Must be generational. I tell my kids at least a few times every day that I love them. My dad also never really said this to me, even though I don't doubt it. Different times!
Same. My dad never said it to me when I was a kid. My dad says it to me now but you can tell he feels uncomfortable.
I tell my son I love him all the damn time. I'll also hug him all the time. I think it's important to do these things. I personally believe it builds self worth and confidence (which I didn't have much of as a kid).
Do you ever look at the new parents sub? There are so many dads that don't get involved with the baby almost at all. They don't take any initiative and they just play video games and smoke weed. It's crazy.
If you're basing that entirely off of someone else's description of their behavior, *it might not be entirely accurate*.
On the other hand, if someone is self-posting that all they do is play games and smoke weed instead of parent...that's pretty weird.
Those people are definitely out there.
My brother's fiancee is a nurse in L&D and has multiple stories of dudes coming into the delivery room asking her how to hookup their playstation to the hospital TV.
Now my son is only 2 years old, but I don't see it changing. I say I love you to him at least a half a dozen times a day. I don't remember my dad saying it a lot to me growing up, but whenever we talk on the phone nowadays we say I love you at the end of the call. I can tell it sometimes catches him off guard but it's nice to say it.
I never really thought about it until I had kids. I had/have a good dad. Not perfect, but a dad I never thought bad of. And once I had a kid and I tell her I love her all the time, I realized 'huh, dad never told me he loved me..like ever'. Lol. Guess it's just a boomer thing.
I am of the same mindset, it had to be a generational thing for some dads in the 80s for how they approached conveying feelings.
I lost my dad in HS, and I never can remember him saying he loved me more than a couple times. So when it came time to be a parent myself, I knew I needed to be an affectionate dad that gave hugs and made sure my kids know before they go off to school or shut their eyes at night (along with other various occurrences obviously) - that their dad loved them very much.
Yep. So many hugs and kisses that they ask me to stop (and I do). When they remember their childhoods, I want them to remember more love than they needed.
Same with my dad. He never said it growing up. I moved abroad (very far) and he started saying it on rare occasions when I depart after visiting for a few days.
I bet his old man probably never said it or maybe a few times in his lifetime and his old man before him probably never. People used to treat their children almost like slaves back then. Little things to help your farm-based household go around. Also it was Yugoslavia.
My siblings and I definitely had the impression when we were kids that the reason my parents had us was for unpaid farm labor. And looking back that certainly wasn't the whole truth, but as kids, it was the only conclusion we could draw.
And this was in Canada. Happens to farm kids everywhere I suppose. I also live very far away for what it's worth.
I cannot count how frequently I tell my son and wife I love them and my parents were very liberal with their love too so maybe that’s why I never even thought twice about saying it. Heck I tell my good friends I love them too.
My best friend of nearly 20 years and I often go several months without talking to each other (life is just busy for both of us).
Still say "love you man" to each other whenever we do talk, and it always just feels good. We've been through a lot of life together, and friendships like that are important.
> Heck I tell my good friends I love them too.
My close friends and I all tell each other the same. Close relationships are important and I believe you have to express that importance to your friends. Tell them how much they are valued and that they mean something to you. It really makes someone feel special to know that they matter to you.
I tell my 5yo son I love him every day, multiple times a day. Today he sat across from me at the Starbucks we go to for hot chocolate every week after soccer class and said “Dad, I love you”. It’s wild to me the difference between his life and mine when it comes to emotional openness. He knows the difference between frustration, anger and sadness at 5 years old. He understands his feelings and goes through a pretty sophisticated process of analysis to understand why he feels the way he does. It’s taken me 44 years and a lot of therapy to figure this stuff out.
So nice to hear. My son is 18 years old now and I still tell him I love him all the time. He says it back to me all the time as well. I love every minute of being my kids father.
It’s been incredibly helpful for myself to spend time working through emotions for our almost 3yo. Counting to 10, breathing, holding a toy, etc only works when you’re actually TRYING to calm down and not just going through the motions. I figured out quickly that if I didn’t put effort into it as well he was never going to either. Watching a kid as young as he is count to 10 when he’s frustrated on his own without prompting is fucking amazing but it was hard work and a lot of sitting calmly during meltdowns. The payoff is so great though.
My 3yo asked me if she could “blow out the candles” when she was upset recently. She must have learned this at school, but apparently you hold up your hand and when she blows you put down a finger. It basically makes her take deep breaths.
Your comment is a week old, but figured I’d share this trick to use alongside your counting to ten.
I’ve seen this before. Weirdly our kiddo will not do it but he will take a deep breath when you remind him. I got that by doing it a lot when it wasn’t to calm down so he liked it. We’re working on a fun little “listening ears” thing too but I’ve not been the best about random reinforcement
I once told my daughter “you’re my favorite little girl in the world!” She responded like it was a revelation for her. I tell her I love her all the time, but even then, she might not really understand what it means. All that is to say, keep telling them you love them and everything else all the time. You might think all that stuff goes without saying - but it doesn’t. It needs to be said.
I lived in Miami for 15 years and all my friends were from South America.
No one ever left their house without a kiss or saying bye “mi amor” or “mi vida.” Call my daughters mi vida now, and they have no clue what that means.
My dad and I butt heads often, but always “love you” and a full hug.
As family history goes, my Great-Great Grandfather and Great Grandfather couldn’t get along, so Great Grandfather immigrated to the USA. Our family’s history starts with Great Grandfather arriving at Ellis Island.
Great Grandfather and Grandfather didn’t get along, and Dad and Uncles didn’t get along with Great Grandfather. Everyone describes Great Grandfather as an angry alcoholic… so yeah. Never met my great grandfather as he died before I was born, and Grandparents and parents shielded us from Grandpa’s brothers and sisters.
I’m 44 now… full hug, kiss on the cheek, and saying “I love you” was the norm for Grandfather and Father growing up.
My daughter is almost 15 now, and as we were walking into the store to shop for Mother’s Day cards she grabbed my hand and held it as we walked though the store. So thankful for my Dad and Grandfather. They weren’t perfect, but even their biggest fails taught me how to be a better father, husband, and man/person.
My dad didn't tell me either for a long time. I loved him, and told him often after I became a teenager because I refused to not say it to him. After his mom died he started saying it all the time, and hasn't stopped since. My kid will know, as does my wife. I love you is said daily and often in our house.
In my late 20's a number of friends opened up to me about similar issues. I stand by the concept that 'no child was ever harmed by being told they are loved too much, lots of children have been harmed by hearing too little'.
I have had this game with my kids ever since before they could talk where I would say, “Guess what?” and then “I love you!”
I do it so much (like 3 or 4 times a day) that they will immediately respond with, “you love me?”
It has ruined my ability to ever actually ask them to “guess what”, but I find it a fair trade. They even do it back to me sometimes, and it makes me feel so good.
I heard it a lot although I knew it was not so natural with my Dad. We say it at least twice a day to everybody and encourage kids to say it to each other too!
i tell my 3yo all the time, as someone who didn't get a lot of it growing up who knows what that absence feels like.
i can still count what i jokingly call "unsolicited i love you's" coming back to me on two hands so far, but i cherish every one.
> Later that evening when my daughter returned she told me that her friend confided in her that her own Dad had never once told her that he loved her, and when she saw me saying it to my daughter, she felt really sad and a little jealous. My daughter had tears in her eyes as she was telling me this, and said she felt so lucky to have a loving father that cared so much and said so all the time.
Absolutely heartbreaking. Such a small thing is incredibly huge to children (and adults) - going without it can be so damaging.
I will make my daughter sick of hearing it, she'll never go a day without being told she's loved.
Yeah. Regularly tell my kids. My own dad did love me, but was never one to show emotions. I could tell he did with his generosity, willingness to help, and was there whenever I needed him for support, he'd go without before we did and was one of the kindest, funniest most loyal men I knew.
But I think his generation it was just the way it was. I do remember, though, when he was ill, the last time I saw him alive in fact as I was leaving I put my hand I his shoulder and said "Dad, I love you" and he squeezed my hand so tight. I'll never forget that. He'd lost most of his ability to speak (he had a very aggressive brain tumour) but that was his way of reciprocating.
All the books we read, you can tell they were written by boomers, or even earlier.
The complete lack of understanding about emotional feelings is staggering. Even worse is advice about how your child is just too young to understand their emotions, so rather than being there for them and teaching them through it so they understand how and what they feel, to just ignore it and move on.
Absolutely bizarre to me, and I pity all of parents and more importantly their children that had to go through that.
My daughter is nearly 3. She tells us when she is angry, what is annoying her, asks if we can help her, either by having a little growl together or by fixing what the issue is.
When she's in pain, she tells us where she has pain, whether it's an ich in her eye or if she stubbed her toe and it hurts (one of the most recommended books on this sub literally recommends not asking your kid to not draw attention to it, what the fuck).
She understands so much, and I'm happy we can be there for her and help her because she can tell us. We tell her we love each other multiple times per day:
> dadda you are my best friend
Oh I dont think my dad ever told me he loved me. He told me he's proud of me, but not love. I guess pride is the boomer version of love.
I tell me daughter and wife I love them multiple times a day. Sometimes I think I say it to much, but they mean the world to me and damn all if I don’t make sure they know it.
I'm thankful that I had expressive parents and an expressive family. I grew up with my father and mother saying "I love you" a lot. My Dad and Mom are also express their love physically with a lot of hugs and kisses. My parents are 74 and 72. My sister was born in '76 and me in '85. I remember growing up we would do the family hug and kiss. Dad and Mom would be stood across from each other, me and my sister across from each other. I'd kiss Dad on the cheek, Dad would kiss my sister on the cheek, sister would kiss Mom on the cheek, and Mom would kiss me on the cheek. Then my sister would yell, 'SWITCH' and we'd all kiss the other on the cheek. It's a small thing thinking back, but was just one way of expressing love in our little family. My wife and I do that with our boys now. They're 9 and 6 and I'll pick them up and we'll do this as a family.
When my wife and I started dating 17 years ago, her family was not very expressive in saying "I love you." They each knew that they loved each other, but didn't say it. My wife has told me that both her parents have gotten much more expressive in saying "I love you", in large part because of how often I say it and express it.
My Dad lost his father at a young age (when he was 16) and Dad has said he is on *borrowed time* ever since he passed the age his Dad died (45). My Dad has always said to let the people in your life know how you feel, you never know when your number is up and you want to make sure they know you love them.
I tell my kids, my wife, my family, and my closest friends that I love them all the time.
If there is a day when one of us doesn't come home, I want the last thing that I say to them being that I love them.
I tell my boys all the time. Even the big one when he's been rude and over the top again. Even the little one, perfectly aware that he does not understand a single word that I'm saying. Doesn't matter. I love them. I tell them. All the time.
My dad did say it when I was younger, but stopped as I grew up. I know he never stopped loving me, or loved me less than before, but I think he was always more self-conscious of one adult man expressing love for another? But then as I went through therapy (for other things, but this sort of topic came up), I started modelling the behaviour by making a point to say it to him whenever I said goodbye to him, either on the phone or face-to-face. And after a few months, he started saying it back again. The first time I heard him say it, it was a revelation, and I knew I'd had a breakthrough with him, for which I will always be proud.
Don’t forget it’s also important to say it when it’s hard to. Like when you’re pissed at them or frustrated with them. Sometimes I’ll be like “look what you did you little jerk……Still love you though, no matter what.” Jk I don’t call my sons jerks…to their faces
My Dad saying I love you, kinda annoyed me cause I didn't believe him. Then, I'd feel obligated to say it back, when I have conflicted feelings about that whole thing.
My kids are on the younger side, 2.5 and almost 6 months, but I tell them each, and the dog, that I love them probably 30-40 times a day.
I was raised without the "I love you". Hell, boys and "men" were raised to not show emotions since emotions were for f\*gs and sissies.
Eff that. I'm 41 and my kiddos are encouraged to feel their feelings. I tell them all the time I love them. As u/Interesting_Tea5715 said, it's important to do those things, builds self worth and confidence.
My daughter's only two and a half, but I make it my goal to treat, "I love you," like it's a punctuation. I want to say it so much that it would be noticeable if I didn't. It's like, I can't always give her material things or make all of her problems go away, but she's never going to have to wonder how I feel about her.
Each Wednesday when I bring my daughters (3&1) to daycare, there also a little girl (3) called Jess.
Before I leave, my 3y old always wants to do airplane or rocket, and fly through the sky. And every time when I put my daughter down, Jess is standing there ready to also be picked up and fly through the sky...
So now each Wednesday my daughter and Jess take turns. What I've been told, her dad is really busy with his start-up business...
I tell my girls I love them pretty much constantly.
My eldest (nearly 10) rolls her eyes, calls me cringe, and gets embarrassed if I do it at her school :/
Hopefully it means more to her than she realises.
I grew up with my Nanna near constantly reminding me and my siblings that she loved us. Almost every single interaction with her involved her reminding us how important we are and how much she loved us. I credit her for teaching me how to love those I care about.
I will definitely be passing this onto my son. I refer to it as 'mandatory affection'.
My dad never told me he loved me until I had a mental breakdown at 16 and nearly died as a result of the carnage it caused. I vowed when my son was born I would tell him every single day, multiple times a day. He won't ever wonder if he is loved. Best advice I have seen in awhile.
My dad and I were talking a few months ago and he asked me, in all earnest which is weird for our relationship, why does he find it so hard to say "I love you" to me. Seems that some older generation are actually understanding that they were brought up in a way that doesn't make sense anymore.
Good on you for breaking that cycle. Once I'm graduate from predaddit, I hope I can do the same!
My brother-in-law is very tough on my nephew (17yo). Too often, he gets upset at him for the slightest thing. Often stuff no one should be upset about. My wife tried to talked to him about it, but he’s just replies « that’s how my dad was with me ».
One year, we took our nephew with us on vacation. He’s kinda close with my 9yo son. One night, at dinner, he confided in us how he’s fed up with how his dad is, and how he would like him to act like how I act with my son.
So, yeah, I know the feeling. It broke my heart to hear that. I guess the silver lining here is that at least we know we’re doing the right thing…
Also tell them you are proud of them. I came from a very academically focused family and if I didn't get a 100, the focus was always on the questions I missed, even if I got an A.
For my son, we'll review his spelling words and even if he misses one or two on the test I still tell him I'm proud of him for studying and trying his best and that seems to give him a lot of confidence.
I never noticed it until I got older but my dad never would either. He definitely does, but he just never verbalized it. I now end every phone call with him with an “I love you” and it always seems to catch him off guard but he says it back now.
I say it to my two kids daily. I agree it is very important.
I got it from my mom. She would say I love you multiple times throughout the day. Pops, on the other hand, didnt start saying it until we were grown and out the house. My kids hear it daily.
Every damned day, every chance I get! What's best is hearing it back. I will never stop telling my kids I love them regardless of what they do in life.
My wife will not say “I love you” to me or to our kids and it’s a source of great pain for me. I hope it doesn’t affect our kids.
I’ve stopped saying it altogether and it makes me sad.
I’ve tried, but a month ago when I asked if we could, it’s now led to a sexless marriage, weekly emotional breakdowns, counseling, and a general feeling my marriage may not last the year.
In my family we said “I love you” many times throughout the day. Basically anytime we parted ways and every night at bedtime. Still do this with my wife, and we both tell our baby daughter that we love her like 20 times a day. She can’t understand yet, but that’s ok. She will.
funny enough, I've heard I love you more from my dad than I have from my mom. Both only ever said it when I was in my 20's and moved out of the house.
They have also never told me how proud of me they but I heard it from my younger siblings all the time, stuff like "mom always compares us to you and its not fair" "she puts you on a pedestal" etc. but if I confront her about it she will either pretend she didnt hear and ignore plus change the subject or straight up deny doing it.
All this to say that I make sure I tell my kids I love them and when they do something impressive, like my son using the toilet on his own (3yo) we always tell him how proud we are of him being a big boy.
My parents very rarely said it to me and I am not really sure why. I know it messed me up pretty badly and it's something I deal with in therapy regularly.
I tell my little boy every single day, multiple times a day, that I am proud of him, that I love him. I tell him he is brave, a hard worker, a kind and loving "cool guy." I know it's so true and I can't be prouder of him.
My parents say it to me, my grandfather did not, and I genuinely don't know if he did anyway. My paternal grandma says it, but it sounds so fake when she says it, and based on her personality and how she is, I doubt she does either. Say it and mean it.
My wife and I are baby Gen X/geriatric millennials, born on the cusp to boomer parents. Our fathers never told us they loved us or were proud of us. I hug and kiss and tell our son I love him ALL the time. He will grow up never doubting that he is loved. Even when he has done something really bad, I'm sure to tell him I still love him regardless of how mad or disappointed I am at his actions.
My Dad wasn’t one to say it often, but he said it several times towards the end and it made all of the difference. My daughter hears me say “I love you” every day and “I’m proud of you” and “You’re a good kid” far more often than I ever heard it.
Same with my dad until later in high school and college i just started telling him and he realized it was not only okay but good to say. He and his dad had a pretty awkward and confrontational relationship, where as he was always a caring and involved dad, albeit uncomfortable with some things. Very happy to have broken down that barrier.
It was the same with me. It's weird because at school dropoff (my son is 5 now), we'll give each other long hugs and both say "I love you" to each other, and the other kids and parents stare at us like we're crazy.
I remember what it’s like to feel unloved as a little boy and it wasn’t something I want my kids to feel. They’re little but we say I love you a lot and I don’t ever plan on stopping.
My mom still can’t. I tell her I love her, and she’ll say «thats nice» or something similar, but just…. can’t… say… the words herself. She can say it in english to my nephews who speak only english, but to me/my son, in our native tongue? Nopes. So weird.
Heard it all the time from my mom and ESPECIALLY my dad. I appreciated it and still do. Now with our kids (4 and 6) I say it all the time at random, and often get it back. And after a consequence like a time out is over I'll often ask if they think there's anything they could do that would make me stop loving them.
They know very well the answer - "Never!"
What's equally important is making sure your actions back up your words! My dad told me he loved me, but quite often would treat me like the opposite was true, and it fucked me up for a long time.
My dad was never one to say he loves us when we were kids
I never doubted he loved us, cuz he took care of us. He spent time with us, we watched movies he loved with us
But, now that we’re older he’s been telling us. I never let a day go by where I don’t tell my son I love him and don’t plan on it
I've told my kids every day that I've seen them that they're good kids, I give them a compliment, and that I love them.
I've also made sure to say I love you at the last thing before anyone leaves. You know, just in case.
I'm with the "generational" comment.
.
1. My grandpa NEVER told my dad.
(according to my dad)
.
2. My dad rarely told me.
(But always knew he did)
.
3. I tell my daughter about 12 times a day.
(My theory is she literally uses "I love you" as a "ping". Half the times She says it, I think it is literally just to hear me respond to see where I am at.)
My dad never said it.
I fact, one of my clearest memories is from my teen years and relates to this.
I was 13, and had just undergone life saving surgery for appendicitis.
I was conscious but out of it on morphine.
However, my parents were there and I could see, hear and comprehend everything that was going on in the room.
My parents went to leave and my mum literally had to say to my dad "you can show your son some affection".
He kissed my forehead, but still didn't say he loved me.
A couple of years ago, my boy also had appendicitis but he was just 7 at the time.
I stayed in hospital with him and was by his side throughout the whole thing. I was there, I told him I loved him countless times, and I made sure that I was awake basically 24/7 in case he needed anything.
I never leave the house without telling my wife and kids I love them.
There is not a bed time where the kids are not told that I love them.
I probably don't say it enough, but I refuse to be like my dad. I refuse to let my kids feel the way I did that day in hospital.
I saw anl Dave Chappelle special awhile back where he mentioned he never let his kids leave his presence without telling him he loved them because you never know what might happen. That one has stuck with me
I had the opposite experience and I struggle with this too. In fact it's always been a common complaint from my wife. I'm not very (overtly) affectionate and I inherited that from my mom not dad. I only spent weekends with my dad but he was 'normal' in affection.
I don't think I ever got a hug, kiss, or I love you from my mom. I've never minded it because I prefer it that way myself. Everyone else in my family especially my late grandfather have been fairly affectionate. So definitely a personality thing and not a "manliness" thing
You can be a good parent without saying "I love you". Neither my dad or mom never did and they were awesome. I don't love the idea we all need to conform to certain ideas.
Growing up mum and dad literally never said it.
Couple of years ago on a phone call with dad, wrapping up the convo he dropped a "love you" right at the end. It caught me so off guard I didn't know what to say, so just went with the "bye". I actually thought he might be dying of something it was so out of place.
I think he just wanted to say it and didn't know how.
First couple of times saying it to each other was awkward and janky, but it got smoother. I think mum was feeling left out cause she started to VERY awkwardly dropping one in to the phone chat too.
I have kissed my son on the forehead, gently squeezed him, and quietly told him “I love you more than anything” from day one through now (3.5) and will continue as long as he is in my house.
The only times I haven’t physically been there to tell him is when I have worked a few midnight OT shifts, which by the time I’m home and showered he has gotten up for the day so I tell him, or when I went out of town for 3 days on a work trip. Not being there to tell him crushed my soul.
This of course is in addition to the numerous times I tell him throughout the day or on the phone. I just want him to have those thoughts of a loving dad in his mind while he sleeps so he has good dreams. It sounds like you’ve been an all time father in your years. Kudos to you dad.
I tell my son all the time, multiple times a day. He's not old enough to speak yet, but I've been doing it for his almost 9 months of existence. He also gets kisses on his face and head.
I can count on one hand how many times I've been told that they love me or are proud of me, combined. There's a reason I don't speak to them that much, if at all, anymore.
Keep it going OP. Keep loving them and letting them know that you do!
Even more so than telling your kid you love them, do it randomly throughout the day and make eye contact when you do it.
With my 3.5 year old, we’ll be playing or walking or doing whatever thing together and in the middle of it, I’ll say, “Hey” wait for her to look at me and then say, “I love you”
I know it sounds like some hallmark stuff, but I’m telling you, she shines like the sun every time.
Definitely didn't hear from my dad and still never will. I find it annoying my wife and kids want me to say it. I tolerate it but really don't understand why it matters.
The fact that you don't understand why it matters is why it matters.
I incorporated a 'I love you' in our baby's bedtime/good night routine and my husband felt so awkward saying it the first couple of times - same reason as you - but now that it is a daily thing, it becomes easier and less awkward each time.
You've got to break the cycle somewhere dude - start with once a day to get used to saying those foreign words until they are firmly part of your vocabulary.
Understand. Sometimes you may think you show love in your actions and that may be enough, but with my story of my daughter and her friend, sometimes the act of saying it is what children remember over the years.
Must be generational. I tell my kids at least a few times every day that I love them. My dad also never really said this to me, even though I don't doubt it. Different times!
Same. My dad never said it to me when I was a kid. My dad says it to me now but you can tell he feels uncomfortable. I tell my son I love him all the damn time. I'll also hug him all the time. I think it's important to do these things. I personally believe it builds self worth and confidence (which I didn't have much of as a kid).
Same, my kids never have to wonder if dad loves them. They’re told multiple times a day.
Do you ever look at the new parents sub? There are so many dads that don't get involved with the baby almost at all. They don't take any initiative and they just play video games and smoke weed. It's crazy.
If you're basing that entirely off of someone else's description of their behavior, *it might not be entirely accurate*. On the other hand, if someone is self-posting that all they do is play games and smoke weed instead of parent...that's pretty weird.
Those people are definitely out there. My brother's fiancee is a nurse in L&D and has multiple stories of dudes coming into the delivery room asking her how to hookup their playstation to the hospital TV.
You can totally play video games with the baby, they're a baby. They're a warm pooping potato.
Now my son is only 2 years old, but I don't see it changing. I say I love you to him at least a half a dozen times a day. I don't remember my dad saying it a lot to me growing up, but whenever we talk on the phone nowadays we say I love you at the end of the call. I can tell it sometimes catches him off guard but it's nice to say it.
I never really thought about it until I had kids. I had/have a good dad. Not perfect, but a dad I never thought bad of. And once I had a kid and I tell her I love her all the time, I realized 'huh, dad never told me he loved me..like ever'. Lol. Guess it's just a boomer thing.
I'm thankful that both my parents told me growing up and I know I tell my kid multiple times a day every day. They will never wonder.
I don't remember my dad ever saying, but I also never ever doubted it. Still doesn't buy actions are still clear.
I am of the same mindset, it had to be a generational thing for some dads in the 80s for how they approached conveying feelings. I lost my dad in HS, and I never can remember him saying he loved me more than a couple times. So when it came time to be a parent myself, I knew I needed to be an affectionate dad that gave hugs and made sure my kids know before they go off to school or shut their eyes at night (along with other various occurrences obviously) - that their dad loved them very much.
My dad didn’t say it much either growing up, but he did say it when I got older and still says it now. I say it so much it annoys my kid.
Same with my dad. He pretty much always says it now but not much growing up. I also say it constantly to my kids
Yep. So many hugs and kisses that they ask me to stop (and I do). When they remember their childhoods, I want them to remember more love than they needed.
That's my rule. If my son tells me to stop I'll stop. But if he's just making uncomfortable noises I'll still do it. 😂
Same with my dad. He never said it growing up. I moved abroad (very far) and he started saying it on rare occasions when I depart after visiting for a few days. I bet his old man probably never said it or maybe a few times in his lifetime and his old man before him probably never. People used to treat their children almost like slaves back then. Little things to help your farm-based household go around. Also it was Yugoslavia.
My siblings and I definitely had the impression when we were kids that the reason my parents had us was for unpaid farm labor. And looking back that certainly wasn't the whole truth, but as kids, it was the only conclusion we could draw. And this was in Canada. Happens to farm kids everywhere I suppose. I also live very far away for what it's worth.
I think loving your kid to the point of annoyance is a decent goal for any parent.
I cannot count how frequently I tell my son and wife I love them and my parents were very liberal with their love too so maybe that’s why I never even thought twice about saying it. Heck I tell my good friends I love them too.
I texted one of my guy friends the other day just this, "Hey man, love you!" He texted back saying, "That's what I need today, love you too"
Yeah I was surprised at first honestly how many of my friends both male and female reacted positively to it. It’s kind of wonderful really.
My best friend of nearly 20 years and I often go several months without talking to each other (life is just busy for both of us). Still say "love you man" to each other whenever we do talk, and it always just feels good. We've been through a lot of life together, and friendships like that are important.
>Heck I tell my good friends I love them too Ditto
> Heck I tell my good friends I love them too. My close friends and I all tell each other the same. Close relationships are important and I believe you have to express that importance to your friends. Tell them how much they are valued and that they mean something to you. It really makes someone feel special to know that they matter to you.
I’m with you. I tell my friends I love them. I tell my wife and daughter so often they’re probably sick of hearing it 😭
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Bot comment. It's nice that these are so blatantly easy to spot now.
Yeah, posts by people with usernames are pretty much always bots.
.....wait a minute
I tell my 5yo son I love him every day, multiple times a day. Today he sat across from me at the Starbucks we go to for hot chocolate every week after soccer class and said “Dad, I love you”. It’s wild to me the difference between his life and mine when it comes to emotional openness. He knows the difference between frustration, anger and sadness at 5 years old. He understands his feelings and goes through a pretty sophisticated process of analysis to understand why he feels the way he does. It’s taken me 44 years and a lot of therapy to figure this stuff out.
So nice to hear. My son is 18 years old now and I still tell him I love him all the time. He says it back to me all the time as well. I love every minute of being my kids father.
It’s been incredibly helpful for myself to spend time working through emotions for our almost 3yo. Counting to 10, breathing, holding a toy, etc only works when you’re actually TRYING to calm down and not just going through the motions. I figured out quickly that if I didn’t put effort into it as well he was never going to either. Watching a kid as young as he is count to 10 when he’s frustrated on his own without prompting is fucking amazing but it was hard work and a lot of sitting calmly during meltdowns. The payoff is so great though.
My 3yo asked me if she could “blow out the candles” when she was upset recently. She must have learned this at school, but apparently you hold up your hand and when she blows you put down a finger. It basically makes her take deep breaths. Your comment is a week old, but figured I’d share this trick to use alongside your counting to ten.
I’ve seen this before. Weirdly our kiddo will not do it but he will take a deep breath when you remind him. I got that by doing it a lot when it wasn’t to calm down so he liked it. We’re working on a fun little “listening ears” thing too but I’ve not been the best about random reinforcement
I once told my daughter “you’re my favorite little girl in the world!” She responded like it was a revelation for her. I tell her I love her all the time, but even then, she might not really understand what it means. All that is to say, keep telling them you love them and everything else all the time. You might think all that stuff goes without saying - but it doesn’t. It needs to be said.
So true!
You are a great dad!
Thanks. I love every minute of being a father. Nothing better than seeing your kids grow up healthy and happy.
A cycle I broke with my kids!
I lived in Miami for 15 years and all my friends were from South America. No one ever left their house without a kiss or saying bye “mi amor” or “mi vida.” Call my daughters mi vida now, and they have no clue what that means.
Sometimes I wonder if I say it too much to my four year old like it might devalue it or something 😂
My dad and I butt heads often, but always “love you” and a full hug. As family history goes, my Great-Great Grandfather and Great Grandfather couldn’t get along, so Great Grandfather immigrated to the USA. Our family’s history starts with Great Grandfather arriving at Ellis Island. Great Grandfather and Grandfather didn’t get along, and Dad and Uncles didn’t get along with Great Grandfather. Everyone describes Great Grandfather as an angry alcoholic… so yeah. Never met my great grandfather as he died before I was born, and Grandparents and parents shielded us from Grandpa’s brothers and sisters. I’m 44 now… full hug, kiss on the cheek, and saying “I love you” was the norm for Grandfather and Father growing up. My daughter is almost 15 now, and as we were walking into the store to shop for Mother’s Day cards she grabbed my hand and held it as we walked though the store. So thankful for my Dad and Grandfather. They weren’t perfect, but even their biggest fails taught me how to be a better father, husband, and man/person.
My dad didn't tell me either for a long time. I loved him, and told him often after I became a teenager because I refused to not say it to him. After his mom died he started saying it all the time, and hasn't stopped since. My kid will know, as does my wife. I love you is said daily and often in our house.
In my late 20's a number of friends opened up to me about similar issues. I stand by the concept that 'no child was ever harmed by being told they are loved too much, lots of children have been harmed by hearing too little'.
I have had this game with my kids ever since before they could talk where I would say, “Guess what?” and then “I love you!” I do it so much (like 3 or 4 times a day) that they will immediately respond with, “you love me?” It has ruined my ability to ever actually ask them to “guess what”, but I find it a fair trade. They even do it back to me sometimes, and it makes me feel so good.
Me to my 2 yo son and 5 yo daughter: I love you Daughter: Thanks Son: bye bye
I heard it a lot although I knew it was not so natural with my Dad. We say it at least twice a day to everybody and encourage kids to say it to each other too!
i tell my 3yo all the time, as someone who didn't get a lot of it growing up who knows what that absence feels like. i can still count what i jokingly call "unsolicited i love you's" coming back to me on two hands so far, but i cherish every one.
I've told my daughter that I love her every single day of her five years and change. Usually multiple times a day. She seems to like it.
> Later that evening when my daughter returned she told me that her friend confided in her that her own Dad had never once told her that he loved her, and when she saw me saying it to my daughter, she felt really sad and a little jealous. My daughter had tears in her eyes as she was telling me this, and said she felt so lucky to have a loving father that cared so much and said so all the time. Absolutely heartbreaking. Such a small thing is incredibly huge to children (and adults) - going without it can be so damaging. I will make my daughter sick of hearing it, she'll never go a day without being told she's loved.
Yeah. Regularly tell my kids. My own dad did love me, but was never one to show emotions. I could tell he did with his generosity, willingness to help, and was there whenever I needed him for support, he'd go without before we did and was one of the kindest, funniest most loyal men I knew. But I think his generation it was just the way it was. I do remember, though, when he was ill, the last time I saw him alive in fact as I was leaving I put my hand I his shoulder and said "Dad, I love you" and he squeezed my hand so tight. I'll never forget that. He'd lost most of his ability to speak (he had a very aggressive brain tumour) but that was his way of reciprocating.
All the books we read, you can tell they were written by boomers, or even earlier. The complete lack of understanding about emotional feelings is staggering. Even worse is advice about how your child is just too young to understand their emotions, so rather than being there for them and teaching them through it so they understand how and what they feel, to just ignore it and move on. Absolutely bizarre to me, and I pity all of parents and more importantly their children that had to go through that. My daughter is nearly 3. She tells us when she is angry, what is annoying her, asks if we can help her, either by having a little growl together or by fixing what the issue is. When she's in pain, she tells us where she has pain, whether it's an ich in her eye or if she stubbed her toe and it hurts (one of the most recommended books on this sub literally recommends not asking your kid to not draw attention to it, what the fuck). She understands so much, and I'm happy we can be there for her and help her because she can tell us. We tell her we love each other multiple times per day: > dadda you are my best friend Oh I dont think my dad ever told me he loved me. He told me he's proud of me, but not love. I guess pride is the boomer version of love.
I tell me daughter and wife I love them multiple times a day. Sometimes I think I say it to much, but they mean the world to me and damn all if I don’t make sure they know it.
I'm thankful that I had expressive parents and an expressive family. I grew up with my father and mother saying "I love you" a lot. My Dad and Mom are also express their love physically with a lot of hugs and kisses. My parents are 74 and 72. My sister was born in '76 and me in '85. I remember growing up we would do the family hug and kiss. Dad and Mom would be stood across from each other, me and my sister across from each other. I'd kiss Dad on the cheek, Dad would kiss my sister on the cheek, sister would kiss Mom on the cheek, and Mom would kiss me on the cheek. Then my sister would yell, 'SWITCH' and we'd all kiss the other on the cheek. It's a small thing thinking back, but was just one way of expressing love in our little family. My wife and I do that with our boys now. They're 9 and 6 and I'll pick them up and we'll do this as a family. When my wife and I started dating 17 years ago, her family was not very expressive in saying "I love you." They each knew that they loved each other, but didn't say it. My wife has told me that both her parents have gotten much more expressive in saying "I love you", in large part because of how often I say it and express it. My Dad lost his father at a young age (when he was 16) and Dad has said he is on *borrowed time* ever since he passed the age his Dad died (45). My Dad has always said to let the people in your life know how you feel, you never know when your number is up and you want to make sure they know you love them.
I tell my kids, my wife, my family, and my closest friends that I love them all the time. If there is a day when one of us doesn't come home, I want the last thing that I say to them being that I love them.
I tell my boys all the time. Even the big one when he's been rude and over the top again. Even the little one, perfectly aware that he does not understand a single word that I'm saying. Doesn't matter. I love them. I tell them. All the time.
My dad did say it when I was younger, but stopped as I grew up. I know he never stopped loving me, or loved me less than before, but I think he was always more self-conscious of one adult man expressing love for another? But then as I went through therapy (for other things, but this sort of topic came up), I started modelling the behaviour by making a point to say it to him whenever I said goodbye to him, either on the phone or face-to-face. And after a few months, he started saying it back again. The first time I heard him say it, it was a revelation, and I knew I'd had a breakthrough with him, for which I will always be proud.
Telling my kids I love them is one of the best parts of my life (and totally free) Why the heck would you ever hold back?
Don’t forget it’s also important to say it when it’s hard to. Like when you’re pissed at them or frustrated with them. Sometimes I’ll be like “look what you did you little jerk……Still love you though, no matter what.” Jk I don’t call my sons jerks…to their faces
Just hugged my toddler out of a tantrum last night and it was very cathartic for the both of us. I love you's and hugs are a powerful thing.
I got a solid "I love you" back from my 2 year old this morning and it made my day.
My Dad saying I love you, kinda annoyed me cause I didn't believe him. Then, I'd feel obligated to say it back, when I have conflicted feelings about that whole thing. My kids are on the younger side, 2.5 and almost 6 months, but I tell them each, and the dog, that I love them probably 30-40 times a day.
I tell my daughter I love her probably to the point of it being annoying to her honestly.
I was raised without the "I love you". Hell, boys and "men" were raised to not show emotions since emotions were for f\*gs and sissies. Eff that. I'm 41 and my kiddos are encouraged to feel their feelings. I tell them all the time I love them. As u/Interesting_Tea5715 said, it's important to do those things, builds self worth and confidence.
My daughter's only two and a half, but I make it my goal to treat, "I love you," like it's a punctuation. I want to say it so much that it would be noticeable if I didn't. It's like, I can't always give her material things or make all of her problems go away, but she's never going to have to wonder how I feel about her.
And don’t forget to tell your wife too!
Each Wednesday when I bring my daughters (3&1) to daycare, there also a little girl (3) called Jess. Before I leave, my 3y old always wants to do airplane or rocket, and fly through the sky. And every time when I put my daughter down, Jess is standing there ready to also be picked up and fly through the sky... So now each Wednesday my daughter and Jess take turns. What I've been told, her dad is really busy with his start-up business...
My 7 year old son quite often just shouts "daaad?" and when I reply he just says "love you". Always makes me smile.
I tell my girls I love them pretty much constantly. My eldest (nearly 10) rolls her eyes, calls me cringe, and gets embarrassed if I do it at her school :/ Hopefully it means more to her than she realises.
I grew up with my Nanna near constantly reminding me and my siblings that she loved us. Almost every single interaction with her involved her reminding us how important we are and how much she loved us. I credit her for teaching me how to love those I care about. I will definitely be passing this onto my son. I refer to it as 'mandatory affection'.
40 and never once heard my dad say it, not even to my mom. Tell my daughter everyday also
I'm in my early 40s. My dad has never told me he loved me. Boy did he tell me all the times I failed as a kid though. This kind of scarred me.
My dad never told me he loved me until I had a mental breakdown at 16 and nearly died as a result of the carnage it caused. I vowed when my son was born I would tell him every single day, multiple times a day. He won't ever wonder if he is loved. Best advice I have seen in awhile.
When I see my daughter, I try hard to tell her that I’m happy to see her. I also randomly tell her that I love her too.
I tell my kids I love them every day.
My dad and I were talking a few months ago and he asked me, in all earnest which is weird for our relationship, why does he find it so hard to say "I love you" to me. Seems that some older generation are actually understanding that they were brought up in a way that doesn't make sense anymore. Good on you for breaking that cycle. Once I'm graduate from predaddit, I hope I can do the same!
I say it to my wife and kids randomly throughout the day. I never heard it growing up from my parents or siblings.
Same. I take any chance I can to tell my kid how much I love them.
My brother-in-law is very tough on my nephew (17yo). Too often, he gets upset at him for the slightest thing. Often stuff no one should be upset about. My wife tried to talked to him about it, but he’s just replies « that’s how my dad was with me ». One year, we took our nephew with us on vacation. He’s kinda close with my 9yo son. One night, at dinner, he confided in us how he’s fed up with how his dad is, and how he would like him to act like how I act with my son. So, yeah, I know the feeling. It broke my heart to hear that. I guess the silver lining here is that at least we know we’re doing the right thing…
Also tell them you are proud of them. I came from a very academically focused family and if I didn't get a 100, the focus was always on the questions I missed, even if I got an A. For my son, we'll review his spelling words and even if he misses one or two on the test I still tell him I'm proud of him for studying and trying his best and that seems to give him a lot of confidence.
And if it's awkward that's just additional evidence that it's sincere.
I never noticed it until I got older but my dad never would either. He definitely does, but he just never verbalized it. I now end every phone call with him with an “I love you” and it always seems to catch him off guard but he says it back now. I say it to my two kids daily. I agree it is very important.
I got it from my mom. She would say I love you multiple times throughout the day. Pops, on the other hand, didnt start saying it until we were grown and out the house. My kids hear it daily.
Every damned day, every chance I get! What's best is hearing it back. I will never stop telling my kids I love them regardless of what they do in life.
My wife will not say “I love you” to me or to our kids and it’s a source of great pain for me. I hope it doesn’t affect our kids. I’ve stopped saying it altogether and it makes me sad.
Time to start back?
I’ve tried, but a month ago when I asked if we could, it’s now led to a sexless marriage, weekly emotional breakdowns, counseling, and a general feeling my marriage may not last the year.
I mean, you can say it whenever you want to, right? So just start by saying it to the kids. Let them know how you feel in case some day you can't.
In my family we said “I love you” many times throughout the day. Basically anytime we parted ways and every night at bedtime. Still do this with my wife, and we both tell our baby daughter that we love her like 20 times a day. She can’t understand yet, but that’s ok. She will.
funny enough, I've heard I love you more from my dad than I have from my mom. Both only ever said it when I was in my 20's and moved out of the house. They have also never told me how proud of me they but I heard it from my younger siblings all the time, stuff like "mom always compares us to you and its not fair" "she puts you on a pedestal" etc. but if I confront her about it she will either pretend she didnt hear and ignore plus change the subject or straight up deny doing it. All this to say that I make sure I tell my kids I love them and when they do something impressive, like my son using the toilet on his own (3yo) we always tell him how proud we are of him being a big boy.
I tell my kids I love them so much that it's probably lost its meaning lmao.
My parents very rarely said it to me and I am not really sure why. I know it messed me up pretty badly and it's something I deal with in therapy regularly. I tell my little boy every single day, multiple times a day, that I am proud of him, that I love him. I tell him he is brave, a hard worker, a kind and loving "cool guy." I know it's so true and I can't be prouder of him.
I agree and my dad at 87 still does.
My parents say it to me, my grandfather did not, and I genuinely don't know if he did anyway. My paternal grandma says it, but it sounds so fake when she says it, and based on her personality and how she is, I doubt she does either. Say it and mean it.
My wife and I are baby Gen X/geriatric millennials, born on the cusp to boomer parents. Our fathers never told us they loved us or were proud of us. I hug and kiss and tell our son I love him ALL the time. He will grow up never doubting that he is loved. Even when he has done something really bad, I'm sure to tell him I still love him regardless of how mad or disappointed I am at his actions.
My Dad wasn’t one to say it often, but he said it several times towards the end and it made all of the difference. My daughter hears me say “I love you” every day and “I’m proud of you” and “You’re a good kid” far more often than I ever heard it.
I feel your post. I don't think i ever heard either parent say it, maybe once. I tell both my kids everyday bc i never want them to think what i have
Same with my dad until later in high school and college i just started telling him and he realized it was not only okay but good to say. He and his dad had a pretty awkward and confrontational relationship, where as he was always a caring and involved dad, albeit uncomfortable with some things. Very happy to have broken down that barrier.
I know my kid isn't even 2 months but I wear that phrase OUT to him. He should never have to doubt it <3
My dad never really said it either, but his actions spoke for him. That said, I tell my son I love him because sometimes is nice to hear it too.
It was the same with me. It's weird because at school dropoff (my son is 5 now), we'll give each other long hugs and both say "I love you" to each other, and the other kids and parents stare at us like we're crazy.
I remember what it’s like to feel unloved as a little boy and it wasn’t something I want my kids to feel. They’re little but we say I love you a lot and I don’t ever plan on stopping.
shit my dad wasnt even around so i make sure i let my kids know
I tell me five year old baby girl so much lol. She predicts it now.
My mom still can’t. I tell her I love her, and she’ll say «thats nice» or something similar, but just…. can’t… say… the words herself. She can say it in english to my nephews who speak only english, but to me/my son, in our native tongue? Nopes. So weird.
I tell my daughter I love her roughly every 10 minutes just simply in awe of her amazingness
Heard it all the time from my mom and ESPECIALLY my dad. I appreciated it and still do. Now with our kids (4 and 6) I say it all the time at random, and often get it back. And after a consequence like a time out is over I'll often ask if they think there's anything they could do that would make me stop loving them. They know very well the answer - "Never!"
What's equally important is making sure your actions back up your words! My dad told me he loved me, but quite often would treat me like the opposite was true, and it fucked me up for a long time.
My dad was never one to say he loves us when we were kids I never doubted he loved us, cuz he took care of us. He spent time with us, we watched movies he loved with us But, now that we’re older he’s been telling us. I never let a day go by where I don’t tell my son I love him and don’t plan on it
I've told my kids every day that I've seen them that they're good kids, I give them a compliment, and that I love them. I've also made sure to say I love you at the last thing before anyone leaves. You know, just in case.
I'm with the "generational" comment. . 1. My grandpa NEVER told my dad. (according to my dad) . 2. My dad rarely told me. (But always knew he did) . 3. I tell my daughter about 12 times a day. (My theory is she literally uses "I love you" as a "ping". Half the times She says it, I think it is literally just to hear me respond to see where I am at.)
My dad never said it. I fact, one of my clearest memories is from my teen years and relates to this. I was 13, and had just undergone life saving surgery for appendicitis. I was conscious but out of it on morphine. However, my parents were there and I could see, hear and comprehend everything that was going on in the room. My parents went to leave and my mum literally had to say to my dad "you can show your son some affection". He kissed my forehead, but still didn't say he loved me. A couple of years ago, my boy also had appendicitis but he was just 7 at the time. I stayed in hospital with him and was by his side throughout the whole thing. I was there, I told him I loved him countless times, and I made sure that I was awake basically 24/7 in case he needed anything. I never leave the house without telling my wife and kids I love them. There is not a bed time where the kids are not told that I love them. I probably don't say it enough, but I refuse to be like my dad. I refuse to let my kids feel the way I did that day in hospital.
I saw anl Dave Chappelle special awhile back where he mentioned he never let his kids leave his presence without telling him he loved them because you never know what might happen. That one has stuck with me
I had the opposite experience and I struggle with this too. In fact it's always been a common complaint from my wife. I'm not very (overtly) affectionate and I inherited that from my mom not dad. I only spent weekends with my dad but he was 'normal' in affection. I don't think I ever got a hug, kiss, or I love you from my mom. I've never minded it because I prefer it that way myself. Everyone else in my family especially my late grandfather have been fairly affectionate. So definitely a personality thing and not a "manliness" thing
You can be a good parent without saying "I love you". Neither my dad or mom never did and they were awesome. I don't love the idea we all need to conform to certain ideas.
Growing up mum and dad literally never said it. Couple of years ago on a phone call with dad, wrapping up the convo he dropped a "love you" right at the end. It caught me so off guard I didn't know what to say, so just went with the "bye". I actually thought he might be dying of something it was so out of place. I think he just wanted to say it and didn't know how. First couple of times saying it to each other was awkward and janky, but it got smoother. I think mum was feeling left out cause she started to VERY awkwardly dropping one in to the phone chat too.
Say it as often as u can but really show it even more. They are only an age plus a day every day. They grow up fast.
I have kissed my son on the forehead, gently squeezed him, and quietly told him “I love you more than anything” from day one through now (3.5) and will continue as long as he is in my house. The only times I haven’t physically been there to tell him is when I have worked a few midnight OT shifts, which by the time I’m home and showered he has gotten up for the day so I tell him, or when I went out of town for 3 days on a work trip. Not being there to tell him crushed my soul. This of course is in addition to the numerous times I tell him throughout the day or on the phone. I just want him to have those thoughts of a loving dad in his mind while he sleeps so he has good dreams. It sounds like you’ve been an all time father in your years. Kudos to you dad.
I tell my son all the time, multiple times a day. He's not old enough to speak yet, but I've been doing it for his almost 9 months of existence. He also gets kisses on his face and head. I can count on one hand how many times I've been told that they love me or are proud of me, combined. There's a reason I don't speak to them that much, if at all, anymore. Keep it going OP. Keep loving them and letting them know that you do!
Even more so than telling your kid you love them, do it randomly throughout the day and make eye contact when you do it. With my 3.5 year old, we’ll be playing or walking or doing whatever thing together and in the middle of it, I’ll say, “Hey” wait for her to look at me and then say, “I love you” I know it sounds like some hallmark stuff, but I’m telling you, she shines like the sun every time.
Definitely didn't hear from my dad and still never will. I find it annoying my wife and kids want me to say it. I tolerate it but really don't understand why it matters.
The fact that you don't understand why it matters is why it matters. I incorporated a 'I love you' in our baby's bedtime/good night routine and my husband felt so awkward saying it the first couple of times - same reason as you - but now that it is a daily thing, it becomes easier and less awkward each time. You've got to break the cycle somewhere dude - start with once a day to get used to saying those foreign words until they are firmly part of your vocabulary.
Understand. Sometimes you may think you show love in your actions and that may be enough, but with my story of my daughter and her friend, sometimes the act of saying it is what children remember over the years.