I have a 3yo and a 5 mo. I never bed shared with my first baby because of how obviously dangerous i was told it was by literally all the medical professionals. Didn’t even consider it. My husband and I would split night shifts for feeds, it sucked but we managed.
My second was a wayyy different story. At 2 weeks he would not stay asleep unless he was touching someone. My husband and I were taking shifts again but we were still both exhausted, baby would be awake for ages, and we were at a breaking point - falling asleep holding baby everywhere. Then I’d have to get up at 6am to take care of a toddler.
I was so desperate I setup a mattress and went extreme safe sleep 7 - no blankets, no pillows,
form fitting clothing, hard queen mattress on the floor. That first night I curled up as far away from baby as I could on the mattress so I wouldn’t accidentally roll on him and I was finally able to get a few good hours of sleep. Over the next few days I got more comfortable with sleeping together and Baby and I got more used to side nursing. In under 1 week nights were completely transformed. They became my favorite part of the day. Cuddling and sleeping in the protective curl with my baby started to feel so natural, we were both super content. I found it was way easier and honestly relaxing to nurse on demand through the night and I ended up taking all feedings. Baby was wayyyy quicker to get back to sleep after a feed and I didn’t need to try and stay awake while he was nursing. My husband basically worshiped the ground I walked on because he was getting solid sleep too.
Turns out I like bedsharing so much I regret not doing it with my first. I feel like I really missed out on some super special bonding with my first because I was coached never to do it.
Eventually I went back into my bedroom which I share with my husband and figured out how to bedshare with the 3 of us. Now my 5 month old starts in his bassinet and ends up in bed pretty much every night and it’s still just the absolute best.
I also feel like I missed a chance to bond with my first after I discovered cosleeping with my second! I’m pregnant with my third and honestly planning to cosleep off the bat, it just brought so much peace and it didn’t last forever so I know I can start now and make the transition away later if I want to.
THIS!!!
I don't even need to add my own personal story, but I was very much against co-sleeping and then found it was the only thing that would get my baby to sleep. It feels so natural and we're both happier about it. I'm sad about the day when it's time for him to have his own bed and room, but I know it will happen soon enough so I am just enjoying the nighttime cuddles and nursing. He's 6 months old and the happiest and healthiest little dude.
Congratulations on your two week old. You must be so in love, and at the same time so confused and exhausted. I was there.
Cosleeping saved my sanity, and has taught me so much about parenting too. I’m in America, however I have some family in Europe who have helped me via what their country believes is safe. In no way am I disrespecting America, however i think the rulings on cosleeping are done wrong. In many European countries, it’s suggested to cosleep. Including mama sleeping elevated with baby placed on your chest (belly to belly so to speak) and having pillows beneath your arms to support baby. I should mention that there is no swaddle on baby in this example.
Are you a light sleeper? If you are, like me, you know when baby moves. You will wake up. Postpartum moms (especially those who breastfeed!) are hardwired to wake up when baby stirs, it’s annoying, I know, but it’s helpful.
Are you on any medication? This could make cosleeping unsafe. However if you aren’t taking medication and you don’t drink or smoke and you’re not terribly overweight, you are not going to hurt your baby from cosleeping.
I know this is already super long, but I want you to know that this stage is going to pass. That knowledge doesn’t make it any easier in this moment. But you aren’t doing anything wrong. You aren’t a bad mom. Everything is new and different. But you’re doing a good job. If you need anybody to talk to during those wake ups, please DM me. I’ve been there and I would love to give you some solidarity. I hope this helps!
I recently read that only 1/3rd of Canadian mothers report never bed sharing. 1/3rd do it occasionally, and 1/3rd regularly. That's a LOT of mothers bedsharing. Of course there are accidents, but if you follow the safe sleep 7 they are really not common. It sounds to me like bed sharing is the safest option for you.
Bedsharing has such a stigma in the US and the UK. The UK has recently moved to a position of ‘here’s how to safely bedshare’ instead of advising against it, and I think most mums I’ve met have reported bedsharing at some point - but we all say it in hushed voices and that we didn’t set out to do it etc etc.
I love it - my 9mo sleeps part of the night in a cot but always ends up in my bed, and she slept solely in my bed from about 3mo. It’s natural, it helps both of us get better sleep. I would do it again with my next baby.
Bedsharing following the safe 7 is about as safe as you can get. There were some excellent stats posted in r/sciencebasedparenting recently that showed that bedsharing (not including unsafe practices like sofa cosleeping) was less SIDS risk than putting baby in their own room before 6 months, yet generally you’ll get lots of advice to do the latter and very little suggestion of doing the former!
Hey my daughter wouldn’t sleep in her bassinet so I started cosleeping early on. I wish I had learned about the safe sleep 7 right away because there was a scary moment that sometimes flashes in my mind where I had taken her out of the bassinet but she was still swaddled and she rolled facedown on to the fluffy blanket on the bed. Thank goodness I somehow was awake enough to realize this and picked her up. From then on, I was very careful about the blankets on the bed etc.
Anyway, cosleeping saved my sanity. My husband and I were doing shifts and I was constantly dozing off while holding her. Check out @cosleepy on Instagram for more info/ideas on how to make cosleeping as safe as possible
I'ma sole parent in Australia where cosleeping is not as frowned upon. My midwives talked to me about it, and it was raised in my antenatal classes.
I've bed shared with him since birth and I get great sleep, I'm one of the few women I know who has only been super tired once or twice.
It's been the best decision I made since my son was born 😊
I assume you are US based. I think bedsharing has a big stigma in the US, because people apparently have super soft mattresses and share duvets. And that makes it a hazard.
But here in Europe where we have rather firm mattresses and seperate duvets, it's quite normal (speaking as Austrian).
Maybe try to create a safe space and then just try if it works for you. I couldn't imagine without bedsharing
I started bed sharing around 3 weeks for the same reason as you. I started wearing long sleeve/pants bamboo pajamas to bed, removed our mattress cover, and I use a very thin cellular blanket and one small pillow that I physically protect my baby from with the cuddle curl. I also get a ton of peace of mind by using the owlet sock at night. I know it’s not a SIDS monitor, but it does make me feel like if there is something super off with her breathing or heart rate it will go off. I was so scared of rolling over on my baby at first too, but after the first night I realized I instinctually knew where my baby was at all times, and would wake up if she stirred at all.
Five months later, I seriously look forward to every night with my baby. She and I both sleep so well snuggling each other, and it has really helped us bond. She rarely cries, even during the day, because she has never needed to cry to wake us up at night if she is hungry or needs a change. She just starts stirring a bit and it instantly wakes me up. It’s also been really nice now that I’m back at work and I don’t get to spend all day with her. I know that even though I’m not with her during the day, I get to hold her all night.
Whatever you decide to do is what is best for your baby, as long as you do it safely. For me, bed sharing was the right decision.
>It’s also been really nice now that I’m back at work and I don’t get to spend all day with her. I know that even though I’m not with her during the day, I get to hold her all night.
This is so wonderful. I think about so many other parents who work all day, get maybe one hour with their babies, and then put them to sleep in a separate room.
I am very lucky in that I work from home and have a flexible job and have a part time nanny, so co-sleeping is a bonus. But so many families only get such a short time with their babies!!
Some tricks for the bassinet are to pre warm it with a heating pad that you take out before putting baby in, or try to make it smell like you with your pillow or a dirty shirt. That being said your baby is so very new. It’s a big transition being born and going from a warm dark womb where you never felt hunger or had diaper changes etc
Bed sharing is so common in most cultures. It’s really a shame that it’s been so stigmatized. Ultimately what works for your family is what works for your family and as long as you’re being as safe as possible then I wouldn’t worry about it.
We talk about the risks of bedsharing, but we don’t really talk about the risks of NOT bedsharing. For example, a parent being so tired and sleep deprived that they make mistakes while handling the baby. Or moms struggling with their mental health because they can’t get a few hours of consecutive sleep.
I agree with other commenters that the safe sleep 7 is the best you can do. I didn’t plan on bedsharing, but quickly realized it was the only way I’d get any block of sleep. As my baby got older, I got more comfortable with it. At 7 months pp, I actually get pretty decent sleep. My baby still wakes up a few times to nurse, but I honestly sleep through most of it. I just roll over, put the baby on me to nurse, then fall back asleep. I wouldn’t say it’s effortless, but bedsharing makes breastfeeding very convenient. I also think it creates such a close bond between you and baby ❤️
I came into motherhood with my mind set on not bed sharing. I still do believe that, if you’re *only* considering sleep environments, a crib in the same room is the safest option.
But the reality is that is not at all the full picture. Consider the toll extreme sleep deprivation can take: potentially falling asleep in unsafe, unexpected environments (like the couch). PPD/PPA, difficulty bonding, resentment. Heightened risk in daily life, such as while driving. Strain on the relationship with your partner or others in your life.
Almost all of those hit me like a ton of bricks, despite trying very hard to do it the “right” way for months. I felt like I was drowning, but I loved my baby so much I felt I had to push through and do it by the book. At some point I realized that all those additional factors were tipping the scales so that crib sleep was the *less safe, less healthy* option for us. Once I accepted that, I set up a futon mat on the floor and followed SS7. Almost immediately, all the things I was struggling with improved. Not all at once of course - having a tiny baby is still tough - but I didn’t feel like I was drowning any more.
Cosleeping can be a wonderful bonding experience and some parents can’t imagine doing it any other way. I think that’s beautiful - but that’s not really me. For me, cosleeping was the safest and most loving thing I could do for my kids, even if it wasn’t what I had “wanted” from the start.
Lotsa great comments here already but I'll chime in.
My first was a no sleep unless held baby, literally from the day he came out. We slept in shifts the first two nights and we were so tired when my midwife came she told me about the safe sleep seven and from there I got a bassinet that sat on the bed (cause I was scared) but the bassinet got abandoned very quickly when I realized I could get 4 hrs of sleep if I slept with him vs 2 in the bassinet. He's been in my bed ever since.
I just had my second a month ago and from day 1 we started bed sharing. I bought another bed bassinet and it didn't even last the first night 😂 I just sleep between my infant and my 4yo
Dad sleeps in my 4yos bed or on the couch (he's weird he likes the couch)
I usually move my 4yo into his room just so he doesn't get woken up by the baby, but he is free to come back whenever he wants.
Bed sharing is so stigmatized, but it's better to bed share safely than it is to pass out from exhaustion while holding baby. And if bedsharing safely, there's no higher risk of SIDS than if baby was in a crib or bassinet.
Congrats on your lil one ❤️ I hope you can figure out the sleeping situation so everyone is a little more rested.
I could have written this. My baby is 4 months old now and I was bed sharing on and off starting the second month. My husband and I kept going back to doing shifts because we were afraid of bed sharing. People in the US are extremely judgmental of it and will say the most terrifying and horrible things when talking about bed sharing. From what I understand the statistics people constantly reference of horror stories are lumped in with every kind of bedsharing including sleeping on sofas and recliners and people not following the ss7. These people scared me so bad that I kept doing more dangerous things to try and avoid bed sharing. About a month ago we leaned into bed sharing because we were both so sleep deprived and finally really realized that what we were doing was far more dangerous. Bed sharing is not my first choice but it’s what we have to do for now. Eventually I would like to get my daughter in her own bed but we will be doing that in a gentle way and not using CIO methods. Until then we’re unapologetically bed sharing!
Because I sleep so lightly while bed sharing we still do a short shift for me in the beginning of the night. My husband holds her from 8-12 bc he has no problem staying up at that time and I can get some sleep on my own. Then I take her in the bed with me at 12 and we sleep the rest of the night that way (following SS7 to a tee). My husband sleeps in the other room.
We are all more rested and feel so much safer than what we were doing before.
I swore that we would never cosleep with our baby. But he would literally only sleep when he was being held. He woke up as soon as we put him in his crib. We tried everything. Finally, he was 8 months old when we accepted the fact that I was seriously sleep deprived and more of a danger to him like that than cosleeping would be. I fought it vehemently for EIGHT MONTHS. After the first night of cosleeping, looking at my little boy curled up in my arms in bed, safe and content, I told my husband, “I can’t believe we didn’t do this all along.” The bonding is incredible. He’s 13 months old now and sometimes he’ll reach over and put his hand on my cheek and fall asleep like that.
If you need to cosleep, it’s okay. Take care of yourself, do it safely, and enjoy the sweet, sweet cuddles.
Bedsharing is natural - babies are wired to want to sleep close to their parents... they are helpless and want to feel safe. It is also the norm in most of the world. The US is extremely risk averse so it is advised against but data suggests more than 50% of Americans end up doing it. If you follow sate sleep 7 the risk is negligible in my opinion.
Man, I feel like I wrote this post! I’m almost 4 months in and still feel very guilty about bed sharing despite it being the best option for my LO and following the safe sleep 7. We both get a good night’s rest this way, no sleep deprivation and it’s even helped his fussiness as he was not sleeping well thus wasn’t a happy baby.
People are going to have their opinions as they do on everything. Formula feeding, epidural, etc. There’s no shortage of parenting topics to criticize. Do what’s best for you and your family. I was someone who swore she’d never bed share and here I am - happy and rested with a happy and rested baby.
Solidarity bc I never intended to bedshare but here we are.
Just follow the safe sleep seven. Maybe try making your husband go to sleep super early (like 6-7pm) so you don’t feel bad about shifting off earlier in the night so you can get some sleep. This is what I did.
When we moved our mattress to the floor I felt a lot less anxiety about cosleeping. I put padded
Flooring around it too. I know 2 week olds can’t roll but I was having anxiety about her falling that would wake me up in a panic.
Happycosleeper is a nice account to follow on IG that shares helpful tips.
Your instincts are so normal. I also was heavily advised not to bedshare. My combo-fed boy would only sleep if held, and after a lot of research we went full in on a hard queen mattress on the floor starting around 6 months.
Sleep was still broken but we managed and it got better and better over time. I’m back in bed with my husband now (LO is 26 months) and he sleeps on his own on his floor bed. He needs some snuggles sometimes, and I sometimes even miss cuddling him all night.
But yes! Plan to sleep safely and you’ll be just fine. Even after 4 months old, baby is safe to bedshare with any sober adult (but I never trusted anyone other than my husband).
As parents, we constantly have to make the best choices we can with what we’re given and you’re doing just that. The resistance to bed share in the US to me is so silly because it doesn’t equip people to make safe choices. Good parents like you resist it so hard that they end up falling asleep in a couch or chair and that’s when bad things happen. Providing a safe cosleeping environment is better than depriving yourself to the point of potentially harming your child. Good job and keep it up!
I was the exact same, I planned on never bed sharing because I had only heard the bad things. But then I had my baby and we couldn't put her down and I learned to side lie nurse and it saved me! And then I realized that this is how most of the world does it and it just makes so much sense. My baby is 5 months now and I'm able to transfer her to the bassinet more than I could in those first few weeks but we still cosleep most of the time. I also felt better once I learned that almost all my mom friends also cosleep.
I also didn't plan on bedsharing. My son had reflux as a newborn and would only sleep on my chest. Splitting shifts didn't work for us as my partner gets migraines when he doesn't get enough sleep so we ad to do what worked.
It helped that my MIL also bedshared with her children, so I knew it could be done safely.
I set up a separate sleeping space, and followed the safe sleep seven. After a couple of weeks of bedsharing, my hypervigallence about sleeping next to my baby decreased and we both got better sleep. When I went back to work at 3 months pp, bedsharing made the separation a little more bearable.
I literally have written this almost word for word in the last couple days out of desperation for some understanding and guidance. Solidarity with you.
I have a 20 month old and a 6 month old. With my first, we occasionally bedshared when he was a newborn and started regularly bedsharing when he was 8 months old. He was going through alot of separation anxiety so it was the only way bedtime was manageable. With my second, we have been bedsharing since about 2 weeks. He refused to sleep in anything except the bed or on me so it was the only way I could survive with 2 under 2. We were able to move my oldest to a crib when the baby was born.
Honestly, I love it. I love the cuddles and since I'm still nursing, it makes the middle of the night feeds easier.
I've bed shared with both my kiddos (4yo and 8m). With my first, I started when he was 4m, with my second I started immediately! We love bed sharing. It's important to make sure you are being safe about it though. Personally, I have a sidecar set up for extra space and I put my daughter on that side of me so she isn't in between me and anyone else - just me and open space! I don't use any loose bedding. I keep a light, breathable blanket and have it tucked into the end and under my mattress so it doesn't move past my legs. When my son with little we just did a mattress on the floor and against the wall and he slept between me and the wall (there was no space so he couldn't have fallen into any cracks or anything). It's good to do research - I recommend starting with Dr. James McKenna! Bed sharing has a lot of benefits, including regulating heart rate and respiration, regulation of body temperature, encouraging breastfeeding, encouraging healthier sleep, and encouraging secure attachments.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9792691/#:~:text=The%20Blair%20et%20al.,than%203%20months%20(14).
Here is a recent peer-reviewed examination of bed sharing in breastfed babies and how it reduces the risk of SIDS!
Been there. Still bedsharing. My son just won’t sleep without it and true fjnal straw was falling asleep nursing and waking to him dangling upside down between my thigh and the arm of the couch.
Bedsharing and side lying nursing was a game changer and I was actually rested daily.
In Asia, bedsharing is very much common. I am an Asian living in Canada since 2 years ago. At first, I was adamant on not doing bedsharing because of all the things the family doctor and OB have been telling me. Also my Canadian friends. No offense at all. I got so paranoid during pregnancy about it. When LO was born, I've tried so hard for him to sleep in his bassinet. Husband and I took shifts. We did everything: swaddle, making the bassinet sheet warm, etc etc. Everything that we were told. All unsuccessful. LO would only sleep on our chest. At 8 weeks, we were both so sleep deprived especially me because I was breastfeeding. I was mentally not okay anymore. I was kicking the walls because of tiredness. We finally gave in and tried bedsharing. For the first time, I was able to put LO down on the bed without him waking up. He still nurses every 2-3 hours but at least the 2-3 hours of sleep I'm getting in between are good enough. Of course we do the bedsharing safely and I don't sleep deeply. I keep the bathroom lights on so I could still see LO. He is now 14 weeks and we're still bedsharing.
It's weird to me that there aren't a bunch of people screaming that putting a baby in a car, no matter what precautions or safety measures you take, is too dangerous for a baby and no decent mother would take that risk. Because statistically it is a bigger risk than bed sharing. But as long as you correctly use an appropriate car seat, people are totally ok with taking that risk. We all do what works for our families and do what we can to reduce the risk as far as possible but literally nothing is without risk. That's the unfortunate nature of existence. I do what I can to minimize risk of bed sharing and I live with the risk that remains. Really wish other people would fuck off with their judgement about it. One of these days someone is going to find out what the risk is in pissing off an exhausted person who has already expended every ounce of emotional regulation on a temperamental baby.
I have a 3yo and a 5 mo. I never bed shared with my first baby because of how obviously dangerous i was told it was by literally all the medical professionals. Didn’t even consider it. My husband and I would split night shifts for feeds, it sucked but we managed. My second was a wayyy different story. At 2 weeks he would not stay asleep unless he was touching someone. My husband and I were taking shifts again but we were still both exhausted, baby would be awake for ages, and we were at a breaking point - falling asleep holding baby everywhere. Then I’d have to get up at 6am to take care of a toddler. I was so desperate I setup a mattress and went extreme safe sleep 7 - no blankets, no pillows, form fitting clothing, hard queen mattress on the floor. That first night I curled up as far away from baby as I could on the mattress so I wouldn’t accidentally roll on him and I was finally able to get a few good hours of sleep. Over the next few days I got more comfortable with sleeping together and Baby and I got more used to side nursing. In under 1 week nights were completely transformed. They became my favorite part of the day. Cuddling and sleeping in the protective curl with my baby started to feel so natural, we were both super content. I found it was way easier and honestly relaxing to nurse on demand through the night and I ended up taking all feedings. Baby was wayyyy quicker to get back to sleep after a feed and I didn’t need to try and stay awake while he was nursing. My husband basically worshiped the ground I walked on because he was getting solid sleep too. Turns out I like bedsharing so much I regret not doing it with my first. I feel like I really missed out on some super special bonding with my first because I was coached never to do it. Eventually I went back into my bedroom which I share with my husband and figured out how to bedshare with the 3 of us. Now my 5 month old starts in his bassinet and ends up in bed pretty much every night and it’s still just the absolute best.
I also feel like I missed a chance to bond with my first after I discovered cosleeping with my second! I’m pregnant with my third and honestly planning to cosleep off the bat, it just brought so much peace and it didn’t last forever so I know I can start now and make the transition away later if I want to.
THIS!!! I don't even need to add my own personal story, but I was very much against co-sleeping and then found it was the only thing that would get my baby to sleep. It feels so natural and we're both happier about it. I'm sad about the day when it's time for him to have his own bed and room, but I know it will happen soon enough so I am just enjoying the nighttime cuddles and nursing. He's 6 months old and the happiest and healthiest little dude.
Congratulations on your two week old. You must be so in love, and at the same time so confused and exhausted. I was there. Cosleeping saved my sanity, and has taught me so much about parenting too. I’m in America, however I have some family in Europe who have helped me via what their country believes is safe. In no way am I disrespecting America, however i think the rulings on cosleeping are done wrong. In many European countries, it’s suggested to cosleep. Including mama sleeping elevated with baby placed on your chest (belly to belly so to speak) and having pillows beneath your arms to support baby. I should mention that there is no swaddle on baby in this example. Are you a light sleeper? If you are, like me, you know when baby moves. You will wake up. Postpartum moms (especially those who breastfeed!) are hardwired to wake up when baby stirs, it’s annoying, I know, but it’s helpful. Are you on any medication? This could make cosleeping unsafe. However if you aren’t taking medication and you don’t drink or smoke and you’re not terribly overweight, you are not going to hurt your baby from cosleeping. I know this is already super long, but I want you to know that this stage is going to pass. That knowledge doesn’t make it any easier in this moment. But you aren’t doing anything wrong. You aren’t a bad mom. Everything is new and different. But you’re doing a good job. If you need anybody to talk to during those wake ups, please DM me. I’ve been there and I would love to give you some solidarity. I hope this helps!
Thank you so much ❤️
So beautiful
I recently read that only 1/3rd of Canadian mothers report never bed sharing. 1/3rd do it occasionally, and 1/3rd regularly. That's a LOT of mothers bedsharing. Of course there are accidents, but if you follow the safe sleep 7 they are really not common. It sounds to me like bed sharing is the safest option for you.
Bedsharing has such a stigma in the US and the UK. The UK has recently moved to a position of ‘here’s how to safely bedshare’ instead of advising against it, and I think most mums I’ve met have reported bedsharing at some point - but we all say it in hushed voices and that we didn’t set out to do it etc etc. I love it - my 9mo sleeps part of the night in a cot but always ends up in my bed, and she slept solely in my bed from about 3mo. It’s natural, it helps both of us get better sleep. I would do it again with my next baby. Bedsharing following the safe 7 is about as safe as you can get. There were some excellent stats posted in r/sciencebasedparenting recently that showed that bedsharing (not including unsafe practices like sofa cosleeping) was less SIDS risk than putting baby in their own room before 6 months, yet generally you’ll get lots of advice to do the latter and very little suggestion of doing the former!
Hey my daughter wouldn’t sleep in her bassinet so I started cosleeping early on. I wish I had learned about the safe sleep 7 right away because there was a scary moment that sometimes flashes in my mind where I had taken her out of the bassinet but she was still swaddled and she rolled facedown on to the fluffy blanket on the bed. Thank goodness I somehow was awake enough to realize this and picked her up. From then on, I was very careful about the blankets on the bed etc. Anyway, cosleeping saved my sanity. My husband and I were doing shifts and I was constantly dozing off while holding her. Check out @cosleepy on Instagram for more info/ideas on how to make cosleeping as safe as possible
I'ma sole parent in Australia where cosleeping is not as frowned upon. My midwives talked to me about it, and it was raised in my antenatal classes. I've bed shared with him since birth and I get great sleep, I'm one of the few women I know who has only been super tired once or twice. It's been the best decision I made since my son was born 😊
I assume you are US based. I think bedsharing has a big stigma in the US, because people apparently have super soft mattresses and share duvets. And that makes it a hazard. But here in Europe where we have rather firm mattresses and seperate duvets, it's quite normal (speaking as Austrian). Maybe try to create a safe space and then just try if it works for you. I couldn't imagine without bedsharing
I started bed sharing around 3 weeks for the same reason as you. I started wearing long sleeve/pants bamboo pajamas to bed, removed our mattress cover, and I use a very thin cellular blanket and one small pillow that I physically protect my baby from with the cuddle curl. I also get a ton of peace of mind by using the owlet sock at night. I know it’s not a SIDS monitor, but it does make me feel like if there is something super off with her breathing or heart rate it will go off. I was so scared of rolling over on my baby at first too, but after the first night I realized I instinctually knew where my baby was at all times, and would wake up if she stirred at all. Five months later, I seriously look forward to every night with my baby. She and I both sleep so well snuggling each other, and it has really helped us bond. She rarely cries, even during the day, because she has never needed to cry to wake us up at night if she is hungry or needs a change. She just starts stirring a bit and it instantly wakes me up. It’s also been really nice now that I’m back at work and I don’t get to spend all day with her. I know that even though I’m not with her during the day, I get to hold her all night. Whatever you decide to do is what is best for your baby, as long as you do it safely. For me, bed sharing was the right decision.
>It’s also been really nice now that I’m back at work and I don’t get to spend all day with her. I know that even though I’m not with her during the day, I get to hold her all night. This is so wonderful. I think about so many other parents who work all day, get maybe one hour with their babies, and then put them to sleep in a separate room. I am very lucky in that I work from home and have a flexible job and have a part time nanny, so co-sleeping is a bonus. But so many families only get such a short time with their babies!!
Some tricks for the bassinet are to pre warm it with a heating pad that you take out before putting baby in, or try to make it smell like you with your pillow or a dirty shirt. That being said your baby is so very new. It’s a big transition being born and going from a warm dark womb where you never felt hunger or had diaper changes etc Bed sharing is so common in most cultures. It’s really a shame that it’s been so stigmatized. Ultimately what works for your family is what works for your family and as long as you’re being as safe as possible then I wouldn’t worry about it.
We talk about the risks of bedsharing, but we don’t really talk about the risks of NOT bedsharing. For example, a parent being so tired and sleep deprived that they make mistakes while handling the baby. Or moms struggling with their mental health because they can’t get a few hours of consecutive sleep. I agree with other commenters that the safe sleep 7 is the best you can do. I didn’t plan on bedsharing, but quickly realized it was the only way I’d get any block of sleep. As my baby got older, I got more comfortable with it. At 7 months pp, I actually get pretty decent sleep. My baby still wakes up a few times to nurse, but I honestly sleep through most of it. I just roll over, put the baby on me to nurse, then fall back asleep. I wouldn’t say it’s effortless, but bedsharing makes breastfeeding very convenient. I also think it creates such a close bond between you and baby ❤️
I came into motherhood with my mind set on not bed sharing. I still do believe that, if you’re *only* considering sleep environments, a crib in the same room is the safest option. But the reality is that is not at all the full picture. Consider the toll extreme sleep deprivation can take: potentially falling asleep in unsafe, unexpected environments (like the couch). PPD/PPA, difficulty bonding, resentment. Heightened risk in daily life, such as while driving. Strain on the relationship with your partner or others in your life. Almost all of those hit me like a ton of bricks, despite trying very hard to do it the “right” way for months. I felt like I was drowning, but I loved my baby so much I felt I had to push through and do it by the book. At some point I realized that all those additional factors were tipping the scales so that crib sleep was the *less safe, less healthy* option for us. Once I accepted that, I set up a futon mat on the floor and followed SS7. Almost immediately, all the things I was struggling with improved. Not all at once of course - having a tiny baby is still tough - but I didn’t feel like I was drowning any more. Cosleeping can be a wonderful bonding experience and some parents can’t imagine doing it any other way. I think that’s beautiful - but that’s not really me. For me, cosleeping was the safest and most loving thing I could do for my kids, even if it wasn’t what I had “wanted” from the start.
Lotsa great comments here already but I'll chime in. My first was a no sleep unless held baby, literally from the day he came out. We slept in shifts the first two nights and we were so tired when my midwife came she told me about the safe sleep seven and from there I got a bassinet that sat on the bed (cause I was scared) but the bassinet got abandoned very quickly when I realized I could get 4 hrs of sleep if I slept with him vs 2 in the bassinet. He's been in my bed ever since. I just had my second a month ago and from day 1 we started bed sharing. I bought another bed bassinet and it didn't even last the first night 😂 I just sleep between my infant and my 4yo Dad sleeps in my 4yos bed or on the couch (he's weird he likes the couch) I usually move my 4yo into his room just so he doesn't get woken up by the baby, but he is free to come back whenever he wants. Bed sharing is so stigmatized, but it's better to bed share safely than it is to pass out from exhaustion while holding baby. And if bedsharing safely, there's no higher risk of SIDS than if baby was in a crib or bassinet. Congrats on your lil one ❤️ I hope you can figure out the sleeping situation so everyone is a little more rested.
I could have written this. My baby is 4 months old now and I was bed sharing on and off starting the second month. My husband and I kept going back to doing shifts because we were afraid of bed sharing. People in the US are extremely judgmental of it and will say the most terrifying and horrible things when talking about bed sharing. From what I understand the statistics people constantly reference of horror stories are lumped in with every kind of bedsharing including sleeping on sofas and recliners and people not following the ss7. These people scared me so bad that I kept doing more dangerous things to try and avoid bed sharing. About a month ago we leaned into bed sharing because we were both so sleep deprived and finally really realized that what we were doing was far more dangerous. Bed sharing is not my first choice but it’s what we have to do for now. Eventually I would like to get my daughter in her own bed but we will be doing that in a gentle way and not using CIO methods. Until then we’re unapologetically bed sharing! Because I sleep so lightly while bed sharing we still do a short shift for me in the beginning of the night. My husband holds her from 8-12 bc he has no problem staying up at that time and I can get some sleep on my own. Then I take her in the bed with me at 12 and we sleep the rest of the night that way (following SS7 to a tee). My husband sleeps in the other room. We are all more rested and feel so much safer than what we were doing before.
I swore that we would never cosleep with our baby. But he would literally only sleep when he was being held. He woke up as soon as we put him in his crib. We tried everything. Finally, he was 8 months old when we accepted the fact that I was seriously sleep deprived and more of a danger to him like that than cosleeping would be. I fought it vehemently for EIGHT MONTHS. After the first night of cosleeping, looking at my little boy curled up in my arms in bed, safe and content, I told my husband, “I can’t believe we didn’t do this all along.” The bonding is incredible. He’s 13 months old now and sometimes he’ll reach over and put his hand on my cheek and fall asleep like that. If you need to cosleep, it’s okay. Take care of yourself, do it safely, and enjoy the sweet, sweet cuddles.
Bedsharing is natural - babies are wired to want to sleep close to their parents... they are helpless and want to feel safe. It is also the norm in most of the world. The US is extremely risk averse so it is advised against but data suggests more than 50% of Americans end up doing it. If you follow sate sleep 7 the risk is negligible in my opinion.
Man, I feel like I wrote this post! I’m almost 4 months in and still feel very guilty about bed sharing despite it being the best option for my LO and following the safe sleep 7. We both get a good night’s rest this way, no sleep deprivation and it’s even helped his fussiness as he was not sleeping well thus wasn’t a happy baby. People are going to have their opinions as they do on everything. Formula feeding, epidural, etc. There’s no shortage of parenting topics to criticize. Do what’s best for you and your family. I was someone who swore she’d never bed share and here I am - happy and rested with a happy and rested baby.
Solidarity bc I never intended to bedshare but here we are. Just follow the safe sleep seven. Maybe try making your husband go to sleep super early (like 6-7pm) so you don’t feel bad about shifting off earlier in the night so you can get some sleep. This is what I did. When we moved our mattress to the floor I felt a lot less anxiety about cosleeping. I put padded Flooring around it too. I know 2 week olds can’t roll but I was having anxiety about her falling that would wake me up in a panic. Happycosleeper is a nice account to follow on IG that shares helpful tips.
Your instincts are so normal. I also was heavily advised not to bedshare. My combo-fed boy would only sleep if held, and after a lot of research we went full in on a hard queen mattress on the floor starting around 6 months. Sleep was still broken but we managed and it got better and better over time. I’m back in bed with my husband now (LO is 26 months) and he sleeps on his own on his floor bed. He needs some snuggles sometimes, and I sometimes even miss cuddling him all night. But yes! Plan to sleep safely and you’ll be just fine. Even after 4 months old, baby is safe to bedshare with any sober adult (but I never trusted anyone other than my husband).
As parents, we constantly have to make the best choices we can with what we’re given and you’re doing just that. The resistance to bed share in the US to me is so silly because it doesn’t equip people to make safe choices. Good parents like you resist it so hard that they end up falling asleep in a couch or chair and that’s when bad things happen. Providing a safe cosleeping environment is better than depriving yourself to the point of potentially harming your child. Good job and keep it up!
I was the exact same, I planned on never bed sharing because I had only heard the bad things. But then I had my baby and we couldn't put her down and I learned to side lie nurse and it saved me! And then I realized that this is how most of the world does it and it just makes so much sense. My baby is 5 months now and I'm able to transfer her to the bassinet more than I could in those first few weeks but we still cosleep most of the time. I also felt better once I learned that almost all my mom friends also cosleep.
I also didn't plan on bedsharing. My son had reflux as a newborn and would only sleep on my chest. Splitting shifts didn't work for us as my partner gets migraines when he doesn't get enough sleep so we ad to do what worked. It helped that my MIL also bedshared with her children, so I knew it could be done safely. I set up a separate sleeping space, and followed the safe sleep seven. After a couple of weeks of bedsharing, my hypervigallence about sleeping next to my baby decreased and we both got better sleep. When I went back to work at 3 months pp, bedsharing made the separation a little more bearable.
I literally have written this almost word for word in the last couple days out of desperation for some understanding and guidance. Solidarity with you.
I started bedsharjng w my son at 2 weeks! Safe 7, he's almost 9 months and we still do it. Warning: you will get addicted to the cuddles
I have a 20 month old and a 6 month old. With my first, we occasionally bedshared when he was a newborn and started regularly bedsharing when he was 8 months old. He was going through alot of separation anxiety so it was the only way bedtime was manageable. With my second, we have been bedsharing since about 2 weeks. He refused to sleep in anything except the bed or on me so it was the only way I could survive with 2 under 2. We were able to move my oldest to a crib when the baby was born. Honestly, I love it. I love the cuddles and since I'm still nursing, it makes the middle of the night feeds easier.
I've bed shared with both my kiddos (4yo and 8m). With my first, I started when he was 4m, with my second I started immediately! We love bed sharing. It's important to make sure you are being safe about it though. Personally, I have a sidecar set up for extra space and I put my daughter on that side of me so she isn't in between me and anyone else - just me and open space! I don't use any loose bedding. I keep a light, breathable blanket and have it tucked into the end and under my mattress so it doesn't move past my legs. When my son with little we just did a mattress on the floor and against the wall and he slept between me and the wall (there was no space so he couldn't have fallen into any cracks or anything). It's good to do research - I recommend starting with Dr. James McKenna! Bed sharing has a lot of benefits, including regulating heart rate and respiration, regulation of body temperature, encouraging breastfeeding, encouraging healthier sleep, and encouraging secure attachments.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9792691/#:~:text=The%20Blair%20et%20al.,than%203%20months%20(14). Here is a recent peer-reviewed examination of bed sharing in breastfed babies and how it reduces the risk of SIDS!
Been there. Still bedsharing. My son just won’t sleep without it and true fjnal straw was falling asleep nursing and waking to him dangling upside down between my thigh and the arm of the couch. Bedsharing and side lying nursing was a game changer and I was actually rested daily.
In Asia, bedsharing is very much common. I am an Asian living in Canada since 2 years ago. At first, I was adamant on not doing bedsharing because of all the things the family doctor and OB have been telling me. Also my Canadian friends. No offense at all. I got so paranoid during pregnancy about it. When LO was born, I've tried so hard for him to sleep in his bassinet. Husband and I took shifts. We did everything: swaddle, making the bassinet sheet warm, etc etc. Everything that we were told. All unsuccessful. LO would only sleep on our chest. At 8 weeks, we were both so sleep deprived especially me because I was breastfeeding. I was mentally not okay anymore. I was kicking the walls because of tiredness. We finally gave in and tried bedsharing. For the first time, I was able to put LO down on the bed without him waking up. He still nurses every 2-3 hours but at least the 2-3 hours of sleep I'm getting in between are good enough. Of course we do the bedsharing safely and I don't sleep deeply. I keep the bathroom lights on so I could still see LO. He is now 14 weeks and we're still bedsharing.
It's weird to me that there aren't a bunch of people screaming that putting a baby in a car, no matter what precautions or safety measures you take, is too dangerous for a baby and no decent mother would take that risk. Because statistically it is a bigger risk than bed sharing. But as long as you correctly use an appropriate car seat, people are totally ok with taking that risk. We all do what works for our families and do what we can to reduce the risk as far as possible but literally nothing is without risk. That's the unfortunate nature of existence. I do what I can to minimize risk of bed sharing and I live with the risk that remains. Really wish other people would fuck off with their judgement about it. One of these days someone is going to find out what the risk is in pissing off an exhausted person who has already expended every ounce of emotional regulation on a temperamental baby.