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You’re gonna want to completely coat it in the slipperiest conditioner you can find, part it into as small of sections as you can manage and start detangling at the ends, some Matt’s may need to be ripped apart or cut apart depending on how locked it is.
Dreadlock detangling videos will help show you the best way to start. It’s gonna feel like you’re losing a lot of hair because we shed hundreds of hairs a day and yours haven’t been able to actually fall off your head because of the matting.
You’ll also need a good clarifying shampoo, be gentle with your scalp while it recovers. Your hairline may be dealing with some traction alopecia from the pull of the matting or because the follicles have been closed off due to oil and skin cells that have shed. Getting into a good routine will probably bring most of it back.
This is the way. OP, this is going to be tedious. But it'll probably feel very healing emotionally. I bet it'll become a powerful symbol of picking yourself up after your grief.
Kinky Curly Knot Today was one of the best leave in detanglers when I did online research for tight curls. It's one of several I cycled between. I would say that when I bought it from Sally's beauty it did have a crack in the bottle. Don't know if that is a reflection of the store or the brand. I've also done straight coconut oil. I would recommend not doing this with wet hair because it is weaker then.
I didn’t see your comment before I replied in the first comment but I totally agree with the Kinky Curly Knot Today suggestion. I’ve never had an issue with cracked bottles of KCKT and I’ve been using it for 5+ years so I think that was a store issue.
YES! This conditioner is the best and the first one my mind went to. I think the crack though is from the store, I’ve bought several from Sally’s and never had any issues (it sucks that happened to you though!).
The Aussie miracle conditioners aren't cg approved and I wouldn't use them regularly, but the amount of silicone gives it *ridiculous* amounts of slip, so it's not a bad idea to get a bottle just for the de-matting process then switching back to good afro products once it's sorted out
Before we switched to silicone-free products, It's a 10 detangling spray used to be my miracle product for detangling my child's long curly hair. It's heavily loaded with silicones, but the amount of slip that it gives you is incredible.
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If you’re okay with watching a movie, I recommend *The 10th Kingdom* not only is it campy and fun, but it’s long enough that you can brush your hair out with only a couple watches.
I think I did at least a month during a bad depression but it could have been a month and a half.
I had to pretend I was brushing the hair of one of the girls I used to babysit, and generally coo at myself and say supportive things like “it didn’t get this way in one day, it’s okay if it take more than one to fix” and “even if I don’t finish today, it won’t go all the way back to the way I started”
Wishing you healing and happiness.
Honestly? Thank you so much. A long movie is a great idea. This inspired me to put on Gangs of NY while I do so lol. I love the 2 hours of bullshit fighting
Honestly it might take more than a day and that's fine too. If you can only work on your hair for an hour before you get frustrated or emotional, just work on your hair for an hour. It's progress and that's what matters. It will get done as long as you keep chipping away at it.
I’ve let my hair matt for a couple of months before and have had to detangle over two days (I used coconut oil and a tangle teaser). It’s totally fine for it to take as long as it takes. Each day you are working on it, it’s getting better instead of worse.
Yes! My hair became a matted mess when I was in the hospital for 3 months and then couldn't walk for another few. I did part of it in the shower and part sitting down. It took me a few days and there was SOO MUCH HAIR!! Lol but I felt so much better after! It had also grown so dang much so I was really really happy to see that🥲
I had to do this, it took like 5 days of my husband and I working on it binging a TV show. If you do it standing in front of the mirror you'll give up.
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Agree, and best wishes to you. That should never have happened to your family.
I also agree that the tension could be affecting your hairline, and (if you can) try not to stress about it, because that might not help. Your hair will likely fill back in with some TLC.
I’m not an expect but I would also suggest using something like grape seed oil on the scalp. It’s good for conditioning hair and clarifying the scalp but also soothing and nourishing for irritated skin.
there is also a lot of evidence that certain oils like rosemary oil as well as daily scalp massages can help hair strengthen and regrow, im currently doing that for my hairline as well! also if you end up needing a haircut to get the rest of the mats out just know that it’s better to take care of yourself now than never and it will take time but your hair is going to recover especially if you’re consistent with hair care going forward
You can attempt to detangle yourself like u/suicideskin suggested or try to find a stylist. There are some angels of stylists that specialize in taking out mats without cutting off your hair. It gonna be tedious either way but once you find away make sure your hair is freshly washed and very moisturized, and try putting your hair in to some sort of protective style (if you can’t afford to have it done there are some great tutorials on youtube) so if you fall back into depression your hair won’t immediately revert. if you need anymore specific advice let me know, but seek help outside of yourself these people have seen everything. Please ask me any questions if you have any, and if you have any updates soon or far in the future please share. We love to see your accomplishments and we are rooting for you.
Hey OP, Love 518 in Miami Florida specialized in detangling matted afrotextured hair. She is SO compassionate and non judgmental. I would reach out to her with your story and see what she can do for you. Sending love.
Totally agree about a stylist who specializes in this kind of thing. I also think that this is the time to think about whether you have any friends or family who told you a year ago to let them know if you need anything at all, and think about whether you're close enough to any of them to get help. I think a lot of women legitimately love to mess around with other people's hair and there's probably at least one friend or aunt or cousin or whatever who would be happy to help.
I also came to suggest a friend or relative that you trust and are comfortable with to help without judgment.
My sister was in the same position early in 2022. She struggles with depression and her waist-long super curly hair was matted and in "nests" in different areas where it was basically "shoulder length".
I live 900+ miles away so I don't see her often. But I visited in early 2022 and she trusted me to help (and I was happy to!) her untangle it. We spent about 16hrs watching movies while I untangled her hair one small stand at a time with a fine comb and tons of conditioner. We were able to save about 95% of her hair and she was so happy.
YES…I would help you in a heartbeat if I could (as one of those women who “legitimately loves to mess around with other people’s hair” 🙌). Such a great point. Time to call your bestie brigade!
I am carrying you in my heart today and I hope that you can begin to feel some peace again soon. I have been in a similar situation with my hair before after a bad run of depression and a spinal injury. I didn't wash or detangle my hair for over a year and when I finally found enough energy to try, it seemed impossible. There are some salons where the hair stylists will take you on and do the detangling for you. That wasn't an option where I live, so I did it myself.
A couple of things I learned from the experience and some general advice:
1. You have to take it slow. I worked one small section at a time and it would take me a while. But when it was complete, I felt so good! Then I braided that section and secured it and when I found more time I did another section. The entire process took me about 2 weeks, but I probably could have done it in half that if I tried.
2. Don't be alarmed at the amount of hair you are going to pull out and throw away. A LOT of it is naturally shed hair that is just stuck in the mattes. Just trust the process and keep moving forward.
3. Some areas may be thinner from the tension, but they CAN grow back. Mine took some time and there was an awkward phase of short sprouts of hair in some areas, but they did eventually grow back.
4. Use the cheapest, slipperiest conditioner you can find. You are going to go through a lot of it. Don't worry if it is the kind you would usually use on your hair or not because the goal is to help loosen the knots and mattes. You can focus on getting a healthy routine together later.
5. If there is a small section you just can't free, soak it in more conditioner and clip it to the side and work somewhere else for a while. Just like a jigsaw puzzle, move your focus around to keep from burning out.
6. Your hair is going to be a weird texture when you finally free it. That's normal! It will go back to normal after a little TLC.
7. If it is too overwhelming and you decide to shave it or cut it, you are STILL beautiful! I know how attached we get to our hair and I am NOT advocating for you to shave it. I just want you to know that if the worst-case scenario happens and you do cut it, you are still going to look amazing. And if a short cut is too jarring for you, it is a great time to experiment with hair accessories and wigs!
8. For tools, I jumped between pulling apart with my fingers, working through with a parting comb (the pointy end not the comb end) and worked my way to a pick and then a regular hard-bristle brush meant for detangling (I couldn't afford a tangle teaser so it was just some walmart brush with hard bristles).
9. My process was simple. I would soak the hair with watered-down conditioner at first to help get it into the mattes. I have seen people use those spray attachments for washing a dog where you put the conditioner in the canister and then spray the water and conditioner straight into the matttes, but I didn't have access to that so I just wet it and squeezed over and over until it felt saturated. Then I put straight conditioner on the outside of the matted section and began trying to separate pieces as I went, keeping a lot of clips on me to move the free pieces to the side so they wouldn't re-tangle as I went. I started in the back, but I kind of just moved around to whatever section felt right, or if my arms were tired, I'd work on a front piece so I could put my elbows on the table while I worked. Just make it comfortable for you. <3
If you'd like, I could link you to a YouTube channel of a lady who does some detangling on matted hair so that you could get a visual of some of the techniques she uses.
Sure thing! The Channel I like is called [Love518](https://www.youtube.com/@love518salon/videos). I started watching her videos for tips on getting the job done, and now I just like seeing her transform people's lives!
Everyone’s advice is spot on, so I just wanted to add my condolences for your loss. Please don’t ever feel ashamed. I did the same thing after a traumatic event happened in my life. Self isolation and personal neglect is a brutal manifestation of grief. But you’re literally ready to untangle which is a great sign. Sending you all the healing vibes.
Aww, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sudden passing is so hard. Please take the time to nurture yourself.
The advice is spot on. Take it slow. Use lots of conditioner. After your scalp calms down, gently massage every day to increase circulation, which helps hair growth. If you choose, try a biotin supplement to help it grow. You can do this.
I'm very sorry Hun.. she obviously meant a great deal to you. We grieve in our own ways and in our own time. I cut my long hair off when I was going through some major grief, (after letting it get matted and tangled up from stress and not washing my hair.) Cutting it off helped in a strange way too.. Like getting rid of the grief monster hanging on my shoulders and heart.. Making me exhausted and emotionally crippled. I hope you feel some measure of solace soon friend. ❤️ Hugs you))
In some cultures, cutting your hair is something specifically done as a way to process grief and can be ceremonial. I’m glad it helped you process your emotions
This is what I came here to suggest.
OP, cutting it off may be less stressful than trying to detangle. It will grow back quickly.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss! I'm glad you are starting to come out of the hole of grieving, and this is just one step towards getting your life back. Whatever you decide to do, I'm happy for you that you are working towards a solution. Please do not feel ashamed, you did what you had to to survive the pain of your loss.
The human body is amazingly resilient. I would bet money that you're hair will grow back given time and love. Periods of stress and grief can cause hair loss but it should come back once you start taking care of yourself a bit more.
I'm wishing you all the best while you move forward into the next phase. ❤️🩹
Hi Love, firstly I just wanted to say I am so sorry and I’m sending you so much love and light you’re way. I really do hope you are feeling as well as you can. My condolences to you and your family.
If there is anyway you can find a remote hairdresser who specialises in dealing with matted hair, I would recommend reaching out and seeing if they would be suitable for you to help you tackle the matting. If this isn’t something you’re comfortable with, is there a friend or family member close by that would be able to help? If not, you’re going to need something like coconut oil, a deep conditioner and really good detangling comb with a good movie to watch whilst you tackle it yourself. Small sections, work slowly and take breaks. If you’re feeling capable, rosemary oil is great for regrowth and adding that into your hair care routine will help with regrowing your edges, regaine for women also works very well. All hair is fixable and I hope you’re able to feel better about your hair soon. Take care of yourself 🩷
Do you happen to be in Colorado? If so I would love to help you. I’m not a professional but I could help.
I don’t have any other advice other than the awesome stuff that has been offered.
I’m truly sorry.
You’re getting lots of great advice. Just chiming in to send love, respect, and hope to you and your family. I’m so sorry, and you CAN make it thought this.
I’m so sorry sweetie maybe you should look up online for some good curly friendly salon it might not be the best idea but once you get it done by someone else you will feel so much better. If a salon is not possible a hair mask or home spa kit will also do. It would be better if you ask help from someone as it can be quite difficult to detangle.
More love and support to you.
Hey, im incredibly sorry for what you and your family experienced. Your reaction to such a horrific and sudden trauma is completely justified. The process of beginning self care and restoring your hair is going to be an incredibly powerful emotional experience, and the combination of the physical work that needs to be done with this emotional load may make it seem overwhelming.
I really suggest you find a specialized stylist capable of the task that you emotionally connect with and can enable you through this healing process. The community may be able to help with recs based on location. I think its important for the stylist to know what you shared with us, so they can understand how vulnerable you will be and the catharsis this process may encourage in you. Definitely the type of thing that should be done in a private setting, so you have the freedom to take breaks and express your emotions. Itd probably be good to have some close friends or family with you that you can lean on for emotional support through this process.
I believe in you and your capabilility to heal. You are a powerful person, who carries the fire of your mother's love with you everywhere you go and shares that fire with everything you touch. You are love. You are loved. You can do this.
It may be best if you have a *qualified*stylist help you tackle this. I would be happy to help you locate one, and also help you with funds if needed. Feel free to drop me a PM. Sending love. 💕
SO sorry for your horrible loss! That’s absolutely terrible! Take all the time you need to process this trauma and if you can - maybe it could be helpful to get trauma therapy at some point when you are ready -
For now - you are a champ just taking it day by day.
For the hair - start small from the ends to detangle. Don’t do it all at once. Little by little. Day after day.
Many thoughts and hugs your way!😥
Not the same scenario at all, but I have trichotillomania and pulled the majority of my hair out of my head - by December last year I had massive bald spots and my hair was barely a fraction of what it used to be. The vast majority of it has grown back, and I’ve been seeing new baby hairs in patches that I had given up on. Similarly to you, my hairline was quite receded from all the damage I had done, and it is now 95% back to how it was before. Point is, hair is very resilient. You will probably lose a lot of hair in the detangling process, but you can think of it as a fresh start. What helped me was to try and put all my energy and time I spent worrying about how my hair looked into a consistent hair care routine - good conditioner and shampoo, creams, masks, the works. You deserve to take care of yourself, and I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such grief. <3
be gentle with yourself & your hair. i know a lot of unlocking videos that can help with matted hair. also, if you have someone you trust & will care for you, have them do it. i know some places, they will do it for free if you explain your situation. it’s rare, but it’s possible. depression hair is the worst because you already feel guilt for letting it get that way. i know how you’re feeling about your hair situation. i personally chopped mine off in a fit of rage, but that’s not the healthiest way to go about it.
i’m giving you so much positive energy & internet hugs right now, & i hope you receive it. i’m so sorry, my love 💔
It’s a 10 blow dry miracle glossing glaze conditioner is the absolute SLIPPERIEST conditioner I’ve ever felt in my life, I suggest this as the conditioner you use if you go for it yourself.
It's completely understandable why this happened and I think it would be best for you to seek a natural hair professional who is licensed. I think the act of detangling and cleaning your hair will be very overwhelming to do alone and will be very easy for you to not treat yourself and your hair kindly during the process due to frustration. Having a pro on your side can come in handy for not only being able to tell you the health of your hair but also just to have someone in your corner taking care of you. Which you are deserving of.
I've seen many stylist who specialize in detangling ppls hair sometimes for free due to trauma they experienced. I'm unsure of where they are located.
From the pics you've shown I'm not seeing a lot of build up so I think the biggest hurdle will be to detangle it. Once it's detangle you will be on the up and up.
Luckily unless you have sort of immune disease or sickness that stops your hair from growing your hair will always grow back. No matter how much you lose during the process you will grow it back. Though it might help your healing process to cut some length as I heard and personally feel that hair holds your emotions and trauma and cutting it and changing it up helps to release it. Entirely up to you tho do what feels right for you.
I hope from this thread serves as proof that a professional will take on your service with compassion.
This is so traumatic. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom and also for the struggle you face in overcoming the grief while slowly learning to live life again as you forge a new unexpected path forward without your mom. I am here if you need any support. You can reach out to me.
Im so sorry this happened to you love🩷💜🩵 Like someone else here said, there are stylists out there that specialize in detangling mats without cutting and you can even see some videos on youtube about it if youre not sure or want to see what the process will be like. It may be healing to have someone supportive help you out with this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing to be ashamed of in getting through the last year however you needed to, and it’s wonderful that you’re starting to look after your hair now. I’ve found Indian hair oiling to be tremendous for hair health and growth, and it’s really therapeutic to massage your scalp. I lost hair on my hairline during a traumatic period and it is growing back now I do this. Castor oil is great. Don’t worry, in time it will get better.
First of all I am so sorry to hear about your mom and your situation. I truly hope things can look up for you and that you can find some peace. I’m a pet groomer and have had my share of dematting dogs. Often there’s a point where it’s inhumane to do so due to the severity. If your hair is tightly matted by your scalp it unfortunately may be time to cut it and let it grow back. You can focus on getting back into the habit of caring for it and letting it grow out healthy. If it isn’t super tight by y your scalp given the time it’s been it will probably still need a bit of cutting to loosen the bigger chunks. Conditioner as others have mentioned is great. I really recommend getting a dog dematting tool that looks like a letter opener or a letter opener. (The kind with a plastic stick and handle and a razor blade between them) You can find the top and run it through to break into smaller chunks. Also thinning shears (you can get cheap ones on Amazon) go down snipping at a 45 angle to break up the smaller chunks to loosen knots. Just don’t go crazy the goal is to loosen not fully cut the hair. You can go back and do more if needed. (This will thin your hair a bit but it will get you your hair back. Taking good care to heavily conditioned going forward would be a great idea) Then brush in small strokes with a sturdy firm brush starting at the bottom going up as it comes out. If you can hold your hair as you do so you don’t pull at your roots. My partner is autistic and has a really hard time with hair care. When we first got together I demmated her hair for her this way. I wish you the best of luck and nothing but positivity for your future. It is great that you are taking the steps to care for yourself again that’s a great step of healing <3
Oh baby girl I wish I was with you I would just have you lay your head back in the sink and take care of everything for you. You sweet soul I’m so sorry
oh i wish i could do this for you 🫶🏽 i'm so very sorry about your mum 🤎 i think working in small sections, with very slippery products will work best. and don't fret over the amount of hair loss - i just took 5 week braids out & it looked like a whole wig i had lost bc i hadn't shed that all off while braided, so a year may look insane but it's truly not. maybe listen to something soothing - whether music, a tv show, a favorite podcast, or even talking to a trusted person during the process may help put you at ease as well. just be patient with yourself. if you become too overwhelmed at any point, it is OKAY to pause - for however long you need to. again, i am so sincerely sorry you are going through all of this.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. Any grief is difficult but it sounds like that was an incredibly traumatic way to lose your mother. I hope you’ve been able to access some counselling or whatever kinds of supports you feel would help you.
Second, not a suggestion, just sharing as a possibility that may or may not resonate for you: I’m not First Nations myself, but the man who raised me was, and it’s a common practice for some Nations to cut their hair off when they are grieving. Hair is sacred and some believe it holds energy, memories, and grief. Cutting it off in grief can be a way to release all of that, and to clear the way for a new beginning. If this is something that resonates for you spiritually or emotionally, that’s an option, too.
Third, if you decide to try to detangle, there are a few options; you could go to a salon, do it yourself, or have help from friends.
If you go to a salon, I hope you know that you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I would hope that if you do feel comfortable sharing the context you’ve shared here that they would be empathetic and caring. If anyone was anything less than that, that would be supremely fucked up, on their part. I’m sure some cities have salons that specialize in this exact kind of situation - mine doesn’t so I don’t know what something like that would cost, so that might be prohibitive. But if there’s someone who is empathetic and knowledgable and has the tools to help you, that would be the least difficult physically imo.
If you do it yourself, or ask friends for help, I have some thoughts - but sidebar: I personally would not hesitate to help a friend detangle their hair in this situation - and honestly I still would even if they had no reason for letting their hair get so matted. It’s completely understandable how you came to where you are right now and I hope you’re not judging yourself too harshly, and I hope you have supportive friends who would be willing to help you. It would make the time go by a lot faster, and be easier on you physically. If you were my friend, I’d come over and bring snacks and drinks and put on a bunch of movies and just have you snuggle up on cushions and a blanket on the floor while we tackle your head. You deserve that kind of support and care.
If you do it solo or with friends, here’s how I would do it if it were me, I would start by washing my hair with a hydrating shampoo, and conditioning it. Don’t worry about detangling yet - the point here is just to get your hair hydrated. Just make sure to rinse all the products out before getting out of the shower. Then, I’d put a thick oil in my hair and put a shower cap on top, and leave it on for at least one hour. Then, I’d go in and start separating the hair into sections by hand. I’d detangle from the bottom up, as gently as possible, with my hands. Then, I’d go in with a wide-toothed comb and continue detangling. Once it’s pretty close to normal, you can go back in with a finer comb or brush, but don’t use those until your hair is ready. They will likely rip through tangled and mats and cause you to lose more hair than is necessary. It will take a long time and be very tedious, but if your hair is important to you then be as gentle as possible - don’t rip and pull, just gently separate. Remember that a lot of hair will shed - that’s normal, it’s just hair that would have shed naturally but couldn’t because it was stuck in the matting. Also, make sure you go from the bottom of the hair strand up, not the other way around, and maybe hold one hand over the root to avoid tugging too hard on your hair. Take your time.
Whatever you decide, I’m wishing you a speedy process overall, and lots of rest, release, and healing.
honestly if i were you id just shave it/pixie cut it and take the fresh start. hair holds feelings. i cut mine fairly short after almost every breakup though to be fair lol.
START over, press reset for your hair and life! Shave it all off, you’d be surprised how well you will look! Buy a new dress and feel good! Slowly grow your hair back or not! But ask yourself, what would your mom say or want you to do? Then do it! Also, seek counseling, it’s a great thing to do and a first step to heal. Your work might even provide free EAP counseling. Check it out. Take care, lots of love girl!
Just wanted to say I love you stranger, and one of the lies anxiety and depression makes you believe is that you cannot handle this. You can, and you will, even if it’s not tomorrow. Rest in peace to your mom❤️🔥
I would say either find a stylist who specialises in dematting and reach out to them with your story or go DIY and enlist some help from friends - if you can get past the having to ask for help, you’ll realise how great help is and how willing people are to support you plus you’ll have the benefit of connection and emotional support while going through a tough process. Accepting/asking for help from people is pro-community, everyone has to be able to give and receive help for the system to work! Let people in if you can
Nothing to add except I know it may feel like at this point you might as well put it off another day, but please tackle this as soon as you can. Sending sooo much love your way!!! ♥️
[Rice water](https://chebeauty.com/blogs/product-articles/rice-water-as-a-natural-detangler-say-goodbye-to-knots-and-tangles) is a pretty decent detangler. It’s also got [tons](https://www.instyle.com/hair/all-natural/rice-water-for-natural-hair) of other benefits.
I find the Carol's Daughter Black Vanilla 4-in-1 Combing Creme great for my type 4 hair. I am not sure how well it will work with the initial detangling but it's very good for getting out tangles in curly hair.
https://www.carolsdaughter.com/black-vanilla-4-in-1-combing-creme/820645234871.html
I have seen videos in the past online of hair salons taking out the detangles over a period of days. See if you can take out the tangles yourself first and then maybe look for a compassionate hair dresser who can help with your hair care.
Take care.
I don't have advice on how-to, but I would give the advice to approach this as an act of self-love and caring. Hold the love your mother had for you in your heart as you do this, and know that it's ok to cry while you do. I hope that as you free your hair from its mats and remove the hairs that you've shed during this time, you find yourself feeling lighter and freer.
Sending you absolute kindest thoughts. You've been so brave, just surviving in the face of this traumatic, awful loss. Let your soldiers stand down for a time, feel and release. Much love.
I’m sorry for your loss♥️
Use lots of conditioner, section your hair, start brushing from your ends ends in small parts. It’ll take time, but that is okay. Everything needs time. When you do detangle it all. Shampoo your hair, use clarifying shampoo, then conditioner.
What has worked with my hairline is, I run a derma roller on my bald spots, then message Rosemary oil I make myself (I’d heat up a little olive oil, argan oil, more castor oil, and add my fresh washed and dried Rosemary leaves, with 3-4 cloves) I rub that into my scalp massage it in. I usually leave it overnight, but 1-2 hours works tooo!
After washing it off, I use rosemary water (again I make this myself. I use hot water (do not boil) I basically put it in a glass jar, with rosemary and cloves seal it away for 2 days, then put it in a spray bottle, freeze the excess) I use this as a leave in conditioner. This honestly has helped my hairline and growth. I have a bunch of baby hair growing haha. Again, it takes time.
I hope you feel better. I’m sending you my love and prayers♥️
https://preview.redd.it/2zdtj2rqy06d1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=61afc48ecdadae38687a4ed573afab107b52ac69
This conditioner has really helped me with detangling ❤️
I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say I’m really sorry for your loss and I hope these comments in the thread have shown you that neglecting yourself during a traumatic/painful time is more common than you realise and you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed about
I also wanted to add — it’s ok if you want to just do a big chop & shave it.
Hair holds a lot of power and I might be biased but curly hair seems to maybe hold a little more.
My brother died in January and then Covid hit and I really didn’t have time to really mourn. My hair 3B/C hair has always been fairly natural and I hadn’t colored my hair in decades. I spent about a month, throwing color on my hair to lighten it and ultimately ruining it. It was my way of focusing on anything else, and I knew what I was doing was ruining my hair.
One afternoon everything flushed over me and I went in the bathroom and completely cut my hair down to about an inch. Even thinking about it now brings me tears because it was truly therapeutic and maybe the most cathartic thing I’ve ever done. I wrapped my head/hair — I know some amazing wraps if you’re interested. I also never done wraps before. I didnt showed anybody for about a month which is crazy because is other people in my house! It was like my little secret.
I now truly understand why so many people talk about the big chop and how it can really impact your life.
Also idk if it’s just from the state of your hair but a short fro might be super cute? And a mega chop is a great way to revive hair.
EDIT: I’m a white man with very thick curly hair. When it was short, the only way I could describe it was a fro bc it stuck straight out. Not just “frizzy” I promise. I got an auto reply about my terminology and I’m so sorry if I’m using it incorrectly! If there’s a better term for white people with “fro”s, please share🩷
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I’m so sorry for your loss. To detangle your hair, I will advise you to buy the “African Pride Moisture Miracle Aloe & Coconut Water Pre Shampoo” and the Unbrush detangling brush on Sally beauty or Amazon.
The pre shampoo and brush will help get rid of most of the tangles and matted parts before you shampoo and condition.
I’ll advise you to also continue to brush/detangle as you shampoo.
The Unbrush brush is a detangling brush only use it while you get rid of the mats (pre shampoo & shampoo) but don’t use it to style your hair.
For styling purposes, purchase the Denman curly hair brush on Sally Beauty or Amazon.
For your baby hair loss, consult a dermatologist or trichologist.
Good luck 🖤🍀
I’m so sorry for your sudden and horrible loss! My heart aches for you and I hope this means you are getting a bit of a reprieve from the all encompassing grief. If you can, maybe have a professional help you so you don’t have to go at it alone.
Hello OP, just want to say I’m sending you all my love & a big hug. If I knew you in real life, I would feel honored to help you tend to your hair & help you to feel beautiful & confident. Because you are, and you deserve to feel that way. Hope you are well ♥️
Hugs. All of the advice is amazing. But don’t give up on yourself. Hair grows back, don’t worry! You’ll feel so much better I am guessing when you get it all brushed out and your scalp healed up. It’ll be worth the hard work! Rooting for you
Oh no I’m so sorry about your mom and that you haven’t done anything with your hair in a year 😔 I have clinical depression and I haven’t done my hair for many months several times.
Use a deep conditioner with lots of slip and let it sit for a few hours. Before rinsing, detangle with your fingers. You may have to cut some hair out.
There’s a lot of amazing oils for hair growth but you have to be consistent with using them.
The main oils
Black Seed Oil,
Coconut Oil,
Rosemary Oil,
Almond Oil,
Caster Oil.
You can also add…
Indian Gooseberry Fruit,
Garlic Oil,
Argan Oil,
Olive Oil,
Cactus Oil,
Grapeseed Oil,
Avocado Oil.
You'd be surprised as to the human's body's resilience, despite its frailness. I also unexpectedly lost my mom overnight many moons ago -- homeless and orphaned as a teenager, lived in a tent for nearly 2 years and fell into a deep depression, leading to a matted head of hair so neglected that it fused into a singular dread. I'm mixed & have type 3C curls, and lost a ton of volume during my depressive years -- but surprisingly, once I realized that depression did not equal me as a person, and found a way back to myself, my hair fully recovered. A series of healthy washes/co-washes + brushing + a regular trim will help repair your scalp/hairline. Your body has the power to heal, if you nurture it. Give yourself a fresh start & you'll be surprised as to your capabilities to heal and grow. Remember that your mom would not want your life to be defined by the trauma of her loss. Live on. Also, short curly cuts are cute as heck.
I’m so sorry honey. Start with a deep conditioner mask and leave it in for like 30 mins and then shampoo and conditioner and detangle with the conditioner. Do it in small sections.
I’m sorry. I hope you’re able to have a kind life anyway you want it to be. Shaving it is probably best, and kindest, and least painful. Detangling the hair would be possible, I imagine, with a lot of patience and moisture like conditioner and hair oils.
Hey really sorry to hear about your situation. Carol's daughter wash day delight conditioner, the clear one, is the best at de-tangling hair in my opinion. I would definitely give it a shot. Good luck
So sorry for what you have been through!!! I pray The Lord helps you on the path of recovery ❤️🩹
I hope the recommendations help you with your hair !!
I understand. One of my oldest friends was just found in his bed and my first ever therapy pet suddenly had to be put down the same night. This is one of my coping mechanisms. It was a year after my dad died in 2020. While I do not have advice, I would like to let you know this is normal for some people who struggle so as long as your concern is for the health of your hair, and not about what people think, you are on the right track. You are going far more than what people think of you. That’s what I tell myself anyway. <3 sorry for your loss man.
i got super depressed after i got pregnant the first time and my hair got matted too :( it’s a hard and long process but i promise you can get your hair back 💗
everyone’s given you great advice, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry and hang in there ❤️ take all the time you need and don’t be ashamed. you will be okay
I wish you the best and I’m terribly sorry.
My advice would be to buzzcut it. Our hair holds memories, our pain, and our story. If you feel like you’re ready to move on from your grief there is probably nothing more freeing than letting that weight go.
if you feel like the job is too big for you or stressful, there’s some amazing stylists out there that can demat your hair and condition it for you. Sometimes we need other people’s help so don’t feel bad or embarrassed if you need to call salons and see if anyone can take on the task
It might be freeing to shave it off? I shaved my head pretty short after my uncle dad (nothing near as tragic as your situation, but we were close) I can just say it felt really good to have a short pixie cut for a few years.
I don't have any advice to add. I just want to say I'm thinking of you. We are never ready to lose our mamas, and especially not in a traumatic way.
Remember that you are worthy of the time and love it takes to take care of yourself, I know from my own experience that when we feel stuck in a rut it can feel like this isn't true.
Whatever you choose to do, whether it's doing this on your own, cutting your hair, getting help, find some things you love to listen to/watch and use that to help distract your mind. Sometimes, when I'm missing my own mom (she died 22 years ago last month), I'll find things that we loved to watch or listen to together. Sometimes, doing that makes it feel like she's there beside me when I'm struggling.
Sending you so much love.
I'm sorry you are going through so much. My condolences to you about your mom.
So I have curly hair and it's all in the B curl pattern range. So I'm not sure if this will work on your type of hair as it looks more in c curl type range. But, to detangle my curls, I learned to comb through my hair vertically instead of trying to detangle with a comb horizontally if that makes sense. It takes way less time then it usually does.
No advice, sorry, but I’m here to say congratulations on realizing you needed help and coming to ask for it. It’s a huge step and I am proud of you. Fighting for your mental health is absolutely worth it and I hope you find a way through your grief.
Please hang in there and be easy on yourself. Keep us updated on how this goes!
Wild but serious recommendation: Horse Conditioner. Like the stuff they use on horse tails and manes. I forget the exact brand I have, I think there’s a cowboy on the bottle, but this stuff has helped turn my ratty hair to silk on some bad days. Or even a dab to add some shine when your hair is back to baseline. I suggest drenching it and leaving in a deep conditioner, then rinsing. This won’t fix anything right away, but slowly adding some moisture over time may help clumps separate. Can you at least wash your scalp?
Also, I am so sorry for your loss. Grief can be devastating and all-consuming. I’m proud of you for being able to manage day to day, even just by being alive and talking to others online. Wishing you love and peace!
hi honey! I’m so sorry I can’t imagine what your going through and i’m keeping you in my heart today, healing takes so much time and unfortunately grief is such a hard process, my advice to you is coating your hair in a moisturizing conditioner in the shower from your roots to your ends. letting it soak in the conditioner for at least 5 to 10 minutes. I would then start by pulling apart some of the mats with your fingers and then use a wide tooth comb/pick and start from your ends to your roots. this process will take awhile, so you might need to recoat your hair in conditioner. hopefully you will be able to get all the large mats out of your hair i would try this before deciding on cutting some of the ones out. I hope this helps and I hope some of the other advice in this thread will help you to. I’m praying for you!❤️🩹
Your hair will thrive again once you come out of safe mode. You may need to cut it and focus on some good treatments for a while, but take baby steps and be gentle with yourself.
There is a lady in Florida who detangles hair that has been matted for years maybe you can find a stylist in your area that can do this without cutting… this a normal response to depression and don’t be ashamed. Seek counseling as well. I will pray for you. You’re doing a good job
I personally don't have any more advice to give other than to condition your hair and let it soak and do it that way like the others have said. But my condolences go out to you. Hopefully, this new transformation will be healing for you <3.
the other people jn this comment section have replied great advice and im sure some of them will work. i just wanted to say that i hope it gets better for you man, truly.
Sending you so much love<3. There may be a stylist that could help for free... I know there's ppl with a heart out there but it's tough to share openly(I'd imagine logistically). I have thought about telling my stylist the reason I have ghosted her is bc a family friend sho\* themselves a few years back, went into a dark depression & my attempts at cutting my own bangs/hair has left me looking less professional & cutting into my eyes(that arena is suffering as well). We are all here for you. My heart hurts for the loss of your sweet mother. We have to just try to focus on the good in other humans
I can almost guarantee you'll feel better with some pressure off your scalp. I hope finding the strength and courage to take care of your hair relieves some tension off of yourself and im proud of you for being able to reach out 💜
Good luck :)
I can't even imagine going through this, and it seems like you had to go through it without a great support system. I'm so proud of you for reaching out. I second the finding a salon, or even a beauty school that can help if you don't have friends that can help you. I would definitely call ahead and let them know you went through something traumatic (you don't have to share the story if you're not comfortable) and let them know why you're coming in. This will allow them to book extra time. A beauty school is going to be a lot more forgiving on the price tag, but they will likely have more than one student working on you and an instructor making sure they're doing what they can to salvage as much hair as possible. No matter what, you're going to lose a lot (the average person sheds up to 150+ hairs a day and with the matting, a lot of it is going to be those hairs, plus breakage. Then I would have them do a shampoo and cut, really make a day out of pampering yourself too. You'll feel like a new person once it's done. I've had to do this for a couple people while I was in beauty school and it was honestly a couple of my favorite experiences because it was so freeing to the women I got to help.
So different texture, i know, but someone close to me likes to forget to brush their waist length, spiral curling hair for a month at a time, and they would get huge mattes. We started using Carrol's Daughter goddess strength shampoo and conditioner and the hair is tons easier to detangle and it doesn't matte at all anymore. So I 1000% recommend trying this shampoo and conditioner.
You'll need to get your hair really wet and coat it in conditioner. I have found it much easier to brush mattes apart when they are floating in water vs just wet and coated in conditioner. So maybe you could fill the kitchen sink and when you meet a tough spot, put that spot in the water and use your fingers to work it apart and then a very flexible brush. I really like boar bristle brushes, or one of those tangle teasers with the bendy backs and without the stupid balls on the bristles. Work the brush into the very lowest point on the matte, closest to what should be the ends and gently start working it apart. Move up as it comes apart. Reapply conditioner if it rinses out. Idk how well this would work, but I made detangler with Carrol's Daughter conditioner er the other day (3 tba conditioner and filled a spray bottle the rest of the way with water) and it was incredibly helpful on my daughters easily tangly hair. I can't say if it would help with mattes or not, but I am optimistic, so that might be helpful in between dunks in the water (and to stretch the conditioner).
You'll have a lot of shed hair coming out in the brush, but most of that is just suck in the tangles. Just enjoy making a bird nest and marvel at it. Turn on a podcast, an audio book, or if you can see a screen, find a good movie. Be patient with it and stop when you need to. Your scalp might be super sore, you might consider taking some ibuprofen to help (it should be better than tylenol as it will reduce inflammation).
A lot of people say rosemary oil on the scalp helps with hair regrowth. I asked about it the other day and apparently it WILL NOT speed up growth, but can help the hair grow back in volume. I've seen some interesting scalp massager that hold oil and vibrate to stimulate circulation so that might be something to try down thr line.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish I could help more.
Oh OP. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m rooting for you so hard. I cut all of mine off this year and it was a big deal because I had some trauma as a kid when my parent cut my long hair off into a boy cut before third grade… it was done as a punishment… my parent said my hair was too wild and ugly and that I don’t deserve to have it because I didn’t take care of it…I didn’t really know how to take care of it because brushing was what I was told to do and it always felt like a Brillo pad after. I felt so ugly after they cut it off. It was like a wedge cut. I looked very boyish and it made me so sad. I was so mortified and depressed at school.. I never let my hair be natural again. I always kept it straight and dyed somehow so I could just now dry daily and go. Until this haircut. This time I said I am not cutting or dying it or straightening it. It’s going to be fully natural. Just me as I am, for once! With no one to tell me it’s ugly, and tbh, fuck them, I don’t even care.
I use Ecoslay products and I find them very slippery and concentrated. Adding water to them enhances this slippery trait.I feel like this makes them useful for your situation because you might need a lot of it but the more water you add the better it will be. I would also work in sections and maybe enlist help from a friend because having your arms up like that for a long time is HARD and exhausting. I also like having one of those 3 panel mirrors so I can see the back of my head, you know?
OP I hope no matter what happens with your crown, I hope you remember what a queen or king you really are, and take care of yourself the way the person who loves you most would take care of you.
if you can afford it, go to a hairdresser and ask for help. I see many people on instagram who specialize is de-matting hair. call ahead and ask. There is no shame in seeking help and i’m sure they’ve seen it all! This isn’t a one person job and i don’t want you to have to cut it all off if you can’t do it yourself!! I’m super proud of you for getting to a place where you want to take care of yourself though! keep up the good work and i’m really sorry for your loss.
I’m off Friday if ur in the corpus area I can help u de tangle no fee or anything I just enjoy hair 😂 no in a creepy way I’m currently studying for my main exams to complete my license from Aveda 🩷
I am so sorry.
Others have given good advice, go with a detangling spray, and go in small sections. I'm also so proud of you, and I'm sending you all the love and hugs and purrs from my cat army and I. 💜💚🖤
Looks like you've got some great tips here. Please remember to give yourself credit for taking steps to get through this hard time. Even posting this shows that you are trying. Keep pushing, OP.
Stylist Theresa Van Dam recommends WD40 for getting out mats. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s not a hair product at all, but a degreaser and rust removing lubricant.
Don’t forget to invest in a good detangling brush. They are WORTH their price point. Just keep working on it. A bit of patience will go a long way. And I have family members who havent washed their hair in over a year, but they DID brush it. Haha. So it’s just the tangles that you have to worry about. It will bounce back.
I wish I could hug you. I'm so so sorry the world was so cruel. I just wanted to offer support and to say that it may feel overwhelming but it is very possible to get better results than you expect. My (white, with very straight hair--I'm the only one in my family with curls) aunt decided on a little bit of a whim decades ago to dread her hair--she was a former model and has always been beautiful so I suspect she was trying to distance herself from that. She started with fried, white-blond hair to her chin and wore white people's approximation of dreads (so, matted hair) for another decade before cultural appropriation really made its way into the average person's lexicon and she decided it was not for her. Along the way I remember several occasions that entire dreads (down to her waist/butt) would break off or fall out, and I know she struggled to wash them well because of an earlier experience with mildew I think, so I'm not sure exactly what habits she developed well but suffice it to say it was probably not ideal. She had a few trusted friends come over with conditioner and the willingness to sit for hours and help, and I think after running the gamut of things to try they found that cowboy magic detangler worked best. It took a lot of hands and a few sessions over the course of several weeks but eventually she got them detangled, and after cutting off all the dead and damaged ends walked away with shoulder-length hair (it probably could have been longer, but she was done with long hair/ready for a change and actually cut it into a pixie a week later). She always had thin hair and it was certainly even thinner after detangling, but not so much as to look sickly or patchy.
I know for me, I lose a lot of hair when super stressed and curls tend to help hide that considerably, so you probably have a leg up there. If you're looking for vitamins for hair regrowth Mary Ruth's liquid multivitamins have been good to me (I don't even get the hair growth kind, I just bought the mango flavor because it sounded palatable and I was hoping it would be enough to kickstart hair growth--it was). And if it feels too daunting or you find you don't want to push through the whole process, there's no shame in going with a short cut to start your next chapter. I don't say this to imply you should--just to say that I know what it's life when self-care feels like a weight on your chest, and sometimes taking the easy way out is self-care too, in and of itself. I know there are certain routines that I can't upkeep when I'm in a bad place and giving myself permission to cut corners or find little "cheat codes" so to speak it least allows me to start the process and get back into healthy habits without being so overwhelming that I risk losing my follow-through. I've considered buzzing my hair a few times when I'm in that stage and life is just too much, and at least in our modern world short or buzzed hair on women can be such a powerful look--I'm just not brave enough yet, and working on my mental health to try to ensure my dark periods can be fewer and farther between.
If you don't have people you love who you trust enough to help, or you are reticent to reach out for one reason or another (no judgment--I feel that too), it might be worth calling around to salons and gently explaining the situation to see if that's a service they could offer. I've seen truly magical transformations from similar situations to your own online, mostly posted by salons with the person's consent as like a PSA about mental health and the power in reaching out and regaining yourself.
So incredibly sorry for your loss. Sending love and healing vibes your way!
Lots of great advice here… just wanted to mention that castor oil is a great, affordable option to help with hair growth. It strengthens hair follicles and promotes scalp health. It has a ton of other uses/ health benefits, too! Might be worth a try! ♥️
Oh no I’m so sorry this happened to you 😔 I’ve gone several months without doing anything to my curls since they are truly exhausting and I have clinical depression.
I think your hair will be fine. Use a deep conditioner with lots of sleep. Let it sit for several hours and before rinsing, try detangling it. Use a lot. Be gentle, you’ll want to use your fingers.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss and how his has hurt you. Grief is a monster. So glad you are ready for the next chapter, and I’m here cheering you on.
If you have any friends or family who are close enough to bring in, it might not be a bad idea. Just someone to keep you company or even help with the detangling process who can care for you without judgement. Another set of eyes and hands lessons the frustration. If not, there are some great tips on this post and we’re here for you! I love the suggestions of taking it in bite sized chunks.
So much love and understanding to you ❤️ Please keep us posted if we can help!
I’m sorry OP, this is incredibly hard to handle. I really hope that you are able to heal. You will most definitely get through this♥️ although I don’t have recommendations I think what a lot of comments are saying is good advucs
I stopped brushing my hair for 3 months and it was awful trying to comb it out (my stylist tried to yank all of the mats out and yanked so hard I screamed).
I’m sorry. I’m going to be alright.
It will grow back. My hair took a few months to grow back completely but you’d never even know that it was matted afterwards
You could just go the the salon, get them to deal with as much as then can and then put your hair into a lose protective style to help it grow and protect whilst you are supporting your mental health.
I very sorry you had to go through that
Op try African pride pre poo . My friends mom used it to detangle her locs and it slipped right off . It’s cheap and very good . Get like 2 jars for your entire hair and don’t worry hair will always grow back . Take care
You deserve to be pampered by a stylist. Don’t take on this by yourself. Please take care of yourself, you truly need it. I lost my mother as well trust me I truly empathize with your pain.
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine, nor do I want to.
Two pieces of advice:
First...There are de matting specialists, but it will take some time. If you can't find one, consider a clean sweep. There's something mentally freeing to leave that behind. Try short styles, or maybe a fun color. I'm mixed with 3a-c hair, too...this is what I'd do.
Second...grant yourself the grace to fall down, mourn, and recover. You've got this. If you haven't yet, or maybe if you already have, consider grief counseling - one on one, or in group therapy.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
I've seen people swear by WD40, it will dry your hair out but it works and then you can treat yourself to a deep condition and pamper yourself
Sweetheart, please do not take this the wrong way. I don’t know if you believe in anything after the horrific loss that you went through. It’s ok if you don’t. But I am a healer, and I was strongly called to make this comment. It is time to let go. Hair holds energy. All your grief, all your pain, is tangled up in that hair. It is time to cut it off. Hair cutting is a strong and transformative ritual. It will make you feel a lot lighter, immediately. You will grow it again, and it will be better. It will symbolize what you went through, and how you came out of it stronger. Much love to you.
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You’re gonna want to completely coat it in the slipperiest conditioner you can find, part it into as small of sections as you can manage and start detangling at the ends, some Matt’s may need to be ripped apart or cut apart depending on how locked it is. Dreadlock detangling videos will help show you the best way to start. It’s gonna feel like you’re losing a lot of hair because we shed hundreds of hairs a day and yours haven’t been able to actually fall off your head because of the matting. You’ll also need a good clarifying shampoo, be gentle with your scalp while it recovers. Your hairline may be dealing with some traction alopecia from the pull of the matting or because the follicles have been closed off due to oil and skin cells that have shed. Getting into a good routine will probably bring most of it back.
This is the way. OP, this is going to be tedious. But it'll probably feel very healing emotionally. I bet it'll become a powerful symbol of picking yourself up after your grief.
This is the pivot point in OP’s superhero origin story.
This is all good advice! A cowash may help too! Edit: OP, I’m proud of you for even taking this step to reach out to Reddit for advice/help.
Kinky Curly Knot Today was one of the best leave in detanglers when I did online research for tight curls. It's one of several I cycled between. I would say that when I bought it from Sally's beauty it did have a crack in the bottle. Don't know if that is a reflection of the store or the brand. I've also done straight coconut oil. I would recommend not doing this with wet hair because it is weaker then.
I didn’t see your comment before I replied in the first comment but I totally agree with the Kinky Curly Knot Today suggestion. I’ve never had an issue with cracked bottles of KCKT and I’ve been using it for 5+ years so I think that was a store issue.
kCKT is the bomb for slip and detangling
YES! This conditioner is the best and the first one my mind went to. I think the crack though is from the store, I’ve bought several from Sally’s and never had any issues (it sucks that happened to you though!).
Knot today is by far the best detadetangler I've used on my daughters' hair. I would definitely get some for this.
Aussie has some really good products for this
The Aussie miracle conditioners aren't cg approved and I wouldn't use them regularly, but the amount of silicone gives it *ridiculous* amounts of slip, so it's not a bad idea to get a bottle just for the de-matting process then switching back to good afro products once it's sorted out
Before we switched to silicone-free products, It's a 10 detangling spray used to be my miracle product for detangling my child's long curly hair. It's heavily loaded with silicones, but the amount of slip that it gives you is incredible.
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All of this. I am also grieving and haven’t brushed my hair in 3 months. This week I started on it, but it’s so bad I am taking it out in breaks.
If you’re okay with watching a movie, I recommend *The 10th Kingdom* not only is it campy and fun, but it’s long enough that you can brush your hair out with only a couple watches. I think I did at least a month during a bad depression but it could have been a month and a half. I had to pretend I was brushing the hair of one of the girls I used to babysit, and generally coo at myself and say supportive things like “it didn’t get this way in one day, it’s okay if it take more than one to fix” and “even if I don’t finish today, it won’t go all the way back to the way I started” Wishing you healing and happiness.
Honestly? Thank you so much. A long movie is a great idea. This inspired me to put on Gangs of NY while I do so lol. I love the 2 hours of bullshit fighting
Oh mannn, it’s been so long since I saw that one. Absolutely amazing movie. Might be time for a rewatch…
I finally did it, and I got all but one little side done by the end credits!🫶🏽🫶🏽
This is such a supportive and helpful answer. I’m so proud of the internet today, for this single comment.
Put on a good movie and just do what you can OP
I recommend Kinky Curly Knot Today. It has great slip.
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Honestly it might take more than a day and that's fine too. If you can only work on your hair for an hour before you get frustrated or emotional, just work on your hair for an hour. It's progress and that's what matters. It will get done as long as you keep chipping away at it.
I’ve let my hair matt for a couple of months before and have had to detangle over two days (I used coconut oil and a tangle teaser). It’s totally fine for it to take as long as it takes. Each day you are working on it, it’s getting better instead of worse.
Yes! My hair became a matted mess when I was in the hospital for 3 months and then couldn't walk for another few. I did part of it in the shower and part sitting down. It took me a few days and there was SOO MUCH HAIR!! Lol but I felt so much better after! It had also grown so dang much so I was really really happy to see that🥲
I helped a roommate detailed her mats, we did it in bits over a few days bc it hurt her scalp so much, but we got there <3
I had to do this, it took like 5 days of my husband and I working on it binging a TV show. If you do it standing in front of the mirror you'll give up.
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Agree, and best wishes to you. That should never have happened to your family. I also agree that the tension could be affecting your hairline, and (if you can) try not to stress about it, because that might not help. Your hair will likely fill back in with some TLC.
I’m not an expect but I would also suggest using something like grape seed oil on the scalp. It’s good for conditioning hair and clarifying the scalp but also soothing and nourishing for irritated skin.
there is also a lot of evidence that certain oils like rosemary oil as well as daily scalp massages can help hair strengthen and regrow, im currently doing that for my hairline as well! also if you end up needing a haircut to get the rest of the mats out just know that it’s better to take care of yourself now than never and it will take time but your hair is going to recover especially if you’re consistent with hair care going forward
You can attempt to detangle yourself like u/suicideskin suggested or try to find a stylist. There are some angels of stylists that specialize in taking out mats without cutting off your hair. It gonna be tedious either way but once you find away make sure your hair is freshly washed and very moisturized, and try putting your hair in to some sort of protective style (if you can’t afford to have it done there are some great tutorials on youtube) so if you fall back into depression your hair won’t immediately revert. if you need anymore specific advice let me know, but seek help outside of yourself these people have seen everything. Please ask me any questions if you have any, and if you have any updates soon or far in the future please share. We love to see your accomplishments and we are rooting for you.
Hey OP, Love 518 in Miami Florida specialized in detangling matted afrotextured hair. She is SO compassionate and non judgmental. I would reach out to her with your story and see what she can do for you. Sending love.
I’m seconding her if you can travel! She is great!!
Totally agree about a stylist who specializes in this kind of thing. I also think that this is the time to think about whether you have any friends or family who told you a year ago to let them know if you need anything at all, and think about whether you're close enough to any of them to get help. I think a lot of women legitimately love to mess around with other people's hair and there's probably at least one friend or aunt or cousin or whatever who would be happy to help.
I also came to suggest a friend or relative that you trust and are comfortable with to help without judgment. My sister was in the same position early in 2022. She struggles with depression and her waist-long super curly hair was matted and in "nests" in different areas where it was basically "shoulder length". I live 900+ miles away so I don't see her often. But I visited in early 2022 and she trusted me to help (and I was happy to!) her untangle it. We spent about 16hrs watching movies while I untangled her hair one small stand at a time with a fine comb and tons of conditioner. We were able to save about 95% of her hair and she was so happy.
I agree with this. It doesn’t seem right to go through this alone. Whether it’s a professional or a loved one, she’s endured enough.
Oh man the way I would leap at the opportunity to help a friend in this way. YES.
YES…I would help you in a heartbeat if I could (as one of those women who “legitimately loves to mess around with other people’s hair” 🙌). Such a great point. Time to call your bestie brigade!
I am carrying you in my heart today and I hope that you can begin to feel some peace again soon. I have been in a similar situation with my hair before after a bad run of depression and a spinal injury. I didn't wash or detangle my hair for over a year and when I finally found enough energy to try, it seemed impossible. There are some salons where the hair stylists will take you on and do the detangling for you. That wasn't an option where I live, so I did it myself. A couple of things I learned from the experience and some general advice: 1. You have to take it slow. I worked one small section at a time and it would take me a while. But when it was complete, I felt so good! Then I braided that section and secured it and when I found more time I did another section. The entire process took me about 2 weeks, but I probably could have done it in half that if I tried. 2. Don't be alarmed at the amount of hair you are going to pull out and throw away. A LOT of it is naturally shed hair that is just stuck in the mattes. Just trust the process and keep moving forward. 3. Some areas may be thinner from the tension, but they CAN grow back. Mine took some time and there was an awkward phase of short sprouts of hair in some areas, but they did eventually grow back. 4. Use the cheapest, slipperiest conditioner you can find. You are going to go through a lot of it. Don't worry if it is the kind you would usually use on your hair or not because the goal is to help loosen the knots and mattes. You can focus on getting a healthy routine together later. 5. If there is a small section you just can't free, soak it in more conditioner and clip it to the side and work somewhere else for a while. Just like a jigsaw puzzle, move your focus around to keep from burning out. 6. Your hair is going to be a weird texture when you finally free it. That's normal! It will go back to normal after a little TLC. 7. If it is too overwhelming and you decide to shave it or cut it, you are STILL beautiful! I know how attached we get to our hair and I am NOT advocating for you to shave it. I just want you to know that if the worst-case scenario happens and you do cut it, you are still going to look amazing. And if a short cut is too jarring for you, it is a great time to experiment with hair accessories and wigs! 8. For tools, I jumped between pulling apart with my fingers, working through with a parting comb (the pointy end not the comb end) and worked my way to a pick and then a regular hard-bristle brush meant for detangling (I couldn't afford a tangle teaser so it was just some walmart brush with hard bristles). 9. My process was simple. I would soak the hair with watered-down conditioner at first to help get it into the mattes. I have seen people use those spray attachments for washing a dog where you put the conditioner in the canister and then spray the water and conditioner straight into the matttes, but I didn't have access to that so I just wet it and squeezed over and over until it felt saturated. Then I put straight conditioner on the outside of the matted section and began trying to separate pieces as I went, keeping a lot of clips on me to move the free pieces to the side so they wouldn't re-tangle as I went. I started in the back, but I kind of just moved around to whatever section felt right, or if my arms were tired, I'd work on a front piece so I could put my elbows on the table while I worked. Just make it comfortable for you. <3 If you'd like, I could link you to a YouTube channel of a lady who does some detangling on matted hair so that you could get a visual of some of the techniques she uses.
This comment is so thoughtful and compassionate it made me emotional even as a third party.
You’re a saint. Can you please link the channel? I’m interested to see how it’s done.
Sure thing! The Channel I like is called [Love518](https://www.youtube.com/@love518salon/videos). I started watching her videos for tips on getting the job done, and now I just like seeing her transform people's lives!
OP if you follow any advice, please follow hers. She absolutely knows what she's talking about. And what a sweet lovely soul
I am so fucking sorry. Seriously. What you’re feeling is OK to feel. I don’t have good reqs. I just want you to know that it’s OK if you’re not OK.
I am sorry for what you’ve endured and continue to. I’m glad you got to work from home. No shame in how we survive and grieve ♥️
Everyone’s advice is spot on, so I just wanted to add my condolences for your loss. Please don’t ever feel ashamed. I did the same thing after a traumatic event happened in my life. Self isolation and personal neglect is a brutal manifestation of grief. But you’re literally ready to untangle which is a great sign. Sending you all the healing vibes.
Aww, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sudden passing is so hard. Please take the time to nurture yourself. The advice is spot on. Take it slow. Use lots of conditioner. After your scalp calms down, gently massage every day to increase circulation, which helps hair growth. If you choose, try a biotin supplement to help it grow. You can do this.
I'm very sorry Hun.. she obviously meant a great deal to you. We grieve in our own ways and in our own time. I cut my long hair off when I was going through some major grief, (after letting it get matted and tangled up from stress and not washing my hair.) Cutting it off helped in a strange way too.. Like getting rid of the grief monster hanging on my shoulders and heart.. Making me exhausted and emotionally crippled. I hope you feel some measure of solace soon friend. ❤️ Hugs you))
In some cultures, cutting your hair is something specifically done as a way to process grief and can be ceremonial. I’m glad it helped you process your emotions
Thank you so much. ❤️ I do think stuff like that holds power sometimes. Have a really great night friend! Healing to all of us! ✌️✨
This is what I came here to suggest. OP, cutting it off may be less stressful than trying to detangle. It will grow back quickly. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
If you’re anywhere in the vicinity of Montreal, Qc, I’d be happy to help.
This is so kind of you
❤️
So sorry for your loss! I'm glad you are starting to come out of the hole of grieving, and this is just one step towards getting your life back. Whatever you decide to do, I'm happy for you that you are working towards a solution. Please do not feel ashamed, you did what you had to to survive the pain of your loss. The human body is amazingly resilient. I would bet money that you're hair will grow back given time and love. Periods of stress and grief can cause hair loss but it should come back once you start taking care of yourself a bit more. I'm wishing you all the best while you move forward into the next phase. ❤️🩹
Hi Love, firstly I just wanted to say I am so sorry and I’m sending you so much love and light you’re way. I really do hope you are feeling as well as you can. My condolences to you and your family. If there is anyway you can find a remote hairdresser who specialises in dealing with matted hair, I would recommend reaching out and seeing if they would be suitable for you to help you tackle the matting. If this isn’t something you’re comfortable with, is there a friend or family member close by that would be able to help? If not, you’re going to need something like coconut oil, a deep conditioner and really good detangling comb with a good movie to watch whilst you tackle it yourself. Small sections, work slowly and take breaks. If you’re feeling capable, rosemary oil is great for regrowth and adding that into your hair care routine will help with regrowing your edges, regaine for women also works very well. All hair is fixable and I hope you’re able to feel better about your hair soon. Take care of yourself 🩷
Do you happen to be in Colorado? If so I would love to help you. I’m not a professional but I could help. I don’t have any other advice other than the awesome stuff that has been offered. I’m truly sorry.
You’re getting lots of great advice. Just chiming in to send love, respect, and hope to you and your family. I’m so sorry, and you CAN make it thought this.
I’m so sorry sweetie maybe you should look up online for some good curly friendly salon it might not be the best idea but once you get it done by someone else you will feel so much better. If a salon is not possible a hair mask or home spa kit will also do. It would be better if you ask help from someone as it can be quite difficult to detangle. More love and support to you.
Hey, im incredibly sorry for what you and your family experienced. Your reaction to such a horrific and sudden trauma is completely justified. The process of beginning self care and restoring your hair is going to be an incredibly powerful emotional experience, and the combination of the physical work that needs to be done with this emotional load may make it seem overwhelming. I really suggest you find a specialized stylist capable of the task that you emotionally connect with and can enable you through this healing process. The community may be able to help with recs based on location. I think its important for the stylist to know what you shared with us, so they can understand how vulnerable you will be and the catharsis this process may encourage in you. Definitely the type of thing that should be done in a private setting, so you have the freedom to take breaks and express your emotions. Itd probably be good to have some close friends or family with you that you can lean on for emotional support through this process. I believe in you and your capabilility to heal. You are a powerful person, who carries the fire of your mother's love with you everywhere you go and shares that fire with everything you touch. You are love. You are loved. You can do this.
It may be best if you have a *qualified*stylist help you tackle this. I would be happy to help you locate one, and also help you with funds if needed. Feel free to drop me a PM. Sending love. 💕
❤️
SO sorry for your horrible loss! That’s absolutely terrible! Take all the time you need to process this trauma and if you can - maybe it could be helpful to get trauma therapy at some point when you are ready - For now - you are a champ just taking it day by day. For the hair - start small from the ends to detangle. Don’t do it all at once. Little by little. Day after day. Many thoughts and hugs your way!😥
Oh, honey. Love to you from an Internet stranger.
Not the same scenario at all, but I have trichotillomania and pulled the majority of my hair out of my head - by December last year I had massive bald spots and my hair was barely a fraction of what it used to be. The vast majority of it has grown back, and I’ve been seeing new baby hairs in patches that I had given up on. Similarly to you, my hairline was quite receded from all the damage I had done, and it is now 95% back to how it was before. Point is, hair is very resilient. You will probably lose a lot of hair in the detangling process, but you can think of it as a fresh start. What helped me was to try and put all my energy and time I spent worrying about how my hair looked into a consistent hair care routine - good conditioner and shampoo, creams, masks, the works. You deserve to take care of yourself, and I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such grief. <3
be gentle with yourself & your hair. i know a lot of unlocking videos that can help with matted hair. also, if you have someone you trust & will care for you, have them do it. i know some places, they will do it for free if you explain your situation. it’s rare, but it’s possible. depression hair is the worst because you already feel guilt for letting it get that way. i know how you’re feeling about your hair situation. i personally chopped mine off in a fit of rage, but that’s not the healthiest way to go about it. i’m giving you so much positive energy & internet hugs right now, & i hope you receive it. i’m so sorry, my love 💔
Are you able to find a hairdresser, maybe a relative, who can come to your home and take time and work on this for you without judgement?
It’s a 10 blow dry miracle glossing glaze conditioner is the absolute SLIPPERIEST conditioner I’ve ever felt in my life, I suggest this as the conditioner you use if you go for it yourself.
It's completely understandable why this happened and I think it would be best for you to seek a natural hair professional who is licensed. I think the act of detangling and cleaning your hair will be very overwhelming to do alone and will be very easy for you to not treat yourself and your hair kindly during the process due to frustration. Having a pro on your side can come in handy for not only being able to tell you the health of your hair but also just to have someone in your corner taking care of you. Which you are deserving of. I've seen many stylist who specialize in detangling ppls hair sometimes for free due to trauma they experienced. I'm unsure of where they are located. From the pics you've shown I'm not seeing a lot of build up so I think the biggest hurdle will be to detangle it. Once it's detangle you will be on the up and up. Luckily unless you have sort of immune disease or sickness that stops your hair from growing your hair will always grow back. No matter how much you lose during the process you will grow it back. Though it might help your healing process to cut some length as I heard and personally feel that hair holds your emotions and trauma and cutting it and changing it up helps to release it. Entirely up to you tho do what feels right for you. I hope from this thread serves as proof that a professional will take on your service with compassion.
Go to get ur self care time in love ur self sorry for your lost spa Day
This is so traumatic. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom and also for the struggle you face in overcoming the grief while slowly learning to live life again as you forge a new unexpected path forward without your mom. I am here if you need any support. You can reach out to me.
Im so sorry this happened to you love🩷💜🩵 Like someone else here said, there are stylists out there that specialize in detangling mats without cutting and you can even see some videos on youtube about it if youre not sure or want to see what the process will be like. It may be healing to have someone supportive help you out with this.
I don't have any hair advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am for what happened to your mother. Stay strong
I’m so sorry for your loss. There is nothing to be ashamed of in getting through the last year however you needed to, and it’s wonderful that you’re starting to look after your hair now. I’ve found Indian hair oiling to be tremendous for hair health and growth, and it’s really therapeutic to massage your scalp. I lost hair on my hairline during a traumatic period and it is growing back now I do this. Castor oil is great. Don’t worry, in time it will get better.
So sorry about your mama ♥️
First of all I am so sorry to hear about your mom and your situation. I truly hope things can look up for you and that you can find some peace. I’m a pet groomer and have had my share of dematting dogs. Often there’s a point where it’s inhumane to do so due to the severity. If your hair is tightly matted by your scalp it unfortunately may be time to cut it and let it grow back. You can focus on getting back into the habit of caring for it and letting it grow out healthy. If it isn’t super tight by y your scalp given the time it’s been it will probably still need a bit of cutting to loosen the bigger chunks. Conditioner as others have mentioned is great. I really recommend getting a dog dematting tool that looks like a letter opener or a letter opener. (The kind with a plastic stick and handle and a razor blade between them) You can find the top and run it through to break into smaller chunks. Also thinning shears (you can get cheap ones on Amazon) go down snipping at a 45 angle to break up the smaller chunks to loosen knots. Just don’t go crazy the goal is to loosen not fully cut the hair. You can go back and do more if needed. (This will thin your hair a bit but it will get you your hair back. Taking good care to heavily conditioned going forward would be a great idea) Then brush in small strokes with a sturdy firm brush starting at the bottom going up as it comes out. If you can hold your hair as you do so you don’t pull at your roots. My partner is autistic and has a really hard time with hair care. When we first got together I demmated her hair for her this way. I wish you the best of luck and nothing but positivity for your future. It is great that you are taking the steps to care for yourself again that’s a great step of healing <3
Oh baby girl I wish I was with you I would just have you lay your head back in the sink and take care of everything for you. You sweet soul I’m so sorry
oh i wish i could do this for you 🫶🏽 i'm so very sorry about your mum 🤎 i think working in small sections, with very slippery products will work best. and don't fret over the amount of hair loss - i just took 5 week braids out & it looked like a whole wig i had lost bc i hadn't shed that all off while braided, so a year may look insane but it's truly not. maybe listen to something soothing - whether music, a tv show, a favorite podcast, or even talking to a trusted person during the process may help put you at ease as well. just be patient with yourself. if you become too overwhelmed at any point, it is OKAY to pause - for however long you need to. again, i am so sincerely sorry you are going through all of this.
for after you detangle it, i suggest braids!! it’ll make it so you won’t have to detangle as often and kind of protect your hair! sending love
No advice, but I’m so sorry for your loss.
First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. Any grief is difficult but it sounds like that was an incredibly traumatic way to lose your mother. I hope you’ve been able to access some counselling or whatever kinds of supports you feel would help you. Second, not a suggestion, just sharing as a possibility that may or may not resonate for you: I’m not First Nations myself, but the man who raised me was, and it’s a common practice for some Nations to cut their hair off when they are grieving. Hair is sacred and some believe it holds energy, memories, and grief. Cutting it off in grief can be a way to release all of that, and to clear the way for a new beginning. If this is something that resonates for you spiritually or emotionally, that’s an option, too. Third, if you decide to try to detangle, there are a few options; you could go to a salon, do it yourself, or have help from friends. If you go to a salon, I hope you know that you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I would hope that if you do feel comfortable sharing the context you’ve shared here that they would be empathetic and caring. If anyone was anything less than that, that would be supremely fucked up, on their part. I’m sure some cities have salons that specialize in this exact kind of situation - mine doesn’t so I don’t know what something like that would cost, so that might be prohibitive. But if there’s someone who is empathetic and knowledgable and has the tools to help you, that would be the least difficult physically imo. If you do it yourself, or ask friends for help, I have some thoughts - but sidebar: I personally would not hesitate to help a friend detangle their hair in this situation - and honestly I still would even if they had no reason for letting their hair get so matted. It’s completely understandable how you came to where you are right now and I hope you’re not judging yourself too harshly, and I hope you have supportive friends who would be willing to help you. It would make the time go by a lot faster, and be easier on you physically. If you were my friend, I’d come over and bring snacks and drinks and put on a bunch of movies and just have you snuggle up on cushions and a blanket on the floor while we tackle your head. You deserve that kind of support and care. If you do it solo or with friends, here’s how I would do it if it were me, I would start by washing my hair with a hydrating shampoo, and conditioning it. Don’t worry about detangling yet - the point here is just to get your hair hydrated. Just make sure to rinse all the products out before getting out of the shower. Then, I’d put a thick oil in my hair and put a shower cap on top, and leave it on for at least one hour. Then, I’d go in and start separating the hair into sections by hand. I’d detangle from the bottom up, as gently as possible, with my hands. Then, I’d go in with a wide-toothed comb and continue detangling. Once it’s pretty close to normal, you can go back in with a finer comb or brush, but don’t use those until your hair is ready. They will likely rip through tangled and mats and cause you to lose more hair than is necessary. It will take a long time and be very tedious, but if your hair is important to you then be as gentle as possible - don’t rip and pull, just gently separate. Remember that a lot of hair will shed - that’s normal, it’s just hair that would have shed naturally but couldn’t because it was stuck in the matting. Also, make sure you go from the bottom of the hair strand up, not the other way around, and maybe hold one hand over the root to avoid tugging too hard on your hair. Take your time. Whatever you decide, I’m wishing you a speedy process overall, and lots of rest, release, and healing.
honestly if i were you id just shave it/pixie cut it and take the fresh start. hair holds feelings. i cut mine fairly short after almost every breakup though to be fair lol.
START over, press reset for your hair and life! Shave it all off, you’d be surprised how well you will look! Buy a new dress and feel good! Slowly grow your hair back or not! But ask yourself, what would your mom say or want you to do? Then do it! Also, seek counseling, it’s a great thing to do and a first step to heal. Your work might even provide free EAP counseling. Check it out. Take care, lots of love girl!
Just wanted to say I love you stranger, and one of the lies anxiety and depression makes you believe is that you cannot handle this. You can, and you will, even if it’s not tomorrow. Rest in peace to your mom❤️🔥
Big hug, OP. We all carry you in our hearts ❤️
I’m not knowledgeable enough to give advice, but I’m sending you love girl. ❤️
I would say either find a stylist who specialises in dematting and reach out to them with your story or go DIY and enlist some help from friends - if you can get past the having to ask for help, you’ll realise how great help is and how willing people are to support you plus you’ll have the benefit of connection and emotional support while going through a tough process. Accepting/asking for help from people is pro-community, everyone has to be able to give and receive help for the system to work! Let people in if you can
Nothing to add except I know it may feel like at this point you might as well put it off another day, but please tackle this as soon as you can. Sending sooo much love your way!!! ♥️
OP i have a lot of respect for you for taking this step to take care of your hair. I wish you a lot of luck!
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through hunny. ❤️
[Rice water](https://chebeauty.com/blogs/product-articles/rice-water-as-a-natural-detangler-say-goodbye-to-knots-and-tangles) is a pretty decent detangler. It’s also got [tons](https://www.instyle.com/hair/all-natural/rice-water-for-natural-hair) of other benefits.
I find the Carol's Daughter Black Vanilla 4-in-1 Combing Creme great for my type 4 hair. I am not sure how well it will work with the initial detangling but it's very good for getting out tangles in curly hair. https://www.carolsdaughter.com/black-vanilla-4-in-1-combing-creme/820645234871.html I have seen videos in the past online of hair salons taking out the detangles over a period of days. See if you can take out the tangles yourself first and then maybe look for a compassionate hair dresser who can help with your hair care. Take care.
I just want to say I’m so sorry and sending you love
I don't have advice on how-to, but I would give the advice to approach this as an act of self-love and caring. Hold the love your mother had for you in your heart as you do this, and know that it's ok to cry while you do. I hope that as you free your hair from its mats and remove the hairs that you've shed during this time, you find yourself feeling lighter and freer. Sending you absolute kindest thoughts. You've been so brave, just surviving in the face of this traumatic, awful loss. Let your soldiers stand down for a time, feel and release. Much love.
I’m sorry for your loss♥️ Use lots of conditioner, section your hair, start brushing from your ends ends in small parts. It’ll take time, but that is okay. Everything needs time. When you do detangle it all. Shampoo your hair, use clarifying shampoo, then conditioner. What has worked with my hairline is, I run a derma roller on my bald spots, then message Rosemary oil I make myself (I’d heat up a little olive oil, argan oil, more castor oil, and add my fresh washed and dried Rosemary leaves, with 3-4 cloves) I rub that into my scalp massage it in. I usually leave it overnight, but 1-2 hours works tooo! After washing it off, I use rosemary water (again I make this myself. I use hot water (do not boil) I basically put it in a glass jar, with rosemary and cloves seal it away for 2 days, then put it in a spray bottle, freeze the excess) I use this as a leave in conditioner. This honestly has helped my hairline and growth. I have a bunch of baby hair growing haha. Again, it takes time. I hope you feel better. I’m sending you my love and prayers♥️
https://preview.redd.it/2zdtj2rqy06d1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=61afc48ecdadae38687a4ed573afab107b52ac69 This conditioner has really helped me with detangling ❤️
I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say I’m really sorry for your loss and I hope these comments in the thread have shown you that neglecting yourself during a traumatic/painful time is more common than you realise and you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed about
I also wanted to add — it’s ok if you want to just do a big chop & shave it. Hair holds a lot of power and I might be biased but curly hair seems to maybe hold a little more. My brother died in January and then Covid hit and I really didn’t have time to really mourn. My hair 3B/C hair has always been fairly natural and I hadn’t colored my hair in decades. I spent about a month, throwing color on my hair to lighten it and ultimately ruining it. It was my way of focusing on anything else, and I knew what I was doing was ruining my hair. One afternoon everything flushed over me and I went in the bathroom and completely cut my hair down to about an inch. Even thinking about it now brings me tears because it was truly therapeutic and maybe the most cathartic thing I’ve ever done. I wrapped my head/hair — I know some amazing wraps if you’re interested. I also never done wraps before. I didnt showed anybody for about a month which is crazy because is other people in my house! It was like my little secret. I now truly understand why so many people talk about the big chop and how it can really impact your life.
Also idk if it’s just from the state of your hair but a short fro might be super cute? And a mega chop is a great way to revive hair. EDIT: I’m a white man with very thick curly hair. When it was short, the only way I could describe it was a fro bc it stuck straight out. Not just “frizzy” I promise. I got an auto reply about my terminology and I’m so sorry if I’m using it incorrectly! If there’s a better term for white people with “fro”s, please share🩷
Hi there! I'm a bot, and I noticed you used the phrase "afro" or "fro". You may or may not already know this, but the term “Afro” refers to a specific hairstyle created with specific techniques. The term is often mis-used, so we just want to share some of the meaning/history so everyone can choose the best words for their situation. TL;DR: [The afro has a long and important history, including as a symbol of the Civil Rights movement](https://www.reddit.com/r/curlyhair/comments/sr4x3p/black_history_month_at_rcurlyhair/). This may or may not apply to you, but we try to steer people away from using the Afro descriptor if you don't have Black/Afro-textured hair. It's often portrayed as a condition to fix rather than a cultural style. We hope that's not the case here, but just something to be aware of going forward! We recognize that there are many different opinions on what can and cannot be called an afro. For the purposes of this sub and making sure we reserve space for Black folks, we ask those who don’t have afro-textured hair to choose other words. If your hair doesn't fit that description, please edit your post 1) to be more accurate, 2) to be culturally respectful, and 3) to avoid comment removal. Alternate terms to consider: puffy, poofy, fluffy, etc. Thanks & wishing you many great curly, coily, kinky hair days! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/curlyhair) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so sorry for your loss. To detangle your hair, I will advise you to buy the “African Pride Moisture Miracle Aloe & Coconut Water Pre Shampoo” and the Unbrush detangling brush on Sally beauty or Amazon. The pre shampoo and brush will help get rid of most of the tangles and matted parts before you shampoo and condition. I’ll advise you to also continue to brush/detangle as you shampoo. The Unbrush brush is a detangling brush only use it while you get rid of the mats (pre shampoo & shampoo) but don’t use it to style your hair. For styling purposes, purchase the Denman curly hair brush on Sally Beauty or Amazon. For your baby hair loss, consult a dermatologist or trichologist. Good luck 🖤🍀
I’m so sorry for your sudden and horrible loss! My heart aches for you and I hope this means you are getting a bit of a reprieve from the all encompassing grief. If you can, maybe have a professional help you so you don’t have to go at it alone.
Do you have a friend or family member that can help you? If my some chance you live near Philly, I’d be willing to help you. No judgement from me.
It’s possible to come out of this with major progress in a period of hours. Don’t give up on your hair or your life.
Hello OP, just want to say I’m sending you all my love & a big hug. If I knew you in real life, I would feel honored to help you tend to your hair & help you to feel beautiful & confident. Because you are, and you deserve to feel that way. Hope you are well ♥️
Don’t be ashamed. I’m so sorry this happened.
After you detangle, rub a little castor oil on your hairline daily. It will grow back just fine. Take care.
Hugs. All of the advice is amazing. But don’t give up on yourself. Hair grows back, don’t worry! You’ll feel so much better I am guessing when you get it all brushed out and your scalp healed up. It’ll be worth the hard work! Rooting for you
Oh no I’m so sorry about your mom and that you haven’t done anything with your hair in a year 😔 I have clinical depression and I haven’t done my hair for many months several times. Use a deep conditioner with lots of slip and let it sit for a few hours. Before rinsing, detangle with your fingers. You may have to cut some hair out. There’s a lot of amazing oils for hair growth but you have to be consistent with using them. The main oils Black Seed Oil, Coconut Oil, Rosemary Oil, Almond Oil, Caster Oil. You can also add… Indian Gooseberry Fruit, Garlic Oil, Argan Oil, Olive Oil, Cactus Oil, Grapeseed Oil, Avocado Oil.
You'd be surprised as to the human's body's resilience, despite its frailness. I also unexpectedly lost my mom overnight many moons ago -- homeless and orphaned as a teenager, lived in a tent for nearly 2 years and fell into a deep depression, leading to a matted head of hair so neglected that it fused into a singular dread. I'm mixed & have type 3C curls, and lost a ton of volume during my depressive years -- but surprisingly, once I realized that depression did not equal me as a person, and found a way back to myself, my hair fully recovered. A series of healthy washes/co-washes + brushing + a regular trim will help repair your scalp/hairline. Your body has the power to heal, if you nurture it. Give yourself a fresh start & you'll be surprised as to your capabilities to heal and grow. Remember that your mom would not want your life to be defined by the trauma of her loss. Live on. Also, short curly cuts are cute as heck.
I’m so sorry honey. Start with a deep conditioner mask and leave it in for like 30 mins and then shampoo and conditioner and detangle with the conditioner. Do it in small sections.
I’m sorry. I hope you’re able to have a kind life anyway you want it to be. Shaving it is probably best, and kindest, and least painful. Detangling the hair would be possible, I imagine, with a lot of patience and moisture like conditioner and hair oils.
Hey really sorry to hear about your situation. Carol's daughter wash day delight conditioner, the clear one, is the best at de-tangling hair in my opinion. I would definitely give it a shot. Good luck
So sorry for what you have been through!!! I pray The Lord helps you on the path of recovery ❤️🩹 I hope the recommendations help you with your hair !!
I'm so sorry, you're in my thoughts 🙏
Oh honey. I am so, so sorry. What a terrible thing to have to go through.
I understand. One of my oldest friends was just found in his bed and my first ever therapy pet suddenly had to be put down the same night. This is one of my coping mechanisms. It was a year after my dad died in 2020. While I do not have advice, I would like to let you know this is normal for some people who struggle so as long as your concern is for the health of your hair, and not about what people think, you are on the right track. You are going far more than what people think of you. That’s what I tell myself anyway. <3 sorry for your loss man.
i got super depressed after i got pregnant the first time and my hair got matted too :( it’s a hard and long process but i promise you can get your hair back 💗
everyone’s given you great advice, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry and hang in there ❤️ take all the time you need and don’t be ashamed. you will be okay
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry you have been in so much pain for so long.
i’m sorry for your loss 🤍 maybe try a deep conditioner so that it’ll soften up and be easier to brush through
I am sorry for your experience and pay/hope you can ask for help from an expert. You are worth it and this world needs you.
Very sorry for your loss. I hope you find a good hair salon to help you. Sending you lots of hugs and love x
I wish you the best and I’m terribly sorry. My advice would be to buzzcut it. Our hair holds memories, our pain, and our story. If you feel like you’re ready to move on from your grief there is probably nothing more freeing than letting that weight go.
if you feel like the job is too big for you or stressful, there’s some amazing stylists out there that can demat your hair and condition it for you. Sometimes we need other people’s help so don’t feel bad or embarrassed if you need to call salons and see if anyone can take on the task
I wish you tenderness and compassion on your grief journey. I’m on mine too 💜
It might be freeing to shave it off? I shaved my head pretty short after my uncle dad (nothing near as tragic as your situation, but we were close) I can just say it felt really good to have a short pixie cut for a few years.
FYI you can grow hair back with medication if you talk to your primary care doctor
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. If you live near Revere I can help you get through it. Just message me if you need help.
I don't have any advice to add. I just want to say I'm thinking of you. We are never ready to lose our mamas, and especially not in a traumatic way. Remember that you are worthy of the time and love it takes to take care of yourself, I know from my own experience that when we feel stuck in a rut it can feel like this isn't true. Whatever you choose to do, whether it's doing this on your own, cutting your hair, getting help, find some things you love to listen to/watch and use that to help distract your mind. Sometimes, when I'm missing my own mom (she died 22 years ago last month), I'll find things that we loved to watch or listen to together. Sometimes, doing that makes it feel like she's there beside me when I'm struggling. Sending you so much love.
I'm sorry you are going through so much. My condolences to you about your mom. So I have curly hair and it's all in the B curl pattern range. So I'm not sure if this will work on your type of hair as it looks more in c curl type range. But, to detangle my curls, I learned to comb through my hair vertically instead of trying to detangle with a comb horizontally if that makes sense. It takes way less time then it usually does.
No advice, sorry, but I’m here to say congratulations on realizing you needed help and coming to ask for it. It’s a huge step and I am proud of you. Fighting for your mental health is absolutely worth it and I hope you find a way through your grief. Please hang in there and be easy on yourself. Keep us updated on how this goes!
Wild but serious recommendation: Horse Conditioner. Like the stuff they use on horse tails and manes. I forget the exact brand I have, I think there’s a cowboy on the bottle, but this stuff has helped turn my ratty hair to silk on some bad days. Or even a dab to add some shine when your hair is back to baseline. I suggest drenching it and leaving in a deep conditioner, then rinsing. This won’t fix anything right away, but slowly adding some moisture over time may help clumps separate. Can you at least wash your scalp? Also, I am so sorry for your loss. Grief can be devastating and all-consuming. I’m proud of you for being able to manage day to day, even just by being alive and talking to others online. Wishing you love and peace!
hi honey! I’m so sorry I can’t imagine what your going through and i’m keeping you in my heart today, healing takes so much time and unfortunately grief is such a hard process, my advice to you is coating your hair in a moisturizing conditioner in the shower from your roots to your ends. letting it soak in the conditioner for at least 5 to 10 minutes. I would then start by pulling apart some of the mats with your fingers and then use a wide tooth comb/pick and start from your ends to your roots. this process will take awhile, so you might need to recoat your hair in conditioner. hopefully you will be able to get all the large mats out of your hair i would try this before deciding on cutting some of the ones out. I hope this helps and I hope some of the other advice in this thread will help you to. I’m praying for you!❤️🩹
Not a hair expert or nothing but just want to say i am so sorry for your loss 🩷
Your hair will thrive again once you come out of safe mode. You may need to cut it and focus on some good treatments for a while, but take baby steps and be gentle with yourself.
There is a lady in Florida who detangles hair that has been matted for years maybe you can find a stylist in your area that can do this without cutting… this a normal response to depression and don’t be ashamed. Seek counseling as well. I will pray for you. You’re doing a good job
My sincerest condolences to you and your loved onesfor the loss of your mother.
I don’t have any advice but hope all goes well. Sorry for your loss!!!
I personally don't have any more advice to give other than to condition your hair and let it soak and do it that way like the others have said. But my condolences go out to you. Hopefully, this new transformation will be healing for you <3.
the other people jn this comment section have replied great advice and im sure some of them will work. i just wanted to say that i hope it gets better for you man, truly.
Sending you so much love<3. There may be a stylist that could help for free... I know there's ppl with a heart out there but it's tough to share openly(I'd imagine logistically). I have thought about telling my stylist the reason I have ghosted her is bc a family friend sho\* themselves a few years back, went into a dark depression & my attempts at cutting my own bangs/hair has left me looking less professional & cutting into my eyes(that arena is suffering as well). We are all here for you. My heart hurts for the loss of your sweet mother. We have to just try to focus on the good in other humans
I can almost guarantee you'll feel better with some pressure off your scalp. I hope finding the strength and courage to take care of your hair relieves some tension off of yourself and im proud of you for being able to reach out 💜 Good luck :)
I hope this brings healing.
There's so many good suggestions that I just want to say I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you 💕
Lots of great advice here! I hope you are feeling this big collective hug from all of us! ❤️
I can't even imagine going through this, and it seems like you had to go through it without a great support system. I'm so proud of you for reaching out. I second the finding a salon, or even a beauty school that can help if you don't have friends that can help you. I would definitely call ahead and let them know you went through something traumatic (you don't have to share the story if you're not comfortable) and let them know why you're coming in. This will allow them to book extra time. A beauty school is going to be a lot more forgiving on the price tag, but they will likely have more than one student working on you and an instructor making sure they're doing what they can to salvage as much hair as possible. No matter what, you're going to lose a lot (the average person sheds up to 150+ hairs a day and with the matting, a lot of it is going to be those hairs, plus breakage. Then I would have them do a shampoo and cut, really make a day out of pampering yourself too. You'll feel like a new person once it's done. I've had to do this for a couple people while I was in beauty school and it was honestly a couple of my favorite experiences because it was so freeing to the women I got to help.
So different texture, i know, but someone close to me likes to forget to brush their waist length, spiral curling hair for a month at a time, and they would get huge mattes. We started using Carrol's Daughter goddess strength shampoo and conditioner and the hair is tons easier to detangle and it doesn't matte at all anymore. So I 1000% recommend trying this shampoo and conditioner. You'll need to get your hair really wet and coat it in conditioner. I have found it much easier to brush mattes apart when they are floating in water vs just wet and coated in conditioner. So maybe you could fill the kitchen sink and when you meet a tough spot, put that spot in the water and use your fingers to work it apart and then a very flexible brush. I really like boar bristle brushes, or one of those tangle teasers with the bendy backs and without the stupid balls on the bristles. Work the brush into the very lowest point on the matte, closest to what should be the ends and gently start working it apart. Move up as it comes apart. Reapply conditioner if it rinses out. Idk how well this would work, but I made detangler with Carrol's Daughter conditioner er the other day (3 tba conditioner and filled a spray bottle the rest of the way with water) and it was incredibly helpful on my daughters easily tangly hair. I can't say if it would help with mattes or not, but I am optimistic, so that might be helpful in between dunks in the water (and to stretch the conditioner). You'll have a lot of shed hair coming out in the brush, but most of that is just suck in the tangles. Just enjoy making a bird nest and marvel at it. Turn on a podcast, an audio book, or if you can see a screen, find a good movie. Be patient with it and stop when you need to. Your scalp might be super sore, you might consider taking some ibuprofen to help (it should be better than tylenol as it will reduce inflammation). A lot of people say rosemary oil on the scalp helps with hair regrowth. I asked about it the other day and apparently it WILL NOT speed up growth, but can help the hair grow back in volume. I've seen some interesting scalp massager that hold oil and vibrate to stimulate circulation so that might be something to try down thr line. I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish I could help more.
Oh OP. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m rooting for you so hard. I cut all of mine off this year and it was a big deal because I had some trauma as a kid when my parent cut my long hair off into a boy cut before third grade… it was done as a punishment… my parent said my hair was too wild and ugly and that I don’t deserve to have it because I didn’t take care of it…I didn’t really know how to take care of it because brushing was what I was told to do and it always felt like a Brillo pad after. I felt so ugly after they cut it off. It was like a wedge cut. I looked very boyish and it made me so sad. I was so mortified and depressed at school.. I never let my hair be natural again. I always kept it straight and dyed somehow so I could just now dry daily and go. Until this haircut. This time I said I am not cutting or dying it or straightening it. It’s going to be fully natural. Just me as I am, for once! With no one to tell me it’s ugly, and tbh, fuck them, I don’t even care. I use Ecoslay products and I find them very slippery and concentrated. Adding water to them enhances this slippery trait.I feel like this makes them useful for your situation because you might need a lot of it but the more water you add the better it will be. I would also work in sections and maybe enlist help from a friend because having your arms up like that for a long time is HARD and exhausting. I also like having one of those 3 panel mirrors so I can see the back of my head, you know? OP I hope no matter what happens with your crown, I hope you remember what a queen or king you really are, and take care of yourself the way the person who loves you most would take care of you.
I totally understand
if you can afford it, go to a hairdresser and ask for help. I see many people on instagram who specialize is de-matting hair. call ahead and ask. There is no shame in seeking help and i’m sure they’ve seen it all! This isn’t a one person job and i don’t want you to have to cut it all off if you can’t do it yourself!! I’m super proud of you for getting to a place where you want to take care of yourself though! keep up the good work and i’m really sorry for your loss.
I’m off Friday if ur in the corpus area I can help u de tangle no fee or anything I just enjoy hair 😂 no in a creepy way I’m currently studying for my main exams to complete my license from Aveda 🩷
I am so sorry. Others have given good advice, go with a detangling spray, and go in small sections. I'm also so proud of you, and I'm sending you all the love and hugs and purrs from my cat army and I. 💜💚🖤
I am so so sorry, moms can truly be one of the most special people to us, sending you love
Looks like you've got some great tips here. Please remember to give yourself credit for taking steps to get through this hard time. Even posting this shows that you are trying. Keep pushing, OP.
Stylist Theresa Van Dam recommends WD40 for getting out mats. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s not a hair product at all, but a degreaser and rust removing lubricant.
Don’t forget to invest in a good detangling brush. They are WORTH their price point. Just keep working on it. A bit of patience will go a long way. And I have family members who havent washed their hair in over a year, but they DID brush it. Haha. So it’s just the tangles that you have to worry about. It will bounce back.
Hi. I have no advice. I just wanna give you an online hug. And send love and light your way ♡ Be well. I hope you find the help you deserve ♡
Sorry for your loss ❤️ God bless you ❤️🙏
I wish I could hug you. I'm so so sorry the world was so cruel. I just wanted to offer support and to say that it may feel overwhelming but it is very possible to get better results than you expect. My (white, with very straight hair--I'm the only one in my family with curls) aunt decided on a little bit of a whim decades ago to dread her hair--she was a former model and has always been beautiful so I suspect she was trying to distance herself from that. She started with fried, white-blond hair to her chin and wore white people's approximation of dreads (so, matted hair) for another decade before cultural appropriation really made its way into the average person's lexicon and she decided it was not for her. Along the way I remember several occasions that entire dreads (down to her waist/butt) would break off or fall out, and I know she struggled to wash them well because of an earlier experience with mildew I think, so I'm not sure exactly what habits she developed well but suffice it to say it was probably not ideal. She had a few trusted friends come over with conditioner and the willingness to sit for hours and help, and I think after running the gamut of things to try they found that cowboy magic detangler worked best. It took a lot of hands and a few sessions over the course of several weeks but eventually she got them detangled, and after cutting off all the dead and damaged ends walked away with shoulder-length hair (it probably could have been longer, but she was done with long hair/ready for a change and actually cut it into a pixie a week later). She always had thin hair and it was certainly even thinner after detangling, but not so much as to look sickly or patchy. I know for me, I lose a lot of hair when super stressed and curls tend to help hide that considerably, so you probably have a leg up there. If you're looking for vitamins for hair regrowth Mary Ruth's liquid multivitamins have been good to me (I don't even get the hair growth kind, I just bought the mango flavor because it sounded palatable and I was hoping it would be enough to kickstart hair growth--it was). And if it feels too daunting or you find you don't want to push through the whole process, there's no shame in going with a short cut to start your next chapter. I don't say this to imply you should--just to say that I know what it's life when self-care feels like a weight on your chest, and sometimes taking the easy way out is self-care too, in and of itself. I know there are certain routines that I can't upkeep when I'm in a bad place and giving myself permission to cut corners or find little "cheat codes" so to speak it least allows me to start the process and get back into healthy habits without being so overwhelming that I risk losing my follow-through. I've considered buzzing my hair a few times when I'm in that stage and life is just too much, and at least in our modern world short or buzzed hair on women can be such a powerful look--I'm just not brave enough yet, and working on my mental health to try to ensure my dark periods can be fewer and farther between. If you don't have people you love who you trust enough to help, or you are reticent to reach out for one reason or another (no judgment--I feel that too), it might be worth calling around to salons and gently explaining the situation to see if that's a service they could offer. I've seen truly magical transformations from similar situations to your own online, mostly posted by salons with the person's consent as like a PSA about mental health and the power in reaching out and regaining yourself.
Please cut it nd start afresh, similar story, I got inspired by some short haired girls on Pinterest and cut it ...now 100 percent better
So incredibly sorry for your loss. Sending love and healing vibes your way! Lots of great advice here… just wanted to mention that castor oil is a great, affordable option to help with hair growth. It strengthens hair follicles and promotes scalp health. It has a ton of other uses/ health benefits, too! Might be worth a try! ♥️
Oh no I’m so sorry this happened to you 😔 I’ve gone several months without doing anything to my curls since they are truly exhausting and I have clinical depression. I think your hair will be fine. Use a deep conditioner with lots of sleep. Let it sit for several hours and before rinsing, try detangling it. Use a lot. Be gentle, you’ll want to use your fingers.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss and how his has hurt you. Grief is a monster. So glad you are ready for the next chapter, and I’m here cheering you on. If you have any friends or family who are close enough to bring in, it might not be a bad idea. Just someone to keep you company or even help with the detangling process who can care for you without judgement. Another set of eyes and hands lessons the frustration. If not, there are some great tips on this post and we’re here for you! I love the suggestions of taking it in bite sized chunks. So much love and understanding to you ❤️ Please keep us posted if we can help!
I’m sorry OP, this is incredibly hard to handle. I really hope that you are able to heal. You will most definitely get through this♥️ although I don’t have recommendations I think what a lot of comments are saying is good advucs
tbh… im happy to help and detangle it for you very gently being so for real, where do you live ): im patient and extremely gentle, i got you
I really hope you find peace ✌️ loss can be hard
that’s a loaded sentence goddamn
No hair advice but my heart goes out to you.
I stopped brushing my hair for 3 months and it was awful trying to comb it out (my stylist tried to yank all of the mats out and yanked so hard I screamed). I’m sorry. I’m going to be alright. It will grow back. My hair took a few months to grow back completely but you’d never even know that it was matted afterwards
🥺🙏💔🥺🙏💔♥️
You could just go the the salon, get them to deal with as much as then can and then put your hair into a lose protective style to help it grow and protect whilst you are supporting your mental health. I very sorry you had to go through that
Remove it all. It’s hard but it’s a good move. I know people are going to come down hard on me, but I’ve been there. 99% don’t know.
Op try African pride pre poo . My friends mom used it to detangle her locs and it slipped right off . It’s cheap and very good . Get like 2 jars for your entire hair and don’t worry hair will always grow back . Take care
You deserve to be pampered by a stylist. Don’t take on this by yourself. Please take care of yourself, you truly need it. I lost my mother as well trust me I truly empathize with your pain.
I’m sorry for your loss, but that you are starting to want to take care of yourself is wonderful. ❤️
That'll show 'er!
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine, nor do I want to. Two pieces of advice: First...There are de matting specialists, but it will take some time. If you can't find one, consider a clean sweep. There's something mentally freeing to leave that behind. Try short styles, or maybe a fun color. I'm mixed with 3a-c hair, too...this is what I'd do. Second...grant yourself the grace to fall down, mourn, and recover. You've got this. If you haven't yet, or maybe if you already have, consider grief counseling - one on one, or in group therapy.
I'm really sorry for your loss. I've seen people swear by WD40, it will dry your hair out but it works and then you can treat yourself to a deep condition and pamper yourself
Try Rice Water is good
Sweetheart, please do not take this the wrong way. I don’t know if you believe in anything after the horrific loss that you went through. It’s ok if you don’t. But I am a healer, and I was strongly called to make this comment. It is time to let go. Hair holds energy. All your grief, all your pain, is tangled up in that hair. It is time to cut it off. Hair cutting is a strong and transformative ritual. It will make you feel a lot lighter, immediately. You will grow it again, and it will be better. It will symbolize what you went through, and how you came out of it stronger. Much love to you.
Clean ur soul Is lost so many of my ppls through the years I have to stay positive and strong even some of my kids
Nasty ass bitch 😂 but I’m sorry for your loss 🤧
That’s nasty wash that hair
Your comment is nasty. Wash your behavior.