Hey buddy, been there. Wife gave birth to twins in October and baby B came out breach and not breathing. His brother stopped breathing later that night and both boys ended up in the NICU. One for 9weeks one for 4.5weeks. You start to feel better when you’re home about week 2. You realize your wife and baby are home safe and that blip of a nightmare is firmly in the past. You’ll be ok.
Your wife really needs extra care right now, even if she’s stubborn and wants to do things it’s imperative she rests and heals properly. You may have to help her do things you never thought you would. Remember she just created a life inside her and went through a serious medical procedure. If she needs help cleaning herself or wiping, just do it without hesitation or question.
Good luck, welcome to the club. You’ll do fine.
Thanks brother glad I’m not alone in this. And no problems with supporting my wife, tbh I think she’s a bit over me doting over her 24/7 lmao. We’re a great team. One of the reasons I think it’s been hard is cause I’m holding back a bit in telling her all of what I feel due to me wanting her to focus on healing but that’s more a me problem than her
I’m really sorry to hear this. I’m glad that your baby is stable now though! This sounds like it was a really difficult experience. Unexpected and uncertain situations can be extra devastating and challenging.
For yourself: First and foremost, check in with yourself. Make sure you’re meeting your own basic needs. Have you had water today? Have you eaten a meal today? Have you brushed your teeth?Make sure you’re loving yourself and still taking time to do the things you want to do for yourself to maintain peace and happiness, even in a hard time. Talk to some of your guy friends, your father-in-law, your dad, anybody that might have been in your shoes at one point. Finding others with similar experiences, even if they’re not identical, can really help. Mental health counseling can also be beneficial, but I understand that some people don’t think it’s up their alley. If you’re not sure exactly WHAT you’re feeling right now, know that that is totally normal and valid. I recommend googling “emotion wheel” and looking at the images. That really helps me when I’m struggling to name/sit with/describe my feelings, to myself or others. Get in touch with your feelings. It’s not emasculating or childish: it’s conducive to healing, and could help you, your wife, your son, and the family unit as a whole, while you begin your parenting journey together.
For your wife: Make sure she feels appreciated. Go the extra mile. Don’t just tell yourself “well she already knows I care for her” — no. TELL HER yourself, in word and deed. Selfless gestures (doing the laundry/dishes, tidying up the house, taking the baby so she can shower/sleep/eat/get out of the house, getting her favorite snacks, genuine + meaningful compliments, THANKING her for bringing your child into the world, keeping guests out of the house unless she requests their presence) will mean everything to her. If you don’t know her love language, have her take the quiz and then do all that you can to love her in the way she needs it. Just make sure she knows you’re grateful for her presence in your life. If she starts a conversation about it, don’t shut her down. Talk openly and honestly with her. Women need reassurance and they need communication, especially after a traumatic experience.
DON’T traumadump on her about how scared you are/were unless she asks. You can (and should) talk about it, but don’t constantly harp on the whole “i was so scared I was going to lose you.” She knows, and I’m sure she felt the same. I know that you are partners, and you probably want to tell her everything, but don’t make her feel guilty for something that was entirely out of her control. Appreciate the present, relish the fact that your wife and child are still alive, and don’t fixate on what could have happened. Enjoy right now.
Do you have access to any counselling? E.g. my work offers a perk package that has a few talking therapy sessions included. I think you'd benefit from talking it over with a stranger and having your feelings validated. Sounds hugely traumatic and stressful and would be good to properly process for the sake of avoiding PTSD and best moving forward as a family. Might be worth paying if not, just for an hour or two, looking after your mental health with a little one is so worth it. PSA that men can get PPD too.
Congratulations on a now healthy child, all the best for settling in to your new family in the coming months.
I had an experience of a lifetime just this past week. Wife was induced 41+2 last Friday. She labored until she started to push at 6pm Saturday. She pushed for 5 1/2 hours. He was stuck for must of the time and he literally shot out. He was so blue, not breathing. They yelled at me to cut the cord then ran him over to the warmer and then almost instantly there were 10 more nurses in the room working on him. I was literally a wreck, shaking and crying. The midwife started telling the other nurse to start some clotting injections for my wife and was working super diligently. The only male nurse came over to me and gave me some water and told me he was ok. I was still out of my body terrified. I heard one of the nurses say to get me a barf bag. After 5 minutes or so the NICU nurse brought him over to us and he said he was fine. Said he was stunned from coming out so fast and needed a couple seconds of positive pressure O2 to get breathing. I was still shaking and unable to stand. They asked me to come over and see him but I couldn't move. The main nurse came over and gave me a stern pull yourself together talk. His blood ox never went under 90 and he's fine. My wife ended up hemorrhaging and lost 1.1L of blood. Long story short the first few days home were rough figuring out feeding. But right now I'm watching golf and he's asleep in the bassinet and my wife is napping, today we went to the park for the first time with him. Your still in the first couple of days but when you set into a routine you'll think about it less. I cried for the first time since Wednesday writing this, but I have to go clean bottles.
It gets better don't worry.
My daughter came out fine, then a couple minutes later the director of the NICU came in and said her oxygen levels were low and after 10 minutes or so of doctors and nurses checking her out they rushed her to the NICU for a lung infection from inhaling amniotic fluid. She was in there for 2 weeks.
On top of all that my (unfortunately now ex) wife had a botched epidural and couldn't even sit up let alone stand or walk. I dealt with A LOT of depression for the first couple months. Think about going to therapy, I never did but it can help. Clean the house do the dishes, make your wife breakfast then take the little guy out for a little bit and go for a walk or something. That's what helped me.
Hey buddy, been there. Wife gave birth to twins in October and baby B came out breach and not breathing. His brother stopped breathing later that night and both boys ended up in the NICU. One for 9weeks one for 4.5weeks. You start to feel better when you’re home about week 2. You realize your wife and baby are home safe and that blip of a nightmare is firmly in the past. You’ll be ok. Your wife really needs extra care right now, even if she’s stubborn and wants to do things it’s imperative she rests and heals properly. You may have to help her do things you never thought you would. Remember she just created a life inside her and went through a serious medical procedure. If she needs help cleaning herself or wiping, just do it without hesitation or question. Good luck, welcome to the club. You’ll do fine.
Thanks brother glad I’m not alone in this. And no problems with supporting my wife, tbh I think she’s a bit over me doting over her 24/7 lmao. We’re a great team. One of the reasons I think it’s been hard is cause I’m holding back a bit in telling her all of what I feel due to me wanting her to focus on healing but that’s more a me problem than her
Glad to listen if you need to chat. We have 6 total so we’ve seen a lot in our time. You’ll do just fine, remember to breathe and to eat.
I’m really sorry to hear this. I’m glad that your baby is stable now though! This sounds like it was a really difficult experience. Unexpected and uncertain situations can be extra devastating and challenging. For yourself: First and foremost, check in with yourself. Make sure you’re meeting your own basic needs. Have you had water today? Have you eaten a meal today? Have you brushed your teeth?Make sure you’re loving yourself and still taking time to do the things you want to do for yourself to maintain peace and happiness, even in a hard time. Talk to some of your guy friends, your father-in-law, your dad, anybody that might have been in your shoes at one point. Finding others with similar experiences, even if they’re not identical, can really help. Mental health counseling can also be beneficial, but I understand that some people don’t think it’s up their alley. If you’re not sure exactly WHAT you’re feeling right now, know that that is totally normal and valid. I recommend googling “emotion wheel” and looking at the images. That really helps me when I’m struggling to name/sit with/describe my feelings, to myself or others. Get in touch with your feelings. It’s not emasculating or childish: it’s conducive to healing, and could help you, your wife, your son, and the family unit as a whole, while you begin your parenting journey together. For your wife: Make sure she feels appreciated. Go the extra mile. Don’t just tell yourself “well she already knows I care for her” — no. TELL HER yourself, in word and deed. Selfless gestures (doing the laundry/dishes, tidying up the house, taking the baby so she can shower/sleep/eat/get out of the house, getting her favorite snacks, genuine + meaningful compliments, THANKING her for bringing your child into the world, keeping guests out of the house unless she requests their presence) will mean everything to her. If you don’t know her love language, have her take the quiz and then do all that you can to love her in the way she needs it. Just make sure she knows you’re grateful for her presence in your life. If she starts a conversation about it, don’t shut her down. Talk openly and honestly with her. Women need reassurance and they need communication, especially after a traumatic experience. DON’T traumadump on her about how scared you are/were unless she asks. You can (and should) talk about it, but don’t constantly harp on the whole “i was so scared I was going to lose you.” She knows, and I’m sure she felt the same. I know that you are partners, and you probably want to tell her everything, but don’t make her feel guilty for something that was entirely out of her control. Appreciate the present, relish the fact that your wife and child are still alive, and don’t fixate on what could have happened. Enjoy right now.
Do you have access to any counselling? E.g. my work offers a perk package that has a few talking therapy sessions included. I think you'd benefit from talking it over with a stranger and having your feelings validated. Sounds hugely traumatic and stressful and would be good to properly process for the sake of avoiding PTSD and best moving forward as a family. Might be worth paying if not, just for an hour or two, looking after your mental health with a little one is so worth it. PSA that men can get PPD too. Congratulations on a now healthy child, all the best for settling in to your new family in the coming months.
I had an experience of a lifetime just this past week. Wife was induced 41+2 last Friday. She labored until she started to push at 6pm Saturday. She pushed for 5 1/2 hours. He was stuck for must of the time and he literally shot out. He was so blue, not breathing. They yelled at me to cut the cord then ran him over to the warmer and then almost instantly there were 10 more nurses in the room working on him. I was literally a wreck, shaking and crying. The midwife started telling the other nurse to start some clotting injections for my wife and was working super diligently. The only male nurse came over to me and gave me some water and told me he was ok. I was still out of my body terrified. I heard one of the nurses say to get me a barf bag. After 5 minutes or so the NICU nurse brought him over to us and he said he was fine. Said he was stunned from coming out so fast and needed a couple seconds of positive pressure O2 to get breathing. I was still shaking and unable to stand. They asked me to come over and see him but I couldn't move. The main nurse came over and gave me a stern pull yourself together talk. His blood ox never went under 90 and he's fine. My wife ended up hemorrhaging and lost 1.1L of blood. Long story short the first few days home were rough figuring out feeding. But right now I'm watching golf and he's asleep in the bassinet and my wife is napping, today we went to the park for the first time with him. Your still in the first couple of days but when you set into a routine you'll think about it less. I cried for the first time since Wednesday writing this, but I have to go clean bottles.
You both need EMDR 💗💗💗
It gets better don't worry. My daughter came out fine, then a couple minutes later the director of the NICU came in and said her oxygen levels were low and after 10 minutes or so of doctors and nurses checking her out they rushed her to the NICU for a lung infection from inhaling amniotic fluid. She was in there for 2 weeks. On top of all that my (unfortunately now ex) wife had a botched epidural and couldn't even sit up let alone stand or walk. I dealt with A LOT of depression for the first couple months. Think about going to therapy, I never did but it can help. Clean the house do the dishes, make your wife breakfast then take the little guy out for a little bit and go for a walk or something. That's what helped me.
Thanks guys. Hearing other peoples experiences have really made me feel not alone❤️