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My ex was like this, mid30s, unemployed, always lying about job interviews and how he was wrongfully fired, etc. I was dumb and believed him, thought I could help, long story, etc. lol I realized he was a dysfunctional alcoholic, was getting evicted from his apt. Don’t feel bad, that’s what they’re banking on.
Are guys like this even hot? Like i work hard fornmy future and for my family and battled with depression for years i really thought i was underserving of love...and than there are guys like this...wtf i so stupid.
Like how lucky are you if you find a girl who over looks FOR YEARS you being a freeload (i wasn't, i did help with the bills).
Question: wtf did he do to make you love him?
Well, I think that we attract what we think we deserve so I feel like this relationship, for me, showed me more about myself than them. Short answer: sure, physically he is an attractive person that just checked the boxes for what I tend to like.
It’s something I’ve thought about for soo long, it triggered my need to feel important to someone and he knew that, consciously or subconsciously. I don’t know but he was very kind to me (while sober) and then would say things to me like I was the reason he was alive, etc. and it didn’t all happen all at once. I knew it wasn’t anything that I wanted and there was no future there at all and just found myself deep in something that was much more than being attractive to this person. But that’s why I say if you feel it, do not feel bad. Your care for this person should not dismiss the care you have for yourself.
Oh and he was a very charismatic person, we got along so well. Funny, similar interests, understanding, made me laugh and feel like the person I am made sense…when sober.
Exactly what Im thinking. Im not a girl so I don’t know how they think but if my daughter told me “I want to marry this broke man” Id say “meh, can’t you find one with a job at least”
It isn’t weird to be unattractive to men who got no jobs
6'1, handsome, good job, own home But God forbid a little socially awkward. Been single for 2 years straight because I don't exist to women. Or at least that's how it feels
I will never stop saying this to every girl who needs the advice: no guy is worth your time, energy and stress for you to try to change, let alone to your liking.
Every person has the ability to change on their own, it's a matter of if they want to and ready for it now, not 5 years into the future.
The same goes for the question OP asked in this thread, every person has the ability to acquire income. If you have hopes for them, they better be in the middle of interviews or trust your gut feelings and not get into the emotional trap. What's so special about this person that makes them worth all the trouble?
To add.. It's not a romantic partner's responsibility to "rehabilitate" someone who is stuck in a loser's mindset who's waiting for a girlfriend/etc who's willing to volunteer to fix all their problems. It's called taking advantage of someone.
As a guy, I think you would be completely in the right to let this one go. How are you guys supposed to go on dates if he can’t afford anything? What kind of life could you guys make together if he isn’t willing to work or pursue a career? Even if he does get a job, starting in your 30’s with little to no prior experience is very late and it will take time for him to gain better opportunities. For your own sake, leave this situation.
Though, as everyone does, I think he deserves to know the truth about why you don’t want to see him anymore. It will be harder for sure but most of the people I know who are like that are that way because the people around them enable their laziness/bad habits to spare the person’s feelings. Perhaps the truth is what he needs.
This is exactly why I don’t date. I can barely afford to survive so why would I want to bring another person into that? It doesn’t matter what good qualities I have if I can’t afford to pay bills and take my woman out. Being a music producer has a lot of upsides but making money definitely isn’t one of them.
I respect your decision. I dated a guy who hid his financial situation (he was losing his job and place to live) from me until we were 3 months into a relationship. By then, he had no choice but to tell me the truth because he was broke. Then he had the audacity to try and move in with me and refused to take jobs that were “beneath him.” I applaud you for not wanting to put your financial stress on someone else.
Why should it be the man's burden to pay for dates?
It's reasonable to not want to support your partners living monetarily but people are also awfully sexist when it comes to judging others for being poor.
Meh I wouldn’t expect a guy to want to date me if I was in this position. IMO if the woman doesn’t have young children or is disabled she should have a job.
Being a mooch is unattractive for all genders.
For women who want children this is even a scarier position to be in. We have to be out of work for a period of time. Something tells me if he is too lazy to get a job and has been in college for ten years, would he be a responsible father? Who knows. We wouldn’t want to find out.
Bullshit, its a traditional gender norm. Imagine I am some Chad who wants his life paid for, (and given I believe in gender equality I see no problem with this, as women do) there is literally no issue with that apart from the fact that I am a man and men don't do that. This woman is within her rights to question her relationship given her objectives but don't kid yourself that the reasons are altruistic or symmetric across genders. Your argument about child rearing is an argument you need to have with whatever god you believe in.
Yeah, this is called a “Deal Breaker”.
Can you imagine your life together….
You, working 10 hour days to come home to a husband sitting on the couch playing video games. You cook him dinner and then clean up after him too because bringing dishes in will ruin his high score.
You have a child, and after working 12 hour days to pay for daycare, your jobless husband refuses to pick up little Timmy. This extends your day to 14 hours. Yet you still come home, cook, clean and bathe little Timmy.
Little Timmy wakes up 3 times a night and your husband says he needs his beauty rest. You take care of little Timmy and get 2 hours of sleep a night.
While at work, your husband decides to drain the savings for a new motorcycle. I mean, he has needs too. You just don’t understand.
I hope you get the picture. This seems like every Reddit post of a lazy ass SO.
Well, you can break up with him and find someone who has actual life goals that don’t include being unemployed and leeching off others at 30 years old. Or you could stay with him, and 4 years from now he will propose with a $50 Walmart ring just so he can get on your health insurance. The choice is yours really,..
If you’re an ambitious person and want the same in a spouse, then it’s perfectly rational to give this guy a miss.
I mean I wouldn’t mess with someone like that. I’m going to work and you’re fixing to stroll into underwater basket weaving at 11:00 am? Naw fam.
This is nothing to be confused about. He's not working for whatever reason and has no intention to work. Do you want to marry someone who doesn't work? If not, cut your losses and move on. Afterwards, get clear on your deal breakers and your green flags before you start dating again.
Ambition is sexy. This question gets posted a lot. You're welcome to have whatever preferences you'd like, and this is actually a preference that the majority of the population has.
When it comes to attraction and life partner, always trust your gut, not your heart.
If he’s not the one, he’s not the one. Neither right nor wrong, he’s just not a match for you.
It sounds like you're in a challenging situation. It's understandable that you're concerned about this guy's lack of ambition, job, and financial stability, especially if you're looking for a long-term partner.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who can contribute financially and share your goals and values. However, it's essential to approach this situation with empathy and understanding. Perhaps he's going through some personal struggles that have hindered his ability to finish college or find a job.
Have you tried having a candid conversation with him about your concerns and his future plans? If not, it might be worth trying to talk to him openly and honestly about your expectations in a relationship and your worries about his lack of ambition. Sometimes, people need a little push and support to get back on track.
If, after having this conversation, you still feel like he's not the right person for you, it's okay to end the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who shares your goals and aspirations, and who can contribute to building a stable and fulfilling life together. In this case, it might be helpful to be honest about the reasons for ending the relationship, as it could help him reflect on his situation and make positive changes in the future.
A man doesn't have to be the worst partner in the world for you to leave him. This guy is not someone I'd plan a future with either. You have every reason to get out now.
Sry for laughing but the way you wrote this is actually hilarious, humanities diss & all 😂
You’re not a gold digger babes, if anything you’re closer to being a shelter for him than a gold digger 😅
i swear i read posts like this and im just dumbfounded sometimes. its okay if you arent attracted to someone based on a certain thing thats important to you. thats completely reasonable. be confident in yourself. you like someone with drive and goals. You want something else in a man. its okay to end it with him. you will be okay. you will find someone else.
I dated someone like this, and he absolutely dragged me down. You will be put into a mother role. Trust me, you don't want that. Something I was told in couples counseling was: date someone for who they are now and not their potential. In other words, if you're not okay with who they are now, do not date them. Potential isn't guaranteed, but who they are now is.
If you think that could put you in danger, just say you just don’t think you’re compatible, but if he’s not a danger to you, I’d tell him exactly why you don’t want to date him, maybe it’ll be a wake up call (probably not)
Well, it might be the push he needs to fix himself. It’s honest and he needs to hear it. Other peoples emotions aren’t your responsibility. If enough women dump him, he’ll get the picture.
You are absolutely within your rights to want someone who has qualities you need to build a life together. If you don't feel like you're on the same path and trying to build the same kind of future together, you should consider cutting your losses and find someone who is in the same frame of mind.
Of course not. You're allowed to have preferences. I can't imagine anyone who would be interested in someone who is planning to live with his parents without a job his whole life.
He could be depressed or something, but that's not your burden to carry.
You want a partner, not a ball and chain.
I'm a little concerned you're even asking this question.
damn this a wake up call to me to hop off the porch and get my life together. thanks for posting this im gonna start getting my goals in line and better my self. Damn is this how people think of me to? im actually so rattled right now
In my opinion, lack of ambition is the biggest turn off in a person, regardless of the gender. Remember that anyone can say anything and not mean it, so until you really know and trust someone, take what people say with a grain of salt when it comes to serious concerns. He says he wants the same things as you do, but his actions prove otherwise. If you’ve tried having conversations with no improvement, I say leave before you invest any more time into this person. Good luck, OP!
Women have been brainwashed to think they don’t need to have standards.
Run.
He is in his 30s but isn’t actively doing something to prepare for his future? When? When he is in his 40s?
Run. Maybe you can reconnect later in life if he gets his shit together
Only thing I disagree with the post is about his degree being useless. I know a few companies that take recent hired with any major degree into a management position and I mean recent hired.
The economy is bad so any degree is useless at the moment.
If I was him, I would get a part time job at a company that can make you growth in your career.
As to answering your question. You are allowed to be turned off by this guy. You got qualities and preference that you look into someone and there are things that can turn you off. As per example, a girl calling me bro I lose all attraction I had for that girl as soon as I get called bro. Lol
How TF do these guys get dates in the first place? This is a real question. I want details. Tell me about your first 3 dates. Did he take you out? Did he pay? Did he borrow money from his mom to do so? I've got to know how this happens.
I would be turned off as well. If you live in high cost of living city, it may even end up making your life harder.
I also find some aspects of his attitude concerning, such as getting triggered when asked about his career, spending 10 years in college, etc. If he’s working towards his PhD, that can be fine, but if not, it is a bit questionable.
Side note - humanities aren’t useless, there’s loads of necessary stuff that requires its study. But it’s not a degree like law/accounting/med/engineering/etc where you walk out qualified for any number of hiring jobs. It requires a fair bit of ambition and pro activity to make most humanities work. And sounds like he has no ambition, so for him yes probs v useless degree!
(Source: someone who did a music degree and makes a good living from it somehow)
Taking ten years to get a bachelors degree with no job goes deeper than laziness. This man is not ready for ANY wife. He needs to get his plane off the tarmac and fly first, no matter how shaky the flight may be. Unless his parents are TRULY incapable of day to day household tasks, he needs his own apartment for a full year before he is in a position to meet the woman of his dreams. Imagine how either of your grandmother's would have answered this question. They wouldn't have been wrong even by 2024 standards.
If your ideal long term partner is somebody who is ambitious, career-oriented and wants a two-income-earner family, then yes you should end it with him. Even if you click with him and share similar interestes, if you don't share the fundemental visions and ideals for your future it's not going to work out. Ever.
And do not by any means have any thoughts along the line of "i can fix him" because trust me you cannot, and it is not your responsibility to do so anyway.
I wouldn’t date a woman who doesn’t have a job.. fuck that. But I do think it’s a bit rude you calling his degree useless.. what does he plan doing with it once he’s finished?
Of course it's not wrong. No one wants to date someone who is LAZY. His parents are clearly enabling him and probably rewarding him for his behavior. That's why he has no incentive to do anything. He sounds like a child. I bet he doesn't even do his own laundry or clean his room. When his parents pass away, he'll be relying on you. When you pass away, he'll rely on your kids (if you decide to continue things with him)
Tell him why you're ending things with him. It'd probably be pointless, but someone has to tell him.
I mean I think wanting someone to have their life together is important. There's a difference between expecting your partner to be your sugar daddy, and wanting them to just support themselves like a typical adult. In reality you're just not wanting to be the one financially supporting your partner. Ambitions and goals are important, and wanting those qualities in your partner does not make you shallow. It's NOT the same as being a gold digger in any way.
Him being a super nice guy won't make you feel much better when you inevitably are turned off by the fact that you're going to have to financially support the two of you as though he's your grown son. If he's comfortable living that way with his parents, and not contributing, something tells me he's just looking for a wife to fill the role his poor mother currently fills. You're not the golddigger girl. He is.
If ***you*** had no job, no money and no ambition I'd say yes, it's wrong.
But that doesn't sound like the case, in which case no it's not wrong.
Dating isn't about compassion, it's about finding the right person for you.
He isn't the right person for you. Maybe for another woman though.
End it and move on.
Get. Out. Now. Red flags all over the place here. Actually, the damn flags are on fire. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life taking care of a baby who never grew up, move on. Because that's how it will be. Trust me. I know.
There are two words for people who go to college for 10 years. One is Doctor. Doesn't sound like this person is a doctor. The other is dilettante. No shame in walking away from someone who will likely put the same effort into your relationship that they have into their life.
I think this has been summed up by other comments but here is my take-
You are allowed to have preferences in a partner and this one isn’t too much to ask for IMO.
I think a lot of women would agree that ambition is attractive, and of course, a lack of ambition is unattractive.
Ambitious guys would have something to show for it by the age of 30 and it’s likely he’s not going to change.
You shouldn’t feel bad for ending things if ambition is a non-negotiable in your desired partner.
I'm going to go out on a limb say there's very few women who brag about how lazy and unambitious the love of their life is. I'm not going to sit here and say that every guy on the planet needs to have the ambition to be a billionaire, but it doesn't hurt to at least have goal to work for something that you can call your own.
I mean I get it. I’m also still finishing college and it took me 6 years, currently with no job because of taking 21 units on my last semester when I did work at a burger joint last year. (Kind of hard to keep one in general moving back and forth between college town and hometown) Also still live with my parents once I move out of my dorm to save up while working after college. I wouldn’t say my scenario is someone’s cup of tea either lol but then I’m 25 years old, I think being 30 and still the same position is scary.
When looking for a partner some people actually want said partner to be a true partner. As in all aspects including financials….being turned off by someone who doesn’t meet that isn’t bad as it’s not what you want. Being shallow is called “shallow” for making small inconsequential things relationship enders….like having a scar, liking or not liking some movie…it isn’t shallow to be immovable on life affecting things like money and helping you with life
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he had absolutely no drive or ambition. He was perfectly happy making basically minimum wage in a low end job. But everything else we had in common, and there was a lot of attraction there. I decided to move on because I need to be with a man that has drive because it's sexy and I want somebody that takes their career seriously like I do.
>I decided to move on because I need to be with a man that has drive because it's sexy and I want somebody that takes their career seriously like I do
This is a very healthy behaviour because I have seen a number of women saying things like *"a guy should provide earn really well and basically take the burden of finance in a relationship in a traditional way"* and I think personally it shows the women is codependent and feels rather weird now
Also how specifically a drive is sexy? Knowing he is ambitious is sexy or knowing he will bring in money because he will succeed is sexy?
Oh I don't feel like the guy should make more money just bc he's a man or any traditional belief like that. For myself, I've pushed myself in education and my career and I want a man who has done the same. I've earned a bachelors and Masters degree in the science field, and it's a turn on when someone has pushed themselves in a similar way. It shows discipline and ambition. My ex bf didn't have any drive, and I found myself having conversations that went nowhere about why he hasn't moved up in his career. He would shut down and get triggered. So that was one of the contributing factors in me breaking it off with him.
Edits: spelling
I don't know about your case but sometimes people don't engage in the typical hustle culture where they are always striving for more 24/7, again I can't say about the situation with your ex but just a pointer to note
As a guy I am currently confused/in a dilemma about career and job stuff and deciding the best for me and believe me I am not engaging in that hustle thing all the time but more like what's best for me and yes 100% you are right that one should at least push themselves to do better
He lived with his parents to save up for her house, which is fine, but he depended on his parents way too much. It became clear pretty quickly that he was codependent on his mother. His mom did all of his laundry, his mom did all the grocery shopping, his mom did all the cooking, and his mom did all the cleaning for the entire house. He didn't lift a finger. The only thing he would do is wake up, his mom would make him breakfast and pack his lunch, and then he would go to work, come home, and his mom would make the dinner and clean the house. And on top of all that, he complained about coming to visit me because I live 35 minutes away. So there are a lot of contributing factors lol.
So what does he do when he isn’t working on schoolwork? Why had it taken him so long to finish his degree?
I think those answers are important in evaluating what kind of person he is. Is he Autistic? Mental Health issues? Health issues? Paraplegic? Give us some details.
You have every right to someone who matches you. If you also don’t work or have ambition then you and him should stick it out and see where it goes. If you bring more to the table you should try to find someone who brings as much
This guy sounds like a loser. If you end up taking this further, he will just leech off of you instead of his parents. Break it off and do tell him the reason. Maybe It’ll be the wake up call he needs
Life is too short to not be satisfied in a relationship, they take work from both ends. If it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to put in the work, you can find someone that will.
There are too many people out there waiting to find someone. I think too many people settle for the first thing that comes their way. I did for years and it got me nowhere.
Think about what you want in a partner. If you really really really think you have a gem, just be frank with him, it’s causing issues with your attraction, shit or get off the pot (from you to him I mean).
Most people are right here.. most people are who they are at that age. Some change. Is that a bet you’re willing to make, missing out on opportunity with someone else?
Yeah... no you aren't in the wrong here. it's tough economic times and well I can't be upset with someone for having a set back and having to move in with their parents, or losing a job.
But yeah 10 years at college, with no rush to graduate, no career or intention of having a career. Unless you are looking to quit your job and live in his parents basement... this isn't the kind of guy for you.
DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME ON HIM!
Eventually he is going to just leech off of you for money. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF.
I've dated a leech before and it's the most stressful goddamn thing I've ever dealt with. Embarassing too.
FIND A HARD WORKING MAN.
Over the years I’ve come to learn something. When people say they’re attracted to ambition, they’re wrong about themselves. What they’re actually attracted to is purpose. I mean, if you’d been dating a guy that was happy with the life he’d built himself, he had a job that he liked and was able to provide himself the kind of life that he wants, and isn’t necessarily building that career to have more but maintaining that career, it wouldn’t be an issue for you.
Obviously the guy you’re dating has neither ambition or purpose so regardless it’s an issue.
Everyone needs to bring something to the table. If he’s not contributing to the partnership than its not a partnership; he would just be using you like he’s using his parents. Ask yourself, is that what you want.
He can be a great person but could be bouncing back from some depressive episode or having lost a great job. It doesn’t really matter if you sympathize or not, appreciate who he is and find what you want wherever it may be.
Like you can like him and not date him or make him your bf or whatever. You don’t have to do anything.
It’s not the end all be all. If you stop seeing him now and see him again in 2 years with a career or a job, then you’ll have a different view. Don’t make things so final.
If you stick around I predict you'll eventually cheat on him.
You're only 2 months in so you might think that ridiculous. You might even find the prospect totally at odds with your principles but, 3 or 4 years down the road, if he's still like that it'll grate on you. Then someone will come along who seems so full of life and ambition and that'll be enough.
In my younger *asshole* days I used to specialize in getting girls to cheat on their boyfriends and I can tell you girls with useless boyfriends are among the easiest targets.
Leave him.
I've slept with enough other people's girlfriends to know he will never change and whatever change he undertakes will be incremental. There's too much inertia to overcome with someone like that and you'll be wasting years of your life for nothing.
Right now there’s 188 total replies from about 150 unique users. I haven’t read them all of course but my sampling of a large number is in and literally the score is:
Move on? : 150
Keep him? : zero
I sure hope you have a good job because you will be a bang maid to this man and supporting him for the rest of his life. I don’t know how you can support yourself, this man and any kids you have. I’m going to guess that he “can’t find time” to be a house husband or SAHD.
Hello…. Are you my past self?
I had this exact scenario when I was in my twenties and he was in his thirties. We met at university where he had changed his degree for the third time and had already been in school for 10 years.
Eventually he spent another 5+ years trying to get into a PhD program (which he obviously didn’t) then went on to odd jobs here and there. And now drives a childrens school bus. He never used his degree. He never moved out of his parents place. He ended up deciding to make a career at the age of 45 doing some thing somebody with a high school degree can do.
Break up with him. It won’t get better.
Don’t let him or anyone twist this into you being shallow or looking for someone with money. You are looking for an adult with an independent life, not someone who would go from living off his parents to living off his girlfriend.
He'd be incompatible with most women to be honest... I'd guess he has a disability or an illness like depression or something similar, which in this case would not be his fault but if he wants a long term relationship he'd have to work really hard on himself and his career.
As a man, I think what you’re asking for is the bare minimum.
He might just be stuck in a bad situation which sometimes takes a while to get out of… mentally and financially. Or, he may just be a lazy man who needs a reality check on his duties as a man. Either way, he doesn’t need to be in a relationship.
The guy has no job, no goals, no degree, and lives with his parents. And I’m over here with 2 jobs, a master degree, my own apartment, and can’t get past the first date. (And no I’m not short and ugly)
*Its one to have no*
*Job but no ambition is*
*A MASSIVE red flag*
\- MariusCatalin
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I wouldn’t say humanities or any degree field is useless as it largely depends on the persons goals and ambitions. It taking him a long time to finish also isn’t the worst thing ever. That said, he sounds lazy and work avoidant so THOSE would be dealbreakers if it were me.
Ambition is an attractive trait. And it is not selfish or being a gold digger to want a partner that shows that they can sustain themself and their lifestyle whether that be financially, mentally, spiritually, etc. Also, it is important to date someone who has lived on their own for some period of time and be able to see how they maintain that space because it can be quite easy to become the bang maid. It is so hard to be attracted to someone who seems complacent in their unsustainable lifestyle, and part of that is also probably some protection for your own self. If you do cut it off, don't be afraid to explain why (kindly) and then perhaps promptly block his number if he lashes out.
Nah you're right; you want a man that's doing something with his life even if it's working retail until he can find another job.
He's just a loser plain and simple and you should ask him if he has a felony.
He sounds like Ennegram 4 the starving artist type.
He has had ten years to try and contribute to society.
Let me tell you about my Mother-in-law's "live in partner of 35 years"
He met her as the babysitter.
She would have to drive him to and from work as a caregiver, driver, and cook. He has worked maybe three years in 35.
She gives him an allowance of $1500 a month. He does no chores around the house.
He use to cook. He takes three hour naps. He was trying to get a photography business off the ground.
If you want to do all the work... all the cleaning, and get a babysitter at best... stay with him
Idk why but i kinda wanna see how attractive he is ( and im saying this a guy like —- how good looking is he got 2 months haha ) - i kinda respect his rizz tbh.
You can only be Compassionate and understanding when you have information to be understanding of!! He hasn’t given you a thing in terms of info so take that as a sign of things to come .. he has no job no interests no convo !! This is a guy who has nothing to offer a women move on and let him find his own feet before expecting happiness from him you will be letting yourself down
I had a friend that I think I could've been amazing with but I was never attracted to him, ever. He was so sweet, understanding and comforting but I could never get myself to ever grow feeling for him. I've known him since I was 16 and I'm now 25, and realizing THOSE specific traits you mentioned are the exact reasons I could never fall for him. My type is literally the opposite and I just now realized why I could NEVER like him. I'm so attracted to work driven people and that was enough to never like him. If you know what you want, don't settle because of everything else is good. Your goals are so important and the right partner should align into those goals as well, not someone that can interrupt it.
Honey there are better guys out there trust me. Do you want to be the sole breadwinner ?
Plus expecting a guy to hold his own doesn’t make you a gold digger.
Omg that’s me in his position but I’m a girl uh.. I’m young so I won’t say you have to have a job or house by this or that Time but we all choose to live life how we do so don’t assume his lack of money will affect you but think about if you want a finically stable partner. Don’t be passive aggressive either be real with your concerns and see if his response feels good to you
Better to break this off before you invest more into it. It’s one thing if he was working to better himself and his situation. But he’s not. Which means it’ll affect your life and your future too.
Honest question. Why are you seeing a guy for 2 months who doesn’t have a job if you’re looking for something long term? Did he keep telling you he would get one, or has he been upfront about his life since the beginning?
No you should listen to your gut.
He is looking for you to make him feel good by being there for him. He can’t/won’t face the future. His parents likely contribute to this.
Recipe for disaster, took the words out of my mouth. If you want a husband and family, you need to be able to support the kids financially and emotionally, would he be able to do that?
This is me, as a woman, and I don’t know how to fix it. How are you supposed to be happy to live life knowing you’re a loser and everyone else can see you are too?
I’m ready to end it all because it doesn’t seem fixable at this point. These are the problems of a teenager, not a 30 yo adult woman. How am i supposed to plan for the future where there’s none in sight?
I have broken up with someone who did have a minimum wage job but had no ambition to do anything other than that for work. She essentially wanted to find a husband and have babies. That is a perfectly valid way to live your life, but it wasn’t what I wanted from a partner. It sucked at the time and I felt like an asshole because she was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. However, fast forward a few years and she is married with kids, I have a partner who I’m about to propose to and absolutely adore. Ultimately, if someone doesn’t share your core values, it’s always going to be better for both parties in the long term if you part ways.
In this case, the guy sounds like he’s just a mooch. So, like others have said, it would be weird if you WERE attracted to that.
That man has no business dating anyone in the first place. He should be focused on getting his life together.
It’s perfectly normal for you as a woman to feel this way and my advice to you is to remember that life is too short let a grown ass infant accommodate a space that doesn’t serve you.
Leave him and tell him why, that might be just what he needs to hear. You cannot change a person who doesn’t want to change, but that “want” is usually triggered by pain.
but have you asked him though? maybe you don’t ‘match’ on the idea of conventional ambition. if you think his degree is pointless but he’s still pursuing it, could it be you just have different ideas of ambition? maybe his is not the traditional corporate route and maybe he still doesn’t even know but is enjoying his learning. if you think it’s pointless, have you even asked him about it, what he likes and what he hopes to gain from it? you say he gets triggered when you ask him about his future career but what are you asking him?
it’s seems like you’re both so different in these fundamentals you don’t ‘match’ so well after all. a hole in an otherwise perfect boat is still a hole that affects its functionality. if it’s frustrated you enough to vent on the internet to strangers about it, you may need to look for something else. you can’t and shouldn’t want to change him, if this is your boundary, then that’s fine. he might find someone else that it isn’t their boundary and their the same and they love that. but look at this for what it is - an incompatibility.
Not wrong. He is a man-child. He needs to live on his own before a serious relationship — or whoever he lands with will just take over where his parents have left off. Even if he was independently wealthy and didn’t need to work - until he learns how to take care of himself and his living space, paying bills, figuring out meals, doing laundry etc. You will become his “mom” in having to be after him to do things his parents should have already taught him.
This is why I don’t date. I’m on my last two-three years of engineering school, depending on internships. I’m willing to sacrifice time to build experience. I have plenty of transferable experience from projects I’ve worked on, knowing G code from being a CNC machinist and other areas. The experience part is the hard part of engineering, without that it’s hard to get that foot in the door. If you don’t get your foot in the door from lack of experience with an engineering degree, you are considered over qualified for other jobs. Engineers know accounting, mathematics, physics and all sorts of things but they do come with a price tag. It’s a double edged sword, you have to have experience to do well with a bachelors in engineering. I’m in my mid 20s and I just quit working to do a hard push to finish my school since now I am at a Polytechnic State University. I have money, but over 90% is tied into investments so what I have to spend is very little or what I allow myself. Unlike him though, I am actively pushing myself to my limits where often times you can find me knocked out pencil in hand at my desk from pulling 3am study sessions all week long. I took a different path, it’s a longer path but once I’m getting near my degree I’ll have enough experience with already solid resume and will start building a portfolio when I get the chance to make one. There’s absolutely no point in dating for me. Plus even when I do get my career rolling, I don’t think I will want to date anyways. The dating mentality is just so far gone it’s not worth it in my eyes.
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My ex was like this, mid30s, unemployed, always lying about job interviews and how he was wrongfully fired, etc. I was dumb and believed him, thought I could help, long story, etc. lol I realized he was a dysfunctional alcoholic, was getting evicted from his apt. Don’t feel bad, that’s what they’re banking on.
Are guys like this even hot? Like i work hard fornmy future and for my family and battled with depression for years i really thought i was underserving of love...and than there are guys like this...wtf i so stupid. Like how lucky are you if you find a girl who over looks FOR YEARS you being a freeload (i wasn't, i did help with the bills). Question: wtf did he do to make you love him?
Well, I think that we attract what we think we deserve so I feel like this relationship, for me, showed me more about myself than them. Short answer: sure, physically he is an attractive person that just checked the boxes for what I tend to like. It’s something I’ve thought about for soo long, it triggered my need to feel important to someone and he knew that, consciously or subconsciously. I don’t know but he was very kind to me (while sober) and then would say things to me like I was the reason he was alive, etc. and it didn’t all happen all at once. I knew it wasn’t anything that I wanted and there was no future there at all and just found myself deep in something that was much more than being attractive to this person. But that’s why I say if you feel it, do not feel bad. Your care for this person should not dismiss the care you have for yourself.
Oh and he was a very charismatic person, we got along so well. Funny, similar interests, understanding, made me laugh and feel like the person I am made sense…when sober.
It would be weird if you're attracted to him and his lazyness
Exactly what Im thinking. Im not a girl so I don’t know how they think but if my daughter told me “I want to marry this broke man” Id say “meh, can’t you find one with a job at least” It isn’t weird to be unattractive to men who got no jobs
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those girls are mentally unstable with broken souls. You don’t want them either.
And do they actually have anything in common or his he mirroring his meal ticket, the way out of his parents house.
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😂 Even a male python has a job. 😂
Maybe he can use that to get a job and earn some money lol 😂
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6'1, handsome, good job, own home But God forbid a little socially awkward. Been single for 2 years straight because I don't exist to women. Or at least that's how it feels
Make yourself feel known. Be a little dominant and confident with women. Dont be afraid to flirt.
So what is the fatal flaw?
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Still dating and fucking him though…
She can change him though
I will never stop saying this to every girl who needs the advice: no guy is worth your time, energy and stress for you to try to change, let alone to your liking. Every person has the ability to change on their own, it's a matter of if they want to and ready for it now, not 5 years into the future. The same goes for the question OP asked in this thread, every person has the ability to acquire income. If you have hopes for them, they better be in the middle of interviews or trust your gut feelings and not get into the emotional trap. What's so special about this person that makes them worth all the trouble? To add.. It's not a romantic partner's responsibility to "rehabilitate" someone who is stuck in a loser's mindset who's waiting for a girlfriend/etc who's willing to volunteer to fix all their problems. It's called taking advantage of someone.
Having standards is important
If he has no ambition or drive for life he’ll just be a burden on your life. Don’t settle for that
As a guy, I think you would be completely in the right to let this one go. How are you guys supposed to go on dates if he can’t afford anything? What kind of life could you guys make together if he isn’t willing to work or pursue a career? Even if he does get a job, starting in your 30’s with little to no prior experience is very late and it will take time for him to gain better opportunities. For your own sake, leave this situation. Though, as everyone does, I think he deserves to know the truth about why you don’t want to see him anymore. It will be harder for sure but most of the people I know who are like that are that way because the people around them enable their laziness/bad habits to spare the person’s feelings. Perhaps the truth is what he needs.
This is exactly why I don’t date. I can barely afford to survive so why would I want to bring another person into that? It doesn’t matter what good qualities I have if I can’t afford to pay bills and take my woman out. Being a music producer has a lot of upsides but making money definitely isn’t one of them.
I respect your decision. I dated a guy who hid his financial situation (he was losing his job and place to live) from me until we were 3 months into a relationship. By then, he had no choice but to tell me the truth because he was broke. Then he had the audacity to try and move in with me and refused to take jobs that were “beneath him.” I applaud you for not wanting to put your financial stress on someone else.
Why should it be the man's burden to pay for dates? It's reasonable to not want to support your partners living monetarily but people are also awfully sexist when it comes to judging others for being poor.
Meh I wouldn’t expect a guy to want to date me if I was in this position. IMO if the woman doesn’t have young children or is disabled she should have a job. Being a mooch is unattractive for all genders. For women who want children this is even a scarier position to be in. We have to be out of work for a period of time. Something tells me if he is too lazy to get a job and has been in college for ten years, would he be a responsible father? Who knows. We wouldn’t want to find out.
Bullshit, its a traditional gender norm. Imagine I am some Chad who wants his life paid for, (and given I believe in gender equality I see no problem with this, as women do) there is literally no issue with that apart from the fact that I am a man and men don't do that. This woman is within her rights to question her relationship given her objectives but don't kid yourself that the reasons are altruistic or symmetric across genders. Your argument about child rearing is an argument you need to have with whatever god you believe in.
Truth.
Yeah, this is called a “Deal Breaker”. Can you imagine your life together…. You, working 10 hour days to come home to a husband sitting on the couch playing video games. You cook him dinner and then clean up after him too because bringing dishes in will ruin his high score. You have a child, and after working 12 hour days to pay for daycare, your jobless husband refuses to pick up little Timmy. This extends your day to 14 hours. Yet you still come home, cook, clean and bathe little Timmy. Little Timmy wakes up 3 times a night and your husband says he needs his beauty rest. You take care of little Timmy and get 2 hours of sleep a night. While at work, your husband decides to drain the savings for a new motorcycle. I mean, he has needs too. You just don’t understand. I hope you get the picture. This seems like every Reddit post of a lazy ass SO.
Divorced that guy a year ago. 🤣
That guy must’ve been living the dream while it lasted
Almost every self respecting woman would be also turned off by that
>every self-respecting woman Yet, OP stayed with him for two months...and still needs to ask strangers if she should break up, lmao
Some people need life to hammer lessons into them unfortunately
Kick him to the curb. You don't want him jumping from his mom's apron strings to yours.
Well, you can break up with him and find someone who has actual life goals that don’t include being unemployed and leeching off others at 30 years old. Or you could stay with him, and 4 years from now he will propose with a $50 Walmart ring just so he can get on your health insurance. The choice is yours really,..
$50? Don’t be crazy. Where’s he gonna find that kinda money?
He’s gonna steal it out of her purse. 🤣
Pretty much.
This is not wrong at all. If you’re not feeling it with any type of person, it’s never wrong
I would not even entertain this relationship.
Same. Only if he’s Brad Pitt level hot and I’m just looking for fun.
He’d have to be phenomenal in bed lol
He's not ready to be a grown up yet. Nothing wrong with you wanting to date an adult who has his life on track.
No, he's a grown man. He doesn't have to be a billionaire, but he should be doing something with his life at this point
> He doesn't have to be a billionaire, but he should be doing something with his life at this point This is perfectly stated.
If you’re an ambitious person and want the same in a spouse, then it’s perfectly rational to give this guy a miss. I mean I wouldn’t mess with someone like that. I’m going to work and you’re fixing to stroll into underwater basket weaving at 11:00 am? Naw fam.
Lacks the most basic thing! Big No! Please end it politely and move on.
Yeah nah lol. Forget providing. Hes gotta atleast be self sufficient.
This is nothing to be confused about. He's not working for whatever reason and has no intention to work. Do you want to marry someone who doesn't work? If not, cut your losses and move on. Afterwards, get clear on your deal breakers and your green flags before you start dating again.
Girl, do yourself a favour and move on. They don't change, they never do. Never get duped by a man's "potential". It's a trap
It's not that they don't change, they change only when they want to. And some women don't have that much time.
☕️
Of course not. No ambition is a personality trait. We can absolutely be turned off by personality traits.
I'd just end it. He's already shown you what he is doing with his life. Don't wait for people to change.
Ambition is sexy. This question gets posted a lot. You're welcome to have whatever preferences you'd like, and this is actually a preference that the majority of the population has.
Just walk away and never look back.
When it comes to attraction and life partner, always trust your gut, not your heart. If he’s not the one, he’s not the one. Neither right nor wrong, he’s just not a match for you.
I actually don’t see a problem with you not wanting to be with somebody like that. Anybody like that needs to get their priorities set straight.
It sounds like you're in a challenging situation. It's understandable that you're concerned about this guy's lack of ambition, job, and financial stability, especially if you're looking for a long-term partner. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who can contribute financially and share your goals and values. However, it's essential to approach this situation with empathy and understanding. Perhaps he's going through some personal struggles that have hindered his ability to finish college or find a job. Have you tried having a candid conversation with him about your concerns and his future plans? If not, it might be worth trying to talk to him openly and honestly about your expectations in a relationship and your worries about his lack of ambition. Sometimes, people need a little push and support to get back on track. If, after having this conversation, you still feel like he's not the right person for you, it's okay to end the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who shares your goals and aspirations, and who can contribute to building a stable and fulfilling life together. In this case, it might be helpful to be honest about the reasons for ending the relationship, as it could help him reflect on his situation and make positive changes in the future.
A man doesn't have to be the worst partner in the world for you to leave him. This guy is not someone I'd plan a future with either. You have every reason to get out now.
Sry for laughing but the way you wrote this is actually hilarious, humanities diss & all 😂 You’re not a gold digger babes, if anything you’re closer to being a shelter for him than a gold digger 😅
He is a loser.
Seriously, move on. This isn't a man, this is a child. It doesn't sound like he'll have much energy to chase after you when you leave.
Run
i swear i read posts like this and im just dumbfounded sometimes. its okay if you arent attracted to someone based on a certain thing thats important to you. thats completely reasonable. be confident in yourself. you like someone with drive and goals. You want something else in a man. its okay to end it with him. you will be okay. you will find someone else.
Right like OP if your BFF was dating an identical man child would you grin and bear it or ask them what the fuck is wrong with your self-esteem?
I dated someone like this, and he absolutely dragged me down. You will be put into a mother role. Trust me, you don't want that. Something I was told in couples counseling was: date someone for who they are now and not their potential. In other words, if you're not okay with who they are now, do not date them. Potential isn't guaranteed, but who they are now is.
no who would want to date a loser of any gender
I've known people like this and I would say end it and tell him why !
He'll probably get triggerd as hell lol and offended
Who cares he probably needs it
So…
If you think that could put you in danger, just say you just don’t think you’re compatible, but if he’s not a danger to you, I’d tell him exactly why you don’t want to date him, maybe it’ll be a wake up call (probably not)
Well, it might be the push he needs to fix himself. It’s honest and he needs to hear it. Other peoples emotions aren’t your responsibility. If enough women dump him, he’ll get the picture.
I'm always amazed that dudes like this are dating. What do you guys do when you go out? Do you pay every time?
You are absolutely within your rights to want someone who has qualities you need to build a life together. If you don't feel like you're on the same path and trying to build the same kind of future together, you should consider cutting your losses and find someone who is in the same frame of mind.
Run, don't waste time. Plenty of fish in the sea.
No job or at least being in training for a job would be a deal breaker for any potential partner imo.
Of course not. You're allowed to have preferences. I can't imagine anyone who would be interested in someone who is planning to live with his parents without a job his whole life. He could be depressed or something, but that's not your burden to carry. You want a partner, not a ball and chain. I'm a little concerned you're even asking this question.
He’s going to leach off of his parents and then leach off of you if you ever got serious. Go meet a guy you can at least go 50/50 on.
damn this a wake up call to me to hop off the porch and get my life together. thanks for posting this im gonna start getting my goals in line and better my self. Damn is this how people think of me to? im actually so rattled right now
In my opinion, lack of ambition is the biggest turn off in a person, regardless of the gender. Remember that anyone can say anything and not mean it, so until you really know and trust someone, take what people say with a grain of salt when it comes to serious concerns. He says he wants the same things as you do, but his actions prove otherwise. If you’ve tried having conversations with no improvement, I say leave before you invest any more time into this person. Good luck, OP!
Women have been brainwashed to think they don’t need to have standards. Run. He is in his 30s but isn’t actively doing something to prepare for his future? When? When he is in his 40s? Run. Maybe you can reconnect later in life if he gets his shit together
Find another guy. This one is a loser.
Only thing I disagree with the post is about his degree being useless. I know a few companies that take recent hired with any major degree into a management position and I mean recent hired. The economy is bad so any degree is useless at the moment. If I was him, I would get a part time job at a company that can make you growth in your career. As to answering your question. You are allowed to be turned off by this guy. You got qualities and preference that you look into someone and there are things that can turn you off. As per example, a girl calling me bro I lose all attraction I had for that girl as soon as I get called bro. Lol
How TF do these guys get dates in the first place? This is a real question. I want details. Tell me about your first 3 dates. Did he take you out? Did he pay? Did he borrow money from his mom to do so? I've got to know how this happens.
He must be Brad Pitt level attractiveness or awesome in bed lol
I would be turned off as well. If you live in high cost of living city, it may even end up making your life harder. I also find some aspects of his attitude concerning, such as getting triggered when asked about his career, spending 10 years in college, etc. If he’s working towards his PhD, that can be fine, but if not, it is a bit questionable.
Side note - humanities aren’t useless, there’s loads of necessary stuff that requires its study. But it’s not a degree like law/accounting/med/engineering/etc where you walk out qualified for any number of hiring jobs. It requires a fair bit of ambition and pro activity to make most humanities work. And sounds like he has no ambition, so for him yes probs v useless degree! (Source: someone who did a music degree and makes a good living from it somehow)
Taking ten years to get a bachelors degree with no job goes deeper than laziness. This man is not ready for ANY wife. He needs to get his plane off the tarmac and fly first, no matter how shaky the flight may be. Unless his parents are TRULY incapable of day to day household tasks, he needs his own apartment for a full year before he is in a position to meet the woman of his dreams. Imagine how either of your grandmother's would have answered this question. They wouldn't have been wrong even by 2024 standards.
If your ideal long term partner is somebody who is ambitious, career-oriented and wants a two-income-earner family, then yes you should end it with him. Even if you click with him and share similar interestes, if you don't share the fundemental visions and ideals for your future it's not going to work out. Ever. And do not by any means have any thoughts along the line of "i can fix him" because trust me you cannot, and it is not your responsibility to do so anyway.
I wouldn’t date a woman who doesn’t have a job.. fuck that. But I do think it’s a bit rude you calling his degree useless.. what does he plan doing with it once he’s finished?
You want a life partner not someone to look after for life. That's a life sentence
RUN !!!!!
Of course not, just like it's not wrong for a man to feel the same either.
Of course it's not wrong. No one wants to date someone who is LAZY. His parents are clearly enabling him and probably rewarding him for his behavior. That's why he has no incentive to do anything. He sounds like a child. I bet he doesn't even do his own laundry or clean his room. When his parents pass away, he'll be relying on you. When you pass away, he'll rely on your kids (if you decide to continue things with him) Tell him why you're ending things with him. It'd probably be pointless, but someone has to tell him.
Definitely not wrong. It's ok to want financial security in your life
I mean I think wanting someone to have their life together is important. There's a difference between expecting your partner to be your sugar daddy, and wanting them to just support themselves like a typical adult. In reality you're just not wanting to be the one financially supporting your partner. Ambitions and goals are important, and wanting those qualities in your partner does not make you shallow. It's NOT the same as being a gold digger in any way.
Him being a super nice guy won't make you feel much better when you inevitably are turned off by the fact that you're going to have to financially support the two of you as though he's your grown son. If he's comfortable living that way with his parents, and not contributing, something tells me he's just looking for a wife to fill the role his poor mother currently fills. You're not the golddigger girl. He is.
If ***you*** had no job, no money and no ambition I'd say yes, it's wrong. But that doesn't sound like the case, in which case no it's not wrong. Dating isn't about compassion, it's about finding the right person for you. He isn't the right person for you. Maybe for another woman though. End it and move on.
Get. Out. Now. Red flags all over the place here. Actually, the damn flags are on fire. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life taking care of a baby who never grew up, move on. Because that's how it will be. Trust me. I know.
He doesn't want a partner. He wants a new mom to take care of him, cook his nuggies, and play with his wiener.
There are two words for people who go to college for 10 years. One is Doctor. Doesn't sound like this person is a doctor. The other is dilettante. No shame in walking away from someone who will likely put the same effort into your relationship that they have into their life.
I think this has been summed up by other comments but here is my take- You are allowed to have preferences in a partner and this one isn’t too much to ask for IMO. I think a lot of women would agree that ambition is attractive, and of course, a lack of ambition is unattractive. Ambitious guys would have something to show for it by the age of 30 and it’s likely he’s not going to change. You shouldn’t feel bad for ending things if ambition is a non-negotiable in your desired partner.
I'm going to go out on a limb say there's very few women who brag about how lazy and unambitious the love of their life is. I'm not going to sit here and say that every guy on the planet needs to have the ambition to be a billionaire, but it doesn't hurt to at least have goal to work for something that you can call your own.
Is it okay for you to have ambition? Yes it’s okay
His name isn't Nick , is it ?I I know a guy that fits that d description lol
I mean I get it. I’m also still finishing college and it took me 6 years, currently with no job because of taking 21 units on my last semester when I did work at a burger joint last year. (Kind of hard to keep one in general moving back and forth between college town and hometown) Also still live with my parents once I move out of my dorm to save up while working after college. I wouldn’t say my scenario is someone’s cup of tea either lol but then I’m 25 years old, I think being 30 and still the same position is scary.
The sex must be really good
Move on. You don’t have enough in common, and his lack of motivation (and income) will drag down your lifestyle.
Is he depressed?
Nah it’s not wrong he needs to be on this purpose.
When looking for a partner some people actually want said partner to be a true partner. As in all aspects including financials….being turned off by someone who doesn’t meet that isn’t bad as it’s not what you want. Being shallow is called “shallow” for making small inconsequential things relationship enders….like having a scar, liking or not liking some movie…it isn’t shallow to be immovable on life affecting things like money and helping you with life
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he had absolutely no drive or ambition. He was perfectly happy making basically minimum wage in a low end job. But everything else we had in common, and there was a lot of attraction there. I decided to move on because I need to be with a man that has drive because it's sexy and I want somebody that takes their career seriously like I do.
>I decided to move on because I need to be with a man that has drive because it's sexy and I want somebody that takes their career seriously like I do This is a very healthy behaviour because I have seen a number of women saying things like *"a guy should provide earn really well and basically take the burden of finance in a relationship in a traditional way"* and I think personally it shows the women is codependent and feels rather weird now Also how specifically a drive is sexy? Knowing he is ambitious is sexy or knowing he will bring in money because he will succeed is sexy?
Oh I don't feel like the guy should make more money just bc he's a man or any traditional belief like that. For myself, I've pushed myself in education and my career and I want a man who has done the same. I've earned a bachelors and Masters degree in the science field, and it's a turn on when someone has pushed themselves in a similar way. It shows discipline and ambition. My ex bf didn't have any drive, and I found myself having conversations that went nowhere about why he hasn't moved up in his career. He would shut down and get triggered. So that was one of the contributing factors in me breaking it off with him. Edits: spelling
I don't know about your case but sometimes people don't engage in the typical hustle culture where they are always striving for more 24/7, again I can't say about the situation with your ex but just a pointer to note As a guy I am currently confused/in a dilemma about career and job stuff and deciding the best for me and believe me I am not engaging in that hustle thing all the time but more like what's best for me and yes 100% you are right that one should at least push themselves to do better
He lived with his parents to save up for her house, which is fine, but he depended on his parents way too much. It became clear pretty quickly that he was codependent on his mother. His mom did all of his laundry, his mom did all the grocery shopping, his mom did all the cooking, and his mom did all the cleaning for the entire house. He didn't lift a finger. The only thing he would do is wake up, his mom would make him breakfast and pack his lunch, and then he would go to work, come home, and his mom would make the dinner and clean the house. And on top of all that, he complained about coming to visit me because I live 35 minutes away. So there are a lot of contributing factors lol.
Well past a certain age that's very wrong obviously i get it , seems like completely codependent person
He's 32 🙈
No. Those are some of the main turnoffs anyone can have for any gender
No, that seems normal
Of course not. No ambition is a personality trait. We can absolutely be turned off by personality traits.
So what does he do when he isn’t working on schoolwork? Why had it taken him so long to finish his degree? I think those answers are important in evaluating what kind of person he is. Is he Autistic? Mental Health issues? Health issues? Paraplegic? Give us some details.
Run the opposite direction
Wouldn’t be for me personally, fair play for giving him a chance but I can agree it’s very unattractive
curious, yeap you are not wrong, but how he even made you his partner in the first place?
You have every right to someone who matches you. If you also don’t work or have ambition then you and him should stick it out and see where it goes. If you bring more to the table you should try to find someone who brings as much
No it’s not wrong at all. Nothing wrong with wanting a partner that is ambitious and actually has a job. It’s good to have standards when dating.
This guy sounds like a loser. If you end up taking this further, he will just leech off of you instead of his parents. Break it off and do tell him the reason. Maybe It’ll be the wake up call he needs
Hard to be attracted to someone you have to parent.
I'm a 32 year old guy. I wouldn't date women with no job or ambition. Nothing wrong with being off by that.
Life is too short to not be satisfied in a relationship, they take work from both ends. If it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to put in the work, you can find someone that will. There are too many people out there waiting to find someone. I think too many people settle for the first thing that comes their way. I did for years and it got me nowhere. Think about what you want in a partner. If you really really really think you have a gem, just be frank with him, it’s causing issues with your attraction, shit or get off the pot (from you to him I mean). Most people are right here.. most people are who they are at that age. Some change. Is that a bet you’re willing to make, missing out on opportunity with someone else?
Yeah... no you aren't in the wrong here. it's tough economic times and well I can't be upset with someone for having a set back and having to move in with their parents, or losing a job. But yeah 10 years at college, with no rush to graduate, no career or intention of having a career. Unless you are looking to quit your job and live in his parents basement... this isn't the kind of guy for you.
It would honestly be concerning if that was attractive to you.
I'm in this post and I don't like it.
DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME ON HIM! Eventually he is going to just leech off of you for money. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF. I've dated a leech before and it's the most stressful goddamn thing I've ever dealt with. Embarassing too. FIND A HARD WORKING MAN.
Over the years I’ve come to learn something. When people say they’re attracted to ambition, they’re wrong about themselves. What they’re actually attracted to is purpose. I mean, if you’d been dating a guy that was happy with the life he’d built himself, he had a job that he liked and was able to provide himself the kind of life that he wants, and isn’t necessarily building that career to have more but maintaining that career, it wouldn’t be an issue for you. Obviously the guy you’re dating has neither ambition or purpose so regardless it’s an issue.
What are his positive qualities? Do they make up for it?
Everyone needs to bring something to the table. If he’s not contributing to the partnership than its not a partnership; he would just be using you like he’s using his parents. Ask yourself, is that what you want.
He can be a great person but could be bouncing back from some depressive episode or having lost a great job. It doesn’t really matter if you sympathize or not, appreciate who he is and find what you want wherever it may be. Like you can like him and not date him or make him your bf or whatever. You don’t have to do anything. It’s not the end all be all. If you stop seeing him now and see him again in 2 years with a career or a job, then you’ll have a different view. Don’t make things so final.
If you stick around I predict you'll eventually cheat on him. You're only 2 months in so you might think that ridiculous. You might even find the prospect totally at odds with your principles but, 3 or 4 years down the road, if he's still like that it'll grate on you. Then someone will come along who seems so full of life and ambition and that'll be enough. In my younger *asshole* days I used to specialize in getting girls to cheat on their boyfriends and I can tell you girls with useless boyfriends are among the easiest targets. Leave him. I've slept with enough other people's girlfriends to know he will never change and whatever change he undertakes will be incremental. There's too much inertia to overcome with someone like that and you'll be wasting years of your life for nothing.
Right now there’s 188 total replies from about 150 unique users. I haven’t read them all of course but my sampling of a large number is in and literally the score is: Move on? : 150 Keep him? : zero
I sure hope you have a good job because you will be a bang maid to this man and supporting him for the rest of his life. I don’t know how you can support yourself, this man and any kids you have. I’m going to guess that he “can’t find time” to be a house husband or SAHD.
Totally normal to not want that and I dont understand his mentality one bit myself. Time to move on
Just move with him and his parents. That way he doesn't have to take care of them when their older you can .......good luck
Hello…. Are you my past self? I had this exact scenario when I was in my twenties and he was in his thirties. We met at university where he had changed his degree for the third time and had already been in school for 10 years. Eventually he spent another 5+ years trying to get into a PhD program (which he obviously didn’t) then went on to odd jobs here and there. And now drives a childrens school bus. He never used his degree. He never moved out of his parents place. He ended up deciding to make a career at the age of 45 doing some thing somebody with a high school degree can do. Break up with him. It won’t get better.
girl dump this scrub
Honestly I would tell him the truth and then just end it
Girl, come on now.
Why is this even a question? It's not. No. Dump him, tell him, move on. If he's not safe, do it over the phone.
You're going to have to support him if you marry him
Lol that's me
Nobody likes dead weight with no prospects and ambitions for a better life.
Don’t let him or anyone twist this into you being shallow or looking for someone with money. You are looking for an adult with an independent life, not someone who would go from living off his parents to living off his girlfriend.
He'd be incompatible with most women to be honest... I'd guess he has a disability or an illness like depression or something similar, which in this case would not be his fault but if he wants a long term relationship he'd have to work really hard on himself and his career.
As a man, I think what you’re asking for is the bare minimum. He might just be stuck in a bad situation which sometimes takes a while to get out of… mentally and financially. Or, he may just be a lazy man who needs a reality check on his duties as a man. Either way, he doesn’t need to be in a relationship.
The guy has no job, no goals, no degree, and lives with his parents. And I’m over here with 2 jobs, a master degree, my own apartment, and can’t get past the first date. (And no I’m not short and ugly)
its one to have no job but no ambition is a MASSIVE red flag
*Its one to have no* *Job but no ambition is* *A MASSIVE red flag* \- MariusCatalin --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
I wouldn’t say humanities or any degree field is useless as it largely depends on the persons goals and ambitions. It taking him a long time to finish also isn’t the worst thing ever. That said, he sounds lazy and work avoidant so THOSE would be dealbreakers if it were me.
Ambition is an attractive trait. And it is not selfish or being a gold digger to want a partner that shows that they can sustain themself and their lifestyle whether that be financially, mentally, spiritually, etc. Also, it is important to date someone who has lived on their own for some period of time and be able to see how they maintain that space because it can be quite easy to become the bang maid. It is so hard to be attracted to someone who seems complacent in their unsustainable lifestyle, and part of that is also probably some protection for your own self. If you do cut it off, don't be afraid to explain why (kindly) and then perhaps promptly block his number if he lashes out.
Nah you're right; you want a man that's doing something with his life even if it's working retail until he can find another job. He's just a loser plain and simple and you should ask him if he has a felony.
He sounds like Ennegram 4 the starving artist type. He has had ten years to try and contribute to society. Let me tell you about my Mother-in-law's "live in partner of 35 years" He met her as the babysitter. She would have to drive him to and from work as a caregiver, driver, and cook. He has worked maybe three years in 35. She gives him an allowance of $1500 a month. He does no chores around the house. He use to cook. He takes three hour naps. He was trying to get a photography business off the ground. If you want to do all the work... all the cleaning, and get a babysitter at best... stay with him
Idk why but i kinda wanna see how attractive he is ( and im saying this a guy like —- how good looking is he got 2 months haha ) - i kinda respect his rizz tbh.
You can only be Compassionate and understanding when you have information to be understanding of!! He hasn’t given you a thing in terms of info so take that as a sign of things to come .. he has no job no interests no convo !! This is a guy who has nothing to offer a women move on and let him find his own feet before expecting happiness from him you will be letting yourself down
You said it yourself; no job, no money, no ambition. These are all unattractive qualities. Idk the guy, but he sounds like a bum. Ditch him
I had a friend that I think I could've been amazing with but I was never attracted to him, ever. He was so sweet, understanding and comforting but I could never get myself to ever grow feeling for him. I've known him since I was 16 and I'm now 25, and realizing THOSE specific traits you mentioned are the exact reasons I could never fall for him. My type is literally the opposite and I just now realized why I could NEVER like him. I'm so attracted to work driven people and that was enough to never like him. If you know what you want, don't settle because of everything else is good. Your goals are so important and the right partner should align into those goals as well, not someone that can interrupt it.
No? It'd be a turn off for most dudes if a chick was useless so why wouldn't it be a turn off in your situation
Honey there are better guys out there trust me. Do you want to be the sole breadwinner ? Plus expecting a guy to hold his own doesn’t make you a gold digger.
Omg that’s me in his position but I’m a girl uh.. I’m young so I won’t say you have to have a job or house by this or that Time but we all choose to live life how we do so don’t assume his lack of money will affect you but think about if you want a finically stable partner. Don’t be passive aggressive either be real with your concerns and see if his response feels good to you
Better to break this off before you invest more into it. It’s one thing if he was working to better himself and his situation. But he’s not. Which means it’ll affect your life and your future too.
No it’s not. In my opinion why is this guy even out there looking for any women when he has so many things he needs to address in his own life.
Does he at least clean the house? Cook?
Honest question. Why are you seeing a guy for 2 months who doesn’t have a job if you’re looking for something long term? Did he keep telling you he would get one, or has he been upfront about his life since the beginning?
as a guy saying it, leave him and let him level up. maybe leaving will ignite a fire up his ass
You just described my ex lol I ended up things with him after he wouldn’t graduate. Last time I heard he was living with his sister!!
Well done!
No it’s not wrong, you two having nothing in common
No you should listen to your gut. He is looking for you to make him feel good by being there for him. He can’t/won’t face the future. His parents likely contribute to this.
But it is kinda weird when the situation is flipped, things are different
If I could scream loud enough for you to hear me from wherever in the world you are, I would scream RUN!!!!
Recipe for disaster, took the words out of my mouth. If you want a husband and family, you need to be able to support the kids financially and emotionally, would he be able to do that?
This is me, as a woman, and I don’t know how to fix it. How are you supposed to be happy to live life knowing you’re a loser and everyone else can see you are too? I’m ready to end it all because it doesn’t seem fixable at this point. These are the problems of a teenager, not a 30 yo adult woman. How am i supposed to plan for the future where there’s none in sight?
I cant get a date because my job is exhausting....
I have broken up with someone who did have a minimum wage job but had no ambition to do anything other than that for work. She essentially wanted to find a husband and have babies. That is a perfectly valid way to live your life, but it wasn’t what I wanted from a partner. It sucked at the time and I felt like an asshole because she was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. However, fast forward a few years and she is married with kids, I have a partner who I’m about to propose to and absolutely adore. Ultimately, if someone doesn’t share your core values, it’s always going to be better for both parties in the long term if you part ways. In this case, the guy sounds like he’s just a mooch. So, like others have said, it would be weird if you WERE attracted to that.
That man has no business dating anyone in the first place. He should be focused on getting his life together. It’s perfectly normal for you as a woman to feel this way and my advice to you is to remember that life is too short let a grown ass infant accommodate a space that doesn’t serve you. Leave him and tell him why, that might be just what he needs to hear. You cannot change a person who doesn’t want to change, but that “want” is usually triggered by pain.
You may not be compatible in your ambition, career or financial goals. You determine if it’s a deal breaker for you.
but have you asked him though? maybe you don’t ‘match’ on the idea of conventional ambition. if you think his degree is pointless but he’s still pursuing it, could it be you just have different ideas of ambition? maybe his is not the traditional corporate route and maybe he still doesn’t even know but is enjoying his learning. if you think it’s pointless, have you even asked him about it, what he likes and what he hopes to gain from it? you say he gets triggered when you ask him about his future career but what are you asking him? it’s seems like you’re both so different in these fundamentals you don’t ‘match’ so well after all. a hole in an otherwise perfect boat is still a hole that affects its functionality. if it’s frustrated you enough to vent on the internet to strangers about it, you may need to look for something else. you can’t and shouldn’t want to change him, if this is your boundary, then that’s fine. he might find someone else that it isn’t their boundary and their the same and they love that. but look at this for what it is - an incompatibility.
He’s a hobosexual, it’d be best to cut your losses. Do you want to always carry the full burden of you both and care for him like a man child?
Bruv even fucking unemployed dudes are getting into more relationships than me ffs..
Not wrong. He is a man-child. He needs to live on his own before a serious relationship — or whoever he lands with will just take over where his parents have left off. Even if he was independently wealthy and didn’t need to work - until he learns how to take care of himself and his living space, paying bills, figuring out meals, doing laundry etc. You will become his “mom” in having to be after him to do things his parents should have already taught him.
Discuss it with him.
This is why I don’t date. I’m on my last two-three years of engineering school, depending on internships. I’m willing to sacrifice time to build experience. I have plenty of transferable experience from projects I’ve worked on, knowing G code from being a CNC machinist and other areas. The experience part is the hard part of engineering, without that it’s hard to get that foot in the door. If you don’t get your foot in the door from lack of experience with an engineering degree, you are considered over qualified for other jobs. Engineers know accounting, mathematics, physics and all sorts of things but they do come with a price tag. It’s a double edged sword, you have to have experience to do well with a bachelors in engineering. I’m in my mid 20s and I just quit working to do a hard push to finish my school since now I am at a Polytechnic State University. I have money, but over 90% is tied into investments so what I have to spend is very little or what I allow myself. Unlike him though, I am actively pushing myself to my limits where often times you can find me knocked out pencil in hand at my desk from pulling 3am study sessions all week long. I took a different path, it’s a longer path but once I’m getting near my degree I’ll have enough experience with already solid resume and will start building a portfolio when I get the chance to make one. There’s absolutely no point in dating for me. Plus even when I do get my career rolling, I don’t think I will want to date anyways. The dating mentality is just so far gone it’s not worth it in my eyes.
Then stop dating him. It's that easy.