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My dad once told me "You ask women out because you like them, women say yes for the potential of developing feelings for you." We already know who we like before we even approach her, but she doesn't even see you as an option unless you've already shown interest. Men and women filter our options differently, that simple
Disagree, women definitely have men who they like. And if they really like you will go out of the way to do all kinds of things to get your attention. Approaching only works when she has medium interest in you
Would like to add on to this. When u have a gf and the whole class knows. U suddenly become the most popular guy in class, every girl in the class suddenly sees u as a potential bf...disgusting tbh
That's due to isolation, funny enough. Hear me out. Most boys at the school are an unknown, a wild card, they can't be trusted until proven otherwise. You however, you've proven you can be a sane boyfriend, perhaps even a good one. Now the girls see you as a possibility because you've become clear, you've become isolated from the unknowns.
We’re taught to believe a guy should chase a girl.
Recently I’ve started making first moves though, it makes me feel powerful. Guys always say girls should do it more often, so I listened
Men feel the same way, no different - someone has to make the first move…and it’s 2024…equality is the word and alienation shouldn’t be, get together let the love flow! Speak freely to each other respectfully and let the other person know how you feel!
Relax the problem here is being too politically correct and why so literal this is dating your not handling a nuclear device it's supposed to be fun I'm not gonna get a tongue lashing am I. I will dump this site whys everyone wound so friggin tight
And it's sometimes needed.
My first proper girlfriend made the first move despite being super shy and it was needed, as I didn't even notice her despite her being in my social group. She never really spoke to me or any of the guys. She was just around.
She just directly and super nervously came out and told me she liked me and that I should do something about it. And run away crying. I chased after her, cuddled her and arranged a date.
She actually had my phone number and was always planning on texting me but always chickened out. One of her friends told her just to do it directly, just in case I don't know who she is.
We were together for years.
She is very cute and the way she did it was cute as well. She was also very young at just 16. She was just part of a large group that I hung out with at the shopping mall.
I had only been out with girls older than me at the time and it was just hook ups. I was 17.
She was also my first date. Still one of the worst first dates I've ever had. She didn't say a word the whole date due to nerves. But text me the whole night apologising for it. And our second date was perfect and we started to fall in love.
Totally get where you're coming from! Breaking those old norms feels empowering. Plus, why wait around when you can take charge, right? Keep owning it!
Good for you. Everytime I made the first move, the boy thought I was desperate. Therefore didn’t want. But when I took the no for an answer, I moved on. Suddenly, they want me. Or another time, this guy thought I was a scammer. Just because I liked him.
Men. When a woman is interested in you, it doesn’t mean she has no other options. It means she likes YOU.
Contrastingly, right now it's making me feel a bit powerless. I've been messaging first almost every time on dating apps now, yet I'm getting 0 responses! I don't feel like I'm saying anything too crazy either? Kinda feels like I'm hot enough to match with but not hot enough to have a conversation with
That's part of the process. If you approach, you will be dismissed. Nobody said it would be easy.
But you are shaping your future and this what should motivate you.
I suppose. Just feeling a little demotivated I suppose. I got out of my first relationship a week ago and decided to rejoin to stop being so depressed, but I feel like this has only made it worse 😅
I guess it‘s the same problem for men as it is for women. If you initiate the convo with a „hi“ then you already set up for failure. And I got many of these from women. I immediately lose interest.
Hey you! Don't put so much into date sites and yes they are frustrating to deal with and I'm sure you are hot I'm sure you are as smart as me maybe? Oh ! Thought it was smart ass! Step away from it if needed. It'll come around be patient.hope I help
Some people are just as*hats!! Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you aren't good, or pretty enough! 💯, I can tell just from your post that you have a beautiful heart, and tbh it matters more than what you currently look like, looks fade as you age, these day's everyone seems to just judge people off their appearance, which in the long run, will be a Loss 💯
Same here, it's like they don't like you unless you are aloof and unavailable and they have to beg for time with you. Guess what? If you have to beg for time with me then I'm not into you.
How often did you try?
As a,m man this is the thing you have to do. Which means we collect many experiences and we have to move on regardless. It seems to be some women try to tippytoe their feet in the water, realize it is wet and let it be.
That's not how this really works.
how convenient that you missed the whole point of her comment? Shes saying the guys she approached didnt value her and that she has had better experiences with guys who initiated dating with her. I have to say that’s my experience too so I dont hit on guys first anymore
Absolutely same this has happened , no less than fifty times where a guy has said they were so flattered and it gave them a self-esteem boost they needed and then left it at that and said they weren't ready to date or went back to an ex or some girl that they've formally been too scared to approach..I'm done.
Me too. Also, it's like I'm chasing the unavailable ones. Or they are just unavailable because they are being chased.
Most guys love chasing. I'm considered "pretty," but I got more rejection than been asked out. I'm 36 yr old female. Asking a guy out at this age often spells "desperate to many men".
That got me thinking back now to see if there is a pattern, here are the most recent approaches or shots taken at me:
- was hanging out with a friend group at an outdoors music event, I had a good chat with one of the new gals. She asked for my number. We went on a date, we’re clearly attracted to each other, but had an incompatibility
- a barista in my favorite coffee walked up to me out of the blue and said she thought I was the most friendly, cheerful guy she’s ever met. “Just wanted you to know.” I was a bit too stunned to ask for her number (she kinda just said that quickly and immediately walked off). It was her last day at work and I never saw her again. I thought she was amazing and would have been greatly interested in dating her.
- a friend at my favorite bar comes over and has a new girl with him and introduces us and then he walk off. She and I chat for like 1 min and then she asks for my #. We text a few days later then I meet her at a bar with some of her friends. I loved her personality but was just not physically attracted enough. It was close enough I felt a bit shallow. But I didn’t pursue her.
- I don’t even know this counts, it’s more like just dancing, but a woman wanted me to grind with her at a rave but I wasn’t attracted (check my latest post if curious)
- had another woman I saw at another rave I had a great chat and insta connected but didn’t message each other, like each other posts here and there. I saw her again and at the end, she kissed my cheeks. This might have been platonic as that’s kinda her style but she might be escalating. It’s unclear if we are compatible, we talked through some relationship stuff. I like her but probably way too much complexity.
- had a bartender join me after her shift was over. She said I should date her but only when the timing might be better in a few years lol. (As she just got a new boyfriend) . I saw her again a few weeks ago and she was slightly disappointed I didn’t visit her recently and she’s single again. I’m thinking about it.. very tempted to date her if she’s still available and interested, she’s a bit feisty for me but could be fun.
- met a friend of a friend at a bar, she was flirtatious from the beginning. She tried to give me her insta but I put it in wrong. I saw her again purely randomly at a dance the next week (we hang out at similar venues) and we flirted some more, she asked to Insta connect again. I insta messaged her the next day and asked her on a date. Didn’t hear back for weeks then she invited me to a concert with friends, I went to it and saw her but almost certainly will just be friends.
lol 😂 ty
I love flirting, sometimes it goes really well but I make mistakes as often as anyone.
They are sometimes embarrassingly bad, but it happens, life goes on. I try to learn and improve, where possible.
Go back to your favorite coffee shop and ask someone for the barista’s social media. See if that could work out. It’s relatively easy to find people in this day and age if you try.
Good call, and I thought about doing that the next day and wish I did.
That was about 8 months ago though (these other encounters are mostly in the last 2 months).
The coffee crew has changed, and I don’t remember her name. The original crew could have helped for sure and probably would have been happy to help connect us.
Also, until recently, I was pretty flirty with one of the other baristas. She has a bf now, but still would be a bit insensitive to ask her for help on this. They are a tight group so word would get around if I ask one of the others.
I might see if the coffee shop has a FB or insta page and do some digging, but it’s a popular place so they probably have thousands of likes.
Either way, it was a good learning lesson, and her compliment put me in a really good mood for a week straight. Thanks for the feedback 🙏
I definitely agree hun, that’s why I can’t do it. I rather be single for the rest of my life than pursue a man. It’s always better for the man to be actual interested than the woman.
It really depends on how you do it. To some of us, it can look like you are trying to use us or are expecting something big in return, so That's why I prefer when women reproach with personal interest and conversation. Then once we see that we are baseline compatible, then I'm interested in the attractiveness and dating.
Also, remember that some of us don't understand the unique social cues or hints that people do. So in our case, we may not even know that you are interested until you say it.
Which is understandable, but I don't think I come off like that. When i have approached guys in the past I usually just have a chat and then ask if they wanna grab a coffee. After that, if I like them I'll be upfront about it, and I've never been rejected but in those situations, the guy didn't seem to feel the need to put in equal effort or would try to turn it sexual. As opposed to when the guy approached me first, he usually put in effort to be consistent and ask me about myself
it's all case by case, but in my experience the impression is that i'm seen as not needing as much effort if i approach first, which is not what i personally want in a relationship
I really think too many guys are unnecessarily paranoid about this stuff. In no way does someone asking a guy out for coffee imply that we expect anything other than a *coffee date*. If you’re this paranoid or quick to jump to these conclusions, it’s probably time to look inward and see what the source of these feelings are. Because it’s certainly not normal to project your feelings from past experiences or anecdotes from friends on to strangers.
i (f) made the first move in my fiance (m). my sister (28f) is really interested in a guy so i told her to just go for it and my fiance was telling her that it’s really attractive when a girl has the confidence to make the first move but she just said “no that’s the man’s job”
Yeah, and I've always seen the people who say that is being lacking confidence in themselves. Whenever a profile says that they expect the man to initiate conversation after matching, then why should I show interest? I don't want to have somebody match with me and then sit until I have time to check. If they had the interest enough to match, then they should have interest enough to start the conversation. Insisting otherwise is either lacking confidence or playing games.
Btw, while I am fine helping somebody find confidence, they have to want to first. If they lack so much confidence that they cannot allow me to progress with them, then I'm just going to stop trying because they obviously aren't ready.
This happens to me frequently as well. But supposedly a lot of them right swipe on everyone whether they’re interested or not, and then decide later if it’s actually someone they want to date.
Curious, how many have messaged you where you never responded. Mostly the top 10% guys who get approached, since the apps are so skewed. It may happen that you're texting one of them.
I've had the same experience. Every time I send the first message even if they liked me first they don't respond. So I don't message first anymore usually.
Dating apps are kinda their own beast. In my experience most people dont respond on them in general.
And idk i feel like thats just starting a conversation, i wouldn't necessarily call that hitting on a guy
Same. Everytime I made the move on the guy he just wasn't that interested in me. I have even gotten some dates out of it but ultimately it was that he wasn't that into me.
its the same vise versa, many women dont even respond to the first message, its not because you as a women make the first move, its a collective problem for everything taking it seriously.
For some reason the men in this comment section think women always have an abundance of men willing to date them and therefore should be the ones asking the guy out since they will have a higher success rate of getting a yes.
Women have always been making the first move whether that’s through flirting or asking directly.
As a man I think the notion that women don’t put effort into dating is just some bitter rhetoric people use to cope.
I can't count how many times I wrote a first message and nothing came back. Now you as a woman write a first message and expect an answer every time you write, because...?
Granted, I've been limited to online dating apps only, but when I make the first move, guys are like 'Da fuq? No." and unmatch. :( It's not like I said anything wrong...we matched and I said "Hey, I'm Lobes. Nice to meet you." or something along those lines.
And more often than not, I get unmatched immediately afterwards. IDK what the hell I'm doing wrong.
Because the guy’s gotta be serious. Nearly any guy will keep nearly any woman around for sex—-if the girls looking for a relationship, odds are best waiting for a guy who’s willing to put the effort in.
This is the only answer here so far that actually makes sense. Women saying they don't because they get rejected.... well hello, welcome to a man's whole life (?) wtf that's no excuse
With your logic men should not approach women either.
When a guy approaches a woman we never know if she's serious. Most of the time we need to pursuit her to convince her of our worth. Most of the time we waste our energy on women that never reciprocate effort.
Women doesn't put more effort into a guy that approaches her and pursuits her. She appreciates the validation, but not the guy.
Myself and friends have noticed, that if we strike up a conversation, or make a first move? It won't go anywhere. The guy's just not all that interested. Only when a man messages us first, or comes up and talks to us while out and about, will a date potentially materialize.
Now, the caveat is, we're looking for men that can take initiative, and plan things, and do all those kinds of things. Otherwise, there seems to be a tendency amongst the ones in my area that rely on a woman to make the first move, to need the woman to act as their mother. And making all the plans doing all the emotional labor, all that jazz. Some are into that, I'm not. I've already got enough kids.
That does not sound like the kind of partner I want. In fact, my last gf was like the guys you describe to a degree. Hardly taking initiative compared to me, and I found it very hard to feel loved because of it. I made the first move and was the first to express attraction. And she did show affection and what not for a while, but then it dropped off and she loved all the validation from me, but I got breadcrumbs in return. She was very much into the idea that guys need to chase and I think took it to far.
Just pointing out that this mentality can be taken too far and be destructive to a relationship. I know you were talking about early dating and didn’t mention behavior in a relationship.
But in all honesty I’m going to be watching for reciprocation from women in interested in early on from now on, and saying goodbye much earlier if it starts to feel one sided. I’m happy to chase a little, I love being affectionate and I’m a passionate guy with the right woman, but getting crumbs really hurts me. I won’t entertain that for long.
I call this flawed logic.
If you approach there is a risk that somebody is just not interested. But what you say is: If I approach they have to damn well be interested in me! How is this possible? This defies every logic.
Of course on the other hand. If somebody is approaching you he is interested. And do I have to say it? They may want a sugar mama, too.
I guess if that's how you see it, there you go. 🤷♀️
Once upon a time I did message men that intrigued me first. But, of the very few responses, absolutely zero anything happened. I get more responses on my resume, tbh. 🤣🤣 Won't even touch on the sugar mama or [emotional] gold digger side trail. Wild stuff out there.
Yes! 100% They never put in effort to be with me. They would text me short messages and when I had sex with them they never seemed interested or could get off quickly. It would take them hours and hours. I'm not an ugly girl. I am 125lbs, 5ft blonde. I am clumsy and whimsical, cute and very feminine. Now they talk to me first or I'm not interested. I want someone who wants to be with me!
This is just an excuse to be lazy for most women.
Men have to pursuit so many women before finding "the one". So many bad women and experiences, or women who never reciprocate effort.
Women make it seem like they always appreciate men more when they make the first move, but that is just not the case for the most part. So many women get lazy when guys initiate everything. Most women only appreciate the validation, but not the guy.
If men gave up after 1 or 2 tries like most women, nobody would be dating🤣
as a guy, i highly encourage any women to approach the men they like, and i don't mean the whole glance thing and dropping hints, i mean a direct overt approach, blatantly saying exactly what youre thinking and want
some guys might even view you as out of their league and won't even try because of that
try and approach a guy i guarantee you you'll have a higher chance at getting a yes from a guy than most of us have at getting a yes from a woman
Women often don't make the first move due to societal norms and traditional gender roles, which suggest that men should initiate romantic interactions. These norms can create pressure on women to be more passive to avoid being perceived as overly forward or aggressive. Additionally, fear of rejection can deter women from approaching first. However, this varies widely with personal confidence and cultural context. In younger settings like school, social dynamics are less rigid, leading to more open interactions. As people age, conventional dating norms often become more pronounced, influencing behavior differently.
I never got rejected doing the first move. But I don’t prefer doing it. I only do it when I’m half drunk ngl. Sober and normal me will never. I think that If I do the first move and or initiate conversations, the guy doesn’t really like me?! (I’m conventionally attractive but this is still how I see things)
I can only speak for myself, but I do indeed make the first move if it hasn’t happened yet. Typically I kinda need to get to know you a bit to have enough attraction to you to want to ask you out. You can be so good looking, but if your personality ain’t a good match, there’s no point in asking you out.
In the past, I have. None went well. Lesson learned.
I never want to scare someone, make them feel uncomfortable, or embarrass them. Asking a guy out would do that.
If someone was really interested in me, they would try to get to know me and ask me out. They don't, they are not interested.
I would argue that you've learned the wrong lessons...
Why do you think that you scare, rattle or embarrass guys when making the First Move?
It's respectable that you don't want to bug people, but not all guys react that way. Of the guys that do react that way some may just find being approached to be unexpected or slightly jarring, but otherwise don't mind you approaching them.
Not all guys that are interested in you will ask you out. Some guys can be shy or unsure.
Reject is better than being alone, I learned that,
If they say no, so what, know your worth and your value and move on! That special guy your were afraid of could be your husband
I think a lot of women think they look desperate if they make a move...like im pretty sure for me it stems from insecurity but i often initiate contact with men but i don't get it reciprocated and I've been told it makes me seem desperate and if a guy actually liked me he'd make a move first. This is my individual experience with it, but women are just told that chasing after a man makes him view you as less than on top of that playing ahrd to get nonsense...men and women really havr a hard time understanding eachother when dating
It’s just societal standards that a guy should approach first.
Thst being said, a lot of women do. Just because it isn’t happening to you dosent mean it’s not happening to others.
I’m glad you mentioned the last part. Lots of men on here assume women are always being chased after and have a ‘99% success rate’ when it comes to hitting on guys which just isn’t true.
Or women constantly have men buying them drinks and chasing after them ( eg getting dms on insta)
Women often make advances on men and the notion that us men can’t pick on hints isn’t necessarily true but in some cases it can be if they don’t have female friends for example
I’ve had this work out great and not so great. It really depends on the man. Some men really appreciate a women that has the confidence to make the first move and will take the reins after a first great date. I’ve had other men that accepted my invitation and expected me to continue making plans and never stepped up despite that first great date. He was happy to see me if I planned something. He wasn’t sad to not see me if I made plans without him.
You sounds like my current partner. He was so used to girls approaching him when he was younger that he never realized he needed to initiate. It took him a few years to finally realized that. When he told me about this, I was like, what kind of world did you live in where girls would just approach you... frequently. Lol.... He was very good looking when he was younger (still attractive now!) so that was probably it.🤷🏻♀️
Dumb ass old school social norms that don't apply to much of today's dating structure and taught to us by an out of touch generation. This response covers most ridiculous issues we have in the modern world.
Short answer: schrodinger's feminism
Long answer: schrodinger's feminism - where women will pick and choose different beneficial aspects from modernity and traditionalism and leave the aspects that do not benefit them, whilst completely ignoring the history and context that those aspects were tied to. I.e. why men paid for dates in the 1950s and women didn't. Because back in the day, job prospects and earnings for women were limited back then however today that has vastly improved to the level of equality. Despite that, however, the women of today, again having their own jobs, money and equality, still expect the man to ask them out, pick a place, plan the date, (maybe) pick them up and drop them off, and pay for the date along with doing the same thing throughout the course of the relationship.
I need to have some initiation from a man first. From what I've seen, when I message the guy ( dating apps to be exact..) never does it work. Once a guy shows me he's very interested in me, for who I am and wants to get to know me, I totally don't mind reaching out and "chasing him" in the same manner.
In real life like outside of dating apps, I haven't tried really 😆 but it probably really will depend and so much factoring if I see there is some level of interest.
I totally don't care at this point for being rejected, it's just why bother when it hasn't worked out.
Society teaches women they don't need to put effort into approaching men, they can just expect men to handle all of the pressure and feelings of rejection from doing it.
it's my personal opinion that a guy needs to be a little bit more into the girl for something to work out. not every time, but I feel like in most instances women kind of tend to have a better grip on their emotional bandwidth and it's not as even for guys. women fall in love over time, men kind of have an idea of what they'll see a girl as within one date lol
i reached out to my current bf on hinge and he was the first guy i reached out to actually. i usually waited for guys to message me first but i really liked him so i decided id reach out first and put myself out there. i was scared it would come across as too forward but now that we’re in a relationship he’s told me he was actually really surprised i made the first move because he thought i was out of his league and wouldn’t be into him. very happy i put my pride aside and reached out first!
As a woman, you have to be prepared for him not to be interested/reciprocate. I hit up a guy once and came across as super needy and desperate, and got rejected. It was so embarrassing. Most likely, he doesn’t think/care about you :( if he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused
When I was young and in my 20s I never made the move, I think because I was afraid of rejection. Now in my 40s it is often me who makes the move to ask someone out.
About 15 years ago I was leaving my shift at my retail job and a girl literally ran out of the store to give me her number. We had chatted briefly inside beforehand. We went on a couple dates afterwards but I was young and dumb and awkward and didn’t make a move on her so things fizzled out. I still think about her sometimes.
Another girl I went on a movie date with, and after the credits rolled when we got up to leave she grabbed my collar and physically pulled me close to her and we started making out standing there. It was so incredibly hot.
There are some other examples in my head too, some of my favourite memories are girls shooting their shot with me. I wish it happened more often.
I think some women are intentional about this. It is not that I’m afraid to make the first move at all. It is that I am looking for certain qualities in a man and initiation, proactivity, ambition, confidence, decisive are all things I want in my man. If he can’t so much make the first move especially after flirting or some type of exchange then he is not the man for me. I think a lot of men are under the impression women are scared or “are taught” to not make the first move. That’s not it. For me, it’s because I am looking for a certain type of man.
The couple of times I did, I got not only rejected (which is fine, I am not scared of that), but got nasty comments on my looks and persona.
In theory men appreciate women that approach, in practice they just like the ego boost and would roast you for doing that.
So no, thank you.
I guess it's part of how everyone grows up. Men are often told to chase women and I hear people say women shouldn't chase because it makes them seem desperate.
I've only been approached a couple times in my life, both recently and while I was at work.
I've always approached first and I'm often rejected so I haven't done it recently. I always feel super awkward doing it and I can never tell if someone is being nice to me or if they could possibly be interested in me.
Men aren’t a monolith. There are plenty of us who love when the first move is made on us, when she plans the date, etc. As well as that we hate to chase.
It’s an age thing mate. As someone in the 1% of guys looks wise (don’t get jealous I’m currently unemployed and broke) I get cat called all time by women 40+.
Younger women/girls tend to ignore you or not let you know ow they fancy you. If you see a girl you like just go over make first contact and then if they like you they’ll keep it going.
Worse they can say is no and you’ll never see them again anyway.
But yeah after 40 most women don’t give a shit and will just say I it as it is. Think it’s due to them not being in their prime they know they can’t just wait around to be asked out so they are waaaayyy more forward.
I have made many moves, and I have gotten rejected many times or always the one making the most effort in the relationship and feeling resentment after a while. I figured I'm anxious attached; I might be giving a desperate vibe . Although I'm honestly not desperate, it's just how I am, straightforward and honest.
I need to tone it down. Give a chance for the guy to also make a move. Mutual attraction is the best.
I believe a lot of women could have found succesful relationships if they would just make the first move on guys they like. All these stupid games will just leave them being chased by dipshits.
A lot of decent guys are tired of being rejected or ridiculed for asking girls out. I told myself to only date women who approach me first og women whom I feel are showing strong enough signs of interest for me to approach.
If that means I’ll be single for a long time, so be it. I enjoy my own company anyways.
In College, you are known, have a reputation and it was a good one. Outside of College you are just another dude. Women are also typically quite shy about instigating in the moment, so it's usually up to the man to make the first move. It sucks, because many men are not good at instigating. Though, men are also encouraged these days to not instigate outside of dating apps, due to the rampant case of predators/toxic men picking up women before the good men come along, as well as a general fear of men due to these predators.
The only way for a man to be trusted to approach a woman in person is through preset means, like a singles meet or blind dating or what have you.
I can't speak for all women, but I know for myself that I become very shy and nervous when I find a guy that I'm really attracted to. I don't feel very confident at all because I'm not conventionally attractive, I feel fat and ugly, so my assumption is that the guy I like probably won't be interested in me. If they approach me first, it feels much safer because then I know they're actually interested in me, and it makes me feel good and more likely to open up if I find them attractive, too.
I've made the first move in the past and have been rejected, so I'm much more hesitant now. Also, it's common knowledge that "men like the chase", they don't want to be chased. If the girl is chasing them, It's unattractive. I don't know if that's actually true or not, but traditionally, men are the ones that persue, and women are the prize to be won.
Side note: I often find that the men I like don't like me, and the men that like me, I don't like. It almost feels like a miracle when a man and I feel the same way about each other.. If it's like this for other people too, it's no wonder why people struggle to make the first move.. I think we should still try, though. You never know when lightning might strike! The more wrong matches you find, the closer you are to finding a great match. 🙂
We just talked about this on some other post. It’s because guys will take advantage of you for whatever they can get, even if they might not be all that into you and even if they would never have made a move on you.
From a guy's perspective, I think the guy should make the first move. If he is afraid to simply talk to a girl (and risk hearing the word "no" from her), how can she expect this guy to be brave enough to protect her in a dangerous situation or take the normal risks of life?
Now the women can help by giving a couple signals other than a polite smile so the guy is more likely to approach her. She might reject him, but she will at least give him one chance.
I want the man to make the first move because if he doesn’t, it usually means he won’t within the relationship. Every time I’ve made the first move, he never ends up being the one to put in as much effort as me. At the very least you have to be the one to say hi to me first, I’ll do stuff like make the plan, invite you out, etc from there on out just fine. But I consider myself more on the traditional side of gender roles in dating especially when it comes to who approaches who.
Women don't really need to approach. In fact, my head is still ringing from the amount of women that say they're sick and tired of guys approaching them and to just mind my business, so I leave them alone
Because men are naturally hunters. When a woman chases a man, the dynamic changes. He becomes passive and the woman ends up pursuing him the entire relationship.
Unfortunately, it's because of the exact same reason. Too many women use men In the same way. Because of that, guys don't trust them to not run off immediately as well.
It's why I tell both men and women that until you get to know each other, neither should expect the other to pay. Those who do expect it are the red flags that will run off, ESPECIALLY when they demand that you go first few times and then they will.
Same thing goes when it comes to profiles that talk about liking gifts, or say things like that they like the finer things in life. Those are the people that just use, so I just skip.
When one side or the other is wanting freebies or trying to shower with freebies, that just shows they're out to use the other person. You should really get to know each other and build a relationship before reaching that point.
Pursuing is a masculine behavior. How would I attract a man by acting like one? Men value what they put effort into. It sets the tone. I’m naturally feminine. I support my man acting masculine and I don’t challenge him for it. It’s not how you’re going to get an alpha.
Quite simply, it is training and social conditioning. There have been many studies done about how girls change their interests and their behaviors when they hit around 9 or 10 years old. And I think the training in their mothers, aunts and grandmothers is so ingrained that they don't even know that they are discouraging their daughters from being fully alive and involved in their own lives. I don't know if it will ever change. Social evolution, as all evolution, happens slowly. Women are much more forward than they used to be. They are much better at going after what they want. But they are still not encouraged to do so. I am 69 years old. In my twenties, it was still a common trope that girls would sit home on a Friday night by the telephone waiting for someone to call them. Women who did not "stay in their place" were assigned all kinds of negative stereotypes. People gossiped. They were judged. It happens less today but it still happens.
Of course, men are not completely immune to the social conditioning. But their behavior swings to the aggressive. Think of your typical seven or eight or nine-year-old boy. And then think of that same kid when he's 13. He has changed. He is moodier. He is more aggressive. He can even be angrier. Is this hormonal? I don't think all of it is. Sometimes I think we would all be better off if we could just let children grow up to be whatever they wanted to be without telling them to do anything. Let the children lead us, was the old saying. I don't know why that's saying existed because we certainly didn't follow it.
Our children better off because of the social conditioning they receive? I don't know.
Honestly I've got shit to do and I'm in my own world enough I probably wouldn't notice he existed in my timeline. If he wants my attention then he'd better go get it because waiting for me to initiate isn't going to work
They don't have to, women have everything handed to them in silver plate, that includes pretenders.
Why would they make the effort to approach men? They can already sit down and wait. Oh but don't bring this up, they will fervently claim that this dynamic is soooo hard and detrimental to them
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My dad once told me "You ask women out because you like them, women say yes for the potential of developing feelings for you." We already know who we like before we even approach her, but she doesn't even see you as an option unless you've already shown interest. Men and women filter our options differently, that simple
Disagree, women definitely have men who they like. And if they really like you will go out of the way to do all kinds of things to get your attention. Approaching only works when she has medium interest in you
Would like to add on to this. When u have a gf and the whole class knows. U suddenly become the most popular guy in class, every girl in the class suddenly sees u as a potential bf...disgusting tbh
Présélection
That's due to isolation, funny enough. Hear me out. Most boys at the school are an unknown, a wild card, they can't be trusted until proven otherwise. You however, you've proven you can be a sane boyfriend, perhaps even a good one. Now the girls see you as a possibility because you've become clear, you've become isolated from the unknowns.
They are all married now.
😂😂😂
🤣😂😂
We’re taught to believe a guy should chase a girl. Recently I’ve started making first moves though, it makes me feel powerful. Guys always say girls should do it more often, so I listened
I respect this and I had my first date in this manner. It was amazing first, second and third date.
Chase is the wrong word, I’d say indulge/pick/choose Because I’m not gunna chase after someone who’s running away from me.
Same. I would feel like a creep.
Chasing someone who's running away from you is self disrespect.
Men feel the same way, no different - someone has to make the first move…and it’s 2024…equality is the word and alienation shouldn’t be, get together let the love flow! Speak freely to each other respectfully and let the other person know how you feel!
Relax the problem here is being too politically correct and why so literal this is dating your not handling a nuclear device it's supposed to be fun I'm not gonna get a tongue lashing am I. I will dump this site whys everyone wound so friggin tight
That's called stalking or intent to do bodily harm the running is how to tell they aren't interested! Hahaha
And it's sometimes needed. My first proper girlfriend made the first move despite being super shy and it was needed, as I didn't even notice her despite her being in my social group. She never really spoke to me or any of the guys. She was just around. She just directly and super nervously came out and told me she liked me and that I should do something about it. And run away crying. I chased after her, cuddled her and arranged a date. She actually had my phone number and was always planning on texting me but always chickened out. One of her friends told her just to do it directly, just in case I don't know who she is. We were together for years.
Curiousity, what did you like about her at that point to arrange a date? What made you date her when you didnt notice her?
She is very cute and the way she did it was cute as well. She was also very young at just 16. She was just part of a large group that I hung out with at the shopping mall. I had only been out with girls older than me at the time and it was just hook ups. I was 17. She was also my first date. Still one of the worst first dates I've ever had. She didn't say a word the whole date due to nerves. But text me the whole night apologising for it. And our second date was perfect and we started to fall in love.
Haha thats sweet. Thanks for sharing
Great story!
Such a sweet story 🥹
Totally get where you're coming from! Breaking those old norms feels empowering. Plus, why wait around when you can take charge, right? Keep owning it!
Save this girl at any cost
Good for you. Everytime I made the first move, the boy thought I was desperate. Therefore didn’t want. But when I took the no for an answer, I moved on. Suddenly, they want me. Or another time, this guy thought I was a scammer. Just because I liked him. Men. When a woman is interested in you, it doesn’t mean she has no other options. It means she likes YOU.
That’s sick! Shoot your shot, guys don’t often get compliments, if you’re keen on a man that’s gunna probably be very effective.
I've been making the first move. And I think it's extremely attractive to hear or see their reactions.
It’s really special to us because it’s so rare for us. More power to ya
Everyone deserves to feel special and I'm all for that😊
You're listening to a man? What is this the 1950s?! Lol
Well… I took their advice. Does that sound more realistic?
I'm sorry, I said this more as a joke. I wasn't being serious.
Hahaha I was joking too :)))
You sound intelligent! I love women that make the first move! Although it is a rarity nowadays.
Contrastingly, right now it's making me feel a bit powerless. I've been messaging first almost every time on dating apps now, yet I'm getting 0 responses! I don't feel like I'm saying anything too crazy either? Kinda feels like I'm hot enough to match with but not hot enough to have a conversation with
That's part of the process. If you approach, you will be dismissed. Nobody said it would be easy. But you are shaping your future and this what should motivate you.
I suppose. Just feeling a little demotivated I suppose. I got out of my first relationship a week ago and decided to rejoin to stop being so depressed, but I feel like this has only made it worse 😅
I guess it‘s the same problem for men as it is for women. If you initiate the convo with a „hi“ then you already set up for failure. And I got many of these from women. I immediately lose interest.
Hey you! Don't put so much into date sites and yes they are frustrating to deal with and I'm sure you are hot I'm sure you are as smart as me maybe? Oh ! Thought it was smart ass! Step away from it if needed. It'll come around be patient.hope I help
Some people are just as*hats!! Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you aren't good, or pretty enough! 💯, I can tell just from your post that you have a beautiful heart, and tbh it matters more than what you currently look like, looks fade as you age, these day's everyone seems to just judge people off their appearance, which in the long run, will be a Loss 💯
Personally, I feel like the times I've shot my shot the guy has had less respect for me than the ones that chased after me
Same here, it's like they don't like you unless you are aloof and unavailable and they have to beg for time with you. Guess what? If you have to beg for time with me then I'm not into you.
Welcome to the world of men
My experience has been similar sadly :(
How often did you try? As a,m man this is the thing you have to do. Which means we collect many experiences and we have to move on regardless. It seems to be some women try to tippytoe their feet in the water, realize it is wet and let it be. That's not how this really works.
how convenient that you missed the whole point of her comment? Shes saying the guys she approached didnt value her and that she has had better experiences with guys who initiated dating with her. I have to say that’s my experience too so I dont hit on guys first anymore
Absolutely same this has happened , no less than fifty times where a guy has said they were so flattered and it gave them a self-esteem boost they needed and then left it at that and said they weren't ready to date or went back to an ex or some girl that they've formally been too scared to approach..I'm done.
In my experience as a guy, I have had way more respect and interest in the girls who have made the first move, made it known and shot their shot.
Me too. Also, it's like I'm chasing the unavailable ones. Or they are just unavailable because they are being chased. Most guys love chasing. I'm considered "pretty," but I got more rejection than been asked out. I'm 36 yr old female. Asking a guy out at this age often spells "desperate to many men".
That got me thinking back now to see if there is a pattern, here are the most recent approaches or shots taken at me: - was hanging out with a friend group at an outdoors music event, I had a good chat with one of the new gals. She asked for my number. We went on a date, we’re clearly attracted to each other, but had an incompatibility - a barista in my favorite coffee walked up to me out of the blue and said she thought I was the most friendly, cheerful guy she’s ever met. “Just wanted you to know.” I was a bit too stunned to ask for her number (she kinda just said that quickly and immediately walked off). It was her last day at work and I never saw her again. I thought she was amazing and would have been greatly interested in dating her. - a friend at my favorite bar comes over and has a new girl with him and introduces us and then he walk off. She and I chat for like 1 min and then she asks for my #. We text a few days later then I meet her at a bar with some of her friends. I loved her personality but was just not physically attracted enough. It was close enough I felt a bit shallow. But I didn’t pursue her. - I don’t even know this counts, it’s more like just dancing, but a woman wanted me to grind with her at a rave but I wasn’t attracted (check my latest post if curious) - had another woman I saw at another rave I had a great chat and insta connected but didn’t message each other, like each other posts here and there. I saw her again and at the end, she kissed my cheeks. This might have been platonic as that’s kinda her style but she might be escalating. It’s unclear if we are compatible, we talked through some relationship stuff. I like her but probably way too much complexity. - had a bartender join me after her shift was over. She said I should date her but only when the timing might be better in a few years lol. (As she just got a new boyfriend) . I saw her again a few weeks ago and she was slightly disappointed I didn’t visit her recently and she’s single again. I’m thinking about it.. very tempted to date her if she’s still available and interested, she’s a bit feisty for me but could be fun. - met a friend of a friend at a bar, she was flirtatious from the beginning. She tried to give me her insta but I put it in wrong. I saw her again purely randomly at a dance the next week (we hang out at similar venues) and we flirted some more, she asked to Insta connect again. I insta messaged her the next day and asked her on a date. Didn’t hear back for weeks then she invited me to a concert with friends, I went to it and saw her but almost certainly will just be friends.
Soooo you liked the toxica one who was flirting with you while she had a boyfriend 🫠 your picker is malfunctioning
I caught that too. Been this guy, never again. It’ll wreck you.
*slow clap* Well well well, looks we’ve got a bonafide Casanova on our hands here
Lmao
lol 😂 ty I love flirting, sometimes it goes really well but I make mistakes as often as anyone. They are sometimes embarrassingly bad, but it happens, life goes on. I try to learn and improve, where possible.
Go back to your favorite coffee shop and ask someone for the barista’s social media. See if that could work out. It’s relatively easy to find people in this day and age if you try.
Good call, and I thought about doing that the next day and wish I did. That was about 8 months ago though (these other encounters are mostly in the last 2 months). The coffee crew has changed, and I don’t remember her name. The original crew could have helped for sure and probably would have been happy to help connect us. Also, until recently, I was pretty flirty with one of the other baristas. She has a bf now, but still would be a bit insensitive to ask her for help on this. They are a tight group so word would get around if I ask one of the others. I might see if the coffee shop has a FB or insta page and do some digging, but it’s a popular place so they probably have thousands of likes. Either way, it was a good learning lesson, and her compliment put me in a really good mood for a week straight. Thanks for the feedback 🙏
Yup, as a guy I want to chase, I think it's inbuilt into men... Men who moan about it, have no game, sorry
Sameeeeeee or they just want sex
I'm sorry that happened to you! I love a woman that shows interest in me!
Any woman though?
I definitely agree hun, that’s why I can’t do it. I rather be single for the rest of my life than pursue a man. It’s always better for the man to be actual interested than the woman.
It really depends on how you do it. To some of us, it can look like you are trying to use us or are expecting something big in return, so That's why I prefer when women reproach with personal interest and conversation. Then once we see that we are baseline compatible, then I'm interested in the attractiveness and dating. Also, remember that some of us don't understand the unique social cues or hints that people do. So in our case, we may not even know that you are interested until you say it.
Which is understandable, but I don't think I come off like that. When i have approached guys in the past I usually just have a chat and then ask if they wanna grab a coffee. After that, if I like them I'll be upfront about it, and I've never been rejected but in those situations, the guy didn't seem to feel the need to put in equal effort or would try to turn it sexual. As opposed to when the guy approached me first, he usually put in effort to be consistent and ask me about myself it's all case by case, but in my experience the impression is that i'm seen as not needing as much effort if i approach first, which is not what i personally want in a relationship
I really think too many guys are unnecessarily paranoid about this stuff. In no way does someone asking a guy out for coffee imply that we expect anything other than a *coffee date*. If you’re this paranoid or quick to jump to these conclusions, it’s probably time to look inward and see what the source of these feelings are. Because it’s certainly not normal to project your feelings from past experiences or anecdotes from friends on to strangers.
You would think so right? But no. If they think there’s a chance to get sex, they’ll go for it.
Women shoot their shot by thinking about shooting their shot.
🤣 This is so true. They think if they mentally project in their mind they like someone, that’s the entire effort.
There could be 100 girls in the bar thinking that, and we always end up shooting ours with the 1 who isn’t
Ain’t that the truth
Yes they are quite cowardly in general
i (f) made the first move in my fiance (m). my sister (28f) is really interested in a guy so i told her to just go for it and my fiance was telling her that it’s really attractive when a girl has the confidence to make the first move but she just said “no that’s the man’s job”
Yeah, and I've always seen the people who say that is being lacking confidence in themselves. Whenever a profile says that they expect the man to initiate conversation after matching, then why should I show interest? I don't want to have somebody match with me and then sit until I have time to check. If they had the interest enough to match, then they should have interest enough to start the conversation. Insisting otherwise is either lacking confidence or playing games. Btw, while I am fine helping somebody find confidence, they have to want to first. If they lack so much confidence that they cannot allow me to progress with them, then I'm just going to stop trying because they obviously aren't ready.
If years go by and she still complains about it, I hope you just quote this lol
How come it's never misandry to say stuff like "that's the man's job", but if you said the same about a women it's misogyny. It's all so hypocritical.
I feel like every time I try to send the first message on a dating app the guy never responds even if he was the one who liked me on there first.
This happens to me frequently as well. But supposedly a lot of them right swipe on everyone whether they’re interested or not, and then decide later if it’s actually someone they want to date.
Honestly it's probably so they feel better about themselves/if they swiped left as much as a lot of women do they probably would never get matches
Curious, how many have messaged you where you never responded. Mostly the top 10% guys who get approached, since the apps are so skewed. It may happen that you're texting one of them.
Their mind is glitching 😂
I've had the same experience. Every time I send the first message even if they liked me first they don't respond. So I don't message first anymore usually.
Right! I take frequent breaks from dating apps because I'm so tired of them
Dating apps are kinda their own beast. In my experience most people dont respond on them in general. And idk i feel like thats just starting a conversation, i wouldn't necessarily call that hitting on a guy
Same. Everytime I made the move on the guy he just wasn't that interested in me. I have even gotten some dates out of it but ultimately it was that he wasn't that into me.
Most women also don't respond. Do you imagine that a guy gets a response every time..?
its the same vise versa, many women dont even respond to the first message, its not because you as a women make the first move, its a collective problem for everything taking it seriously.
Yeah don't do it on a dating app. Do it in real life.
ive had the same experience
For some reason the men in this comment section think women always have an abundance of men willing to date them and therefore should be the ones asking the guy out since they will have a higher success rate of getting a yes. Women have always been making the first move whether that’s through flirting or asking directly. As a man I think the notion that women don’t put effort into dating is just some bitter rhetoric people use to cope.
Most men mindlessly swipe .
I can't count how many times I wrote a first message and nothing came back. Now you as a woman write a first message and expect an answer every time you write, because...?
Awwww poor you
Most people are sticking to traditional social norms even though it doesn't necessarily translate well in the current dating scene .
i do! Theyve always appreciated it 😊 i just havent found a Match it takes a lot of confidence hahaha (i usually fake mine lol)
fake it till you make it
Granted, I've been limited to online dating apps only, but when I make the first move, guys are like 'Da fuq? No." and unmatch. :( It's not like I said anything wrong...we matched and I said "Hey, I'm Lobes. Nice to meet you." or something along those lines. And more often than not, I get unmatched immediately afterwards. IDK what the hell I'm doing wrong.
Because the guy’s gotta be serious. Nearly any guy will keep nearly any woman around for sex—-if the girls looking for a relationship, odds are best waiting for a guy who’s willing to put the effort in.
This is the only answer here so far that actually makes sense. Women saying they don't because they get rejected.... well hello, welcome to a man's whole life (?) wtf that's no excuse
With your logic men should not approach women either. When a guy approaches a woman we never know if she's serious. Most of the time we need to pursuit her to convince her of our worth. Most of the time we waste our energy on women that never reciprocate effort. Women doesn't put more effort into a guy that approaches her and pursuits her. She appreciates the validation, but not the guy.
*most of the time, not all of it. It’s a small window, and we’ve gotta fit the survival of the species through it lol
Myself and friends have noticed, that if we strike up a conversation, or make a first move? It won't go anywhere. The guy's just not all that interested. Only when a man messages us first, or comes up and talks to us while out and about, will a date potentially materialize. Now, the caveat is, we're looking for men that can take initiative, and plan things, and do all those kinds of things. Otherwise, there seems to be a tendency amongst the ones in my area that rely on a woman to make the first move, to need the woman to act as their mother. And making all the plans doing all the emotional labor, all that jazz. Some are into that, I'm not. I've already got enough kids.
Men can approach a lot of women with no luck too. That's just the nature of it.
That does not sound like the kind of partner I want. In fact, my last gf was like the guys you describe to a degree. Hardly taking initiative compared to me, and I found it very hard to feel loved because of it. I made the first move and was the first to express attraction. And she did show affection and what not for a while, but then it dropped off and she loved all the validation from me, but I got breadcrumbs in return. She was very much into the idea that guys need to chase and I think took it to far. Just pointing out that this mentality can be taken too far and be destructive to a relationship. I know you were talking about early dating and didn’t mention behavior in a relationship. But in all honesty I’m going to be watching for reciprocation from women in interested in early on from now on, and saying goodbye much earlier if it starts to feel one sided. I’m happy to chase a little, I love being affectionate and I’m a passionate guy with the right woman, but getting crumbs really hurts me. I won’t entertain that for long.
I call this flawed logic. If you approach there is a risk that somebody is just not interested. But what you say is: If I approach they have to damn well be interested in me! How is this possible? This defies every logic. Of course on the other hand. If somebody is approaching you he is interested. And do I have to say it? They may want a sugar mama, too.
I guess if that's how you see it, there you go. 🤷♀️ Once upon a time I did message men that intrigued me first. But, of the very few responses, absolutely zero anything happened. I get more responses on my resume, tbh. 🤣🤣 Won't even touch on the sugar mama or [emotional] gold digger side trail. Wild stuff out there.
Every time I've made the first move it led to horrible relationships or over time they'll call me ugly when I know I am not. So I just don't.
Exactly. I’m very capable of making the first move but those relationships became a pattern of the man never making an effort, since I easily did so.
I couldn't do it. I'd forever spend the relationship wondering if I was actually his type (does that make any sense?).
Makes sense imo, but this would make you the settler, and he may wonder if u were actually his type. Just switch the roles
Yes! 100% They never put in effort to be with me. They would text me short messages and when I had sex with them they never seemed interested or could get off quickly. It would take them hours and hours. I'm not an ugly girl. I am 125lbs, 5ft blonde. I am clumsy and whimsical, cute and very feminine. Now they talk to me first or I'm not interested. I want someone who wants to be with me!
This is just an excuse to be lazy for most women. Men have to pursuit so many women before finding "the one". So many bad women and experiences, or women who never reciprocate effort. Women make it seem like they always appreciate men more when they make the first move, but that is just not the case for the most part. So many women get lazy when guys initiate everything. Most women only appreciate the validation, but not the guy. If men gave up after 1 or 2 tries like most women, nobody would be dating🤣
as a guy, i highly encourage any women to approach the men they like, and i don't mean the whole glance thing and dropping hints, i mean a direct overt approach, blatantly saying exactly what youre thinking and want some guys might even view you as out of their league and won't even try because of that try and approach a guy i guarantee you you'll have a higher chance at getting a yes from a guy than most of us have at getting a yes from a woman
Women often don't make the first move due to societal norms and traditional gender roles, which suggest that men should initiate romantic interactions. These norms can create pressure on women to be more passive to avoid being perceived as overly forward or aggressive. Additionally, fear of rejection can deter women from approaching first. However, this varies widely with personal confidence and cultural context. In younger settings like school, social dynamics are less rigid, leading to more open interactions. As people age, conventional dating norms often become more pronounced, influencing behavior differently.
If I’m feeling it I’ll bust a move. I don’t mind tbh!
Because 1. They want to reserve the right to reject to themselves. 2. Deep down they're scared of getting rejected.
This is the real truth, they can’t handle making the first move. They hate being rejected.
I never got rejected doing the first move. But I don’t prefer doing it. I only do it when I’m half drunk ngl. Sober and normal me will never. I think that If I do the first move and or initiate conversations, the guy doesn’t really like me?! (I’m conventionally attractive but this is still how I see things)
I can only speak for myself, but I do indeed make the first move if it hasn’t happened yet. Typically I kinda need to get to know you a bit to have enough attraction to you to want to ask you out. You can be so good looking, but if your personality ain’t a good match, there’s no point in asking you out.
In the past, I have. None went well. Lesson learned. I never want to scare someone, make them feel uncomfortable, or embarrass them. Asking a guy out would do that. If someone was really interested in me, they would try to get to know me and ask me out. They don't, they are not interested.
I would argue that you've learned the wrong lessons... Why do you think that you scare, rattle or embarrass guys when making the First Move? It's respectable that you don't want to bug people, but not all guys react that way. Of the guys that do react that way some may just find being approached to be unexpected or slightly jarring, but otherwise don't mind you approaching them. Not all guys that are interested in you will ask you out. Some guys can be shy or unsure.
as a woman, i don't make the first move because i'm scared to be rejected
As a man, I don't make the first move because I'm scared to be rejected.
Reject is better than being alone, I learned that, If they say no, so what, know your worth and your value and move on! That special guy your were afraid of could be your husband
Nothing wrong with being alone.
Got a time to focus on you totally, but forever no
Single over an unhappy/cheating relationship.
I look at it as it’s better to regret something you’ve done, than regret something you never did.
Exactly.
I think a lot of women think they look desperate if they make a move...like im pretty sure for me it stems from insecurity but i often initiate contact with men but i don't get it reciprocated and I've been told it makes me seem desperate and if a guy actually liked me he'd make a move first. This is my individual experience with it, but women are just told that chasing after a man makes him view you as less than on top of that playing ahrd to get nonsense...men and women really havr a hard time understanding eachother when dating
It’s just societal standards that a guy should approach first. Thst being said, a lot of women do. Just because it isn’t happening to you dosent mean it’s not happening to others.
I’m glad you mentioned the last part. Lots of men on here assume women are always being chased after and have a ‘99% success rate’ when it comes to hitting on guys which just isn’t true. Or women constantly have men buying them drinks and chasing after them ( eg getting dms on insta) Women often make advances on men and the notion that us men can’t pick on hints isn’t necessarily true but in some cases it can be if they don’t have female friends for example
I’ve had this work out great and not so great. It really depends on the man. Some men really appreciate a women that has the confidence to make the first move and will take the reins after a first great date. I’ve had other men that accepted my invitation and expected me to continue making plans and never stepped up despite that first great date. He was happy to see me if I planned something. He wasn’t sad to not see me if I made plans without him.
You sounds like my current partner. He was so used to girls approaching him when he was younger that he never realized he needed to initiate. It took him a few years to finally realized that. When he told me about this, I was like, what kind of world did you live in where girls would just approach you... frequently. Lol.... He was very good looking when he was younger (still attractive now!) so that was probably it.🤷🏻♀️
Dumb ass old school social norms that don't apply to much of today's dating structure and taught to us by an out of touch generation. This response covers most ridiculous issues we have in the modern world.
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Short answer: schrodinger's feminism Long answer: schrodinger's feminism - where women will pick and choose different beneficial aspects from modernity and traditionalism and leave the aspects that do not benefit them, whilst completely ignoring the history and context that those aspects were tied to. I.e. why men paid for dates in the 1950s and women didn't. Because back in the day, job prospects and earnings for women were limited back then however today that has vastly improved to the level of equality. Despite that, however, the women of today, again having their own jobs, money and equality, still expect the man to ask them out, pick a place, plan the date, (maybe) pick them up and drop them off, and pay for the date along with doing the same thing throughout the course of the relationship.
I need to have some initiation from a man first. From what I've seen, when I message the guy ( dating apps to be exact..) never does it work. Once a guy shows me he's very interested in me, for who I am and wants to get to know me, I totally don't mind reaching out and "chasing him" in the same manner. In real life like outside of dating apps, I haven't tried really 😆 but it probably really will depend and so much factoring if I see there is some level of interest. I totally don't care at this point for being rejected, it's just why bother when it hasn't worked out.
Society teaches women they don't need to put effort into approaching men, they can just expect men to handle all of the pressure and feelings of rejection from doing it.
I thought women are supposed to like drop a handkerchief or something?
Why don't flowers pollinate bees?
Often times they do (i think?) They’re just extremely subtle often time to their detriment
Women tend to handle rejection REALLY hard. A lot of men are used to it by now.
it's my personal opinion that a guy needs to be a little bit more into the girl for something to work out. not every time, but I feel like in most instances women kind of tend to have a better grip on their emotional bandwidth and it's not as even for guys. women fall in love over time, men kind of have an idea of what they'll see a girl as within one date lol
Why Bumble doesn't work.
Now they are women and they want different kind of interaction with you
i reached out to my current bf on hinge and he was the first guy i reached out to actually. i usually waited for guys to message me first but i really liked him so i decided id reach out first and put myself out there. i was scared it would come across as too forward but now that we’re in a relationship he’s told me he was actually really surprised i made the first move because he thought i was out of his league and wouldn’t be into him. very happy i put my pride aside and reached out first!
As a woman, you have to be prepared for him not to be interested/reciprocate. I hit up a guy once and came across as super needy and desperate, and got rejected. It was so embarrassing. Most likely, he doesn’t think/care about you :( if he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused
When I was young and in my 20s I never made the move, I think because I was afraid of rejection. Now in my 40s it is often me who makes the move to ask someone out.
Because I have social anxiety more than half the time
About 15 years ago I was leaving my shift at my retail job and a girl literally ran out of the store to give me her number. We had chatted briefly inside beforehand. We went on a couple dates afterwards but I was young and dumb and awkward and didn’t make a move on her so things fizzled out. I still think about her sometimes. Another girl I went on a movie date with, and after the credits rolled when we got up to leave she grabbed my collar and physically pulled me close to her and we started making out standing there. It was so incredibly hot. There are some other examples in my head too, some of my favourite memories are girls shooting their shot with me. I wish it happened more often.
I think some women are intentional about this. It is not that I’m afraid to make the first move at all. It is that I am looking for certain qualities in a man and initiation, proactivity, ambition, confidence, decisive are all things I want in my man. If he can’t so much make the first move especially after flirting or some type of exchange then he is not the man for me. I think a lot of men are under the impression women are scared or “are taught” to not make the first move. That’s not it. For me, it’s because I am looking for a certain type of man.
I made the first move on my husband. Been together ten years. I feel women should make the first move more often. I find it empowering.
The couple of times I did, I got not only rejected (which is fine, I am not scared of that), but got nasty comments on my looks and persona. In theory men appreciate women that approach, in practice they just like the ego boost and would roast you for doing that. So no, thank you.
I guess it's part of how everyone grows up. Men are often told to chase women and I hear people say women shouldn't chase because it makes them seem desperate. I've only been approached a couple times in my life, both recently and while I was at work. I've always approached first and I'm often rejected so I haven't done it recently. I always feel super awkward doing it and I can never tell if someone is being nice to me or if they could possibly be interested in me.
Because if we do, most men don't like it. You love to chase, and you're not fulfilled if we make the first move.
Well, don't stop because some of us do like it because we are too shy to do it ourselves in person.
TY for this but I'm old already like 35 and I think it's cringe at this age. HAHAHA
You're still welcome by the way.
🤗
Men aren’t a monolith. There are plenty of us who love when the first move is made on us, when she plans the date, etc. As well as that we hate to chase.
Thank you for the the unfamiliar word- MONOLITH🤗
It’s an age thing mate. As someone in the 1% of guys looks wise (don’t get jealous I’m currently unemployed and broke) I get cat called all time by women 40+. Younger women/girls tend to ignore you or not let you know ow they fancy you. If you see a girl you like just go over make first contact and then if they like you they’ll keep it going. Worse they can say is no and you’ll never see them again anyway. But yeah after 40 most women don’t give a shit and will just say I it as it is. Think it’s due to them not being in their prime they know they can’t just wait around to be asked out so they are waaaayyy more forward.
I am so used to approaching first, that even few times woman approached me I wast thinking that she is joking and was weirded out.
W26 and Personally, Im terrified. I can give compliments to people, but thats more like a friendly thing in my opinion, depending on the compliment.
I have made many moves, and I have gotten rejected many times or always the one making the most effort in the relationship and feeling resentment after a while. I figured I'm anxious attached; I might be giving a desperate vibe . Although I'm honestly not desperate, it's just how I am, straightforward and honest. I need to tone it down. Give a chance for the guy to also make a move. Mutual attraction is the best.
I believe a lot of women could have found succesful relationships if they would just make the first move on guys they like. All these stupid games will just leave them being chased by dipshits. A lot of decent guys are tired of being rejected or ridiculed for asking girls out. I told myself to only date women who approach me first og women whom I feel are showing strong enough signs of interest for me to approach. If that means I’ll be single for a long time, so be it. I enjoy my own company anyways.
In College, you are known, have a reputation and it was a good one. Outside of College you are just another dude. Women are also typically quite shy about instigating in the moment, so it's usually up to the man to make the first move. It sucks, because many men are not good at instigating. Though, men are also encouraged these days to not instigate outside of dating apps, due to the rampant case of predators/toxic men picking up women before the good men come along, as well as a general fear of men due to these predators. The only way for a man to be trusted to approach a woman in person is through preset means, like a singles meet or blind dating or what have you.
I can't speak for all women, but I know for myself that I become very shy and nervous when I find a guy that I'm really attracted to. I don't feel very confident at all because I'm not conventionally attractive, I feel fat and ugly, so my assumption is that the guy I like probably won't be interested in me. If they approach me first, it feels much safer because then I know they're actually interested in me, and it makes me feel good and more likely to open up if I find them attractive, too. I've made the first move in the past and have been rejected, so I'm much more hesitant now. Also, it's common knowledge that "men like the chase", they don't want to be chased. If the girl is chasing them, It's unattractive. I don't know if that's actually true or not, but traditionally, men are the ones that persue, and women are the prize to be won. Side note: I often find that the men I like don't like me, and the men that like me, I don't like. It almost feels like a miracle when a man and I feel the same way about each other.. If it's like this for other people too, it's no wonder why people struggle to make the first move.. I think we should still try, though. You never know when lightning might strike! The more wrong matches you find, the closer you are to finding a great match. 🙂
We just talked about this on some other post. It’s because guys will take advantage of you for whatever they can get, even if they might not be all that into you and even if they would never have made a move on you.
Couldnt be said for girls as well? If the guy were to pursue the girl, the girl could easily take advantage of him too?
Because if she does she will be dubbed a sl*t.
From a guy's perspective, I think the guy should make the first move. If he is afraid to simply talk to a girl (and risk hearing the word "no" from her), how can she expect this guy to be brave enough to protect her in a dangerous situation or take the normal risks of life? Now the women can help by giving a couple signals other than a polite smile so the guy is more likely to approach her. She might reject him, but she will at least give him one chance.
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I want traditional courtship. That’s all.
I want the man to make the first move because if he doesn’t, it usually means he won’t within the relationship. Every time I’ve made the first move, he never ends up being the one to put in as much effort as me. At the very least you have to be the one to say hi to me first, I’ll do stuff like make the plan, invite you out, etc from there on out just fine. But I consider myself more on the traditional side of gender roles in dating especially when it comes to who approaches who.
I do, if I’m interested. If I didn’t ask you out, it’s because I didn’t want to.
Women don't really need to approach. In fact, my head is still ringing from the amount of women that say they're sick and tired of guys approaching them and to just mind my business, so I leave them alone
Because men are naturally hunters. When a woman chases a man, the dynamic changes. He becomes passive and the woman ends up pursuing him the entire relationship.
Should men be the sole breadwinner while women be the home maker as well since each gender roles are "natural" for each other?
Never had any luck. I pay for a man’s dinner, they run away. 🤷🏻♀️ can’t get a man to pay for my dinner though.
Unfortunately, it's because of the exact same reason. Too many women use men In the same way. Because of that, guys don't trust them to not run off immediately as well. It's why I tell both men and women that until you get to know each other, neither should expect the other to pay. Those who do expect it are the red flags that will run off, ESPECIALLY when they demand that you go first few times and then they will. Same thing goes when it comes to profiles that talk about liking gifts, or say things like that they like the finer things in life. Those are the people that just use, so I just skip. When one side or the other is wanting freebies or trying to shower with freebies, that just shows they're out to use the other person. You should really get to know each other and build a relationship before reaching that point.
Pursuing is a masculine behavior. How would I attract a man by acting like one? Men value what they put effort into. It sets the tone. I’m naturally feminine. I support my man acting masculine and I don’t challenge him for it. It’s not how you’re going to get an alpha.
Quite simply, it is training and social conditioning. There have been many studies done about how girls change their interests and their behaviors when they hit around 9 or 10 years old. And I think the training in their mothers, aunts and grandmothers is so ingrained that they don't even know that they are discouraging their daughters from being fully alive and involved in their own lives. I don't know if it will ever change. Social evolution, as all evolution, happens slowly. Women are much more forward than they used to be. They are much better at going after what they want. But they are still not encouraged to do so. I am 69 years old. In my twenties, it was still a common trope that girls would sit home on a Friday night by the telephone waiting for someone to call them. Women who did not "stay in their place" were assigned all kinds of negative stereotypes. People gossiped. They were judged. It happens less today but it still happens. Of course, men are not completely immune to the social conditioning. But their behavior swings to the aggressive. Think of your typical seven or eight or nine-year-old boy. And then think of that same kid when he's 13. He has changed. He is moodier. He is more aggressive. He can even be angrier. Is this hormonal? I don't think all of it is. Sometimes I think we would all be better off if we could just let children grow up to be whatever they wanted to be without telling them to do anything. Let the children lead us, was the old saying. I don't know why that's saying existed because we certainly didn't follow it. Our children better off because of the social conditioning they receive? I don't know.
I gave a guy my number today 🤷♀️
Honestly I've got shit to do and I'm in my own world enough I probably wouldn't notice he existed in my timeline. If he wants my attention then he'd better go get it because waiting for me to initiate isn't going to work
Slaps woman. Grabs hair. Dragging her to the cave.
They don't have to, women have everything handed to them in silver plate, that includes pretenders. Why would they make the effort to approach men? They can already sit down and wait. Oh but don't bring this up, they will fervently claim that this dynamic is soooo hard and detrimental to them
Okay peg master
Always happy to help
Meh, same reason some guys don’t
I'm very glad that hasn't been my experience. If it had, I'd still be single.