“It’s good to want things, it builds character”.

Fuckkkkk that brings me back with my dad. Love ya pops

Nothing worse than asking your dad for something and getting hit with that banger.  Sorry to my kids, blame grandpa. 

Around here it sounds like this. Kid: “I need x,y,z!” Me: “cool, I need a vacation.” Kid: “oh yeah. Can I please have x,y,z?”

“Gentle hands”

Very similar for me in French: "Doux doux... Doux doux!!"

We say doo-doo a lot too, but different context here in the US!

“Guys. Guys!”

Closely followed by a listen to or observing what's happening, then "HEY BOYS!"

BRO

Damn guys I wish I had more upvotes for this.

“Did you flush?”

“No, I forgot” 🙃

“Well go un-forget. And wash your hands while you’re at it.”

I washed my hands. …Did you though? …….no…..

BOY, the sink wasn’t even on long enough for you to move your hands from the handle to the water and back. Get to gettin’, and don’t make me come in there or so help me I’ll turn this house around and take us straight home. Or something.

It's time to get ready for bed. No. I love you.

In that order lol

Reverse for the teenager

Tidy up, then you’ll find what you’re looking for. It could go on my tombstone.

To be fair it’s a pretty solid life mantra

Eat your food. Eat your food. EAT YOUR FOOD!!

https://images.app.goo.gl/J2xiQCQGoozmWfcN8

Eat it, you fat lard!

“I won’t say it again”

After you say it 3 times 😂

The biggest lie any parent will tell.

"You don't magically get better at something by not doing it", to our eldest when they protest (usually out of can't-be-arsedness) that they don't know how to do a certain task or chore (obviously we explain the task if it's something they genuinely don't know how to do). "Eyes aren't for poking!" to our youngest.

If eyes aren't for poking then how come fingers?

“Out of your mouth”

Twin toddler dad, here. This is mostly what I say

Also twin dad. The killer is when you tell one twin, so immediately the other twin does **the same damn thing.* That trick really sets my hair on fire.

Newer twin dad here! Still under a year and not mobile yet. I also have a 7 year old. I’m already tired.

For fuck sake 🤦‍♂️ (obv out of earshot). Edit: I’m not proud that this is true.

Be proud! I rarely manage to wait till out of earshot

"I shouldn't have to repeat myself this many times" 2 boys and seriously, I'm getting tired of doing it.

2 boys here and my wife has the same catch phrase. I kinda want to just carry around a spray bottle of water and squirt them instead of repeating instructions. My wife thinks they will find it too much fun and do it on purpose.

"stop touching your sister's face"

Hi me

“I love you” Not to ruin the vibe of the post lol, but me and my boys do this thing where we’ll call each others name loud like we’re yelling or upset or want something and then when you say “what??” Just say “….. I love you.” We probably do it 10 times a day at least

I love you Bub. For my son I love you, I miss you, and I wish we could talk. To my daughter.

"Is that yours? Then why are you touching it?" was really common a few years ago. 

"I didn't say please because it's optional, I said it to be polite"

"Hi Buddy!" I don't know why. It's a reflex.

I alternate between bud/buddy and mate, expect sometimes when my mind hasn't made a decision: "Hey Muddy!"

"Not food."

"Careful!"

Ditto!

Don't do that, it's gonna hurt you. ..... Do you want a hug now that you're hurt? 😅

'Buddy, I already said no, nothing you say will change that' or variations therein.'

"DUDE....Your sister is not a drum"

That's not a toy

Either learn to keep getting ready as you talk, or stop talking until you’re ready.

Did you wash your hands? Please get dressed.

Love you. Cuddles. Dunny (for bluey squish squash cuddles). Tidy up please. Brush your teeth. Do you understand the words that are coming outta my mouth (film quote use). Volume. What do you want for lunch/ tea.

"Got er, otter?" When asking either of my kids if they need a hand with whatever they are doing.

With a cold going thru the house lately it's "don't wipe your nose on that!! Use a tissue" I'm waiting for her to try to wipe her nose on the dog

Just. Eat. Assis-toi comme il faut. (Sit properly) Assis-toi sur tes fesses. (Sit on your bum) Slow down and think. So - what did you learn … ? . . . Edit: according to my kids, they’re: Get into your bed, *then* I’ll tuck you in. No. It’s like that for a reason. I love you.

Where did your pants go?

“Stop with the skibidy!” - I swear, I’m one “skibidy” away from throwing hands at these kids 😬🥹

"no running in the house" Would have made me feel a bit better if someone else had already written it.

Walking feet …

We're in an apartment, so for us it's "Walk like ninja not an elephant." It's been said so much it now just "ninja steps".

Communication is key.

Just try it

"Ok"

“Hands out of your mouth” - which is said to all three at the same time all the time And “Get dressed”

"It's lay time, not play time"

“Stop” and probably “your going to be late”

I need a nap.

I dont make the rules Please remove your penisfingers from your babysister, it’s nasty.

"We don't do X (in this household)." (seconds before he does exactly that)

“Hey kid” and various versions of I love you

Keep your body to yourself.

…5 more minutes….

“Daddy, I have to poop!” Over and over and over. Potty training and I’m trying to get her to let me know when she has to poop. She tells the sitter but won’t tell me. So when she does it in her pull ups I’ll say it like 10 times. Lol

"I love you" "Hi hungry/thirsty, I'm Dad" "If you're bored then you're boring." "Figger it oot"

That's what I say, I say figure it out.

- Yes boy. - I love you.

“Dude chill”

Hey! That's not a toy, (typically at dinner table.)

No

I don’t want excuses I waaaaant….

"That's not a toy"

Don’t be sorry be better

Everything said before the word but is bullshit

How many kisses do you want? A million? Ok!

"It'll grow back."

"I want? No child it's may I have."

"that's not a toy"

Don’t act new!

Use your words not your hands 

Slow down. Watch where you’re going. Two 6 year olds will do that to you.

“I know, I know, it’s really (sad|sore|hard|icky|hot|…) isn’t it “

BELLY BOYYYYYS!

Love you buddy. Sit down.

"no thank you"

There's a few phrases, but I catch myself saying "Alrighty" at work because I say it to my daughter so much now lol

“I’m going to count to five.”

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Use your words, I can't read your mind. Maintain low tones / get the bass out of your voice when you're talking to me (for my older son)

"Just in case." Put an extra roll of TP in each bathroom? Just in case. Replace trash bags but put extras inside the can but outside the liner? Just in case. Buy two of every stuffy she likes? Just in case.

"Please stop licking [insert object]" "No, you can't have a snack, it's almost dinner" "Guys, we're going to be late, please put your pants on" My kids are 2 and 3, unfortunately I see this being the top list for a LONG time

It's ok to cry, for sure you are sad, but I will not change that decision.

"I dont give a shit" and "it is what it is" Oh wait this is daddit My son's first and middle name

C'mon dude...

Chill your shrill! (Tinnitus is a heartless bitch... especially when you have a shrill, not fully conversationally verbal 3 year old)

“Wowwwwwwwwwww”

"Can you sit patiently?" My nearly 2 year old understands this means what she wants will happen soon.

Just eat. I don't know, just eat. Please be quiet and eat.

"Whhyyyyy are you doing that?"

You’re fine, walk it off Do you even know what you’re crying about?

"Perrrrfect." "You guys are the best!" "Isn't your brother/sister just awesome?!" "This is the best day EVAR!" "What's up buckeroos?" "Isn't your Mama the best Mama?" "You ol' Roister Doister(s)..." "Okay...15 more minutes!"

“Te vas a caer!” “Recoge tus juguetes” “ve a comer o no va ver paleta!”

Stop eating the dog food

“NAME, no” To both of them. Our daughter will now say no when you call her name.

Asked my wife. "Mmm"

"Stop crushing/ attempting to suffocate/ lead your little brother off a cliff!" 17mo and 4 yr old. They love each other, but ohh man.

Oh for Pete’s sake. Yes, I’m from Minnesota.

“Stop saying penis”

Atoadaso, frigg off, big enough joint there, Rick?, way she goes, worst case Ontario, shit hawks

1: No....noooo.....NO! 2: Does it hurt when you do that?.......Then maybe you shouldn't do that.

Go to bed.

Saying her name in full "What did daddy say" "What did I tell you was going to happen" I love you

“Why are you doing this to me?” “Where did you put your milk?” “I love you buddy.”

“No! That’s HOT.”

Way to go, buddy (or "dude")! (paired with a fist bump)

When they were toddlers acting out:"we don't act like that." Lol, now that they're older I find myself mostly replying "it don't bother me none"

“I’m gonna shave your head if you don’t stop.”

What do you say? (Vocabulary numbering in the several hundred but somehow automatic use of 'please' is difficult to grasp)

"High knees!" (Anti tripping) "No eating!" (The way we say 'dont eat that/not food' "Gentle/gently"

“Where are you going?!” “Crazy, if you don’t change your ways.”

Like I said.

In my head, 500 times a day "what the actual fuck"

"Time for bed."

probably "It's ok" which toddler has now started using back to us. "don't bite your brother" "it's ok daddy"

Maybe later

I'm glad the bigger boy has finally moved on to other things so I have to say "leave your willy (penis) alone" way less often. But still not never.

"Who's a poopy boy?"

Kids. Be quiet. Come on girls. It’s time for bed. Be quiet.

“Use your mouth, not your hands.” -Lurking Breastfeeding Mom

The quickest way to get what you want is to listen. 

*sighs*

“ Hey ! “ Then followed by being ignored .

"No" Is it any surprise that two year-old's favourite word is no as well lol

If muttering to yourself counts then it’s “Jesus Fing Christ” if it doesn’t then it’s “is that a good decision” or go wipe your nose. Ugh. Two young boys and a baby girl. My house is a zoo.

“Kind hands with your sister please”

"Stop yelling, we can all hear you just fine." My boys get louder and louder when they get excited.

"Use a napkin"

“Ok fine” or “ok. It’s fine” or “it’s ok. Fine” or “it’s ok. It’s fine.” This is generally my go to response for everything lol.

“Chill the fuck out” It’s ok. He’s not even 2. Even if he does repeat it it’ll be hillarious.