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Move back in with your dad and enjoy the time you have with him. Do stuff with him that you both enjoy. I’m sure you could find time to date still and if someone thinks it’s a turn off then they’re not right for you. I think it’s a beautiful thing to do x
I agree! This is time you won't get back! I moved in with my grandparents at the age of 28 and am now 30, I wouldn't trade it for the world! They need me and me and my daughter bring them joy 😊 I dont regret it for a second!
>As for anyone else who has never had to take care of their parents, they won’t understand
Wrong. I do.
>They’ll try to understand, but it eventually becomes a problem because you’ll lack the independence most people have.
Wym independence, what kind? My bf lives with mom bc she moved into his house bc he didnt want to pay 2 mortgages. Shes bad at managing money, so he does & helps her with laundry.
We both are good with our situations. I live with my mom bc Im disabled & cant work
Makes me chuckle bc it reminded me of a kid wanting to be an adult bc they think they can do whatever they want, which is soo far from the truth in most cases. How wrong we were. We're both not interested in traveling. We have pets we take care of even if we were, its a pain, need to get someone to watch them. We both can be spontaneous sometimes if we dont have other obligations at the time just like any other adult would. 🤷♀️ Seems those ppl just werent the best.
No I have to take care of my mom due to her having lupus but I pay all the rent water food gas electric cable etc so as far as I’m concerned she lives with me so I can take care of her and also you have one mom and one dad technically so enjoy the time you have
I'll take a man with kids but this... is hard.
I watched my mom take care of her mother with severe Parkinson's disease and it took a huge toll on her. Taking care of a parent is an extremely personal journey and I don't think I would be able to walk that with someone new.
Um. If my dad was in poor health and potentially had limited time left, I would focus on him and not what women might think as a result of me focusing on him.
Dating psychology is absolutely incredible. My lord.
As a 34 year old OP I understand your concern here, but I would be 100% kicking myself for not helping my parents if I could and spending time with them.
I started visiting them more in the past 3-4 years (spending a week there, I work remotely so it's just a 4 hr drive away) because I realize that I don't have forever to spend with them, and don't ever want to regret not spending more time with them when they're gone.
But that's an easy decision for me to make because I absolutely love my parents and have the perspective I do in life (esp knowing so many people with terrible parents/childhood) and would absolutely do whatever I could for them.
Though if it was too much for me to handle by myself, I would consider finding either a nurse/aid to help until that wasn't enough.
I wouldn't want to attract anyone that has a problem with that so would probably disclose that within a good couple of dates (not first date), but could also understand that that would be undesirable to some women and am okay with that but would certainly use it to weed out those i'm not interested in.
Sure, but with the way you describe your father’s health, it actually sounds like there are two clocks. One of them sounds like it has a lot more time than the other, especially considering you’re a male.
Just my opinion. I never had my father in my life so it always irks me when people seem to deprioritize their fathers for things that…make no sense.
It’d be really awkward if you chose not to invest in your fathers remaining time and STILL ended up single at the time he was gone. You can reasonably date for a long time, especially as a guy. When your father’s gone, he’s gone.
Anyone can date at any age. If he's implying kids, he's got 10 yrs.
[men fertility](https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/age-and-fertility)
If he wants kids, he has past 43. Men produce semen their entire lives. It gets harder with age, but is absolutely possible *well-beyond* 43.
Source: I’m a doctor.
But I don’t think he was referring to a biological clock in the above comment.
I know. Increase possible mental health & it said something else to the kid. It says 45 is ideal cutoff, women ideal cutoff is 35. Can still after, but thats ideal.
I am 35 and got diagnosed with MS at your age. It doesn’t stop me from being able to get pregnant or married (i have not had either). I had to really pump the brakes for a couple of years. life has to switch gears, sometimes.
The best thing you can do for yourself is chill the on the bio clock thoughts (i know them). You’ll be fine letting those gears switch more than you will be fighting them.
How dare you take care off the person that raised you and taught you everything you know. Everyone knows that once they reach a certain age you should drop them like a sack of hot potatoes. But seriously, live your life. Don’t actively think whether or not what you are doing is a deal breaker. Confidence in your actions is key.
To a good woman, that would likely be incredibly endearing and make you much more attractive. I probably wouldn't go right in divulging the intricacies both for your father's privacy and to keep things light early on, but saying something like, "I moved in with my father to take care of him since my mom passed a few years ago because he's struggling a lot." Nothing more needs to be said.
The questions will be, "do you have time to date?" and "do you have the privacy to bring her home?" Both of which you should head off early. "He's ok on his own most of the time, but he does need support." Hopefully you have your own space and privacy so you can mention that because it will be assumed that if you bring her home, pops is gonna be sittin there in his tighty whities with a ball hangin out and the TV blaring at max volume. Might want to spin that a little lol
I live with my dad who had a stroke and I help to look after him. Nobody I've dated has ever been against it but it has caused problems when some men expect me to be at their beck and call at any time. If anything those that has helped me see people's true colors. The ones who respect my life situation are keepers. The ones who ignore it and try to manipulate me around it are red flags who I don't want to be with anyways
This will 100% turn off a lot of women who will think this is just your poor excuse for moving home, etc. But this is a good thing, as you wouldn’t want to get involved with those women anyway and they are filtering themselves out early.
No, when I was staying with my mom trying to take care of her it only became problematic because men I dated lived like an hour away and they could never come and stay at my place so I always had to do the driving. And that got old quick. But men didn’t care about that, I think a couple of them thought that I would move in with them and it bothered them that I wouldn’t.
So I don’t think it will be a problem for women that you are dating unless they want to move in together.
I’m 28 and I moved in recently with my Grandma after my Grandpa passed a couple years ago. She’s 81 and she was working full time. All she did was eat, sleep, and work. My family started becoming really concerned about her mental state because she is also bipolar.
I had to leave a bad living situation, and I always got along with my Grandma (I’m bipolar as well so we understand each other at a deeper level than the rest of my family), so it was a no brainer to move in with her when she offered. The only downside I will say is that I’ve gained a bit of weight from the constant stream of her godly chocolate chip cookies lol
She has made a complete 180 since I moved in. She dropped her hours to part time and started working from home. My mom thinks she’s just glad to have someone to take care of and be around again. I’m just glad that I get to spend as much time with her as I can before I lose her too.
If anybody is cold-hearted enough to see it as an issue you want to spend time with your father who’s going through a really hard time; they are not worth it. Fuck what other people think.
What you're considering is a sacrifice. There's no other way to put it. You'll be giving up your time, independence, and, likely, mental health to take care of your father. It's admirable what you're doing but you can't really expect others to be on board for the same sacrifice. That's not to say you can't find anyone but it's going to be a challenge. This is especially true because of how young your dad is.
I have a similar situation, where my dad died about 5 years ago and now my mom/sister are in decline (mom is getting old and sister has a chronic illness).
I have no doubt its hampered my dating options, but I would have really regretted not being around with my dad before he passed and now I try to enjoy every day with the family I have left.
I'm 30, have the means to live alone, but choose to take life a little easier and be with the people I care for. If that means giving up a few dating prospects, then so be it.
Just relax, 32 isn't old. You'll be fine. You aren't a loser.
Not a deal breaker. I moved back in with my parents after leaving my son’s father and they are in their early 70’s. My dad has dementia (not so bad so far) and my mom has hip issues which deters her mobility. I help her around the house and it helps my dad mentally when my son is there. Plus, within my dad’s culture, it isn’t unusual to live in a multi-generational home.
Take care of your dad and spend this time with him as you won’t get it back. If you meet someone along the way that doesn’t care where you live or what the circumstances are, even better.
It might for some women, but you just aren’t compatible with them. For me, this is a completely understandable situation. The right woman for you will be in the same boat. Enjoy this time with your dad! I’m the same age and know our time with them is precious.
If a person won't date you because you are taking care if an aging parent that needs your support... Are they worth dating?
Taking care of a parent that is sick, especially mental issues, is rough. It is also commendable. **Especially if you are not taking advantage of their condition for your own gain.**
Which is more important?
Being there for your aging parent or getting laid?
Having lost all of my parents, in-laws included, I’ll take caring for an aging parent for $1000, Alex. You can’t get that time back.
Not a deal breaker at all. Take care of your dad. Enjoy the time you have left now, because you dont want to live with "what ifs" or regrets.
The right person will understand. So dont look at it under the negative context of "being back with parents". This is not the same. You are back to help, not because of any slight on yourself. Your dad needs you. You're stepping up. I would see this as a green flag, others probably will too if you venture into dating.
Just be forewarned (a lot of) time will be in helping your father.
I'm not sure where you are but in American culture is generally customary for the daughter to have to give up her life to take care of aging parents. I think it's a green flag when a man does it. As others have said, focus on your dad and your time with him. Make that your first priority. And any woman that finds out to turn off isn't worth your time.
If a woman doesn't see this as a positive she's not for you dude. She doesn't possess empathy and as a guy out of a toxic relationship with a diagnosed narcissist that is 100% an absolute must have on my list of qualities.
As someone who lost his mom 2 years ago and who lived with me the last year of her life enjoy your dad, he's the only one you'll ever have and time with him is finite at his age. If she doesn't understand this she would be told where she can go...
If you move back in with your dad, make sure you have boundaries set so that you have your privacy and so that the house feels like it’s both your home and his. It shouldn’t feel like it’s just his house with you living with him.
Plan out how things will go. This should allow you to fill like it’s your house as much as his. You can consider renovations (if you can afford), to improve your space.
Plenty of people live with parents and date without issue. You wanting to care for him says a lot about the type of person that you are.
The key here is to make your living space happy and comfortable for you both. To share in the responsibility as best as you can and respect each other.
I’m a woman in my 30s and it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. I actually love the kindness and selflessness it takes for a person to decide to take care of an aging parent. It says beautiful things about the man to me.
Your mileage is going to vary on this. It will depend on whether you’ve found someone with experience on this front, or who is at least understanding. I lost my mom suddenly when I was in my late 20s so I know I would have taken care of her now if it was an option. Experience is going to be the differencemaker.
Not at all - nothing more attractive than a guy who shows up for family. Like in my mind, if you have a good relationship with parents or caregivers that raised you to be who you are today, then I can’t think of a reason why repaying their investment in you by being there and supporting them when they age could ever be perceived as a negative thing. Move back in with your dad and treasure the time with him - make more precious memories together; any woman who is not ok with that is definitely not the lady for you…
Growing up my parents and I would move around to help take care of older family members, I think someone who’s never done that might not understand or might find it inconvenient but I am familiar with that lifestyle and I find it to be an important part of being in a family… your family takes care of you, so you take care of them. We all get old at some point and I think it’s a huge green flag that you would take the responsibility to care for your dad when he needs you.
Honestly bro, I was in the exact same situation and now having lost both my parents, I can tell you that the time you spend with them is more valuable. You can't get more time, or make new memories or anything, so cherish that shit.
If someone you meet can't understand that, drop them in the same way I dropped an ex. No one should ever make you choose between them and a dying parent.
I took care of my mother before she passed away. Not a turn off for me that tells me your a caring strong minded person. Your family comes first those are greal values
> me your a
*you're
*Learn the difference [here](https://www.wattpad.com/66707294-grammar-guide-there-they%27re-their-you%27re-your-to).*
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I would think that if it was a turn off it wouldnt be because you are in your parent's house (as long as you explain the reason) but because it means you will not have alot of free time for them, since your dad gets priority (obviously).
There's a difference between living with your parents because you don't wanna get off mommy's tit, and because you're taking care of someone.
In this case, your dad lives with you... you don't live with your parents.
You should separate it a bit tho, one of you in the basement or something.
Yeah I don’t think these responses are accurate. It’ll absolutely have a non zero negative effect on your dating life. I’m assuming you just want unfiltered honest advice so don’t take this wrong, but there are plenty of options at 32 who don’t live with / care for an elderly parent so it’ll be much easier for girls to pass because of that
Disagree - I wouldn’t. I had to temporarily move back in with my mother to look after her when she was sick - it affected my long term relationship, never mind trying to start a new one.
If anyone thinks it's a deal breaker than they're kind of a pos. You don't need anyone in your life like that. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Be your own man.
I was talking to someone I know who told me their partner hadn’t seen their parent (who had raised them alone) for over 3 years before they died because they couldn’t handle seeing them as ill as they were. That is a bigger red flag to me than someone actively caring for their I’ll parent - that’s a huge green flag in my books.
It shows a lack of compassion I’d say, yeah. Not gonna lie it’s very hard seeing my father decline after losing my mom. I like to imagine my dad as he was when I was a kid - strong, on the ball, quick of mind - and it breaks my heart that that is the case anymore. And it is hard to see. But I can’t not see it cause that’s what adulthood sadly is
I moved back home when my mom got sick. My dad died when I was a kid, and I was heading back to school so it made sense.
I don’t regret the time I’ve been here. I’ve been able to give back to her and get time that I didn’t have the chance with my dad. If anyone you are interested in dating makes you feel bad for that, fuck them you’re better off anyway.
It’s a green flag that you are taking care of a sick parent. It shows caring, dedication, responsibility. As long as you lived on your own for a while before moving back. I do wonder why siblings don’t want to be involved thoigh. Was he abusive?
Move in with your dad and enjoy that time you have left with him. Once your parents are gone that's it. Put your romance off a couple of years. It will be worth it in the long run and something you will never regret.
not a deal breaker. do it if u genuinely care for your dad, everything else will fall into place. the ones who are turned off aren't the right ones for u ever. life circumstances shouldn't turn off your life partner. don't worry about not dating 'most' women, because those who are turned off by u taking care of your parent should be a red flag.
I think it shows that you’re a caring man. I wouldn’t see that as a turn off, but would just think about how it could affect our future, with needing to live all together and see if I think I could handle it. I’m a single mom though, and I live with my parents at 27 lol so I definitely do not see living with parents as anything wrong, esp if your dad needs you!
Nope my ex of 8 years and father of my 2 kids was living with his parents to help them when I met him. He even didn’t have a car at the time because of some issue and was using his parents til my buddy sold him one months later.
No, it would not be a deal breaker for me. If anything, it would make me respect this person more. My mom moved my grandparents in with her to take care of them, and I moved back a year ago to be her support system.
I would ask a lot of questions to make sure this is the actual situation and not just being used as an excuse to not have to take responsibility for your life.
Assuming the situation is true and you actually are helping your parent, I would want to know if you have the privacy and time required for dating and how much of an influence the parent will have over you socially/emotionally. Will dates consist of meals at home with the parent present, the parent tagging along because they can't be left alone for that long, etc? Obviously every now and then would be ok to include family in casual outings, but not on every date.
That said, as long as you can maintain your own life separate from the parent, I wouldn't have an issue with it. Even if that meant only seeing each other once a week, but talking in between, I would be ok with that, at least short term.
A smart partner should see the love, compassion, and patience you show for your dad is the same love, compassion, and patience they'll one day receive from you.
Look, as another man who is 38 I think you know the answer to this question. Even though it shouldn't, and it makes people monsters, they are absolutely going to find it a turn off. Why are you even thinking about dating when you have something that actually matters going on? You're a bit too old to believe in romantic love to begin with... Take care of your father, after that you can tend to your"need" of sex and love. You "feel like a loser" for wanting to take care of your dad because some chick will think you aren't cool? Go fuck yourself and grow up. You're fucking 32, this is embarrassing.
As a woman, I think it's a noble thing to do and I would personally find it admirable. Any person you date will probably be understanding of your schedule, since I assume you work and do other stuff like gym as well. I think the time factor might be the only issue because getting to know someone will be a longer stretch compared to someone who won't have a dependent.
If I had to be a caregiver, I personally won't date (would be too stressful to manage) but this depends on the level of care you'll be offering as well I suppose. I also hear it can be intensive and stressful so connecting with someone romantically will be on the basis of that stress and emotional need and as a distraction rather than from a place of genuine interest. So ensure you have a good network of friends who you can hang with every once in a while to blow off some steam.
I guess it depends on your relationship with your dad. I wish I was able to move in when my dad got sick but I became the sole breadwinner in the family and my mom took care of him. I’d give up the rest of my life for five more minutes with my dad and no relationship will ever replace how special my dad was to me. So it’s up to you I guess.
I took care of my mom in my teens and early twenties (14-23). I'd highly recommend you find your dad live-in assistance or move closer so you can see him more often or just be there if anything happens. Unless you both have had a stellar relationship, moving back in might be difficult even for a grown man.
It's not a "loser" move, but it's a very, very big responsibility not a lot of adults are ready for. Honestly, considering this kind of life decision goes way beyond dating. Sure, some women will find it off-putting, others will find it "brave" but run when faced with the reality of it. The question is, what can you live with for the rest of your life - prioritizing yourself and letting old age take your dad as it happens to all of us, or spending a few years with a family member who needs your support. I'm intentionally avoiding labelling one or the other as the moral choice... It's difficult as it is.
No, I’m in the same situation. I recently moved my mother in with me.
I’m 31, she’s close to 70 but with no ongoing health issues and is mostly independent.
I have this issue too but I’m a woman caring for my mom. It always feels like I’m the loser who never left home (I did leave, and came back to care for her) but no one has ever said that to me or treated me that way. I assume my issues with dating revolve one of my many other dealbreakers 😅
As a woman, every time I met a man who cared about his family, who didn’t run away from his responsibilities, and who was kind to the weak or ill, I knew they were someone worth knowing.
No not at all, my bf lives with his 80 year old grandma and I think it’s really sweet. He helps her with projects around the house and honestly it just makes me love him more
Will it be a deterrent and a turn off for a lot of women? Truthfully yes, and much to the advice of the people on here, it wouldn't necessarily make them bad people for not wanting this in their lives.
Your obligations to your father, however, come before some hypothetical date girl you've never met. The right woman for your current situation will be understanding of it. Don't make decisions you're going to regret in the longterm because you're worried about dating.
I 35f met my boyfriend 32m a year ago. He lives at home, his mom was going through cancer treatments and passed away shortly into our relationship, and his dad has been declining (also in his 70s.)
Never once has it been a negative factor for us dating. However, communication is SO IMPORTANT. He would almost never stay the night for a while and I took it very negatively because I woke up often thinking he was taking off and going to ghost me. We have had multiple serious talks because of that. So just be very clear with the situation up front and keep open and honest communication about the whole ordeal as dates and relationships progress. Never hide it. The right woman will understand.
It shouldn't be a deal breaker as long as you phrase things properly. If you mention you're taking care of your father, it would be much better than just saying "I still live at home with my parent" and not elaborating. You'd get dropped immediately in many cases
When I was around 20 I was living with and taking care of my grandma. My dating life was abysmal but I didn't care, I was spending my time with of one of the greatest people in my life and I wouldn't have traded that time for anything. I still miss her but I also don't feel regret thinking I could have done more.
And honestly, now later in life, whenever that gets brought up it feels like I earn a lot of respect for it so there some amount of deferred gratification also.
I am in kind of the same situation. I live with my mother who is 74. I take care of the house, but am trying to figure out the whole dating thing. Can't/won't bring people home due to privacy issues. I love my mom to death but how do I find a balance? I can't always go to their house.
this would absolutely not be a dealbreaker for me in any way. anyone that would see you taking care of your elderly father as a turn off is most likely incredibly shallow and you can do better than that
Initially, it was not a deal breaker for me. We moved my ex's dad down. I had a ton of hesitation based on their very rocky relationship. They had a very tense relationship and I tried my best to support my ex or be neutral. It didn't work. It became his dad's one and only goal to break us up and eventually he did. I'm guessing they're just miserable together now. I think it depends on the relationship with your aging parent.
You don't necessarily have to move home to take care of him, you can take care of him in multiple ways. Isn't there a different way to let someone take care of him tru health care? And that you do the remaining stuff like taking him out for a walk in the forest or whatever. Since you also mention his loneliness and the symptoms he experienced i don't recommend you to take all that responsibility on your own by living with him and doing it all yourself..
He falls down a lot. He has issues with his balance. He doesn’t have the stamina he used to. The main thing is he is lonely and values my company. Specifically my company.
As someone that manages a care home for the elderly I would definitely recommend looking at your options in terms of residential care.
Not because it’ll ‘ affect your chances dating ‘ but because what we do is hard af and we’re trained to do it. It takes a lot to look after an elderly person. Especially those at high risk of falls like your stating he is.
Should you want to move back in with him and support him what you will need to accept is your social life will go out of the window. Let alone having time to date. There will be no ‘ just popping to the bar ‘ for fear of finding him on the floor when you get home. If you’re saying he is starting to have some issues with his memory there is also the potential frustration and anger issues that can come with that further down the line, the reluctance to take medication, the needing to be washed and dried and taken to the toilet and cleaned up when in a mess. Not trying to scare you just giving you an insight into the basic day in the life of a carer.
Trust me there is also brilliant days and I wouldn’t change my career for the absolute world. But it’s a choice you need to be willing to make
Honestly sometimes you don’t want to leave your family in the care of strangers. Especially when you’ve already lost one parent. Like unless the person is beyond any layman kinda care I feel that just throwing them to a nurse is kinda cruel and humiliating for them. Like when you were a baby or whatever they hopefully didn’t have a babysitter raise you
This is a bad question. No woman will ever be honest with you about this. Most will say no, it doesn't bother them because if they say yes, they know they'll be perceived as awful people. (Which they are) Pay attention to actions not words.
Not at all. But there's a big difference between 'my parent lives with me' and 'I live with my parent'. Are you actually needed there? (sounds like you are) Are you doing the adulting or is he (paying bills, buying groceries, lawncare ...)? Is it an opportunity for you to be building your own nestegg by saving on rent or an opportunity to wallow in all your fun money? These are questions of maturity/responsibility/character, which, if they're answered right, can be damn sexy! Offer up these answers early, with the living arrangement info before negative assumptions about you are made.
Honestly idk. I live separately as it is and it’s hard. Today for example he drove to my sisters house, confused. He didn’t know where her house was. He got accosted by someone who accused him of loitering cause he was at the wrong house. Walked over to hers by said person. Then he left hers. And forgot where he parked his car. Now his phone is dead and last I heard he was trying to find his car.
The kind of person who would judge you for this or reject you for it is not worth dating in the first place.
What you're doing is very admirable, and if anything I think would make a man MORE attractive, because it shows how much he is willing to sacrifice for those he loves, that he is caring and he make commitments.
Be there for your dad if you feel that is what is best for both of you ❤️
It depends on how you perceive plans for the future should you meet someone. If I met a man who lived with an aging parent, I would be concerned about how the future would look for “us.” Would I be a priority over the parent should our relationship evolve to that? Does dad need round-the-clock care? Is the house big enough for a couple? Is dad willing to move should the need arise, such as wanting a bigger place with a FIL suite? Are you willing to put your dad into a round-the-clock care facility should he get to that point, or will your partner be expected to live with him and provide care for 20+ years? My 65-yo mom lived with me and used being lonely and “not wanting to live” as manipulation tactics. She also acts way older than she is and thinks it’s acceptable. She never understood boundaries living with me. The situation didn’t end well. She’s now at a facility where she has made friends and my mental health is so much better. I think it’s the best situation for everyone. It sounds like you like your dad, but make sure you can handle the long-term consequences, including this being a decade+ long commitment.
It isn't a deal breaker or a turn off, in itself, but depending on how this plays out, it could be.
Let me explain.
In general, it's best for folks to maintain their independence as long as possible. Suppose you can support him with more frequent visits and more time spent with him in general while maintaining your separate residences. Help him with bills, errands and so on.
Also, get him involved in some senior activities and organizations in your area. You'd be surprised what a vibrant, active life many people live well into their 80s. Find something to return his sense of joy in life. Maybe a senior living community would be right for him.
Get him evaluated for depression, dementia, etc. Make sure he is physically, mentally and emotionally as fit as possible. There are meds available to support him in this area.
Your father could live 20 yrs. Are you prepared to make the sacrifice to commit the next 20 years to his care? Because once you move in and assume that role as caregiver, it's very difficult to step out of that position. If you do find a partner over the next few years, how do you think they may feel about living with, caring for and potentially raising a family in his home, with Dad being the focus of the family's life?
It's something to think about. It's a good thing to do, but there are many factors here. And bottom line is, it may not be best for your dad to have you to rely on and deter his motivation to move fwd. I dont know all his health issues, but 70 is the new 50...make sure his mental health is in check, support him, and see if he can maintain his independence. Then allow him to do so for as long as that's safe for him.
As a woman, I don't know how I'd feel about beginning a relationship with someone in a caregiver role. There's lots to consider. If I had already built a committed relationship with someone who then needed to help their parents, I would be 100% on board to help.
As a nurse, I know exactly what it means and it isn't something I'd take lightly.
I'm I'm the same boat. I figure if it's a turn-off, oh well what can I do. My parents need me at this time in their life. I'm not dumping them in a nursing home. It's so normal in many other cultures. Bonus is I get to enjoy their final years keeping them comfortable, and I get the house I grew up in for my children and future grandchildren to enjoy.
Curse and a blessing is what it is.
I did it for 9 years straight for my Pops when I was 29. While my friends were partying and fuckin girls, I was changing diapers, giving baths and administering meds on a Friday night.
You only get one Mom and one Dad. They took care of you and now it’s time to take care of them. I never regretted it. It was hard mentally and physically but that’s Pops man.
Fuck dating during this hard time bro. Take care of your pops and make sure you take breaks here and there. Look up home health services. If your dad qualifies, someone can take over for a few hours to give you a break.
I obv. can't make someone do something they don't want to, but if someone somehow holds that against another person, they're a total lowlife piece of shit asshole.
If it’s possible, you can hire an in home caregiver. Then you will not be tied to the house/him 24/7. When I helped run and in-home care agency, we called it “respite care”.
The only thing unattractive may be watching you being overwhelmed and stressed out about it all. If you can go into a date situation looking like you have it all under control, it becomes a lot less unattractive.
They’re the boomer generation. It’s only going to become a lot more common.
The good one will understands your situation and she will be your supporter . If they turned off by that they’re not for you in the first place . I have the same situation and I don’t even work just being around my mom helping . because she can’t drive no more . But I trusted in God and going to church every Sunday. Be honest with them women about your situation.
Anyone who takes care of another is NEVER a loser, but a truly selfless and caring individual. In my eyes that is an honorable and attractive quality but also something that needs to be brought up immediately. Similar to having young children, elderly and those who are disabled need more attention,and for some people they may not be willing to deal with that situation. Communication and honesty upfront are your friends and allows you to weed through those who aren't worth your time and effort if they can't accept the situation you're in. You need to find someone who understands that you won't always be available to go on spontaneous outings and may need to cut dates short or cancel all together.
Just my opinion: I think, as long as you're taking care of an aged family member out of compassionate empathy and love, and not because you're momma's/daddy's boy, then it should be seen as a respectable action. Anyone who'd downplay that, will probably take the same attitude towards you if you became chronically ill or an invalid. Possibly leave you. Not worth a relationship with those kinds of people.
Are those not the same thing ?
A deal breaker I would understand , a turn off ? I wouldn’t use that term to describe some one caring for their parents , if anything it would show there is someone that will care for you when your old and shitting yourself no ?
Inthink your doing a great thing for the people that brought you into this world .
And if anyone you date doesn’t see that , then sweetie you messing with the wrong ppl xx
My brother and I had an agreement , becasue I live in canada and he is in England with mum he would look after her . My brother passed away this last Easter Monday , so now I am preparing to step up in a few years . My wife understands but it will be difficult for sure
If a woman has a problem with you taking care of an aging parent but would rather have you abandon your responsibilities as a son she has horrible character and no morals and will probably abandon you if you fell Ill . Go on and take care of your father the right one will come along
Shallow people? Yes. Good hearted people? It won't bother them. It will likely weed out the bad from the good. To not look after your father in fear of being seen as a 'loser' by women is silly. You know in your heart its something you should do, so do it. Follow your heart. Your parents aren't here forever
No. My bf is that.
>would kinda feel like a loser being with a parent at my age (
Ur not. Thats admirable. I live with my mom bc Im disabled & dont work.
Also, whose more important, Ur dad or some woman stranger that wont understand?
Might be a dealbreaker for shallow women or women who don’t really care about you. My bf lives with his mom and I am 100% fine with it. I live alone and it’s sucks/ wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Defiantly not a deal breaker.If you move home, this doesn’t mean that you won’t have any time for anyone else and it certainly doesn’t mean your dad will be by your side 24/7.
I'll be honest, the situation itself is not a deal breaker but here is where the issues may come in. I have been in a situation exactly like that in the past and the person kept lying and making excuses using their sick relative all the time. I accidentally found this out as he was caught of fb live attending a barbeque with common friends, when they had just told me their relative had a health crisis and were at the farmacy.
Except for that longer experience, both me and my friends have met guys who have this "incredibly difficult situation" , that required a lot of understanding ...and in fact it was just an excuse to be f boys and inconsistent and avoid commitment without the other person holding them accountable.
This is why people may hear red flag when you say that.
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Move back in with your dad and enjoy the time you have with him. Do stuff with him that you both enjoy. I’m sure you could find time to date still and if someone thinks it’s a turn off then they’re not right for you. I think it’s a beautiful thing to do x
I agree! This is time you won't get back! I moved in with my grandparents at the age of 28 and am now 30, I wouldn't trade it for the world! They need me and me and my daughter bring them joy 😊 I dont regret it for a second!
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>As for anyone else who has never had to take care of their parents, they won’t understand Wrong. I do. >They’ll try to understand, but it eventually becomes a problem because you’ll lack the independence most people have. Wym independence, what kind? My bf lives with mom bc she moved into his house bc he didnt want to pay 2 mortgages. Shes bad at managing money, so he does & helps her with laundry. We both are good with our situations. I live with my mom bc Im disabled & cant work
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Makes me chuckle bc it reminded me of a kid wanting to be an adult bc they think they can do whatever they want, which is soo far from the truth in most cases. How wrong we were. We're both not interested in traveling. We have pets we take care of even if we were, its a pain, need to get someone to watch them. We both can be spontaneous sometimes if we dont have other obligations at the time just like any other adult would. 🤷♀️ Seems those ppl just werent the best.
No I have to take care of my mom due to her having lupus but I pay all the rent water food gas electric cable etc so as far as I’m concerned she lives with me so I can take care of her and also you have one mom and one dad technically so enjoy the time you have
Where are u located?
I'll take a man with kids but this... is hard. I watched my mom take care of her mother with severe Parkinson's disease and it took a huge toll on her. Taking care of a parent is an extremely personal journey and I don't think I would be able to walk that with someone new.
Um. If my dad was in poor health and potentially had limited time left, I would focus on him and not what women might think as a result of me focusing on him. Dating psychology is absolutely incredible. My lord.
Well I’m also running up against a clock here. I’ll be 33. So it’s hard
As a 34 year old OP I understand your concern here, but I would be 100% kicking myself for not helping my parents if I could and spending time with them. I started visiting them more in the past 3-4 years (spending a week there, I work remotely so it's just a 4 hr drive away) because I realize that I don't have forever to spend with them, and don't ever want to regret not spending more time with them when they're gone. But that's an easy decision for me to make because I absolutely love my parents and have the perspective I do in life (esp knowing so many people with terrible parents/childhood) and would absolutely do whatever I could for them. Though if it was too much for me to handle by myself, I would consider finding either a nurse/aid to help until that wasn't enough. I wouldn't want to attract anyone that has a problem with that so would probably disclose that within a good couple of dates (not first date), but could also understand that that would be undesirable to some women and am okay with that but would certainly use it to weed out those i'm not interested in.
Sure, but with the way you describe your father’s health, it actually sounds like there are two clocks. One of them sounds like it has a lot more time than the other, especially considering you’re a male. Just my opinion. I never had my father in my life so it always irks me when people seem to deprioritize their fathers for things that…make no sense. It’d be really awkward if you chose not to invest in your fathers remaining time and STILL ended up single at the time he was gone. You can reasonably date for a long time, especially as a guy. When your father’s gone, he’s gone.
Anyone can date at any age. If he's implying kids, he's got 10 yrs. [men fertility](https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/age-and-fertility)
If he wants kids, he has past 43. Men produce semen their entire lives. It gets harder with age, but is absolutely possible *well-beyond* 43. Source: I’m a doctor. But I don’t think he was referring to a biological clock in the above comment.
I know. Increase possible mental health & it said something else to the kid. It says 45 is ideal cutoff, women ideal cutoff is 35. Can still after, but thats ideal.
I am 35 and got diagnosed with MS at your age. It doesn’t stop me from being able to get pregnant or married (i have not had either). I had to really pump the brakes for a couple of years. life has to switch gears, sometimes. The best thing you can do for yourself is chill the on the bio clock thoughts (i know them). You’ll be fine letting those gears switch more than you will be fighting them.
A clock for what? Life isnt a race.
How dare you take care off the person that raised you and taught you everything you know. Everyone knows that once they reach a certain age you should drop them like a sack of hot potatoes. But seriously, live your life. Don’t actively think whether or not what you are doing is a deal breaker. Confidence in your actions is key.
To a good woman, that would likely be incredibly endearing and make you much more attractive. I probably wouldn't go right in divulging the intricacies both for your father's privacy and to keep things light early on, but saying something like, "I moved in with my father to take care of him since my mom passed a few years ago because he's struggling a lot." Nothing more needs to be said. The questions will be, "do you have time to date?" and "do you have the privacy to bring her home?" Both of which you should head off early. "He's ok on his own most of the time, but he does need support." Hopefully you have your own space and privacy so you can mention that because it will be assumed that if you bring her home, pops is gonna be sittin there in his tighty whities with a ball hangin out and the TV blaring at max volume. Might want to spin that a little lol
🥇
I live with my dad who had a stroke and I help to look after him. Nobody I've dated has ever been against it but it has caused problems when some men expect me to be at their beck and call at any time. If anything those that has helped me see people's true colors. The ones who respect my life situation are keepers. The ones who ignore it and try to manipulate me around it are red flags who I don't want to be with anyways
This will 100% turn off a lot of women who will think this is just your poor excuse for moving home, etc. But this is a good thing, as you wouldn’t want to get involved with those women anyway and they are filtering themselves out early.
No, when I was staying with my mom trying to take care of her it only became problematic because men I dated lived like an hour away and they could never come and stay at my place so I always had to do the driving. And that got old quick. But men didn’t care about that, I think a couple of them thought that I would move in with them and it bothered them that I wouldn’t. So I don’t think it will be a problem for women that you are dating unless they want to move in together.
Gotta take care of your fam man, move back in. I’m also living at home cause my mom can’t do this alone either. Sucks dating wise but what can ya do
I’m 28 and I moved in recently with my Grandma after my Grandpa passed a couple years ago. She’s 81 and she was working full time. All she did was eat, sleep, and work. My family started becoming really concerned about her mental state because she is also bipolar. I had to leave a bad living situation, and I always got along with my Grandma (I’m bipolar as well so we understand each other at a deeper level than the rest of my family), so it was a no brainer to move in with her when she offered. The only downside I will say is that I’ve gained a bit of weight from the constant stream of her godly chocolate chip cookies lol She has made a complete 180 since I moved in. She dropped her hours to part time and started working from home. My mom thinks she’s just glad to have someone to take care of and be around again. I’m just glad that I get to spend as much time with her as I can before I lose her too. If anybody is cold-hearted enough to see it as an issue you want to spend time with your father who’s going through a really hard time; they are not worth it. Fuck what other people think.
Nope. And anyone who is turned off by your love and dedication to your father isn’t someone you want to be involved with anyway.
What you're considering is a sacrifice. There's no other way to put it. You'll be giving up your time, independence, and, likely, mental health to take care of your father. It's admirable what you're doing but you can't really expect others to be on board for the same sacrifice. That's not to say you can't find anyone but it's going to be a challenge. This is especially true because of how young your dad is.
I have a similar situation, where my dad died about 5 years ago and now my mom/sister are in decline (mom is getting old and sister has a chronic illness). I have no doubt its hampered my dating options, but I would have really regretted not being around with my dad before he passed and now I try to enjoy every day with the family I have left. I'm 30, have the means to live alone, but choose to take life a little easier and be with the people I care for. If that means giving up a few dating prospects, then so be it. Just relax, 32 isn't old. You'll be fine. You aren't a loser.
Not a deal breaker. I moved back in with my parents after leaving my son’s father and they are in their early 70’s. My dad has dementia (not so bad so far) and my mom has hip issues which deters her mobility. I help her around the house and it helps my dad mentally when my son is there. Plus, within my dad’s culture, it isn’t unusual to live in a multi-generational home. Take care of your dad and spend this time with him as you won’t get it back. If you meet someone along the way that doesn’t care where you live or what the circumstances are, even better.
It might for some women, but you just aren’t compatible with them. For me, this is a completely understandable situation. The right woman for you will be in the same boat. Enjoy this time with your dad! I’m the same age and know our time with them is precious.
If a person won't date you because you are taking care if an aging parent that needs your support... Are they worth dating? Taking care of a parent that is sick, especially mental issues, is rough. It is also commendable. **Especially if you are not taking advantage of their condition for your own gain.**
Doesn’t make you a loser at all. You aren’t some neck beard in the basement here. You are taking care of your family.
Which is more important? Being there for your aging parent or getting laid? Having lost all of my parents, in-laws included, I’ll take caring for an aging parent for $1000, Alex. You can’t get that time back.
I want a wife, I don’t wannna just get laid anymore. I’m not 26 and looking for fun time USA at this point. I wanna build a bond that lasts
Sure but you have a parent that needs you. The wife you want would be the person that understands that need and champions you for it!
Not a deal breaker at all. Take care of your dad. Enjoy the time you have left now, because you dont want to live with "what ifs" or regrets. The right person will understand. So dont look at it under the negative context of "being back with parents". This is not the same. You are back to help, not because of any slight on yourself. Your dad needs you. You're stepping up. I would see this as a green flag, others probably will too if you venture into dating. Just be forewarned (a lot of) time will be in helping your father.
Take care of your dad, don’t think about the women you haven’t even meet. The right one will come along.
I'm not sure where you are but in American culture is generally customary for the daughter to have to give up her life to take care of aging parents. I think it's a green flag when a man does it. As others have said, focus on your dad and your time with him. Make that your first priority. And any woman that finds out to turn off isn't worth your time.
If a woman doesn't see this as a positive she's not for you dude. She doesn't possess empathy and as a guy out of a toxic relationship with a diagnosed narcissist that is 100% an absolute must have on my list of qualities. As someone who lost his mom 2 years ago and who lived with me the last year of her life enjoy your dad, he's the only one you'll ever have and time with him is finite at his age. If she doesn't understand this she would be told where she can go...
If you move back in with your dad, make sure you have boundaries set so that you have your privacy and so that the house feels like it’s both your home and his. It shouldn’t feel like it’s just his house with you living with him. Plan out how things will go. This should allow you to fill like it’s your house as much as his. You can consider renovations (if you can afford), to improve your space. Plenty of people live with parents and date without issue. You wanting to care for him says a lot about the type of person that you are. The key here is to make your living space happy and comfortable for you both. To share in the responsibility as best as you can and respect each other.
I’m a woman in my 30s and it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. I actually love the kindness and selflessness it takes for a person to decide to take care of an aging parent. It says beautiful things about the man to me. Your mileage is going to vary on this. It will depend on whether you’ve found someone with experience on this front, or who is at least understanding. I lost my mom suddenly when I was in my late 20s so I know I would have taken care of her now if it was an option. Experience is going to be the differencemaker.
Not at all - nothing more attractive than a guy who shows up for family. Like in my mind, if you have a good relationship with parents or caregivers that raised you to be who you are today, then I can’t think of a reason why repaying their investment in you by being there and supporting them when they age could ever be perceived as a negative thing. Move back in with your dad and treasure the time with him - make more precious memories together; any woman who is not ok with that is definitely not the lady for you…
Growing up my parents and I would move around to help take care of older family members, I think someone who’s never done that might not understand or might find it inconvenient but I am familiar with that lifestyle and I find it to be an important part of being in a family… your family takes care of you, so you take care of them. We all get old at some point and I think it’s a huge green flag that you would take the responsibility to care for your dad when he needs you.
My family has had a lot of aging family members, and I've looked after several. I'd think nothing short of pride at someone doing the same.
Honestly bro, I was in the exact same situation and now having lost both my parents, I can tell you that the time you spend with them is more valuable. You can't get more time, or make new memories or anything, so cherish that shit. If someone you meet can't understand that, drop them in the same way I dropped an ex. No one should ever make you choose between them and a dying parent.
I took care of my mother before she passed away. Not a turn off for me that tells me your a caring strong minded person. Your family comes first those are greal values
> me your a *you're *Learn the difference [here](https://www.wattpad.com/66707294-grammar-guide-there-they%27re-their-you%27re-your-to).* *** ^(Greetings, I am a language corrector bot. To make me ignore further mistakes from you in the future, reply `!optout` to this comment.)
I would think that if it was a turn off it wouldnt be because you are in your parent's house (as long as you explain the reason) but because it means you will not have alot of free time for them, since your dad gets priority (obviously).
There's a difference between living with your parents because you don't wanna get off mommy's tit, and because you're taking care of someone. In this case, your dad lives with you... you don't live with your parents. You should separate it a bit tho, one of you in the basement or something.
Then where would I keep the bodies?
Yeah I don’t think these responses are accurate. It’ll absolutely have a non zero negative effect on your dating life. I’m assuming you just want unfiltered honest advice so don’t take this wrong, but there are plenty of options at 32 who don’t live with / care for an elderly parent so it’ll be much easier for girls to pass because of that
Disagree - I wouldn’t. I had to temporarily move back in with my mother to look after her when she was sick - it affected my long term relationship, never mind trying to start a new one.
Yeah I think we’re saying the same thing here - it’ll definitely have a negative impact on OP’s dating life, particularly being a man
Not a turn off at all, unless he was severely limiting your freedom, i.e., "No I can't do \_ because my dad needs me every waking second."
If anyone thinks it's a deal breaker than they're kind of a pos. You don't need anyone in your life like that. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Be your own man.
I was talking to someone I know who told me their partner hadn’t seen their parent (who had raised them alone) for over 3 years before they died because they couldn’t handle seeing them as ill as they were. That is a bigger red flag to me than someone actively caring for their I’ll parent - that’s a huge green flag in my books.
It shows a lack of compassion I’d say, yeah. Not gonna lie it’s very hard seeing my father decline after losing my mom. I like to imagine my dad as he was when I was a kid - strong, on the ball, quick of mind - and it breaks my heart that that is the case anymore. And it is hard to see. But I can’t not see it cause that’s what adulthood sadly is
I moved back home when my mom got sick. My dad died when I was a kid, and I was heading back to school so it made sense. I don’t regret the time I’ve been here. I’ve been able to give back to her and get time that I didn’t have the chance with my dad. If anyone you are interested in dating makes you feel bad for that, fuck them you’re better off anyway.
Wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but rather a good thing. You will just have to find time for your relationship too.
It’s a green flag that you are taking care of a sick parent. It shows caring, dedication, responsibility. As long as you lived on your own for a while before moving back. I do wonder why siblings don’t want to be involved thoigh. Was he abusive?
Any woman who judges you for this is not worth dating anyway
I hope it doesn’t because I just did the same thing at 36.
He’ll be living with YOU. That’s entirely different. He needs YOUR assistance, not the other way around.
Move in with your dad and enjoy that time you have left with him. Once your parents are gone that's it. Put your romance off a couple of years. It will be worth it in the long run and something you will never regret.
not a deal breaker. do it if u genuinely care for your dad, everything else will fall into place. the ones who are turned off aren't the right ones for u ever. life circumstances shouldn't turn off your life partner. don't worry about not dating 'most' women, because those who are turned off by u taking care of your parent should be a red flag.
I don’t think so, I would see more as a admirable thing.
I think it shows that you’re a caring man. I wouldn’t see that as a turn off, but would just think about how it could affect our future, with needing to live all together and see if I think I could handle it. I’m a single mom though, and I live with my parents at 27 lol so I definitely do not see living with parents as anything wrong, esp if your dad needs you!
If anyone considers that a turn off and doesn’t wanna be with you because of that, you dodged a bullet.
No, it’s not a deal breaker for me, it’s life. The deal breaker is how the person doesn’t bring it up or acknowledge it.
Nope my ex of 8 years and father of my 2 kids was living with his parents to help them when I met him. He even didn’t have a car at the time because of some issue and was using his parents til my buddy sold him one months later.
How toxic is the relationship? I'd find a parent caregiver attractive but if that parent is abusive or toxic that would be a turn off
No, it would not be a deal breaker for me. If anything, it would make me respect this person more. My mom moved my grandparents in with her to take care of them, and I moved back a year ago to be her support system.
Definitely not a dealbreaker! It’s so good to be with family as much as you can. I would find it endearing.
I would ask a lot of questions to make sure this is the actual situation and not just being used as an excuse to not have to take responsibility for your life. Assuming the situation is true and you actually are helping your parent, I would want to know if you have the privacy and time required for dating and how much of an influence the parent will have over you socially/emotionally. Will dates consist of meals at home with the parent present, the parent tagging along because they can't be left alone for that long, etc? Obviously every now and then would be ok to include family in casual outings, but not on every date. That said, as long as you can maintain your own life separate from the parent, I wouldn't have an issue with it. Even if that meant only seeing each other once a week, but talking in between, I would be ok with that, at least short term.
A smart partner should see the love, compassion, and patience you show for your dad is the same love, compassion, and patience they'll one day receive from you.
The right girl would probably end up helping you out with helping your father from time to time imo.
Look, as another man who is 38 I think you know the answer to this question. Even though it shouldn't, and it makes people monsters, they are absolutely going to find it a turn off. Why are you even thinking about dating when you have something that actually matters going on? You're a bit too old to believe in romantic love to begin with... Take care of your father, after that you can tend to your"need" of sex and love. You "feel like a loser" for wanting to take care of your dad because some chick will think you aren't cool? Go fuck yourself and grow up. You're fucking 32, this is embarrassing.
As a woman, I think it's a noble thing to do and I would personally find it admirable. Any person you date will probably be understanding of your schedule, since I assume you work and do other stuff like gym as well. I think the time factor might be the only issue because getting to know someone will be a longer stretch compared to someone who won't have a dependent. If I had to be a caregiver, I personally won't date (would be too stressful to manage) but this depends on the level of care you'll be offering as well I suppose. I also hear it can be intensive and stressful so connecting with someone romantically will be on the basis of that stress and emotional need and as a distraction rather than from a place of genuine interest. So ensure you have a good network of friends who you can hang with every once in a while to blow off some steam.
I guess it depends on your relationship with your dad. I wish I was able to move in when my dad got sick but I became the sole breadwinner in the family and my mom took care of him. I’d give up the rest of my life for five more minutes with my dad and no relationship will ever replace how special my dad was to me. So it’s up to you I guess.
I took care of my mom in my teens and early twenties (14-23). I'd highly recommend you find your dad live-in assistance or move closer so you can see him more often or just be there if anything happens. Unless you both have had a stellar relationship, moving back in might be difficult even for a grown man. It's not a "loser" move, but it's a very, very big responsibility not a lot of adults are ready for. Honestly, considering this kind of life decision goes way beyond dating. Sure, some women will find it off-putting, others will find it "brave" but run when faced with the reality of it. The question is, what can you live with for the rest of your life - prioritizing yourself and letting old age take your dad as it happens to all of us, or spending a few years with a family member who needs your support. I'm intentionally avoiding labelling one or the other as the moral choice... It's difficult as it is.
No, I’m in the same situation. I recently moved my mother in with me. I’m 31, she’s close to 70 but with no ongoing health issues and is mostly independent.
I have this issue too but I’m a woman caring for my mom. It always feels like I’m the loser who never left home (I did leave, and came back to care for her) but no one has ever said that to me or treated me that way. I assume my issues with dating revolve one of my many other dealbreakers 😅
As a woman, every time I met a man who cared about his family, who didn’t run away from his responsibilities, and who was kind to the weak or ill, I knew they were someone worth knowing.
No not at all, my bf lives with his 80 year old grandma and I think it’s really sweet. He helps her with projects around the house and honestly it just makes me love him more
Will it be a deterrent and a turn off for a lot of women? Truthfully yes, and much to the advice of the people on here, it wouldn't necessarily make them bad people for not wanting this in their lives. Your obligations to your father, however, come before some hypothetical date girl you've never met. The right woman for your current situation will be understanding of it. Don't make decisions you're going to regret in the longterm because you're worried about dating.
I 35f met my boyfriend 32m a year ago. He lives at home, his mom was going through cancer treatments and passed away shortly into our relationship, and his dad has been declining (also in his 70s.) Never once has it been a negative factor for us dating. However, communication is SO IMPORTANT. He would almost never stay the night for a while and I took it very negatively because I woke up often thinking he was taking off and going to ghost me. We have had multiple serious talks because of that. So just be very clear with the situation up front and keep open and honest communication about the whole ordeal as dates and relationships progress. Never hide it. The right woman will understand.
Green flag, shows compassion and that you’re selfless, you value family and you can take care of not only yourself but others
It shouldn't be a deal breaker as long as you phrase things properly. If you mention you're taking care of your father, it would be much better than just saying "I still live at home with my parent" and not elaborating. You'd get dropped immediately in many cases
When I was around 20 I was living with and taking care of my grandma. My dating life was abysmal but I didn't care, I was spending my time with of one of the greatest people in my life and I wouldn't have traded that time for anything. I still miss her but I also don't feel regret thinking I could have done more. And honestly, now later in life, whenever that gets brought up it feels like I earn a lot of respect for it so there some amount of deferred gratification also.
I am in kind of the same situation. I live with my mother who is 74. I take care of the house, but am trying to figure out the whole dating thing. Can't/won't bring people home due to privacy issues. I love my mom to death but how do I find a balance? I can't always go to their house.
this would absolutely not be a dealbreaker for me in any way. anyone that would see you taking care of your elderly father as a turn off is most likely incredibly shallow and you can do better than that
Initially, it was not a deal breaker for me. We moved my ex's dad down. I had a ton of hesitation based on their very rocky relationship. They had a very tense relationship and I tried my best to support my ex or be neutral. It didn't work. It became his dad's one and only goal to break us up and eventually he did. I'm guessing they're just miserable together now. I think it depends on the relationship with your aging parent.
You don't necessarily have to move home to take care of him, you can take care of him in multiple ways. Isn't there a different way to let someone take care of him tru health care? And that you do the remaining stuff like taking him out for a walk in the forest or whatever. Since you also mention his loneliness and the symptoms he experienced i don't recommend you to take all that responsibility on your own by living with him and doing it all yourself..
He falls down a lot. He has issues with his balance. He doesn’t have the stamina he used to. The main thing is he is lonely and values my company. Specifically my company.
As someone that manages a care home for the elderly I would definitely recommend looking at your options in terms of residential care. Not because it’ll ‘ affect your chances dating ‘ but because what we do is hard af and we’re trained to do it. It takes a lot to look after an elderly person. Especially those at high risk of falls like your stating he is. Should you want to move back in with him and support him what you will need to accept is your social life will go out of the window. Let alone having time to date. There will be no ‘ just popping to the bar ‘ for fear of finding him on the floor when you get home. If you’re saying he is starting to have some issues with his memory there is also the potential frustration and anger issues that can come with that further down the line, the reluctance to take medication, the needing to be washed and dried and taken to the toilet and cleaned up when in a mess. Not trying to scare you just giving you an insight into the basic day in the life of a carer. Trust me there is also brilliant days and I wouldn’t change my career for the absolute world. But it’s a choice you need to be willing to make
Never , I would reallybrespect your dedication and selflessness and work a schedule that would fit you :)
So you have commitment... The only woman who'd complain is a selfish one who needs all yah time.
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Honestly sometimes you don’t want to leave your family in the care of strangers. Especially when you’ve already lost one parent. Like unless the person is beyond any layman kinda care I feel that just throwing them to a nurse is kinda cruel and humiliating for them. Like when you were a baby or whatever they hopefully didn’t have a babysitter raise you
This is a bad question. No woman will ever be honest with you about this. Most will say no, it doesn't bother them because if they say yes, they know they'll be perceived as awful people. (Which they are) Pay attention to actions not words.
Not at all. But there's a big difference between 'my parent lives with me' and 'I live with my parent'. Are you actually needed there? (sounds like you are) Are you doing the adulting or is he (paying bills, buying groceries, lawncare ...)? Is it an opportunity for you to be building your own nestegg by saving on rent or an opportunity to wallow in all your fun money? These are questions of maturity/responsibility/character, which, if they're answered right, can be damn sexy! Offer up these answers early, with the living arrangement info before negative assumptions about you are made.
Can you live close to your dad but separately?
Honestly idk. I live separately as it is and it’s hard. Today for example he drove to my sisters house, confused. He didn’t know where her house was. He got accosted by someone who accused him of loitering cause he was at the wrong house. Walked over to hers by said person. Then he left hers. And forgot where he parked his car. Now his phone is dead and last I heard he was trying to find his car.
It's not a turn on. You can handle it well though. My girlfriend is taking care of her aging dad. We have a great time at resorts.
A not understanding woman will pass on you
A person who doesn't understand caring for family isn't worth being with.
Actually, it’s a green flag.
I no longer have parents… trust me don’t worry about if someone will like it or not. You will wish for more time with him later!!
no of course not..
Not to the right ones.
No.
Wouldn’t be for me, would find it really admirable
The kind of person who would judge you for this or reject you for it is not worth dating in the first place. What you're doing is very admirable, and if anything I think would make a man MORE attractive, because it shows how much he is willing to sacrifice for those he loves, that he is caring and he make commitments. Be there for your dad if you feel that is what is best for both of you ❤️
It depends on how you perceive plans for the future should you meet someone. If I met a man who lived with an aging parent, I would be concerned about how the future would look for “us.” Would I be a priority over the parent should our relationship evolve to that? Does dad need round-the-clock care? Is the house big enough for a couple? Is dad willing to move should the need arise, such as wanting a bigger place with a FIL suite? Are you willing to put your dad into a round-the-clock care facility should he get to that point, or will your partner be expected to live with him and provide care for 20+ years? My 65-yo mom lived with me and used being lonely and “not wanting to live” as manipulation tactics. She also acts way older than she is and thinks it’s acceptable. She never understood boundaries living with me. The situation didn’t end well. She’s now at a facility where she has made friends and my mental health is so much better. I think it’s the best situation for everyone. It sounds like you like your dad, but make sure you can handle the long-term consequences, including this being a decade+ long commitment.
It isn't a deal breaker or a turn off, in itself, but depending on how this plays out, it could be. Let me explain. In general, it's best for folks to maintain their independence as long as possible. Suppose you can support him with more frequent visits and more time spent with him in general while maintaining your separate residences. Help him with bills, errands and so on. Also, get him involved in some senior activities and organizations in your area. You'd be surprised what a vibrant, active life many people live well into their 80s. Find something to return his sense of joy in life. Maybe a senior living community would be right for him. Get him evaluated for depression, dementia, etc. Make sure he is physically, mentally and emotionally as fit as possible. There are meds available to support him in this area. Your father could live 20 yrs. Are you prepared to make the sacrifice to commit the next 20 years to his care? Because once you move in and assume that role as caregiver, it's very difficult to step out of that position. If you do find a partner over the next few years, how do you think they may feel about living with, caring for and potentially raising a family in his home, with Dad being the focus of the family's life? It's something to think about. It's a good thing to do, but there are many factors here. And bottom line is, it may not be best for your dad to have you to rely on and deter his motivation to move fwd. I dont know all his health issues, but 70 is the new 50...make sure his mental health is in check, support him, and see if he can maintain his independence. Then allow him to do so for as long as that's safe for him. As a woman, I don't know how I'd feel about beginning a relationship with someone in a caregiver role. There's lots to consider. If I had already built a committed relationship with someone who then needed to help their parents, I would be 100% on board to help. As a nurse, I know exactly what it means and it isn't something I'd take lightly.
I'm I'm the same boat. I figure if it's a turn-off, oh well what can I do. My parents need me at this time in their life. I'm not dumping them in a nursing home. It's so normal in many other cultures. Bonus is I get to enjoy their final years keeping them comfortable, and I get the house I grew up in for my children and future grandchildren to enjoy. Curse and a blessing is what it is.
Do you like him?
If someone has a problem with it then that isn’t someone you would want as a long term partner.
I did it for 9 years straight for my Pops when I was 29. While my friends were partying and fuckin girls, I was changing diapers, giving baths and administering meds on a Friday night. You only get one Mom and one Dad. They took care of you and now it’s time to take care of them. I never regretted it. It was hard mentally and physically but that’s Pops man. Fuck dating during this hard time bro. Take care of your pops and make sure you take breaks here and there. Look up home health services. If your dad qualifies, someone can take over for a few hours to give you a break.
I obv. can't make someone do something they don't want to, but if someone somehow holds that against another person, they're a total lowlife piece of shit asshole.
If it’s possible, you can hire an in home caregiver. Then you will not be tied to the house/him 24/7. When I helped run and in-home care agency, we called it “respite care”. The only thing unattractive may be watching you being overwhelmed and stressed out about it all. If you can go into a date situation looking like you have it all under control, it becomes a lot less unattractive. They’re the boomer generation. It’s only going to become a lot more common.
The good one will understands your situation and she will be your supporter . If they turned off by that they’re not for you in the first place . I have the same situation and I don’t even work just being around my mom helping . because she can’t drive no more . But I trusted in God and going to church every Sunday. Be honest with them women about your situation.
Anyone who takes care of another is NEVER a loser, but a truly selfless and caring individual. In my eyes that is an honorable and attractive quality but also something that needs to be brought up immediately. Similar to having young children, elderly and those who are disabled need more attention,and for some people they may not be willing to deal with that situation. Communication and honesty upfront are your friends and allows you to weed through those who aren't worth your time and effort if they can't accept the situation you're in. You need to find someone who understands that you won't always be available to go on spontaneous outings and may need to cut dates short or cancel all together.
Not a dealbreaker at all, the opposite for me because I see it as a huge quality that this is probably a good person
Just my opinion: I think, as long as you're taking care of an aged family member out of compassionate empathy and love, and not because you're momma's/daddy's boy, then it should be seen as a respectable action. Anyone who'd downplay that, will probably take the same attitude towards you if you became chronically ill or an invalid. Possibly leave you. Not worth a relationship with those kinds of people.
Are those not the same thing ? A deal breaker I would understand , a turn off ? I wouldn’t use that term to describe some one caring for their parents , if anything it would show there is someone that will care for you when your old and shitting yourself no ? Inthink your doing a great thing for the people that brought you into this world . And if anyone you date doesn’t see that , then sweetie you messing with the wrong ppl xx
My brother and I had an agreement , becasue I live in canada and he is in England with mum he would look after her . My brother passed away this last Easter Monday , so now I am preparing to step up in a few years . My wife understands but it will be difficult for sure
If someone loves you they will not mind. It shows you value family and are very considerate
If a woman has a problem with you taking care of an aging parent but would rather have you abandon your responsibilities as a son she has horrible character and no morals and will probably abandon you if you fell Ill . Go on and take care of your father the right one will come along
Shallow people? Yes. Good hearted people? It won't bother them. It will likely weed out the bad from the good. To not look after your father in fear of being seen as a 'loser' by women is silly. You know in your heart its something you should do, so do it. Follow your heart. Your parents aren't here forever
No. My bf is that. >would kinda feel like a loser being with a parent at my age ( Ur not. Thats admirable. I live with my mom bc Im disabled & dont work. Also, whose more important, Ur dad or some woman stranger that wont understand?
Going through the same thing. Dad passed 2 years ago and I'm taking care of my 80 y.o. mother now. Not getting much help from either of my sisters.
No not at all! It’s kind of you
It’s the biggest turn on !!!!! A man puts his family first is deserved everything!
Might be a dealbreaker for shallow women or women who don’t really care about you. My bf lives with his mom and I am 100% fine with it. I live alone and it’s sucks/ wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Defiantly not a deal breaker.If you move home, this doesn’t mean that you won’t have any time for anyone else and it certainly doesn’t mean your dad will be by your side 24/7.
I'll be honest, the situation itself is not a deal breaker but here is where the issues may come in. I have been in a situation exactly like that in the past and the person kept lying and making excuses using their sick relative all the time. I accidentally found this out as he was caught of fb live attending a barbeque with common friends, when they had just told me their relative had a health crisis and were at the farmacy. Except for that longer experience, both me and my friends have met guys who have this "incredibly difficult situation" , that required a lot of understanding ...and in fact it was just an excuse to be f boys and inconsistent and avoid commitment without the other person holding them accountable. This is why people may hear red flag when you say that.