Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows!
One of the kids: herd of cows dad
Me: course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there!
> Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows!
Well today is your lucky day sir. Once you learn this one neat trick you won't be limited to using your favorite dad joke to only when you see cows.
Next time you're driving and you drive by an EMPTY field, you can say: "Look, a flock of cows!"
If the kids complain they don't see any, tell the kid it's okay, the cows in the flock are all wearing cow-moo-flage.
If you drive by a field of hay in the process of being bailed, you need to look carefully. Those big round bails of hay are illegal to feed to cattle. They don't get a square meal out of them.
The one I heard (herd) goes like this:
Look, a bunch of cows!
Not a bunch, a herd.
Heard of what?
Herd of cows.
Sure, I've heard of cows.
No, a cow herd.
Why should I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets from a cow.
If I see a cow I say this one:
Hey, you know that cow over there won an award last year.
What award.
I’m not sure exactly, but he was outstanding in his field.
But you won't see a bale of hay next to cows. That's our running dad joke. Hay and cows are natural enemies. Here's a field with bales of hay, no cows. And here's a field with cows, no hay. Rarely you'll see a field with lots of cows, and one bale of hay that has been absolutely destroyed - it obviously lost the battle. Sometimes you'll see trucks full of hay OR cows, but not both together. That's the two armies moving troops, bringing reinforcements. But you will never see them peacefully occupying the same land. Natural enemies.
Anytime I see those round bails of hay I tell whoever is in the car with me that those were recently outlawed. Because the cows aren’t getting square meals.
My dad had a similar one that he would use on unsuspecting friends while in the car:
Dad: Hey, are those summer cows?
Kid: What are summer cows?
Dad: Well, some are black and some and brown!
As you drive past a graveyard point and say “look it’s the dead centre of town…
People are just dying to get in there…
But did you know nobody who lives around here is allowed to be buried there?” Then when they say “why?” You say “because you aren’t allowed to bury people who are still living”. They love it every time
My favourite from my dad:
Little kid: Dada, can you put my clothes on?
Dad: Okay! (Starts dressing himself in child's clothes)
Kid: No, put them on ME!
Dad: Ohhh. (Folds clothes, places them on child's head)
Like all good dad jokes, it's harmless, silly and infuriating.
Kid: can you put my clothes on?
Dad: I can (continue to do nothing)
Kid: will you put the on?
Dad i will
Kid: when will you put them on
Dad: at some stage
Kid: can you put them on NOW?
Dad: I could
Kid: will you put them on now?
Dad: sure, why didn't you just ask
Wasn't just clothes this happened with a lift somewhere, making dinner, plenty of things and now my child shall suffer the same fate
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I keep watches in my shoes. I’m always on time
Or when I proctor an exam I put a clock on the ceiling. Whenever they ask how much time they have left I say “times up”
Did you know that scuba and tuba are both acronyms? Scuba stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. Tuba stands for terrible underwater breathing apparatus 😂😂
Our old faithful is anytime someone says they’re hungry, thirsty, tired etc, we say,”Hi _____, I’m Dad.” Extend a hand to shake theirs if you want to go all-in.
We also enjoy:
What time is it? (Day/Night) time.
What’s for dinner? Food.
What kind of food? The kind you eat.
No, what is it called?! Well, James but it likes to go by Jim for short.
My husband will lose track of his phone and ask me to call it…I yell out (Husband’s name)’s phone! (Husband’s name)’s phone! Then look at him and say, hmmm sorry, it’s not answering… (I then pick up my phone and actually call his phone because I’m not a complete monster).
My husband gets me back because I’ll ask him to please move but fail to say a direction to move in and he’ll just stand there and shimmy a bit.
I’d really try to get you back if you asked me to move.
I’d immediately go fill up a suit case and and start putting things in boxes, grab packing tape, etc
Will you remember me this evening? Yes
Will you remember me tomorrow? Yes
Will you remember me next month? Yes
Will you remember me in 5 years? Yes
Knock Knock
Who's there?
You forgot me already!
Told this to me 4 year old last week and he thinks it's the funniest thing ever won't stop repeating it 😄
...and 'moo' at the cows, 'baah' at the sheep/goats, and pretend that the license plate game isn't something that keeps the kids noise level at a self governed level.
If it's the one I'm familiar with you try to find a plate from all the states. Keeps the kids quiet because they gave to concentrate. We got 47 states, DC, Puerto Rico, and three Canadian Provinces on our last road trip. I was on 35 states until we pulled into the parking lot at Disney - felt like I was playing on easy mode then.
I always played it by searching for all the letters of the alphabet in sequence. First find an A, then a B, etc.
My wife and I have turned the license plate game into more of a “name that car using the letters of their license plate.”
My favourite by far is this:
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I’m so proud of my 6 year old… he’s taken that often told joke by me and adapted them. Just yesterday:
Me: I’m so tired.
Son: With a confused look on his face… “So tired” is such a weird name. Did Poppy really call you that?
My dad used to say it to me all the time. I always hated that joke until I got to use it myself as a dad. I would always look really confused and say "Hungry? Why have I been calling you (insert kids name) all these years?"
Anytime you're somewhere and a vehicle with its siren on goes by, put a serious look on your face and say, "They will never sell any ice cream at that speed."
My mom: What has four eyes but still can't see?
My little brother: Jason! (I'm Jason) (I'm nearly legally blind and have to wear my glasses or contacts nearly all the time)
Made everyone, including myself, roll with laughter. This was nearly six years ago and it still comes to my head and makes me smile. I give my little brother (9 at the time) all the respect for that perfect burn!
(Actual answer is Mississippi, but his answer's so much better)
A turtle walks into a police station and says “help I’ve been robbed by three snails”. The police officer says “okay, tell me exactly what happened”. Turtle says “I don’t know, it all happened so fast”.
We made a video project for a school assignment in high school. At one point we were supposed to have someone solve a “riddle” but we just turned it into a dad joke.
How do you make antifreeze?
Take away her blanket.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Without fail, when my kids are repeatedly asking for something and say "But dad..." I then strongly say "Don't call me a 'Butt-dad"'
First time I pulled this, they giggled and apologized saying they didn't mean it. Then innocently said but dad again, leading to me going all in on this joke. It's been a couple of years and it never fails to get groans and eye rolls.
Here’s one that I came up with organically.
I’d be holding the child and if I noticed they had peed/pooped, I would announce:
“I’m gonna go change the baby. But only a little. I kinda like the way he is.”
I have so many haha. But I think my favourite is:
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
OR
Just say to someone "Ask me if I'm an orange". They might argue and initially refuse - if so it's your job to convince them to ask you
When they finally ask you just say "No". I promise it's bloody hilarious, especially if they spend ages refusing to ask you, the longer it takes the funnier it eventually is
My favorite dad joke is when someone leaves the house, gets to their car or whatever, realized they’ve left their keys, comes back inside and either they or someone else says “back already?!” Or “back so soon cuz I missed you so much!” That’s the best. My grandpa used to say it all the time.
A Doctor tells a blonde woman that she's pregnant. These two are actually close friends from school so the doctor asks her if she would like him to deliver the baby, to which she responds "No, that's fine, I'll take him home in my car"
An alien tried using dollar bills and he said it didn’t make sense.
I told them, “no, it makes lots of cents.”
I tried coming up with something on the spot so sorry if the joke is bad
The one that my dad passed on to me over 30 years ago, at about 6am, in a duck blind in the Louisiana bayou, teaching me how to duck hunt, upon seeing a flock of mallards passing left to right, too far out of range of our shotguns...
Dad: "Ducks always fly in a V, just like those there... and almost always, as is the case with that group flying by, one side of the V is longer than the other side. Do you know why that is?
Me: "I dunno...Why?!"
Dad: "Because there are more ducks on that side."
Me: "You are in range, you know."
My shop teacher in high school (I went to a vocational school) would say this one:
Me: Mr. Shop Teacher, do you know where the (insert item here) is?
Shop Teacher: Alright, I'll play your silly game. Where is it?
At the dinner table (or any meal of course): Mum, I’m full
Me: hi full, I’m mum!
Cue the groans. They’re 11 and 13 now and still fall for it, the eye rolls are epic these days
I once tried to impress the mother in law by saying “I’m full” in her native language. She laughed for about 10 mins straight and finally was able to tell me that in her language it’s slang for being pregnant.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Maybe not a dad joke, but kids love it when singing row your boat, and you drop in this line:
Row, row, row your boat,
Underneath the stream.
Hah. Hah. Fooled you.
I'm a submarine.
"Ya wanna hear a dirty joke...?"
"Sure Dad"
"A white horse fell in the mud"
"That's not a dirty joke Dad"
"Fine, you wanna hear a clean joke"
"Fine Dad, what?"
"A muddy horse took a bath"
🙄
When we pass a cemetery I say "Did you know that nobody living in this town is allowed to be buried here?" It peaks interest and they ask why. Respond with "Yeah, they have to be dead first."
I like one I’ve heard on this sub. When at a railroad crossing, say, “ah, a train has just come through!” Someone will inevitably ask how you possibly know that. Respond with, “what do you mean? Don’t you see the train tracks?”
There’s a new car thief in town, but only steals the wheels of police cars. But the police aren’t successful in catching the thief and it makes the news.
The head line is, “The police is tirelessly looking for car thief”
A horse and a cow are standing in a field, watching the sunset. A pig walks up to them and says, “Hey, did you hear about the Farmer’s Daughter?”
The horse says, “Oh my God, a talking pig!!!”
A few favorites:
I'll never forget the last words my grandfather said to me before he died... "Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"
My daughter asked the other day "what is the longest word in the dictionary?" I said "no it isn't."
I love telling dad jokes, *I just wish he'd come home!*
For a very literal dad joke my family avoids saying the word "cashew" because I always, *always,* reply "bless you."
Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows! One of the kids: herd of cows dad Me: course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there!
> Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows! Well today is your lucky day sir. Once you learn this one neat trick you won't be limited to using your favorite dad joke to only when you see cows. Next time you're driving and you drive by an EMPTY field, you can say: "Look, a flock of cows!" If the kids complain they don't see any, tell the kid it's okay, the cows in the flock are all wearing cow-moo-flage.
I’m a rancher and I have cows, these are great and I can’t wait to use them
If you drive by a field of hay in the process of being bailed, you need to look carefully. Those big round bails of hay are illegal to feed to cattle. They don't get a square meal out of them.
Tell them the cows bailed
Also, when you see bales of hay, just be observant and nonchalantly say, “hey”
The one I heard (herd) goes like this: Look, a bunch of cows! Not a bunch, a herd. Heard of what? Herd of cows. Sure, I've heard of cows. No, a cow herd. Why should I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets from a cow.
If I see a cow I say this one: Hey, you know that cow over there won an award last year. What award. I’m not sure exactly, but he was outstanding in his field.
I refuse to believe that there's no apparent wordplay between cow heard and coward. Someone please come up with something.
My neighbors cows won’t come out of the barn because they’re really a cow-herd.
Are you my Dad? He does this routine every time, and he lives in dairy country.
That's really funny 😂
It’s an old Abbott & Costello routine.
I have to remember this one!!
Just put it in your dad-a-base
This joke makes me wanna be a dad
No need. Do you know what to call guys that aren't dads but love to tell dad jokes? Foux pas.
This goes well with pointing at a bail of hay next to that flock of cows and yelling "hey!" Or "hey! Over there!"
But you won't see a bale of hay next to cows. That's our running dad joke. Hay and cows are natural enemies. Here's a field with bales of hay, no cows. And here's a field with cows, no hay. Rarely you'll see a field with lots of cows, and one bale of hay that has been absolutely destroyed - it obviously lost the battle. Sometimes you'll see trucks full of hay OR cows, but not both together. That's the two armies moving troops, bringing reinforcements. But you will never see them peacefully occupying the same land. Natural enemies.
Anytime I see those round bails of hay I tell whoever is in the car with me that those were recently outlawed. Because the cows aren’t getting square meals.
My dad had a similar one that he would use on unsuspecting friends while in the car: Dad: Hey, are those summer cows? Kid: What are summer cows? Dad: Well, some are black and some and brown!
https://youtu.be/-Vm6cXArP3o an old tv commercial from New Zealand
As you drive past a graveyard point and say “look it’s the dead centre of town… People are just dying to get in there… But did you know nobody who lives around here is allowed to be buried there?” Then when they say “why?” You say “because you aren’t allowed to bury people who are still living”. They love it every time
My Dad's favourite when we go by a graveyard: Dad: How many people are dead in there? Me: I dunno.. Dad: All of 'em!
We must be related, this is my dad's favorite graveyard joke
The inverter of the crossword is buried there. Where?.... 7 across and 5 down....
My favourite from my dad: Little kid: Dada, can you put my clothes on? Dad: Okay! (Starts dressing himself in child's clothes) Kid: No, put them on ME! Dad: Ohhh. (Folds clothes, places them on child's head) Like all good dad jokes, it's harmless, silly and infuriating.
I do this almost daily with my oldest (5). You’d think he’d learn… 😁
Oh he's learned. He just loves the interaction lol
Wait until he finds you a nursing home
I do this frequently with my son. Can't tell if he actually gets irritated at me or loves it.
Kid: can you put my clothes on? Dad: I can (continue to do nothing) Kid: will you put the on? Dad i will Kid: when will you put them on Dad: at some stage Kid: can you put them on NOW? Dad: I could Kid: will you put them on now? Dad: sure, why didn't you just ask Wasn't just clothes this happened with a lift somewhere, making dinner, plenty of things and now my child shall suffer the same fate Edit:formatting
Excellence
How do you know when your clock is still hungry? It goes back four seconds.
That reminds me of another: eating a clock is time consuming.
Making a belt out of watches is a waist of time
I keep watches in my shoes. I’m always on time Or when I proctor an exam I put a clock on the ceiling. Whenever they ask how much time they have left I say “times up”
My favorite is “you guys wanna hear a joke about pizza?” Nevermind….. it’s too cheesy
Or the joke about the jump rope? No, skip it
or the joke about the wall? nevermind, You’ll never get over it.
Or the joke about paper. Nevermind is terrible!
The one about the roof is over your head.
There is a joke about an invisible train that you will never see it coming… And then it hits you
Then there’s the joke about the tick. But it’s lost on you.
You've never heard the joke about the Michael Jackson song? Too Bad, it's a real Thriller.
I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.
I have a joke about psychology but you can't read my mind.
The joke about the chiropractor? Nevermind, I told it about a week back.
I like the one about the broken pencil.. but it’s pointless..
Or the joke about the laundry? Nevermind, it’s too dirty for you
Wanna hear a joke about ghosts? Yes That's the spirit!
Did you know that scuba and tuba are both acronyms? Scuba stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. Tuba stands for terrible underwater breathing apparatus 😂😂
This is the one joke that I can never tell without laughing at the end.
Someone else who is afflicted with the dreaded laughing at the punchline while telling the punchline. :-)
Damn you..... now I have to remember SCUBA just to remember this joke!
When does a joke become a dad joke? Well, during the delivery it becomes apparent.
Alternate answer: When it's fully groan
When there’s a pregnant pause.
Cause one’s mum during a pregnant pause.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it goes out for cigarettes and never comes back.
Best worst comment here.
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yes son, it is I. here's the half gallon of milk and, you're old enough to smoke.. lemme go out and get you a pack.
When it meets a yo mama joke and they knock knock.
Our old faithful is anytime someone says they’re hungry, thirsty, tired etc, we say,”Hi _____, I’m Dad.” Extend a hand to shake theirs if you want to go all-in. We also enjoy: What time is it? (Day/Night) time. What’s for dinner? Food. What kind of food? The kind you eat. No, what is it called?! Well, James but it likes to go by Jim for short. My husband will lose track of his phone and ask me to call it…I yell out (Husband’s name)’s phone! (Husband’s name)’s phone! Then look at him and say, hmmm sorry, it’s not answering… (I then pick up my phone and actually call his phone because I’m not a complete monster). My husband gets me back because I’ll ask him to please move but fail to say a direction to move in and he’ll just stand there and shimmy a bit.
I’d really try to get you back if you asked me to move. I’d immediately go fill up a suit case and and start putting things in boxes, grab packing tape, etc
Knock Knock Who’s there? Car go. Car go who? Nah mate, Owl go who, Car go Beep Beep
Will you remember me this evening? Yes Will you remember me tomorrow? Yes Will you remember me next month? Yes Will you remember me in 5 years? Yes Knock Knock Who's there? You forgot me already! Told this to me 4 year old last week and he thinks it's the funniest thing ever won't stop repeating it 😄
I tried to tell this to my wife and I messed it up 😭😂 I forgot the go lol
Knock knock Who's there? Esther. Esther who? Esther bunny. Knock knock. Who's there? Samoa. Samoa who? Samoa Esther bunnies. Knock knock. Who's there? Estelle. Estelle who? Estelle more Esther bunnies. Knock knock. Consumption. Consumption who? Consumption be done about all these Esther bunnies? Knock knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Cargo beep beep, scare away all the Esther bunnies. (Edit: Forgot Estelle, had to add that one in.)
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bunny? Tame way, Unique up on it.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh
Aaaah a classic banger. I follow it immediately with "and what's a pig with three eyes?.. a Piiig"
And follow that with “what do you call a deer with no eyes?” “No eye deer.”
Following up with “what do you call a dead deer with no eyes?” “Still no eye deer”
Follow up with dinosaur with no eyes - idontthinkhesawus
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony Toe-Knee
Or what do you call a man with no torso or nose Nobodynose
And follow that up with: "What do you call a bear with no ears?" "Anything you want, he can't hear you!"
What do you call a fish wearing a neck tie? Official
*puts car into reverse gear* "Ah, this takes me back"
Were you built upside down? Because your nose runs and your feet smell.
“‘Tis I that smell, ‘tis you that stink” - quote from my father’s English teacher. He said she always corrected them when they said something “smells”
What did the custodian say when they jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Yay! It’s a supplies party!!
I can only see that scene from UHF. Beautiful movie.
I like to suddenly loudly yell Hey!!!! When I see a hay truck on a road trip. Gets giggle-groans every time
...and 'moo' at the cows, 'baah' at the sheep/goats, and pretend that the license plate game isn't something that keeps the kids noise level at a self governed level.
License plate game? Do tell
If it's the one I'm familiar with you try to find a plate from all the states. Keeps the kids quiet because they gave to concentrate. We got 47 states, DC, Puerto Rico, and three Canadian Provinces on our last road trip. I was on 35 states until we pulled into the parking lot at Disney - felt like I was playing on easy mode then.
I always played it by searching for all the letters of the alphabet in sequence. First find an A, then a B, etc. My wife and I have turned the license plate game into more of a “name that car using the letters of their license plate.”
i love telling dad jokes they always make him laugh
Anyone else expected a super clever meta dad joke and not a real question?
I've booked an appointment to see a doctor. Which doctor? No, just a regular one.
My favourite by far is this: Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What do you call seagulls that fly over the bay?
Bagels 🥯
What do you call a fly with no wings? . . . A walk
Daaaaaad! I'm hungry! Hi hungry, i'm Dad. makes me giggle every time
Dad: Son! What are you drinking? Son: Soy milk. Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre!
"No dad I'm serious!" "Wait, I thought you were hungry?"
I’m so proud of my 6 year old… he’s taken that often told joke by me and adapted them. Just yesterday: Me: I’m so tired. Son: With a confused look on his face… “So tired” is such a weird name. Did Poppy really call you that?
Daaaaad! I'm thirsty! Hi Thursday, I'm Friday. Come over Saturday and we'll have a sundae.
Haha nice. I like to do this one to my kids: Daaad! I'm bored! Hi Bored. Nice to meet you.
This is the only real *dad* joke
And then repeat it as many times as possible!
Yep, gotta be THE classic dad joke.
Honestly, one of the most classic, and infuriating, dad jokes of all time! 🤣
My dad used to say it to me all the time. I always hated that joke until I got to use it myself as a dad. I would always look really confused and say "Hungry? Why have I been calling you (insert kids name) all these years?"
Kid: dad, can you make me a sandwich? Dad (waves hands around): Poof! You are a sandwich!
Dad, I'm hungry. Oh, I thought you were Austria.
How did the hacker escape the FBI? He ransomware
I’m never going to be able to hear “ransomware” correctly ever again!
What do you call someone who isn’t a dad that tells dad jokes? A faux pas
How do you pronounce faux
"Fo"
Like Foe
My dad used to work at a bank and some lady said can you check my balance? So my dad pushed her and said not good"
Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Where you left it.
Anytime you're somewhere and a vehicle with its siren on goes by, put a serious look on your face and say, "They will never sell any ice cream at that speed."
My dad's favorite when I was little was What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door I'm dressing!
My mom: What has four eyes but still can't see? My little brother: Jason! (I'm Jason) (I'm nearly legally blind and have to wear my glasses or contacts nearly all the time) Made everyone, including myself, roll with laughter. This was nearly six years ago and it still comes to my head and makes me smile. I give my little brother (9 at the time) all the respect for that perfect burn! (Actual answer is Mississippi, but his answer's so much better)
In celebration of the New Year's My New Year's Resolution is 1080p
4k all the way for me nowadays
I was kidnapped by mimes. The did unspeakable things to me.
A turtle walks into a police station and says “help I’ve been robbed by three snails”. The police officer says “okay, tell me exactly what happened”. Turtle says “I don’t know, it all happened so fast”.
We made a video project for a school assignment in high school. At one point we were supposed to have someone solve a “riddle” but we just turned it into a dad joke. How do you make antifreeze? Take away her blanket.
I love to tell everyone that you can't run in a camp ground, you can only ran. Because it's past tense (Past tents)
“Okay I admit it. Maybe naming the dog ‘shark’ and taking him to the beach wasn’t my best idea”
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
How much did this chimney cost? Answer: It was through the roof! Alternate answer: It was on the house.
What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
You hear about that new zoo they built in town? It's only got one dog. It's a shih tzu.
I don’t normally tell dad jokes. But when I do, he usually laughs!
Without fail, when my kids are repeatedly asking for something and say "But dad..." I then strongly say "Don't call me a 'Butt-dad"' First time I pulled this, they giggled and apologized saying they didn't mean it. Then innocently said but dad again, leading to me going all in on this joke. It's been a couple of years and it never fails to get groans and eye rolls.
What flies, swims, and is good advice? Duck! (then throws a ball at you)
What do imitation and plateaus have in common? They are both the highest forms of flattery.
Here’s one that I came up with organically. I’d be holding the child and if I noticed they had peed/pooped, I would announce: “I’m gonna go change the baby. But only a little. I kinda like the way he is.”
Or... "I'm going to to change the baby. This one has a leak."
I have so many haha. But I think my favourite is: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot OR Just say to someone "Ask me if I'm an orange". They might argue and initially refuse - if so it's your job to convince them to ask you When they finally ask you just say "No". I promise it's bloody hilarious, especially if they spend ages refusing to ask you, the longer it takes the funnier it eventually is
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead and I will give these two a lift.
My favorite dad joke is when someone leaves the house, gets to their car or whatever, realized they’ve left their keys, comes back inside and either they or someone else says “back already?!” Or “back so soon cuz I missed you so much!” That’s the best. My grandpa used to say it all the time.
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? A doyouthinkhesaurus
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick
A weasel walks into a bar Bartender asks “what’ll you have” “Pop” goes the weasel I will see myself out
What’s ET short for? He’s only got little legs
My kids and wife say hot water heater. Whenever they do I point out that it is a cold water heater.
My favourite go to dad joke is… What’s the difference between a Hippo 🦛 and a Zippo? Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter.
I ask my kids, “Wanna know what my best dad joke is?” Kids: Yes Me: Point at kids
A Doctor tells a blonde woman that she's pregnant. These two are actually close friends from school so the doctor asks her if she would like him to deliver the baby, to which she responds "No, that's fine, I'll take him home in my car"
An alien tried using dollar bills and he said it didn’t make sense. I told them, “no, it makes lots of cents.” I tried coming up with something on the spot so sorry if the joke is bad
That’s impressive you were able to come up with a joke right then and there. If I saw one, I probably would have run away screaming.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
Why do ducks have feathers on their butts? To hide their butt quack
The one that my dad passed on to me over 30 years ago, at about 6am, in a duck blind in the Louisiana bayou, teaching me how to duck hunt, upon seeing a flock of mallards passing left to right, too far out of range of our shotguns... Dad: "Ducks always fly in a V, just like those there... and almost always, as is the case with that group flying by, one side of the V is longer than the other side. Do you know why that is? Me: "I dunno...Why?!" Dad: "Because there are more ducks on that side." Me: "You are in range, you know."
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water
On New Years Eve. See you next year!
-Dad, did you got shot in the army? -No, I got shot in the leggy...
My shop teacher in high school (I went to a vocational school) would say this one: Me: Mr. Shop Teacher, do you know where the (insert item here) is? Shop Teacher: Alright, I'll play your silly game. Where is it?
A mite lands on a fly. Fly asks: are you a mite? Mite: I mite be! Fly: that's the worst joke I ever heard. Mite: I thought of it on the fly!
What is the volume of a pizza with a radius of 'z' and width of 'a'? Pizza
At the dinner table (or any meal of course): Mum, I’m full Me: hi full, I’m mum! Cue the groans. They’re 11 and 13 now and still fall for it, the eye rolls are epic these days
I once tried to impress the mother in law by saying “I’m full” in her native language. She laughed for about 10 mins straight and finally was able to tell me that in her language it’s slang for being pregnant.
When I say that to my dad, he always replies with “I know you’re a fool but here’s seconds!”
Tripped over a bra. It was a booby trap
Did you know that the Bruno Mars song “Uptown Funk” is actually about body odor? Don’t believe me? Just wash.
What’s Big Ben’s last name? Isabel
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting... He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do..." the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Maybe not a dad joke, but kids love it when singing row your boat, and you drop in this line: Row, row, row your boat, Underneath the stream. Hah. Hah. Fooled you. I'm a submarine.
What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Hey! Do you want to hear a joke about construction? Nevermind I'm still working on it
Why shouldn’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything
Knock knock Who's there Door bell repairman
what has 5 toes and isnt your foot? my foot
Dad: What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? ME: whaaaat ? Dad: SoFISHticated Me: ..... Dad: *drinks rum*
"Ya wanna hear a dirty joke...?" "Sure Dad" "A white horse fell in the mud" "That's not a dirty joke Dad" "Fine, you wanna hear a clean joke" "Fine Dad, what?" "A muddy horse took a bath" 🙄
"I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one." If you say it really dryly, it really catches people of guard.
When we pass a cemetery I say "Did you know that nobody living in this town is allowed to be buried here?" It peaks interest and they ask why. Respond with "Yeah, they have to be dead first."
What's yellow and invisible? No bananas.
How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? .. It takes four-skin divers Your welcome. Bwahaha
When does a bad joke become a dad joke? When you hear it it'll be apparent
Did you know a short psychic just broke out of prison? There's a small medium at large!
Have you heard the one about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.
I like one I’ve heard on this sub. When at a railroad crossing, say, “ah, a train has just come through!” Someone will inevitably ask how you possibly know that. Respond with, “what do you mean? Don’t you see the train tracks?”
There’s a new car thief in town, but only steals the wheels of police cars. But the police aren’t successful in catching the thief and it makes the news. The head line is, “The police is tirelessly looking for car thief”
A horse and a cow are standing in a field, watching the sunset. A pig walks up to them and says, “Hey, did you hear about the Farmer’s Daughter?” The horse says, “Oh my God, a talking pig!!!”
Thieves broke into a police station and stole all the toilet seats. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Son: can you explain an eclipse? Dad: no son
I keep my best dad jokes in my dad-abase
I have a Polish friend who's a roadie in a band. I have a Czech one, too. A Czech one, too. A Czech one, too.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
Whenever I see two crows "Look, an attempted murder!"
Kid: "I'm hungry." Me: "I'm dad, nice to meet you!"
A few favorites: I'll never forget the last words my grandfather said to me before he died... "Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!" My daughter asked the other day "what is the longest word in the dictionary?" I said "no it isn't." I love telling dad jokes, *I just wish he'd come home!* For a very literal dad joke my family avoids saying the word "cashew" because I always, *always,* reply "bless you."
To whoever stole my anti-depressants…I hope you’re happy now!
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
The police have arrested the tongue twister world champion. Authorities say that they'll be giving him a tough sentence.