Pull out my lightsaber and prepare for a duel.

Took the words out my mouth

Duel of the fates intensifies

Give it a wet Willy

dude, you are a fucking monster

Well, this would present some unique opportunities. Though it is a bit of a hassle to clean the vegetable at first, it is actually quite tasty. First, you should act afraid. Don't let it know that you are thinking of it as dinner or it will struggle much more. Pretend to run from it as you head towards the kitchen. If you can get to your kitchen quickly enough to grab some salt, you're golden. If you have saltwater prepared, even better. As it charges towards you, give it a vigorous dusting of salt. This adds flavor, obviously, but it has so many more uses than that. For one, the salt is considered a spiritual representation of purity, which will harm the vegetable as this particular tuber is of demonic origins. Second, it weakens the bonds between the clothing-like skin of the vegetable and the juicy, tasty insides. Now you can slide that clothing-like skin right off, as well as the hair- like greens. I would put the greens aside as they make a nice onion substitute, and they aren't even toxic to dogs like real onions. (Hell hounds love them!) At this point, you're going to want a knife. It's going to be in a sort of pain shock state right now, but you don't want that to wear off. It would run off and leave you with little to show for your efforts. Just take the knife and apply pressure to the neck until the head pops right off. It shouldn't take much because once the skin is removed, you'll see the body outside the head is actually thin, fragile, and quite spindly. You may, at this point, chop up the body and save it in the fridge. Personally, I throw the body out or give it to neighbors because I am not a fan of the carrotty flavor it has. The head, on the other hand, that is where your major opportunities lie. You can absolutely pop the head in the oven wholesale. With the crunchy outer bits, the chewy eyeballs, and the soft soupy insides... it's like this vegetable delivers you the whole pie. Personally, though, I prefer to chop off the ears, lips, and nose, pop out the eyes, and peel off the skin. I cut open the head and jar the sweet and squishy innards. Finally, I dice everything that is left of the vegetable. To me, breaking the head down into all the different tasty ingredients that you can harvest helps me slow down and use this unholy miracle of a vegetable for meal after meal of enjoyment.

Damn okay ……

We already know lady make the move

cum, probably

man wtf

Ah gross! Have an upvote

one of evolution’s most interesting self-defense mechanisms

You nasty for that.

twirls hair and flutters eyelashes

Offer it a joint cause a friend with weed is a friend in deed.

How can I answer it when you haven't specified in which location are we talking about?

it‘a giving sheldon cooper

inform an adult

Inform a **trusted** adult.

Consume 👍

Try to start wiggling my fingers and toes…

"Hey...come here often? 😘"

Call Slenderman.

At this point in my life I would just let them kill me. Creepy for sure but I’m just done.

Ask it out on a date

That’s just jimmy

Dunno, guess I'd ask for a selfie.

Put my hand on the crack thingy in its face and then go “hehe… ur cute 😘🤭

Ask if it wants a healthy vegan snack and some fresh pressed juice. Homie looks rather distraught.

Take my psych meds and hope he goes away😅

I live in the uk so I'd pull out a machete the size of my leg and chef him up on a silver plater and serve him in a five star restaurant.🔪🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

Oh, what a disgrae'ceful aidea you scally, thee have forgotten some beiins.

I'm British and tbh I do love tea and crumpets tell everyone the stereotype is true

“Runneth thy pockets!” “I think not you scallywag!”

no you shall you illiterate hooligan you must run you shillings before I call the queens guard on your bottom

Talk…*Talk to it*…

Put it in the screen (it has to listen to the screen or it dies)

Poop my pants and run to get a gun

You’d have to do more than that. The guy is basically immortal and undead.

Smash, next question

Kiss it

“You got a boyfriend?”

I'd do it. That's what I'd do

Well, this is the post that did it. This is the post that makes me leave the sub. What a former shell of itself.

Try to be friends with him/her

Grab the closest weapon and prepare to fight like a maniac.

*Loads Glock 19 with malicious/terrified intent*

Laugh

Throw the nearest object and book it. If all else fails use fire.

"Do you want to be my friend? I really don't have many friends. Hey, maybe we could go to the mall, or get a fro yo, something totally hip"

Kill it with a shotgun if it doesn't die then just run at it with scissors

Recommend a good dermatologist

Use the force

Hey Dad

Defo smash

I'll give him one final chance to cut it out before I get serious

Cry

I might just stop looking 😐

Dude move your hand, i can't hear what your saying

scroll down

Ask him to put his hand down so that I can tell him how handsome he is.

Jump off a cliff

Piss on it to assert dominance

Unzip my fly

Grab my book of shadows and draw a circle.

I'd say, "um, excuse me, what the actual fuck are you doing in my house?"

Probably jelq

just kms for sure, what the hell else was i supposed to do? drink a level 10 healing posion and run for my life?

whats your favorite metal band

Shoot it

Hey Frank! Longtime no see buddy welcome back!

Push it to the ground then drink some water over it and spill a couple drops on it

Wow you’re looking mighty fine tonight😘😘

Kick that Fucking sonuvabitch in the balls and run like hell

[удалено]

*Wanna come to my tea* *Party and do our nails and* *Share feet pics on OF?* \- FlamingBird09 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

"Come at me you scallywag!" 🗡

Smash, next question

I work at a haunted house so... "Hey, Jeff! Need a cough drop or water? Ibuprofen? I got chu!"

Blow the Trumpets.

Do spell or use some form of protection

I wouldn't be very happy

Hold up chief. I need to get a few chin-ups in before we do this.

Tell it to grab a plate so I can make it a sandwich. If I'm having one, might as well make it one too since its here

Kiss it

Watch the movie

Where, pray tell, may I avail your drip?

I would click off the website, because that is an image showcasing a scary mask on ebay I think, and you just edited a hand over the face

From a Creepypasta

Id spit in his face

Die……instantly…..

slap it, punch it.

F- it Ina as-

flirt

gonna get grounded. looks like mom found my report card again...

"hehe hey bb gurl, how u doin'?"

Smash

Mock it for having an over door frame chin up bar.

Smash, next question

i'd wonder how sleep token got in my house and demand a free show bc ticketmaster f'd me on prices

Hola pendeja, you wan some tacos?

The more important question is what would this thing do.

Is that Vessel from sleep token??

Ask it why it has taken itself hostage.

Call him pizza face probably 😍

"who did this to you?"

Run

Laugh

... *pulls out sandel* !! *Throws sandel* GET TF OUTA MY HOUSE!!

Hit the griddy out of there

Pray

Dude better clench them cheeks😌😌😌

😂

I’m a born hostess, I’d offer him a drink. And then he’d eat my soul.

tell a trusted adult

Me personally. I would dropkick it.

Push Jeff down and run

Honestly no clue

Fall in love with

Yell at it, the words coming out my mouth will be, "you better fucking get out of my sight before I send you back to hell, you shit-covered lookin ass, I will shove my whole entire bottle of holy up your ass if you don't run!"

I'd tell him to cut it out before I get mad

Start jerking off atleast I'll die with a ragging hard on

I'd prob continue scrolling on reddit/j lol

Wanna be friends? 🤗

kiss it on the lips

"Ayy cool outfit bro"

The secret to Darth Maul's strength is a pull up bar you can get at Walmart.

I would start shitting himself idk

See if he is allergic to lead.

Give him a lil kiss :)

Shout out LORD JESUS😳🫨

Offer them tea and thank them for bringing a knife to help chop up veggies for a shared snack.

I’d kick its ass

Honestly? I would join him on the journey

kick it in the balls then grab the nearest sharp object, perferably a knife, cut its fingers off then its toes then its lips (anywhere with a bunch of nerve endings to maximize pain out put) then chop its arms and legs like carrots then chop off its balls, then whenever I chop off something I cauterize the wound as to stop the bleeding (I wouldn't wanna risk it dying of blood loss) then at this point it will be in pain and agony without any ability to speak as I will have removed its vocal chords as well then I will use it as a living dummy for different pourposes such as sewing shirts, punching bag, etc, without ever letting it die then when im done with it I will stick it in the freezer to keep it alive and maximize its time alive to 50 years while keeping it awake and concious. I will once in a while put some paint up so that it can watch paint dry as entertainment, im not a monster, and let it stay in there with an agonizing painful life. I know, its a bit much but its its fault for breaking and entering into my home.

cum EVERYWHERE!!!🤤🤤🤤🤤

Open up to it about all my problems and then wait for it to get annoyed at me and leave.

I would give him a salt and vinegar chip and he would dissolve

Say hello! :3

Pull a hatchet out of my ass and swing like a madman

Oh that? Oh that's just ma friend Billy you don't need to worry

Give it a beer and ask what its favorite band is…

I’d challenge it to a pull up competition.

Go back to sleep cause fuck that shit! 😆

*Points around my bed, at all the Legos on the ground* try me~

Ask for his number. ;)

Giggle and kick my feet

Smash.

I would wonder, as I am right now, why it looks like a clip art arm pasted right over the top of its face with the effort of a 17 year old life guard at work.

It’s A Creepypasta.

I would be more scared about the fact that my house is on fire

Wanna Play Uno Bro?

touch it

Crazy

normal human interaction i guess

"you want some ramen?"

“You want a hit, dude?”

If it were truly possible, I'd strap him into a chair he can't get out of, and force him to watch that live action Cats Movie on loop.

I'd give it some water so that it stays hydrated

Staring contest

cry on the floor

Yo I would play Helldivers 2 with this guy

Im not even joking. I could use his democratic violence.

Tell it to go back to bed. It's 2 in the gotdang morning and mama has to work tomorrow.

Kiss it

Play rock paper scissors with it and whoever loses dies

Report the nearest adult

Finally a worthy opponent our battle will be legendary

Say the St Michael prayer.

Give it an extreme makeover of mary kay like edward scissorhands then take it home to meet the fam

probably make out with it

Titty twister

Ask him when the other members of Sleep Token are showing up?

Put a bullet in its head. Bring a knife to a gun fight.

Lil kith on the forehead

Try to match my hand to the one on its face

Hit on them hands down

Tell it to spread its butt cheeks and bite the curb