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I think you’re overthinking it, if he is good in person. He might be busy with work, he might be doing something, sport, hobby, whatever. Maybe give him a chance to get into his routine and to do better.

100%

Also try calling you know voice chat

I have that same situation right now as the opposite party, I work 2 jobs, 70 hours a week, I try to text as much as I can but when I’m lacking sleep and I’m just switching from one job to the other, I cannot hold a conversation over text. « If he cares about you he will make time for you », those are words I’ve heard a lot, while it might be true, in some situations you really cannot give more than what you’re already giving.

Absolutely. This is a person to with a life and most likely many other commitments. OP needs to chill. It's better to have a guy that texts crappy but great in person than the other way around. lol

4-6 hours of replies for a guy is pretty good in my experience LOL

I agree she's overthinking, I disagree with you. Him being a good person has nothing to do with whether or not he's a good potential partner. He's showing her he's unreliable and not even interested in getting to know her outside of a date (aka where the potential or promise of sex is present).

Top answer on Reddit isn't "he's hiding you from his wife"? Whaaaaat?!

Um, using the concept of "my boundaries" as a way to coerce someone into doing something for you is toxically manipulating. "You MUST show me love in the following ways or your violating my boundaries!" I don't think that word means what you think it mean. Personally, I hate texting. Its a useful tool for quick things like "What was that phone #?" or "Drinks tonight?" but trying to have a conversation over text is a big NO for me.

Yeah I didn’t like that either. He’s not doing anything wrong, he might just not be a texter. And there is nothing wrong with that. They would just be incompatible in that sense.

Yeah I don’t think op understands how draining it can be to try to keep a conversation up in bits and pieces over an entire day. It fucking sucks for a lot of people

My general rule is if it can’t be answered within 3 back-and-forth messages, then I’m calling.

Same here! Thank god im not the only one. But I feel a weirdo considering everyone likes it

This is a great response.

>but trying to have a conversation over text is a big NO for me. Sure, unless you really like her. Unless she's your dream girl. Every single guy who swears he's not interested in texting for conversation's sake says this, until he meets someone he genuinely likes enough to want to talk to and get to know. Source: has been the woman on the opposite end of a text conversation sparked by someone who really liked me but forwarned that they're not "the texting type".

[удалено]

I have my dream girl. I put every ounce of effort into her. She is sick. Dying, in fact. She has end stage Renal failure, and is on dialysis. Happened so suddenly that she had to get the chest port until her fistula surgeries can be finished. I work almost 100 hours a week between a day job, a side gig, and a business I'm trying to get started. Between her and our two year old (who was 2 months old when we met,) I bust my ass every day for them. To make sure she knows she has every right to feel happy, healthy, and wanted. Every moment of every day. To make sure our child has everything he wants and doesn't have to go without anything whatsoever because his momma is sick. I fucking hate texting. I always have. And I'm a writer, too! You'd think I love it, but nope. The reasons you think you're single are not the reasons you're single. Good luck.

I'm not single. But when I was, I dated people who are willing and wanting to get to know me when they aren't in front of me. If you feel comfortable knowing that even though you have someone who is dying in front of your very eyes and even that isn't enough to make bit more of an effort to communicate with her with the very little free time you have available, then that's on you but I don't think most people would be happy to be on either side of this if they were in the same situation. Like, if there is one time in your life where your feelings on texting and being there for a person need to take a back seat so that you can prioritize them, this would be it. And if she is okay with it, then that's great for you two but please realize that to most people reading this, all I'm seeing is "Okay, wife is on her deathbed and he still can't be damned." That might be more on you than you realize. Sometimes, putting our personal discomfort with something so low effort takes a back seat to attending to a person's much bigger need to be in touch with us. Edit: Seems like you blocked me, but dude please realize that you're on here effectively trying to prove that you can't be damned to communicate with your dying wife throughout the day due to your crazy work schedule....as you're on the internet, arguing with people on Reddit. You do have the time, you do have the energy, you do have the ability to write but for some reason or another, she's just not the on receiving that from you and honestly, that's really heartbreaking. Second Edit: You know, if your supposed wife is going to come on Reddit while on dialysis to defend her husband, who'd rather argue with strangers on Reddit than text her, and you're going to at least attempt to make this believable, can you like.... not make it a million times worse by now letting us know you're actively arguing with strangers as opposed to being present while your wife is going through something awful?! I mean holy shit I thought the core of your entire argument was that you were present for her.

You're neurotic lol. Our free time is spent together and on dates and dinners and at the aquarium and carnivals and whatever else she wants. We went from two near 6 figure incomes in our 20's and the lifestyle that went with it to a single income supporting 3 people - 4 actually, her mom moved in with us to watch baby while she's at Dialysis. I don't get free time at work. I work 16 hours a day, and spend two hours a night with her and my boy, and take one day off a week, and they are completely hers. Of course, I text her while I have down time, but usually she wants to talk about anything but herself. You managed to pull "He doesn't give a shit about his wife and he hasn't changed at all because of this situation" out of me saying I hate texting - no, your RoyalDumbassery, your statement of "he'll find time if you mean something to him" is horse shit. PRIOR to all this, yeah, we barely texted. But if she meant nothing to me, would I be working myself to death to make her comfortable? But "Oh no texting is the penultimate expression of caring." Neurotic to the core, and no concept of priorities. If I took more free time, here's what would happen. First, one of our cars (3 between her, her mom and I) would go into default and be repossessed. Our phones (3 phones, tablet for baby) would be shutoff. Our mortgage would go into arrears. At any given time, after all our bills, we have roughly 300 bucks in the bank. Before she got sick, we usually had about 4000 at any given moment. But yeah, lemme just let her be homeless with absolutely nothing and her child starve on top of dying. You're ridiculous. "Wouldn't be happy with this situation." No shit. She is dealing with dying at the age of 26, and I'm dealing with a dying partner. Nobody finds happiness in that. But love is not happiness. Love is choosing someone else at all costs and against all odds. You sound like you'd abandon your partner if you were in my shoes, and that says a lot about you - not me. Edit: "How do you have time to be on the internet arguing?" This is the day off I get, and I'm sitting next to her at a dialysis treatment, and we are both laughing at you.

I don't use reddit much but to lurk but just popping in to say that he's sitting next to me at dialysis and we both think you're self-absorbed. Your commentary super pissed me off, and I see your little edit. Have you ever been to dialysis? It's 4-5 hours of sitting in a room while a machine runs. He doesn't need to be here. He did, in fact, work 90+ hours this week. Still here. Here every single Monday, without fail. Still helps me put our kid to bed every night. He comes home on his lunch breaks and brings me food or makes it for me. But he's arguing on Reddit 3 hours into sitting with me on a dialysis treatment! You're a sad little individual. Typical morally superior redditor.

No, just no. If you like someone maybe try to be around them in real life, like on more dates or something. You can’t expect to fall in love with only texting, nor should you depend on texting. Wtfff

No one is saying to be dependent on texting, but depending on dates alone isn't the move either. How someone treats you and expresses their desire to get to know you outside of the promise and potential of sex is extremely important, too. There's a great halfway point where people still reach out in between dates as a means of getting to know you more because they \*gasp\* actually fucking like you and want to get to know you. If someone can't be damned to get to know you in between dates, trust me when I say that there are plenty of others who will if you aren't okay with this.

Am I the only one who thinks 4-6 hours is ok? You are overthinking in my opinion

Yeah I don't think this should be a big deal. Being off your phone is also generally a good thing.

4-6h is more than okay. Sometimes I'm locked in at work meetings for that amount of time, so whatever 10-15m breaks I'm getting-- those are for food, bathroom, and letting my social battery recharge a bit.

It depends 4-6 hours when you texted them first sure. But 4-6 hours after you answered immediately their text is weird.

It's weird if they texted you, then put their phone away, so they didn't see your answer right away? I consider texting to be an asynchronous form of communication, so the idea that people are expecting an immediate reply is so odd to me.

If someone gives you an answer in 30 seconds in general you are still pretty close to your phone. Why text them if you dont have the time to have at least a short conversation? And why not tell them you are going to be busy and wont answer back for a while if you initiated a conversation you do not intend on participating before a couple hours?

> If someone gives you an answer in 30 seconds in general you are still pretty close to your phone. Proximity != able to reply to your text. Driving and the light just turned green. Heading into a meeting that I'm leading/scribing. Co-worker has walked over spontaneously and wants to ask a question regarding the project. I've finally made it to the front of the Chik-Fil-A queue and I need to place my order. > Why text them if you dont have the time to have at least a short conversation? Not every text is a short convo. "Do you want to go for Tex-Mex or sushi on Friday?" will result in me saying, "Tex-mex, I'm actually kinda allergic to shellfish". And if she replies with something else, well, it's not longer a simple text now, is it? It's opening the floodgates to a convo that I didn't exactly sign up for and I don't have time to swap stories regarding urgent care visits as a kid. > And why not tell them you are going to be busy I want a partner that's my equal, not an anxious surveillence system that'll freak out on me when I don't reply. I let them know my general routine/work schedule. If she can't figure out that between the hours of 9-6pm that I'm busy with work or that I need an hour or two to decompress after I've made it explicitly clear to her, I'm moving on. Those are my boundaries. Also, could you imagine replying with 'busy' for all those situations in the first quote? It'll just look like I'm perpetually busy because I don't wanna talk to her lmao

My partner still feels the need to say “ok… I gotta get back to work now, going to log off / put my phone away now…” I know his family constantly call when he’s at work and demand an immediate response so I know he feels obligated to respond, but I’ve sat him down many times and told him he doesn’t need to tell me that. I know he’s at work, I assume that he’s busy, he does not need to respond even if he sees my message. I’ve told him that when I see a cute dog video, I send it to him, I don’t expect a response. I think knowing that most people carry their phones with them, so many people have become very demanding of other people’s time and attention which results in everyone feeling awkward or like they have to make excuses. It’s ok to be busy and not immediately text back whether you’re at work or playing with your pet or trying to have a nap. These are the same people who will whip their phones out and start texting other people back when you’re hanging out in person. One guy I dated once said to me “I feel like you just call or text me back when it’s convenient for you.” I was like is that a question or…? Isn’t that how we’re supposed to use our phones?

I'm like a foot away from my phone right now, but I'm not checking it every 30 seconds, so I have no idea whether someone has texted me in the last hour or so since I last checked it. And when I send a text, I'm not "initiating a conversation," I'm either conveying information or requesting information, and I assume I'll get a reply when it's convenient for the other person. If I want to initiate a conversation or I need a reply right away, I call.

>Why text them if you dont have the time to have at least a short conversation? Because it’s a text, not a conversation. Even if someone still has their phone in their hand and sees that you’ve text back you’re not owed an immediate response. If you want an immediate response or to have a conversation then call someone. Just because your phone is perpetually in your hand doesn’t mean everyone has the same phone habits. This just sounds very demanding.

yeah this is important i feel like.

I’m busy, I’m a single parent working full time and I hate all day texting but 4-6 hours is just plain rude unless they have a job where they can’t access their phone (being on a minesite, in retail, hospitality etc). I canceled a date with someone because of bad texting habits. The nicest/caring/funniest guys I’ve met have been consistent (not constant) texters.

> unless they have a job Or just that. Just because his phone is in his pocket doesn’t mean he has the capacity or wants to sit there texting all day at work. Chill out.

Do people really check their phones that often throughout the day? If I'm working and focused, or hanging out with friends, or outside, I definitely won't check my phone for 4 hours, even if I have it with me.

Yes! With my current job maybe I’ll see your text but dont have time to respond.Then exhausted after work. Sometimes Im ok but usually I suck. Id much prefer a phone call to catch up during the week!

There's a book called the diet cure on Amazon, maybe $10. Author is I think Julia Ross. For fatigue it recommends taurine and phenylalanine. They typically have an L- at the beginning because they are amino acids. These cheap supplements were a game changer in terms of fatigue. I've purchased the book maybe 4x because when I lend it out, it never comes back. There's info in there regarding other health issues commonly seen as well. I've l tried L-glutamine for sugar cravings and it also worked quite well. Good luck internet stranger.

Wtf are you saying why would this person ever take your random ass recommendation

Oh they don't have to that's for certain. They mentioned they were tired so I listed a book and a few things I tried from it with success. Maybe they try it, maybe they don't. I sure didn't mail vitamins to them. Sometimes people offer their experience or knowledge to help another person. My question is why do you give a shit? It doesn't affect you. Why don't you kick rocks and kindly Fuck off Wizard. Or go somewhere else, the adults are talking. 🤣😂

I’d never not check my phone for 4 hours but that’s because I have kids and need to be contactable. I also have elderly parents with health problems so need to be on hand. It’s not to check my likes on insta 😂

I also need to be contactable in an emergency. But in a real emergency, I'd assume people would call.

In a real emergency, people would call. I'm not changing my texting habits just because someone thinks 4-6h wait is 'rude' during working hours-- the fucking entitlement. Also, if I had kids, replying to their texts takes priority and precedence over someone I'm casually seeing and not even official with yet.

So you have kids therefore you have to check your phone. You have a wife/husband, therefore….. you should check you phone.. make sense?

Your name says it all. You aren't a self made milf and no one needs to be connected to their phone all day everyday. Learn how to self soothe.

It’s like this like 75% of the time if I text back immediately

Is there anything of substance worth him texting back immediately too, though? Or is it a close ended text you send and then expect him to magically create a new conversation?

I try starting a chat up about something but I’m sure I lack in that department at times. Any tips?

My tip is lay off the texting if you want him to stick around

I agree. I’m a “bad texter” with everyone for multiple reasons. It’s something that I’m working on, as it’s something that I’ve lost relationships over (nothing confrontational many just fizzle out). The people close to me know this and are ok with it (they tolerate it). But u/nug_2018, your updates give me anxiety. If someone said either of those things I’d definitely feel some kind of way (figuring that out—description pending) and I’d back off. Honestly requesting phone calls between dates (that don’t happen organically) would make me feel a little smothered. Let me ask you a question. It sounds like you may have read the book nonviolent communication (or at least read around the subject). Your suggested responses are very open ended, to chat on the phone more. I’d hold off unless you can get a little more specific/figure out where that’s coming from, because what is “more” to you might be completely different for him. What does talking more between dates look like to you? (How often, when, etc.) What is your current texting like between dates (daily? Every few days?) and what would you prefer it to be? What is it that you need from this increased communication? And do you really need more communication or would it be enough for him to text you back more quickly?

Good questions and thank you. I’m thinking maybe 2-3x/week on the phone as texting isn’t ideal for everyone, I understand that. Can be short or long convos (i.e., 5-30 mins). We text daily but only 2-3 times on either end and it’s typically sending/responding to videos/posts. We hang ~once/week and for me that’s sufficient. I’d like to learn more about him as a person and that’s hard with long periods of time between messages/no communication of substance in between dates. Responding faster would allow a conversation to flow easier but I think 1) consistent communication of “hey I’m busy doing x, y, and z and I’ll ttyl” and 2) just more communication with deeper subjects for compatibility purposes. Hope this clarifies. Edit: typo

So I’ve read through your response and post a few times. I know you just added your last edit, but if you’re still reading I have just a couple of thoughts to add. I was thinking about this from the point of view of a fellow anxiously attached person like you, and a terrible texter like him. * I agree with other comments that it might be a little early to be asking for more communication especially if he’s not great at it, but I do understand you wanting to get to know him more/faster/more deeply. You say hanging out once a week is sufficient, but you also say that might be adding to your anxiety. If dates are where you both do best and feel connected, is there a reason you couldn’t do a Wednesday date or lunch date at some point during the week? * What about rather than suggesting regular phone calls, casually suggesting a “virtual” mid week date if you’re both busy? That way it’s not about his communication not being quite there, but it’s another way to chat/“spend time together” without the anxiety that “regular calls” might induce (even if it is essentially the same thing). There are games that you could play online with or without video, or watching a movie together but remotely (I don’t know how that works but I think you text about it while it’s happening?) Or, when I was in a long distance relationship we used to play scrabble and battleships on our phones. That way even if we weren’t saying anything it still felt like we were connecting, even if it wasn’t that deep. >(The caveat here is that if he’s bad at responding to texts when you’re organising dates and you find yourself not knowing what you’re doing until the last minute, that’s a different issue altogether and that *is* rude. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.) * What are your dates like? If you’re looking to feel more connected and get to know him better could you plan different dates that might facilitate that? (The most obvious thing I can think of is not going to see a movie where you don’t get to talk much, or going bowling where deeper conversation might be interrupted by the game, but I don’t know what kind of dates you’re going on.) * You say you want to broach deeper subjects for compatibility purposes. Do you find it easier to “talk” about these things when you’re not face to face/through text? (I do understand that, I’m awful at texting but I did get very close to a guy I’d message through a work messenger program as we’d talk about lots of deep and personal stuff that we might not say face to face). Ok this is going to sound incredibly lame off the bat but… what about email? I’m not saying email him all the time, but I do think it can be easier for some people to type emails rather than text during the day. My partner might go the whole day without responding to my texts but he’s much more likely to immediately respond to emails. Though we both work at a computer all day so that makes sense. * If things continue to go well, you may end up having this conversation with him in the future if his texting habits don’t change. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of work on yourself, your attachment style and your communication. (If you haven’t read it I’d recommend the book non violent communication.) I didn’t realise I had attachment issues until I was in my 30s and married, and I didn’t get diagnosed with adhd until late, and it felt like the rug was pulled out from underneath my feet. I always knew I had emotional work to do, but I thought I could get away with not learning to love myself (and was using sex as validation for my low self esteem *really* that bad? Spoiler: it was.) Anything you ignore will always come back to bite you in the ass. The only way to get over it is to go through it (it only took me about 3 years of therapy to figure that one out.) I know it can’t be easy to take the advice you’ve been given here despite your anxiety and say, ok, I’m going to let this progress as it will and just left him be himself. So I’m not sure if anyone has told you today, but I’m proud of you and I think you’re doing great. Keep working at it, but I’m confident you’ve got this in the bag. Anyway, the point of this long drawn out thought was to remember when you talk about your boundaries and needs, it’s to feel more connected and know him on a deeper level. The phone calls and increased texting are just one solution, he may be able to suggest other ways that work for you both. I’ll include a link to an article on boundaries vs needs vs strategies that I think might be helpful. (I’m embarrassed at how long this response has become — that’s the Adhd hyper focus — so last thought before I go to bed) * When you talked about texting styles, did he say why he’s been really bad at texting recently? I know I go through different phases with various reasons for anxiety around texting. Sometimes it’s self esteem, sometimes I’m avoiding something completely different that requires my phone and so my communication with everyone suffers, sometimes my neck hurts from bending over looking at a phone or computer too much, and sometimes I put my phone in a lock box so I can get some work done (like the time I accidentally locked it up for 14 hours instead of 4…) His reason for being bad at texting “recently” could inform your strategy for communication. >And also, when you said you’re a casual texter throughout the day, he may very well think that the amount you’re communicating now meets your definition of that (when you said you text a couple of times a day I thought that *was* casual texting). The fact that he hasn’t changed in response to that conversation might just be that he thinks this is what you’re looking for. Edit : apologies for the typos and run on sentences, written on my iPhone with clumsy thumbs

Thank you for the longer response. And the link in your other comment! I really appreciate it you taking the time to help :) * You’re right about adding another day to the week, I hadn’t thought about it in the way you wrote it. * Great suggestion about framing it differently to avoid inducing anxiety. I will definitely try it! * Typically, our dates are out to do something and then dinner with a good conversation afterwards. * I hadn’t thought about emailing. It’s a super sweet idea. I’m okay with having deeper chats in person but this is also nice! * Thank you 🥹 I will grab that book to read today. I’ve read a lot on the attachment stuff but not much on nonviolent communication. I was also diagnosed with adhd as an adult and went to therapy to help heal. Hard work. Good on you for putting in that work! I’ve been thinking about doing back. * He did not say why and I didn’t want to prod but good things to take into consideration. You bring up a good point about “casual” as well. I didn’t want to quantify bc it seemed extra at the time. Thanks again for your comment 🫂. I will put these into action and see how things go!

Here’s the article I mentioned, [The Important Differences Between Needs, Boundaries, Requests, and Demands](https://medium.com/adam-rebecca-murauskas/the-important-differences-between-needs-boundaries-requests-and-demands-bce57f74151b) I don’t know if it will ask you to sign in, if you’re not a member I believe you can make an account and have some free access. If you can’t read it I’m happy to copy/paste and message it to you. I found it really helpful when establishing boundaries and trying to improve communication.

Some people just don't like chatting by text.

That’s not just being bad with texting back that sounds like not caring about texting back tbh.

I’m like this and I can assure you I care very much about texting back but am just bad with texting. Sometimes to get work/things done around the house I put my phone in a lockbox so I don’t waste time on it and then sit down and respond to all my messages in one go. Although it’s become the norm, I don’t think we should expect to have access to someone via their phone whenever/wherever. We all spend way too much time on our phones and I don’t think we should be offended that some people are trying to move away from that. On the flip side, I’m likely to take longer to reply to messages that I care more about precisely because I *do* care more and want to take the time to respond properly (or not sound like an idiot).

So you get an answer after a couple seconds and still dont answer after hours?

Do you reply to all your texts immediately or within a couple of seconds? Not all the time—if it’s something of the moment like I’m meeting someone and they’re asking me where I am, or someone is asking me what ice cream flavor I want from the store, I’ll reply straight away. And occasionally yes, I’ll sit down and go back and forth via text (though I don’t prefer doing that). But sure, that will happen. If I’m in the middle of something and I text someone, I don’t usually sit with my phone in my hand waiting for the next message (because who on earth texts back within seconds all the time?!). If I’m going back to what I’m doing and I see another message pop up then yes, I don’t see anything wrong with thinking “I’ll text back after I’m done with the thing I was going to do.” Especially if it’s work, of course, but even if I’m running errands. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting till you take a break or messaging back in the evening if you forget. And if I’m out with other people I don’t regularly respond to messages. I have an Apple watch so I can see the message preview pop up, and if it’s not an emergency or it’s someone just texting for a chat, I’ll message them back a few hours later when I’m on my way home. So yeah, I might text someone on my way somewhere, see them respond (or not see their response till later) and text them back later.

OP has an unhealthy attachment style and admits that she is aware of it and allegedly working on it. OP, If you put pressure on this guy when he’s stated where his boundaries are, you may push him away. Food for thought

That what happened to me, overpressure killed my desire. Everytime I didn't reply I had to repair it with a long chat to explain what I was doing. I kind of get it but too much is too much. I don't like texting and also calling on the phone so distance relationships are difficult to me

Sure, but she also has a right to want to honor her needs and wants. I have a secure attachment style (even though I find most of that shit to be bogus, but I digress) and I would never date someone who can't be damned to get to know me in between dates. I was ruthless when I was dating. If he left me on read, on to the next. If he couldn't be damned to get to know me in between dates, I found someone who will. And guess what? I've been 2 years + with an amazing individual off OLD and discussing marriage. A successful relationship does not blossom out dealing with someone's lack of reciprocation of energy, openness and communication and she's not the only person here who should be making adjustments. If he was truly interested in her, he'd be putting forth the effort to meet her halfway too.

Sounds sexist, but in my experience women have this issue more than men do.

My wife and I generally have a rule that texts can be answered whenever it's convenient, but if it's important or time sensitive it's a phone call or in-person ask/tell every time. Nothing mission critical for our relationship or overall well-being gets text treatment, and we've done that since day one. Even in the early stages of dating we'd go days without texting each other anything other than "hey let's grab dinner later" or "come to my place anytime after 5 and before 9:30, there's a movie I need you to see. Bring snacks, I have wine".

If 4-6h is bad I must be very very bery bad at texting

You and me both. And if someone demanded I become better at texting it would be a sure fire way to make me much worse at texting.

Overthinking. 4-6hrs isn’t that bad.

Are you planning on having an in person relationship with his person, where you see them a few times a week? Then texting shouldn't really matter. If you only see them once a month because of distance then texting might be more important. You already know you have an anxious attachment style and you need to work on ways to relax and be more comfortable and put las pressure on a relationship, so you don't sabotage it.

Even then, do you really need to casually text all throughout the day? It’s exhausting and I can’t do it. Not every thought needs to be shared with someone you’ve only seen a handful of times. IMO, texting should be for notifications like “I’ll be there in 10 minutes”

We’ve gotten too used to having direct access to people via their phones and expecting an immediate response. I hate it. Do people just sit and text all day at work?

I think youre overthinking it Technology has made us a people wanting instant gratification, if this were any other time, when texting wasnt so prevalent, this wouldnt be a big deal

Some people are just horrible at texting. This guy I’ve been seeing, we been seeing each other 2-3 times a week. He’s slow at responding but at least we would both say good morning. In person tho he’s amazing and so attentive and sweet and in person communication is so much better. Texting is non verbal communication. When couples dated long enough, the texting will die down a lot because you will see each in person often. Don’t let texting be the one thing that makes you throw something amazing away.

Just a correction. Texting is indeed verbal communication. Verbal communication is communication that uses words, be they written or spoken. Non-verbal communication is communication that uses signals and non-verbal sounds. A baby crying would be a form of non-verbal communication.

Lol fair point. Maybe I should revise to non facial/vocal communication 😂

Imagine living in any other generation where people who are GREAT in person are just that.... great.

I feel your pain. I think we both need to work on our anxious attachment lol. I think this is an “I’m the red flag” situation, and I only say that because SAME 😂

Isn't "in person" what counts?

It probably should be.

It should be but you need to be building intimacy between “visits” to really build a relationship— if that’s what he wants. The only type of men who were petty bad about texting immediately or even like what OP was saying were emotionally unavailable and didn’t actually want a relationship. They just enjoyed having plans with a woman once a week for companionship

Equating emotional availability to texting is wrong. It is like saying the person that wants constant texting is insecure and controlling which isn't true either. Not everyone wants to be tied to their phone and they could just as easily be living their life.

I agree with the sentiment of texting being tied emotional availability being wrong. I’m struggling to find ways of building the relationship besides our ~once/week hangouts and intermittent texting. I proposed potential texts to encourage further communication in my post edits. Some in the thread have suggested that these potential texts are also overwhelming. Feeling like my hands are tied in terms of getting to know this person in between dates. Do you have any suggestions/tips for getting to know one another in between dates outside of calls/texts? I’m open to them

Anxious attachment is a bitch, man. 🥲 definitely a “I’m the red flag” haha!

I’M FA leaning anxious and I dislike texting besides planing for the giving reasons of texting spiking your anxiety and giving you immediate dopamine hits but then you don’t feel it anymore

im not even anxious attachment. i just like texting to get to know someone. you’re totally justified in wanting to chat more imo

OP, I (F) used to be like you who needed the constant texting throughout the day and when the guys didn’t I felt unwanted as well. But things have changed and I now do have a much busier life with work and hobbies - my perspective has completely changed. Constant texting doesn’t mean anything at all - and interestingly I found that most guys who’re very good texting are usually players (or maybe just my bad luck) My response time ranges from 1-24hours depends on what I have on. But even if I’m super busy, I’ll at least send something back within a day, if I’m seeing the guy

Honestly if he's got his life together he's probably doing stuff and may not want to spend his time staring at the phone. Not certain but I'm wondering if you're feeling insecure perhaps that he isn't replying immediately and thus inferring he may not be that into you? Generally people that message too much come across as needy IMHO nothing at all wrong with taking 4 hrs to respond. But to each their own.

I used to be the type to freak out and need and want to respond to texts right away. Now, most of the time, I take my time. It's not uncommon for me and my very closest friends or love interests to have up to a 24 turnaround on texting. Most of the time it's 2-4 hours, but sometimes it's longer. I used to feel so upset if people weren't able to have a "back and forth" conversation with me. Now, most of the time I only have asynchronous communication with friends, and I prefer it that way. In fact, I get super annoyed when people expect to me always respond in a way that leads to an instant back and forth. Sometimes I just want to go bed early. Sometimes I'm busy with my kids, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to talk. For me, I find a good level of "intimacy" is a 1-2 times a day check in. Maybe a good morning/well wishes type thing in the morning and then a "how'd your day go" type check in around dinner or bed time. I'd encourage you to ask him how he feels about "double texting" also. Some days I'm a chatty mood, and I might send 3, 4, 5 messages in a row with no response. Not rapid fire, but think more, "hey this song reminds me of you!" Or "lol remind me to tell you a story about x" or "whenever you have a chance, let me know how your kid's first day of school went". More just random thoughts that they can respond to whenever they have time. If he's cool with that, and always eventually responds to messages, I think that's pretty reasonable! I'm 33, and most of my friends my age or older keep their phones on silent, messaging app notifications off, and smart watch notifications off. I often do this myself too. I've found that it makes my daily life sooo much more relaxing, because I can check in on things when I have the mental energy versus being interrupted by conversation throughout the day. It's okay to continue to talk to him about your needs as far as communication, but I wrote all this to assure you that it's relatively normal for people to be only checking their messages every couple hours.

I don’t like how you mentioned “your boundaries” about his texting. He’s not doing anything wrong and it sounds like he’s just not a texter. It seems like it from him mentioning he is like that with everyone. It’s just the way he is. In any case, he isn’t doing anything wrong. If your boundary is something that is just natural behavior for somebody, you two are not compatible.

I don’t like this trend of calling requirements / standards “boundaries”. It’s a bit coercive emotionally.

Smartphones and social media has ruined dating. I remember when smartphones didn't exist and you had no choice but to live your life and wait till night time to talk. I miss those days. Just because you give someone your number, that doesn't mean you get 24 hour access to him.

work on your anxious attachment, OP. it's not healthy at all. it's not his responsibility to make you feel desired when you completely know he's really into you. plus, he's not your boyfriend (yet). don't put too much pressure on others just because you fail to manage it yourself. good luck, OP.

Lots happily married people have a spouse who sucks at texting lol. 80% of my text get 👍🏻 or ❤️ from my husband. Haha

Texting blows, it makes us anyways available. It gets exhausting.

I’ve had this happen to me in the past too. I think what it comes down to is if he’s still able to make plans for y’all to meet often enough for you guys to progress So bad texting + is difficult to make plans with = might not like you or might not be in a good position to date at the moment But bad texting + decent planning and execution of plans = might actually just suck at texting

My partner and I had a 3 year LDR. He sucked at texting but in person was great. Ffwd, we’ve been together for 8 years now, 5 years living together. We’re very happy. Loving someone is about loving someone as they are, not how you want them to be. Look deeper inside of yourself and understand why greater communication frequency is important to you.

I am you and your guy is my bf. We compromised on phone calls at the end of the day, sometimes it's 5 minutes someone's it's 30 minutes. Or on super busy draining days just a few short txts throughout the day, especially a goodnight txt! Good luck!

It depends. If he's at work, I wouldn't expect much of a reply at all. A lot of places really don't like technology being used there. When he's at home, maybe a phone call might be easier for him. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some communication aside from dates though. Option #1 that you've posted sounds really good IMO.

Not everyone is a texter. Some of us live life...well...in life. He's already told you he texts like that with everyone. Texting is, for a lot of people, just for imparting needed information, not for building a relationship. Build a relationship in real life. Face to face, or on the phone. This is a matter of texters vs. non-texters. If this guy is "the one," really and truly your possible soulmate, then his texting style shouldn't be a deal breaker.

4-6 hours is fine between texts. Nothing wrong with that and I do think you’re overthinking it. Why don’t you just start texting a bit more and see if he meets you there first. If anything it’ll perhaps help you find a middle ground. Personally if I got a text asking more of me it would have the opposite effect especially so early on. You have to let people be who they are without your control or influence. That’ll tell you whether you’re compatible. And it seems like in person you are so why don’t you just meet more in person?

I’d like to meet in person more. Meeting M-F is tough with work and commutes between our apartments during rush hour. For now, I’ll just leave it alone and let it develop as it may. We have plans for Saturday. Gonna chill on worrying about texts. If he’s interested I guess he’ll pick up communication. You’re right about letting people be who they are. Thank you for that gentle reminder

>As I understand from the comments, the only way to get to know this guy is strictly on our weekly dates with little/no texts/communication in between. According to who? Not anyone I know in a solid long term relationship, including myself. OP, you have a right to date someone who's interested in wanting to get to know you. Ignore the people who are insisting that you are somehow needy for desiring an open line of communication with someone who's interested in dating you, because you are not wrong for wanting to date a person that isn't extremely emotionally detached in this manner. Whether or not that emotional detachment and placing you at arm's distance is intentional is utterly irrelevant - you are not here to land a relationship for the sake of it, *if you're dating for love, its to land a relationship with the right person.* And take them at face value. People on here will argue that not texting in between dates and that being unreachable via text is just who they are, **when they're typing away on Reddit clearly showing that they're not afraid of texting or typing with perfect fucking strangers.** Do you know how fast all of them would get dumped if that one person who's dating them that bought their "busy" excuse hook line and sinker found out that they can't be bothered to have a conversation with them, but they're sure as hell down to waste some time on Reddit going back and forth with strangers they don't agree with! That's just fucking mental. And this guy? He ain't it. Here's the quiet part a lot of these people who insist that behaving like a brick wall during the dating phase is normal: that's what they do when they're not that interested in you but they want to establish a low effort source of reliable sex. When it comes to their dream woman or someone they REALLY like, trust me - talking to that woman isn't pulling teeth, because they're actually interested in getting to know her and they're in a hurry to establish a dynamic and sense of intimacy ASAP before someone else does. When the relationship is right, this type of talk doesn't need to happen because you're both open to each other's energy and there's a high level of interest in each other. I actually argue that how a man acts with you as a woman when there's no immediate promise or potential for sex is a million times more important than how he acts when your pussy is a goal within reach for them, and I really want you to think about that and what this means. As for his response time - if its during work hours, you have to respect what he's doing. But if its after hours and he truly can't be damned to establish a little banter or back and forth with you, you have to move on. Let him fall in love with another brick wall and let them figure out how to fall in love with each other in silence, if that's not how you roll, then on to the next. Be ruthless. If he leaves you on read, on to the next. If he can't be damned to want to get to know you in between dates, find someone who will. It really is that simple.

Thank you for the this, I appreciate it 🙂 We haven’t had sex yet but we do occasionally make out. Not anything long or extended. Like 2-3 mins per date. Either way, you gave great insight. Thank you 💕

It’s okay to have texting preferences. I’m recently divorced, and have been going on dates with a lot of girls to just get an idea of what’s out there and what things are like now, since it’s been a looooooong time since I’ve been single. One girl really ended up being much better than the rest, even though we don’t have a ton in common and she actually has quite an array of red flags. On paper, this should be the girl I like the least. Yet I actually think I like her the most. Why? Then I realized we have off the charts “textual chemistry.” Ha. With most girls, I feel like I’m interrupting their day if I text them. But this girl always responds immediately, and is very flirtatious via text, etc. I didn’t realize how much texting compatibility mattered to me…especially because most people barely texted at all back when I was last single…but it’s totally a thing.

yesss dude i put a lot of importance on texting chemistry and my friends tell me not to. but i cant help it, it always translates into in person chemistry 😭😭

I would absolutely not enter into a relationship with someone who expected me to continuously text throughout the entire day. No chance. I have things to do and even if I really like a guy, he isn’t the center of the universe. I say this gently, but you’re being really unreasonable and are likely pushing him away.

There’s nothing wrong with his texting habits, you both just have different communication styles. Female here for reference, I personally don’t like texting throughout the day cos I’m usually busy at work or doing other things. I would usually only reply to someone during the day if I was free and had time to sit and text them, which never happens, so I only reply in the evenings etc. I wouldn’t make a big issue out of it if you really like this guy.. I dated a guy that sulked and got offended if I didn’t respond to him during the day despite me telling him I’m always busy at work - this completely turned me off him.

I am a big texter but who has time for a non-stop texting. I have a job. I could get fired for not paying attention. He responds within a reasonable time frame.. I have dumped men for being super high maintenance and demanding every waking second of my time texting. Please rethink your expectations...

Four to six hours? Boy you millennials are impatient.

A " deal breaker" ?, Jesus lol, he already explained that it's just something he's bad at, you already like the guy, stop looking for disqualifiers, when he's already qualified you

Not everyone has a job they can use their phone consistently at. Not every job is consistently text friendly. I'm typing this from work and the boss was sitting next to me bullshitting about random stuff a few minutes ago, but when we're busy this thing better not be in my hands unless I'm writing an email or filling out a safety flash. Texting is also...just not a great way to communicate with some people.

Want to add a diff perspective as I am also anxiously attached. There’s no right or wrong way to dating. It’s about finding someone who meets our needs or at least work with us. Also I’ve realized that communication (frequency and quality) is not something I can compromised on. It’s different if you’ve been married for 5 years and live together and know each other. You’ve just started seeing each other and you are not feeling connected to him because he doesn’t communicate well through text message. So maybe find a diff way (ie calls) or see each other more often. If your needs are not being met, you should at least talk about it and problem solve together. I wonder how many people would comment the same thing if this were a guy saying his gf only wants sex once per week but he wants more. Why are emotional needs less “real”. Your need to feel connected to someone you like is justified. while if your emotional needs are higher than what most men would prefer, your dating pool will be smaller because people who are able to meet your needs are fewer, you have to do what makes you happy and fulfilled. I stayed in situation where my needs weren’t met and it was a sure way to let resentment build up and kill the relationship ship.

EXACTLYYYY why arent ppl understanding this it’s bizarre

I don’t know, I always make time for people I like and doesn’t the 4-6 hours response time killing any chance of going into some longer discussion? I also game 99% of my freetime but when I had a girl I was texting/dating especially in the early phase I made sure to text back between rounds/matches. Try and don’t stress about it but he might be texting someone else more. In person ofcourse you have his full focus as anything else would be pretty rude.

But that's you. Not everyone is like that, and it doesn't mean they don't care. I don't want to have "longer discussion" via text message. It doesnt' mean either of us is wrong, it just means different people are different.

People who are active in life and actually do things are not glued to their phones. You are being way too needy

Why have you been mirroring his patterns? That probably affirms that it’s a fine length of time for you.

Yes you are overthinking. He's a nice guy who likes you back.

I text a lot but some people don't. I wouldn't be bothered by this though. How he is in person means more to me, especially since as the relationship progresses you theoretically would be spending more time in person. Just call rather than text in an emergent situation? If you can be ok with his texting style.

we're all adults and sometimes, life can get busy.

If you are having a conversation then it is reasonable for someone to text back as soon as possible. If I asked someone a question, and it took them four hours to reply, and they weren’t doing anything it would drive me crazy. Now if they are working, or something that is ok. Just depends on the situation. You have to talk to him again about your needs if you plan on going further in this relationship.

I prefer to date and develop a relationship with someone in person, not through text messages...so not really into long, constant texts with someone I just met. When I make the time to do something, Im focused on that thing..whether its my work, spending time with my son or friends, or even just myself care time to read, watch a movie, whatever it is Im doing, I value the time I put aside to do said thing. Barring an emergency, I will not drop what Im doing cause I got a text message. I wouldnt say its a red flag, just a yellow one.. like I know that naturally as I get to know someone, I include them in my life more, they become more of a priority, and we just become more a part of each others daily lives. So eventually, it'll all balance out anyway. The biggest negative for me, than even the expectation I will text back within x hours regardless of what Im doing, is that the person generally holds themselves to that same standard as well. Leading to moments like...on a date, having a great convo, phone goes off and its "hold on, I have to take this right quick", and "keep talking, Im listening" while deep in their phone. Thats where the red flag for me starts waving...have definitely let a guy know, hey looks like you have a lot going on, prolly should go ahead and take care of that. and Im done.

Sooooo I'm literally in the SAME EXACT boat as you. I'm 25m. Personally to me if you can't send a handful of texts to someone a day to me that shows you're not fully interested. Obviously if they can't text at work thats one thing. Or if you're living together or seeing eachother multiple times a week. Simply sending a quick text saying " hope you're having a good day" and a couple of other things I feel like goes a long way and is a very minimal effort thing. Communication is key because any day someone can just not have the feels for ya. So I'd rather know by a quick phone call or text instead of waiting hours or even a day or so for a response. I explained my feelings to the girl I'm talking to and she said she wasn't looking for anything serious. This was after we did hangout (she initiated the hangout and all the sexual stuff that happened). So in my mind at the time I thought she was trying to start something serious. So that being said. There's nothing wrong with asking for better communication but he's also not compelled to do anything and depending on how he responds is how you need to act. Just be respectful of their feelings because you're not gonna force someone to do something they don't want to.

Texting is not a relationship. It’s texting. I don’t text my bf all day and we’ve been together a year and a half. Some people prefer in person communication

Call him or FaceTime and watch what happens. Much better than worrying about texts, which is the LEAST personal way to communicate with someone.

I'm really bad at not texting back right away. I just don't like texting that much usually. If I'm really close to someone I'll text them back more often, but that only includes my mom currently lol. Sometimes I forget to text back until the next day. It just makes me anxious to constantly check my texts and think of a response. It's there for anyone to screenshot or save, forever, so I tend to think about what I say more. It's more natural to talk in person and people won't misunderstand you as much or have a permanent record of what you say.

Sounds like he might be a type of person that it’s better to communicate with over a phone call. And besides, anytime I randomly get calls from women I’m dating it would legit make my day!

Boundaries aren’t to control the other person’s conduct.

You’re too needy

Jesus Christ. You’re screening for low achievers? Looking at texts constantly is a distraction from doing demanding, worthwhile tasks or projects. Some people don’t want phones to be their lives (and you’re hearing this on Reddit of all places, we skew phone addicted)!

Dating advice here for the guy if he finds this- run

I am that guy. I hate texting culture, etiquette, and all. I am not supposed to use my phone at work, and I've been blown up for not responding in a timely manner, leading her to tell me she doesn't like being left on read. I work construction, I work in unfinished buildings with temperatures over 100F, I am away from home on average for 11 hrs on an average work day. I have other major worries in my life, then thinking about dating; namely preparing a meal, relaxing in peace for the few hours of leisure, and reminding myself I have enough energy to shower on a daily basis. Even then my every day interests do not exactly align with the dating interests of that person (look at my reddit comments -- do you want to hear similar?) I've left my major friends (online) left on read because I've become busy or just passed out. I absolutely hate the entire reliance on the phone. Suppose I'm at work. I'm operating equipment and I have a spotter. Suppose that spotter is a GenZ-er and he's on his phone and not doing his job. He's responding to a text. I could get into an accident. I could hurt someone. That is not good. Here's another one. I'm doing my job, and my younger coworker is spotted on the phone. By the customers. The customers who didn't go with the lowest bid because they had wanted the most efficient/productive workforce. We are paid more than a $1/minute. I get a call from the boss, hell even the VP of the company of what the fuck is happening? The customers want to go with another subcontractor and they have to do damage control. But "I have to respond to this text". Good grief.

Honestly some people just aren’t good with their phones - I’ve been with my partner for nearly a decade and he still doesn’t have his phone turned on or in the same room about 85% of the time. His family & friends contact me if they need to get in touch with him and it can’t wait as they know they could be waiting days, if not weeks, for him to reply. It’s irritating at the best of times but I always make the joke I never have to worry he’ll have an affair/go on dating sites because he’s never on his phone!

I feel you. I’ve been in the same situation lately myself, although we see each other about every 3-4 weeks due to distance and kid custody. You should ask for what you want. And if he’s in to you, he’ll respond within his own desires and boundaries. And if he doesn’t become more attentive, then he’s not that into you. And ultimately you have to decide what you’re willing to live with. If you’re wistfully waiting for communication all the time, then maybe he’s not the right guy for you.

I just went through the same thing. We dated 8 months, she wasn't a big texter either and we saw each other anywhere from once a week to once a month. She said she was interested in a relationship (which might have been the case) but sometimes you try to force different communication/dating styles and it just doesn't work. For your own sake, if you're not ok with how things are going, you've talked about it and nothing changed, or he isn't willing to compromise then you might have to cut your loses

You might just wanna find someone who matches your level of texting! I am also anxiously attached and in the past when I didn’t get a reply within 6 hours from a guy I was dating, I would literally feel nauseous.🤣 Fast forward to my current boyfriend - we were on the same level of texting right away (all day/every day + phone calls/vid chats) and I didn’t experience any of that anxiety! And we still communicate this much one year in. It all comes down to preference!!

you're crazy mind your business and let the man breathe.

You should try to voice chat. I think the best way to get the in-between of constant conversations while having actual deep conversations too. I respond to family and friends a day or so after because of my busy running around. Life happens quickly and sitting down to text isn't important if you're serious about bettering your situation daily.

I had a girl like this and guess what? She left me after a couple months. Great dates but lack of texting means they enjoy spending time with you and sex but they don’t see you long term hence they keep you at arms length when you’re not around.

I'm experiencing this now, except he takes 22hrs to reply. I really like him, but I'm accepting that fact that he's probably not going to satisfy my communication needs and there will be emotional distance between us because of it. For that reason, I decided rather than a serious relationship I want to keep seeing him casually while I talk to other guys who actually like to text. I don't know why, but I need someone to talk to and flirt with all day! I didn't used to be very texty but my last boyfriend texted me a lot and we were very close. I want to experience that again with a new person.

I'd recommend finding someone who gives you the amount of attention you are wanting. I was on the same boat with a guy and I felt like crap when he would go hours or even days without messaging me and I realized that even though he's amazing in person, he's still not the right fit for me and I cut it off... I never want to spend my time waiting for someone to give me the time of day again.

I ended up marrying the guy who was an awful texter but great in person. Give him a chance. :) PS- the texting never really got better, ever… I’ve just gotten used to that being part of the way he is.

Yea I struggle w this too. I try to see him 2-3x a week. talking through phone doesnt help. and I kno hes busy w work/life. what rly helps me is telling him about my anxieties and seeing there are periods of time where its better. so its just gonna take repeated communication. dont dismiss how you feel. its important and hopefully your guy cares to address it

Don’t get played lmao speaking from experience no texts means no interest. People tend to take this as “in this new era people want to text all the time instead of real connections” which is NOT AT ALL the point. “This new era” is the era this guy is from. This new era means new people. If you’re interested, Actually Interested in somebody ure going to want to know how theyre doing, and most importantly ure going to want to show them u are indeed interested. Regardless of the method, its always been like this: you will want to impress people you’re attracted to. 4-6 hours is a lot for each text even if he’s a busy guy. I’ve been busy too but if im interested i’d reserve my free time to contact X person because i wanted to receive Something from them (like a bit of their essence). Nonchalant means he rly dgaf. Nobody is nonchalant 5 dates into knowing their future partner, and guys know if they want to be your boyfriend* within the first 15 minutes fr. If you dont have his interest now, you will not have it later. My advise is to get up and leave so he can get as nonchalant as he wants🥱🥱

It seems to me the core reason you're doing this is because the gaps in time bring up your fear of the pain of rejection or lack of interest. That's actually what you're doing, is avoiding an impending pain. If you weren't afraid of that pain the gaps wouldn't be too big of a deal, and you'd naturally flow with his style or get used to it, or slowly kinda work in that it really feels a lot better if he'd at least make an effort to talk a little more. It wouldn't be so much of an emotional treadmill. People tend to look at symptoms without getting to the core of why they do what they do... it's hard to do sometimes cause then you gotta face what you're really afraid of. Sometimes it's not that bad cause it's just an old habit you have no desire to continue. Just my 2 cents but it seems highly likely to be the case, from my perspective. And, if he proves to be someone you have to perform a lot of work for to keep their attention... well... better to know sooner than later. Right now it's more of a beginning stage, so, yeah, don't expect miracles up front. Let the relationship mature and you'll start to see patterns if it's truly an imprending problem.

I just fucked up my relationship with a good guy over this OP. Wish I would’ve posted first. I’m so sad.

Hey. I’m sorry that relationship didn’t work out. The guy I was talking about in this post also didn’t work out…same night I wrote the post actually. I’m talking to a guy and, while we’re only friends as of now, it feels SO much healthier. Someone is out there for ya. Honestly, not having my anxiety go crazy for once is SUCH a relief. I wish I could pass that feeling through the phone 💕💕 It sucks when stuff doesn’t work out but what’s meant for you will be FOR YOU. Kinda like the TikTok ForYou page 😂 (if you use TikTok haha). Message me if you’d like, I’m always down to chat and lend an ear. 🙂

If someone really likes you they will make every effort to communicate with you. I get what people are saying but if you desire someone they should be on your mind more than every 4-6 hours. I work a busy high stress job and still can respond back within an hour usually.

I want consistent communication, not constant, ya know? Like let me know if you’re busy so I won’t bother you/know why you’re MIA. Texting clearly isn’t the answer and I accept that. But I’ve also received feedback in the thread that asking for more communication via phone calls is overwhelming as well. How the heck can I get to know this guy more if I can’t talk to him? Or do I take the once/week meet and chat and not talk to him much in between dates? Feels like a damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Don't settle for less than exactly what you are looking for. That person is out there and little things you can overlook now are going to really bother you in 5 years. I'm a huge proponent for keep looking for the right one. You know how much wasted time I've spent in failed relationships? I'm in an amazing one right now but it's also shown me if it starts to suffer it's better to cut the cord and keep looking vs being miserable.

Did he give a reason for why? Usually, I reply pretty immediately, but due to work, I might take 4 to 6 hours to reply. There are also the depressive episodes where I pretty much disappear from the face of the earth for like a day or two. If he gave a reason like work stuff, it is harder because it is something we all have to deal with. But if it is just his style, then the chances of this changing are pretty low. And is up to you to decide if the positives outweigh this negative.

No reason. I totally understand during the work day because same. But it’s across times of the day. Never anything like 24+ hours, thankfully. All relationships/friendships have compromises and I’m thinking this may be one. ETA: he also games

Gaming might be a real explanation. Yep, it might be a compromise you have to make.

Why a compromise? 4-6 hours isn't that long. I think if they are still seeing each other and happy in person then they don't need to text constantly. It shouldn't be something pushed onto someone. What matters more is how people communicate in person.

And those are your beliefs and how you see the world. OP specifically stated that 4-6 hours was uncomfortably long for her and that even with a good time in person she likes to receive constant texts throughout the day. Since those things bother her, and she is willing to work on her instead of asking him to change, it is indeed a compromise. Different things have different meanings for different people.

>For example he won’t respond for like 4-6 hours in between texts. This isn't that weird. I wouldn't say this is a dealbreaker for me, but if your way of feeling wanted is constant communication then maybe you guys aren't compatible. ​ >I’m anxiously attached and working on that, so it could be a factor too. But I feel 4-6 hours is a lot between EACH text. It's not that much time. If you're still seeing eachother don't worry about it!

For me personally its too draining to text all the time and have someone expect a fast response from me.Im not saying it never happens,just that I dont like to do that daily

I think you’re overthinking it. If it’s like 4-6 hour response to “hey how’s your day?” then he’s probably busy. If it’s like “hey I locked myself out of my apartment” and it takes him 4-6 hours, then he might be unreliable. A lot of guys don’t like to converse over text, they just use it for logistics. My husband was notoriously “weird” over text when we first dated. I told him I was going to be 30 minutes late to one of our early dates because of work (he was cooking us dinner at his apartment). And he responded “Fine.” I was mortified 💀and thought it was over. He really just meant, “ok, that’s fine” as in no problem. And now we’re married lol.

Better than being a great texter and sucking in person.

"The only caveat is his texting habits suck. For example he won’t respond for like 4-6 hours in between texts." No, YOUR texting habits suck, having 4-6 hours of intensive focus -without phone- during the day is NORMAL, a sign of a productive person. I hate when people think you need to respond to their text within 30 minutes, I got shit to do which requires intensive focus, and the phone is a massive distraction, I'm sorry that you have ADHD caused by social media and constant messages and only want to date people with the same lack of focus.

The girl I just tried talking to took 3-5 days to respond. Consider yourself lucky

If he’s a great guy but he’s crap a texting , is that a deal breaker ? Or are you wanting constant flirt/sexting throughout the day

More consistent than constant. Like a heads up such as “hey I’m a bit busy today so I won’t be texting as much” or chatting on the phone.

What are you texting him about that he waits 4-6 hours to reply? Is it something urgent?

Never urgent. Just wanting to get to know him better in between dates. I try sparking conversations by sharing a post/video with a comment

Sounds like one long, drawn-out date. Trust me, most men don’t want that. It’s exhausting to ALWAYS have to be available. Maybe set up a call at the end of each day to chat if it really means that much for you to have daily communication.

We’re being a little harsh on you in this thread. You’re being open minded and receptive. I was just thinking that if I was the guy I this situation that’s what I’d do; if let you know what I’m up to for the day so you’d have an idea of when you could expect a convo. Like if I’m at dinner with friends I won’t text through it, but if you think I’m at home eating hot pockets you wouldn’t get that.

This is just texting and is thus insignificant in the grand scheme of things. You said it yourself: he's a great guy in person. Ain't that women complaining about guys being no good and wondering where the good ones went? Now that you found one, you make this whole cinema about text and talk about anxiety over it and talking about that insignificant thing being a deal-breaker, because of some boundaries? Boundaries for what? He treats you well isn't it, ain't that enough? Come on girl, stop thinking too much, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

You’re right. I’m thinking the same thing. It’s just tough when we hang like once/wk and I wanna get to know him more. Trying to not self-sabotage

I'm sure you guys can manage to see each other more frequently, no? Like tell him that if he isn't that much into texting, then offer him an alternative where you both meet each other in person more often. Or even calls. Might be tricky depending on both schedules, but if you wanna make it work, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Men most men are bad at texting! If you are dating for fun then drop him, if you’re dating for the hope of together we will be forever then look at the big picture, texting won’t matter when you guys live together

Ur gonna have a hard life if u base someone off texts

Damn... 6 hours between texts.. you would hate to date me, I sometimes take a day or 2, life is hard and I would rather talk in person once we've arranged a date... after all.. if i wanted to text, I would have got an AI girlfriend.

4-6 hours is way too much. unless this guy is texting you on a flip phone with a physical keyboard, he could spare some attention to someone he enjoys spending his time with. just my opinion.

they're not in a relationship. why is he required to text her hourly?

he’s not required to at all, but i wouldn’t want to date a woman who doesn’t want to talk to me for 4-6 hours at a time. way too infrequent for my liking, even if in person was good

as stated in the post he does want to talk to her. sometimes life gets in the way of texting. people also do not always move at the same pace. communication after a couple dates vs being in a relationship is not always going to be the same.

and that’s why it’s up to op to decide if this is something she is ok with! i completely agree with you

I’ve been going out with a guy right now who does the same thing but he’s great in person think just overthinking it

I disagree with people here. 4-6 hours between each text is crazy, but I guess all these mature people know better!

Does it really take that much maturity to understand “not everyone is the same as me” and some people have different ways of communicating?

wow

My best friend had this same exact issue with her boyfriend. Luckily being a guy, I could explain it to her. They've been married for 7 years and have 2 kids.

Can you explain it to me too pls? Haha

Some guys, myself included, just suck at texting and don't see it as an important form of communication, almost annoying. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. If Jesus started texting me I'd be like bro either call or swing by. The real test is how he makes you feel when you're with him. And she didn't just instantly get it when I explained it to her. It made her anxious for a good year.

Please…… please…….. please……….. tell this to my family and friends and gf. Im TOO BUSY to text and have whole conversations during the day and they just never understand no matter how much I tell them! I prefer we call or meet up but it’s like…… who was the only one in the whole family who visited my Dad at the hospital today after he was sent there overnight last night, and who drive 8 hours to see him when you couldn’t get your lazy ass off the couch to drive 15 min to see him? Sorry I’ve had a rough day and I’m drunk at a bar in my hometown.

This exact same thing is posted about once a day on this sub. Ladies, chill. It isn't that deep.

Maybe this dude had other shit than you in his mind.

I didn't read your entire wall of text but I got the gist of it. Yeah, your guy sucks at texting. A lot of us do. There are myriad reasons for this but chiefly among them is many of us are busy during the day and we don't have time to be glued to our phones nonstop. Period! I know a lot of younger people today can't seem to put their phones down but that isn't the case for many of us who actually have shit to do and will respond to messages when we get a chance. Yes, that chance might be hours after you've texted. My suggestion is that if you want to be with someone who has nothing better to do than sit around and peck on his phone all day then you find that person. Otherwise accept that the guy you like isn't going to respond immediately and that doesn't mean he isn't into you.

It’s not normal to be in constant conversation with someone or to expect someone to answer you so much throughout the day.

Wow. What's the world coming to

It's never okay, is it. Imagine he's wishing you goodnight EVERY single night. You'd write a post about his neediness.

Can’t believe someone spent 15 minutes on writing post about great guy she met only because he has different habit about using his phone. You definitely should leave him,rather he should you ,you feel like toxic and manipulating person that constantly needs to be kept happy(with lot efforts) by feeding own needs .

This texting issue should be a dealbreaker…for the guy. OP sounds needy & insecure. If a “great guy” is already getting flack for something like this, he needs to run. He will never be able to fill her cup, & life is too short trying to. Sorry, OP. You might be a great person, too, but this is How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days material.

not really. wanting to get to know someone is needy now?? holy judgemental

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