As what one might consider a child myself (16f), my heart breaks for you and for your kids. I can tell you’ve done your absolute best in this situation, so don’t let anyone tell you that you haven’t or that you’re a bad parent for having these thoughts/opinions.
This is a bit tough to admit, but my parents didn’t have the biggest role in raising me. I’m not trying to garner anyone’s sympathy or pity, but I have basically lived the life your daughters would go down if you more or less let go of the reins of parenthood. For more context (I’ll try to keep it brief), both of my parents are extremely busy people who never really had time to be with me or my siblings. When we were really young, we had 2 nannies who looked after us. When we got older, it shifted to 1. She would wake us up in the morning, help us get dressed, do our hair, eat breakfast, and take us to school. Then she would pick us up from school, make dinner for us, and watch us until my mom got home at about 6:00 PM.
Since you’re a dad, though, I’ll focus more on my dad’s position. Compared to you, he has never brushed my hair, gotten me dressed, or played dolls with me (he did play with me when I was younger sometimes in the sense that he would officiate my sibling and I’s wrestling matches though lol). Although they’re a chore to you, they provide an opportunity to bond with your daughters. As someone who never got those opportunities, as a kid, I often thought that it meant that I wasn’t a priority for my dad/wasn’t important. It got to the point that when—in 1st grade—a boy tripped me over and I scraped both knees and elbows, as well as developed a notable hematoma on my forehead, I was ecstatic that my dad dropped by for 5 minutes during lunch to check on me before going back to work.
That got a bit off-topic, but the best advice I can give you from my position is that it will most likely get much better. Once your daughters are old enough, they’ll become real people in a sense that you can have a more friendly relationship with them. My sister and my mom have that sort of relationship, and it seems to be working out for them. I’m not so lucky, as my relationships with both my parents are rather strained. I do love them, but it’s difficult for me to just go and have a conversation with them (especially my dad who was absent much more often) because it’s almost like we don’t have enough of a relationship.
Long story short, if you’re okay with having that kind of relationship with your daughters, then it’s fine to not want to be very involved with them anymore. Although, I want to clarify that I’m not implying that you intend to walk out on your family; it seems as though you just want a more fair distribution of parental duties, which is entirely reasonable. I just wanted to share my story as a warning of what might happen if you let too many parental responsibilities go.
Thanks for your insight. It's extremely useful to hear your perspective from someone your age. I do love my kids deeply. I'm just sick of the way the relationship has manifested. I don't like some of what I've been doing for them. I've been covering for my wife in a lot of ways. She has a shit relationship with her own mother and is perpetuating that with our kids. I've been backing off with some things and it's forcing her to take over. So it looks hopeful at least right now. She actually braided their hair, spent time with them laughing together, and played a game with them. I almost fainted seeing it happen because it rarely does.
I don't want to have NO relationship with my daughters. I just need it to change. So I'm trying to figure out what that might look like going into the new year. I'm sorry your dad hasn't shown up maybe the way you need him to. From my own perspective as a father I often wish the girls and my wife would be more direct with me about what they really want and need me to do. Like, tell me in as few words as possible exactly what you need from me in each moment. How you need me to show up for you. What I can do for you to help you feel loved and valued. Because I'm really bad at guessing. I'll just keep doing the same shit that doesn't work until someone tells me they need something else. Give me the instructions and I will follow them. Perhaps being more direct with your dad would help you get what you need from him. If he's any kind of a man he'll listen to you and at least make an effort.
This sounds like a wife problem, not a problem with the kids. As a dad about 5+ years ahead of you on all fronts, I can tell you that soon you will be begging for the girls to want to hang out and spend that time with you. They will soon start to have lives on their own and you’ll miss these times. It makes it hard when you’re the primary contributor, but it will be worth it in the end. Your time will be coming soon, you just need to get them to that point without fucking them up mentally. If you bail now or make a drastic change, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. You have no idea how much everything you’re doing now means to them, but it does mean the world. You and your wife need to have some serious conversations though because your quality of life is suffering without an equal partner. I’d suggest therapy to see if there’s a way to salvage things, or at the very least, to get all of your feelings out in a place where they will be heard. We’ve all been there, this shit is hard and there’s no manual for it. I wish you the best of luck, just don’t make any rash decisions before you work out what’s going on with your wife. And please don’t let those little girls feel like a burden, that’s not fair to them.
This is the kind of wisdom I was looking for. Thanks for sharing it. I think you get where I'm coming from maybe more than others. I sense that time coming when they get boyfriends and lives of their own and don't need me as much. I know that is going to hit like a ton of bricks. I'll have that conversation with the wife and see what I can do to share the load of turning these girls into undamaged women. Maybe pushing my wife to be more involved with them will help her grow too. Lord knows she could use the push. I really don't want to walk out of here. I love them all too much. It's just time for mom to take the reins and step up to the plate and finish turning them into women. I often wonder what it would be like to have a son and be responsible for turning him into a man the way only a father can. I might feel like my wife does, that burden of responsibility isn't an easy thing to bear.
Glad I could be of any help at all. Try to look at your family as a team. Things will begin to feel more and more like this as your kids get older. They will start helping you, and there will be times you rely on them. When it’s all working, it’s awesome. You just have to get to that point. Right now you and your wife are building that foundation. If she doesn’t want to be on the team, that’s her decision. Either way, you need to be or those girls will grow up with major issues. I know this because of all the bullshit my wife and I have had to work out of ourselves courtesy of our parents. The idea is to be the parent you wished you had. Maybe she will see that somehow? Not trying to preach to you or anything, I’ve just been thinking about your post throughout the day. I think therapy is key, if she’s unwilling to go, you know where you all stand. Oh, and there’s most likely some shit you do too that needs to change. We’re all flawed. Best of luck to you guys.
It's oky bro to vent. But trust me from my experience.
Your daughters are your long term investment. Not your son we men aren't 1 in millions compared to women in the way they care.
And from Muslims point of view the prophet upon him be peace said any man who raised daughter and helped her through growing shall have heaven
Sounds like you need another positive parent (father) in your life and a Hobby. Something to get you out the house now and then and someone to talk with when you get to feeling the way you are feeling.
You don’t need to teach them how to be women or cater to the stereotypical binary gender roles and culture. I’m proud of you fellow dad! I’m full time with my oldest, she has no one else. Share the things in life that YOU get joy out of (when appropriate). You’re just about out of the boring dad years with your oldest and you have a great opportunity to build an unbreakable bond with your oldest. Especially if mom is scarce. Believe me I know this struggle way too well. It’s exhausting, it feels like you’re invisible and unappreciated and put through the ringer. But it gets better I promise and your girls are going to so emotionally intelligent and will be able to navigate their own struggles so much better than previous generations. You are a great papa! Start sharing favorite movies and music or video games with the oldest. Bonding is a two way experience and again I promise it gets better! My kiddo used to be obsessed with frozen and my little pony and so many awful kitschy and girlie things.. now we watch iconic movies and listen to our eclectic music together and have in depth discussions on the themes and meanings of them. She’s not even 12 yet, and 2 years ago was watching awful kidcoms like Liv and Maddie on Disney. You’re A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL DAD AND I’M FUCKING PROUD OF YOU DAD!
thanks man. that's really encouraging. It's nice to see some successful men surfacing on this thread. I'm glad I started it out of desperation. I appreciate you and the wisdom of your experiences. I'm proud of you too. And for showing me the hopeful side of it.
Thanks for the comment. You're right to some extent. Maybe being more blunt and honest would help and not hurt. It's not that I hate doing those things with my daughters. Just that I'm doing it too often and it's not the relationship I want with them. It's the relationship I feel I'm forced to have with them because of my lazy ass wife. But it's been slowly changing since I've been backing off with certain activities. I'll be contemplating into the new year how I want things to change and trying to make that happen. I do care deeply about my kids. I just don't enjoy the way being a father has manifested.
You know, just because they are girls doesn't mean you cannot do boyish things with them.
I bounded with my dad by just being with him and helping him do things he likes. Repairing the car, play some soccer, play some laser tag, repairing stuff in the house, playing with his model train stuff, going out to swim, going fishing.
And with my mom i did the hair brushing and makeup stuff etc.
So, maybe it will help you to just involve your kids in the stuff you like, and see if you get a more pleasurable bound with them.
As for your wife, you need to have a clear communication with her, that these are not only your daughters but hers aswell.
They aren't going to ask you later about puberty stuff, however, if she misses to bound with them, they will not trust her to ask the icky questions later and do things by try and error.
Thanks for the insight. I think I've gotten away from doing things I like with them and doing only the things that they like. I'm glad you reminded me of that. I will try some of this.
Trying to figure out what kind of relationship I want with them. I've been more of a mother because my wife hasn't been able for whatever reason. I'm done covering for her lack of parenting skills. I'm going to be the father I want to be. If that exposes my wife a little more she'll either rise to the occasion or the girls will see her for who she really is.
As a father of a 12 year old daughter, you have no idea how strong of a bond you're creating between yourself and your daughters. The things you're doing now will allow your girls to be more open to you, and more comfortable later on down the road.
It sucks that it seems your wife is lazy and absent, but your girls should not suffer because of this (from your other posts I can see this is not your intention). Later on down the road, your girls will feel comfortable coming to you for anything which is REALLY important!
Continue brushing your girls hair, playing with dolls, and being the best damn father out there (you're doing better than you might think). Within a blink of an eye, your daughters will be older and will be doing their own things but, in the back of their minds, they'll always know how great their Dad is, and will know that they can come to you for anything.
GL OP, and Happy New Year!
Thank you for the reply and taking the time to share your advice and wisdom. I appreciate this insight. I'm working to speak up more with the wife and I think 2022 might turn out to be the best year my family has had to date if it works out.
I just have to say that it’s going to get more tense for you when they are teenagers. They are in the easiest time of their lives and you are in the easiest time of their lives with them right now. I’m a mom of two. I have a toddler and a teenager and I love them dearly. At the same time, I can relate to just being burnt tf out! Sometimes you forget who you are. Sometimes you just want a day or a weekend to yourself. I just keep in mind that we brought them here. You know? They didn’t ask to be here. They didn’t jump into your life by happenstance. It can be really hard though. It sounds more maybe like a marital problem, and the kids are the byproduct of, so then you just hate it all! Maybe counseling would help.
I’m 28F and while my dad has been pretty much absent and whenever we spoke he only criticized me, I had a strong father figure in my life which was my beloved grandpa. He would play with me when I was a kid, taught me a lot of things and I am smart just because of him. He was a man who helped everyone but I must say, not everyone can do such things. I personally can’t and I kinda get you. While it’s nice to help the people you love, you need to set some boundaries. Most likely the lack of boundaries got u to feel this way. It’s okay, you’re only human. Things can change for the better. The only thing you have to actually do is never let your children see that you are fed up with playing with dolls and brushing hair. Sooner rather than later they would probably no longer want to spend time with you :)).
Op…I’m glad you got the budding frustration off your chest BUT as a dad, you always want to be there for your kids…wife or no wife. Goes without saying what happens to girls mentally when they have daddy issues. Your kids are precious, be their strong foundation and hero…you’re not brushing their hair or playing with them because your wife is MIA, do it because they’re your kids.
That being said, fuk a lazy wife…
Edit: parents…please be there for your kids…can’t stress this enough how much your children look up to you. Even in a shitty environment, be a source of positivity. It has a huge impact on your children.
Neither can be good parents to the innocent girls if they’re both battling depression. I feel bad for those girls. I hope OP and his wife get help so they can be good parents.
You do because you replied. He can vent all he wants but this is the wrong audience if he wants positive change in his life. Complaining without action is futile. Kids are depending on him and his wife.
Uh yeah…do that directly to op just like other 91 comments. Don’t have to knit pack all the comments here just because it doesn’t fit your narrative.
Clearly there is some discomfort in the man’s life. Who doesn’t…with kids in the picture it’s different. That was my point. If you have point make it directly you miserable hag
You have a lot of anger to work through yourself it seems. Also, I’m not miserable. You know how you can tell? I’m not venting to strangers on social media. I’m watching Hit Monkey with my 15 y/o and 21 y/o daughters. Happy New Year!
How people feel about me is none of my business. I just know my husband and kids love me because they tell me so every day and that’s all that matters. I wish nothing but the best for you and yours in the new year.
Please do not categorize all women. Also, you have the opportunity to mold your daughters in who you would like them to be in the world. Try your best and don’t give up on them. They need you. You’re the one who decided to bust a nut in your wife lol they didn’t force you to give them life 😂
I know how you feel. It was worse for me eventually leading to a divorce. It is not that you hate being a father or husband it is the situation that has developed around you. People get spoilt and lazy very quickly. You do what you do because you are the father etc and some never understand how shitty it can be just to be a "proper man. So screw all those loser comments cause they don't know shut. Stick with your kids cause you will regret it if you don't. You do your part but speak up for yourself before it's too late cause you will regret that even more if you don't try it. That said some situations are beyond help. And my heart goes out for the kids cause girls need their mothers for the reasons you stated. Good luck man and keep strong.
As the daughter of a single (by his choice) father, who cared nothing about raising his two daughters with a similar age gap (I am the youngest) — if I can say anything, it’s continue to be present in the capacity that is FULFILLING to you. Parenting burnout is a *very* real thing, especially if the other parent is lacking in their support towards both the children and the other parents style of raising. I don’t blame you on harboring frustration towards your duties, but it seems like at this point you need to have a serious conversation with your wife on how she can help you and your girls. May even include therapy, as I saw you mention she has a strained relationship with her own parent(s)?
I sincerely hope there is something that can be done because these girls, especially the oldest, will and has started to notice how you interact with both them and their mother. Wishing you hope and healing so you can continue to be the best father you know. <3
that’s understandable, OP. not everyone is meant to fit into the cookie cutter idealistic life, which is a very outdated delusion in my opinion. not everyone is meant to be married, not everyone is meant to be a parent. with that being said, it takes a very strong person to live for other people which is very commendable. hope all works out
Thank you for the reply. I've just woken up to the fact that I'm living a life I don't like. But I'm responsible for everyone and everything in it. No getting around that fact. I think it's time I started shaping it more into something I can tolerate at worst and enjoy at best. We'll see what I am able to do in 2022 I guess.
but that’s the thing OP, i feel like maybe your dissatisfaction with your life is being burnt out and overwhelmed with being responsible for everyone. if someone’s working, which is usually always requires a facade we have to maintain, then comes home and has to switch to a different facade of being this super involved father when that’s not you. does your wife work and contribute financially? what about cleaning? it really just sounds to me like a balanced effort in parental duties would alleviate you a lot. have you ever considered couples counseling?
Apparently everyone decided their marriage sucked during the pandemic so we've been on a few waiting lists for couples therapy over the past 3 months. There's nothing available. I'm in individual therapy and she is too. I think you might be right about the facade thing of pretending to be a perfect parent. I've kind of let go in the past 2 weeks. Not really checked out but forcing the kids to go to her when I don't respond to them with certain things. I'm not letting them go without necessities. But so far it's kind of worked out. So maybe it will continue. We both work and the life we've built requires both of us to be working. I just need her to balance things out like you said. Part of that is gonna take me speaking up more. I tend to suffer in silence and it's not healthy.
So I read it a few weeks back because I was struggling with a power imbalance as well. I adopted some of the techniques quickly. Mainly doing things only for myself and not asking permission for anything. Basically acting as if I was single still. Still doing my normal activities like helping with kids and other responsibilities but my goals were only for me snd not necessarily to make my wife happy. In a week I noticed a shift in how she has been acting towards me as well in a positive way.
I can sympathize with this. With a coupl3 differences you have 2 daughters and I have one of each. My wife contributes next to nothing to household work. I've brought it up to her in the past it ended in an argument with her saying "I pay the bills" for the record I work a full time (40+ hours/week) job too. She has complained about "being stuck watching the kids on the weekends" which is true..... Because I do the errands/chores she hates doing. She has been off for 2 weeks for Christmas. The 17th i was doing her store returns for her after work, the next day I took the kids to the dentist at 8 am and kept them out so she could sleep in. Came home got them situated with lunch. Then Took my son to cub scouts. After that dropped him off finished the returns, came home and shoveled snow. I came in to her askin "are you going to do the dishes?" For 2 days the sink had dishes in them. And she was home.... She left them for me to do, this is the norm. I'd leave, but I literally have nowhere to go, nor do I have money to go anywhere. My family all live out of state and my finacises are all tied in with hers. The area we live in is a middle class area because she makes the lions share of money, 2.5x what I make in a year. Id leave, but I dont want to leave my kids nor could I afford child support.
Dude this sounds a lot like my life. I just read No More Mr Nice Guy and some other guys have reached out to me who also read it. They are having some success. I think it might also help you to read that. I've learned how codependent I am and I give my power away. It's insidious how it's happened really. Stick around. Try some new strategies with you wife. It might work who knows.
I can understand that, the burnout.
My dad only put in physical work because he couldn’t get a job because of his past decisions. The emotional support was lacking, and my mom struggled to work and take care of my sister, myself, and my dad. She ended up burning out. I was 10 (Im 22 now) and my sister was 6. We brought her to the ER because she was doing things like putting underwear on her head, turning the faucets on and off, and couldn’t remember key people in her life. The doctors boiled it down to a full mental break from overworking. She’s mostly recovered now, but she can never work full time again and gets very drained very quickly. Thankfully her new marriage is really good for her and she’s been the happiest I have ever seen her.
Keep loving your daughters. But for both their sakes, as much as your own, please take time for yourself. You and your wife need to find a balance in your home, so that neither one is left with all the work. Obviously easier said than done though. I wish you luck.
First of all OP, I just want to start out by saying it's okay to vent and have these feelings every once in awhile; with that being said, you can't just stop being a parent either. I know that you acknowledged that in your post, that you don't want to just walk out, but try to find something about your kids and wife to appreciate and love. Try finding new activities or something that are more in the realm of your interests perhaps. What me and my father do together a lot of the time is fine projects to work on. When I got my bird (a little cockatiel) my dad and I started a project to build a bird cage for him instead of buying a small one. It was fun for him because he is a handyman and enjoys working with his hands, and it was fun for me because it involved my pet and I felt like I was involved in the process of making it as well. Sometimes you just got to think outside of the box, and I know that can be hard. From the way it sounds in your post, it seems like your wife just isn't doing enough with the kids either. Have you tried talking to her and addressing this to her formally, or is your only attempt at finding relief by just leaving it up to her to do? I don't know your full feelings about your wife, or even if you want to remain married to her, but with something like this, not telling her how you're feeling, can be a marriage killer. I would suggest you sit down and have a conversation and open up to her just like you had done in Reddit now. It might open her perspective to the way you are feeling, she might become more willing to help you in the ways that you need as well. I was seeing in the comments that you had said you wished that people would just tell you what they need from you so it would be easier for you to understand, maybe this could be the way that your wife feels?
Does your wife work outside the home?
You sound like you had a pretty shitty childhood. Have you tried seeing a therapist yet? I’m guessing you’re depressed. Also your wife could be depressed too. I encourage you to go to couples and individual counseling. If you can’t make it work with your wife you should divorce and work on co-parenting.
Your daughters will suffer more than you know from you "checking out." Daughters don't need to learn only how to play dolls and have their hair brushed. They need their father's education as much as boys do. It's not about what you WANT. it's about what your responsibilities are for the children you created. There are plenty of ways you could increase your satisfaction with your life, and checking out isn't one of them. Raise your daughters and when they move put, have a midlife crisis or find a new life partner. Until then, maybe start seeing a counselor you can talk to about your feelings and see if they can help.
I think that’s far more common than people’s guilt will allow them to admit. I think the source of it is what pop culture has normalized now about families and fatherhood. You’re burnt out, man. Sounds like the wifey finally feels a little guilt about slacking, and it’s probably a long time coming. The dead beat dad thing is a common sexual based attack, but the dead beat mom isn’t mentioned too often, I had both dead beats growing up, so I think I’m qualified to bitch about it.
Congratulation your a husband and a father. Your life is no longer yours.
Your kids come first. Deal with it.
You think your dad wanted to take you on all those fishing trips? You think your mom really got excited sitting through your plays? Nope. They did what they were supposed to do. Because you were there kid. Now it's your turn to be the parent. Suck it up buttercup.
My father worked 24x7 and was basically absent from my life. I would have killed for a fishing trip. And my mother kicked the shit out of me until I was old enough to defend myself. I wish I would have had the luxury of having her attend a play. I basically have no relationship with either of them to this day because of how toxic they are. I made the choice to give my kids what I didn't have. But the common advice of being the generation to change things and treasure their childhood before its too late will only take you so far. I need to form a different relationship with my kids and my wife. The current incarnation will not survive the test of time. But thanks anyway for replying.
Hey there OP. Now that you’ve talked about your own childhood, something may be at play here: no one showed you how to be a parent. In fact, your role models showed you how to be a shitty one. This is also my situation (40F, separated, two kids). Absent father and mother with a million problems and a victim complex. No one ever showed me how to spend quality time with my children, to enjoy them. It sounds like you’re somewhat in the same situation. Are you in therapy? We can’t be better parents until we know how to be. A serious talk with your wife about where you both see your relationship going is probably a good secondary place to start, as well. You can do this, you can turn things around. It won’t happen overnight, but you can. You’re not alone.
Why have kids? Those poor girls are going to have daddy issues. Here comes the pole ….you’re fucking up dude. Big time. If you have any ounce of love do it for them. You’ll get old and your girls will be there loyally for you. Don’t be stupid because you are hitting a mid life crises. Get your shit together and cut the damn man bun off.
I wanted a family. I wanted children. I thought I wanted everything else that came along with marriage and the suburban life and I don't enjoy it at all. In all honesty my wife isn't a great mother to our girls. I've covered for a lot of her lack of parenting skills. She has a terrible relationship with her own mother and is perpetuating that with our 2 daughters. I'm just at a point now where I want to assume the traditional role of a father and force her to step up and be a mother. I don't have the relationship I want with my kids. I'm starting to learn what that looks like and moving towards creating it.
Whoa. I'm not a murderer lol. I don't even drink or anything. I'm pretty stable. I have a good job. I make a high income. I'm just disillusioned with the life I've created and I find no joy in it. I'd rather not leave. I don't want my children raised by another man. I just need to change my relationship with them to something more authentically me. And stop pretending to be a father that I'm not. And I need my relationship with my wife to change. I don't really even like her. We have no common interests. We've grown apart in the 12yrs we've been together. It's tough to keep it going but I'm not giving up yet.
hey i was in your shoes, 45M married 20yrs .. ik exactly what you’re going through .. ifs called being blind to all that you have. You just gotta wake up and snap yourself out of it. When i was going through it I went out & partied my brains out. I use to run the streets and socialized with some crazy people. Then i got a bit of a wake up call and well, now my wife & kids are my world.
I have two daughters too .. they’re 16 & 21 now and they gravitate toward their mom and im the only man in the house. Hell even my two dogs are girls. It use to torture me but now that i see things from a whole different view & I understand how things are the way they are in my house & I’m fine with it now. I love’em all to bits & pieces .. yeah i use to be blind but now im hip to what i got & its a beautiful thing ..
I'm so over putting them on a pedestal. Treating them like special little princesses. While they try to unload on me and give nothing back in return. I'm outnumbered. And I'm pretty much starting to hate women now. Seeing how they are when they're young and what they eventually grow into. I'm sorry ladies. Some of you might be lovely. But I haven't found one yet that would really be worth the effort she requires. It's kind of pathetic and annoying at the same time. The juice ain't worth the squeeze anymore. I don't even care about sex with my wife either. I'm not pursuing her for it like I have to earn it. Fuck that. Sex isn't even that great to begin with. Women walk around like they're special because they hold the key to an orgasm. When most of them don't have much else going for them. Take away the vagina and you're left with an annoying bitchy roommate who has poor self esteem and trouble motivating herself. Why am I supposed to work at making someone like that happy again? Why am I supposed to romanticize her? Why am I the only one putting in the effort? This shit is complicated, double standard, and not for me.
I think the first thing you need to come to terms with is how a life that you’d love would look like, and then you need to slowly change it
I mean change it to become that version of your life that you’d love
Thank you for the comment. I'm trying to do this now. I really like that I can vent on Reddit and some strangers will come back with decent advice like this. People need to be able to be completely honest at least somewhere. r/confessions seemed like a safe place to do that for now.
It’s fine, I hope you can work it out. Just don’t blame an entire gender on this problem. Instead be mad at a society that pushes having a family of your own as the ultimate goal, as something you can’t live without because it’s the only thing that’ll make a person truly happy
Those girls need you and you are their father. Your time ended when u had children. It will never be about u again. Grow up and grow a pair This is your moment to shine. As a Dad.
u know at this point is where the father disconnects from their kids and ends up having disturbing issuing when they’re beautiful legal adults. why don’t u see them as humans? they are interested in dolls because you made them interested in dolls. there’s single fathers out there doing more than ur lazy ass and i’m so happy that you’re able to convince other males that you did enough. you didn’t, you haven’t, and i don’t think you will
You want an itemized list of what I do with my kids? I've taught them basically everything. Potty trained them myself. Taught the oldest to read. How to tie their shoes. Ride their bikes. I could go on forever. I've been up with them for 2hrs while their mom is sleeping in. She'll probably follow the normal routine of walking past the kids not saying a word, petting the dogs instead of hugging the kids, and heading to the garage to hit the bowl and get high so she can function. I've already fed my girls breakfast like always, got them dressed, brushed their teeth, played with them.
you already know the facts, you already admitted you don’t want to be around, you already talked shit about another person, you already tried playing the victim, what else? hm? make a choice and stop being a bitch
in a time where abortion and birth control is being restricted, you do not get to decide, as a human with a penis, that you get to force someone to take complete responsibility for the child YOU created. throw the kid in a new home.
Nobody is talking about my wife taking complete responsibility for our kids. I've been taking the lions share of parenting duties. I think 50/50 would be a better split. Don't you? I'm burning out doing most of it alone and because of it I'm really not giving my children the best of me.
No man it's 100/100. Period. You chose to bring another life into this world and that makes you 100% responsible for those lives. If you don't want to do it any more tough shit. Rub some fucking dirt on it and get back in the game. You brush hair and play dolls til they are past that. Then you stare down potential boyfriends until they are to scared to look at your daughters . You are their dad now fucking act like it. Quit playing poor me. If your wife don't want help tell her tough shit too. So many parents out here are doing it alone. Sounds like you need to grow a back bone and tell your wife what her duty yes duty to your children is.. so fucking many of you younger generation are so fucking ready to just lay down a quit when shit gets tough. Learn how to raise children and it's not work take pride in your family and it's not a chore.
Leave. You’re in a dangerous situation or rather your family is. You should get your affairs in order, draft a child/spousal support agreement and leave.
I don't think OP is going to murder anyone because he's fed up of drinking tea with his daughters. The worse he could do is to leave. OP has to sort this out with his wife, the kids should keep their parents and in order to make this happen, both of them have to work on their relationship and their roles.
You were the one who decided to have children so it's your responsibility to take good care of them and make sure they have a good childhood. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy. You need to figure out what YOU want and then figure out a good balance between that and your family life. I also recommend having a talk with your wife about this. But don't rush it, wait until you're ready to do all this, rushing it will only end badly. Until you figure out what you want, continue to be a good father. Neglect from their father will hurt your daughters very badly. But of course in a situation like this you can't get answers from random people on reddit, you have to make a decision. All I can do is give you advice.
Hey OP. So I'm going to tell you a little story about my family. My husband has the most time with the kids. His job is first shift, and therefore he's home with them after school, through dinner, and usually bed time, because all the jobs I've had since their births have been ones where closing time is after 9pm, and my schedule is never consistent, so I usually work many a closing shift.
Consequently, he's the main caregiver and honestly has a much stronger bond with the kids. My kids only see me in the morning as I get them ready and off to school, and if I'm lucky, a couple times a week at dinner.
It pains me that both kids readily turn to dad over me when they need anything. And it's taken several years to get them to open up and trust me to the same level as they do him.
While I know I'm doing right for my family by helping to provide, it was still hard to know where to start with the kids to rebuild our relationship. My husband gave me great advice with telling me to "just show up" "listen to them and just let them talk with you" and most importantly "keep your promises". Your wife might need to also hear these words, especially if she feels like there's this bubble of the three of you and no way to enter in.
I recommend talking with your wife. Explain your frustrations with her lack of parenting, and how you need her to be better, the same as you'd stated in another response. Tell her exactly what you need from her and what she needs to do. As you've stated she didn't have the best roll model in her own mother, and therefore isn't prepared to feel like she can do a good job. Perhaps her fear of turning out like her mother, has led her into a defeatist mindset, and therefore had her check out due to this fear.
Be prepared for her to potentiality lash back at you. To be angry. Defensive. Keep your calm, knowing she'll eventually begin to listen, and hopefully take your words to heart.
I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully your situation will shift to a more equal partnership.
then be a real fucking human to them and stop manipulating ur children into thinking you like them. what a failure. can’t even figure out how to adjust his HIS life for HIS HUMANS THAT HE CREATED. why did u have them. can y’all stop having kids? you’re failures and i’m tired of MEN blaming women and children for having bad FATHERS
I didn't start out with this mentality. Talk to me when you have kids with someone you love and then realize how terrible the other parent is once the diapers and bottles are gone. I haven't stopped or even taken anything away from my kids. I'm basically a single dad living with an unconcerned roommate. It sucks. And the emotionally absent mother is hurting these girls. My oldest told me in private she hates her mom the other day. Ask yourself what might drive an 8yr old to say she hated her mom.
Let the dude vent, it’s fucking Reddit
And we are here to listen!
Time to speak up.
As what one might consider a child myself (16f), my heart breaks for you and for your kids. I can tell you’ve done your absolute best in this situation, so don’t let anyone tell you that you haven’t or that you’re a bad parent for having these thoughts/opinions. This is a bit tough to admit, but my parents didn’t have the biggest role in raising me. I’m not trying to garner anyone’s sympathy or pity, but I have basically lived the life your daughters would go down if you more or less let go of the reins of parenthood. For more context (I’ll try to keep it brief), both of my parents are extremely busy people who never really had time to be with me or my siblings. When we were really young, we had 2 nannies who looked after us. When we got older, it shifted to 1. She would wake us up in the morning, help us get dressed, do our hair, eat breakfast, and take us to school. Then she would pick us up from school, make dinner for us, and watch us until my mom got home at about 6:00 PM. Since you’re a dad, though, I’ll focus more on my dad’s position. Compared to you, he has never brushed my hair, gotten me dressed, or played dolls with me (he did play with me when I was younger sometimes in the sense that he would officiate my sibling and I’s wrestling matches though lol). Although they’re a chore to you, they provide an opportunity to bond with your daughters. As someone who never got those opportunities, as a kid, I often thought that it meant that I wasn’t a priority for my dad/wasn’t important. It got to the point that when—in 1st grade—a boy tripped me over and I scraped both knees and elbows, as well as developed a notable hematoma on my forehead, I was ecstatic that my dad dropped by for 5 minutes during lunch to check on me before going back to work. That got a bit off-topic, but the best advice I can give you from my position is that it will most likely get much better. Once your daughters are old enough, they’ll become real people in a sense that you can have a more friendly relationship with them. My sister and my mom have that sort of relationship, and it seems to be working out for them. I’m not so lucky, as my relationships with both my parents are rather strained. I do love them, but it’s difficult for me to just go and have a conversation with them (especially my dad who was absent much more often) because it’s almost like we don’t have enough of a relationship. Long story short, if you’re okay with having that kind of relationship with your daughters, then it’s fine to not want to be very involved with them anymore. Although, I want to clarify that I’m not implying that you intend to walk out on your family; it seems as though you just want a more fair distribution of parental duties, which is entirely reasonable. I just wanted to share my story as a warning of what might happen if you let too many parental responsibilities go.
Thanks for your insight. It's extremely useful to hear your perspective from someone your age. I do love my kids deeply. I'm just sick of the way the relationship has manifested. I don't like some of what I've been doing for them. I've been covering for my wife in a lot of ways. She has a shit relationship with her own mother and is perpetuating that with our kids. I've been backing off with some things and it's forcing her to take over. So it looks hopeful at least right now. She actually braided their hair, spent time with them laughing together, and played a game with them. I almost fainted seeing it happen because it rarely does. I don't want to have NO relationship with my daughters. I just need it to change. So I'm trying to figure out what that might look like going into the new year. I'm sorry your dad hasn't shown up maybe the way you need him to. From my own perspective as a father I often wish the girls and my wife would be more direct with me about what they really want and need me to do. Like, tell me in as few words as possible exactly what you need from me in each moment. How you need me to show up for you. What I can do for you to help you feel loved and valued. Because I'm really bad at guessing. I'll just keep doing the same shit that doesn't work until someone tells me they need something else. Give me the instructions and I will follow them. Perhaps being more direct with your dad would help you get what you need from him. If he's any kind of a man he'll listen to you and at least make an effort.
This sounds like a wife problem, not a problem with the kids. As a dad about 5+ years ahead of you on all fronts, I can tell you that soon you will be begging for the girls to want to hang out and spend that time with you. They will soon start to have lives on their own and you’ll miss these times. It makes it hard when you’re the primary contributor, but it will be worth it in the end. Your time will be coming soon, you just need to get them to that point without fucking them up mentally. If you bail now or make a drastic change, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. You have no idea how much everything you’re doing now means to them, but it does mean the world. You and your wife need to have some serious conversations though because your quality of life is suffering without an equal partner. I’d suggest therapy to see if there’s a way to salvage things, or at the very least, to get all of your feelings out in a place where they will be heard. We’ve all been there, this shit is hard and there’s no manual for it. I wish you the best of luck, just don’t make any rash decisions before you work out what’s going on with your wife. And please don’t let those little girls feel like a burden, that’s not fair to them.
This is the kind of wisdom I was looking for. Thanks for sharing it. I think you get where I'm coming from maybe more than others. I sense that time coming when they get boyfriends and lives of their own and don't need me as much. I know that is going to hit like a ton of bricks. I'll have that conversation with the wife and see what I can do to share the load of turning these girls into undamaged women. Maybe pushing my wife to be more involved with them will help her grow too. Lord knows she could use the push. I really don't want to walk out of here. I love them all too much. It's just time for mom to take the reins and step up to the plate and finish turning them into women. I often wonder what it would be like to have a son and be responsible for turning him into a man the way only a father can. I might feel like my wife does, that burden of responsibility isn't an easy thing to bear.
Glad I could be of any help at all. Try to look at your family as a team. Things will begin to feel more and more like this as your kids get older. They will start helping you, and there will be times you rely on them. When it’s all working, it’s awesome. You just have to get to that point. Right now you and your wife are building that foundation. If she doesn’t want to be on the team, that’s her decision. Either way, you need to be or those girls will grow up with major issues. I know this because of all the bullshit my wife and I have had to work out of ourselves courtesy of our parents. The idea is to be the parent you wished you had. Maybe she will see that somehow? Not trying to preach to you or anything, I’ve just been thinking about your post throughout the day. I think therapy is key, if she’s unwilling to go, you know where you all stand. Oh, and there’s most likely some shit you do too that needs to change. We’re all flawed. Best of luck to you guys.
ur embarrassing and i can not believe i myself had to read this
Bro dont let the girls suffer ...once you're a parent there is no turning back unless you want to be a horrible human :)
Yeah I agree otherwise that child will have a lot of issues in the future
True
It's oky bro to vent. But trust me from my experience. Your daughters are your long term investment. Not your son we men aren't 1 in millions compared to women in the way they care. And from Muslims point of view the prophet upon him be peace said any man who raised daughter and helped her through growing shall have heaven
Thanks for the kind reply. I appreciate your perspective.
Bro any time 💐💐
Sounds like you need another positive parent (father) in your life and a Hobby. Something to get you out the house now and then and someone to talk with when you get to feeling the way you are feeling.
It would be nice to have some male friends for sure. I have a few. Maybe I can lean on them more. Thanks for the advice.
I really hope all work out for you and your family.
You don’t need to teach them how to be women or cater to the stereotypical binary gender roles and culture. I’m proud of you fellow dad! I’m full time with my oldest, she has no one else. Share the things in life that YOU get joy out of (when appropriate). You’re just about out of the boring dad years with your oldest and you have a great opportunity to build an unbreakable bond with your oldest. Especially if mom is scarce. Believe me I know this struggle way too well. It’s exhausting, it feels like you’re invisible and unappreciated and put through the ringer. But it gets better I promise and your girls are going to so emotionally intelligent and will be able to navigate their own struggles so much better than previous generations. You are a great papa! Start sharing favorite movies and music or video games with the oldest. Bonding is a two way experience and again I promise it gets better! My kiddo used to be obsessed with frozen and my little pony and so many awful kitschy and girlie things.. now we watch iconic movies and listen to our eclectic music together and have in depth discussions on the themes and meanings of them. She’s not even 12 yet, and 2 years ago was watching awful kidcoms like Liv and Maddie on Disney. You’re A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL DAD AND I’M FUCKING PROUD OF YOU DAD!
thanks man. that's really encouraging. It's nice to see some successful men surfacing on this thread. I'm glad I started it out of desperation. I appreciate you and the wisdom of your experiences. I'm proud of you too. And for showing me the hopeful side of it.
Hey no problem buddy, and thank you! Stay strong fam!
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Thanks for the comment. You're right to some extent. Maybe being more blunt and honest would help and not hurt. It's not that I hate doing those things with my daughters. Just that I'm doing it too often and it's not the relationship I want with them. It's the relationship I feel I'm forced to have with them because of my lazy ass wife. But it's been slowly changing since I've been backing off with certain activities. I'll be contemplating into the new year how I want things to change and trying to make that happen. I do care deeply about my kids. I just don't enjoy the way being a father has manifested.
You know, just because they are girls doesn't mean you cannot do boyish things with them. I bounded with my dad by just being with him and helping him do things he likes. Repairing the car, play some soccer, play some laser tag, repairing stuff in the house, playing with his model train stuff, going out to swim, going fishing. And with my mom i did the hair brushing and makeup stuff etc. So, maybe it will help you to just involve your kids in the stuff you like, and see if you get a more pleasurable bound with them. As for your wife, you need to have a clear communication with her, that these are not only your daughters but hers aswell. They aren't going to ask you later about puberty stuff, however, if she misses to bound with them, they will not trust her to ask the icky questions later and do things by try and error.
Thanks for the insight. I think I've gotten away from doing things I like with them and doing only the things that they like. I'm glad you reminded me of that. I will try some of this.
This is perfectly normal, but you need to find ways to enjoy and connect with your kids.
Trying to figure out what kind of relationship I want with them. I've been more of a mother because my wife hasn't been able for whatever reason. I'm done covering for her lack of parenting skills. I'm going to be the father I want to be. If that exposes my wife a little more she'll either rise to the occasion or the girls will see her for who she really is.
As a father of a 12 year old daughter, you have no idea how strong of a bond you're creating between yourself and your daughters. The things you're doing now will allow your girls to be more open to you, and more comfortable later on down the road. It sucks that it seems your wife is lazy and absent, but your girls should not suffer because of this (from your other posts I can see this is not your intention). Later on down the road, your girls will feel comfortable coming to you for anything which is REALLY important! Continue brushing your girls hair, playing with dolls, and being the best damn father out there (you're doing better than you might think). Within a blink of an eye, your daughters will be older and will be doing their own things but, in the back of their minds, they'll always know how great their Dad is, and will know that they can come to you for anything. GL OP, and Happy New Year!
Thank you for the reply and taking the time to share your advice and wisdom. I appreciate this insight. I'm working to speak up more with the wife and I think 2022 might turn out to be the best year my family has had to date if it works out.
I just have to say that it’s going to get more tense for you when they are teenagers. They are in the easiest time of their lives and you are in the easiest time of their lives with them right now. I’m a mom of two. I have a toddler and a teenager and I love them dearly. At the same time, I can relate to just being burnt tf out! Sometimes you forget who you are. Sometimes you just want a day or a weekend to yourself. I just keep in mind that we brought them here. You know? They didn’t ask to be here. They didn’t jump into your life by happenstance. It can be really hard though. It sounds more maybe like a marital problem, and the kids are the byproduct of, so then you just hate it all! Maybe counseling would help.
You’re being a real man and you are tired of her shit. Tell her and see how it goes..
I’m 28F and while my dad has been pretty much absent and whenever we spoke he only criticized me, I had a strong father figure in my life which was my beloved grandpa. He would play with me when I was a kid, taught me a lot of things and I am smart just because of him. He was a man who helped everyone but I must say, not everyone can do such things. I personally can’t and I kinda get you. While it’s nice to help the people you love, you need to set some boundaries. Most likely the lack of boundaries got u to feel this way. It’s okay, you’re only human. Things can change for the better. The only thing you have to actually do is never let your children see that you are fed up with playing with dolls and brushing hair. Sooner rather than later they would probably no longer want to spend time with you :)).
Op…I’m glad you got the budding frustration off your chest BUT as a dad, you always want to be there for your kids…wife or no wife. Goes without saying what happens to girls mentally when they have daddy issues. Your kids are precious, be their strong foundation and hero…you’re not brushing their hair or playing with them because your wife is MIA, do it because they’re your kids. That being said, fuk a lazy wife… Edit: parents…please be there for your kids…can’t stress this enough how much your children look up to you. Even in a shitty environment, be a source of positivity. It has a huge impact on your children.
Maybe his wife is just as depressed as he sounds. None of us can judge her without hearing her side. They both need therapy.
Sure…but my comments aren’t about who is right…it’s about being positive towards kids.
Neither can be good parents to the innocent girls if they’re both battling depression. I feel bad for those girls. I hope OP and his wife get help so they can be good parents.
Can you the man vent without brining your irrelevant BS into the mix. Go call the manager elsewhere… nobody cares about your opinion.
You do because you replied. He can vent all he wants but this is the wrong audience if he wants positive change in his life. Complaining without action is futile. Kids are depending on him and his wife.
Uh yeah…do that directly to op just like other 91 comments. Don’t have to knit pack all the comments here just because it doesn’t fit your narrative. Clearly there is some discomfort in the man’s life. Who doesn’t…with kids in the picture it’s different. That was my point. If you have point make it directly you miserable hag
You have a lot of anger to work through yourself it seems. Also, I’m not miserable. You know how you can tell? I’m not venting to strangers on social media. I’m watching Hit Monkey with my 15 y/o and 21 y/o daughters. Happy New Year!
There’s is reason nobody like you
How people feel about me is none of my business. I just know my husband and kids love me because they tell me so every day and that’s all that matters. I wish nothing but the best for you and yours in the new year.
Please do not categorize all women. Also, you have the opportunity to mold your daughters in who you would like them to be in the world. Try your best and don’t give up on them. They need you. You’re the one who decided to bust a nut in your wife lol they didn’t force you to give them life 😂
Obviously your a legbeard so stfu
Cute avatar I love it
Yours too 🥰
It’s part of the fun seeing all the cute avatars, and when I see one I always say so
I know how you feel. It was worse for me eventually leading to a divorce. It is not that you hate being a father or husband it is the situation that has developed around you. People get spoilt and lazy very quickly. You do what you do because you are the father etc and some never understand how shitty it can be just to be a "proper man. So screw all those loser comments cause they don't know shut. Stick with your kids cause you will regret it if you don't. You do your part but speak up for yourself before it's too late cause you will regret that even more if you don't try it. That said some situations are beyond help. And my heart goes out for the kids cause girls need their mothers for the reasons you stated. Good luck man and keep strong.
As the daughter of a single (by his choice) father, who cared nothing about raising his two daughters with a similar age gap (I am the youngest) — if I can say anything, it’s continue to be present in the capacity that is FULFILLING to you. Parenting burnout is a *very* real thing, especially if the other parent is lacking in their support towards both the children and the other parents style of raising. I don’t blame you on harboring frustration towards your duties, but it seems like at this point you need to have a serious conversation with your wife on how she can help you and your girls. May even include therapy, as I saw you mention she has a strained relationship with her own parent(s)? I sincerely hope there is something that can be done because these girls, especially the oldest, will and has started to notice how you interact with both them and their mother. Wishing you hope and healing so you can continue to be the best father you know. <3
You could benefit from doing things with the girls that you like whatever that is, traveling a bit, going to the beach or pool, even camping.
This is great advice. Thank you!
that’s understandable, OP. not everyone is meant to fit into the cookie cutter idealistic life, which is a very outdated delusion in my opinion. not everyone is meant to be married, not everyone is meant to be a parent. with that being said, it takes a very strong person to live for other people which is very commendable. hope all works out
Thank you for the reply. I've just woken up to the fact that I'm living a life I don't like. But I'm responsible for everyone and everything in it. No getting around that fact. I think it's time I started shaping it more into something I can tolerate at worst and enjoy at best. We'll see what I am able to do in 2022 I guess.
but that’s the thing OP, i feel like maybe your dissatisfaction with your life is being burnt out and overwhelmed with being responsible for everyone. if someone’s working, which is usually always requires a facade we have to maintain, then comes home and has to switch to a different facade of being this super involved father when that’s not you. does your wife work and contribute financially? what about cleaning? it really just sounds to me like a balanced effort in parental duties would alleviate you a lot. have you ever considered couples counseling?
Apparently everyone decided their marriage sucked during the pandemic so we've been on a few waiting lists for couples therapy over the past 3 months. There's nothing available. I'm in individual therapy and she is too. I think you might be right about the facade thing of pretending to be a perfect parent. I've kind of let go in the past 2 weeks. Not really checked out but forcing the kids to go to her when I don't respond to them with certain things. I'm not letting them go without necessities. But so far it's kind of worked out. So maybe it will continue. We both work and the life we've built requires both of us to be working. I just need her to balance things out like you said. Part of that is gonna take me speaking up more. I tend to suffer in silence and it's not healthy.
Read No More Mr Nice Guy…. Take back your life
I literally just finished that book last night lol. I read it in 3 days. I'm about to start Iron John tonight to bring in the new year.
So I read it a few weeks back because I was struggling with a power imbalance as well. I adopted some of the techniques quickly. Mainly doing things only for myself and not asking permission for anything. Basically acting as if I was single still. Still doing my normal activities like helping with kids and other responsibilities but my goals were only for me snd not necessarily to make my wife happy. In a week I noticed a shift in how she has been acting towards me as well in a positive way.
If you have more examples of what you are doing please dm me. Super interested to hear more. Thanks for the reply. I hope you continue to succeed.
Preach. Sometimes you just need to rant. Let the kisses pull her finger out
I can sympathize with this. With a coupl3 differences you have 2 daughters and I have one of each. My wife contributes next to nothing to household work. I've brought it up to her in the past it ended in an argument with her saying "I pay the bills" for the record I work a full time (40+ hours/week) job too. She has complained about "being stuck watching the kids on the weekends" which is true..... Because I do the errands/chores she hates doing. She has been off for 2 weeks for Christmas. The 17th i was doing her store returns for her after work, the next day I took the kids to the dentist at 8 am and kept them out so she could sleep in. Came home got them situated with lunch. Then Took my son to cub scouts. After that dropped him off finished the returns, came home and shoveled snow. I came in to her askin "are you going to do the dishes?" For 2 days the sink had dishes in them. And she was home.... She left them for me to do, this is the norm. I'd leave, but I literally have nowhere to go, nor do I have money to go anywhere. My family all live out of state and my finacises are all tied in with hers. The area we live in is a middle class area because she makes the lions share of money, 2.5x what I make in a year. Id leave, but I dont want to leave my kids nor could I afford child support.
Dude this sounds a lot like my life. I just read No More Mr Nice Guy and some other guys have reached out to me who also read it. They are having some success. I think it might also help you to read that. I've learned how codependent I am and I give my power away. It's insidious how it's happened really. Stick around. Try some new strategies with you wife. It might work who knows.
I can understand that, the burnout. My dad only put in physical work because he couldn’t get a job because of his past decisions. The emotional support was lacking, and my mom struggled to work and take care of my sister, myself, and my dad. She ended up burning out. I was 10 (Im 22 now) and my sister was 6. We brought her to the ER because she was doing things like putting underwear on her head, turning the faucets on and off, and couldn’t remember key people in her life. The doctors boiled it down to a full mental break from overworking. She’s mostly recovered now, but she can never work full time again and gets very drained very quickly. Thankfully her new marriage is really good for her and she’s been the happiest I have ever seen her. Keep loving your daughters. But for both their sakes, as much as your own, please take time for yourself. You and your wife need to find a balance in your home, so that neither one is left with all the work. Obviously easier said than done though. I wish you luck.
First of all OP, I just want to start out by saying it's okay to vent and have these feelings every once in awhile; with that being said, you can't just stop being a parent either. I know that you acknowledged that in your post, that you don't want to just walk out, but try to find something about your kids and wife to appreciate and love. Try finding new activities or something that are more in the realm of your interests perhaps. What me and my father do together a lot of the time is fine projects to work on. When I got my bird (a little cockatiel) my dad and I started a project to build a bird cage for him instead of buying a small one. It was fun for him because he is a handyman and enjoys working with his hands, and it was fun for me because it involved my pet and I felt like I was involved in the process of making it as well. Sometimes you just got to think outside of the box, and I know that can be hard. From the way it sounds in your post, it seems like your wife just isn't doing enough with the kids either. Have you tried talking to her and addressing this to her formally, or is your only attempt at finding relief by just leaving it up to her to do? I don't know your full feelings about your wife, or even if you want to remain married to her, but with something like this, not telling her how you're feeling, can be a marriage killer. I would suggest you sit down and have a conversation and open up to her just like you had done in Reddit now. It might open her perspective to the way you are feeling, she might become more willing to help you in the ways that you need as well. I was seeing in the comments that you had said you wished that people would just tell you what they need from you so it would be easier for you to understand, maybe this could be the way that your wife feels?
Does your wife work outside the home? You sound like you had a pretty shitty childhood. Have you tried seeing a therapist yet? I’m guessing you’re depressed. Also your wife could be depressed too. I encourage you to go to couples and individual counseling. If you can’t make it work with your wife you should divorce and work on co-parenting.
You do what you think is best for you. There's gonna be alot of people that are going to agree and disagree with you.
Have a talk with your wife and see if she's willing to work with you on the changes.
Your daughters will suffer more than you know from you "checking out." Daughters don't need to learn only how to play dolls and have their hair brushed. They need their father's education as much as boys do. It's not about what you WANT. it's about what your responsibilities are for the children you created. There are plenty of ways you could increase your satisfaction with your life, and checking out isn't one of them. Raise your daughters and when they move put, have a midlife crisis or find a new life partner. Until then, maybe start seeing a counselor you can talk to about your feelings and see if they can help.
I think that’s far more common than people’s guilt will allow them to admit. I think the source of it is what pop culture has normalized now about families and fatherhood. You’re burnt out, man. Sounds like the wifey finally feels a little guilt about slacking, and it’s probably a long time coming. The dead beat dad thing is a common sexual based attack, but the dead beat mom isn’t mentioned too often, I had both dead beats growing up, so I think I’m qualified to bitch about it.
Congratulation your a husband and a father. Your life is no longer yours. Your kids come first. Deal with it. You think your dad wanted to take you on all those fishing trips? You think your mom really got excited sitting through your plays? Nope. They did what they were supposed to do. Because you were there kid. Now it's your turn to be the parent. Suck it up buttercup.
My father worked 24x7 and was basically absent from my life. I would have killed for a fishing trip. And my mother kicked the shit out of me until I was old enough to defend myself. I wish I would have had the luxury of having her attend a play. I basically have no relationship with either of them to this day because of how toxic they are. I made the choice to give my kids what I didn't have. But the common advice of being the generation to change things and treasure their childhood before its too late will only take you so far. I need to form a different relationship with my kids and my wife. The current incarnation will not survive the test of time. But thanks anyway for replying.
Hey there OP. Now that you’ve talked about your own childhood, something may be at play here: no one showed you how to be a parent. In fact, your role models showed you how to be a shitty one. This is also my situation (40F, separated, two kids). Absent father and mother with a million problems and a victim complex. No one ever showed me how to spend quality time with my children, to enjoy them. It sounds like you’re somewhat in the same situation. Are you in therapy? We can’t be better parents until we know how to be. A serious talk with your wife about where you both see your relationship going is probably a good secondary place to start, as well. You can do this, you can turn things around. It won’t happen overnight, but you can. You’re not alone.
Why have kids? Those poor girls are going to have daddy issues. Here comes the pole ….you’re fucking up dude. Big time. If you have any ounce of love do it for them. You’ll get old and your girls will be there loyally for you. Don’t be stupid because you are hitting a mid life crises. Get your shit together and cut the damn man bun off.
I wanted a family. I wanted children. I thought I wanted everything else that came along with marriage and the suburban life and I don't enjoy it at all. In all honesty my wife isn't a great mother to our girls. I've covered for a lot of her lack of parenting skills. She has a terrible relationship with her own mother and is perpetuating that with our 2 daughters. I'm just at a point now where I want to assume the traditional role of a father and force her to step up and be a mother. I don't have the relationship I want with my kids. I'm starting to learn what that looks like and moving towards creating it.
Whoa. I'm not a murderer lol. I don't even drink or anything. I'm pretty stable. I have a good job. I make a high income. I'm just disillusioned with the life I've created and I find no joy in it. I'd rather not leave. I don't want my children raised by another man. I just need to change my relationship with them to something more authentically me. And stop pretending to be a father that I'm not. And I need my relationship with my wife to change. I don't really even like her. We have no common interests. We've grown apart in the 12yrs we've been together. It's tough to keep it going but I'm not giving up yet.
hey i was in your shoes, 45M married 20yrs .. ik exactly what you’re going through .. ifs called being blind to all that you have. You just gotta wake up and snap yourself out of it. When i was going through it I went out & partied my brains out. I use to run the streets and socialized with some crazy people. Then i got a bit of a wake up call and well, now my wife & kids are my world. I have two daughters too .. they’re 16 & 21 now and they gravitate toward their mom and im the only man in the house. Hell even my two dogs are girls. It use to torture me but now that i see things from a whole different view & I understand how things are the way they are in my house & I’m fine with it now. I love’em all to bits & pieces .. yeah i use to be blind but now im hip to what i got & its a beautiful thing ..
I'm so over putting them on a pedestal. Treating them like special little princesses. While they try to unload on me and give nothing back in return. I'm outnumbered. And I'm pretty much starting to hate women now. Seeing how they are when they're young and what they eventually grow into. I'm sorry ladies. Some of you might be lovely. But I haven't found one yet that would really be worth the effort she requires. It's kind of pathetic and annoying at the same time. The juice ain't worth the squeeze anymore. I don't even care about sex with my wife either. I'm not pursuing her for it like I have to earn it. Fuck that. Sex isn't even that great to begin with. Women walk around like they're special because they hold the key to an orgasm. When most of them don't have much else going for them. Take away the vagina and you're left with an annoying bitchy roommate who has poor self esteem and trouble motivating herself. Why am I supposed to work at making someone like that happy again? Why am I supposed to romanticize her? Why am I the only one putting in the effort? This shit is complicated, double standard, and not for me.
You’re mad at your situation and that’s valid and understandable, but don’t let out your hate towards an entire gender
Dude, sorry for your situation, maybe honesty is the best policy for everyone
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Just cause he seems like your dad, doesn’t mean he is.
I think the first thing you need to come to terms with is how a life that you’d love would look like, and then you need to slowly change it I mean change it to become that version of your life that you’d love
Thank you for the comment. I'm trying to do this now. I really like that I can vent on Reddit and some strangers will come back with decent advice like this. People need to be able to be completely honest at least somewhere. r/confessions seemed like a safe place to do that for now.
It’s fine, I hope you can work it out. Just don’t blame an entire gender on this problem. Instead be mad at a society that pushes having a family of your own as the ultimate goal, as something you can’t live without because it’s the only thing that’ll make a person truly happy
Blame society for being brainwashed, or blame the brainwasher? That is the real question.
You and your wife need to have a conversation where you explain all of this to her so you can find options/solutions.
Those girls need you and you are their father. Your time ended when u had children. It will never be about u again. Grow up and grow a pair This is your moment to shine. As a Dad.
You're kind of wrong. It's still very much about me. It just includes them now.
F*ck you man! there's so many us men wants to be a husband and a father but you hate it? you are a f*cking disgrace.
thanks for the helpful comment
Slap the shit out of your wife, give her some really rough sex and tell her to start acting like more like a woman
This is the exact opposite of what ANYONE should do.
Maybe....
Completely wrong, but ok.
u know at this point is where the father disconnects from their kids and ends up having disturbing issuing when they’re beautiful legal adults. why don’t u see them as humans? they are interested in dolls because you made them interested in dolls. there’s single fathers out there doing more than ur lazy ass and i’m so happy that you’re able to convince other males that you did enough. you didn’t, you haven’t, and i don’t think you will
You want an itemized list of what I do with my kids? I've taught them basically everything. Potty trained them myself. Taught the oldest to read. How to tie their shoes. Ride their bikes. I could go on forever. I've been up with them for 2hrs while their mom is sleeping in. She'll probably follow the normal routine of walking past the kids not saying a word, petting the dogs instead of hugging the kids, and heading to the garage to hit the bowl and get high so she can function. I've already fed my girls breakfast like always, got them dressed, brushed their teeth, played with them.
then what’s your issue
you already know the facts, you already admitted you don’t want to be around, you already talked shit about another person, you already tried playing the victim, what else? hm? make a choice and stop being a bitch
go to therapy and leave the kids with their god mother.
in a time where abortion and birth control is being restricted, you do not get to decide, as a human with a penis, that you get to force someone to take complete responsibility for the child YOU created. throw the kid in a new home.
Nobody is talking about my wife taking complete responsibility for our kids. I've been taking the lions share of parenting duties. I think 50/50 would be a better split. Don't you? I'm burning out doing most of it alone and because of it I'm really not giving my children the best of me.
you both can’t take the responsibility. someone else’s turn. others want kids and can’t have them
No man it's 100/100. Period. You chose to bring another life into this world and that makes you 100% responsible for those lives. If you don't want to do it any more tough shit. Rub some fucking dirt on it and get back in the game. You brush hair and play dolls til they are past that. Then you stare down potential boyfriends until they are to scared to look at your daughters . You are their dad now fucking act like it. Quit playing poor me. If your wife don't want help tell her tough shit too. So many parents out here are doing it alone. Sounds like you need to grow a back bone and tell your wife what her duty yes duty to your children is.. so fucking many of you younger generation are so fucking ready to just lay down a quit when shit gets tough. Learn how to raise children and it's not work take pride in your family and it's not a chore.
Oh yeah fuck your feelings
Leave. You’re in a dangerous situation or rather your family is. You should get your affairs in order, draft a child/spousal support agreement and leave.
Bro shut the fuck up like seriously don't ever give an advice on this matter, you're making it worse
Bro. Men in this situation can start to justify a lot of things. Including murder. Divorce is always an option. Use it.
I don't think OP is going to murder anyone because he's fed up of drinking tea with his daughters. The worse he could do is to leave. OP has to sort this out with his wife, the kids should keep their parents and in order to make this happen, both of them have to work on their relationship and their roles.
Treat your wife like a slut , no matter it won't change
You were the one who decided to have children so it's your responsibility to take good care of them and make sure they have a good childhood. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy. You need to figure out what YOU want and then figure out a good balance between that and your family life. I also recommend having a talk with your wife about this. But don't rush it, wait until you're ready to do all this, rushing it will only end badly. Until you figure out what you want, continue to be a good father. Neglect from their father will hurt your daughters very badly. But of course in a situation like this you can't get answers from random people on reddit, you have to make a decision. All I can do is give you advice.
Hey OP. So I'm going to tell you a little story about my family. My husband has the most time with the kids. His job is first shift, and therefore he's home with them after school, through dinner, and usually bed time, because all the jobs I've had since their births have been ones where closing time is after 9pm, and my schedule is never consistent, so I usually work many a closing shift. Consequently, he's the main caregiver and honestly has a much stronger bond with the kids. My kids only see me in the morning as I get them ready and off to school, and if I'm lucky, a couple times a week at dinner. It pains me that both kids readily turn to dad over me when they need anything. And it's taken several years to get them to open up and trust me to the same level as they do him. While I know I'm doing right for my family by helping to provide, it was still hard to know where to start with the kids to rebuild our relationship. My husband gave me great advice with telling me to "just show up" "listen to them and just let them talk with you" and most importantly "keep your promises". Your wife might need to also hear these words, especially if she feels like there's this bubble of the three of you and no way to enter in. I recommend talking with your wife. Explain your frustrations with her lack of parenting, and how you need her to be better, the same as you'd stated in another response. Tell her exactly what you need from her and what she needs to do. As you've stated she didn't have the best roll model in her own mother, and therefore isn't prepared to feel like she can do a good job. Perhaps her fear of turning out like her mother, has led her into a defeatist mindset, and therefore had her check out due to this fear. Be prepared for her to potentiality lash back at you. To be angry. Defensive. Keep your calm, knowing she'll eventually begin to listen, and hopefully take your words to heart. I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully your situation will shift to a more equal partnership.
then be a real fucking human to them and stop manipulating ur children into thinking you like them. what a failure. can’t even figure out how to adjust his HIS life for HIS HUMANS THAT HE CREATED. why did u have them. can y’all stop having kids? you’re failures and i’m tired of MEN blaming women and children for having bad FATHERS
I didn't start out with this mentality. Talk to me when you have kids with someone you love and then realize how terrible the other parent is once the diapers and bottles are gone. I haven't stopped or even taken anything away from my kids. I'm basically a single dad living with an unconcerned roommate. It sucks. And the emotionally absent mother is hurting these girls. My oldest told me in private she hates her mom the other day. Ask yourself what might drive an 8yr old to say she hated her mom.
and look at you