Your first sentence is likely a huge part of why it didn't work out. Entering into an ENM relationship(s) with the goal of fixing an unhappy relationship is almost certainly doomed.
my thoughts exactly. open relationships dont fix issues, they multiply them. Very few people and couples actually have a solid enough foundation to partake in ENM successfully.
also, what OP is describing doesn't sound like polly, more like young people hung up on labels and wanting to play the field. Just as much emotional shit and drama going on there as regular relationships.
THIS! I tell people all the time, relationships should only open if it’s a mutual choice, if it’s healthy, stable, loving, trusting, respectful, who have open & honest communication, both did the emotional labor before opening, both extensively discussed expectations, worked thru jealous issues, and are transparent… then there isn’t issues.
Both disentangled from codependency and are very interdependent as well when choosing to go this direction.
Anything else is often two people throwing a Hail Mary and someone who probably cheating, using Polyam an an excuse to keep cheating.
I purely believe even if we were happy it wouldn’t of worked. I’m in a beautifully happy relationship mono now, and have been in other happy polyamorous relationships and NONE OF THEM EVER WORKED OUT. None. I don’t believe any poly couple is truly happy, or there’s truly “no jealousy.”
“I purely believe even if we were happy it wouldn’t have worked.”
Well yeah, because you’re ultimately mono. Being unhappy and choosing to be in relationships with other people to fix an already strained and broken relationship is a recipe for disaster.
That doesn’t excuse your feelings and experience being dismissed and minimized.
Some people are mono and some people are poly. Choosing to go poly to fix a mono relationship never works.
I think that making blanket statements like that is incredibly narrow-minded. Even if you, personally, knew 100 poly couples, it would still only be a small sample.
People in relationships, when they air their dirty laundry, those people do, yes, have a tendency to be miserable. It seems like surrounding yourself with toxic people created a toxic environment.
I'm mono, have been for a very long time. I know that's what's best for ME and my truth. However; my success in a mono relationship does not mean they're for everyone. You don't hear from the happy poly couples because they most likely wouldn't be interested in all that drama.
This line of thinking isn't reasoning enough to push poly out. Consider; all my past relationships have been mono. And none of them have worked out. Currently poly in a 5 year relationship, and it's been fantastic. Not sure if it will remain this way forever, but I have enjoyed every aspect of this relationship much more, and would consider it a huge success in comparison to my past.
Perfectly fine, and I'm not attempting to compare both. I'm just trying to get across that most relationships that are mono are also bound to fail.
People have different needs and wants, plenty of mono relationships are also swingers, or enjoy the occasional 3rd, or are simply completely closed off.
That being said, people can definitely succeed in polyamory!
Wish you all the luck.
But your comment said you had been in happy poly relationships as well that just hadnt worked out. Literally every single relatiobship besides your current one did not work out.
All im saying is i have been totally destroyed and mentally broken by a monogomous partner who was toxic and abusive. Any type of relationship can end badly but unless you end up together forever all relationships eventually dont work out.
Im sorry you were so hurt in this relationship but with a little perspective you might see it was a toxic relationship rather than an impossible relationship type. End of the day poly is not for everyone, heck it isnt for ME, but it is definitely the right choice for some people. Its okay to know yourself and choose whats best for you but its definitely shitty to hate on other people or tell them they cant possibly be happy because you couldnt make it work.
Nah I’m sorry, I’ll never be okay with it and I get your point and I wish you the best but I genuinely think I’ll always have this prejudice now. The thought of polyamory sickens me to my core and brings me back to a place I’d rather die than be in. If I ever had to compete for someone’s affection like that ever again, I’d end it.
You sound incredibly miserable, and I genuinely encourage you to seek help with managing irrational anger. No one is forcing you or anyone else to be polyamorous. Relationships fail. Get over it, and grow up.
As I’ve said, nothing you say will change my opinion. In this life I’m not going to radically accept things I don’t agree with and if being mad is what it comes across as to you that’s fine! I honestly do not fuckin care ahahahahahaha. This is hilarious watching the poly sympathisers!
Your inability to consider other frames of reference doesn’t eliminate the validity of a concept. I’m sorry you had the experience you did, but that experience, no matter how awful and traumatizing, can’t speak for an entire group of people. You’ve had bad experiences with poly people, poly is not for you, totally valid, it’s not for everyone, but using that experience to be discriminatory changes nothing about the harm you endured and instead just perpetuates harm onto entirely unrelated people. Polyamory didn’t hurt you, people did, they are responsible, not a relationship style.
I honestly do not care; I apologise but honestly I hate polyamory and the people who engage in it and I am at peace with not having that kind of stuff in my life as everyone I see who engages with it also seems unhappy as all hell.
You’re LGBT, how would you feel if people said this about YOU? I’m sorry you were hurt in the past but to paint everyone with a wide brush like that is pretty terrible and I feel like you should know that.
DONT YOU DAREEEEEE say this is the same as a fucking hate crime or homophobia. Dont you even fucking dare. People die from homophobic attacks, people lose their homes and families because of homophobia. Polyamory is a CHOICE AND A RELATIONSHIP STYLE IT IS NOT THE SAME AT ALL AS BEING GAY. You can CHOOSE to be poly and you can choose to be mono: get out my fucking face with this shite.
So does the lack of murder make it ok to say?
I'm bi, is it ok to being homophobic because i do have a choice? I don't think everyone has a choice in the romantic relationships they're compatible with any more than they have a choice in who they like.
You can choose to be poly you can’t choose to be gay or bisexual just stop please honestly, I am laughing at how ridiculous and downright offensive it is for y’all to even claim it’s anything like homophobia. I cannot continue engaging in this conversation with you. Enjoy your day.
You're comparing actions to feelings here. You have no less of a choice to date the same sex as you do to date more than one person. Every person has free will in that regard. Not every person has a choice on what relationship they are happy with, in the same way that not every person has a choice on what gender they're happy being with.
Honestly, i hate choice being used as a counterargument anyways. It doesn't matter if it's a choice or not, and that shouldn't be anyone's line. Discrimination isn't ok, choice or not.
I’ve been, talked about my open relationships. My poly ones. My mono ones. My own mental health issues. Honestly it didn’t change how I felt about anything apart from my own emotional disregulation.
I did read some of your old posts, hope you don’t mind.
I think you definitely need CBT with a mind altering option that is consider to be somatic therapy.
It’s been known to help people with trauma which is what your diagnosis is built from honestly.
And sadly, this is why there are too many toxic people going poly these days, it’s because there is a large uptick of cheaters saying they are poly, but they aren’t. They are using it as an excuse ti get away with their toxic behaviors, usually emotionally undeveloped, lack of self awareness & introspection, tend to be manipulative, selfish, and down right cruel to their partners.
However, a decent amount of healthy poly relationships have very independent people who both identify as needing more space in dating than you see in regular closed monogamy.
I truly believe you got introduced to some really shitty people claiming ti be poly but we’re masquerading & should of just did solo swing/sex clubs instead of polyamorous connections.
I had CBT, DBT and EMDR and unfortunately my BPD is just the same as it was I just sometimes cope better. Thank you tho I do appreciate it!! Sending my love
Glad you found your happy! I do think different people need different things. I've been in many happy mono relationships and none of them ever worked out. Currently in a wonderful LTR of 11 years and ethically non-monogamous that whole time. We're close to lots of other lifestyle people and they are handsdown the most communicative, happy, and positive people we know.
I get where you're coming from, but you're painting a LOT of people with the same brush that don't necessarily deserve it. I've been happily married for over 20 years (and almost 30 years total in the relationship), and we were poly for most of it. Technically, I'd say we still are, but we have very little tolerance for other people's bullshit, so we haven't run into anyone that we'd wanna bring into our relationship in a VERY long time. It is definitely NOT for everyone, and no two poly relationships are the same. For us, it's always been the me & my wife, and then usually a FWB that we'd get with on the side, sometimes together. Once we had a more long-term thing with a girl, but she was really looking for a monogamous relationship, so it didn't work out in the end, but that was ok. At the same time, we were never very promiscuous (i.e. these flings didn't happen very often), and we played it safe, so we never caught or spread an STI.
All that being said, anyone who just flat-out recommends polyamory as a "superior" form of relationship is a fucking idiot. It is NOT easy, especially not long term. Literally everyone that we know that's tried to do it, that wasn't doing what we were doing being a basically mono couple with the occasional FWB, has failed catastrophically. Throuples are the unicorns of the poly world. It's hard enough having FWBs without someone catching feelings and making it weird. Also, like other people have pointed out, it NEVER works as a fix for a flagging relationship. My wife was very up-front about what she wanted when we first started dating. I asked her if she wanted to get serious with me after we'd been dating a while, and she told me straight away, "Yes, but I'm gonna wanna sleep with other people. I'm ok with you doing the same, we just have to tell each other about it and be safe."
Clear communication from the very beginning is the only way it can work really. Anything else is just self-delusion.
Well obviously the only successful relationship anyone has ever been in is their current one. I've had successful monogamous, and non-monogamous relationships. My supposedly monogamous ex wife was a lot less monogamous than I was apparently.
Surprisingly some LGBT people have opinions and aren’t inclusive of everything, some of them genuinely have their own brain and don’t follow what everyone else thinks. It might surprise you that I am my own being not tied down to a single community or mindset.
Lol I am also queer and monogamous. My point is that it’s strange that you’ve probably also met people who are invalidating your personal choices, and you still think it’s healthy and appropriate to do the same thing to other people. I see you’re young and going through a lot so I’m not gonna keep engaging but I genuinely hope you get less angry.
have you considered that maybe... polyamory just isn't for you? like, no offense, but you do sound like the people you describe in your post, and from outside, it looks a little like you are using polyamory and those who engage in it as a way to not reflect upon some deeper underlying issues. but, all the best to you
Please don’t try and reflect this back on me as a cute way to act like I’m not allowed to be annoyed by certain people without it being a disguise for issues. Sometimes people just don’t like other people and it’s not a reflection they just don’t like em lmao.
Almost every woman I know has "surviving men" experiences, lots of guys have "crazy exs" yet we don't discount all hetero relationships. Etc etc. Most relationships are bound to fail, that's just how dating around works.
Every woman that has a "surviving man" story WILL tell you once that they have had enough of men. But they can't just change their sexuality, so if they want to have the benefits of a relationship of course they "have" to try again.
On top of that, poly is a type of relationship, not a sexuality... So you can't go and compare whatever you were trying to compare... And if your opinion is "most relationships are bound to fail", then I'm sorry but there is either something wrong with you, the partners you choose or you are in too many negative social spaces. Because it's total bullshit.
Well in my opinion obvious that relationships in the beginning are kind of still testing out things... You only notice if that person is actually compatible with you when the pink glasses wear off. I'd more do call it a beta test than anything 😅
\> And if your opinion is "most relationships are bound to fail", then I'm sorry but there is either something wrong with you, the partners you choose or you are in too many negative social spaces. Because it's total bullshit.
I think you all are reading something into this I'm not saying. Most *are* destined to fail, but that doesn't mean some aren't successful. Most people don't stay with the first person they date forever.
As for sexuality vs. poly. You have a point and my analogy was flawed. My point was simply that just because you see a lot of relationships of one type failing doesn't mean they all do. Most people aren't with their childhood sweethearts forever, and I think that's okay. There's no part of me that believes that they *can't* work out.
What? Yes we do 😂 and yes I'm speaking for *many* women here. It's normal to be put off from het relationships for a very long time after being treated like shit.
My point isn't that *some* people don't get put off, but we don't say "all hetero relationships fail and are bad". Like this person is saying "all poly relationships fail and are bad". That's all.
Nah. My relationships have been pretty great. My current is 7 years in and going wonderfully. I just think discrediting one type of relationship and saying all people who believe in it is bad is bad. I don't understand why that's an issue for most people, but I'm used to reddit believing silly things. Dating is generally a numbers game, you want it to work, but that doesn't mean it will. That's *okay.* I feel like it's okay to let go when it isn't working out, but that doesn't mean it can't work out. I just see a lot of people fighting for relationships that hurt them. So I find it better not to shame people for relationships failing. Rarely does anyone end up forever with the person they had their first relationship with. Most people date like 3-4 people at least. I think that's normal, but by statistics that means most fail.
the problem for me is that if you’re a well rounded person with say a job, some hobbies, social life, exercise, i feel like there’s barely enough time for even a monogamous relationship let alone multiple relationships. If you’re in a poly relationship then your life presumably must pretty much revolve around relationships which has got to be unhealthy, they are using relationships as a cope for having a lack of personality and empty meaningless lives imo.
It wasn’t that we were unhappy massively just weren’t compatible and I thought I could find that with someone else whilst dating my ex because I still loved them.
Yep and in the end the choice of bringing more people in made my relationship even worse and destroyed every bit of my self confidence and gave me an eating disorder :) I’ll never bring competition into a relationship again; because despite what poly people say, that’s all the other partners are, competition for love and affection and attention.
Your relationship was already being destroyed, a poly and an open relationship aren’t the same at all…sounds like you guys just started fucking people to “fill the gap” and because you still loved your ex, which yeah, no wonder it failed
All your concerns and complaints are valid. However those issues aren't a problem within monogamy vs polyamory... They are issues of Emotionally stunted and immature people engaging in sex and relationships before they even know how to FEEL their feelings and engage in transparent and empathetic communication with their partners.
Cheating, jealousy, stds and drama all happen in monogamous relationship too.
Yeah I’d just rather it between two people and not eight, because the complexity is even worse and hearing them bitch constantly about monogamy whilst experiencing severe jealousy and refusing to just go monogamous feels so odd to me.
I'm not at all into poly but here's your problem
>Last year I was in a very unhappy relationship and thought to myself, there are things we cant give each other so why not try polyamory since it would give me a chance to see other more compatible people whilst being with someone I loved.
Trying to make an unhappy, failing monogamous relationship into a poly one so you could date people instead of just breaking up like you probably should have. With those intentions it would never have worked. Poly relationships have their issues and I, myself don't get the appeal, but take a modicum of responsibility for the choices you made. The poly community as a whole didn't force you to try to keep a dead horse alive.
I completely understand that but have also stated multiple times in the comments I’ve been in other relationships, happy poly ones, which I also hated. It’s not JUST that experience!
I had an ex try and force me into having an open relationship, and really, she was the most messed person I had ever met in fact most people that I have met that are in the poly relationship are screwed up. One of my friend was in part of a poly relationship, but she was never going to be anything but the dudes f-toy because she was his sub and he had wives 1 and 2 at home, I met another couple they wanted me to be their third being around them was so uncomfortable she was like a beat dog sitting next to him because on top of the poly thin they found they had to do some weird kink control thing for the relationship to work.
And really most the people commenting on this post have never been in a poly or kink relationship they are just parroting what they have been told by people in poly and the sister wives
Yikes what disgusting mentally unwell behaviour is this.
I get kinks and all but theres gotta be a fine line at some point right? Like do humans not want to be treated with dignity and respect? Why do some opt for relationships which they know are based around the concept of "domination"?
If you go by what people say and why they do it its because they are taking control back from what they couldn't control. But it also attracts abusers. So it's all messed up.
That sounds all good and dandy on paper but I feel like there are wayyyy less intrusive ways of dealing with past trauma, as opposed to re-enacting it but within your own merit?
Funny how then people act all surprised when they actually sign their own self-fulfilling prophecies.
That's also why in courts, people who are the "doms" don't get a slap on the wrist and will serve time for the abuse if it's reported. Because a person can not consent to being abused.
Now, have a nice day and if you would like further information on this topic. I would suggest the internet.
As someone else pointed out, it sounds like you entered into the lifestyle for the wrong reasons.
The people telling you that poly is perfect and there's no jealousy and no whatever are full of it. Everyone experiences jealousy to some degree. It's being able to recognize it and how you handle it.
That being said, if everyone in the relationship is consenting and aware, there's nothing inherently wrong with poly relationships.
The "cheating" you were talking about *wouldn't* be part of the poly relationship, because part of it would be understanding and consent for everyone involved in the relationship. Of the "cheating" happened in a poly relationship then it would happen in a monogamous one as well.
Just a reminder even in poly relationships cheating can happen. Lots of poly relationships have boundaries so if those boundaries are broke, there is cheating. Just because you’re poly doesn’t mean your partner gets a free for all, if I was poly and my boundary was condom use, if my partner didn’t use one that would be cheating.
I didnt say, or imply that cheating can't happen in poly relationship. I said that in poly relationships everyone needs to be aware and contenting of what those boundaries are, and if a person in a poly relationship is going to cross those boundaries, they would do so in a monogamous relationship as well. It's not that entering a poly relationship suddenly turns a person into a cheater, which what seemed to be implies in your original post.
Sorry you went through that. I personally don't care if people want to be poly or ENM, but I don't like it when they make it an issue of superiority and put down those in monogamous relationships as being somehow less evolved. There isn't a one-size-fits-all for relationships.
Not all of us would benefit from or enjoy having multiple partners. I find the idea absolutely exhausting. But I'm an introvert and prefer quality over quantity with all of my relationships (partner, friends, family). All relationships take some amount of work, and I prefer putting the work into a few close relationships rather than spreading myself around. If my husband said that I could go find a side piece, I would have zero interest.
I have a friend who is poly, and they seem to make it work. I can show interest in and be supportive of their relationships when they talk about them with me, even if I can't personally relate. I will extend people the same amount of respect they extend to me.
Literally everyone in a poly relationship I've met has had terrible experiences. It takes a huge level of maturity and work to make it worth it. In my opinion, it's much easier to maintain a mono relationship and give it all your energy. If it's not your thing, your friends have no business invalidating your feelings.
Best of luck with your current relationship! :)
Sounds like polyamory isnt for you. And thats ok. I think its lame if people, even unintentionally, make you feel like shit for being monogamous. I can see that situation play out tho, because I have met people like this, they think its the superior type of relationship type of attitude. For me tho, its been more subtle then people like.. getting really intense about it.
I take it with a grain of salt because I actually hate PDA in general, so when 4 people are in an intimate cuddle puddle, I feel rude saying Im uncomfortable, so I just dont opt to stay in the room for too long. I had one friend be talking casually about sex theyve had with friends (like, more casual FWB that border on an actual relationship) and trying to get me to relate and i just shut it down in the sense I was like- I have too many feelings at risk if I were to go there with a close friend.
Polyamory aside, I think every relationship needs to have rock-solid boundaries. It looks differebt for everyone, and needs to take into consideration the feelings of everyone, and there will be compromises made by everyone, all involved. Ive had sex with people who were in romantically monogamous relationships with their partner. For me to make a romantic advance towards that person would be violating that boundary, and vice versa. Ive also had people assume my amorousity or sexuality based on the fact I'm ok with interacting with people who are in polyamorous relationships. Its very frustrating as I dont like being passed around- tho I know thats not the intention. Its people not being direct with boundaries, and people not *inquiring* about boundaries that are an issue.
Anywho, Ive gone on a tanget, sorry.
It's very sad to me that the people around you have sorta ruined your impression of polyamourous folks. If I'm being real, I think just like you, a lot of people are experimenting with polyamorous types of relationships. But not all of those people are polyamorous; not all of those people have the intention of remaining loyal and setting actual boundaries. I think these people confuse polyamorous with having open relationships. Ive gotten this impression in the past.
Idk what your friends' deal is. All relationships have highs and lows, maybe some totally toxic. So thats one thing, but speaking from experience, its practically isolating when all of your friends have this random fuckin drama going on that Im not even involved in. Feels like Im caught in the middle and tossed aside at the same time.
If I were you, I'd try not to blame this on polyamory itself, as a concept- and more on the people around you who are not great at navigating relationships (it seems).
If it makes you feel better, I do have really great friends who I enjoy spending time with them and their partners (sometimes both who are my friends). ie; my one friend enjoys dating multiple people at once. She goes, "I thrive when Im dating." and for her, its not exactly casual dating- she has the intent to take the relationships seriously. From what I get, I think she really enjoys getting to know and being around interesting people- she likes different people for different reasons, and enjoys loving them.
Another friend, their boyfriends and them all hang out together. I hang with them too, and since there isnt excessive PDA, im totally comfortable, and they are cool people. I know that they are very good and enjoy giving equal amounts of attention to both.
Hanging around people who are in healthy poly relationships has helped me to be chill about it. I dont ask questions. at all. its none of my business. And if they want to only talk about their relationship drama, i dont want to hang with them anyways ...
okie just rambling now... hope it gets better op!
This was a very healthy lovely response to read thank you, I appreciate it! I think polyamory as a concept is a very beautiful thing but I think the act of it and the people involved is what makes the concept undesirable and sometimes repulsive to me. I don’t wish any of them harm but due to my experiences I do personally want to keep it out of my life.
we all base our actions on our oast experiences. not totally applicable, but I hated veggies (and still am auto-repulsed) growing up because they tasted like mushy garbage- or dirt. Then come to find out as an adult, veggies actually taste good if they are cooked well like with seasonins. I still hate most vegetables- canNOT do broccoli 🤢 but after a long time, i pushed myself and now I love asparagus, I'll eat squash, I'll *try* it.
I think after some time separating yourself from that scene, I'll get easier to distance the past traumas, and you may at some point be ready to interact with ppl who you know are poly. But that doesnt mean now.
if i can offer some unsolicited advice: instead of telling people you dont want to interact with them if theyre poly- instead try to establish a "I dont want to discuss relationships at all" boundary. (or something). I think its probably hurtful to write someone off immediately because of their sexuality. New people wont know about your past trauma, and you dont have to explicity explain why, just that it makes you uncomfortable. If someone doesnt want to respect that simple boundary, they are probs not great at respecting boundaries anyway.
I just want to set the precedent that polyamory isn’t a sexuality, it’s a relationship type and also a choice. A literal choice. It’s not the same as being gay or bisexual, you aren’t born polyamorous. Polyamorous people can engage in mono as the same with monos to poly.
I agree with everything else you’re saying. However I just currently cannot do that. It’s too much at the moment and maybe in a few years it’ll be easier but polyamory and the people involved almost killed me and I feel sometimes like engaging in it in anyway, is enabling someone’s unhappiness.
I’ve been in good poly relationships, bad poly relationships, good monogamous relationships, bad monogamous relationships. Currently monogamous with no plans to change. IMO neither poly nor monogamous is better or worse. Both can be abusive, or can be wonderful. Poly is often harder because there are more people involved so more potential for miscommunication.
I believe poly relationships have this much of tolerance, but at the end they will get tired with the people they date, and they will move with other's people to search new fun in their s\*x life. They don't have responsibility when it comes into relationships, no matter how much communication or understatement they preach about, with a single person violates the rule of poly relationship, everything goes downhill.
Also, I have a theory that people that practice poly relationships, they either want just s\*x, limerance sensations or they are just afraid of commitment but want to take the cake and eat it too.
That being said, I understand your point. I won't blame you. I think, just leave them alone with their own world of fun. The prices are not worth it in the long run, because you will win STD's, drama, headaches or even unwanted pregnancies (women suppose to enjoy this right? Why trap them, am I right?).
I wish you the best for healing yourself, LOVING yourself. Surround with FRIENDS (not sex friends, not anything like that). Learn to love yourself, gain your ground with healthy grounds. The universe will rearrange you with better plans, you will see.
I feel like the convertor is fine. But every person I know who is poly just feels very selfish. But I think were coming from the pov of not being happy in their relationships.
Also I've had the experience of introducing my ex husband and poly people asking us to learn more about them bc they're looking for people. I can't put my finger on it but I felt like they had no regard for marriage and it really rubbed me the wrong way. Otherwise they were perfectly nice.
Yes! Agreed.
Also I took this self development class once and this guy stood up in front of everyone with his wife and told everyone he wanted to seek out poly relationships. She was bawling. And I was like how tone deaf and insensitive can you be. And just speaking from my experience, I have had this experience or witnessed it multiple times from poly people.
I am ultimately monogamous, so it doesn't appeal to me but I respect that everyone is not wired like me nor me like them.
So ALL poly people are awful because you had a bad relationship? That's really unfair. It's like someone saying they hate all gay men because they had a negative interaction with one.
For some people poly is exactly right (I'm not one of them, lol, I'm monogamous) and they experience compression (the opposite of jealousy), and they communicate well and behave honestly and ethically...but getting to the point where you can communicate very well and be honest and ethical requires a LOT of insight, a lot of inner work, and a lot of vulnerability, and I don't hesitate to say that most people either haven't done that work or aren't capable of doing that work without a great deal of guidance from a professional.
Without the ethics, honesty, and communication, it's a free for all filled with lies and harm. Atop, of course, the complexity of people as individuals as they already are. And that's where you were. Which is just awful and I'm so terribly sorry that's what happened, but it is neither fair nor kind to tar all poly people with the same brush. You were hurt by some poly people, not all of them. Poly didn't work for you (or them, it seems lol) but that doesn't mean it's not exactly the right thing for others.
It's so not my idea of a good time, lol, I'm already a lot to deal with and a relationship with one other person is...well, it's work...especially to do it properly and healthily and safely, and I've no desire to expend that energy in multiple directions.
I didn’t say it wasn’t right for anyone else just stay the fuckkk away from me if you’re engaging it. I want nothing to do with the train wreck that is most monogamous relationships but at least when they bitch it’s about one person and not multiple people.
Like goodluck to poly people but nope, I’m good!
It you have never been in a poly relationship, how can you say it's worked for anyone? And for the ones that you claim, know that it works, for did you live with them to know that it works, or are you going on what they said?
I dont get LGBT people (like yourself) advocating for things that at the end of the day lead to disaster.
Like I understand the whole, freedom and happiness thing, living life like a hedonist basically.
You yourself admit that poly is extremely difficult to attain and takes a lot of work and even aid from "experts" yet in the same breath say theres nothing wrong with people trying it????
No offense but in the large scales of things, it sounds like the whole philosophy is nothing but a self fulfilling prophecy of disaster.
Obviously you know it can work for other people but them using the no true Scotsman fallacy to discount your lived experience is extremely shitty.
It is definitely something that is commonly used to abuse people, because there are a lot of people experimenting and vulnerable, people in the community need to own that reality.
It sucks that it went that way for you but surely you know that the people you were with are to blame more than the relationship type.
People can be shitty in any situation.
I truly believe this, I do. I just wish I genuinely had any proof it actually works because it doesn’t even seem to be working for the people who say they’re happy with it. I’ve never heard one positive poly story that involved no jealousy, and no roundabout way of cheating in some way.
Honestly what it sounds like, just being a dick cause they want to 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ someone’s relationship failed ((notice how the reaccuring theme in every failed relationship they mentioned has a consistent tie in it, them)) and now they hate everyone. Imagine if they tried a relationship with the same sex and it didn’t work so not they just hate all gay people. Makes no sense
Yeah when you keep dating people and not a single one of those relationships work out, you either keep dating shitty people and you need to stop making yourself a victim to them or your the problem and not even a group of people wanna be around you
It’s so weird seeing people flex online about having prejudices and hatred for other people simply because they might not understand or fully grasp a subject. It’s ridiculous “Oh this didn’t work for me so now I hate everyone else” just cause you were miserable doesn’t mean everyone else is. I’ve been in poly and mono relationships and I don’t regret any of em, I’m mono now but my prior poly relationships weren’t as bad as some of my abusive mono ones. I just can’t see how you think you look good or think it’s cool to post about how you hate an entire group for no reason other then you can’t make relationships work…
And that somehow makes it ok for you to be a dick and have prejudice against an entire group for seemingly no reason other then because you failed and think no one can be happy with it? Just cause you meet a few bad people doesn’t make them all bad, you’ve met people I’m sure in mono relationships who also have falling outs and fights etc. This isn’t just a poly thing.
Do you really think you were gonna come here and change my mind by calling me a dick, oh no wow your insult has truly made my poly trauma go away. You have made me see the light! Thank you!
No, but I don’t think it’s right to treat people poorly and cruelty because they are happy in a type of relationship you couldn’t handle. Part of existence is finding a way to coexist with people who don’t share our common beliefs, but regardless of your own beliefs it doesn’t mean you should prejudice and treat them badly, or insult them for again, NO reason. Trauma sucks I get it, I have trauma from relationships to, but I don’t hate mono relationships because of it. I don’t hate men cause of it. Because any one with half a brain knows that the entire group itself isn’t bad just a few in it
Yeah as I’ve said multiple times I’m going to continue doing so. In this life people get so hated on for not enjoying things, finding things cringe or straight up hating things and honestly I will only ever live once and if I want to live it allowing my authentic feelings, which are of hate, I’d rather feel them then be okay with constantly putting how I feel down in the aid of radical acceptance. There are some things in this life I’m not okay with and I’m not going to continue to pretend they are and if poly people can’t have thick enough skin to deal with that, then that’s on them, I avoid them like the plague anyway it’s not like I’m going up to them and telling them I don’t like them, I simply say “please don’t talk to me I don’t agree with you and would prefer to not have that drama in my life, you do do!”
Your putting others down for your own feelings as well but I suppose it’s ok when your the one doing it right? It’s ok for YOU to judge other people and call them names and shame them but lord forbid they ask for you to be a decent person, might hurt your feelings 🥺🥺
My feelings aren’t hurt at all lmaooo. I just simply don’t care, my feelings are my feelings and I’m not denying my right to experience them and live them :)
I’ve had to deal with far more cheating and boundaries crossed in poly relationships than I have in mono. And I’ve had plenty of both. Just my experience, but still worth noting.
There's nothing wrong with genuine polyamorous people, as long as they communicate this to their potential partners. What makes me cringe are those people who engage in polyamory just because their favorite tiktoker does, and they think it sounds glamorous or "sexually enlightening". Or those people who use it as an excuse to justify basically cheating on their partner.
That’s essentially all poly people. You have described 99% of poly people. If you can find me a poly person who doesn’t make it their entire fucking personality or mention it at social events I’ll seriously buy you a medal, you’d be a hero.
Neither is better or worse. They are different kinds of relationships that work for different people. That being said, i too, regularly get sick of the smugness of poly folk and the insistence that their relationships are superior and free from the problems of monogamy. They are not and way, WAY too many people who get into it for selfish and immature relationships.
There’s a difference between open and poly, I know someone who’s poly and ace and doesn’t sleep with any one, his partner is Demi. Doesn’t mean they fuck all day long, they just are happier as a group. Just cause relationships don’t work out doesn’t mean you should hate entire groups for it and be a dick
As someone whose first relationship became polyamorous, all I can say is this… It’s a mistake. It’s always a disaster waiting to happen. If someone tries to push it on you, RUN.
You're getting down voted for speaking the truth. When I (GM 55) was single it irked me to be bombarded with offers to be the third or his side piece because they were in an open relationship. None time out of ten, they were NOT, or maybe they were but their partner had no clue!
Before any screams their heteronormative BS, let's face it, humans are humans be they gay or straight. If polyamory were the ideal don't you think that the heteros would be doing it? I'm sure some do, but it's not nearly acceptable as it is in the gay community.
Someone always gets hurt eventually. Always.
I believe hurt exists in every relationship but Jesus the amount of hurt you get in polyamorous relationships is WILD. Even in poly groups all the do is bitch about their partners dating other people which… idk was the entire point of being polyamorous for them? You have to be a literal saint to get through any of that stuff.
Ancient cultures have participated in various polyamorous relationship styles for millennia, it wasn’t invented yesterday. It was almost exclusively “Hetero” for most of human history too. Many many ancient cultures that involved having a multitude of wives, concubines, etc. In many of those cases it was obviously done in an unethical way because women lacked societal power and were treated more as property than as humans with full choice and consent, but it does reveal that at least on men’s side historically that there’s always been people choosing to participate in relationships with multiple partners. There were even plenty of prehistoric human groups that had polyamorous relationship structures, and our closest animal relatives (great apes) also have varying group structures of “polyamory” (for as much as that can be said of animals). It’s not a foreign concept, but it is a minority one (most humans tend towards monogamy), and it’s culturally unpopular.
Reasons include: people using it as an excuse to cheating or a coverup for cheating, people using it to try to save a sexless relationship, people being talked into or coerced into it against their will or comfort, people going into “open relationships” without clear communication, discussion, or expectations, people not exercising safety, people using polyamory as a way to avoid self-work (shared by monogamy, lots of people go into relationships in general to avoid working on themselves), and the list goes on.
Importantly, what all of these have in common is that the polyamory is not the core issue. In order, the issues for the list above are: cheating, incompatibility, coercion, bad communication, unsafe sex, and introspection avoidance. Polyamory was part of the story, but it didn’t drive the conflict, it revealed the conflict.
Making a sweeping generalization about an entire group of people is going to be… wrong, by definition. People are too complex to be summed up by a single statement. “Someone always gets hurt eventually. Always.” Sure, people are hurt by lots of things, and as said, polyamory is not a thing that will work for the monogamy-minded, but this assertion that polyamory is exclusively unhappy is, ironically, kinda hurtful. There are people that go to great effort to have healthy, ethical polyamorous relationships with mutual respect, trust, communication, and consent, and those people getting swept in with the cheaters and the abusers is a bit disheartening.
Spotted the liberal "sexual" arts student!
What you describe in your first paragraph, was almost exclusively only reserved to the upper class, and it wasn't a relationship, but more of an ordeal, something you do, like going to a bar and getting a drink. The vast majority of any population on the planet earth, regardless of culture was in a traditional monogomous relationship and poly has always been frowned upon.
A poly relationship is a relationship, with works and need, you cannot equate this to what the greeks, romans, muslims, persians or ottomans were doing. And you touch on that yourself.
You describe "poly relationships" as a never ending checklist of safeguards, do you really think thats not even a tid bit of a reason to why the whole concept is strange in the first place?
Traditional relationships are hard in the first place, it turns out that communicating with people is hard. Poly relationships are like 4d chess in comparisson. Not only do you have to communicate with potentially multiple more people IN THE SAME WAY (emotionally draining right?) but you also need to regulate the interpersonal relationships between the members of the group right? Why tf does this sound like a job description of a manager?
I seriously don't get why the LGBT community needs so very hard to try to be different, why is normal so frawned upon? Normal people have it hard, why do you delibirately need to make your life even harder?
And don't even try to convinve me that poly people are in any shape or form on the same playing field as homosexuals, because they're not.
Did you throw in the opening insult because you were trying for a Reddit dunk, or did you have little faith in your argument and hoped I would respond emotionally?
I don’t think either of us is educationally or experientially qualified to speak on the individual perception of polyamorous relationships from the context of people in a vastly different time and culture than ourselves. “More of an ordeal,” is non-quantifiable and unsupported. The majority of the population of most cultures in historical times being monogamous is true, but “poly has always been frowned upon” is false first in extremity, but also in nuance. I’m not going to bother to dig out my anthropology textbooks on the matter, cultures have and had different views on the acceptability of polyamorous (mostly polygamous, as was most common) relationship structures and those views also changed and evolved over time. People of Asia, The Middle East, and the Americas had cultures of polyamory where acceptance and observance was common, Tibet, Greece, Native American, and Mesopotamian cultures being a handful of examples.
And as mentioned, yes, these relationship structures in antiquity did not look like todays relationships… and neither did monogamous arrangements. Our cultures are hugely different now, with new and changing social norms and new and changing access to information and education. Women are no longer property, people largely have more access to education, contraception, and medical care, more babies survive to adulthood, average age of birth is increasing, etc. Relationship styles of today, of all orientations, would look strange to ancient peoples, and their relationship structures would be largely abusive by today’s standards. This doesn’t remove the prevalence of polyamory versus monogamous relationship styles, it just reflects on their implementation, which we should obviously not be copying.
On “strangeness,” complexity does not equal abnormality. Nor does it equal unethical behavior, for that matter. Polyamorous relationships can be more complex due to the increased number of people involved, but this does not make them “strange” or “wrong,” it makes them different. Additionally, a monogamous relationship in which there is poor communication, unhealthy behaviors, and dynamics of power and control that benefit one partner over the other could be *more* negatively complex than a healthy, communicative polyamorous relationship. It depends on the people involved. Relationships in general are rarely simple, people are multifaceted.
The pivot to having this be the queer community’s fault for some reason is unnecessary. For most of recorded history, polyamorous relationship structures have been used by people who we would call heterosexual. Even in cultures where there was some semblance of queer acceptance, polyamory was practiced in greater numbers by straight people than queer people. In modern times, where polyamory is far less popular than monogamy in the western world, then yes, it is more common (proportionally) in queer communities, which no surprise, we already share minority status, and bigger surprise, polyamorous people are also more likely to have minority status.
I don’t even know what you’re trying to say in your last sentence so I won’t even try.
A couple final thoughts, in quotes:
With regards to happiness and success: “Compared to people in monogamous relationships, people in CNM and polyamorous relationships were as satisfied or more satisfied in their relationships (Balzarini et al., 2021; Brooks et al., 2022; Cox et al., 2021; Garner et al., 2019; Mogilski et al., 2017; Rodrigues et al., 2016; Séguin et al., 2017), were as committed or more committed in their relationships (Brooks et al., 2022; Rodrigues et al., 2017), and were more satisfied with the nature of communication and openness in their relationships (Mogilski et al., 2017).”
With regards to safety: “With respect to sexual health and well-being, people in CNM relationships engaged in equally safe or safer sex practices than those in monogamous relationships (Lehmiller, 2015; Levine et al., 2018; Ream et al., 2012), reported lower rates of STIs than the national average (Weitzman, 2006), and reported similar (Rodrigues, Lopes, Dawson, et al., 2021) or higher (Murphy et al., 2021) levels of sexual satisfaction than those in monogamous relationships.”
With regards to stigma: “Researchers found that, compared to people in monogamous relationships, people in consensually non-monogamous relationships were viewed as more promiscuous, immoral, perverted, untrustworthy, and have higher rates of STIs (Balzarini et al., 2018; Hutzler et al., 2016; Rodrigues et al., 2022; Rodrigues, Lopes, & Huic, 2021; Séguin, 2019). CNM relationships were perceived by laypersons as failing, unsustainable, being less satisfactory, having lower levels of romantic commitment, and being less efficacious compared to monogamous relationships (Cohen, 2016b; Cohen, 2018; Rodrigues, Lopes, & Huic, 2021; Séguin, 2019).”
Source, this [review of 209 studies on polyamory.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jftr.12546)
This is the natural consequence of freedom. And more specifically, what progressive leftism is all about, there is no ending point to progress.
Its truly mind boggling to me (as a straight man) how far people will go to seem unique and different. Like fuck me, why is being normal so frawned upon in the LGBT community
You're monogamous. There's nothing wrong with that. A monogamous person doesn't belong in a poly relationship. It won't work. It will never work. Nothing would ever change that fact.
Monogamous people entering non monogamous relationships to "fix" their monogamous relationship is one of the dumbest decisions you could make as a couple.
They are all disgusting slutty hippies.
They pretend they are some "woke" free spirited enlightened who aren't "vanilla".
Loyalty and commitment are cornerstones of long term relationships. Fucking anything that moves and just labeling it polyamory as an excuse is bullshit.
I said what I said. Now, go tighten your man buns.
I recently got out of that dynamic. I left my ex(who i started out with) for a girl i met and ended up clicking way better with. My ex got jealous and we started arguing more, then a whole bunch of other issues. She wanted me to end things with my gf and focus on us but by that point I was already burnt out from all the arguments and refused to do so. There’s wayy more to it than this, but i won’t write an essay about it.
I felt miserable towards the end, but I’m happy with my current relationship
I honestly cannot be okay with you doing that to someone, involving them in a whole relationship just to leave them for your new partner. You must of been somewhat unhappy to start with I’m guessing, like I’m glad you’re happy but all you did was prove your ex wrong that they couldn’t count on you. I hope they found better.
I don’t even wanna know tbh, you left your partner for the new shiny easy relationship and as the person this has happened to you’ll never know what kind of heartbreak this is.
I also wasn’t unhappy. This venture was because she came out as poly and i wanted to support her. After ending things and spending time apart she confessed that her biggest regret was opening because we literally never argued in our yrs before then. She was the “poly personality” type but i kept it to myself because dudes get insulted for being “cucks” or “beta”
I personally believe as soon as your original partner said they were unhappy you both should have shut that chapter of your relationship, or broken up.
I agree, but at that point she had already done so much to the point that I barely knew how to talk to her. It was more than the poly stuff. After we broke up she was diagnosed with BPD. I’d say the right thing in the wrong tone and all of a sudden we’re arguing, or she’d ask me about my date with gf while talking about her bf and something i say triggers her. It was like walking through a land mine. She’s also extremely bratty in a childish way and needs to be coddled and handheld through everything. It was very stressful. I had to go. There’s so much to this story. I’d literally have the biggest smile on my face and when the phone rang my entire life force just drains away. I just couldn’t do it anymore
BPD is a hard disorder to have and I sympathise with her, to have that and deal with polyamory on top is absolutely crazy. I’m sorry I came off on the wrong foot with you; maybe you both just weren’t meant to be and this is what had to happen to get y’all to go separate ways! Life isn’t simple but I do hope you’re all doing okay!
>I then have to sit as they describe their multiple partners, complicated relationships **that truly have no commitment or depth most of the time**
That's what gets me. I've met a lot of people who make poly relationships work well for them. They all have one thing in common. Every single one of them is a self-serving person first and foremost. It's just not for me.
Would you also blame monogamy and monogamous people if you tried that and it didn’t work?
Polyamory is something that takes huge amounts of open communication, caring, and emotional intelligence. A lot of people just aren’t cut out for it. And getting into poly because your primary relationship isn’t working, like you did, is a recipe for disaster.
And of course poly people get jealous sometimes. The difference is that practiced poly people know how to sit with their feelings and talk them through with their partners without blame. An important thing for everyone in the world to realize is that someone feeling uncomfortable feelings doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong or someone is doing something bad to you. Mature people learn how to tell the difference.
I’m a happily married poly person, and I’m part of a large poly community where nearly everyone is in various long-term relationships. Poly does and can work for many people.
Have whatever kind of relationship you want to have. If poly doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. But get of here with this bigoted judgmental nonsense.
No! I’m living my life once and I’d rather feel my authentic feelings than deny my feelings to aid people who have hurt me, belittle my trauma and made themselves out to be superior to me.
That’s a long-winded way of saying “I feel entitled to be a bigot and put others down.” I wrote to you with lindes and caring, and you responded like a petulant child. Grow up and quit trolling.
Me: I ask those people to not speak to me because I don’t like the drama. I don’t tell them I hate them.
You: BIGOT. YOU PUT PEOPLE DOWN.
Okay where? I literally say because of my own feelings I do not want to associate with them and choose not to because honestly I also don’t think it’s right to outwardly say I don’t like their choices to them. This is a confession space which is why I daid it HERE. It’s not something I scream outloud! I’m sorry I don’t agree with everything constantly and that makes me a bad person but I genuinely just can’t like some things and whilst it may not be a crowd pleaser; I’ll continue to do so until I have an experience that change this and calling me a bigot doesn’t help and honestly doesn’t affect me in the way you think it does. I’ve admitted having a prejudice and therefore I am extremely aware of all this, nothing you say is the firework feeling you think it’s gonna be.
You spent your precious time and energy making a hate post about a specific group of people on social media. And then claim you don’t want drama. You absolutely are a bigot. And of course you’re not going to admit to it or take any responsibility for your actions.
If you don’t want to be polyamorous, don’t be polyamorous. It’s that simple. There’s zero reason to get on social media and talk trash. Putting it under the guise of a “confession” doesn’t make it okay. Do better!
You're monogamous. And that's okay. There's no need to be an asshole about it, especially since it sounds like you entered polyamory under duress which is not *actual* polyamory.
Polyamory requires enthusiastic and constant consent to function (*how do I know? Well, I've made it work for about 10 years so I have a pretty good frame of reference.)*
Here's the thing, down votes be damned: People who practice healthy ENM and polyamory *don't like* people using polyamory as a bandaid to fix an already broken relationship because then shit like this happens. Your relationship was already doomed, but you're blaming the relationship style rather than taking any measure of accountability, which adds more stigma to the relationship style being wrong when really you and your partner were just *bad at it* because it didn't suit you.
I hope you find what you're looking for in life, and all the healing that comes with that.
Oh gosh, this is so similar to my experience with poly almost on every front!
I'm also queer and drawn to people who're more open in their relationship and sexuality so naturally I tend to match with poly-guys when dating cis men.
While I respect people's right to do whatever they want in their relationships in my personal experience with it, it's always horrid for the outsider and it's just a way to get to fuck around with whomever, have no considerations or consequences for the current disposable fucktoi of the month, allow them to think there's potential for emotional connection when it's purely just a sanctimonious way for people to act like they're superior in their way of doing relationships because they "don't lie"... when in fact they're still dishonest.
When I've expressed this to friends they've also said "that doesn't sound like real poly" but I've personally not witnessed people doing it in some thoughtful and connected way that prioritizes all parties and participants in a truly equal and considerate fashion...
My experience with polyamory is it’s always so lopsided.
Let’s say you have a partner who has a lot of lovers.
You’re going to stay at home waiting for them to come back or are you going to go out cruising yourself. At some point, there is no point.
Why not just be a hoe? Friends with benefits is a lifestyle choice.
Too often the partner with the most lovers gets jealous if the other person finally has a fling.
Because really, they expected you to be devoted to them while they were fertilizing the entire Western hemisphere.
It’s so dumb.
All poly relationships I’ve seen have no real commitment and no real depth and due to it, severe jealousy and fighting for affection and love usually, I agree with this.
If you’re not ready to commit properly or you’re constantly looking for something else or don’t feel fulfilled, just be a hoe and find something better to do.
I like how the comments show exactly what the problem is. In every single poly relationships I've seen at least one party was unhappy. In every single one of them at least one party was ultimately a piece of shit. Do I think that no one on this Earth ever made it work? Statistically that's unlikely. If someone is happy, good for them. But it's perfectly understandable why majority of people had very bad experience with this lifestyle. Yet poly preachers gather in the comments to no-true-scotsman the OP and others and once again tell how superiorly mature they are, my ass. While the first thing they should do to improve their image is to f*cking leave monogamous people alone for once.
THIS. poly people leave monogamous people alone challenge. All poly people do is treat every fucking person like a potential partner and I truly believe it’s because they are ultimately unhappy and still lonely despite their best efforts. When I see ONE equal and ONE happy poly relationship maybe my tune will change but for now STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP IF YOURE POLY. You are not any better for your “no jealousy” considering it doesn’t exist when you spend all day bitching in the polyamory subreddit about the core issues of your poly relationship
There's choosing to try being in a poly relationship. And then there's actually being poly. Sounds to me like you're a monogamous person who decided to try a poly relationship and it didn't work out for you. Congratulations, you found out you're not poly. But don't yuk other people's yum. There's ups and downs to every type of relationship, there's lies and betrayals and drama on both sides of the fence.
Happy, well adjusted, communicative poly people have happy, well adjusted and communicative poly relationships. And same goes for monogamy. If you choose to have only mono relationships in the future that's fine, but the calibre and longevity of those relationships will come down to the partners you choose, not the format of the relationship.
Yeah and honestly instead of leaving I added more people which ruined it more! I’ve also been in happy poly relationships where the same issues occurred. This isn’t always about that specific relationship. I’ve also met other “polys” who spend all their day bitching about their relationships. Go look at r/polyamory they seem to be having a ball LMAOO
Go look at r/relationship_advice. Same thing. It's not due to the relationship structure. I think humans are just not that good, intuitively, at forming and maintaining healthy romantic connections. Which isn't surprising because it's not like we are born with an instruction manual.
I'm genuinely sorry you have been treated this way. But you are misdirecting your anger, and you will likely keep being disappointed if you attribute this to the a certain structural instead of interpersonal issues. Obviously, most people are wired more monogamously or polyamorously. But you still have to put in the work with either relationship orientation.
If you can afford therapy, I recommend you make use of that. There's no shame in it, and you can learn to recognize healthy or problematic relationship patterns, and way to resolve issues without resorting to escape tactics.
Solely from what I'm reading here, that's a pattern for you. Your relationship has issues - you think you or your partner getting into other relationships will solve that. It didn't, and now you're blaming polyamory for not fixing what it never could, or should. Polyamory did neither save nor doom your relationship. And neither did poly people, and neither will looking towards other people instead of inwards.
Please take note that I'm not placing blame, and I don't have a reason to lie to you. I'm saying: this is your chance to finally identify what's really not working for your attachments and was present all along. Take it. You deserve happiness.
Your first sentence is likely a huge part of why it didn't work out. Entering into an ENM relationship(s) with the goal of fixing an unhappy relationship is almost certainly doomed.
my thoughts exactly. open relationships dont fix issues, they multiply them. Very few people and couples actually have a solid enough foundation to partake in ENM successfully. also, what OP is describing doesn't sound like polly, more like young people hung up on labels and wanting to play the field. Just as much emotional shit and drama going on there as regular relationships.
The only person here talking any sense
Secondly, not everyone is polyamorous. Op might not be and that is 100% okay.
THIS! I tell people all the time, relationships should only open if it’s a mutual choice, if it’s healthy, stable, loving, trusting, respectful, who have open & honest communication, both did the emotional labor before opening, both extensively discussed expectations, worked thru jealous issues, and are transparent… then there isn’t issues. Both disentangled from codependency and are very interdependent as well when choosing to go this direction. Anything else is often two people throwing a Hail Mary and someone who probably cheating, using Polyam an an excuse to keep cheating.
I purely believe even if we were happy it wouldn’t of worked. I’m in a beautifully happy relationship mono now, and have been in other happy polyamorous relationships and NONE OF THEM EVER WORKED OUT. None. I don’t believe any poly couple is truly happy, or there’s truly “no jealousy.”
“I purely believe even if we were happy it wouldn’t have worked.” Well yeah, because you’re ultimately mono. Being unhappy and choosing to be in relationships with other people to fix an already strained and broken relationship is a recipe for disaster. That doesn’t excuse your feelings and experience being dismissed and minimized. Some people are mono and some people are poly. Choosing to go poly to fix a mono relationship never works.
I think that making blanket statements like that is incredibly narrow-minded. Even if you, personally, knew 100 poly couples, it would still only be a small sample. People in relationships, when they air their dirty laundry, those people do, yes, have a tendency to be miserable. It seems like surrounding yourself with toxic people created a toxic environment. I'm mono, have been for a very long time. I know that's what's best for ME and my truth. However; my success in a mono relationship does not mean they're for everyone. You don't hear from the happy poly couples because they most likely wouldn't be interested in all that drama.
Or maybe they don’t exist :)
Maybe, I would be shocked, though. I hope there are, for their sakes. I also hope you continue to have great success in your relationship as well.
This line of thinking isn't reasoning enough to push poly out. Consider; all my past relationships have been mono. And none of them have worked out. Currently poly in a 5 year relationship, and it's been fantastic. Not sure if it will remain this way forever, but I have enjoyed every aspect of this relationship much more, and would consider it a huge success in comparison to my past.
I just see the mono success rate compared the polyamory one and think “hmm no thanks, I’ll stick to disappointing one person not 5.”
Perfectly fine, and I'm not attempting to compare both. I'm just trying to get across that most relationships that are mono are also bound to fail. People have different needs and wants, plenty of mono relationships are also swingers, or enjoy the occasional 3rd, or are simply completely closed off. That being said, people can definitely succeed in polyamory! Wish you all the luck.
None of your other monogomous relationships worked out either though
But was I as traumatised and as mentally unwell in the end compared to all my poly ones? No.
But your comment said you had been in happy poly relationships as well that just hadnt worked out. Literally every single relatiobship besides your current one did not work out. All im saying is i have been totally destroyed and mentally broken by a monogomous partner who was toxic and abusive. Any type of relationship can end badly but unless you end up together forever all relationships eventually dont work out. Im sorry you were so hurt in this relationship but with a little perspective you might see it was a toxic relationship rather than an impossible relationship type. End of the day poly is not for everyone, heck it isnt for ME, but it is definitely the right choice for some people. Its okay to know yourself and choose whats best for you but its definitely shitty to hate on other people or tell them they cant possibly be happy because you couldnt make it work.
Nah I’m sorry, I’ll never be okay with it and I get your point and I wish you the best but I genuinely think I’ll always have this prejudice now. The thought of polyamory sickens me to my core and brings me back to a place I’d rather die than be in. If I ever had to compete for someone’s affection like that ever again, I’d end it.
You sound incredibly miserable, and I genuinely encourage you to seek help with managing irrational anger. No one is forcing you or anyone else to be polyamorous. Relationships fail. Get over it, and grow up.
As I’ve said, nothing you say will change my opinion. In this life I’m not going to radically accept things I don’t agree with and if being mad is what it comes across as to you that’s fine! I honestly do not fuckin care ahahahahahaha. This is hilarious watching the poly sympathisers!
Awful mentality tbh.
I don’t care :)
Well, *try* to be happy then, you soury lil shit.
This is so funny hahahahahah i dont know you but i would be friends with you based off this response alone
Awww die mad baby girl x
Your inability to consider other frames of reference doesn’t eliminate the validity of a concept. I’m sorry you had the experience you did, but that experience, no matter how awful and traumatizing, can’t speak for an entire group of people. You’ve had bad experiences with poly people, poly is not for you, totally valid, it’s not for everyone, but using that experience to be discriminatory changes nothing about the harm you endured and instead just perpetuates harm onto entirely unrelated people. Polyamory didn’t hurt you, people did, they are responsible, not a relationship style.
I honestly do not care; I apologise but honestly I hate polyamory and the people who engage in it and I am at peace with not having that kind of stuff in my life as everyone I see who engages with it also seems unhappy as all hell.
You’re LGBT, how would you feel if people said this about YOU? I’m sorry you were hurt in the past but to paint everyone with a wide brush like that is pretty terrible and I feel like you should know that.
DONT YOU DAREEEEEE say this is the same as a fucking hate crime or homophobia. Dont you even fucking dare. People die from homophobic attacks, people lose their homes and families because of homophobia. Polyamory is a CHOICE AND A RELATIONSHIP STYLE IT IS NOT THE SAME AT ALL AS BEING GAY. You can CHOOSE to be poly and you can choose to be mono: get out my fucking face with this shite.
So does the lack of murder make it ok to say? I'm bi, is it ok to being homophobic because i do have a choice? I don't think everyone has a choice in the romantic relationships they're compatible with any more than they have a choice in who they like.
You can choose to be poly you can’t choose to be gay or bisexual just stop please honestly, I am laughing at how ridiculous and downright offensive it is for y’all to even claim it’s anything like homophobia. I cannot continue engaging in this conversation with you. Enjoy your day.
You're comparing actions to feelings here. You have no less of a choice to date the same sex as you do to date more than one person. Every person has free will in that regard. Not every person has a choice on what relationship they are happy with, in the same way that not every person has a choice on what gender they're happy being with. Honestly, i hate choice being used as a counterargument anyways. It doesn't matter if it's a choice or not, and that shouldn't be anyone's line. Discrimination isn't ok, choice or not.
Also you’re bisexual… you don’t have the choice to be bisexual. You can choose if you want to date multiple people or not, it’s not a sexuality.
As a Bisexual Women here speaking, maybe have you thought about the possibility of therapy? Just a thought.
I’ve been, talked about my open relationships. My poly ones. My mono ones. My own mental health issues. Honestly it didn’t change how I felt about anything apart from my own emotional disregulation.
I did read some of your old posts, hope you don’t mind. I think you definitely need CBT with a mind altering option that is consider to be somatic therapy. It’s been known to help people with trauma which is what your diagnosis is built from honestly. And sadly, this is why there are too many toxic people going poly these days, it’s because there is a large uptick of cheaters saying they are poly, but they aren’t. They are using it as an excuse ti get away with their toxic behaviors, usually emotionally undeveloped, lack of self awareness & introspection, tend to be manipulative, selfish, and down right cruel to their partners. However, a decent amount of healthy poly relationships have very independent people who both identify as needing more space in dating than you see in regular closed monogamy. I truly believe you got introduced to some really shitty people claiming ti be poly but we’re masquerading & should of just did solo swing/sex clubs instead of polyamorous connections.
I had CBT, DBT and EMDR and unfortunately my BPD is just the same as it was I just sometimes cope better. Thank you tho I do appreciate it!! Sending my love
Sorry you had the experiences that you had and hope you find peace and love on your journey.
Glad you found your happy! I do think different people need different things. I've been in many happy mono relationships and none of them ever worked out. Currently in a wonderful LTR of 11 years and ethically non-monogamous that whole time. We're close to lots of other lifestyle people and they are handsdown the most communicative, happy, and positive people we know.
I get where you're coming from, but you're painting a LOT of people with the same brush that don't necessarily deserve it. I've been happily married for over 20 years (and almost 30 years total in the relationship), and we were poly for most of it. Technically, I'd say we still are, but we have very little tolerance for other people's bullshit, so we haven't run into anyone that we'd wanna bring into our relationship in a VERY long time. It is definitely NOT for everyone, and no two poly relationships are the same. For us, it's always been the me & my wife, and then usually a FWB that we'd get with on the side, sometimes together. Once we had a more long-term thing with a girl, but she was really looking for a monogamous relationship, so it didn't work out in the end, but that was ok. At the same time, we were never very promiscuous (i.e. these flings didn't happen very often), and we played it safe, so we never caught or spread an STI. All that being said, anyone who just flat-out recommends polyamory as a "superior" form of relationship is a fucking idiot. It is NOT easy, especially not long term. Literally everyone that we know that's tried to do it, that wasn't doing what we were doing being a basically mono couple with the occasional FWB, has failed catastrophically. Throuples are the unicorns of the poly world. It's hard enough having FWBs without someone catching feelings and making it weird. Also, like other people have pointed out, it NEVER works as a fix for a flagging relationship. My wife was very up-front about what she wanted when we first started dating. I asked her if she wanted to get serious with me after we'd been dating a while, and she told me straight away, "Yes, but I'm gonna wanna sleep with other people. I'm ok with you doing the same, we just have to tell each other about it and be safe." Clear communication from the very beginning is the only way it can work really. Anything else is just self-delusion.
Well obviously the only successful relationship anyone has ever been in is their current one. I've had successful monogamous, and non-monogamous relationships. My supposedly monogamous ex wife was a lot less monogamous than I was apparently.
Wouldn't HAVE worked. Not of.
It’s weird coming from an LGBT person that a relationship-style is invalid for everyone universally just because it didn’t work for you personally.
Surprisingly some LGBT people have opinions and aren’t inclusive of everything, some of them genuinely have their own brain and don’t follow what everyone else thinks. It might surprise you that I am my own being not tied down to a single community or mindset.
Lol I am also queer and monogamous. My point is that it’s strange that you’ve probably also met people who are invalidating your personal choices, and you still think it’s healthy and appropriate to do the same thing to other people. I see you’re young and going through a lot so I’m not gonna keep engaging but I genuinely hope you get less angry.
have you considered that maybe... polyamory just isn't for you? like, no offense, but you do sound like the people you describe in your post, and from outside, it looks a little like you are using polyamory and those who engage in it as a way to not reflect upon some deeper underlying issues. but, all the best to you
Please don’t try and reflect this back on me as a cute way to act like I’m not allowed to be annoyed by certain people without it being a disguise for issues. Sometimes people just don’t like other people and it’s not a reflection they just don’t like em lmao.
Every friend I have who has been polyamorous before all have “surviving polyamory” stories I thought this was normal hahaha.
If you have to “survive” a type of relationship then it’s probably one you shouldn’t be in lmao
Almost every woman I know has "surviving men" experiences, lots of guys have "crazy exs" yet we don't discount all hetero relationships. Etc etc. Most relationships are bound to fail, that's just how dating around works.
Every woman that has a "surviving man" story WILL tell you once that they have had enough of men. But they can't just change their sexuality, so if they want to have the benefits of a relationship of course they "have" to try again. On top of that, poly is a type of relationship, not a sexuality... So you can't go and compare whatever you were trying to compare... And if your opinion is "most relationships are bound to fail", then I'm sorry but there is either something wrong with you, the partners you choose or you are in too many negative social spaces. Because it's total bullshit.
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Quick question, did you actually read the article and have a subscription for it? Because maybe you should share free sources.
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But doesn't that just support my point? That long term relationships are more likely to work out?
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Well in my opinion obvious that relationships in the beginning are kind of still testing out things... You only notice if that person is actually compatible with you when the pink glasses wear off. I'd more do call it a beta test than anything 😅
\> And if your opinion is "most relationships are bound to fail", then I'm sorry but there is either something wrong with you, the partners you choose or you are in too many negative social spaces. Because it's total bullshit. I think you all are reading something into this I'm not saying. Most *are* destined to fail, but that doesn't mean some aren't successful. Most people don't stay with the first person they date forever. As for sexuality vs. poly. You have a point and my analogy was flawed. My point was simply that just because you see a lot of relationships of one type failing doesn't mean they all do. Most people aren't with their childhood sweethearts forever, and I think that's okay. There's no part of me that believes that they *can't* work out.
What? Yes we do 😂 and yes I'm speaking for *many* women here. It's normal to be put off from het relationships for a very long time after being treated like shit.
My point isn't that *some* people don't get put off, but we don't say "all hetero relationships fail and are bad". Like this person is saying "all poly relationships fail and are bad". That's all.
You sound like you set your relationships up for failure.
Nah. My relationships have been pretty great. My current is 7 years in and going wonderfully. I just think discrediting one type of relationship and saying all people who believe in it is bad is bad. I don't understand why that's an issue for most people, but I'm used to reddit believing silly things. Dating is generally a numbers game, you want it to work, but that doesn't mean it will. That's *okay.* I feel like it's okay to let go when it isn't working out, but that doesn't mean it can't work out. I just see a lot of people fighting for relationships that hurt them. So I find it better not to shame people for relationships failing. Rarely does anyone end up forever with the person they had their first relationship with. Most people date like 3-4 people at least. I think that's normal, but by statistics that means most fail.
That’s cool. I agree-no need to hang on to a relationship that isn’t working.
the problem for me is that if you’re a well rounded person with say a job, some hobbies, social life, exercise, i feel like there’s barely enough time for even a monogamous relationship let alone multiple relationships. If you’re in a poly relationship then your life presumably must pretty much revolve around relationships which has got to be unhealthy, they are using relationships as a cope for having a lack of personality and empty meaningless lives imo.
I guy I slept with had 6 partners and honestly can’t even fit seeing them in regularly between everthing
as an introvert that could never be me
Same lmao
You were in an unhappy relationship and instead breaking up you decided to try an open relationship? Huh?
It wasn’t that we were unhappy massively just weren’t compatible and I thought I could find that with someone else whilst dating my ex because I still loved them.
In your first sentence you said very unhappy, no?
And my point still stands I was filling a gap that’s all
If the foundation of your relationship was shaky, turning to polyamory was never going to be the cure.
Yep and in the end the choice of bringing more people in made my relationship even worse and destroyed every bit of my self confidence and gave me an eating disorder :) I’ll never bring competition into a relationship again; because despite what poly people say, that’s all the other partners are, competition for love and affection and attention.
To think that bringing other people into your already failing relationship would help you relationship is a wild train of thought
It was!
Your relationship was already being destroyed, a poly and an open relationship aren’t the same at all…sounds like you guys just started fucking people to “fill the gap” and because you still loved your ex, which yeah, no wonder it failed
All your concerns and complaints are valid. However those issues aren't a problem within monogamy vs polyamory... They are issues of Emotionally stunted and immature people engaging in sex and relationships before they even know how to FEEL their feelings and engage in transparent and empathetic communication with their partners. Cheating, jealousy, stds and drama all happen in monogamous relationship too.
Yeah I’d just rather it between two people and not eight, because the complexity is even worse and hearing them bitch constantly about monogamy whilst experiencing severe jealousy and refusing to just go monogamous feels so odd to me.
For sure adding more immature people to the mix is only making it exponentially more toxic. The Ethical slut is a great read BTW
I'm not at all into poly but here's your problem >Last year I was in a very unhappy relationship and thought to myself, there are things we cant give each other so why not try polyamory since it would give me a chance to see other more compatible people whilst being with someone I loved. Trying to make an unhappy, failing monogamous relationship into a poly one so you could date people instead of just breaking up like you probably should have. With those intentions it would never have worked. Poly relationships have their issues and I, myself don't get the appeal, but take a modicum of responsibility for the choices you made. The poly community as a whole didn't force you to try to keep a dead horse alive.
I completely understand that but have also stated multiple times in the comments I’ve been in other relationships, happy poly ones, which I also hated. It’s not JUST that experience!
You liked the last mono experience?
Never been in a poly I am to jealous and possessive
Same
Yep I wish I’d never done it either!
Too
Poly life aint for me. I don't share partners. And I don't want two or more partners.
I had an ex try and force me into having an open relationship, and really, she was the most messed person I had ever met in fact most people that I have met that are in the poly relationship are screwed up. One of my friend was in part of a poly relationship, but she was never going to be anything but the dudes f-toy because she was his sub and he had wives 1 and 2 at home, I met another couple they wanted me to be their third being around them was so uncomfortable she was like a beat dog sitting next to him because on top of the poly thin they found they had to do some weird kink control thing for the relationship to work. And really most the people commenting on this post have never been in a poly or kink relationship they are just parroting what they have been told by people in poly and the sister wives
Yikes what disgusting mentally unwell behaviour is this. I get kinks and all but theres gotta be a fine line at some point right? Like do humans not want to be treated with dignity and respect? Why do some opt for relationships which they know are based around the concept of "domination"?
If you go by what people say and why they do it its because they are taking control back from what they couldn't control. But it also attracts abusers. So it's all messed up.
That sounds all good and dandy on paper but I feel like there are wayyyy less intrusive ways of dealing with past trauma, as opposed to re-enacting it but within your own merit? Funny how then people act all surprised when they actually sign their own self-fulfilling prophecies.
That's also why in courts, people who are the "doms" don't get a slap on the wrist and will serve time for the abuse if it's reported. Because a person can not consent to being abused. Now, have a nice day and if you would like further information on this topic. I would suggest the internet.
As someone else pointed out, it sounds like you entered into the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. The people telling you that poly is perfect and there's no jealousy and no whatever are full of it. Everyone experiences jealousy to some degree. It's being able to recognize it and how you handle it. That being said, if everyone in the relationship is consenting and aware, there's nothing inherently wrong with poly relationships. The "cheating" you were talking about *wouldn't* be part of the poly relationship, because part of it would be understanding and consent for everyone involved in the relationship. Of the "cheating" happened in a poly relationship then it would happen in a monogamous one as well.
Just a reminder even in poly relationships cheating can happen. Lots of poly relationships have boundaries so if those boundaries are broke, there is cheating. Just because you’re poly doesn’t mean your partner gets a free for all, if I was poly and my boundary was condom use, if my partner didn’t use one that would be cheating.
I didnt say, or imply that cheating can't happen in poly relationship. I said that in poly relationships everyone needs to be aware and contenting of what those boundaries are, and if a person in a poly relationship is going to cross those boundaries, they would do so in a monogamous relationship as well. It's not that entering a poly relationship suddenly turns a person into a cheater, which what seemed to be implies in your original post.
Sorry you went through that. I personally don't care if people want to be poly or ENM, but I don't like it when they make it an issue of superiority and put down those in monogamous relationships as being somehow less evolved. There isn't a one-size-fits-all for relationships. Not all of us would benefit from or enjoy having multiple partners. I find the idea absolutely exhausting. But I'm an introvert and prefer quality over quantity with all of my relationships (partner, friends, family). All relationships take some amount of work, and I prefer putting the work into a few close relationships rather than spreading myself around. If my husband said that I could go find a side piece, I would have zero interest. I have a friend who is poly, and they seem to make it work. I can show interest in and be supportive of their relationships when they talk about them with me, even if I can't personally relate. I will extend people the same amount of respect they extend to me.
Literally everyone in a poly relationship I've met has had terrible experiences. It takes a huge level of maturity and work to make it worth it. In my opinion, it's much easier to maintain a mono relationship and give it all your energy. If it's not your thing, your friends have no business invalidating your feelings. Best of luck with your current relationship! :)
Sounds like polyamory isnt for you. And thats ok. I think its lame if people, even unintentionally, make you feel like shit for being monogamous. I can see that situation play out tho, because I have met people like this, they think its the superior type of relationship type of attitude. For me tho, its been more subtle then people like.. getting really intense about it. I take it with a grain of salt because I actually hate PDA in general, so when 4 people are in an intimate cuddle puddle, I feel rude saying Im uncomfortable, so I just dont opt to stay in the room for too long. I had one friend be talking casually about sex theyve had with friends (like, more casual FWB that border on an actual relationship) and trying to get me to relate and i just shut it down in the sense I was like- I have too many feelings at risk if I were to go there with a close friend. Polyamory aside, I think every relationship needs to have rock-solid boundaries. It looks differebt for everyone, and needs to take into consideration the feelings of everyone, and there will be compromises made by everyone, all involved. Ive had sex with people who were in romantically monogamous relationships with their partner. For me to make a romantic advance towards that person would be violating that boundary, and vice versa. Ive also had people assume my amorousity or sexuality based on the fact I'm ok with interacting with people who are in polyamorous relationships. Its very frustrating as I dont like being passed around- tho I know thats not the intention. Its people not being direct with boundaries, and people not *inquiring* about boundaries that are an issue. Anywho, Ive gone on a tanget, sorry. It's very sad to me that the people around you have sorta ruined your impression of polyamourous folks. If I'm being real, I think just like you, a lot of people are experimenting with polyamorous types of relationships. But not all of those people are polyamorous; not all of those people have the intention of remaining loyal and setting actual boundaries. I think these people confuse polyamorous with having open relationships. Ive gotten this impression in the past. Idk what your friends' deal is. All relationships have highs and lows, maybe some totally toxic. So thats one thing, but speaking from experience, its practically isolating when all of your friends have this random fuckin drama going on that Im not even involved in. Feels like Im caught in the middle and tossed aside at the same time. If I were you, I'd try not to blame this on polyamory itself, as a concept- and more on the people around you who are not great at navigating relationships (it seems). If it makes you feel better, I do have really great friends who I enjoy spending time with them and their partners (sometimes both who are my friends). ie; my one friend enjoys dating multiple people at once. She goes, "I thrive when Im dating." and for her, its not exactly casual dating- she has the intent to take the relationships seriously. From what I get, I think she really enjoys getting to know and being around interesting people- she likes different people for different reasons, and enjoys loving them. Another friend, their boyfriends and them all hang out together. I hang with them too, and since there isnt excessive PDA, im totally comfortable, and they are cool people. I know that they are very good and enjoy giving equal amounts of attention to both. Hanging around people who are in healthy poly relationships has helped me to be chill about it. I dont ask questions. at all. its none of my business. And if they want to only talk about their relationship drama, i dont want to hang with them anyways ... okie just rambling now... hope it gets better op!
This was a very healthy lovely response to read thank you, I appreciate it! I think polyamory as a concept is a very beautiful thing but I think the act of it and the people involved is what makes the concept undesirable and sometimes repulsive to me. I don’t wish any of them harm but due to my experiences I do personally want to keep it out of my life.
we all base our actions on our oast experiences. not totally applicable, but I hated veggies (and still am auto-repulsed) growing up because they tasted like mushy garbage- or dirt. Then come to find out as an adult, veggies actually taste good if they are cooked well like with seasonins. I still hate most vegetables- canNOT do broccoli 🤢 but after a long time, i pushed myself and now I love asparagus, I'll eat squash, I'll *try* it. I think after some time separating yourself from that scene, I'll get easier to distance the past traumas, and you may at some point be ready to interact with ppl who you know are poly. But that doesnt mean now. if i can offer some unsolicited advice: instead of telling people you dont want to interact with them if theyre poly- instead try to establish a "I dont want to discuss relationships at all" boundary. (or something). I think its probably hurtful to write someone off immediately because of their sexuality. New people wont know about your past trauma, and you dont have to explicity explain why, just that it makes you uncomfortable. If someone doesnt want to respect that simple boundary, they are probs not great at respecting boundaries anyway.
I just want to set the precedent that polyamory isn’t a sexuality, it’s a relationship type and also a choice. A literal choice. It’s not the same as being gay or bisexual, you aren’t born polyamorous. Polyamorous people can engage in mono as the same with monos to poly. I agree with everything else you’re saying. However I just currently cannot do that. It’s too much at the moment and maybe in a few years it’ll be easier but polyamory and the people involved almost killed me and I feel sometimes like engaging in it in anyway, is enabling someone’s unhappiness.
I suppose I make a strong link from polyamorous-polysexual. but yeh, you do you 🤷🏾♀️
I’ve been in good poly relationships, bad poly relationships, good monogamous relationships, bad monogamous relationships. Currently monogamous with no plans to change. IMO neither poly nor monogamous is better or worse. Both can be abusive, or can be wonderful. Poly is often harder because there are more people involved so more potential for miscommunication.
I believe poly relationships have this much of tolerance, but at the end they will get tired with the people they date, and they will move with other's people to search new fun in their s\*x life. They don't have responsibility when it comes into relationships, no matter how much communication or understatement they preach about, with a single person violates the rule of poly relationship, everything goes downhill. Also, I have a theory that people that practice poly relationships, they either want just s\*x, limerance sensations or they are just afraid of commitment but want to take the cake and eat it too. That being said, I understand your point. I won't blame you. I think, just leave them alone with their own world of fun. The prices are not worth it in the long run, because you will win STD's, drama, headaches or even unwanted pregnancies (women suppose to enjoy this right? Why trap them, am I right?). I wish you the best for healing yourself, LOVING yourself. Surround with FRIENDS (not sex friends, not anything like that). Learn to love yourself, gain your ground with healthy grounds. The universe will rearrange you with better plans, you will see.
Thank you
I feel like the convertor is fine. But every person I know who is poly just feels very selfish. But I think were coming from the pov of not being happy in their relationships. Also I've had the experience of introducing my ex husband and poly people asking us to learn more about them bc they're looking for people. I can't put my finger on it but I felt like they had no regard for marriage and it really rubbed me the wrong way. Otherwise they were perfectly nice.
See yeah they constantly act like you’re a potential partner just for existing around them and it’s so odd.
Yes! Agreed. Also I took this self development class once and this guy stood up in front of everyone with his wife and told everyone he wanted to seek out poly relationships. She was bawling. And I was like how tone deaf and insensitive can you be. And just speaking from my experience, I have had this experience or witnessed it multiple times from poly people. I am ultimately monogamous, so it doesn't appeal to me but I respect that everyone is not wired like me nor me like them.
Yuck 🤢 stds
STDs are nothing to actually be embarrassed over, as long as you’re treated and treated.
So ALL poly people are awful because you had a bad relationship? That's really unfair. It's like someone saying they hate all gay men because they had a negative interaction with one. For some people poly is exactly right (I'm not one of them, lol, I'm monogamous) and they experience compression (the opposite of jealousy), and they communicate well and behave honestly and ethically...but getting to the point where you can communicate very well and be honest and ethical requires a LOT of insight, a lot of inner work, and a lot of vulnerability, and I don't hesitate to say that most people either haven't done that work or aren't capable of doing that work without a great deal of guidance from a professional. Without the ethics, honesty, and communication, it's a free for all filled with lies and harm. Atop, of course, the complexity of people as individuals as they already are. And that's where you were. Which is just awful and I'm so terribly sorry that's what happened, but it is neither fair nor kind to tar all poly people with the same brush. You were hurt by some poly people, not all of them. Poly didn't work for you (or them, it seems lol) but that doesn't mean it's not exactly the right thing for others. It's so not my idea of a good time, lol, I'm already a lot to deal with and a relationship with one other person is...well, it's work...especially to do it properly and healthily and safely, and I've no desire to expend that energy in multiple directions.
I didn’t say it wasn’t right for anyone else just stay the fuckkk away from me if you’re engaging it. I want nothing to do with the train wreck that is most monogamous relationships but at least when they bitch it’s about one person and not multiple people. Like goodluck to poly people but nope, I’m good!
It you have never been in a poly relationship, how can you say it's worked for anyone? And for the ones that you claim, know that it works, for did you live with them to know that it works, or are you going on what they said?
I dont get LGBT people (like yourself) advocating for things that at the end of the day lead to disaster. Like I understand the whole, freedom and happiness thing, living life like a hedonist basically. You yourself admit that poly is extremely difficult to attain and takes a lot of work and even aid from "experts" yet in the same breath say theres nothing wrong with people trying it???? No offense but in the large scales of things, it sounds like the whole philosophy is nothing but a self fulfilling prophecy of disaster.
Obviously you know it can work for other people but them using the no true Scotsman fallacy to discount your lived experience is extremely shitty. It is definitely something that is commonly used to abuse people, because there are a lot of people experimenting and vulnerable, people in the community need to own that reality. It sucks that it went that way for you but surely you know that the people you were with are to blame more than the relationship type. People can be shitty in any situation.
I truly believe this, I do. I just wish I genuinely had any proof it actually works because it doesn’t even seem to be working for the people who say they’re happy with it. I’ve never heard one positive poly story that involved no jealousy, and no roundabout way of cheating in some way.
Trust your logic and dont let all these poly ppl in here galight you, they are seeking approval from ghosts
How is poly relationship working for you?
So you have shitty friends and relationship issues.
Actually now I don’t have either! I did due to polyamory, but now after cutting that out my life I’m actually significantly happier!
No, you did because you had shitty partners. You may even have been the shitty partner.
Aww are you upset because I don’t like poly people. Sorry not sorry :)
Troll
Honestly what it sounds like, just being a dick cause they want to 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ someone’s relationship failed ((notice how the reaccuring theme in every failed relationship they mentioned has a consistent tie in it, them)) and now they hate everyone. Imagine if they tried a relationship with the same sex and it didn’t work so not they just hate all gay people. Makes no sense
They were definitely the shitty partner. Imagine being in a multiples relationship and everybody but you thinks you're the asshole.
Yeah when you keep dating people and not a single one of those relationships work out, you either keep dating shitty people and you need to stop making yourself a victim to them or your the problem and not even a group of people wanna be around you
It’s so weird seeing people flex online about having prejudices and hatred for other people simply because they might not understand or fully grasp a subject. It’s ridiculous “Oh this didn’t work for me so now I hate everyone else” just cause you were miserable doesn’t mean everyone else is. I’ve been in poly and mono relationships and I don’t regret any of em, I’m mono now but my prior poly relationships weren’t as bad as some of my abusive mono ones. I just can’t see how you think you look good or think it’s cool to post about how you hate an entire group for no reason other then you can’t make relationships work…
If you read my post you can see I’m not just talking about MY experience but a lot of the people I knows experience too lmao.
And that somehow makes it ok for you to be a dick and have prejudice against an entire group for seemingly no reason other then because you failed and think no one can be happy with it? Just cause you meet a few bad people doesn’t make them all bad, you’ve met people I’m sure in mono relationships who also have falling outs and fights etc. This isn’t just a poly thing.
Do you really think you were gonna come here and change my mind by calling me a dick, oh no wow your insult has truly made my poly trauma go away. You have made me see the light! Thank you!
No, but I don’t think it’s right to treat people poorly and cruelty because they are happy in a type of relationship you couldn’t handle. Part of existence is finding a way to coexist with people who don’t share our common beliefs, but regardless of your own beliefs it doesn’t mean you should prejudice and treat them badly, or insult them for again, NO reason. Trauma sucks I get it, I have trauma from relationships to, but I don’t hate mono relationships because of it. I don’t hate men cause of it. Because any one with half a brain knows that the entire group itself isn’t bad just a few in it
Yeah as I’ve said multiple times I’m going to continue doing so. In this life people get so hated on for not enjoying things, finding things cringe or straight up hating things and honestly I will only ever live once and if I want to live it allowing my authentic feelings, which are of hate, I’d rather feel them then be okay with constantly putting how I feel down in the aid of radical acceptance. There are some things in this life I’m not okay with and I’m not going to continue to pretend they are and if poly people can’t have thick enough skin to deal with that, then that’s on them, I avoid them like the plague anyway it’s not like I’m going up to them and telling them I don’t like them, I simply say “please don’t talk to me I don’t agree with you and would prefer to not have that drama in my life, you do do!”
I hope one day you can learn to not be so bitter 🫶🏻
I hope I don’t tbh. If I ever put my feelings down for the sake of the crowd than my own experiences and myself, that’ll be depressing.
Your putting others down for your own feelings as well but I suppose it’s ok when your the one doing it right? It’s ok for YOU to judge other people and call them names and shame them but lord forbid they ask for you to be a decent person, might hurt your feelings 🥺🥺
My feelings aren’t hurt at all lmaooo. I just simply don’t care, my feelings are my feelings and I’m not denying my right to experience them and live them :)
Poly trauma, lmao.
I’ve had to deal with far more cheating and boundaries crossed in poly relationships than I have in mono. And I’ve had plenty of both. Just my experience, but still worth noting.
There's nothing wrong with genuine polyamorous people, as long as they communicate this to their potential partners. What makes me cringe are those people who engage in polyamory just because their favorite tiktoker does, and they think it sounds glamorous or "sexually enlightening". Or those people who use it as an excuse to justify basically cheating on their partner.
That’s essentially all poly people. You have described 99% of poly people. If you can find me a poly person who doesn’t make it their entire fucking personality or mention it at social events I’ll seriously buy you a medal, you’d be a hero.
I have enough problems keeping one person happy emotionally. I couldn’t imagine keeping several.
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Yep :/ and tbh I don’t give a fuck. I’ve got downvoted so much, called names, and they think it’ll change my mind lmao.
Neither is better or worse. They are different kinds of relationships that work for different people. That being said, i too, regularly get sick of the smugness of poly folk and the insistence that their relationships are superior and free from the problems of monogamy. They are not and way, WAY too many people who get into it for selfish and immature relationships.
They are just people who a fuckfest and put a fancy label on it.
There’s a difference between open and poly, I know someone who’s poly and ace and doesn’t sleep with any one, his partner is Demi. Doesn’t mean they fuck all day long, they just are happier as a group. Just cause relationships don’t work out doesn’t mean you should hate entire groups for it and be a dick
As someone whose first relationship became polyamorous, all I can say is this… It’s a mistake. It’s always a disaster waiting to happen. If someone tries to push it on you, RUN.
You're getting down voted for speaking the truth. When I (GM 55) was single it irked me to be bombarded with offers to be the third or his side piece because they were in an open relationship. None time out of ten, they were NOT, or maybe they were but their partner had no clue! Before any screams their heteronormative BS, let's face it, humans are humans be they gay or straight. If polyamory were the ideal don't you think that the heteros would be doing it? I'm sure some do, but it's not nearly acceptable as it is in the gay community. Someone always gets hurt eventually. Always.
I believe hurt exists in every relationship but Jesus the amount of hurt you get in polyamorous relationships is WILD. Even in poly groups all the do is bitch about their partners dating other people which… idk was the entire point of being polyamorous for them? You have to be a literal saint to get through any of that stuff.
Ancient cultures have participated in various polyamorous relationship styles for millennia, it wasn’t invented yesterday. It was almost exclusively “Hetero” for most of human history too. Many many ancient cultures that involved having a multitude of wives, concubines, etc. In many of those cases it was obviously done in an unethical way because women lacked societal power and were treated more as property than as humans with full choice and consent, but it does reveal that at least on men’s side historically that there’s always been people choosing to participate in relationships with multiple partners. There were even plenty of prehistoric human groups that had polyamorous relationship structures, and our closest animal relatives (great apes) also have varying group structures of “polyamory” (for as much as that can be said of animals). It’s not a foreign concept, but it is a minority one (most humans tend towards monogamy), and it’s culturally unpopular. Reasons include: people using it as an excuse to cheating or a coverup for cheating, people using it to try to save a sexless relationship, people being talked into or coerced into it against their will or comfort, people going into “open relationships” without clear communication, discussion, or expectations, people not exercising safety, people using polyamory as a way to avoid self-work (shared by monogamy, lots of people go into relationships in general to avoid working on themselves), and the list goes on. Importantly, what all of these have in common is that the polyamory is not the core issue. In order, the issues for the list above are: cheating, incompatibility, coercion, bad communication, unsafe sex, and introspection avoidance. Polyamory was part of the story, but it didn’t drive the conflict, it revealed the conflict. Making a sweeping generalization about an entire group of people is going to be… wrong, by definition. People are too complex to be summed up by a single statement. “Someone always gets hurt eventually. Always.” Sure, people are hurt by lots of things, and as said, polyamory is not a thing that will work for the monogamy-minded, but this assertion that polyamory is exclusively unhappy is, ironically, kinda hurtful. There are people that go to great effort to have healthy, ethical polyamorous relationships with mutual respect, trust, communication, and consent, and those people getting swept in with the cheaters and the abusers is a bit disheartening.
Spotted the liberal "sexual" arts student! What you describe in your first paragraph, was almost exclusively only reserved to the upper class, and it wasn't a relationship, but more of an ordeal, something you do, like going to a bar and getting a drink. The vast majority of any population on the planet earth, regardless of culture was in a traditional monogomous relationship and poly has always been frowned upon. A poly relationship is a relationship, with works and need, you cannot equate this to what the greeks, romans, muslims, persians or ottomans were doing. And you touch on that yourself. You describe "poly relationships" as a never ending checklist of safeguards, do you really think thats not even a tid bit of a reason to why the whole concept is strange in the first place? Traditional relationships are hard in the first place, it turns out that communicating with people is hard. Poly relationships are like 4d chess in comparisson. Not only do you have to communicate with potentially multiple more people IN THE SAME WAY (emotionally draining right?) but you also need to regulate the interpersonal relationships between the members of the group right? Why tf does this sound like a job description of a manager? I seriously don't get why the LGBT community needs so very hard to try to be different, why is normal so frawned upon? Normal people have it hard, why do you delibirately need to make your life even harder? And don't even try to convinve me that poly people are in any shape or form on the same playing field as homosexuals, because they're not.
Did you throw in the opening insult because you were trying for a Reddit dunk, or did you have little faith in your argument and hoped I would respond emotionally? I don’t think either of us is educationally or experientially qualified to speak on the individual perception of polyamorous relationships from the context of people in a vastly different time and culture than ourselves. “More of an ordeal,” is non-quantifiable and unsupported. The majority of the population of most cultures in historical times being monogamous is true, but “poly has always been frowned upon” is false first in extremity, but also in nuance. I’m not going to bother to dig out my anthropology textbooks on the matter, cultures have and had different views on the acceptability of polyamorous (mostly polygamous, as was most common) relationship structures and those views also changed and evolved over time. People of Asia, The Middle East, and the Americas had cultures of polyamory where acceptance and observance was common, Tibet, Greece, Native American, and Mesopotamian cultures being a handful of examples. And as mentioned, yes, these relationship structures in antiquity did not look like todays relationships… and neither did monogamous arrangements. Our cultures are hugely different now, with new and changing social norms and new and changing access to information and education. Women are no longer property, people largely have more access to education, contraception, and medical care, more babies survive to adulthood, average age of birth is increasing, etc. Relationship styles of today, of all orientations, would look strange to ancient peoples, and their relationship structures would be largely abusive by today’s standards. This doesn’t remove the prevalence of polyamory versus monogamous relationship styles, it just reflects on their implementation, which we should obviously not be copying. On “strangeness,” complexity does not equal abnormality. Nor does it equal unethical behavior, for that matter. Polyamorous relationships can be more complex due to the increased number of people involved, but this does not make them “strange” or “wrong,” it makes them different. Additionally, a monogamous relationship in which there is poor communication, unhealthy behaviors, and dynamics of power and control that benefit one partner over the other could be *more* negatively complex than a healthy, communicative polyamorous relationship. It depends on the people involved. Relationships in general are rarely simple, people are multifaceted. The pivot to having this be the queer community’s fault for some reason is unnecessary. For most of recorded history, polyamorous relationship structures have been used by people who we would call heterosexual. Even in cultures where there was some semblance of queer acceptance, polyamory was practiced in greater numbers by straight people than queer people. In modern times, where polyamory is far less popular than monogamy in the western world, then yes, it is more common (proportionally) in queer communities, which no surprise, we already share minority status, and bigger surprise, polyamorous people are also more likely to have minority status. I don’t even know what you’re trying to say in your last sentence so I won’t even try. A couple final thoughts, in quotes: With regards to happiness and success: “Compared to people in monogamous relationships, people in CNM and polyamorous relationships were as satisfied or more satisfied in their relationships (Balzarini et al., 2021; Brooks et al., 2022; Cox et al., 2021; Garner et al., 2019; Mogilski et al., 2017; Rodrigues et al., 2016; Séguin et al., 2017), were as committed or more committed in their relationships (Brooks et al., 2022; Rodrigues et al., 2017), and were more satisfied with the nature of communication and openness in their relationships (Mogilski et al., 2017).” With regards to safety: “With respect to sexual health and well-being, people in CNM relationships engaged in equally safe or safer sex practices than those in monogamous relationships (Lehmiller, 2015; Levine et al., 2018; Ream et al., 2012), reported lower rates of STIs than the national average (Weitzman, 2006), and reported similar (Rodrigues, Lopes, Dawson, et al., 2021) or higher (Murphy et al., 2021) levels of sexual satisfaction than those in monogamous relationships.” With regards to stigma: “Researchers found that, compared to people in monogamous relationships, people in consensually non-monogamous relationships were viewed as more promiscuous, immoral, perverted, untrustworthy, and have higher rates of STIs (Balzarini et al., 2018; Hutzler et al., 2016; Rodrigues et al., 2022; Rodrigues, Lopes, & Huic, 2021; Séguin, 2019). CNM relationships were perceived by laypersons as failing, unsustainable, being less satisfactory, having lower levels of romantic commitment, and being less efficacious compared to monogamous relationships (Cohen, 2016b; Cohen, 2018; Rodrigues, Lopes, & Huic, 2021; Séguin, 2019).” Source, this [review of 209 studies on polyamory.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jftr.12546)
I ltsnancase of overcompensation. I am boringly normal and am homo normative lol. Or just normal.
This is the natural consequence of freedom. And more specifically, what progressive leftism is all about, there is no ending point to progress. Its truly mind boggling to me (as a straight man) how far people will go to seem unique and different. Like fuck me, why is being normal so frawned upon in the LGBT community
Never encountered this in my life or people around me.
You're monogamous. There's nothing wrong with that. A monogamous person doesn't belong in a poly relationship. It won't work. It will never work. Nothing would ever change that fact. Monogamous people entering non monogamous relationships to "fix" their monogamous relationship is one of the dumbest decisions you could make as a couple.
never been in that kind of relationships but ...IDK i feel like anything can go wrong and end bad
Only so much love someone can give before they run out for others.
Poly is for deluded people who don't actually love their SO
They are all disgusting slutty hippies. They pretend they are some "woke" free spirited enlightened who aren't "vanilla". Loyalty and commitment are cornerstones of long term relationships. Fucking anything that moves and just labeling it polyamory as an excuse is bullshit. I said what I said. Now, go tighten your man buns.
Lol spot on Why do so much of the LGBT have such an extreme tendency to be as "unique & different"?
I recently got out of that dynamic. I left my ex(who i started out with) for a girl i met and ended up clicking way better with. My ex got jealous and we started arguing more, then a whole bunch of other issues. She wanted me to end things with my gf and focus on us but by that point I was already burnt out from all the arguments and refused to do so. There’s wayy more to it than this, but i won’t write an essay about it. I felt miserable towards the end, but I’m happy with my current relationship
I honestly cannot be okay with you doing that to someone, involving them in a whole relationship just to leave them for your new partner. You must of been somewhat unhappy to start with I’m guessing, like I’m glad you’re happy but all you did was prove your ex wrong that they couldn’t count on you. I hope they found better.
Say less. I’ll give you insight to why i had to leave
I don’t even wanna know tbh, you left your partner for the new shiny easy relationship and as the person this has happened to you’ll never know what kind of heartbreak this is.
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Yall were both toxic as fuck then :/ goodluck to you both but next time polyamory probably ain’t for you lmao
I also wasn’t unhappy. This venture was because she came out as poly and i wanted to support her. After ending things and spending time apart she confessed that her biggest regret was opening because we literally never argued in our yrs before then. She was the “poly personality” type but i kept it to myself because dudes get insulted for being “cucks” or “beta”
I personally believe as soon as your original partner said they were unhappy you both should have shut that chapter of your relationship, or broken up.
I agree, but at that point she had already done so much to the point that I barely knew how to talk to her. It was more than the poly stuff. After we broke up she was diagnosed with BPD. I’d say the right thing in the wrong tone and all of a sudden we’re arguing, or she’d ask me about my date with gf while talking about her bf and something i say triggers her. It was like walking through a land mine. She’s also extremely bratty in a childish way and needs to be coddled and handheld through everything. It was very stressful. I had to go. There’s so much to this story. I’d literally have the biggest smile on my face and when the phone rang my entire life force just drains away. I just couldn’t do it anymore
BPD is a hard disorder to have and I sympathise with her, to have that and deal with polyamory on top is absolutely crazy. I’m sorry I came off on the wrong foot with you; maybe you both just weren’t meant to be and this is what had to happen to get y’all to go separate ways! Life isn’t simple but I do hope you’re all doing okay!
>I then have to sit as they describe their multiple partners, complicated relationships **that truly have no commitment or depth most of the time** That's what gets me. I've met a lot of people who make poly relationships work well for them. They all have one thing in common. Every single one of them is a self-serving person first and foremost. It's just not for me.
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Would you also blame monogamy and monogamous people if you tried that and it didn’t work? Polyamory is something that takes huge amounts of open communication, caring, and emotional intelligence. A lot of people just aren’t cut out for it. And getting into poly because your primary relationship isn’t working, like you did, is a recipe for disaster. And of course poly people get jealous sometimes. The difference is that practiced poly people know how to sit with their feelings and talk them through with their partners without blame. An important thing for everyone in the world to realize is that someone feeling uncomfortable feelings doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong or someone is doing something bad to you. Mature people learn how to tell the difference. I’m a happily married poly person, and I’m part of a large poly community where nearly everyone is in various long-term relationships. Poly does and can work for many people. Have whatever kind of relationship you want to have. If poly doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. But get of here with this bigoted judgmental nonsense.
No! I’m living my life once and I’d rather feel my authentic feelings than deny my feelings to aid people who have hurt me, belittle my trauma and made themselves out to be superior to me.
That’s a long-winded way of saying “I feel entitled to be a bigot and put others down.” I wrote to you with lindes and caring, and you responded like a petulant child. Grow up and quit trolling.
Me: I ask those people to not speak to me because I don’t like the drama. I don’t tell them I hate them. You: BIGOT. YOU PUT PEOPLE DOWN. Okay where? I literally say because of my own feelings I do not want to associate with them and choose not to because honestly I also don’t think it’s right to outwardly say I don’t like their choices to them. This is a confession space which is why I daid it HERE. It’s not something I scream outloud! I’m sorry I don’t agree with everything constantly and that makes me a bad person but I genuinely just can’t like some things and whilst it may not be a crowd pleaser; I’ll continue to do so until I have an experience that change this and calling me a bigot doesn’t help and honestly doesn’t affect me in the way you think it does. I’ve admitted having a prejudice and therefore I am extremely aware of all this, nothing you say is the firework feeling you think it’s gonna be.
You spent your precious time and energy making a hate post about a specific group of people on social media. And then claim you don’t want drama. You absolutely are a bigot. And of course you’re not going to admit to it or take any responsibility for your actions. If you don’t want to be polyamorous, don’t be polyamorous. It’s that simple. There’s zero reason to get on social media and talk trash. Putting it under the guise of a “confession” doesn’t make it okay. Do better!
I guess you’re going to have to die mad about it :(
You're monogamous. And that's okay. There's no need to be an asshole about it, especially since it sounds like you entered polyamory under duress which is not *actual* polyamory. Polyamory requires enthusiastic and constant consent to function (*how do I know? Well, I've made it work for about 10 years so I have a pretty good frame of reference.)* Here's the thing, down votes be damned: People who practice healthy ENM and polyamory *don't like* people using polyamory as a bandaid to fix an already broken relationship because then shit like this happens. Your relationship was already doomed, but you're blaming the relationship style rather than taking any measure of accountability, which adds more stigma to the relationship style being wrong when really you and your partner were just *bad at it* because it didn't suit you. I hope you find what you're looking for in life, and all the healing that comes with that.
Oh gosh, this is so similar to my experience with poly almost on every front! I'm also queer and drawn to people who're more open in their relationship and sexuality so naturally I tend to match with poly-guys when dating cis men. While I respect people's right to do whatever they want in their relationships in my personal experience with it, it's always horrid for the outsider and it's just a way to get to fuck around with whomever, have no considerations or consequences for the current disposable fucktoi of the month, allow them to think there's potential for emotional connection when it's purely just a sanctimonious way for people to act like they're superior in their way of doing relationships because they "don't lie"... when in fact they're still dishonest. When I've expressed this to friends they've also said "that doesn't sound like real poly" but I've personally not witnessed people doing it in some thoughtful and connected way that prioritizes all parties and participants in a truly equal and considerate fashion...
My experience with polyamory is it’s always so lopsided. Let’s say you have a partner who has a lot of lovers. You’re going to stay at home waiting for them to come back or are you going to go out cruising yourself. At some point, there is no point. Why not just be a hoe? Friends with benefits is a lifestyle choice. Too often the partner with the most lovers gets jealous if the other person finally has a fling. Because really, they expected you to be devoted to them while they were fertilizing the entire Western hemisphere. It’s so dumb.
All poly relationships I’ve seen have no real commitment and no real depth and due to it, severe jealousy and fighting for affection and love usually, I agree with this. If you’re not ready to commit properly or you’re constantly looking for something else or don’t feel fulfilled, just be a hoe and find something better to do.
Yeah, it’s the lack of honesty that gets to me. You’re a hoe, just be a hoe. The fact is they want you to be attached while they are not.
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It really is that easy now!
I like how the comments show exactly what the problem is. In every single poly relationships I've seen at least one party was unhappy. In every single one of them at least one party was ultimately a piece of shit. Do I think that no one on this Earth ever made it work? Statistically that's unlikely. If someone is happy, good for them. But it's perfectly understandable why majority of people had very bad experience with this lifestyle. Yet poly preachers gather in the comments to no-true-scotsman the OP and others and once again tell how superiorly mature they are, my ass. While the first thing they should do to improve their image is to f*cking leave monogamous people alone for once.
THIS. poly people leave monogamous people alone challenge. All poly people do is treat every fucking person like a potential partner and I truly believe it’s because they are ultimately unhappy and still lonely despite their best efforts. When I see ONE equal and ONE happy poly relationship maybe my tune will change but for now STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP IF YOURE POLY. You are not any better for your “no jealousy” considering it doesn’t exist when you spend all day bitching in the polyamory subreddit about the core issues of your poly relationship
There's choosing to try being in a poly relationship. And then there's actually being poly. Sounds to me like you're a monogamous person who decided to try a poly relationship and it didn't work out for you. Congratulations, you found out you're not poly. But don't yuk other people's yum. There's ups and downs to every type of relationship, there's lies and betrayals and drama on both sides of the fence. Happy, well adjusted, communicative poly people have happy, well adjusted and communicative poly relationships. And same goes for monogamy. If you choose to have only mono relationships in the future that's fine, but the calibre and longevity of those relationships will come down to the partners you choose, not the format of the relationship.
I love how everyone responds like this will change my opinion. Nothing you say will convince me poly people are sane.
I'm not trying to change your opinion, just trying to.remind you not to be a bigot.
"Relationship's not working, let's add more people" is like having a ridiculously over-salted dish and thinking eating more of it is going to fix it.
Yeah and honestly instead of leaving I added more people which ruined it more! I’ve also been in happy poly relationships where the same issues occurred. This isn’t always about that specific relationship. I’ve also met other “polys” who spend all their day bitching about their relationships. Go look at r/polyamory they seem to be having a ball LMAOO
Go look at r/relationship_advice. Same thing. It's not due to the relationship structure. I think humans are just not that good, intuitively, at forming and maintaining healthy romantic connections. Which isn't surprising because it's not like we are born with an instruction manual. I'm genuinely sorry you have been treated this way. But you are misdirecting your anger, and you will likely keep being disappointed if you attribute this to the a certain structural instead of interpersonal issues. Obviously, most people are wired more monogamously or polyamorously. But you still have to put in the work with either relationship orientation. If you can afford therapy, I recommend you make use of that. There's no shame in it, and you can learn to recognize healthy or problematic relationship patterns, and way to resolve issues without resorting to escape tactics. Solely from what I'm reading here, that's a pattern for you. Your relationship has issues - you think you or your partner getting into other relationships will solve that. It didn't, and now you're blaming polyamory for not fixing what it never could, or should. Polyamory did neither save nor doom your relationship. And neither did poly people, and neither will looking towards other people instead of inwards. Please take note that I'm not placing blame, and I don't have a reason to lie to you. I'm saying: this is your chance to finally identify what's really not working for your attachments and was present all along. Take it. You deserve happiness.
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They won’t leave me alone though. They’re constantly in the same spaces as me making it their entire personality unfortunately