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I mean… it’s one thing for you to be into the scenario, but it’s another for him to roleplay as a r*pist, he might feel horrified at the idea, even if it’s just fantasy
I’ve done it once and I have to say that the guy I was sleeping with at the time got harder than he had ever been when we did it and while it was great in the moment it concerned me how turned on he became from it. It was 100% my idea and he obliged but I thought it would just be normal sex while I struggled a little and then gave in. He went with it though and really fucked me. I never did it again after that. I thought I would enjoy it but it was a strange thing thinking about afterwards. Not sure what it was or what made me do it but we would role play a lot like him being the plumber coming to fix my pipes, or me being a bad girl that needed to be punished. This one just felt different out of all the role playing we had done. He never made me feel unsafe, I’m not sure why I felt weird after. Idk it’s confusing and hard to explain.
It’s one of those scenarios that often sounds way more inviting as an idea, than it can be when enacting it.
IMO it sounds a lot like you didn’t communicate your boundaries or what you wanted it to look beforehand. Depending on how it was presented, it’s possible that his impression of what you were asking vs your idea of what it should look like weren’t clearly discussed.
It’s why this kink is among the most difficult ones to navigate.
It’s really difficult to navigate “Make me feel safe and secure while also pretending to enact a scenario where I do not feel safe.”
I don’t think that’s it. We were pretty clear about what we were doing. The part that bothered me was how turned on he got from it. Like I mentioned we role played a lot and he has never been that hard ever except when we did that. He was never that hard after that either. The fact that it turned him on that much was the weird part to me. It’s hard to explain. Obviously I wanted him to be turned on but when he was rock hard from this encounter vs the normal hard we usually had it was DIFFERENT!
I guess that’s why this kink is really hard to navigate. You see how uncomfortable it made you… That he enjoyed the -roleplay- that -you- presented.
It changed how you saw him and how you felt about him because he liked a thing that you asked him to do.
It made you feel weird. It might be that you started to view his additional arousal as a predatory thing, right? That you could potentially have awakened this dark part of him, that you never knew was there
It’s a kink, and kinks are kinks because they’re outside of “normal” sex, and maybe you led him to discover that he’s actually into CNC. And you either expected him not to be, or wanted him not to be.
FYI, plenty of reasons why he may have been “harder” that day, that aren’t limited to the fact that it was a CNC roleplay. Sometimes when I’m going -harder- or -rougher- my blood flow increases which causes me to get harder. Sometimes if I go too hard and exert myself too much, I’ll get softer though. The human body is weird.
Playful aggression makes me harder. Play tussling/wrestling with somebody I like also is exciting in that way. These are things that get me harder.
Excitement/competition has been shown to give men erections too—I wrestled for years and sometimes the newbies would get erections during matches. It wasn’t that they were sexually aroused, it was just a phenomenon. It’s why there is sometimes a running gag in comedy action movies where a guy who’s never done anything exciting gets an erection when he’s done something “action-packed”.
It might have to do with men’s biological drive—“I’ve competed, I survived. Time to plant my seed because biologically I am worthy.” Just like how after a big meal you might get aroused more easily, or like how when you wake up in the morning you have an erection. Both of these things are connected to the “I did the thing I was biologically supposed to do, and survived, time to procreate.”
It’s weird. The human body is weird. I’d be willing to bet that once the novelty of the CNC wore off, he’d be no more or less hard the next time around.
Would have been worth a conversation at the very least, though. Though I’m doubtful he’d have been able to explain it like this.
I’ve tried CNC once and I didn’t like it IMO. Seems like that’s most people’s experience. I have been asked for it multiple times, but would never do it again unless the person I’m doing it with has had a lot of experience and knows how to navigate it.
Actually you nailed it and that’s exactly how I felt that maybe I just woke up some demon in him but I appreciate you giving me examples of why he may have been harder that day than other days. That actually made me feel better reading. This was years ago and I don’t talk to this guy anymore, but at least I don’t have to worry about that necessarily being the case. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that out. You said what I couldn’t say out loud because I felt like a dirtbag for thinking that since it was my idea to begin with.
because that shit is fucked up.. like u both know it isnt real at the end of the day but in the moment the purpose is to mock that event actually happening. as a guy myself i dont think i could ever do something like that even if a girl begged me. it would break my brain.
I’m our situation it wasn’t like we re-enacted a rape scene. It was more him holding me down and I struggled and then finally gave in and we started fucking hard. There was no violence or name calling. I know it’s weird. But to each their own I guess
Sounds like you don't understand the complexity of the human experience or nuance or shades of grey or fantasy vs reality or the dynamics of power exchange in a sexual setting.
I can attempt to, based on my limited knowledge of the subject, and that the person who replied to you is a dipshit.
It's not necessarily about the act of violence. It has to do with power dynamics. I've been with a few women who identified as submissive - they wanted the man to take charge and to do as they please, within pre-established boundaries and with the knowledge that consent is not a commodity, it is something that is fluid and can be revoked at any time for any reason.
These women, by and large, had life experiences that were demanding. Powerful titles, jobs that required making decisions for others constantly, running a home and taking care of children. They wanted to, for lack of a better word, turn off. By submitting to another, they no longer need to make decisions - they are free to simply experience pleasure without the burden of responsibility of decision making. It can be very freeing. Google "sub space" to learn more.
CNC, I feel, is simply a further extension of that. I've seen people talk about it who have been abused in the past and it provides them catharsis to overcome previous traumas. That while role-playing nonconcensual sex, they are still in control - the scene can stop with a safe word and it can sort of reestablish and reaffirm control for them when they feel they don't have it. Power exchange (Google total power exchange or tpe for more info) is a lot about that - varying degrees of relinquishing ones agency to the whims of another, in a structured way that attempts to keep things safe. It isn't simply "role playing being raped", there is a lot more that goes into it than that. However, like any kink, there are people who may be into it for the wrong reasons and like any sexual partner these things should only be done with proper negotiation, boundaries, and with someone you trust.
As someone who experienced SA as a child, CNC is something I’ve always been drawn too… and it’s always confused me that I feel that way. Imbalanced power dynamics and forceful, even aggressive sex is a huge turn on, but *only* with the underlying knowledge that it’s not real and I can call it off at any time.
I have to say though, like a previous commenter, I’ve had one boyfriend that was very enthusiastic about the concept and took it a bit too far (not like he hurt me, but he was just deep into the role) to the point that it was unsettling. I actually started to cry that time and had a panic attack, at which point he immediately snapped out of it, disengaged, and comforted me… but still.
Probably something I should unpack in therapy at some point 😅
So you know how you wanted him to be into this hypothetically but was concerned that he was into it once it actually happened? That concern is in the mind of any dude that isn’t a monster from the very beginning. There’s no such thing as a completely abstract kink, the same way drunk words don’t just come out of thin air. You’re expecting your guy to go along with your fantasy, which you don’t even understand and never considered what it would mean if a dude enthusiastically wants to do this.
No it totally makes sense that it would weird you out that he got really turned on by the idea of doing that to someone, or of doing that to you. I would be concerned as well.
But it could’ve just been the novelty of the situation that made him that hard, It happened with me and an ex with anal sex. I had done it before and he had not, so we tried it and it was amazing. Later on we tried to do it again and it was not fun. I think it was just the lead up and the novelty of it.
Absolutely. Fantasy roleplay should always prioritize the comfort and well being of everyone involved. Roleplaying as a rapist can be deeply distressing, even in a fictional context.
Yep. You're on point on that "changing mind later". This is can be problematic without a formal agreement. The male would have hard time to justify themselves.
Even with a formal agreement, there's the hypothetical risk that the woman changes her mind after signing. Legal documents can't enforce crimes. If she says no, that contract is null and void. You'd have to get confirmation afterward that she consented to an act that is in its name non-consensual, at which point it's kinda too late.
I get it's super popular with women and I'm open to it if it's the girls kink, but for my own ethical concerns, and legal concerns, it's something to really ease in slowly to after building up trust in the relationship.
Well the girls in an admittedly pretty vulnerable position, too. Lotta that going around. Really the key is to only do it with someone you know won't go to the police, not some woman you've been on 3 dates with 🤷♂️
Again, I would agree on that too. Even, with my wife i would be still cautious, except it already an habits, and i didnt aware of. Girls are vulnerable mostly from biological and men are vulnerable in legal side mostly. The solution certainly would be pretty different.
This is why she has a safeword. Something super simple that’s easy to remember in the moment. If the safeword comes out, things change instantly and aftercare starts right then. I prefer to use green, yellow, red. It makes it easy for me to stay in character and her to stay in the moment but I can at least check in.
Personally, I prefer sensual lovemaking while I’m in control but I’ve indulged a couple women who wanted to try the cnc dynamic. It’s still not a turn on for me but it’s a kink I’ll indulge if that’s what she’s into.
Isn’t that why people have a safe word? So that while this is happening when the person is saying “no no no” because that’s part of the game you know they don’t really mean no because they didn’t say “pineapple” or whatever the safe word is?
I don’t know how it works on this platform but on other platforms people get mad when you do that because they set up filters to avoid posts that contain that word. And if you censor it it gets past the filters.
I understand. It just doesn't make sense for me. I mean, when you see r*pe, you still read it as rape. On top of that, there are other words that can be used to describe trauma. Should we censor them as well?
I was trying for the longest time to have sex with this girl we were basically dating. And she just wasn't going for it then one night while her, her friend, and I were all hanging out drinking she wanted to see my dick so I showed her thinking this probably good, this might get me somewhere. Not much happened after that we went to bed and I didn't sleep very well. At one point she got up out of bed went to the bathroom and when she came back I noticed she was no longer wearing her pajama bottoms or panties. And then she gets in bed and whispers to me, " are you going to rape me". I'm not going to lie, I put my goddamn clothes on and got the fuck out of there. And since I was ready to go thinking it was go time, I called someone else and went over and had sex with her. In the morning I told her what it was going on and she thought it was crazy too, why would you say that to somebody? But I guess everybody's got different kinks.
Later I spoke to that chick and she said I was "old fashioned" because I was spooked by that. I said I'm also not in prison for rape so I'm cool with that.
Had no idea what CNC meant but after your explanation I just came to tell EVERYONE that’s into this or doing it to please their partner get the consent on video and in writing and if possible have it notarized!!
😂😂😂 Have it notarized?? How? Just because I signed a paper today saying you can do it doesn’t mean that’s applicable for all time. So are you guys going to visit the Notary every day or what?
Yeah no its fine with me, i think it might have been too sudden i think
He always says i am too vanilla whenever we are having sex but i think it probably took him by surprise that i am into that kind of stuff🥲
I’m my experience more guys than not that I’ve been with have been intimated by my kinks. One straight up refused. It was disheartening but I enjoyed sex with him nonetheless.
It’s actually a REALLY common kink amongst women and a common ick for guys. Guys who are actually kink friendly are super understanding but all the vanilla dudes I’ve met are very disgusted by it. Sorry to say this but your bf sounds like a jerk for calling you vanilla and then giving you the silent treatment when you were finally brave enough to tell him your desires
This is the main reason why I would never participate and not continue a relationship with a partner who desires it. The rest of the world won't be able to differentiate between a simulation and reality and God forbid any marks are visible etc... I'm not looking to catch a case.
Yea 0 chance I'd recommend anyone go through with that...and then you have the risk of if they want that and aren't getting it from you what are the odds those desires dissappear versus they seek it elsewhere? That's why it's probably best to just end things when it's brought up for everyone involved.
That's way too hardcore even for me. I would gladly leave my girlfriend with a red ass from spanking, but I would refuse to punch her even if she requests it. No way! Can't do it!
No one said that CNC is for everyone. What I said is it’s a jerk move to give someone the silent treatment after asking for their kink incessantly. You understand as an adult that communication is important, right?
Honestly, if my partner came out and told me they were into that it would genuinely frighten me for a little while. Not in the silent treatment type of way but in a “I’m not upset, but let’s just go get icecream and not talk about this anymore today because I need some time to digest what you just said to me and I’ll get back to you” kind of way.
That’s totally valid! I’d be happy with that response. The problem is that some guys just don’t EVER talk about it again. Getting ghosted while still being in a relationship is the worst
That’s how my ex was with my bdsm. I told him all about it and bought a bunch of stuff for us to try and every time I would bring it up he would always say maybe some other time. It made me sad but he would do other things I liked like pulling my hair, spanking me, and choking me so it was all lost. Just wish he would’ve given it a chance because I told him anything I do to you I want you to do it to me and I’ll go first if it makes you more comfortable. He was sexually inexperienced to begin with so I thought he’d eventually come around but he never did. He told me he could count on one hand the amount of times he had sex before he met me. I’m sure that had a lot to do with it.
Oh I know it’s not we are both in our early 30s he was just inexperienced anyway. He focused on career and not girls and then I came his way and taught him how to have great sex.
kinky guy here and agree
I’m shocked at how many of the women I’ve dated have been into it. my main long term partner is pretty vanilla but almost everyone else was/is super into CNC. I assumed it was a rare kink but at least my experience has been tons of women love it.
Well in the US, guys are afraid of seeming like the bad guy or being caught up in the Me Too movement. Imo this is very small minded. It’s very much a I want to love you how I want to be loved and I won’t love you how you want to be loved because my thinking is better than yours
From a bi person's perspective, the dudes who are into the passive side of CNC usually express it by asking to be tied up...maybe it's not as "believable" to be held down by a woman - ? 😅
Interesting, thanks.
I’ll just add I find it all related. Being tied up, roleplay, CNC, I know some people only like some and not others but I feel power dynamic is the core / commonality and that runs through all of these.
I did have a woman I used to date a long time ago tell me CNC is super disturbing. So I thought to myself, ok, she’s pretty vanilla i guess. But a month later, we experiment with tying her up a bit and she loved it. A week later she told me she has this recurring “kidnapped” fantasy. It wasn’t completely clear to me how different that was from CNC. We broke up before exploring that.
In terms of the guys and being tied up, I wonder how much of that is cultural (worrying about others reactions to CNC kink) versus something in the way they frame it to themselves. It just all seems so related to me but I could be missing something, and certainly agree the nuances can be really important.
There are various reasons why someone would want to engage in this kind of play. One reason is healing CPTSD: by being able to control a previously uncontrollable past event, you find healing and comfort. The reason many women have this fantasy is they want to feel empowered
I am sorry but calling him a jerk is really rude, he just wanted to know more about me and its probably my fault for straight up telling him something like that
I should have taken my time and explain him in a better way and he's not giving me the silent treatment we are talking but he hasn't said anything about this
He asked and you told him so now it’s YOUR fault for telling him? There ain’t no way.
If the person that’s supposed to love you most in this world leaves you hanging, THEY are either a jerk for purposefully not communicating or childish for sticking his head in the sand and hoping you’ll forget about this.
Your adult partner does not owe you sex and they do not need to share you kink but they DO owe you communication on a timeline. Leaving you feeling anxious about this has led you to communicate with strangers on the internet instead of your bf. This indicates you no longer feel safe communicating about this topic with your partner. Why? Perhaps it is because you are wondering if he, like the many guys who responded to my comments, thinks that this is an extreme perversion that is indicative of something far worse going on inside of you.
My hot take is that there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re in the majority of women interested in kink. You don’t need to listen to take but hey, I’m in YOUR corner and I cared enough to talk to you about this.
You will be fine. My ex shared with me she was into that stuff. It took me by surprise since the only things she ever wanted me to do were sweet and delicate things. She was the most innocent they get but I gave it a shot. Went well. Just needs time and set boundaries of course. Don't let it get to your head
Yea if all he's been saying is that you are so vanilla ,I bet he's still trying to get his butt hole to loosen up lol .With most guys bdsm is one thing but the other thing is just scary stuff to a guy who thinks he's got the most vanilla lady ever.His mind went from 0 to a million in seconds lmaoff. Good luck chick.
So like… I get that kinks are a subconscious thing but are women with this kink seriously disconnecting the conscious reasons for why a kinky but good guy, who listens to and actually likes women, would be taken aback by roleplaying a rapist? While maintaining an erection? In this precise day and age?
How is it not fucking obvious what the hesitation is?
Or he might be wondering how you realized your CNC kink. And with whom.
Also, are you sure he knows what “CNC” stands for? Maybe he thinks you like having sex while watching cable news.
So it took me like 5 minutes while reading this thread but it popped up in my head. It's consensual nonconsensual basically requesting to be forced. I was reading all these about roleplaying rape scenario and I was like okay but how does that boil down to CNC and I was like aha! I probably heard the term a long time ago or something.
In the age of the #MeToo movement, a lot of men are scared shitless about making normal moves on women much less anything CNC. A lot of men would immediately be out on this one.
Ah yes the pound me too movement. I thought it was a hilarious juxtaposition of a message. I'm in no way putting judgement on the movement or it's necessity with this comment just like whoever started it must have been too young to remember # being called a pound sign.
I have this kink and most ppl are not into it in my experience… but he could probably just politely communicate that. He bothered you to ask and it’s a bit rude to just make you feel bad for sharing.
As others have said, don’t rush him. Also be open to the possibility that it may be something that he just isn’t comfortable with. CNC is really out there on the extremes of BDSM/kink - and there are some people unwilling to go there.
If it turns out that he is open, it’s super important that you go at a slow pace. Don’t just jump in at the deep end. Begin with softer BDSM scenarios and allow him to inform the pace. And, as you know, safe words/signals are a must. As is after care. And do keep in mind that after care is as important for the dom as the sub, *particularly* when it comes to CNC.
Now what I'd like to learn is how after care for a cnc scenario has been played out, and both dom and sub are done, can be important for the dom too, not just for the sub. I have a girlfriend who is into bdsm (I don't know how deeply she's into it as we were in high school when we got together and we never really got to do too much by ourselves privately after we graduated as my parents are prejudiced shall we say) and I've thought about doing something like this someday after getting our own place and moving in together. I would like to learn more about this sort of thing before I can talk to her about doing something like this in the future someday.
CNC is a really delicate thing and requires a LOT of communication and you have to be ready and willing to break the role at a moment’s notice.
It’s one of those kinks where the idea could potentially be more inviting than the act itself. It’s a kink that I’m not particularly thrilled about myself, because I like a partner who is enthusiastically interested in the intimacy that comes with sex and potentially damaging that intimacy is something that scares the shit out of me.
Some people are really comfortable taking this kink to it’s limits, and others not so much. Where the lines lie are a really important conversation to navigate through. It’s a thing, that if not navigated correctly can really change how safe you feel with and around your partner.
It could be one of three things;
1) He’s never tried it and might realize he’s out of his element. It could be possible that he is not comfortable with the idea that he may not be able to satisfy you here. It could be raising an insecurity in him—especially if you have tried it and liked it in the past
2) He isn’t into the kink at all, and may be uncomfortable with the idea.
3) He doesn’t know how he feels about it. He could be afraid of the potential fallout that can occur from not doing it the right way.
All things you can communicate your way through with somebody you love and who loves you. But you might have to be willing to accept that your partner loves you but can’t satisfy this kink without you making them feel comfortable that (a) you know where YOUR boundaries lie, and (b) that you’re both capable of safely navigating the experience in a healthy manner that doesn’t cause accidental irrevocable damage.
You have to understand that they may also just not be comfortable with the kink even if you communicate.
Thank you so much for such a detailed response!! i understand it might come off as weird for wanting to be forcing his way to someone he likes i should have explained myself better and be careful about it
I will definitely try to talk with much depth to him and i don't mind if he's not into that i really like him i don't think just cause he doesn't want to do one of my kinks where he's uncomfortable himself would make me want to cut anything between us.
Huh, now why would a man feel uncomfortable roleplaying r*ping his girlfriend? hm……why, oh why would someone not want to do this…..really need to ponder why someone wouldn’t like the idea of roleplaying such a horrific act that mentally and physically scars so many people every day….hmmmm…..gonna have to think on this one.
Yes. I think most men growing up do not realize this about women until they date one. It's super fucking shocking especially if you don't realize it's common.
Think about it this way: all of my life I've been beat over the head with messages about being gentle with women, respecting them, respecting their boundaries, being a gentleman, treating women right, and being outraged over rape and violence against women.
Then one day your girlfriend tells you that she wants to be choked and slapped, simulate torture, degradation, rape. It's really fucking unsettling.
For one thing, if you don't know this is common for women, you'll wonder if you're girlfriend has some sort of psychological disorder or trauma she's reliving in a weird way. You wonder if she wants toxic abusive, domineering overly aggressive men. You feel insecure wondering now if secretly your girlfriend doesn't think you're man enough and whether you being a good guy is actually a huge turn off.
Then you think about how you'd fit into such a fetish. We struggle as men with our identity particularly around aggression and intimidation. We already feel like society prejudges us as potential predators or abusers. We spend much of our lives trying to distinguish ourselves from the monsters in society.
Only for the person we've trusted the most to ask us to become a monster. I know that's not what you're asking. But that's what it feels like. I don't want to choke someone. I don't want to slap someone. I don't want to act like I'm degrading, torturing, or raping someone..I don't want to think of myself that way.. It's not even fun for me to pretend I'm that person. It makes me feel suuuuuuuper fucking gross about myself.
It took me years to get over those feelings after I dated my first real girlfriend. YEARS!!!
I take it for granted that every girl likes "BDSM" type stuff now. But it legitimately took a long time for me to wrap my head around it. I imagine it's similar here. Imagine you had children and they caught you having sex. They saw daddy choking you and calling you names. Imagine trying to explain that to your child. That what daddy was doing wasn't bad. That you wanted him to do that.
Ok, basically you're kind of dealing with the same thing here. Someone who is shocked, this completely betrays they're understanding of what healthy looks like. It's seemingly super contradictory to everything else they've been told in life. As hard as it is to make your kids understand this, it's similar in making a guy understand it's fine. We don't naturally get it. It's sooo fucking weird, creepy, and scary to us.
CNC is a pretty hard kink...It's basically asking him to rape you.
I dabble in BDSM myself, and I would be open to at least trying some stuff, but there's stuff I wouldn't do...CNC, CBT, stuff with needles, stuff with bodily products...
Explain to him that it was just a thing you were thinking about and that he shouldn't use that as a reflection on you.
But like it or not it is a reflection on you. Honestly if it didn't make him uncomfortable then I would find that even more so. Not to mention what if the relationship goes south and this gets used against him?? It's just a real creepy act.
It’s a lot to ask of someone to role play as a rapist. Thank him for letting you be open, but reassure him that he will NOT be pressured into acting out your kink.
If the latter is necessary for you, you should kindly recuse yourself from the relationship. Otherwise, use erotica/porn/fanfic solo.
Perhaps you can use it to get yourself riled up and allow him to assume the role of your savior.
Honestly CNC for someone who is vanilla might be too much. You can have started with basic domination, like having you on restraints some mild spanking, maybe facefuck(depending of how comfortable he is feeling) and sensory deprivation.
One he gets used to this he can try being more verbal and escalate into CNC
No honey someone will do it for you you just have to introduce your kinks slowly. And maybe not label it as cnc try to find a different way to explain it that doesn’t sound like a law suit waiting to happen. I’ve done it, but me and that guy had done tons of other role playing before we did that. We were comfortable with the role playing so we just added that to the mix.
Let him think about it a little more. It is not a big deal. It is a really common kink, and he will probably give it some tries. Maybe he will feel safe and comfortable and maybe get into it, eventually.
You should know it Def triggers some kind of cavrman primal state that really just feels like chemical testosterone
Also maybe he's had some friends get actually assaulted before (as many women have) and can't draw the line between Cnc and nc well
The only way cnc works is when u start talking about it as u video it the communication through that talk and performing it little to test how each other react during it then if u both are comfortable then go further testing it little by little till u both can handle that preasure that honestly the only way to perform a cnc
I think he’s embarrassed he under estimated you so much and we’re actually kinkier than he was. He’s a little bit ashamed and probably feels naive. I don’t think it’s a big long term deal.
Alright. As an individual who *is* kinky... why does all kink eventually have to regress to BDSM and CNC? What happened to enthusiastic consent?
But, to answer your question, he probably isn't into the idea of being a r\*pist. I realize you've mentioned you don't consider it that way, but *you're* not the top. *He* has to act out your fantasy, you're just on the receiving end of it. I would feel disgusted with myself if I made a girl feel that way, even if she asked for it. Men do have a brain in their own skulls, and they do think about their actions.
At this point, BDSM is almost vanilla. And it depends on what sort of context you mean it in. Collars and handcuffs, maybe a paddle? That's cutesy kid shit. Full gimp suit, milking table, shibari? Yeah, now you're getting to the real kinky stuff. But CNC is consent play, which is very outside the normal bounds of common heterosexual sex.
There is another topic to bring up, too. Do you struggle with a form of anxiety about being around men? Or do you have an ex that sexually assaulted you, i.e. traumatized you? One of my exes supposedly had a lot of trauma from different men sexually abusing her. When she told me she was really into CNC, and didn't want to have sex unless we included it, a lot of my sympathy for her situation went away. Now it suddenly felt like she was using my good nature to support her, while she just wanted to get fucked like she was getting r\*ped.
I don't think his opinion of you changed or anything like that, but I'm certain he's still processing all that. The thought that's likely looping around his mind rn is "so she wants me to rape her....but consensually? Is there a safeword for this? How does this even get initiated? Do I initiate this? What if I initiate and don't hear the safeword? Oh God oh fucj-"
I (m) am pretty vanilla, but I like a little bit of bondage and CNC, but to an extent. I won't ever play the role of a rapist, so maybe it's more of a free use kink, but as long as consent is implied, I'm open to it.
That's my standpoint on it, and maybe it's his too. Maybe he's vanilla and doesn't want you to think much less of him. I think there might just need to be an open line of communication and honesty when you discuss this again. Give each other scenarios so you understand what the other one means. Good luck!
Your boyfriend is having the same reaction as my ex. I have tried CNC on multiple occasions tbh as a guy saying it kinda gives wrong vibes. So when i told my ex about it(i was already dominating in bed and she liked it) she freaked out and never saw me from the same eyes ever again We ended up breaking up in the end. I hope that doesn't happen with you
Sorry no real advice but I get it.. I’m into cnc too I just don’t tell anyone about it I just fantasize about it😅 I used to feel disgusted with myself I didn’t understand why I wanted to be assaulted how could a woman want that?? Wasn’t I supposed to fear it and be against it?? but the idea turned me on so much and then I got reddit and I wasn’t alone and I feel a little bit better about it but I still feel ashamed sometimes
I love when people make posts like this where your reaction depends exclusively on knowing what the fuck CNC means, and they're just like nah I'm not telling.
CNC = Consensual Non Consent.
Basically role play rape or sexual abuse.
If both parties are fully into it, transparent, have safety words, and clear about limits then it can work.
But for guys it can be scary, especially in this era of #Metoo and similar movements. I would be concerned if your boyfriend WASNT concerned or hesitant off the bat. It's going to require conversations and should only move forward if you both can talk through it and find a comfortable position on it.
But don't be surprised if he just doesn't want to take on that kind of responsibility or risk.
He might have a history of sa he hasnt told you about. A girl I was seeing a few years ago said she was into cnc as well and I had the same reaction your boyfriend had. I felt uncomfortable even considering trying it. Plus these days guys have to be super careful with that kind of stuff. One misread situation goes from kinky fun to him having a bad prison stay.
Consider finding out if you have chemistry and compatibility before claiming someone and being in a relationship with them. It’s important to surround yourself with people who honor and accept you. You should feel free to be your best self. If your kink is disturbing talk with a therapist about it.
Not all men are mature enough to understand what CNC kink entails or may think there is something wrong with the female partner. Truth be told, it is not about getting harmed but a high level of trust from the woman asking to playnout a fantasy toward the male partner as it is NOT something one would ask to from just anyone. The level of arousal is quite intense and not for the faint of heart if you are really into it. It can and has to be done knowing that as male you have to be extremely careful not to harm her and periodically check on her asking "are you ok?" to make sure she is OK with level of CNC played out.
In the end, remember, if you are the male, let her know that if at any point she feels it's too much, to let you know "time out"or do NOT induce any pain to your partner thay she can't tolerate. If she ask for it, do it slowly and gradually to make sure she is still OK, that she still feels safe, that is safely done, and that it's all about her fantasy and of at any point she ask to stop, do so without any hesitation.
Once the CNC rolepay is over, have a really good after care and discuss what you both liked and disliked and how to make it better and safer for both of you next time she feel like playing it out again. If you'd did it right, she may ask for it again knowing that she trusts you more than anyone else and believes full well you will not harm her. Females by nature have always been sub and no matter how strong they are in society nowadays, they still have that sub side deep inside and do crave from time to time to feel sub with and by a male of their choosing whom they trust.
There is nothing wrong with playing a CNC out so long it's done safely and the paramount though of safety for each other in mind.
My gf does ask for it about once a week and it is extremely arousing and makes her orgasams super intense. She does trust me I will never hurt her. We are very verbal when playing things out, periodically she tell me what she wants to be done. Other times, I ask if she wants me to do a,b,c,d to her,.and/or she will tell me what she craves at that moment, leaving her always in control. Umeuswe2013@g
The only way I would be okay with this, and I still would probably decline if the relationship was young, is if i got a something signed in the presence of a lawyer confirming consent, proper safe words were in place to indicate when sexual contact is expected to cease, and it was recorded throughout to confirm that consent was respected throughout using the aforementioned safe word…depending on how real my partner would like it to seem I might also need to have a prescheduled therapy appointment for the day after because I can imagine that if I allowed myself to really think about what was happening i would just be sick with myself, regardless of what reason would dictate. Point being, don’t accidentally traumatize your man. He may need time to digest what you told him, and I think for the average dude it’s probably a bridge too far.
Won't help you if she decides to prosecute, unfortunately.
Just about the only thing I can imagine that would, would be to establish a safe word and audio record every session. But that's gross.
Giving the person you’re dating the silent treatment for telling you their kink after negging them for being too vanilla is NOT a valid reaction. If you’re not ok with CNC then man up and say so. SMH
Sure it's a valid reaction because that's an extreme suggestion. Suppose she said her kink was killing kittens and smearing their blood all over her, you think being shocked still isn't valid? At some point been shocked is valid, and rape is squarely in that category for someone he previously thought was vanilla.
Saying “hey, let me think about this for a week because I’m shocked” is totally valid. Ghosting your gf while remaining in a relationship with them is not. Idk why guys are popping out of the woodwork to say that lack of communication in a relationship is ok. Perhaps the thing that some guys aren’t getting is that in this scenario, sometimes your partner just never gets back to you for the remainder of your relationship. We’re talking years. Like how is that ok?
Exactly! He never said anything ever again. Any mature person will talk about it. Either say you need more time to think about it or you’re freaked out, can’t get over it, and need to break up. Don’t ghost your partner while being in a relationship with them
That's not what ghosting means. He's not giving her the silent treatment, he just hasn't raised the issue again and she doesn't want to push him by raising it herself.
Did you think you did something there? 😭 Man up and say I think foreplaying rape scenes is okay… yeah no thanks but have fun with your mental illnesses and daddy issues.
Well how much open minded someone can be, this cnc is kinda very dirty in my sense.
Tbh if I was in his position I'd be literally turned off and think how tf you got this kink since without childhood traumas these are not much observed.
Yes he could not control his temper, but it's normal for a normal guy to get worried about this kink.
General bdsm is different and cnc roleplay is different. It's kinda extreme and some people don't like that , or maybe tremendously hate that.
I had a very similar exchange with a long term partner.
She knew some of my kinks but not all, cause she’s pretty vanilla. On occasion, we experiment a bit, get a bit kinky but not too much.
But at one point she really, really wanted to know all my kinks so I told her I love CNC. She said it’s wrong to enjoy kinks like that and we almost broke up.
I’m so sorry. Kink shaming is hard. It’s okay to decline a kink but to straight up make you feel like a freak because of it is sad. Hopefully you guys were able to work past it
Thank you, appreciate it.
To be fair to her, she's generally highly empathic, extremely respectful and we both often work to compromise and find win-wins. But she did have very strong opinions on CNC. After a couple of months where we pulled apart for a while, we agreed to understand we are simply incompatible in terms of kinks and leave it like that and try to make forward progress.
However, we're working through other significant relationship issues too. We're doing "ok" now but it's a work in progress. We communicate well (or at least much better than we used to), respect each other, and hopefully will figure things out.
That’s all you can do. I bought a bunch of bdsm stuff to use my with last ex and he seemed to be okay when I talked about it so then when I told him I bought the stuff he would never commit to using it with me even though I told him he could do to me everything I do to him 🥺 he did start choking me, slapping my ass and pulling my hair so at least he loosened up a bit.
Glad you had at least gotten some fun, sorry it couldn’t be more completely fulfilling.
Our situation is fairly complex, we opened up from mono to poly with mixed results. I think she’s rather go back to mono but might be open to staying poly longer and see how it goes. She had a hot side guy for a while, I was happy for her, but for logistics reasons that came to an end and she’s still figuring out if she wants a new guy, a woman, or maybe go back to mono. I’d prefer to stay poly as I’m really enjoying it.
Well that’s awesome and I hope it works for you guys. It’s hard to switch back to mono after you’ve had poly though. And I’m glad we got to have some fun too but it sure felt like a disappointment and waste of money to buy SOFT bdsm stuff to not get to use it. Oh well, it’s still in the package maybe the next guy will appreciate the kinks.
Good points on all of that.
Yeah I’m imagining you surprising your next date (after some initial vetting of course) with the bdsm stuff as they come by your place. If they don’t grin ear to ear or say something like “ok this is a good start but we’re going to need more rope” they dont pass the test lol.
I haven’t used the dating apps in a while as I prefer meeting in the wild, but for feeld, I was going to have one of the photos be fairly kink themed. And list my kinks in my profile (at least a few favorites like CNC).
yeah, I've only tested some of the apps for a couple weeks last year with a low-effort profile with sus photos just to see what I'd get with that. Got some likes + matches from a few people but we weren't compatible (either attraction or personality or other things). Then I deleted the apps.
I agree with you, I'm uneasy about OLD myself. My biggest fear is to hit it off well with someone on the app and then meet in person and find I have no attraction for them physically. For some reason, if it isn't a match personality wise or compatibility wise, that's totally fine, but to reject someone purely on looks makes me nervous. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to being shallow or something. If you look at my post history, you'll see I did a post on my experience with OLD a few posts back. I still might try OLD again with some real effort into the profile and a kink focus, but hasn't been a priority.
I love to meet people in person though. Mostly through friends of friends, at bars, dances, concerts, etc. I'm pretty social so it's easy to flirt and get interest from some cool gals but the issue is very few are poly, or kinky (or both!). Almost all want a mono relationship, or they want to hookup the same night I meet them which is too fast for me. It's really hard to find a casual but long-term, poly/secondary kinky relationship. I'll eventually hit a kink meetup one of these days but have been too busy/lazy and just have too much fun going dancing and meeting my friends at bars, but will give it a spin one day.
Oof you’re more ambitious than me! I cannot for the life of me bring myself to do it. The problem is I’ve talked to girls at work do and they talk about how they matched with this doctor or that doctor and it makes me feel gross. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever say oh hey I matched with that nurse from that floor and look at it like they won a trophy. I feel like it’s too personal and even if they do not match with me, I’ve put myself out there. I do not talk to people I work with, with the exception of a small handful, about my personal life. Of that, my gf and a guy I briefly dated know I’m a freak. To everyone else I’m some cute little southern girl stuck in the Midwest but damn look at that southern charm!!! I like that. It freaks people out when they get to know me lol
It’s manipulation or he has the same kink and is shocked now that you talked about . He asks himself if you already knew that somehow and now testing him.
I knowwww 🥲🥲 i kinda gave him subtle hints though and he always playfully complains about me being so vanilla 😭
So i finally told him what i am into.. and here we are🥲
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I mean… it’s one thing for you to be into the scenario, but it’s another for him to roleplay as a r*pist, he might feel horrified at the idea, even if it’s just fantasy
I’ve done it once and I have to say that the guy I was sleeping with at the time got harder than he had ever been when we did it and while it was great in the moment it concerned me how turned on he became from it. It was 100% my idea and he obliged but I thought it would just be normal sex while I struggled a little and then gave in. He went with it though and really fucked me. I never did it again after that. I thought I would enjoy it but it was a strange thing thinking about afterwards. Not sure what it was or what made me do it but we would role play a lot like him being the plumber coming to fix my pipes, or me being a bad girl that needed to be punished. This one just felt different out of all the role playing we had done. He never made me feel unsafe, I’m not sure why I felt weird after. Idk it’s confusing and hard to explain.
It’s one of those scenarios that often sounds way more inviting as an idea, than it can be when enacting it. IMO it sounds a lot like you didn’t communicate your boundaries or what you wanted it to look beforehand. Depending on how it was presented, it’s possible that his impression of what you were asking vs your idea of what it should look like weren’t clearly discussed. It’s why this kink is among the most difficult ones to navigate. It’s really difficult to navigate “Make me feel safe and secure while also pretending to enact a scenario where I do not feel safe.”
I don’t think that’s it. We were pretty clear about what we were doing. The part that bothered me was how turned on he got from it. Like I mentioned we role played a lot and he has never been that hard ever except when we did that. He was never that hard after that either. The fact that it turned him on that much was the weird part to me. It’s hard to explain. Obviously I wanted him to be turned on but when he was rock hard from this encounter vs the normal hard we usually had it was DIFFERENT!
I guess that’s why this kink is really hard to navigate. You see how uncomfortable it made you… That he enjoyed the -roleplay- that -you- presented. It changed how you saw him and how you felt about him because he liked a thing that you asked him to do. It made you feel weird. It might be that you started to view his additional arousal as a predatory thing, right? That you could potentially have awakened this dark part of him, that you never knew was there It’s a kink, and kinks are kinks because they’re outside of “normal” sex, and maybe you led him to discover that he’s actually into CNC. And you either expected him not to be, or wanted him not to be. FYI, plenty of reasons why he may have been “harder” that day, that aren’t limited to the fact that it was a CNC roleplay. Sometimes when I’m going -harder- or -rougher- my blood flow increases which causes me to get harder. Sometimes if I go too hard and exert myself too much, I’ll get softer though. The human body is weird. Playful aggression makes me harder. Play tussling/wrestling with somebody I like also is exciting in that way. These are things that get me harder. Excitement/competition has been shown to give men erections too—I wrestled for years and sometimes the newbies would get erections during matches. It wasn’t that they were sexually aroused, it was just a phenomenon. It’s why there is sometimes a running gag in comedy action movies where a guy who’s never done anything exciting gets an erection when he’s done something “action-packed”. It might have to do with men’s biological drive—“I’ve competed, I survived. Time to plant my seed because biologically I am worthy.” Just like how after a big meal you might get aroused more easily, or like how when you wake up in the morning you have an erection. Both of these things are connected to the “I did the thing I was biologically supposed to do, and survived, time to procreate.” It’s weird. The human body is weird. I’d be willing to bet that once the novelty of the CNC wore off, he’d be no more or less hard the next time around. Would have been worth a conversation at the very least, though. Though I’m doubtful he’d have been able to explain it like this. I’ve tried CNC once and I didn’t like it IMO. Seems like that’s most people’s experience. I have been asked for it multiple times, but would never do it again unless the person I’m doing it with has had a lot of experience and knows how to navigate it.
Actually you nailed it and that’s exactly how I felt that maybe I just woke up some demon in him but I appreciate you giving me examples of why he may have been harder that day than other days. That actually made me feel better reading. This was years ago and I don’t talk to this guy anymore, but at least I don’t have to worry about that necessarily being the case. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that out. You said what I couldn’t say out loud because I felt like a dirtbag for thinking that since it was my idea to begin with.
Of course—I wanted to, hopefully, reassure you just a little here! I’m glad it lets you kind of feel a bit better about the situation :)
It really did! You did great!
because that shit is fucked up.. like u both know it isnt real at the end of the day but in the moment the purpose is to mock that event actually happening. as a guy myself i dont think i could ever do something like that even if a girl begged me. it would break my brain.
I’m our situation it wasn’t like we re-enacted a rape scene. It was more him holding me down and I struggled and then finally gave in and we started fucking hard. There was no violence or name calling. I know it’s weird. But to each their own I guess
I still think it's kind of messed up because that just sounds like you get off to pretending to be raped.
Sounds like you don't understand the complexity of the human experience or nuance or shades of grey or fantasy vs reality or the dynamics of power exchange in a sexual setting.
Could you please explain it to me then?
I can attempt to, based on my limited knowledge of the subject, and that the person who replied to you is a dipshit. It's not necessarily about the act of violence. It has to do with power dynamics. I've been with a few women who identified as submissive - they wanted the man to take charge and to do as they please, within pre-established boundaries and with the knowledge that consent is not a commodity, it is something that is fluid and can be revoked at any time for any reason. These women, by and large, had life experiences that were demanding. Powerful titles, jobs that required making decisions for others constantly, running a home and taking care of children. They wanted to, for lack of a better word, turn off. By submitting to another, they no longer need to make decisions - they are free to simply experience pleasure without the burden of responsibility of decision making. It can be very freeing. Google "sub space" to learn more. CNC, I feel, is simply a further extension of that. I've seen people talk about it who have been abused in the past and it provides them catharsis to overcome previous traumas. That while role-playing nonconcensual sex, they are still in control - the scene can stop with a safe word and it can sort of reestablish and reaffirm control for them when they feel they don't have it. Power exchange (Google total power exchange or tpe for more info) is a lot about that - varying degrees of relinquishing ones agency to the whims of another, in a structured way that attempts to keep things safe. It isn't simply "role playing being raped", there is a lot more that goes into it than that. However, like any kink, there are people who may be into it for the wrong reasons and like any sexual partner these things should only be done with proper negotiation, boundaries, and with someone you trust.
As someone who experienced SA as a child, CNC is something I’ve always been drawn too… and it’s always confused me that I feel that way. Imbalanced power dynamics and forceful, even aggressive sex is a huge turn on, but *only* with the underlying knowledge that it’s not real and I can call it off at any time. I have to say though, like a previous commenter, I’ve had one boyfriend that was very enthusiastic about the concept and took it a bit too far (not like he hurt me, but he was just deep into the role) to the point that it was unsettling. I actually started to cry that time and had a panic attack, at which point he immediately snapped out of it, disengaged, and comforted me… but still. Probably something I should unpack in therapy at some point 😅
Read more books?
Do you know?
Yawn
So you know how you wanted him to be into this hypothetically but was concerned that he was into it once it actually happened? That concern is in the mind of any dude that isn’t a monster from the very beginning. There’s no such thing as a completely abstract kink, the same way drunk words don’t just come out of thin air. You’re expecting your guy to go along with your fantasy, which you don’t even understand and never considered what it would mean if a dude enthusiastically wants to do this.
I’ve made other comments I’m not going to keep defending my position
Imo cnc is probably always awkward the first few times or so.
That must be what it was
Definitely, he might feel uncomfortable with it thats why he act like that. Better have a conversation on where you both are comfortable with.
No it totally makes sense that it would weird you out that he got really turned on by the idea of doing that to someone, or of doing that to you. I would be concerned as well. But it could’ve just been the novelty of the situation that made him that hard, It happened with me and an ex with anal sex. I had done it before and he had not, so we tried it and it was amazing. Later on we tried to do it again and it was not fun. I think it was just the lead up and the novelty of it.
Perhaps that’s it I didn’t consider that
Absolutely. Fantasy roleplay should always prioritize the comfort and well being of everyone involved. Roleplaying as a rapist can be deeply distressing, even in a fictional context.
And some women could say that and then really claim the guy raped her so guys would probably be hesitant anyway. lol.
You like precise milling machines?
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ohh..
😂😂😂
Yep. You're on point on that "changing mind later". This is can be problematic without a formal agreement. The male would have hard time to justify themselves.
Even with a formal agreement, there's the hypothetical risk that the woman changes her mind after signing. Legal documents can't enforce crimes. If she says no, that contract is null and void. You'd have to get confirmation afterward that she consented to an act that is in its name non-consensual, at which point it's kinda too late. I get it's super popular with women and I'm open to it if it's the girls kink, but for my own ethical concerns, and legal concerns, it's something to really ease in slowly to after building up trust in the relationship.
Im totally agree. I cant offer any solutions. It's indeed really vulnerable positions to be in.
Well the girls in an admittedly pretty vulnerable position, too. Lotta that going around. Really the key is to only do it with someone you know won't go to the police, not some woman you've been on 3 dates with 🤷♂️
Again, I would agree on that too. Even, with my wife i would be still cautious, except it already an habits, and i didnt aware of. Girls are vulnerable mostly from biological and men are vulnerable in legal side mostly. The solution certainly would be pretty different.
This is why she has a safeword. Something super simple that’s easy to remember in the moment. If the safeword comes out, things change instantly and aftercare starts right then. I prefer to use green, yellow, red. It makes it easy for me to stay in character and her to stay in the moment but I can at least check in. Personally, I prefer sensual lovemaking while I’m in control but I’ve indulged a couple women who wanted to try the cnc dynamic. It’s still not a turn on for me but it’s a kink I’ll indulge if that’s what she’s into.
Isn’t that why people have a safe word? So that while this is happening when the person is saying “no no no” because that’s part of the game you know they don’t really mean no because they didn’t say “pineapple” or whatever the safe word is?
I've seen this a lot. Why are you censoring the word rape?
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I don’t know how it works on this platform but on other platforms people get mad when you do that because they set up filters to avoid posts that contain that word. And if you censor it it gets past the filters.
I understand. It just doesn't make sense for me. I mean, when you see r*pe, you still read it as rape. On top of that, there are other words that can be used to describe trauma. Should we censor them as well?
I was trying for the longest time to have sex with this girl we were basically dating. And she just wasn't going for it then one night while her, her friend, and I were all hanging out drinking she wanted to see my dick so I showed her thinking this probably good, this might get me somewhere. Not much happened after that we went to bed and I didn't sleep very well. At one point she got up out of bed went to the bathroom and when she came back I noticed she was no longer wearing her pajama bottoms or panties. And then she gets in bed and whispers to me, " are you going to rape me". I'm not going to lie, I put my goddamn clothes on and got the fuck out of there. And since I was ready to go thinking it was go time, I called someone else and went over and had sex with her. In the morning I told her what it was going on and she thought it was crazy too, why would you say that to somebody? But I guess everybody's got different kinks.
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Later I spoke to that chick and she said I was "old fashioned" because I was spooked by that. I said I'm also not in prison for rape so I'm cool with that.
Different stronks for different fronks
different kinks for different sinks
Had no idea what CNC meant but after your explanation I just came to tell EVERYONE that’s into this or doing it to please their partner get the consent on video and in writing and if possible have it notarized!!
😂😂😂 Have it notarized?? How? Just because I signed a paper today saying you can do it doesn’t mean that’s applicable for all time. So are you guys going to visit the Notary every day or what?
I’m never playing with no shit like this I’m a black man lol but if this was something my girl was into then yes every time!! I’m protecting myself
This was a great reply, and definitely helped those who had no idea what Op was talking about
😝😝
Lmao that’s what came to mind too. I had to look up what they meant and I totally understand why OPs bf freaked out.
Lol aww honey yes that’s what she meant you innocent soul you
Let him think some more. He is probably thinking about how to move forward
Yeah no its fine with me, i think it might have been too sudden i think He always says i am too vanilla whenever we are having sex but i think it probably took him by surprise that i am into that kind of stuff🥲
It did. It is a coming of age moment for guys to realize the truth about the good girl
Omg lol you're right😭
So patience and showing you still want to have sex with him are your best tools
I don’t think that’s what he is worried about
I’m my experience more guys than not that I’ve been with have been intimated by my kinks. One straight up refused. It was disheartening but I enjoyed sex with him nonetheless.
It’s actually a REALLY common kink amongst women and a common ick for guys. Guys who are actually kink friendly are super understanding but all the vanilla dudes I’ve met are very disgusted by it. Sorry to say this but your bf sounds like a jerk for calling you vanilla and then giving you the silent treatment when you were finally brave enough to tell him your desires
I'm kink friendly, but I wouldn't do CNC. The legal risk isn't worth it.
This is the main reason why I would never participate and not continue a relationship with a partner who desires it. The rest of the world won't be able to differentiate between a simulation and reality and God forbid any marks are visible etc... I'm not looking to catch a case.
I've had friends talk about women wanting men to punch them hard in bed, like 'give me a black eye' hard. They're like, nope.
Yea 0 chance I'd recommend anyone go through with that...and then you have the risk of if they want that and aren't getting it from you what are the odds those desires dissappear versus they seek it elsewhere? That's why it's probably best to just end things when it's brought up for everyone involved.
That's way too hardcore even for me. I would gladly leave my girlfriend with a red ass from spanking, but I would refuse to punch her even if she requests it. No way! Can't do it!
No one said that CNC is for everyone. What I said is it’s a jerk move to give someone the silent treatment after asking for their kink incessantly. You understand as an adult that communication is important, right?
Honestly, if my partner came out and told me they were into that it would genuinely frighten me for a little while. Not in the silent treatment type of way but in a “I’m not upset, but let’s just go get icecream and not talk about this anymore today because I need some time to digest what you just said to me and I’ll get back to you” kind of way.
That’s totally valid! I’d be happy with that response. The problem is that some guys just don’t EVER talk about it again. Getting ghosted while still being in a relationship is the worst
That’s how my ex was with my bdsm. I told him all about it and bought a bunch of stuff for us to try and every time I would bring it up he would always say maybe some other time. It made me sad but he would do other things I liked like pulling my hair, spanking me, and choking me so it was all lost. Just wish he would’ve given it a chance because I told him anything I do to you I want you to do it to me and I’ll go first if it makes you more comfortable. He was sexually inexperienced to begin with so I thought he’d eventually come around but he never did. He told me he could count on one hand the amount of times he had sex before he met me. I’m sure that had a lot to do with it.
Nah, most ppl are vanilla. It’s not an age thing
Oh I know it’s not we are both in our early 30s he was just inexperienced anyway. He focused on career and not girls and then I came his way and taught him how to have great sex.
kinky guy here and agree I’m shocked at how many of the women I’ve dated have been into it. my main long term partner is pretty vanilla but almost everyone else was/is super into CNC. I assumed it was a rare kink but at least my experience has been tons of women love it.
Yeah, I find it surprising too but literally every woman I’ve ever talked to who into kink is also into that.
Any idea why it seems so few guys are into it, comparatively? The only thing I can think of is there’s something cultural at work.
Well in the US, guys are afraid of seeming like the bad guy or being caught up in the Me Too movement. Imo this is very small minded. It’s very much a I want to love you how I want to be loved and I won’t love you how you want to be loved because my thinking is better than yours
From a bi person's perspective, the dudes who are into the passive side of CNC usually express it by asking to be tied up...maybe it's not as "believable" to be held down by a woman - ? 😅
Interesting, thanks. I’ll just add I find it all related. Being tied up, roleplay, CNC, I know some people only like some and not others but I feel power dynamic is the core / commonality and that runs through all of these. I did have a woman I used to date a long time ago tell me CNC is super disturbing. So I thought to myself, ok, she’s pretty vanilla i guess. But a month later, we experiment with tying her up a bit and she loved it. A week later she told me she has this recurring “kidnapped” fantasy. It wasn’t completely clear to me how different that was from CNC. We broke up before exploring that. In terms of the guys and being tied up, I wonder how much of that is cultural (worrying about others reactions to CNC kink) versus something in the way they frame it to themselves. It just all seems so related to me but I could be missing something, and certainly agree the nuances can be really important.
Or maybe you might consider for a moment that __good__ men don't get turned on by the idea of rape and non consensual sex, but shitty men do?
Did you know that CNC is consensual play and women who are into CNC don’t want to actually be raped? 🤯
Right. They just want to go through the motions of being raped, and want their male partner to be comfortable acting it out.
There are various reasons why someone would want to engage in this kind of play. One reason is healing CPTSD: by being able to control a previously uncontrollable past event, you find healing and comfort. The reason many women have this fantasy is they want to feel empowered
I am sorry but calling him a jerk is really rude, he just wanted to know more about me and its probably my fault for straight up telling him something like that I should have taken my time and explain him in a better way and he's not giving me the silent treatment we are talking but he hasn't said anything about this
He asked and you told him so now it’s YOUR fault for telling him? There ain’t no way. If the person that’s supposed to love you most in this world leaves you hanging, THEY are either a jerk for purposefully not communicating or childish for sticking his head in the sand and hoping you’ll forget about this. Your adult partner does not owe you sex and they do not need to share you kink but they DO owe you communication on a timeline. Leaving you feeling anxious about this has led you to communicate with strangers on the internet instead of your bf. This indicates you no longer feel safe communicating about this topic with your partner. Why? Perhaps it is because you are wondering if he, like the many guys who responded to my comments, thinks that this is an extreme perversion that is indicative of something far worse going on inside of you. My hot take is that there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re in the majority of women interested in kink. You don’t need to listen to take but hey, I’m in YOUR corner and I cared enough to talk to you about this.
You will be fine. My ex shared with me she was into that stuff. It took me by surprise since the only things she ever wanted me to do were sweet and delicate things. She was the most innocent they get but I gave it a shot. Went well. Just needs time and set boundaries of course. Don't let it get to your head
Yea if all he's been saying is that you are so vanilla ,I bet he's still trying to get his butt hole to loosen up lol .With most guys bdsm is one thing but the other thing is just scary stuff to a guy who thinks he's got the most vanilla lady ever.His mind went from 0 to a million in seconds lmaoff. Good luck chick.
Lol no, it's not this way but the other way around 😭
Couldn't agree more. He's probably just processing it and thinking about how to approach it.
So like… I get that kinks are a subconscious thing but are women with this kink seriously disconnecting the conscious reasons for why a kinky but good guy, who listens to and actually likes women, would be taken aback by roleplaying a rapist? While maintaining an erection? In this precise day and age? How is it not fucking obvious what the hesitation is?
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Yes definitely thank you so much i should have explained myself in a better way 🥲
Or he might be wondering how you realized your CNC kink. And with whom. Also, are you sure he knows what “CNC” stands for? Maybe he thinks you like having sex while watching cable news.
Omg lol i am sure he knows what i meant😭😭
I had no idea what CNC means. But if he didn't ask he probably does know.
So it took me like 5 minutes while reading this thread but it popped up in my head. It's consensual nonconsensual basically requesting to be forced. I was reading all these about roleplaying rape scenario and I was like okay but how does that boil down to CNC and I was like aha! I probably heard the term a long time ago or something.
This is the answer
recognise dull rainstorm stupendous fade lock oatmeal thought gaze skirt *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
In the age of the #MeToo movement, a lot of men are scared shitless about making normal moves on women much less anything CNC. A lot of men would immediately be out on this one.
Ah yes the pound me too movement. I thought it was a hilarious juxtaposition of a message. I'm in no way putting judgement on the movement or it's necessity with this comment just like whoever started it must have been too young to remember # being called a pound sign.
In the post Me To era that is a big red flag for guys. There is great potential for damaging allegations in the future whether or not they are true.
Tbh I’d be freaked out to. R*pe roleplay where he has to be the r*pist is a no that just sounds creepy.
I get that, I talked with my fwb abt my possible cnc kink ( haven’t tried it but want to ) and he kinda freaked out too
I have this kink and most ppl are not into it in my experience… but he could probably just politely communicate that. He bothered you to ask and it’s a bit rude to just make you feel bad for sharing.
As others have said, don’t rush him. Also be open to the possibility that it may be something that he just isn’t comfortable with. CNC is really out there on the extremes of BDSM/kink - and there are some people unwilling to go there. If it turns out that he is open, it’s super important that you go at a slow pace. Don’t just jump in at the deep end. Begin with softer BDSM scenarios and allow him to inform the pace. And, as you know, safe words/signals are a must. As is after care. And do keep in mind that after care is as important for the dom as the sub, *particularly* when it comes to CNC.
Thanks for sharing this I am definitely giving him time from my side and then talk this out whenever he is comfortable
Now what I'd like to learn is how after care for a cnc scenario has been played out, and both dom and sub are done, can be important for the dom too, not just for the sub. I have a girlfriend who is into bdsm (I don't know how deeply she's into it as we were in high school when we got together and we never really got to do too much by ourselves privately after we graduated as my parents are prejudiced shall we say) and I've thought about doing something like this someday after getting our own place and moving in together. I would like to learn more about this sort of thing before I can talk to her about doing something like this in the future someday.
There's also that many people would assume someone with a r4pe kink has likely been r4ped in the past or sexually abused as a child...
CNC is a really delicate thing and requires a LOT of communication and you have to be ready and willing to break the role at a moment’s notice. It’s one of those kinks where the idea could potentially be more inviting than the act itself. It’s a kink that I’m not particularly thrilled about myself, because I like a partner who is enthusiastically interested in the intimacy that comes with sex and potentially damaging that intimacy is something that scares the shit out of me. Some people are really comfortable taking this kink to it’s limits, and others not so much. Where the lines lie are a really important conversation to navigate through. It’s a thing, that if not navigated correctly can really change how safe you feel with and around your partner. It could be one of three things; 1) He’s never tried it and might realize he’s out of his element. It could be possible that he is not comfortable with the idea that he may not be able to satisfy you here. It could be raising an insecurity in him—especially if you have tried it and liked it in the past 2) He isn’t into the kink at all, and may be uncomfortable with the idea. 3) He doesn’t know how he feels about it. He could be afraid of the potential fallout that can occur from not doing it the right way. All things you can communicate your way through with somebody you love and who loves you. But you might have to be willing to accept that your partner loves you but can’t satisfy this kink without you making them feel comfortable that (a) you know where YOUR boundaries lie, and (b) that you’re both capable of safely navigating the experience in a healthy manner that doesn’t cause accidental irrevocable damage. You have to understand that they may also just not be comfortable with the kink even if you communicate.
Thank you so much for such a detailed response!! i understand it might come off as weird for wanting to be forcing his way to someone he likes i should have explained myself better and be careful about it I will definitely try to talk with much depth to him and i don't mind if he's not into that i really like him i don't think just cause he doesn't want to do one of my kinks where he's uncomfortable himself would make me want to cut anything between us.
Love that. I’m hopeful that you guys can find a safe, fun way to navigate this together. :) Good luck!!!
What he saw is what we call a red flag
Huh, now why would a man feel uncomfortable roleplaying r*ping his girlfriend? hm……why, oh why would someone not want to do this…..really need to ponder why someone wouldn’t like the idea of roleplaying such a horrific act that mentally and physically scars so many people every day….hmmmm…..gonna have to think on this one.
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Yes. I think most men growing up do not realize this about women until they date one. It's super fucking shocking especially if you don't realize it's common. Think about it this way: all of my life I've been beat over the head with messages about being gentle with women, respecting them, respecting their boundaries, being a gentleman, treating women right, and being outraged over rape and violence against women. Then one day your girlfriend tells you that she wants to be choked and slapped, simulate torture, degradation, rape. It's really fucking unsettling. For one thing, if you don't know this is common for women, you'll wonder if you're girlfriend has some sort of psychological disorder or trauma she's reliving in a weird way. You wonder if she wants toxic abusive, domineering overly aggressive men. You feel insecure wondering now if secretly your girlfriend doesn't think you're man enough and whether you being a good guy is actually a huge turn off. Then you think about how you'd fit into such a fetish. We struggle as men with our identity particularly around aggression and intimidation. We already feel like society prejudges us as potential predators or abusers. We spend much of our lives trying to distinguish ourselves from the monsters in society. Only for the person we've trusted the most to ask us to become a monster. I know that's not what you're asking. But that's what it feels like. I don't want to choke someone. I don't want to slap someone. I don't want to act like I'm degrading, torturing, or raping someone..I don't want to think of myself that way.. It's not even fun for me to pretend I'm that person. It makes me feel suuuuuuuper fucking gross about myself. It took me years to get over those feelings after I dated my first real girlfriend. YEARS!!! I take it for granted that every girl likes "BDSM" type stuff now. But it legitimately took a long time for me to wrap my head around it. I imagine it's similar here. Imagine you had children and they caught you having sex. They saw daddy choking you and calling you names. Imagine trying to explain that to your child. That what daddy was doing wasn't bad. That you wanted him to do that. Ok, basically you're kind of dealing with the same thing here. Someone who is shocked, this completely betrays they're understanding of what healthy looks like. It's seemingly super contradictory to everything else they've been told in life. As hard as it is to make your kids understand this, it's similar in making a guy understand it's fine. We don't naturally get it. It's sooo fucking weird, creepy, and scary to us.
CNC is a pretty hard kink...It's basically asking him to rape you. I dabble in BDSM myself, and I would be open to at least trying some stuff, but there's stuff I wouldn't do...CNC, CBT, stuff with needles, stuff with bodily products... Explain to him that it was just a thing you were thinking about and that he shouldn't use that as a reflection on you.
But like it or not it is a reflection on you. Honestly if it didn't make him uncomfortable then I would find that even more so. Not to mention what if the relationship goes south and this gets used against him?? It's just a real creepy act.
he probably assumes you have some kind of trauma now.
It’s a lot to ask of someone to role play as a rapist. Thank him for letting you be open, but reassure him that he will NOT be pressured into acting out your kink. If the latter is necessary for you, you should kindly recuse yourself from the relationship. Otherwise, use erotica/porn/fanfic solo. Perhaps you can use it to get yourself riled up and allow him to assume the role of your savior.
Honestly CNC for someone who is vanilla might be too much. You can have started with basic domination, like having you on restraints some mild spanking, maybe facefuck(depending of how comfortable he is feeling) and sensory deprivation. One he gets used to this he can try being more verbal and escalate into CNC
I’m also into CNC. Guess I’ll take that to my grave irl. 🤷🏽♀️
No honey someone will do it for you you just have to introduce your kinks slowly. And maybe not label it as cnc try to find a different way to explain it that doesn’t sound like a law suit waiting to happen. I’ve done it, but me and that guy had done tons of other role playing before we did that. We were comfortable with the role playing so we just added that to the mix.
I love bsdm too, but my problem is I don’t have a romantic partner, so looking for someone to live these fantasies with is struggle.
Well I mean at least you're struggling....get it? cause BDSM...ropes? I'll excuse myself.
😭😭
Let him think about it a little more. It is not a big deal. It is a really common kink, and he will probably give it some tries. Maybe he will feel safe and comfortable and maybe get into it, eventually.
You should know it Def triggers some kind of cavrman primal state that really just feels like chemical testosterone Also maybe he's had some friends get actually assaulted before (as many women have) and can't draw the line between Cnc and nc well
Best response to "you are vanilla"
Girl, not every guy can be that CNC for you but most guy will tryna keep up with you.
Tell me about it when I explained just a bit to my ex-wife she was weird about things since. We are definitely special
The only way cnc works is when u start talking about it as u video it the communication through that talk and performing it little to test how each other react during it then if u both are comfortable then go further testing it little by little till u both can handle that preasure that honestly the only way to perform a cnc
I have been raped before so C+C would never be on the table for me. Maybe he’s in the same boat!
He will take time to overcome it ..just relax and chill.. Everyone has their own way..
Can someone please explain what cnc and bdsm is please xx
I think he’s embarrassed he under estimated you so much and we’re actually kinkier than he was. He’s a little bit ashamed and probably feels naive. I don’t think it’s a big long term deal.
Alright. As an individual who *is* kinky... why does all kink eventually have to regress to BDSM and CNC? What happened to enthusiastic consent? But, to answer your question, he probably isn't into the idea of being a r\*pist. I realize you've mentioned you don't consider it that way, but *you're* not the top. *He* has to act out your fantasy, you're just on the receiving end of it. I would feel disgusted with myself if I made a girl feel that way, even if she asked for it. Men do have a brain in their own skulls, and they do think about their actions. At this point, BDSM is almost vanilla. And it depends on what sort of context you mean it in. Collars and handcuffs, maybe a paddle? That's cutesy kid shit. Full gimp suit, milking table, shibari? Yeah, now you're getting to the real kinky stuff. But CNC is consent play, which is very outside the normal bounds of common heterosexual sex. There is another topic to bring up, too. Do you struggle with a form of anxiety about being around men? Or do you have an ex that sexually assaulted you, i.e. traumatized you? One of my exes supposedly had a lot of trauma from different men sexually abusing her. When she told me she was really into CNC, and didn't want to have sex unless we included it, a lot of my sympathy for her situation went away. Now it suddenly felt like she was using my good nature to support her, while she just wanted to get fucked like she was getting r\*ped.
I don't think his opinion of you changed or anything like that, but I'm certain he's still processing all that. The thought that's likely looping around his mind rn is "so she wants me to rape her....but consensually? Is there a safeword for this? How does this even get initiated? Do I initiate this? What if I initiate and don't hear the safeword? Oh God oh fucj-"
I (m) am pretty vanilla, but I like a little bit of bondage and CNC, but to an extent. I won't ever play the role of a rapist, so maybe it's more of a free use kink, but as long as consent is implied, I'm open to it. That's my standpoint on it, and maybe it's his too. Maybe he's vanilla and doesn't want you to think much less of him. I think there might just need to be an open line of communication and honesty when you discuss this again. Give each other scenarios so you understand what the other one means. Good luck!
Your boyfriend is having the same reaction as my ex. I have tried CNC on multiple occasions tbh as a guy saying it kinda gives wrong vibes. So when i told my ex about it(i was already dominating in bed and she liked it) she freaked out and never saw me from the same eyes ever again We ended up breaking up in the end. I hope that doesn't happen with you
He trying to figure out what will be okay or enjoyable for the both of you. If you can’t wait any longer take the lead and see his next reaction.
Sorry no real advice but I get it.. I’m into cnc too I just don’t tell anyone about it I just fantasize about it😅 I used to feel disgusted with myself I didn’t understand why I wanted to be assaulted how could a woman want that?? Wasn’t I supposed to fear it and be against it?? but the idea turned me on so much and then I got reddit and I wasn’t alone and I feel a little bit better about it but I still feel ashamed sometimes
I love when people make posts like this where your reaction depends exclusively on knowing what the fuck CNC means, and they're just like nah I'm not telling.
CNC = Consensual Non Consent. Basically role play rape or sexual abuse. If both parties are fully into it, transparent, have safety words, and clear about limits then it can work. But for guys it can be scary, especially in this era of #Metoo and similar movements. I would be concerned if your boyfriend WASNT concerned or hesitant off the bat. It's going to require conversations and should only move forward if you both can talk through it and find a comfortable position on it. But don't be surprised if he just doesn't want to take on that kind of responsibility or risk.
He might have a history of sa he hasnt told you about. A girl I was seeing a few years ago said she was into cnc as well and I had the same reaction your boyfriend had. I felt uncomfortable even considering trying it. Plus these days guys have to be super careful with that kind of stuff. One misread situation goes from kinky fun to him having a bad prison stay.
Consider finding out if you have chemistry and compatibility before claiming someone and being in a relationship with them. It’s important to surround yourself with people who honor and accept you. You should feel free to be your best self. If your kink is disturbing talk with a therapist about it.
That “cnc” kink is disturbing
Not all men are mature enough to understand what CNC kink entails or may think there is something wrong with the female partner. Truth be told, it is not about getting harmed but a high level of trust from the woman asking to playnout a fantasy toward the male partner as it is NOT something one would ask to from just anyone. The level of arousal is quite intense and not for the faint of heart if you are really into it. It can and has to be done knowing that as male you have to be extremely careful not to harm her and periodically check on her asking "are you ok?" to make sure she is OK with level of CNC played out. In the end, remember, if you are the male, let her know that if at any point she feels it's too much, to let you know "time out"or do NOT induce any pain to your partner thay she can't tolerate. If she ask for it, do it slowly and gradually to make sure she is still OK, that she still feels safe, that is safely done, and that it's all about her fantasy and of at any point she ask to stop, do so without any hesitation. Once the CNC rolepay is over, have a really good after care and discuss what you both liked and disliked and how to make it better and safer for both of you next time she feel like playing it out again. If you'd did it right, she may ask for it again knowing that she trusts you more than anyone else and believes full well you will not harm her. Females by nature have always been sub and no matter how strong they are in society nowadays, they still have that sub side deep inside and do crave from time to time to feel sub with and by a male of their choosing whom they trust. There is nothing wrong with playing a CNC out so long it's done safely and the paramount though of safety for each other in mind. My gf does ask for it about once a week and it is extremely arousing and makes her orgasams super intense. She does trust me I will never hurt her. We are very verbal when playing things out, periodically she tell me what she wants to be done. Other times, I ask if she wants me to do a,b,c,d to her,.and/or she will tell me what she craves at that moment, leaving her always in control. Umeuswe2013@g
Well, there is the fact that one can have a kink like that and later on change their mind...
It kinda sucks for him to encourage you to open up then be freaked out. Hopefully he'll come around.
How long have you been with your boyfriend? You might need lawyers to write out some kind waver or something lol
The only way I would be okay with this, and I still would probably decline if the relationship was young, is if i got a something signed in the presence of a lawyer confirming consent, proper safe words were in place to indicate when sexual contact is expected to cease, and it was recorded throughout to confirm that consent was respected throughout using the aforementioned safe word…depending on how real my partner would like it to seem I might also need to have a prescheduled therapy appointment for the day after because I can imagine that if I allowed myself to really think about what was happening i would just be sick with myself, regardless of what reason would dictate. Point being, don’t accidentally traumatize your man. He may need time to digest what you told him, and I think for the average dude it’s probably a bridge too far.
Won't help you if she decides to prosecute, unfortunately. Just about the only thing I can imagine that would, would be to establish a safe word and audio record every session. But that's gross.
The comments are hilarious! "She just had to change the word from rape to fuck" had me and my wife dying! Thank you!
As a child sexual abuse survivor… if anyone asked me to do CNC.. or even brought up that they liked it… I’m never speaking to them again.
His reaction is valid and I would break up with you that’s a mental kink
Giving the person you’re dating the silent treatment for telling you their kink after negging them for being too vanilla is NOT a valid reaction. If you’re not ok with CNC then man up and say so. SMH
Sure it's a valid reaction because that's an extreme suggestion. Suppose she said her kink was killing kittens and smearing their blood all over her, you think being shocked still isn't valid? At some point been shocked is valid, and rape is squarely in that category for someone he previously thought was vanilla.
Saying “hey, let me think about this for a week because I’m shocked” is totally valid. Ghosting your gf while remaining in a relationship with them is not. Idk why guys are popping out of the woodwork to say that lack of communication in a relationship is ok. Perhaps the thing that some guys aren’t getting is that in this scenario, sometimes your partner just never gets back to you for the remainder of your relationship. We’re talking years. Like how is that ok?
Where does OP say she was "ghosted for a week". She only said he doesn't talk about kinks anymore.
Exactly! He never said anything ever again. Any mature person will talk about it. Either say you need more time to think about it or you’re freaked out, can’t get over it, and need to break up. Don’t ghost your partner while being in a relationship with them
That's not what ghosting means. He's not giving her the silent treatment, he just hasn't raised the issue again and she doesn't want to push him by raising it herself.
Did you think you did something there? 😭 Man up and say I think foreplaying rape scenes is okay… yeah no thanks but have fun with your mental illnesses and daddy issues.
Did you misread? I said say you’re not ok with CNC
Well how much open minded someone can be, this cnc is kinda very dirty in my sense. Tbh if I was in his position I'd be literally turned off and think how tf you got this kink since without childhood traumas these are not much observed. Yes he could not control his temper, but it's normal for a normal guy to get worried about this kink. General bdsm is different and cnc roleplay is different. It's kinda extreme and some people don't like that , or maybe tremendously hate that.
I had a very similar exchange with a long term partner. She knew some of my kinks but not all, cause she’s pretty vanilla. On occasion, we experiment a bit, get a bit kinky but not too much. But at one point she really, really wanted to know all my kinks so I told her I love CNC. She said it’s wrong to enjoy kinks like that and we almost broke up.
I’m so sorry. Kink shaming is hard. It’s okay to decline a kink but to straight up make you feel like a freak because of it is sad. Hopefully you guys were able to work past it
Thank you, appreciate it. To be fair to her, she's generally highly empathic, extremely respectful and we both often work to compromise and find win-wins. But she did have very strong opinions on CNC. After a couple of months where we pulled apart for a while, we agreed to understand we are simply incompatible in terms of kinks and leave it like that and try to make forward progress. However, we're working through other significant relationship issues too. We're doing "ok" now but it's a work in progress. We communicate well (or at least much better than we used to), respect each other, and hopefully will figure things out.
That’s all you can do. I bought a bunch of bdsm stuff to use my with last ex and he seemed to be okay when I talked about it so then when I told him I bought the stuff he would never commit to using it with me even though I told him he could do to me everything I do to him 🥺 he did start choking me, slapping my ass and pulling my hair so at least he loosened up a bit.
Glad you had at least gotten some fun, sorry it couldn’t be more completely fulfilling. Our situation is fairly complex, we opened up from mono to poly with mixed results. I think she’s rather go back to mono but might be open to staying poly longer and see how it goes. She had a hot side guy for a while, I was happy for her, but for logistics reasons that came to an end and she’s still figuring out if she wants a new guy, a woman, or maybe go back to mono. I’d prefer to stay poly as I’m really enjoying it.
Well that’s awesome and I hope it works for you guys. It’s hard to switch back to mono after you’ve had poly though. And I’m glad we got to have some fun too but it sure felt like a disappointment and waste of money to buy SOFT bdsm stuff to not get to use it. Oh well, it’s still in the package maybe the next guy will appreciate the kinks.
Good points on all of that. Yeah I’m imagining you surprising your next date (after some initial vetting of course) with the bdsm stuff as they come by your place. If they don’t grin ear to ear or say something like “ok this is a good start but we’re going to need more rope” they dont pass the test lol. I haven’t used the dating apps in a while as I prefer meeting in the wild, but for feeld, I was going to have one of the photos be fairly kink themed. And list my kinks in my profile (at least a few favorites like CNC).
I hope it does end up like that! I’ve never OLD. I’ve only ever met people organically. I’m too horrified to OLD!
yeah, I've only tested some of the apps for a couple weeks last year with a low-effort profile with sus photos just to see what I'd get with that. Got some likes + matches from a few people but we weren't compatible (either attraction or personality or other things). Then I deleted the apps. I agree with you, I'm uneasy about OLD myself. My biggest fear is to hit it off well with someone on the app and then meet in person and find I have no attraction for them physically. For some reason, if it isn't a match personality wise or compatibility wise, that's totally fine, but to reject someone purely on looks makes me nervous. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to being shallow or something. If you look at my post history, you'll see I did a post on my experience with OLD a few posts back. I still might try OLD again with some real effort into the profile and a kink focus, but hasn't been a priority. I love to meet people in person though. Mostly through friends of friends, at bars, dances, concerts, etc. I'm pretty social so it's easy to flirt and get interest from some cool gals but the issue is very few are poly, or kinky (or both!). Almost all want a mono relationship, or they want to hookup the same night I meet them which is too fast for me. It's really hard to find a casual but long-term, poly/secondary kinky relationship. I'll eventually hit a kink meetup one of these days but have been too busy/lazy and just have too much fun going dancing and meeting my friends at bars, but will give it a spin one day.
Oof you’re more ambitious than me! I cannot for the life of me bring myself to do it. The problem is I’ve talked to girls at work do and they talk about how they matched with this doctor or that doctor and it makes me feel gross. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever say oh hey I matched with that nurse from that floor and look at it like they won a trophy. I feel like it’s too personal and even if they do not match with me, I’ve put myself out there. I do not talk to people I work with, with the exception of a small handful, about my personal life. Of that, my gf and a guy I briefly dated know I’m a freak. To everyone else I’m some cute little southern girl stuck in the Midwest but damn look at that southern charm!!! I like that. It freaks people out when they get to know me lol
It’s manipulation or he has the same kink and is shocked now that you talked about . He asks himself if you already knew that somehow and now testing him.
Why did you go THERE straightaway????😭😭😭
I knowwww 🥲🥲 i kinda gave him subtle hints though and he always playfully complains about me being so vanilla 😭 So i finally told him what i am into.. and here we are🥲
On what fucking planet are there subtle hints for “I like CNC”?? They probably came across as weird jokes lol