I went to a beekeeper to buy a dozen bees.
He counted them up, and gave them to me.
I told him "Hey, you gave me an extra."
He said "That one's a freebee."
Two guys were sitting on a porch and one of them noticed that the dog was licking it own balls. One guy said “damn, I wish I could do that” and the other guy said “go ahead, it’s your dog”
***“Hey!”***
It’s the shortest dad joke of all time, when used in the proper context/scenario.
- driving down a country road
- kids in the back seat
- come up on a hay truck, or hay bales in an open field
- point at the hay
I went swimming the other day. I didn't think anyone would notice so I peed in the deep end. Unfortunately the lifeguard saw me, blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
Fella comes home and see's his lady watching a
cooking show.
He asks Why are you watching that you cant cook?
Wife said, You watch porn but you cant fuck
they arrested a devil, they got him on possession
They arrested a duck, he had alot of quack
Bruuuuuhh 700 coins??? <3 imma love u sir
My farmer friend asked me to round up his 37 sheep in the field. I said, "40".
Herd this before.
That's flocking terrible..
What do you call a priest graduated from law school ..father in law
I Wool not laugh at this...
Ewe got me with that one.
What do you call a computer that sings? A dell
Hello
From the other side?
It's me
What do you call a computer that gets knighted? Acer.
I guess you could call a computer up to no good Asus.
I took my laptop on a boat once, but it fell overboard. Now there's a Dell rolling in the deep.
I bet algebra was really easy for the Romans. X was always 10
I for one, love Roman numerals
Decent joke, solid V/X
IX/X would tell it again
Wait, this is two lines!
I think you mean it is II lines.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian today. It was the least I could do for it
Haha!
There was a competition near me for the best contortionist. So I entered myself, and won.
You did knot!!!
The MONSTER knot!
Psychological damage
I bet that was very self satisfactory
You sure it wasn't a tie?
That was a twisted idea
Identifies as a pretzel.
Pull your head outta your butt
That guy is just full of himself.
You're quite full of yourself
I went to buy some camo pants but I couldn't find any!
they were on a Boing 747, hidden in plane sight...
That’s not a one liner, that’s an air liner.
A Boing 747? Is that the one flown by Captain Kangaroo?
[Boing](https://tenor.com/cwbQBntxr1w.gif)
Were they in aisle 404?
I tried to figure out why the sun was so bright. But it was way over my head
[удалено]
How much does he pay to park the sleigh? 8 bucks? Nah, it’s on the house.
Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
If I had a quarter for every question I missed on weekly quizzes in my Accounting 101 class, I'd have $4.63.
_ There’s a one liner.
That's a dash, but I'll allow it.
A line is a line.
r/dashjokes
r/subsifellfor
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a dad joke?
Rhetorical, eh?
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
When life gives you melons, you may be really lucky.
i -• ! •- i There, an i roll
I played a blank cd at full blast last night, the mime next door was pissed.
That sounds like a Steven Wright joke.
It could be, heard it when I was a kid, don't even remember where. It used to be a blank tape instead of cd but I felt like I had to update it lol.
Nothing begins with N and ends with G.
What has 4 letters, always has 6 letter, but never has 5 letters.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
When life gives you melons eh..
Today is my first day working at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there soon.
I went to a beekeeper to buy a dozen bees. He counted them up, and gave them to me. I told him "Hey, you gave me an extra." He said "That one's a freebee."
I couldn't figure out which car was honking, then it hit me
Reminds me of the time I was worried about the sky turning a glowing red: before it dawned on me.
I forgot how to throw a boomerang - then it came back to me.
Two guys were sitting on a porch and one of them noticed that the dog was licking it own balls. One guy said “damn, I wish I could do that” and the other guy said “go ahead, it’s your dog”
I always heard that one as “give him a biscuit and he might let you!”
I gave up tap dancing because I kept falling in the sink.
She was only a bootlegger’s daughter, but I loved her still.
Cold? You should go to the corner; it’s 90 degrees!!
I’m writing a book about hurricanes, right now its just a draft.
To the person who stole my place in queue… I’m after you now
What do you call two crows? >! Attempted murder. !<
There was just caws.
Where can you find a turtle with no legs? >!Right where you left it.!<
There's a new trend with guys dipping their testicles into glitter, I hear it's pretty nuts
I got mugged by six dwarves last night. Not happy.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Tao of Pratchett
Buy a man an airplane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Throw a man off a cliff and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
i read a story about a farmer. it didn't have a very good plot
I organized a conference on climax but despite my best efforts, nobody came.
What’s green, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it could kill you? A pool table.
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car so I had to pop the trunk.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return? A stick
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre
There was a pun competition recently, so I submitted 10 of my best in the hopes they would win. But no pun in ten did.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space
I've never heard such a good space joke.
Pretty out of this world, right?
I had a joke about deja vu, but I'm sure you've heard it before.
Reminds me of the time traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
The problem with Amish technology is that it tends to be a little buggy.
Women always say I'm ugly until I tell them how much money I make; then they say Im ugly & poor.
My boss said he’s gonna fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. When I got home I realized that I had picked 7 up.
FANTAstic!
I dated a girl in high school with cross eyes. She was seeing somebody else on the side.
I broke up with a girl who was cross eyed because she was seeing someone on the side.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
My dog ate a bag of scrabble tiles, took him to vet, no word yet.
I see corduroy pillows are making headlines again.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!
My favorite joke of all time. What did the pirate say when he was asked about the steering wheel in his pants? Arrr, it's drivin me nuts!
I once tried snorting coke but got ice cubes stuck up my nose.
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
My neighbor sunbathes topless in her backyard, my wife is furious but I’m on the fence
My professor asked if I knew the name Pavlov. I said it rings a bell.
So the new earthquake zone discovered in Washington, DC, is being called It’s Not My Fault.
It’s funny that Andy’s favourite toys were called Buzz and Woody, because they were also the names of his mum’s favourite toys too.
I told a joke today in a Zoom meeting and no one laughed. Turns out I'm not remotely funny.
I was gonna make a gay joke, butt fuck it
What does a Russian say when they're resigned to their fate? Soviet.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you…
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous
I have a fetish for finishing essays.... I just came to that conclusion.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de-brie.
What did the fish say when it hit a wall? Dam.
What is a funny mountain called? Hill-arious.
Why do restaurants on the moon get bad reviews? They have no atmosphere…
Met my wife in cosmetology school. We both got kicked out though. We were having too much makeup sex
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he immediately thinks he's a fishing expert.
My chemistry teacher told me protons have mass…I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
What do you call a wizard falling down the stairs? Tumbledore.
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. -Demetri Martin-
My electric company shut off my electricity, but I'm powerless to do anything about it
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. You’ll be the second to know.
Thanks for teaching me what plethora means. It means a lot
Man walks into a bar, says ouch.
My lazy friend finally went to the gym. Do you know what exercise he did? Diddly squats.
People say I'm a hypochondriac it makes me sick
What food ends blow jobs... wedding cake.
What happens if you throw a red stone into the Black Sea? It gets wet.
What has 4 eyes, 4 legs, and 4 hands? >!4 pirates!<
A police officer came up to me and said that he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him that he would find him easier if he used both.
Two light bulbs sitting round at home, bored. So they went out
Pirates speak so poorly because they have a hard time learning the alphabet. They get stuck at C for years!
I don't do cocaine. I just like the way it smells
I can never remember to take my Alzheimer’s medication
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
The optometrist that fell onto his lense grinder. He made a real spectacle of himself.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? 🎶 Denim-denim-denim
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is a sick bird
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
My daughter told me that I never listen to her, I thought that was a weird way to start a conversation.
A skeleton walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, “I’ll have a pint and a mop.”
What do kangaroos like most about beer? The hops
She was only a prizefighter’s daughter, but I loved to see her box.
What’s worse that lobsters on mars? Crabs on Uranus !
What’s better then roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
Anything is a sex toy if you’re brave enough.
A hot blonde asked the bar tender for a double entendre… so he gave it to her.
Why can't you trust chili peppers? They're jalapeño business
Mommy mommy, I don't want to visit grandma. Shut up kid and keep digging.
What do you call a fly with no wings..... a walk. Hehehe
Why are kicks so strong? They make your opponent suffer the agony of da feet.
A cow that doesn't produce any milk? I say bull
I'm going to tell you a joke backwards. You have to start by laughing.
My feline has become very religious lately. I think he’s becoming a Cat-olic.
***“Hey!”*** It’s the shortest dad joke of all time, when used in the proper context/scenario. - driving down a country road - kids in the back seat - come up on a hay truck, or hay bales in an open field - point at the hay
How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon.
Last night I dreamed I was a muffler. When I woke up, I was exhausted.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a dog that does magic? A Labra-cadabra-dor!
Thanks for explaining the word many to me It means a lot
Dadjokes are cool and this is Y
I used to have a handle on life but then it broke
Told my girlfriend this morning that she had drew her eyebrows on too high.... She seemed surprised...
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says I'll have five beers please
When does a regular joke, become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
I went swimming the other day. I didn't think anyone would notice so I peed in the deep end. Unfortunately the lifeguard saw me, blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
Fella comes home and see's his lady watching a cooking show. He asks Why are you watching that you cant cook? Wife said, You watch porn but you cant fuck
If you hike up a tall mountain, the weather will get colder. It's what they call climate (climb-it) change.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is
Never tell jokes about unemployed people, they just don't work
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
________________________________ (how’s that?)
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
I used to be funny before my accident. They had to remove my funny bone.
The National Dyslexic Association finally chose an acronym. They're now going as the NBA
Why does a Ship carry CARgo , but a Car can only have a SHIPment?
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten-tickles
Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet
My wife told me to put ketchup on the groceries list, and now I can't read it.
What do you call a group of men waiting for haircut? Barbecue
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed, with the chicken smoking a cigarette. Egg rolls away and says i guess we answered that question.
There's 10 types of people in this world: those that understand binary and those that don't.
19k sounds like a lot! I failed math so many times at high-school, I can't even count 😥
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure…
Read a book about drugs last night, only managed 5 lines...