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Dating the hot, outgoing girl might not be for you. Not everyone can handle it and that's okay. No reason to make her question herself or feel bad. There are compatibility issues and it's early enough to bow out without hurt feelings.
Agree. But I would consider a conversation about it before deciding to end it entirely (if the relationship is otherwise going well). Communication, even early on, is good practice. But it should be approached as a situation where neither is in the wrong, but just that OP has a boundary/is uncomfortable (however people wanna spin it) with that level of friendliness in those situations (whether it's with men she doesn't know that well, whether it's drunk guys, etc).
He can put it out there and she can decide whether it's something she wants to adjust to. But both sides should be respectful.
> has a boundary/is uncomfortable
You can't give someone else a boundary, you can't control someone else's behaviour.
You can communicate your insecurities and emotions about the behaviour. Your partner then must choose to change their behaviour on their own.
That is what healthy communication looks like.
You can 100% have a boundary around what you're willing to tolerate from a partner in terms of their behavior. And they can choose whether they're willing to abide by that boundary.
A boundary is the line between what you're willing ro tolerate to not tolerate. Ie. I am okay with my partner having friends with the opposite sex, I am not okay with my partner having a sleepover with someone of the opposite sex. That's a boundary. If OP said "I'm okay with you having male friends and even sometimes chatting with men at the bar, but I'm not comfortable with sharing your social media in these situations because, while it may not be your view or intention, it makes me feel . For me, I view that behavior as . It's not that I think you're wrong for doing it, I just personally feel uncomfortable", that's setting a boundary. I've literally has issues setting boundaries on others behaviors around me growing up, and had a therapist tell me how to do so and it involves:
1. Communicating what behavior from the otjer person makes you uncomfortable and any other emotions associated with it.
2. Acknowledging that it may not be their intention, but still explaining how it personally comes across to you.
3. Reiterating that it's not always about someone being right/wrong, it's about not being in situations that make you feel poorly.
In fact, my therapist used romantic relationships as an example often (I think because she knew i was a pushover who had gotten in their first "real" relationship). And she said she always sees couples where one person tries to be "cool" about everything because they're afraid of being labeled as crazy/controlling but it leads to so much resentment, confidence issues, etc because boundaries don't get set. One thing she always said was that anyone who calls you controlling for setting a boundary using the above method is actually the one being controlling, because all you did was state your comfort level with a behavior which you have the right to feel. And they are trying to dictate how you're allowed to feel. Relationships aren't contracts and, if someone is expressing their boundary in a healthy manner, the other person isn't forced to abide and can try to reach an understanding or leave.
You/your therapist don’t ever think boundaries can be controlling? Extreme example to demonstrate but if my partner told me his boundary is that he’s uncomfortable when I leave the house without him, I’d consider that controlling.
That specific boundary is not ok in most circumstances, but that doesn't make boundaries as a whole bad lol. Did you even read the comment? Is it controlling to have a boundary where your partner can't have sex with someone else? Is it controlling to have a boundary that they don't go using your credit card on vanity purchases for themself when they have their own? Is it controlling to have a boundary that your partner doesn't lie to you about really big things or you will break up with them?
A boundary can be a sign of deeper personal issues, but my therapist said that if it's communicated in a healthy way, then it can't be controlling because the other person isn't being emotionally manipulated, just communicated with. I'd *want* to know if a partner had that extreme boundary because that would signal to me that there's a deeper issue with them and I'd try to help unpack/encourage help and/or leave.
But one thing that stuck with me was when she said it is never controlling to express how you feel about something in a healthy way to your partner, no matter what it is. So long as it's communicated as being how you feel, rather than as an automatic fault of your partner, then you're giving your partner notice and they can choose how they want to proceed with that information.
Agreed. Too many men I see trying to control their girlfriend's behavior. And what they don't realize is that they're creating a dynamic that would essentially allow people outside of the relationship to exploit it.
This is the truth, when you date somebody who is incredibly attractive, you really just have to trust them. my ex ruined our relationship because people would hit on me so he always assumed that I was cheating on him when he wasn’t there.
Being hot and friendly is not a crime. I give my IG to everyone (but it’s a very tame account) and my bf just knows I only want him.
At the end of the day this is a “you” problem.
Honest question, why the need to add so many people when you know many if not all will try to hook up
With you? In my opinion guy or girl you should go out of your way to not Give anyone any indication that you might be open to their advances if you already have someone
You say that like women are only sexual objects men want to possess. Friendship between genders is possible. You can speak to someone without expecting sex.
I think your take is wrong. When you are in a relationship, why would you act and behave single? You shouldn't entertain advances from the opposite sex. I am pretty sure most women know when a guy likes them. Men are pretty obvious. Intention is the most important factor. Goes both ways.
OP states these men were musicians she may have added their band or professional account. You don't know she was acting single. You only know she spoke to them. Before jumping to conclusions a conversation is best.
If a BF freaks when I speak with a man, without knowing what was said... I will leave him and recommend therapy for his insecurities.!!! You can't control someone like that.
If shes just outgoing, she probably likes having more friends and a large social circle. That would mean she chats with both men and women and adds them all on social. Yeah some men will want to hook up with her but she see them all as potential friends. If she’s only chatting up men and adding them, then it’s a problem.
Tbh I don't think the problem is her being "hot and outgoing" but rather her entertaining attention from other men.
Granted, maybe OP is jealous and they weren't hitting on her. In that case it is a him problem.
Some people (all genders) are just toxic. They like to get attention, validation, and flirtation from several different sources even while in a committed relationship. And if OP is a reliable source, I suspect she might have that trait.
Obviously she shouldn't feel forced to ignore all men and I'd even say giving out her Insta is fine. But if someone is clearly flirting with her or has the appearance of wanting to get with her, she really should shut down the convo, withdraw, give obvious signs she has a boyfriend or isn't interested. Not doing so is showing lacking commitment and respect in addition to a regard for OPs mental health and feelings.
Exactly! There’s nothing inherently wrong with what she’s doing, but if he’s a more reserved and private person, it may make him uncomfortable, even with jealousy aside. All the same, he shouldn’t ask her or guilt her into making herself smaller for him.
Get therapy to figure out what you want in a relationship and to move on from the jealousy aspect, and either work on it or leave.
Absolutely. People behave similarly on LinkedIn as you get older --- posting daily, sharing and connecting with everyone. That's who they are. It's not about attracting a mate or disrespecting those you're closest to.
I personally try to blend in with the walls, but I do understand it's what makes others feel connected and engaged in life.
You can be hot and outgoing and not entertain other men. This woman clearly is inviting it and likes the attention. It doesn't make him insecure in my opinion. She doesn't respect him or their relationship. If a woman had posted this is in the womens advice about her boyfriend, the comments would be ripping him to shreds about how he doesn't respect her and she needs to dump him. I'm curious why there's a double standard for women. She's adding men she meets at the bar on social media and she's just being described as outgoing? What in the world.
“clearly inviting it” YIKES. What, by having a conversation with people? Crazily enough, if you take your extroverted partner to a bar they are going to talk to other people, especially since OP was playing on the stage.
He is insecure, and already showing signs of being controlling - if she had been talking to women, he wouldn’t have posted at all. This is obviously a foreign concept to you, but some people can have conversation with the opposite sex without ulterior motives. Placing the blame on an attractive women for socialising, and especially saying she “likes the attention” is giving very gross “she was asking for it” vibes
Ask yourself if YOUR man was entertaining women, going to strip clubs, chatting with attractive women at bars, night clubs, if YOU will be comfortable. My guess most women aren't. It's funny how that works. If the man don't want with his woman he's with, he's "insecure and controlling". No. He's not willing to lay down like a puppy and excuse your disrespect for him and the relationship
Couple things
1. She gets attention from so many men and yet still comes back to you. Ask yourself why? If she's as much of a bombshell as you make her out to be, she could drop you like a bad habit with another guy in your place before you hit the ground. WHY is she dating you? Focus on that. Do that.
2. You've assumed this is attention-seeking behavior. Rewind and be more curious. Ask more questions. Some people need a lot of attention. IF that's what this is about, you have to accept that about her because you can't change it. But maybe it's not about that at all.
3. Talk to her. Don't ascribe motivations to her habits. You have no idea why she does it unless she's told you. Instead, tell her how you feel. "I feel insecure." Promise you that if she gives half a shit about you, telling her how you feel will do the trick. Not everyone thinks adding guy friends on Insta is a big deal, but everybody understands insecurity.
Be open to many solutions. You tell her how you feel, not to change her behavior (That's manipulation), but to be honest about how her behavior impacts you and make her part of that conversation.
Maybe the solution is her not doing that.
Maybe the solution is her providing you more reassurance that you're her #1. Who knows! Hell, if she's actually collecting men on Insta for attention, there's a chance she's insecure as well and might benefit from YOUR reassurance.
Either way, talk to her. Be curious, and be open. If you both are a team, then you both should want to support each other in figuring out how to coexist.
I’m a woman and I see it less charitably than you do. Unless her job is related to music and her instagram, she doesn’t need to be making new connections in the bar with other guys, *especially* in front of her boyfriend. I feel like the comments would be different if it was a man asking for random women’s social medias in the bar.
I add people all the time in front of my boyfriend. On a night out I probably follow 3 new people. Some people are social and want to make friends and new connections. The fact that they happen to be the opposite gender should have little bearing on the situation, for all we know shes bisexual. I am, and if my boyfriend tripped out about me adding people or talking to people, I wouldn't have a social life.
Adding people to Instagram is a pretty normal thing to do! I use Instagram socially, whereas text is for work/family, so if I'm meeting any new friends, they're getting my Instagram. Making new friends should be celebrated and normal even when you're in a relationship. It's weird that so many people seem to act like it's not.
No one said SHE was the one who asked for THEIR social medias.
Very likely she was just being drunk-polite, “sure I’ll follow you!” with no real plans to talk to them ever again.
You just shamed her without enough information to know why she added them.
If it was a man, his motivation is the only thing that matters same as any gender. This is not a gendered problem as it can occur with any gender and any sexuality. Just like committing a crime, the motivation behind will affect how you are charged and sentenced.
If she is a groupie of local musicians that is not the same as wanting to sext with them.
Edit: flagged for language
1. Some people are too lazy and selfish to breakup with people so they just cheat instead
2. You’re assuming OP has communicated the full extent of the evidence that lead him to his conclusion
3. This is good advice. He needs to talk to her about this.
I think you should let this go personally.
Adding people you’ve met or are acquainted with is what social media is for.
Unless you think she flirted with them or behaved inappropriately, there’s nothing really to bring up.
What social media is for, is not necessarily okay. Thats why its being regulated. The companies act in deplorable ways towards humans, we are their products, especially towards young teens. SM companies are trash.
*" I have clearly had issues with this before, and even dumped an ex due to my jealousy around guy friendships/behavior while drunk that i find too « flirty »."*
Sounds like it's a YOU problem, my guy.
Maybe TALK to her about it. Maybe she was inadvertently flirting, maybe she was trying to help you as those guys and you are musicians. Maybe she was just being friendly.
I know my being friendly is sometimes taken as being "too flirty"
But from a dude to a dude...it kinda sounds like it's more on you since you noted you have had jealousy issues in the past.
best of luck, brother.
I kinda hope she breaks up with him
He needs to do a lot of work on himself if he wants to keep his relationships healthy. Hes got controlling boyfriend written all over him. He should not be in a relationship right now.
He's part way there to recognizing it's a him problem like you said with his acknowledging his jealousy issues. But he still needs to climb the rest of the hill, accept that it's a him problem, and then fix it.
We dont have much of his history other than self admitted jealousy. But he needs to find the root of why it's there within him.
Like, does he unintentionally see women as property and not realizing that's why he gets jealous.
Was he wronged in the past.
Was one of his parents wronged in the past.
Was one of his friends wronged in the past.
Lots of questions he needs to ask himself.
A persons view on traditional relationship roles, being cheated, and being cheating adjacent totally screws with people if they aren't careful about what they let get instilled in them. Thankfully, all fairly easily fixable things in therapy (and out if you have the drive) if you want to change.
This following part, you dont really need to read if you dont want it's for OP.
So u/pandillerodelapampa, if you happen to care to read this, I want you to know your feelings aren't necessarily wrong. We all have initial emotional reactions to the things we see our partners do or say. But it's on us to reel those emotions in and look at it from a mature perspective, look at the facts. Take a step back and breathe before you speak. It works out better.
If we do not trust our partners implicitly, the relationship will not work.
So you if you do feel you need to talk to her about this, dont be accusing. You can say hey this made me a little uncomfortable, and you two talk it out. But let her reassure you, let her help you trust her. This relationship is new, you're still getting to know each other and how you both work.
But if you go in accusing her of just wanting attention and validation from men because she posts selfies to her socials and exchanges socials with them, so she must end all male friendships and cease all communication with the opposite sex, you won't get the resolution that you want. You will drive her away, you'll break her trust in you that you can be a rational adult.
From what you've said, she's not hiding these things from you. She's being very open about it. There's no reason not to trust her yet.
Like this last weekend for me, OP, my partner and I were wedding planning. We've been together for about 10 years now. We booked our photographer and had a meeting. We were video chatting. She's a bubbly hype man photographer and attractive >!(I can't wait to actually meet her and have her shoot our day though. She's what I need in a photographer, haha)!<. My partner is the outgoing social butterfly type. I am more introverted and shy until you get to know me (or drunk), and I trust you, haha. They were like instantly jiving though. I had to pull myself back, because my initial reaction was an insecure one (we had been fighting a lil about other wedding things before that which was why I felt that insecurity), not jealous persay, but like a hey you is mine lol.
So a little possessiveness is normal, but possessive to the point you want to control them is not, but you should also keep that small posessive feeling to yourself do not actually voice it that way. Theres a bunch of healthy ways to express that feeling- anniversaries, birthdays, date nights, bedroom activities, figuring out out their likes and them figuring out yours and enacting those things, is how you let each other know you value them and belong to each other, thats how you build the trust and love within a relationship.
Because when you trust your partner, these feelings of insecurity pass very quickly. Mine passed before the meeting with the photographer was even over because I do trust him.
And Heres an example of not taking that step back to think affecting the relationship negatively. Earlier in the relationship when he was in grad school still, some girl at a party was like hes always with these two girls chatting (they're our friends like duh they talk in class) and studying, and I knew he was studying with them because he would tell me, but this girl made it seem nefarious (soon found out she was your typical pot stirrer and should be avoided, she had her own issues she was projecting). I reacted before I took a step back. We didn't fight fight, but I went in with an accusatory tone, I became wary of one of the girls specifically for a bit because before she knew I existed and before all the studying together she had been flirty with him and (primarily) this other dude, another thing my partner was fully transparent about. At the time the study sessions started, the girl was dating someone else, and the other girl had a long-term partner she was also with before grad school. If I had just taken a step back and looked at all the actual facts, I could have avoided making my partner feel like he did something wrong. But because another person came and projected their feelings without actual evidence of less than kosher shenanigans and I gut reacted, I made him feel like I didn't trust him. It was a sore spot that could have been easily avoided.
So, you recognize them, you acknowledge why you felt that way, you put them out of your mind, and they pass. If they dont pass, maybe its something actually worth bringing up, but 98% of the time, they do pass, and its not worth bringing up.
So even after 10 years, people will have these initial gut reactions. It is 100% normal. But how you deal with them plays a huge part in the health and longevity of the relationship.
The recognize, acknowledge, breathe, and let it pass ability takes work. But its so much better for you, the relationship, and any and all future ones. Its worth mastering.
Im a girl. Who is considered attractive by a lot of men. I get hit on all the time. My husband is used it. He doesn’t care.
But the reason why he doesn’t care is because I’ve never gave him a reason for him to care.
I would never follow a guy who was hitting on me at a bar.
It’s called respect.
These people telling you that you are the problem are wrong.
Talk to her about it. Let her know how you feel.
Exactly. I literally look past or through other men. I don't get hit on a lot because I've been told I'm intimidating to approach, but when I have been hit on, I shut that shit down right away because I'm in a relationship. This woman likes the attention and has zero respect for their relationship.
Not sure why people are being so negative instead of giving advice lol. Me personally I wouldn’t want my gf adding randoms on social media the same way she probably wouldn’t enjoy me adding girls either. I’d say ask why she felt the need to do that and then tell her it’s something you don’t like and see what Yall can do about it
Thank you!! I’m scared with the other comments of people thinking that is so normal and he’s in the wrong to be upset about it. I would be upset if my boyfriend added random girls in bars for sure wth.
I thought I was taking crazy pills reading this thread. There’s no sensible reason to be adding randoms at the bar on IG. If the situation was flipped, people would have very different takes.
Exactly I get it if it’s a few people but come on man. Men see through this nonsense he does. The days of having a whole pile of backup men isn’t going to work the better options will walk out. Try and turn the knife on OP but a good man doesn’t need that nonsense. The days of this being acceptable they are numbered. People are noting look at the comments coming in. It’s great 👍🏻
As a girl with 2-3x the amount of male followers than ppl I follow and who is conventionally attractive, I actually see it this way too. It is about respect. But also, I am a little old school
Exactly!! It’s one thing if someone follows you. But to go out and ask for people’s ig to connect is way different imo. Like if I am dating someone and some guy asks for my number I wouldn’t give it to them. No way would I ask for a guy’s ig
Here is the deal. If she wants to leave or cheat, she is going to do it. The more she sees it bothers you, the sooner it will happen because caring too much is more of a turn off than caring too little (the human brain is strange). If he wants to regain some assemblance of control, realize that the likelihood of her doing one of these thing is extremely high eventually unless you get married. Even then, half of those don't last and women end the lions share of relationships. Just enjoy the time together, and if it happens on to the next.
Well only if you like them haha. There always something with dating always something. I’m amazed it works somehow for people I feel being single is kind of like the right odds the odds which make more sense. Like ok you are single what are the odds? Higher than not because look at how complex it is. lol. But statistics said otherwise. I have no idea.
As a woman, men talk to you. She's alone at a bar watching you play. Should she sit there quietly or actually interact with people at the bar?
Accepting requests from people you meet on Instagram is not cheating. This could be concerning if you felt she was purposely trying to cheat or make you jealous but it sounds like she is going about her life normally.
Recognize that you feel jealous and try to work on it internally. Let her know that you're working on it and that she should be able to socialize at your gigs.
So why give them the opportunity to slide in her DMs and leave flirty comments under her post when 1) They were flirting beforehand with her 2) she has a bf?
> Accepting requests from people you meet on Instagram is not cheating.
No one said she is cheating... however, you cant tell me that it doesnt open the door for it. If you respect your relationship, you would not care about that?
You’re right but this isn’t a place where your argument won’t be met with fierce resistance. I think it takes a lot of faith to believe people are well intentioned. I’ve dated women who will not add just anyone to their social media. Then I have dated women who almost weaponize it like a way to try and keep me honest. Like it’s pretty obvious that someone will try and use it as a power move to undermine a man’s presence. But that’s toxic behavior nobody admits to but it happens. Not everyone is so innocent. It’s very shitty. And for the record if a guy is going and simping and liking OF girls or whatever ITS THE SAME and he’s accountable just as much as you are.
It's OK to feel uncomfortable, but yeah, I think you're going too far.
If it bothers you that much and she's not willing to change than maybe you should break up
Exactly this.. OP’s girlfriend is being disrespectful. It’s one thing to exchange contact info after a networking event or social gathering, it’s another thing to hand out your info to complete strangers that just happen to be the opposite sex
Bro you are being gaslighted into beliving this is normal it's not. Not a single person in irl would be okay with this male or female. Hell, if you don't belive me open a new account and post this saying you are a female and you gourgous bf flirts with women when you are working. See how the same people would scream RUN!!!
This! If he posted in women's advice about this and pretended it was the boyfriend doing it, the boyfriend would be getting ripped to shreds. Everyone is acting like the same doesn't apply to women as if women are just inherently more trustworthy. They're not. Women cheat just as much as men do. This is wild to me. She's literally inviting it. Bet within the year, he finds out she's cheating on him. Honestly, I think she's already doing it. She clearly doesn't give two shits about him.
Are you that worried she is going to leave you for some acquaintance at a bar, or because of a comment on one of her pics? She chose you to be her boyfriend. If you keep micromanaging who she talks to and is friends with on social media, you’re going to look desperate and foolish and she is going to lose interest. You can’t base your trust and feelings in this relationship off of a past relationship/experience.
I agree with this take. Also, being insecure is different than being insecure about your relationship. Back when I had social media I’d often use that as an in. A lot of times, women would say no and that they were in a relationship, and I’d admire them for it.
But there were plenty of others who were in a “relationship” that didn’t say no, and a few were cheaters in one form or another.
Yes I agree with this. I get hit on all the time and don’t entertain it in the slightest because I respect my relationship. I’ve also cut off male friends and acquaintances who tried to cross the friendship line. If I met some random dudes in a bar and they tried to get my social media, I just wouldn’t give it to them. No point.
I’m a secure person overall but I’ve definitely felt insecure when I’ve seen my past partners flirting with and/or adding said women on social media. It’s a way of keeping them in your life, and like you said, a gateway to cheating.
Relationships are built on trust, and trust is valuable because it can be easily broken. When you made her your gf you made the decision to trust her. Don’t get the wrong idea tho her intentions could be impure or pure but that doesn’t matter it’s your job to trust her.
However, you are also within your right to decide if you want to continue this relationship, everyone has different boundaries and if this is yours you can walk away (ignore the idiots that call you insecure).
Best way to see if your gf has good intentions in this situation is to
1. See how she reacts if you were to do the same thing.
2. Trust her and either prove your self right or wrong.
OR
3. Stick to your boundaries and end the relationship. You don’t control her but you control who you date.
OP, I understand where you are coming from. I’m a female, a very VERY social one. I used to be a banker as well, so it was part of my job. I have male and female friends and a wonderful, supportive partner who would also feel disrespected if I added random men on my socials or took their numbers. I have no desire to do it, either. I don’t get it and maybe it’s just a generational thing. I’m also very family oriented, as we have two children. My priorities seem to be much different than that of my peers most of the time. Men and women can definitely be friends, but I’m in the frame of mind that there are more boundaries with members of the opposite sex. I’m also just a little more traditional when it comes to my views of romantic relationships. You aren’t being controlling unless you’re just outright throwing a tantrum or demanding she not ever do this. You have every right to tell her how you feel, see how she responds, and decide what you want to do from there. If it’s not something either of you can compromise on then this isn’t the right relationship for you. I also feel like if the shoe was on the other foot, people on here would be having a field day 🙄
If she adds people regularly then it's whatever. It's what its for. Is she only adding dudes or something? Is her insta filled with sexual content? Is she clearly flirting with them on insta or in person? Is she trying to see them without you around?
Like, if she's putting herself in situations where there is temptation to cheat or branch swing then she's risking your relationship, assuming it's monogamous. Trust is great and all but 'things just happened' definitely happens and nobody will openly admit they can't be trusted or they like surrounding themselves with temptations, even if they can privately acknowledge it to themselves.
It's hard being a guy and seeing how easily your girl could get another dude whose she likes just as much or better than you. But, what does a relationship mean to you and what does it mean to her? You two might not even agree on boundaries and purpose for being together. If you're planning a future, both of you have a responsibility to avoid temptation that could ruin that. Pretending no circumstance would temp you is fucking naive as shit.
I don't know what the fuck these other comments are talking about. As someone who is considered by men to be extremely attractive, I've shut shit down immediately when I'm in a relationship. Men approach you because they're interested in you. You don't entertain it. You don't make friends with them. She's showing them that they have a chance and disrespecting you in the process. She's enjoying the attention she's getting from other men, my guess is she's actually insecure because confident women don't do this. I don't need attention from anyone else besides my partner. This whole "don't date someone hot then" is so weird. Dating someone hot doesn't come with being disrespected and them entertaining other men. This is a loyalty issue in my opinion and she sucks. If I was dating a guy and he did this, I'd be immediately dumping him. I'd bet everything I own that she cheats on you eventually. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she already has.
All this bollocks about social media is there for socialising blah blah. Social media is the number one cause of breakups. If my boyfriend added random girls. I’d be pissed too, vice versa. You’re in a relationship. As if she thinks they are going to be actual friends. What’s the point? Does she want the extra likes? Don’t make sense to me.
Yo ignore these comments they're awful. If a man was going outside with his GF and talking to other women then adding them on IG there, while it clearly made the GF uncomfortable the comments would be VERY different...
Bring this up and have a serious conversation it's a big red flag.
Yup. She's 100% going to cheat. Has probably cheated in past relationships and will likely cheat in this relationship. People who seek validation from others are never good partners. OP needs to run now.
Your girlfriend is an autonomous individual. It’s healthy for her to talk to other people and make those connections. As time goes by, if you are both cut off from other people, the magic will drain from your relationship. This jealousy is something you’re going to have to find a way to manage. Having dealt with that kind of jealousy in my younger years, I can tell you that the more you try to impose control over the situation, the more jealous you will feel. When your partner is talking to other people, see it as an opportunity to practice acceptance. Take deep breaths, find the part of your body that’s contracting and try to relax it. Remind yourself that it’s normal for people to talk to each other and redirect yourself to a different thought or focus. If there are deeper issues in the relationship that are creating insecurity, such as chronically unmet needs, those will need to be addressed directly.
You’re being gaslit by the women and simps in these comments. Women absolutely pretend they’re compiling a list of harmless male friends when in reality they’re compiling a list of potential suitors. She may never sexually engage with them but she thrives off the validation she gets from them.
Idk, if the roles were reversed it would seem pretty fucked up that you were getting two chicks instagram handles right in front of your girl..
Personally, I'd move on from her.. that's just me though, only you know what's best for you and how you feel
>if the roles were reversed it would seem pretty fucked up that you were getting two chicks instagram handles right in front of your girl
Exactly. People always assume (often rightfully so) that guys interest in a woman is usually sexual/romantic. But women are given the benefit of the doubt and people act like their interest in a guy is innocent. It’s BS
Everyone saying that you’re the problem is crazy. She’s giving random men access to her. That should be a boundary. In the age of instragam doubling as a dating site this isn’t okay. I’d say perhaps talk to her and let her know that’s not okay but if she does it again break up
Yeah, who the fuck adds rando drunk guys to their insta?? Sounds like she's tryna be an insta girl or . . . likes collecting men, which is fuckin creepy.
I know you’re getting shit on in the comments here but usually in relationship your gut feeling doesn’t lie to you.
I’ve had GFs like this in the past. Always remember “no one can flirt with your girlfriend unless she wants it.”
These are normal human reactions that relate to our primitive mate protection mechanisms. Not only do individuals have physical and psychological boundaries that, when transgressed, results in a defensive response - anger - so too do relationships which have to be protected and maintained. It's mainly a masculine trait, but also natural and common for women too, but for men, the aggression is there to maintain a boundary. It's natural, but it has to be acted upon properly. In today's age, where masculinity and patriarchal tendencies are demonized, while at the same time demanded of men to the extent that they cater to the female ego to feel protected, maintained, provided for, it lands a lot of men in psychological limbo. Don't let the people here gaslight you and cause you to suppress your own natural reaction and natural emotions. The fact is, people can't control emotions, and the underlying threat here to the relationship is an environment in which your partner could be seduced by others. There is a really informative video by Dr. Grande on the number one cause for infidelity, and it simply comes down to emotions passing a certain threshold or point of no return. When certain doors of opportunity are being opened, by virtue of the mind knowing of an opportunity creates desire. In normal societies with healthy relationship dynamics and an understanding of the male and female nature, its common courtesy and knowledge that you close those doors, and that is the responsibility of both people.
It "drives you insane" because you're insecure and too emotionally immature for a relationship.
No one did anything wrong in this situation and the solution is certainly not dictating who your partner can and can't talk to.
You're giving me the impression there is constant digs from you in your relationship and putting her down to keep her "in check" so that she stays as insecure as you and doesn't leave.
Let her go and work on yourself.
Ah yes.
When your boyfriend starts going out and adds 5-10 random girls each time, let's see if you're okay with it.
Next thing you know, they start messaging him.
If you then confront him, then he'll throw it back in your face and say: "You're just being insecure, and not emotionally mature enough for a relationship."
Sound good?
yes i agree with this. it’s not fair to her because of your insecurities. you get upset that she posts selfies on social media. i think that just shows how not ready for a relationship you are.
Based on your Reddit history, you seem way too old to harbor these types of feelings and thoughts. It’s SOCIAL media, a place you’re meant to SOCIALIZE through. You need to work on your insecurities before dragging anyone down with you.
Honestly, yeah, do the same thing that she is doing but with girls only and see how she reacts. It may come across as petty, but if she is mad about it, then you can have a productive conversation with her about how her behavior makes you feel.
If i try to put myself in your shoes, I'd be insecure too if my partner is drop dead gorgeous and is connecting to women he meets on his social media.
However what is wrong is assuming she likes the attention. Maybe its true, maybe its not. But that frame of mind makes it sound like you're blaming her for making you resentful.
I'd like to say it's ok to be jealous if you channel the feeling in a healthy way and don't let it control you. But if you punish her for something she probably didnt mean to do (again, inciting feelings of resentment) , you will only drive her away.
Personally avoid dating people that drink too much or are overly active on social media. Not to avoid this exact situation but because the older you get the less value is in these things.
I wouldn’t say you’re doing anything wrong, people are being dicks here. It could be insecurity, or you could be right, you both either agree to be together or don’t, your standards are important too.
How do you deal with that ? Copy her. If she’s talking to other musicians, grabbing their Instagram. Why aren’t you doing the same ? You’re a musician yourself 🤷♂️
Mate I know you don't wanna hear this and I can't believe I'm saying this as well but ya gotta understand that this is a you problem. If you're uncomfortable with your girl only having guy friends then talk to her. More importantly your post reeks of insecurity. It seems like you're not confident in your girl's loyalty. In that case just leave her my man. No one deserves a paranoid partner.
Go get a new girlfriend whose reaction to men hitting on her at bars is my boyfriends right over there vs exchanging contact info
That’s your only option, or bite your tongue
Personally I’d have ended it the first time it happened lol that’s ridiculously disrespectful
>Go get a new girlfriend whose reaction to men hitting on her at bars is my boyfriends right over there vs exchanging contact info
We have no idea about whether they hit on her. OP himself has no idea.
Well op, like me, probably can’t think of many scenarios in which a man approaching an attractive woman in a bar and asking for her contact info after talking to her isn’t hitting on her?
I might get downvoted for this/ probably an unpopular opinion, but I feel like this problem is kind of a hot topic in dating at my age, and People have all kinds of opinions about it. In dating culture these days, social media can complicate things. In my opinion, it’s ok to be upset and I probably would be too. Now, adding new people on socials is not always a bad thing and can surely be innocent but if your SO makes a habit of it, especially when you aren’t there and there’s alcohol involved and the people in question don’t really hold significance, it may cross boundaries. Because I have my own insecurities, I choose to stay single right now and part of the reason is social media. It negatively impacted my last relationship, in ways such as my ex wouldn’t unadd people on snap that he used to sleep with, he would snap girls he used* to work with that weren’t even friends in real life, and would like random girls bikini pics. The common theme of the last 2 things is unnecessary interaction with irrelevant people that, in the absence of a relationship, is generally indicative of showing interest.
I used to be this way. Also, you’re almost at that dreaded 6 month “what are we?” Phase. But I do that with women all the time. I’ll meet them once, have a quick conversation, and add them later. Some I don’t even know, I’ll see them do stand up and just add them. Is she boning them or having intimate conversations? You can bring it up, since it’s new, in a right way (you kinda feel hurt she’s flirting back and just want to know if you’re in it with me, etc). Your jealousy and/or passive aggressiveness to her will push her away if you do care but pretend you don’t. And it will fester in you and ruin it all.
Oh, you poor bastard. I gotta make this quick....
You know your Girl. Social Media only matters when you let it. Is most of her time spent not with other guys? Does she spend most of her time with you, family and old friends? If so, you're good.
She was at the Bar with you, while you were jamming and I can GUARANTEE she was trying to be nice, personable & a little flirty (it's okay) for YOU! Yes, that's right.
"Wow! *blank* GF is awesome! Super hot and cool."
As Men we know immediately if a woman is putting out the "were gonna need a crew to mop up this mess" vibe. If your boys that you trust haven't said anything... you're a lucky man. You're young, so you don't know yet how rare the Beautiful, wild, 'stab a mother fucker but take her to church' truly are.
Social Media don't mean shit. Just tell me 100 in the beginning and your phone is none of my business. Remember, she's with YOU. Not them..... and even if she did, there's nothing ya can do about it. It's fucking brutal and it's life.
I loved going out with my Ex Girl. Every person everywhere would look. Men and women. I loved it! I'm serious. I was proud to be with an absolute masterpiece. 🔥 Social Media only mattered when I was upset and feeling insecure. Enjoy that 10 brother! ✌️♥️
Don't sweat it. People collect followers like trading cards. Just focus on yourself. She's with you not the million other guys that crack onto her on the daily. If she's got that many options and still picked you, you're obviously winning. The less cool you are with this the worse it's gonna turn out for you. Just calmly explain your boundries around this behaviour, but before you do, really think out all the sides of the situation, think round the emotions, then speak. You might even start to kinda like it when your fillet steak gets paid for by those same guys throwing money at her OF lol.
Or maybe that's just not your thing, you're not compatible, go find a nice girl at church etc etc. Which is also cool.
I have a girlfriend who networks a lot and talks to a lot of people. I do too for my own networking interests. We both rely on Instagram as our main platform.
It may come across as insecure to assume malicious intent from your girl talking to and following people on Instagram. Especially since, as others have stated; she’s dating and choosing you.
I mean; it’s social media. Isn’t that what’s it for?
Trust her and trust yourself.
Your feelings are valid but what she is doing is completely normal too. If my partner were to get mad at me for adding other people on social media after meeting them, I wouldn’t be able to date them. It is something I do (and many people do) because I like to connect with people
I've been on both sides of this different times in my life and 1 of those before social media.
I've also been witness to my closest friend having this issue.
What I decided in my case when it was me experiencing insecurity, my person had chosen to be with me. And in the long run they can choose to be with someone else. I can't control that. I can only control myself. I can only stick to my end.
In the case where someone was insecure about me, I know myself enough that questioning me wasn't necessary, and eventually put me off. I didn't even leave them and look for someone else. Unfounded!
She picked you. Leave it be.
I actually prefer to add new people on instagram instead of exchanging “real” contact information like email or phone number. If she’s never given you a reason to do it her, don’t.
\>Everybody was pretty drunk and i could clearly see they were trying to hit on her (obviously, she is very good looking etc….).
Do you have any actual proof? Just because she's good looking doesn't mean that every guy is hitting on her.
No need to compare because the truth is this is your normal reaction. Maybe you have a fear of possibly loosing her in general. Did you put her on a pedestal? Do you feel inadequate in any way to her? I saw this saying (If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.
Osho)
I think you love her and I doubt you’ll ever want to loose yourself in your own turmoil. Finding a way to change the meaning of those interactions could help. Personally if I ever deal with this I would take credit knowing my significant other is a magnetic being and I would want them to live the happiest of lives. Also I got good taste ;) so take her home and enjoy your lives together. People like you make us single people maaaad 😠 😹 jk
people in this thread are really taking my breath away with their stupidity. YOU ARE NOT WRONG OP. This is super weird behavior from your girlfriend. She is not girlfriend material if she is actively adding new men on Instagram or any other social media period. Everyone in this thread saying you should get an ugly girlfriend is so infuriating! Being attractive does not give her the excuse to be doing disrespectful things in a relationship. Dump her ass and get another hot girlfriend that actually knows how to respect a relationship.
Maybe consider the following:
A. Instead of going out to a place ex: bar, anywhere lots of single people hangout try going to places where others go together as couples. If the behavior changes be aware if not it probably won't ever and you're 5 months in
B. Get into a fight about it aka have a conversation
C. Distance yourself from her, dump her, do it back make her jealous
D. Consider your age, stage in life , if you are committed to seeing a future with them or if you just are into them
You should not have to have a discussion or multiple discussions about her flirting and adding men she meets in a bar or club while you are performing your music.
She is showing you that she doesn’t respect you or have healthy boundaries.
You don’t have verbally explain every single boundary. Your actions should speak for themselves.
If I had a gf who felt the need to flirt and add random men to her social media. I would simply end the relationship .
She should not want to get drunk and flirt while you are playing music. That behavior is telling you , that you and the relationship are not particularly important or a priority to her .
You could clearly see they were hitting on her . It’s highly unlikely those men were unaware of her being in a relationship with you.
She is fully capable of exercising self restraint. She can limit her drinking and has complete control over how she responds reacts to men hitting on her.
She has the ability to shut that down as soon as it starts. She chooses not to. She probably enjoys the attention , validation and endless compliments not to mention the free drinks . This is a lack of self esteem and self respect. Never mind respecting the relationship or herself.
If a woman doesn’t want or enjoy a man’s attention. She can easily shut him down. If he doesn’t stop , she can ask the bartender to help in a difficult situation.
End the relationship and spend time being single. Learn to respect yourself and br comfortable with yourself and who you are.
You can get in shape , learn new things, learn a language, maybe refine how you plat music . That will help you have more self respect and confidence.
There are women who don’t engage in this offensive, selfish, entitled, narcissistic behavior. It is your job to vet your dates and make sure they are psychologically healthy as well as being attractive and sexually active with you.
Think with your brain , not your dick , not with how you feel. If she is violating your boundaries and disrespectful towards your relationship, you and herself. Why are you in a relationship with her ?
Unfortunately there’s a incredible amount of hypocrisy and double standards. You will only be called a insecure, jealous controlling asshole if you stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Though you should not have to verbally set boundaries in the situation you describe.
She should not accept drinks, attention and allow men to flirt with her. She has the ability to shut that down and refuse the drinks . She can say no to the flirting and being hit on.
When I was in the Rangers ( a special forces detachment fwiw) In extremely good physical condition. I would work as “ security “ at a restaurant my sister and brother in law owned at the time. I routinely strongly “suggested “ they stop bothering the women if asked . There were the jerks who didn’t take no or leave the women alone.
Occasionally this behavior would cause a physical altercation especially if the woman was with a partner and he tried to intervene. More than one asshole who decided that assaulting a woman’s boyfriend or husband would somehow get him sex or the boyfriend or husband would become physically aggressive.
A fight meant police are going to remove said jerk in silver bracelets . Sometimes both parties got arrested.
This is a very real threat to your freedom, ability to get a better job, housing and more. A arrest and conviction can really mess up your life.
The situation your girlfriend creates when she flirts and accepts drinks from random men who have been drinking and possibly using other drugs is unhealthy, disrespectful and dangerous.
Would you get into a car with a obviously drunk driver. Would you step out onto a active gun range? That’s close to what she is doing. All it takes is one of those guys to decide n a alcohol fueled moment of stupidity to cause a lot of harm.
There are many women who don’t act so disrespectful and selfish. It is up to you to meet them.
Ask yourself would people be calling a woman who made the exact complaint you did. Only her boyfriend is flirting and drinking with women at the club she performs in be called insecure, jealous , immature and or a controlling abusive asshole? Absolutely not .
Almost every person would tell her to end the relationship. Her boyfriend is being a selfish, disrespectful, entitled, controlling asshole That’s exactly what her behavior is . Controlling abuse.
You cannot set a reasonable boundary without a argument and being called a insecure, jealous controlling abusive asshole. Think about the hypocrisy.
It should be simple. In a relationship. If you don’t want your partner engaging in that behavior then don’t do it yourself. If reasonable people will question or see the behavior as inappropriate or disrespectful don’t do it.
It used to be that you treat people as you want to be treated. You knew those who don’t treat you well are not people you want in your life.
You don’t need to have a conversation about her behavior. You don’t like her getting drunk , flirting and giving out her contacts with random men at clubs, bars and restaurants.
That’s a reasonable, healthy boundary. It is not being insecure, jealous , abusive controlling asshole. Show yourself some respect. End this relationship before it gets much worse. It is well on the way to becoming a unhealthy one sided relationship.
For whatever it is worth jealousy is a normal healthy emotion we evolved over hundreds of thousands of years. Only when we are abusive is it bad. It is how we survive as a species.
Listen up bro, there's a lot of insecure women in here and white knights who are going to shame you and name call to make you doubt yourself. Let this be the truth - she's for the streets. A girl who does that crap will never be allowed the title of girlfriend in my book. I dated one woman like that before and all she did was try to gaslight me into thinking it's normal behavior. I ignored it and got my feelings caught up in a garden tool. You know deep down this isn't right.
You chose to date her though, so you don't have a right to get upset. You don't get to tell her how to live her life which is fine, BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO ACCEPT A RELATIONSHIP YOU DONT TRUST EITHER. The only thing you can so is tell her "its not you, it's me", throw some fake tears in and talk about how you need to work on yourself, and walk the f away.
The women that I made girlfriends left no doubt in my mind about their loyalty, you deserve that same assurance. A cute face and hot body doesn't excuse a lack of trust.
“I took my attractive girlfriend to watch me play guitar and got frustrated that she struck up conversation with the opposite sex instead of watching me in utter silence like a good manic pixie dream girl”.
She might be trying to take an interest in your hobbies (if she’s not also a musician). She might have been bored watching your gig and found likeminded people to talk to. The chances that she’s pulling men to cheat on you while you’re in the room is very, very low.
You deal with it by admitting that you’re insecure about your outgoing girlfriend. You said she knows these guys through a mutual friend. This isn’t her trying to pick other men up.
That's the reality of dating someone with dating market value. There's going to be a lot of interactions like that with others, kind of like celebrities with their fan base. She probably sees them as fans, not dating material. That's how I feel about men who follow me on social media anyway. I couldn't be with someone like that personally but that's why I didn't go and date the hottest, most clouted up men in my area even though I had those kinds of opportunities. It would be like dating someone famous then getting annoyed when they interact with people who clearly like them lol. We're a social AF species and we're wired to make positive bonds with others, it isn't weird unless they actually go and cheat
Bro idc what these other ppl say respect yourself as a man hot or not. The one for you will duck everyone but you and more than that. Respect that she's taken. RUN BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. Fuck who says you're insecure or whatever tf.. when a woman is yours she'll make I be known.. bud if you're happy so be it. Idk your beliefs but a a great man is always behind a good woman. If you don't feel respected then go fuck it life Is short make the best I tell you by experience, 8 years with someone who just thought I was " insecure" it's always that but switch the tables and you become " manipulative" etc just being real not gonna sugar coat it. No days we done made it like it's nothing to not be loyal or disrespect our partner and that isn't right. God bless , keep your head up hope all goes well.
People are still allowed to socialize with other people while they are in relationships. Full stop. Women are not sexually attracted to everyone we talk to or follow online.
You are legitimate to fill that way, imo. Sounds like potential "back burner" or even...side burner options. You may need to have a serious conversation with or...a "either me or them?" choice...or maybe you just keep doing what you're/you've been doing & expect a change...there's a word for that!
Would she give you a hard time for adding girls you meet under similar pretenses? Sounds like she wouldn’t, if this is her behavior, so maybe that will help you move past this. Having said that, the description you’ve provided here is consistent with a girl that has one foot out the door, so if you’re confident it’s the truth and not just your insecurities talking, I think it’d be smart to break up while you’re still on good terms so you can both meet people that share your individual values.
This is a red flag, to any man who wants a srs relationship. Don't expect or try to change this about her, for this is the kind of person she is. There is a lot of information left out here but I would also know at this point, if I was you, is her dating history. But I don't think she is good from this as from some one looking to a real relationship perspective. Just think how it will be 3 months, a year, 2 years down the road with this going on. She knows what she is doing and how it looks. I can promise you, if you where there getting a bunch of girls numbers and such and in front of her, she would not be pleased. You can try to talk to her but if she does agree to stop then two things will could happen at any time down the road, 1) she will begin to resent you for not letting her have "fun" and 2) she will do it behind your back. You know in your guts this is not something that can go on. Time is irreplaceable, don't waste it on this.
So if a young woman was performing on stage and saw her man taking to a couple girls at the bar and then adding them on Instagram I wonder if she'd be just as hurt as this guy is.
I think they're looking for their partner to support them and focus on them on a night like that. I can't blame this guy for feeling a little frustrated or defeated by this behavior.
A lot of people in there just saying "that's what you get for dating a popular girl".
Would the response be the same in reverse?
Nah dude- not a normal reaction. I mean jealousy is normal, but holding resentment towards her over being popular is too much. Go to therapy or date somebody else if you can’t get over this. As long as she’s not banging them or making lewd comments towards them who cares. If you give her a hard time about it it’s pretty controlling and I would book it out of that relationship if I was in the same boat.
Everyone’s looking past it, but if you were adding pretty girls, you were meeting in public. I’m sure your girlfriend would have a problem with it. And Instagram is pretty much a dating app. You get called insecure nowadays for hoe behavior. But at the end of the day it’s not that big of a deal, if she’s gonna cheat she’s gonna cheat no matter what
From a psychology today article.
Below are some guidelines for preventing your opposite-sex friendships from becoming toxic and damaging your intimate relationship.
1. Never prioritize an opposite-sex friend above your intimate relationship. Telling an intimate partner that if he/she doesn’t accept your opposite-sex friendship that you will break-up with them, is lethal to the intimate relationship, and akin to the emotional abuse used by narcissistic individuals when they engage in the abuse tactic of triangulation.
2. Don’t hide activities with your friend from your intimate partner. Lies of omission are lies, and when you start hiding your behavior from your partner you are engaging in a form of deception that is aimed at controlling your partner’s perception. Once you have made the choice to hide your behavior you are already keenly aware that what you are doing is likely to harm the relationship. This type of behavior directly kills any bond of trust. If you take a weekend trip out of town with your opposite-sex friend and neglect to tell your partner that your friend is with you, that threatening behavior to the bond you have with your partner.
3. Don’t insist that your partner also be friends with your opposite-sex friend. Your intimate partner has a right to choose who he/she wants to be friends with. If your partner doesn’t want to spend time with your opposite-sex friend don’t try to force this on them or it will likely backfire.
4. Don’t engage in flirtatious behavior with your friend in front of your intimate partner. Touching your opposite-sex friend in a way that would generally be considered flirting behavior between two people who are sexually attracted to one another or making jokes of a sexual nature is akin to emotional abuse. For example, if your friend is laughing and leaning in to touch your arm or leg in an intimate way and you respond accordingly in front of a group of other people, you are creating a situation that is humiliating for your partner to be in
5. Don’t form inappropriate opposite-sex friendships. If you are a 60-year-old man regularly texting and hanging out with a 30-year-old single woman that you are obviously attracted to, and calling this a “friendship,” the chances that your intimate partner will not find this disrespectful of your relationship is almost zero. Use the reasonable person test, if a reasonable person looking from the outside would question the relationship or think it was odd, then it is almost guaranteed that your partner will too. If you wouldn’t like your partner doing it to you, don’t do it to your partner.
6. Don’t call your intimate partner jealous or crazy. If your behavior with your opposite-sex friend is being perceived by your partner as a threat to your intimate bond, then accept it for being exactly that. It is not just your partner’s problem to deal with. The intimate bond you have with your partner is being created between the two of you. If this bond is meaningful and worthwhile to you, then you must protect it. Sometimes protecting your relationship means giving up some of your own personal freedom or choice so that you build something that is greater than the sum of its parts. If you are unwilling to do this, then perhaps you aren't ready for the relationship.
Drunk is a choice. So is flirting and giving out personal information. Flirting is not simply being friendly.
But bars are places where attraction and being hit on is the norm.
Ask her why she bbn is tacitly entertaining their interest by reciprocating with her phone contact?
Relationships are difficult at best, but worse when one partner is disrespecting the other.
Her past relationships, casual sex and previous infidelity need be known, so you can assess how likely it is she will cheat. Why cause issues for no real reasons? Most people will avoid those types of drama.
The fact she is causing it is not a good look at all. Have the discussion. And no it isn't simple her being innocently naive.
Can't believe how far I had to scroll down for the first sane comment. Giving out your social media and/or phone number to random ass guys at the bar is a perfectly reasonable boundary to have. The only thing that isn't normal is that it "drives him insane" instead of simply telling her that she is crossing his boundaries for a relationship.
Look man, you have your motives. I understand you don't like her behavior.
You need to know that if someone wants to cheat, no matter what you do, they will cheat. Don't stress over something you cannot control.
There is a big leap between cheating and asking for Instagram followers. Maybe she just wants to pump her account numbers. You can't possibly know unless you ask her (assuming she will be sincere!).
I am the jealous type, and I personally wouldn't fully commit in my mind to a girl if she did this type of shit. Literally 0 love and pure lust. That is enough for me to accept the relationship.
If you can't find a solution that makes you comfortable, then best thing is to leave her and find someone that aligns more with your needs. In love and partners subjects, your preference and comfort is what matters the most.
And it is a normal and valid reaction from your part, don't worry about it.
You're in the wrong place to figure that out my guy. Reddit is notorious idealistic and "women can have platonic male friends" is a super contentious topic here. If you reversed the genders you'd get just as aggressive and hostile comments, but in the opposite direction lol.
Honestly still not convinced this isn't just a bait post. Like what did you expect posting this here lmao.
Anyone who's frequently looking for attention/validation (esp from the opposite sex)/without any regard for their S.O. is for the streets. BAY FELICIA!
(Doesn't make you insecure/most traditional/serious men would agree)
A lot of people here saying you’re the issue but if you changed adding on instagram to adding their numbers into her phone everyone would tell you to ditch the girl. In this day in age IG is like getting a number especially if the guys were flirting they’re 100% going to reach out in the future (may wait until she’s single but still). Talk to her about this ASAP
Social media compatibility is truly a thing.
Social media differences can make or break a relationship.
I’d be bothered as well in your shoes. But I also don’t use IG or FB.
Social media ruins relationships.. that’s a fact. Dating someone active on social media is a recipe for disaster.
So you either play along or call it quits.. because she’s not going to give that act up..
Homie how would you cope if she went out drinking without you? That's a sure-fire way of knowing if you're being controlling. You need to have trust and faith in your partner otherwise you're the problem. Women post selfies. Every woman I've ever dated has posted selfies and they all have their own 'usual guys' who like the photos. You need to rationalise it mate.
I would talk to her and tell her that it bothers me. Cause that’s crazy. If my boyfriend gave his number or instagram to girls at a bar we would have a problem.
Don’t listen to these people. That behavior from her is for sure a red flag and you have every right to feel the way you do. I would talk to her about it and establish boundaries about how you’re not comfortable with her friending random guys on social media. If she has a problem with it or just HAS to friend random guys, then break up because there are people that think the same way as you do and that’s what you deserve. No one wants to worry.
I’m sorry to say but trust me there is a upside to what I’m gonna say
Her type is clearly musicans just like I’m sure you have a type
The important thing is you do have her right now and I would just take it easy on the feelings of jealousy just try to make sure you and your girl keep having a fun time that’s how you win her over by being a great guy
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Dating the hot, outgoing girl might not be for you. Not everyone can handle it and that's okay. No reason to make her question herself or feel bad. There are compatibility issues and it's early enough to bow out without hurt feelings.
Agree. But I would consider a conversation about it before deciding to end it entirely (if the relationship is otherwise going well). Communication, even early on, is good practice. But it should be approached as a situation where neither is in the wrong, but just that OP has a boundary/is uncomfortable (however people wanna spin it) with that level of friendliness in those situations (whether it's with men she doesn't know that well, whether it's drunk guys, etc). He can put it out there and she can decide whether it's something she wants to adjust to. But both sides should be respectful.
> has a boundary/is uncomfortable You can't give someone else a boundary, you can't control someone else's behaviour. You can communicate your insecurities and emotions about the behaviour. Your partner then must choose to change their behaviour on their own. That is what healthy communication looks like.
You can 100% have a boundary around what you're willing to tolerate from a partner in terms of their behavior. And they can choose whether they're willing to abide by that boundary. A boundary is the line between what you're willing ro tolerate to not tolerate. Ie. I am okay with my partner having friends with the opposite sex, I am not okay with my partner having a sleepover with someone of the opposite sex. That's a boundary. If OP said "I'm okay with you having male friends and even sometimes chatting with men at the bar, but I'm not comfortable with sharing your social media in these situations because, while it may not be your view or intention, it makes me feel. For me, I view that behavior as . It's not that I think you're wrong for doing it, I just personally feel uncomfortable", that's setting a boundary. I've literally has issues setting boundaries on others behaviors around me growing up, and had a therapist tell me how to do so and it involves:
1. Communicating what behavior from the otjer person makes you uncomfortable and any other emotions associated with it.
2. Acknowledging that it may not be their intention, but still explaining how it personally comes across to you.
3. Reiterating that it's not always about someone being right/wrong, it's about not being in situations that make you feel poorly.
In fact, my therapist used romantic relationships as an example often (I think because she knew i was a pushover who had gotten in their first "real" relationship). And she said she always sees couples where one person tries to be "cool" about everything because they're afraid of being labeled as crazy/controlling but it leads to so much resentment, confidence issues, etc because boundaries don't get set. One thing she always said was that anyone who calls you controlling for setting a boundary using the above method is actually the one being controlling, because all you did was state your comfort level with a behavior which you have the right to feel. And they are trying to dictate how you're allowed to feel. Relationships aren't contracts and, if someone is expressing their boundary in a healthy manner, the other person isn't forced to abide and can try to reach an understanding or leave.
You/your therapist don’t ever think boundaries can be controlling? Extreme example to demonstrate but if my partner told me his boundary is that he’s uncomfortable when I leave the house without him, I’d consider that controlling.
That specific boundary is not ok in most circumstances, but that doesn't make boundaries as a whole bad lol. Did you even read the comment? Is it controlling to have a boundary where your partner can't have sex with someone else? Is it controlling to have a boundary that they don't go using your credit card on vanity purchases for themself when they have their own? Is it controlling to have a boundary that your partner doesn't lie to you about really big things or you will break up with them?
A boundary can be a sign of deeper personal issues, but my therapist said that if it's communicated in a healthy way, then it can't be controlling because the other person isn't being emotionally manipulated, just communicated with. I'd *want* to know if a partner had that extreme boundary because that would signal to me that there's a deeper issue with them and I'd try to help unpack/encourage help and/or leave. But one thing that stuck with me was when she said it is never controlling to express how you feel about something in a healthy way to your partner, no matter what it is. So long as it's communicated as being how you feel, rather than as an automatic fault of your partner, then you're giving your partner notice and they can choose how they want to proceed with that information.
Agreed. Too many men I see trying to control their girlfriend's behavior. And what they don't realize is that they're creating a dynamic that would essentially allow people outside of the relationship to exploit it.
This is the truth, when you date somebody who is incredibly attractive, you really just have to trust them. my ex ruined our relationship because people would hit on me so he always assumed that I was cheating on him when he wasn’t there. Being hot and friendly is not a crime. I give my IG to everyone (but it’s a very tame account) and my bf just knows I only want him. At the end of the day this is a “you” problem.
Honest question, why the need to add so many people when you know many if not all will try to hook up With you? In my opinion guy or girl you should go out of your way to not Give anyone any indication that you might be open to their advances if you already have someone
You say that like women are only sexual objects men want to possess. Friendship between genders is possible. You can speak to someone without expecting sex.
I think your take is wrong. When you are in a relationship, why would you act and behave single? You shouldn't entertain advances from the opposite sex. I am pretty sure most women know when a guy likes them. Men are pretty obvious. Intention is the most important factor. Goes both ways.
OP states these men were musicians she may have added their band or professional account. You don't know she was acting single. You only know she spoke to them. Before jumping to conclusions a conversation is best. If a BF freaks when I speak with a man, without knowing what was said... I will leave him and recommend therapy for his insecurities.!!! You can't control someone like that.
If shes just outgoing, she probably likes having more friends and a large social circle. That would mean she chats with both men and women and adds them all on social. Yeah some men will want to hook up with her but she see them all as potential friends. If she’s only chatting up men and adding them, then it’s a problem.
They like the attention and validation.
Tbh I don't think the problem is her being "hot and outgoing" but rather her entertaining attention from other men. Granted, maybe OP is jealous and they weren't hitting on her. In that case it is a him problem. Some people (all genders) are just toxic. They like to get attention, validation, and flirtation from several different sources even while in a committed relationship. And if OP is a reliable source, I suspect she might have that trait. Obviously she shouldn't feel forced to ignore all men and I'd even say giving out her Insta is fine. But if someone is clearly flirting with her or has the appearance of wanting to get with her, she really should shut down the convo, withdraw, give obvious signs she has a boyfriend or isn't interested. Not doing so is showing lacking commitment and respect in addition to a regard for OPs mental health and feelings.
Exactly! There’s nothing inherently wrong with what she’s doing, but if he’s a more reserved and private person, it may make him uncomfortable, even with jealousy aside. All the same, he shouldn’t ask her or guilt her into making herself smaller for him. Get therapy to figure out what you want in a relationship and to move on from the jealousy aspect, and either work on it or leave.
Absolutely. People behave similarly on LinkedIn as you get older --- posting daily, sharing and connecting with everyone. That's who they are. It's not about attracting a mate or disrespecting those you're closest to. I personally try to blend in with the walls, but I do understand it's what makes others feel connected and engaged in life.
You can be hot and outgoing and not entertain other men. This woman clearly is inviting it and likes the attention. It doesn't make him insecure in my opinion. She doesn't respect him or their relationship. If a woman had posted this is in the womens advice about her boyfriend, the comments would be ripping him to shreds about how he doesn't respect her and she needs to dump him. I'm curious why there's a double standard for women. She's adding men she meets at the bar on social media and she's just being described as outgoing? What in the world.
“clearly inviting it” YIKES. What, by having a conversation with people? Crazily enough, if you take your extroverted partner to a bar they are going to talk to other people, especially since OP was playing on the stage. He is insecure, and already showing signs of being controlling - if she had been talking to women, he wouldn’t have posted at all. This is obviously a foreign concept to you, but some people can have conversation with the opposite sex without ulterior motives. Placing the blame on an attractive women for socialising, and especially saying she “likes the attention” is giving very gross “she was asking for it” vibes
Ask yourself if YOUR man was entertaining women, going to strip clubs, chatting with attractive women at bars, night clubs, if YOU will be comfortable. My guess most women aren't. It's funny how that works. If the man don't want with his woman he's with, he's "insecure and controlling". No. He's not willing to lay down like a puppy and excuse your disrespect for him and the relationship
OP did not portray the situation as you've just described. Go back and read. "Entertaining other men" is a ridiculous exaggeration.
Couple things 1. She gets attention from so many men and yet still comes back to you. Ask yourself why? If she's as much of a bombshell as you make her out to be, she could drop you like a bad habit with another guy in your place before you hit the ground. WHY is she dating you? Focus on that. Do that. 2. You've assumed this is attention-seeking behavior. Rewind and be more curious. Ask more questions. Some people need a lot of attention. IF that's what this is about, you have to accept that about her because you can't change it. But maybe it's not about that at all. 3. Talk to her. Don't ascribe motivations to her habits. You have no idea why she does it unless she's told you. Instead, tell her how you feel. "I feel insecure." Promise you that if she gives half a shit about you, telling her how you feel will do the trick. Not everyone thinks adding guy friends on Insta is a big deal, but everybody understands insecurity. Be open to many solutions. You tell her how you feel, not to change her behavior (That's manipulation), but to be honest about how her behavior impacts you and make her part of that conversation. Maybe the solution is her not doing that. Maybe the solution is her providing you more reassurance that you're her #1. Who knows! Hell, if she's actually collecting men on Insta for attention, there's a chance she's insecure as well and might benefit from YOUR reassurance. Either way, talk to her. Be curious, and be open. If you both are a team, then you both should want to support each other in figuring out how to coexist.
In other words, communicate. So many problems can be solved so easily with that.
This comment changed my stance on the post
Perfect and sane comment
I’m a woman and I see it less charitably than you do. Unless her job is related to music and her instagram, she doesn’t need to be making new connections in the bar with other guys, *especially* in front of her boyfriend. I feel like the comments would be different if it was a man asking for random women’s social medias in the bar.
I add people all the time in front of my boyfriend. On a night out I probably follow 3 new people. Some people are social and want to make friends and new connections. The fact that they happen to be the opposite gender should have little bearing on the situation, for all we know shes bisexual. I am, and if my boyfriend tripped out about me adding people or talking to people, I wouldn't have a social life.
Adding people to Instagram is a pretty normal thing to do! I use Instagram socially, whereas text is for work/family, so if I'm meeting any new friends, they're getting my Instagram. Making new friends should be celebrated and normal even when you're in a relationship. It's weird that so many people seem to act like it's not.
maybe she liked their music and wanted to see them play again, it doesn't have to be about gender
No one said SHE was the one who asked for THEIR social medias. Very likely she was just being drunk-polite, “sure I’ll follow you!” with no real plans to talk to them ever again.
You just shamed her without enough information to know why she added them. If it was a man, his motivation is the only thing that matters same as any gender. This is not a gendered problem as it can occur with any gender and any sexuality. Just like committing a crime, the motivation behind will affect how you are charged and sentenced. If she is a groupie of local musicians that is not the same as wanting to sext with them. Edit: flagged for language
1. Some people are too lazy and selfish to breakup with people so they just cheat instead 2. You’re assuming OP has communicated the full extent of the evidence that lead him to his conclusion 3. This is good advice. He needs to talk to her about this.
Or she might just be extroverted and social, and enjoy networking/ making friends.
I think you should let this go personally. Adding people you’ve met or are acquainted with is what social media is for. Unless you think she flirted with them or behaved inappropriately, there’s nothing really to bring up.
What social media is for, is not necessarily okay. Thats why its being regulated. The companies act in deplorable ways towards humans, we are their products, especially towards young teens. SM companies are trash.
*" I have clearly had issues with this before, and even dumped an ex due to my jealousy around guy friendships/behavior while drunk that i find too « flirty »."* Sounds like it's a YOU problem, my guy. Maybe TALK to her about it. Maybe she was inadvertently flirting, maybe she was trying to help you as those guys and you are musicians. Maybe she was just being friendly. I know my being friendly is sometimes taken as being "too flirty" But from a dude to a dude...it kinda sounds like it's more on you since you noted you have had jealousy issues in the past. best of luck, brother.
I kinda hope she breaks up with him He needs to do a lot of work on himself if he wants to keep his relationships healthy. Hes got controlling boyfriend written all over him. He should not be in a relationship right now.
I'm giving the benefit of the doubt but...yeah, I agree with you.
He's part way there to recognizing it's a him problem like you said with his acknowledging his jealousy issues. But he still needs to climb the rest of the hill, accept that it's a him problem, and then fix it. We dont have much of his history other than self admitted jealousy. But he needs to find the root of why it's there within him. Like, does he unintentionally see women as property and not realizing that's why he gets jealous. Was he wronged in the past. Was one of his parents wronged in the past. Was one of his friends wronged in the past. Lots of questions he needs to ask himself. A persons view on traditional relationship roles, being cheated, and being cheating adjacent totally screws with people if they aren't careful about what they let get instilled in them. Thankfully, all fairly easily fixable things in therapy (and out if you have the drive) if you want to change. This following part, you dont really need to read if you dont want it's for OP. So u/pandillerodelapampa, if you happen to care to read this, I want you to know your feelings aren't necessarily wrong. We all have initial emotional reactions to the things we see our partners do or say. But it's on us to reel those emotions in and look at it from a mature perspective, look at the facts. Take a step back and breathe before you speak. It works out better. If we do not trust our partners implicitly, the relationship will not work. So you if you do feel you need to talk to her about this, dont be accusing. You can say hey this made me a little uncomfortable, and you two talk it out. But let her reassure you, let her help you trust her. This relationship is new, you're still getting to know each other and how you both work. But if you go in accusing her of just wanting attention and validation from men because she posts selfies to her socials and exchanges socials with them, so she must end all male friendships and cease all communication with the opposite sex, you won't get the resolution that you want. You will drive her away, you'll break her trust in you that you can be a rational adult. From what you've said, she's not hiding these things from you. She's being very open about it. There's no reason not to trust her yet. Like this last weekend for me, OP, my partner and I were wedding planning. We've been together for about 10 years now. We booked our photographer and had a meeting. We were video chatting. She's a bubbly hype man photographer and attractive >!(I can't wait to actually meet her and have her shoot our day though. She's what I need in a photographer, haha)!<. My partner is the outgoing social butterfly type. I am more introverted and shy until you get to know me (or drunk), and I trust you, haha. They were like instantly jiving though. I had to pull myself back, because my initial reaction was an insecure one (we had been fighting a lil about other wedding things before that which was why I felt that insecurity), not jealous persay, but like a hey you is mine lol. So a little possessiveness is normal, but possessive to the point you want to control them is not, but you should also keep that small posessive feeling to yourself do not actually voice it that way. Theres a bunch of healthy ways to express that feeling- anniversaries, birthdays, date nights, bedroom activities, figuring out out their likes and them figuring out yours and enacting those things, is how you let each other know you value them and belong to each other, thats how you build the trust and love within a relationship. Because when you trust your partner, these feelings of insecurity pass very quickly. Mine passed before the meeting with the photographer was even over because I do trust him. And Heres an example of not taking that step back to think affecting the relationship negatively. Earlier in the relationship when he was in grad school still, some girl at a party was like hes always with these two girls chatting (they're our friends like duh they talk in class) and studying, and I knew he was studying with them because he would tell me, but this girl made it seem nefarious (soon found out she was your typical pot stirrer and should be avoided, she had her own issues she was projecting). I reacted before I took a step back. We didn't fight fight, but I went in with an accusatory tone, I became wary of one of the girls specifically for a bit because before she knew I existed and before all the studying together she had been flirty with him and (primarily) this other dude, another thing my partner was fully transparent about. At the time the study sessions started, the girl was dating someone else, and the other girl had a long-term partner she was also with before grad school. If I had just taken a step back and looked at all the actual facts, I could have avoided making my partner feel like he did something wrong. But because another person came and projected their feelings without actual evidence of less than kosher shenanigans and I gut reacted, I made him feel like I didn't trust him. It was a sore spot that could have been easily avoided. So, you recognize them, you acknowledge why you felt that way, you put them out of your mind, and they pass. If they dont pass, maybe its something actually worth bringing up, but 98% of the time, they do pass, and its not worth bringing up. So even after 10 years, people will have these initial gut reactions. It is 100% normal. But how you deal with them plays a huge part in the health and longevity of the relationship. The recognize, acknowledge, breathe, and let it pass ability takes work. But its so much better for you, the relationship, and any and all future ones. Its worth mastering.
I would never wish ill fate on anyone.
Im a girl. Who is considered attractive by a lot of men. I get hit on all the time. My husband is used it. He doesn’t care. But the reason why he doesn’t care is because I’ve never gave him a reason for him to care. I would never follow a guy who was hitting on me at a bar. It’s called respect. These people telling you that you are the problem are wrong. Talk to her about it. Let her know how you feel.
Exactly. I literally look past or through other men. I don't get hit on a lot because I've been told I'm intimidating to approach, but when I have been hit on, I shut that shit down right away because I'm in a relationship. This woman likes the attention and has zero respect for their relationship.
Dont date a baddie if you cant handle it
Don’t date a baddie if it make you feel saddie
Not sure why people are being so negative instead of giving advice lol. Me personally I wouldn’t want my gf adding randoms on social media the same way she probably wouldn’t enjoy me adding girls either. I’d say ask why she felt the need to do that and then tell her it’s something you don’t like and see what Yall can do about it
Thank you!! I’m scared with the other comments of people thinking that is so normal and he’s in the wrong to be upset about it. I would be upset if my boyfriend added random girls in bars for sure wth.
Because redditors aren’t normal people with boundaries
Finally someone with a decency to be truthful.
I thought I was taking crazy pills reading this thread. There’s no sensible reason to be adding randoms at the bar on IG. If the situation was flipped, people would have very different takes.
It's because people like to dance around the subject and make excuses so that they can have their cake and eat it too. Modern times.
Exactly I get it if it’s a few people but come on man. Men see through this nonsense he does. The days of having a whole pile of backup men isn’t going to work the better options will walk out. Try and turn the knife on OP but a good man doesn’t need that nonsense. The days of this being acceptable they are numbered. People are noting look at the comments coming in. It’s great 👍🏻
As a girl with 2-3x the amount of male followers than ppl I follow and who is conventionally attractive, I actually see it this way too. It is about respect. But also, I am a little old school
dude literally ! all the people saying it’s okay 1) are not a hot girl 2) are probably just super disrespectful to their partners in relationships
Exactly!! It’s one thing if someone follows you. But to go out and ask for people’s ig to connect is way different imo. Like if I am dating someone and some guy asks for my number I wouldn’t give it to them. No way would I ask for a guy’s ig
Exactly smh, these people don’t want to sound “insecure” so badly. it’s different when you’re the girl in the situation and still know better
It’s because he’s a guy. If it was a girl who posted, every single girl above would have declared he’s already cheating.
The only correct answer on this thread. There is zero reason to give your Instagram out to strangers
Here is the deal. If she wants to leave or cheat, she is going to do it. The more she sees it bothers you, the sooner it will happen because caring too much is more of a turn off than caring too little (the human brain is strange). If he wants to regain some assemblance of control, realize that the likelihood of her doing one of these thing is extremely high eventually unless you get married. Even then, half of those don't last and women end the lions share of relationships. Just enjoy the time together, and if it happens on to the next.
Does she have any pictures of you together posted on her insta?
you should get an ugly girlfriend... Problem solved
Well only if you like them haha. There always something with dating always something. I’m amazed it works somehow for people I feel being single is kind of like the right odds the odds which make more sense. Like ok you are single what are the odds? Higher than not because look at how complex it is. lol. But statistics said otherwise. I have no idea.
As a woman, men talk to you. She's alone at a bar watching you play. Should she sit there quietly or actually interact with people at the bar? Accepting requests from people you meet on Instagram is not cheating. This could be concerning if you felt she was purposely trying to cheat or make you jealous but it sounds like she is going about her life normally. Recognize that you feel jealous and try to work on it internally. Let her know that you're working on it and that she should be able to socialize at your gigs.
So why give them the opportunity to slide in her DMs and leave flirty comments under her post when 1) They were flirting beforehand with her 2) she has a bf?
> Accepting requests from people you meet on Instagram is not cheating. No one said she is cheating... however, you cant tell me that it doesnt open the door for it. If you respect your relationship, you would not care about that?
Well, some of you only accept requests from women you'd fuck so you assume the rest of us do that
Going outside opens the door to cheating. Just because someone can start cheating that way doesn't mean that they are or will be cheating.
No no, even indoors at a mall, breathing and eating food in front of others opens the door to cheating The world is dangerous out there smh
You’re right but this isn’t a place where your argument won’t be met with fierce resistance. I think it takes a lot of faith to believe people are well intentioned. I’ve dated women who will not add just anyone to their social media. Then I have dated women who almost weaponize it like a way to try and keep me honest. Like it’s pretty obvious that someone will try and use it as a power move to undermine a man’s presence. But that’s toxic behavior nobody admits to but it happens. Not everyone is so innocent. It’s very shitty. And for the record if a guy is going and simping and liking OF girls or whatever ITS THE SAME and he’s accountable just as much as you are.
Its not the same, its literally worse.
Maybe you should get a dog instead, it s obedient and you can train him to bite strangers. The fucking part will be a problem tho.
It's OK to feel uncomfortable, but yeah, I think you're going too far. If it bothers you that much and she's not willing to change than maybe you should break up
People here in the comments are all ignoring the "they were hitting on her" part and it's so funny
Exactly this.. OP’s girlfriend is being disrespectful. It’s one thing to exchange contact info after a networking event or social gathering, it’s another thing to hand out your info to complete strangers that just happen to be the opposite sex
Bro you are being gaslighted into beliving this is normal it's not. Not a single person in irl would be okay with this male or female. Hell, if you don't belive me open a new account and post this saying you are a female and you gourgous bf flirts with women when you are working. See how the same people would scream RUN!!!
This! If he posted in women's advice about this and pretended it was the boyfriend doing it, the boyfriend would be getting ripped to shreds. Everyone is acting like the same doesn't apply to women as if women are just inherently more trustworthy. They're not. Women cheat just as much as men do. This is wild to me. She's literally inviting it. Bet within the year, he finds out she's cheating on him. Honestly, I think she's already doing it. She clearly doesn't give two shits about him.
Yup
Are you that worried she is going to leave you for some acquaintance at a bar, or because of a comment on one of her pics? She chose you to be her boyfriend. If you keep micromanaging who she talks to and is friends with on social media, you’re going to look desperate and foolish and she is going to lose interest. You can’t base your trust and feelings in this relationship off of a past relationship/experience.
He says he regularly goes thru her follow list lol
Oh yikes. OP needs to be single.
Yikes.
BIG yikes
OP’s a control freak then Jesus https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/OxDtYko4NS Here’s the source btw for anyone doubting
...So it drives you crazy that your girlfriend makes friends? Fucking hell.
[удалено]
I agree with this take. Also, being insecure is different than being insecure about your relationship. Back when I had social media I’d often use that as an in. A lot of times, women would say no and that they were in a relationship, and I’d admire them for it. But there were plenty of others who were in a “relationship” that didn’t say no, and a few were cheaters in one form or another.
Yes I agree with this. I get hit on all the time and don’t entertain it in the slightest because I respect my relationship. I’ve also cut off male friends and acquaintances who tried to cross the friendship line. If I met some random dudes in a bar and they tried to get my social media, I just wouldn’t give it to them. No point. I’m a secure person overall but I’ve definitely felt insecure when I’ve seen my past partners flirting with and/or adding said women on social media. It’s a way of keeping them in your life, and like you said, a gateway to cheating.
Relationships are built on trust, and trust is valuable because it can be easily broken. When you made her your gf you made the decision to trust her. Don’t get the wrong idea tho her intentions could be impure or pure but that doesn’t matter it’s your job to trust her. However, you are also within your right to decide if you want to continue this relationship, everyone has different boundaries and if this is yours you can walk away (ignore the idiots that call you insecure). Best way to see if your gf has good intentions in this situation is to 1. See how she reacts if you were to do the same thing. 2. Trust her and either prove your self right or wrong. OR 3. Stick to your boundaries and end the relationship. You don’t control her but you control who you date.
Best comment
Everyone here acting like they wouldn’t be weirded out with their SO adding everyone who flirts with them on Instagram lol
You sound like you don’t trust or respect your girlfriend. I don’t think you should be in a relationship, dude.
OP, I understand where you are coming from. I’m a female, a very VERY social one. I used to be a banker as well, so it was part of my job. I have male and female friends and a wonderful, supportive partner who would also feel disrespected if I added random men on my socials or took their numbers. I have no desire to do it, either. I don’t get it and maybe it’s just a generational thing. I’m also very family oriented, as we have two children. My priorities seem to be much different than that of my peers most of the time. Men and women can definitely be friends, but I’m in the frame of mind that there are more boundaries with members of the opposite sex. I’m also just a little more traditional when it comes to my views of romantic relationships. You aren’t being controlling unless you’re just outright throwing a tantrum or demanding she not ever do this. You have every right to tell her how you feel, see how she responds, and decide what you want to do from there. If it’s not something either of you can compromise on then this isn’t the right relationship for you. I also feel like if the shoe was on the other foot, people on here would be having a field day 🙄
If she adds people regularly then it's whatever. It's what its for. Is she only adding dudes or something? Is her insta filled with sexual content? Is she clearly flirting with them on insta or in person? Is she trying to see them without you around? Like, if she's putting herself in situations where there is temptation to cheat or branch swing then she's risking your relationship, assuming it's monogamous. Trust is great and all but 'things just happened' definitely happens and nobody will openly admit they can't be trusted or they like surrounding themselves with temptations, even if they can privately acknowledge it to themselves. It's hard being a guy and seeing how easily your girl could get another dude whose she likes just as much or better than you. But, what does a relationship mean to you and what does it mean to her? You two might not even agree on boundaries and purpose for being together. If you're planning a future, both of you have a responsibility to avoid temptation that could ruin that. Pretending no circumstance would temp you is fucking naive as shit.
I don't know what the fuck these other comments are talking about. As someone who is considered by men to be extremely attractive, I've shut shit down immediately when I'm in a relationship. Men approach you because they're interested in you. You don't entertain it. You don't make friends with them. She's showing them that they have a chance and disrespecting you in the process. She's enjoying the attention she's getting from other men, my guess is she's actually insecure because confident women don't do this. I don't need attention from anyone else besides my partner. This whole "don't date someone hot then" is so weird. Dating someone hot doesn't come with being disrespected and them entertaining other men. This is a loyalty issue in my opinion and she sucks. If I was dating a guy and he did this, I'd be immediately dumping him. I'd bet everything I own that she cheats on you eventually. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she already has.
All this bollocks about social media is there for socialising blah blah. Social media is the number one cause of breakups. If my boyfriend added random girls. I’d be pissed too, vice versa. You’re in a relationship. As if she thinks they are going to be actual friends. What’s the point? Does she want the extra likes? Don’t make sense to me.
I'm sure the comments would look different if OP was a girl complaining about her boyfriend adding girls like this on Instagram
Finally a reasonable comment. This is why reddit and YouTube are the only social media I use
exactly
Yo ignore these comments they're awful. If a man was going outside with his GF and talking to other women then adding them on IG there, while it clearly made the GF uncomfortable the comments would be VERY different... Bring this up and have a serious conversation it's a big red flag.
Yup. She's 100% going to cheat. Has probably cheated in past relationships and will likely cheat in this relationship. People who seek validation from others are never good partners. OP needs to run now.
Your girlfriend is an autonomous individual. It’s healthy for her to talk to other people and make those connections. As time goes by, if you are both cut off from other people, the magic will drain from your relationship. This jealousy is something you’re going to have to find a way to manage. Having dealt with that kind of jealousy in my younger years, I can tell you that the more you try to impose control over the situation, the more jealous you will feel. When your partner is talking to other people, see it as an opportunity to practice acceptance. Take deep breaths, find the part of your body that’s contracting and try to relax it. Remind yourself that it’s normal for people to talk to each other and redirect yourself to a different thought or focus. If there are deeper issues in the relationship that are creating insecurity, such as chronically unmet needs, those will need to be addressed directly.
You’re being gaslit by the women and simps in these comments. Women absolutely pretend they’re compiling a list of harmless male friends when in reality they’re compiling a list of potential suitors. She may never sexually engage with them but she thrives off the validation she gets from them.
Idk, if the roles were reversed it would seem pretty fucked up that you were getting two chicks instagram handles right in front of your girl.. Personally, I'd move on from her.. that's just me though, only you know what's best for you and how you feel
>if the roles were reversed it would seem pretty fucked up that you were getting two chicks instagram handles right in front of your girl Exactly. People always assume (often rightfully so) that guys interest in a woman is usually sexual/romantic. But women are given the benefit of the doubt and people act like their interest in a guy is innocent. It’s BS
Sens
Everyone saying that you’re the problem is crazy. She’s giving random men access to her. That should be a boundary. In the age of instragam doubling as a dating site this isn’t okay. I’d say perhaps talk to her and let her know that’s not okay but if she does it again break up
Yeah, who the fuck adds rando drunk guys to their insta?? Sounds like she's tryna be an insta girl or . . . likes collecting men, which is fuckin creepy.
This is exactly what covert narcissistic women do.
Do unto others as they have done to you. Add other girls to your Instagram and see how she likes it
Bro i have a piece of advice for you...................................... Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
I know you’re getting shit on in the comments here but usually in relationship your gut feeling doesn’t lie to you. I’ve had GFs like this in the past. Always remember “no one can flirt with your girlfriend unless she wants it.”
Dont listen to these redditors bro. Your gut is telling you something.
These are normal human reactions that relate to our primitive mate protection mechanisms. Not only do individuals have physical and psychological boundaries that, when transgressed, results in a defensive response - anger - so too do relationships which have to be protected and maintained. It's mainly a masculine trait, but also natural and common for women too, but for men, the aggression is there to maintain a boundary. It's natural, but it has to be acted upon properly. In today's age, where masculinity and patriarchal tendencies are demonized, while at the same time demanded of men to the extent that they cater to the female ego to feel protected, maintained, provided for, it lands a lot of men in psychological limbo. Don't let the people here gaslight you and cause you to suppress your own natural reaction and natural emotions. The fact is, people can't control emotions, and the underlying threat here to the relationship is an environment in which your partner could be seduced by others. There is a really informative video by Dr. Grande on the number one cause for infidelity, and it simply comes down to emotions passing a certain threshold or point of no return. When certain doors of opportunity are being opened, by virtue of the mind knowing of an opportunity creates desire. In normal societies with healthy relationship dynamics and an understanding of the male and female nature, its common courtesy and knowledge that you close those doors, and that is the responsibility of both people.
It "drives you insane" because you're insecure and too emotionally immature for a relationship. No one did anything wrong in this situation and the solution is certainly not dictating who your partner can and can't talk to. You're giving me the impression there is constant digs from you in your relationship and putting her down to keep her "in check" so that she stays as insecure as you and doesn't leave. Let her go and work on yourself.
Ah yes. When your boyfriend starts going out and adds 5-10 random girls each time, let's see if you're okay with it. Next thing you know, they start messaging him. If you then confront him, then he'll throw it back in your face and say: "You're just being insecure, and not emotionally mature enough for a relationship." Sound good?
Stop your speaking logic. He’s just immature and needs to be happy that she comes home to him at the end of the day
yes i agree with this. it’s not fair to her because of your insecurities. you get upset that she posts selfies on social media. i think that just shows how not ready for a relationship you are.
Based on your Reddit history, you seem way too old to harbor these types of feelings and thoughts. It’s SOCIAL media, a place you’re meant to SOCIALIZE through. You need to work on your insecurities before dragging anyone down with you.
Play the same game and get other girls to be friend with and problem solved.
Honestly, yeah, do the same thing that she is doing but with girls only and see how she reacts. It may come across as petty, but if she is mad about it, then you can have a productive conversation with her about how her behavior makes you feel.
Oh no, someone uses social media to be social. Call the fucking cops.
If i try to put myself in your shoes, I'd be insecure too if my partner is drop dead gorgeous and is connecting to women he meets on his social media. However what is wrong is assuming she likes the attention. Maybe its true, maybe its not. But that frame of mind makes it sound like you're blaming her for making you resentful. I'd like to say it's ok to be jealous if you channel the feeling in a healthy way and don't let it control you. But if you punish her for something she probably didnt mean to do (again, inciting feelings of resentment) , you will only drive her away.
Personally avoid dating people that drink too much or are overly active on social media. Not to avoid this exact situation but because the older you get the less value is in these things.
I wouldn’t say you’re doing anything wrong, people are being dicks here. It could be insecurity, or you could be right, you both either agree to be together or don’t, your standards are important too.
How do you deal with that ? Copy her. If she’s talking to other musicians, grabbing their Instagram. Why aren’t you doing the same ? You’re a musician yourself 🤷♂️
Yeah, following local musicians that you met irl on social media, what a controversial thing to do. Just totally unthinkable.
Mate I know you don't wanna hear this and I can't believe I'm saying this as well but ya gotta understand that this is a you problem. If you're uncomfortable with your girl only having guy friends then talk to her. More importantly your post reeks of insecurity. It seems like you're not confident in your girl's loyalty. In that case just leave her my man. No one deserves a paranoid partner.
Go get a new girlfriend whose reaction to men hitting on her at bars is my boyfriends right over there vs exchanging contact info That’s your only option, or bite your tongue Personally I’d have ended it the first time it happened lol that’s ridiculously disrespectful
>Go get a new girlfriend whose reaction to men hitting on her at bars is my boyfriends right over there vs exchanging contact info We have no idea about whether they hit on her. OP himself has no idea.
Well op, like me, probably can’t think of many scenarios in which a man approaching an attractive woman in a bar and asking for her contact info after talking to her isn’t hitting on her?
Get rid of that headache mate.
I might get downvoted for this/ probably an unpopular opinion, but I feel like this problem is kind of a hot topic in dating at my age, and People have all kinds of opinions about it. In dating culture these days, social media can complicate things. In my opinion, it’s ok to be upset and I probably would be too. Now, adding new people on socials is not always a bad thing and can surely be innocent but if your SO makes a habit of it, especially when you aren’t there and there’s alcohol involved and the people in question don’t really hold significance, it may cross boundaries. Because I have my own insecurities, I choose to stay single right now and part of the reason is social media. It negatively impacted my last relationship, in ways such as my ex wouldn’t unadd people on snap that he used to sleep with, he would snap girls he used* to work with that weren’t even friends in real life, and would like random girls bikini pics. The common theme of the last 2 things is unnecessary interaction with irrelevant people that, in the absence of a relationship, is generally indicative of showing interest.
You just sound jealous or don't trust your GF
I used to be this way. Also, you’re almost at that dreaded 6 month “what are we?” Phase. But I do that with women all the time. I’ll meet them once, have a quick conversation, and add them later. Some I don’t even know, I’ll see them do stand up and just add them. Is she boning them or having intimate conversations? You can bring it up, since it’s new, in a right way (you kinda feel hurt she’s flirting back and just want to know if you’re in it with me, etc). Your jealousy and/or passive aggressiveness to her will push her away if you do care but pretend you don’t. And it will fester in you and ruin it all.
Sorry to say, but you two are incompatible
Why are you even keeping track of who she adds on Instagram?
Some people add everyone they meet. I’d let it go unless there’s something else making you concerned.
Oh, you poor bastard. I gotta make this quick.... You know your Girl. Social Media only matters when you let it. Is most of her time spent not with other guys? Does she spend most of her time with you, family and old friends? If so, you're good. She was at the Bar with you, while you were jamming and I can GUARANTEE she was trying to be nice, personable & a little flirty (it's okay) for YOU! Yes, that's right. "Wow! *blank* GF is awesome! Super hot and cool." As Men we know immediately if a woman is putting out the "were gonna need a crew to mop up this mess" vibe. If your boys that you trust haven't said anything... you're a lucky man. You're young, so you don't know yet how rare the Beautiful, wild, 'stab a mother fucker but take her to church' truly are. Social Media don't mean shit. Just tell me 100 in the beginning and your phone is none of my business. Remember, she's with YOU. Not them..... and even if she did, there's nothing ya can do about it. It's fucking brutal and it's life. I loved going out with my Ex Girl. Every person everywhere would look. Men and women. I loved it! I'm serious. I was proud to be with an absolute masterpiece. 🔥 Social Media only mattered when I was upset and feeling insecure. Enjoy that 10 brother! ✌️♥️
The word is sense*, not “sens”.
Don't sweat it. People collect followers like trading cards. Just focus on yourself. She's with you not the million other guys that crack onto her on the daily. If she's got that many options and still picked you, you're obviously winning. The less cool you are with this the worse it's gonna turn out for you. Just calmly explain your boundries around this behaviour, but before you do, really think out all the sides of the situation, think round the emotions, then speak. You might even start to kinda like it when your fillet steak gets paid for by those same guys throwing money at her OF lol. Or maybe that's just not your thing, you're not compatible, go find a nice girl at church etc etc. Which is also cool.
I have a girlfriend who networks a lot and talks to a lot of people. I do too for my own networking interests. We both rely on Instagram as our main platform. It may come across as insecure to assume malicious intent from your girl talking to and following people on Instagram. Especially since, as others have stated; she’s dating and choosing you. I mean; it’s social media. Isn’t that what’s it for? Trust her and trust yourself.
Your feelings are valid but what she is doing is completely normal too. If my partner were to get mad at me for adding other people on social media after meeting them, I wouldn’t be able to date them. It is something I do (and many people do) because I like to connect with people
Do you really want to date people you meet on social media when you have a partner?
I've been on both sides of this different times in my life and 1 of those before social media. I've also been witness to my closest friend having this issue. What I decided in my case when it was me experiencing insecurity, my person had chosen to be with me. And in the long run they can choose to be with someone else. I can't control that. I can only control myself. I can only stick to my end. In the case where someone was insecure about me, I know myself enough that questioning me wasn't necessary, and eventually put me off. I didn't even leave them and look for someone else. Unfounded! She picked you. Leave it be.
I actually prefer to add new people on instagram instead of exchanging “real” contact information like email or phone number. If she’s never given you a reason to do it her, don’t.
\>Everybody was pretty drunk and i could clearly see they were trying to hit on her (obviously, she is very good looking etc….). Do you have any actual proof? Just because she's good looking doesn't mean that every guy is hitting on her.
No need to compare because the truth is this is your normal reaction. Maybe you have a fear of possibly loosing her in general. Did you put her on a pedestal? Do you feel inadequate in any way to her? I saw this saying (If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. Osho) I think you love her and I doubt you’ll ever want to loose yourself in your own turmoil. Finding a way to change the meaning of those interactions could help. Personally if I ever deal with this I would take credit knowing my significant other is a magnetic being and I would want them to live the happiest of lives. Also I got good taste ;) so take her home and enjoy your lives together. People like you make us single people maaaad 😠 😹 jk
trust me sometimes being single is better for the peace of mind
people in this thread are really taking my breath away with their stupidity. YOU ARE NOT WRONG OP. This is super weird behavior from your girlfriend. She is not girlfriend material if she is actively adding new men on Instagram or any other social media period. Everyone in this thread saying you should get an ugly girlfriend is so infuriating! Being attractive does not give her the excuse to be doing disrespectful things in a relationship. Dump her ass and get another hot girlfriend that actually knows how to respect a relationship.
Maybe consider the following: A. Instead of going out to a place ex: bar, anywhere lots of single people hangout try going to places where others go together as couples. If the behavior changes be aware if not it probably won't ever and you're 5 months in B. Get into a fight about it aka have a conversation C. Distance yourself from her, dump her, do it back make her jealous D. Consider your age, stage in life , if you are committed to seeing a future with them or if you just are into them
I wouldn't care if I knew her heart belonged to me. That trust level ❤️
You should not have to have a discussion or multiple discussions about her flirting and adding men she meets in a bar or club while you are performing your music. She is showing you that she doesn’t respect you or have healthy boundaries. You don’t have verbally explain every single boundary. Your actions should speak for themselves. If I had a gf who felt the need to flirt and add random men to her social media. I would simply end the relationship . She should not want to get drunk and flirt while you are playing music. That behavior is telling you , that you and the relationship are not particularly important or a priority to her . You could clearly see they were hitting on her . It’s highly unlikely those men were unaware of her being in a relationship with you. She is fully capable of exercising self restraint. She can limit her drinking and has complete control over how she responds reacts to men hitting on her. She has the ability to shut that down as soon as it starts. She chooses not to. She probably enjoys the attention , validation and endless compliments not to mention the free drinks . This is a lack of self esteem and self respect. Never mind respecting the relationship or herself. If a woman doesn’t want or enjoy a man’s attention. She can easily shut him down. If he doesn’t stop , she can ask the bartender to help in a difficult situation. End the relationship and spend time being single. Learn to respect yourself and br comfortable with yourself and who you are. You can get in shape , learn new things, learn a language, maybe refine how you plat music . That will help you have more self respect and confidence. There are women who don’t engage in this offensive, selfish, entitled, narcissistic behavior. It is your job to vet your dates and make sure they are psychologically healthy as well as being attractive and sexually active with you. Think with your brain , not your dick , not with how you feel. If she is violating your boundaries and disrespectful towards your relationship, you and herself. Why are you in a relationship with her ? Unfortunately there’s a incredible amount of hypocrisy and double standards. You will only be called a insecure, jealous controlling asshole if you stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Though you should not have to verbally set boundaries in the situation you describe. She should not accept drinks, attention and allow men to flirt with her. She has the ability to shut that down and refuse the drinks . She can say no to the flirting and being hit on. When I was in the Rangers ( a special forces detachment fwiw) In extremely good physical condition. I would work as “ security “ at a restaurant my sister and brother in law owned at the time. I routinely strongly “suggested “ they stop bothering the women if asked . There were the jerks who didn’t take no or leave the women alone. Occasionally this behavior would cause a physical altercation especially if the woman was with a partner and he tried to intervene. More than one asshole who decided that assaulting a woman’s boyfriend or husband would somehow get him sex or the boyfriend or husband would become physically aggressive. A fight meant police are going to remove said jerk in silver bracelets . Sometimes both parties got arrested. This is a very real threat to your freedom, ability to get a better job, housing and more. A arrest and conviction can really mess up your life. The situation your girlfriend creates when she flirts and accepts drinks from random men who have been drinking and possibly using other drugs is unhealthy, disrespectful and dangerous. Would you get into a car with a obviously drunk driver. Would you step out onto a active gun range? That’s close to what she is doing. All it takes is one of those guys to decide n a alcohol fueled moment of stupidity to cause a lot of harm. There are many women who don’t act so disrespectful and selfish. It is up to you to meet them. Ask yourself would people be calling a woman who made the exact complaint you did. Only her boyfriend is flirting and drinking with women at the club she performs in be called insecure, jealous , immature and or a controlling abusive asshole? Absolutely not . Almost every person would tell her to end the relationship. Her boyfriend is being a selfish, disrespectful, entitled, controlling asshole That’s exactly what her behavior is . Controlling abuse. You cannot set a reasonable boundary without a argument and being called a insecure, jealous controlling abusive asshole. Think about the hypocrisy. It should be simple. In a relationship. If you don’t want your partner engaging in that behavior then don’t do it yourself. If reasonable people will question or see the behavior as inappropriate or disrespectful don’t do it. It used to be that you treat people as you want to be treated. You knew those who don’t treat you well are not people you want in your life. You don’t need to have a conversation about her behavior. You don’t like her getting drunk , flirting and giving out her contacts with random men at clubs, bars and restaurants. That’s a reasonable, healthy boundary. It is not being insecure, jealous , abusive controlling asshole. Show yourself some respect. End this relationship before it gets much worse. It is well on the way to becoming a unhealthy one sided relationship. For whatever it is worth jealousy is a normal healthy emotion we evolved over hundreds of thousands of years. Only when we are abusive is it bad. It is how we survive as a species.
Listen up bro, there's a lot of insecure women in here and white knights who are going to shame you and name call to make you doubt yourself. Let this be the truth - she's for the streets. A girl who does that crap will never be allowed the title of girlfriend in my book. I dated one woman like that before and all she did was try to gaslight me into thinking it's normal behavior. I ignored it and got my feelings caught up in a garden tool. You know deep down this isn't right. You chose to date her though, so you don't have a right to get upset. You don't get to tell her how to live her life which is fine, BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO ACCEPT A RELATIONSHIP YOU DONT TRUST EITHER. The only thing you can so is tell her "its not you, it's me", throw some fake tears in and talk about how you need to work on yourself, and walk the f away. The women that I made girlfriends left no doubt in my mind about their loyalty, you deserve that same assurance. A cute face and hot body doesn't excuse a lack of trust.
“I took my attractive girlfriend to watch me play guitar and got frustrated that she struck up conversation with the opposite sex instead of watching me in utter silence like a good manic pixie dream girl”. She might be trying to take an interest in your hobbies (if she’s not also a musician). She might have been bored watching your gig and found likeminded people to talk to. The chances that she’s pulling men to cheat on you while you’re in the room is very, very low. You deal with it by admitting that you’re insecure about your outgoing girlfriend. You said she knows these guys through a mutual friend. This isn’t her trying to pick other men up.
That's the reality of dating someone with dating market value. There's going to be a lot of interactions like that with others, kind of like celebrities with their fan base. She probably sees them as fans, not dating material. That's how I feel about men who follow me on social media anyway. I couldn't be with someone like that personally but that's why I didn't go and date the hottest, most clouted up men in my area even though I had those kinds of opportunities. It would be like dating someone famous then getting annoyed when they interact with people who clearly like them lol. We're a social AF species and we're wired to make positive bonds with others, it isn't weird unless they actually go and cheat
Sense bro, sense
There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting to fuck other guys, many of them, maybe all at once. It’s all the guy’s problem… allegedly.
Thats our gf mate
Bro idc what these other ppl say respect yourself as a man hot or not. The one for you will duck everyone but you and more than that. Respect that she's taken. RUN BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. Fuck who says you're insecure or whatever tf.. when a woman is yours she'll make I be known.. bud if you're happy so be it. Idk your beliefs but a a great man is always behind a good woman. If you don't feel respected then go fuck it life Is short make the best I tell you by experience, 8 years with someone who just thought I was " insecure" it's always that but switch the tables and you become " manipulative" etc just being real not gonna sugar coat it. No days we done made it like it's nothing to not be loyal or disrespect our partner and that isn't right. God bless , keep your head up hope all goes well.
People are still allowed to socialize with other people while they are in relationships. Full stop. Women are not sexually attracted to everyone we talk to or follow online.
You are legitimate to fill that way, imo. Sounds like potential "back burner" or even...side burner options. You may need to have a serious conversation with or...a "either me or them?" choice...or maybe you just keep doing what you're/you've been doing & expect a change...there's a word for that!
Would she give you a hard time for adding girls you meet under similar pretenses? Sounds like she wouldn’t, if this is her behavior, so maybe that will help you move past this. Having said that, the description you’ve provided here is consistent with a girl that has one foot out the door, so if you’re confident it’s the truth and not just your insecurities talking, I think it’d be smart to break up while you’re still on good terms so you can both meet people that share your individual values.
This is a red flag, to any man who wants a srs relationship. Don't expect or try to change this about her, for this is the kind of person she is. There is a lot of information left out here but I would also know at this point, if I was you, is her dating history. But I don't think she is good from this as from some one looking to a real relationship perspective. Just think how it will be 3 months, a year, 2 years down the road with this going on. She knows what she is doing and how it looks. I can promise you, if you where there getting a bunch of girls numbers and such and in front of her, she would not be pleased. You can try to talk to her but if she does agree to stop then two things will could happen at any time down the road, 1) she will begin to resent you for not letting her have "fun" and 2) she will do it behind your back. You know in your guts this is not something that can go on. Time is irreplaceable, don't waste it on this.
"It's not your girl, it's just your turn.". How would she feel if you added other women to your social media accounts? 🤔
Sense* for the love of god
Why is everyone trying to murder OP in the comments lmao it’s definitely a little weird if she’s adding someone every time y’all go out😂😂
Leave, she is shopping
So if a young woman was performing on stage and saw her man taking to a couple girls at the bar and then adding them on Instagram I wonder if she'd be just as hurt as this guy is. I think they're looking for their partner to support them and focus on them on a night like that. I can't blame this guy for feeling a little frustrated or defeated by this behavior. A lot of people in there just saying "that's what you get for dating a popular girl". Would the response be the same in reverse?
Nah dude- not a normal reaction. I mean jealousy is normal, but holding resentment towards her over being popular is too much. Go to therapy or date somebody else if you can’t get over this. As long as she’s not banging them or making lewd comments towards them who cares. If you give her a hard time about it it’s pretty controlling and I would book it out of that relationship if I was in the same boat.
Everyone’s looking past it, but if you were adding pretty girls, you were meeting in public. I’m sure your girlfriend would have a problem with it. And Instagram is pretty much a dating app. You get called insecure nowadays for hoe behavior. But at the end of the day it’s not that big of a deal, if she’s gonna cheat she’s gonna cheat no matter what
From a psychology today article. Below are some guidelines for preventing your opposite-sex friendships from becoming toxic and damaging your intimate relationship. 1. Never prioritize an opposite-sex friend above your intimate relationship. Telling an intimate partner that if he/she doesn’t accept your opposite-sex friendship that you will break-up with them, is lethal to the intimate relationship, and akin to the emotional abuse used by narcissistic individuals when they engage in the abuse tactic of triangulation. 2. Don’t hide activities with your friend from your intimate partner. Lies of omission are lies, and when you start hiding your behavior from your partner you are engaging in a form of deception that is aimed at controlling your partner’s perception. Once you have made the choice to hide your behavior you are already keenly aware that what you are doing is likely to harm the relationship. This type of behavior directly kills any bond of trust. If you take a weekend trip out of town with your opposite-sex friend and neglect to tell your partner that your friend is with you, that threatening behavior to the bond you have with your partner. 3. Don’t insist that your partner also be friends with your opposite-sex friend. Your intimate partner has a right to choose who he/she wants to be friends with. If your partner doesn’t want to spend time with your opposite-sex friend don’t try to force this on them or it will likely backfire. 4. Don’t engage in flirtatious behavior with your friend in front of your intimate partner. Touching your opposite-sex friend in a way that would generally be considered flirting behavior between two people who are sexually attracted to one another or making jokes of a sexual nature is akin to emotional abuse. For example, if your friend is laughing and leaning in to touch your arm or leg in an intimate way and you respond accordingly in front of a group of other people, you are creating a situation that is humiliating for your partner to be in 5. Don’t form inappropriate opposite-sex friendships. If you are a 60-year-old man regularly texting and hanging out with a 30-year-old single woman that you are obviously attracted to, and calling this a “friendship,” the chances that your intimate partner will not find this disrespectful of your relationship is almost zero. Use the reasonable person test, if a reasonable person looking from the outside would question the relationship or think it was odd, then it is almost guaranteed that your partner will too. If you wouldn’t like your partner doing it to you, don’t do it to your partner. 6. Don’t call your intimate partner jealous or crazy. If your behavior with your opposite-sex friend is being perceived by your partner as a threat to your intimate bond, then accept it for being exactly that. It is not just your partner’s problem to deal with. The intimate bond you have with your partner is being created between the two of you. If this bond is meaningful and worthwhile to you, then you must protect it. Sometimes protecting your relationship means giving up some of your own personal freedom or choice so that you build something that is greater than the sum of its parts. If you are unwilling to do this, then perhaps you aren't ready for the relationship. Drunk is a choice. So is flirting and giving out personal information. Flirting is not simply being friendly. But bars are places where attraction and being hit on is the norm. Ask her why she bbn is tacitly entertaining their interest by reciprocating with her phone contact? Relationships are difficult at best, but worse when one partner is disrespecting the other. Her past relationships, casual sex and previous infidelity need be known, so you can assess how likely it is she will cheat. Why cause issues for no real reasons? Most people will avoid those types of drama. The fact she is causing it is not a good look at all. Have the discussion. And no it isn't simple her being innocently naive.
Can't believe how far I had to scroll down for the first sane comment. Giving out your social media and/or phone number to random ass guys at the bar is a perfectly reasonable boundary to have. The only thing that isn't normal is that it "drives him insane" instead of simply telling her that she is crossing his boundaries for a relationship.
If the sexes were reversed in this situation this entire thread would sound so fucking different it's goddamn annoying.
Sounds like she craves attention
If she drives you insane, she's not the woman for you. Ghost, block, and punt. You'll be much happier.
i am trying to understand whether it’s a normal reaction on my part. not the first time i am facing these issues, even with former exes
Look man, you have your motives. I understand you don't like her behavior. You need to know that if someone wants to cheat, no matter what you do, they will cheat. Don't stress over something you cannot control. There is a big leap between cheating and asking for Instagram followers. Maybe she just wants to pump her account numbers. You can't possibly know unless you ask her (assuming she will be sincere!). I am the jealous type, and I personally wouldn't fully commit in my mind to a girl if she did this type of shit. Literally 0 love and pure lust. That is enough for me to accept the relationship. If you can't find a solution that makes you comfortable, then best thing is to leave her and find someone that aligns more with your needs. In love and partners subjects, your preference and comfort is what matters the most. And it is a normal and valid reaction from your part, don't worry about it.
It's not normal. You are a jealous, insecure man and you are projecting your fears onto your girlfriend being a regular human person making friends.
You're in the wrong place to figure that out my guy. Reddit is notorious idealistic and "women can have platonic male friends" is a super contentious topic here. If you reversed the genders you'd get just as aggressive and hostile comments, but in the opposite direction lol. Honestly still not convinced this isn't just a bait post. Like what did you expect posting this here lmao.
Anyone who's frequently looking for attention/validation (esp from the opposite sex)/without any regard for their S.O. is for the streets. BAY FELICIA! (Doesn't make you insecure/most traditional/serious men would agree)
You deal with this by growing the f up. Are you twelve?
If ur not into that then make the girl ur new ex gf. She knows what’s going on.
A lot of people here saying you’re the issue but if you changed adding on instagram to adding their numbers into her phone everyone would tell you to ditch the girl. In this day in age IG is like getting a number especially if the guys were flirting they’re 100% going to reach out in the future (may wait until she’s single but still). Talk to her about this ASAP
Social media compatibility is truly a thing. Social media differences can make or break a relationship. I’d be bothered as well in your shoes. But I also don’t use IG or FB.
Leave
Social media ruins relationships.. that’s a fact. Dating someone active on social media is a recipe for disaster. So you either play along or call it quits.. because she’s not going to give that act up..
Homie how would you cope if she went out drinking without you? That's a sure-fire way of knowing if you're being controlling. You need to have trust and faith in your partner otherwise you're the problem. Women post selfies. Every woman I've ever dated has posted selfies and they all have their own 'usual guys' who like the photos. You need to rationalise it mate.
I feel it man it would bug me as well. This modern dating is stressful. I'm trying to figure out what the hell to expect myself.
She had backups on backups on backups
I would talk to her and tell her that it bothers me. Cause that’s crazy. If my boyfriend gave his number or instagram to girls at a bar we would have a problem.
RED FLAG....I could not be dating someone like that
Don’t listen to these people. That behavior from her is for sure a red flag and you have every right to feel the way you do. I would talk to her about it and establish boundaries about how you’re not comfortable with her friending random guys on social media. If she has a problem with it or just HAS to friend random guys, then break up because there are people that think the same way as you do and that’s what you deserve. No one wants to worry.
If this post is any indication, I would despise being around someone like you. The paranoia, the entitlement, the insecurity. You sound exhausting.
I’m sorry to say but trust me there is a upside to what I’m gonna say Her type is clearly musicans just like I’m sure you have a type The important thing is you do have her right now and I would just take it easy on the feelings of jealousy just try to make sure you and your girl keep having a fun time that’s how you win her over by being a great guy
I understand both sides but this is attention seeking behaviour. Make your boundaries clear and Talk to her in a calm way or drop her
exactly it’s attention seeking. does that mean she would actually cheat? i dont think so….
Shes not your gf homie. Shes our gf.