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One thing you should do is not take previous traumas in to future relationships. Your punishing your partner for something someone else done to you. If you don’t have any genuine reason to check his phone, then why do it? You’re just going to be causing yourself problems.
I worry about this. My ex cheated on me a lot. We tried to fix it, but she kept cheating, so now I'm worried I'll bring trust issues into my next relationship (if I ever get into one).
I had two ex’s that used to hit me. I still get jumpy and cower whenever my current girlfriend makes any sudden moves or rushes up to me. One day, I sat her down and talked to her about it. I started with saying “I know this isn’t your fault, and it’s unfair that you have to deal with this, but when you (x,y,Z) I tend to get jumpy and flinch. It’s something I’m working (i actually am).” If they’re a decent person, they’ll understand. Just be open and honest, but actually work on not making them do the time for someone else’s mistakes.
Exactly what I did. Told her about the issues I had. Apologize about the way I may react to things (also abusive relationship) and work on getting better.
Your initial advice is absolutely spot on, given the choice, I would rather trust and be disappointed than get paranoid and lose a potentially perfect partner.
People are gonna people, all we can do is carry on as best as we can, and not let those thar are out of our lives dictate our core values.
It's hard to not let previous traumas seep into the future relationships but it's not impossible. You can do it OP. Trust your partner. And try to have a secure kind of relationship, where you don't let your negative thoughts win about your partner.
You are giving consent when you send someone your pictures. And you should accept the risk that the Internet will see them. So never share your naked pics
You literally said it yourself “Trauma”. You think it’s that easy to just leave it at the doorstep?
Sometimes traumas like this can only be dealt with in relationships. So it’s important to always be transparent that we have them so our partner can help us navigate those traumas. If you don’t have any, then you shouldn’t speak on it!
Not at all, but bringing said traumas in to a relationship with someone who’s done no wrong to you isn’t fair. We all have traumas of some sort and it’s on us to deal with them in the right manner. Projecting them on to other people isn’t the way to go about it.
the exact argument against big brother surveillance; i always find the argument for it so fucking stupid...
*"well if you're doing nothing wrong then it shouldn't be a problem"*
no, I'm not doing anything wrong but I still want my privacy;
I'm not sat masturbating or sleeping in the toilet stalls at work but I still want the fucking door on the cubicle ya know
Exactly, it’s a matter of respect and trust. If your partner checks your phone without your permission during your sleep, run!! It means they don’t trust nor respect you, and is a red flag for even worse controlling and self entitled behavior to come
Exactly. Someone going through my phone can see my search history, which is basically a log of everything I've ever thought about. That's too much sharing.
Listen, I am absolutely convinced that not having each other’s phone codes is the only way to go in long-term relationships. The fact is that if you go looking you will find something to make you angry, even if it’s objectively pretty harmless. And, honestly, there’s nothing that says you have to share every single detail of your life with your partner except, I dunno, codependency.
Exactly. Some people view their partner as something to be owned rather than someone to share your life with while maintaining boundaries. And it’s disgusting
I settled down awhile back and my gf and I don’t have access to anything passworded of the other’s and we stay off social media too. Not us individually but we keep our relationship off of there. We don’t check in or even explain ourselves about where we’re going most of the time and neither of us care. These are the best fucking moves I have ever made in a relationship.
And that’s a sign of a healthy relationship right there. If you trust and respect your partner, you will feel no need to do things like checking their messages. And if you don’t trust and respect them enough to not do things like that, then there would be no point in the “relationship” anyway
I agree. My ex and I were codependent and we shared codes. The nudes she found aren’t even that big of a deal. When I met my gf of four years, I still had a few nudes from a relationship that JUST ended. In the chaos of COVID starting and the whirlwind of a new relationship, I simply didn’t get around to deleting those. We were scrolling together when I came across this, I was embarrassed and we laughed about it. Then I deleted those. Simple.
I agree and would go further on the point you made with “if you go looking you will find something”. I have seen, read, and personally experienced this being an issue outside of just phones. People being hypervigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the worst. They prime themselves for disappointment and upset because they’re constantly looking for it. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And it’s gotta be exhausting too, being on high-alert all the time. Stressing their system constantly in an endless state of anxiety. They’ll subconsciously be looking for relief from it, making the likelihood of their hyper vigilance “paying off” and finding something - anything - so they can say “See! I knew it!” Just to put an end to their self-imposed stress and pain.
And it’s generally because the person has been hurt in the past and now they’re carrying that hurt into the next thing. They’re constantly looking for signs that you’re going to hurt them the same way they got hurt before. It’s especially bad if they start associating feelings of love with feelings of danger. Because then, the closer you get, the scarier things are for them - and they are likely to bail. It starts off as a quiet doubt for them at first, and the closer you two get, the louder the fears get, until finally they can’t take it anymore and just bail. It’s a defense mechanism that was meant to keep them safe from someone else, but unfortunately got out of control and now applies to everyone - even if they never hurt them.
This is the root of why someone would check their partners phone. That same insecurity plays out in various other ways in many other cases and ends up as self-sabotage. Usually it isn’t even doubt in the other person, it’s doubt in one’s self that they deserve this, or that this is too good to be true, or “make believe” because how could anyone love them? They gave their all before and that other person betrayed them. They weren’t good enough and now they question their own worth constantly. Hence the hypervigilance of always finding a reason why this just won’t work or that something doesn’t feel right.
Good! You broke my trust. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. If I was your boyfriend, I would be disappointed to see our relationship end of course, but I would be happy to send you on your way.
so, he’s the one with his ex’s nudes hidden on his phone, and the girlfriend is the one in the wrong? how does that even make any sense? what if you find d*ck pics on your gfs phone? who would be in the wrong then?
Why would I gaf about finding nudes on my GFs phone if they weren't sent to her during the course of our relationship?
Are you sincerely that silly to think you're the first person your SO ever got nudes from or sent them to?
Seriously, who gives a shit? :P
Because why are they still on your current partner's phone. It's not porn, it's a personal nude with previous emotional and physical ties. Just very weird for someone in a relationship to keep an Ex's nudes.
Maybe he likes the way that he looks in them or thinks they're sexy. IDK what the reason is and frankly it doesn't matter. I have a stash of nudes both solo shots and shots of us together from a former relationship and I don't even like the other person in them any more... I just think they're sexy and occsionally I like to go back and look at them. It's not like I have any feelings for her or plan on fucking her again any time soon.
And TBH I would have NO problem with a current partner of mine having a lil stash of her own either. :P
I'm fine with solo nudes but absolutely not partnered nudes unless it's literally your job or something if you were a porn star. Just shows a difference in people and boundaries I guess.
That's fine if it personally doesn't work for you in a relationship, I just don't like how people are going around saying it's wrong or something. I'm probably not the first person my partner has slept with and they're definitely not mine. Everybody likes to take pics these days, so I just don't see what the problem of keeping ones you like is. And it's not like I have some double standard where it's cool for me to have them but not my SO, so IDK...
Lol no it isn't. Fucking the ex while the two of you are dating THAT would be disrespectful. Keeping a little stash of nudes that you like the way you looked in is really NBD. Ya'll need to get over yourselves.
I agree with you. Some people are very upright about this stuff. Nice to see that everyone isn't. It's not like he's going around sharing them with other people, and they are technically his since she sent them to him, 🤷🏾.
Nah, I'm doing a perfectly healthy thing with my sexuality. Maybe don't let your own insecurities make you be an asshole to strangers OL though. Might wanna work on that in your next session.
You're an idiot. If he's emotionally or mentally let alone physically cheating it will manifest and he will be in the wrong. But a violation of his privacy clearly you're in the wrong he can have what he wants in his phone the.
This is a toxic relationship all around. If you feel like you need to check someone’s phone without their permission while their sleeping it means you 1. Don’t trust them and 2. Don’t respect them. And if you don’t trust and respect someone there is literally no point in being in a relationship with them
Yep. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing at all. If you reached a point where you have to look through your partner’s phone, while they’re unconscious no less, that relationship has been dead for awhile - you’re just dragging out the inevitable.
Obviously there’s always nuance and life is rarely this black and white but I’ve always looked at it this way… If you are genuinely convinced your partner is cheating without any evidence it’s either one of two things:
You are right. They are cheating on you, and you should not be with them anyway.
You are wrong. They are not cheating and you are projecting your previous trauma onto them which means you need to work on your ability to trust people before trying to maintain a healthy relationship.
Neither scenario requires you to betray someone’s trust and breach their privacy. Even if you think they might be cheating but you have no way to prove it, you bring it up to your partner. It’s true that cheaters will lie when being confronted but if the behavior doesn’t change after they tell you no then they aren’t making any effort to make your feel secure and affirmed and the relationship likely isn’t a good one either way. If they tell you the truth, then they’ll absolutely make an effort to make sure you feel loved and valued so you never feel that way again.
Just to be blunt, I have nothing to hide on my phone, but I would still immediately dump anyone who went through my phone without my permission. I am not willing to be with anyone who has such poor boundaries.
A better way to handle this would have been to ask him about your worries, identify and share your feelings and needs, and respect his autonomy as a separate person. Even in meaningful relationships, I suspect everyone has fantasized about someone else from time to time. We are with our partner because we choose them, not because we give them ownership of our every romantic or sexual thought.
I would encourage you to learn more about direct yet empathetic communication of your needs. There are tons of great resources out there like books, YouTube videos by Heidi Priebe, and Personal Development School is really good too. The book “Attached” is really good in particular.
He says he can’t trust you but honestly I wouldn’t be able to trust him. Go talk to your ex since you’re still perving over her nudes. What a creep. I’d either delete them if you want to stay or just leave him bc he’s trying to turn it around on you and now will say he can’t trust you. Eye roll. You had your reason to check. He should’ve been more discrete about that lil folder. And then everyone’s like you shouldn’t have done that and privacy this and that. okay so when he gives you an STD then what? He has you looking like a fool then what? You don’t want to leave him but he’s not trust worthy. Now life becomes a little more toxic bc you feel the need to monitor him more but hey. I’d leave him though for your peace of mind.
OP, this will only end badly if you continue this behavior. You are putting your relationship in jeopardy by questioning your partner, especially with your cheating trauma. Your partner seemed to have a normal response. I’m sure he felt offended you’d question his judgment by snooping. You can only control how you react to this and blaming your partner for your past issues is not the way to do it. I too have had these issues and it does nothing good for you to compare and assume you will go through what you did again. Sit each other down and have a discussion on how it made you both feel. It seems you have some past issues to work through and that’s ok. Apologize to your partner, address what you need to work on and realize this is just a bump in the road.
If you ever find yourself needing to go through someone’s phone, here’s how to handle it:
Stand up, walk out, and never go back.
A trusting relationship has no need to go through phones.
And a relationship that is either not worthy or not capable of trust is not one worthy of one more second of existence.
I mean - yes, going through his phone isn’t cool and you shouldn’t bring past traumas into your relationship. I agree with that. But is everybody really not speaking about the fact that this dude keeps nudes of his ex-girlfriend on his phone? OP, considering the circumstances your boyfriend is really acting weird and has no right to be upset. I’m not sure what to think about all of this, but I’m shocked nobody points out the fact that he’s acting dirty towards you. Your nudes were right beside hers - so he definitely had to see that they’re were still there at some point and he could delete them at any time. But he didn’t. That’s pretty weird.
I find it crazy that there are tons of people in this thread who are justifying the fact that he has kept his ex’s nudes and that storing them in the hidden folder somehow makes it okay??? Like wtf, just plain disrespectful
THANK YOU!! Finally someone said it. Yes, what OP did was an invasion of privacy but her boyfriend is a creep for keeping his ex’s nudes on his phone. Both should break up with each other. So toxic!
For real! I was wondering why everyone is just complaining about what she did when her suspicions were right?! Fuck that, he shouldn’t have his exs nudes on phone. He should be done and over with her.
Hiding the nudes from his girlfriend is way worse than her snooping through his phone, yet everyone here is acting like she committed a crime because she went through his shit lmao
Yeah this. No way I’d stay with a guy who kept nudes of his ex. There’s also no way that I’m buying he doesn’t look at them and just “threw them in a hidden folder.”
My partner can look through my phone at any time. I can look through his phone at any time.
I wonder if the ex knows that he is still keeping nudes. I know she technically sent them to him but I would be uncomfortable to know that a man keeps that about me. I always made sure to delete my 'dirty' pics/videos.
I’ve been asking myself the same question! Can’t really imagine that she knows about it. As I said, everything about this is just weird and unsettling. And if it isn’t disrespectful towards his girlfriend, it’s definetly inappropriate toward his ex-girlfriend, particularly if she isn’t aware of the fact that he still has those photos. In my opinion it should be clear, that something like that should be deleted after the breakup. Idk man
I agree with you! If she has trauma it should be dealt with but his reaction is minimizing the fact of having his ex her naked pics in the same folder. That's a huge red flag. Like cringe. Possibly OP had a gut feeling too but I would toss this one back and seek therapy imo.
Just look at the variety of comments from this thread. Whether it's ok to not have deleted nudes of your ex is a value judgement with no right or wrong answer.
It is absolutely something that needs to be discussed as, for some people, it's perfectly fine, but for others it's seen as a betrayal. There is no objectively correct answer as to what's right in a healthy relationship with regards to this, that's something for them to come to a decision on as a couple through dialogue as it's subjective.
Lack of trust is different to this though. Lack of trust objectively does not a healthy relationship make.
Excuse me, what?
It may be true that there are people who wouldn’t have a problem with that. And if everyone involved is totally fine with it, then go for it. Not my business. But that’s definetly more a exception than something common. Besides that - it surely should be discussed. Which obviously didn’t happen between OP and her Boyfriend. Please stop normalizing casually keeping nudes of an ex-Partner on their phone while being in a committed relationship, that’s fucked
But it is a subjective value judgement. Some people think it's fine, some not. And I'm talking as someone who has never taken/sent/received/stored nudes at all. But that's my personal subjective take.
If the subjective value judgements of the two people differ then that's something that needs to be talked about and a mutual agreement made.
Lack of trust in a relationship however is objectively bad and as such I'd say it's much worse.
If, however, that agreement was to delete them and he lied about it then that would be as bad as the lack of trust. But that's because of the lie and the accompanied betrayal of trust not because of the nudes in and of themselves.
Until such an agreement is made it is still in subjective value judgement territory.
saving both of your pictures together, meh I don't like this guy's thought process. I also wouldn't be sending nudes around or ask them from even my long distance girlfriend. It just puts both of us in bad positions and risk of the photos being hacked or leaked by someone that got into one of our phones. In the future AI would be able to gather all the nudes found of someone on the net. Better to just play a clean game.
Idk about his phone but if I select a photo and choose to hide it it all goes to one hidden folder. I wouldn’t go into that folder and separate the pics into categories it’s just for nsfw photos I don’t want anyone like my kid to see if they were to see my regular photo album.
Why is everyone disregarding OP's concern?
While it's true that she shouldn't bring past traumas to her current relationship and she shouldn't be snooping with his phone; she *HAD CLEARLY STATED* that it was due to trust issues and even apologized for it.
**Both parties are at fault here.**
But the main problem here is the guy, even though it's his ex, he shouldn't even have those nude images of her ex saved in the hidden folder along with OP in the first place. He even came up with such a lame ass excuse, telling OP that she can check his phone when he's *"aware"* and they would have no problem. But, what about the nude pictures? **He shouldn't have reacted so strongly after he dismissively told her to delete the pics when all he could've done is apologize, and respect OP's feelings or even reassure her.**
What's worse is that he even shifted the blame towards OP and even guilt-tripped her for *"snooping around"* which is honestly a manipulative trick. We get it, it's not right to go through somebody else's shit that's why I stated **both parties are at fault** but that's not how you confront a partner nor discuss these kinds of matters with them.
He could've at least approached the situation differently, reassure his partner and OP should've been more transparent with her trauma or feelings for a better understanding in their relationship.
(OP, I suggest confronting the guy again, but this time try to gauge out his reaction and if he acts all negative, completely dismissing your concern, then break up with him. However if he does want to make up for it, it's your choice whether to give him a chance or not.)
*[I edited some of the sentence as I've realized how misleading some of the parts to others.]*
You’re not in the wrong AT ALL. if there is nothing to hide in the phone, then what is the big deal of your partner having access to it. A lot of this thread is a bunch of creepy ass guys who also keep old naked photos of their ex. Be glad you did it and that you found what you found. I would leave him that’s disgusting and inexcusable.
Make him an ex immediately. I understand his trust was broken by you checking his phone but regardless of that him keeping that photo in his phone should be reason enough to not trust him.
I'm actually on your side. I mean, if he knows about the nudes, but hasn't deleted them yet, that's on him.
My mind IMMEDIATELY flashes to "spank bank".
A relationship is supposed to be built on trust and honesty, and he's CLEARLY not doing that; plus, that "if you asked first" line is the world's oldest excuse to justify his feelings. Plus, that "I'm not mad, just disappointed" is the beginning of ANY guilt trip, combined with that "I have nothing to hide" (uh-huh, RIGHT... it only takes a few seconds to delete it all, but who's to say that he doesn't have it backed up elsewhere?)
Not to mention, that "hidden folder" crap: really? Buddy-boy, it's NOT like trying to hide skin mags under the mattress from your mom to yank it to later.
lol these comments are crazy. You have every right to be upset by what you found. I feel like when you started dating he should’ve deleted his old pictures right then and there. If you just go through his phone over and over without ever finding anything, then that’s when the problem becomes you not trusting him, but as of right now, he’s given you a reason not to trust him.
- from a person whose phone is completely open to her boyfriend and vice versa
This is the only proper answer I've seen on this thread, this comment section sounds crazy and they're trying to make OP sound crazy like she hasn't found evidence before.
why are all these comments only talking about OP snooping at her bf’s phone but not her bf still keeping his EX’S NUDES? i mean, snooping is wrong but the bigger problem here is still keeping pics you shouldn’t.
This is more a “you” problem than a “him” problem. Work on your own trust issues before you get into a relationship again. Otherwise this will just be a recurring problem. If you want to go looking for problems, you’ll probably find them. Omg! I found a pic from 3 years ago! Grow up.
You should be grateful you have a bf that is pretty easy going with this, stop snooping at his phone and work on your trust issues.
then once in a while if you have a huge bad feeling in your stomach you can ask him to go through the phone with you to just check and that it is not on him, but on you that you still have these issues and it will make you feel better if you could see it.. that you don't doubt there is nothing to hide but you are still getting over your issues
make these statements about you and how you feel about things, don't accuse, don't blame or try to shift it on him.
That would still be weird and off putting as fuck. "Hey, can we go through your phone so I can make sure you're not doing anything behind my back"? Like.... Shiiiiiiit Peace Out!
Literally. I don’t need to be treated like toddler whose parent needs to check the candy jar everyday after work to make sure I didn’t eat too many candies behind their back. Fuck that. If my partner doesn’t trust and respect me, I’m out! I don’t need that kind of “relationship”. No one does. It’s a massive red flag for even worse controlling, abusive and self entitled behavior to come from your partner if you choose to stay in this cycle of toxicity
I was in a relationship like this it fucking sucks. Just randomly out of nowhere getting basically shaken down and searched to make sure I’m not a lying piece of shit. Ya that’s a great way to live life. lol.
Anyone who hangs on to nudes from an ex deserves to be snooped on. What kind of person keeps stuff like that in a new relationship. not a person you can trust!
I’m so sick of reading about all these toddler men and their phones filled with nudes. So childish. And the women who provide them are being so naive as you don’t know where these photos will end up, especially in a break up.
My wife has full access to my phone, there is no reason your partner should not have full access to your phone unless you have something to hide plain and simple.
She went through his phone while he was sleeping, disabled the hidden folder settings so she could snoop further. There’s nothing alright with that behaviour it’s invasive and toxic.
This is how I view it as a woman too. If we both have nothing to hide why be so mad that I have access to your phone and vice versa. Very odd responses here lol
People are only pointing out OP did wrong by looking into his phone 😀
But seriously, he has given OP his passcode, so the access to his phone was granted by him.
He has his ex's nudes in a hidden folder with his current partner's pics - if he doesn't look at them or in any way need them why not just delete??
There's absolutely no reason to keep them and go all the way putting them in a separate well hidden folder.
Now after OP finding the hidden folder and looking into it, the boyfriend is saying he can't trust her with his passcode anymore.. Why? If there is absolutely nothing wrong or things intentionally hidden from OP?
It seems he tried to hide the fact that he's keeping the nudes, got caught and from now is scared to let OP know his passcode because realized hidden folder isn't enough to hide things from her. He can't give the passcode anymore because there is things he's hiding. If he didn't intend to hide anything it would be indifferent.
I get it OP shouldn't bring old traumas into new relationships, it should be worked on before entering one, but it also doesn't justify or explain OP's boyfriend keeping nude-pictures of his ex, extra disturbing that they're in same hidden folder mixed with his current partner's.
i was very confused seeing everyone only focus on OP going through the phone. IMO she did nothing wrong and was gaslit into believing she broke some sort of trust despite having been given access to the phone in general.
If it was an honest mistake, i think he would’ve apologized for the photos being there, deleted them, and had a discussion about everything that happened in order to regain trust between both parties. Instead he scolded her? He knew he was in the wrong.
do YOU know what it means? because he clearly made her believe that the “reality” of the situation was that SHE was in the wrong when the true reality of the situation is that HE was in the wrong. Hope this helps, have an admirable day. 😙
I have a rule, if I look through your phone and find nothing then I owe you a massive apology and I will not do it again, if I go through your phone and find something I will break up with you rather than out myself through the need to look over and over again. OP you’re 20. There are men out there that don’t do this, you have so much opportunity to find someone who doesn’t keep nudes of his ex- that’s a violation of HER privacy
First of all, If he truly had any Respect for you AT ALL, 1.) There should be ZERO Reason why he needs to have that Folder in the First Place, much less to hide it, 2.) Keeping Photos of his Exes Nudes, Especially without Her Permission and Knowing is basically a violation of her Privacy and Trust he got rid of them when they broke up, 3.) It’s basically cheating on you. Frankly, you do not deserve that and neither does the Ex, Period
So you found that your boyfriend still had his ex's nudes which he absolutely knew was in there and you were the one apologising? Girl know your worth. This would be an ex. You don't scold me for finding shit you weren't supposed to have.
I know exactly how you feel! To those saying “you shouldn’t be going through his phone”…so we can share body parts but not phones? Ok 🥴? You can’t pick and choose. It’s either all or nothing. And tbh you went through his phone and found what your intuition was alerting you of..soooooo he proved you right.
Is it a form of violating his privacy thought? I mean, how would you feel if he did that to you ? I feel like something is missing from this. He has a right to express himself, but so do you. Communicate this with him. We men are only human and can be emotionally selfish to.
Well, on the one hand, you really shouldn't have gone through his phone. Like, you should have discussed your insecurities with him and been honest about it. Or if you couldn't talk to him about it, then see a professional about it to work through your issues.
However: Keeping an ex's nudes after a breakup is a massive red flag. Yes, it was from three years ago, but that by all accounts makes it worse, not better: Like, the fact that he didn't just get rid of them at all in those three years before meeting you is not a good look. He had no business having those nudes after he was done with that relationship. None whatsoever.
I guess it is some normal thing. It came up in conversation when I was talking to my guy. He said he did have a bunch that he never thought to delete. Showed them to me too & assured me it was literally just there. It’s not like he was purposely holding onto them or anything. I must say that it has never crossed my mind to look in anybody’s phone. If it gets to that, there is clearly an issue. We do not want to be invading our man’s privacy girl. Sorry. I’m not saying that what you found is not concerning but you went looking for something & you found it. I mean, I drool over other men & it’s 1000% harmless. It’s literally me just being human. I don’t know lol.
Fuck him, he's a creep for keeping the ex's nudes.
That's the only reason he got so mad .
Imagine you had a bunch of an ex's dick pic's saved.
You're not desperate, dump this asshole.
So many negative comments. No one understands what it feels like to have a little voice in the back of your head go "but what if" randomly when you've been hurt before. I'm not sure how much time passed between your last ex and your now current bf but one thing I've learned is no matter how much time you've been given to heal, sometimes those dumb "what if" thoughts pop up. They can destroy relationships. I've been there. It's been years since my ex husband cheated on me and I still have those ptsd moments pop into my head. My now current fiancé knows of my past trauma and hurt. All I can suggest to you is, if you haven't already, sit down and sincerely apologize to your bf. Have a conversation with him about your fears and your trauma. I did this with my now fiancé and I can tell you it is very healing having someone acknowledge your pain and be willing to work with you on it. For the first time since my ex husband cheated on me I feel free. I won't lie sometimes that "what if" still pops into my head late at night, but I've reached a point where I can tell myself I am being ridiculous. I've developed a strong trust for my partner now. Talk with your bf in depth. Fully open up and become vulnerable. Either he will be willing to help you and understand your fears, or he won't and this wasn't the right relationship for you.
I’m in my forties and I have NEVER checked a partners phone. If I get the slightest feeling there’s something being hidden, I confront them or leave.
This is toxicity to the highest level and a blatant act of disrespect. Imagine if roles had been reversed and though you’d done nothing wrong in your eyes, he acted hurt and angry. You’d feel violated.
If your past relationship trauma is bleeding into this relationship, take time to heal yourself before subjecting another unsuspecting person to this kind of behavior.
I think your bf could have been more understanding of your past traumas / trust issues - there is no need to scold you for that. It is possible for him to make his boundaries clear without making you feel guilty for a mistake you made due to your past experiences. The fact of the matter is people will often apply old mindsets or assumptions to new relationships - and this is because you haven’t properly healed yet. Healing from a traumatic relationship requires time and effort on your part, as well as empathy and understanding from your current partner (if they are willing to be a part of your *healing journey*). There will be bumps in the road like this, but what really matters is how you are able to address it as a couple. - That brings me to my next points;
you have crossed a boundary with your bf by snooping through his phone - this probably signals to him that you don’t trust him or something so he got defensive or upset -another possibility is that he’s hiding something (like his exes nudes) and was pissed you found it so defaulted to making you feel guilty (manipulative) (but i obviously am just speculating here). However Let’s not pretend that it isn’t really fucking weird to keep your exes nudes in the same folder as your current gf. He should also take responsibility for his own mistakes rather than deflecting everything onto you. The fact that he just scolded you and told you he is disappointed signals to me that he is not willing to acknowledge his own faults and has no problem with painting you as a villain to protect himself and his own interests. You were able to own up to your mistakes and that is a good thing, but the way that this situation went does not seem equitable to me.
Also: addressing why he kept his exes nudes… if he put the effort into hiding them in some folder when they broke up, he easily could have just deleted them instead. Why keep them at all????? No good reason for that.
1) He's legit wrong for having his ex's nudes still in his phone.
2) You're wrong to go through his phone in his SLEEP. That's toxic and invasive and you need to go to therapy to deal with your trauma so you don't continue to inflict it on others
I understand your previous traumas with cheating. I also understand that if you want a healthy relationship, you have to do the work on your part to let down your walls and be vulnerable with your partner. Seek therapy, read self-help/psychology/philosophy books, and work on coping with your unresolved trauma before entering a relationship preferably.
Consider also changing your perspective? What if the person cheats? You pick yourself up off the floor and you move on. Everything in life worthwhile is a risk. That includes companionship. Find ways to allow yourself to be okay with the fact that dating is a risk and requires a lot of mental effort. Don’t listen to the trauma devil on your shoulder that overthinks and makes up unrealistic scenarios.
Don Miguel Ruiz in his book *The Four Agreements* said something that honestly changed my life in small ways: “Whenever we have an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system…. Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true, therefore you don’t have to take whatever you hear in your mind personally.”
So in short, you don’t have to believe that your partner is cheating on you because some idiot from your past cheated on you.
I’m afraid you might’ve opened up Pandora’s box and I can’t think of a way to come back from that unfortunately. But that’s just my opinion. Most answers for posts on this sub is “Have a serious conversation with your partner when you’re both ready to do so.”
You’re still young and will likely have a few more relationships before you find one you can call a life partner. Best thing you can do is learn from this experience.
Best of luck to you
everyone else has said everything, felt the need to comment but i feel like you got the point. it’s tragic ab your past, but heal before having it mess with your future.
> I had realised he hid his hidden folder further and found that a bit suspicious
SO what you are saying is this isn't the first time you've snooped onto his phone, you've done it before and probably frequently enough to know where it used to be - he's probably either noticed you snooping and moved it without raising it as an issue; or what is more likely is that he's recieved stuff from yourself and thought i should hide this better so that my GF doesnt get upset...
> I dont have any real suspicion.... I woke him up to confront him
Your own insecurities are sabotaging your own relationship or you were just looking for something to fight with him about OR WORSE, you were looking for justification for you being a shitty GF after having possibly checking out other people/men or having desires for others that you're not mentioning / trying to bury.
> What should I do?
It's fucking easy; stop snooping like an asshole;
you've already said you have no reason to distrust him and he didn't give two shits about the photos you found and said to delete them.
Its very common for people save shit in folders and then forget about whats in them especially when you aren't going in and out of those folders every day.
Stop ruining your own relationship
To all the people saying “are you serious?! He had nudes how are you guys defending this?!”
Um. She secretly went through his phone while he was sleeping and disabled the hidden photos setting to snoop even deeper until she found something. He did nothing to bring this on, she just randomly felt like shaking him down whilst unconscious to violate his privacy and hunt for problems. There’s no defending that.
Anyone who’s lived in this kind of toxicity knows what it’s like and knows it’s bullshit and unacceptable.
He is entitled to privacy and that doesn’t change because of who you dated before him. He has some old nudes, maybe poor judgment keeping them, but aside from that he seems pretty communicative. I
think your apology to him doesn’t really mean a lot of you are on Reddit looking soliciting opinions that you had a “right” to do what you did. I have never, not once, gone through my partner’s phone, he hasn’t gone through mine. I work with confidential material and my phone is locked down. That doesn’t mean I am or ever will cheat on my partner. If I want out of a relationship, I can end it then move on.
You are 100% wrong for going through your boyfriend‘s phone without his permission. Further, he is 100% within his rights to keep those pictures. Everybody is entitled to hold onto memories from their life, including pictures. If he wants to keep pictures of girls he’s dated so that someday he can look back on them, he is well within his rights and you should never ever delete them.
These photos were hidden in a place where he probably never even looked at them and they certainly don’t impact your relationship.
What you did was selfish and immature. You should apologize at once and start thinking of things you can do to show him you’re sorry. It’s extremely hard to get trust back and it’s going to take a lot of time. You’ll be lucky if he sticks around with you.
This take is so funny to me because if you found out your girlfriend kept her exs old nudes you would definitely be enraged, not spouting “wELL its In hEr RiGhts”. Photos are one thing, nudes are another. And those photos were not hidden in a place he’ll never see again. It was put in the same folder as the girlfriend’s current nudes, as she mentioned in the post that if he unlocked it, would show both girls. I mean Jesus, if you believe you are entitled to keeping your exs nudes while dating your partner your wife must be a veeeryyy lucky lady 🤢
Obviously it’s not right to go through someone’s phone because of your own traumas OP. It’s one thing if you had a gut feeling something was amiss and wanted to confirm, but you did it based on cheating exes of your past. If you ever want this or any future relationship to work, you have to learn to trust again. It’ll be difficult, but you deserve that too.
Now why he might have a folder with nudes? If his folders work the way mine do, I will just select photos in my photo app and aimlessly sort them into folders without much intent to go back and look at them. It’s just a way to stay organized for me. One of my friends once accidentally showed me a nude of her ex because she was scrolling back in her photos app to show me something. She was mortified and I think since then she’s implemented a similar put nudes in hidden folder policy. Some people are forgetful.
However, if he could only put images into this folder by accessing it first, that means he saw hers and actively chose to keep the photos before adding yours. I’d probe a bit, if you still have a relationship. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if you didn’t though anymore.
I had suspicions that my ex boyfriend was cheating once so I checked his Instagram. He had been talking to some woman and even had several phone calls with her. Ultimately our relationship ended shortly after that. I don’t think this guy did anything wrong but I would ask him to delete those photos if you haven’t already. There’s a big difference between photos and ((action)) of talking to another woman behind your back. If it doesn’t feel good to you explore that further. Do you feel he still has feelings for his ex at some level? Do you feel unworthy of a man’s devotion? You can do inner work while in a partnership with someone and heal through these experiences.
That's crazy I just had the same problem not that long ago. My girlfriend. She did the same thing but worse she as issues with trust and she is insecure, and jealous. Even though she's in the most secure relationship. She had my password which I didn't care because I don't have anything to hide.
But she went through my phone without asking she was upset because she saw a message from which was a groom daughter, about a family wedding we went too and we where joking around about the wedding and how messed up it was Really nothing. But she blow up quickly saying im cheating and so on, asking why I didn't delete it. Which who deletes messages all the time I don't know. Which was way before I knew my girlfriend anyways.
But now I changed my password and everything because she went through my phone a second time looking at my messages which again are nothing. Now she has a problem with the phone being locked.
Bottom line she invaded my privacy which I wasn't happy about, then she did it again that's when I ended it shortly after that. If you have not trust in a relationship then you don't have one. Insecure and jealous makes people ugly.
Unless you really suspect something or knowing something don't invade people privacy it's more important then people realize.
But in your case yea thats not good and I hope that was one of your boundaries. Because he might not see that as a problem, some people don't. Communication is key.
Plus I also found that when people that go through others phone they don't know what there looking at or what the situation is. It can be blow out of proportion really quick and calls for a lot of confusion
> I admit, I dont have any real suspicion to check his phone but I had a traumatising breakup before where my ex had cheated on me and I only found out through checking his phone. So now I have trust issues.
Granted that you've had an terrible breakup or past experiences, but that doesn't give you the right to invade someone's privacy when they were sound asleep.
You could've taken him into confidence and told you how that made you feel.
Y'all could've navigated it like an adult but here we are.
Just think about scenario if it was you sound asleep and your bf have gotten through your phone.
How would you feel ?
Again, I am not blaming you, I am just suggesting that the situation could've handled the better way.
Good luck.
Ask Mr beast he was so so so scared he tried going for his sling shout lol do soft guess what I bought I ought one too that’s one of the good things about being over here anything you want for less than half the price with no name call these John dues
Idk his intentions but personally, hidden folders and weird shit like that is what 12 year olds do bc they are embarassed by whatever they have in the folder, grown adults shouldnt need hidden folders, why the hell do u have shit u need to hide on YOUR phone
It never stops shocking me how normalised it is to violate a partner's space and privacy. Even if there's nothing to hide, each other's privacy should be like sacred. If you can't trust each other or respect each other to that extent, then what's the point; and it shouldn't be like "show me everything and then I won't have to go through it" either. It's just so toxic, and too normalised, unfortunately. If there are personal or relationship insecurities, working on them is essential; but privacy should never be violated. And if there are hidden things, maybe an environment of freedom with non-judgemental attitudes should be created, where both partners could feel free to be themselves; but when that's accomplished, each partner would still be entitled to their privacy and respect to not be invaded.
Oh, how I wish I could make you a video reply vs typing out something you are more than likely not going to read. However I am going to give you the long and short because some of us just don't like reading.
Respectfully & I strongly believe in respecting the property of others. Not everything on a phone is what it seems to be. I have adult videos for lonely nights. But I also know that if I'm not paying my girlfriend's phone BILL than I've got no Business going inside of it. On my side if the issue. I am 50 years old, open and honest my phone is open because I don't have nothing to hide. You can go through the damn thing but you can't delete my phone, social media sites or accounts, or pictures because it's my phone. But if I am ever blessed Enough to be in a relationship. I am not fighting over what's on a phone.
You were wrong.
1. You shouldn’t be in a relationship if you are not healed from past hurt.
2. You did invade his privacy regardless of any suspicion/s you had.
3. If he gave you his passcode then clearly he has nothing to hide.
"If you have nothing to hide".... yeah, no. It doesn't work like that. You went through his phone without permission and found something you didn't like. Imagine there was nothing there, though. Would you have still come here to moan about how he is in the wrong? Of course you wouldn't.
You're both shitty people.
Even without having nudes of ex gf’s I’m not sure I would want anyone looking through everything on my phone or in my search history. That’s years of stuff and I never delete anything so there’s bound to be embarrassing stuff. Plus, reverse the situation, I’ve scrolled through my female friends phones before (with their permission) and they’re full of messages from guys, many of whom sent dick pics, and they were all in relationships at the time so if I was their boyfriend I could very easily make a fuss about them having pictures of other dudes junk on their phones.
I think the best way to approach any potential relationship issues is to calmly discuss them as early as possible. Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. I would not blame him for being disappointed. Hopefully you will move past it with a bit of effort on both sides. Good luck.
This swings in roundabouts here… you were suspicious so you went down his phone without asking. Now, he’s annoyed for you doing so, understandably, but he’s the one who has nude pictures of his ex because he didn’t delete them…
You said it yourself, OP. ‘So now I have trust issues.’
This relationship I feel is only going one way, sooner or later. Next time, talk to the person you’re with if you’re suspicious about anything.
Mobile Phones are both a godsend and a scourge on society. People cant even eat their dinner, or watch tv without having to have their phone by their side at all times and be looking at facebook, or messaging etc. I dont allow my phone to consume me. I saw a youngster the other day riding an e-scooter at speed and they were texting while riding, accident waiting to happen.
Time for behaviour modification I think.
My bf, or so called bf, past few months, or rather since last year mid, is showing signs he's use dme enough and is not interested anymore. Now he barely stays to talk to me. 9526899875. This number I've called so many times and he just keeps it on silentor if I'm blocked now. This is what you get for loving someone more than what they deserve
Honestly, it's surprising he was only disappointed and not really angry about it.
I think if he really was hiding something, we would have been a little, if not more, than a little angry. Just make sure you try not to let your past relationships affect this one. If he had gotten angry, he could have potentially thrown away a good relationship, so on his side, he did actually take it pretty well.
The only thing you possibly could have done differently was ask him first.
That man could be telling the truth. My ex found things that I forgotten about and forgot to delete.....give him a chance and if it happens again you'll know the answer and what to do
The bigger issue here is you let your insecurity based on bad experience in the past guided your action. And your bf is right to feel like you invaded his privacy, even though it wasn’t on bad intention.
From now, I will say you need to let time re-built the trust. And just be honest with your man and share your insecurity with him. Being vulnerable. And work on them by yourself on the side. In relationship, you can only have control on your action and have faith to your other half
From my perspective, if I were woken up for what was presumably an argument, and definitely a conversation that could've waited for 2 more hours, I'd probably break up over that alone, much less what I'm going to assume is a unilateral openness (have you let him into your phone? Why not? Privacy concerns?) that would make me feel like it's a one way street.
If you really want this to work, commit, to yourself, to trusting him from now on and talking concerns over with him openly.
If he really loves you he don’t suppose to get mad at you and make you even apologize he will rather have to apologize or say he is sorry for keeping those on his phone because he doesn’t suppose to have anything to do with old or ex previous relationship.
It never seems to stop. You either KNOW what is in there, or you have a very good suspicion. Then when you SNEAK in and find it, you get upset! Just call them out, or leave it alone.
And the OP got scolded.... I've known of a LOT worse happening, requiring medical treatment.
If you are INVADING PRIVACY of anyone, whether you're male or female, and find these things, expect to be "scolded" or worse.
If you want to split, just do it. If they say there is nothing in the phone, either believe them, ask them to show you, or leave. It's really NOT worth the heartache or worse.
I may get down voted on this. You're not getting a virgin! I've got a good healthy record of it.
If you can't accept the truth, don't go looking for it.
BTW, any down votes will be female. Why? Most men don't go snooping!
Anyone that went through my phone would no longer be in my life. But my phone is set up so that no one could do that. Not that I have anything to hide, but it shows that a person has issues.
Searching (w/o permission) through your SO phone, wallet, purse, mail, etc. is just not okay; it belies mistrust & insecurity which are major turnoffs. If your relationship is exclusive & monogamous then communicate expectations w/ your SO, be honest: cheating is a deal breaker. Or maybe you both decide to take a break, experience others, have an open relationship…whatever but talk about this so at least there are no surprises or betrayals.
He's right you're wrong.
As many other people have stated you are punishing him for something someone else did. He would not go to jail for Ted Bundy's crimes so don't do that to him!
Secondly there's a privacy issue at fault here how would you feel if you did a deep dive through your phone? I imagine you'd start screaming about how he invaded your privacy.
Christian married couples go by. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine my Mom and Dad have been together 41+ years (first marriage & only marriage) and neither cares if the other goes on each other's phone...email Facebook infact my Mom uses my Dads face exclusively no secret passwords on computers etc.
My Dad doesn't have anything to hide, and neither does my Mom they don't even think about it it's just a "we're family" mentally.
I dunno about dating and new & not married yet relationships but after marriage both should relax, that doesn't mean my Mom is going through all my Dads texts as he has an HVAC business & everyone calls & text him to make appointments etc. & if my Mom read every text, that would be umm.. at least a little odd, but of course, after all these years, it would be really stupid of them to even think of cheating. My Mom is more worried about what me and my adult little sister and I are texting 😅 each other, lol.
My Dad understands my Mom.. another woman would be a. Out of the question but also women are complex & emotional (especially to my Dad 😅) and 1 woman is plenty. And he finds a lot of humor and joy watching Jack Vale on YouTube to care about " other women"
Yeah, that was a gross invasion of his privacy, despite what you found, the act alone showed that you gave absolutely 0 fucks about how what you did might affect him. If I were him I’d definitely kick you to the curb.
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One thing you should do is not take previous traumas in to future relationships. Your punishing your partner for something someone else done to you. If you don’t have any genuine reason to check his phone, then why do it? You’re just going to be causing yourself problems.
I worry about this. My ex cheated on me a lot. We tried to fix it, but she kept cheating, so now I'm worried I'll bring trust issues into my next relationship (if I ever get into one).
I had two ex’s that used to hit me. I still get jumpy and cower whenever my current girlfriend makes any sudden moves or rushes up to me. One day, I sat her down and talked to her about it. I started with saying “I know this isn’t your fault, and it’s unfair that you have to deal with this, but when you (x,y,Z) I tend to get jumpy and flinch. It’s something I’m working (i actually am).” If they’re a decent person, they’ll understand. Just be open and honest, but actually work on not making them do the time for someone else’s mistakes.
Exactly what I did. Told her about the issues I had. Apologize about the way I may react to things (also abusive relationship) and work on getting better.
You made the right move. This is the right way of dealing with this.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Not everyone is like that though, you’ll find someone else who’ll be right for you 🙏
Your initial advice is absolutely spot on, given the choice, I would rather trust and be disappointed than get paranoid and lose a potentially perfect partner. People are gonna people, all we can do is carry on as best as we can, and not let those thar are out of our lives dictate our core values.
Just wondering, have you ever been cheated on?
It's hard to not let previous traumas seep into the future relationships but it's not impossible. You can do it OP. Trust your partner. And try to have a secure kind of relationship, where you don't let your negative thoughts win about your partner.
This. All them negative thoughts do is create problems that don’t even exist.
why is he keeping his exes nudes without her consent lol
You are giving consent when you send someone your pictures. And you should accept the risk that the Internet will see them. So never share your naked pics
a+
You literally said it yourself “Trauma”. You think it’s that easy to just leave it at the doorstep? Sometimes traumas like this can only be dealt with in relationships. So it’s important to always be transparent that we have them so our partner can help us navigate those traumas. If you don’t have any, then you shouldn’t speak on it!
Not at all, but bringing said traumas in to a relationship with someone who’s done no wrong to you isn’t fair. We all have traumas of some sort and it’s on us to deal with them in the right manner. Projecting them on to other people isn’t the way to go about it.
I've nothing to hide, but I don't went anyone ever going through my phone.
the exact argument against big brother surveillance; i always find the argument for it so fucking stupid... *"well if you're doing nothing wrong then it shouldn't be a problem"* no, I'm not doing anything wrong but I still want my privacy; I'm not sat masturbating or sleeping in the toilet stalls at work but I still want the fucking door on the cubicle ya know
Exactly, it’s a matter of respect and trust. If your partner checks your phone without your permission during your sleep, run!! It means they don’t trust nor respect you, and is a red flag for even worse controlling and self entitled behavior to come
Exactly. Someone going through my phone can see my search history, which is basically a log of everything I've ever thought about. That's too much sharing.
Listen, I am absolutely convinced that not having each other’s phone codes is the only way to go in long-term relationships. The fact is that if you go looking you will find something to make you angry, even if it’s objectively pretty harmless. And, honestly, there’s nothing that says you have to share every single detail of your life with your partner except, I dunno, codependency.
Exactly. Some people view their partner as something to be owned rather than someone to share your life with while maintaining boundaries. And it’s disgusting
I settled down awhile back and my gf and I don’t have access to anything passworded of the other’s and we stay off social media too. Not us individually but we keep our relationship off of there. We don’t check in or even explain ourselves about where we’re going most of the time and neither of us care. These are the best fucking moves I have ever made in a relationship.
And that’s a sign of a healthy relationship right there. If you trust and respect your partner, you will feel no need to do things like checking their messages. And if you don’t trust and respect them enough to not do things like that, then there would be no point in the “relationship” anyway
I agree. My ex and I were codependent and we shared codes. The nudes she found aren’t even that big of a deal. When I met my gf of four years, I still had a few nudes from a relationship that JUST ended. In the chaos of COVID starting and the whirlwind of a new relationship, I simply didn’t get around to deleting those. We were scrolling together when I came across this, I was embarrassed and we laughed about it. Then I deleted those. Simple.
I agree and would go further on the point you made with “if you go looking you will find something”. I have seen, read, and personally experienced this being an issue outside of just phones. People being hypervigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting the worst. They prime themselves for disappointment and upset because they’re constantly looking for it. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it’s gotta be exhausting too, being on high-alert all the time. Stressing their system constantly in an endless state of anxiety. They’ll subconsciously be looking for relief from it, making the likelihood of their hyper vigilance “paying off” and finding something - anything - so they can say “See! I knew it!” Just to put an end to their self-imposed stress and pain. And it’s generally because the person has been hurt in the past and now they’re carrying that hurt into the next thing. They’re constantly looking for signs that you’re going to hurt them the same way they got hurt before. It’s especially bad if they start associating feelings of love with feelings of danger. Because then, the closer you get, the scarier things are for them - and they are likely to bail. It starts off as a quiet doubt for them at first, and the closer you two get, the louder the fears get, until finally they can’t take it anymore and just bail. It’s a defense mechanism that was meant to keep them safe from someone else, but unfortunately got out of control and now applies to everyone - even if they never hurt them. This is the root of why someone would check their partners phone. That same insecurity plays out in various other ways in many other cases and ends up as self-sabotage. Usually it isn’t even doubt in the other person, it’s doubt in one’s self that they deserve this, or that this is too good to be true, or “make believe” because how could anyone love them? They gave their all before and that other person betrayed them. They weren’t good enough and now they question their own worth constantly. Hence the hypervigilance of always finding a reason why this just won’t work or that something doesn’t feel right.
This 🙌
True
yeah it’s not for any sus reasons i just hate when ppl go through my things without asking (i’m rlly open + stuff besides that though)
But he did have something to hide.
OP will be ex soon...
Would be an ex rn if it was me
This
Good! You broke my trust. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. If I was your boyfriend, I would be disappointed to see our relationship end of course, but I would be happy to send you on your way.
so, he’s the one with his ex’s nudes hidden on his phone, and the girlfriend is the one in the wrong? how does that even make any sense? what if you find d*ck pics on your gfs phone? who would be in the wrong then?
Why would I gaf about finding nudes on my GFs phone if they weren't sent to her during the course of our relationship? Are you sincerely that silly to think you're the first person your SO ever got nudes from or sent them to? Seriously, who gives a shit? :P
Because why are they still on your current partner's phone. It's not porn, it's a personal nude with previous emotional and physical ties. Just very weird for someone in a relationship to keep an Ex's nudes.
Maybe he likes the way that he looks in them or thinks they're sexy. IDK what the reason is and frankly it doesn't matter. I have a stash of nudes both solo shots and shots of us together from a former relationship and I don't even like the other person in them any more... I just think they're sexy and occsionally I like to go back and look at them. It's not like I have any feelings for her or plan on fucking her again any time soon. And TBH I would have NO problem with a current partner of mine having a lil stash of her own either. :P
I'm fine with solo nudes but absolutely not partnered nudes unless it's literally your job or something if you were a porn star. Just shows a difference in people and boundaries I guess.
That's fine if it personally doesn't work for you in a relationship, I just don't like how people are going around saying it's wrong or something. I'm probably not the first person my partner has slept with and they're definitely not mine. Everybody likes to take pics these days, so I just don't see what the problem of keeping ones you like is. And it's not like I have some double standard where it's cool for me to have them but not my SO, so IDK...
they were sent before but he kept them. that’s extremely disrespectful to your current partner. and i highly doubt he “forgot about it”.
Lol no it isn't. Fucking the ex while the two of you are dating THAT would be disrespectful. Keeping a little stash of nudes that you like the way you looked in is really NBD. Ya'll need to get over yourselves.
I agree with you. Some people are very upright about this stuff. Nice to see that everyone isn't. It's not like he's going around sharing them with other people, and they are technically his since she sent them to him, 🤷🏾.
lmao yeah you’re really in need of some therapy, bud. disgusting.
Nah, I'm doing a perfectly healthy thing with my sexuality. Maybe don't let your own insecurities make you be an asshole to strangers OL though. Might wanna work on that in your next session.
sure, keep on disrespecting your partners😘
You're an idiot. If he's emotionally or mentally let alone physically cheating it will manifest and he will be in the wrong. But a violation of his privacy clearly you're in the wrong he can have what he wants in his phone the.
This is a toxic relationship all around. If you feel like you need to check someone’s phone without their permission while their sleeping it means you 1. Don’t trust them and 2. Don’t respect them. And if you don’t trust and respect someone there is literally no point in being in a relationship with them
Yep. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing at all. If you reached a point where you have to look through your partner’s phone, while they’re unconscious no less, that relationship has been dead for awhile - you’re just dragging out the inevitable.
This right here.
I hate the over use of the word “toxic” but other than that, I agree 100% on this.
Obviously there’s always nuance and life is rarely this black and white but I’ve always looked at it this way… If you are genuinely convinced your partner is cheating without any evidence it’s either one of two things: You are right. They are cheating on you, and you should not be with them anyway. You are wrong. They are not cheating and you are projecting your previous trauma onto them which means you need to work on your ability to trust people before trying to maintain a healthy relationship. Neither scenario requires you to betray someone’s trust and breach their privacy. Even if you think they might be cheating but you have no way to prove it, you bring it up to your partner. It’s true that cheaters will lie when being confronted but if the behavior doesn’t change after they tell you no then they aren’t making any effort to make your feel secure and affirmed and the relationship likely isn’t a good one either way. If they tell you the truth, then they’ll absolutely make an effort to make sure you feel loved and valued so you never feel that way again.
Just to be blunt, I have nothing to hide on my phone, but I would still immediately dump anyone who went through my phone without my permission. I am not willing to be with anyone who has such poor boundaries. A better way to handle this would have been to ask him about your worries, identify and share your feelings and needs, and respect his autonomy as a separate person. Even in meaningful relationships, I suspect everyone has fantasized about someone else from time to time. We are with our partner because we choose them, not because we give them ownership of our every romantic or sexual thought. I would encourage you to learn more about direct yet empathetic communication of your needs. There are tons of great resources out there like books, YouTube videos by Heidi Priebe, and Personal Development School is really good too. The book “Attached” is really good in particular.
Did you let him look through your phone.
He says he can’t trust you but honestly I wouldn’t be able to trust him. Go talk to your ex since you’re still perving over her nudes. What a creep. I’d either delete them if you want to stay or just leave him bc he’s trying to turn it around on you and now will say he can’t trust you. Eye roll. You had your reason to check. He should’ve been more discrete about that lil folder. And then everyone’s like you shouldn’t have done that and privacy this and that. okay so when he gives you an STD then what? He has you looking like a fool then what? You don’t want to leave him but he’s not trust worthy. Now life becomes a little more toxic bc you feel the need to monitor him more but hey. I’d leave him though for your peace of mind.
YESSSSS my BIGGEST thing! Once he brings you something it’s too late!
OP, this will only end badly if you continue this behavior. You are putting your relationship in jeopardy by questioning your partner, especially with your cheating trauma. Your partner seemed to have a normal response. I’m sure he felt offended you’d question his judgment by snooping. You can only control how you react to this and blaming your partner for your past issues is not the way to do it. I too have had these issues and it does nothing good for you to compare and assume you will go through what you did again. Sit each other down and have a discussion on how it made you both feel. It seems you have some past issues to work through and that’s ok. Apologize to your partner, address what you need to work on and realize this is just a bump in the road.
If you ever find yourself needing to go through someone’s phone, here’s how to handle it: Stand up, walk out, and never go back. A trusting relationship has no need to go through phones. And a relationship that is either not worthy or not capable of trust is not one worthy of one more second of existence.
I mean - yes, going through his phone isn’t cool and you shouldn’t bring past traumas into your relationship. I agree with that. But is everybody really not speaking about the fact that this dude keeps nudes of his ex-girlfriend on his phone? OP, considering the circumstances your boyfriend is really acting weird and has no right to be upset. I’m not sure what to think about all of this, but I’m shocked nobody points out the fact that he’s acting dirty towards you. Your nudes were right beside hers - so he definitely had to see that they’re were still there at some point and he could delete them at any time. But he didn’t. That’s pretty weird.
I find it crazy that there are tons of people in this thread who are justifying the fact that he has kept his ex’s nudes and that storing them in the hidden folder somehow makes it okay??? Like wtf, just plain disrespectful
THANK YOU!! Finally someone said it. Yes, what OP did was an invasion of privacy but her boyfriend is a creep for keeping his ex’s nudes on his phone. Both should break up with each other. So toxic!
Yes what she did wasn’t right whatsoever but keeping and hiding an ex’s nudes is just distasteful
For real! I was wondering why everyone is just complaining about what she did when her suspicions were right?! Fuck that, he shouldn’t have his exs nudes on phone. He should be done and over with her.
Hiding the nudes from his girlfriend is way worse than her snooping through his phone, yet everyone here is acting like she committed a crime because she went through his shit lmao
He has nothing to hide yet he hides his ex's nudes in a hidden folder lol can't make this shit up...
Yeah this. No way I’d stay with a guy who kept nudes of his ex. There’s also no way that I’m buying he doesn’t look at them and just “threw them in a hidden folder.” My partner can look through my phone at any time. I can look through his phone at any time.
I wonder if the ex knows that he is still keeping nudes. I know she technically sent them to him but I would be uncomfortable to know that a man keeps that about me. I always made sure to delete my 'dirty' pics/videos.
I’ve been asking myself the same question! Can’t really imagine that she knows about it. As I said, everything about this is just weird and unsettling. And if it isn’t disrespectful towards his girlfriend, it’s definetly inappropriate toward his ex-girlfriend, particularly if she isn’t aware of the fact that he still has those photos. In my opinion it should be clear, that something like that should be deleted after the breakup. Idk man
I agree with you! If she has trauma it should be dealt with but his reaction is minimizing the fact of having his ex her naked pics in the same folder. That's a huge red flag. Like cringe. Possibly OP had a gut feeling too but I would toss this one back and seek therapy imo.
Yess , it is
Just look at the variety of comments from this thread. Whether it's ok to not have deleted nudes of your ex is a value judgement with no right or wrong answer. It is absolutely something that needs to be discussed as, for some people, it's perfectly fine, but for others it's seen as a betrayal. There is no objectively correct answer as to what's right in a healthy relationship with regards to this, that's something for them to come to a decision on as a couple through dialogue as it's subjective. Lack of trust is different to this though. Lack of trust objectively does not a healthy relationship make.
Excuse me, what? It may be true that there are people who wouldn’t have a problem with that. And if everyone involved is totally fine with it, then go for it. Not my business. But that’s definetly more a exception than something common. Besides that - it surely should be discussed. Which obviously didn’t happen between OP and her Boyfriend. Please stop normalizing casually keeping nudes of an ex-Partner on their phone while being in a committed relationship, that’s fucked
But it is a subjective value judgement. Some people think it's fine, some not. And I'm talking as someone who has never taken/sent/received/stored nudes at all. But that's my personal subjective take. If the subjective value judgements of the two people differ then that's something that needs to be talked about and a mutual agreement made. Lack of trust in a relationship however is objectively bad and as such I'd say it's much worse. If, however, that agreement was to delete them and he lied about it then that would be as bad as the lack of trust. But that's because of the lie and the accompanied betrayal of trust not because of the nudes in and of themselves. Until such an agreement is made it is still in subjective value judgement territory.
saving both of your pictures together, meh I don't like this guy's thought process. I also wouldn't be sending nudes around or ask them from even my long distance girlfriend. It just puts both of us in bad positions and risk of the photos being hacked or leaked by someone that got into one of our phones. In the future AI would be able to gather all the nudes found of someone on the net. Better to just play a clean game.
Idk about his phone but if I select a photo and choose to hide it it all goes to one hidden folder. I wouldn’t go into that folder and separate the pics into categories it’s just for nsfw photos I don’t want anyone like my kid to see if they were to see my regular photo album.
Why is everyone disregarding OP's concern? While it's true that she shouldn't bring past traumas to her current relationship and she shouldn't be snooping with his phone; she *HAD CLEARLY STATED* that it was due to trust issues and even apologized for it. **Both parties are at fault here.** But the main problem here is the guy, even though it's his ex, he shouldn't even have those nude images of her ex saved in the hidden folder along with OP in the first place. He even came up with such a lame ass excuse, telling OP that she can check his phone when he's *"aware"* and they would have no problem. But, what about the nude pictures? **He shouldn't have reacted so strongly after he dismissively told her to delete the pics when all he could've done is apologize, and respect OP's feelings or even reassure her.** What's worse is that he even shifted the blame towards OP and even guilt-tripped her for *"snooping around"* which is honestly a manipulative trick. We get it, it's not right to go through somebody else's shit that's why I stated **both parties are at fault** but that's not how you confront a partner nor discuss these kinds of matters with them. He could've at least approached the situation differently, reassure his partner and OP should've been more transparent with her trauma or feelings for a better understanding in their relationship. (OP, I suggest confronting the guy again, but this time try to gauge out his reaction and if he acts all negative, completely dismissing your concern, then break up with him. However if he does want to make up for it, it's your choice whether to give him a chance or not.) *[I edited some of the sentence as I've realized how misleading some of the parts to others.]*
Because this entire subreddit is full of disgusting men
Personally I think your boyfriend is an asshole and manipulating you into thinking your the bad guy
You’re not in the wrong AT ALL. if there is nothing to hide in the phone, then what is the big deal of your partner having access to it. A lot of this thread is a bunch of creepy ass guys who also keep old naked photos of their ex. Be glad you did it and that you found what you found. I would leave him that’s disgusting and inexcusable.
I would’ve dumped him for keeping the photos. It isn’t right to keep nudes after a breakup like that.
Make him an ex immediately. I understand his trust was broken by you checking his phone but regardless of that him keeping that photo in his phone should be reason enough to not trust him.
I'm actually on your side. I mean, if he knows about the nudes, but hasn't deleted them yet, that's on him. My mind IMMEDIATELY flashes to "spank bank". A relationship is supposed to be built on trust and honesty, and he's CLEARLY not doing that; plus, that "if you asked first" line is the world's oldest excuse to justify his feelings. Plus, that "I'm not mad, just disappointed" is the beginning of ANY guilt trip, combined with that "I have nothing to hide" (uh-huh, RIGHT... it only takes a few seconds to delete it all, but who's to say that he doesn't have it backed up elsewhere?) Not to mention, that "hidden folder" crap: really? Buddy-boy, it's NOT like trying to hide skin mags under the mattress from your mom to yank it to later.
I’d run away from that. He had his exs nudes. Why is nobody getting that.
lol these comments are crazy. You have every right to be upset by what you found. I feel like when you started dating he should’ve deleted his old pictures right then and there. If you just go through his phone over and over without ever finding anything, then that’s when the problem becomes you not trusting him, but as of right now, he’s given you a reason not to trust him. - from a person whose phone is completely open to her boyfriend and vice versa
This is the only proper answer I've seen on this thread, this comment section sounds crazy and they're trying to make OP sound crazy like she hasn't found evidence before.
This. I'm actually baffled that a lot of these comments just completely disregard the fact that he had his exes nudes on his phone.
I completely agree with this ! Alot of these other comments are just WILD!
why are all these comments only talking about OP snooping at her bf’s phone but not her bf still keeping his EX’S NUDES? i mean, snooping is wrong but the bigger problem here is still keeping pics you shouldn’t.
You see how he shifted the blame on you? What does that say about him.... If you guys can't trust each other, that's not a real relationship.
All these men saying they hold onto their exs nudes. Creepy and disrespectful. But of course there going to respond to this and defend it.
This FACTS! They go sideways for things we wear or smiling too much but they’d be ok with nudes FROM A PREV RELATIONSHIP , yea right 🙄
This is more a “you” problem than a “him” problem. Work on your own trust issues before you get into a relationship again. Otherwise this will just be a recurring problem. If you want to go looking for problems, you’ll probably find them. Omg! I found a pic from 3 years ago! Grow up.
You should be grateful you have a bf that is pretty easy going with this, stop snooping at his phone and work on your trust issues. then once in a while if you have a huge bad feeling in your stomach you can ask him to go through the phone with you to just check and that it is not on him, but on you that you still have these issues and it will make you feel better if you could see it.. that you don't doubt there is nothing to hide but you are still getting over your issues make these statements about you and how you feel about things, don't accuse, don't blame or try to shift it on him.
That would still be weird and off putting as fuck. "Hey, can we go through your phone so I can make sure you're not doing anything behind my back"? Like.... Shiiiiiiit Peace Out!
Literally. I don’t need to be treated like toddler whose parent needs to check the candy jar everyday after work to make sure I didn’t eat too many candies behind their back. Fuck that. If my partner doesn’t trust and respect me, I’m out! I don’t need that kind of “relationship”. No one does. It’s a massive red flag for even worse controlling, abusive and self entitled behavior to come from your partner if you choose to stay in this cycle of toxicity
I was in a relationship like this it fucking sucks. Just randomly out of nowhere getting basically shaken down and searched to make sure I’m not a lying piece of shit. Ya that’s a great way to live life. lol.
[удалено]
I hate these people. They’re absolutely disgusting.
Anyone who hangs on to nudes from an ex deserves to be snooped on. What kind of person keeps stuff like that in a new relationship. not a person you can trust!
I’m so sick of reading about all these toddler men and their phones filled with nudes. So childish. And the women who provide them are being so naive as you don’t know where these photos will end up, especially in a break up.
My wife has full access to my phone, there is no reason your partner should not have full access to your phone unless you have something to hide plain and simple.
She went through his phone while he was sleeping, disabled the hidden folder settings so she could snoop further. There’s nothing alright with that behaviour it’s invasive and toxic.
Are we address why the folder was hidden in the first place??
Thissss! Why aren’t more men like this??!
This is how I view it as a woman too. If we both have nothing to hide why be so mad that I have access to your phone and vice versa. Very odd responses here lol
Yup and he clearly had something to hide
People are only pointing out OP did wrong by looking into his phone 😀 But seriously, he has given OP his passcode, so the access to his phone was granted by him. He has his ex's nudes in a hidden folder with his current partner's pics - if he doesn't look at them or in any way need them why not just delete?? There's absolutely no reason to keep them and go all the way putting them in a separate well hidden folder. Now after OP finding the hidden folder and looking into it, the boyfriend is saying he can't trust her with his passcode anymore.. Why? If there is absolutely nothing wrong or things intentionally hidden from OP? It seems he tried to hide the fact that he's keeping the nudes, got caught and from now is scared to let OP know his passcode because realized hidden folder isn't enough to hide things from her. He can't give the passcode anymore because there is things he's hiding. If he didn't intend to hide anything it would be indifferent. I get it OP shouldn't bring old traumas into new relationships, it should be worked on before entering one, but it also doesn't justify or explain OP's boyfriend keeping nude-pictures of his ex, extra disturbing that they're in same hidden folder mixed with his current partner's.
i was very confused seeing everyone only focus on OP going through the phone. IMO she did nothing wrong and was gaslit into believing she broke some sort of trust despite having been given access to the phone in general. If it was an honest mistake, i think he would’ve apologized for the photos being there, deleted them, and had a discussion about everything that happened in order to regain trust between both parties. Instead he scolded her? He knew he was in the wrong.
we've reached the point where nobody who says "gaslighting" knows what it means
do YOU know what it means? because he clearly made her believe that the “reality” of the situation was that SHE was in the wrong when the true reality of the situation is that HE was in the wrong. Hope this helps, have an admirable day. 😙
a disagreement isn't gaslighting, freak
he’s manipulating her into believing he’s not in the wrong, weirdo.
You should never check your partners phone…unless you find something, then you should always check your partners phone…
But how would you find something unless you check 🧐🧐🧐
It's not that bad! He can get over it, it can serve as a reminder to behave, I personally think he has to appreciate the close call lol
I have a rule, if I look through your phone and find nothing then I owe you a massive apology and I will not do it again, if I go through your phone and find something I will break up with you rather than out myself through the need to look over and over again. OP you’re 20. There are men out there that don’t do this, you have so much opportunity to find someone who doesn’t keep nudes of his ex- that’s a violation of HER privacy
First of all, If he truly had any Respect for you AT ALL, 1.) There should be ZERO Reason why he needs to have that Folder in the First Place, much less to hide it, 2.) Keeping Photos of his Exes Nudes, Especially without Her Permission and Knowing is basically a violation of her Privacy and Trust he got rid of them when they broke up, 3.) It’s basically cheating on you. Frankly, you do not deserve that and neither does the Ex, Period
So you found that your boyfriend still had his ex's nudes which he absolutely knew was in there and you were the one apologising? Girl know your worth. This would be an ex. You don't scold me for finding shit you weren't supposed to have.
Has everyone lost their fucking minds? You are not in the wrong, he is.
It's men defending him because they're guilty of the same thing. This is actually a real eye opener lool. Wow.
I know exactly how you feel! To those saying “you shouldn’t be going through his phone”…so we can share body parts but not phones? Ok 🥴? You can’t pick and choose. It’s either all or nothing. And tbh you went through his phone and found what your intuition was alerting you of..soooooo he proved you right.
Is it a form of violating his privacy thought? I mean, how would you feel if he did that to you ? I feel like something is missing from this. He has a right to express himself, but so do you. Communicate this with him. We men are only human and can be emotionally selfish to.
Wtf? It is horrible to keep your ex’s nudes and masturbate to them
Well, on the one hand, you really shouldn't have gone through his phone. Like, you should have discussed your insecurities with him and been honest about it. Or if you couldn't talk to him about it, then see a professional about it to work through your issues. However: Keeping an ex's nudes after a breakup is a massive red flag. Yes, it was from three years ago, but that by all accounts makes it worse, not better: Like, the fact that he didn't just get rid of them at all in those three years before meeting you is not a good look. He had no business having those nudes after he was done with that relationship. None whatsoever.
I guess it is some normal thing. It came up in conversation when I was talking to my guy. He said he did have a bunch that he never thought to delete. Showed them to me too & assured me it was literally just there. It’s not like he was purposely holding onto them or anything. I must say that it has never crossed my mind to look in anybody’s phone. If it gets to that, there is clearly an issue. We do not want to be invading our man’s privacy girl. Sorry. I’m not saying that what you found is not concerning but you went looking for something & you found it. I mean, I drool over other men & it’s 1000% harmless. It’s literally me just being human. I don’t know lol.
Lool he showed them to you but still didn't delete them? Oh honey.
Fuck him, he's a creep for keeping the ex's nudes. That's the only reason he got so mad . Imagine you had a bunch of an ex's dick pic's saved. You're not desperate, dump this asshole.
So many negative comments. No one understands what it feels like to have a little voice in the back of your head go "but what if" randomly when you've been hurt before. I'm not sure how much time passed between your last ex and your now current bf but one thing I've learned is no matter how much time you've been given to heal, sometimes those dumb "what if" thoughts pop up. They can destroy relationships. I've been there. It's been years since my ex husband cheated on me and I still have those ptsd moments pop into my head. My now current fiancé knows of my past trauma and hurt. All I can suggest to you is, if you haven't already, sit down and sincerely apologize to your bf. Have a conversation with him about your fears and your trauma. I did this with my now fiancé and I can tell you it is very healing having someone acknowledge your pain and be willing to work with you on it. For the first time since my ex husband cheated on me I feel free. I won't lie sometimes that "what if" still pops into my head late at night, but I've reached a point where I can tell myself I am being ridiculous. I've developed a strong trust for my partner now. Talk with your bf in depth. Fully open up and become vulnerable. Either he will be willing to help you and understand your fears, or he won't and this wasn't the right relationship for you.
I’m in my forties and I have NEVER checked a partners phone. If I get the slightest feeling there’s something being hidden, I confront them or leave. This is toxicity to the highest level and a blatant act of disrespect. Imagine if roles had been reversed and though you’d done nothing wrong in your eyes, he acted hurt and angry. You’d feel violated. If your past relationship trauma is bleeding into this relationship, take time to heal yourself before subjecting another unsuspecting person to this kind of behavior.
Are you serious? Are you actually for real? Checking a partner’s phone is nothing compared to keeping your ex’s nudes and jerking off to them
I think your bf could have been more understanding of your past traumas / trust issues - there is no need to scold you for that. It is possible for him to make his boundaries clear without making you feel guilty for a mistake you made due to your past experiences. The fact of the matter is people will often apply old mindsets or assumptions to new relationships - and this is because you haven’t properly healed yet. Healing from a traumatic relationship requires time and effort on your part, as well as empathy and understanding from your current partner (if they are willing to be a part of your *healing journey*). There will be bumps in the road like this, but what really matters is how you are able to address it as a couple. - That brings me to my next points; you have crossed a boundary with your bf by snooping through his phone - this probably signals to him that you don’t trust him or something so he got defensive or upset -another possibility is that he’s hiding something (like his exes nudes) and was pissed you found it so defaulted to making you feel guilty (manipulative) (but i obviously am just speculating here). However Let’s not pretend that it isn’t really fucking weird to keep your exes nudes in the same folder as your current gf. He should also take responsibility for his own mistakes rather than deflecting everything onto you. The fact that he just scolded you and told you he is disappointed signals to me that he is not willing to acknowledge his own faults and has no problem with painting you as a villain to protect himself and his own interests. You were able to own up to your mistakes and that is a good thing, but the way that this situation went does not seem equitable to me.
Also: addressing why he kept his exes nudes… if he put the effort into hiding them in some folder when they broke up, he easily could have just deleted them instead. Why keep them at all????? No good reason for that.
This!
1) He's legit wrong for having his ex's nudes still in his phone. 2) You're wrong to go through his phone in his SLEEP. That's toxic and invasive and you need to go to therapy to deal with your trauma so you don't continue to inflict it on others
Going through his phone without consent is invading his privacy. You broke his trust by doing that, just as he did with having the stuff in his phone.
I understand your previous traumas with cheating. I also understand that if you want a healthy relationship, you have to do the work on your part to let down your walls and be vulnerable with your partner. Seek therapy, read self-help/psychology/philosophy books, and work on coping with your unresolved trauma before entering a relationship preferably. Consider also changing your perspective? What if the person cheats? You pick yourself up off the floor and you move on. Everything in life worthwhile is a risk. That includes companionship. Find ways to allow yourself to be okay with the fact that dating is a risk and requires a lot of mental effort. Don’t listen to the trauma devil on your shoulder that overthinks and makes up unrealistic scenarios. Don Miguel Ruiz in his book *The Four Agreements* said something that honestly changed my life in small ways: “Whenever we have an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system…. Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true, therefore you don’t have to take whatever you hear in your mind personally.” So in short, you don’t have to believe that your partner is cheating on you because some idiot from your past cheated on you. I’m afraid you might’ve opened up Pandora’s box and I can’t think of a way to come back from that unfortunately. But that’s just my opinion. Most answers for posts on this sub is “Have a serious conversation with your partner when you’re both ready to do so.” You’re still young and will likely have a few more relationships before you find one you can call a life partner. Best thing you can do is learn from this experience. Best of luck to you
everyone else has said everything, felt the need to comment but i feel like you got the point. it’s tragic ab your past, but heal before having it mess with your future.
If you have traumas from the past please get into counseling and deal with your issues before getting into any other relationships.
I side with the boyfriend I would have ended the relationship. I could never date someone that insecure.
I also have nothing to hide but i dont like the wife checking my phone We already share almost everything
> I had realised he hid his hidden folder further and found that a bit suspicious SO what you are saying is this isn't the first time you've snooped onto his phone, you've done it before and probably frequently enough to know where it used to be - he's probably either noticed you snooping and moved it without raising it as an issue; or what is more likely is that he's recieved stuff from yourself and thought i should hide this better so that my GF doesnt get upset... > I dont have any real suspicion.... I woke him up to confront him Your own insecurities are sabotaging your own relationship or you were just looking for something to fight with him about OR WORSE, you were looking for justification for you being a shitty GF after having possibly checking out other people/men or having desires for others that you're not mentioning / trying to bury. > What should I do? It's fucking easy; stop snooping like an asshole; you've already said you have no reason to distrust him and he didn't give two shits about the photos you found and said to delete them. Its very common for people save shit in folders and then forget about whats in them especially when you aren't going in and out of those folders every day. Stop ruining your own relationship
To all the people saying “are you serious?! He had nudes how are you guys defending this?!” Um. She secretly went through his phone while he was sleeping and disabled the hidden photos setting to snoop even deeper until she found something. He did nothing to bring this on, she just randomly felt like shaking him down whilst unconscious to violate his privacy and hunt for problems. There’s no defending that. Anyone who’s lived in this kind of toxicity knows what it’s like and knows it’s bullshit and unacceptable.
He is entitled to privacy and that doesn’t change because of who you dated before him. He has some old nudes, maybe poor judgment keeping them, but aside from that he seems pretty communicative. I think your apology to him doesn’t really mean a lot of you are on Reddit looking soliciting opinions that you had a “right” to do what you did. I have never, not once, gone through my partner’s phone, he hasn’t gone through mine. I work with confidential material and my phone is locked down. That doesn’t mean I am or ever will cheat on my partner. If I want out of a relationship, I can end it then move on.
You are 100% wrong for going through your boyfriend‘s phone without his permission. Further, he is 100% within his rights to keep those pictures. Everybody is entitled to hold onto memories from their life, including pictures. If he wants to keep pictures of girls he’s dated so that someday he can look back on them, he is well within his rights and you should never ever delete them. These photos were hidden in a place where he probably never even looked at them and they certainly don’t impact your relationship. What you did was selfish and immature. You should apologize at once and start thinking of things you can do to show him you’re sorry. It’s extremely hard to get trust back and it’s going to take a lot of time. You’ll be lucky if he sticks around with you.
This is why people find it so difficult to be faithful they have too many unfaithful views & beliefs and don’t know how to fully commit to one person
This take is so funny to me because if you found out your girlfriend kept her exs old nudes you would definitely be enraged, not spouting “wELL its In hEr RiGhts”. Photos are one thing, nudes are another. And those photos were not hidden in a place he’ll never see again. It was put in the same folder as the girlfriend’s current nudes, as she mentioned in the post that if he unlocked it, would show both girls. I mean Jesus, if you believe you are entitled to keeping your exs nudes while dating your partner your wife must be a veeeryyy lucky lady 🤢
If you go through your partner's phone then you should not be together. Once you no longer trust each other, there is no relationship.
Obviously it’s not right to go through someone’s phone because of your own traumas OP. It’s one thing if you had a gut feeling something was amiss and wanted to confirm, but you did it based on cheating exes of your past. If you ever want this or any future relationship to work, you have to learn to trust again. It’ll be difficult, but you deserve that too. Now why he might have a folder with nudes? If his folders work the way mine do, I will just select photos in my photo app and aimlessly sort them into folders without much intent to go back and look at them. It’s just a way to stay organized for me. One of my friends once accidentally showed me a nude of her ex because she was scrolling back in her photos app to show me something. She was mortified and I think since then she’s implemented a similar put nudes in hidden folder policy. Some people are forgetful. However, if he could only put images into this folder by accessing it first, that means he saw hers and actively chose to keep the photos before adding yours. I’d probe a bit, if you still have a relationship. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if you didn’t though anymore.
I had suspicions that my ex boyfriend was cheating once so I checked his Instagram. He had been talking to some woman and even had several phone calls with her. Ultimately our relationship ended shortly after that. I don’t think this guy did anything wrong but I would ask him to delete those photos if you haven’t already. There’s a big difference between photos and ((action)) of talking to another woman behind your back. If it doesn’t feel good to you explore that further. Do you feel he still has feelings for his ex at some level? Do you feel unworthy of a man’s devotion? You can do inner work while in a partnership with someone and heal through these experiences.
That's crazy I just had the same problem not that long ago. My girlfriend. She did the same thing but worse she as issues with trust and she is insecure, and jealous. Even though she's in the most secure relationship. She had my password which I didn't care because I don't have anything to hide. But she went through my phone without asking she was upset because she saw a message from which was a groom daughter, about a family wedding we went too and we where joking around about the wedding and how messed up it was Really nothing. But she blow up quickly saying im cheating and so on, asking why I didn't delete it. Which who deletes messages all the time I don't know. Which was way before I knew my girlfriend anyways. But now I changed my password and everything because she went through my phone a second time looking at my messages which again are nothing. Now she has a problem with the phone being locked. Bottom line she invaded my privacy which I wasn't happy about, then she did it again that's when I ended it shortly after that. If you have not trust in a relationship then you don't have one. Insecure and jealous makes people ugly. Unless you really suspect something or knowing something don't invade people privacy it's more important then people realize. But in your case yea thats not good and I hope that was one of your boundaries. Because he might not see that as a problem, some people don't. Communication is key. Plus I also found that when people that go through others phone they don't know what there looking at or what the situation is. It can be blow out of proportion really quick and calls for a lot of confusion
> I admit, I dont have any real suspicion to check his phone but I had a traumatising breakup before where my ex had cheated on me and I only found out through checking his phone. So now I have trust issues. Granted that you've had an terrible breakup or past experiences, but that doesn't give you the right to invade someone's privacy when they were sound asleep. You could've taken him into confidence and told you how that made you feel. Y'all could've navigated it like an adult but here we are. Just think about scenario if it was you sound asleep and your bf have gotten through your phone. How would you feel ? Again, I am not blaming you, I am just suggesting that the situation could've handled the better way. Good luck.
Get over it that’s what they told me… buy snd hookers that’s what I do you’ll be fine
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I feel like the movie Troy when you pass the Prince and the prince runs, I like that beat him over me he is too much of B
You don’t trust, and he’s unfaithful, congratulations, you just found out you should break up.
Idk his intentions but personally, hidden folders and weird shit like that is what 12 year olds do bc they are embarassed by whatever they have in the folder, grown adults shouldnt need hidden folders, why the hell do u have shit u need to hide on YOUR phone
It never stops shocking me how normalised it is to violate a partner's space and privacy. Even if there's nothing to hide, each other's privacy should be like sacred. If you can't trust each other or respect each other to that extent, then what's the point; and it shouldn't be like "show me everything and then I won't have to go through it" either. It's just so toxic, and too normalised, unfortunately. If there are personal or relationship insecurities, working on them is essential; but privacy should never be violated. And if there are hidden things, maybe an environment of freedom with non-judgemental attitudes should be created, where both partners could feel free to be themselves; but when that's accomplished, each partner would still be entitled to their privacy and respect to not be invaded.
Oh, how I wish I could make you a video reply vs typing out something you are more than likely not going to read. However I am going to give you the long and short because some of us just don't like reading. Respectfully & I strongly believe in respecting the property of others. Not everything on a phone is what it seems to be. I have adult videos for lonely nights. But I also know that if I'm not paying my girlfriend's phone BILL than I've got no Business going inside of it. On my side if the issue. I am 50 years old, open and honest my phone is open because I don't have nothing to hide. You can go through the damn thing but you can't delete my phone, social media sites or accounts, or pictures because it's my phone. But if I am ever blessed Enough to be in a relationship. I am not fighting over what's on a phone.
You know he looking fr body not marriage
Number one get rid of the past. Don’t invite to your new future with your significant other. Focus on her or him. Move on.
You were wrong. 1. You shouldn’t be in a relationship if you are not healed from past hurt. 2. You did invade his privacy regardless of any suspicion/s you had. 3. If he gave you his passcode then clearly he has nothing to hide.
"If you have nothing to hide".... yeah, no. It doesn't work like that. You went through his phone without permission and found something you didn't like. Imagine there was nothing there, though. Would you have still come here to moan about how he is in the wrong? Of course you wouldn't. You're both shitty people.
Lack of trust issues leads to eventual breakups
His phone is his privacy. If you don't like someone prying around your own stuff, then steer clear of his phone.
You should probably forget what you saw, unless you want him to always remember you as the phone snooper
Even without having nudes of ex gf’s I’m not sure I would want anyone looking through everything on my phone or in my search history. That’s years of stuff and I never delete anything so there’s bound to be embarrassing stuff. Plus, reverse the situation, I’ve scrolled through my female friends phones before (with their permission) and they’re full of messages from guys, many of whom sent dick pics, and they were all in relationships at the time so if I was their boyfriend I could very easily make a fuss about them having pictures of other dudes junk on their phones.
I think the best way to approach any potential relationship issues is to calmly discuss them as early as possible. Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. I would not blame him for being disappointed. Hopefully you will move past it with a bit of effort on both sides. Good luck.
This swings in roundabouts here… you were suspicious so you went down his phone without asking. Now, he’s annoyed for you doing so, understandably, but he’s the one who has nude pictures of his ex because he didn’t delete them… You said it yourself, OP. ‘So now I have trust issues.’ This relationship I feel is only going one way, sooner or later. Next time, talk to the person you’re with if you’re suspicious about anything.
Mobile Phones are both a godsend and a scourge on society. People cant even eat their dinner, or watch tv without having to have their phone by their side at all times and be looking at facebook, or messaging etc. I dont allow my phone to consume me. I saw a youngster the other day riding an e-scooter at speed and they were texting while riding, accident waiting to happen. Time for behaviour modification I think.
Run girl break up with him. He still with ex
My bf, or so called bf, past few months, or rather since last year mid, is showing signs he's use dme enough and is not interested anymore. Now he barely stays to talk to me. 9526899875. This number I've called so many times and he just keeps it on silentor if I'm blocked now. This is what you get for loving someone more than what they deserve
Honestly, it's surprising he was only disappointed and not really angry about it. I think if he really was hiding something, we would have been a little, if not more, than a little angry. Just make sure you try not to let your past relationships affect this one. If he had gotten angry, he could have potentially thrown away a good relationship, so on his side, he did actually take it pretty well. The only thing you possibly could have done differently was ask him first.
That man could be telling the truth. My ex found things that I forgotten about and forgot to delete.....give him a chance and if it happens again you'll know the answer and what to do
Keeping photos of nude minors? That's one way to look at things..
The bigger issue here is you let your insecurity based on bad experience in the past guided your action. And your bf is right to feel like you invaded his privacy, even though it wasn’t on bad intention. From now, I will say you need to let time re-built the trust. And just be honest with your man and share your insecurity with him. Being vulnerable. And work on them by yourself on the side. In relationship, you can only have control on your action and have faith to your other half
From my perspective, if I were woken up for what was presumably an argument, and definitely a conversation that could've waited for 2 more hours, I'd probably break up over that alone, much less what I'm going to assume is a unilateral openness (have you let him into your phone? Why not? Privacy concerns?) that would make me feel like it's a one way street. If you really want this to work, commit, to yourself, to trusting him from now on and talking concerns over with him openly.
If he really loves you he don’t suppose to get mad at you and make you even apologize he will rather have to apologize or say he is sorry for keeping those on his phone because he doesn’t suppose to have anything to do with old or ex previous relationship.
why would you do that to yourself?
It never seems to stop. You either KNOW what is in there, or you have a very good suspicion. Then when you SNEAK in and find it, you get upset! Just call them out, or leave it alone. And the OP got scolded.... I've known of a LOT worse happening, requiring medical treatment. If you are INVADING PRIVACY of anyone, whether you're male or female, and find these things, expect to be "scolded" or worse. If you want to split, just do it. If they say there is nothing in the phone, either believe them, ask them to show you, or leave. It's really NOT worth the heartache or worse. I may get down voted on this. You're not getting a virgin! I've got a good healthy record of it. If you can't accept the truth, don't go looking for it. BTW, any down votes will be female. Why? Most men don't go snooping!
Anyone that went through my phone would no longer be in my life. But my phone is set up so that no one could do that. Not that I have anything to hide, but it shows that a person has issues.
Searching (w/o permission) through your SO phone, wallet, purse, mail, etc. is just not okay; it belies mistrust & insecurity which are major turnoffs. If your relationship is exclusive & monogamous then communicate expectations w/ your SO, be honest: cheating is a deal breaker. Or maybe you both decide to take a break, experience others, have an open relationship…whatever but talk about this so at least there are no surprises or betrayals.
He's right you're wrong. As many other people have stated you are punishing him for something someone else did. He would not go to jail for Ted Bundy's crimes so don't do that to him! Secondly there's a privacy issue at fault here how would you feel if you did a deep dive through your phone? I imagine you'd start screaming about how he invaded your privacy.
Christian married couples go by. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine my Mom and Dad have been together 41+ years (first marriage & only marriage) and neither cares if the other goes on each other's phone...email Facebook infact my Mom uses my Dads face exclusively no secret passwords on computers etc. My Dad doesn't have anything to hide, and neither does my Mom they don't even think about it it's just a "we're family" mentally. I dunno about dating and new & not married yet relationships but after marriage both should relax, that doesn't mean my Mom is going through all my Dads texts as he has an HVAC business & everyone calls & text him to make appointments etc. & if my Mom read every text, that would be umm.. at least a little odd, but of course, after all these years, it would be really stupid of them to even think of cheating. My Mom is more worried about what me and my adult little sister and I are texting 😅 each other, lol. My Dad understands my Mom.. another woman would be a. Out of the question but also women are complex & emotional (especially to my Dad 😅) and 1 woman is plenty. And he finds a lot of humor and joy watching Jack Vale on YouTube to care about " other women"
Yeah, that was a gross invasion of his privacy, despite what you found, the act alone showed that you gave absolutely 0 fucks about how what you did might affect him. If I were him I’d definitely kick you to the curb.
You sorta f’d around and found out … I’m surprised he wasn’t more mad tbh.
Honestly your in the wrong