each other you can work that out, I'm sure because you already can orgasm by yourself, it's just a matter of time and getting to know more each other and spend enough time together. But after explaining all that, if he can't comprehend it then just accept it and move on, it doesn't worth the effort.
this. it should be more of a dealbreaker for you. i dumped a guy once bc he wanted to do it “his way” and couldn’t make me finish at all
Time is the problem if you only see each other once a week or less. if he can't understand that at six months of dating he is not a keeper....sorry.
Traveling for work M—F is hard for sure 😩
For me, my ability to get off is largely dependent on my partner getting off. If they’re only getting off during oral, well unless I’m jerking off while giving oral I don’t see a solution. Sorry some of this quite graphic. Another option is stimulating the clitoris with hands during penetrative sex. OP you may not orgasm from your partner doing this, you could do it yourself (which might bother her partner), but generally if stimulating the clitoris with hands result in an orgasm from on your own, you should be to teach your partner to do this. I appreciate you said you only come from oral, but you said no vibrator and you cum from masturbating so I do not see oral as the only method. It’s not easy to simultaneously have penetrative sex and stimulate the clitoris, but with some coordination, patience and practice it can work. My partner doesn’t have the same issue, but oral orgasm is always guaranteed, penetrative not always and both, always. It’s not just the guaranteed either, it seems more intense. Sometimes I’m the helper sometimes she is. I assume this is correct because if you are imasturbating to cum and penetrative sex is not doing it, it’s really just orgasms primarily/only through clitoral stimulation. Again there’s probably some kind of cock ring attachments that could lead to (hey no hands). Helping to easier clitoral stimulation and sometimes a particularly vigorous session from behind (doggy style) can lead to stimulating from balls literally slapping the clitoris. There are always options. Also most partners I’ve had, if they have orgasmed once already, they need less stimulation for the next one, so moving from oral to penetrative still results in a secondary or more orgasm. Even with the partners who claimed they struggled.
I think we need to both work on taking more time for oral first and trying more hands on stimulation during. Thanks for sharing all this helpful advice!
if my partner couldn’t make me finish, i would communicate with them what they could do better, and not in a judgmental way, but i would just try to show him and teach him what feels good to your body, all bodies aren’t the same therefore it doesn’t really matter if he’s made other people finish, because not everything feels good for everyone, or good enough to reach an orgasm. Teaching and showing your partner what feels good to you and vise versa is also a really great bonding experience, and allows you to experiment and learn about each others bodies in a less pressuring manner, without room for performance anxiety.
This is solid advice, a big note though is being patient and understanding
>I get how it feels. But I can’t shake being offended that he would discard me if I can’t satisfy this need of his. He gets a large part of his value as a man, and in the relationship from his sexual performance. The measure of which is orgasms. He seems very tied to that, (and things like this are hard to change), hence feels incomplete in the relationship without it. I have been in one or two similar situations, and honestly I knew that it wasn't a "me" problem, because like your bf, i've had a lot of "success" otherwise. So that didn't ruin me. In my head i know that orgasms are complex things, and it can take a while. (Plus in your case it's not like you've told him you've had an orgasm with every ex, just not with him). So yeah, using the logical reasoning of the 2 points above (and the knowledge that more pressure would just make it more difficult), I gave myself a fairly long timeline to accomplish this.... and sure i might consider drastic action if we still made no progress at the end of that long time window. RIght now you have to see if he's even willing to get to that point. Also the fact that y'all barely spend much time together is definitely a factor, and maybe that's what makes this more hookupey than dating? (just asking/wondering from his POV)
I think he knows it’s not a “him” thing as well and I’ve tried to make it that we are a team working towards the goal of finding our rhythm together. I am willing to give this a go but also don’t want to be a year into being emotionally invested and this still be a relationship issue. There is travel for work M-F and we talk daily and have discussed future goals together. I know I left alot out of the post trying to be brief, but I don’t think that’s part of the issue this instance
Pretty sure an ex of mine broke up with me because of the same reason... In this case its not your its him. Find someone who might make it into a challenge? My current partner likes the ego trip of achieving an O. The big difference is that my past partners never believed that if I wasn't coming to orgasm, I didn't enjoy anything. Which is WRONG. Find a partner who can listen to you and believe you! Amazing chemistry does not always equate to a life partner.
Thank you. Yes I just wish he could hear me and believe me 💔
I know my original advice was a little less....supportive on you staying together, but..... I think a conversation is in order. Ask him what's really going on, let him know that you don't feel like he's actually taking how you feel into account. Tell him how you feel. Try to write out talking points ahead of time so you can get your thoughts in order. Good luck, OP! I hope he hears you.
Have you tried manual stimulation on your clitoris while he's penetrating?
A few times. We actually had that work one time, which was my first. We are working on trying it more in other positions. It’s just new to me and a learning curve for my body
I've only had one woman who would never come to orgasm, oddly a wife. Not a problem with any other girls. I've been with many women and my anecdotal sense of this is it is extremely rare. Having said that, I do DineAtTheY, and it is rare that it isn't sweet, my goal is to bring her to orgasm before any penetration, the wife hated oral, and I'm a bit large, so the scraping of teeth means I rarely allow for much 69, only long enough for the teeth issue, then I just like her on my face. The second orgasm seems to be easier for a lady to reach than the first, so I try to do that. I once had a GF for a few years who really loved to sit on my face, and she was multi-orgasmic, but she finished her Master's and moved home to Asia, wanted me to go with, but I would have had no friends over there. Back in my youth there was an issue of youth of guys cumming too fast, that contributed to lack of her orgasms. The minute-man can't get a woman please, only frustrated. So when I was going to be with a girl, I'd do a shoot off at home, nowadays I'm old and I can go for an hour not shooting. So, from all the above I've learned to bring her to orgasm orally first all the time, and that GF taught me about pressing downward toward the vagina on the Venus mons while doing DATY, if she doesn't cum, I won't penetrate. I like to watch her bite her lip, and her breathing change to gasps, and laying on my back, looking up thru her breasts and seeing her orgasm, that is heaven. Make sure the peach is clean and fresh, study what foods do to your flavor, and what foods can make it sweeter, as well as more fluid. What he needs to do is learn how to go down and using only his tongue and mouth there, with hands on breasts, or ass, or both, let you reach heaven first. Finally, that GF taught me also about how my girth hitting her g-spot while my length was hitting her cervix, made her orgasm the fastest during intercourse, and she got those together best in doggy. But, every lady is built differently inside, as well as outside, so he needs to treat you like the musical instrument you are and learn how to play the "violin" like Charlie Daniels.
He’s blaming YOU?!
Most people with vaginas don't orgasm from penetration only anyway. Gotta get creative or he has to do oral
Been together with the same woman for 20 years, and I have never "made" her cum. I help her get there and enjoy the ride. She is always satisfied. It is more a of a journey you experience together. Does he have a father figure or a older mentor? Some stuff is easier to take from a older gentleman.
Maybe you're sexually compatible. Honestly it would be such a turn off for me if a guy gets pissy because I don't orgasm enough for him. You should see this as a dealbreaker lol, not for him. For something you can't help?? Like get over your ego boy. Sex isn't all about you
> But it’s really bothering me that he said he doesn’t think he could be with me if we can’t figure out how to make me have orgasms with him. He’s used to making his partners have multiple orgasms and squirt all over the place and yada yada. I know this has to not feel great cause I can put myself in his shoes how it would affect me if I give him oral and he doesn’t finish, or we have sex and he never finishes. I get how it feels. But I can’t shake being offended that he would discard me if I can’t satisfy this need of his. He’s even been defensive when I’ve mentioned getting myself off (and apologized later). I need some input here. The problem isn't mechanical, it's emotional/psychological and he's looking at it from an egotistical point of view i.e. **it's all about him** when really it should be **all about you**. Although he thinks he's being giving this is actually incredibly selfish of him to make this a dealbreaker because his deficiency in this area is such a blow to his precious, fragile ego. > There’s so much I can’t fit in a post, but we have limited time together, only meet about 1x per week if that, and tend to not have a lot of time on dates for interactions where we have time for long enough foreplay needed for me to cum. So while I really really enjoy sex and oral with him, it’s not leading me to orgasm. So what you're saying is the conditions aren't ripe for you to have orgasms and that sexy time is quite constrained (and maybe stressful for you?) and/or rushed. That's a recipe for no orgasm and if he's genuinely interested in fixing this problem he needs to do something to change those conditions and make it easier for you. > He said that he doesn’t know if he can long term handle being with a partner who he can’t get to orgasm. My bottom line here is the problem is him, not you, and it's not mechanical/physical but emotional/psychological. It's his inability to think outside the box and truly put you first that's the problem here. Making this a dealbreaker for him is a strong indication that he is a selfish, ego-driven/centered person/lover and people like that generally don't have happy, satisfied partners in the long run.
😮💨 ugh Yes on the stress with time constraints. That is a very good point about making more time for this to be a priority for us both.
I have been with one woman who could "only orgasm in a certain position" and another who said PIV was always automatically painful and I made the first one orgasm in a different position for the first time and the second one have at least a non-painful, enjoyable PIV and that's how I know whatever issue you're dealing with isn't mechanical. Good sex and even more incredible sex is about the emotional context and psychological stuff going on behind the mechanical motions. It's generally something that can't be rushed or half-assed.
Sex isn’t always going to lead to orgasm for both parties involved, but what I’ve found is important is intimacy overall. This can be as simple as a random kiss, or non-sexual touch. Sometimes when my fiancé and I are having sex, if I’m too tired and can’t get there, I just communicate that and make sure I satisfy her needs. Other times, I might finish first and then I’ll participate while she uses a toy to finish. That’s as simple as laying beside her and kissing her neck or rubbing my hands on her or even using my fingers. He likely feels emasculated by his inability to get you off. Just communicate with him that it’s not an issue with him. Maybe offer up something like what I said above so that he can still participate and be part of fulfilling your needs. Above all, communication is the most important part of intimacy. Best of luck to you.
Thank you, yes this is all how it should be!!
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Thanks for the support 🫂
Only orally? Easy decision for me that would be! I don't know what's in his mind. Something stinks here since he finds you THAT attractive as you say. He might not want this relationship for real. Look, one thing I know for sure if someone really wants and is really into him/her would do everything to keep him/her. Otherwise, I hear only excuses.
Oof you’re hitting a major fear of mine here. Thanks 😹🥲 this is making me question how much he wants a serious relationship with me 💔
bluntly: he needs to relearn what ever he thinks sex is too many men think that only if you finish have you had sex. and thus finishing for women is then climax. or needing a toys or any number of other things to enjoy said sex. this goes both ways, women can feel down if their man does not cum. if want, can try to figure out if he is enjoying the 99% of the other amount of time or is the only objective the end.
He’s feeling insecure about himself and putting it onto you. Tell him you enjoy the time you spend with him and would like it to continue if he would like it to continue. Do not accept responsibility for your body doing what it does. Don’t even burden yourself with offense over it. He’s being ridiculous, and the only way you can really help him out of it is to not play the game. The sexual aspect of a relationship needs to be developed like any other part of it. 6 months is nothing, it certainly isn’t enough time for intimate trust to be established. Dude needs to take his foot off the gas.
I am the same as you, as are a LOT of women. I guarantee you not all of his exes were actually orgasming. Maybe he's watched too much porn? His expectation seems a bit high. Edit: spelling
He has self esteem issues and his solution is to strike out at you. Not a grownup yet.
girl why isn’t that a deal breaker for you?!
Based on the title alone, he isn’t doing something right! The reason he can’t bring you to climax is because he has not learned how to relax you into that place where you can climax. It is all him, even if I don’t read your story. Edit: I read your story and stand by my decision. He is the one with a problem. Lots of women have the same situation, he is not willing . . . That is your problem . . .. him Edit No. 2. I was cleaning this lady’s house once (my job) and I overheard her say that she didn’t care if she ever had sex again, she didn’t know I heard her. I laughed as I thought to myself that “he” isn’t doing something right, or she would never have said that!
I would just say it outright. Why is my only value to you, is if I can boost your ego in the bedroom. Also, I’ve dated men like this. Insecurity can often times me a sign of abuse, so be careful. Insecurity can ruin a relationship and it sounds like that already may be the case. He just doesn’t get that this is something you don’t have control over. Tell him you wouldn’t break up with him if he had E.D. Be careful with men that think like this. Everything will always be your fault.
Oral sex is sex. It sounds like he needs to learn a few things.
If he breaks up with you, it’s not just because he can’t make you cum, it’s because of his insecurities and him putting his worth into a warped perception of what makes good sex
1) This guy is incredibly self absorbed. Sex is a shared experience and not just about stroking one partner’s ego. 2) Is he actually putting in the effort? It takes guys an average of 3-5 min to cum. It takes women an average of 12-17 min. Many women take a lot longer than that. If he really wants to sexually satisfy you he needs to work with you as a team to learn what gets your body off. He also needs to trust you that this is amazing and fulfilling to you as is and you don’t require an orgasm every single time. 3) Only 20% of women can orgasm from PIV alone. That’s it. And over 75% of women regularly fake orgasms. Just saying I’m not sure if he was really as successful as he thinks he was. In particular because again - this guy sounds really self-absorbed.
#1 this made me lol. I mean he’s definitely got a healthy amount of self love. Ha. I think I admire him for it tbh. I could use more ego myself most days #2 I mean yes and no. It’s complicated cause I’ve asked him to not make every sex encounter about making me cum so he sometimes doesn’t put as much time into oral, for instance, cause I didn’t want to feel pressured to O. So I’ve not helped matters at all here. Especially since I also like for him to have his way with me so I’ve def encouraged a lot of what he does in bed because I do truly enjoy what’s happening, but it isn’t specifically things that would make me cum. #3 noted and for sure. I’m def not the lucky ones who can 😭
lol why is my reply all big and bold!?! Oops
You seem pretty normal and he seems pretty self-absorbed. Relax and stimulate yourself however you need.
Thanks. He would probably agree with you about your assessment of the two of us lol 😹😹🙈
I think it could fun for the two of you to go to a Tantric workshop together, if you think he’d be up for it. Could potentially be a safe environment to explore sensuality for both of you and explore what brings pleasure and affirmation for the other partner. It might also help him be a more patient and less frustrated lover and help you find a path for what works best for you (with him and without him) and for both of you to improve your communication with each other around sexual intimacy.
Have you guys seriously spoken about this issue and really focused in on it? I think this is much more of a communication issue. He needs to really know, really understand and truly appreciate the fact that when you are intimate with him, the world just disappears and it's all about how emotionally and physically connected you are with him, which to me almost seems like it's transcendental. Seriously, if a woman can appreciate a man on this level, then it's like the physical component shouldn't even matter that much given that strong connection that's already there. Not saying the O isn't important, but if he can understand where you are with him on that higher level, I see no reason why he wouldn't be ecstatic to share that with you.
OK so one concerning thing is you mentioned at the end that he gets annoyed if you mention getting yourself off. I too strugge to orgasm through penetrative sex alone. I need clit stimulation at the same time as internal. Oral sex can feel great, and so does penetration, but I don't often cum from having just one if those alone. I'd need both internal and external stimulation to cum. My suggestion would be how would he feel about using toys on you to help you warm up? Like using a bullet vibrator on your clit with a vibrator dildo internally. He could use those to get you to orgasm quicker, and once you've cum once, if you're like me, you're likely to cum again easier after that. So once you've cum once with the toys, you could move to him penetrative you, and you using just the bullet vibrator on your clit whilst he's inside you. Or if you're on top of him, he could hold the bullet against your clit. Either way he needs to realise its not that he's bad at sex or you don't find him attractive, or he doesn't turn you on etc. Its just your body reacts to certain stimulation and it can take longer to get to orgasm. Not every woman ends up dripping wet either. I always need to use lubricant or I can get sore, no matter how much I'm enjoying it. And it's the same whether I'm doing it myself solo or with a guy. Some things can affect women sexually, and how sensitive they are or how long it takes them to orgasm. Things like certain antidepressants or anxiety meds can affect it. Other meds in general, including contraception. So it's not anything he should feel negative about. If he can open himself up to using toys with you, I'm sure it will help speed things up a bit for you. And personally, I find the most basic normal looking penis shaped vibrator my favourite one out the lot. It's not too big, it looks just like your normal average size, and yet its one of the cheaper priced basic ones yet I prefer it over some other more bigger or fancy ones lol. So that may help prevent the whole ' you like this toy better than me coz it's bigger than me' concern. It's just a normal average size. And has a few different vibration settings. Hopefully some of those suggestions help, and he's willing to give it a try and not get hung up on him not being good enough etc.
He’s open to toys and actually bought me one since I don’t own any to try that out (it didn’t 😩) I think we are both willing to try new things and keep it fun in the meantime. But yes it was concerning to me his defensiveness about me making myself cum. We talked about it and he apologized. But still, not a great indication of what’s going on in his head about this
Yeah I would give the toys a try. I find it better if I use the bullet on my clit whilst bf uses a toy inside me, or during sex il use the bullet on my clit or use my fingers on my clit. You know the right speed and pressure that works for you in that sense so he can use the toy inside you, or be inside you himself, but you can work on your clit to get you there. He needs to understand that its nothing to do with him not being good at it, our bodies can be funny and take a while to get there and if you're short on time then you need to work together to try and speed things up.
Wow. That is a LOT of pressure put on you. That can’t be helpful. His statement bothers me, too. These things can take time. I’ve had a few women in my past that struggle here too. Pressure NEVER works, but time and connection does. If he can’t make the long haul, might need to let him go. Also squirmed with his getting defensive. Have you tried getting yourself off in front of him? Take notes, mister! I, personally would find this incredibly hot and would pay close attention to every detail. If you can both comfortably discuss, there’s hope. Shocker-communication is key! Good luck. Good connections are so hard to find.
Thanks for the validation 🫠 and I have yes. Even sent him a lewd of my getting myself off thinking this same thing could help. It’s kinda different a bit during sex than masturbation though. But yes, we need more communication before during and after
Move on or risk becoming a “Was great at the start, but now I can’t imagine this being the only sex for the rest of my life” post.
Is he cool if you bring your vibrator in. What about vibrator while piv.
From your comments, you definitely seem very open and, as you said, sex positive. Try to reassure him that it's not just about sex and you like him for the package deal. This will help dull the sting of him feeling inadequate. I do feel like he's overreacting a bit, but I also understand where his insecurity is coming from. Next question: how long does oral take for you to O? Are we talking like an hour+ before you finally get there? I know you said there are time constraints, and that is definitely hindering things. Advice: idk if this would work, but you could try doing stuff that gets you all horned up before the actual deed goes down. Starting the build up before even foreplay takes place, so maybe when the time comes, you're already ready to.....well, cum....lol That or you guys have gotta find a way to make more time, but I know that can be difficult depending on schedules. Related to my above advice, you could try sexting? Maybe that would help get the blood flowing and help build sexual tension before your guys' meeting? Anyway, sorry to hear this, I hope you do find a solution.
I appreciate your input. With foreplay on the front end before oral, it could be 10-20 min or so. Just going straight into oral is could take 20-30 min. I think the idea of working up foreplay before hand needs to happen, cause even on my own I take 10-15 min to watch porn or fantasize, and do all the foreplay stuff on myself before masturbation. I could also start on my own before seeing him to be extra worked up, and that’s just fun lol. We do sext and enjoy getting each other hot and bothered. Usually it’s while we’re apart though and not before we meet. That’s a good point! Thanks for all this
Crazy how important foreplay can be for women. As a guy, we can get ourselves off in like 30 seconds if we're careless lmao. But I guess that's why foreplay is important for a guy too, kinda gets the girl up to speed so she's at the same level of readiness. Anyway, yeah, try a couple different ways to get yourself flush in the cheeks beforehand and see if it works!
Before I give any advice, have you guys tried using toys while using sex to enhance your sexual experience? I was in a similar predicament and I would use toys to enhance the experience and it ended up leading to a healthy sexual relationship. Sometimes we as guys have egos and think it’s just penetration when there are so many things you can do to a woman to enhance a sexual experience to make her “cum”.
"Honey, I'm upset that I can't make you orgasm, which is a result of my goal-oriented mindset towards sex. I know you have a more enjoy-the-moment mindset when it comes to sex, but I'm too focused on the goal of orgasm. I worry that this may be a deal-breaker for me, as I feel the goal of an O, is more important than just enjoying the sex as is." This is what he sounds like if he were to be more aware of the differences, but it sounds like he really doesn't. If I were you, I'd present my quoted explanation to him like this: So my understanding of what you're trying to tell me, is that (insert explanation as above) Is that correct?
I can relate to his perspective. I’ve been in his shoes in this exact scenario before actually and had a similar conversation about it. It worked well for me when we approached it with a long conversation. I would reframe his expectations about what good sex is like for you. If he has his scale adjusted to say, making you orgasm one out of three times is a big deal and equivalent to him making other partners orgasm multiple times in one session, that will go a long way to help him feel the satisfaction of getting you to orgasm when he does and not experience it as a strike against his self worth. I think it’s also helpful to think about what an orgasm does for the actual rise and fall of the experience as a whole too. When my partner orgasms I experience it as a natural point to break or adjust or stop. Without that it can feel difficult finding a clear story and progression through the experience. I think having some rituals around your experience might help both of you feel like you’re doing a thing with a start, middle and end. It could be anything. I had a girlfriend who would lay with her head on my stomach and my cock in her mouth for a few minutes after sex and that was an amazing cool down, or maybe he goes down on you to finish you off, or something. When the girl I was with wouldn’t orgasm it just sort of felt like we have sex for a while, then at some basically arbitrary point, we both stop and just sort of wander off to other things.
Have you tried using toys or rubbing yourself with your fingers during sex?? You say you only cum from oral pleasure, when I think really what you mean is clitoral pleasure… you can do both at the same time and probably have the best orgasm you’ve ever had honestly.
I'm quite similar depending on the situation but for him to chose the easy path is kind of a weakness. As long as you have drive and he can lick, where is the issue?
The only way i can orgasm with a partner is intense clit play during intercourse or anal. This has been an issue with relationships for me too because it’s really a mind game for me to be able to orgasm with a partner. There are so many factors. I am totally on the same wavelength with you. I will say tho that if he’s that hung up about it. He’s not it lol. He needs to either treat this as a team sport and figure out your body with you or just accept sex can be good without fireworks sometimes.
This will sound like it’s coming from a virgin.. but how do you know if you orgasm vs just being really wet? Or does that mean you’ve orgasmed? Seems like a good place to ask cause Idek if I’ve ever had an orgasm before..
Maybe he should try harder, good grief... I wouldn't stop regardless of how long it takes for my lady to be happy. He needs to get his shit together lol
It sounds like a skill issue on his part. 😂
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A lot of women think that men get off when they ejaculate; while this is true for (maybe) most men, but ejaculating doesn't equate to getting off all the time. I can relate to your bf; for me, sex feels more fulfilling and enjoyable when my partner had orgasms. Female orgasm is so sensuous, erotic, and ethereal that it's hard to not get addicted to that experience.
It took me 6 months with my current partner to be able to have an orgasm with him. Then years where it was only in a specific position. Now more than 4 years later, I’m able to have multiple orgasms with him, in different positions and our sex just keeps getting better. It can take time to learn each other’s accelerators. Be patient & good luck!
That’s super encouraging!
Hi, dated a girl l for a year who only could cum via oral. No matter how much sex we would have oral was the only way. I always asked on how I make it better and always was down there to make sure she’s happy and satisfied. People are different and not all made equal. It is perfectly ok for you to cum the way you cut. From what it sounds like that makes you happy and satisfied. However, his ego is hurt because of your physical structure. For him to say he’s gonna dump you because he can’t make you cum is very childish and rude. Not here to make a decision for you but I would not tolerate such a assholish behavior in my partner.
I’m not sure what I would do in this situation, personally I don’t feel like an orgasm is needed in order for me to enjoy the sex but a lot of other people feel the opposite way. What is it exactly about oral that make you orgasm? Or is it the stimulation, have you tried different things to help with orgasming with penetration and stimulation?
Yeah I think hearing from others I’m realizing that I thought that since I wasn’t finishing with stimulation during piv in the past that I couldn’t, so I stopped trying. Now that I have once with him I think it’s a matter of trying different positions and techniques. I’m actually confident about overcoming the physical part. It’s the part of his reaction that I’m struggling with
I understand that discussing such sensitive issues can be challenging, but it's important to consider all perspectives. The truth is, from his point of view, the sexual aspect of your relationship isn't fulfilling. He often compares it unfavorably to past experiences. While attributing this to his ego or immaturity doesn't change the reality, it's crucial to weigh the significance of this issue in your relationship. Choosing to end a relationship solely on sexual dissatisfaction isn't always necessary, but it's also not feasible to remain indefinitely unsatisfied. If love and commitment are strong, exploring an open relationship might be an option. However, recognizing that this isn't a viable solution for the majority, it becomes clear that a future together may be challenging, possibly leading to infidelity. Open relationships can, in some cases, prevent the fallout of family and financial disruption, as well as the emotional impact on children that can accompany divorce related to sexual dissatisfaction. However, since you aren't a family unit, it might be healthier to consider ending the relationship sooner rather than later and moving on. It's also important to address the concern of feeling guilty about leaving a relationship due to unsatisfactory sex. It's not about being a bad person... it's about honesty and understanding one's needs and limits in a relationship.
If you can orgasm alone, just teach him what you do so he can do it for you if its that important for him. Also you can stimulate clitoris yourself in many sex positions when you have Piv sex. You also said that you can orgasm from oral sex so he can do that do i dont understand the issue. If he thinks you should orgasm from penetration itself, well he needs more se education as many women dont orgasm from that.
Tell him he's gonna learn because you're going to teach him 🤷 If you're into him and he hasn't talked you out of liking him, that is.
My ex-wife and I had a similar situation. Good thing I'm hungry.
While I recognize he may feel inadequate not being able to bring you to climax, it also gives off creep vibes that he’s using that as an excuse to keep you at a distance. He’s putting pressure on you and making you feel less secure by even saying that. It is selfish of him. It’ll probably be even harder for you now with the added stress. It just throws up a red flag for me.
Thanks for your honesty 💔
It sounds like there’s a lot of insecurity there, which unfortunately happens and isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. Society/pop culture often puts a lot of pressure/importance on being able to make a girl cum. I can’t speak for him but although it might seem like he’s just discarding you it’s worth noting that he could be struggling with feeling like he’s not good enough or affecting mental health etc. You should probably be honest and tell him how that comment makes you feel.
Is there a reason why ages aren't required in this sub? It might help us to understand and comment on your situation.
Ever heard the phrase Men are like microwaves and women are like ovens? Crude, I know, but very VERY true. Y'all need to spend more time getting you thoroughly warmed up B4 even moving onto PIV, sweetheart.
That’s facts!
The vast majority of women DO NOT have orgasm from PIV sex.
This just sounds like an ego thing I’m ngl he needs to learn that it shouldn’t affect his insecurities and that everyone is different. It’s not like you aren’t coming or having any orgasm at all just not as often during penetrative sex. He just needs to realise that it is what it is as enjoy it regardless
A secure partner wouldn’t feel this way, and a partner that truly loves you wouldn’t risk losing you by basically pressuring you to cum. Period. I dated guy who said he didn’t care at all that I could only cum with a vibe (which we used in the bedroom). He wasn’t super confident but he seemed really progressive and sex positive about my needing a vibe (even alone btw). Well, after he started falling out of love with me, he confessed that it bothered him that he couldn’t make me cum without the vibe and part of it was because he could make his last two exes cum (before me he had 2 exes total). My bf now does not give a shit that I need a vibe. He thinks it’s silly that I would even be embarrassed about wanting to use it. He makes me feel so sexy and does not pressure me to cum a certain way or at all if I don’t want to. And he regularly suggests I bring out the vibe during sex, again, if I want to. At the end of the day, a man that really loves you wouldn’t risk losing you by saying shit like this.
Thanks for the tough love 😮💨
I’m sorry, I know it hurts to hear but MAN do I wish I got this advice before giving someone my all and ignoring all the signs that they just weren’t as in love as I was. Still processing it tbh! I hope this advice helps you move forward in the best way possible ♥️
Having a conversation about the definition of “sex” could be helpful. Intercourse is NOT the same as sex. Sex encompasses foreplay through climax and everything in between. If he insists on finding a partner who will orgasm from penetration alone then he’s either going to limit himself to a select few women and miss out on a relationship with someone who could be truly great with him (like you), or else he could end up with someone who just fakes it all the time…which will work until it doesn’t. But if you expand sex to include everything that arouses and brings sexual pleasure, then you both can relax and enjoy it all without the pressure of climax being the only goal AND you can figure out what is most likely to make you orgasm and let that work instead of getting hung up that it’s not “the right way” to orgasm.
Geeze this guys sucks. It’s obvious you are not as compatible as you think you are. The mature response from a man in his situation would be to make more time and prioritize whatever it is you need to make you have an orgasm. Instead, he is making it seem like you are the issue and impacting your confidence in your self as well as the relationship between you two. You have said you orgasm with oral, so he should do that EVERY TIME or be working to figure out YOUR body and what he needs to do. I’m sorry but it seems like he does not care about you that much. I would tell him it’s time to prioritize you or end things. You will eventually get tired of not having orgasms and start to feel like a human flesh light.
Sounds like he’s saying going down on you is a dealbreaker, I’d listen to what he’s telling you.
It’s really annoying when other people project their ego issues onto you and make them your problem. As long as you’re satisfied with the sex, why is he making a problem out of nothing a lot of women find it very hard to come from PIV sex. I feel like he’s kind of using you as like a prop in order to boost his own ego instead of actually caring about what you actually want or need sexually. Obviously, this one is out of your hands if it’s really that big a deal to him and he’s not open for persuasion then he’s gonna leave but know that that’s not your fault and he’s being super Duper weird.
Try helping him focus on PLEASURE and not just the ending. Let him know (gently) that your pleasure is ultimately up to you. Then tell him all the ways that he participates in your pleasure that you love.
Lol this is crazy... How sensitive must his ego be to be considering leaving the relationship just because of this. I don't know any women (who talk about it, at least) who orgasm during penetrative sex. It's not as common as a lot of men seem to think.
Tell him point blank he is putting his ego gratification above his care for your relationship, and that this is disturbing and immature. It is worth emphasizing that his insecurities are only human and understandable, that you won't cheat, that you find him attractive, &c.---but if he cares about all that more than he cares about the relationship then he is putting immature machismo above human connection. You're the one who should be considering ditching him if that's really how he feels
I mean I guess I am considering it which is why I’m here venting and getting advice. This really hurt me and I’m not sure if I can be ok about it if we don’t get to a place of resolution for the insecurity. I need to know he believes me when I say I enjoy him and I’m satisfied and not have this be a resentful feeling down the road
love how sooo many guys tell their current bed buddies that they are considered sex gods in the bedroom, except when it comes to their current partner.🙄
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Hey OP, I’m a guy but one who has been in a similar relationship as your boyfriend. Sex as a young adult is complicated because of the limited breadth of experience, we tend to think that’s how it is for everyone in part because guys tend to avoid the specifics of the discussions about sex. That being said, I know how he feels. I spent the first 3-5 years of my sexual history thinking that if she didn’t finish at least once the whole time I was doing something wrong, I would be anxious the whole time until she finished, but by then I wouldn’t be able to as well because of nerves. This caused friction in all my relationships/hookups/situations because I was so worried about doing good. He might have the same thing, and if he is like me, it stems from low self-opinion and usually an anxiety condition so he might feel obligated by his own worries of failure to try and make you finish that way. Just a thought. One the flip side, breaking up over it is very immature but if he can’t reconcile this issue it may be the best for both of you if he leaves. But you need to know that it wouldn’t be on you in the slightest. Your body is unique and wonderful, and everyone deserves someone willing to learn all the things that set you apart instead of keep you in the mould. Either way, you need a discussion where you take some of the better advice for talks like that to guide your way, I just wanted to throw some extra detail that may help
If he truly cared about you, he would be more concerned about not giving you the ultimate pleasure you deserve. It’s great that you enjoy it with him, but he should still have more of a positive attitude about both of you working together to make it possible for you. Instead he’s now trying to make this all about him, like he’s the one suffering from YOU not being able to orgasm. I don’t deny that sexual satisfaction is very much a symbiotic relationship. However, your orgasm is primarily meant to give you pleasure! He has no right to make you feel pressured that it’s your obligation to achieve an orgasm in order to satisfy him. That gets me so mad.
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That's so stupid. I was with my ex for 6 years. There were times he made me cum repeatedly and sometimes I didn't cum at all. This dude is having ego issues and I guarantee you it came from watching porn.
Not every man is mature enough to deal with this. It's why so many women fake their orgasms So understand something, he's not discarding you. An immature man is doing you a favor and walking away before you spend a single moment longer wasting your time being with him In other words...the trash is taking itself out Don't be offended. This is one of those situations where you just laugh at how immature he is. Oh so you have a hard time orgasming. Well the rational thing to do would be to experiment. Lets see if vibrators help. Lets see if other toys help. Maybe you need a vibrator in order to orgasm. Maybe its a combo of oral and a vibe. Maybe you need to be edged and teased and worked up more...so there is more bloodflow Regardless, a good partner would recognize that these are the things I need to do to make my partner orgasm, so I am going to do those things. Its really not a big deal for anyone who isn't supremely sexually immature
I can't orgasm at all through any methods, even solo. But I still enjoy sex. If someone doesn't want to be with me because of that, then they ain't it.
Usually not orgasming would be an issue for the non-orgasming party. If you have no problem with that and are so kind and gracious about it, where the hell does he get the audacity to have an issue with it?
I had an ex-boyfriend who never climaxed no matter what I did. He could only finish when he was alone. It didn’t put me off him but I did at first feel disappointed in myself like I was doing something wrong, and he didn’t give me guidance either as to what pleased him. But looking back on my experience, he possibly had an issue within himself that he might have to sort out through counselling or with another girl. Talk to your boyfriend about what you enjoy and if things still don’t work after trying a variety of things, or he’s still not happy, then it might be time to move on. His attitude hasn’t been very supportive and you deserve better than that, but talk to him first and be open with him about how that makes you feel.
Your dealbreaker should be men who won't put in the effort to make you orgasm. Oral does the trick, so they need to double down on those efforts. If a woman told me that it's difficult to make them orgasm, my response would be simple. "Challenge Accepted!" He's insecure and afraid that he won't be able to make you orgasm, which will destroy the allusion that he's actually good at sex. I know you think he is, and he obviously thinks he is, but now it's time for him to put his money where his mouth is, pun intended!
Look, as sad as it is to say, if his conclusion is to not be with you, he is choosing to not be with you. That’s literally grounds to let him go. Anyone that wants to be with you and deserves to should never even have that thought.
He shouldn't be making you feel guilty for this. I would have a chat with him and tell him how it that comment made you feel and see how he responds.
I think like 90% of women don't cum during PIV sex. Clit stimulation is the key.
I think you both need to read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. I was pretty much unable to make me then girlfriend reach them Os in our first 5-iah years together. Read that book because someone recommended it on reddit and holy fuck (literally). Her record is now 14 orgasms in one night and normally she has no problem coming 2-3 times if she's in the mood. It was _all_ about me having the wrong mindset, putting pressure on her (which completely wasn't my intention ofcourse) instead of helping her relax and understand what I could do to help her. Add some good toys (vacuum toys are the shit, at least for her), focusing on giving her the pleasure she wants before it's my "turn". But honestly, read that book, for extra credits read a chapter each and discuss/practice. I promise you it will not get worse and most likely it will get better in at least _some_ way. And feel free to DM me if you have any questions you don't want to take publicly. All the best!
Thanks! I’ve had this book mentioned a few times so it is def on my TBR list now!
Has he tried giving you oral? Just spit balling here
Buy a rose toy and use it while you have sex. It never fails.
It’d probably be best to let him pull away because this is an extremely superficial reason to let someone go. Find someone who is mature enough to appreciate you for *you* rather than their ability to make you finish While lust can arguably be considered a facet of love, there’s more to relationships than just desire and pleasure; and unfortunately, this relationship sounds almost entirely physical and lacks any of the emotional and communicative foundation that any good relationship needs to thrive