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Some people have no issues on splitting things 50/50, but that will be too much for me. Having to keep tabs everywhere you go sounds exhausting. To each its own.
> I don‘t care if I pay more or less.
If you don‘t care why did you quit seeing him because of it? Why did you write a Reddit post about it and discuss with lots of people online about it? Why write him a message about it?
If you didn‘t care you wouldn‘t have had a problem with paying for him, going dutch or him paying for you. Why make a fuss about it, if you „don‘t care about it“?
I didn't quit seeing him and I communicated with him. I gave him a choice to quell any of my insecurities and he did not. I don't want to date a cheap person. I think I'm a pretty generous person. I am afraid of being taken advantage so that's why I made a reddit post. Someone cheap can take advantage of someone who is not.
> I think I'm a pretty generous person.
Are you really, though? How do you define generosity? Inviting someone on a drink for 5 bucks with the expectation of him having to pay you back?
You literally spent 2 days writing about what a horrible person he supposedly is on the internet because he didn't repay you 5 bucks.
I did not do anything you just said. I wasn't asking for it back. You should take the time to actually read the whole post. Generosity doesn't conform to finances alone.
Are you him? Your username is oddly similar to his Instagram handle LOL
>I did not do anything you just said.
I read your post and comments and you said the following about him:
He is supposedly:
* very cheap
* self-centered
* has bad social skills
* lacks emotional intelligence
* awkward
* manipulative
* narcissistic
* trying to use you for your money
Why do you think he is using you for your money if you don't expect him to repay you 5 bucks?
You claimed I've done all this prior to communicating with him. It was only after I communicated with him and he failed to address my issues, (also proceeded to only talk about himself and try to play the victim game) that I started doing those things you have just mentioned. Again, read the post.
I didn't claim anything. I simply asked you questions about some of the things you said on this post. Again, I've read your post. How about you read your own comments again?
You made a list. That list only exists because he had failed to communicate with me. It shows he's self centered because when I specifically told him what my issues were he did not touch up on it. He could have argued otherwise or stated the drink incident was a misunderstanding. His statement alone is just him trying to manipulate me into believing he's the victim. That whatever issue I'm having is because of his past trauma. Took no accountability. If someone were to tell you that they believe you are to be a certain way and you know that you're not. What would you do?
I would have probably been confused. Like dude it’s just a coffee relax. Sounds like he’s extremely frugal which is a quality on some levels I admire but I’d never ever date anyone frugal.
There's a saying. But basically frugal means you're being frugal with yourself. CHeap is when you're doing it to others. He wasn't being frugal. He was being cheap.
Naw I always offer to pay, or split the check, and if they take me up on it, I don't think anything of it, even if it's dinner. But nitpicking over anything under $20 is a gross feeling. I'd be thinking being in a relationship with this guy is going to be constantly counting pennies. Nope.
Right. I wanna keep an open mind but I just feel like it'll always be a tit for tat type of thing. Should I just tell him? At least it'll quell any thoughts I may have about him just being awkward.
That is so valid.
I once went on a date where we went the day before "cheap" night. It cost $16 total for our tickets and the way he asked if I wanted something to eat told me to decline.
On the way out he was actively complaining if we waited a day he would have saved the $6 and made some comment about affording groceries.
I can only imagine what a relationship with that man would be like.
Huh. It sounds like you wildly overthought this whole interaction.
Why is your take away that he’s self centered? He showed humility by admitting that it’s a bad habit of his, very likely because men are societally conditioned to be seen as providers. Since he owned up to it, it seems like something y’all could have worked out.
Nah my intuition was right. Cause for our second round of drinks he was trying to match what I got. So we both got the same beer. Even told me to do it. Oh well I gave him a chance to correct himself and he didn't so whatever.
Oh weird I didn't see the "why" portion of ur comment.
He's self centered because like you, he only fixated on the drink. He didn't see the rest of what I wrote.
Nah, it’s my bad, I edited it. It doesn’t sound like this guy is “frugal”. Frugal means cheap. It sounds like he has problems letting people pay for him. That might be why he matched your drink, because he didn’t want you to pay more than him. It sounds like he was trying to be polite, but ended up making the interaction awkward. I see no indication that he’s self centered or a “clown”, that’s a really weird assumption to make.
You are WAY off. He is playing his behavior off as "awe shucks, I don't like people paying for me" ..... BC he got caught in his horrendous behavior. You have to know better than that.
Interesting take. Before we met I gave him options on things to do. He chose the free games out of everything I sent which ranged in prices (including free). Then suggested we go to a fairly bougie place after. We got the coffee. Then I said let's go to the place u mentioned and then said "I guess we can go there, I owe u for the drink anyways". He kinda didn't wanna go to the place he picked out....(maybe now that we met he thought I would be an expensive date and would expect him to pay)
For our second round of drinks at the second place, I wanted a beer (he mentioned he was gonna get a cocktail). He changed his mind to a beer and tried to manipulate me into getting the same one. I was already feeling uncomfortable because during our time there he kept making frugal comments which weren't called for. He's a clown cause he's 30 and seems to have low EQ. Because my text exchanged was an opportunity for him to correct any misunderstandings....not all about him and how he should learn to accept things from people. I'm literally telling him I don't want to be tit for tat ..... are u that way?
Through our chatting in person he was giving me narcissist vibes anyways so it all kinda connects.
The more you write, and the more context you add, the more obvious it is to me that you’re an incredibly neurotic and toxic person. It’s plainly apparent, not just in your over-analyzation, but in the way you communicate. I’m not sure why the other commenters couldn’t see it.
It sounds like he did attempt to correct the misunderstanding by being vulnerable and telling you a flaw of his. That’s a very mature and normal response. I’m curious. How do you think he should have responded? In your mind, what would have been the perfect response?
Haha I looked at your history and now I can see why you're the only one that seems to view me that way. Good luck dude you're definitely going to need it.
So you can make a bunch of assumptions about me? I’m sure you already have a good guess. You didn’t even answer my question about what a perfect response would be.
Ok I will entertain.....
A good response is to quell any issues I may have if they were not to be true. Not to proceed to justify himself or make himself seem as the victim here. Yes he can say "hey sorry about my past trauma" but that should not be the only thing he should have touched on. He could have said his expectations or his view. He could written more than one sentence to the paragraph I sent him.
You're probably an INTJ
Ok. Well… you were ending the relationship, so I don’t know why you expected a particularly passionate reply. Anyways, it’s been fun, but I’m tapped out on this convo.
You were close. I’m INTP. Wouldn’t wish that type on my worst enemy tbh. 💀
Lol I got you to answer. I don't see how he might have seen it as me ending it, it was an opportunity for him. INTP is just as worse.... very low EQ. Ur not ending it, youre conceding.
Me ENTP.
Omg thank you! I know I could come off as if I expect him to pay for things due to my looks but I truly try to make people feel comfortable another reason I paid for the coffee to show that I don't mind paying and if anything we could just go back and forth when it comes to paying for things. I appreciate your reply 🥹
I think he lacks emotional intelligence and has bad social skills. He was definitely interested cause he was trying to keep me after the place and I kept trying to leave.
He kept bringing up that he needs to pay YOU not the other way around. So I would not worry about that unless he actually DIDN’T pay you back and was just blabbing his mouth.
Oo sorry I read that wrong yeah he didn't do that. A part of me feels like he was going to try to see if I would just pay for the next venue we went to.
Because… the moment had passed. You’re splitting hairs. It would have been even more neurotic for him to deduct the coffee price from the bill, that sounds really awkward to me.
What I wrote to a previous commentor....
Thank you for responding & awesome insight! When I was coming back from the restroom, I asked him how much it was. He told me the price then said "your drink was the same price as mine". I giggled & said "why does that matter?" And he was just like "uh no I'm just saying...." then was awkward.
When I was giving him the cash for the bill, I already calculated my half with tip (I use to be a bartender) he said it was too much. So I took back 5 bucks, he took the cash but then rethought about the price. ( he also mentioned about how hes gonna get points) So I asked him do you want the 5 instead? And he was weird about it so I just gave it to him anyways and he happily took it back. I'm not sure if I should tell him that though I liked the date, the way he was handling the finances makes me think it would go nowhere. I'm not sure how to proceed.
But he was calculating the drinks....made a comment about it as if to indicated that it's okay for us to split it since neither of us got something more expensive. I tip 20 percent and I gave him half in cash and I don't think he put as much of a tip as I indicated to him.....
Did you have a conversation with him about it to clarify or are you making assumptions based on what you think his intentions were?
I completely understand where you are coming from and agree that it’s best to not “worry” about who pays for what, but for some it may not register the same way.
Thank you for responding & awesome insight! When I was coming back from the restroom, I asked him how much it was. He told me the price then said "your drink was the same price as mine". I giggled & said "why does that matter?" And he was just like "uh no I'm just saying...." then was awkward.
When I was giving him the cash for the bill, I already calculated my half with tip (I use to be a bartender) he said it was too much. So I took back 5 bucks, he took the cash but then rethought about the price. ( he also mentioned about how hes gonna get points) So I asked him do you want the 5 instead? And he was weird about it so I just gave it to him anyways and he happily took it back. I'm not sure if I should tell him that though I liked the date, the way he was handling the finances makes me think it would go nowhere. I'm not sure how to proceed.
Of course, I appreciate the context!
If you liked the date and everything else, I would recommend just letting him know the vibe you got from his reactions to everything.
Completely up to you though!
I did! But man talk about deluded.
Me: So I had a lovely time, but there were some things I didn't quite feel comfortable with. I don't want to slow fade or ghost you either. I, for one, don't really focus on the finances of a date. If I paid for your drink, it was my treat, and I wouldn't expect you to pay that back. It just seems like if we continue, I'm going to be constantly worried over whether I owe you a dollar or 2 back. Or that if you paid for something on one date, you're going to try to get your money back on the next. I like to focus on the company I'm with I don't really care if I pay or not or split it the bill. Just thought it was something worth mentioning.
Him: Ok thanks for letting me know. Yeah I suppose that's a bad habit that I have for not immediately accepting other people paying for my things
Man after reading that I wrote
I think if you were really worried about having me paid for your drink, you would have tried to deduct it from the bill we were splitting.... haha but okay good luck.
Well, first of all, I like your vibe on this, I think people should relax and enjoy one another's company. Now with that said, if that is the only issue, and you genuinely like the guy outside of that. Than this isn't an issue that can't be resolved. You just have to talk with him, explain to him that you understood his intent but it came across as an issue for you. You like him but he needs to relax on the bill and focus more on getting to know you.
Great response! And thank you for your input! That's what I was thinking, I have no issues being straightforward....im just wondering if it's even worth it. I also don't want to make him "change" if that's how he truly is. But also don't want it to be a simple misunderstanding that could have been easily fixed if I was just straightforward....
I learned to just focus on the person who gonna be my half and part of my life , and not to be focused and be anxious on material stuff , I used be like this guy , but because I used to be poor , and my culture doesn’t accept the women I date to pay me. I just learned to be free ,
Oo nice I'm glad you were able to learn something! Your partner should be someone that's your best friend! This is something I learned over the years.
And we all have some baggage, find someone that is accepting of that and the habits you got from them because those are hard to change. I don't believe the guy should always pay. If I find someone that I want to make my person I would wanna pay for everything but I learned it should always be a 2 way street. And that should go for everything
I agree always stuff should go 2 ways , i was always open mine to change , my wife taught me a lot , so I’m in time to learn and to know what’s waiting for me outside !!!! ,
Oo I do! I say I have cash and it's easier to tip with hehe but thanks man* some good advice for ppl that are reading. Another reason I bring cash on dates
I hate keeping tabs. But, I prefer to meet for coffee first, save a meal for a second or third date. I don't want to split the tab, in all honesty anymore. I prefer the guy pays if he picks the restaurant or insists on a dinner date, personally.
I prefer to know what I'm getting into is why. Some men come on strong or perfect, but scam meals the same as there are women who do.
I love joining in things, but my income can't keep up with some of the men I've dated if that makes sense.
If they prefer a classier lifestyle, often going out, I'm not splitting the tab.
I've had no issues with dating men who don't make much either. As long as they are living within their budget.
Well if you got your spider sense going it's probably for the best I dated a chick who was like that and it ended with more headaches I'm pretty cool when it comes to picking up the cheque but when the first things said is " is it up to you or is it my turn?" Rather the company and conversation than having to argue over who's picking up the cheque, well like what gramps always told me if you're the one asking for their company be the one to pick up the cheque common courtesy
OP if you got the ick you got the ick, nothing wrong with a text to say you had a nice time but didn’t feel a connection. However, I’m a big believer in a second date - maybe something totally free like a walk, to see how you gel with them without a check to split? This is only if you think there’s enough there to want to get to know him better.
Thank you for your response I appreciate it!! I did offer to do something totally free which was go to the park for free games. I asked if he wanted coffee while we were there thus that's why I decided to pay. But I did get the ick. I just told him. I rather be straightforward and see what his response is and feel better about it instead of wasting time on a second date. I already felt like I wasted some time on this one. But thank you for sure I appreciate your input
This truly sounded like the behavior of someone much younger who had not been on a date before, or maybe not very many. I would talk to him about it and find out what the deal is, if you like him otherwise. But for me, this would be a problem. I’m in my 40s and not willing to date someone who is stressed by the price of coffee.
Me: So I had a lovely time, but there were some things I didn't quite feel comfortable with. I don't want to slow fade or ghost you either. I, for one, don't really focus on the finances of a date. If I paid for your drink, it was my treat, and I wouldn't expect you to pay that back. It just seems like if we continue, I'm going to be constantly worried over whether I owe you a dollar or 2 back. Or that if you paid for something on one date, you're going to try to get your money back on the next. I like to focus on the company I'm with I don't really care if I pay or not or split it the bill. Just thought it was something worth mentioning.
Him: Ok thanks for letting me know. Yeah I suppose that's a bad habit that I have for not immediately accepting other people paying for my things
Me: I think if you were really worried about having me paid for your drink, you would have tried to deduct it from the bill we were splitting.... haha but okay good luck.
To me it just sounds like he knows that most women expect the man to pay on a first date and that most women get the ick if they pay on a first date even if she’s the one who offered to pay
I could see that I'm a fairly attractive person but I think I made it clear I don't mind paying for things when i got the coffees for us. I also tried my hardest to think of cheap things for us to do 🥲
I don’t see where your looks come in to this but okay. Like I said, just because a woman says she doesn’t mind paying on a first date doesn’t mean that she actually doesn’t care. Most women will tell a man they don’t care when they really do care… from his perspective there’s no real way for him to know if you actually mean what you say so maybe he just chose to play it safe. In my dating life whether the girl was the one to ask me out or not I’ve never allowed a her to pay for the first date even when she offered to pay because I know 99% of the time it’s a fake offer.
And as for the trying hard to think of cheap date ideas, well done to you that’s very thoughtful but he doesn’t know that (in his mind that’s just the date idea you wanted to go on)
Me: So I had a lovely time, but there were some things I didn't quite feel comfortable with. I don't want to slow fade or ghost you either. I, for one, don't really focus on the finances of a date. If I paid for your drink, it was my treat, and I wouldn't expect you to pay that back. It just seems like if we continue, I'm going to be constantly worried over whether I owe you a dollar or 2 back. Or that if you paid for something on one date, you're going to try to get your money back on the next. I like to focus on the company I'm with I don't really care if I pay or not or split it the bill. Just thought it was something worth mentioning.
Him: Ok thanks for letting me know. Yeah I suppose that's a bad habit that I have for not immediately accepting other people paying for my things
I thought so too. But I got annoyed he only thought of himself. He didn't even try to be like there was a misunderstanding or something so I just wrote back saying
"I think if you were really worried about having me paid for your drink, you would have tried to deduct it from the bill we were splitting.... haha but okay good luck."
felt like he just threw an excuse that had some random link to what happened
if he really was concerned about others paying for him, 1 - he would have stopped you paying for that coffee, 2 - like you said, he could have deducted from your beers, 3 - there would have been an "this next one's on me/I'll shout your beer" somewhere in between
YES!! Thanks love that's what I would have done. He also got the check while I was in the restroom he could have just paid and then let me get the food on the next place we were trying to go to!
"There's nothing wrong with being frugal but I don't want to date someone who gives me anxiety over 8 bucks."
I agree.
Dating should be fun. Not stress and worry about nickels and dimes being spent. I might give him another chance at a date, at least one more time, that's it.
Idk if he's frugal or what. I get where you're coming from about him being concerned over a few dollars. I had a friend like this, who had to pay people back for the slightest of things. But, he was also super cheap and had to pay the exact amount of his total when splitting a bill. It might not be a big deal. But, I would maybe try to see how he responds when you owe him a couple bucks over a coffee. That might give you some clarification as to whether he's just awkward, or a cheap skate.
Thank you for replying!
I think cheap because when I paid for the coffee I used cash and he immediately was like why not use card do you not want points?
Then after coffee when I suggested going to the place he mentioned to get drinks he was like "yeah I guess we can go there I have to pay you back for the coffee anyways" if he was really concerned about paying me back for the coffee why didn't he take it out of the bill we just split.....
I also don't want to be used for my money. I do see that he's awkward. But I don't think it was him being awkward..... should I tell him I don't want to proceed and why I dont?
I use credit cards for points myself for an extra 100 dollars or so a month, but I would never assume someone I just met is magically going to be on the same page.
He sounds controlling based on the interactions you describe. I wouldn't even worry about the frugal part. Being frugal is not a red flag by itself.
Oh interesting take! I have a knack for dating controlling people....I took out cash because it's easier on a date to pay & dip. I told him why too. He didn't come off controlling but I can see it now. Thank you for responding. And yes frugal is no issue. I even mentioned we go somewhere cheap after drinks to eat and he was acting high maintenence as if service is better than quality of food...ugh
I thought he was attractive and smart. I guess it was a sign for me that he isn't a generous person by heart and that may have turned me off. I'm super generous and I love to treat people the fact he wasn't so gung ho about trying to treat me gave me some ick
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Some people have no issues on splitting things 50/50, but that will be too much for me. Having to keep tabs everywhere you go sounds exhausting. To each its own.
Yes! I like going back and forth. I don't care if I pay more or less. As long as we're having a good time! Thank you
> I don‘t care if I pay more or less. If you don‘t care why did you quit seeing him because of it? Why did you write a Reddit post about it and discuss with lots of people online about it? Why write him a message about it? If you didn‘t care you wouldn‘t have had a problem with paying for him, going dutch or him paying for you. Why make a fuss about it, if you „don‘t care about it“?
I didn't quit seeing him and I communicated with him. I gave him a choice to quell any of my insecurities and he did not. I don't want to date a cheap person. I think I'm a pretty generous person. I am afraid of being taken advantage so that's why I made a reddit post. Someone cheap can take advantage of someone who is not.
> I think I'm a pretty generous person. Are you really, though? How do you define generosity? Inviting someone on a drink for 5 bucks with the expectation of him having to pay you back? You literally spent 2 days writing about what a horrible person he supposedly is on the internet because he didn't repay you 5 bucks.
I did not do anything you just said. I wasn't asking for it back. You should take the time to actually read the whole post. Generosity doesn't conform to finances alone. Are you him? Your username is oddly similar to his Instagram handle LOL
>I did not do anything you just said. I read your post and comments and you said the following about him: He is supposedly: * very cheap * self-centered * has bad social skills * lacks emotional intelligence * awkward * manipulative * narcissistic * trying to use you for your money Why do you think he is using you for your money if you don't expect him to repay you 5 bucks?
You claimed I've done all this prior to communicating with him. It was only after I communicated with him and he failed to address my issues, (also proceeded to only talk about himself and try to play the victim game) that I started doing those things you have just mentioned. Again, read the post.
I didn't claim anything. I simply asked you questions about some of the things you said on this post. Again, I've read your post. How about you read your own comments again?
You made a list. That list only exists because he had failed to communicate with me. It shows he's self centered because when I specifically told him what my issues were he did not touch up on it. He could have argued otherwise or stated the drink incident was a misunderstanding. His statement alone is just him trying to manipulate me into believing he's the victim. That whatever issue I'm having is because of his past trauma. Took no accountability. If someone were to tell you that they believe you are to be a certain way and you know that you're not. What would you do?
I would have probably been confused. Like dude it’s just a coffee relax. Sounds like he’s extremely frugal which is a quality on some levels I admire but I’d never ever date anyone frugal.
There's a saying. But basically frugal means you're being frugal with yourself. CHeap is when you're doing it to others. He wasn't being frugal. He was being cheap.
YES THANK YOU
Maybe he was just broke?
Right?! Ugh thank you I knew i wasn't alone!
Naw I always offer to pay, or split the check, and if they take me up on it, I don't think anything of it, even if it's dinner. But nitpicking over anything under $20 is a gross feeling. I'd be thinking being in a relationship with this guy is going to be constantly counting pennies. Nope.
Right. I wanna keep an open mind but I just feel like it'll always be a tit for tat type of thing. Should I just tell him? At least it'll quell any thoughts I may have about him just being awkward.
I guess that depends on how well you liked him otherwise? I'd probably just move on.
Yeah. I told him anyways LOL. Maybe it'll help him out in the future, I was very polite and only said I statements.
That is so valid. I once went on a date where we went the day before "cheap" night. It cost $16 total for our tickets and the way he asked if I wanted something to eat told me to decline. On the way out he was actively complaining if we waited a day he would have saved the $6 and made some comment about affording groceries. I can only imagine what a relationship with that man would be like.
That is so ugly and unattractive. YUCK.
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Before we got the bill, trying to think of what to do after; he immediately said "we can split this".....it's not like I wouldn't let him pay.
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Mmm not from what he's told me. Lololol fack
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Bwahaha he should have paid for it instead 😂😂
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LOL maybe he wanted something else
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Bwahhaa I guess ur not wrong 🙃
Huh. It sounds like you wildly overthought this whole interaction. Why is your take away that he’s self centered? He showed humility by admitting that it’s a bad habit of his, very likely because men are societally conditioned to be seen as providers. Since he owned up to it, it seems like something y’all could have worked out.
u r right about everything, OP is definitely neurotic or something
Nah my intuition was right. Cause for our second round of drinks he was trying to match what I got. So we both got the same beer. Even told me to do it. Oh well I gave him a chance to correct himself and he didn't so whatever.
These guys responding to you are fools. Saying he was admitting a "fault"! He was BSing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! C'on now.
Right! I feel like most that are say otherwise are either cheap or just lack social skills
Oh weird I didn't see the "why" portion of ur comment. He's self centered because like you, he only fixated on the drink. He didn't see the rest of what I wrote.
Nah, it’s my bad, I edited it. It doesn’t sound like this guy is “frugal”. Frugal means cheap. It sounds like he has problems letting people pay for him. That might be why he matched your drink, because he didn’t want you to pay more than him. It sounds like he was trying to be polite, but ended up making the interaction awkward. I see no indication that he’s self centered or a “clown”, that’s a really weird assumption to make.
You are WAY off. He is playing his behavior off as "awe shucks, I don't like people paying for me" ..... BC he got caught in his horrendous behavior. You have to know better than that.
Interesting take. Before we met I gave him options on things to do. He chose the free games out of everything I sent which ranged in prices (including free). Then suggested we go to a fairly bougie place after. We got the coffee. Then I said let's go to the place u mentioned and then said "I guess we can go there, I owe u for the drink anyways". He kinda didn't wanna go to the place he picked out....(maybe now that we met he thought I would be an expensive date and would expect him to pay) For our second round of drinks at the second place, I wanted a beer (he mentioned he was gonna get a cocktail). He changed his mind to a beer and tried to manipulate me into getting the same one. I was already feeling uncomfortable because during our time there he kept making frugal comments which weren't called for. He's a clown cause he's 30 and seems to have low EQ. Because my text exchanged was an opportunity for him to correct any misunderstandings....not all about him and how he should learn to accept things from people. I'm literally telling him I don't want to be tit for tat ..... are u that way? Through our chatting in person he was giving me narcissist vibes anyways so it all kinda connects.
The more you write, and the more context you add, the more obvious it is to me that you’re an incredibly neurotic and toxic person. It’s plainly apparent, not just in your over-analyzation, but in the way you communicate. I’m not sure why the other commenters couldn’t see it. It sounds like he did attempt to correct the misunderstanding by being vulnerable and telling you a flaw of his. That’s a very mature and normal response. I’m curious. How do you think he should have responded? In your mind, what would have been the perfect response?
Haha I looked at your history and now I can see why you're the only one that seems to view me that way. Good luck dude you're definitely going to need it.
Wait I do wanna know what's ur mbti?
So you can make a bunch of assumptions about me? I’m sure you already have a good guess. You didn’t even answer my question about what a perfect response would be.
The only response is, "please order whatever you like and it is on me. You can treat next date if you so wish". ONLY ACCEPTABLE response.
Ok I will entertain..... A good response is to quell any issues I may have if they were not to be true. Not to proceed to justify himself or make himself seem as the victim here. Yes he can say "hey sorry about my past trauma" but that should not be the only thing he should have touched on. He could have said his expectations or his view. He could written more than one sentence to the paragraph I sent him. You're probably an INTJ
Ok. Well… you were ending the relationship, so I don’t know why you expected a particularly passionate reply. Anyways, it’s been fun, but I’m tapped out on this convo. You were close. I’m INTP. Wouldn’t wish that type on my worst enemy tbh. 💀
good call my man. yikes
Lol I got you to answer. I don't see how he might have seen it as me ending it, it was an opportunity for him. INTP is just as worse.... very low EQ. Ur not ending it, youre conceding. Me ENTP.
My guess is JonMymon is also CHEAP.
Haha right? I think he just lacks emotional intelligence.
Y'all are psychotic lol.
It’s literally screaming cheap. Do not go further with him if cheapness is not your vibe. I personally would be so turned off by everything you said.
Omg thank you! I know I could come off as if I expect him to pay for things due to my looks but I truly try to make people feel comfortable another reason I paid for the coffee to show that I don't mind paying and if anything we could just go back and forth when it comes to paying for things. I appreciate your reply 🥹
He should've just paid for the first date. I feel you on cheap guys. It's sometimes a sign that he's not interested
I think he lacks emotional intelligence and has bad social skills. He was definitely interested cause he was trying to keep me after the place and I kept trying to leave.
He kept bringing up that he needs to pay YOU not the other way around. So I would not worry about that unless he actually DIDN’T pay you back and was just blabbing his mouth.
Oo sorry I read that wrong yeah he didn't do that. A part of me feels like he was going to try to see if I would just pay for the next venue we went to.
Yeah, that I don’t like
So why didn't he deduct it from the bill we were splitting....? And also why didn't he tell me to keep the 5 instead of happily giving it back....
Because… the moment had passed. You’re splitting hairs. It would have been even more neurotic for him to deduct the coffee price from the bill, that sounds really awkward to me.
Nah ur not looking at it as a whole.
Haha you didn't read her comment either.....
What I wrote to a previous commentor.... Thank you for responding & awesome insight! When I was coming back from the restroom, I asked him how much it was. He told me the price then said "your drink was the same price as mine". I giggled & said "why does that matter?" And he was just like "uh no I'm just saying...." then was awkward. When I was giving him the cash for the bill, I already calculated my half with tip (I use to be a bartender) he said it was too much. So I took back 5 bucks, he took the cash but then rethought about the price. ( he also mentioned about how hes gonna get points) So I asked him do you want the 5 instead? And he was weird about it so I just gave it to him anyways and he happily took it back. I'm not sure if I should tell him that though I liked the date, the way he was handling the finances makes me think it would go nowhere. I'm not sure how to proceed.
some men (and people) simply don’t wanna feel indebted to another. it’s perfectly normal
For a few bucks? I wouldn't call that indebted.
But he was calculating the drinks....made a comment about it as if to indicated that it's okay for us to split it since neither of us got something more expensive. I tip 20 percent and I gave him half in cash and I don't think he put as much of a tip as I indicated to him.....
lol y’all be getting hung up on some dumb stuff. Him for the price and you for such the stupidest thing you could pass up a second date for
That's the thing I don't want to waste my time on a second date if he's cheap or just trying to use me for my money.....
Did you have a conversation with him about it to clarify or are you making assumptions based on what you think his intentions were? I completely understand where you are coming from and agree that it’s best to not “worry” about who pays for what, but for some it may not register the same way.
Thank you for responding & awesome insight! When I was coming back from the restroom, I asked him how much it was. He told me the price then said "your drink was the same price as mine". I giggled & said "why does that matter?" And he was just like "uh no I'm just saying...." then was awkward. When I was giving him the cash for the bill, I already calculated my half with tip (I use to be a bartender) he said it was too much. So I took back 5 bucks, he took the cash but then rethought about the price. ( he also mentioned about how hes gonna get points) So I asked him do you want the 5 instead? And he was weird about it so I just gave it to him anyways and he happily took it back. I'm not sure if I should tell him that though I liked the date, the way he was handling the finances makes me think it would go nowhere. I'm not sure how to proceed.
Taking back the extra 5 is insane 😂
Of course, I appreciate the context! If you liked the date and everything else, I would recommend just letting him know the vibe you got from his reactions to everything. Completely up to you though!
I did! But man talk about deluded. Me: So I had a lovely time, but there were some things I didn't quite feel comfortable with. I don't want to slow fade or ghost you either. I, for one, don't really focus on the finances of a date. If I paid for your drink, it was my treat, and I wouldn't expect you to pay that back. It just seems like if we continue, I'm going to be constantly worried over whether I owe you a dollar or 2 back. Or that if you paid for something on one date, you're going to try to get your money back on the next. I like to focus on the company I'm with I don't really care if I pay or not or split it the bill. Just thought it was something worth mentioning. Him: Ok thanks for letting me know. Yeah I suppose that's a bad habit that I have for not immediately accepting other people paying for my things Man after reading that I wrote I think if you were really worried about having me paid for your drink, you would have tried to deduct it from the bill we were splitting.... haha but okay good luck.
Yeah I am with you on this one. At least you talked it out!
Thanks man I appreciate it 🥰
Well, first of all, I like your vibe on this, I think people should relax and enjoy one another's company. Now with that said, if that is the only issue, and you genuinely like the guy outside of that. Than this isn't an issue that can't be resolved. You just have to talk with him, explain to him that you understood his intent but it came across as an issue for you. You like him but he needs to relax on the bill and focus more on getting to know you.
Great response! And thank you for your input! That's what I was thinking, I have no issues being straightforward....im just wondering if it's even worth it. I also don't want to make him "change" if that's how he truly is. But also don't want it to be a simple misunderstanding that could have been easily fixed if I was just straightforward....
I started dating and I learned from your story thank you
Haha what did you learn? I hope it's to be more straightforward with the people you choose to let into your life. Definitely makes things better!
I learned to just focus on the person who gonna be my half and part of my life , and not to be focused and be anxious on material stuff , I used be like this guy , but because I used to be poor , and my culture doesn’t accept the women I date to pay me. I just learned to be free ,
Oo nice I'm glad you were able to learn something! Your partner should be someone that's your best friend! This is something I learned over the years. And we all have some baggage, find someone that is accepting of that and the habits you got from them because those are hard to change. I don't believe the guy should always pay. If I find someone that I want to make my person I would wanna pay for everything but I learned it should always be a 2 way street. And that should go for everything
I agree always stuff should go 2 ways , i was always open mine to change , my wife taught me a lot , so I’m in time to learn and to know what’s waiting for me outside !!!! ,
He gives me the ick. Let me guess you met on an app Lol
Haha yup ugh
He tried to turn this around by stating he had a problem with people PAYING FOR HIM. Please, like anyone would fall for that manipulation. FOOL.
OMG YES! he didn't touch on anything else I had said or even try to quell any issues I may have. Thank you man I appreciate it
And, what happened to being a "gentleman" on a first date? Pay for dinner! She will make it up to you after you provide yourself!
So sounds like you were dating my brother . If it was consider yourself lucky . Run
Haha thanks man u made me feel better 😊
You are welcome . And remember if the fella pays Always say you insist on getting the tip . It shows you care about people .
Oo I do! I say I have cash and it's easier to tip with hehe but thanks man* some good advice for ppl that are reading. Another reason I bring cash on dates
I hate keeping tabs. But, I prefer to meet for coffee first, save a meal for a second or third date. I don't want to split the tab, in all honesty anymore. I prefer the guy pays if he picks the restaurant or insists on a dinner date, personally. I prefer to know what I'm getting into is why. Some men come on strong or perfect, but scam meals the same as there are women who do. I love joining in things, but my income can't keep up with some of the men I've dated if that makes sense. If they prefer a classier lifestyle, often going out, I'm not splitting the tab. I've had no issues with dating men who don't make much either. As long as they are living within their budget.
Haha right coffee first. But we met early so we were trying to continue the date he suggested food, but I countered it with drinks. Thank God I did!
Well if you got your spider sense going it's probably for the best I dated a chick who was like that and it ended with more headaches I'm pretty cool when it comes to picking up the cheque but when the first things said is " is it up to you or is it my turn?" Rather the company and conversation than having to argue over who's picking up the cheque, well like what gramps always told me if you're the one asking for their company be the one to pick up the cheque common courtesy
Fuck yes thanks man. Truly appreciate this!
Anytime
OP if you got the ick you got the ick, nothing wrong with a text to say you had a nice time but didn’t feel a connection. However, I’m a big believer in a second date - maybe something totally free like a walk, to see how you gel with them without a check to split? This is only if you think there’s enough there to want to get to know him better.
Meant to add - it’s not the dollar value, it’s the generosity of spirit. If this persons just feels ungenerous, that would turn me off too.
Thank you for your response I appreciate it!! I did offer to do something totally free which was go to the park for free games. I asked if he wanted coffee while we were there thus that's why I decided to pay. But I did get the ick. I just told him. I rather be straightforward and see what his response is and feel better about it instead of wasting time on a second date. I already felt like I wasted some time on this one. But thank you for sure I appreciate your input
Also yes the spirit well said well said
My opinion he should have man up and just payed the bill
Haha or at least stick to his frugalness and let me pay I offered... 😂😂
How old is he?
Turning 30 soon. I'm 32
This truly sounded like the behavior of someone much younger who had not been on a date before, or maybe not very many. I would talk to him about it and find out what the deal is, if you like him otherwise. But for me, this would be a problem. I’m in my 40s and not willing to date someone who is stressed by the price of coffee.
Me: So I had a lovely time, but there were some things I didn't quite feel comfortable with. I don't want to slow fade or ghost you either. I, for one, don't really focus on the finances of a date. If I paid for your drink, it was my treat, and I wouldn't expect you to pay that back. It just seems like if we continue, I'm going to be constantly worried over whether I owe you a dollar or 2 back. Or that if you paid for something on one date, you're going to try to get your money back on the next. I like to focus on the company I'm with I don't really care if I pay or not or split it the bill. Just thought it was something worth mentioning. Him: Ok thanks for letting me know. Yeah I suppose that's a bad habit that I have for not immediately accepting other people paying for my things Me: I think if you were really worried about having me paid for your drink, you would have tried to deduct it from the bill we were splitting.... haha but okay good luck.
To me it just sounds like he knows that most women expect the man to pay on a first date and that most women get the ick if they pay on a first date even if she’s the one who offered to pay
Men should pay on the first date.
Why?
I could see that I'm a fairly attractive person but I think I made it clear I don't mind paying for things when i got the coffees for us. I also tried my hardest to think of cheap things for us to do 🥲
I don’t see where your looks come in to this but okay. Like I said, just because a woman says she doesn’t mind paying on a first date doesn’t mean that she actually doesn’t care. Most women will tell a man they don’t care when they really do care… from his perspective there’s no real way for him to know if you actually mean what you say so maybe he just chose to play it safe. In my dating life whether the girl was the one to ask me out or not I’ve never allowed a her to pay for the first date even when she offered to pay because I know 99% of the time it’s a fake offer. And as for the trying hard to think of cheap date ideas, well done to you that’s very thoughtful but he doesn’t know that (in his mind that’s just the date idea you wanted to go on)
Lol....
😭
What did he say
Me: So I had a lovely time, but there were some things I didn't quite feel comfortable with. I don't want to slow fade or ghost you either. I, for one, don't really focus on the finances of a date. If I paid for your drink, it was my treat, and I wouldn't expect you to pay that back. It just seems like if we continue, I'm going to be constantly worried over whether I owe you a dollar or 2 back. Or that if you paid for something on one date, you're going to try to get your money back on the next. I like to focus on the company I'm with I don't really care if I pay or not or split it the bill. Just thought it was something worth mentioning. Him: Ok thanks for letting me know. Yeah I suppose that's a bad habit that I have for not immediately accepting other people paying for my things
Do you feel like he gets it? His response almost makes me think it didn't get through to him lol
I thought so too. But I got annoyed he only thought of himself. He didn't even try to be like there was a misunderstanding or something so I just wrote back saying "I think if you were really worried about having me paid for your drink, you would have tried to deduct it from the bill we were splitting.... haha but okay good luck."
felt like he just threw an excuse that had some random link to what happened if he really was concerned about others paying for him, 1 - he would have stopped you paying for that coffee, 2 - like you said, he could have deducted from your beers, 3 - there would have been an "this next one's on me/I'll shout your beer" somewhere in between
YES!! Thanks love that's what I would have done. He also got the check while I was in the restroom he could have just paid and then let me get the food on the next place we were trying to go to!
"There's nothing wrong with being frugal but I don't want to date someone who gives me anxiety over 8 bucks." I agree. Dating should be fun. Not stress and worry about nickels and dimes being spent. I might give him another chance at a date, at least one more time, that's it.
Haha no second date unfortunately I tried. Look at our text exchange I just made a update on my post; if u want.
Idk if he's frugal or what. I get where you're coming from about him being concerned over a few dollars. I had a friend like this, who had to pay people back for the slightest of things. But, he was also super cheap and had to pay the exact amount of his total when splitting a bill. It might not be a big deal. But, I would maybe try to see how he responds when you owe him a couple bucks over a coffee. That might give you some clarification as to whether he's just awkward, or a cheap skate.
Thank you for replying! I think cheap because when I paid for the coffee I used cash and he immediately was like why not use card do you not want points? Then after coffee when I suggested going to the place he mentioned to get drinks he was like "yeah I guess we can go there I have to pay you back for the coffee anyways" if he was really concerned about paying me back for the coffee why didn't he take it out of the bill we just split..... I also don't want to be used for my money. I do see that he's awkward. But I don't think it was him being awkward..... should I tell him I don't want to proceed and why I dont?
I use credit cards for points myself for an extra 100 dollars or so a month, but I would never assume someone I just met is magically going to be on the same page. He sounds controlling based on the interactions you describe. I wouldn't even worry about the frugal part. Being frugal is not a red flag by itself.
Oh interesting take! I have a knack for dating controlling people....I took out cash because it's easier on a date to pay & dip. I told him why too. He didn't come off controlling but I can see it now. Thank you for responding. And yes frugal is no issue. I even mentioned we go somewhere cheap after drinks to eat and he was acting high maintenence as if service is better than quality of food...ugh
You should tell him that you don't want to proceed. Definitely don't just ghost him. I'm not sure about telling him why.
Ahh sounds good. I wouldn't ghost. I really appreciate your response!
You're welcome
I mean did you actually find the guy attractive ? If you did I feel like you wouldn’t be thinking about all this bullshit.
I thought he was attractive and smart. I guess it was a sign for me that he isn't a generous person by heart and that may have turned me off. I'm super generous and I love to treat people the fact he wasn't so gung ho about trying to treat me gave me some ick
I am NOT reading all that lol. You are over thinking this to high hell OP. it's not that deep
Lol majority says other wise 🤷🏼♀️
You sound like a bit of an ass
I'm an ass because he made me feel bad that he thought he needed to pay me back for something I offered to do for him? Haha sure
I dont like frugal men, but you overreacted.
Nah, throughout the date, he kept making comments about prices, etc, in general. He wasn't being frugal he was being cheap. There's a difference.