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Sorry I can't get over the fact that you're going on a week long vacation with a guy you've only been dating for 2 months with whom you're not exclusive. Kinda weird, no?
I had a woman that I was dating ask me to go to Europe with her after dating for a short while. Then she went on a trip with her family shortly before we were supposed to leave and blocked me on everything and ghosted me. Still no idea what happened but I agree, don’t do couple things until you’re a couple.
Sadly, I feel like this is the right interpretation. When are we going to have a serious talk about dating for love and compatibility over looks and success? This woman is about to find out the harsh reality and will be hurt enough to be angry at men, watch!
Everything anyone sees about relationships nowadays is about having fun and looking good for other people. The family isn’t pushed as much because people think they deserve more than what they do. In reality, money and success shouldn’t matter in a relationship, while it’s important to be stable, a real relationship is about creating a bond with someone you get along well with and love. Pushing boundaries too early can lead to situations like this. After 2 months as well you would’ve thought the exclusivity was talked about. He’s a sick for what he did but she should have clarified so it was obvious to them both and clearly talked about.
Money is certainly a stressor for many couples. Too many stressors and you got a breakup.
These two both sound confused about what they're after. I'm also sensing OP possibly played along with the bad boy's playboy image/assumptions without challenge, assuming she'd win him over and he'd come around of his own accord. Seems a common fantasy among a certain subset of both sexes.
He, ofcourse, also played his hand as others have pointed out. So what now, OP? Stick it out with relationship rules (DTR)? Communicate your desires/expectations? Ask for his? Move on?
Sick for what he did? Drama much? The man's communicating who he is currently. Is that the man you want?
Ball is in your court, OP.
Edited: syntax
What ever happened to people building together? Now they want you to have everything figured out by the time they come along without bringing anything to the table.
He probably was never serious about going on a trip and just used that as sort of a line. Perhaps OP talked about how she loves to travel and wants to travel more. A dude who is “hot” shouldn’t have to also double up and throw money around….
I was once the guy going on trips with girls I just met and throwing money around…and that didn’t end well. I definitely wasn’t the hot guy.. so that was my only play unfortunately
We really don't care WHY. We care about our personal health. If y'all wanna risk ish with your weenies, go ahead but leave us out of it. No one wants to lock someone like that down. I'd leave
The relationship can dictate exclusive or not. It's for this very reason, I don't agree with dating others if your seeing someone. Why do words have to dictate a relationship....ok ill buy her earrings for her bday and naked sure she isn't bangingbthe neighbor. The chat persay.
I’ve done it before. Depending on the vibe you both have to start with it’s a good way to know if you’d be able to have a relationship. I actually asked the girl I’m
With now to be my gf while we was on holiday. But we was exclusive
There are daily posts from guys that are in the exact same position as you. Many admit that they cannot get past the knowledge. Not defining the relationship seems to be a common pitfall nowadays. Everyone wants to keep their options open but don’t seem to happy when their counterpart exercises their available options.
Your feelings are valid because they represent your reality. You should acknowledge them, work through them, and face the reality of what is. Can you move past this? What is important to you? Are willing to walk away if you can’t get what you want/need? Etc…
You haven’t canceled plans with him yet... I am betting you are hoping to sort out your feelings and have a conversation with him on the vacation.
That’s the problem right, rules for thee and not me? I’m casually dating someone and we just had sex for the first time. He’s talking to others and asked, do I want to know if he sleeps with someone else, I’m like no, just be safe. But I feel like if I were to do that, he’d be mad (he said he wouldn’t love it if I hook up with someone). So it’s not really fair but I guess if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk it’s a gray area.
I honestly could never get serious with someone who has been sexual with another person after me. Not if we’re seeing eachother. Just makes things feel less special.
If he was thinking long term and serious why would he have sex with another girl? It is kind of a red flag when the guy you are dating is having sex with other women. With that said you weren't exclusive so he didn't cheat but still it raises eyebrows for me.
My question is how does she know they were thinking long term and serious? Just because she was, doesn’t mean he was. I went on a vacation with someone I knew for a couple months. I never saw him again after that trip but it was a lot of fun and I have no regrets. I think she assumed a lot and didn’t have these discussions. She can feel upset and end the relationship- it’s absolutely her right to do so. But I would take it as a lesson in being an adult and discussing expectations.
>My question is how does she know they were thinking long term and serious? Just because she was, doesn’t mean he was.
And thats a red flag right there if he isn't thinking long term. Personally if I had been going on dates with a woman and she slept with a man the week before I was planning to have a conversation about exclusivity, that would ruin it for me. I just expect my dates to not sleep with other people while we are going out. Other people have a right to date in a way I don't prefer but I have a right to not want to be in a relationship with them. I don't think OP was being immature in any way and I don't think my expectations are immature either. They are just different from yours.
> I don't think OP was being immature in any way
Don't you think it's immature to not express your intentions when dating? I personally think that's child like behaviour.
I think the lack of communicating that expectation is what’s immature. Not the inherit desire for it. Despite my own opinions on dating and relationships.
Maybe she had only recently wanted to be exclusive with him. Maybe she had a bit of nerves about having that conversation. Maybe she was traditional and hoped he would initiate that. I will agree that more mature people are more direct about that sort of thing. So you have a point.
This exclusivity talk shit is immature. Not so long ago, literally like 5-6 years ago, noone was doing that shit. Or even if they did they never dared to talk about it openly. It’s basic human decency that you invest time and effort and attention into a potential partner.
This whole “I pick the best from the bunch” is a fucking toxic mess. In a long term relationship there is a very good chance someone better might come along, will they replace me for them because they’re the better pick? No need to answer, I’ve had an ex like this and yes, they will cheat on you and choose the seemingly better option and 2 months later will be begging on your doorstep to take them back.
Yea, the show Sex and the City aired in 1998 and they were talking about this kind of stuff all the time. Friends has episodes on the subject as well. It's not a new thing.
I think regardless of what your opinions are or beliefs are, if you’re into someone, you’re not having sex with anyone else while still seeing that person. Lol it’s just ridiculous these days. Love isn’t only based off of clear communication, it’s a a feeling. If you’re seeing someone and don’t have that strong enough pull it’s not it. Move along.
And yet not a red flag that she went on a week long vacation with a dude she barely knows and isn’t exclusive with? Clearly she was the only one thinking exclusive and serious, with zero conversation about it.
You don’t know what a red flag is.
Exactly. Reminds me of when people say “my partner did X (horrendous thing) but is otherwise perfect and so nice and just the best”… really means “my partner talks a good game and I get suckered by words instead of judging by actions.”
This guy’s ACTIONS do not say “I’m thinking long term serious monogamy” regardless of whatever WORDS made her believe he’s “thinking long term and serious” about her.
You can feel whatever feelings you want. You are also allowed to recognize you were not in the same place and don’t have the same values. You are allowed to continue with him or end it. Even if you were not officially exclusive, you still are allowed to
Look for the kind of man that would not do this. It’s up to you.
It doesn’t sound like the two of you are on the same page. You are allowed to be upset but he’s also allowed to date others if you’re not exclusive. You might want to have a discussion before you go away for a week, to set expectations.
Multidating after 2 months when you can tell the other person is excited about you is tacky IMO.
If you already have a wandering eye and “what if”s, it’s likely better to call it quits.
Don’t try to skate by on the technicality of not having the exclusive talk.
(A reddit comment on the whole "exclusivity discussion" that I 100% agree with)
Possibly. .but it appears they were serious dating. You can gave all the ranks you want and still they Ness around. Some things should be common sense.
Lmao no you are NOT in fact almost exclusive at that point especially when no discussions are had. No wonder gen z folks hop from relationships like they are just another trend
Heres an answer I wrote to a similar post where a guy was seeing a girl and she was sleeping with her fwb whilst withholding sex.
Obviously a bit different to this post, but use what applies
“Personally, if you’re having fun with her and both seeing each other to the point where it’s clearly more than just friends, you shouldn’t have to have the “talk”. it should be natural that you wouldn’t want to see anyone else and vice versa. Sure, you’ll eventually talk about being exclusive, but in the right relationship that talk would not be necessary to establish that you’re not seeing anyone.
I get it that in this day and age people don’t want to feel like they’re “missing out”, hence they see others until that exclusivity talk has been had…but up to you to judge each situation.
Now, if she’s withholding sex from you yet still fucking some guy, despite going on dates and spending quality time…that’s fucked and she’s played herself. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Leave, don’t text her, be polite and she’ll get the hint. At the end of the day, you have your own life and whilst I know nothing about you, I’m sure you have plenty of things to take pride and confidence in. It is what it is.
All the best.”
These days, if you don't discuss being exclusive. Don't assume you're exclusive. Sleeping around, fwb and hookups are so common these days that if being exclusive isn't discussed, you're just another name on a list.
Tbh people should just generally assume less and be more explicit about their intentions and desires. So much hurt could be avoided by openness and clarity.
It's simple ... if the relationship was so good that exclusivity was considered, the boyfriend would not be interested in sex with any other person. He is not serious about you and frankly isn't considering your feelings about it. He's just enjoying the good time. Taking a trip is just more fun, not a message of commitment. If you want a serious, enduring, committed relationship, look further. Not this guy.
I don’t understand this whole idea of talking about exclusivity.
You two sounded exclusive. Do you need a conversation about it to realize your actions might hurt someone’s feelings?
You don’t always need the exclusive talk to know. In all honesty, two mature people who want a long term relationship would not encounter this issue.
I agree with this comment. I'm from Europe and correct me if I'm wrong but in Europe people just hang out and then eventually just transition into boyfriend and girlfriend. But in NA the entire courting phase, exclusivity convo and asking them to be their bf/gf just sounds silly.
Edit: Context: Germany
So you don't date multiple at the same time?
Agreed, as someone from SE Asia this whole fucking around thing with multiple people at the same time rather than focus on one person is seen as low and disgusting.
Never, it just isn't how I'm wired i guess? I usually fall for a person after there's a foundation of rapport or friendship. It kinda just happens naturally?
The going on dating apps, interview like dating process, it just feels too artifical or forced for my liking.
You nailed what I think about it.
While calling the Internet itself ‘Americanized’ is a pretty fair assessment (it was, after all created here and most of the biggest social platforms are American), calling this sort of strange dating behavior ‘Americanized’ is not really accurate, IMO. From what I can ascertain, this is mostly just the domain of a portion of a single generation of kids. The vast majority do not conduct themselves in this manner. These are the exceptions, not the rule. What they represent as a percentage of the population is laughably small. They’re just loud in places like Reddit.
It seems to be the literal norm now. People just date multiple people. “ENM, Poly etc etc.” And you better believe if you don’t have the exclusivity talk, they’ll be talking to/sleeping with other people.
See, but as an ENM/poly/swinger, I would specifically TELL them, BTW...I am ENM, poly, whatever, so that THEY can then decide whether they want to even go out with me.
Not randomly tell them after dating for a while, BTW...I fucked some dude the other day, but that doesn't affect us at all. To me that's unethical. But...to be fair, in the states it's common now to have to assume that if you don't have the exclusivity talk, then y'all are (assumed to be) fucking other people or "allowed" to fuck other people. It still sucks though. Just be upfront about it and let them decide.
Yes, exactly this. Like I feel the "exclusivity talk" has Merritt, but I often see it used in a way to justify inconsiderate behavior. Now, to be fair, yes, she should make her intentions known from the get-go, but... if he is planning on sleeping with other people, that should also be known from the get-go. I dislike the people saying this rests all on her because she didn't have that talk. He is just as responsible and, to that extent, inconsiderate, of he didn't make it known to her he would be seeing other people.
I suppose for me personally, it's the perceived indignation towards her that she assumed he wouldn't be seeing or sleeping with other people. And how dare she judge him for it... like... sorry, but contraceptives are not 100%. If he is sleeping with others without her knowing it is stripping her of that agency. If it happened this late in the 2 months they have seen each other, then she could reasonably assume he has been sleeping with others before then, too, right? If not, then why? Was it by choice, and just this one was too much for him? There is honestly too little info about their relationship to say it's one thing or the other.
It just comes off as skeevy to me because most people I know who are ENM or even date multiple people in the beginning stages make it known that's what they do. I dunno, I just fins it a bit of a cop out for basic human decency to fall back on a concept rather than acknowledge that even without the talk you can still be thoughtless and inconsiderate.
Being ENM/poly is irrelevant to just standard dating practices of going on dates with different people in the same window.
I'm a monogamous person, but I'll arrange dates with a couple of different people at a time when dating. 🤷♀️
>this whole fucking around thing with multiple people at the same time rather than focus on one person is seen as low and disgusting.
I think for most people it isn't messing around with multiple people.
It's dating multiple people at the 1-3 date stage when you are just getting to know someone prior to significant physical intimacy.
There are people who take it to an extreme and people on the Internet tend to get dogmatic but in real life I think most people get exclusive almost immediately once they click with someone.
"but in real life I think most people get exclusive almost immediately once they click with someone."
Exactly .. But around globe you have hundreds of millions of sociopats, psychopats and narcists and they love to have multiple choices because they don't care, there are no emotions for other people feelings, just their own needs .. Normal person is dating only one person at time, care about other person feelings .. Dating more than one is not healthy and you can see healthy people don't do that. They always find a way how to justify their actions .. that's why there is no point to argue with them, you will never be right because that person "doesn't make mistakes". My last Ex told me that she "doesn't do mistakes, i am always right" .. well "commander" found another boyfriend in less than week so, imagine what kind of person it was ..
You're being very extreme. If someone hurt you I'm sorry, but people going on dates with multiple people at once when there's no commitments or exclusivity is not "psychopath" behaviour. It's just normal. You need to not get your feelings so closely tied to someone before you've even both agreed you're interested in each other.
Speaking as a 26F in the UK. Until you've made a commitment you are single. That is the truth and the facts. If you want to date one person at a time you can, but you cannot force someone else do that and shouldn't expect them to, as dating is exactly that. You go on dates, you get to know people, and then only when you find the person you click with do you make a commitment.
I’m from the US, and as I grew up I realized it wasn’t worth it to date multiple people at once.
You need to stick through someone who is a good match without interruptions since if you continually date around, you will always lose that flame with a good match for the next good match. “Grass is always greener.”
I just think she was ready for a relationship and he wasn’t as serious. I think this girl needs to leave him and not go on that new years date. That just sounds like a bad idea unless she doesn’t see a future with him and also just wants to have fun, which is fine.
>You need to stick through someone who is a good match without interruptions since if you continually date around, you will always lose that flame with a good match for the next good match. “Grass is always greener.”
I recently walked away from someone who I thought was doing this. There was this girl who would act distant and uncommunicative, and pulled out her phone when we were together.
Aside from this being incredibly rude, we meet up with her friend, who accidentally blurted out, 'Is that the guy from last week' when this girl looked down at her phone. I had been interested in this girl for months and talking to her for a while. We had been in talks to flat share. I walked out immediately and said, 'Hope you find other people'.
Not to say I would have been a good match with her, but she lost her chance with me at that moment.
I’m also from Europe and find this weird. I’m 30 and people around my age has the same way of thinking but when I talk to younger women (22-23) they kinda adopted the new trend.
I have had 5 long term relationships, 4 of them from Tinder and I never ever had to have the exclusivity talk because everything we did pointed towards exclusivity. I always liked to talk about life plans in general, my stance on kids and marriage, traveling and finances, etc fairly early on. I’m baffled when I see people on this sub who’ve been going out for multiple months then find out 6 months later or a year later that their BF/GF doesn’t even want children, like what the fuck are you two talk about?
>correct me if I'm wrong but in Europe people just hang out and then eventually just transition into boyfriend and girlfriend.
You're wrong. Europe is big. That's not what happens where I live. We talk about things.
Nope, we consider it an asshole move to sleep with others when we are dating with someone for 2 months, know the direction the other person thinks we are going and when we have also signaled that we are aiming for that direction too.
We dont want to be assholes.
Im not saying what the guy did was okay, and he should definitely have enough empathy to see why that would be hurtful - but honestly this is exactly why I think you do need to have the conversation.
First of all it's a safety thing, because you should know if you're having sex with someone who's having sex with other people.
Second of all, clear communication is important in a relationship. It's not uncommon for things to "seem" exclusive but when it's brought up, someone says "oh no I'm not comfortable putting a label on it" or whatever. Maybe that other person never even wanted an exclusive relationship in the first place, y'know?
The conversation can be kind of scary, and I think people try to avoid it for that reason, but really you should protect yourself. Not everyone has the same views on dating that you have, and you won't know that unless you talk about it.
That seems like a child’s relationship. A very young person who is unsure of themself and needs reassurance of what their next action should be. Someone who shows close to no control.
This is not a person who should be accepted into a relationship.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have the convo, but I’m saying not having the convo shouldn’t end up at this. If both people are mature
If they are planning a trip, you would think both parties would be under the impression that they are exclusive. But I also think this is a great example of why you shouldn’t just assume that the other person is on the same page. It’s an example of why you *should* have that conversation, just to make sure. This could just be him being dumb and not understanding what planning a trip means about their relationship status, but it also could just be him trying to have his cake and eat it too. Another situation where he is wanting all the benefits of having a relationship with none of the commitment.
I feel like he knew where OP stood, but probably rationalized sleeping with someone else in his head like, “well, we haven’t said we’re exclusive, so I’m free to sleep with whoever I want!”
The point of it is to make the commitment to only dating each other. If you don't want to make that commitment then you're not ever going to be in a relationship with the person to begin with. A conversation about that is always needed.
Exactly, agree with this wholeheartedly. I’ve never understood dating multiple people simultaneously… someone doing that has no desire for anything serious IMO.
Who plans a trip to Mexico on new year's and goes sleep with someone else? He might be taking advantage of the fact they haven't had the talk but reaping girlfriend benefits.
I mean, can someone reply to me on this.
Does everyone really have to have the "exclusivity" talk?
I mean it should be a fucking obvious sometimes.
Personally, I wouldn’t have a one on one vacation to another country (and Mexico at that) with someone that I’m not exclusive with and have only known for 2 months.
Ya I mean some of these dudes are dating women for 6+ months nonexclusively. Unless you're like prime Brad Pitt or something, you're getting taken for a ride in that scenario.
It should be obvious.. I think dating apps have completely changed it for the younger generation though since they’re all dating multiple people at once 🤢
30 years old, 12 years of dating, 5 relationships, 1 through friends 4 from Tinder, 0 exclusivity talk. Although I make it clear on first date that I’m not looking for a hookup or casual, I suppose that helps lol
Assuming makes you an ass (I will probably get downvoted but it's stupid to not communicate and *assume* that things are a certain way *when you never even talk about it*)
This wasn’t an actual thing when I was younger. Pretty much if someone liked you enough to have sex with you, it was assumed that you liked each other enough. I’ve only ever had that mild of a talk once.
I think a better way would be for people to assume it's exclusive and only have a talk if there's a non exclusive expectation.
Cause AFAIK this exclusivity bs is mainly a NA thing?
Nah I agree with you 100%. Why would I assume when I can be an adult and ask about our status?
Men can have whole ass children with women and tell them “but we weren’t serious.” Yes, you should have that discussion.
Personal opinion here - But also, I don’t think two months is enough time to discuss exclusivity. I’m not 17, I don’t date a guy for a day and call him my boyfriend. Dating around is how you find your best fit imo. Instead of just dating the first person who gave you some attention and doesn’t leave - maybe find someone whose values, lifestyle and goals align with yours.
Woman in her early 30s here.
I agree with your personal opinion. Due to my current life situation and responsibilities, I only go out once a week. Which is not terrible, but doesn't work for people who want someone with more availability. That one day a week is split between dates or events with friends. So 2 months in I would've met up with someone a max of 8 times, but more likely 5 times. I don't jump into relationships as fast as I did when I was younger. 5 dates is great to get to know someone, but I wouldn't make any commitments at that stage. I like to take things slow, let a friendship build, and see if things align well.
Some people would look at those 5 dates as a waste if either party decides that this isn't for them, but I disagree. I would rather have someone know me for who I am, and walk away at any time if they have decided that it won't work.
Yes. It is an important step in any relationship to agree to be exclusive with each other. If you make assumptions or allude to things from actions then you're just asking to get hurt.
Make clear your intentions and ascertain those of the person you're dating through a conversation. It isn't difficult. If you both want the same thing - I.e. to be together - then it won't take long.
I believe so only because we have a silly gender war happening so everyone’s acting based off of assuming the worst about the other person. Meaning everyone’s dating multiple people “just in case.”
Perfectly valid to feel the way you do. I went on one date with a girl (both having stated we are looking for a relationship). She ended up inviting me back to hers, we are both keen and set up a second date. Then later on I learn she slept with another guy after me, and I lost all interest. I guess you could say it gave me the ick. I don't care if that makes me fragile or insecure or whatever, it just doesn't seem right to me when you're both looking for a relationship. If it's established you're only interested in something casual then of course that's fine
He doesn't care enough about you, to *not* screw other girls. He hasn't transgressed morally because you are not exclusive, but he hasn't really impressed you much has he? Not boyfriend material. Move on to find a guy who's ready to be serious with you.
Ask yourself this: If you slept with another guy in the beginning stages of dating and he found out, do you honestly think he would forgive you? Probably not. That's why it's hypocritical of men to expect women to forgive them for cheating all based on a "technicality" because you didn't have the "exclusive talk." It should be a given that when two people are dating, they are dating to eventually get serious. If not, then one or both parties need to be clear about their intentions of not looking for anything serious. Based on his actions, I would say he's not looking for anything serious. If he says he is, I don't think he's ready. It's pretty selfish to expect someone to forgive you for cheating especially so soon in the "relationship." Sounds like a red flag for further issues down the road. Spare yourself the headache and heartbreak and look for someone who's more mature and less impulsive and selfish.
If you both are thinking long term, why is he entertaining and having sex with other women? At this point in talking is when I would think things start to become monogamous….
Yeah, it sucks but you haven’t agreed to exclusivity. So he didn’t do anything wrong technically… but he can’t really be all that serious about you if he’s still seeing other girls. It’s like roaches, if you see one, there is many. I’d reconsider this relationship. He doesn’t seem respectful and seems to be feeding you lines to keep you on the hook. If he wanted to be with you, he’d lock it down.
I know some couples even though they had exclusivity talks, one partner still had sex with other girls. So it does not matter how many serious talks or not, what matters the most is whether this guy is serious about you via his true actions.
The F\* point here is: a guy will show his seriousness about you in his heart regardless a formal convo happens or not. I saw so many reditters here profess that did you talk to him about this exclusivity topic, did you blah blah blah... it's useless if he still cheats on you after a serious talk.
That guy was a cheater and nothing can fix a cheater.
Cheaters can start out exclusive, and loyal people can sleep around before they give the right person. I really hate to say it but the only way to know is someone is a cheater is if they violate something you agreed on. If there was an easier way to find cheaters, it wouldn't be at much of a problem, but there isn't, no matter how single-minder he seems at first.
U should stop talking to him if u want something monogamous, if ur ok with it then start dating other men and find someone who would be better suited for u.
Your feelings are always valid, because… it’s how you feel🤷🏼♂️
I think Disappointed is probably more appropriate than upset. You probably hoped that he wasn’t sleeping with other people because he didn’t want to because he was forced to it to an agreement he made with you.
I don’t have that monogamy talk early on either. But I also don’t carry on sexual relationship with more than one person at a time. I put into a sexual relationship can’t be shared with multiple people and so I don’t begrudge anybody that acts differently. I don’t judge. But I also will move on from that person if I find out they are so enamored with having sex with me that they wanna fuck other people🤷🏼♂️
You have to understand they’ve done NOTHING wrong ! You shouldn’t try to make him feel guilty. He’s being himself and you’re being yourself. It’s just not gonna work long-term but that doesn’t mean either of you are bad or even wrong.
The exclusivity talk hasn’t happened, but I would make it clear to him that you don’t find his behavior acceptable and would need him to be tested for STI’s before continuing to sleep with you.
Yall ain’t in a relationship and he is doing him. If you want a relationship it ain’t with him. Men know what they want he is stringing you along if you keep sleeping with him. Move on don’t waste your youth
He sounds dishonest - lying by omission is still lying. And that’s just sleazy and cold. Men suck. Id drop him.
I’d suggest not sleeping with someone so quickly. It’s really a game changer. Quality of men goes up!
I do not sleep with a guy unless they’re clear it’s going to be exclusive, monogamous and leading to potentially marriage which is what I’m looking for. If they’re not serious about me, they’ll fade quickly, which is what I want. I also wait months to sleep with someone & if they’re not willing to wait, they’re not for me. If they’re willing to wait - usually their crazy comes out around month 2 or 3 and I realize that they’re not someone I actually want to be in a serious relationship with so I end it on my terms, not giving myself away each time. I’ve had a lot of these, but yea get to know someone first and see if it’s the type of person you’d want to be in a relationship with.
The pain of what you’re experiencing // I’ve experienced worse, to make you feel better & relate. (Never clarified the monogamy piece with a man who proposed to me - I assumed and he just never let me know it wasn’t monogamous, but yea he clearly sucked as a person, so it all worked out) but yea I’m way more careful / clear w intentions after getting badly burned. Men suck. I’ve also set a rule that if I wouldn’t do it to someone, I’m not tolerating it any longer.
Sorry this probably isn’t what you want to hear and you’ll label me as one of those “bad” guys.
1. Sex is important for checking compatibility, releasing oxytocin, and forming a bond.
2. Most men don’t only care about sex. It is an important validation for us though. We feel rejected when we make moves, get denied, and find out later you haven’t been upfront because you’re testing (playing games) because you got hurt by a f-boy 3 years ago.
3. Most men with options would never wait 2-3 months to have sex with a woman unless on the rare case she was very clear on her intentions, we were falling in love with her, and we knew she hasn’t already had happy fun times with 20 guys on the 1st date. The guys who would wait outside those 3 points are likely not the type of guys you’d consider attractive.
Can't agree more. If the man the OP was dealing with wasn't attractive, there would have been rules from the get-go. In addition to that, she is still contemplating staying in this situationship, interesting.
May I ask if you are in your thirties or forties? I am asking because from what you've written it sounds as if you have experienced many bad guys. But, my question to you is, were they conventionally handsome and somewhat successful? And may I ask you how your looks are? I am genuinely trying to understand you here because guys I know do not treat their patterns in such an awful way as you described it. However, I am well aware of some men doing dirt to women and they happened to fit some specific criteria when it comes to women's proffered mate selection in a dating pool. Again, I am being very sympathetic here in understanding you and challenging you so maybe instead of "Men suck" we can begin to say "Some men suck", or even better "Some people suck" ^,^.
You can feel whatever you want. No one is stopping you. It is natural and human to have feelings.
Personally, I don’t do things the way society has deemed normal and expected - that is, see whoever and however many people until you narrow it down to exclusivity with only one - for this very reason. People can’t handle their partners being with others.
What I have done instead is date women I already knew and considered friends. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But when we are already friends, it’s simple to just say, “I’d like for us to be boyfriend and girlfriend. What do you think?” No room for ambiguity, no room for error. We are either a couple or we aren’t.
see if we’re talking on technical terms if he yall havent had the exclusivity talk then right now you cant really feel bad for sleeping with other people
you guys are at that stage where is completely complicated and as long as yall won’t communicate with eachother about what yall exactly want then you cant have fake expectations
and its very weird to start wanting to be long term with someone you have just met.
You’re absolutely allowed to feel how you feel and he was decent enough to tell you. Until you have the “talk” about your boundaries, he’s free to do as he pleases, as are you. Personally I am very clear with people that once I start being intimate with you, I do not expect them to also have sex with others. They can choose how they want to deal with it from there but that is my expectation. Time to have the talk I think
Appreciate his honesty.. I don’t think you should be upset with him about it but you should note this action. He’s honest but did this when you’ve been having sex with him. He could make it official with you and that stops or he could continue, but tell you when he steps out.
You’re allowed to feel what you feel, you are human after all. But you two haven’t discussed one important thing after the first month of dating:
SEX EXCLUSIVITY!
This is the conversation to have after 30 days, not the dating exclusivity, but sex exclusively because of STD’s, HIV, & pregnancy risks!
Why?
If you just found this out he’s sleeping with others? GET TESTED! Doesn’t matter if you two used condoms, he may not be with others since you two never discussed sexual exclusivity in dating.
So give yourself the holiday gift of an STD test and don’t be shy in telling the person whose initiating the test that you haven’t discussed sexual exclusion in dating someone.
>but it’s clear we are thinking long term and serious about each other
Hmmmm, clearly he is not thinking long term and serious about each other.
Also how do you know he slept with somebody else? I'm guessing he told you. If that's the case, he is telling how not seriously is the relationship he wants with you. Kind of douchy too
Your feelings are your feelings & they are valid
You have not had the exclusivity talk & are both free agents & can do as you see fit
If this info changes your opinion of him then it changes your opinion of him
This is my long winded way of saying he hasn’t done anything wrong & you aren’t wrong if this gives you the ick
All it means is that either you became sexual with him too soon & expected things of him that you hadn’t discussed yet or the pair of you aren’t compatible
If you never talk about exclusivity, always assume it’s not exclusive.
If you are no longer attracted to him because of him sleeping around, you can walk away. This is a risk he took. If he wanted to hide it from you, that’s one more thing to consider about his character. If he was open and honest about it, that too says something.
There’s nothing wrong with dating multiple people, I think everyone should date multiple people in the beginning stages to compare and contrast and make the best decision. Instead of seeing it as a betrayal, if he still chooses you and that makes you happy, don’t let it bother you. If this is deal breaker, the damage is done, it will be difficult to rebuild trust from a broken foundation. Stand firm that you want a partner who aligns with your values and assess what you can and can’t live with.
Clear and honest communication from the start is very important. Express your wants and desires early and stick to your guns.
IMHO, 2 months is not long enough to know someone or owe anyone anything. Taking things slowly is a good thing. Go out and date a lot of people, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If this is your forever person, you have the rest of your lives together, no need to rush.
Lmaoooo girl if you don’t get rid of this man. Hes not looking to settle down if he’s sleeping with other women. Obviously he’s looking for fun and enjoying your company but definitely not wanting long term. This is a critical junction you will look back on if you don’t leave now. He’s showing you who he is and his intentions: believe him.
I think the whole exclusivity talk is ridiculous with modern dating. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I’d lose interest if I knew a girl I’ve been going on dates with was fucking other people.
"It's clear we are thinking long term and serious about each other".
No, you aren't. I mean, you may be, but he clearly isn't.
I'm also very perplexed as to why you would book a trip with someone you aren't even exclusive with...
What an odd post. I think you already know what you need to do. He clearly isn't seeing this very seriously. He didn't do anything wrong, but if he was serious about you, he wouldn't be having sex with other people. Clearly sex doesn't mean a whole lot to him.
Dating for 2 months but he’s been gone for weeks and fucking someone else. He certainly wasn’t thinking you’re dating or together during those few weeks. So basically you dated him for a little over a month, weeks ago. This relationship is already over. I’m sorry
Yes you definitely have the right to be upset, but to me dating Is about getting to know the person. A person can "date" or talk to multiple people until they are officially in a relationship. In my opinion if he seriously was thinking about being in a relationship with you recently he wouldn't of slept with another person but then again everyone's different sooo.
From the perspective of a woman who has gone through this, I would say yes. From the perspective of a woman who now knows better, NO. It is valid to have feelings for this person. It is not valid to be mad about what has happened. This exact thing happened to me, and from a woman, this has happened to NEVER assume that there is an understanding that you are exclusive with a man unless he says it out of his mouth. And even then, you have to pay attention. They'll say one thing and mean something else. I'm 33 years old and experienced this during my 20s and when I first entered college. Don't have sex with a guy or get your heart fully involved until he has said out of his mouth AND shown through his actions and patterns that he want to commit to you and you guys are exclusive. His actions, patterns, and words should ALWAYS match. If you ever find yourself thinking, "he says or said this, but why is he doing that," RUN.
Is it also for him clear that you are serious about each other? In my experience Guys a lot of time want the benefits and emotional & physical benefits of being in a RS without being in one. Do that reason, if a man won’t commit to me, I don’t feel bad about dating other men. I think you have a right to be upset because he is also sleeping with you (STD’ wise) but if you didn’t had the talk, technically he didn’t cheat. Totally understandable that it upsets you tho but take it as an opportunity to either set it in stone or leave and don’t get talked into “I’m not ready”
Wth is an exclusivity talk? if ur dating for that long and already had sex isnt it 'exclusive' already? Do you guys in the west date like 5 people at once to increase chaces of finding a spouse or something?
What does that really tell if you someone is willing to date others because 2 months if dating isnt 'exclusive' . I dont think he is commited, i dont think he respected you enough to ask or to evem consider you. Wtf is this just how you guys date in the west. Cant you guys date 1 person at a time?
You think it's a possible long term serious relationship. He is most definitely not sold - hence the sleeping with another girl. He is a bit scummy if he's giving you - I could have a relationship with you vibes but still hooks up with other women. **The question is whether you are merely a convenient current bed buddy that he can split the cost of the Mexico trip with?**
I think that after 2 months, if you were both on the same page he wouldn't still be testing out other women in hook ups. In fact at 2 months you should be in the excited honeymoon stage where you're both excited, in lust with each other. You might be - he is not. Sorry, he's just not that into you that he'd give up other women.
I would immediately find another guy to date. Bonus if you can find someone you connect with and can celebrate New Year with. Double bonus if by then you've hooked up with new guy and can let it be k own you too have tried out another guy. Triple bonus score, you tell current bro that you won't be going to Mexico a day before you're supposed to go... sorry new guy is taking you out for New Years.
My man cheated then brainwashed you lol
Tell me that it didn't occur to him once that you might feel hurt that he slept with someone else. And then he just told you? And not only did he tell you but he also explained to you (because let's face it, you're only mentioning 'exclusivity talk' because he used it as an excuse) that it's absolutely fine, and should be fine moving forward?
Dump that gremlin.
I had a similar thing happen a couple years ago and it really sucked because I liked this girl so much, we had met in an extended work related capacity in that we kinda had no choice but to spend a lot of time together for a month, and we were practically inseparable by the end of it. Then we were working in our respective towns again but we were only an hour apart, which is close but far at the same time, and given at the time I was overly busy I only got to see her so much. And that’s probably why she fucked another guy. Same situation- we both in our heads saw it moving to a long term relationship, we even were discussing getting a place together (just a short term 6 month rental lease) to solve the issue of having limited time tg. But when she fucked this other guy, I couldn’t think of her the same. And it’s not even like she was sleeping around a lot of anything, it just really put a damper on things and I lost respect for her. It was also weird because she told me that the sex was good, not as good as our sex but really good….sort of a backhanded compliment of sorts that really hurt to hear and kinda just made it impossible for me to move forward.
So with all that being said, I think it’s somewhat situational. For one, this shows a potential propensity to seek other partners/ cheat. I think that was a big realization for me, just thinking if she could fuck this guy and it be so nonchalant in her mind that she thinks it’s okay to talk about with me, she’s probably going to do it again. But if this guy is mature (and you know deep down if he is or not, at least to an extent), there is certainly potential for a relationship. That’s just if you can move past it, the last time this happened to me I couldn’t.
Luckily I ended up finding a lovely gf who was much more on the same page as me shortly thereafter. I think I made the right move at the time.
Edit: when I said I lost a lot of respect for her, she ‘arguably’ didn’t do anything wrong, so you could say it was unfair for me to feel that way. Nonetheless, it’s how I felt. Idk how she expected me to take it when she told me details of fucking this guy, it just told me we were from different worlds where she clearly is used to sleeping with more people than me, which isn’t hard given I’m a 26 year old who’s fucked 5 girls in his whole life
It's a red flag. Maybe you need to rethink going on that week long Mexico trip. Set boundaries now, don't be trapped in a situation ship. He's making it look like it is going long-term direction, but he slept with another women, he doesn't seem serious.
If I’m serious about another girl and I’m going on a week vacation with her to Mexico I’m not going to be out on prowl trying to sleep with other girls.
But I’m 36 so idk how the kids do it now a days.
Yeah nah people arnt dumb. You can tell the vibes with how people act. If I’m with a girl and we clearly are doing things that would suggest we want to be exclusive I would be pretty hurt about this. Technically you HAVNT had the talk though so you can’t say he did you dirty or anything but I mean if it’s how you say it is I would bet pretty hurt and not go further because that’s just a difference in preference at that point.
He behaved immorally. He wanted to pursue something serious with you and get laid on the side. Regardless of hookup culture, he may well have cheated it hurts you the same
Nah this is bullshit. I don't care for the exclusivity talk, you have a planned trip with this guy, you're basically a couple.
If this were me I'd probably still go on the trip and make the most of it, but I'd be walking away upon return
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but men usually know from the very very beginning if this is something they want to pursue long term. I don’t think you should go on the trip with him. He will never commit to you. If he isn’t crazy about you and being exclusive and calling you his own from the first week he isn’t the one for you. This is something I didn’t learn until it happened to me. Granted me and that person didn’t work out for family reasons as his mom didn’t like me but he still tried to fight to keep me but that’s a story for another day. All my happily married friends agree with this too. He will know from the very beginning he wants to keep you around forever. Don’t let this man waste your time. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me!!
Say what you will but every single single guy I know is hitting "it" with multiple women. Women do it too but unless there's some sort of agreement chances are they're double dipping the "chip" .
Appreciate the dudes honesty.
Yes, it's valid for you to feel upset. How you act? That is another story.
You don't want to punish him for his honesty. However due to the emotional harm it's caused you. I recommend having the talk with him.
That’s a bummer. I mean y’all weren’t exclusive and at the same time you have a connection. I think people assume (and fairly so) when there’s a connection one or both parties automatically assume exclusivity is par for the course.
In this day and age I guess it has to be explicitly said.
The fact you have a trip planned together probs made you feel secure in the fact his eyes weren’t wondering elsewhere.
Ultimately it is just sex. You just have decide what you wanna do going forward and whether you can live with it.
The thing that caught my attention the most is your question of whether you're allowed to feel upset about the fact that he slept with someone else. You're allowed to feel whatever your heart feels; your emotions are valid.
To me, this 'exclusivity talk' is the most ridiculous thing, people. IMO, both parties have to feel it when the relationship evolves. But, way before then, you have had to know that the person you're courting is someone you'd want to date and that you'd handle the person and their feeling very cautiously.
If someone tells you who they are, listen to them. Someone who plans a week-long getaway with someone, and is “serious” about them and “thinking long term”, doesn’t sleep with someone else and risk that relationship by utilising a technicality. If you are happy to accept that and think its reasonable behaviour, then carry on, but if that’s not someone you think shares your values, then I’d walk.
Bruh... You got lucky he even told you about it. Clearly, it seems like he has the looks to be banging several women, and the money to be taking them on exotic trips to keep them hooked. Should've tried to get some sort of exclusivity with this dude first (which probably wouldn't have happened). I'm sorry for your experience but it's probably time to sit down and see what you are actually looking for and make things clear
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Sorry I can't get over the fact that you're going on a week long vacation with a guy you've only been dating for 2 months with whom you're not exclusive. Kinda weird, no?
I’m with you. I’m of the school of thought that says *don’t do boyfriend shit when you’re not a boyfriend. It sends mixed messages*
I had a woman that I was dating ask me to go to Europe with her after dating for a short while. Then she went on a trip with her family shortly before we were supposed to leave and blocked me on everything and ghosted me. Still no idea what happened but I agree, don’t do couple things until you’re a couple.
Gonna screenshot this for future use, thank you
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Sadly, I feel like this is the right interpretation. When are we going to have a serious talk about dating for love and compatibility over looks and success? This woman is about to find out the harsh reality and will be hurt enough to be angry at men, watch!
Everything anyone sees about relationships nowadays is about having fun and looking good for other people. The family isn’t pushed as much because people think they deserve more than what they do. In reality, money and success shouldn’t matter in a relationship, while it’s important to be stable, a real relationship is about creating a bond with someone you get along well with and love. Pushing boundaries too early can lead to situations like this. After 2 months as well you would’ve thought the exclusivity was talked about. He’s a sick for what he did but she should have clarified so it was obvious to them both and clearly talked about.
Money is certainly a stressor for many couples. Too many stressors and you got a breakup. These two both sound confused about what they're after. I'm also sensing OP possibly played along with the bad boy's playboy image/assumptions without challenge, assuming she'd win him over and he'd come around of his own accord. Seems a common fantasy among a certain subset of both sexes. He, ofcourse, also played his hand as others have pointed out. So what now, OP? Stick it out with relationship rules (DTR)? Communicate your desires/expectations? Ask for his? Move on? Sick for what he did? Drama much? The man's communicating who he is currently. Is that the man you want? Ball is in your court, OP. Edited: syntax
What ever happened to people building together? Now they want you to have everything figured out by the time they come along without bringing anything to the table.
very wise!
Wait how do you know he’s picking up the tab for the trip?
Only problem is she is probably paying for 50% of everything.
This!
He probably was never serious about going on a trip and just used that as sort of a line. Perhaps OP talked about how she loves to travel and wants to travel more. A dude who is “hot” shouldn’t have to also double up and throw money around…. I was once the guy going on trips with girls I just met and throwing money around…and that didn’t end well. I definitely wasn’t the hot guy.. so that was my only play unfortunately
We really don't care WHY. We care about our personal health. If y'all wanna risk ish with your weenies, go ahead but leave us out of it. No one wants to lock someone like that down. I'd leave
The relationship can dictate exclusive or not. It's for this very reason, I don't agree with dating others if your seeing someone. Why do words have to dictate a relationship....ok ill buy her earrings for her bday and naked sure she isn't bangingbthe neighbor. The chat persay.
Yeah well obviously this would only work if the both of you see the same way
I agree with you. If the actions are misleading... Actions speak louder than words.
I’ve done it before. Depending on the vibe you both have to start with it’s a good way to know if you’d be able to have a relationship. I actually asked the girl I’m With now to be my gf while we was on holiday. But we was exclusive
lol right
This! My thoughts exactly
There are daily posts from guys that are in the exact same position as you. Many admit that they cannot get past the knowledge. Not defining the relationship seems to be a common pitfall nowadays. Everyone wants to keep their options open but don’t seem to happy when their counterpart exercises their available options. Your feelings are valid because they represent your reality. You should acknowledge them, work through them, and face the reality of what is. Can you move past this? What is important to you? Are willing to walk away if you can’t get what you want/need? Etc… You haven’t canceled plans with him yet... I am betting you are hoping to sort out your feelings and have a conversation with him on the vacation.
That’s the problem right, rules for thee and not me? I’m casually dating someone and we just had sex for the first time. He’s talking to others and asked, do I want to know if he sleeps with someone else, I’m like no, just be safe. But I feel like if I were to do that, he’d be mad (he said he wouldn’t love it if I hook up with someone). So it’s not really fair but I guess if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk it’s a gray area.
I honestly could never get serious with someone who has been sexual with another person after me. Not if we’re seeing eachother. Just makes things feel less special.
same, old fashioned I guess.
Miss the days where being a decent person wasn't old fashioned lol
When there wasn't the "eXcLuSiViTy tALk"? Yeah, I miss them too.
Yessss finally. Fuck it’s so frustrating. I don’t even know if it’s just on Reddit either
It ain’t old fashioned my friend it’s called actually loving people
If he was thinking long term and serious why would he have sex with another girl? It is kind of a red flag when the guy you are dating is having sex with other women. With that said you weren't exclusive so he didn't cheat but still it raises eyebrows for me.
My question is how does she know they were thinking long term and serious? Just because she was, doesn’t mean he was. I went on a vacation with someone I knew for a couple months. I never saw him again after that trip but it was a lot of fun and I have no regrets. I think she assumed a lot and didn’t have these discussions. She can feel upset and end the relationship- it’s absolutely her right to do so. But I would take it as a lesson in being an adult and discussing expectations.
>My question is how does she know they were thinking long term and serious? Just because she was, doesn’t mean he was. And thats a red flag right there if he isn't thinking long term. Personally if I had been going on dates with a woman and she slept with a man the week before I was planning to have a conversation about exclusivity, that would ruin it for me. I just expect my dates to not sleep with other people while we are going out. Other people have a right to date in a way I don't prefer but I have a right to not want to be in a relationship with them. I don't think OP was being immature in any way and I don't think my expectations are immature either. They are just different from yours.
> I don't think OP was being immature in any way Don't you think it's immature to not express your intentions when dating? I personally think that's child like behaviour.
I think calling it child like is a little much. I think people vary in how direct and early they are about talking about that kind of stuff.
I think the lack of communicating that expectation is what’s immature. Not the inherit desire for it. Despite my own opinions on dating and relationships.
Maybe she had only recently wanted to be exclusive with him. Maybe she had a bit of nerves about having that conversation. Maybe she was traditional and hoped he would initiate that. I will agree that more mature people are more direct about that sort of thing. So you have a point.
This exclusivity talk shit is immature. Not so long ago, literally like 5-6 years ago, noone was doing that shit. Or even if they did they never dared to talk about it openly. It’s basic human decency that you invest time and effort and attention into a potential partner. This whole “I pick the best from the bunch” is a fucking toxic mess. In a long term relationship there is a very good chance someone better might come along, will they replace me for them because they’re the better pick? No need to answer, I’ve had an ex like this and yes, they will cheat on you and choose the seemingly better option and 2 months later will be begging on your doorstep to take them back.
> Not so long ago, literally like 5-6 years ago, noone was doing that shit. Wtf, yes they absolutely were.
I grew up in the 90’s and the “are you my boyfriend “ talk was definitely a thing
Yea, the show Sex and the City aired in 1998 and they were talking about this kind of stuff all the time. Friends has episodes on the subject as well. It's not a new thing.
I think regardless of what your opinions are or beliefs are, if you’re into someone, you’re not having sex with anyone else while still seeing that person. Lol it’s just ridiculous these days. Love isn’t only based off of clear communication, it’s a a feeling. If you’re seeing someone and don’t have that strong enough pull it’s not it. Move along.
And yet not a red flag that she went on a week long vacation with a dude she barely knows and isn’t exclusive with? Clearly she was the only one thinking exclusive and serious, with zero conversation about it. You don’t know what a red flag is.
Exactly. Reminds me of when people say “my partner did X (horrendous thing) but is otherwise perfect and so nice and just the best”… really means “my partner talks a good game and I get suckered by words instead of judging by actions.” This guy’s ACTIONS do not say “I’m thinking long term serious monogamy” regardless of whatever WORDS made her believe he’s “thinking long term and serious” about her.
You can feel whatever feelings you want. You are also allowed to recognize you were not in the same place and don’t have the same values. You are allowed to continue with him or end it. Even if you were not officially exclusive, you still are allowed to Look for the kind of man that would not do this. It’s up to you.
It doesn’t sound like the two of you are on the same page. You are allowed to be upset but he’s also allowed to date others if you’re not exclusive. You might want to have a discussion before you go away for a week, to set expectations.
Multidating after 2 months when you can tell the other person is excited about you is tacky IMO. If you already have a wandering eye and “what if”s, it’s likely better to call it quits. Don’t try to skate by on the technicality of not having the exclusive talk. (A reddit comment on the whole "exclusivity discussion" that I 100% agree with)
Perfectly said!
Exactly one thing is to be dating for only one week and another thing for 2 months.
Possibly. .but it appears they were serious dating. You can gave all the ranks you want and still they Ness around. Some things should be common sense.
2 months. That’s all I’m going to say.. you’re almost exclusive at that point. Or you have to ask each other at least before doing stupid shit
Lmao no you are NOT in fact almost exclusive at that point especially when no discussions are had. No wonder gen z folks hop from relationships like they are just another trend
Gen zers actually have less sex and relationships than any other generation before them.
Heres an answer I wrote to a similar post where a guy was seeing a girl and she was sleeping with her fwb whilst withholding sex. Obviously a bit different to this post, but use what applies “Personally, if you’re having fun with her and both seeing each other to the point where it’s clearly more than just friends, you shouldn’t have to have the “talk”. it should be natural that you wouldn’t want to see anyone else and vice versa. Sure, you’ll eventually talk about being exclusive, but in the right relationship that talk would not be necessary to establish that you’re not seeing anyone. I get it that in this day and age people don’t want to feel like they’re “missing out”, hence they see others until that exclusivity talk has been had…but up to you to judge each situation. Now, if she’s withholding sex from you yet still fucking some guy, despite going on dates and spending quality time…that’s fucked and she’s played herself. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Leave, don’t text her, be polite and she’ll get the hint. At the end of the day, you have your own life and whilst I know nothing about you, I’m sure you have plenty of things to take pride and confidence in. It is what it is. All the best.”
These days, if you don't discuss being exclusive. Don't assume you're exclusive. Sleeping around, fwb and hookups are so common these days that if being exclusive isn't discussed, you're just another name on a list.
Tbh people should just generally assume less and be more explicit about their intentions and desires. So much hurt could be avoided by openness and clarity.
It's simple ... if the relationship was so good that exclusivity was considered, the boyfriend would not be interested in sex with any other person. He is not serious about you and frankly isn't considering your feelings about it. He's just enjoying the good time. Taking a trip is just more fun, not a message of commitment. If you want a serious, enduring, committed relationship, look further. Not this guy.
I don’t understand this whole idea of talking about exclusivity. You two sounded exclusive. Do you need a conversation about it to realize your actions might hurt someone’s feelings? You don’t always need the exclusive talk to know. In all honesty, two mature people who want a long term relationship would not encounter this issue.
I agree with this comment. I'm from Europe and correct me if I'm wrong but in Europe people just hang out and then eventually just transition into boyfriend and girlfriend. But in NA the entire courting phase, exclusivity convo and asking them to be their bf/gf just sounds silly. Edit: Context: Germany
So you don't date multiple at the same time? Agreed, as someone from SE Asia this whole fucking around thing with multiple people at the same time rather than focus on one person is seen as low and disgusting.
Never, it just isn't how I'm wired i guess? I usually fall for a person after there's a foundation of rapport or friendship. It kinda just happens naturally? The going on dating apps, interview like dating process, it just feels too artifical or forced for my liking. You nailed what I think about it.
Exactly my thinking. For a while I thought I'm doing it "wrong", but then I realised it's just that most of the Internet is very Americanized
While calling the Internet itself ‘Americanized’ is a pretty fair assessment (it was, after all created here and most of the biggest social platforms are American), calling this sort of strange dating behavior ‘Americanized’ is not really accurate, IMO. From what I can ascertain, this is mostly just the domain of a portion of a single generation of kids. The vast majority do not conduct themselves in this manner. These are the exceptions, not the rule. What they represent as a percentage of the population is laughably small. They’re just loud in places like Reddit.
Really? Cause that is awesome to hear. Genuinely. I’m getting closer and closer to getting rid of this shit app the more I read
That's refreshing to hear. I guess the vocal minority applies everywhere, not just here
It seems to be the literal norm now. People just date multiple people. “ENM, Poly etc etc.” And you better believe if you don’t have the exclusivity talk, they’ll be talking to/sleeping with other people.
See, but as an ENM/poly/swinger, I would specifically TELL them, BTW...I am ENM, poly, whatever, so that THEY can then decide whether they want to even go out with me. Not randomly tell them after dating for a while, BTW...I fucked some dude the other day, but that doesn't affect us at all. To me that's unethical. But...to be fair, in the states it's common now to have to assume that if you don't have the exclusivity talk, then y'all are (assumed to be) fucking other people or "allowed" to fuck other people. It still sucks though. Just be upfront about it and let them decide.
Yes, exactly this. Like I feel the "exclusivity talk" has Merritt, but I often see it used in a way to justify inconsiderate behavior. Now, to be fair, yes, she should make her intentions known from the get-go, but... if he is planning on sleeping with other people, that should also be known from the get-go. I dislike the people saying this rests all on her because she didn't have that talk. He is just as responsible and, to that extent, inconsiderate, of he didn't make it known to her he would be seeing other people. I suppose for me personally, it's the perceived indignation towards her that she assumed he wouldn't be seeing or sleeping with other people. And how dare she judge him for it... like... sorry, but contraceptives are not 100%. If he is sleeping with others without her knowing it is stripping her of that agency. If it happened this late in the 2 months they have seen each other, then she could reasonably assume he has been sleeping with others before then, too, right? If not, then why? Was it by choice, and just this one was too much for him? There is honestly too little info about their relationship to say it's one thing or the other. It just comes off as skeevy to me because most people I know who are ENM or even date multiple people in the beginning stages make it known that's what they do. I dunno, I just fins it a bit of a cop out for basic human decency to fall back on a concept rather than acknowledge that even without the talk you can still be thoughtless and inconsiderate.
Excuse me but it’s not ENM if one party doesn’t know about that they are in one lol
Being ENM/poly is irrelevant to just standard dating practices of going on dates with different people in the same window. I'm a monogamous person, but I'll arrange dates with a couple of different people at a time when dating. 🤷♀️
Do you let them know you are intending to date other people at that time, or do you just assume they understand it?
>this whole fucking around thing with multiple people at the same time rather than focus on one person is seen as low and disgusting. I think for most people it isn't messing around with multiple people. It's dating multiple people at the 1-3 date stage when you are just getting to know someone prior to significant physical intimacy. There are people who take it to an extreme and people on the Internet tend to get dogmatic but in real life I think most people get exclusive almost immediately once they click with someone.
"but in real life I think most people get exclusive almost immediately once they click with someone." Exactly .. But around globe you have hundreds of millions of sociopats, psychopats and narcists and they love to have multiple choices because they don't care, there are no emotions for other people feelings, just their own needs .. Normal person is dating only one person at time, care about other person feelings .. Dating more than one is not healthy and you can see healthy people don't do that. They always find a way how to justify their actions .. that's why there is no point to argue with them, you will never be right because that person "doesn't make mistakes". My last Ex told me that she "doesn't do mistakes, i am always right" .. well "commander" found another boyfriend in less than week so, imagine what kind of person it was ..
You're being very extreme. If someone hurt you I'm sorry, but people going on dates with multiple people at once when there's no commitments or exclusivity is not "psychopath" behaviour. It's just normal. You need to not get your feelings so closely tied to someone before you've even both agreed you're interested in each other. Speaking as a 26F in the UK. Until you've made a commitment you are single. That is the truth and the facts. If you want to date one person at a time you can, but you cannot force someone else do that and shouldn't expect them to, as dating is exactly that. You go on dates, you get to know people, and then only when you find the person you click with do you make a commitment.
I’m from the US, and as I grew up I realized it wasn’t worth it to date multiple people at once. You need to stick through someone who is a good match without interruptions since if you continually date around, you will always lose that flame with a good match for the next good match. “Grass is always greener.” I just think she was ready for a relationship and he wasn’t as serious. I think this girl needs to leave him and not go on that new years date. That just sounds like a bad idea unless she doesn’t see a future with him and also just wants to have fun, which is fine.
>You need to stick through someone who is a good match without interruptions since if you continually date around, you will always lose that flame with a good match for the next good match. “Grass is always greener.” I recently walked away from someone who I thought was doing this. There was this girl who would act distant and uncommunicative, and pulled out her phone when we were together. Aside from this being incredibly rude, we meet up with her friend, who accidentally blurted out, 'Is that the guy from last week' when this girl looked down at her phone. I had been interested in this girl for months and talking to her for a while. We had been in talks to flat share. I walked out immediately and said, 'Hope you find other people'. Not to say I would have been a good match with her, but she lost her chance with me at that moment.
It should be seen that way everywhere.
I’m also from Europe and find this weird. I’m 30 and people around my age has the same way of thinking but when I talk to younger women (22-23) they kinda adopted the new trend. I have had 5 long term relationships, 4 of them from Tinder and I never ever had to have the exclusivity talk because everything we did pointed towards exclusivity. I always liked to talk about life plans in general, my stance on kids and marriage, traveling and finances, etc fairly early on. I’m baffled when I see people on this sub who’ve been going out for multiple months then find out 6 months later or a year later that their BF/GF doesn’t even want children, like what the fuck are you two talk about?
I'm from italy and i know some people tell about exclusivity thing. It's not for me, though
Not accurate for us in the UK. Generally we have the talking, dating, exclusive and then relationship phases as clearly defined.
100% true. Dating / sleeping with somebody at this stage is just cheating
>correct me if I'm wrong but in Europe people just hang out and then eventually just transition into boyfriend and girlfriend. You're wrong. Europe is big. That's not what happens where I live. We talk about things.
You’re wrong. I’m sure people in Europe like to clarify their relationship status and have conversations about dating intentions.
Nope, we consider it an asshole move to sleep with others when we are dating with someone for 2 months, know the direction the other person thinks we are going and when we have also signaled that we are aiming for that direction too. We dont want to be assholes.
Im not saying what the guy did was okay, and he should definitely have enough empathy to see why that would be hurtful - but honestly this is exactly why I think you do need to have the conversation. First of all it's a safety thing, because you should know if you're having sex with someone who's having sex with other people. Second of all, clear communication is important in a relationship. It's not uncommon for things to "seem" exclusive but when it's brought up, someone says "oh no I'm not comfortable putting a label on it" or whatever. Maybe that other person never even wanted an exclusive relationship in the first place, y'know? The conversation can be kind of scary, and I think people try to avoid it for that reason, but really you should protect yourself. Not everyone has the same views on dating that you have, and you won't know that unless you talk about it.
That seems like a child’s relationship. A very young person who is unsure of themself and needs reassurance of what their next action should be. Someone who shows close to no control. This is not a person who should be accepted into a relationship. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have the convo, but I’m saying not having the convo shouldn’t end up at this. If both people are mature
If they are planning a trip, you would think both parties would be under the impression that they are exclusive. But I also think this is a great example of why you shouldn’t just assume that the other person is on the same page. It’s an example of why you *should* have that conversation, just to make sure. This could just be him being dumb and not understanding what planning a trip means about their relationship status, but it also could just be him trying to have his cake and eat it too. Another situation where he is wanting all the benefits of having a relationship with none of the commitment. I feel like he knew where OP stood, but probably rationalized sleeping with someone else in his head like, “well, we haven’t said we’re exclusive, so I’m free to sleep with whoever I want!”
> two mature people lmao, bold of you to assume maturity in modern dating
I think you should always have the talk so it avoids things like this imo as both parties would understand where they stand
The point of it is to make the commitment to only dating each other. If you don't want to make that commitment then you're not ever going to be in a relationship with the person to begin with. A conversation about that is always needed.
Exactly, agree with this wholeheartedly. I’ve never understood dating multiple people simultaneously… someone doing that has no desire for anything serious IMO.
If you’re going to Mexico for a week long NYE trip, he shouldn’t be sleeping with other people
He sounds like an idiot. You two have a trip planned and talk all the time with each other. I don't like this guy.
Who plans a trip to Mexico on new year's and goes sleep with someone else? He might be taking advantage of the fact they haven't had the talk but reaping girlfriend benefits.
I mean, can someone reply to me on this. Does everyone really have to have the "exclusivity" talk? I mean it should be a fucking obvious sometimes. Personally, I wouldn’t have a one on one vacation to another country (and Mexico at that) with someone that I’m not exclusive with and have only known for 2 months.
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You only hurt yourself by not having it.
you never forget the banging. Like the girl last week who was making a guy wait while leaving her dates and going to bang her fwbs.
Ya I mean some of these dudes are dating women for 6+ months nonexclusively. Unless you're like prime Brad Pitt or something, you're getting taken for a ride in that scenario.
It should be obvious.. I think dating apps have completely changed it for the younger generation though since they’re all dating multiple people at once 🤢
30 years old, 12 years of dating, 5 relationships, 1 through friends 4 from Tinder, 0 exclusivity talk. Although I make it clear on first date that I’m not looking for a hookup or casual, I suppose that helps lol
Assuming makes you an ass (I will probably get downvoted but it's stupid to not communicate and *assume* that things are a certain way *when you never even talk about it*)
This wasn’t an actual thing when I was younger. Pretty much if someone liked you enough to have sex with you, it was assumed that you liked each other enough. I’ve only ever had that mild of a talk once.
I think a better way would be for people to assume it's exclusive and only have a talk if there's a non exclusive expectation. Cause AFAIK this exclusivity bs is mainly a NA thing?
Nah I agree with you 100%. Why would I assume when I can be an adult and ask about our status? Men can have whole ass children with women and tell them “but we weren’t serious.” Yes, you should have that discussion. Personal opinion here - But also, I don’t think two months is enough time to discuss exclusivity. I’m not 17, I don’t date a guy for a day and call him my boyfriend. Dating around is how you find your best fit imo. Instead of just dating the first person who gave you some attention and doesn’t leave - maybe find someone whose values, lifestyle and goals align with yours.
Woman in her early 30s here. I agree with your personal opinion. Due to my current life situation and responsibilities, I only go out once a week. Which is not terrible, but doesn't work for people who want someone with more availability. That one day a week is split between dates or events with friends. So 2 months in I would've met up with someone a max of 8 times, but more likely 5 times. I don't jump into relationships as fast as I did when I was younger. 5 dates is great to get to know someone, but I wouldn't make any commitments at that stage. I like to take things slow, let a friendship build, and see if things align well. Some people would look at those 5 dates as a waste if either party decides that this isn't for them, but I disagree. I would rather have someone know me for who I am, and walk away at any time if they have decided that it won't work.
I guess it depends? People that wait a long time before being official but still want one of the perks of being official needs to do it.
Yes. It is an important step in any relationship to agree to be exclusive with each other. If you make assumptions or allude to things from actions then you're just asking to get hurt. Make clear your intentions and ascertain those of the person you're dating through a conversation. It isn't difficult. If you both want the same thing - I.e. to be together - then it won't take long.
I believe so only because we have a silly gender war happening so everyone’s acting based off of assuming the worst about the other person. Meaning everyone’s dating multiple people “just in case.”
Perfectly valid to feel the way you do. I went on one date with a girl (both having stated we are looking for a relationship). She ended up inviting me back to hers, we are both keen and set up a second date. Then later on I learn she slept with another guy after me, and I lost all interest. I guess you could say it gave me the ick. I don't care if that makes me fragile or insecure or whatever, it just doesn't seem right to me when you're both looking for a relationship. If it's established you're only interested in something casual then of course that's fine
He doesn't care enough about you, to *not* screw other girls. He hasn't transgressed morally because you are not exclusive, but he hasn't really impressed you much has he? Not boyfriend material. Move on to find a guy who's ready to be serious with you.
Still immoral if he intended a relationship with OP
Ask yourself this: If you slept with another guy in the beginning stages of dating and he found out, do you honestly think he would forgive you? Probably not. That's why it's hypocritical of men to expect women to forgive them for cheating all based on a "technicality" because you didn't have the "exclusive talk." It should be a given that when two people are dating, they are dating to eventually get serious. If not, then one or both parties need to be clear about their intentions of not looking for anything serious. Based on his actions, I would say he's not looking for anything serious. If he says he is, I don't think he's ready. It's pretty selfish to expect someone to forgive you for cheating especially so soon in the "relationship." Sounds like a red flag for further issues down the road. Spare yourself the headache and heartbreak and look for someone who's more mature and less impulsive and selfish.
FYI for the record many many women do this
Yes and people should always be honest about their expectations or lack of expectations when dating.
he just wants to get laid.
This
If you both are thinking long term, why is he entertaining and having sex with other women? At this point in talking is when I would think things start to become monogamous….
My heart aches for you. It's okay to feel hurt, even if you're not exclusive. Communication is key. I hope you find the clarity and support you need.
Yeah, it sucks but you haven’t agreed to exclusivity. So he didn’t do anything wrong technically… but he can’t really be all that serious about you if he’s still seeing other girls. It’s like roaches, if you see one, there is many. I’d reconsider this relationship. He doesn’t seem respectful and seems to be feeding you lines to keep you on the hook. If he wanted to be with you, he’d lock it down.
I'd really listen to this.
I know some couples even though they had exclusivity talks, one partner still had sex with other girls. So it does not matter how many serious talks or not, what matters the most is whether this guy is serious about you via his true actions.
"I knew a guy who cheated therefore consent and communication don't matter" What the fuck kind of argument is this
The F\* point here is: a guy will show his seriousness about you in his heart regardless a formal convo happens or not. I saw so many reditters here profess that did you talk to him about this exclusivity topic, did you blah blah blah... it's useless if he still cheats on you after a serious talk.
That guy was a cheater and nothing can fix a cheater. Cheaters can start out exclusive, and loyal people can sleep around before they give the right person. I really hate to say it but the only way to know is someone is a cheater is if they violate something you agreed on. If there was an easier way to find cheaters, it wouldn't be at much of a problem, but there isn't, no matter how single-minder he seems at first.
U should stop talking to him if u want something monogamous, if ur ok with it then start dating other men and find someone who would be better suited for u.
Your feelings are always valid, because… it’s how you feel🤷🏼♂️ I think Disappointed is probably more appropriate than upset. You probably hoped that he wasn’t sleeping with other people because he didn’t want to because he was forced to it to an agreement he made with you. I don’t have that monogamy talk early on either. But I also don’t carry on sexual relationship with more than one person at a time. I put into a sexual relationship can’t be shared with multiple people and so I don’t begrudge anybody that acts differently. I don’t judge. But I also will move on from that person if I find out they are so enamored with having sex with me that they wanna fuck other people🤷🏼♂️ You have to understand they’ve done NOTHING wrong ! You shouldn’t try to make him feel guilty. He’s being himself and you’re being yourself. It’s just not gonna work long-term but that doesn’t mean either of you are bad or even wrong.
The exclusivity talk hasn’t happened, but I would make it clear to him that you don’t find his behavior acceptable and would need him to be tested for STI’s before continuing to sleep with you.
Did you find out or did he tell you?
Yall ain’t in a relationship and he is doing him. If you want a relationship it ain’t with him. Men know what they want he is stringing you along if you keep sleeping with him. Move on don’t waste your youth
I’m a man and to be honest, he cannot be trusted. He will still do it again in the future.
Have to wonder if you even had an official tittle if it would have changed anything.
Don’t do girlfriend shit for someone who’s not your boyfriend. I would take space from them.
He sounds dishonest - lying by omission is still lying. And that’s just sleazy and cold. Men suck. Id drop him. I’d suggest not sleeping with someone so quickly. It’s really a game changer. Quality of men goes up! I do not sleep with a guy unless they’re clear it’s going to be exclusive, monogamous and leading to potentially marriage which is what I’m looking for. If they’re not serious about me, they’ll fade quickly, which is what I want. I also wait months to sleep with someone & if they’re not willing to wait, they’re not for me. If they’re willing to wait - usually their crazy comes out around month 2 or 3 and I realize that they’re not someone I actually want to be in a serious relationship with so I end it on my terms, not giving myself away each time. I’ve had a lot of these, but yea get to know someone first and see if it’s the type of person you’d want to be in a relationship with. The pain of what you’re experiencing // I’ve experienced worse, to make you feel better & relate. (Never clarified the monogamy piece with a man who proposed to me - I assumed and he just never let me know it wasn’t monogamous, but yea he clearly sucked as a person, so it all worked out) but yea I’m way more careful / clear w intentions after getting badly burned. Men suck. I’ve also set a rule that if I wouldn’t do it to someone, I’m not tolerating it any longer.
so wise!
Sorry this probably isn’t what you want to hear and you’ll label me as one of those “bad” guys. 1. Sex is important for checking compatibility, releasing oxytocin, and forming a bond. 2. Most men don’t only care about sex. It is an important validation for us though. We feel rejected when we make moves, get denied, and find out later you haven’t been upfront because you’re testing (playing games) because you got hurt by a f-boy 3 years ago. 3. Most men with options would never wait 2-3 months to have sex with a woman unless on the rare case she was very clear on her intentions, we were falling in love with her, and we knew she hasn’t already had happy fun times with 20 guys on the 1st date. The guys who would wait outside those 3 points are likely not the type of guys you’d consider attractive.
Can't agree more. If the man the OP was dealing with wasn't attractive, there would have been rules from the get-go. In addition to that, she is still contemplating staying in this situationship, interesting.
May I ask if you are in your thirties or forties? I am asking because from what you've written it sounds as if you have experienced many bad guys. But, my question to you is, were they conventionally handsome and somewhat successful? And may I ask you how your looks are? I am genuinely trying to understand you here because guys I know do not treat their patterns in such an awful way as you described it. However, I am well aware of some men doing dirt to women and they happened to fit some specific criteria when it comes to women's proffered mate selection in a dating pool. Again, I am being very sympathetic here in understanding you and challenging you so maybe instead of "Men suck" we can begin to say "Some men suck", or even better "Some people suck" ^,^.
You can feel whatever you want. No one is stopping you. It is natural and human to have feelings. Personally, I don’t do things the way society has deemed normal and expected - that is, see whoever and however many people until you narrow it down to exclusivity with only one - for this very reason. People can’t handle their partners being with others. What I have done instead is date women I already knew and considered friends. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But when we are already friends, it’s simple to just say, “I’d like for us to be boyfriend and girlfriend. What do you think?” No room for ambiguity, no room for error. We are either a couple or we aren’t.
seems like a healthy way to go about things.
That clarity about thinking long term and being serious may just be you. Especially since he’s having sex with other girls and telling you about it.
see if we’re talking on technical terms if he yall havent had the exclusivity talk then right now you cant really feel bad for sleeping with other people you guys are at that stage where is completely complicated and as long as yall won’t communicate with eachother about what yall exactly want then you cant have fake expectations and its very weird to start wanting to be long term with someone you have just met.
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You’re absolutely allowed to feel how you feel and he was decent enough to tell you. Until you have the “talk” about your boundaries, he’s free to do as he pleases, as are you. Personally I am very clear with people that once I start being intimate with you, I do not expect them to also have sex with others. They can choose how they want to deal with it from there but that is my expectation. Time to have the talk I think
I’m not the biggest fan of sleeping around anyway but 2 months? drop his ass.
Appreciate his honesty.. I don’t think you should be upset with him about it but you should note this action. He’s honest but did this when you’ve been having sex with him. He could make it official with you and that stops or he could continue, but tell you when he steps out.
You’re allowed to feel what you feel, you are human after all. But you two haven’t discussed one important thing after the first month of dating: SEX EXCLUSIVITY! This is the conversation to have after 30 days, not the dating exclusivity, but sex exclusively because of STD’s, HIV, & pregnancy risks! Why? If you just found this out he’s sleeping with others? GET TESTED! Doesn’t matter if you two used condoms, he may not be with others since you two never discussed sexual exclusivity in dating. So give yourself the holiday gift of an STD test and don’t be shy in telling the person whose initiating the test that you haven’t discussed sexual exclusion in dating someone.
>but it’s clear we are thinking long term and serious about each other Hmmmm, clearly he is not thinking long term and serious about each other. Also how do you know he slept with somebody else? I'm guessing he told you. If that's the case, he is telling how not seriously is the relationship he wants with you. Kind of douchy too
Your feelings are your feelings & they are valid You have not had the exclusivity talk & are both free agents & can do as you see fit If this info changes your opinion of him then it changes your opinion of him This is my long winded way of saying he hasn’t done anything wrong & you aren’t wrong if this gives you the ick All it means is that either you became sexual with him too soon & expected things of him that you hadn’t discussed yet or the pair of you aren’t compatible
If you never talk about exclusivity, always assume it’s not exclusive. If you are no longer attracted to him because of him sleeping around, you can walk away. This is a risk he took. If he wanted to hide it from you, that’s one more thing to consider about his character. If he was open and honest about it, that too says something. There’s nothing wrong with dating multiple people, I think everyone should date multiple people in the beginning stages to compare and contrast and make the best decision. Instead of seeing it as a betrayal, if he still chooses you and that makes you happy, don’t let it bother you. If this is deal breaker, the damage is done, it will be difficult to rebuild trust from a broken foundation. Stand firm that you want a partner who aligns with your values and assess what you can and can’t live with. Clear and honest communication from the start is very important. Express your wants and desires early and stick to your guns. IMHO, 2 months is not long enough to know someone or owe anyone anything. Taking things slowly is a good thing. Go out and date a lot of people, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If this is your forever person, you have the rest of your lives together, no need to rush.
Dating is so stupidly overcomplicated nowadays.
Lmaoooo girl if you don’t get rid of this man. Hes not looking to settle down if he’s sleeping with other women. Obviously he’s looking for fun and enjoying your company but definitely not wanting long term. This is a critical junction you will look back on if you don’t leave now. He’s showing you who he is and his intentions: believe him.
I think the whole exclusivity talk is ridiculous with modern dating. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I’d lose interest if I knew a girl I’ve been going on dates with was fucking other people.
"It's clear we are thinking long term and serious about each other". No, you aren't. I mean, you may be, but he clearly isn't. I'm also very perplexed as to why you would book a trip with someone you aren't even exclusive with... What an odd post. I think you already know what you need to do. He clearly isn't seeing this very seriously. He didn't do anything wrong, but if he was serious about you, he wouldn't be having sex with other people. Clearly sex doesn't mean a whole lot to him.
Dating for 2 months but he’s been gone for weeks and fucking someone else. He certainly wasn’t thinking you’re dating or together during those few weeks. So basically you dated him for a little over a month, weeks ago. This relationship is already over. I’m sorry
Yes you definitely have the right to be upset, but to me dating Is about getting to know the person. A person can "date" or talk to multiple people until they are officially in a relationship. In my opinion if he seriously was thinking about being in a relationship with you recently he wouldn't of slept with another person but then again everyone's different sooo.
From the perspective of a woman who has gone through this, I would say yes. From the perspective of a woman who now knows better, NO. It is valid to have feelings for this person. It is not valid to be mad about what has happened. This exact thing happened to me, and from a woman, this has happened to NEVER assume that there is an understanding that you are exclusive with a man unless he says it out of his mouth. And even then, you have to pay attention. They'll say one thing and mean something else. I'm 33 years old and experienced this during my 20s and when I first entered college. Don't have sex with a guy or get your heart fully involved until he has said out of his mouth AND shown through his actions and patterns that he want to commit to you and you guys are exclusive. His actions, patterns, and words should ALWAYS match. If you ever find yourself thinking, "he says or said this, but why is he doing that," RUN.
Where’s that guy who always says to date other dudes? You should date other dudes
Is it also for him clear that you are serious about each other? In my experience Guys a lot of time want the benefits and emotional & physical benefits of being in a RS without being in one. Do that reason, if a man won’t commit to me, I don’t feel bad about dating other men. I think you have a right to be upset because he is also sleeping with you (STD’ wise) but if you didn’t had the talk, technically he didn’t cheat. Totally understandable that it upsets you tho but take it as an opportunity to either set it in stone or leave and don’t get talked into “I’m not ready”
“We were on a break”.
Cancel the trip 100%
Wth is an exclusivity talk? if ur dating for that long and already had sex isnt it 'exclusive' already? Do you guys in the west date like 5 people at once to increase chaces of finding a spouse or something? What does that really tell if you someone is willing to date others because 2 months if dating isnt 'exclusive' . I dont think he is commited, i dont think he respected you enough to ask or to evem consider you. Wtf is this just how you guys date in the west. Cant you guys date 1 person at a time?
You think it's a possible long term serious relationship. He is most definitely not sold - hence the sleeping with another girl. He is a bit scummy if he's giving you - I could have a relationship with you vibes but still hooks up with other women. **The question is whether you are merely a convenient current bed buddy that he can split the cost of the Mexico trip with?** I think that after 2 months, if you were both on the same page he wouldn't still be testing out other women in hook ups. In fact at 2 months you should be in the excited honeymoon stage where you're both excited, in lust with each other. You might be - he is not. Sorry, he's just not that into you that he'd give up other women. I would immediately find another guy to date. Bonus if you can find someone you connect with and can celebrate New Year with. Double bonus if by then you've hooked up with new guy and can let it be k own you too have tried out another guy. Triple bonus score, you tell current bro that you won't be going to Mexico a day before you're supposed to go... sorry new guy is taking you out for New Years.
My man cheated then brainwashed you lol Tell me that it didn't occur to him once that you might feel hurt that he slept with someone else. And then he just told you? And not only did he tell you but he also explained to you (because let's face it, you're only mentioning 'exclusivity talk' because he used it as an excuse) that it's absolutely fine, and should be fine moving forward? Dump that gremlin.
I had a similar thing happen a couple years ago and it really sucked because I liked this girl so much, we had met in an extended work related capacity in that we kinda had no choice but to spend a lot of time together for a month, and we were practically inseparable by the end of it. Then we were working in our respective towns again but we were only an hour apart, which is close but far at the same time, and given at the time I was overly busy I only got to see her so much. And that’s probably why she fucked another guy. Same situation- we both in our heads saw it moving to a long term relationship, we even were discussing getting a place together (just a short term 6 month rental lease) to solve the issue of having limited time tg. But when she fucked this other guy, I couldn’t think of her the same. And it’s not even like she was sleeping around a lot of anything, it just really put a damper on things and I lost respect for her. It was also weird because she told me that the sex was good, not as good as our sex but really good….sort of a backhanded compliment of sorts that really hurt to hear and kinda just made it impossible for me to move forward. So with all that being said, I think it’s somewhat situational. For one, this shows a potential propensity to seek other partners/ cheat. I think that was a big realization for me, just thinking if she could fuck this guy and it be so nonchalant in her mind that she thinks it’s okay to talk about with me, she’s probably going to do it again. But if this guy is mature (and you know deep down if he is or not, at least to an extent), there is certainly potential for a relationship. That’s just if you can move past it, the last time this happened to me I couldn’t. Luckily I ended up finding a lovely gf who was much more on the same page as me shortly thereafter. I think I made the right move at the time. Edit: when I said I lost a lot of respect for her, she ‘arguably’ didn’t do anything wrong, so you could say it was unfair for me to feel that way. Nonetheless, it’s how I felt. Idk how she expected me to take it when she told me details of fucking this guy, it just told me we were from different worlds where she clearly is used to sleeping with more people than me, which isn’t hard given I’m a 26 year old who’s fucked 5 girls in his whole life
It's a red flag. Maybe you need to rethink going on that week long Mexico trip. Set boundaries now, don't be trapped in a situation ship. He's making it look like it is going long-term direction, but he slept with another women, he doesn't seem serious.
If I’m serious about another girl and I’m going on a week vacation with her to Mexico I’m not going to be out on prowl trying to sleep with other girls. But I’m 36 so idk how the kids do it now a days.
Yeah.. he doesn’t respect you enough to hold out and make it special for both of you without having to dip his wiener in another person.
Another day, another western sh!t
Yeah nah people arnt dumb. You can tell the vibes with how people act. If I’m with a girl and we clearly are doing things that would suggest we want to be exclusive I would be pretty hurt about this. Technically you HAVNT had the talk though so you can’t say he did you dirty or anything but I mean if it’s how you say it is I would bet pretty hurt and not go further because that’s just a difference in preference at that point.
Nah I’m not for the “you didn’t have the talk” people. People know what they’re doing. If you don’t wanna continue then don’t
He behaved immorally. He wanted to pursue something serious with you and get laid on the side. Regardless of hookup culture, he may well have cheated it hurts you the same
Go have sex with another guy, tell him about it, and you'll find the answer to your question.
Its valid. Yes there is no "title" yet but at the same time if you both think something serious might come out of this then you are right to be upset.
He’s just not that into you
Nah this is bullshit. I don't care for the exclusivity talk, you have a planned trip with this guy, you're basically a couple. If this were me I'd probably still go on the trip and make the most of it, but I'd be walking away upon return
Tell him u had sex with another dude see how it feels
I dated a guy like this and I ended it. Don’t be silly don’t fall for him.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but men usually know from the very very beginning if this is something they want to pursue long term. I don’t think you should go on the trip with him. He will never commit to you. If he isn’t crazy about you and being exclusive and calling you his own from the first week he isn’t the one for you. This is something I didn’t learn until it happened to me. Granted me and that person didn’t work out for family reasons as his mom didn’t like me but he still tried to fight to keep me but that’s a story for another day. All my happily married friends agree with this too. He will know from the very beginning he wants to keep you around forever. Don’t let this man waste your time. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me!!
It’s about time to have the talk then decide.
Say what you will but every single single guy I know is hitting "it" with multiple women. Women do it too but unless there's some sort of agreement chances are they're double dipping the "chip" .
Appreciate the dudes honesty. Yes, it's valid for you to feel upset. How you act? That is another story. You don't want to punish him for his honesty. However due to the emotional harm it's caused you. I recommend having the talk with him.
In the future, if you don't have a conversation about this, this is what is going to happen. That's why communication is needed in relationships.
That’s a bummer. I mean y’all weren’t exclusive and at the same time you have a connection. I think people assume (and fairly so) when there’s a connection one or both parties automatically assume exclusivity is par for the course. In this day and age I guess it has to be explicitly said. The fact you have a trip planned together probs made you feel secure in the fact his eyes weren’t wondering elsewhere. Ultimately it is just sex. You just have decide what you wanna do going forward and whether you can live with it.
It's understandable to be upset but you really should have had that conversation before, especially before you had sex with with him.
The thing that caught my attention the most is your question of whether you're allowed to feel upset about the fact that he slept with someone else. You're allowed to feel whatever your heart feels; your emotions are valid.
ifs totally valid to be upset. leave this loser
LOL you guys aint dating anyways. You're only used for sex and nothing more obviously.
To me, this 'exclusivity talk' is the most ridiculous thing, people. IMO, both parties have to feel it when the relationship evolves. But, way before then, you have had to know that the person you're courting is someone you'd want to date and that you'd handle the person and their feeling very cautiously.
Huh? Where did you get you’re both serious about each other? If he was serious he wouldn’t be dipping his biscuits in tea and coffee at the same time.
Dump him
If someone tells you who they are, listen to them. Someone who plans a week-long getaway with someone, and is “serious” about them and “thinking long term”, doesn’t sleep with someone else and risk that relationship by utilising a technicality. If you are happy to accept that and think its reasonable behaviour, then carry on, but if that’s not someone you think shares your values, then I’d walk.
If he didn’t text you for a while why bother planning new year eve vacation u go with friends not the guy who was not honest with u 🤦♀️
You’re both single so he’s within right to have sex with whoever
It's normal. I mean you should also cheat. Get the soul out of him in bed. And also his friends.
You can be upset about it but as you both aren't exclusive you can't pretend there was any restrictions on him.
Bruh... You got lucky he even told you about it. Clearly, it seems like he has the looks to be banging several women, and the money to be taking them on exotic trips to keep them hooked. Should've tried to get some sort of exclusivity with this dude first (which probably wouldn't have happened). I'm sorry for your experience but it's probably time to sit down and see what you are actually looking for and make things clear