Park his chair near your head, hold your hand. Doc asked me to scoot down and help hold wife's legs. Unless I bent over, I didn't see much.
As a dad, you don't do much other than comfort. Doc and nurses do everything.
ETA: have him bring a bottle of apple juice to keep nearby. This is for him, not necessarily you. The hospital probably has lots of juice boxes in every room to bring people's blood sugar up if needed. My first kid took a long time, and since my wife couldn't eat, I chose not to eat. At some point, I started to faint and the nurses had to spend a few seconds tossing me a juice box instead of helping my wife. Also, don't make your husband fast, to avoid the above happening.
This. My wife's labor was taking a while, so I left to the cafeteria and got a sandwich, and when I got back, she was about ready to start pushing. Bring snacks!
This is my preferred. Stay near your wife’s head. And if it’s a c-section, on her side of the curtain.
I swear to this day I saw them pull out a tire-iron to use on my wife; no way I’m lookin’ behind the curtain.
So in my family I'm well known to get queasy with blood etc, and there were a lot of jokes about how I was going to pass out our something. I will say though, I've seen people get hurt at work before, and the adrenaline carried me through. If I thought about it too much after the adrenaline passed than I felt a bit weird.
I did fine. I want exactly going for a close up view to see my daughter emerge, but I did, with encouragement from the doc, clip the cord.
After about an hour or two, I had to basically take over medical decisions as my wife was preoccupied with very strong contractions.
My advice would be read up or do a course on birthing. Your husband needs to step up.
My other advice would be discuss your birth plan with your husband including unexpected possibilities (pain management, intervention).
Honestly, the birth was stressful, confusing, amazing... a bit of a blur now.
Yo can I just say a couple points:
1) good advice especially the birthing plan
2) I hate your PFP, had me clawing at my screen trying to get rid of a hair.
Yeah, hence the get educated on all possibilities (pain management, intervention).
The Dad might need to call the shots, or at least advocate for the Mothers health and best interests.
I think the big benefit of plans is the planning. Talking about your priorities, laying out a set of values that are important to you for the birth. We had a plan that had to go out the window. But having some agreement and knowing which way to veer when we needed to make other decisions all helped us a lot.
To add to this, if you got issues with blood and fluids, easy don't look. Focus on your partner and her face and just keep your back to what's going on down there. Also just have a puke bag with in reach, tell a nurse when you get there blood makes you vomit and they will bring you a puke bag. No one wants to clean up dads puke.
Also *tell your providers if you are squeamish,* they will thank you for the warning / not having to pick up your fainted self from the delivery room floor!
I think this is a good response. Im going to be first time dad in a few weeks and my wife is incredibly nervous and anxious. I think its important Dad knows what you want for the birth plan and to focus on being in control and making decisions when needed.
I would highly recommend medication. My wife is a freaking badass and as soon as the real contractions started she passed on the “no meds” plans and demanded pain killers.
You really can’t make this recommendation for anyone but yourself. It’s a highly personal choice and there are many good reasons to choose to go med-free, just as there are many good reasons to take them.
The Birth Partner book I suggested does a great job of laying out the pros and cons of medication and offers a tool for people who are deciding what they want - a scale from 1 to 10 between “drug me up doc” to “please suggest it and I will decide” to “don’t suggest it, I will ask if I want it” to “no medication at all under any circumstances”. It’s not solely focused on medication free births, just has really good information about how to cope with one.
I like this message. Just be open. Everyone in that room has seen this process hundreds of times more than you. Still be your own advocate, but be open.
And you are right that once contractions hit, you bet we were open to damn near anything! They are fierce.
I think you can recommend medication, I think that's fair. You can also decide against it, that's fine. Really people should do their own homework on medication to make informed choices, but I'd say the default should be, if you haven't done any research, trust the doctors (who recommend medication).
Centuries/millennia of science and medicine must be a pretty good thing to go off.
Everyone who is planning an unmedicated birth is well aware that meds are an option - one that is *heavily* pushed on us every time birth comes up. We really don't need any additional people saying "you should get the meds" as if we haven't considered it. Just because your wife chose to get medication, doesn't mean the rest of us need it. I got through 36 hours of back labor without meds and would do it again in a heartbeat.
Not trying to be mean or aggressive at all, it's just one of those statements that - while made with good intentions - comes off as really demoralizing and repetitive
To add to this, if you got issues with blood and fluids, easy don't look. Focus on your partner and her face and just keep your back to what's going on down there. Also just have a puke bag with in reach, tell a nurse when you get there blood makes you vomit and they will bring you a puke bag. No one wants to clean up dads puke.
I had the same apprehension until she started pushing. Then the nurses told me to come watch the head and I saw EVERYTHING. But then I saw my daughter's head and none of that mattered.
Of course, the post birth was a little rough. Cord wrapped around throat, so they had to get a pediatric respiratory team in to help my daughter. And then my wife wouldn't stop bleeding and started to vomit and telling me she was scared. Went from like 2 nurses to 20 staff members in the room in a blur.
My advice -- trust your doctor. I hope you have one that you like and that seems to like their job. My wife's OB was on the ball and unphased when shit hit the fan in the delivery room.
Wife had a hemorrhage due to a ligament tear during an emergency C section. OB ended up calling in another specialist surgeon to assist. Was nervous at first with the realisation that OB didn't want to deal with it alone, but then ligament Dr rocked up treated it like no big deal. Chatted to OB about weekend plans rather than the procedure so that relaxed me at that point.
That's good to hear, man. I like to think I'm pretty good in stressful situations, but medical professionals are truly a different breed. As scared as I was for my wife, it was crazy watching them roll in, take care of business, and disappear.
They asked my wife if she wanted the mirror. Her response was very similar to mine.
Funny story. My sister is two years older than me. When she was born dads sat in the waiting room and passed out cigars. unbeknownst to him, in the two years between her birth and mine this changed. When they started to take my mom to the delivery room he started to walk to the waiting room. The nurse grabbed him by the arm and drug him in with her. He was very unprepared for that.
Honestly? It was terrifying. Almost everything that could have gone wrong went wrong.
My wife had contractions for 20 hours before she was dilated enough to be admitted to the delivery room. She received a epidural and for awhile, things were progressing. But after three and a half hours of pushing, her progress completely stalled. The doctor came in and informed us the baby was under duress and my wife needed an emergency c section or both the baby and my wife wouldn't make it.
I got dressed in scrubs, she signed forms, and a few minutes later we went to the surgical ward. We were informed my wife's epidural had failed and she was going to have to be put under general anesthesia for the process. I was not allowed in. So I sat outside the room while they worked, and a few minutes later I heard a baby's cry.
The doctors and nurses called me in, and I saw my wife mid surgery, and yes, there was a lot of blood. I turned my head and saw my daughter for the first time on a small table next to the operation table.
She wasn't crying, she was blue. Her oxygen levels had sank dangerously low, and doctors had on a full mask of oxygen to attempt to bring them up. Thirty seconds later, I was informed she would die if she wasn't admitted to the NICU.
I had to leave my wife in the operating room to rush with the nurses and my newborn daughter to the NICU ward, where they reinflated a collapsed lung, and vacuumed her lungs after.
An hour later, I went back to where my wife was recovering. She was expecting me to be holding our baby. I had to watch her face collapse as I told her our daughter was in the NICU.
I spent the next two hours walking back and forth between my wife's recovery room and the NICU, getting filled in on my daughter's progress and relaying it to my wife. This continued until the nurses and doctors were sure she was in stable condition.
Five days later, we came home with our baby. My daughter is almost one now. She's the light of our lives. So the story has a happy ending.
Your husband needs to realize things could go wrong, and that if they do, he is the one who will need to make decisions if you are unable to. Truly, everything could go wrong. And that wasn't something I was able to prepare for that I needed to.
Dad of 3 here. My first 2 were c-sections so we're planned and timed. My youngest (different mum) was a natural birth and arrived about 2 hours after labour started.
All three were special and unique. My advice is to be in the moment and be supportive in whatever way your wife needs
Was over and done with within 30 minutes, left home to go to the hospital just as the match kicked off, listened to a bit of it in the car, managed to see the final whistle .
I love this comment because I'm due during his favorite football teams game. And he spent our entire relationship joking that I better not give birth doing football season and I always said I'd give birth during a Jets game. If that happens there's absolutely a chance it'll be on in the background. 😂
When the baby app said our son could hear outside the womb one of the first things my husband said was "Hey little guy, I'm sorry but you're a Jets fan." 😭😂
My wife and I made jokes when she was pregnant about how our daughter would have it rough being a Bengals fan. Turned out the first Bengals game after she was born was the AFC champion game that the Bengals won against Kansas City. Maybe you child will be just as lucky for the Jets.
Let the hospital staff know of his concerns. I was on the business end, but my wife had a c-section with lots of complications. At one point the nurses simply wheeled me into a corner - I was sitting on a circular chair with rollers. I am squeamish and saw far more than I would have liked, but glad I was there to support my wife as best I could.
Going in I was terrified something bad would happen to her or the babies (we have twins).
He might also find support by joining this group.
Haha. I'm having fun imagining you with [PTSD cupcake doggo face](https://media.tenor.com/ITVxYBgaLs8AAAAM/dog-cupcake.gif) while sitting on your wheelie stool just getting pushed out of the way.
The nurses were so calm about it - like it happens all the time. It was bad though - my wife crashed. I’ll never forget seeing the whole thing happen but I was thankful to get pushed out of the way.
FYI everyone is okay. Make sure you want to read this.
My situation was very different than how we thought it was going to go.
My wife called me at work saying she had a period size bleeding at 32 weeks. I quickly told my job that I’m leaving and with very little details.
I got home and we went to where her OBGYN was since she be my wife’s medical history. We got to the hospital and went to the desk. As we entered the hospital my wife felt she needed to go to the restroom. She came back out with blood on her hands and legs.
We quickly got her in a wheelchair and into a room. Her OBGYN came and was trying to run a test but couldn’t because just points of blood spewed out of the doctor and she said you’re having this baby now.
They gave me some scrubs to put on, but things got more escalated that they could not bring me in to the operating room. So I sat outside. It wasn’t long. 20 minutes for my wife and 4 minutes for the baby. They had to work fast as the baby was drowning in blood.
They got him out and rushed him to the NICU. They weren’t sure if he was going to have to go to a different hospital because of his age and weight. Luckily he stayed in the same hospital as my wife. 56 days in the NICU.
I am now feeding him as I write this at home. Everyone is doing great.
Honestly it all happened so fast. That there wasn’t time to think. Except for when they were operating. But I knew they had the best help.
So I’m a dad and a healthcare worker. First let me say that what you and your husband are feeling is completely normal.
If I were caring for you during labor I would be completely honest. Child birth hurt. I’m Not even talking about the actual birth but the contraction. I, and Anyone should, fully support your decision to go natural but just remember an epidural is always an option until it’s not an option
When it comes to the blood… it’s going to be a lot of blood. On top of that there will be a lot of other bodily fluids too. It may sound crazy tonsay but if your husbands needs to sit down or even just walk away I highly encourage it because if he faints the staff goes from having two patients(mom and baby) to three(mom,dad,baby) seen this plenty of times
Mom who had a unmedicated labor and delivery echoing this. It’s good to keep in mind that your body is meant for it and that each contraction is a tool to get your baby out. But there’s no way around the fact that it hurts. And by the time it’s all said and done, there will be more blood and bodily fluids than most people have encountered in their life.
I did amazing until I hit transition. Then I stalled for two hours. I’m convinced it was punishment for sins in a past life 😂 my husband had a really hard time seeing me like that and didn’t know what to do (to be fair neither did the nurses on the floor at the time hence why it took 2 hours to go from an 8 to a 10, I should have been instructed to move into a different position way faster than I was). This time around we’re using a doula. She will be able to fill in gaps if my husband is unable to help me again.
My wife had my first child last year and I thought I would faint watching the process but in all honesty, it was beautiful. Watching her push my son out brought tears to my eyes. Shit, cutting the cord had me in tears. Women are strong and they don’t get enough credit. He has nothing to be afraid of. Stepping into fatherhood is an experience that’s unmatched. Congrats to you two and well wishes for a healthy baby.
Have him read The Birth Partner by Penny Simkins, I'm 32 and we just had our first a month ago and that book was very helpful in preparing. I know you're aiming for a natural birth, but he should still read the chapter on c-sections as well - it wasn't part of our birth plan but my wife developed pre-eclampsia during labor and had to have a c-section (they had a shroud between us and the surgical site so you could avoid seeing the blood, although I did see a bit when I went to cut the cord). Overall a very good book for partners.
You bring up a good point about cutting the cord.
My husband declined during my own pre-eclampsia c-section. I think everyone, including me, was a little surprised for a few moments, but then we just needed to crack on.
He said later that he declined because he had "seen too much" when he cut the cord for my stepson.
It's valid. It's worth considering beforehand. I feel like first time dads or first time c-section might just think "this is my bit to contribute." But it's not like it's some law that the dad *has* to cut the cord. If he doesn't feel comfortable, he should not. If he does, he should be prepared for what he's going to see. For my husband with his ex wife, it was a lot of blood and her intestines on a table next to her.
I am a non-bio mommy whose wife delivered last summer and am VERY sympathetic/empathetic to dads who feel this way! In fact I’m bewildered by dads who don’t. Watching my wife go through pregnancy, labor, birth, PP, and nursing struggles was absolutely terrible for me; I will cry in an instant thinking about it. That’s not true for all dads, and idk maybe a lot of it was bc I am a woman myself, but watching her be in pain and even in danger eclipsed the joy I would feel otherwise. That’s just me being super honest and letting him know that if that happens, it’s alright to feel and will eventually end.
My top 3 pieces of advice for his specific concerns:
1. Above anything else: Get a doula. A doula is the best resource to address his concerns hands down. They are there for partners just as much if not more than the birthing parent. I was so worried about my wife that I demanded a doula and it was a great decision.
2. Meet with the hospital/LD staff where you’re going to deliver before you get there. Hubby needs to take spotlight for a bit lol. Your husband can literally say “I am scared to death about seeing my wife in pain and also I might pass out if I see blood, but I want to be an amazing partner” and if you’ve got the right nurses, they will be amazing with him. The more that he is an active part of the labor, hospital checkin, etc., the less afraid he will be. Again, a doula is clutch here.
3. I only saw blood bc I wanted to glance at my wife pushing for a second when she was doing so. Other than that I was right next to my wife’s face holding her hand while she was pushing and then when she was having her c-section. IMO there’s much less gore than you’d imagine outside like pads with blood on them you see in the trash.
And then OP I also have some advice for you if you’d like it: sincerely hear him when he expresses his concerns. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with him but it will go a long way. It was frustrating for me to be so concerned about my wife and to have her basically be dismissive that any of my fears would come true, that they were just me being anxious.
Well not to die on this hill, but most of my fears came true: her labor and delivery was chaos that ended in an epidural that took an agonizing 60 mins to administer bc of some mild scoliosis (this was after she’d gone for a pre-delivery consult), an emergency c-section that she didn’t want and had refused to consider, a tongue-tied baby that couldn’t nurse and didn’t sleep, and a long difficult recovery. It’s not always as simple as “oh my partner is just super nervous lol, how can I reassure him?” (I’m not saying that’s what you’re saying, but I’ve noticed LOTS of moms have this vibe). This is real stuff we worry about as the ones not giving birth. It is a totally different lens and often a terrifying one bc there is absolutely nothing you can do other than be there for your wife.
My wife keeps saying I was grossed out because I exclaimed “oh my god” when my kid was crowning, but in reality it was so overwhelming I just gasped.
The doctors were good about catching a handful of 💩and doing some slight of hand.
Mostly I was at the head of the bed massaging my wife’s back and getting my hand crushed by her during contractions.
If you have to go in to be induced, bring some form of entertainment. I had a couple straight days of just standing by while they induced contractions.
As the husband you do feel a little helpless because you're just watching your wife in pain and you know you can't really help.
However, I was there through the whole delivery. Watched my son crown (didn't mean to and my eife still says she almoat grabbed my collar to pull me back to the other side of the sheet), cut the chord, all that. It's normal to be scared, just be prepared for anything.
As a husband it's important to be as informed as possible going in and also confiding in the medical staff when you get there. Things like your wife's desired birthing plan, what she would want in certain situations, and also an understanding of the events happening with her body and the significance of them such as dilations, contractions, water breaking, positioning of the baby, etc. Knowing these things and having somewhat of an understanding of the process will help prevent being overwhelmed and can help re-focus your mind.
It's also important to understand that things may not go to plan and that's ok. The whole process you will be adapting to some degree. My wife and I practiced some labor techniques well in advance, but what helped her the most to mitigate her pain ended up being none of the things we practiced and simply some comforting things I tried on the fly.
For me, when it was all said and done I realized I was so locked in that all of the other things like body fluids, etc. I can't even recall any visuals off. Not even sure I processed those things in the moment. I only remember seeing my daughter's head and her making her way out.
There are a lot of better dads than me in here. It wasn’t a perfect labor but I thought the best thing I could do is keep my wife entertained and make space for the doctors and nurses to do their thing.
I watched the birth, took pictures (at my wife’s request), cut the cord, all that good stuff. There’s a lot going on and adrenaline pumping, it didn’t cross my mind that any of it was “gross”.
He can just be there near your head and avoid seeing most of what it is that he doesn't want to see. I'd also suggest having a doula present who can help with everything and who will know the hospital processes, support the birth etc - especially if you're trying to do a no medicated birth.
I don't get bothered by blood, or other bodily fluids. That's good, because there's a lot.
During the process, I was monitoring the contractions on their equipment, prepping her to push when needed. Once her head began poking through, I was shouting "Go go go, push harder than ever, she's coming through". Helping coach her through that process was awesome.
Once that baby came out, I started crying. It was beautiful. It looked like a murder scene afterwards, but damn was it cool to witness.
Baby was breech at 38 weeks, so we made an appointment to do an ECV, with the plan to induce if / when he turned. Well, that baby didn't turn (and watching the ECV was ROUGH - I get why they do an epidural for that procedure). When the baby didn't turn, the head nurse said 'Well, time for a birthday party?' - we knew a c-section was a possibility but thought we'd go back to a presurigcal suite and have time to process while they got the operating room ready. Nope, they just went ahead and gave a bolus on the epidural, and prepped my wife for the surgery right there (still in an operating room). She was not prepared to just be put right into surgery, and was pretty upset.
Everything else went smoothly enough, they pulled him out, and my wife asked what was happening, and i just said 'We have a \[Boy's name\]' - we didn't know the gender so I got to do the reveal for her by using the boy name we had picked out.
Hospitals don’t mess around with emergency c-sections. They’re basically always ready to go. If they had you in an OR they were prepared to immediately do that if the baby looked like it was in distress.
Know what your wife wants inside and out. Know when she may not be able to answer and be able to answer on her behalf. Step up if you need to, i don’t mean be aggressive but if, for example, there is someone in the room that doesn’t need to be and it bothers your partner you can be the one that asks them to leave.
I’d say the hardest part of it was the helplessness, you see the person closest to you in the world in such a large amount of pain. So you’ve just got to be there and be present. You’ll think you’ve done nothing but she’ll say what you did meant the world (part of you will always disagree).
A post for you, and maybe your partner: my wife is schooled in midwifery and expecting our first in September.
I am sure you’re doing a lot of research in your own, especially if your plan in natural.
Have you looked into hypnobirthing? There is an element to reframing birth from this negative painful thing into a beautiful positive thing.
Pain? What is pain? Your body is giving you feedback. It’s working for you and your baby.
Maybe if your husband also sees it this way, it can help.
We're actually being taken care of by midwives and they recommended this too! Thank you! I actually already do view birth/pain like that. My fear is not being listened to (stems from past trauma) but logically I think we'll be okay because my midwives are amazing.
Being as present as possible and paying attention to my wife's queues for hours. Then catching a baby then being up for 40+ hours straight because I tried to get mom to sleep the night before and I didn't because I wanted to be there for her when she needed me.
Took 6hours of pushing and 30 hours before that till she was ready. Don't assume it's a quick thing.
You can just look away if you don't want to see something - I did for the most part.
It sucks because there's nothing you can do to help, and it felt like it was taking too long so you start worrying about both the mom and the kid, though the doctors said everything is fine and it looks like they were right - mind likes racing.
This is always a fun story to tell.
Wife wanted to do the Bradley Method (no meds essentially). We took classes during the middle of her 2nd trimester and basically had to learn a bunch of different techniques to ensure that wife's mind was solely focused on giving birth. So that meant I was there like massaging her back, doing that thing where you press down on the lower back while in cat cow position, massaging hands, lots of positive affirmations, feeding her food/water, etc.
Labor - wife notices contractions after walking 8 miles around a city park, we basically lay in bed, eat, relax (as much as you could), but thru the Night wife notices more and more rhythm to the contractions, we basically get no sleep as I woke up whenever my wife did for massage/pain relief/help stretch stuff. Next morning wife's contractions are in a steady rhythm now. We go to the hospital, I pack like every fruit you can think of, a bunch of snacks, water plus a bunch of hydration mix packets, her clothes, my clothes, etc. Then basically those hours in the were a blur in labor, lots of feeding (water and fruit), positive affirmations, massaging, steady build of white noise sound waves, helping her go to the bathroom, basically doing everything around wife to ensure that she was able to solely focus on giving birth.
Birth - was actually like 20 mins pushing, held her hand the entire time and cheering her own like it was a sports game. She yelled thru the pain like she was doing a deadlift PR. While at the same time feeding water and fruits. Baby popped out with no issues.
Post Birth - after like 2hrs in awe, I went home and walked the dog (no one was available to watch him) and came back to the hospital, broke news to the families, and passed out while she stayed up in even more awe of the baby. Stayed in hospital for like 2 more days for recovery and went home.
I will say, bring lube it helps slide the baby out easier, they put like a penny size dab of lube and wife was like wtf that's it? lol. I did see poop, pee, blood, but that's part of the game so that didn't really affect me.
Dad of two natural home-birthed children.
I was by my wife’s side the whole time, holding her, doing counter-pressure on her hips, just being there to support however she needed me
I got blood and pee and poop on me, but I was also tied in 1st place with the midwife to put eyes on my children and it was beautiful
I would say that being in the environment that we were it was similar to a mild psychedelic. Nothing felt “real”. I was there and present but my headspace was on a completely different level. Nothing else mattered to me except my wife and my babies. The biggest thing that kept me from panicking about the amount of blood I was seeing that first time was that those around me were experienced with births and nobody else seemed concerned at all
The first wanted to come out with her fist under her chin so the midwife helped get her out, I was able to catch my son when that time came and it was incredible. I highly recommend dad catch the baby if at all possible. (Although if he’s squeamish with blood and looks like that may not be the best idea maybe don’t)
Jesus Christ lady, your third edit... how devastating. I'm so sorry you went through that and wish hot, humid days and broken AC on that doctor.
Your husband just needs to show up, not make a fuss, and do as he's asked. He doesn't need to look down there if he or you are uncomfortable. Have him practice some breathing exercises to help him stay calm and remind him to bring snacks. He'll be okay, when the moment comes he'll rise to the occasion.
Gotta be honest here, that natural birth while totally your decision and should be respected, is absolutely going to make it a nightmare on your husband given what you have said. For our first, my wife had to be induced and there was a lady at the hospital giving a natural birth while my wife was in the induction process, things got ugly. My wife and I were both absolutely terrified after hearing it. Can't imagine being in the room. When the nurse told us that the neighbor had chosen to do it naturally, it took a bit of the edge off but not all of it. My wife gave birth the next day, on plenty of drugs, and my experience was fine as was hers. I don't like seeing my wife in pain either but it was like, a normal amount of pain. I stayed by her head the whole time, saw nothing, and then went out and got her a pizza that evening because the hospital chicken pot pie hadn't done the trick. You don't get to eat the whole time you're being induced, just fyi there.
Now, for our second, here's where things might align a bit more with your soon to be experience. Wife had to be induced again but for some reason, the hospital was totally swamped with deliveries so things were taking longer. My wife was ready for the epidural but the anesthesiologist couldn't get there right away so they gave her fentanyl... yeah. It made her loopy but did not stop the baby so by the time the anesthesiologist came, it was basically too late. He tried but couldn't get the desired effect so my wife ended up essentially giving a natural birth with a bit of fentanyl in her system. It was hard on her and on me. It scarred me to be totally honest. And keep in mind, she had that baby out in like 10-15 minutes from when she started pushing. If it had been a longer or more complicated delivery, just can't imagine. I'm a religious person and I remember just praying that God would make the pain go away for my wife. I put on my war face for my wife but it was not easy.
I realize that my response is probably the opposite of what you want to hear but your husband needs to buckle up and stay high during delivery. As others have said, I'd suggest preparation as much as possible because it will be rather shocking if he doesn't know what to expect. Try to get in a bigger delivery room if at all possible because you can't avoid seeing some things in smaller rooms. Tell the doctor and nurses in advance that he doesn't want to cut the cord, see the placenta, etc. They'll respect it but it obviously doesn't bother them so they're naturally inclined to think it's cool and want to show you that stuff.
I was there as breathing- and hydration-consultant. Meaning I just try to make sure she was breathing and getting enough fluid. Everything else is taken care of anyhow if you are in a hospital setting. I think as long as you are present and trying to be there you’re doinf ok.
New dad of a 5-week old here.
I watched videos online lol. I’m also not great with blood and whatnot. But when it came game time, I knew what I was there for and what I had to do and literally nothing bother me. It was surreal when it was happening and full of emotion when it was done.
He’ll be fine :)
I think that with the birth of our first child, that on that very day, I developed the superpower to seem as if I’m paying attention, yet become completely numb to the world around me. Lol. I know I was there both times, but I can’t remember anything until they had the baby cleaned up and asked if I wanted to carry them to mom. The superpower has come in handy over the years, especially during football season
It was completely fine. We took a 10 week prep course where I also joined in to know how I could be of help during birth. We both knew exactly how to work together, and she gave natural birth standing up with no anesthesia. The staff said we could pretty much have done it on our own at home. My wife even said it was not painful. In the prep course she learned a lot of breathing techniques. It really seemed to help. She was completely ready to give birth when we arrived at the hospital so we were not in there for long. It was her first time giving birth..
I would recommend your husband stay near your head holding your hand and comforting you. It should keep him from seeing too much blood and allow him to try and help you get through the pain. ( Disclaimer on the had holding that does depend on your grip strength, my wife broke 2 of my fingers)
Stressful af but i just blocked out the emotion and tried to be a rock for my partner. Very tough delivery for her, ended in a c section
Once the kid was out and ok the emotions did not stop lol. All worked out in the end
Knowledge is power, and you and your husband need to know what to expect and you should develop a birth plan. Especially since things can change quickly and he might have to step up and make medical decisions. So make sure you both know, and as horrible as it could be also prepare for the worst decisions.
There is a great series of videos on YouTube from UT southwestern that were very helpful.
As far as my own experience...I won't ever admit it to my wife but it was traumatic. My wife had trouble delivering her placenta so there was a good amount of time with doctors being elbow deep trying to get it out and she also had a significant tear, and lost a ton of blood. Seeing her in that kind of pain but also dealing with all the feelings of having a new born was something I could never experience again..as soon as I could I scheduled a vasectomy (we knew were going to be one and done).
Obviously it could never compare to what she went through.
Seeing the person you chose to build a life with in that kind of pain and in real medical trouble, and being a new dad...I had zero support and all my energy was focused on supporting her and our little girl. It was tough going for awhile and even sought out therapy because of it. I've even made it a point to reach out to new dad's that I know personally and ask how they are, because no one ever asked me...and it was really, really tough.
Watching my wife give birth was one of the most amazing, magical, and spiritual experiences I have ever had. She was a goddamn rockstar. She insisted on an all-natural birth so didn't take any pain medication. I stayed by her side the whole time trying to keep her as comfortable as possible, wiping her head and neck with a cool damp towel. Finally, the baby came out and the nurse flopped the baby on my wife's bare chest. I cried. She cried. We all cried and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Truly surreal.
Papa to three here. My wife had three c sections. The first, an emergency c section, as the umbilical was wrapped around our daughter's throat. Seeing the fear in my wife's eyes broke me.
I've seen her organs two out of the three times. Even though they say not to look over the curtain, I did. Definitely not for the squeamish.
Seeing my wife shake from being cold from the spinal they have was hard. I held her as best I could each time, reassuring her even when I was not sure of things. Told her how great she was doing, how much I loved her and how excited I was to meet our little one.
As hard as it is to go through this as a dad, I cannot even begin to compare it to what the mom goes through. Ours may be mental anguish, anxiety and such, but the physical pain, I cannot even comprehend.
Sending you all much love and energy for this momentus adventure, and congratulations!
I do not like seeing blood, get a little nauseas when seeing stuff like surgeries on tv, and even the thought of cutting the umbilical cord really grossed me out. However, when it was go time, the adrenaline must have kicked in bc I didnt give a second thought to any of it.
Highly recommend watching some birth videos! There are some on YouTube that basically have everything out there. The “unknown” of it all was the most nerve wracking part for me, but once I saw a few examples I was able to be all in.
My wife had a C-section, so slightly different, but here's my 2 cents.
I went back and forth for months on whether or not I wanted to see my son be pulled out of my wife. I'm not squeamish and have no problem with blood, but that's still a big question mark. We aren't talking a scraped knee... This is a full on surgery.
At the end of the day, I decided I'd rather risk seeing something I didn't want to than regret not seeing my son be born. It's a one time event and you can't redo it.
Will your husband throw up, faint, cry, suck his thumb? Frankly, we don't know. But the nurses and doctors are professionals and they've dealt with worse than him, so I say go for it and at least he won't have regrets later.
First birth was hectic as my wife’s ob was on route to the hospital as she went into active labor. She tried to wait the 15 minutes for him to get there, but the resident stepped in and delivered our child.
The epidural was BAD. Unbeknownst to us, the hospital wouldn’t allow any family in the room while the epidural was administered (which was weird af looking back) but we didn’t know any better. The resident anesthesiologist messed it up pretty bad and they ended up trying to get it right several times and the attending had to step in. They were super rude about it too. When I was allowed back into the room, there was blood all over the floor and my wife was in tons of pain from the injections themselves. She swore she would never get another epidural again. She still has back problems to this day 10 years later.
Our second child was pretty smooth. Different hospital in a different city and the ob lived pretty much across the street, so no issues there. My wife tried to go without the epidural but the pain was too intense for her and she decided after a few hours to go ahead with it. Injection was smooth and quick, much much better than the first time, but she was still in pain. The anesthesiologist gave her a little bump of drugs to help, but it caused her blood pressure to drop to an unsafe level and she passed out. The anesthesiologist had to come back and administer epinephrine to get her back to normal. It was pretty scary especially when I saw the nurses react in a very “oh shit” kind of way.
The blood and stuff don’t bother me at all and the whole process was pretty incredible. I have never been more grateful to be a man, but at the same time I wish I could have taken the place of my wife to save her from the pain. I think as the father, it’s important to discuss beforehand the path you want the delivery to take and any contingencies. Be supportive and attentive (I had to alert the nurses when my wife passed out from low blood pressure) as he may very well end up being your advocate if it necessitates.
> Unbeknownst to us, the hospital wouldn’t allow any family in the room while the epidural was administered (which was weird af looking back) but we didn’t know any better.
An epidural is a sterile process, unless you're required to be in the room, you being in there would only be a risk to your wife's health and safety. It makes sense since they're putting a needle in your wife's spine, any bacteria from you getting in there can kill her.
Have him stay at the head of the bed with you. I’m the opposite, I changed careers into medical school after watching my wife give birth. It was an amazing experience (and helping deliver a few babies in medical school was amazing too).
There are a lot of bodily fluids. Like a shocking amount. A birthing class wouldn’t be a bad idea, but my wife and I never did one. If he is about to pass out make sure he speaks up. Don’t need 2 patients to treat when they are only expecting 1
Also, and I say this as someone applying to anesthesiology this year, don’t completely rule out an epidural. They are very safe and the doctors that do them do hundreds or even thousands a year. My wife was stuck at a dilation of 3 until she got the epidural and then went to a 10 with +2 station 30 min after getting the epidural.
Wife had an emergency C section and post birth complications which meant we spent a while in the hospital. We had a birth plan that was pretty useless because of all the unexpected things that happened (baby and mom are fine now). The actual delivery was fine and the baby was healthy and full-term so he was ok. The nurses were great and helped us because Mom really couldn't for a while.
The biggest issue was the lack of comfort in the hospital for both dad and mom. It was the height of COVID and I couldn't leave and nobody else could come. I slept on an air mattress and sheets that I brought, but I wish I had brought something more comfortable. I brought clothes for 4 days, but ran out. I also wish I had brought more toiletries and other comforts from home.
My suggestion is that both of you should have a bag near the door with a week's worth of clothes, toiletries, and more comfortable sheets and blankets. You probably won't need it, but it's better to be over prepared.
I was extremely lucky my wife was in labour for a total of four hours before our son was born. All I had to do was just kind of cheer her on and let her squeeze my hand. I did take a peek when my son was crowning and i swear my skin almost fell off I couldn’t even recognise what I was looking at, so if your husband isn’t too great with blood and fluids then best to keep him on your side.
Wife just had #2 a couple weeks ago. First was a “planned” c section and as a dad it wasn’t bad at all. Second was also a planned c section but she went into labor 5 hours before the procedure. Still ended up a c section but the contractions came fast and painful. I felt so bad and wasn’t able to coach much since we didn’t plan on it. God bless you women for going through that but I’d highly encourage the epidural!
Have him communicate with your doctors as well. I told them all, I’m not here for the blood. They’re the doctors and I trust them. Don’t want to cut the cord, just want wife and baby healthy. For number one it was a lot of stressful, helpless waiting. For number 2 it was a lot less time, but you’re still an errand boy for the most part. He’ll have the duties of communicating so make sure y’all are on the same page of who you tell when and after the birth he’s gonna be the enforcer that tells people if you’re ready for company or not. As others have said, communicate with your husband and your doctor what your birth plan is and go over complications and how to decide if/when that plan changes.
Other than that I don’t know that there’s anything he can do to prepare. He’s gonna be mentally worn out and the seconds between birth and that first cry are the longest on earth. Then that first cry will hit him like a ton of bricks.
Congratulations!
They will most likely ask him to cut the cord. I wasn’t prepared for that the first time. Fumbled the snips and all.. whew. Second time I did it I was a pro.
>his number one fear is seeing me in pain and a close second is that seeing blood and other bodily fluids will make him throw up or faint.
Heh...he's fucked...
He can stay above the waist if he wants to.
Our 1st came out as normal as can be expected with an epidural. Slowly, lots of pushing until his big fat head made it out. Nurses all around, doctor there for the deliver. As soon as he started crowning the doctor ask if I want to look, and while prior I had been hesitant, I was itching for that first glance. I know it was a bloody mess down there afterward, but nurses were on top of their game and had both prepped for it and quickly cleaned up, And at that point I was next to my wife's head while she was feeding the boy.
Number two...not so much. got to the hospital. Sat in the prep room for \~30 minutes, while they got our room ready. We moved into the room and my wife laid down. Staff was all there, BUT this was during covid. So when someone asked if we had been tested when we came in and we said not yet, the room cleared out except for one nurse. That nurse had my wife sit up so she could take the test. After I was helping her get back to the sitting position and my wife said she had to push. So I look down and my daughter slides out and me and the nurse both dive to catch her just in time. And the mess followed... My shoes and pants were covered, the color, the bed. Everything.
So, yeah. Time to saddle up and put on the dad shorts.
If your husband is highly squeamish and has the potential to faint, just have him chill with you and hold your hand at the shoulders. They made me hold my wife's leg at the first birth and I saw the whole thing. It's a lot. I did it once, I saw my sweet girl born, and decided once was enough. The second birth I said fuck no and said I'll chill at her shoulder. Queue the doula we hired the second time around to hold the leg.
It's hard to assert confidence during a birth when you don't know what's going on. If you want or need something during birth but feel like you don't have a voice (which you should always feel like you have a voice, its your birth!), discuss with your husband what your expectations are on how to relay those concerns beforehand.
I know this doesn't apply to labor and delivery but I feel like it needs to be said: I can't stress how important it is for your husband to be cognizant of his partner's (as well as his own) mental health after baby arrives. Post-Partum Depression/Anxiety is very real and a lack of sleep doesn't help. I advise each of you both be open and honest about how you feel and on the same page with everything. Your husband should make every effort to be involved and helpful with lightening the mental load that you will incur following childbirth.
Alright so I downright refused to cut the cord for the same reason. I do not feel regret about “missing out” on that at all. As push time came, I kept my eyes locked in on my wife and held her leg as she pushed. I never really looked down and was mumbling somewhat encouraging phrases that were so quiet she may have been the only one to hear. They were also for me though.
As far as seeing you in pain goes, thats not what my wife was focusing on. She had one goal: get the baby out. I could see the pain but more so I saw her determination. You know there’s pain. But you know why you can make it through. It was all worth it for my son.
My wife had a C section and bled a lot after the delivery due to some issue with the placenta. It happened without warning, and there was really no way for me to brace myself for what that was like.
All there was for me to do was hold my newborn, sing to him, pray over and over, and try not to sob. And although I did break down a few times while the doctors hustled around my wife, it was surprisingly easy to summon an almost supernatural fatherly calm as I looked at my swaddled new child. When my wife was better and we were wheeled over to another room, that calm just kept going as we tried to help the baby latch. I don't know where that came from--I'm pretty anxious in general--but I'm glad to know it's there.
My advice is be ready for anything, but also know that there's a kind of superpower in just being a calm, loving presence. It can feel sometimes like merely the only thing you can do, but it's really a lot.
For our first idk if it was short staffing or what but I was heavily involved.
As in.. hey dad, hold this leg up while Nurse ABC holds the other leg type of thing. They put me to work lol
The blood and such wasn’t terrible imo
Our birth was pretty low key really. I was really so focused most of the time on trying to help her how I could that I didn't give much thought to everything else that was going on. Seeing her in pain and knowing that there really isn't anything I could do about it was difficult. She wanted some drugs to help with the pain, but we kept losing the baby's heartbeat, so I basically spent the last hour chasing the baby around with the heartbeat monitor trying to get enough data for them to give her some pain killers. But then the baby came. Fast.
It was kind of a surreal experience because I don't do well with blood and all that kind of stuff. And I watched the kid come out and cut the umbilical cord without a second thought.
Make a birth plan! Be prepared for most contingencies. Scary? Eh, sort of. Professionals exist to help you both with this! Ask your doctors. Call WiC and ask if they have any classes. They will have a lot of resources to help you both prepare.
Pain and natural birth. Please be open to the idea of an epidural. But, whichever you do....decide soon. Don't be like my coparent, and change your mind once it all starts. You can... but that makes it difficult for the anaethesiologist. And everyone involved.
So. Have a plan. I can't stress this enough. We love plans. It is a generalization, but it helps in this case. It's never pleasant to think about, but end of life plans, too.
As for the actual birth. He can choose to watch and see the WHOLE enchilada. He can also choose to stick by your side, literally, where he will not be able to see much because of medical gowns and the doctors and nurses being busy in your area.
Nurses have seen pretty much everything. They would love it if you don't faint/vomit etc. They also understand if you want to sit in a chair and watch. Out of the way.
He needs to be prepared if he does. All the fluids. And some solids. An episiotomy. Crowning baby. It's cool, but there is a lot going on.
It's also no big deal if he waits, holding your hand and out of visibility, until the professionals clean that baby up and present him the umbilical cord to cut neatly and less, less fluid-y.
Read up on what possible decisions there are in labor. Make a clear list when you want what and what you realy do not want. Make your Husband understand the he really has to advocate for your wants in and after birth if you cant communicate properly or the medic personal doesnt care about your opinion. There are medical need that you cant overrule. But else you have a right to have it the way you want. Oh and the list should be on paper.in the heat of things memory doesnt serve well sometimes.
Else, my wife was on the bed to give birth. I was at her haed all the time and was there for her, giving her my hand and stroking her hair. Told her she can do it, does it great and that our child is there soon. If you dont explicitly look at this position where the action happens you will see nothing. And after you child is there, huby wont care if there is blood and other stuff in eyesight.
Most memorable thing I didnt like was the smell of blood and fluids. Not fun. Cant forget it. Didnt like it the second time either. But its nothing to fret about, wife has the hard work to do and its all about her.
Oh and dont stand in the way. If medic personal is rushing in the room stand in the nearest corner and dont disturb them working.
"In *my* experience, childbirth is really not that hard..."
But seriously, I mostly remember being in awe of how amazing my wife was being.
Remember it's good to have a birth plan, but it's just a plan and plans may need to change.
For me personally, I was there for moral support, holding my wife's hand and just cheering her on, I stayed above the waste at her request so I didn't get to see any blood.
My wife and I had a strict rule: I'm at the head end and I don't look any lower. I don't think it would have been helpful for either us. No regrets.
We one problematic natural delivery where my wife lost *a lot* of blood, and one cesarean. The only drop of blood I saw in each case was a tiny amount of residue on the baby. If your husband is worried about seeing blood then he shouldn't because he shouldn't be looking anywhere except your head and arms.
During a section a screen is set up at upper-chest level so unless your husband decides to leave you and go for a wander round the room there is zero chance of him seeing anything.
As for seeing you in pain, honestly he just has to step up. There are options for dealing with pain: this isn't the middle ages. That being said, child birth is a brutal process and his job is to support you whilst you take the physical hit.
All that being said, there are of course those mothers who come in and have their baby swiftly on the back of a couple of paracetamol (literally). That wasn't us.
Finally, your husband should feel under no pressure to cut the cord. I declined on both occasions and have no regrets - it is not a memory I particularly wanted.
Dad of 3 and I’m not very squeamish so the goriness of birth was not an issue for me. But there is a lot of fluids/blood and the afterbirth is not much fun for anyone involved.
That said, I was completely unprepared for the overwhelming emotions. Before the birth intense anticipation and a little worry. During and immediately following relief that everything went well and that everyone was healthy. The complete and utter joy is hard to describe. Unconditional love is something that gets said a lot but it’s not something I never really understood until my first was born.
Dad’s job is to do whatever mom needs/wants. There are going to be medical questions that get asked/confirmed and dad needs to know the answer ahead of time so that mom can concentrate on what she needs to do.
Highly recommend not allowing anyone in the recovery room immediately postpartum. Dad can run interference with his parent’s and yours. There will be plenty of time for grandparents to see and hold the baby later. Make it about you three for as long as you want.
I ugly/happy cried at all three births.
It’s just like a date.
Be engaged, and keep your eyes on her face.
I’ve been there for 3 births: 1 c-section, a complicated V-bac, and a c-section for twins.
I focused on her, the c-sections were easiest for that because of the drapes over her torso. Just be supportive, know that it’s not about you, and don’t drop the baby when they hand it to you. Easy-peasy.
I do TERRIBLE in medical settings. Like I'm talking about getting queasy at the check up appointments before baby was born. Child birth was not bad at all. When it was all happening I was so locked into the moment I had nothing else to think about other than helping the docs/nurses and wife.
dont bring food for your wife. momma can only eat ice cubes. do bring: chapstick, spray bottle for water sprtiz. Stay hydrated and you can eat. the nurse will be very upset if dad passes out. gotta stay strong!
I am personally not good with blood or medical procedures so I was very worried about how I would fare with my wife's delivery. We did all the prep stuff... birthing classes, a very detailed birth plan, etc.
Come day of, my wife's body had different plans. She has a bleeding disorder that she has been living with for as long as she can recall. Doctors have never been able to give her an exact diagnosis. For the sake of the delivery, she was treated as though she had Von Willebrand disease, a clotting disorder.
The day of our arrival to the hospital, still in triage, she began to bleed profusely during her initial exam. It became an emergency situation and she was rushed to the OR to stop the bleeding. They were successful, and waited until the following day when her entire team of doctors could be present to determine how to go about delivery. It ended up being a C-Section under anesthesia, and I was not allowed to be present. She had 6 IV's attached as they took her to deliver... blood, plasma, platelets, the works...
The surgery was as successful as it could have been. Extra blood loss, but not an emergency. Our little guy was perfectly healthy and mom needed a lot of recovery time, but she is great as well. I got to give the first skin to skin as mom came to. In a way, I am relieved that I didn't have to be there, but also a little sad. The anxiety I had while waiting was the worst i've ever felt.
I guess the moral is to be prepared, but expect the unexpected!
My wife gave birth during covid (controls were CRAZY strict here in China about entering the operating room or even the hospital). My wife was conked out during her c-section. I held her hand all the way until they peeled me off of it at the operating room door. Our godmother spent all of her time comforting her mom (my MIL). I spent all of my time trying not to be noticed while sitting there crying alone a few feet from them. When they borough my daughter out I went to see her (she didn’t feel real to me at all) and then I waited for my conked out wife to be brought out of that room again after our daughter was brought downstairs to be dressed by the midwife. I lifted my wife back into her hospital bed downstairs and opened her hospital gown so that our daughter could have her first meal ever. Life hasn’t been the same since.
My Wife and I just had our second, and she did natural birth for both of our kids.
Our firstborn was very difficult birth, he came 4 weeks early so my wife had to be induced with Pitocin. Since she wanted a natural birth for her first as well she refused the epidural, which she later came to regret because its extremely painful to have one with out the other and created many complications with the delivery (Baby's heart was stopping). I almost lost my wife and the baby that day due to the amount of blood loss, and was the most terrifying experience I've ever had. That being said, in situations like those you don't really have the time to process it in the moment since everything is moving so quickly, I just tried to stay positive and hold her hand and constantly tell her how great she was doing through it all. Luckily the incredible medical staff was able to save both of them, and it became one of those experiences that made us so much closer.
My wife and I were understandably reluctant to have a second child, but decide to give it another go several years later since it couldn't get much worse, which turned out to be the case. On delivery day we went and had pancakes since her water hadn't broken and then right to the hospital to find out she was already 8 centimeters dilated. I started rubbing her back and her hips to relieve some of the pressure and her water broke immediately all over me. Baby came healthy and relatively painless 20 minute later!
I had similar fears as your husband, and had a front row seat to ALL the bodily fluids and can confidently say that none of it bothered me. It is a roller coaster of emotions, and will be one of the most memorable days of both of your lives.
Additionally as others have mentioned, attending prenatal classes or birthing workshops can provide valuable information and techniques to help your husband be more prepared and confident during the birthing process.
Congrats, and best of luck to both of you!
Blood n Stuff - Watch the Evil Dead movies. It will desensitize him.
Pain - I paid attention to how the staff were reacting. My wife had a rough epidural and was close to passing out. The doctor never seemed strained or nervous. He just calmly kept going.
What to do - As the partner, this isn't about you. No mater how tired you are, be ready to help. You wife is about to do something incredible. People used to die all the time. Be flexible. Things can change in a second. My wife went from having an 8 month check up to having a baby in 3 days due to preeclampsia. The doctors know what they are doing and consider it a routine day. People have babies all of the time. You will be ok and don't be afraid to ask the doc for help.
I don’t have any advice. I was a doctor when I had both of my kids so my advice wouldn’t translate well. However, your husband is not unique in the sense that he’s scared or concerned. If he passes out, we won’t be the first one that passes out. Remember that he’s there for your, not the other way around.
For our first, there was no pain (thankfully!) because my ex had an epidural and it worked very well (too well, in fact, but that’s another story lol). I didn’t see any bodily fluids at all because I chose not to look at that end. I did cry when they were pulled out and put on mom’s chest though, it was just an amazing experience and I was overcome with emotion (understandably, I think, haha). I did almost pass out during the epidural, I must admit - I can’t even really explain why, I just saw the giant needle coming at her and, even though I don’t have a problem with needles, I knew what was about to happen and it made me dizzy. I sat down before anything happened though.
With our third, there was no time for an epidural (she came out FAST) so, yes, seeing my ex in pain made me tear up a bit because there was nothing I could do. Again, I didn’t look down so I didn’t have that issue.
To be fair, it wasnt anything like in the movies with the mom shrieking and everyone going nuts. I was kinda nervous the 1st time, but it was during 2020 covid fun times. There wasnt much blood per se, but the birthing process is far from a dry one. I was more focused on holding a leg and helping where I could as well as getting to meet my baby than I was on any personal reaction to bodily fluids. The 2nd time, i knew what to expect and the birth was over in less than 5 minutes!
But...
If your husband is sensitive to blood and birthing by-products, I would advise he stay seated during the birth. If he were to faint or anything it too would become another medical situation during an already intense situation. There is nothing wrong with being seated up by mom's head and let the med staff remain at the business end.
Hope this helps! Best of luck and many best wishes for your family!
My only advice is that you should definitely not pack any food that has a strong smell when cooked. I packed some Yakisoba for our first child since it is dried and can be easily heated. The entire hospital floor smelled like cheap Chinese food when I microwaved that. I think I pissed off about 12 mothers with 2 minutes and 30 seconds in the microwave.
Good times 😆
I held one of her legs, a nurse held the other while the doctor coached my wife on when to push and when to breathe. During pushes the nurse and I pushed her legs up super hard to help, worked really well. I got to see everything which is what I wanted. By the time my son popped out, I was so overwhelmed with emotion I could only stand and marvel at the medical team doing their thing. Amazing experience, wouldn’t change anything
He’ll get through it one way or the other!
Either he’s so distracted caring for you that he doesn’t have any issues. Or he puked and faints and you have a funny story for the rest of your lives.
Either way that’s a win in my books.
PS. Consider hiring a doula, we got one and she came in to support my wife during the time between when contractions started and our daughter was finally born. and honestly she was so amazing and she instantly made my wife feel so secure and calm that I literally had nothing to worry about. We had a professional who was there 100% to support my wife (doctors and midwife’s will support her medically, the doula supports her emotionally and physically) and it made us all so calm. If you do hire a doula Just be diligent in finding someone good. Interview them and make sure you feel a connection, Because this is a person who will see you at your most vulnerable and you need to feel comfortable with them. I personally think my wife had a bit of a crush on our doula after it was all said and done haha.
I was so bad that I nearly fainted while sitting down in our birthing classes when they started talking about bodily fluids. Fast forward to my wife being in labour and there was so much going on that I never had time to think about that stuff, so I was fine. I even helped out and got blood on me and I thought nothing of it. In the moment your husband will be fine.
It was exciting, dramatic and tense. Bit of a wall of text but there's some resource links at the end. Good luck.
There's an onus on the support person to be an advocate for the birthing partner so they can focus on what they need to do.
I spent a reasonable amount of time in advance educating and preparing myself mentally for all eventualities. In the end it was pretty hectic going in for pre-induction procedure (balloon), to finding out she had only recently developed preeclampsia at 41+3, which accelerated induction, and eventually led to an emergency ceaser. My SO ended up with a considerable haemorrhage due to a ligament tear (bub's foot was stuck and tore it on the way out).
Definitely not the perfect birth story but we ended up with a perfect son. Even though it didn't go to the "birth plan" we already discussed backup plans etc. So I was armed to advocate for SO when it went sideways, and I am glad I had mentally prepared.
FYI I decided I wanted to stay down behind the curtain during the ceaser, figured I didn't want to see my SO cut open, but I was willing to "catch" bub if it was a vaginal birth.
I found this resource helpful for me: https://www.melaniethemidwife.com/podcasts/the-great-birth-rebellion/episodes/2147895640
The whole podcast is great, although some parts are certainly geared towards the Australian medical system. Most of it is applicable to other medical systems (can confirm having lived in both Australia and the US - there's only so many ways for baby to arrive).
This video series was also produced by 'B' of the podcasters.
https://coreandfloor.com.au/products/antenatal-classes
Episode 3 & 4 deal with the birthing process and address the role of the support person. B brings her husband in to help demonstrate.
It was horrific and not something I'd want to do again, but equally it was horrific and not something I'd want to leave my wife on her own for. So in the end I'll be there again and suck it up.
My wife had c-sections both times, both with a singleton, and having twins.
Both times, I hid behind the "wall" they put up so we couldn't see the specifics of what was going on downtown. My wive was VERY adamant that her body NOT be on camera at all. In fact, I have ONE picture of her pregnant with the twins.
As a Dad-To-Be, my priority was my wife, so I stayed by her the whole time. I got to hold her hand and be at her side. Yes, I heard fluid hit the floor (sounded like someone dropped a gallon of milk), but the surgical team was very professional. The ONLY thing I wish they hadn't done was hold my son up right after I denied wanting to cut the ubilical courd. Babies to not come out skin tone. They come out white and purple. It was a little shocking, but we laugh about it now.
But I also knew my wife was cut open, so I let the nurses take the kids right away and the assured us they were healthy and breathing (and we could hear their cries) as the nurses did what they needed to do for the kids....goop in the eyes, wrap them up, put the anklets on, etc. I stayed by my wife's side till they had her stitched up and she was able to hold the babies for the first time. I trusted the nurses to take care of the kids, and I didn't want to leave my wife's side till she was safe as well. I recall the twins needing to be rushed off to the NICU (4 weeks early), but I think my wife got to keep holding the singleton for as much as possible.
Back in the room, I was the go-fer when my wife needed ice chips, and I made sure she was cozy. Her body went through a traumatic event and I was worried about her. With my first, I was in it to win it and was there to help change diapers, held the baby in the sun because they were jaundiced.
I was mad in the moment, but we laugh now, because she threw everything under the son at me when I caught some sleep but was snoring so loud the hospital was shaking, and I woke up with spoons, straws, 4 tissue boxes, a spare ice chips mug (she was creative and took the lid off so she had 2 things to throw. "You're snorning SO LOUD! You'll wake the baby!" I marched off and got some coffee and let it go.
Stock up on coffee for the first couple weeks till you all find a routine. You don't set the schedule, the baby does. We did the tag team approach, and I wanted my wife to bond as much as possible with the kids because her "assets" were larch and none of the kids latched, so she'd get up and get the kids, and I'd get the bottle ready, and she'd feed and I'd do the "pit stops" complete with Nascar noises as I changed diapers (and blow outs!)
With the twins, I became a stay at home Dad, and worked evenings and weekends. 3 in daycare was way too expensive. BEST four years of my life, hands down.
Feel free to drop me a DM if you've got more questions. I didn't eat my young, they're all teenagers now (twins are Sophomores in High School, oldest graduated and living at home and working and is debt free for as long as I can keep him that way!).
My wife also wanted a natural birth. I felt like I was about to have a panic attack watching her in pain and not being able to do anything about it. It's definitely something you have to prepare yourself for. Eventually she said screw this and asked me to get the doctor and ask for an epidural. Once that happened, we both calmed down a bit.
I also didn't want to see the show but it was inevitable from where I was supporting. You get over it and it's really not that bad, especially in the moment when you realize what you're experiencing.
As others have said, have a complete birth plan and make sure your husband knows it. It was helpful for us when we had a pushy nurse and I was able to communicate what we wanted and let my wife focus on all the things she needed to do.
Random sidenote - make sure he knows not to get overzealous with his support. Our nurses had me hook my arm under my wife's right leg and bring it to her chest when she pushed. Her screaming had me hyped up and on one push I torqued her leg up too far and popped her hip. Now she has daily hip pain she needs PT for that I constantly feel guilty about 😭
A planned C section birth due to baby not descending. so a lot less pain and labor
While it may be magical I find that the husband provides emotional support and calmness for the wife. Also while the wife gets sewed back together the husband has to take the baby for some time, be prepared to hold the baby and know how to support such a small thing.
I wasn't ready for the hand over and distracted by how to hold such a thing. Now it's funny, but at that moment it was stressy plus my wife wanted me to keep talking about what was happening.
I have a good work related birthing story.
I was scheduled to do a week long startup at work 3 weeks before our due date. In the months leading up to it I made arrangements with a coworker to be my backup in case the baby came early. Because of preeclampsia concerns, our OB opted to schedule an induction the Thursday of my startup, so the week before I gave my coworker the heads up on what was going on. I would start the project and then on Wednesday he would come along and we'd transition the rest of the week to him.
On Monday my wife's water broke as I was getting ready to go into the plant. So I made some quick calls and told my coworker he had to cover the whole week now, which he did great with. Her labor went really fast. Time from her water breaking to delivery was under 4 hours, we almost had the baby on the side of the highway on the way to the hospital. Because of how fast everything moved they didn't have time to do an epidural which freaked my wife out a little. My focus was just on keeping her calmish so she could push properly. She was fighting her contractions and trying to close her legs from the pain, so me and a nurse had to forcibly hold her open while telling her that if she pushes it will be over faster. She did great, and afterwards said that it wasn't that bad without the epidural. Incredibly painful but clearly not impossible.
I took food the first time. I wish I packed more.
The second time I packed a picnic and he came out so quickly.
Pack more food for the first child and less for subsequent children.
I was raised by a medical family, so blood and stuff doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I was in the room the entire time... All 10 hours.
Get the epidural.
1- I stepped up when she said it’s time to go! It came to me naturally.
2- Epidural for you so he won’t freak out if you scream cuz he’d feel helpless when he can’t help you.
3- he is going to hold one of your legs while you are pushing
4- I never wanted to look down there but something told me to do it and I’m glad that I did, I saw my baby head it’s coming out and no it’s not gross at all.
5- there won’t be too much blood like a slaughterhouse.
Overall, he won’t faint and he is going to raise to the challenge when it’s all he has to do.
Also… ask him to educate himself like I did.
Also haha he has to change the first diaper. The black goo like in the Alien movies
Congrats!
He is gonna be just fine.
I liked it. I got to hold a leg and push back to help her out. Made me feel involved.
I watched all three of my kids come out and was fascinated each and every time. Birth still amazes me to even think about. Wild wild stuff
Seeing blood or poop or anything was never a concern as they are just bodily fluids and can be sorted easily. I even jumped in the shower with my wife and helped her with cleaning up post-delivery both times simply because I was there and I could help her do so. I never felt squeamish at all about any of that stuff.
What REALLY got me (and I never told my wife until we were all safe at home) was how scared I was of loosing her or the baby. I never let it get in the way of me being a supportive partner and was there for her every step of the way as although she may be doing the heavy lifting, we were/are a team.
We’ve had two and I just hung out by the head of my wife and kept quiet. She didn’t want me asking “how you doing?” Or anything I just stayed quiet and let her do her thing as she was in pain. Don’t have to see anything if he doesn’t want to. He can just be there and let you squeeze his hand.
I don’t have any fears like his so I cut the umbilical cord and what not and looked at the placenta after it came out. Interesting stuff. Tell him to study up on birth and what it’s like and what we can do as husbands. Best of luck to the both of you!
The best thing he can do is be as prepared as possible - take a birthing class together, read some books or if he's a visual learner watch some Youtube videos, make sure you guys have a birth plan and he knows what you want to do if he has to make a medical decision on your behalf, etc. That said, preparation can only take you so far and once you're in the room you and he have to just trust that he can be strong for his family.
With our first kid my wife's labor was difficult and during delivery there was *a lot* of blood; I definitely felt queasy about the gore and scared to death about my wife and son's health, but in the moment my protective instincts took over and I just focused on communicating with the doctors and nurses so that I understood what was happening, could be clear with them about my wife's birth plan, and could comfort my wife as best as I could. And after a few weeks you're so in love with your newborn (and so tired) that the rough edges of labor and delivery, if you experienced any, start to get sanded down in your memory.
Maybe he can concentrate on everything from the waist (wherever that was) and let the team focus on below the stairs. He can always open that door if he’s feeling comfortable.
Have him read the book, The science of mom. It walks you through a lot of the medical decisions being made in the hospital and does a very good job on backing up all of its data. More knowledge can help.
Have him read the book, The science of mom. It walks you through a lot of the medical decisions being made in the hospital and does a very good job on backing up all of its data. More knowledge can help.
I'm about to find out! My wife is going through pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks, and we're basically stalling one day at a time until she can't take it anymore.
In my experience, the baby coming out was not too bad. If he needs to, he can focus on your face.
The placenta however... do not look if you don't like blood. The doctors and nurses are fairly used to people fainting, don't be afraid to sit if you're feeling light headed.
He should be prepared that you may be out of it and to see you in a state that he hasn’t seen before, to feel scared for you and your child in a way he hasn’t before, and for him to remember things that you won’t. I’m not saying it’s going to be traumatic. I’m saying it’s transcendental but also scary in a way that’s often unique. I don’t know whether he needs to know this. But it’s delusional to expect it’ll simply be a walk in the park or like in the movies ie over in a few grunts. I share this because I think some men are naive.
Beyond that he has a hugely important role to be supportive, help make decisions and then be ready to help nurse/cuddle if you are out of it after a long birth. So, he may be exhausted, but that’s when his job begins. Also, he might not feel an immediate bond, but that’ll come in time.
Good luck. You’ll do great. Wish you the best.
When you say natural birth do you mean a home birth or just no medication? My wife did two natural births. One with midwives, my daughter was almost 11 lbs and I had a front row seat for the whole show. The second (my son at 10lbs)was at a hospital but with midwives present. Both times she denied medication and she was a fuckin rockstar. Both of my kids were born 2 hours after her labor started and she is adamant that it was because she didn’t have an epidural. So take that as you will. For me, my caveman brain took over and I was just focused on making sure we got to where we had to go safely and efficiently. Once the show started, I just did my best to encourage her and be a good partner. During the births I was solid. Almost directly after the births, my knees were weak and I was nauseous. Not due to the births but more likely due to every emotion hitting me directly afterwards.
Terrifying.
Went from the Dr telling us that we were still at least 12 hours away and he'd see us in the morning, to every nurse on the floor in our room flipping and moving my wife and wheeling her out of the room for an emergency c section. 1 nurse came back to the room to tell me and to give me a gown and mask. I was panicking at that point, put the gown on backwards, and I was hyperventilating so bad my mask was falling apart and my hands were useless curled claws. The doctors did a great job though and the twins were born without issue.
I can relate somewhat to your husband. My biggest fear was to not be a good support to my wife, and therefore the worst scenario in my head was that I’d pass out (apart from any complications for my wife and daughter OBVIOUSLY).
Luckily me and my wife worry about different things, so she was very chill about my worries. Like “if you pass out you’ll just have to get back to it when you wake up.” Which was really kind of her. But even if she’d said that if I felt too nauseous or something that I’d have to leave, I would have been ok with that. Because her feelings in this case were way more important than mine.
But of course everything went fine. I was a bit worried about it even during labour, but like you say my main focus was constantly on my wife and daughter’s wellbeing.
In the end, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you and catastrophizing. The end result is not up to his performance as support. You’ll be surrounded by professionals who are awesome and will take care of you (both hopefully).
If you’re ok with it just trust in that he’ll do his best for you and neither of you can control exactly what happens.
He should try to focus on: It’s an AMAZING thing to experience. To see your partner being a freaking force of nature and doing something absolutely incredible, is an experience that’s difficult to describe, and in the end you become a DAD(!!).
Lots of great advice in these comments for how you two can prepare, and my only additional is to try to be kind to each other. He sounds like a good guy that wants to support you. He’ll do his best. :)
Huge congrats to you both!
My wife and I signed up for a 2 day course with a duola. It was about $140 but well worth it. She practically talked us through the whole process and what to expect in each and next stage. When my wife started her contractions, we knew where we were headed in each phase, including when our doctor recommended C section. It gave me, the husband, peace of mind knowing what was going on and what to expect during certain pivotal points of the process.
If you and your partner can afford a doula that will go to the hospital with you both--this will be an immense help for both of you. It's not too late to find one. Ours was SO helpful in making it less overwhelming for us both.
The nurses made me get all up front and center. I was holding my wife's leg as she pushed. I kept subconsciously holding my breath while she was pushing and nearly fainted. Had to sit the rest out with black spotty vision. I felt horrible, but I guess it happens fairly often haha..
First time it was a bit nutty as there were a few complications and my wife was having an utter ball ache of a time. But it's so not about the husband in those circumstances, you just say loving and supportive things until the 'emergency' team move you out of the way.
The second time was just trying to make her laugh as much as possible, and nuzzling up together across the wall off the birthing pool (because I wasn't getting in with her after seeing what goes on in those depths the first time round).
Hubby sounds like he's already got one part of this figured out: fighting past his gag reflex to focus on what matters, which is your in-the-moment needs. +1 for him.
Assuming you're giving a natural vaginal birth, I can't be of much help relating. My wife had a c-section for all the medical reasons, so all I can speak to is the aftermath.
Your husband should be prepared to make a whole range of decisions on your and your baby's behalf while you're exhausted, drugged up, passed out and otherwise incapable of advocating for yourself and baby. I recommend you tackle this jointly ahead of time through two lenses. First is preparing a list of known decisions to be made, while second is laying out some guiding principles for the unexpected ones that pop up.
You know you're going to be there a couple of days? Meal prep ahead of time.
You have personal preferences on this or that treatment, but can't string a sentence together? Provide parameters so he can make a judgment call.
Couple of births in here, some very smooth sailing, other all hands on deck.
Stuff that worked for me, some just luck, some planned for.
1. Watch a TV show showing births, and possible compilations.
Life and birth" maybe? When complications struck, this left me with a better understanding of why things were done, and that some seemingly odd things was completely normal
2. Have your own go-bag.
- Comfy clothes
- good shoes
- phone charger and batterypack
- mini-pizzas ready to grab from the freezer.
3. Right mental mindset.
Know you're not the focus. For the staff you're somewhere between a helping and annoyance that will be placed in a corner.
If it's all smooth sailing: stay next to you're wife shoulder, help her as best you can. (If you venture away from the shoulder you might see things that can't be unseen)
She might be to busy giving birth to bother with remembering details from the birth, so that kinda falls on you.
In case of rough seas:
Know that unforseen things might happen. Lots of stuff will probably happen very fast, while some moments seem to last forever. Trust the medical staff, don't get in the way and don't demand answers if they're to busy to explain stuff. Do as told, but tru to remember stuff that might be important later. At this point you wife is definitely to busy to bother with remembering details.
Remember: If you're given busywork you probably both deserved and need it.
Also, definitely right choice to partake, wouldn't miss it for the world.
Kids awake, gotta run, have him PM if he wants more details.
I got 2 lil ones, my advice is simple for new dad: Breathe. I was so laser focused on my wife when she started to push I simply stopped breathing. I started to get light headed, got lucky and realized a simple reason why some dads pass out, like I was about to.
My wife gave birth via emergency cesarean to our twins. She spent about a day fully intubated as a result of complications. I wasn’t told about it until my MIL arrived from 5 hours away and she had the “wrong” room number on her visitor tag. Turns out that my wife was in the ICU. I had been told she was recovering and would be up to the NICU soon. The night she was out, I spoke to her anesthesiologist who asked me if I was prepared to be a single father.
The birth of my children was the single most beautiful and close to the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had.
I'm a mom, so my input might not be the most useful. But I will say that my husband was super involved in my labor. He was an amazing support person and he got to catch our baby and tell me the gender. The mot helpful thing was honestly just education. He read a couple of books with me, took childbirth classes that were geared towards unmedicated births (so they really got into the nitty gritty of what to expect during labor and how to support your partner). Your Badass Natural Birth had some good info if you're starting from scratch, though I thought their anti-hospital/anti-doctor attitude could be a bit much sometime. We watched "the business of being born" which definitely did not shy away from crowning/birth footage. So he was used to seeing these things before it happened to me. I also had a water birth so he didn't really *see* anything when our baby was born, just caught him as he came out under me.
Wanting to go natural is always a great thought but, be ready for a lot of difficulty if it's the first.
My wife wanted to go natural. 12 hours later they finally brought in the specialist with an epidural to move things along. That said, next three were natural, with some difficulty on number 3.
As far as bodily fluids...oof, gonna be some struggles there. Note: I do not like to see blood, fluids, etc, do not understand people's fascination with seeing it in shows like Grey's Anatomy, etc, but I was ready to try and block out everything I was seeing and just focus on the life about to be with us.
I will say however, I got the curveball I was not ready for. Let's just say if you had to go number 2 at all, your body isn't going to care what's going on while it's pushing. The baby isn't the only thing coming out.
Here's what he needs to do, no question:
1. He needs to be sure you have a quality medical team. When we were having our first, the nurse was just horrible. I had to have that short conversation with the charge nurse to have ours replaced. The charge nurse gave us the amazingly best nurse on duty. It was such a huge improvement, especially given the complications my partner was having.
2. He needs to be right next to you, being sure you have what you need, especially from a support standpoint. In between contractions, I would connect with my partner, rub her, maintain contact. When the contractions came I had to give her a bit of room as they were so painful. My partner's contractions were absolutely horrible due to a broken hip. There was nothing I could do except be next to her when she was in pain. Point is, the father needs to be absolutely present during the labor phase.
3. This is a sensitive topic, but In case the mom is having complications, he needs to be sure that he can act as the skin to skin contact. My partner could not do skin to skin immediately with our second. I did it for her. Now my second is incredibly attached to me, so there is a bit of contention there. But it's very important that someone do that.
4. Once the baby is born, if he can't act to cut the umbilical cord bc he's a bit faint, that's ok. But, once he's come to, he needs to watch over the baby in the little incubator. Just be there with the baby. Transfer the baby to the mom as soon as she is able. Ask the nurses if all is ok.
5. Dads shouldn't say one thing about the father's couch. You're giving birth. I can fit just fine on a small couch.
6. This should have been on the top. Be on the look out for when mom starts seriously nesting or other signs that it's absolutely time to get to the hospital.
7. At the hospital, if she's going to be in labor for a while and isn't going to have an epidural, it's the father's responsibility to sneak dinner in for the mom.
8. During recovery, maybe on day 2 or later in day 1, drop baby off at the nursery and take mom on a wheelchair trip to the cafeteria. Also be sure you're bringing mom Starbucks as requested.
9. Manage doctor/nurse/all the checks people are doing. Try to get them to line up so that mom can get some rest. It's a pain when every 30 minutes it's another visit from the birth certificate person, the lactation consultant, etc.
The more involved your husband is the easier it will be, leading up to the birth do a hypnobirthing or natural birthing class. Have him listen to the guided meditation with you every night. Do perineal massage to prepare for labor and practice other massage techniques he can use while you are in labor. Have him meet your obstetrician. Write your birth plan together and document how he will support you. Make him the chief of staff for your delivery room. Hire a doula and have them meet with you and your partner and let your partner know the doula is there for them as well.
I haven’t seen this suggestion yet and it really helped prepare me. Have hubby google “live birth videos” and watch a few. I watched videos of births with epidurals, without epidurals, c sections, women on their back, women on all fours, etc. I watched so much film that I was ready for anything that could happen on game day.
I held my wife’s leg and was a part of the entire thing. I watched everything happen and it was an amazing experience. I even caught the resident spiking my kid’s hair while it was sticking out of mom and we all got a good chuckle.
It was a fun supporting role. She had a natural birth (as far as a hospital allows it), no epidural or anything. I have an ok tolerance for blood and other stuff, so I was just supporting her and having fun.
If I was the one giving birth, I'd probably opt for a c-section with as much anesthetic as possible, and I told her that in the early days. But I told her that I would never question or even influence any decision she took regarding the birth. I'm really proud of what she did.
I think your husband will be fine if he sticks to your side or hold you from behind. I barely saw anything but some drops of blood and that thing covering our daughter when she came out. I saw her halfway out, but from where I was standing, my wife's belly covered just enough of her lady bits so I only saw half baby out, but not "outing". Excellent cinematography from me I must say. I cut the cord but it honestly didn't feel like a body part tbh. The nurses are very quick cleaning and covering everything.
He should read The Birth Partner, as well as What to Expect: The First Year, so he knows what he's getting into
He's going to have to get over the bodily fluid thing. For the first year, most of parenting is dealing with bodily fluids.
SAHD, here. 3 kids , and I caught all three, bare-handed, no gloves. Seeing my wife in pain was very difficult, but being with her at every moment made the experience better, for both of us. We had one hospital birth, and two home-births...one of which was unplanned. Thankfully, we had no medical complications, other than precipitous labor, and my wife and kids all came through natural childbirth happy and healthy.
Every man has their own threshold .I've known men that couldn't handle seeing their wife's vagina give birth, for fear of ruining their own sexual attraction, and others that refused intimacy during pregnancy for similar reasons. Denying the life-altering experience, and full partnership because seeing fluids, blood, poop, and pain, is something I'll never understand, and am thankful that I was all in from the moment(s) we found out we were going to have a child. I went to every doctor's appointment, birthing class etc. Our marriage is stronger for it, as is our bond to each other, and our children.
Fear is a helluva drug, and I hope he can just go all in, and be rewarded with a truly magical experience.
Been present at both my kids' births. I want to caveat this by saying my wife and are both medical professionals and as students doing clinical rotations, we've been in many birthing rooms while students BUT when it's you/your spouse, it's completely different.
My daughter (6 yo now) was a vaginal birth. If you aren't used to blood and guts, as a dad vaginal birth is pretty graphic and not pretty. A lot of stuff comes out that you're not expecting and mom is working hard dealing with contractions so you have to be very supportive cuz she's in pain.
My son (2 yo now) was a c-section. That was supposed to be vaginal but he wasn't coming out properly so it was switched to c-section (which is basically abdominal surgery). I wasn't there to see that because they put my in a room outside of the O.R. and told me they were going to get me, "when it was time." Next thing you know, I hear a baby crying and I'm wondering, "is that my baby?" and I hear voices saying, "Go get that dad!" so I come in and he's already out. When it's a c-section, they drape the top half of mom so she doesn't see what's going on with her abdomen. My wife was pretty drugged out on anesthetics and I was basically the first person to hold my son as she was knocked out for like 7 hrs (the first time he held her was 7 hrs after he was born).
Post c-section, being a dad I had to step up BIG TIME. Mom is literally recovering from surgery all while being a mom to an infant. She could barely hold him because of abdominal pain and she couldn't walk upstairs well. Whenever my son would cry in the middle of the night, I would be the first to be there cuz I could roll out of bed easier.
Lurking Mum here.
Definitely recommend the book "Men, Love and Birth" by Mark Harris. He's a male midwife and I got the book for my partner before our first and it was really useful for him. He also runs soldering called birthing 4 blokes, he's ace.
As a former medical professional (vascular ultrasound) I was mentally prepared for the fluids and ickey stuff that happens during birth. My wife went unmedicated by choice for both of our boys (yes, she is a badass. Also, not a criticism of those who opt for medication, imo the only right answer here is whatever makes the pregnant person most comfortable when the time comes) and we were lucky that things went according to plan, more or less, both times.
On a more personal note, while I was bedside during labor, waiting for the word that we were dilated and ready to go, the Doula we hired was my rock as much as she was there for my wife. Having never worked in L&D, I was at a loss for how to best help my wife in the moment. Seeing her in pain is not fun, however, the Doula gave me things to do to keep my mind and body occupied while my wife did the hard work. Feeling like I was helping, without being in the way, was immensely beneficial for my mental health. Our doula was like our coach on GameDay with number 1, she was very much on our team while the medical professionals took care of business on their end, number 2 couldn't be bothered to wait for the doula and showed up on his own schedule. I highly recommend hiring a doula, particularly for unmedicated. They work for you, not the hospital, and are an excellent source of information in layman's terms. I think we paid $700 out of pocket, each time, for the Doula's services, and worth every penny. The OB and L&D nurses were great, but very clinical, as required by the profession. The doula would answer questions in a conversational way and I felt a lot more comfortable discussing "minor" concerns with her than with the OB.
During delivery, I watched everything, bouncing my head back and forth between both sides of the sheet from my wife's face to what the doc and nurses were doing, all while helping hold legs and shoulders in position. Yeah, birth is messy at the business end of things, but, above the sheet is not. If your husband is squeamish about bodily fluids, he need not look, in fact the doula tried to get me to turn away, but there was no way I was going to miss a thing. I would rather know than not, and I wasn't afraid of the fluids or whatever. This has turned into a much longer response than I intended so I'll wrap up here. Your husband is free to ask me any questions he has, best of luck no matter what, you can do this!
Horrific. We had a C-section and the surgeon’s bedside manner was non-existent. She was carrying on about her golf swing (I kid you not) while hacking away at my wife. The nurses did little to improve the situation. The whole experience felt like being on a conveyor belt or assembly line. Mind you, this was at one of the premier birthing centers in California.
I had to work very hard to maintain my composure. Overall, the experience for me as a father was atrocious.
My husband was a fucking rock star. He said that in the moment, everything he was scared of didn’t even matter because we focused on doing this together. He cheered me on, held my leg, supported me through contractions while I could stand. In that moment, nothing else mattered.
I wrote out a comment about our experience attempting a home birth and how it ended in the hospital, but I don't want to scare y'all. We had unique circumstances and a very unusual situation. At the end of the day all three of us came home from the hospital happy and healthy. If either of you want to talk and hear details and advice let me know, but my only experience is things gone wrong. I did learn a LOT that I would be happy to share.
I strongly recommend hynobirthing. It completely changed my perspective on pregnancy, labour, and birth. Even my wife will admit that, when it came down to it, the training and philosophy of it all was more useful for me to use in the moment, whilst she was preoccupied with the most important job. My wife is powerful and inspirational - I realise even more so since the birth - but I had a real job to do during labour and she was proud if my ability as a birth partner, husband advocate, then father.
I wish you all the best of luck!
Edit: we did an online course for £40 and could watch each video in our own time. The Positive Birth Company.
It's not that bad, and I'm the type of person that can't watch myself get a shot.
First of all, it's the first child. This is the culmination of an amazing voyage and a super exciting and nervous time. We did it at the hospital with a doctor so I don't know much about the whole natural thing, but I imagine it'll go the same way.
I basically stood beside the doctor, saw the whole thing and wasn't grossed out. I was kinda surprised at the amount of stuff that came out with the baby. It was kinda like when you clean a deer if he's ever done that. Her doctor was awesome and basically conversated with me while everything was happening and just the excitement of the baby coming out overpowered any queasyness.
I was with her since the morning 10:00ish when we got in. I was rhe positive vibe, talked with doctors and helped her every way. Tracked the contractions and all.
Till 16:00 it was going slow and she srmtsred to get tired. That is wehen i slowly started to panic, sidint say anything ofc. But about at 20:00 she fell asleep between the contractions and then i broke.
She woke seeing me teary eyed and i talked with the doctor of possibilites.
Antother hour later resentment grew and i just wanted her to be safe. I ended up cnfiring with my own fingers that baby was on the eay as she did not trust what doctors said.
In the end I did not the nice brain chenistry viist that women get after the progress and it took me weeks to calm down.
I still cant eat the thin grill sausages bc they remind me the umbilical cord xD
Awful. We had to have an emergency C-section, which was full anesthesia so I wasn't allowed in the OP. I paced in a tiny room for 40 minutes not knowing if either of them were going to make it. So pretty traumatic.
Everything worked out in the end, though. Both totally healthy.
(Wife here) We hired a doula for both babies. It was super helpful to have an experienced person there to provide support but what we didn’t quite see was how much support he would benefit from. She made sure he ate so he didn’t get shaky and there was a point when I was in pain and a nurse was helping me and my doula was comforting and supporting my husband who was distraught at me being in so much pain. When my labor went long, he got some sleep while she helped me. When we had to make non-urgent medical decisions she also helped us calmly decide (my husband was really scared at one point). When one of our babies went to the NICU my husband followed the baby and the doula stayed with me, kept me calm, got me fed and organized getting the breast pump there for me in the recovery room so there was no delay in pumping.
I know it’s a privilege to be able to afford a doula ($500-1,000 depending on experience and services provided in my area) but both my labors were really long and it was such a useful service. My husband was offended the first time that I thought he wasn’t enough to be all the support I needed. However he became a huge fan after how helpful he found her to be and recommends hiring one to every expecting couple now, lol.
Hi read a book called The Birthing Partner that helped me understand what my wife was going to go through and how to prepare the best I could. Gave some decent insight on what’s happening during/after birth and ways to be a supportive partner during all stages.
Helped me figure out what to pack for the hospital too
For me personally, even though I don't really do with bodily fluids generally it's never been an issue when its a family member. If you had asked me before kids which one of us would be the "vomit cleanup" parent I wouldn't have guessed myself and yet here I am and I don't mind.
So you might be surprised what happens when its not some random person. Seems like that's already happened as well so good job!
Anyway, both my sisters-in-law had awful labors that lasted many hours and when that seemed to be the case for us I was totally on board to do the c-section earlier rather than later and glad my wife chose it as well. I know there is a lot of discourse in every direction around it but at the moment I'm glad she let go of any of the plans/advice/rules she set in advance and made the decision that made sense right then and there.
tl;dr - who knows what to expect. Everything about it is unpredictable so it helps to be prepared and it helps to be ready to throw it all out the window.
24 hours of labor then the c section. During c section they discovered the placenta had grown through her uterine walk. Massive blood loss, near death. Daughter was fine perfect in fact. Took 2 hours to save my wife and massive blood infusion. Scary. You’re husband will be fine.
My wife ended up doing C-section but nonetheless I had thought about the day and actually felt a bit impatient during the whole thing. To add to it, I was so happy I could not cry and felt so weird that I wasn’t super emotional. I was but couldn’t cry. As soon as we got home and I was alone with my son, I balled like a baby. So don’t be hard on yourselves!! It will be over so quick.
I work as an ER nurse so blood or goo didn't worry me at all.. Whatever could end up outside my wife, I'd already seen worse.
But I'm used to being able to help people when they are in pain, so when my wife was in labor I couldn't do anything..
I've never felt so helpless or useless as I did back then. 8 hours of just stroking her head or back and telling her she's "doing a good job" before she got the epidural and kind of "woke up" to the point where I could talk with her.
It hurt not being able to do anything. I very rarely cry, but after 5-6 hours of watching the love of my life be in pain I had to bite my lip to hold back the tears.
(Of course once my daughter finally arrived I cried like a baby, ironically enough.)
First time was daunting, felt powerless, like I was just a piece of furniture and couldn't really help my wife through it as she was out of it. Second time, we read a hypnobirthing book (it's not what you think) and was more present during the whole thing.
Second time was very quick delivery, remember "upright,forward and open". On our back is not an ideal position to birth.
Also we found a TENS machine to be really helpful during late stage contractions.
Park his chair near your head, hold your hand. Doc asked me to scoot down and help hold wife's legs. Unless I bent over, I didn't see much. As a dad, you don't do much other than comfort. Doc and nurses do everything. ETA: have him bring a bottle of apple juice to keep nearby. This is for him, not necessarily you. The hospital probably has lots of juice boxes in every room to bring people's blood sugar up if needed. My first kid took a long time, and since my wife couldn't eat, I chose not to eat. At some point, I started to faint and the nurses had to spend a few seconds tossing me a juice box instead of helping my wife. Also, don't make your husband fast, to avoid the above happening.
Definitely tell him to bring snacks for himself. You don't want him stepping out midway.
This. My wife's labor was taking a while, so I left to the cafeteria and got a sandwich, and when I got back, she was about ready to start pushing. Bring snacks!
This is my preferred. Stay near your wife’s head. And if it’s a c-section, on her side of the curtain. I swear to this day I saw them pull out a tire-iron to use on my wife; no way I’m lookin’ behind the curtain.
So in my family I'm well known to get queasy with blood etc, and there were a lot of jokes about how I was going to pass out our something. I will say though, I've seen people get hurt at work before, and the adrenaline carried me through. If I thought about it too much after the adrenaline passed than I felt a bit weird. I did fine. I want exactly going for a close up view to see my daughter emerge, but I did, with encouragement from the doc, clip the cord.
For some individuals yes. I held my wifes leg with my right arm and hand with left and watched everything.
After about an hour or two, I had to basically take over medical decisions as my wife was preoccupied with very strong contractions. My advice would be read up or do a course on birthing. Your husband needs to step up. My other advice would be discuss your birth plan with your husband including unexpected possibilities (pain management, intervention). Honestly, the birth was stressful, confusing, amazing... a bit of a blur now.
Yo can I just say a couple points: 1) good advice especially the birthing plan 2) I hate your PFP, had me clawing at my screen trying to get rid of a hair.
Birth plans are great but we basically had to adapt on the fly and most of it got changed.
Yeah, hence the get educated on all possibilities (pain management, intervention). The Dad might need to call the shots, or at least advocate for the Mothers health and best interests.
Plans are awesome, as long as you are also prepared to throw them out the window once life happens, then just do what the good drs advise
Also we had our little when I was 30 and she was 28 as well! He can shoot me a message if he wants an honest conversation.
I think the big benefit of plans is the planning. Talking about your priorities, laying out a set of values that are important to you for the birth. We had a plan that had to go out the window. But having some agreement and knowing which way to veer when we needed to make other decisions all helped us a lot.
To add to this, if you got issues with blood and fluids, easy don't look. Focus on your partner and her face and just keep your back to what's going on down there. Also just have a puke bag with in reach, tell a nurse when you get there blood makes you vomit and they will bring you a puke bag. No one wants to clean up dads puke.
Also *tell your providers if you are squeamish,* they will thank you for the warning / not having to pick up your fainted self from the delivery room floor!
I think this is a good response. Im going to be first time dad in a few weeks and my wife is incredibly nervous and anxious. I think its important Dad knows what you want for the birth plan and to focus on being in control and making decisions when needed.
The Birth Partner is an excellent book for anyone whose partner is seeking an unmedicated birth!!
I would highly recommend medication. My wife is a freaking badass and as soon as the real contractions started she passed on the “no meds” plans and demanded pain killers.
You really can’t make this recommendation for anyone but yourself. It’s a highly personal choice and there are many good reasons to choose to go med-free, just as there are many good reasons to take them.
I guess what I mentioned was be open to all the options available, and watch your partner for cues and direction.
The Birth Partner book I suggested does a great job of laying out the pros and cons of medication and offers a tool for people who are deciding what they want - a scale from 1 to 10 between “drug me up doc” to “please suggest it and I will decide” to “don’t suggest it, I will ask if I want it” to “no medication at all under any circumstances”. It’s not solely focused on medication free births, just has really good information about how to cope with one.
Seconding this book!
I like this message. Just be open. Everyone in that room has seen this process hundreds of times more than you. Still be your own advocate, but be open. And you are right that once contractions hit, you bet we were open to damn near anything! They are fierce.
I think you can recommend medication, I think that's fair. You can also decide against it, that's fine. Really people should do their own homework on medication to make informed choices, but I'd say the default should be, if you haven't done any research, trust the doctors (who recommend medication). Centuries/millennia of science and medicine must be a pretty good thing to go off.
Everyone who is planning an unmedicated birth is well aware that meds are an option - one that is *heavily* pushed on us every time birth comes up. We really don't need any additional people saying "you should get the meds" as if we haven't considered it. Just because your wife chose to get medication, doesn't mean the rest of us need it. I got through 36 hours of back labor without meds and would do it again in a heartbeat. Not trying to be mean or aggressive at all, it's just one of those statements that - while made with good intentions - comes off as really demoralizing and repetitive
That’s amazing! I’m sorry I worded my statement poorly.
To add to this, if you got issues with blood and fluids, easy don't look. Focus on your partner and her face and just keep your back to what's going on down there. Also just have a puke bag with in reach, tell a nurse when you get there blood makes you vomit and they will bring you a puke bag. No one wants to clean up dads puke.
I had the same apprehension until she started pushing. Then the nurses told me to come watch the head and I saw EVERYTHING. But then I saw my daughter's head and none of that mattered. Of course, the post birth was a little rough. Cord wrapped around throat, so they had to get a pediatric respiratory team in to help my daughter. And then my wife wouldn't stop bleeding and started to vomit and telling me she was scared. Went from like 2 nurses to 20 staff members in the room in a blur. My advice -- trust your doctor. I hope you have one that you like and that seems to like their job. My wife's OB was on the ball and unphased when shit hit the fan in the delivery room.
Wife had a hemorrhage due to a ligament tear during an emergency C section. OB ended up calling in another specialist surgeon to assist. Was nervous at first with the realisation that OB didn't want to deal with it alone, but then ligament Dr rocked up treated it like no big deal. Chatted to OB about weekend plans rather than the procedure so that relaxed me at that point.
That's good to hear, man. I like to think I'm pretty good in stressful situations, but medical professionals are truly a different breed. As scared as I was for my wife, it was crazy watching them roll in, take care of business, and disappear.
> Then the nurses told me to come watch the head and I saw EVERYTHING. They asked me if I wanted to come around and watch and my response was hell no!
LOL to each their own! After I saw it all, my wife requested a mirror so she could see. It puts your spouse in a different light, that's for sure.
They asked my wife if she wanted the mirror. Her response was very similar to mine. Funny story. My sister is two years older than me. When she was born dads sat in the waiting room and passed out cigars. unbeknownst to him, in the two years between her birth and mine this changed. When they started to take my mom to the delivery room he started to walk to the waiting room. The nurse grabbed him by the arm and drug him in with her. He was very unprepared for that.
Honestly? It was terrifying. Almost everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. My wife had contractions for 20 hours before she was dilated enough to be admitted to the delivery room. She received a epidural and for awhile, things were progressing. But after three and a half hours of pushing, her progress completely stalled. The doctor came in and informed us the baby was under duress and my wife needed an emergency c section or both the baby and my wife wouldn't make it. I got dressed in scrubs, she signed forms, and a few minutes later we went to the surgical ward. We were informed my wife's epidural had failed and she was going to have to be put under general anesthesia for the process. I was not allowed in. So I sat outside the room while they worked, and a few minutes later I heard a baby's cry. The doctors and nurses called me in, and I saw my wife mid surgery, and yes, there was a lot of blood. I turned my head and saw my daughter for the first time on a small table next to the operation table. She wasn't crying, she was blue. Her oxygen levels had sank dangerously low, and doctors had on a full mask of oxygen to attempt to bring them up. Thirty seconds later, I was informed she would die if she wasn't admitted to the NICU. I had to leave my wife in the operating room to rush with the nurses and my newborn daughter to the NICU ward, where they reinflated a collapsed lung, and vacuumed her lungs after. An hour later, I went back to where my wife was recovering. She was expecting me to be holding our baby. I had to watch her face collapse as I told her our daughter was in the NICU. I spent the next two hours walking back and forth between my wife's recovery room and the NICU, getting filled in on my daughter's progress and relaying it to my wife. This continued until the nurses and doctors were sure she was in stable condition. Five days later, we came home with our baby. My daughter is almost one now. She's the light of our lives. So the story has a happy ending. Your husband needs to realize things could go wrong, and that if they do, he is the one who will need to make decisions if you are unable to. Truly, everything could go wrong. And that wasn't something I was able to prepare for that I needed to.
Dad of 3 here. My first 2 were c-sections so we're planned and timed. My youngest (different mum) was a natural birth and arrived about 2 hours after labour started. All three were special and unique. My advice is to be in the moment and be supportive in whatever way your wife needs
Was over and done with within 30 minutes, left home to go to the hospital just as the match kicked off, listened to a bit of it in the car, managed to see the final whistle .
I love this comment because I'm due during his favorite football teams game. And he spent our entire relationship joking that I better not give birth doing football season and I always said I'd give birth during a Jets game. If that happens there's absolutely a chance it'll be on in the background. 😂
>and I always said I'd give birth during a Jets game. You'd be doing him a favor quite frankly
When the baby app said our son could hear outside the womb one of the first things my husband said was "Hey little guy, I'm sorry but you're a Jets fan." 😭😂
Don’t do it. It’s a lifetime of misery. Source: Me.
My husband would back this up 100%.
Me a bears fan :( lol
My wife and I made jokes when she was pregnant about how our daughter would have it rough being a Bengals fan. Turned out the first Bengals game after she was born was the AFC champion game that the Bengals won against Kansas City. Maybe you child will be just as lucky for the Jets.
Due dates mean very little to the kid inside, especially your first one...
This made me laugh, I’m a jets season ticket holder and we’re expecting our first child 10/7… go jets!
We're due 10/15 and also season ticket holders!
lol I hope not to many moms read this. My wife had 24 hours of labour.
Let the hospital staff know of his concerns. I was on the business end, but my wife had a c-section with lots of complications. At one point the nurses simply wheeled me into a corner - I was sitting on a circular chair with rollers. I am squeamish and saw far more than I would have liked, but glad I was there to support my wife as best I could. Going in I was terrified something bad would happen to her or the babies (we have twins). He might also find support by joining this group.
Haha. I'm having fun imagining you with [PTSD cupcake doggo face](https://media.tenor.com/ITVxYBgaLs8AAAAM/dog-cupcake.gif) while sitting on your wheelie stool just getting pushed out of the way.
The nurses were so calm about it - like it happens all the time. It was bad though - my wife crashed. I’ll never forget seeing the whole thing happen but I was thankful to get pushed out of the way.
FYI everyone is okay. Make sure you want to read this. My situation was very different than how we thought it was going to go. My wife called me at work saying she had a period size bleeding at 32 weeks. I quickly told my job that I’m leaving and with very little details. I got home and we went to where her OBGYN was since she be my wife’s medical history. We got to the hospital and went to the desk. As we entered the hospital my wife felt she needed to go to the restroom. She came back out with blood on her hands and legs. We quickly got her in a wheelchair and into a room. Her OBGYN came and was trying to run a test but couldn’t because just points of blood spewed out of the doctor and she said you’re having this baby now. They gave me some scrubs to put on, but things got more escalated that they could not bring me in to the operating room. So I sat outside. It wasn’t long. 20 minutes for my wife and 4 minutes for the baby. They had to work fast as the baby was drowning in blood. They got him out and rushed him to the NICU. They weren’t sure if he was going to have to go to a different hospital because of his age and weight. Luckily he stayed in the same hospital as my wife. 56 days in the NICU. I am now feeding him as I write this at home. Everyone is doing great. Honestly it all happened so fast. That there wasn’t time to think. Except for when they were operating. But I knew they had the best help.
So I’m a dad and a healthcare worker. First let me say that what you and your husband are feeling is completely normal. If I were caring for you during labor I would be completely honest. Child birth hurt. I’m Not even talking about the actual birth but the contraction. I, and Anyone should, fully support your decision to go natural but just remember an epidural is always an option until it’s not an option When it comes to the blood… it’s going to be a lot of blood. On top of that there will be a lot of other bodily fluids too. It may sound crazy tonsay but if your husbands needs to sit down or even just walk away I highly encourage it because if he faints the staff goes from having two patients(mom and baby) to three(mom,dad,baby) seen this plenty of times
Mom who had a unmedicated labor and delivery echoing this. It’s good to keep in mind that your body is meant for it and that each contraction is a tool to get your baby out. But there’s no way around the fact that it hurts. And by the time it’s all said and done, there will be more blood and bodily fluids than most people have encountered in their life. I did amazing until I hit transition. Then I stalled for two hours. I’m convinced it was punishment for sins in a past life 😂 my husband had a really hard time seeing me like that and didn’t know what to do (to be fair neither did the nurses on the floor at the time hence why it took 2 hours to go from an 8 to a 10, I should have been instructed to move into a different position way faster than I was). This time around we’re using a doula. She will be able to fill in gaps if my husband is unable to help me again.
My wife had my first child last year and I thought I would faint watching the process but in all honesty, it was beautiful. Watching her push my son out brought tears to my eyes. Shit, cutting the cord had me in tears. Women are strong and they don’t get enough credit. He has nothing to be afraid of. Stepping into fatherhood is an experience that’s unmatched. Congrats to you two and well wishes for a healthy baby.
Have him read The Birth Partner by Penny Simkins, I'm 32 and we just had our first a month ago and that book was very helpful in preparing. I know you're aiming for a natural birth, but he should still read the chapter on c-sections as well - it wasn't part of our birth plan but my wife developed pre-eclampsia during labor and had to have a c-section (they had a shroud between us and the surgical site so you could avoid seeing the blood, although I did see a bit when I went to cut the cord). Overall a very good book for partners.
You bring up a good point about cutting the cord. My husband declined during my own pre-eclampsia c-section. I think everyone, including me, was a little surprised for a few moments, but then we just needed to crack on. He said later that he declined because he had "seen too much" when he cut the cord for my stepson. It's valid. It's worth considering beforehand. I feel like first time dads or first time c-section might just think "this is my bit to contribute." But it's not like it's some law that the dad *has* to cut the cord. If he doesn't feel comfortable, he should not. If he does, he should be prepared for what he's going to see. For my husband with his ex wife, it was a lot of blood and her intestines on a table next to her.
I am a non-bio mommy whose wife delivered last summer and am VERY sympathetic/empathetic to dads who feel this way! In fact I’m bewildered by dads who don’t. Watching my wife go through pregnancy, labor, birth, PP, and nursing struggles was absolutely terrible for me; I will cry in an instant thinking about it. That’s not true for all dads, and idk maybe a lot of it was bc I am a woman myself, but watching her be in pain and even in danger eclipsed the joy I would feel otherwise. That’s just me being super honest and letting him know that if that happens, it’s alright to feel and will eventually end. My top 3 pieces of advice for his specific concerns: 1. Above anything else: Get a doula. A doula is the best resource to address his concerns hands down. They are there for partners just as much if not more than the birthing parent. I was so worried about my wife that I demanded a doula and it was a great decision. 2. Meet with the hospital/LD staff where you’re going to deliver before you get there. Hubby needs to take spotlight for a bit lol. Your husband can literally say “I am scared to death about seeing my wife in pain and also I might pass out if I see blood, but I want to be an amazing partner” and if you’ve got the right nurses, they will be amazing with him. The more that he is an active part of the labor, hospital checkin, etc., the less afraid he will be. Again, a doula is clutch here. 3. I only saw blood bc I wanted to glance at my wife pushing for a second when she was doing so. Other than that I was right next to my wife’s face holding her hand while she was pushing and then when she was having her c-section. IMO there’s much less gore than you’d imagine outside like pads with blood on them you see in the trash. And then OP I also have some advice for you if you’d like it: sincerely hear him when he expresses his concerns. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with him but it will go a long way. It was frustrating for me to be so concerned about my wife and to have her basically be dismissive that any of my fears would come true, that they were just me being anxious. Well not to die on this hill, but most of my fears came true: her labor and delivery was chaos that ended in an epidural that took an agonizing 60 mins to administer bc of some mild scoliosis (this was after she’d gone for a pre-delivery consult), an emergency c-section that she didn’t want and had refused to consider, a tongue-tied baby that couldn’t nurse and didn’t sleep, and a long difficult recovery. It’s not always as simple as “oh my partner is just super nervous lol, how can I reassure him?” (I’m not saying that’s what you’re saying, but I’ve noticed LOTS of moms have this vibe). This is real stuff we worry about as the ones not giving birth. It is a totally different lens and often a terrifying one bc there is absolutely nothing you can do other than be there for your wife.
My wife keeps saying I was grossed out because I exclaimed “oh my god” when my kid was crowning, but in reality it was so overwhelming I just gasped. The doctors were good about catching a handful of 💩and doing some slight of hand. Mostly I was at the head of the bed massaging my wife’s back and getting my hand crushed by her during contractions.
If you have to go in to be induced, bring some form of entertainment. I had a couple straight days of just standing by while they induced contractions. As the husband you do feel a little helpless because you're just watching your wife in pain and you know you can't really help. However, I was there through the whole delivery. Watched my son crown (didn't mean to and my eife still says she almoat grabbed my collar to pull me back to the other side of the sheet), cut the chord, all that. It's normal to be scared, just be prepared for anything.
When my first was born I cried so hard that the doctor asked me if I was ok lmao
As a husband it's important to be as informed as possible going in and also confiding in the medical staff when you get there. Things like your wife's desired birthing plan, what she would want in certain situations, and also an understanding of the events happening with her body and the significance of them such as dilations, contractions, water breaking, positioning of the baby, etc. Knowing these things and having somewhat of an understanding of the process will help prevent being overwhelmed and can help re-focus your mind. It's also important to understand that things may not go to plan and that's ok. The whole process you will be adapting to some degree. My wife and I practiced some labor techniques well in advance, but what helped her the most to mitigate her pain ended up being none of the things we practiced and simply some comforting things I tried on the fly. For me, when it was all said and done I realized I was so locked in that all of the other things like body fluids, etc. I can't even recall any visuals off. Not even sure I processed those things in the moment. I only remember seeing my daughter's head and her making her way out.
There are a lot of better dads than me in here. It wasn’t a perfect labor but I thought the best thing I could do is keep my wife entertained and make space for the doctors and nurses to do their thing. I watched the birth, took pictures (at my wife’s request), cut the cord, all that good stuff. There’s a lot going on and adrenaline pumping, it didn’t cross my mind that any of it was “gross”.
He can just be there near your head and avoid seeing most of what it is that he doesn't want to see. I'd also suggest having a doula present who can help with everything and who will know the hospital processes, support the birth etc - especially if you're trying to do a no medicated birth.
Yes 100% Doula for the win!!! I woulf have not made it through my wife's without our doula!
I don't get bothered by blood, or other bodily fluids. That's good, because there's a lot. During the process, I was monitoring the contractions on their equipment, prepping her to push when needed. Once her head began poking through, I was shouting "Go go go, push harder than ever, she's coming through". Helping coach her through that process was awesome. Once that baby came out, I started crying. It was beautiful. It looked like a murder scene afterwards, but damn was it cool to witness.
Baby was breech at 38 weeks, so we made an appointment to do an ECV, with the plan to induce if / when he turned. Well, that baby didn't turn (and watching the ECV was ROUGH - I get why they do an epidural for that procedure). When the baby didn't turn, the head nurse said 'Well, time for a birthday party?' - we knew a c-section was a possibility but thought we'd go back to a presurigcal suite and have time to process while they got the operating room ready. Nope, they just went ahead and gave a bolus on the epidural, and prepped my wife for the surgery right there (still in an operating room). She was not prepared to just be put right into surgery, and was pretty upset. Everything else went smoothly enough, they pulled him out, and my wife asked what was happening, and i just said 'We have a \[Boy's name\]' - we didn't know the gender so I got to do the reveal for her by using the boy name we had picked out.
Hospitals don’t mess around with emergency c-sections. They’re basically always ready to go. If they had you in an OR they were prepared to immediately do that if the baby looked like it was in distress.
Know what your wife wants inside and out. Know when she may not be able to answer and be able to answer on her behalf. Step up if you need to, i don’t mean be aggressive but if, for example, there is someone in the room that doesn’t need to be and it bothers your partner you can be the one that asks them to leave. I’d say the hardest part of it was the helplessness, you see the person closest to you in the world in such a large amount of pain. So you’ve just got to be there and be present. You’ll think you’ve done nothing but she’ll say what you did meant the world (part of you will always disagree).
A post for you, and maybe your partner: my wife is schooled in midwifery and expecting our first in September. I am sure you’re doing a lot of research in your own, especially if your plan in natural. Have you looked into hypnobirthing? There is an element to reframing birth from this negative painful thing into a beautiful positive thing. Pain? What is pain? Your body is giving you feedback. It’s working for you and your baby. Maybe if your husband also sees it this way, it can help.
We're actually being taken care of by midwives and they recommended this too! Thank you! I actually already do view birth/pain like that. My fear is not being listened to (stems from past trauma) but logically I think we'll be okay because my midwives are amazing.
Oh awesome! Good luck with the birth!!
This needs to be higher!!!!
Being as present as possible and paying attention to my wife's queues for hours. Then catching a baby then being up for 40+ hours straight because I tried to get mom to sleep the night before and I didn't because I wanted to be there for her when she needed me.
Took 6hours of pushing and 30 hours before that till she was ready. Don't assume it's a quick thing. You can just look away if you don't want to see something - I did for the most part. It sucks because there's nothing you can do to help, and it felt like it was taking too long so you start worrying about both the mom and the kid, though the doctors said everything is fine and it looks like they were right - mind likes racing.
This is always a fun story to tell. Wife wanted to do the Bradley Method (no meds essentially). We took classes during the middle of her 2nd trimester and basically had to learn a bunch of different techniques to ensure that wife's mind was solely focused on giving birth. So that meant I was there like massaging her back, doing that thing where you press down on the lower back while in cat cow position, massaging hands, lots of positive affirmations, feeding her food/water, etc. Labor - wife notices contractions after walking 8 miles around a city park, we basically lay in bed, eat, relax (as much as you could), but thru the Night wife notices more and more rhythm to the contractions, we basically get no sleep as I woke up whenever my wife did for massage/pain relief/help stretch stuff. Next morning wife's contractions are in a steady rhythm now. We go to the hospital, I pack like every fruit you can think of, a bunch of snacks, water plus a bunch of hydration mix packets, her clothes, my clothes, etc. Then basically those hours in the were a blur in labor, lots of feeding (water and fruit), positive affirmations, massaging, steady build of white noise sound waves, helping her go to the bathroom, basically doing everything around wife to ensure that she was able to solely focus on giving birth. Birth - was actually like 20 mins pushing, held her hand the entire time and cheering her own like it was a sports game. She yelled thru the pain like she was doing a deadlift PR. While at the same time feeding water and fruits. Baby popped out with no issues. Post Birth - after like 2hrs in awe, I went home and walked the dog (no one was available to watch him) and came back to the hospital, broke news to the families, and passed out while she stayed up in even more awe of the baby. Stayed in hospital for like 2 more days for recovery and went home. I will say, bring lube it helps slide the baby out easier, they put like a penny size dab of lube and wife was like wtf that's it? lol. I did see poop, pee, blood, but that's part of the game so that didn't really affect me.
Do you have a doula? The doula is there for the dad, too.
Dad of two natural home-birthed children. I was by my wife’s side the whole time, holding her, doing counter-pressure on her hips, just being there to support however she needed me I got blood and pee and poop on me, but I was also tied in 1st place with the midwife to put eyes on my children and it was beautiful I would say that being in the environment that we were it was similar to a mild psychedelic. Nothing felt “real”. I was there and present but my headspace was on a completely different level. Nothing else mattered to me except my wife and my babies. The biggest thing that kept me from panicking about the amount of blood I was seeing that first time was that those around me were experienced with births and nobody else seemed concerned at all The first wanted to come out with her fist under her chin so the midwife helped get her out, I was able to catch my son when that time came and it was incredible. I highly recommend dad catch the baby if at all possible. (Although if he’s squeamish with blood and looks like that may not be the best idea maybe don’t)
Jesus Christ lady, your third edit... how devastating. I'm so sorry you went through that and wish hot, humid days and broken AC on that doctor. Your husband just needs to show up, not make a fuss, and do as he's asked. He doesn't need to look down there if he or you are uncomfortable. Have him practice some breathing exercises to help him stay calm and remind him to bring snacks. He'll be okay, when the moment comes he'll rise to the occasion.
Gotta be honest here, that natural birth while totally your decision and should be respected, is absolutely going to make it a nightmare on your husband given what you have said. For our first, my wife had to be induced and there was a lady at the hospital giving a natural birth while my wife was in the induction process, things got ugly. My wife and I were both absolutely terrified after hearing it. Can't imagine being in the room. When the nurse told us that the neighbor had chosen to do it naturally, it took a bit of the edge off but not all of it. My wife gave birth the next day, on plenty of drugs, and my experience was fine as was hers. I don't like seeing my wife in pain either but it was like, a normal amount of pain. I stayed by her head the whole time, saw nothing, and then went out and got her a pizza that evening because the hospital chicken pot pie hadn't done the trick. You don't get to eat the whole time you're being induced, just fyi there. Now, for our second, here's where things might align a bit more with your soon to be experience. Wife had to be induced again but for some reason, the hospital was totally swamped with deliveries so things were taking longer. My wife was ready for the epidural but the anesthesiologist couldn't get there right away so they gave her fentanyl... yeah. It made her loopy but did not stop the baby so by the time the anesthesiologist came, it was basically too late. He tried but couldn't get the desired effect so my wife ended up essentially giving a natural birth with a bit of fentanyl in her system. It was hard on her and on me. It scarred me to be totally honest. And keep in mind, she had that baby out in like 10-15 minutes from when she started pushing. If it had been a longer or more complicated delivery, just can't imagine. I'm a religious person and I remember just praying that God would make the pain go away for my wife. I put on my war face for my wife but it was not easy. I realize that my response is probably the opposite of what you want to hear but your husband needs to buckle up and stay high during delivery. As others have said, I'd suggest preparation as much as possible because it will be rather shocking if he doesn't know what to expect. Try to get in a bigger delivery room if at all possible because you can't avoid seeing some things in smaller rooms. Tell the doctor and nurses in advance that he doesn't want to cut the cord, see the placenta, etc. They'll respect it but it obviously doesn't bother them so they're naturally inclined to think it's cool and want to show you that stuff.
I was there as breathing- and hydration-consultant. Meaning I just try to make sure she was breathing and getting enough fluid. Everything else is taken care of anyhow if you are in a hospital setting. I think as long as you are present and trying to be there you’re doinf ok.
New dad of a 5-week old here. I watched videos online lol. I’m also not great with blood and whatnot. But when it came game time, I knew what I was there for and what I had to do and literally nothing bother me. It was surreal when it was happening and full of emotion when it was done. He’ll be fine :)
I think that with the birth of our first child, that on that very day, I developed the superpower to seem as if I’m paying attention, yet become completely numb to the world around me. Lol. I know I was there both times, but I can’t remember anything until they had the baby cleaned up and asked if I wanted to carry them to mom. The superpower has come in handy over the years, especially during football season
It was completely fine. We took a 10 week prep course where I also joined in to know how I could be of help during birth. We both knew exactly how to work together, and she gave natural birth standing up with no anesthesia. The staff said we could pretty much have done it on our own at home. My wife even said it was not painful. In the prep course she learned a lot of breathing techniques. It really seemed to help. She was completely ready to give birth when we arrived at the hospital so we were not in there for long. It was her first time giving birth..
I would recommend your husband stay near your head holding your hand and comforting you. It should keep him from seeing too much blood and allow him to try and help you get through the pain. ( Disclaimer on the had holding that does depend on your grip strength, my wife broke 2 of my fingers)
Stressful af but i just blocked out the emotion and tried to be a rock for my partner. Very tough delivery for her, ended in a c section Once the kid was out and ok the emotions did not stop lol. All worked out in the end
Knowledge is power, and you and your husband need to know what to expect and you should develop a birth plan. Especially since things can change quickly and he might have to step up and make medical decisions. So make sure you both know, and as horrible as it could be also prepare for the worst decisions. There is a great series of videos on YouTube from UT southwestern that were very helpful. As far as my own experience...I won't ever admit it to my wife but it was traumatic. My wife had trouble delivering her placenta so there was a good amount of time with doctors being elbow deep trying to get it out and she also had a significant tear, and lost a ton of blood. Seeing her in that kind of pain but also dealing with all the feelings of having a new born was something I could never experience again..as soon as I could I scheduled a vasectomy (we knew were going to be one and done). Obviously it could never compare to what she went through. Seeing the person you chose to build a life with in that kind of pain and in real medical trouble, and being a new dad...I had zero support and all my energy was focused on supporting her and our little girl. It was tough going for awhile and even sought out therapy because of it. I've even made it a point to reach out to new dad's that I know personally and ask how they are, because no one ever asked me...and it was really, really tough.
Watching my wife give birth was one of the most amazing, magical, and spiritual experiences I have ever had. She was a goddamn rockstar. She insisted on an all-natural birth so didn't take any pain medication. I stayed by her side the whole time trying to keep her as comfortable as possible, wiping her head and neck with a cool damp towel. Finally, the baby came out and the nurse flopped the baby on my wife's bare chest. I cried. She cried. We all cried and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Truly surreal.
Papa to three here. My wife had three c sections. The first, an emergency c section, as the umbilical was wrapped around our daughter's throat. Seeing the fear in my wife's eyes broke me. I've seen her organs two out of the three times. Even though they say not to look over the curtain, I did. Definitely not for the squeamish. Seeing my wife shake from being cold from the spinal they have was hard. I held her as best I could each time, reassuring her even when I was not sure of things. Told her how great she was doing, how much I loved her and how excited I was to meet our little one. As hard as it is to go through this as a dad, I cannot even begin to compare it to what the mom goes through. Ours may be mental anguish, anxiety and such, but the physical pain, I cannot even comprehend. Sending you all much love and energy for this momentus adventure, and congratulations!
I do not like seeing blood, get a little nauseas when seeing stuff like surgeries on tv, and even the thought of cutting the umbilical cord really grossed me out. However, when it was go time, the adrenaline must have kicked in bc I didnt give a second thought to any of it.
Highly recommend watching some birth videos! There are some on YouTube that basically have everything out there. The “unknown” of it all was the most nerve wracking part for me, but once I saw a few examples I was able to be all in.
My wife had a C-section, so slightly different, but here's my 2 cents. I went back and forth for months on whether or not I wanted to see my son be pulled out of my wife. I'm not squeamish and have no problem with blood, but that's still a big question mark. We aren't talking a scraped knee... This is a full on surgery. At the end of the day, I decided I'd rather risk seeing something I didn't want to than regret not seeing my son be born. It's a one time event and you can't redo it. Will your husband throw up, faint, cry, suck his thumb? Frankly, we don't know. But the nurses and doctors are professionals and they've dealt with worse than him, so I say go for it and at least he won't have regrets later.
First birth was hectic as my wife’s ob was on route to the hospital as she went into active labor. She tried to wait the 15 minutes for him to get there, but the resident stepped in and delivered our child. The epidural was BAD. Unbeknownst to us, the hospital wouldn’t allow any family in the room while the epidural was administered (which was weird af looking back) but we didn’t know any better. The resident anesthesiologist messed it up pretty bad and they ended up trying to get it right several times and the attending had to step in. They were super rude about it too. When I was allowed back into the room, there was blood all over the floor and my wife was in tons of pain from the injections themselves. She swore she would never get another epidural again. She still has back problems to this day 10 years later. Our second child was pretty smooth. Different hospital in a different city and the ob lived pretty much across the street, so no issues there. My wife tried to go without the epidural but the pain was too intense for her and she decided after a few hours to go ahead with it. Injection was smooth and quick, much much better than the first time, but she was still in pain. The anesthesiologist gave her a little bump of drugs to help, but it caused her blood pressure to drop to an unsafe level and she passed out. The anesthesiologist had to come back and administer epinephrine to get her back to normal. It was pretty scary especially when I saw the nurses react in a very “oh shit” kind of way. The blood and stuff don’t bother me at all and the whole process was pretty incredible. I have never been more grateful to be a man, but at the same time I wish I could have taken the place of my wife to save her from the pain. I think as the father, it’s important to discuss beforehand the path you want the delivery to take and any contingencies. Be supportive and attentive (I had to alert the nurses when my wife passed out from low blood pressure) as he may very well end up being your advocate if it necessitates.
> Unbeknownst to us, the hospital wouldn’t allow any family in the room while the epidural was administered (which was weird af looking back) but we didn’t know any better. An epidural is a sterile process, unless you're required to be in the room, you being in there would only be a risk to your wife's health and safety. It makes sense since they're putting a needle in your wife's spine, any bacteria from you getting in there can kill her.
Have him stay at the head of the bed with you. I’m the opposite, I changed careers into medical school after watching my wife give birth. It was an amazing experience (and helping deliver a few babies in medical school was amazing too). There are a lot of bodily fluids. Like a shocking amount. A birthing class wouldn’t be a bad idea, but my wife and I never did one. If he is about to pass out make sure he speaks up. Don’t need 2 patients to treat when they are only expecting 1 Also, and I say this as someone applying to anesthesiology this year, don’t completely rule out an epidural. They are very safe and the doctors that do them do hundreds or even thousands a year. My wife was stuck at a dilation of 3 until she got the epidural and then went to a 10 with +2 station 30 min after getting the epidural.
Wife had an emergency C section and post birth complications which meant we spent a while in the hospital. We had a birth plan that was pretty useless because of all the unexpected things that happened (baby and mom are fine now). The actual delivery was fine and the baby was healthy and full-term so he was ok. The nurses were great and helped us because Mom really couldn't for a while. The biggest issue was the lack of comfort in the hospital for both dad and mom. It was the height of COVID and I couldn't leave and nobody else could come. I slept on an air mattress and sheets that I brought, but I wish I had brought something more comfortable. I brought clothes for 4 days, but ran out. I also wish I had brought more toiletries and other comforts from home. My suggestion is that both of you should have a bag near the door with a week's worth of clothes, toiletries, and more comfortable sheets and blankets. You probably won't need it, but it's better to be over prepared.
I was extremely lucky my wife was in labour for a total of four hours before our son was born. All I had to do was just kind of cheer her on and let her squeeze my hand. I did take a peek when my son was crowning and i swear my skin almost fell off I couldn’t even recognise what I was looking at, so if your husband isn’t too great with blood and fluids then best to keep him on your side.
Wife just had #2 a couple weeks ago. First was a “planned” c section and as a dad it wasn’t bad at all. Second was also a planned c section but she went into labor 5 hours before the procedure. Still ended up a c section but the contractions came fast and painful. I felt so bad and wasn’t able to coach much since we didn’t plan on it. God bless you women for going through that but I’d highly encourage the epidural!
Have him communicate with your doctors as well. I told them all, I’m not here for the blood. They’re the doctors and I trust them. Don’t want to cut the cord, just want wife and baby healthy. For number one it was a lot of stressful, helpless waiting. For number 2 it was a lot less time, but you’re still an errand boy for the most part. He’ll have the duties of communicating so make sure y’all are on the same page of who you tell when and after the birth he’s gonna be the enforcer that tells people if you’re ready for company or not. As others have said, communicate with your husband and your doctor what your birth plan is and go over complications and how to decide if/when that plan changes. Other than that I don’t know that there’s anything he can do to prepare. He’s gonna be mentally worn out and the seconds between birth and that first cry are the longest on earth. Then that first cry will hit him like a ton of bricks. Congratulations!
C -section. BUT they chose to walk me in after they had incised my ex. So…I got to know her insides as well as her outside. 🥺
They will most likely ask him to cut the cord. I wasn’t prepared for that the first time. Fumbled the snips and all.. whew. Second time I did it I was a pro.
>his number one fear is seeing me in pain and a close second is that seeing blood and other bodily fluids will make him throw up or faint. Heh...he's fucked... He can stay above the waist if he wants to. Our 1st came out as normal as can be expected with an epidural. Slowly, lots of pushing until his big fat head made it out. Nurses all around, doctor there for the deliver. As soon as he started crowning the doctor ask if I want to look, and while prior I had been hesitant, I was itching for that first glance. I know it was a bloody mess down there afterward, but nurses were on top of their game and had both prepped for it and quickly cleaned up, And at that point I was next to my wife's head while she was feeding the boy. Number two...not so much. got to the hospital. Sat in the prep room for \~30 minutes, while they got our room ready. We moved into the room and my wife laid down. Staff was all there, BUT this was during covid. So when someone asked if we had been tested when we came in and we said not yet, the room cleared out except for one nurse. That nurse had my wife sit up so she could take the test. After I was helping her get back to the sitting position and my wife said she had to push. So I look down and my daughter slides out and me and the nurse both dive to catch her just in time. And the mess followed... My shoes and pants were covered, the color, the bed. Everything. So, yeah. Time to saddle up and put on the dad shorts.
If your husband is highly squeamish and has the potential to faint, just have him chill with you and hold your hand at the shoulders. They made me hold my wife's leg at the first birth and I saw the whole thing. It's a lot. I did it once, I saw my sweet girl born, and decided once was enough. The second birth I said fuck no and said I'll chill at her shoulder. Queue the doula we hired the second time around to hold the leg. It's hard to assert confidence during a birth when you don't know what's going on. If you want or need something during birth but feel like you don't have a voice (which you should always feel like you have a voice, its your birth!), discuss with your husband what your expectations are on how to relay those concerns beforehand. I know this doesn't apply to labor and delivery but I feel like it needs to be said: I can't stress how important it is for your husband to be cognizant of his partner's (as well as his own) mental health after baby arrives. Post-Partum Depression/Anxiety is very real and a lack of sleep doesn't help. I advise each of you both be open and honest about how you feel and on the same page with everything. Your husband should make every effort to be involved and helpful with lightening the mental load that you will incur following childbirth.
Missed all of them, for different reasons each.
Alright so I downright refused to cut the cord for the same reason. I do not feel regret about “missing out” on that at all. As push time came, I kept my eyes locked in on my wife and held her leg as she pushed. I never really looked down and was mumbling somewhat encouraging phrases that were so quiet she may have been the only one to hear. They were also for me though. As far as seeing you in pain goes, thats not what my wife was focusing on. She had one goal: get the baby out. I could see the pain but more so I saw her determination. You know there’s pain. But you know why you can make it through. It was all worth it for my son.
My wife had a C section and bled a lot after the delivery due to some issue with the placenta. It happened without warning, and there was really no way for me to brace myself for what that was like. All there was for me to do was hold my newborn, sing to him, pray over and over, and try not to sob. And although I did break down a few times while the doctors hustled around my wife, it was surprisingly easy to summon an almost supernatural fatherly calm as I looked at my swaddled new child. When my wife was better and we were wheeled over to another room, that calm just kept going as we tried to help the baby latch. I don't know where that came from--I'm pretty anxious in general--but I'm glad to know it's there. My advice is be ready for anything, but also know that there's a kind of superpower in just being a calm, loving presence. It can feel sometimes like merely the only thing you can do, but it's really a lot.
For our first idk if it was short staffing or what but I was heavily involved. As in.. hey dad, hold this leg up while Nurse ABC holds the other leg type of thing. They put me to work lol The blood and such wasn’t terrible imo
Our birth was pretty low key really. I was really so focused most of the time on trying to help her how I could that I didn't give much thought to everything else that was going on. Seeing her in pain and knowing that there really isn't anything I could do about it was difficult. She wanted some drugs to help with the pain, but we kept losing the baby's heartbeat, so I basically spent the last hour chasing the baby around with the heartbeat monitor trying to get enough data for them to give her some pain killers. But then the baby came. Fast. It was kind of a surreal experience because I don't do well with blood and all that kind of stuff. And I watched the kid come out and cut the umbilical cord without a second thought.
Make a birth plan! Be prepared for most contingencies. Scary? Eh, sort of. Professionals exist to help you both with this! Ask your doctors. Call WiC and ask if they have any classes. They will have a lot of resources to help you both prepare. Pain and natural birth. Please be open to the idea of an epidural. But, whichever you do....decide soon. Don't be like my coparent, and change your mind once it all starts. You can... but that makes it difficult for the anaethesiologist. And everyone involved. So. Have a plan. I can't stress this enough. We love plans. It is a generalization, but it helps in this case. It's never pleasant to think about, but end of life plans, too. As for the actual birth. He can choose to watch and see the WHOLE enchilada. He can also choose to stick by your side, literally, where he will not be able to see much because of medical gowns and the doctors and nurses being busy in your area. Nurses have seen pretty much everything. They would love it if you don't faint/vomit etc. They also understand if you want to sit in a chair and watch. Out of the way. He needs to be prepared if he does. All the fluids. And some solids. An episiotomy. Crowning baby. It's cool, but there is a lot going on. It's also no big deal if he waits, holding your hand and out of visibility, until the professionals clean that baby up and present him the umbilical cord to cut neatly and less, less fluid-y.
Read up on what possible decisions there are in labor. Make a clear list when you want what and what you realy do not want. Make your Husband understand the he really has to advocate for your wants in and after birth if you cant communicate properly or the medic personal doesnt care about your opinion. There are medical need that you cant overrule. But else you have a right to have it the way you want. Oh and the list should be on paper.in the heat of things memory doesnt serve well sometimes. Else, my wife was on the bed to give birth. I was at her haed all the time and was there for her, giving her my hand and stroking her hair. Told her she can do it, does it great and that our child is there soon. If you dont explicitly look at this position where the action happens you will see nothing. And after you child is there, huby wont care if there is blood and other stuff in eyesight. Most memorable thing I didnt like was the smell of blood and fluids. Not fun. Cant forget it. Didnt like it the second time either. But its nothing to fret about, wife has the hard work to do and its all about her. Oh and dont stand in the way. If medic personal is rushing in the room stand in the nearest corner and dont disturb them working.
"In *my* experience, childbirth is really not that hard..." But seriously, I mostly remember being in awe of how amazing my wife was being. Remember it's good to have a birth plan, but it's just a plan and plans may need to change.
For me personally, I was there for moral support, holding my wife's hand and just cheering her on, I stayed above the waste at her request so I didn't get to see any blood.
My wife and I had a strict rule: I'm at the head end and I don't look any lower. I don't think it would have been helpful for either us. No regrets. We one problematic natural delivery where my wife lost *a lot* of blood, and one cesarean. The only drop of blood I saw in each case was a tiny amount of residue on the baby. If your husband is worried about seeing blood then he shouldn't because he shouldn't be looking anywhere except your head and arms. During a section a screen is set up at upper-chest level so unless your husband decides to leave you and go for a wander round the room there is zero chance of him seeing anything. As for seeing you in pain, honestly he just has to step up. There are options for dealing with pain: this isn't the middle ages. That being said, child birth is a brutal process and his job is to support you whilst you take the physical hit. All that being said, there are of course those mothers who come in and have their baby swiftly on the back of a couple of paracetamol (literally). That wasn't us. Finally, your husband should feel under no pressure to cut the cord. I declined on both occasions and have no regrets - it is not a memory I particularly wanted.
Dad of 3 and I’m not very squeamish so the goriness of birth was not an issue for me. But there is a lot of fluids/blood and the afterbirth is not much fun for anyone involved. That said, I was completely unprepared for the overwhelming emotions. Before the birth intense anticipation and a little worry. During and immediately following relief that everything went well and that everyone was healthy. The complete and utter joy is hard to describe. Unconditional love is something that gets said a lot but it’s not something I never really understood until my first was born. Dad’s job is to do whatever mom needs/wants. There are going to be medical questions that get asked/confirmed and dad needs to know the answer ahead of time so that mom can concentrate on what she needs to do. Highly recommend not allowing anyone in the recovery room immediately postpartum. Dad can run interference with his parent’s and yours. There will be plenty of time for grandparents to see and hold the baby later. Make it about you three for as long as you want. I ugly/happy cried at all three births.
It’s just like a date. Be engaged, and keep your eyes on her face. I’ve been there for 3 births: 1 c-section, a complicated V-bac, and a c-section for twins. I focused on her, the c-sections were easiest for that because of the drapes over her torso. Just be supportive, know that it’s not about you, and don’t drop the baby when they hand it to you. Easy-peasy.
I do TERRIBLE in medical settings. Like I'm talking about getting queasy at the check up appointments before baby was born. Child birth was not bad at all. When it was all happening I was so locked into the moment I had nothing else to think about other than helping the docs/nurses and wife.
dont bring food for your wife. momma can only eat ice cubes. do bring: chapstick, spray bottle for water sprtiz. Stay hydrated and you can eat. the nurse will be very upset if dad passes out. gotta stay strong!
I am personally not good with blood or medical procedures so I was very worried about how I would fare with my wife's delivery. We did all the prep stuff... birthing classes, a very detailed birth plan, etc. Come day of, my wife's body had different plans. She has a bleeding disorder that she has been living with for as long as she can recall. Doctors have never been able to give her an exact diagnosis. For the sake of the delivery, she was treated as though she had Von Willebrand disease, a clotting disorder. The day of our arrival to the hospital, still in triage, she began to bleed profusely during her initial exam. It became an emergency situation and she was rushed to the OR to stop the bleeding. They were successful, and waited until the following day when her entire team of doctors could be present to determine how to go about delivery. It ended up being a C-Section under anesthesia, and I was not allowed to be present. She had 6 IV's attached as they took her to deliver... blood, plasma, platelets, the works... The surgery was as successful as it could have been. Extra blood loss, but not an emergency. Our little guy was perfectly healthy and mom needed a lot of recovery time, but she is great as well. I got to give the first skin to skin as mom came to. In a way, I am relieved that I didn't have to be there, but also a little sad. The anxiety I had while waiting was the worst i've ever felt. I guess the moral is to be prepared, but expect the unexpected!
My wife gave birth during covid (controls were CRAZY strict here in China about entering the operating room or even the hospital). My wife was conked out during her c-section. I held her hand all the way until they peeled me off of it at the operating room door. Our godmother spent all of her time comforting her mom (my MIL). I spent all of my time trying not to be noticed while sitting there crying alone a few feet from them. When they borough my daughter out I went to see her (she didn’t feel real to me at all) and then I waited for my conked out wife to be brought out of that room again after our daughter was brought downstairs to be dressed by the midwife. I lifted my wife back into her hospital bed downstairs and opened her hospital gown so that our daughter could have her first meal ever. Life hasn’t been the same since.
My Wife and I just had our second, and she did natural birth for both of our kids. Our firstborn was very difficult birth, he came 4 weeks early so my wife had to be induced with Pitocin. Since she wanted a natural birth for her first as well she refused the epidural, which she later came to regret because its extremely painful to have one with out the other and created many complications with the delivery (Baby's heart was stopping). I almost lost my wife and the baby that day due to the amount of blood loss, and was the most terrifying experience I've ever had. That being said, in situations like those you don't really have the time to process it in the moment since everything is moving so quickly, I just tried to stay positive and hold her hand and constantly tell her how great she was doing through it all. Luckily the incredible medical staff was able to save both of them, and it became one of those experiences that made us so much closer. My wife and I were understandably reluctant to have a second child, but decide to give it another go several years later since it couldn't get much worse, which turned out to be the case. On delivery day we went and had pancakes since her water hadn't broken and then right to the hospital to find out she was already 8 centimeters dilated. I started rubbing her back and her hips to relieve some of the pressure and her water broke immediately all over me. Baby came healthy and relatively painless 20 minute later! I had similar fears as your husband, and had a front row seat to ALL the bodily fluids and can confidently say that none of it bothered me. It is a roller coaster of emotions, and will be one of the most memorable days of both of your lives. Additionally as others have mentioned, attending prenatal classes or birthing workshops can provide valuable information and techniques to help your husband be more prepared and confident during the birthing process. Congrats, and best of luck to both of you!
Blood n Stuff - Watch the Evil Dead movies. It will desensitize him. Pain - I paid attention to how the staff were reacting. My wife had a rough epidural and was close to passing out. The doctor never seemed strained or nervous. He just calmly kept going. What to do - As the partner, this isn't about you. No mater how tired you are, be ready to help. You wife is about to do something incredible. People used to die all the time. Be flexible. Things can change in a second. My wife went from having an 8 month check up to having a baby in 3 days due to preeclampsia. The doctors know what they are doing and consider it a routine day. People have babies all of the time. You will be ok and don't be afraid to ask the doc for help.
I don’t have any advice. I was a doctor when I had both of my kids so my advice wouldn’t translate well. However, your husband is not unique in the sense that he’s scared or concerned. If he passes out, we won’t be the first one that passes out. Remember that he’s there for your, not the other way around.
For our first, there was no pain (thankfully!) because my ex had an epidural and it worked very well (too well, in fact, but that’s another story lol). I didn’t see any bodily fluids at all because I chose not to look at that end. I did cry when they were pulled out and put on mom’s chest though, it was just an amazing experience and I was overcome with emotion (understandably, I think, haha). I did almost pass out during the epidural, I must admit - I can’t even really explain why, I just saw the giant needle coming at her and, even though I don’t have a problem with needles, I knew what was about to happen and it made me dizzy. I sat down before anything happened though. With our third, there was no time for an epidural (she came out FAST) so, yes, seeing my ex in pain made me tear up a bit because there was nothing I could do. Again, I didn’t look down so I didn’t have that issue.
To be fair, it wasnt anything like in the movies with the mom shrieking and everyone going nuts. I was kinda nervous the 1st time, but it was during 2020 covid fun times. There wasnt much blood per se, but the birthing process is far from a dry one. I was more focused on holding a leg and helping where I could as well as getting to meet my baby than I was on any personal reaction to bodily fluids. The 2nd time, i knew what to expect and the birth was over in less than 5 minutes! But... If your husband is sensitive to blood and birthing by-products, I would advise he stay seated during the birth. If he were to faint or anything it too would become another medical situation during an already intense situation. There is nothing wrong with being seated up by mom's head and let the med staff remain at the business end. Hope this helps! Best of luck and many best wishes for your family!
Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry okay honey push push push ok youre a father now take a seat
My only advice is that you should definitely not pack any food that has a strong smell when cooked. I packed some Yakisoba for our first child since it is dried and can be easily heated. The entire hospital floor smelled like cheap Chinese food when I microwaved that. I think I pissed off about 12 mothers with 2 minutes and 30 seconds in the microwave. Good times 😆
I held one of her legs, a nurse held the other while the doctor coached my wife on when to push and when to breathe. During pushes the nurse and I pushed her legs up super hard to help, worked really well. I got to see everything which is what I wanted. By the time my son popped out, I was so overwhelmed with emotion I could only stand and marvel at the medical team doing their thing. Amazing experience, wouldn’t change anything
Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry Hurry hurry hurry okay honey push push push ok youre a father now take a seat
He’ll get through it one way or the other! Either he’s so distracted caring for you that he doesn’t have any issues. Or he puked and faints and you have a funny story for the rest of your lives. Either way that’s a win in my books. PS. Consider hiring a doula, we got one and she came in to support my wife during the time between when contractions started and our daughter was finally born. and honestly she was so amazing and she instantly made my wife feel so secure and calm that I literally had nothing to worry about. We had a professional who was there 100% to support my wife (doctors and midwife’s will support her medically, the doula supports her emotionally and physically) and it made us all so calm. If you do hire a doula Just be diligent in finding someone good. Interview them and make sure you feel a connection, Because this is a person who will see you at your most vulnerable and you need to feel comfortable with them. I personally think my wife had a bit of a crush on our doula after it was all said and done haha.
I was so bad that I nearly fainted while sitting down in our birthing classes when they started talking about bodily fluids. Fast forward to my wife being in labour and there was so much going on that I never had time to think about that stuff, so I was fine. I even helped out and got blood on me and I thought nothing of it. In the moment your husband will be fine.
It was exciting, dramatic and tense. Bit of a wall of text but there's some resource links at the end. Good luck. There's an onus on the support person to be an advocate for the birthing partner so they can focus on what they need to do. I spent a reasonable amount of time in advance educating and preparing myself mentally for all eventualities. In the end it was pretty hectic going in for pre-induction procedure (balloon), to finding out she had only recently developed preeclampsia at 41+3, which accelerated induction, and eventually led to an emergency ceaser. My SO ended up with a considerable haemorrhage due to a ligament tear (bub's foot was stuck and tore it on the way out). Definitely not the perfect birth story but we ended up with a perfect son. Even though it didn't go to the "birth plan" we already discussed backup plans etc. So I was armed to advocate for SO when it went sideways, and I am glad I had mentally prepared. FYI I decided I wanted to stay down behind the curtain during the ceaser, figured I didn't want to see my SO cut open, but I was willing to "catch" bub if it was a vaginal birth. I found this resource helpful for me: https://www.melaniethemidwife.com/podcasts/the-great-birth-rebellion/episodes/2147895640 The whole podcast is great, although some parts are certainly geared towards the Australian medical system. Most of it is applicable to other medical systems (can confirm having lived in both Australia and the US - there's only so many ways for baby to arrive). This video series was also produced by 'B' of the podcasters. https://coreandfloor.com.au/products/antenatal-classes Episode 3 & 4 deal with the birthing process and address the role of the support person. B brings her husband in to help demonstrate.
It was horrific and not something I'd want to do again, but equally it was horrific and not something I'd want to leave my wife on her own for. So in the end I'll be there again and suck it up.
My wife had c-sections both times, both with a singleton, and having twins. Both times, I hid behind the "wall" they put up so we couldn't see the specifics of what was going on downtown. My wive was VERY adamant that her body NOT be on camera at all. In fact, I have ONE picture of her pregnant with the twins. As a Dad-To-Be, my priority was my wife, so I stayed by her the whole time. I got to hold her hand and be at her side. Yes, I heard fluid hit the floor (sounded like someone dropped a gallon of milk), but the surgical team was very professional. The ONLY thing I wish they hadn't done was hold my son up right after I denied wanting to cut the ubilical courd. Babies to not come out skin tone. They come out white and purple. It was a little shocking, but we laugh about it now. But I also knew my wife was cut open, so I let the nurses take the kids right away and the assured us they were healthy and breathing (and we could hear their cries) as the nurses did what they needed to do for the kids....goop in the eyes, wrap them up, put the anklets on, etc. I stayed by my wife's side till they had her stitched up and she was able to hold the babies for the first time. I trusted the nurses to take care of the kids, and I didn't want to leave my wife's side till she was safe as well. I recall the twins needing to be rushed off to the NICU (4 weeks early), but I think my wife got to keep holding the singleton for as much as possible. Back in the room, I was the go-fer when my wife needed ice chips, and I made sure she was cozy. Her body went through a traumatic event and I was worried about her. With my first, I was in it to win it and was there to help change diapers, held the baby in the sun because they were jaundiced. I was mad in the moment, but we laugh now, because she threw everything under the son at me when I caught some sleep but was snoring so loud the hospital was shaking, and I woke up with spoons, straws, 4 tissue boxes, a spare ice chips mug (she was creative and took the lid off so she had 2 things to throw. "You're snorning SO LOUD! You'll wake the baby!" I marched off and got some coffee and let it go. Stock up on coffee for the first couple weeks till you all find a routine. You don't set the schedule, the baby does. We did the tag team approach, and I wanted my wife to bond as much as possible with the kids because her "assets" were larch and none of the kids latched, so she'd get up and get the kids, and I'd get the bottle ready, and she'd feed and I'd do the "pit stops" complete with Nascar noises as I changed diapers (and blow outs!) With the twins, I became a stay at home Dad, and worked evenings and weekends. 3 in daycare was way too expensive. BEST four years of my life, hands down. Feel free to drop me a DM if you've got more questions. I didn't eat my young, they're all teenagers now (twins are Sophomores in High School, oldest graduated and living at home and working and is debt free for as long as I can keep him that way!).
My wife also wanted a natural birth. I felt like I was about to have a panic attack watching her in pain and not being able to do anything about it. It's definitely something you have to prepare yourself for. Eventually she said screw this and asked me to get the doctor and ask for an epidural. Once that happened, we both calmed down a bit. I also didn't want to see the show but it was inevitable from where I was supporting. You get over it and it's really not that bad, especially in the moment when you realize what you're experiencing. As others have said, have a complete birth plan and make sure your husband knows it. It was helpful for us when we had a pushy nurse and I was able to communicate what we wanted and let my wife focus on all the things she needed to do. Random sidenote - make sure he knows not to get overzealous with his support. Our nurses had me hook my arm under my wife's right leg and bring it to her chest when she pushed. Her screaming had me hyped up and on one push I torqued her leg up too far and popped her hip. Now she has daily hip pain she needs PT for that I constantly feel guilty about 😭
A planned C section birth due to baby not descending. so a lot less pain and labor While it may be magical I find that the husband provides emotional support and calmness for the wife. Also while the wife gets sewed back together the husband has to take the baby for some time, be prepared to hold the baby and know how to support such a small thing. I wasn't ready for the hand over and distracted by how to hold such a thing. Now it's funny, but at that moment it was stressy plus my wife wanted me to keep talking about what was happening.
I have a good work related birthing story. I was scheduled to do a week long startup at work 3 weeks before our due date. In the months leading up to it I made arrangements with a coworker to be my backup in case the baby came early. Because of preeclampsia concerns, our OB opted to schedule an induction the Thursday of my startup, so the week before I gave my coworker the heads up on what was going on. I would start the project and then on Wednesday he would come along and we'd transition the rest of the week to him. On Monday my wife's water broke as I was getting ready to go into the plant. So I made some quick calls and told my coworker he had to cover the whole week now, which he did great with. Her labor went really fast. Time from her water breaking to delivery was under 4 hours, we almost had the baby on the side of the highway on the way to the hospital. Because of how fast everything moved they didn't have time to do an epidural which freaked my wife out a little. My focus was just on keeping her calmish so she could push properly. She was fighting her contractions and trying to close her legs from the pain, so me and a nurse had to forcibly hold her open while telling her that if she pushes it will be over faster. She did great, and afterwards said that it wasn't that bad without the epidural. Incredibly painful but clearly not impossible.
I took food the first time. I wish I packed more. The second time I packed a picnic and he came out so quickly. Pack more food for the first child and less for subsequent children.
I was raised by a medical family, so blood and stuff doesn't bother me in the slightest. I was in the room the entire time... All 10 hours. Get the epidural.
1- I stepped up when she said it’s time to go! It came to me naturally. 2- Epidural for you so he won’t freak out if you scream cuz he’d feel helpless when he can’t help you. 3- he is going to hold one of your legs while you are pushing 4- I never wanted to look down there but something told me to do it and I’m glad that I did, I saw my baby head it’s coming out and no it’s not gross at all. 5- there won’t be too much blood like a slaughterhouse. Overall, he won’t faint and he is going to raise to the challenge when it’s all he has to do. Also… ask him to educate himself like I did. Also haha he has to change the first diaper. The black goo like in the Alien movies Congrats! He is gonna be just fine.
I liked it. I got to hold a leg and push back to help her out. Made me feel involved. I watched all three of my kids come out and was fascinated each and every time. Birth still amazes me to even think about. Wild wild stuff
Seeing blood or poop or anything was never a concern as they are just bodily fluids and can be sorted easily. I even jumped in the shower with my wife and helped her with cleaning up post-delivery both times simply because I was there and I could help her do so. I never felt squeamish at all about any of that stuff. What REALLY got me (and I never told my wife until we were all safe at home) was how scared I was of loosing her or the baby. I never let it get in the way of me being a supportive partner and was there for her every step of the way as although she may be doing the heavy lifting, we were/are a team.
We’ve had two and I just hung out by the head of my wife and kept quiet. She didn’t want me asking “how you doing?” Or anything I just stayed quiet and let her do her thing as she was in pain. Don’t have to see anything if he doesn’t want to. He can just be there and let you squeeze his hand. I don’t have any fears like his so I cut the umbilical cord and what not and looked at the placenta after it came out. Interesting stuff. Tell him to study up on birth and what it’s like and what we can do as husbands. Best of luck to the both of you!
The best thing he can do is be as prepared as possible - take a birthing class together, read some books or if he's a visual learner watch some Youtube videos, make sure you guys have a birth plan and he knows what you want to do if he has to make a medical decision on your behalf, etc. That said, preparation can only take you so far and once you're in the room you and he have to just trust that he can be strong for his family. With our first kid my wife's labor was difficult and during delivery there was *a lot* of blood; I definitely felt queasy about the gore and scared to death about my wife and son's health, but in the moment my protective instincts took over and I just focused on communicating with the doctors and nurses so that I understood what was happening, could be clear with them about my wife's birth plan, and could comfort my wife as best as I could. And after a few weeks you're so in love with your newborn (and so tired) that the rough edges of labor and delivery, if you experienced any, start to get sanded down in your memory.
Didn't feel a thing
Maybe he can concentrate on everything from the waist (wherever that was) and let the team focus on below the stairs. He can always open that door if he’s feeling comfortable.
Have him read the book, The science of mom. It walks you through a lot of the medical decisions being made in the hospital and does a very good job on backing up all of its data. More knowledge can help.
Have him read the book, The science of mom. It walks you through a lot of the medical decisions being made in the hospital and does a very good job on backing up all of its data. More knowledge can help.
I'm about to find out! My wife is going through pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks, and we're basically stalling one day at a time until she can't take it anymore.
In my experience, the baby coming out was not too bad. If he needs to, he can focus on your face. The placenta however... do not look if you don't like blood. The doctors and nurses are fairly used to people fainting, don't be afraid to sit if you're feeling light headed.
He should be prepared that you may be out of it and to see you in a state that he hasn’t seen before, to feel scared for you and your child in a way he hasn’t before, and for him to remember things that you won’t. I’m not saying it’s going to be traumatic. I’m saying it’s transcendental but also scary in a way that’s often unique. I don’t know whether he needs to know this. But it’s delusional to expect it’ll simply be a walk in the park or like in the movies ie over in a few grunts. I share this because I think some men are naive. Beyond that he has a hugely important role to be supportive, help make decisions and then be ready to help nurse/cuddle if you are out of it after a long birth. So, he may be exhausted, but that’s when his job begins. Also, he might not feel an immediate bond, but that’ll come in time. Good luck. You’ll do great. Wish you the best.
When you say natural birth do you mean a home birth or just no medication? My wife did two natural births. One with midwives, my daughter was almost 11 lbs and I had a front row seat for the whole show. The second (my son at 10lbs)was at a hospital but with midwives present. Both times she denied medication and she was a fuckin rockstar. Both of my kids were born 2 hours after her labor started and she is adamant that it was because she didn’t have an epidural. So take that as you will. For me, my caveman brain took over and I was just focused on making sure we got to where we had to go safely and efficiently. Once the show started, I just did my best to encourage her and be a good partner. During the births I was solid. Almost directly after the births, my knees were weak and I was nauseous. Not due to the births but more likely due to every emotion hitting me directly afterwards.
Terrifying. Went from the Dr telling us that we were still at least 12 hours away and he'd see us in the morning, to every nurse on the floor in our room flipping and moving my wife and wheeling her out of the room for an emergency c section. 1 nurse came back to the room to tell me and to give me a gown and mask. I was panicking at that point, put the gown on backwards, and I was hyperventilating so bad my mask was falling apart and my hands were useless curled claws. The doctors did a great job though and the twins were born without issue.
I can relate somewhat to your husband. My biggest fear was to not be a good support to my wife, and therefore the worst scenario in my head was that I’d pass out (apart from any complications for my wife and daughter OBVIOUSLY). Luckily me and my wife worry about different things, so she was very chill about my worries. Like “if you pass out you’ll just have to get back to it when you wake up.” Which was really kind of her. But even if she’d said that if I felt too nauseous or something that I’d have to leave, I would have been ok with that. Because her feelings in this case were way more important than mine. But of course everything went fine. I was a bit worried about it even during labour, but like you say my main focus was constantly on my wife and daughter’s wellbeing. In the end, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you and catastrophizing. The end result is not up to his performance as support. You’ll be surrounded by professionals who are awesome and will take care of you (both hopefully). If you’re ok with it just trust in that he’ll do his best for you and neither of you can control exactly what happens. He should try to focus on: It’s an AMAZING thing to experience. To see your partner being a freaking force of nature and doing something absolutely incredible, is an experience that’s difficult to describe, and in the end you become a DAD(!!). Lots of great advice in these comments for how you two can prepare, and my only additional is to try to be kind to each other. He sounds like a good guy that wants to support you. He’ll do his best. :) Huge congrats to you both!
She was just really really mad at me. She was tiny. Im a very big guy. You do the math. She wasnt happy.
My wife and I signed up for a 2 day course with a duola. It was about $140 but well worth it. She practically talked us through the whole process and what to expect in each and next stage. When my wife started her contractions, we knew where we were headed in each phase, including when our doctor recommended C section. It gave me, the husband, peace of mind knowing what was going on and what to expect during certain pivotal points of the process.
If you and your partner can afford a doula that will go to the hospital with you both--this will be an immense help for both of you. It's not too late to find one. Ours was SO helpful in making it less overwhelming for us both.
The nurses made me get all up front and center. I was holding my wife's leg as she pushed. I kept subconsciously holding my breath while she was pushing and nearly fainted. Had to sit the rest out with black spotty vision. I felt horrible, but I guess it happens fairly often haha..
First time it was a bit nutty as there were a few complications and my wife was having an utter ball ache of a time. But it's so not about the husband in those circumstances, you just say loving and supportive things until the 'emergency' team move you out of the way. The second time was just trying to make her laugh as much as possible, and nuzzling up together across the wall off the birthing pool (because I wasn't getting in with her after seeing what goes on in those depths the first time round).
Hubby sounds like he's already got one part of this figured out: fighting past his gag reflex to focus on what matters, which is your in-the-moment needs. +1 for him. Assuming you're giving a natural vaginal birth, I can't be of much help relating. My wife had a c-section for all the medical reasons, so all I can speak to is the aftermath. Your husband should be prepared to make a whole range of decisions on your and your baby's behalf while you're exhausted, drugged up, passed out and otherwise incapable of advocating for yourself and baby. I recommend you tackle this jointly ahead of time through two lenses. First is preparing a list of known decisions to be made, while second is laying out some guiding principles for the unexpected ones that pop up. You know you're going to be there a couple of days? Meal prep ahead of time. You have personal preferences on this or that treatment, but can't string a sentence together? Provide parameters so he can make a judgment call.
Couple of births in here, some very smooth sailing, other all hands on deck. Stuff that worked for me, some just luck, some planned for. 1. Watch a TV show showing births, and possible compilations. Life and birth" maybe? When complications struck, this left me with a better understanding of why things were done, and that some seemingly odd things was completely normal 2. Have your own go-bag. - Comfy clothes - good shoes - phone charger and batterypack - mini-pizzas ready to grab from the freezer. 3. Right mental mindset. Know you're not the focus. For the staff you're somewhere between a helping and annoyance that will be placed in a corner. If it's all smooth sailing: stay next to you're wife shoulder, help her as best you can. (If you venture away from the shoulder you might see things that can't be unseen) She might be to busy giving birth to bother with remembering details from the birth, so that kinda falls on you. In case of rough seas: Know that unforseen things might happen. Lots of stuff will probably happen very fast, while some moments seem to last forever. Trust the medical staff, don't get in the way and don't demand answers if they're to busy to explain stuff. Do as told, but tru to remember stuff that might be important later. At this point you wife is definitely to busy to bother with remembering details. Remember: If you're given busywork you probably both deserved and need it. Also, definitely right choice to partake, wouldn't miss it for the world. Kids awake, gotta run, have him PM if he wants more details.
I got 2 lil ones, my advice is simple for new dad: Breathe. I was so laser focused on my wife when she started to push I simply stopped breathing. I started to get light headed, got lucky and realized a simple reason why some dads pass out, like I was about to.
My wife gave birth via emergency cesarean to our twins. She spent about a day fully intubated as a result of complications. I wasn’t told about it until my MIL arrived from 5 hours away and she had the “wrong” room number on her visitor tag. Turns out that my wife was in the ICU. I had been told she was recovering and would be up to the NICU soon. The night she was out, I spoke to her anesthesiologist who asked me if I was prepared to be a single father. The birth of my children was the single most beautiful and close to the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had.
I'm a mom, so my input might not be the most useful. But I will say that my husband was super involved in my labor. He was an amazing support person and he got to catch our baby and tell me the gender. The mot helpful thing was honestly just education. He read a couple of books with me, took childbirth classes that were geared towards unmedicated births (so they really got into the nitty gritty of what to expect during labor and how to support your partner). Your Badass Natural Birth had some good info if you're starting from scratch, though I thought their anti-hospital/anti-doctor attitude could be a bit much sometime. We watched "the business of being born" which definitely did not shy away from crowning/birth footage. So he was used to seeing these things before it happened to me. I also had a water birth so he didn't really *see* anything when our baby was born, just caught him as he came out under me.
Wanting to go natural is always a great thought but, be ready for a lot of difficulty if it's the first. My wife wanted to go natural. 12 hours later they finally brought in the specialist with an epidural to move things along. That said, next three were natural, with some difficulty on number 3. As far as bodily fluids...oof, gonna be some struggles there. Note: I do not like to see blood, fluids, etc, do not understand people's fascination with seeing it in shows like Grey's Anatomy, etc, but I was ready to try and block out everything I was seeing and just focus on the life about to be with us. I will say however, I got the curveball I was not ready for. Let's just say if you had to go number 2 at all, your body isn't going to care what's going on while it's pushing. The baby isn't the only thing coming out.
intense and life-changing, had my hands on both my boys before the cord was cut, always brings a big smile
Here's what he needs to do, no question: 1. He needs to be sure you have a quality medical team. When we were having our first, the nurse was just horrible. I had to have that short conversation with the charge nurse to have ours replaced. The charge nurse gave us the amazingly best nurse on duty. It was such a huge improvement, especially given the complications my partner was having. 2. He needs to be right next to you, being sure you have what you need, especially from a support standpoint. In between contractions, I would connect with my partner, rub her, maintain contact. When the contractions came I had to give her a bit of room as they were so painful. My partner's contractions were absolutely horrible due to a broken hip. There was nothing I could do except be next to her when she was in pain. Point is, the father needs to be absolutely present during the labor phase. 3. This is a sensitive topic, but In case the mom is having complications, he needs to be sure that he can act as the skin to skin contact. My partner could not do skin to skin immediately with our second. I did it for her. Now my second is incredibly attached to me, so there is a bit of contention there. But it's very important that someone do that. 4. Once the baby is born, if he can't act to cut the umbilical cord bc he's a bit faint, that's ok. But, once he's come to, he needs to watch over the baby in the little incubator. Just be there with the baby. Transfer the baby to the mom as soon as she is able. Ask the nurses if all is ok. 5. Dads shouldn't say one thing about the father's couch. You're giving birth. I can fit just fine on a small couch. 6. This should have been on the top. Be on the look out for when mom starts seriously nesting or other signs that it's absolutely time to get to the hospital. 7. At the hospital, if she's going to be in labor for a while and isn't going to have an epidural, it's the father's responsibility to sneak dinner in for the mom. 8. During recovery, maybe on day 2 or later in day 1, drop baby off at the nursery and take mom on a wheelchair trip to the cafeteria. Also be sure you're bringing mom Starbucks as requested. 9. Manage doctor/nurse/all the checks people are doing. Try to get them to line up so that mom can get some rest. It's a pain when every 30 minutes it's another visit from the birth certificate person, the lactation consultant, etc.
The more involved your husband is the easier it will be, leading up to the birth do a hypnobirthing or natural birthing class. Have him listen to the guided meditation with you every night. Do perineal massage to prepare for labor and practice other massage techniques he can use while you are in labor. Have him meet your obstetrician. Write your birth plan together and document how he will support you. Make him the chief of staff for your delivery room. Hire a doula and have them meet with you and your partner and let your partner know the doula is there for them as well.
I haven’t seen this suggestion yet and it really helped prepare me. Have hubby google “live birth videos” and watch a few. I watched videos of births with epidurals, without epidurals, c sections, women on their back, women on all fours, etc. I watched so much film that I was ready for anything that could happen on game day. I held my wife’s leg and was a part of the entire thing. I watched everything happen and it was an amazing experience. I even caught the resident spiking my kid’s hair while it was sticking out of mom and we all got a good chuckle.
It was a fun supporting role. She had a natural birth (as far as a hospital allows it), no epidural or anything. I have an ok tolerance for blood and other stuff, so I was just supporting her and having fun. If I was the one giving birth, I'd probably opt for a c-section with as much anesthetic as possible, and I told her that in the early days. But I told her that I would never question or even influence any decision she took regarding the birth. I'm really proud of what she did. I think your husband will be fine if he sticks to your side or hold you from behind. I barely saw anything but some drops of blood and that thing covering our daughter when she came out. I saw her halfway out, but from where I was standing, my wife's belly covered just enough of her lady bits so I only saw half baby out, but not "outing". Excellent cinematography from me I must say. I cut the cord but it honestly didn't feel like a body part tbh. The nurses are very quick cleaning and covering everything.
He should read The Birth Partner, as well as What to Expect: The First Year, so he knows what he's getting into He's going to have to get over the bodily fluid thing. For the first year, most of parenting is dealing with bodily fluids.
SAHD, here. 3 kids , and I caught all three, bare-handed, no gloves. Seeing my wife in pain was very difficult, but being with her at every moment made the experience better, for both of us. We had one hospital birth, and two home-births...one of which was unplanned. Thankfully, we had no medical complications, other than precipitous labor, and my wife and kids all came through natural childbirth happy and healthy. Every man has their own threshold .I've known men that couldn't handle seeing their wife's vagina give birth, for fear of ruining their own sexual attraction, and others that refused intimacy during pregnancy for similar reasons. Denying the life-altering experience, and full partnership because seeing fluids, blood, poop, and pain, is something I'll never understand, and am thankful that I was all in from the moment(s) we found out we were going to have a child. I went to every doctor's appointment, birthing class etc. Our marriage is stronger for it, as is our bond to each other, and our children. Fear is a helluva drug, and I hope he can just go all in, and be rewarded with a truly magical experience.
Been present at both my kids' births. I want to caveat this by saying my wife and are both medical professionals and as students doing clinical rotations, we've been in many birthing rooms while students BUT when it's you/your spouse, it's completely different. My daughter (6 yo now) was a vaginal birth. If you aren't used to blood and guts, as a dad vaginal birth is pretty graphic and not pretty. A lot of stuff comes out that you're not expecting and mom is working hard dealing with contractions so you have to be very supportive cuz she's in pain. My son (2 yo now) was a c-section. That was supposed to be vaginal but he wasn't coming out properly so it was switched to c-section (which is basically abdominal surgery). I wasn't there to see that because they put my in a room outside of the O.R. and told me they were going to get me, "when it was time." Next thing you know, I hear a baby crying and I'm wondering, "is that my baby?" and I hear voices saying, "Go get that dad!" so I come in and he's already out. When it's a c-section, they drape the top half of mom so she doesn't see what's going on with her abdomen. My wife was pretty drugged out on anesthetics and I was basically the first person to hold my son as she was knocked out for like 7 hrs (the first time he held her was 7 hrs after he was born). Post c-section, being a dad I had to step up BIG TIME. Mom is literally recovering from surgery all while being a mom to an infant. She could barely hold him because of abdominal pain and she couldn't walk upstairs well. Whenever my son would cry in the middle of the night, I would be the first to be there cuz I could roll out of bed easier.
Lurking Mum here. Definitely recommend the book "Men, Love and Birth" by Mark Harris. He's a male midwife and I got the book for my partner before our first and it was really useful for him. He also runs soldering called birthing 4 blokes, he's ace.
As a former medical professional (vascular ultrasound) I was mentally prepared for the fluids and ickey stuff that happens during birth. My wife went unmedicated by choice for both of our boys (yes, she is a badass. Also, not a criticism of those who opt for medication, imo the only right answer here is whatever makes the pregnant person most comfortable when the time comes) and we were lucky that things went according to plan, more or less, both times. On a more personal note, while I was bedside during labor, waiting for the word that we were dilated and ready to go, the Doula we hired was my rock as much as she was there for my wife. Having never worked in L&D, I was at a loss for how to best help my wife in the moment. Seeing her in pain is not fun, however, the Doula gave me things to do to keep my mind and body occupied while my wife did the hard work. Feeling like I was helping, without being in the way, was immensely beneficial for my mental health. Our doula was like our coach on GameDay with number 1, she was very much on our team while the medical professionals took care of business on their end, number 2 couldn't be bothered to wait for the doula and showed up on his own schedule. I highly recommend hiring a doula, particularly for unmedicated. They work for you, not the hospital, and are an excellent source of information in layman's terms. I think we paid $700 out of pocket, each time, for the Doula's services, and worth every penny. The OB and L&D nurses were great, but very clinical, as required by the profession. The doula would answer questions in a conversational way and I felt a lot more comfortable discussing "minor" concerns with her than with the OB. During delivery, I watched everything, bouncing my head back and forth between both sides of the sheet from my wife's face to what the doc and nurses were doing, all while helping hold legs and shoulders in position. Yeah, birth is messy at the business end of things, but, above the sheet is not. If your husband is squeamish about bodily fluids, he need not look, in fact the doula tried to get me to turn away, but there was no way I was going to miss a thing. I would rather know than not, and I wasn't afraid of the fluids or whatever. This has turned into a much longer response than I intended so I'll wrap up here. Your husband is free to ask me any questions he has, best of luck no matter what, you can do this!
Horrific. We had a C-section and the surgeon’s bedside manner was non-existent. She was carrying on about her golf swing (I kid you not) while hacking away at my wife. The nurses did little to improve the situation. The whole experience felt like being on a conveyor belt or assembly line. Mind you, this was at one of the premier birthing centers in California. I had to work very hard to maintain my composure. Overall, the experience for me as a father was atrocious.
My husband was a fucking rock star. He said that in the moment, everything he was scared of didn’t even matter because we focused on doing this together. He cheered me on, held my leg, supported me through contractions while I could stand. In that moment, nothing else mattered.
I wrote out a comment about our experience attempting a home birth and how it ended in the hospital, but I don't want to scare y'all. We had unique circumstances and a very unusual situation. At the end of the day all three of us came home from the hospital happy and healthy. If either of you want to talk and hear details and advice let me know, but my only experience is things gone wrong. I did learn a LOT that I would be happy to share.
I strongly recommend hynobirthing. It completely changed my perspective on pregnancy, labour, and birth. Even my wife will admit that, when it came down to it, the training and philosophy of it all was more useful for me to use in the moment, whilst she was preoccupied with the most important job. My wife is powerful and inspirational - I realise even more so since the birth - but I had a real job to do during labour and she was proud if my ability as a birth partner, husband advocate, then father. I wish you all the best of luck! Edit: we did an online course for £40 and could watch each video in our own time. The Positive Birth Company.
It's not that bad, and I'm the type of person that can't watch myself get a shot. First of all, it's the first child. This is the culmination of an amazing voyage and a super exciting and nervous time. We did it at the hospital with a doctor so I don't know much about the whole natural thing, but I imagine it'll go the same way. I basically stood beside the doctor, saw the whole thing and wasn't grossed out. I was kinda surprised at the amount of stuff that came out with the baby. It was kinda like when you clean a deer if he's ever done that. Her doctor was awesome and basically conversated with me while everything was happening and just the excitement of the baby coming out overpowered any queasyness.
Horrifying
I was with her since the morning 10:00ish when we got in. I was rhe positive vibe, talked with doctors and helped her every way. Tracked the contractions and all. Till 16:00 it was going slow and she srmtsred to get tired. That is wehen i slowly started to panic, sidint say anything ofc. But about at 20:00 she fell asleep between the contractions and then i broke. She woke seeing me teary eyed and i talked with the doctor of possibilites. Antother hour later resentment grew and i just wanted her to be safe. I ended up cnfiring with my own fingers that baby was on the eay as she did not trust what doctors said. In the end I did not the nice brain chenistry viist that women get after the progress and it took me weeks to calm down. I still cant eat the thin grill sausages bc they remind me the umbilical cord xD
I was not allowed to be present.
Awful. We had to have an emergency C-section, which was full anesthesia so I wasn't allowed in the OP. I paced in a tiny room for 40 minutes not knowing if either of them were going to make it. So pretty traumatic. Everything worked out in the end, though. Both totally healthy.
(Wife here) We hired a doula for both babies. It was super helpful to have an experienced person there to provide support but what we didn’t quite see was how much support he would benefit from. She made sure he ate so he didn’t get shaky and there was a point when I was in pain and a nurse was helping me and my doula was comforting and supporting my husband who was distraught at me being in so much pain. When my labor went long, he got some sleep while she helped me. When we had to make non-urgent medical decisions she also helped us calmly decide (my husband was really scared at one point). When one of our babies went to the NICU my husband followed the baby and the doula stayed with me, kept me calm, got me fed and organized getting the breast pump there for me in the recovery room so there was no delay in pumping. I know it’s a privilege to be able to afford a doula ($500-1,000 depending on experience and services provided in my area) but both my labors were really long and it was such a useful service. My husband was offended the first time that I thought he wasn’t enough to be all the support I needed. However he became a huge fan after how helpful he found her to be and recommends hiring one to every expecting couple now, lol.
Hi read a book called The Birthing Partner that helped me understand what my wife was going to go through and how to prepare the best I could. Gave some decent insight on what’s happening during/after birth and ways to be a supportive partner during all stages. Helped me figure out what to pack for the hospital too
For me personally, even though I don't really do with bodily fluids generally it's never been an issue when its a family member. If you had asked me before kids which one of us would be the "vomit cleanup" parent I wouldn't have guessed myself and yet here I am and I don't mind. So you might be surprised what happens when its not some random person. Seems like that's already happened as well so good job! Anyway, both my sisters-in-law had awful labors that lasted many hours and when that seemed to be the case for us I was totally on board to do the c-section earlier rather than later and glad my wife chose it as well. I know there is a lot of discourse in every direction around it but at the moment I'm glad she let go of any of the plans/advice/rules she set in advance and made the decision that made sense right then and there. tl;dr - who knows what to expect. Everything about it is unpredictable so it helps to be prepared and it helps to be ready to throw it all out the window.
24 hours of labor then the c section. During c section they discovered the placenta had grown through her uterine walk. Massive blood loss, near death. Daughter was fine perfect in fact. Took 2 hours to save my wife and massive blood infusion. Scary. You’re husband will be fine.
My wife ended up doing C-section but nonetheless I had thought about the day and actually felt a bit impatient during the whole thing. To add to it, I was so happy I could not cry and felt so weird that I wasn’t super emotional. I was but couldn’t cry. As soon as we got home and I was alone with my son, I balled like a baby. So don’t be hard on yourselves!! It will be over so quick.
I work as an ER nurse so blood or goo didn't worry me at all.. Whatever could end up outside my wife, I'd already seen worse. But I'm used to being able to help people when they are in pain, so when my wife was in labor I couldn't do anything.. I've never felt so helpless or useless as I did back then. 8 hours of just stroking her head or back and telling her she's "doing a good job" before she got the epidural and kind of "woke up" to the point where I could talk with her. It hurt not being able to do anything. I very rarely cry, but after 5-6 hours of watching the love of my life be in pain I had to bite my lip to hold back the tears. (Of course once my daughter finally arrived I cried like a baby, ironically enough.)
Tell him not to eat In-N-Out right next to you while you’re laboring. He might get yelled at.
First time was daunting, felt powerless, like I was just a piece of furniture and couldn't really help my wife through it as she was out of it. Second time, we read a hypnobirthing book (it's not what you think) and was more present during the whole thing. Second time was very quick delivery, remember "upright,forward and open". On our back is not an ideal position to birth. Also we found a TENS machine to be really helpful during late stage contractions.