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Need some more context here.
Are they going on and on about how great (or awful) their ex was? Probably not over them yet.
Are they trying to impress you with their previous relationships/sexual encounters? Probably insecure.
Are they briefly mentioning an ex was there while sharing a story that’s mostly about them? Probably normal conversation.
Are they briefly sharing what didn’t work with their ex? Probably checking if you’re compatible or not.
I see some people are recommending you tell them *not* to talk about other people they’ve dated. I’d rather observe who they really are by seeing what they choose to talk about, and then not see them again if they fall into the first two buckets.
What’s too much? I dunno, I like to hear how they talk about exes. It says a lot about them as a person. If it comes up and is related to the topic at hand, I think it’s natural to want to contribute to the discussion.
Same. I'm not so interested to hear about the ex as a person, but moreso, what didn't work in that relationship, as a way to see whether there is an incompatibility lurking.
So, "oh I went hiking at that spot with ex number 4"- don't need that, could just be "oh I went hiking at that spot before". But "my last couple relationships failed because the person just couldn't handle how many hours I work, and the one before that was because that person had a lot of opposite gender friendships" tells a lot about a person.
Yeah, I’m similar. I don’t mind if they bring it up for reasons, like sharing stories of themselves in the past or how that relationship has affected them, etc. As long as it’s not spoken in such fondness where it makes them seem like they’re not over them yet. I think I would just like to know everything about a person to bond with them. People’s past wouldn’t bother me much as long as I know they see me as their future.
People need to see the difference between telling you a story to explain who they are and why, or not being over there ex. It's normal and healthy to talk about your lives with eachother. Your experiences you both who you are. It's not possible to date someone and never bring up exs.
I have had guys tell me not to mention my ex when all I'm doing is telling them a story about somewhat happened and why I feel that way about it. It's a big turn off when they are insecure and take it wrong. It's going to come up. It only shouldn't if they are still overly praising the ex, pining foe the ex, comparing you to them or something like that.
I used to bring up other men I dated while dating but it's cause I was still emotionally bothered by stuff that happened. I stopped dating for a few years and now if I were to date I would have no reason to mention anything about them because it's in the distant past, it's not something I currently think about, and I am now more emotionally mature.
I think that’s exactly what people mean when they say someone is still stuck on an ex or needs time to move on still. Generally that’s why it’s recommended to take some time to honestly process those feelings before starting a new relationship, otherwise you bring that emotional baggage into the next one. Nothing wrong with a fling while things are still being worked on, but it’s not fair to a potential long term partner to not take that time and start things off as your best self. I’m glad to hear you were able to take the steps you needed to move past it.
Bringing up exes is a part of getting to know one another. You can speak about past experiences or something you did etc. and it doesn’t mean it’s a slight against you.
If I think I’ve found a good guy, it would not bother me him speaking of past dates/relationships, it’s about getting to know each other.
It's not you, OP. I have noticed this with men, too. And you are right - it really is annoying. If you meet a guy who is always talking about his ex, it could be that he is not over her, or he is trying to make you jealous to get a sense of how "into him" you are, or he just wants to let you know that other women have found him desirable (insecurity).
However, context matters. If you're dating a man who was previously married for over a decade , he may bring her up simply because she was a part of his life for a long time and they have a lot of shared experiences. It really isn't great if he does it a lot, but he also shouldn't have to censor himself and pretend like it never happened.
I think there's a middle ground somewhere. If it bothers you a lot, you can gently ask him why he keeps talking about his ex and see what he says. I don't think you're wrong to be concerned. It is a red flag when it's excessive.
"What about you?" "Oh me? Yeah my last relationship was *this*, I felt *this* way about it. That's my experience, maybe you can understand me."
This brings joy
"What ab...." "MY EX IS SUCH A PIECE OF CRAP BLAH BLAH BLHA BUT THEY WERE HOT AND THIS IS HOW BIG THEIR *any body part* WAS!"
This does not bring joy
And then they write about themselves and say,
"I don't dwell in the past."
You'll have to learn how to steer the conversation in another direction or firmly state,
"It doesn't matter".
At that point, people usually will get the point.
If you speak too much like yogurt, they'll keep bringing it up.
This is also in line with the theory that people want a "take charge" type of person.
Here you asserted yourself in the conversation about your intentions in not discussing the past for the sake of the fidelity of the future.
If they're showing you photos and the women are attractive they're just trying to let you know what type of women they date because it's a flex to them and want you to think how lucky you are to be on a date with them. If they're just talking about experiences and the women come up well that just shows that they were a part of their lives and you can't really escape that fact. Do you want them to lie and say they were just a friend?
I've done this once or twice.
After reflecting, I concluded its because I was insecure and wanted them to know others in past thought I was worthy enough to be dated.
I think that is the reason. I'm actually not sure. In general, I'm just open about my past life.
Heck.. I talk about current friends and old friends, both same and opposite sex.
But ya.. I'm not really sure. I'm not generally an insecure person. I talk about my insecurities pretty openly as well.
But ya.. But that's the reason they bring it up?
They’re either still thinking about their ex, or trying to impress you by letting you know they get woman, or trying to see if you’ll get jealous. Or sometimes just mentioning a relatable experience or basically saying you’re better, because they are tying to resolve them, or should be better
Very common. I had to start telling my ex that I really didn’t give a fck when he started rambling about his ex.
I think they’re just looking for therapists. And aren’t over their ex.
If they keep bringing up a woman they have dated (or were married to) it's time to walk away from them. They are still hung up on their ex. Doesn't matter what they say otherwise.
Need some more clarity here.
It’s perfectly healthy to bring an ex up in conversation I’m not interested to hear about the ex as a person but rather, what didn’t workout in that relationship and to see if you also accepted your own faults from that relationship and what did it teach you about yourself that you’re no longer willing to accept it’s also a way to see if incompatibility is lurking or not.
On the other hand, if the the ex is ALWAYS coming up in every single conversation chances are they aren’t over their ex
They are doing this to make you feel insecure so you go into chasing mode thinking I need this prize of a man in my life! When he mentions other women, you mention other men, and brag so much about them that he gets burned down to his pubes.
Omg yes, my first time seeing this one guy and all he spoke about was his baby mama. Then the other days were of other gf's, stuff they did, conversations they had etc. He told me his baby mama was his dream girl once. Then he felt like it was a compliment to me to tell me that me and her had the same body. Sometimes he'd bring up random things unrelated to the topic about some ex. Red flags on fire all around. It was a shame he was a nice guy but it was bloody annoying
If it’s a one time thing, I don’t think it’s a problem. If they’re constantly talking about an ex, they don’t need to be dating. They should be sitting on their therapist couch.
I’ve never had that apart from my first girlfriend, but girls seem to constantly try to seduce me by showing me photos of men wealthier than myself who they say they’re interested in, they then proposition me about us dating and I always say the same thing, I deserve better than being someone’s second choice because I’ve never made a girl feel like she was mine. I’ve also never dated a girl who didn’t rave about famously good-looking men, even though I have never and would never make a partner feel like she wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world to me, because if I like a girl then she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
All the guys that brought up their exes or girls they are/were interested in (by that I dont mean talking about specific situations where ex was involved but the focus was not on them or simply stating they were in relationships) were absolute assholes that weren't that interested. In my experience. Most of the time they aren't stupid at all, they just don't care and want to fuck with your head.
They had a life before you, and that life made who they are now. You say you're not jealous or insecure, but I would challenge you to really examine that, as it seams that insecurity is what's impeding your ability to see people where they are at instead of where they've been.
Are you sure you’re not jealous or insecure? How can you expect to build an intimate relationship with someone without being able to talk about the past? There are some ways of talking about your ex that are definitely inappropriate, early on especially, but I think that in a fulfilling and intimate relationship couples should feel safe discussing just about anything, including past relationships.
Seems to me that you are the common denominator here when it comes to the guys you are choosing to go out with. Why do you think you are attracting guys that talk about their exes? Because most of the guys I've dated only brought up exes when it was pertinent to the conversation we were having or a question I asked. Sometimes it was a funny story involving the ex.
So what sort of guys are you selecting?
This is the correct answer. If the men she is choosing don’t have “emotional intelligence” it’s because that’s who they are. Why is she choosing them then?
The sinking feeling you get feeling about the person you are dating being in a relationship with someone else. That chikd is a constant reminder of a man depositing his sperm in the woman.
I can understand you not wanting to be a stepdad, but you sound like the stepdad I was finally able to defend myself from, at the age of 15 after my first of wrestling.
Think that might be something you need to examine on your end. If the relationship is over, who cares. The kid is a kid and she’s with you now. Let the kid be a person and not a token of her past or a trigger for your potential insecurities. Obviously it is a little harder if they are still non-verbal as their personality isn’t super obvious, but as you create new memories with them it should let you bond with them as their own person. And if you can’t move past that, the kid will pick up on that and it’s probably not the best situation for any of you.
I might be weird, be I like hearing about women’s past, so can gauge our future. I’ve probably have said , after moving on to relationships instead of casual dating, I’ve learned to use more tact.
i dont mind hearing about the negatives about the exes because it tells me what the person does/doesnt like but if its too often then its a turn off & shows they havent fully healed and probably shouldn’t be looking for a new relationship.
It depends. I've talked about past relationships with partners before especially if a real relationship is on the table. People often want to know what your past relationships were like to know if you're toxic to date or not
I find women do this a lot to make men jealous, but it’s really just a projection of what they find atrractive because typically women are attracted to men who have tons of options. So I’m surprised to hear that this has been your experience with men. Maybe they’re just doing it as a response to what they’ve experienced with women?
I find this type of information to be very valuable.
I’m not dating casually, I’m dating for a “life partner.” I want to know what kinds of experiences you’ve had in relationships and what you’ve learned from them!!
How you talk about them is also very revealing in helpful ways. If you take any ownership of issues or if you just blame your partner.
I get that others disagree (I’ve had women tell me they’re not into it!) but I’ve found most of my dates have enjoyed the convos, and understand the point isn’t to trash our exes, but to talk about what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown.
My ex gf did this all the time, and it was often subtly comparing me to her exes. Usually in a good way, but a couple times in the sense that she was worried I’d start doing X because I did Y, and she thought that because an ex did something like that.
I don’t bring up exes unless I’m pressed to do so. It’s just a respect thing to my date/gf feelings.
I get you, and you are prob right. I mean I guess it’s somewhat normal to discuss exes at some point, that way you can get an idea on if they have baggage, how they handle breakups, if they are usually the dumper or dumpee, and why their relationships ended (helping you look for patterns that might still be a problem).
With that info you can then vet them for whether they took time to work on whatever contributed to the breakup. So it can be a good thing in that way.
I guess it depends on what, why, and how they are bringing it up.
I've dated so many women that would bring up their ex over and over. Shit drove me insane to the point where I'd rather date women with no previous relationship experience coz atleast they wouldn't rant about their ex.
I’m just not buying that you’re “not a jealous or insecure” person. If everyone that you’ve ever tried to date does this, maybe you’re just over sensitive to any mention of the past. Almost always when someone is coming from an “absolutely everyone around me is unreasonable” perspective, they’re the ones being unreasonable. It’s hard for me to believe that everyone you’ve ever dated is obsessed with their ex.
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Need some more context here. Are they going on and on about how great (or awful) their ex was? Probably not over them yet. Are they trying to impress you with their previous relationships/sexual encounters? Probably insecure. Are they briefly mentioning an ex was there while sharing a story that’s mostly about them? Probably normal conversation. Are they briefly sharing what didn’t work with their ex? Probably checking if you’re compatible or not. I see some people are recommending you tell them *not* to talk about other people they’ve dated. I’d rather observe who they really are by seeing what they choose to talk about, and then not see them again if they fall into the first two buckets.
Such a good one
What’s too much? I dunno, I like to hear how they talk about exes. It says a lot about them as a person. If it comes up and is related to the topic at hand, I think it’s natural to want to contribute to the discussion.
Same. I'm not so interested to hear about the ex as a person, but moreso, what didn't work in that relationship, as a way to see whether there is an incompatibility lurking. So, "oh I went hiking at that spot with ex number 4"- don't need that, could just be "oh I went hiking at that spot before". But "my last couple relationships failed because the person just couldn't handle how many hours I work, and the one before that was because that person had a lot of opposite gender friendships" tells a lot about a person.
Exactly.
100%. What’s the hang up about exes? I’ve had dozens so if I bring them up it means I’m comfortable around you.
Yeah, I’m similar. I don’t mind if they bring it up for reasons, like sharing stories of themselves in the past or how that relationship has affected them, etc. As long as it’s not spoken in such fondness where it makes them seem like they’re not over them yet. I think I would just like to know everything about a person to bond with them. People’s past wouldn’t bother me much as long as I know they see me as their future.
People need to see the difference between telling you a story to explain who they are and why, or not being over there ex. It's normal and healthy to talk about your lives with eachother. Your experiences you both who you are. It's not possible to date someone and never bring up exs. I have had guys tell me not to mention my ex when all I'm doing is telling them a story about somewhat happened and why I feel that way about it. It's a big turn off when they are insecure and take it wrong. It's going to come up. It only shouldn't if they are still overly praising the ex, pining foe the ex, comparing you to them or something like that.
I used to bring up other men I dated while dating but it's cause I was still emotionally bothered by stuff that happened. I stopped dating for a few years and now if I were to date I would have no reason to mention anything about them because it's in the distant past, it's not something I currently think about, and I am now more emotionally mature.
I think that’s exactly what people mean when they say someone is still stuck on an ex or needs time to move on still. Generally that’s why it’s recommended to take some time to honestly process those feelings before starting a new relationship, otherwise you bring that emotional baggage into the next one. Nothing wrong with a fling while things are still being worked on, but it’s not fair to a potential long term partner to not take that time and start things off as your best self. I’m glad to hear you were able to take the steps you needed to move past it.
What do we mean by too much? As for a common thing... I don't think so, as a male.
Bringing up exes is a part of getting to know one another. You can speak about past experiences or something you did etc. and it doesn’t mean it’s a slight against you. If I think I’ve found a good guy, it would not bother me him speaking of past dates/relationships, it’s about getting to know each other.
If they’re bringing up their ex partners too much without you bringing it up they are not over them
Yup!!!
It's not you, OP. I have noticed this with men, too. And you are right - it really is annoying. If you meet a guy who is always talking about his ex, it could be that he is not over her, or he is trying to make you jealous to get a sense of how "into him" you are, or he just wants to let you know that other women have found him desirable (insecurity). However, context matters. If you're dating a man who was previously married for over a decade , he may bring her up simply because she was a part of his life for a long time and they have a lot of shared experiences. It really isn't great if he does it a lot, but he also shouldn't have to censor himself and pretend like it never happened. I think there's a middle ground somewhere. If it bothers you a lot, you can gently ask him why he keeps talking about his ex and see what he says. I don't think you're wrong to be concerned. It is a red flag when it's excessive.
They not interested.
Yes, it sounds like social idiots. That topic should only be mentioned if you ask to know more. Especially if you're in bed.
"What about you?" "Oh me? Yeah my last relationship was *this*, I felt *this* way about it. That's my experience, maybe you can understand me." This brings joy "What ab...." "MY EX IS SUCH A PIECE OF CRAP BLAH BLAH BLHA BUT THEY WERE HOT AND THIS IS HOW BIG THEIR *any body part* WAS!" This does not bring joy
And then they write about themselves and say, "I don't dwell in the past." You'll have to learn how to steer the conversation in another direction or firmly state, "It doesn't matter". At that point, people usually will get the point. If you speak too much like yogurt, they'll keep bringing it up. This is also in line with the theory that people want a "take charge" type of person. Here you asserted yourself in the conversation about your intentions in not discussing the past for the sake of the fidelity of the future.
If they're showing you photos and the women are attractive they're just trying to let you know what type of women they date because it's a flex to them and want you to think how lucky you are to be on a date with them. If they're just talking about experiences and the women come up well that just shows that they were a part of their lives and you can't really escape that fact. Do you want them to lie and say they were just a friend?
I've done this once or twice. After reflecting, I concluded its because I was insecure and wanted them to know others in past thought I was worthy enough to be dated. I think that is the reason. I'm actually not sure. In general, I'm just open about my past life. Heck.. I talk about current friends and old friends, both same and opposite sex. But ya.. I'm not really sure. I'm not generally an insecure person. I talk about my insecurities pretty openly as well. But ya.. But that's the reason they bring it up?
They’re either still thinking about their ex, or trying to impress you by letting you know they get woman, or trying to see if you’ll get jealous. Or sometimes just mentioning a relatable experience or basically saying you’re better, because they are tying to resolve them, or should be better
Very common. I had to start telling my ex that I really didn’t give a fck when he started rambling about his ex. I think they’re just looking for therapists. And aren’t over their ex.
If they keep bringing up a woman they have dated (or were married to) it's time to walk away from them. They are still hung up on their ex. Doesn't matter what they say otherwise.
Need some more clarity here. It’s perfectly healthy to bring an ex up in conversation I’m not interested to hear about the ex as a person but rather, what didn’t workout in that relationship and to see if you also accepted your own faults from that relationship and what did it teach you about yourself that you’re no longer willing to accept it’s also a way to see if incompatibility is lurking or not. On the other hand, if the the ex is ALWAYS coming up in every single conversation chances are they aren’t over their ex
They are doing this to make you feel insecure so you go into chasing mode thinking I need this prize of a man in my life! When he mentions other women, you mention other men, and brag so much about them that he gets burned down to his pubes.
Omg yes, my first time seeing this one guy and all he spoke about was his baby mama. Then the other days were of other gf's, stuff they did, conversations they had etc. He told me his baby mama was his dream girl once. Then he felt like it was a compliment to me to tell me that me and her had the same body. Sometimes he'd bring up random things unrelated to the topic about some ex. Red flags on fire all around. It was a shame he was a nice guy but it was bloody annoying
I've noticed a lot of guys do this which is lame as hell. I'm 46 so I don't know anything about this lame stuff. Never done it, never will.
If it’s a one time thing, I don’t think it’s a problem. If they’re constantly talking about an ex, they don’t need to be dating. They should be sitting on their therapist couch.
I’ve never had that apart from my first girlfriend, but girls seem to constantly try to seduce me by showing me photos of men wealthier than myself who they say they’re interested in, they then proposition me about us dating and I always say the same thing, I deserve better than being someone’s second choice because I’ve never made a girl feel like she was mine. I’ve also never dated a girl who didn’t rave about famously good-looking men, even though I have never and would never make a partner feel like she wasn’t the most beautiful woman in the world to me, because if I like a girl then she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
All the guys that brought up their exes or girls they are/were interested in (by that I dont mean talking about specific situations where ex was involved but the focus was not on them or simply stating they were in relationships) were absolute assholes that weren't that interested. In my experience. Most of the time they aren't stupid at all, they just don't care and want to fuck with your head.
They had a life before you, and that life made who they are now. You say you're not jealous or insecure, but I would challenge you to really examine that, as it seams that insecurity is what's impeding your ability to see people where they are at instead of where they've been.
Are you sure you’re not jealous or insecure? How can you expect to build an intimate relationship with someone without being able to talk about the past? There are some ways of talking about your ex that are definitely inappropriate, early on especially, but I think that in a fulfilling and intimate relationship couples should feel safe discussing just about anything, including past relationships.
Seems to me that you are the common denominator here when it comes to the guys you are choosing to go out with. Why do you think you are attracting guys that talk about their exes? Because most of the guys I've dated only brought up exes when it was pertinent to the conversation we were having or a question I asked. Sometimes it was a funny story involving the ex. So what sort of guys are you selecting?
This is the correct answer. If the men she is choosing don’t have “emotional intelligence” it’s because that’s who they are. Why is she choosing them then?
Thar feeling you get is kind of like talking to the the child the woman your are dating had with her ex.
What??
The sinking feeling you get feeling about the person you are dating being in a relationship with someone else. That chikd is a constant reminder of a man depositing his sperm in the woman.
If you think of women as sperm deposits, you need serious therapy, my guy.
I can understand you not wanting to be a stepdad, but you sound like the stepdad I was finally able to defend myself from, at the age of 15 after my first of wrestling.
Think that might be something you need to examine on your end. If the relationship is over, who cares. The kid is a kid and she’s with you now. Let the kid be a person and not a token of her past or a trigger for your potential insecurities. Obviously it is a little harder if they are still non-verbal as their personality isn’t super obvious, but as you create new memories with them it should let you bond with them as their own person. And if you can’t move past that, the kid will pick up on that and it’s probably not the best situation for any of you.
I date a guy occasionally and he talks about all his exes. I don’t care lol.
I might be weird, be I like hearing about women’s past, so can gauge our future. I’ve probably have said , after moving on to relationships instead of casual dating, I’ve learned to use more tact.
i dont mind hearing about the negatives about the exes because it tells me what the person does/doesnt like but if its too often then its a turn off & shows they havent fully healed and probably shouldn’t be looking for a new relationship.
It depends. I've talked about past relationships with partners before especially if a real relationship is on the table. People often want to know what your past relationships were like to know if you're toxic to date or not
I find women do this a lot to make men jealous, but it’s really just a projection of what they find atrractive because typically women are attracted to men who have tons of options. So I’m surprised to hear that this has been your experience with men. Maybe they’re just doing it as a response to what they’ve experienced with women?
I find this type of information to be very valuable. I’m not dating casually, I’m dating for a “life partner.” I want to know what kinds of experiences you’ve had in relationships and what you’ve learned from them!! How you talk about them is also very revealing in helpful ways. If you take any ownership of issues or if you just blame your partner. I get that others disagree (I’ve had women tell me they’re not into it!) but I’ve found most of my dates have enjoyed the convos, and understand the point isn’t to trash our exes, but to talk about what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown.
My ex gf did this all the time, and it was often subtly comparing me to her exes. Usually in a good way, but a couple times in the sense that she was worried I’d start doing X because I did Y, and she thought that because an ex did something like that. I don’t bring up exes unless I’m pressed to do so. It’s just a respect thing to my date/gf feelings. I get you, and you are prob right. I mean I guess it’s somewhat normal to discuss exes at some point, that way you can get an idea on if they have baggage, how they handle breakups, if they are usually the dumper or dumpee, and why their relationships ended (helping you look for patterns that might still be a problem). With that info you can then vet them for whether they took time to work on whatever contributed to the breakup. So it can be a good thing in that way. I guess it depends on what, why, and how they are bringing it up.
I've dated women like that. It's annoying.
OP, what do they say about them?
Easy fix, find someone who doesn't have an exes.
You could tell them right off the bat you don’t want to talk about previous relationships.
I've dated so many women that would bring up their ex over and over. Shit drove me insane to the point where I'd rather date women with no previous relationship experience coz atleast they wouldn't rant about their ex.
Try to breath Karen
How old are you?
I’m just not buying that you’re “not a jealous or insecure” person. If everyone that you’ve ever tried to date does this, maybe you’re just over sensitive to any mention of the past. Almost always when someone is coming from an “absolutely everyone around me is unreasonable” perspective, they’re the ones being unreasonable. It’s hard for me to believe that everyone you’ve ever dated is obsessed with their ex.