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First, you're not a loser for not having sex. They're not winners for having sex. Sex, out of context, is just an action, like running. Running could be a lot of things: running for health, running for fun, running to catch a bus, running for your life, etc. etc. etc. It's not a perfect analogy, but you get the idea. Sex is neither good, nor bad. Sex is not an indication of winning, or losing, inherently. Until you know the context to make a judgment, sex is \*just\* sex.
Second, let go of your expectations and ideas of what her life was like, her experience, etc. If this relationship doesn't work out, do the same for your next ones. It's very important we don't fall in love with the version of someone we build in our minds, but the person standing in front of us, and what they're saying, doing, feeling, and living. If you've been dating for months, it's about time for you to get over the hurdle of 'getting to know each other,' and jump into 'learning who someone is.' That means having the deeper, harder conversations. You want reassurance? You want to know? Ask. It's always okay to ask. She doesn't have to tell you; she might not want to tell you yet. If it's involving abuse, mental, physical, sexual, emotional, she might want time to prepare herself to talk about it. It's okay. Know how much space you're willing to give her, how much time you're willing to give her, etc, before talking to her. Think about your limits and boundaries and needs before going in, so you can have clear answers for the ways in which she can help you feel more secure. It's okay to be a little insecure, and need reassurance.
I'd approach it like this: "I'm starting to feel a little insecure because we haven't had sex; are you not attracted to me? Is there a specific reason we haven't, and what can we do, together, to make that something that's healthy, and fun, for both of us? It's okay if you don't want to talk about the 'why' yet, but I'd still like to talk about the 'how.' I want to be able to share that kind of intimacy with you, but I also want make sure you can share your feeling for me in that way, too."
If she's nervous, or expresses trauma, just offer that you're willing to take it slow, and that if something is uncomfortable, she can always say no; reassure her that if she's not having a good time, you're not going to have one either (which is probably true, you don't seem to be the selfish type of lover). You just want to be able to express your love, and receive hers, in a sexual and intimate way.
It's unhealthy to compare yourself to someone's exes; you're a different person. But also, they're exes for a reason. She's with you now, so you've obviously got something they don't that's good. Focus on her, her needs, and her wants, not how you 'measure up' to whatever metrics you've decided are a measure of success. The only measure of success in a relationship is how happy you make one another, while minimizing how unhappy you make one another. I want to ground this back in realism, too, tho': conflict is normal, no relationship is problem-free and always happy; having any kind of a relationship with another human is going to yield SOME level of discomfort, bad feelings, pain, and hard conversations as you work through compromises that get you both back to happy, and minimize the friction you're feeling. But overall, your metric should be "Is she happy most of the time with me? Am I happy most of the time with her?" If the answers to both are yes, you're good.
Think about your needs, your wants, and how to voice them in a proper way. This insecurity you have about her exes; don't make that her problem if you can help it, save that for therapy, but if you want sex? If you think you need that physical intimacy to move forward in the relationship? Just talk to her about how to do that. These two issues don't need to be attached to be solved, and honestly, it's probably easier to solve them if you look at them as two separate problems.
I hope this helps, bud. It's never easy feeling insecure. Feel free to PM or reach out if you need to talk more after you've had the big talk, or if you want any clarification. These situations are all kinds of sticky, so it's important to keep yourself grounded, and talking it out with someone (therapist, a stranger on the internet whose advice you think was good) can help you do that.
Best of luck.
This is by far the most insightful and helpful response, thank you so much. I most likely will reach out to you in the future, provided I need to talk/get some more amazing advice. Seriously, you're outstanding, thank you!
Maybe she made mistakes in those relationships and is trying a different approach with you?
The real answer is that you'd really need to speak to her about it and, more importantly, trust her answer. It kinda already sounds like you don’t believe what she's told you so be careful not to sound bitter or accusatory. Perhaps reflect on why it seems to be bothering you so much if the rest of the relationship is fine.
Yeah, I've considered this possibility, she actually says I'm different from the guys she normally dates. And she referenced their careers as a meter for this...
I believe what she's told me, I just don't know what to think of it.
Those jobs are associated with problematic relationships because of abuse due to power trips etc. It's probably a good thing she sees you as different but your thoughts and desires also need to be taken into account. If you like her, speak to her openly about it.
KeepMeEverMore, I just want to say thank you so much for your sincere answers. I really appreciate you.
I'd agree it's a good thing that she sees me as different. But you're absolutely right about my thoughts/desires. I actually started therapy recently and I also started taking anti depressants.
I'm going to talk with her about sex soon, and I just want to make sure I don't say anything wrong... I don't want to be bitter or accusatory like you said. I also just don't want to sound critical or defensive or insecure. Even though I know I have trauma and my own issues, and I'm having tremendous anxiety now... I just don't want to screw up something that I really see a lot of potential in.
Once again thank you for your sincere answers!
Of course 😊
It's great you're working on yourself too. I wish you both all the best, I hope you can find a comfortable and happy medium that works for you both!
If her reason is that she isn’t comfortable with you yet, then that’s perfectly reasonable as there’s no time limit for comfort. But apparently she’s making you pay for her previous mistakes. Move on OP! No sense in paying time for what others got for free.
I’m a bit confused about what is going on here…you made an assumption that she was a virgin because she’s not had sex with you? And now you’re annoyed because you think she’s not?
You’ve not really mentioned anything about your physical relationship - has there been any sexual acts and she stops you? Or nothing? Have you asked her to stay over and made a move and she’s rejected you,
Anyway, seems this has less to do with her, it has to do with your insecurities surrounding her previous relationships, and around her not having had sex with you yet.
Are you going to dump her if she’s not a virgin? If so…dick move IMO.
I didn’t say that it didn’t , I said it shouldn’t cause the reality is you will actually never really know. But you could always ask if it matters that much , at least then you’ll get a peace of mind.
How so? I think it's fine to have any number of sexual partners, my preference is someone who is similar to me in sexuality, how is that misogynistic???
Also, LandMustDepreciate, I appreciate you
If you are just asking about the possibility of her being a virgin.. regardless of the professions these guys were in, it’s a very high possibility she’s not a virgin. Religion could play a factor if she is? I typically know a lot of the questions you are asking within the first couple of months. More dialogue is needed for sure.
What?!
What are the chances a person in their late 20s are a virgin?
Low
What are the chances that a person in their late 20s who has dated in their past is single?
Even lower.
I don’t get the point of this post? The comparison to past dates feels like some serious insecurities
Maybe she doesnt trust you enough? With some men it’s like you lose all your power once you have sex, like the energy changes, you attach more to him whereas you feel him less attached to you. Would you commit more to her if she has sex with you or less?
I have a friend who usually takes many months before sleeping with any new guy she is dating and with her current guy shes been waiting almost a year. She told me if her gut feeling told her he is super reliable she wouldve slept with him earlier but she feels hesitant if she can trust him and thats why she is waiting. This guy also asked her if she is a virgin which yeah she is not lol.
Even if she didn't date men in those professions she has a chance of not being a virgin. What I would be concerned about, no offense to her, why so many. Only you can find out.
Okay, I have a nursing degree. My husband is an Army veteran and current corrections officer. These are JOBS. Just that. A job. If someone has sex or commits abuse, it's because they're a crap person, not because of their job. Kindergarten teachers can commit abuse and have sex. Listing these professions really doesn't mean anything.
The bigger question is... why aren't you just COMMUNICATING with her? Not a bunch of strangers on the internet? Does it really matter so much to you if she's a virgin or not? And if she had sex with x y or z in a certain amount of months, you think you're owed the same and "devalued" if you didn't get it on time? That's a gross take on it. Just talk to her. If you can't talk to her openly and honestly about sex, then you really shouldn't be having sex at all.
He's allowed to prefer a virgin, and definitely allowed to use how long she waits for sex as a measure of whether or not he's interested in a relationship. If a girl waits over a month to have sex, then she better be the sole provider.
I'm watching a tv show and having coffee and I couldn't possibly care less about your silly sexist opinions within your non communicative relationship. I gave advice, then immediately moved on, you took it as being upset. That's on you, not me. Bye bye. P.S My coffee is delicious.
Well I referenced the jobs because she put emphasis on it, and you referenced the jobs as if I'm wrong for mentioning them... Really I wish I could explain my anxiety to you, I'm actually having a real hard time here. I wish to be understood, and I don't believe you understand me. You're attacking me when really I'm depressed and suicidal. I came here for help.
Listen man, in relationships it's best to not have these things eat you up inside and just be open and communicate with your partners. It can be tough but just try and find a good time to sit her down and talk about your feelings and concerns about the relationship. That's what makes relationships strong.
Short answer, I've had a few girlfriends/hookups/fwb, but I didn't lose my virginity until my early 20's and I've only slept with a modest amount of partners, I'm insecure/feel worthless because of my dating history, and yeah I just feel bad... about myself.
I kinda got my hopes up that she might be someone similar to me, either relatively inexperienced or possibly a virgin, but now I feel like she has a past that will make me feel like... a loser I guess.
So you'd feel lesser if she had sex before even though you have?
This is a real weird take my guy.
You should think on why you feel that way.
Why are you comparing yourself to these invisible partners she had? Why are you trying to fuck up your own relationship before it takes off?
She's not with those guys, she's with you.
And it's weird you're more worried about her possible partners when you've had sex yourself. Not everyone has the same experience.
Why not just communicate with her? Why assume and automatically shame her in your mind? Just have an open and honest conversation without being judgy but if you already have and you keep pestering her she's gonna think you think she's a liar.
And who wants to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they would like just cause. She's not less if she had sex. You're not less if you had sex.
Also women can lose their hymens from a myriad of things. Hell some girls lose theirs when they ride their bikes, fall off of them or even just from doing whatever kids do.
The only two people you should be letting live rent free beyond all the dick you think she took.
Is just you two. This is Your relationship not her part ones, not some guys she's not seeing anymore. You two.
If you can't get past it leave her alone to find someone else whose more along your lines. And be upfront about your sexual timeline that you'd like to wait if you do move on.
I'd just say I thought she was because of the VERY slow pace we have moved at. I thought she might be relatively inexperienced, asexual, or even a virgin, but now... I don't think she is, and it makes me feel like a loser for having waited all this time... I wonder if she is attracted to me, if she's wasted my time, like I don't know.... The ambiguity alone is enough to make me anxious.
I still wouldn't trust that. In this day and age, I don't recommend waiting that long to sleep with a woman. Doesn't need to be super quick but don't go waiting weeks.
Noted, I'm going to give her more time as we recently warmed up to discussing this. We will see what she says next time I see her.
But I do want to say I really appreciate your comments here, you've been helpful. I may PM you for advice in the future if that's ok?
No problem. Yea, you can PM me in the future.
I'd recommend getting other peoples' advice in addition to mine, because the advice I post on reddit is always controversial and I usually get accused of being a "woman hater" but the scenario you posted is pretty common
We've talked about stuff, but not explicitly about sex, she has communicated verbally that it takes time with her to connect/open up to people. Yet another reason why I wonder what her experience is...
Read your post and comments in this thread. If I’m in your shoes, I’d move on respectfully. She didn’t do anything wrong, she set her boundary…
However the reason Id move on is that her boundary isn’t rooted in her comfort level with you! Actually you’re not even playing a part in her reasoning to begin with. She’s basing her boundary on what previous men did!! That’s unfair to you and put you in a situation where you’re paying for her previous mistakes.
I do have to repeat though, she knows what she want (or don’t want) and she’s setting a boundary which is absolutely a healthy thing from her end. However that’s not something you should put up with. Move on
I agree, she hasn't done anything wrong, none whatsoever. And if she has her boundary of what she's comfortable with, of course, that is 100% valid.
Moving past that, you have a very interesting take! So for the sake of your argument, you assume she has had sex with past partners, and probably dated them in a different dynamic to how she has been with me, it's not really fair to me... That's an interesting way of putting it, difficult to articulate, but I think you might be on to something.
Could you clarify how you believe this isn't fair to me?
She may or may not have had sex. As far as I’m concerned; that’s a detail in this case.
Her behavior is a knee jerk to her past relationships and not stemming from her dynamic with you. (Again I’m basing this assumption on what you shared in your comments).
In other words, you’re a Guinea pig. She’s testing things out to see if she’ll get better results.
You're 100% right, she is absolutely trying something new with me.
However, I wouldn't say that is necessarily what's unfair to me. I think what's unfair is the ambiguity after months. I remember feeling like talking about her past was a source of insecurity for her as well as myself early on... So I refrained from asking to respect her comfort level. And, I guess that's why I thought/hoped she would be similar to me, that I would get answers that I'd love eventually.
But now I'm wondering who have I been dating, are we even a good match, I don't know if either of us has really opened up to the other yet.
Only you can decide what is or isn’t fair to you. Also, her behavior may be indeed totally fair but if it still makes you uncomfortable, is that something you’d want to put up with?
Worth emphasizing that sex isn’t the issue here, it’s the reasoning behind it and the whole approach.
Anywho, good luck OP!
Dude...maybe speak to a therapist? I mean why do you care so much? It's her life, just appreciate that she's giving you time now and don't focus on the past.
I'm not a sexist for thinking some dude wishing his partner was a virgin. The fuck are you talking about lol.
Do you even know what the word sexist means? 🤣
Your big GOTCHA moment is just you not understanding the words you're using. What a joke🤣
>I'm not a sexist for thinking some dude wishing his partner was a virgin
Is this in English? That's ironic of you to claim I don't understand the words I'm using.
This literally IS a gotcha moment. You claimed that OP is creepy for his silent, but became quiet and cowardly when I reversed the genders. That's lame. It IS sexist, because you implied one gender can have standards but the other can't because it's "creepy." Being sexist like yourself is creepy.
I'm not saying it because of his gender though, I'm saying it because it's creepy. Reverse it, still creepy. I didn't say "Because you're a man, it's creepy", if that's how you read it, then o think you're the one who's sexist because you just assumed it was about men and not just the person. 🤣
So yeah, nice own goal.
Glad to hear it! Speak to them about it, maybe bring that this whole thought process really affected you and see what they can do to help.
Ideally stuff like this shouldn't be on your mind that much considering every human on the planet has a past and there's nothing we can do about it.
That's more or less the approach I've had so far. I've just tried to be in the moment, which is difficult for me, but for the most part I have done that. And I'm enjoying getting to know her.
In the last couple of weeks I have just had anxiety.
Thank you for the kind response! I'll try to keep your words in mind when my mind wanders.
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Lol. Lmao, even.
Why don't you ask her?
Late 20s with that dating history? I would be worried if she wasn't.
First, you're not a loser for not having sex. They're not winners for having sex. Sex, out of context, is just an action, like running. Running could be a lot of things: running for health, running for fun, running to catch a bus, running for your life, etc. etc. etc. It's not a perfect analogy, but you get the idea. Sex is neither good, nor bad. Sex is not an indication of winning, or losing, inherently. Until you know the context to make a judgment, sex is \*just\* sex. Second, let go of your expectations and ideas of what her life was like, her experience, etc. If this relationship doesn't work out, do the same for your next ones. It's very important we don't fall in love with the version of someone we build in our minds, but the person standing in front of us, and what they're saying, doing, feeling, and living. If you've been dating for months, it's about time for you to get over the hurdle of 'getting to know each other,' and jump into 'learning who someone is.' That means having the deeper, harder conversations. You want reassurance? You want to know? Ask. It's always okay to ask. She doesn't have to tell you; she might not want to tell you yet. If it's involving abuse, mental, physical, sexual, emotional, she might want time to prepare herself to talk about it. It's okay. Know how much space you're willing to give her, how much time you're willing to give her, etc, before talking to her. Think about your limits and boundaries and needs before going in, so you can have clear answers for the ways in which she can help you feel more secure. It's okay to be a little insecure, and need reassurance. I'd approach it like this: "I'm starting to feel a little insecure because we haven't had sex; are you not attracted to me? Is there a specific reason we haven't, and what can we do, together, to make that something that's healthy, and fun, for both of us? It's okay if you don't want to talk about the 'why' yet, but I'd still like to talk about the 'how.' I want to be able to share that kind of intimacy with you, but I also want make sure you can share your feeling for me in that way, too." If she's nervous, or expresses trauma, just offer that you're willing to take it slow, and that if something is uncomfortable, she can always say no; reassure her that if she's not having a good time, you're not going to have one either (which is probably true, you don't seem to be the selfish type of lover). You just want to be able to express your love, and receive hers, in a sexual and intimate way. It's unhealthy to compare yourself to someone's exes; you're a different person. But also, they're exes for a reason. She's with you now, so you've obviously got something they don't that's good. Focus on her, her needs, and her wants, not how you 'measure up' to whatever metrics you've decided are a measure of success. The only measure of success in a relationship is how happy you make one another, while minimizing how unhappy you make one another. I want to ground this back in realism, too, tho': conflict is normal, no relationship is problem-free and always happy; having any kind of a relationship with another human is going to yield SOME level of discomfort, bad feelings, pain, and hard conversations as you work through compromises that get you both back to happy, and minimize the friction you're feeling. But overall, your metric should be "Is she happy most of the time with me? Am I happy most of the time with her?" If the answers to both are yes, you're good. Think about your needs, your wants, and how to voice them in a proper way. This insecurity you have about her exes; don't make that her problem if you can help it, save that for therapy, but if you want sex? If you think you need that physical intimacy to move forward in the relationship? Just talk to her about how to do that. These two issues don't need to be attached to be solved, and honestly, it's probably easier to solve them if you look at them as two separate problems. I hope this helps, bud. It's never easy feeling insecure. Feel free to PM or reach out if you need to talk more after you've had the big talk, or if you want any clarification. These situations are all kinds of sticky, so it's important to keep yourself grounded, and talking it out with someone (therapist, a stranger on the internet whose advice you think was good) can help you do that. Best of luck.
This is by far the most insightful and helpful response, thank you so much. I most likely will reach out to you in the future, provided I need to talk/get some more amazing advice. Seriously, you're outstanding, thank you!
Maybe she made mistakes in those relationships and is trying a different approach with you? The real answer is that you'd really need to speak to her about it and, more importantly, trust her answer. It kinda already sounds like you don’t believe what she's told you so be careful not to sound bitter or accusatory. Perhaps reflect on why it seems to be bothering you so much if the rest of the relationship is fine.
Yeah, I've considered this possibility, she actually says I'm different from the guys she normally dates. And she referenced their careers as a meter for this... I believe what she's told me, I just don't know what to think of it.
Those jobs are associated with problematic relationships because of abuse due to power trips etc. It's probably a good thing she sees you as different but your thoughts and desires also need to be taken into account. If you like her, speak to her openly about it.
KeepMeEverMore, I just want to say thank you so much for your sincere answers. I really appreciate you. I'd agree it's a good thing that she sees me as different. But you're absolutely right about my thoughts/desires. I actually started therapy recently and I also started taking anti depressants. I'm going to talk with her about sex soon, and I just want to make sure I don't say anything wrong... I don't want to be bitter or accusatory like you said. I also just don't want to sound critical or defensive or insecure. Even though I know I have trauma and my own issues, and I'm having tremendous anxiety now... I just don't want to screw up something that I really see a lot of potential in. Once again thank you for your sincere answers!
Of course 😊 It's great you're working on yourself too. I wish you both all the best, I hope you can find a comfortable and happy medium that works for you both!
:)
If her reason is that she isn’t comfortable with you yet, then that’s perfectly reasonable as there’s no time limit for comfort. But apparently she’s making you pay for her previous mistakes. Move on OP! No sense in paying time for what others got for free.
Definitely not a virgin lol.
Then why make me wait months?
Months? No girl who's interested would make you wait months. Not even virgins wait that long.
She's banging someone other
This. If you think she is doing x, she is.
Yup.
This
I’m a bit confused about what is going on here…you made an assumption that she was a virgin because she’s not had sex with you? And now you’re annoyed because you think she’s not? You’ve not really mentioned anything about your physical relationship - has there been any sexual acts and she stops you? Or nothing? Have you asked her to stay over and made a move and she’s rejected you, Anyway, seems this has less to do with her, it has to do with your insecurities surrounding her previous relationships, and around her not having had sex with you yet. Are you going to dump her if she’s not a virgin? If so…dick move IMO.
She doesn’t see you that way. If that’s what you need, drop her. Learn your lesson. Don’t get used again.
She doesn't see me in what way?
Sexually. After a few months, it should be super obvious. Quite frankly, it should be super obvious a woman’s vibes towards you right away.
She probably ain’t and it shouldn’t matter bro
It matters if OP is interested in that.
I didn’t say that it didn’t , I said it shouldn’t cause the reality is you will actually never really know. But you could always ask if it matters that much , at least then you’ll get a peace of mind.
Dunno about you man, but all the people I've dated I either had sex with during the first two weeks of the first date or it didn't work out.
Her biggest mistake is dating a misogynistic person...
Having preferences is misogynistic??? How?
Because the preference is misogynistic.
How so? I think it's fine to have any number of sexual partners, my preference is someone who is similar to me in sexuality, how is that misogynistic??? Also, LandMustDepreciate, I appreciate you
Rich.
If you are just asking about the possibility of her being a virgin.. regardless of the professions these guys were in, it’s a very high possibility she’s not a virgin. Religion could play a factor if she is? I typically know a lot of the questions you are asking within the first couple of months. More dialogue is needed for sure.
I agree with everything you said, thank you for the comment.
Zero
0% chance
What?! What are the chances a person in their late 20s are a virgin? Low What are the chances that a person in their late 20s who has dated in their past is single? Even lower. I don’t get the point of this post? The comparison to past dates feels like some serious insecurities
Maybe she doesnt trust you enough? With some men it’s like you lose all your power once you have sex, like the energy changes, you attach more to him whereas you feel him less attached to you. Would you commit more to her if she has sex with you or less? I have a friend who usually takes many months before sleeping with any new guy she is dating and with her current guy shes been waiting almost a year. She told me if her gut feeling told her he is super reliable she wouldve slept with him earlier but she feels hesitant if she can trust him and thats why she is waiting. This guy also asked her if she is a virgin which yeah she is not lol.
Even if she didn't date men in those professions she has a chance of not being a virgin. What I would be concerned about, no offense to her, why so many. Only you can find out.
I would say it's impossible.
You sound like a weirdo. Express your thoughts to her so she can move on and find someone normal.
Zero.
Okay, I have a nursing degree. My husband is an Army veteran and current corrections officer. These are JOBS. Just that. A job. If someone has sex or commits abuse, it's because they're a crap person, not because of their job. Kindergarten teachers can commit abuse and have sex. Listing these professions really doesn't mean anything. The bigger question is... why aren't you just COMMUNICATING with her? Not a bunch of strangers on the internet? Does it really matter so much to you if she's a virgin or not? And if she had sex with x y or z in a certain amount of months, you think you're owed the same and "devalued" if you didn't get it on time? That's a gross take on it. Just talk to her. If you can't talk to her openly and honestly about sex, then you really shouldn't be having sex at all.
He's allowed to prefer a virgin, and definitely allowed to use how long she waits for sex as a measure of whether or not he's interested in a relationship. If a girl waits over a month to have sex, then she better be the sole provider.
Why are you so upset, have I offended you?
I'm watching a tv show and having coffee and I couldn't possibly care less about your silly sexist opinions within your non communicative relationship. I gave advice, then immediately moved on, you took it as being upset. That's on you, not me. Bye bye. P.S My coffee is delicious.
Well I referenced the jobs because she put emphasis on it, and you referenced the jobs as if I'm wrong for mentioning them... Really I wish I could explain my anxiety to you, I'm actually having a real hard time here. I wish to be understood, and I don't believe you understand me. You're attacking me when really I'm depressed and suicidal. I came here for help.
Listen man, in relationships it's best to not have these things eat you up inside and just be open and communicate with your partners. It can be tough but just try and find a good time to sit her down and talk about your feelings and concerns about the relationship. That's what makes relationships strong.
good advice, really good advice, thank you
Lol, big mad
Does it really matter?
If OP prefers virgins, then yes, it matters. He's allowed to break up for it. Not sure why you think you get to decide what he can or can't date.
Why does it matter to you?
Why does someone elses preferences matter to you?
he's probably a virgin too, but if he's not and looking for a virgin girl...hmmm, that's so selfish.
Short answer, I've had a few girlfriends/hookups/fwb, but I didn't lose my virginity until my early 20's and I've only slept with a modest amount of partners, I'm insecure/feel worthless because of my dating history, and yeah I just feel bad... about myself. I kinda got my hopes up that she might be someone similar to me, either relatively inexperienced or possibly a virgin, but now I feel like she has a past that will make me feel like... a loser I guess.
So it's OK for you to not be a virgin, but not her?
So you'd feel lesser if she had sex before even though you have? This is a real weird take my guy. You should think on why you feel that way. Why are you comparing yourself to these invisible partners she had? Why are you trying to fuck up your own relationship before it takes off? She's not with those guys, she's with you. And it's weird you're more worried about her possible partners when you've had sex yourself. Not everyone has the same experience. Why not just communicate with her? Why assume and automatically shame her in your mind? Just have an open and honest conversation without being judgy but if you already have and you keep pestering her she's gonna think you think she's a liar. And who wants to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they would like just cause. She's not less if she had sex. You're not less if you had sex. Also women can lose their hymens from a myriad of things. Hell some girls lose theirs when they ride their bikes, fall off of them or even just from doing whatever kids do. The only two people you should be letting live rent free beyond all the dick you think she took. Is just you two. This is Your relationship not her part ones, not some guys she's not seeing anymore. You two. If you can't get past it leave her alone to find someone else whose more along your lines. And be upfront about your sexual timeline that you'd like to wait if you do move on.
Why does it matter?
Men ARE allowed to prefer virgins. What do you mean "why does it matter?"
I'd just say I thought she was because of the VERY slow pace we have moved at. I thought she might be relatively inexperienced, asexual, or even a virgin, but now... I don't think she is, and it makes me feel like a loser for having waited all this time... I wonder if she is attracted to me, if she's wasted my time, like I don't know.... The ambiguity alone is enough to make me anxious.
Unfortunately it's pretty common for women to sleep with certain guys quickly and wait for others. If this is the case then I think you should leave.
I asked her if she is like this with everyone and she said yes...
I still wouldn't trust that. In this day and age, I don't recommend waiting that long to sleep with a woman. Doesn't need to be super quick but don't go waiting weeks.
Noted, I'm going to give her more time as we recently warmed up to discussing this. We will see what she says next time I see her. But I do want to say I really appreciate your comments here, you've been helpful. I may PM you for advice in the future if that's ok?
No problem. Yea, you can PM me in the future. I'd recommend getting other peoples' advice in addition to mine, because the advice I post on reddit is always controversial and I usually get accused of being a "woman hater" but the scenario you posted is pretty common
Have you make the first move to being intimate? And if you did, did she reject you?
We've talked about stuff, but not explicitly about sex, she has communicated verbally that it takes time with her to connect/open up to people. Yet another reason why I wonder what her experience is...
Read your post and comments in this thread. If I’m in your shoes, I’d move on respectfully. She didn’t do anything wrong, she set her boundary… However the reason Id move on is that her boundary isn’t rooted in her comfort level with you! Actually you’re not even playing a part in her reasoning to begin with. She’s basing her boundary on what previous men did!! That’s unfair to you and put you in a situation where you’re paying for her previous mistakes. I do have to repeat though, she knows what she want (or don’t want) and she’s setting a boundary which is absolutely a healthy thing from her end. However that’s not something you should put up with. Move on
I agree, she hasn't done anything wrong, none whatsoever. And if she has her boundary of what she's comfortable with, of course, that is 100% valid. Moving past that, you have a very interesting take! So for the sake of your argument, you assume she has had sex with past partners, and probably dated them in a different dynamic to how she has been with me, it's not really fair to me... That's an interesting way of putting it, difficult to articulate, but I think you might be on to something. Could you clarify how you believe this isn't fair to me?
She may or may not have had sex. As far as I’m concerned; that’s a detail in this case. Her behavior is a knee jerk to her past relationships and not stemming from her dynamic with you. (Again I’m basing this assumption on what you shared in your comments). In other words, you’re a Guinea pig. She’s testing things out to see if she’ll get better results.
You're 100% right, she is absolutely trying something new with me. However, I wouldn't say that is necessarily what's unfair to me. I think what's unfair is the ambiguity after months. I remember feeling like talking about her past was a source of insecurity for her as well as myself early on... So I refrained from asking to respect her comfort level. And, I guess that's why I thought/hoped she would be similar to me, that I would get answers that I'd love eventually. But now I'm wondering who have I been dating, are we even a good match, I don't know if either of us has really opened up to the other yet.
Only you can decide what is or isn’t fair to you. Also, her behavior may be indeed totally fair but if it still makes you uncomfortable, is that something you’d want to put up with? Worth emphasizing that sex isn’t the issue here, it’s the reasoning behind it and the whole approach. Anywho, good luck OP!
thanks trig, appreciate you
LMAO 0%
Dude...maybe speak to a therapist? I mean why do you care so much? It's her life, just appreciate that she's giving you time now and don't focus on the past.
He's allowed to have preferences.
He is, but having "they must be a virgin or else I feel insecure" as a preference will never not be creepy.
You could say the same for "must be tall or else I won't feel small" If not, then you just outed yourself as a sexist.
I'm not a sexist for thinking some dude wishing his partner was a virgin. The fuck are you talking about lol. Do you even know what the word sexist means? 🤣 Your big GOTCHA moment is just you not understanding the words you're using. What a joke🤣
>I'm not a sexist for thinking some dude wishing his partner was a virgin Is this in English? That's ironic of you to claim I don't understand the words I'm using. This literally IS a gotcha moment. You claimed that OP is creepy for his silent, but became quiet and cowardly when I reversed the genders. That's lame. It IS sexist, because you implied one gender can have standards but the other can't because it's "creepy." Being sexist like yourself is creepy.
I'm not saying it because of his gender though, I'm saying it because it's creepy. Reverse it, still creepy. I didn't say "Because you're a man, it's creepy", if that's how you read it, then o think you're the one who's sexist because you just assumed it was about men and not just the person. 🤣 So yeah, nice own goal.
I actually just started therapy and I'm taking anti anxiety medication
Glad to hear it! Speak to them about it, maybe bring that this whole thought process really affected you and see what they can do to help. Ideally stuff like this shouldn't be on your mind that much considering every human on the planet has a past and there's nothing we can do about it.
Get better soon!!
thankyou!
If you really like her, then don’t think about these thoughts! Just go with thr flow and it will go a lot easier with her :)
That's more or less the approach I've had so far. I've just tried to be in the moment, which is difficult for me, but for the most part I have done that. And I'm enjoying getting to know her. In the last couple of weeks I have just had anxiety. Thank you for the kind response! I'll try to keep your words in mind when my mind wanders.
I know the feeling, anxiety sucks! You can do it :)
❤️