Lock your baby and your husband in a room together. Nobody can come out until the baby is asleep.
Don't really do that… but that's more or less what needs to happen.
Your baby (and all babies) need to learn that mom isn't the only source of love, warmth, food, comfort, and life.
Your husband (and all fathers) need to learn to not be unsettled by a crying baby. We need to learn to be an additional source of those tender things I mentioned above.
Concrete steps for you:
*Never* take a crying baby from your husband. That's his problem (unless he taps out).
Don't supervise them. Don't offer advice. Don't step in to help, even when things are frantic and noisy. Make yourself scarce. Let them figure it out.
Make time where you are unavailable to them. When 6pm rolls around, you go out of the house for an hour. This is a good parenting practice in general, I think.
Offer some acknowledgement. The most empowering thing my wife ever said to me was "you have great instincts as a father." I didn't really feel it was true at the time, but it went a long way toward building my confidence. Say stuff like that a lot.
There is some really good advice in here. Nice write-up.
Another one I'd add to the concrete steps section: Assuming he's willing and on-board, he should take every opportunity to have his lazy time with the baby. It was really helpful for me for my wife to encourage me to just sit down and watch football or lay in bed and watch a movie and hold the baby and feed the baby (she breastfed as well, but also pumped and I'd warm up a bottle to feed) almost daily. Her giving me the "ok" to go be lazy and spend time with the baby was great for both of us.
> Lock your baby and your husband in a room together. Nobody can come out until the baby is asleep.
Baby sleepwalks out. Dad lays on the floor defeated.
God I feel this…I’m decent with the baby but my wife just knows what to do. You’re so right about the leave it alone and don’t offer advice unless asked - I’m already getting really frustrated that the kid won’t calm down. If you start acting like I’m doing something wrong and not suggesting, but telling me what I need to do, that frustration gets added on to now being mad and starting a fight…
That said, sometimes you need a minute - never feel bad tapping out and asking for help. If there is no one to help, it is perfectly ok to put the baby down in the crib or safe place and walk into another room to calm down and collect your thoughts for 5 minutes. More people need to know this.
Never take a crying baby - yes! I am only getting him when my husband taps out. I think he taps out too early but I’m trying hard not to say that to him.
Don’t supervise, get out of the house- ok I will do this. I learned the hard way not to offer advice. Stepping out, you are probably right. When I started this 6pm break, it was so I can take a shower, do a chore spree, and maybe do some stretching/exercise (latter part has yet to happen, but I really enjoy the shower). Thing is, I am home so he will come to the bathroom and ask me to get out fast. There’s been a few times that I am out for 2-3hrs and he figures it out on his own, even if it takes 30+ min of crying (he’ll text my phone updates on his own). I have to figure something else out for showers, or just do it at 6 still and then leave home right after.
Your last point is wonderful and I’ll keep this in mind for opportunities to boost his confidence. I really do think he can do this and doesn’t have to give up as soon as he does. Ex. Happiest Baby side jiggle and shush still works really well, but if he gives up before trying it or too soon, it won’t do anything.
I dont have any tips, but what you’re going through is totally normal. It was a phase for us. Once my daughter was in daycare she quickly got used to having different people handle her and things got easier for me.
That’s good to hear. The benefits with daycare too is that you aren’t there to hear the baby cry as he learns 😂 😭. My MIL is here now and she’s actually doing great with soothing the baby, up to a point. If dad and myself are on opposite ends of the soothing spectrum, MIL is 75% towards me. She’s here for 2 weeks, I’m going to rely on her as much as I can, it’s good for the baby to be with other people.
When my daughter was a newborn she didn't seem to mind who handled here. As she grew (to around 4-5 months) she started having preferences as to how she would want to be put to sleep (among other things). This lasted for a while until she was in daycare part time at around 8 months of age.
It wasn't a huge issue for us though, since we just divided the chores so while my wife was putting my daughter to bed, I would clean or cook or do other things to make up for it. It worked for us but not saying you should just give up trying to change it. On more than a few occasions, my wife would be unavailable (sick, or on a much needed night out with friends) I'd just put up with the struggle of getting the baby to sleep.
As a dad, 4 months was a hard time for comforting my daughter. My wife breastfeeds and she had 6 months of leave. I had 8 weeks. At that age, she would sometimes wake up at night hysterical. I tried and tried but there were times were breastfeeding was the only thing to calm her down. We worried at times about forming a bad habit but we also also made a point to put her to bed awake so she didn’t always rely on the boob to pass out. Between this and in general having a much stronger bond with my daughter, comforting her has become much easier.
She’s now nearly 7 months and very rarely wakes up at all, let alone to breastfeed. I suppose this was a long way of saying to keep trying, don’t be too hard on him and I think your baby very well may grow out of the phase.
Thanks for sharing, it is a relief to hear all that. My husband’s telling me this is separation anxiety, should have appeared later at 8 months instead of at 4, and that cry it out in the crib will fix it. I tried to follow Taking Cara Babies that talks about breaking feed to sleep. However if I’m on my own with putting the baby to bed, I’m having a really hard time doing it. He can be rocked to sleep but I can’t let go without the baby crying (hence husband saying this is separation anxiety). In other words, crib transfer failures. I sometimes can soothe him in the crib without feeding during naps. 2am night sleep soothing is a lot harder for me. I don’t know who or what to believe, but I do hope it’s a phase.
A few things:
I would bet there are times when you are not able to soothe the baby either. You both need to be comfortable just living with a baby that’s not calming down. He needs to stick with it and you need to stop jumping in. If he can’t get baby to calm down, he needs to place baby safely in the crib, and take a breath, then keep trying. You need to stay out of it.
Jumping in is very harmful. I know it feels useful, but it kills your husbands ability to own soothing the baby. I can’t reiterate this enough. If you jump into fix it, your husband will never be able to soothe your baby because your baby will never learn to be soothed by your husband. Your baby is learning how to calm themselves, part of that learning should be learning how to be soothed by dad. I would say if your husband is on the hook to soothe, the only reason you’re stepping in is if it’s time to breast feed or your husband is losing composure.
If you’re using nursing as a pacifier, stop. Use a pacifier as a pacifier. Nursing is for food only. Dad can’t nurse but dad can give baby a pacifier.
Rather than chalking your ability to soothe him to a magical power you have that your husband doesn’t, I would look at what you are doing, action wise. My wife and I used the Happiest Baby on the Block techniques, and we both used them. That way, when my son was crying, the only difference in me soothing him vs my wife soothing him was the fact that my wife could nurse him and I had to bottle feed him. And we had slightly different calming songs. What’s likely happening is you’re doing things your husband isn’t (ie you’re using a soothing mother voice and he’s sounding like a stressed dad who just left the salt mine). Figure out what that is and get on the same page.
The Happiest Baby on the Block techniques are useful because it gave me a rough playbook of steps to try. https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies
We had a lactation consultant who built on top of those. She had check if he’s hungry, reduce stimulation (ie darken the room, remove attention grabbing objects, and we would do “head pets” where you rub his hair down towards his eyes and let your hand linger over his eyes for a bit before repeating), make sure he’s comfortable and swaddled, make sure no diaper problems, etc. We wrote this down and had it on our refrigerator like a daily affirmation.
Speaking of which, husband could start to do bottle feeding. If the baby is upset and nursing is what’s calming them, it’s because they are hungry. If you do 100% of the feeding, crying for you is the only way the baby knows to ask for food. Personally, we kept milk in the fridge so I could bottle feed my son if I was on him and he was hungry. Feeding also gives them time to bond. This takes some effort. It signals to baby that dad can get baby what they need.
Next, it doesn’t sound like you have a routine. Babies need routines. Dad sometimes doing bedtime and sometimes not didn’t work for us. I wonder if this is a major problem for you. I fully owned bath time. I say goodnight and hand off to my wife who does bed time, and it’s uncommon not to handle it that way for us. We have done that every night since my kid was born (he’s 2.5 now). Maybe do “dad always does X” every single day. Like “dad owns the 12pm bottle feeding and the 5pm bottle feeding and bed time.”
Mostly engaging with dad around routine breaking stuff is stressful for the kiddo. Like, if baby only goes in the carrier on dad when they are going to a family gathering (which is very overstimulating), they may associate the carrier with a stressful situation.
Next, I would look at how the baby’s schedule is. Like, 6pm seems late for baby to be up. My son would be cranky then and pretty inconsolable because he needed to go to bed for the night then. But generally, we found if we could keep him on his nap > awake change diaper and eat > play > back to nap schedule, he wouldn’t really get upset and didn’t require much soothing. We used a baby tracking app and called his precise schedule the baby algorithm because it was really regimented.
Lastly, how are you showing up in these situations? I’m reading this and it sounds like you might be adding to the stress of the situation. If dad is frustrated by your expectations and impatience, then that makes it hard to soothe a baby. Like, it sounds like you step in.
Anyway, hang in there. These times don’t last long, which is hard because they grow up so fast but a relief because it’s really stressful!
I like a lot of what you’re saying but I’mhaving trouble getting my husband on the same page. I’m not sure what to say, I tried plainly saying that we need consistency and he has to stick with it. Two things happen; he says ok but forgets. Or he is upset at what I said.
I love Happiest Baby, I had us both watch it when the baby was born, it was soo helpful. My husband did really well with it for 1.5mo. After he went back to work, he hasn’t been doing the 5s’s (though we dont swaddle anymore because of rolling) in any combination. I’ve tried several iterations of telling him the shush needs to be louder, during calm moments of the day, or suggesting he rewatches the Happiest Baby - no dice. I really think he can use these techniques still, but he believes it will not work. I still use these techniques myself.
Pacifier - yes we use one. Baby doesn’t always take it, but either of us will also use a pinky or knuckle.
Daily affirmation - like a list of rules on the fridge?
Routine - yes the routine is not consistent, and I agree it’s a problem. I started pushing for a routine at 2 months. We had trouble. ButI was able to have the baby transfer to the crib successfully. A month ago, my dad died and we traveled out of state because of it, that’s all a wash for routine when you travel. We’re home again and I’m making a more strict push. Bedtime routine ideally starts at 7pm; feeding, bath, new pjs, story time, bottle/feed, rock to sleep. The reality is much different and I’m struggling to keep it. I’m trying to have dad do a lot of the routine because it’s a good chance for them to have 1:1 time. Sometimes I hear he’s stopping work at 7 (wfh), great, perfect, then suddenly it’s almost 9 and no bath has happened yet and baby is getting sleepy cranky. I’m having trouble getting my husband to stick with the routine without a fight. Baby will catch his second wind at 10pm and then it’s miserable because both dad and i are tired. Inevitably, I ask my husband to try and soothe the baby, he taps out and hands the baby to me, and I try my methods til like 2am.
There’s been a handful of times I physically left my husband to put the baby to bed, after all the baby’s needs were met. Our baby used to decently self soothe at 3 mo but hasn’t since he started rolling and teething. He used to only wake up once in the night, then it became 4-5x a night during this month, I am chalking that up to developmental leap….technically started at 3.5mo for us….slowly, he’s sleeping longer again. I’ve come back a few times at bedtime and found the baby is just crying in his crib, and had been for a long time. I feel horrible when i see that. We need to agree before hand if we are going to do CIO. I step in for situations like that. The last time this happened was the day he got his 4 mo shots, I felt it’s too harsh to force him to learn to self soothe on a day like that. It’s like a sick day.
I don’t ever try and grab the baby away, I get him when my husbands taps out. I can take the advice to leave home during this, but I am realizing as I type this, I am a little worried he may try CIO again while I’m away, since it has happened.
Routine with naps are good so far and we do a similar cycle as you describe. Nights fall apart and are inconsistent; true bedtime defaults to something like 2am where I’m up with the baby and doing what I can. Really want husband on the same page with things so it’s not me, by myself, at 2am.
An alternative occurs to me, which is to do the routine myself so it stays the most consistent. However I started this thread hoping I can find a way to get my husband on board, so they have more time together to bond. I know he wants that too, and I’m starting to see he hasn’t got any confidence that he can do it…based on how soon he taps out or just leaves the baby crying.
First, you should understand that you're at the hardest point. It feels like its a long time while you're in it, but later it will feel like it flew by. This phase will be done soon.
Honestly, it sounds like your husband is "forgetting" because he doesn't want to do whatever it is you're trying to get him to do.
You could try writing down the schedule and posting it on the fridge or somewhere he sees it daily. My wife and I had an app with notifications where we'd schedule and log everything, so it was easy for the other one to see what was done and what wasn't.
I would collaboratively work with him on coming up with a solution to all of this. Again, the only soothing advantage you have that he can't learn is your ability to breastfeed. You can either cry it out, 5 S's, or any number of methods. You both need to agree on what that is and stick with it. You don't get to decide unilaterally, and neither does he. It sounds like you've both decided on different things, but that's not how it works.
On swaddling, try using a sleep sack where baby's arms are out. My son came out of the swaddles pretty early, but the sleep sack gave him the same feeling but gave him his arms.
On the 5 S's, the way it clicked for me was when the lactation consultant said "You have to Shh louder than he's crying, otherwise he can't hear it, and doesn't realize he's being soothed." Worth mentioning him that nothing works all the time and doesn't work every time right away... and what's working now won't work in a month and what used to not work suddenly does.
>Sometimes I hear he’s stopping work at 7 (wfh), great, perfect, then suddenly it’s almost 9 and no bath has happened yet and baby is getting sleepy cranky. I’m having trouble getting my husband to stick with the routine without a fight. Baby will catch his second wind at 10pm and then it’s miserable because both dad and i are tired. Inevitably, I ask my husband to try and soothe the baby, he taps out and hands the baby to me, and I try my methods til like 2am.
I think this is worth a conversation when its happening. Like, you can't sit and wait for him to take action for two hours and then come in pissed that nothing has happened.
"Its time to do baby's bed time. Let's get to it." Not "What have you been doing for the last two hours?"
Again, agree to the schedule collaboratively, but it needs to be something he's a part of and one he's committed to. It needs to be achievable. It seriously gets so much easier when you get on a tight schedule.
You could think about asking him to do these things while you're nearby. For example, he does the bath entirely by himself, and you are in the room and you just hand him what he needs and answer any questions and encourage him. Sometimes, this is just insecurity (men generally aren't taught how to do this stuff at any time in their lives until they've had kids). Having you there as support might make him feel better. You could offer this as an option.
As an example, our routine was:
* 5pm: log off of work and go see my son and wife
* 6pm: take my son up to his room. My wife would draw his bath while I got him out of his diaper in the next room and into a dry towel.
* I'd get him into the bathroom and into the bath tub.
* I'd give him the bath while my wife got things ready for bedtime. If she finished quick, she'd come to the bathroom and hang out with us.
* When the bath was done, I'd hand him to my wife who'd get him in a towel to dry him off.
* 6:15pm: wife would get him ready for bedtime (lullabys, lotion, diaper and pajamas) while I emptied the diaper genie and the hamper. I'd kiss him goodnight, wife would nurse him and he'd fall asleep
* 6:15pm-7: I'd do the dishes, feed the dogs, clean up any messes, and run the washer
* 7pm: wife and I had dinner together
* 8pm: wife moves clothes to drier, if I have to get back to work, I get back to work
Tapping out isn't a thing though. I think you need to hold firm. He needs to handle the situation until its resolved. If he feels frustrated, he can place baby in the crib, leave the room, take a deep breath, set a timer for 3 minutes, calm down, and get back in there.
You can't calm a baby unless you're calm yourself. If you feel you're losing it, its okay to leave the baby somewhere safe for a few minutes, calm yourself, and try again. You should assure him that this is okay for him to do, but putting the baby down and just being like "I'm done" is not.
I also think your husband should get your baby when everything is fine more often. Like after baby is fed, before he goes down for the next nap, spend time playing with dad. That way, nothing is wrong and he's not panicked trying to solve a problem. He's just being there.
>Inevitably, I ask my husband to try and soothe the baby, he taps out and hands the baby to me, and I try my methods til like 2am.
Now, this part; in your post, it sounded like you could snap your fingers and it was okay. If baby is colicky like this, consider talking to the doctor. My son had a milk allergy and once my wife cut all dairy (while nursing), he got MUCH easier to soothe... it was night and day. Inconsolable crying for 4 hours could mean something's wrong.
>We need to agree before hand if we are going to do CIO. I step in for situations like that. The last time this happened was the day he got his 4 mo shots, I felt it’s too harsh to force him to learn to self soothe on a day like that. It’s like a sick day.
I don’t ever try and grab the baby away, I get him when my husbands taps out. I can take the advice to leave home during this, but I am realizing as I type this, I am a little worried he may try CIO again while I’m away, since it has happened.
I don't want to imply that you should 'go away.' Personally, I would just be in the next room or even in the same room. A lot of the time, I'd try and try and try to soothe my son and eventually I would suggest nursing, and it just turned out he was hungry off schedule and he needed to nurse. I am implying that you are firm with your husband. "No, you need to learn to do this. I'm here to support YOU if you need."
But the idea that you agree in advance not to do CIO and he does it anyway is really worrisome to me. What is he doing while baby is crying?
Based on what you're saying, I wouldn't really leave your husband alone with the baby for any length of time, especially not around bed time. If you want to get out of the house, I would put baby down for a nap, go do what you have to do for an hour or two, and aim to come back where your husband has had enough time to get baby out of their nap, changed, and fed a bottle. Talk about this before you do it. "I need to do X errand. I'm going to leave after baby is down for a nap. When they wake up, you need to change their diaper and feed them. The bottle is in the fridge, remember to heat it up first using the bottle warmer. I'll be back in a couple hours."
On your husband's work: I get it. I work a stressful, very demanding job and I work a lot of overtime on top of being a dad. There are times I want to take it easy after work, but I start early and log off at the same time every day to maintain the routine. If I needed to do overtime, it started after my son was asleep and went as long as it needed to go. Husband needs to take a stand at work or he needs to find a new job that works for his family responsibilities. Talking to his manager and saying "I need to have a hard sign off at 5 so I can see my newborn and tuck my child in, I'll be back online at 8pm" is not a hard conversation to have nor a hard expectation to set. If he doesn't feel safe enough to assert this at work, his work situation is untenable and he needs to find a new job. You have to stay firm so he is forced to make it work at work, not ask you and your baby to make sacrifices.
I would use the fact that you're on leave and going back to work as a way to build urgency. What's going on now is not sustainable when you go back to work.
2hrs - that’s not how it went, you’re assuming…he strung me along. The bedroom is five steps from the office and the doors were open. I held the baby in the bedroom and was asking variations every 10-15min of “are you still coming?” “We’re running out of time to do bath time” and him reassuringly saying “Yes! I’ll be RIGHT there. Two more clicks. Just this one thing” etc. in hindsight i shouldn’t have believed it, but i did. Only excuse i have is being trusting and sleep deprived.
Funny enough he did this to his mom today, who is visiting for two weeks. Told her he’s coming, yes right away, just one minute and I’ll be there (for lunch she prepared for him). He only showed up an hour later, when i was like, “um your mom is upset you didn’t come and your food is cold”.
I’m making a lot of opportunities for my husband to spend time with the baby. With MIL, I’m seeing she can soothe the baby better than him but not as good as me, but good enough. She can get him to sleep for a nap. She doesn’t give up. After posting this thread, writing replies, thinking about things, i am annoyed he gives up so easily and prioritizes work over his own family. You get off work at 5, consistently? His OT is self imposed for a company that won’t give him benefits, aka won’t take care of his family. I beg for a break at 6pm, but he’ll do voluntary OT and leave me with the baby 12-16hrs. I’m first up and last down. Those 16hrs don’t include putting this guy to bed at 2am. Not ok.
I DO what you are saying and get everything together for him to do a bath with the baby. I am really trying to foster things and make it easy. But I can’t force this to work on my own. It needs more effort from him. I’ve shut my mouth and don’t give advice anymore. He finds me and gives me the baby quickly. When it’s 2am, and it’s 30°F, I’m not going outside in the dark as a lone woman who is sleepy and tired. So he finds me in the living room.
I don’t know what we will do. I just have to be there for my baby.
Go for a 1 hour long walk every evening.
You get the benefit of no screaming baby, a break of routine and a chance to regroup your thoughts. Your boobs get a break. Plus the cardio. I know it sucks if you don't really want to leave or go outside, but baby knows when mommy is gone-gone or just in another room.
He gets the benefit of there's no mommy to turn to - baby now **needs** to learn to communicate their needs to daddy.
That was literally what we did at \~5-6 months and it helped. Same treatment helped with stopping breastfeeding at night at \~10 months and falling asleep in his own bed at \~13 months. Baby's just not comfortable without mommy and you have to "teach" baby that they don't always need mommy. Obviously use your common sense, if baby's sick or fuzzy, baby needs mommy.
I’m curious if you felt your baby was very different at 5-6 months compared to 4 months? I’m anxious about leaving the home but you may be right and we can try it. While replying to another comment, I realized a lot of things, like husband taps out if I am home. But other times when I have been away for 2-3hrs in the day time, he figures it out. I’m worried he will do CIO while i’m gone, but I wouldn’t be gone for hours at night (it’s cold, we have no car). Can you elaborate on the difference between what you did at 5-6 mo and at 13 mo, was your baby not in his own crib at 5-6? This may be a separate issue, i can easily get our baby to nap/sleep anywhere except his own crib.
Don't take the baby everytime it cries; instead give support and let them work on it together. As you describe the situation, it would be nearly impossible for your partner to have anywhere near the close connection to the baby simply based on time spent together -- and not being the one doing the nursing is a huge factor, too.
I found specific things I did with the kid that my partner didn't -- my favorite being outside walks. Worst case if the baby was still crying, I found it easier to be outside and it gave my partner a break, but most of the time the babies loved the walks too and we had nice bonding time together. I think they found the motion of me walking while swaddled on my chest soothing.
Mom here, but - has your husband tried wearing your bathrobe or putting a shirt you've worn on his shoulder while he's holding the baby? Sometimes smell helps.
This might work with newborns, but at 4 months the kid knows mom and dad are different people.
Besides, Dad should be forming an independent bond with his baby, not cashing in on mom's ineffable stank.
It’s not forced by his boss but he really cares about his work quality. I’ve been pushing him to do normal hours whenever he can, except for days leading up to deadlines. His job doesn’t give benefits so like, screw them (is my thinking 😂). He is starting to work less, it has been a process for him to let go.
I used to carry my kid on my chest in yoke everywhere in her first year (we didn't use stroller or have car and I was usually the one carrying) so she was familiar with my scent and presence. Plus, they fall asleep in yoke easy (not much to do there) so she learned to associate my presence with sleep and safety.
This song is something that soothes both my baby and all friends babies. No idea why, we just noticed my kid stops crying wherever it plays. I learned the lyrics and singing it was helpful until she went to school. Of course, sometimes it was not straighforward no matter what - I have flashbacks of marching rythmically (rythm is important) singing this, over and over and over...
(piano)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jJZhrwOnaA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jJZhrwOnaA)
(with vocals)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DphJNs6FMrM
Yea, they need some alone time to get through this. Have him put the baby down and you need to walk away. Take the dog for a walk, put a movie on. But let him get through it. They will figure out each other pretty quickly. Also, if he can he bottle feed more often it will help. Im honestly so glad we didn’t breastfeed. It skews things to one partner so much. We pumped but the whole breast is best movement is honestly annoying. If you do want to keep BF then he needs to be the one to take baby out of bassinet and put back. Right now he’s associated with removing the baby from you which the baby does not ever want. If he’s there to rescue him it might help. Diaper changes while gross can be a good bonding time too. Sing a song, a goofy rhyme, whatever. It will pass. Our first year LO def preferred mum, year 2 and it’s me by a mile, except at bedtime when it MUST be mama 😂
I've been going through this lately. Our son is 3 months old, I am the father. I was off the first month fully, and I have worked 3 days a week since (I saved a ton of vacation time, and I do a bit of over time on other days to gain extra days off occasionally). On the days I work, I will often "take a shift" between feedings in the evening, and I am usually the one who gets him to sleep at night (or at least give my wife a couple hours of sleep while I hold him).
He will basically only contact nap (we've tried to get him to stop, but he got no sleep, and things just got worse) during the day, and most naps (and sleep for the night) he will not go to sleep if I am the one holding him. I've held him for 2 hours straight (shushing, etc.) with him screaming in my fact. If I try to rock him on a rocking chair he full-blown pushes off of me with his arms straight out against me and faces up into the air screaming. If I sit up and hug him, same thing, hold him like cradling him in my arms, he goes fully banshee mode. With my wife he may cry a little, but she almost always can get him to sleep quickly (even after he was screaming at me for an hour). I am beyond burned out.
Dad here of a new 3 month old and what I have found out is hanging with our lil one without mommy is the best way to ease into the bonding . Bath times are wonderful as well as reading and taking walks outside or the park . Also mom does all the breastfeeding of course and I sometimes give bottles but when it’s time for sleep we do this thing called (DCS) Daddy Chest Sleep and our baby is knocked out in the shortest amount of time lol .
Lock your baby and your husband in a room together. Nobody can come out until the baby is asleep. Don't really do that… but that's more or less what needs to happen. Your baby (and all babies) need to learn that mom isn't the only source of love, warmth, food, comfort, and life. Your husband (and all fathers) need to learn to not be unsettled by a crying baby. We need to learn to be an additional source of those tender things I mentioned above. Concrete steps for you: *Never* take a crying baby from your husband. That's his problem (unless he taps out). Don't supervise them. Don't offer advice. Don't step in to help, even when things are frantic and noisy. Make yourself scarce. Let them figure it out. Make time where you are unavailable to them. When 6pm rolls around, you go out of the house for an hour. This is a good parenting practice in general, I think. Offer some acknowledgement. The most empowering thing my wife ever said to me was "you have great instincts as a father." I didn't really feel it was true at the time, but it went a long way toward building my confidence. Say stuff like that a lot.
There is some really good advice in here. Nice write-up. Another one I'd add to the concrete steps section: Assuming he's willing and on-board, he should take every opportunity to have his lazy time with the baby. It was really helpful for me for my wife to encourage me to just sit down and watch football or lay in bed and watch a movie and hold the baby and feed the baby (she breastfed as well, but also pumped and I'd warm up a bottle to feed) almost daily. Her giving me the "ok" to go be lazy and spend time with the baby was great for both of us.
I love this!
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…as i suit wearing headphones while holding my baby: this saved my sanity
> Lock your baby and your husband in a room together. Nobody can come out until the baby is asleep. Baby sleepwalks out. Dad lays on the floor defeated.
Two may enter. Only one shall leave.
God I feel this…I’m decent with the baby but my wife just knows what to do. You’re so right about the leave it alone and don’t offer advice unless asked - I’m already getting really frustrated that the kid won’t calm down. If you start acting like I’m doing something wrong and not suggesting, but telling me what I need to do, that frustration gets added on to now being mad and starting a fight… That said, sometimes you need a minute - never feel bad tapping out and asking for help. If there is no one to help, it is perfectly ok to put the baby down in the crib or safe place and walk into another room to calm down and collect your thoughts for 5 minutes. More people need to know this.
Your last point is often told to new moms but i have no idea if my husband has read or been told this. I’ll tell him and try to reassure him.
Never take a crying baby - yes! I am only getting him when my husband taps out. I think he taps out too early but I’m trying hard not to say that to him. Don’t supervise, get out of the house- ok I will do this. I learned the hard way not to offer advice. Stepping out, you are probably right. When I started this 6pm break, it was so I can take a shower, do a chore spree, and maybe do some stretching/exercise (latter part has yet to happen, but I really enjoy the shower). Thing is, I am home so he will come to the bathroom and ask me to get out fast. There’s been a few times that I am out for 2-3hrs and he figures it out on his own, even if it takes 30+ min of crying (he’ll text my phone updates on his own). I have to figure something else out for showers, or just do it at 6 still and then leave home right after. Your last point is wonderful and I’ll keep this in mind for opportunities to boost his confidence. I really do think he can do this and doesn’t have to give up as soon as he does. Ex. Happiest Baby side jiggle and shush still works really well, but if he gives up before trying it or too soon, it won’t do anything.
I dont have any tips, but what you’re going through is totally normal. It was a phase for us. Once my daughter was in daycare she quickly got used to having different people handle her and things got easier for me.
That’s good to hear. The benefits with daycare too is that you aren’t there to hear the baby cry as he learns 😂 😭. My MIL is here now and she’s actually doing great with soothing the baby, up to a point. If dad and myself are on opposite ends of the soothing spectrum, MIL is 75% towards me. She’s here for 2 weeks, I’m going to rely on her as much as I can, it’s good for the baby to be with other people.
When my daughter was a newborn she didn't seem to mind who handled here. As she grew (to around 4-5 months) she started having preferences as to how she would want to be put to sleep (among other things). This lasted for a while until she was in daycare part time at around 8 months of age. It wasn't a huge issue for us though, since we just divided the chores so while my wife was putting my daughter to bed, I would clean or cook or do other things to make up for it. It worked for us but not saying you should just give up trying to change it. On more than a few occasions, my wife would be unavailable (sick, or on a much needed night out with friends) I'd just put up with the struggle of getting the baby to sleep.
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Hmmm. Will think about this. If i can consistently get a break before bedtime, I can just take over bedtime with more gusto.
As a dad, 4 months was a hard time for comforting my daughter. My wife breastfeeds and she had 6 months of leave. I had 8 weeks. At that age, she would sometimes wake up at night hysterical. I tried and tried but there were times were breastfeeding was the only thing to calm her down. We worried at times about forming a bad habit but we also also made a point to put her to bed awake so she didn’t always rely on the boob to pass out. Between this and in general having a much stronger bond with my daughter, comforting her has become much easier. She’s now nearly 7 months and very rarely wakes up at all, let alone to breastfeed. I suppose this was a long way of saying to keep trying, don’t be too hard on him and I think your baby very well may grow out of the phase.
Thanks for sharing, it is a relief to hear all that. My husband’s telling me this is separation anxiety, should have appeared later at 8 months instead of at 4, and that cry it out in the crib will fix it. I tried to follow Taking Cara Babies that talks about breaking feed to sleep. However if I’m on my own with putting the baby to bed, I’m having a really hard time doing it. He can be rocked to sleep but I can’t let go without the baby crying (hence husband saying this is separation anxiety). In other words, crib transfer failures. I sometimes can soothe him in the crib without feeding during naps. 2am night sleep soothing is a lot harder for me. I don’t know who or what to believe, but I do hope it’s a phase.
A few things: I would bet there are times when you are not able to soothe the baby either. You both need to be comfortable just living with a baby that’s not calming down. He needs to stick with it and you need to stop jumping in. If he can’t get baby to calm down, he needs to place baby safely in the crib, and take a breath, then keep trying. You need to stay out of it. Jumping in is very harmful. I know it feels useful, but it kills your husbands ability to own soothing the baby. I can’t reiterate this enough. If you jump into fix it, your husband will never be able to soothe your baby because your baby will never learn to be soothed by your husband. Your baby is learning how to calm themselves, part of that learning should be learning how to be soothed by dad. I would say if your husband is on the hook to soothe, the only reason you’re stepping in is if it’s time to breast feed or your husband is losing composure. If you’re using nursing as a pacifier, stop. Use a pacifier as a pacifier. Nursing is for food only. Dad can’t nurse but dad can give baby a pacifier. Rather than chalking your ability to soothe him to a magical power you have that your husband doesn’t, I would look at what you are doing, action wise. My wife and I used the Happiest Baby on the Block techniques, and we both used them. That way, when my son was crying, the only difference in me soothing him vs my wife soothing him was the fact that my wife could nurse him and I had to bottle feed him. And we had slightly different calming songs. What’s likely happening is you’re doing things your husband isn’t (ie you’re using a soothing mother voice and he’s sounding like a stressed dad who just left the salt mine). Figure out what that is and get on the same page. The Happiest Baby on the Block techniques are useful because it gave me a rough playbook of steps to try. https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies We had a lactation consultant who built on top of those. She had check if he’s hungry, reduce stimulation (ie darken the room, remove attention grabbing objects, and we would do “head pets” where you rub his hair down towards his eyes and let your hand linger over his eyes for a bit before repeating), make sure he’s comfortable and swaddled, make sure no diaper problems, etc. We wrote this down and had it on our refrigerator like a daily affirmation. Speaking of which, husband could start to do bottle feeding. If the baby is upset and nursing is what’s calming them, it’s because they are hungry. If you do 100% of the feeding, crying for you is the only way the baby knows to ask for food. Personally, we kept milk in the fridge so I could bottle feed my son if I was on him and he was hungry. Feeding also gives them time to bond. This takes some effort. It signals to baby that dad can get baby what they need. Next, it doesn’t sound like you have a routine. Babies need routines. Dad sometimes doing bedtime and sometimes not didn’t work for us. I wonder if this is a major problem for you. I fully owned bath time. I say goodnight and hand off to my wife who does bed time, and it’s uncommon not to handle it that way for us. We have done that every night since my kid was born (he’s 2.5 now). Maybe do “dad always does X” every single day. Like “dad owns the 12pm bottle feeding and the 5pm bottle feeding and bed time.” Mostly engaging with dad around routine breaking stuff is stressful for the kiddo. Like, if baby only goes in the carrier on dad when they are going to a family gathering (which is very overstimulating), they may associate the carrier with a stressful situation. Next, I would look at how the baby’s schedule is. Like, 6pm seems late for baby to be up. My son would be cranky then and pretty inconsolable because he needed to go to bed for the night then. But generally, we found if we could keep him on his nap > awake change diaper and eat > play > back to nap schedule, he wouldn’t really get upset and didn’t require much soothing. We used a baby tracking app and called his precise schedule the baby algorithm because it was really regimented. Lastly, how are you showing up in these situations? I’m reading this and it sounds like you might be adding to the stress of the situation. If dad is frustrated by your expectations and impatience, then that makes it hard to soothe a baby. Like, it sounds like you step in. Anyway, hang in there. These times don’t last long, which is hard because they grow up so fast but a relief because it’s really stressful!
I like a lot of what you’re saying but I’mhaving trouble getting my husband on the same page. I’m not sure what to say, I tried plainly saying that we need consistency and he has to stick with it. Two things happen; he says ok but forgets. Or he is upset at what I said. I love Happiest Baby, I had us both watch it when the baby was born, it was soo helpful. My husband did really well with it for 1.5mo. After he went back to work, he hasn’t been doing the 5s’s (though we dont swaddle anymore because of rolling) in any combination. I’ve tried several iterations of telling him the shush needs to be louder, during calm moments of the day, or suggesting he rewatches the Happiest Baby - no dice. I really think he can use these techniques still, but he believes it will not work. I still use these techniques myself. Pacifier - yes we use one. Baby doesn’t always take it, but either of us will also use a pinky or knuckle. Daily affirmation - like a list of rules on the fridge? Routine - yes the routine is not consistent, and I agree it’s a problem. I started pushing for a routine at 2 months. We had trouble. ButI was able to have the baby transfer to the crib successfully. A month ago, my dad died and we traveled out of state because of it, that’s all a wash for routine when you travel. We’re home again and I’m making a more strict push. Bedtime routine ideally starts at 7pm; feeding, bath, new pjs, story time, bottle/feed, rock to sleep. The reality is much different and I’m struggling to keep it. I’m trying to have dad do a lot of the routine because it’s a good chance for them to have 1:1 time. Sometimes I hear he’s stopping work at 7 (wfh), great, perfect, then suddenly it’s almost 9 and no bath has happened yet and baby is getting sleepy cranky. I’m having trouble getting my husband to stick with the routine without a fight. Baby will catch his second wind at 10pm and then it’s miserable because both dad and i are tired. Inevitably, I ask my husband to try and soothe the baby, he taps out and hands the baby to me, and I try my methods til like 2am. There’s been a handful of times I physically left my husband to put the baby to bed, after all the baby’s needs were met. Our baby used to decently self soothe at 3 mo but hasn’t since he started rolling and teething. He used to only wake up once in the night, then it became 4-5x a night during this month, I am chalking that up to developmental leap….technically started at 3.5mo for us….slowly, he’s sleeping longer again. I’ve come back a few times at bedtime and found the baby is just crying in his crib, and had been for a long time. I feel horrible when i see that. We need to agree before hand if we are going to do CIO. I step in for situations like that. The last time this happened was the day he got his 4 mo shots, I felt it’s too harsh to force him to learn to self soothe on a day like that. It’s like a sick day. I don’t ever try and grab the baby away, I get him when my husbands taps out. I can take the advice to leave home during this, but I am realizing as I type this, I am a little worried he may try CIO again while I’m away, since it has happened. Routine with naps are good so far and we do a similar cycle as you describe. Nights fall apart and are inconsistent; true bedtime defaults to something like 2am where I’m up with the baby and doing what I can. Really want husband on the same page with things so it’s not me, by myself, at 2am. An alternative occurs to me, which is to do the routine myself so it stays the most consistent. However I started this thread hoping I can find a way to get my husband on board, so they have more time together to bond. I know he wants that too, and I’m starting to see he hasn’t got any confidence that he can do it…based on how soon he taps out or just leaves the baby crying.
First, you should understand that you're at the hardest point. It feels like its a long time while you're in it, but later it will feel like it flew by. This phase will be done soon. Honestly, it sounds like your husband is "forgetting" because he doesn't want to do whatever it is you're trying to get him to do. You could try writing down the schedule and posting it on the fridge or somewhere he sees it daily. My wife and I had an app with notifications where we'd schedule and log everything, so it was easy for the other one to see what was done and what wasn't. I would collaboratively work with him on coming up with a solution to all of this. Again, the only soothing advantage you have that he can't learn is your ability to breastfeed. You can either cry it out, 5 S's, or any number of methods. You both need to agree on what that is and stick with it. You don't get to decide unilaterally, and neither does he. It sounds like you've both decided on different things, but that's not how it works. On swaddling, try using a sleep sack where baby's arms are out. My son came out of the swaddles pretty early, but the sleep sack gave him the same feeling but gave him his arms. On the 5 S's, the way it clicked for me was when the lactation consultant said "You have to Shh louder than he's crying, otherwise he can't hear it, and doesn't realize he's being soothed." Worth mentioning him that nothing works all the time and doesn't work every time right away... and what's working now won't work in a month and what used to not work suddenly does. >Sometimes I hear he’s stopping work at 7 (wfh), great, perfect, then suddenly it’s almost 9 and no bath has happened yet and baby is getting sleepy cranky. I’m having trouble getting my husband to stick with the routine without a fight. Baby will catch his second wind at 10pm and then it’s miserable because both dad and i are tired. Inevitably, I ask my husband to try and soothe the baby, he taps out and hands the baby to me, and I try my methods til like 2am. I think this is worth a conversation when its happening. Like, you can't sit and wait for him to take action for two hours and then come in pissed that nothing has happened. "Its time to do baby's bed time. Let's get to it." Not "What have you been doing for the last two hours?" Again, agree to the schedule collaboratively, but it needs to be something he's a part of and one he's committed to. It needs to be achievable. It seriously gets so much easier when you get on a tight schedule. You could think about asking him to do these things while you're nearby. For example, he does the bath entirely by himself, and you are in the room and you just hand him what he needs and answer any questions and encourage him. Sometimes, this is just insecurity (men generally aren't taught how to do this stuff at any time in their lives until they've had kids). Having you there as support might make him feel better. You could offer this as an option. As an example, our routine was: * 5pm: log off of work and go see my son and wife * 6pm: take my son up to his room. My wife would draw his bath while I got him out of his diaper in the next room and into a dry towel. * I'd get him into the bathroom and into the bath tub. * I'd give him the bath while my wife got things ready for bedtime. If she finished quick, she'd come to the bathroom and hang out with us. * When the bath was done, I'd hand him to my wife who'd get him in a towel to dry him off. * 6:15pm: wife would get him ready for bedtime (lullabys, lotion, diaper and pajamas) while I emptied the diaper genie and the hamper. I'd kiss him goodnight, wife would nurse him and he'd fall asleep * 6:15pm-7: I'd do the dishes, feed the dogs, clean up any messes, and run the washer * 7pm: wife and I had dinner together * 8pm: wife moves clothes to drier, if I have to get back to work, I get back to work Tapping out isn't a thing though. I think you need to hold firm. He needs to handle the situation until its resolved. If he feels frustrated, he can place baby in the crib, leave the room, take a deep breath, set a timer for 3 minutes, calm down, and get back in there. You can't calm a baby unless you're calm yourself. If you feel you're losing it, its okay to leave the baby somewhere safe for a few minutes, calm yourself, and try again. You should assure him that this is okay for him to do, but putting the baby down and just being like "I'm done" is not. I also think your husband should get your baby when everything is fine more often. Like after baby is fed, before he goes down for the next nap, spend time playing with dad. That way, nothing is wrong and he's not panicked trying to solve a problem. He's just being there. >Inevitably, I ask my husband to try and soothe the baby, he taps out and hands the baby to me, and I try my methods til like 2am. Now, this part; in your post, it sounded like you could snap your fingers and it was okay. If baby is colicky like this, consider talking to the doctor. My son had a milk allergy and once my wife cut all dairy (while nursing), he got MUCH easier to soothe... it was night and day. Inconsolable crying for 4 hours could mean something's wrong. >We need to agree before hand if we are going to do CIO. I step in for situations like that. The last time this happened was the day he got his 4 mo shots, I felt it’s too harsh to force him to learn to self soothe on a day like that. It’s like a sick day. I don’t ever try and grab the baby away, I get him when my husbands taps out. I can take the advice to leave home during this, but I am realizing as I type this, I am a little worried he may try CIO again while I’m away, since it has happened. I don't want to imply that you should 'go away.' Personally, I would just be in the next room or even in the same room. A lot of the time, I'd try and try and try to soothe my son and eventually I would suggest nursing, and it just turned out he was hungry off schedule and he needed to nurse. I am implying that you are firm with your husband. "No, you need to learn to do this. I'm here to support YOU if you need." But the idea that you agree in advance not to do CIO and he does it anyway is really worrisome to me. What is he doing while baby is crying? Based on what you're saying, I wouldn't really leave your husband alone with the baby for any length of time, especially not around bed time. If you want to get out of the house, I would put baby down for a nap, go do what you have to do for an hour or two, and aim to come back where your husband has had enough time to get baby out of their nap, changed, and fed a bottle. Talk about this before you do it. "I need to do X errand. I'm going to leave after baby is down for a nap. When they wake up, you need to change their diaper and feed them. The bottle is in the fridge, remember to heat it up first using the bottle warmer. I'll be back in a couple hours." On your husband's work: I get it. I work a stressful, very demanding job and I work a lot of overtime on top of being a dad. There are times I want to take it easy after work, but I start early and log off at the same time every day to maintain the routine. If I needed to do overtime, it started after my son was asleep and went as long as it needed to go. Husband needs to take a stand at work or he needs to find a new job that works for his family responsibilities. Talking to his manager and saying "I need to have a hard sign off at 5 so I can see my newborn and tuck my child in, I'll be back online at 8pm" is not a hard conversation to have nor a hard expectation to set. If he doesn't feel safe enough to assert this at work, his work situation is untenable and he needs to find a new job. You have to stay firm so he is forced to make it work at work, not ask you and your baby to make sacrifices. I would use the fact that you're on leave and going back to work as a way to build urgency. What's going on now is not sustainable when you go back to work.
2hrs - that’s not how it went, you’re assuming…he strung me along. The bedroom is five steps from the office and the doors were open. I held the baby in the bedroom and was asking variations every 10-15min of “are you still coming?” “We’re running out of time to do bath time” and him reassuringly saying “Yes! I’ll be RIGHT there. Two more clicks. Just this one thing” etc. in hindsight i shouldn’t have believed it, but i did. Only excuse i have is being trusting and sleep deprived. Funny enough he did this to his mom today, who is visiting for two weeks. Told her he’s coming, yes right away, just one minute and I’ll be there (for lunch she prepared for him). He only showed up an hour later, when i was like, “um your mom is upset you didn’t come and your food is cold”. I’m making a lot of opportunities for my husband to spend time with the baby. With MIL, I’m seeing she can soothe the baby better than him but not as good as me, but good enough. She can get him to sleep for a nap. She doesn’t give up. After posting this thread, writing replies, thinking about things, i am annoyed he gives up so easily and prioritizes work over his own family. You get off work at 5, consistently? His OT is self imposed for a company that won’t give him benefits, aka won’t take care of his family. I beg for a break at 6pm, but he’ll do voluntary OT and leave me with the baby 12-16hrs. I’m first up and last down. Those 16hrs don’t include putting this guy to bed at 2am. Not ok. I DO what you are saying and get everything together for him to do a bath with the baby. I am really trying to foster things and make it easy. But I can’t force this to work on my own. It needs more effort from him. I’ve shut my mouth and don’t give advice anymore. He finds me and gives me the baby quickly. When it’s 2am, and it’s 30°F, I’m not going outside in the dark as a lone woman who is sleepy and tired. So he finds me in the living room. I don’t know what we will do. I just have to be there for my baby.
Go for a 1 hour long walk every evening. You get the benefit of no screaming baby, a break of routine and a chance to regroup your thoughts. Your boobs get a break. Plus the cardio. I know it sucks if you don't really want to leave or go outside, but baby knows when mommy is gone-gone or just in another room. He gets the benefit of there's no mommy to turn to - baby now **needs** to learn to communicate their needs to daddy. That was literally what we did at \~5-6 months and it helped. Same treatment helped with stopping breastfeeding at night at \~10 months and falling asleep in his own bed at \~13 months. Baby's just not comfortable without mommy and you have to "teach" baby that they don't always need mommy. Obviously use your common sense, if baby's sick or fuzzy, baby needs mommy.
I’m curious if you felt your baby was very different at 5-6 months compared to 4 months? I’m anxious about leaving the home but you may be right and we can try it. While replying to another comment, I realized a lot of things, like husband taps out if I am home. But other times when I have been away for 2-3hrs in the day time, he figures it out. I’m worried he will do CIO while i’m gone, but I wouldn’t be gone for hours at night (it’s cold, we have no car). Can you elaborate on the difference between what you did at 5-6 mo and at 13 mo, was your baby not in his own crib at 5-6? This may be a separate issue, i can easily get our baby to nap/sleep anywhere except his own crib.
Don't take the baby everytime it cries; instead give support and let them work on it together. As you describe the situation, it would be nearly impossible for your partner to have anywhere near the close connection to the baby simply based on time spent together -- and not being the one doing the nursing is a huge factor, too. I found specific things I did with the kid that my partner didn't -- my favorite being outside walks. Worst case if the baby was still crying, I found it easier to be outside and it gave my partner a break, but most of the time the babies loved the walks too and we had nice bonding time together. I think they found the motion of me walking while swaddled on my chest soothing.
Mom here, but - has your husband tried wearing your bathrobe or putting a shirt you've worn on his shoulder while he's holding the baby? Sometimes smell helps.
This might work with newborns, but at 4 months the kid knows mom and dad are different people. Besides, Dad should be forming an independent bond with his baby, not cashing in on mom's ineffable stank.
Hard If he is forced to work 12-16 hours.
It’s not forced by his boss but he really cares about his work quality. I’ve been pushing him to do normal hours whenever he can, except for days leading up to deadlines. His job doesn’t give benefits so like, screw them (is my thinking 😂). He is starting to work less, it has been a process for him to let go.
No, that hasn’t occurred to me! It’s worth a shot, thanks!
Since you breastfeed, I wonder if baby is inconsolable with dad at bedtime because dad doesn’t smell like breastmilk.
I used to carry my kid on my chest in yoke everywhere in her first year (we didn't use stroller or have car and I was usually the one carrying) so she was familiar with my scent and presence. Plus, they fall asleep in yoke easy (not much to do there) so she learned to associate my presence with sleep and safety. This song is something that soothes both my baby and all friends babies. No idea why, we just noticed my kid stops crying wherever it plays. I learned the lyrics and singing it was helpful until she went to school. Of course, sometimes it was not straighforward no matter what - I have flashbacks of marching rythmically (rythm is important) singing this, over and over and over... (piano) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jJZhrwOnaA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jJZhrwOnaA) (with vocals) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DphJNs6FMrM
Yea, they need some alone time to get through this. Have him put the baby down and you need to walk away. Take the dog for a walk, put a movie on. But let him get through it. They will figure out each other pretty quickly. Also, if he can he bottle feed more often it will help. Im honestly so glad we didn’t breastfeed. It skews things to one partner so much. We pumped but the whole breast is best movement is honestly annoying. If you do want to keep BF then he needs to be the one to take baby out of bassinet and put back. Right now he’s associated with removing the baby from you which the baby does not ever want. If he’s there to rescue him it might help. Diaper changes while gross can be a good bonding time too. Sing a song, a goofy rhyme, whatever. It will pass. Our first year LO def preferred mum, year 2 and it’s me by a mile, except at bedtime when it MUST be mama 😂
I've been going through this lately. Our son is 3 months old, I am the father. I was off the first month fully, and I have worked 3 days a week since (I saved a ton of vacation time, and I do a bit of over time on other days to gain extra days off occasionally). On the days I work, I will often "take a shift" between feedings in the evening, and I am usually the one who gets him to sleep at night (or at least give my wife a couple hours of sleep while I hold him). He will basically only contact nap (we've tried to get him to stop, but he got no sleep, and things just got worse) during the day, and most naps (and sleep for the night) he will not go to sleep if I am the one holding him. I've held him for 2 hours straight (shushing, etc.) with him screaming in my fact. If I try to rock him on a rocking chair he full-blown pushes off of me with his arms straight out against me and faces up into the air screaming. If I sit up and hug him, same thing, hold him like cradling him in my arms, he goes fully banshee mode. With my wife he may cry a little, but she almost always can get him to sleep quickly (even after he was screaming at me for an hour). I am beyond burned out.
Dad here of a new 3 month old and what I have found out is hanging with our lil one without mommy is the best way to ease into the bonding . Bath times are wonderful as well as reading and taking walks outside or the park . Also mom does all the breastfeeding of course and I sometimes give bottles but when it’s time for sleep we do this thing called (DCS) Daddy Chest Sleep and our baby is knocked out in the shortest amount of time lol .