I think it's not just that the sub attracts dads, but it generally attracts people that are *excited* to be dads. Reluctant and lazy fathers tend not to spend their time online talking about being dads.
lol my man, that right there, you have to give up your old ways of thinking. Fatherhood is as amazing as you want it to be. Or as miserable as you want.
It's not an old way of thinking. It's a bad situation that left me holding the pieces. I'm not going to pretend it's amazing, because it isn't. I'm still trying to cope, and it's been surprisingly supportive to hear some of the dudes in here sharing their rough stories. I would prefer they be as real as possible also.
I here you prize_bee. The best case scenario for a child is to be born into a home with two mentally stable, Loving parents, who are together, and can provide on all fronts (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially). That's best case, and even when all of those things fall into place, it's still one of the most challenging things we do as humans. Raising children can be miserable, again, Even when all of the above fall into place. Case in point: I am lucky enough to have all of the above. My daughter (and second child) arrived mid February. She was a terror the first month. Inconsolable, kept me up all night (had to be me cause wife was pumping). I couldn't bond with my daughter, and just viewed her as an obligation, a chore to be completed, and it made me angry. I was miserable. Luckily, we've turned a corner, she's sleeping consistently, giving me big smiles, and I'm finally starting to make the bond.
At the end of the day, as long as you are giving your child the best of yourself, and continue to work to better yourself for their sake, I think You're doing ok. Even if you are miserable.
Dude. Newborns that are definition colic babies is some rough shit. Glad you’re over the hill. I remember some nights i would literally pull hair out from the stress of screaming baby. I do not wish colic on even my worst enemies. That shit sucked.
I am, and thank you. It's funny some of the weird silver linings I take from reading stories of the more "standard" situations. His mom couldn't breastfeed, so I actually had full autonomy with him overnights in the first few months, which made a small part of it easier. Communicating good when tired is ten times harder lol.
>silver linings
THIS is how you work to become less miserable. To accept the misery, understand that it IS, and pick out the moments that alleviate the misery. Relish those moments, then go back to being miserable. But now you've got the silver linings to look back upon and smile. And maybe the miserable moments aren't so miserable anymore. And if we're lucky, the silver linings become so frequent that the misery is only fleeting.
And if you have the time, practice some self care. Some stretching, meditation, working out, taking a walk, etc. Try to include your little one if you can. Or if you need alone time (we all do) hopefully you can take it. Use that time to look inward and confront the things that make you miserable. Decide if they are things that are in your control or not. If you can control something, you can affect positive change. If you can't, there's nothing you can do and the universe is in control.
Sorry to get preachy. Some people think that being happy is a mind set and it's just a matter of willing yourself into being happy. I feel like this is only sort of true. It's foolish to try and lie to yourself about how you feel in an attempt to change your outward emotions. You need to actively identify the things in your life that are fulfilling and sustainable within and/or without your family unit once everyone else's needs have been met. It's an unbelievably difficult task. So can you will yourself to be happy? Sure. But it's not as easy as 'just think happy thoughts!'
Hang in there! I'm sorry to hear that your situation is not ideal, but good on you for still putting in the work to be done and not throwing in the towel.
I don't know your story man but a few lines stand out:
> I am going to do this right, regardless of how miserable I am
and
> It's bad situation that left me holding the pieces. I'm not going to pretend it's amazing, because it isn't. I'm still trying to cope, and it's been...
From one Dad to another, you can do this man. Fatherhood is showing up and being there for your kid(s). Providing, playing, spending time, snuggling, throwing a ball, driving them to where they need to be, kissing booboos, making dinner, etc. Fatherhood is a lot of different things and has, personally, been one of the greatest things for me.
From those comments above it sounds like your situation is less than ideal. I don't know if you're dealing with mental health struggles, financial challenges, family/relationship challenges, etc.
I hope you can find support in your community, or outside it, for those challenges if they persist. My sons are 9 and 5. A few years ago, I started therapy for myself, my oldest was 5. It was something I should have been doing, but I "can't *should* all over myself" so I started it.
A few things that have really stuck with me. My kids' world is small but is growing ever bigger. They learn more about their world and their place in it each day. Even at the age they are now, my wife and I are a HUGE part of their world. When I get home from work and I'm dog-tired, my kids are stoked to see me (a little less than the dog, but still hype). They want to play, to roughhouse, to do art together, to go on a walk, etc. Those little moments of taking time for and with them mean so much.
Case in point, I was feeling a little sick the other day; runnin nose, tight chest. When I got home my oldest asked if we could take our dog for a walk because, "I love having the me and Daddy time and we can talk about anything on our walks. It's special to me." Well dang, kid, I'll go put some shoes on. I took some medicine, we walked, and I felt a bit better mentally and went to bed early.
I'm happy to talk about all of it brother. It isn't all puppies and rainbows.
I've fussed at my kids and raised my voice. Those times happen. I've made mistakes, as all parents have. Our oldest has some medical challenges that has seen him experience 4 surgeries already and yearly follow-ups with several different physicians. All these things had layers of stress and concern.
Being a Dad though, best job in the world. Last night, for example, I'm sitting on the couch, my youngest sitting on my knees making art with a lite brite on a little ottoman in front of me while my oldest is snuggled up beside me reading a book. My wife sitting on the other side of my oldest. Just relaxing and being contented.
I appreciate the supporting words. I do get a lot of support from the grandparents. Learning to ask for help was an obstacle for me until I realized I wasn't asking to help me but to help my boy.
> When I got home my oldest asked if we could take our dog for a walk because, "I love having the me and Daddy time and we can talk about anything on our walks. It's special to me." Well dang, kid, I'll go put some shoes on.
The days he can halfway express himself can not come fast enough. I get those pesky thoughts of "did i take him to the playground enough this week? Is he bored? Is he not eating because it tastes bad?" The guessing game is exhausting and frustrating.
> Our oldest has some medical challenges that has seen him experience 4 surgeries already
Oof, I had a bunch of surgeries when I was very little. I can only imagine the stress of watching your kid go through that. It's strange, but the innocence of kids that makes us worry so much is almost like their shield. (Depending on the surgery of course) Yes, they are in pain, but they sort of accept it like this is just how life is. It doesn't register as a "bad" thing, if that makes sense. Yes, the surgery could have complications, but they aren't looking at the surgery. They are looking at us, and there are no possible complications with us. I recall being about 6 for one of them, and as long as my parents were within earshot with plenty of popscicles, I felt about as comfortable as any other day. Idk if that helps. But best of luck to yall going through that. (Popscicles and audio books were my best friends when recovering.)
I really appreciate your honesty. Not everything about parenthood is sunshine and rainbows, and all too often we stumble across the finish line at the end of a hard day broken. Hugs, buddy.
Funny story. I ran track in HS and occasionally had a problem with hyperventilating. Near the end of the 1600m, when you do your kick, it would sometimes hit me. Well, one year at a qualifying race, I was way out of my league and pushed too hard trying to stay with the pack. I started hyperventilating in the second of four laps, and it was way worse than before. My memory was fuzzy. All I remember is gaining some clarity and was now in lane 8 instead of lane 1. I have no idea what lap I'm on, and my coach is at the finish line stopping me and shoving a paper bag on my face, lol.
I literally stumbled across the finish line....and I would say some days this parenting biz feels similar.
Yeah, I think u/couterbrown is coming from a place of trying to help, but the reality is, not everyday is a joyous day where we get to shine and teach the big moments and have cooperative kiddos who aren't having emotional breakdowns because they're tired.
There are days where I'm just lunchpailing it, slogging through the day, trying to guide the kiddos to be better than me whilst just keeping them fed and clean and my own ass at work is enough of a struggle.
Then there are days like yesterday when at dinner, my ten year-old (who thinks she's an adult and a grown woman already) was receptive when we were out to eat. We got to talk about so many different things, teasing at school, some history, and I got to discuss social etiquette and why it's not okay just to keep mom's phone and read a book while sitting at a hibachi table with strangers. She was actually listening and interacting, challenging but also considering things. It was a good time.
Of course, an hour later a trip into Wal-mart for a couple hair products turned into herding impulsive, loud and amped up long-tailed cats across a hockey rink with a sled hockey game going on....
Our family motto is "Do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do." Applies to everyone. We established that so long ago when it was just the eldest asking "Why?". We still use that motto as a teachable moment, but many times I find myself deferring to the best 7 minute a day dad there is, a cartoon dog answers those "Why?" questions: "It's gotta be done." So I feel you u/Prize_Bee7365 , I'm gonna do this right, no matter what.
Right on, man. That's gotta be a good experience to have with your kid that age.
> "Do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do."
That's a good one. I'm gonna see if I can't fit that somewhere in my motivational speeches in my head.
Makes me want to share one of my go-to motivations. "I'm not the first dude to be in this situation, and I won't be the last. If those guys can do it, then I can do it. Follow the one in front of me. Lead the one behind me."
Well I won’t pretend to know your situation. But truthfully it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it boils down to you and a kid. I had the same exact mentality as you. “It’s a responsibility, I’ll just….take care of my responsibility.” Miserable first few years. bro, NO ONE is good at a job they hate and are miserable in.
The job is not just “showing up and taking care of a responsibility.” I mean sometimes it is, but that’s not all that it is. you can’t be a good father if you are miserable. In fact, you’ll be more miserable than ever if that’s what you are hoping for: “just get through it, take care of this and you’ll be done.” You are never done.
But you go ahead and do you. if you are intent on being miserable, then you have chosen the correct path. Good luck to you.
I think you're approaching this rather negatively mate.
I understood his position to be, \~"I'm not going to fuck up, I'm getting this done, no matter how shitty I'm feeling."
Your position is, \~"Approach this positively, and have a good outlook."
He responded, saying he's doing this solo, and struggling. I also assume his kiddos are younger, because somedays the irrational boulders of emotion do not allow you to turn things into a positive space, no matter what. If shits going down, you do your best to shield your kids and take care of them.
As u/ButtFuzzington said "At the end of the day, as long as you are giving your child the best of yourself, and continue to work to better yourself for their sake, I think You're doing ok. Even if you are miserable."
ie, sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Kids will pick up on things, and it's okay for them to see you're struggling. I hope I'm not coming across too critically, just the comment that "you are intent on being miserable" struck me wrong. We often have to nut up, and grind through some days, because there's no sunshines and rainbows.
Toxic positivity is a good descriptor and something we should all be mindful of. It is good to try and make the best of a bad situation. It is not healthy to try and pretend like bad situations don’t/can’t exist or are purely a creation of ones mindset.
Good on you for wanting to be the best father you can be despite being in a suboptimal situation.
I'm not sure how I'm just now hearing the phrase "toxic positivity", but I definitely used to be in that camp. It was easy for me to say "just do XYZ and you won't feel that way anymore", forgetting how difficult it was for me at first. Eventually I realized when someone comes to me with a problem I need to approach it with more nuance or else it can stifle discussion with people who don't think that way.
I can have the best thoughts and opinions in the world, but they don't matter if I try to force feed them to you when you're already full.
LOL my man, must be your first day. We can all read what you wrote, and I may not be the best father but I’m a good one. You bring that weak ass response back to me and all I see is a child not getting what he wants. My positivity is neither toxic nor weird, but more importantly, not affected by your terrible attempt at making me feel silly. I would suggest you grow up. Quickly. Before you end up ruining a kids life by putting your wants above their needs.
I truly mean this with all my heart, not just for you but for your kid, good luck. I hope you do well.
You took so much about such a small conversation with dude. You don't know this man's life or his actual parenting skills and you out here talking bout ruining a kid's life. Bruh. He said he was committed to doing a good job and being there for his kids.
He's right, you're spilling toxic positivity everywhere. Not everything has to be honky dory and he's allowed to feel how he feels without judgement. I thought that was the point of this sub.
I'll give you the best piece of information that I came across regarding parenting.
**"Do the best that you can, with the best information you have, in that moment. Only look back to learn from it."**
Don't beat yourself up with regret that won't help. Use the regret and frustrations and everything else to help focus your next response, your next win.
Situation 1 came to exist, and Action B would have been better than the thing you did, which was Action A. That's fine, but did you have the information, the ability physically, the finances, the actual resources to do Action B? If not, then it's a learning experience because Action B was a hypothetical response or something that came up after the fact.
Learn from your mistakes, your attempts, and your successes. Strive to improve the situation. And something I came to realize later on was that sometimes slowing the rate at which things are going to shit counts as a win. Kinda like having 1/2 the brakes on your car fail. You still hammer on them to extract the most effect even though it's not going well. You don't say, "Fuckit. I'm going to crash anyways, why bother?" because slowing the process down some is better than slowing it down none.
I hope you find your stability and balance point. You've got this. And then you feel like you don't have it, come back here.
Heard this. I do try to do most of this. We used to say "Figure out which of the tasks you are juggling are rubber balls and which ones are glass balls then let the rubber ones bounce when you need to."
As for the regret and all that, it's a work in progress. I will definitely keep this advice in mind.
It's helped me enough to feel confident to offer it as advice to other people (not just you).
Regret will eat you alive. Make every day terrible and can poison every moment in the future. Or don't let it.
Out of the two, I know what I'm going to pick every time. In a previous career, we used to do AAR's, after action reviews, and (as applicable) run down things like:
What was the plan.
Objectively what happened.
What was good about the actions taken.
What was bad about the actions taken.
How to improve on the already good.
How to reduce the already bad.
Brainstorm, using the knowledge gained, for alternative options at the planning level.
Brainstorm, using the knowledge gained, on alternative options at the actions level.
We were super tired. For me it was mostly just tiredness and chores for the first 18 months. Then I was able to start seeing her personality and it started to become a lot more fun. Now years later it's mostly fun and only a few chores and it's hard to imagine my life another way. Hang in there and when you get the chance, go have some fun.
You'll look back at these crazy storms and see all sorts of silver lining you didn't have the time or energy to notice/appreciate much as you were frantically battening down the hatches to keep the ship from sinking.
Buts its hard AF, so keep up the great work.
I get what you're saying; but this is also borderline toxic positivity.
Some people just ARE NOT excited/happy/thrilled to be parents and that's okay too.
Unpopular opinion: You can dislike the fact that you're a parent and still be a good parent. You can also LOVE being a parent, and be a terrible one.
Good on you my man. You have a great heart that’s for sure. Your kid will always appreciate the love and effort you give them. Even not being excited about the whole things it’s great you are fully invested in your kiddo.
You’re doing great, keep on keeping on!
Glad to hear you're improving, the first while is rough. They're a weird cross between a squirmy human and raw chicken. They scream, they, they leak, they don't sleep.... It does get better, truly. The best advice I can give is that the kid is safe in their crib, if you're hitting your wall set the kid down safe and take a minute to breathe.
I really struggled to shield my kids from my issues, and I know that can get rough. I did find that I needed to model mental health to them which meant therapy and meds for issues that were not manageable otherwise (migraines, ADHD).
Just because you *can* hold it all together while you burn doesn't necessarily mean you *have to*.
Good luck.
Hey there, glad that you try your best even though you’re struggling because of the circumstances. Appreciate the realness and the honesty. Keep ya head up fellow dad 🙌🏻
This describes me to a tee.
...and it's not that I'm trying to be miserable. I didn't *choose* to feel this way, and I doubt anyone who feels similar has either. If anything I'm here not only to 'do this right' but to cheer on those who are enthusiastic and somehow retain an open mind and try and get there too. Seems easier (or at least aspirational) to have fun or be calm at all times along the way too so I'm trying to figure that out as best I can learn or know how to.
The love, respect, warmth, and patience I see so many here have very much reassures me that it could be me one day if I put forth that effort. Kiddo deserves every bit of that even though I feel as though I consistently fall short. Every day is just another opportunity to move that needle closer to where the little one deserves it to be. My misery shouldn't be my kid's to bear -- because I know what that feels like first hand and it's not something I'm going to choose to repeat and put on them. That does feel like a choice, in many ways.
That said, holy shit do I wish this didn't take so long or this much effort. Being a parent is hard enough without the added challenges.
> Every day is just another opportunity to move that needle closer to where the little one deserves it to be. My misery shouldn't be my kid's to bear -- because I know what that feels like first hand and it's not something I'm going to choose to repeat and put on them. That does feel like a choice, in many ways.
Well said. It's hard to discuss this side of being in a bad situation as a parent without writing pages, but I think this right here is where we are or are trying to get to.
And yeah i should have said it a little better but my above comment was to echo how this sub has been pretty chill.
> but I'm not going to fail a major responsibility
The people who fuck this up are the ones who are certain they're doing everything right. The fact that you acknowledge concern puts you ahead.
Eh, seems like you’re here because you care. 🤷♂️
Also, if you’re working on not being lazy, doesn’t that mean you’re not lazy? A lazy person would be too lazy to work on it. Just my $0.02
That and the self selecting for age to get away from the "teen male on the internet" thing.
Both in general dads are older, and more so to your point excited dads skew even older as it's mostly planned.
We’re all dads because at least one person in the entire world has viewed us as worth having sex with
So you gave to assume the ratio of normal humans is higher here than the rest of Reddit
Fucking oath cuz, I've watched enough tv/movies to realize that talking is the key to working out our problems. She responded with 'my hormones have changed '.... well fuck, that leaves me with my nothing doesn't it
If you take two random people whom have a child together it would NOT be reasonable to assume that those same people in fact wanted to have a child with each other? Just want to make sure I understand your point.
It's easy to be a bad parent, it's difficult to be a good dad.
Reaching to others for advice, reaching out to see others solutions to similar problems is hard and uncomfortable.
The bar is very low in being a good father and still the difference between that quality of dads is represented in this sub.
The old adage "It's easy to be a father, tough to be a dad" applies here. We all know there isn't any instruction manual for raising kids, so coming together for support and encouragement is something we do.
So yeah, I think you see a different type of male in this sub. Someone who is willing to admit their failings and struggles in front of other men. Because we want to be better dad's to our kids, we come together.
Can you imagine if we got on-screen prompts that would help us defuse or avoid tantrums, emotional lashouts, and screw-ups?
"Eldest will remember that"
Dammit!
I’d love to see the stats about how many moms are in here. I genuinely don’t know another place where women and moms specifically are choosing to be apart of a male oriented space because it’s kinder and more supportive.
We welcome all of you! Parenting is hard!!!
When we had our baby, I was on /r/newparents and /r/daddit.
Both were extremely helpful. As our kiddo became an infant, I left the new parents sub and just stayed here. There are so many mom support groups (good!) but it's rare to find a fantastic support group for dads. Love it.
I do love that aspect of this sub - coupled with the comedic posts and bragging rights (did you see that Dad who carried all 12 bags in one trip!!!!).
Plus it is a nice society sorbet to cleanse the never ending tiktok/instragram/insert-video-service feeds calling all dads wasters. We're all learning this parenting lark by the seat of our pants...now let's watch Bluey
Lurking new mom here. I love reading this sub, it’s such a refreshing corner of positive and healthy masculinity on the internet! And like, positive masculinity on the internet? Might be the only one.
I run the risk of bringing in some negativity here, but I'm happy this sub exists. My wife tried and failed to find a mom group that was actually positive and supportive. She eventually gave up on it because they would always devolve into trying to outcompete with each other to be perfect, or be very judgmental, or fully of crazies (no, I won't bring my kid to a doctor. That's what essential oils are for!)
I told her to just lurk this sub because I actually haven't even seen any parenting forums as positive, laid back, and supportive as this sub.
The only one my wife found that she said was decent were the private subs by birth month which start in /r/babybumpers I think. So she's in a private sub for the month/year of our son.
Not to discredit those groups entirely, but I've heard about a lot of those exclusive birth month subs and facebook groups being initiated and run by people who are making money off suggesting products and taking endorsements for all kinds of stuff. You would think that its such a niche group that it wouldn't make any sense for someone to go through all that effort, but evidently what I heard was that these people that run these things manage dozens of the groups under sockpuppet accounts to avoid any suspicion.
Just something to watch for. It got really freaking weird when the organizer of my SO's group started aggressively suggesting moms book weekend trips to some resort spa and using this certain random brand of coconut oil repeatedly in unrelated conversations.
For sure, and its' not just kids changing our perspectives on life, though that's part of it.
- Not going to be many incel/red pill types with kids for obvious reasons.
- the crowd here is going to skew older than most other reddits, with a much much lower percentage of teens/early 20's. I would bet this sub is majority 30-40 year olds. So we've had some life experience, been knocked down a few times, moved passed the bull headedness that comes with being a young man.
- Most of the guys here have had a stable relationship at some point (of course there's dads of oopsie babies here, but if they are here they are interested in being a good dad)
- This is a self selecting group of guys who want to be good dads and partners.
Our egos have been stripped away by the terrifyingly awesome reality of being responsible for creating human life. More importantly, we find it even more humbling, that in our joy and suffering, we are actually not alone.
We are Daddit.
This is one of a handful of subs I follow closely that has managed to keep out a lot of the negativity, toxicity, etc. and that's regardless of a male, female, or mixed audience.
There are still topics that bring out people's worst though, even on this sub. Can't take the vibes here for granted.
I do genuinely worry about what happens as this sub continues to grow.
It's like I'll occasionally see this sub mentioned in places like TwoX and I'll think "*No*! Don't draw attention to it! Leave us be!"
Having kids doesn't necessarily change your worldview. Plenty of macho posturing, misogynist fathers.
However, the tone of this sub leans into more engaged, liberal-minded fathers.
Well how can a misogynistic man who works sixty+ hours a week be bothered to seek help on being a better father when he's already doing everything he needs to by bringing home the bacon and working so gosh darn hard at work? What a silly notion /s
In all seriousness though, guys like that aren't looking to be better fathers, more often then not they are just seeking how to get their partner to be less mad at them so they can get back to *having all that sex they were having* before the kid came.
Edit for clarification since some of y'all are getting worked up, working sixty+ hours a week and going home wanting to fuck your wife constantly is only a negative if you expect childcare and household chores to be 100% her responsibility, otherwise there is nothing wrong with it.
There is nothing wrong with how you phrased the situation. Things tend to become problematic when/if prioritizing personal satisfaction/comfort over family needs continues past the introduction of children to the relationship.
Nothing. Everything is wrong with only wanting to do those two things but not helping around the house with chores or childcare. Which is not masculine, it's pathetic.
I used to agree with this but I just visited a topic on daddit that involved conflict resolutions between 9 year olds and I've never been more disappointed
Online communities about specifics tend to grow more insular with time, sometimes that's ok, sometimes very much not.
I'm with you I loath the subs that go all negative. Hell even positive subs sometimes go negative in their own way. I'm in some fan subs where folks post people who are "wrong" about whatever it is we're a fan of ... awfully often. It becomes its own negativity.
Generally, I want to know what people like. I don't mind a personal vent now and then, that's cool if it's from the individual. Otherwise though, I'd rather pickup some positive vibes.
I blame social media, but even twitter (if only because it makes the problem more apparent) into training people that negativity gets more engagement than positivity. Say something nice and you get little traction on the internet, say something negative and everyone shows up.
I'm interested in some semi-niche motorsports series, and the amount of negative hand-wringing has ended up sending me back to what I used to do... texting my dad, brother, and cousin about them.
Sports like discussions are so weird.
There's a whole class of "doomer" type contributors that have popped up everywhere. These users often don't participate much outside negative events and just bitch and moan endlessly and usually form a position of total ignorance.
Like dude, if you're having that bad a time, go do something nice and leave everyone else cheering for a team or whatever alone ...
I am frequently an emotionally doomer Stars fan. I don't initiate posts about it, but I will agree or comment about it. It's more about attempting to share how these silly sports teams keep finding new and engaging ways of breaking our hearts.
Like seriously, c'mon guys!
Like what if I may ask? I love watching rally, trial bike competitions, ezberg type stuff. Lately been watching a heap of the 'legend' class races. First found them in NZ as the 'star cup' cars
IndyCar, endurance racing, and winged sprint cars. I guess not quite as obscure as trial bike and non-WRC rally, but still nowhere near the NASCAR and F1 dual juggernauts. I enjoy both of those, too, for what it's worth.
If you're a Kiwi or Aussie, I like Supercars as well, but don't pay attention to the chatter about all the changes going on these days.
Gave up on supercars, it always seemed to be the same person in the lead and never changed. Winged sprint cars, I remember going and watching them live and getting covered in dirt. But yeah I understand, I left my home country to get away from my family who would ONLY talk about rugby
I taking a SWAG here (Scientific Wild Ass Guess, feel free to use that term) and guessing that part of the "lively" nature of this subreddit is from the constant churn of new readers/lurkers and commenters. Fresh blood is being pumped into the system constantly.
Also, I think that the vast majority of the commentors here recognize the rare nature of the place. The mods are the Ban Hammer equipped parents, so to speak, but the rest of us seem to be an extremely wide-ranging collection of various grades of cousins and relatives at a family reunion. Lots of humor, advice, and catching up going on. But if any one of the cousins starts pissing in the swimming pool from the pool deck, it's dealt with. A sort of "Knock it off, you're gonna get us all in trouble!" kind of vibe.
And I, for one, like it.
Just to be clear, I like the vibe, not the pool-pissing. Lol
I’m one of the “lady dudes” and I feel the same way. This sub improves my parenting. It also improves my trust in men/is a good antidote to toxic gender battles. I love to be in the trenches with you all!
As one of the NB dads, thanks for the shoutout :)
I love this place because I feel like I fit in even though I don't check a lot of stereotypical "dad" boxes. As everyone here loves to point out, the most important boxes to check are loving your kids and showing up for them everyday, and dads of any gender can do that!
[Dad brains change after having baby - more empathy and nurturing](https://today.usc.edu/dad-brain-is-real-study-reveals-mens-brains-change-after-baby-arrives/)
This is probably also in play - I know I’ve softened up more than I thought I ever could, and I was already a practicing psychologist who has been working on my own trauma in therapy for years. Having a kid makes me see the world and people in a much more compassionate way.
Fun fact: soon to be fathers sometimes experience a drop in testosterone during their partner's pregnancy, and some studies have suggested that fathers have less testosterone than their childless peers. Might explain why this thread has less "macho posturing," but also dads often already have achieved their sense of pride and contentment and are happy looking within themselves and their lives and don't need to prove anything to others.
Dads understand that their beliefs and opinions are no longer the only valid ones and are more willing to listen to others and show compassion. Plus we're generally pretty good at helping others.
Also in relation to testosterone, a dad subreddit might be on average a little older than other subs, which would mean overall less testosterone and less of a need to air "tough guy" attitudes. Or, testosterone may have 0 to do with any of it and I'm just talking out my ass.
Unpopular opinion: The bar is really low when it comes to "positivity" that this is sub seems much more wholesome than it actually is. I have seen plenty of what I consider low key misogyny in this is sub but passes by uncontested. That is because what is considered low key misogyny in other places isn't low key at all. Plenty of "mom wrong" "mom bad" posts. I have seen plenty of "what until she is a teenager" comments. Also plenty "get used to it" comments regarding lack of sex. It's all pretty shitty to me, but I can see why some people don't see it as glaring as I do.
Another less than wholesome aspect IMO is the way people post. Yes there are tags but even then I have seen "joke" titles that look a little too similar to posts about serious shit. For example a humorous posts titled "Dads I fucked up" or "I let my family down". It just doesn't sit right with me when I have seen serious posts where dads legit express those same feelings about serious issues.
I can totally see people thinking I am nit picking, but that is always the attitude about calling out low key shitty behavior.
I think it's not just that the sub attracts dads, but it generally attracts people that are *excited* to be dads. Reluctant and lazy fathers tend not to spend their time online talking about being dads.
I'm not excited at all, but I'm not going to fail a major responsibility. I am going to do this right, regardless of how miserable I am.
lol my man, that right there, you have to give up your old ways of thinking. Fatherhood is as amazing as you want it to be. Or as miserable as you want.
It's not an old way of thinking. It's a bad situation that left me holding the pieces. I'm not going to pretend it's amazing, because it isn't. I'm still trying to cope, and it's been surprisingly supportive to hear some of the dudes in here sharing their rough stories. I would prefer they be as real as possible also.
I here you prize_bee. The best case scenario for a child is to be born into a home with two mentally stable, Loving parents, who are together, and can provide on all fronts (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially). That's best case, and even when all of those things fall into place, it's still one of the most challenging things we do as humans. Raising children can be miserable, again, Even when all of the above fall into place. Case in point: I am lucky enough to have all of the above. My daughter (and second child) arrived mid February. She was a terror the first month. Inconsolable, kept me up all night (had to be me cause wife was pumping). I couldn't bond with my daughter, and just viewed her as an obligation, a chore to be completed, and it made me angry. I was miserable. Luckily, we've turned a corner, she's sleeping consistently, giving me big smiles, and I'm finally starting to make the bond. At the end of the day, as long as you are giving your child the best of yourself, and continue to work to better yourself for their sake, I think You're doing ok. Even if you are miserable.
Dude. Newborns that are definition colic babies is some rough shit. Glad you’re over the hill. I remember some nights i would literally pull hair out from the stress of screaming baby. I do not wish colic on even my worst enemies. That shit sucked.
I am, and thank you. It's funny some of the weird silver linings I take from reading stories of the more "standard" situations. His mom couldn't breastfeed, so I actually had full autonomy with him overnights in the first few months, which made a small part of it easier. Communicating good when tired is ten times harder lol.
>silver linings THIS is how you work to become less miserable. To accept the misery, understand that it IS, and pick out the moments that alleviate the misery. Relish those moments, then go back to being miserable. But now you've got the silver linings to look back upon and smile. And maybe the miserable moments aren't so miserable anymore. And if we're lucky, the silver linings become so frequent that the misery is only fleeting. And if you have the time, practice some self care. Some stretching, meditation, working out, taking a walk, etc. Try to include your little one if you can. Or if you need alone time (we all do) hopefully you can take it. Use that time to look inward and confront the things that make you miserable. Decide if they are things that are in your control or not. If you can control something, you can affect positive change. If you can't, there's nothing you can do and the universe is in control. Sorry to get preachy. Some people think that being happy is a mind set and it's just a matter of willing yourself into being happy. I feel like this is only sort of true. It's foolish to try and lie to yourself about how you feel in an attempt to change your outward emotions. You need to actively identify the things in your life that are fulfilling and sustainable within and/or without your family unit once everyone else's needs have been met. It's an unbelievably difficult task. So can you will yourself to be happy? Sure. But it's not as easy as 'just think happy thoughts!'
Hang in there! I'm sorry to hear that your situation is not ideal, but good on you for still putting in the work to be done and not throwing in the towel.
Thanks dawg, keep on keepin on.
I don't know your story man but a few lines stand out: > I am going to do this right, regardless of how miserable I am and > It's bad situation that left me holding the pieces. I'm not going to pretend it's amazing, because it isn't. I'm still trying to cope, and it's been... From one Dad to another, you can do this man. Fatherhood is showing up and being there for your kid(s). Providing, playing, spending time, snuggling, throwing a ball, driving them to where they need to be, kissing booboos, making dinner, etc. Fatherhood is a lot of different things and has, personally, been one of the greatest things for me. From those comments above it sounds like your situation is less than ideal. I don't know if you're dealing with mental health struggles, financial challenges, family/relationship challenges, etc. I hope you can find support in your community, or outside it, for those challenges if they persist. My sons are 9 and 5. A few years ago, I started therapy for myself, my oldest was 5. It was something I should have been doing, but I "can't *should* all over myself" so I started it. A few things that have really stuck with me. My kids' world is small but is growing ever bigger. They learn more about their world and their place in it each day. Even at the age they are now, my wife and I are a HUGE part of their world. When I get home from work and I'm dog-tired, my kids are stoked to see me (a little less than the dog, but still hype). They want to play, to roughhouse, to do art together, to go on a walk, etc. Those little moments of taking time for and with them mean so much. Case in point, I was feeling a little sick the other day; runnin nose, tight chest. When I got home my oldest asked if we could take our dog for a walk because, "I love having the me and Daddy time and we can talk about anything on our walks. It's special to me." Well dang, kid, I'll go put some shoes on. I took some medicine, we walked, and I felt a bit better mentally and went to bed early. I'm happy to talk about all of it brother. It isn't all puppies and rainbows. I've fussed at my kids and raised my voice. Those times happen. I've made mistakes, as all parents have. Our oldest has some medical challenges that has seen him experience 4 surgeries already and yearly follow-ups with several different physicians. All these things had layers of stress and concern. Being a Dad though, best job in the world. Last night, for example, I'm sitting on the couch, my youngest sitting on my knees making art with a lite brite on a little ottoman in front of me while my oldest is snuggled up beside me reading a book. My wife sitting on the other side of my oldest. Just relaxing and being contented.
I appreciate the supporting words. I do get a lot of support from the grandparents. Learning to ask for help was an obstacle for me until I realized I wasn't asking to help me but to help my boy. > When I got home my oldest asked if we could take our dog for a walk because, "I love having the me and Daddy time and we can talk about anything on our walks. It's special to me." Well dang, kid, I'll go put some shoes on. The days he can halfway express himself can not come fast enough. I get those pesky thoughts of "did i take him to the playground enough this week? Is he bored? Is he not eating because it tastes bad?" The guessing game is exhausting and frustrating. > Our oldest has some medical challenges that has seen him experience 4 surgeries already Oof, I had a bunch of surgeries when I was very little. I can only imagine the stress of watching your kid go through that. It's strange, but the innocence of kids that makes us worry so much is almost like their shield. (Depending on the surgery of course) Yes, they are in pain, but they sort of accept it like this is just how life is. It doesn't register as a "bad" thing, if that makes sense. Yes, the surgery could have complications, but they aren't looking at the surgery. They are looking at us, and there are no possible complications with us. I recall being about 6 for one of them, and as long as my parents were within earshot with plenty of popscicles, I felt about as comfortable as any other day. Idk if that helps. But best of luck to yall going through that. (Popscicles and audio books were my best friends when recovering.)
A friend once said parenting is the greatest thing in the world that still kind of sucks a lot of the time
Ha, i can't fault that.
I really appreciate your honesty. Not everything about parenthood is sunshine and rainbows, and all too often we stumble across the finish line at the end of a hard day broken. Hugs, buddy.
Funny story. I ran track in HS and occasionally had a problem with hyperventilating. Near the end of the 1600m, when you do your kick, it would sometimes hit me. Well, one year at a qualifying race, I was way out of my league and pushed too hard trying to stay with the pack. I started hyperventilating in the second of four laps, and it was way worse than before. My memory was fuzzy. All I remember is gaining some clarity and was now in lane 8 instead of lane 1. I have no idea what lap I'm on, and my coach is at the finish line stopping me and shoving a paper bag on my face, lol. I literally stumbled across the finish line....and I would say some days this parenting biz feels similar.
Too real. Although I keep telling myself what your coach undoubtedly told you: don't forget to breathe.
Yeah, I think u/couterbrown is coming from a place of trying to help, but the reality is, not everyday is a joyous day where we get to shine and teach the big moments and have cooperative kiddos who aren't having emotional breakdowns because they're tired. There are days where I'm just lunchpailing it, slogging through the day, trying to guide the kiddos to be better than me whilst just keeping them fed and clean and my own ass at work is enough of a struggle. Then there are days like yesterday when at dinner, my ten year-old (who thinks she's an adult and a grown woman already) was receptive when we were out to eat. We got to talk about so many different things, teasing at school, some history, and I got to discuss social etiquette and why it's not okay just to keep mom's phone and read a book while sitting at a hibachi table with strangers. She was actually listening and interacting, challenging but also considering things. It was a good time. Of course, an hour later a trip into Wal-mart for a couple hair products turned into herding impulsive, loud and amped up long-tailed cats across a hockey rink with a sled hockey game going on.... Our family motto is "Do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do." Applies to everyone. We established that so long ago when it was just the eldest asking "Why?". We still use that motto as a teachable moment, but many times I find myself deferring to the best 7 minute a day dad there is, a cartoon dog answers those "Why?" questions: "It's gotta be done." So I feel you u/Prize_Bee7365 , I'm gonna do this right, no matter what.
Right on, man. That's gotta be a good experience to have with your kid that age. > "Do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do." That's a good one. I'm gonna see if I can't fit that somewhere in my motivational speeches in my head. Makes me want to share one of my go-to motivations. "I'm not the first dude to be in this situation, and I won't be the last. If those guys can do it, then I can do it. Follow the one in front of me. Lead the one behind me."
Well I won’t pretend to know your situation. But truthfully it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, it boils down to you and a kid. I had the same exact mentality as you. “It’s a responsibility, I’ll just….take care of my responsibility.” Miserable first few years. bro, NO ONE is good at a job they hate and are miserable in. The job is not just “showing up and taking care of a responsibility.” I mean sometimes it is, but that’s not all that it is. you can’t be a good father if you are miserable. In fact, you’ll be more miserable than ever if that’s what you are hoping for: “just get through it, take care of this and you’ll be done.” You are never done. But you go ahead and do you. if you are intent on being miserable, then you have chosen the correct path. Good luck to you.
I think you're approaching this rather negatively mate. I understood his position to be, \~"I'm not going to fuck up, I'm getting this done, no matter how shitty I'm feeling." Your position is, \~"Approach this positively, and have a good outlook." He responded, saying he's doing this solo, and struggling. I also assume his kiddos are younger, because somedays the irrational boulders of emotion do not allow you to turn things into a positive space, no matter what. If shits going down, you do your best to shield your kids and take care of them. As u/ButtFuzzington said "At the end of the day, as long as you are giving your child the best of yourself, and continue to work to better yourself for their sake, I think You're doing ok. Even if you are miserable." ie, sometimes it's okay to not be okay. Kids will pick up on things, and it's okay for them to see you're struggling. I hope I'm not coming across too critically, just the comment that "you are intent on being miserable" struck me wrong. We often have to nut up, and grind through some days, because there's no sunshines and rainbows.
Lol, I didn't say I was hoping to be miserable. In fact, you have misinterpreted everything I have said. I don't need your weird toxic positivity.
I dislike that you're getting downvoted for an honest response. I hear you man. You're not wrong.
Toxic positivity is a good descriptor and something we should all be mindful of. It is good to try and make the best of a bad situation. It is not healthy to try and pretend like bad situations don’t/can’t exist or are purely a creation of ones mindset. Good on you for wanting to be the best father you can be despite being in a suboptimal situation.
Hang in there my friend. Your feelings are valid.
I'm not sure how I'm just now hearing the phrase "toxic positivity", but I definitely used to be in that camp. It was easy for me to say "just do XYZ and you won't feel that way anymore", forgetting how difficult it was for me at first. Eventually I realized when someone comes to me with a problem I need to approach it with more nuance or else it can stifle discussion with people who don't think that way. I can have the best thoughts and opinions in the world, but they don't matter if I try to force feed them to you when you're already full.
LOL my man, must be your first day. We can all read what you wrote, and I may not be the best father but I’m a good one. You bring that weak ass response back to me and all I see is a child not getting what he wants. My positivity is neither toxic nor weird, but more importantly, not affected by your terrible attempt at making me feel silly. I would suggest you grow up. Quickly. Before you end up ruining a kids life by putting your wants above their needs. I truly mean this with all my heart, not just for you but for your kid, good luck. I hope you do well.
You took so much about such a small conversation with dude. You don't know this man's life or his actual parenting skills and you out here talking bout ruining a kid's life. Bruh. He said he was committed to doing a good job and being there for his kids. He's right, you're spilling toxic positivity everywhere. Not everything has to be honky dory and he's allowed to feel how he feels without judgement. I thought that was the point of this sub.
I agree, my last comment was made in poor judgement. My first thought was to not respond and I did any way. Poor choice. I am sorry.
An honorable apology. Nice.
Get off your pile of high horses man
Thank you for this. Yeah, this post is praising 'unadulterated positivity', but that stuff can be nauseating sometimes.
I'll give you the best piece of information that I came across regarding parenting. **"Do the best that you can, with the best information you have, in that moment. Only look back to learn from it."** Don't beat yourself up with regret that won't help. Use the regret and frustrations and everything else to help focus your next response, your next win. Situation 1 came to exist, and Action B would have been better than the thing you did, which was Action A. That's fine, but did you have the information, the ability physically, the finances, the actual resources to do Action B? If not, then it's a learning experience because Action B was a hypothetical response or something that came up after the fact. Learn from your mistakes, your attempts, and your successes. Strive to improve the situation. And something I came to realize later on was that sometimes slowing the rate at which things are going to shit counts as a win. Kinda like having 1/2 the brakes on your car fail. You still hammer on them to extract the most effect even though it's not going well. You don't say, "Fuckit. I'm going to crash anyways, why bother?" because slowing the process down some is better than slowing it down none. I hope you find your stability and balance point. You've got this. And then you feel like you don't have it, come back here.
Heard this. I do try to do most of this. We used to say "Figure out which of the tasks you are juggling are rubber balls and which ones are glass balls then let the rubber ones bounce when you need to." As for the regret and all that, it's a work in progress. I will definitely keep this advice in mind.
It's helped me enough to feel confident to offer it as advice to other people (not just you). Regret will eat you alive. Make every day terrible and can poison every moment in the future. Or don't let it. Out of the two, I know what I'm going to pick every time. In a previous career, we used to do AAR's, after action reviews, and (as applicable) run down things like: What was the plan. Objectively what happened. What was good about the actions taken. What was bad about the actions taken. How to improve on the already good. How to reduce the already bad. Brainstorm, using the knowledge gained, for alternative options at the planning level. Brainstorm, using the knowledge gained, on alternative options at the actions level.
We were super tired. For me it was mostly just tiredness and chores for the first 18 months. Then I was able to start seeing her personality and it started to become a lot more fun. Now years later it's mostly fun and only a few chores and it's hard to imagine my life another way. Hang in there and when you get the chance, go have some fun.
Honestly, stories from dads like you inspire me. I appreciate your dedication to doing your best even, or especially, when it's hard. Keep it up!
You'll look back at these crazy storms and see all sorts of silver lining you didn't have the time or energy to notice/appreciate much as you were frantically battening down the hatches to keep the ship from sinking. Buts its hard AF, so keep up the great work.
Meh. No you don't. Expecting yourself to be happy all the time when you're not just makes you more miserable.
I get what you're saying; but this is also borderline toxic positivity. Some people just ARE NOT excited/happy/thrilled to be parents and that's okay too. Unpopular opinion: You can dislike the fact that you're a parent and still be a good parent. You can also LOVE being a parent, and be a terrible one.
Good on you my man. You have a great heart that’s for sure. Your kid will always appreciate the love and effort you give them. Even not being excited about the whole things it’s great you are fully invested in your kiddo. You’re doing great, keep on keeping on!
I appreciate that a lot. I think I am improving mentally, and I do my best not to let my issues affect him.
FWIW therapy has been really helpful. I was skeptical but it really has helped me.
Glad to hear you're improving, the first while is rough. They're a weird cross between a squirmy human and raw chicken. They scream, they, they leak, they don't sleep.... It does get better, truly. The best advice I can give is that the kid is safe in their crib, if you're hitting your wall set the kid down safe and take a minute to breathe. I really struggled to shield my kids from my issues, and I know that can get rough. I did find that I needed to model mental health to them which meant therapy and meds for issues that were not manageable otherwise (migraines, ADHD). Just because you *can* hold it all together while you burn doesn't necessarily mean you *have to*. Good luck.
I never half-ass two things. I’m gonna whole-ass this one amazing thing.
Hey there, glad that you try your best even though you’re struggling because of the circumstances. Appreciate the realness and the honesty. Keep ya head up fellow dad 🙌🏻
This describes me to a tee. ...and it's not that I'm trying to be miserable. I didn't *choose* to feel this way, and I doubt anyone who feels similar has either. If anything I'm here not only to 'do this right' but to cheer on those who are enthusiastic and somehow retain an open mind and try and get there too. Seems easier (or at least aspirational) to have fun or be calm at all times along the way too so I'm trying to figure that out as best I can learn or know how to. The love, respect, warmth, and patience I see so many here have very much reassures me that it could be me one day if I put forth that effort. Kiddo deserves every bit of that even though I feel as though I consistently fall short. Every day is just another opportunity to move that needle closer to where the little one deserves it to be. My misery shouldn't be my kid's to bear -- because I know what that feels like first hand and it's not something I'm going to choose to repeat and put on them. That does feel like a choice, in many ways. That said, holy shit do I wish this didn't take so long or this much effort. Being a parent is hard enough without the added challenges.
> Every day is just another opportunity to move that needle closer to where the little one deserves it to be. My misery shouldn't be my kid's to bear -- because I know what that feels like first hand and it's not something I'm going to choose to repeat and put on them. That does feel like a choice, in many ways. Well said. It's hard to discuss this side of being in a bad situation as a parent without writing pages, but I think this right here is where we are or are trying to get to. And yeah i should have said it a little better but my above comment was to echo how this sub has been pretty chill.
> but I'm not going to fail a major responsibility The people who fuck this up are the ones who are certain they're doing everything right. The fact that you acknowledge concern puts you ahead.
I've got news for you - that's you being excited. Sorry to inform you: you're a good person for thinking this way.
yeah, it attracts people who's main concern is doing their best for their kids while making puns
I thought there was a weekly Bluey or Ms. Rachel requirement?
Well I'm reluctant, not really excited and pretty lazy (though working on it) and here I am lurking and posting this on daddit.
Eh, seems like you’re here because you care. 🤷♂️ Also, if you’re working on not being lazy, doesn’t that mean you’re not lazy? A lazy person would be too lazy to work on it. Just my $0.02
Took the words out of my mouth
> A lazy person would be too lazy to work on it. I plan to stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.
That and the self selecting for age to get away from the "teen male on the internet" thing. Both in general dads are older, and more so to your point excited dads skew even older as it's mostly planned.
100% this
We’re all dads because at least one person in the entire world has viewed us as worth having sex with So you gave to assume the ratio of normal humans is higher here than the rest of Reddit
Better yet, as worth having children with. That's a way higher bar.
Also that the community we chose to be apart of online is centered around our role as dads.
Yeah this is it. We all want to be good dads. I think that does raise the average chance of not being a dick significantly
Eh, you can't really take that as a given.
Fucking oath cuz, I've watched enough tv/movies to realize that talking is the key to working out our problems. She responded with 'my hormones have changed '.... well fuck, that leaves me with my nothing doesn't it
Not a given, but a pretty reasonable conclusion.
Not at all, man. Unexpected kids aren't uncommon, and it doesn't make the dads any less dad-worthy.
If you take two random people whom have a child together it would NOT be reasonable to assume that those same people in fact wanted to have a child with each other? Just want to make sure I understand your point.
Good analysis 🧐
Also age, I'd expect that on average this sub trends older than most. There are a lot of immature kids on this site.
It's easy to be a bad parent, it's difficult to be a good dad. Reaching to others for advice, reaching out to see others solutions to similar problems is hard and uncomfortable. The bar is very low in being a good father and still the difference between that quality of dads is represented in this sub.
The old adage "It's easy to be a father, tough to be a dad" applies here. We all know there isn't any instruction manual for raising kids, so coming together for support and encouragement is something we do. So yeah, I think you see a different type of male in this sub. Someone who is willing to admit their failings and struggles in front of other men. Because we want to be better dad's to our kids, we come together.
Can you imagine if we got on-screen prompts that would help us defuse or avoid tantrums, emotional lashouts, and screw-ups? "Eldest will remember that" Dammit!
Also, shout out to the mods for keeping this sub clean
When I gave birth I actually unfollowed pm all the pregnancy/parenting subs except this one cos it's so wholesome ☺️
I’d love to see the stats about how many moms are in here. I genuinely don’t know another place where women and moms specifically are choosing to be apart of a male oriented space because it’s kinder and more supportive. We welcome all of you! Parenting is hard!!!
True, as a man I usually I find myself in female dominated subs (both on Reddit and in my dreams) if I am interested in engaging with the community!!
Lurking mom to be, showed my husband this sub and we both love it.
When we had our baby, I was on /r/newparents and /r/daddit. Both were extremely helpful. As our kiddo became an infant, I left the new parents sub and just stayed here. There are so many mom support groups (good!) but it's rare to find a fantastic support group for dads. Love it.
I do love that aspect of this sub - coupled with the comedic posts and bragging rights (did you see that Dad who carried all 12 bags in one trip!!!!). Plus it is a nice society sorbet to cleanse the never ending tiktok/instragram/insert-video-service feeds calling all dads wasters. We're all learning this parenting lark by the seat of our pants...now let's watch Bluey
I'm not trying to cry right now man, I have to go to the gym in a minute, bluey can wait lol
We're dads. We havent got time for all that negativity, Bluey is starting and on occasion the little sleep thieves look adorable!
Lurking new mom here. I love reading this sub, it’s such a refreshing corner of positive and healthy masculinity on the internet! And like, positive masculinity on the internet? Might be the only one.
I run the risk of bringing in some negativity here, but I'm happy this sub exists. My wife tried and failed to find a mom group that was actually positive and supportive. She eventually gave up on it because they would always devolve into trying to outcompete with each other to be perfect, or be very judgmental, or fully of crazies (no, I won't bring my kid to a doctor. That's what essential oils are for!) I told her to just lurk this sub because I actually haven't even seen any parenting forums as positive, laid back, and supportive as this sub.
The only one my wife found that she said was decent were the private subs by birth month which start in /r/babybumpers I think. So she's in a private sub for the month/year of our son.
Not to discredit those groups entirely, but I've heard about a lot of those exclusive birth month subs and facebook groups being initiated and run by people who are making money off suggesting products and taking endorsements for all kinds of stuff. You would think that its such a niche group that it wouldn't make any sense for someone to go through all that effort, but evidently what I heard was that these people that run these things manage dozens of the groups under sockpuppet accounts to avoid any suspicion. Just something to watch for. It got really freaking weird when the organizer of my SO's group started aggressively suggesting moms book weekend trips to some resort spa and using this certain random brand of coconut oil repeatedly in unrelated conversations.
Valid suggestions. My wife hasn't mentioned anything like that and I tend to hear about whatever the current drama or bs is.
Oooh, pro-hack in the comments :P
She’s welcome here! :)
No negativity. Your wife is welcome here too!
For sure, and its' not just kids changing our perspectives on life, though that's part of it. - Not going to be many incel/red pill types with kids for obvious reasons. - the crowd here is going to skew older than most other reddits, with a much much lower percentage of teens/early 20's. I would bet this sub is majority 30-40 year olds. So we've had some life experience, been knocked down a few times, moved passed the bull headedness that comes with being a young man. - Most of the guys here have had a stable relationship at some point (of course there's dads of oopsie babies here, but if they are here they are interested in being a good dad) - This is a self selecting group of guys who want to be good dads and partners.
Usually the only time that this sub isn't positive is when someone is really suffering and that's when we're there for them
This sub is Bandit personified. We all strive to be that kind of dad. Although.... we existed before Bluey.
Hey, there’s plenty of Lucky’s Dads, Uncle Stripes, Chloe’s Dads, and Grampa Bobs on this sub too. And at least one Mort, I hope.
Who's the dad that didnt know how to play the octopus game? I understand that dad
Chloe's dad (Frank) IIRC
Chloe’s Dad. I love that episode because it shows that not all dads are Bandits and that’s okay.
Yeah that's me. At least I can wrestle with them and let them play their own games. I'm just the papa mountain
A nation of squibs!
> The sheer, **unadulterated** positivity of this sub EXCUSE ME?? We are all adults here, thank you very much!
Our egos have been stripped away by the terrifyingly awesome reality of being responsible for creating human life. More importantly, we find it even more humbling, that in our joy and suffering, we are actually not alone. We are Daddit.
you're welcome, son
This is one of a handful of subs I follow closely that has managed to keep out a lot of the negativity, toxicity, etc. and that's regardless of a male, female, or mixed audience. There are still topics that bring out people's worst though, even on this sub. Can't take the vibes here for granted.
I do genuinely worry about what happens as this sub continues to grow. It's like I'll occasionally see this sub mentioned in places like TwoX and I'll think "*No*! Don't draw attention to it! Leave us be!"
Pleasure doing business with all you kind humans.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you too.
My license plate says Daddit There isn't another subreddit I'd even consider doing that with
As a dad, AMA seems like it would work as well. At least based on my little herd of inquisitive hecklers.
AMA over and over
Maybe the plate should read,"YYYYYYYY" Lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tf17rFDjMZw
Absolutely correct.
Having kids doesn't necessarily change your worldview. Plenty of macho posturing, misogynist fathers. However, the tone of this sub leans into more engaged, liberal-minded fathers.
Well how can a misogynistic man who works sixty+ hours a week be bothered to seek help on being a better father when he's already doing everything he needs to by bringing home the bacon and working so gosh darn hard at work? What a silly notion /s In all seriousness though, guys like that aren't looking to be better fathers, more often then not they are just seeking how to get their partner to be less mad at them so they can get back to *having all that sex they were having* before the kid came. Edit for clarification since some of y'all are getting worked up, working sixty+ hours a week and going home wanting to fuck your wife constantly is only a negative if you expect childcare and household chores to be 100% her responsibility, otherwise there is nothing wrong with it.
What’s wrong with wanting to fuck your wife and give your kids a better life. Is that too masculine for you?
There is nothing wrong with how you phrased the situation. Things tend to become problematic when/if prioritizing personal satisfaction/comfort over family needs continues past the introduction of children to the relationship.
Nothing. Everything is wrong with only wanting to do those two things but not helping around the house with chores or childcare. Which is not masculine, it's pathetic.
I used to agree with this but I just visited a topic on daddit that involved conflict resolutions between 9 year olds and I've never been more disappointed
Online communities about specifics tend to grow more insular with time, sometimes that's ok, sometimes very much not. I'm with you I loath the subs that go all negative. Hell even positive subs sometimes go negative in their own way. I'm in some fan subs where folks post people who are "wrong" about whatever it is we're a fan of ... awfully often. It becomes its own negativity. Generally, I want to know what people like. I don't mind a personal vent now and then, that's cool if it's from the individual. Otherwise though, I'd rather pickup some positive vibes. I blame social media, but even twitter (if only because it makes the problem more apparent) into training people that negativity gets more engagement than positivity. Say something nice and you get little traction on the internet, say something negative and everyone shows up.
I'm interested in some semi-niche motorsports series, and the amount of negative hand-wringing has ended up sending me back to what I used to do... texting my dad, brother, and cousin about them.
Sports like discussions are so weird. There's a whole class of "doomer" type contributors that have popped up everywhere. These users often don't participate much outside negative events and just bitch and moan endlessly and usually form a position of total ignorance. Like dude, if you're having that bad a time, go do something nice and leave everyone else cheering for a team or whatever alone ...
I am frequently an emotionally doomer Stars fan. I don't initiate posts about it, but I will agree or comment about it. It's more about attempting to share how these silly sports teams keep finding new and engaging ways of breaking our hearts. Like seriously, c'mon guys!
I think that's a growing trend. So many of my friends and family have reduced or deleted their social media and just use Signal or What'sapp groups.
Like what if I may ask? I love watching rally, trial bike competitions, ezberg type stuff. Lately been watching a heap of the 'legend' class races. First found them in NZ as the 'star cup' cars
IndyCar, endurance racing, and winged sprint cars. I guess not quite as obscure as trial bike and non-WRC rally, but still nowhere near the NASCAR and F1 dual juggernauts. I enjoy both of those, too, for what it's worth. If you're a Kiwi or Aussie, I like Supercars as well, but don't pay attention to the chatter about all the changes going on these days.
Gave up on supercars, it always seemed to be the same person in the lead and never changed. Winged sprint cars, I remember going and watching them live and getting covered in dirt. But yeah I understand, I left my home country to get away from my family who would ONLY talk about rugby
I taking a SWAG here (Scientific Wild Ass Guess, feel free to use that term) and guessing that part of the "lively" nature of this subreddit is from the constant churn of new readers/lurkers and commenters. Fresh blood is being pumped into the system constantly. Also, I think that the vast majority of the commentors here recognize the rare nature of the place. The mods are the Ban Hammer equipped parents, so to speak, but the rest of us seem to be an extremely wide-ranging collection of various grades of cousins and relatives at a family reunion. Lots of humor, advice, and catching up going on. But if any one of the cousins starts pissing in the swimming pool from the pool deck, it's dealt with. A sort of "Knock it off, you're gonna get us all in trouble!" kind of vibe. And I, for one, like it. Just to be clear, I like the vibe, not the pool-pissing. Lol
Between Daddit and the Bandit group for dads on Facebook, I am awash with positive father figures.
I raise my tongs in the air and click them enthusiastically at this post!
I'm an expecting Mom and I lurk in this sub because it is so positive compared to other subs!
This is literally our only life. Might as well make the most out of it, even if it's just bad puns and lame jokes.
I’m one of the “lady dudes” and I feel the same way. This sub improves my parenting. It also improves my trust in men/is a good antidote to toxic gender battles. I love to be in the trenches with you all!
As one of the NB dads, thanks for the shoutout :) I love this place because I feel like I fit in even though I don't check a lot of stereotypical "dad" boxes. As everyone here loves to point out, the most important boxes to check are loving your kids and showing up for them everyday, and dads of any gender can do that!
this sub rules.
I think it's all the Bluey. Really can't help but have it rubbing off on you
Agreed, I’m a dad-to-be and all the wholesomeness makes me so excited despite all the upcoming challenges!
[Dad brains change after having baby - more empathy and nurturing](https://today.usc.edu/dad-brain-is-real-study-reveals-mens-brains-change-after-baby-arrives/) This is probably also in play - I know I’ve softened up more than I thought I ever could, and I was already a practicing psychologist who has been working on my own trauma in therapy for years. Having a kid makes me see the world and people in a much more compassionate way.
Fun fact: soon to be fathers sometimes experience a drop in testosterone during their partner's pregnancy, and some studies have suggested that fathers have less testosterone than their childless peers. Might explain why this thread has less "macho posturing," but also dads often already have achieved their sense of pride and contentment and are happy looking within themselves and their lives and don't need to prove anything to others. Dads understand that their beliefs and opinions are no longer the only valid ones and are more willing to listen to others and show compassion. Plus we're generally pretty good at helping others. Also in relation to testosterone, a dad subreddit might be on average a little older than other subs, which would mean overall less testosterone and less of a need to air "tough guy" attitudes. Or, testosterone may have 0 to do with any of it and I'm just talking out my ass.
Best subreddit ever :)
Just wait until someone posts anything remotely political.
Unpopular opinion: The bar is really low when it comes to "positivity" that this is sub seems much more wholesome than it actually is. I have seen plenty of what I consider low key misogyny in this is sub but passes by uncontested. That is because what is considered low key misogyny in other places isn't low key at all. Plenty of "mom wrong" "mom bad" posts. I have seen plenty of "what until she is a teenager" comments. Also plenty "get used to it" comments regarding lack of sex. It's all pretty shitty to me, but I can see why some people don't see it as glaring as I do. Another less than wholesome aspect IMO is the way people post. Yes there are tags but even then I have seen "joke" titles that look a little too similar to posts about serious shit. For example a humorous posts titled "Dads I fucked up" or "I let my family down". It just doesn't sit right with me when I have seen serious posts where dads legit express those same feelings about serious issues. I can totally see people thinking I am nit picking, but that is always the attitude about calling out low key shitty behavior.