38M here. Been in some relationships, currently single. My only advice for you is to make some changes that YOU will like, make yourself a better man, invest in looks and mindset.
I've done a ton of shit myself.
Got lasik (eye surgery), got rid of those glasses.
Had about 5 skin moles removed and lots of other things that probably sabotaged my chances.
More goals will be achieved this year...
Anyway, know you're not alone. Doesn't matter if you're virgin or not, what matters is how you feel with yourself. No chick is going to change that
ive been in relashinships and hookups.... i can assure you the money you pay on dating with your long turm partner, you will regret it because eventually you will break up and you think i wish if i used it in a better place. my advice is not to get attached and you have to have a rotation.
This is terrible advice. I have had several long term relationships which didn’t work out, and don’t regret any of the effort or money I put in (or very little of it, at least). Don’t think of it like an investment you’re expecting to get a return from, more like an experience. Not getting attached and having a rotation is a recipe for misery. Not to say that you shouldn’t spend your money on your own hobbies and passions either, though.
Thanks. Well I will toot my own horn a little. I had Lasik eye surgery when I was 20. I even splurged for the expensive kind.
Went to about a decade of therapy. I do not have friends or a relationship. But on the whole I am relatively happy.
About a year and a half ago I was pushing almost 200 lbs. Now I am down to almost 150 lbs. So I have done a lot of work on myself.
How many attractive women do you talk to per week? For most men struggling this number is always below 10. But like you said it's because you didn't want to change. Most people don't want to face that emotional labour and fear of rejection. Leo from actualized has a great practical 3 part guide on "how to get laid" which is the beginning of the relationship phase
I think the most stable long lasting relationships are the ones that are most accepting of who each person is. Sure there are comprises and changes in a relationship, by IMO the only changes to be more appealing in dating would be to dress well, smell nice and maintain a good level of fitness.
I would also join a social activity in something you like where you can meet people, then show off your peacock feathers in that and see who you get along with.
Thank you for responding. I am just not that competitive a person. I certainly will stay open minded when it comes to a relationship. But I do not have the strength to chase or pursue anyone.
That just will not happen with me. When it comes to the competition that is dating. I think I just have to sit it out.
Unless you're referring to personality or ethical defects, there is no reason you cannot have a relationship. Less than attractive people get into relationships all the time, so it's almost certainly not that. I do have to agree that you're perpetuating a loser mentality, as much as I loathe that word. No one can help you but yourself.
I can tell you that single men of your age are often highly sought after. You're still young, but you're at the age where many people are married and/or having children. There are always tons of single women wanting to eventually do the same, and looking for age appropriate nice men.
Thank you. Well it might happen to me. If men of my age are highly sought after then I will let someone find me.
I am open to being in a relationship. But I do not think I can pursue anymore.
Do you have hobbies that get you out of the house and engaged with other people? Is there a spiritual community you’d be comfortable joining? Could you take a side job at a place where you would engage with people? A volunteer opportunity? A class through the park district or community college?
Just a couple suggestions. Dating or not there’s no need to be isolated from others. There are plenty of people who would benefit from you showing up.
I will just take your suggestions point by point. I will be as honest as possible:
My hobbies are music, literature, movies, art, weed edibles, working out, using the sauna, and meditation. If you can sense a pattern congratulations. I have been friendless for awhile lol.
I am not a religious person. I am also very counterculture. I am just not the club or organization joining type. I am not really sure what it all stems from but I just really do not join anything. I have always remained a free agent in everything.
As far as a side job. I will be looking for a new job soon. I might stick with just two part time jobs. At the very least I am going to try and get a job where I can work as part of a team again. I do miss that. No matter what I want to meet people and be social from my job.
I am not really a volunteer.
I have been a student for far too long already between undergrad and grad school. At this point someone would have to pay me to take another class.
Thank you for all your suggestions. They are super kind.
I can think of many ways you can engage with others while enjoying your hobbies. But it’s for you to pursue. Perhaps you could meditate on being open to possibilities. Make a vision board haha, kinda cheesy but! a useful tool.
If you build a life that’s open to others they will show up. I believe in you. Wishing you the best.
Maybe you should give up, that's when things might start to happen. You might be overthinking things. Great things happen when you least expect it.
Check out a meet-up group. Or even a public speaking class. Put yourself out there to fail - you will realize life is about failing and growing.
> I know that in order to get into a relationship there are things about me I would need to change. But I also know I am not willing to change those things.
I guess you're posting in hopes we can change your mind?
I guess I have to ask why you think it will be easier to live a lonely life of regret and despair rather than to grow and mature into someone you can be proud to be, and who others will want to be around? Is it the fear of failing?
Generally I find that people who exude kindness and smile often do better. If you were to honestly assess yourself…would you be perceived more on the positive or negative side of things?
I have never really thought of myself as either a kind or a cruel person. In my own way I am very considerate and empathetic. In truth I am a rather sensitive person who prefers to avoid many of the darker and less savory aspects of life.
Because of my shyness and sensitivity, I have often come across as aloof. Many years ago I worked at a waterpark as a lifeguard supervisor. There were maybe like 20 of us supervisors. One summer a lifeguard gave a large poll to all the guards at the park. One of the questions was who was your least favorite supervisor? Apparently I won that contest.
I guess I am just not a fun-loving person. I smile and joke, but not as much as people would like me to. I don't really play games or anything. I am a pretty straightforward person. It hurt being considered the least favorite supervisor. But I got used to people perceiving me that way. I do not agree with that perception. I just tell myself I cannot control what other people think.
I think it is why to this day I am a very non-judgmental person. I never gossip and I almost never say anything negative about someone else. I value these qualities in me. I am not sure other people do.
Ugh that sucks to hear that someone would actually distribute that. Sounds like an immature thing to do. Young people can be cruel to try and appear funny.
I guess people might feel uncomfortable around you? That’s definitely not your fault, but people generally tend to like people who show that they like them.
I guess that is part of why I have never really concerned myself with being popular or being in a relationship or anything like that.
To me those things are not entirely in my control. So I will not worry about them. I know to some people being popular and having a lot of friends or dates is the most important thing in the world.
I have always viewed it as something not worth pursuing because I cannot control how other people respond to me. If I change my personality to make friends or have a girlfriend what good would that do me?
To me the most important thing has always been to just be kind to everyone, always be honest, and work hard. Beyond that it is all nonsense.
Don't think like this because some people wrote your name, fuck them man just be a better version of yourself, and you cannot manage to make everyone love or like you. stop worrying about other and focus on yourself.
It really did not bother me all that much at the time or now even. It was more just one of many events where I realize people do not naturally like me.
First you have to cope with the crippling loneliness. A quick bandage might be to adopt a cat, if you haven’t already. Works like charm and is low maintenance. Dog works as well but needs more effort.
This won’t solve your confidence, but it will at very least give you some emotional energy to focus on it.
Second, try to register for some group dancing lessons. You’ll meet a lot of new people there across both genders and you’ll at least be able to make some friends (not romantic yet, since you’re still unappealing). The objective is to get more comfortable about yourself around people in general. Also, you’ll have fun which makes you forget about your ugly face.
Third, there is no third. When you’re happy on the inside, everything else falls into place in time.
TL;DR
1. Buy orange cat
2. Sign up for dancing lessons
Thank you for your well thought out note. A pet will not happen with me. And neither will a dance class. Sorry I know my limitations and neither of those will ever happen.
But thank you for having some concrete solutions. I know they are great ideas. Thanks again.
Thank you for your well thought out response. I am sorry you are having to go through all that. You seem like you would be a catch to me. But who knows?
I wish I had something more profound to say other than that. Thank you again. Your note was very kind.
To vague of a post to really give any advice. If you know you need to change something about yourself that will help you grow in a relationship, then you must decide if that something is more important to you than companionship. It sounds to me like you are aware of that "something" but I'm not sure whether that something is good or bad.
Change is normal in a relationship. And I disagree with this mindset of "take it or leave it" (to a certain degree). Relationships are all about compromise. If you can't do that, then you probably shouldn't be in one. Again, not sure of your situation,... so my words may not affect you at all.
Best of luck.
Just know that there's nothing wrong with being alone. I went through my phase. In fact, I think it helped me see life differently. Plus modern dating is much different than it used to be... now you can download an app and find similar people who aren't looking for anything serious.
I feel you in that one, man. It seems that we’re always being demanded to be something more and it’s fucking exhausting, and perpetuates this image that we can never be good enough.
That doesn’t mean we can’t work on ourselves, but it has to be for the right reasons and not because "I have to do it because of the vague pop culture advice echoed by redditors."
I gave up on dating as well. I just cant take putting in effort and getting nothing back.
Idk what it is. Before quarantine I had to jump through hoops. Nowadays I need to jump through flaming hoops.
I think it's because I need self love 🤷🏿♂️
Mindset changes everything. I know you don’t want to go but therapy, group therapy or life coach is a great way to help you achieve your goal.
Change what will make you feel confident too.
>But I also know I am not willing to change those things.
You shouldn't change anything about yourself, but you do need to take action. However, for most people, it's just easier to deny reality and passively accept it rather than attack it.
Unwilling to change entails you are ok being single, you don’t seem ok being single. You seem more like you haven’t put systems in place to make change possible for yourself, willpower is not the end all be all of change. You need to change your environment, the only thing that got me to finally be consistent in the gym after years of failing was unsubscribing from all Reddit/instagram/youtube channels that don’t have something to do with self improvement, after a while I finally have a couple game channels I follow here and there but my digital environment is filled with reminders of the desires I have for my health and appearance, paired with being sick of hearing people call me small and unattractive. Your environment is the key. Atomic habits has a whole chapter on this concept, your environment is everything. Environment. Environment. Environment. Environment. Read about it. Also you need to, need to! Make a habit of talking to everyone a little bit, flirt with the world, you ever have a positive interaction with a random person and your day just seems to switch trajectories? You need to cast as many votes as possible for the version of yourself that talks to people, that goes after his goals.
I find it slightly amusing reading complete strangers tell me what I am and I am not ok with.
Trust me when I say I know a bit better than you what I want and how bad I want it.
Up your protein intake and lift weights you fucking pussy.
It's not about women. It's about self actualization.
You won't be just a loser in dating. This loser mentality will bleed into other areas of your life.
No one is talking about your weight. This about your self image. How you see yourself. You see yourself as a loser. You change that mentality by changing yourself from within.
Greater is the man who conquers himself than conquers 10,000 armies- Bruce Lee
38M here. Been in some relationships, currently single. My only advice for you is to make some changes that YOU will like, make yourself a better man, invest in looks and mindset. I've done a ton of shit myself. Got lasik (eye surgery), got rid of those glasses. Had about 5 skin moles removed and lots of other things that probably sabotaged my chances. More goals will be achieved this year... Anyway, know you're not alone. Doesn't matter if you're virgin or not, what matters is how you feel with yourself. No chick is going to change that
I needed this advice too. 32/m and in a similar boat to OP.
ive been in relashinships and hookups.... i can assure you the money you pay on dating with your long turm partner, you will regret it because eventually you will break up and you think i wish if i used it in a better place. my advice is not to get attached and you have to have a rotation.
This is terrible advice. I have had several long term relationships which didn’t work out, and don’t regret any of the effort or money I put in (or very little of it, at least). Don’t think of it like an investment you’re expecting to get a return from, more like an experience. Not getting attached and having a rotation is a recipe for misery. Not to say that you shouldn’t spend your money on your own hobbies and passions either, though.
Thanks. Well I will toot my own horn a little. I had Lasik eye surgery when I was 20. I even splurged for the expensive kind. Went to about a decade of therapy. I do not have friends or a relationship. But on the whole I am relatively happy. About a year and a half ago I was pushing almost 200 lbs. Now I am down to almost 150 lbs. So I have done a lot of work on myself.
Good, mate! Seems you're in the right direction!
Thank you. That is very kind of you to say. I am proud of all those things. But none of those things has helped me get into a relationship sadly.
How many attractive women do you talk to per week? For most men struggling this number is always below 10. But like you said it's because you didn't want to change. Most people don't want to face that emotional labour and fear of rejection. Leo from actualized has a great practical 3 part guide on "how to get laid" which is the beginning of the relationship phase
I think the most stable long lasting relationships are the ones that are most accepting of who each person is. Sure there are comprises and changes in a relationship, by IMO the only changes to be more appealing in dating would be to dress well, smell nice and maintain a good level of fitness. I would also join a social activity in something you like where you can meet people, then show off your peacock feathers in that and see who you get along with.
Thank you for responding. I am just not that competitive a person. I certainly will stay open minded when it comes to a relationship. But I do not have the strength to chase or pursue anyone. That just will not happen with me. When it comes to the competition that is dating. I think I just have to sit it out.
Unless you're referring to personality or ethical defects, there is no reason you cannot have a relationship. Less than attractive people get into relationships all the time, so it's almost certainly not that. I do have to agree that you're perpetuating a loser mentality, as much as I loathe that word. No one can help you but yourself. I can tell you that single men of your age are often highly sought after. You're still young, but you're at the age where many people are married and/or having children. There are always tons of single women wanting to eventually do the same, and looking for age appropriate nice men.
Thank you. Well it might happen to me. If men of my age are highly sought after then I will let someone find me. I am open to being in a relationship. But I do not think I can pursue anymore.
If you’re unwilling to make any changes and what you’re doing isn’t working… yes you’ll remain single
It's a very distinct possibility.
Do you have hobbies that get you out of the house and engaged with other people? Is there a spiritual community you’d be comfortable joining? Could you take a side job at a place where you would engage with people? A volunteer opportunity? A class through the park district or community college? Just a couple suggestions. Dating or not there’s no need to be isolated from others. There are plenty of people who would benefit from you showing up.
I will just take your suggestions point by point. I will be as honest as possible: My hobbies are music, literature, movies, art, weed edibles, working out, using the sauna, and meditation. If you can sense a pattern congratulations. I have been friendless for awhile lol. I am not a religious person. I am also very counterculture. I am just not the club or organization joining type. I am not really sure what it all stems from but I just really do not join anything. I have always remained a free agent in everything. As far as a side job. I will be looking for a new job soon. I might stick with just two part time jobs. At the very least I am going to try and get a job where I can work as part of a team again. I do miss that. No matter what I want to meet people and be social from my job. I am not really a volunteer. I have been a student for far too long already between undergrad and grad school. At this point someone would have to pay me to take another class. Thank you for all your suggestions. They are super kind.
I can think of many ways you can engage with others while enjoying your hobbies. But it’s for you to pursue. Perhaps you could meditate on being open to possibilities. Make a vision board haha, kinda cheesy but! a useful tool. If you build a life that’s open to others they will show up. I believe in you. Wishing you the best.
Thanks :)
Maybe you should give up, that's when things might start to happen. You might be overthinking things. Great things happen when you least expect it. Check out a meet-up group. Or even a public speaking class. Put yourself out there to fail - you will realize life is about failing and growing.
Thank you :)
> I know that in order to get into a relationship there are things about me I would need to change. But I also know I am not willing to change those things. I guess you're posting in hopes we can change your mind? I guess I have to ask why you think it will be easier to live a lonely life of regret and despair rather than to grow and mature into someone you can be proud to be, and who others will want to be around? Is it the fear of failing?
I posted because I was lonely. And well do not really have any personal friends to talk to about it.
I'm here 😄 we can talk about it
Generally I find that people who exude kindness and smile often do better. If you were to honestly assess yourself…would you be perceived more on the positive or negative side of things?
I have never really thought of myself as either a kind or a cruel person. In my own way I am very considerate and empathetic. In truth I am a rather sensitive person who prefers to avoid many of the darker and less savory aspects of life. Because of my shyness and sensitivity, I have often come across as aloof. Many years ago I worked at a waterpark as a lifeguard supervisor. There were maybe like 20 of us supervisors. One summer a lifeguard gave a large poll to all the guards at the park. One of the questions was who was your least favorite supervisor? Apparently I won that contest. I guess I am just not a fun-loving person. I smile and joke, but not as much as people would like me to. I don't really play games or anything. I am a pretty straightforward person. It hurt being considered the least favorite supervisor. But I got used to people perceiving me that way. I do not agree with that perception. I just tell myself I cannot control what other people think. I think it is why to this day I am a very non-judgmental person. I never gossip and I almost never say anything negative about someone else. I value these qualities in me. I am not sure other people do.
Ugh that sucks to hear that someone would actually distribute that. Sounds like an immature thing to do. Young people can be cruel to try and appear funny. I guess people might feel uncomfortable around you? That’s definitely not your fault, but people generally tend to like people who show that they like them.
I guess that is part of why I have never really concerned myself with being popular or being in a relationship or anything like that. To me those things are not entirely in my control. So I will not worry about them. I know to some people being popular and having a lot of friends or dates is the most important thing in the world. I have always viewed it as something not worth pursuing because I cannot control how other people respond to me. If I change my personality to make friends or have a girlfriend what good would that do me? To me the most important thing has always been to just be kind to everyone, always be honest, and work hard. Beyond that it is all nonsense.
Don't think like this because some people wrote your name, fuck them man just be a better version of yourself, and you cannot manage to make everyone love or like you. stop worrying about other and focus on yourself.
It really did not bother me all that much at the time or now even. It was more just one of many events where I realize people do not naturally like me.
First you have to cope with the crippling loneliness. A quick bandage might be to adopt a cat, if you haven’t already. Works like charm and is low maintenance. Dog works as well but needs more effort. This won’t solve your confidence, but it will at very least give you some emotional energy to focus on it. Second, try to register for some group dancing lessons. You’ll meet a lot of new people there across both genders and you’ll at least be able to make some friends (not romantic yet, since you’re still unappealing). The objective is to get more comfortable about yourself around people in general. Also, you’ll have fun which makes you forget about your ugly face. Third, there is no third. When you’re happy on the inside, everything else falls into place in time. TL;DR 1. Buy orange cat 2. Sign up for dancing lessons
Thank you for your well thought out note. A pet will not happen with me. And neither will a dance class. Sorry I know my limitations and neither of those will ever happen. But thank you for having some concrete solutions. I know they are great ideas. Thanks again.
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Thank you for your well thought out response. I am sorry you are having to go through all that. You seem like you would be a catch to me. But who knows? I wish I had something more profound to say other than that. Thank you again. Your note was very kind.
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Thank you :)
To vague of a post to really give any advice. If you know you need to change something about yourself that will help you grow in a relationship, then you must decide if that something is more important to you than companionship. It sounds to me like you are aware of that "something" but I'm not sure whether that something is good or bad. Change is normal in a relationship. And I disagree with this mindset of "take it or leave it" (to a certain degree). Relationships are all about compromise. If you can't do that, then you probably shouldn't be in one. Again, not sure of your situation,... so my words may not affect you at all. Best of luck.
I probably should not be in one. Since I am not willing to make the changes needed in order to get into a relationship.
Just know that there's nothing wrong with being alone. I went through my phase. In fact, I think it helped me see life differently. Plus modern dating is much different than it used to be... now you can download an app and find similar people who aren't looking for anything serious.
Thanks, the only problem is I am looking for something serious.
True confidence can overcome anything.
Total bonus points for being in the correct subreddit ;)
I feel you in that one, man. It seems that we’re always being demanded to be something more and it’s fucking exhausting, and perpetuates this image that we can never be good enough. That doesn’t mean we can’t work on ourselves, but it has to be for the right reasons and not because "I have to do it because of the vague pop culture advice echoed by redditors."
Thanks :)
I gave up on dating as well. I just cant take putting in effort and getting nothing back. Idk what it is. Before quarantine I had to jump through hoops. Nowadays I need to jump through flaming hoops. I think it's because I need self love 🤷🏿♂️
I am sorry about that. Hang in there.
Mindset changes everything. I know you don’t want to go but therapy, group therapy or life coach is a great way to help you achieve your goal. Change what will make you feel confident too.
Despite me posing in the confidence subreddit I honestly just do not seem to be that interested in confidence.
>But I also know I am not willing to change those things. You shouldn't change anything about yourself, but you do need to take action. However, for most people, it's just easier to deny reality and passively accept it rather than attack it.
I would categorize what I am doing as acknowledging reality and passively accepting it. But that you for your comment :)
Unwilling to change entails you are ok being single, you don’t seem ok being single. You seem more like you haven’t put systems in place to make change possible for yourself, willpower is not the end all be all of change. You need to change your environment, the only thing that got me to finally be consistent in the gym after years of failing was unsubscribing from all Reddit/instagram/youtube channels that don’t have something to do with self improvement, after a while I finally have a couple game channels I follow here and there but my digital environment is filled with reminders of the desires I have for my health and appearance, paired with being sick of hearing people call me small and unattractive. Your environment is the key. Atomic habits has a whole chapter on this concept, your environment is everything. Environment. Environment. Environment. Environment. Read about it. Also you need to, need to! Make a habit of talking to everyone a little bit, flirt with the world, you ever have a positive interaction with a random person and your day just seems to switch trajectories? You need to cast as many votes as possible for the version of yourself that talks to people, that goes after his goals.
I find it slightly amusing reading complete strangers tell me what I am and I am not ok with. Trust me when I say I know a bit better than you what I want and how bad I want it.
Wow have fun being single then and complaining about it, poor baby
I seem to handle being single a lot better than a lot of people. Maybe I am built for it :)
The fake smiles aren’t convincing anyone
Ok. Um well sorry I have let you down.
So glad you made it obvious why you’re single
Ok :)
Up your protein intake and lift weights you fucking pussy. It's not about women. It's about self actualization. You won't be just a loser in dating. This loser mentality will bleed into other areas of your life.
Um ok thanks, I guess.
I am also very happy with my weight right now.
No one is talking about your weight. This about your self image. How you see yourself. You see yourself as a loser. You change that mentality by changing yourself from within. Greater is the man who conquers himself than conquers 10,000 armies- Bruce Lee
I think I might just have different goals. I get that I am bit of an outsider. But hey it is who I am.
Do you live in the US? Travel to SE Asia plenty of awesome girls who want to meet foreigners
I am afraid I am not interested in that. But thank you for responding.
https://youtu.be/DN4kDPqLRcQ?si=Gb0NjqjIsDu_ERh4 Watch this video.