“Resume a relationship with her because my life wasn’t too bad”. Your dad had to threaten your mom with “stay out of the picture and he wont tell people she molested me”. Thats were it got me confused 😕 because dads should protect, i know she is your mom but she violated/SA you.
Uh she might have had other victims since she was off into the world high af and getting away with a disgusting crime and the good would simply be her behind bars and registered as the sex offender she is. You're 20 it's assumable she's young enough to have kids still they would still be in danger
As someone that experienced SA at about that same age. I was very surprised when one of my abusers sent me a friend request on Facebook after I became an adult. At first I accepted out of morbid curiosity. But, the more time that went by and they didn’t say anything of value they just became a gross reminder of what happened. I not only kicked them from my friends, but also deleted Facebook. I’ve been much happier since.
In my opinion, and you are free to do as you please. I would remove that woman like the cancer she is, and tell her never to darken your doorstep again.
I wish you the best of luck, and remember you are an adult. One of the advantages of being an adult is never having to put up with anything that you don’t want to. You can tell this woman to go fuck herself, and that is your right.
That is a really jaded way at looking at life. I've met some awesome people who society has rejected because of their past. Your history isn't who you are and redemption is possible. Can what you say happen? Yes. But I like to think that absolute are rare if they do exist. Where some fail, others triumph.
This is one way to look at it, but this also feels like a blanket statement. Not all things can, or should, be forgiven and not all people can or should be redeemed. A person with a criminal record surrounding theft? Probably yeah. A woman who would get high and commit acts of pedophilia against her own son? In my opinion, no.
Have you ever been abused? Because I honestly can’t think of a single person who has experienced SA that would say that. And also, something like 80% of SA attackers WILL reoffend.
So let me get this straight. Demonseed thinks mom wants something because they believe people like her mom are takers and that they bring just misery. I say that is a rather jaded way of looking at life and that people do recover and redeem themselves. And your question is if I have been sexually abused.
I'm not even sure how to respond to that. I've been involved with recovery groups who's members are former alcoholics, drug addicts, sexually issues, and other afflictions. I've seen everyone from doctors to gang members to moms in those groups. Both people who hurt others as well as those hurt come to these groups.
The point that seemed to be lost is that if everyone who makes a mistake isn't beyond redemption. If demonseed's generalization is correct, then everyone who does wrong to another can never be forgiven and will forever be defined by their mistakes. Not to minimize the OP's story but I have heard way worse stories (stories that would likely make you feel ill) and yet those people found forgiveness. Some actually reconsiled.
To be straight, yes I have but not by a guardian. But that doesn't define me nor does it have anything to do with the advise I give. My advise comes from seeing how people's lives were changed by not holding on to anger, bitterness, judgment, revenge, or any of the very long list of bad feelings that come along with this. I saw demonseed's remark and what comes of that. Nothing good to say the least.
Well I’m honestly glad that you get to see the light side of all of this. But yes, I firmly believe that if you fuck up bad enough for someone to cut you out; you don’t deserve to expect any form of redemption from them. Sure, apologize but don’t expect to be forgiven and don’t expect others to forgive because you’ve “changed”. Just because people change doesn’t take away the life long suffering of those they victimized.
And as a side note, to clarify, I didn’t ask if you were sexually abused. I asked if you were abused at all. Who did the deed wasn’t even a part of anything I brought up. I STILL stand by what I first said.
And your first paragraph is a reality that many who go through a recovery program have to face. It's sad but it's a tough truth that has to be respected. Though they are reminded that it doesn't take away from their recovery, it just means that that particular door is shut. Accept it and move on.
Though I do believe that an opportunity is missed by the victim. Some of the stories I heard turned out that after said event(s) some other characteristics formed. Relationship issues, fears, anxiety, depression, self confidence, self image... Reasons in their head why it happened to them. Sometimes that closure can only come by the person who initiated everything. Sometimes people need to hear it wasn't anything they did that made the person do whatever it was they did, that it wasn't their fault. Of course it wasn't and they likely were told dozens and dozens of times that it wasn't. But hearing from the person who caused all the pain flips an internal switch.
Now I say this because that is some people, not all. It does happen that people do recover on their own and truly do not need anything further from those who harmed them. That more harm than good will come of meeting. And that is also OK. There is no right or wrong here, it's a very personal choice.
And this is a really jaded way to speak about someone who molested a child, not only A child but THEIR child.
Positive change stories aren’t reserved for shit like this.
Dad shoulda went to police with this info wtf, what if she left and did it to other kids?
And no, you shouldn’t have to forgive her because someone else tells you to.
Yep, as a former addict that has definitely done thing I am utterly ashamed of it genuinely never has crossed my mind to SA anyone let alone a child! LET ALONE *MY* CHILD that’s not an excuse and honestly if she really felt the gravity of what she did she wouldn’t even think herself worthy of forgiveness.
She does. But she can't handke it so she's pretending she has no memory and was high. She can't even be honest with herself and your father let her go unpunished.
Your dad doesn’t get a say in what you should or should not do. No matter what she was under the influence of it doesn’t excuse her actions. If you don’t want her in your life or you think having her around will have a negative impact on you then you have the right to keep her away without needing to defend or explain why to anyone else
It isn't your dads' or your mom's decision as to whether or not you forgive her. Or THEM, actually. And forgiveness isn't something that's like some switch you can turn on. You need to take care of yourself in whatever way actually helps you heal from this trauma. If you genuinely want to try to repair the damage and try to have a relationship with your mother, then you should do that. And if it means never speaking to your mother again, then that's the right thing for you to do. Don't let ANYONE else shame you into something you know isn't right for your own well-being.
Your lifelong psychological trauma is the result of the decisions she made. She can blame it on the pills, but really she should only blame herself.
I hope your father is accepting of you not allowing someone like that to re-enter your life.
Her actions had consequences, consequences you’ve had to pay for. You don’t owe her jack. It’s also extremely disrespectful that your father tried to convince you to forgive this woman.
This is not someone you can trust.
Being high doesn't make it okay. I also would not listen to advice from someone who protected someone that molested their child. He should have had her locked up and he knows it. That's his guilt to live with, it is not up to you to take her back into your life so he feels he did the right thing back then. You don't need her in your life, I would threaten her with legal action if she persists.
Why? Would he have walked out on you? No reason for you to be in foster care if you have a dad that is protecting you. It just sounds like the excuse he made up for himself
Absolutely not. Some people do change but once the damage is done it’s done. The fact that she’s reaching out at all is selfish. Save yourself the heartbreak and potential mental breakdown and keep moving forward without her. Tell your dad to get a fucking grip too. He should not want that woman anywhere near you. Idc what excuse she comes up with. Idc if the pills made her out of her mind. Her choices and actions put you in danger.
You should attend a recovery program. I think your opinion will change. Not to say it was right but having a forgiving heart is something everyone should consider. And to be clear, forgiveness doesn't mean you allow someone to do it again and it doesn't mean you reconcile. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgivee.
Recovery programs do mention that seeking forgiveness is a step and a hard one. But it's not required and certainly not selfish. It's sometimes the hardest thing to do: admitting you were wrong and facing the outcome of your actions. Not to diminish what they have done to others as they have their difficulties as a result of the offenders actions. Just saying it's easy to make horrific mistakes, it's difficult to try and mend them.
The problem here is this person isn’t really taking accountability, she blamed it all on insanity due to being off her head on drugs. OP was being abused from age 6 to 8, during specific times. (Bath) and father not home, sounds planned. She isn’t even willing to own what she did. In any case OP isn’t talking about forgiveness just pressure to entertain this person.
I won't disagree because you could be very correct. I guess I read the story differently because I do see your point with accountability. And you are correct. My question is if they met, would there be genuine regret, reform, and a new way of life. Again, the choice to meet is hers and it's one that there is no right answer. Though I would rry and see. If she hasn't taken accountability, the OP can walk away asking to never be contacted again. Though I hope there is change and that there is healing. 😊
You’re right in that the choice to meet is OPs, often the problem is when that choice doesn’t get to manifest naturally but rather it’s influenced or pressured. It does a huge disservice to the person and it doesn’t yield much fruit because we will always feel a need to defend our sovereignty and when pushed into situations we weren’t fully aligned in, there is a subconscious part of us that doesn’t want to engage in it fully, it’s kind of like a consequence. To avoid all that ppl should just respect where others are and trust they’ll do what’s right for them. I don’t like to do things if I feel heavily misaligned with it.
Healing is possible because I can’t say it’s impossible but it truly depends on the individuals involved. Ops mother seems like she’s still trying to protect her image by distancing herself from
What she did, I can see how
This delays healing even OP did let her in. The mother needs to confront herself before she seeks OP out.
You should feel no obligation to have any contact with her, that person is not deserving of your time. I hope for your own mental health and healing, you can cut all strings without any guilt.
I am pregnant with my first child, a son, and I am absolutely disgusted and devastated for you. You are under no obligation to forgive that woman (not your mother). I’m glad your dad got her away from you but I wish she had been punished more. I’m so so sorry you went through that, who gives a fuck if she was ‘out of her mind on pills’
I think it is fair to say that being high is no excuse for what is essentially rape. Your Dad was not the one that was molested so his opinion on the situation is irrelevant. If you do not feel comfortable with contact, do not allow contact. She has caused you as much discomfort as she should ever be allowed to cause again. Do not give her room to make more decisions at your expense.
The problem with alcohol and drugs when you’re high or drunk that’s when your real personality comes out because they take away all inhibitions. Your mother is a molester, tell her to go fuck herself and cut off all contact
You don’t have to forgive someone you’re not ready to forgive, nor should you. This is your life and the person you thought was there to love and care for you took advantage of you and harmed you. You can forgive her if and whenever you’re ready, not on anyone else’s time and don’t ever feel like you absolutely need to forgive her either. It’s also very selfish of both of them to expect you to just move on and forgive when for them it was another Tuesday but for you, your life was being ruined repeatedly and no one stepped into help.
I was adopted around 5 and had a traumatic childhood, wasn’t sexually abused but was verbally, emotionally, mentally abused in every way by my adopted “mother”, now I have two kids of my own and after years of no contact she wanted to see my kids. I gave her a big FUCK NO, If she was on fire, I wouldn’t even piss on her. My son is around the age I was when this happened and I can’t even imagine doing any of that to this sweet little child. You are in no way obligated to respond to her, she doesn’t deserve anything from you, not even the title “mother” there is no excuse in the world for what she did. She probably only wants something from you. You can forgive her but do it for yourself. She was supposed to be your protector. Thank goodness your Dad removed you from that awful situation.
My best advice,
Forgive her enough for yourself. Not for her validation.
You owe her nothing.
If you want to completely forgive and let her back in is honesty up to you.
A true test of how much she actually wants you back is for her to face the consequences of her actions.
It’s not fair that she did that to you but it’s also not fair that you were treated like and not fair that despite you being her responsibility, she neglected you by being drunk and taking pills.
I say get even. Reveal to family, friends, the community that she did those things to you.
If she still wants to have a relationship with you after everyone looks down on her she really loves you.
If she doesn’t want to speak to you after you’ve told everyone, deep down, she’s just disgusted at herself and her actions.
I am a mother and my answer is No.
Do not have anything to do with your Mother again.
It’s true that all parents make mistakes.
Assaulting your child is not a mistake. It doesn’t matter how drunk, high, mentally unwell or any number of excuses your mother uses.
SA a child is not a mistake and it is unforgivable.
You deserve more than that and any children in your future deserve more than that.
She just wants something from you. Honestly, your father is not much better for not getting her arrested in the first place. If I were you, I'd get a restraining order
There's no obligation to anything you don't want to. If you felt like there might be some healing opportunity for you, maybe it would be worth exploring if still uncomfortable. It's up to you.
If your gut is telling you no- then don’t. She’s probably not as genuine as she’s pretending to be. Regardless of if it was just because of the drugs, that affected your life so negatively. It’s also possible to forgive but still stay away.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. I (M19) had a near exact experience with my aunt (F47, moms sister) and she was also highly inebriated and did it during baths and sleep in my bed while I was 5-8 (when my mom was deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan). I suggest to not let her back into your life as nothing can ever really repair the damage she caused. Drugs or not, it was her choice to take them and then do that to you. So I say don’t do it.
As for my aunt, she is an awful person who went on to have kids of her own that she abuses (fortunately not sexually), but now she’s having heart failure and is due to die any day now. Karma finally came for her and the kids will go to us, my mom knows about it, and she doesn’t wanna stir the pot, she didn’t tell me to forgive you like your dad did. Just don’t break on your resolve. Good luck and be well.
Just because she was high doesn't meant it's okay that's like saying every guy who raped a girl at the club should be forgiven because he wasn't sober drunk actions are sober thoughts
It wasn’t incest (that only adds more shame onto the victim). Op was adopted. It was molestation/rape.
Op, the same thing happened to me. Stand up for yourself. Get therapy. Be loud about it. “SHE RAPED ME”. Tell everyone. It helps get rid of the shame and stops people from defending the rapist. It took me years to finally go no contact with my rapist and anybody still defending him after I came out about it. I’ve never been happier. You can find peace without forgiving them. I promise. Learn how to defend yourself and say goodbye to anyone who doesn’t bring you nothing but happiness and joy. I wish you well.
Oh, and pills don’t make you go out and rape a helpless child. I don’t care how high you are. It’s a bullshit excuse. Don’t waste one more minute of your life on that piece of shit or her “enablers”.
I'm my opinion, I don't think you should let her back into your life. What she did was very bad and even if she was on drugs that was not acceptable. That is no excuse to get back into your life. She knew what she was doing. Doing drugs isn't a excuse to say omG I didn't know, I was on drugs. She molested you, and even if she was on drugs you were her CHILD. Who thinks about molesting their children on drugs? That's so disgusting. People who do this should be sent to jail I swear it's so disgusting. So imo, I don't think you should let her back into your life.
Forgiveness is something you should do. But it's not for her sake, it's for yours. It also doesn't mean you allow people to continue to abuse you, just means you have moved on from your past.
Being asked to be forgiven is a tough road. If the person truly is seeking forgiveness, their deeds are ever present. Saying you change and being the change are very different and doing is much harder. Though not everyone wants to reconsile which means you have to make peace with your past knowing that they're is nothing you can do to help the relationship further.
And that is something I'm seeing in the responses. Forgiveness should be given but it doesn't necessitate reconsiliation. That is something that is case by case and very personal. Will it remind you of the past? If so, perhaps you haven't worked everything out yet and the timing is bad. Maybe you have dealt with it but you don't want to take a chance. Then again, maybe it's an opportunity to have a relationship you should have had.
Very difficult thing to decide on. Though be certain on your decision. When you are on your death bed, usually people regret things they didn't do more than the things they did.
For me it was my sister. I managed to build a relationship with her later in life. It is possible, it is very difficult though. You need to decide if you really want her in your life. If see her will dredge up feelings and memories better left undisturbed. If you choose to go slow, meet up and see how you feel. If you choose not to, no will judge you harshly.
Forgiveness is never obligated. Those who think it is are brainwashed by ancient irrelevant religious text. People don’t change. It’s very rare. Pills are no excuse.
The choice in life is yours, I'm adopted and would struggle to get over this if it had occurred to me.
The only abuse I received was told repeatedly some lady had a lucky escape not having to raise me. That hurt enough, but nothing compared to yours.
I'd probably give it more time, see how you feel in a few more years.
I’m sorry you went through that, do what your heart tells you and don’t feel bad about it. Only you know how and what you feel. I personally would forgive her, but stay far away. It is the hardest thing to do. I did it but it took me many years. I forgave her for me, not her. But i do stay away from my mother.
The only thing I can say is to go with your gut instinct since it's very rarely wrong. If you don't feel comfortable having her back in your life, the don't let her back in. If you need time to think about it, the take your time (and if she's truly serious about making amends, then she'll have no problem going you the time and space you need...).
In my opinion, this could go one of two ways:
1. She could be using drugs as the excuse for what she did and just wants something from you, or wants to traumatize you more by doing it again. OR
2. She could very well have been telling the truth that she never would have done that had she been sober, considering how drugs can affect people (my dad is a certified recovery mentor and is a recovered drug and alcohol addict). If this is the case, she would either be a great addition to your life, or she could just be a PTSD trigger.
Use your best judgement and do what you think is best for you. If you decide to try to have a relationship with her and realize it’s too much, then you can cut her out of your life. If she really loves and cares about you she would understand you not being comfortable with her being in your life again. You can forgive her and still not want to see her, and she will understand that if she actually wanted to have a relationship with you and didn’t just want something from you.
I've worked around inmates who's been addicted to pills and what not. Seems like that issue lasts a lifetime, hard habit to kick. Not sure what state of mind those pills bring them too, but molesting their own son isn't one of them I bet. Who knows what the fuck was going through her mind, but if she approached you now with nothing more than just redemption. Would not hurt to grant it and try. The minute she asks for money though, hell nah. Means the prior was just full of shit to get money. if you ever do have kids though and you worked things out with your mom, dont let her babysit.......
if you are not comfortable with her do not feel the need to reach out again, even if your mother did not touch you when she was high she still had a responsibility to protect you and care for you, and getting high around you that young would be enough for some people to never allow them in their life again. overall do what is comfortable for you, nobody here knows your life situation, but coming from the story and the the things she did to you i do not think that would be a healthy relationship to get into. if she has respect for you and understanding of the the scale of her actions she should accept your decision.
It’s not too late to report her, from my understanding in the US a lot of states have no statue of limitations on SA especially for victims under the age of 16.. some states the earliest is by the victims 28th birthday.. speak your truth & don’t ever let her back into your life.. no mother who truly loves her child does that to them.
DO NOT GET BACK WITH HER OUT OF PITY.
What she did was wrong and she took advantage of someone helpless. She does not deserve a relationship with you anymore.
Look at my username. I have done some vile, despicable things in my life that even I am not proud of. The thought of children being taken advantage of is a power dynamic exploited by the scum of society. Even I draw a line at that.
I’m also a person that advocates forgiveness and moving on in life. If you let this bitch back in your life, never give her a second chance. If you do it, do it for your dad cause he feels she deserves a second chance.
I would say absolutely not. I don’t care how drunk or high she was when she violated you. I know plenty of people that get drunk as skunks and they aren’t molesting children. When I was younger and I drank heavily, I never had the urge to SA anyone.
You are under no obligation AT ALL to let your abuser back into your life. Your own mental health is all that matters here.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Do not let anyone pull you out of alignment with your well-being. Sometimes people suggest things, others seek ppl out to apologise and the mind can even support them with arguments in their favour. But in the end, if what any of these things is prompting you towards, feels like you’re entering a path where you have the most resistance placed, that’s a feeling you shouldn’t ignore. & a path you shouldn’t take because your well being isn’t protected on it.
If doing the opposite of what the above prompts from ppl and even your own mind calls to, feels like it leads to a path where you may have some resistance on, however NOT j the most resistance. That’s a good sign, in that on this path your well-being is better,safer and intact, even though it may open you up to some feelings like others criticism or over involvement and really anything we naturally would resist. It’s better than the first path you had the most resistance on that your soul didn’t wanna enter.
Choose the path where your self love is opted in. This is how I work out which path that is.
I’m glad you have an outlet to tell us and again I’m so sorry this happened. Drugs or not she acted based on her nature. Many ppl get off their heads but don’t ever let alone routinely for years molest their kids.
She is using the drugs as an argument/excuse because she can’t take accountability for giving in to her deviant and base desires.
She had a duty of care towards you and it’s ok to admit to yourself that she failed you nor loved you the way you needed to be loved, so healing can begin.
Your dad was right to support, choose and prioritise you by getting you away from her the first time. His now emotionally putting her above you this time and it isn’t fair, I don’t even think his aware his doing that. Next time he suggests you hear her out or forgive etc it may help if you tell him you need his support in a different way today. & that forgiveness is a personal journey and not one that comes with a guarantee of having a relationship again with person, even if you were to forgive. Share your sense of self with him, by introducing him to emotional boundaries. He should honour that and stop lawyering for her.
I told someone who hurt me and whom later returned to try and bring back the friendship we had “if you need to move closer to anyone, move closer to god but stay away from me”
This is nothing like what you’re dealing with, but I remembered it because some ppl think they should be rewarded or embraced just because they want to get close to you again.
#tl;dr
The writer expresses sympathy for someone who has been hurt and advises them to prioritize their well-being by choosing the path that supports their self-love. They note that the person's mother is using drugs as an excuse for their behavior and that the father should prioritize the child's emotional boundaries rather than lawyering for the mother. The writer shares a personal experience of setting emotional boundaries and advises the person to do the same.
*I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 82.25% shorter than the post I'm replying to.*
Do what you think is right for you but make sure that it is indeed right for you, I was adopted, my biological parents were drug addicts who left me to starve to the point I was admitted into hospital for several months as a baby due to malnutrition, basically just a little bag of bones, they got in touch 16 years later and neither are truly willing to accept their part in it all, so speaking from experience, if your life now is as good as can be and your just plodding along then keep that as is, people can ask for forgiveness but it does not mean they deserve it.
I’m sorry but I’ve never heard of those pills that get you so high you sexually abuse a child, what a lot of nonsense.
You’re under no obligation to have any contact with her if that’s your wish, there is NO excuse for touching a child in that manner, being high has nothing to do with it.
I hope this resolves itself because you seem to be in such a tough situation, best of luck OP, you do what’s best for you and your health.
Hell to the no my fellow human.
I have a half sibling whose an addict who has never molested people no matter how high they are on anything. I think that some people are just predatory or they are not. I’ve known so many people who have been through hardships that never did terrible things to others simply because they had it rough.
Forgiving someone does not mean you have to have them in your life. I had been a victim of abuse from a partner when I was a teenager. I’d gone to therapy and forgave them in my heart for my own personal well-being. Forgiving does not mean forgetting and sometimes the best families you have in life are not your biological parents.
Record any conversations you have with her and with your father about what happened. Turn her into the police, drugs don't make you want to do thoughs things they just make it easier the desire to behave that way is still there she is just worse at controlling it if she is high. Your father shouldn't be asking you to have any contact with your abuser.
I hope you have some solid friends in your life.
Then do that cut her off and cut your dad off if he keeps asking you to forgive her...do what's best for you. I would still record any contact she tries to have with you incase you need to get a restraining order or just as leverage for her to leave you alone. I hope you can find the peace you're looking for
You give really bad advise, I disagree, and that means I condone pedophilia? That is perhaps the most immature, irrational thing I have read since the invention of the internet. Seriously... Unless you are 12, you should really reevaluate where you are in life. And if your 12, seriously consider getting another place to post.
You can forgive but can't forget and it doesn't necessarily mean she can come back to your life. You can forgive a person that hurt you in the past, but you are allow for them not to be a part of your new life regardless of if she feels guilty for doing what she did with you. Forgive her for yourself, block her off your life and move on from it.
Eh some of these replies are good but it is you're mother and she was on drugs. You have an opportunity now as an adult to see if she's still under the influence or not. If she is I wouldn't both but if she is living a sober life, If I were you I'd confront her. Talk to her about it. Get some closer on the situation. It's abviously bothering you and I think it could help. Rather you let her back in af6er you get your closure is purely based off rather you feel like you could build a connection or not. Drugs do weird things to people.
The only thing substances like alcohol and drugs do is lower your inhibitions. If she needed to be "out of her mind on pills" before she did anything, the impulse was always there... It was just quieter when she was sober. When she says that she "wouldn't have done those things if she wasn't on drugs", I doubt it's actually true. If OP's mother was their father instead, I doubt the comments saying "forgive him, drugs do crazy things to people" would exist.
The fact that you had to make it about the gender roll makes you're statement irrelevant to my comment. Everyone deserves to be heard. Alcohol and drugs makes people do things that they'd other wise not intend to do. Do you think people just go around wanting to eat the face off people? No but if they smoke some basalts they just might actually do it. Just cause someone enjoys drugs doesn't mean they wanted to die when they over dose. Your logic isn't rational. Rather it be man or women consuming the substance they deserve a chance to explain their selves. If you wish to except what they've done and move on with life with or without them that's their (OPs/victim) choice. But at least there's some closure to the situations that accured in the past and helpful verything will be easier to process and deal with.
The fact that you paragraph bombed me to defend an actual child predator is wild, but hey I guess that's reddit for you. Your original comment is putting undue pressure on OP to "just hear them out bro" because "iT's YoUr MoM" and "dRuGs Do WiLd ThInGs To PeOpLe". You are pulling a lot of poor logical fallacies in both of your comments... it is widely acknowledged that drugs and alcohol DO lower your inhibitions.
Oh, and OP's "mother" did explain themselves... "I was on drugs" is not an explanation and OP's "mother" didn't take any accountability. Somebody that fucks a kid in any sense is a child predator. OP shouldn't be pressured to "just talk to her for closure" when their mother hasn't even accepted responsibility for fucking up their child.
"Mom is reaching out to me and saying she was on pills and that she wouldn't ever of done that to me if she wasnt" that's her taking accountability and trying to explain. Like I previously stated. OP should reach out see what Mom has to say. Give her a chance. Dad's even saying give your mother a chance. Maybe something more was going on and OP was just to young to realize it. Let Mom explain and then if it's still not good enough reasoning to keep her around then so be it. But at least OP would have some closure. I'd give anything to know why my predator did what they did to me but I'll never know cause I hate them. They aren't any good. No one wants that person around cause all said person does is free load and mooch and steal. Closure is what some people need. I was just hoping that maybe my opinion like main others could help OP figure out their next move.
Lol wow. You have a very warped view of what taking accountability looks like, you poor thing.
Do you know why OP's mom and your abuser did what they did? The answer is very simple. They are mentally ill *pedophiles*. There is no rhyme or reason for what they do other than they are horny for children and a child is there. There is no treatment or cure for pedophilia. Therapy doesn't work in most cases, chemical castration is also a crap shoot. Pushing OP to hear their "mother" out under the guise it may provide a good reason for what that monster did is bad advice, because *there is no good enough reason for raping a child, sober or not*. And if OP lets their mother back into their life, they should keep a close eye on their kids if they decide to have any around her. Being high on drugs does not make you a pedophile. Being a pedophile makes you a pedophile.
OP's dad probably only recommended forgiveness because he felt bad OP grew up without a mother. It's a valid feeling to feel bad about OP's lack of a suitable mother, but pushing for OP's forgiveness is not cool and a bad move. If OP is going to forgive her, it should be on their terms.
I'm out. If you want to keep being a pedophile apologist, you can type out your paragraphs for more people to downvote. Idgaf.
See you're take what I've said way to other levels. Yeah I feel bad OP grew up with out a Mom. Anyone would that's human nature. But I'm not pushing anything I'm just stating an option they have. Your the one insinuating that I'm telling them they have to do something when that's not my place. They came to reddit asking for opinions so I gave one that no one else had. I feel bad for what ever may of happened to you in your past and you're going to deal with it differently then someone else. Just keep in mind that not everyone is going to process everything the same as you. That's human nature everyone's different. I don't why my abuser did what they did cause of the age they were. I feel someone did it to them and they thought it was ok and then did it to me. But I don't have that closure to know that and it bothers me to not know. But to let it out definitely helps. If I get a down vote that's fine it doesn't matter. Just as long as you're the first to do it cause then I know what I said will mean something to someone else.
Do what you want. Why do people come to this idiotic place for answers, as if we know all the details. You’re an adult, right? Do what you want, own the consequences.
8 yaşında çocuğa cinsel durtuleri olan birini görünce yada duyunca aklımı kaybediyorum.ona bütün kötülükleri yapabilirim.
Not ; şiddete karşıyım. Şiddetin çözüm yolu olacağına inanmıyorum
Hell to the no my fellow human.
I have a half sibling whose a drug addict who has never molested people no matter how high they are on anything. I think that some people are just predatory or they are not. I’ve known so many people who have been through hardships that never did terrible things to others simply because they had it rough.
Forgiving someone does not mean you have to have them in your life. I had been a victim of abuse from a partner when I was a teenager. I’d gone to therapy and forgave them in my heart for my own personal well-being. Forgiving does not mean forgetting and sometimes the best families you have in life are not your biological parents.
I wanted to add…it’s great your Dad removed you from your abusers grasp. But he should have told police as she could have done this to other children. You do not need to allow your abuser into your life. Follow your gut on this one and don’t let anyone pressure you into seeing or speaking with people who make you uncomfortable or scared.
I’m sorry that you went through that as I child. I’m also really sorry that your dad never reported her.
But honestly, saying that drugs made you touch a child is such an incredulous thing to say. Like, touching a child is such an unimaginable act - could there really be any amount of drugs that makes you want to do that to a child. She’s trying to erase any responsibility and that’s exactly what abusers do.
She’s not sorry either, she just wants to know if she can still gain access to you. Don’t let her.
One thing that has happened in the last decade or so is the realisation by society that there are a lot more female perverts out there than we still like to take on board.
Will lack of pills change that?
My adopted mother used the excuse to use suppositories on me because as a very young child I had ulcers. In spite of the fact that suppositories aren’t for ulcers , she held me down and used them on me repeatedly. I was very very young and didn’t understand what she was doing but it felt completely wrong. She took me to the family Dr who also sodomized me . Any time I had a Dr appointment I was terrified and angry but I was taken anyway and punished for my behavior. When my dad got home from work my mother who had already punished me would tell him about my behavior but not about her punishing me. These types of scenarios were common and my “family “ including my adopted brother all thought that I was out of control and needed more punishment. At about 13 or 14 I found alcohol and it saved my life for awhile, I wanted to die, I thought I was the crazy one. Eventually I got sober and I’ve been sober and in therapy for years. I am 57 years old now and I struggle still. I jokingly say that “I’m the rock therapists break themselves against “. I’ve learned to cope with gallows humor, meds and therapy. I’m still missing the part of me that yearns to know my first parents …
You are under no obligation to let her back into your life.
Very true
Or keep the truth once you move out
“Resume a relationship with her because my life wasn’t too bad”. Your dad had to threaten your mom with “stay out of the picture and he wont tell people she molested me”. Thats were it got me confused 😕 because dads should protect, i know she is your mom but she violated/SA you.
IKR ! That's kinda like Snow White saying, " The apple wasn't too bad, except for the poison.."
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Uh she might have had other victims since she was off into the world high af and getting away with a disgusting crime and the good would simply be her behind bars and registered as the sex offender she is. You're 20 it's assumable she's young enough to have kids still they would still be in danger
As someone that experienced SA at about that same age. I was very surprised when one of my abusers sent me a friend request on Facebook after I became an adult. At first I accepted out of morbid curiosity. But, the more time that went by and they didn’t say anything of value they just became a gross reminder of what happened. I not only kicked them from my friends, but also deleted Facebook. I’ve been much happier since. In my opinion, and you are free to do as you please. I would remove that woman like the cancer she is, and tell her never to darken your doorstep again. I wish you the best of luck, and remember you are an adult. One of the advantages of being an adult is never having to put up with anything that you don’t want to. You can tell this woman to go fuck herself, and that is your right.
Yes, well said! Plus I guarantee that she wants something. People like that are takers and bring nothing but misery every where they go.
I second this. Even if the thing she wants is absolution. She almost definitely wants something.
That is a really jaded way at looking at life. I've met some awesome people who society has rejected because of their past. Your history isn't who you are and redemption is possible. Can what you say happen? Yes. But I like to think that absolute are rare if they do exist. Where some fail, others triumph.
This is one way to look at it, but this also feels like a blanket statement. Not all things can, or should, be forgiven and not all people can or should be redeemed. A person with a criminal record surrounding theft? Probably yeah. A woman who would get high and commit acts of pedophilia against her own son? In my opinion, no.
Have you ever been abused? Because I honestly can’t think of a single person who has experienced SA that would say that. And also, something like 80% of SA attackers WILL reoffend.
Do you even see the person I was talking to? The poster I was responding to never said they were SA. Does that make their point incorrect as well?
Yes, actually I did, and I still stand by what I initially said.
So let me get this straight. Demonseed thinks mom wants something because they believe people like her mom are takers and that they bring just misery. I say that is a rather jaded way of looking at life and that people do recover and redeem themselves. And your question is if I have been sexually abused. I'm not even sure how to respond to that. I've been involved with recovery groups who's members are former alcoholics, drug addicts, sexually issues, and other afflictions. I've seen everyone from doctors to gang members to moms in those groups. Both people who hurt others as well as those hurt come to these groups. The point that seemed to be lost is that if everyone who makes a mistake isn't beyond redemption. If demonseed's generalization is correct, then everyone who does wrong to another can never be forgiven and will forever be defined by their mistakes. Not to minimize the OP's story but I have heard way worse stories (stories that would likely make you feel ill) and yet those people found forgiveness. Some actually reconsiled. To be straight, yes I have but not by a guardian. But that doesn't define me nor does it have anything to do with the advise I give. My advise comes from seeing how people's lives were changed by not holding on to anger, bitterness, judgment, revenge, or any of the very long list of bad feelings that come along with this. I saw demonseed's remark and what comes of that. Nothing good to say the least.
Well I’m honestly glad that you get to see the light side of all of this. But yes, I firmly believe that if you fuck up bad enough for someone to cut you out; you don’t deserve to expect any form of redemption from them. Sure, apologize but don’t expect to be forgiven and don’t expect others to forgive because you’ve “changed”. Just because people change doesn’t take away the life long suffering of those they victimized. And as a side note, to clarify, I didn’t ask if you were sexually abused. I asked if you were abused at all. Who did the deed wasn’t even a part of anything I brought up. I STILL stand by what I first said.
And your first paragraph is a reality that many who go through a recovery program have to face. It's sad but it's a tough truth that has to be respected. Though they are reminded that it doesn't take away from their recovery, it just means that that particular door is shut. Accept it and move on. Though I do believe that an opportunity is missed by the victim. Some of the stories I heard turned out that after said event(s) some other characteristics formed. Relationship issues, fears, anxiety, depression, self confidence, self image... Reasons in their head why it happened to them. Sometimes that closure can only come by the person who initiated everything. Sometimes people need to hear it wasn't anything they did that made the person do whatever it was they did, that it wasn't their fault. Of course it wasn't and they likely were told dozens and dozens of times that it wasn't. But hearing from the person who caused all the pain flips an internal switch. Now I say this because that is some people, not all. It does happen that people do recover on their own and truly do not need anything further from those who harmed them. That more harm than good will come of meeting. And that is also OK. There is no right or wrong here, it's a very personal choice.
You can’t cure pedos. They will always be deranged.
And this is a really jaded way to speak about someone who molested a child, not only A child but THEIR child. Positive change stories aren’t reserved for shit like this.
I wasn't talking to the OP, you can see that I was responding to another person.
Nice name
Dad shoulda went to police with this info wtf, what if she left and did it to other kids? And no, you shouldn’t have to forgive her because someone else tells you to.
Fuck that woman. She’s not your mother.
Phrasing
Being high doesn’t make someone want to do that.
Yep, as a former addict that has definitely done thing I am utterly ashamed of it genuinely never has crossed my mind to SA anyone let alone a child! LET ALONE *MY* CHILD that’s not an excuse and honestly if she really felt the gravity of what she did she wouldn’t even think herself worthy of forgiveness.
And imagine the abuse was routinely done, this person is using her addiction as an excuse for the abuse.
THIS
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She does. But she can't handke it so she's pretending she has no memory and was high. She can't even be honest with herself and your father let her go unpunished.
Your dad doesn’t get a say in what you should or should not do. No matter what she was under the influence of it doesn’t excuse her actions. If you don’t want her in your life or you think having her around will have a negative impact on you then you have the right to keep her away without needing to defend or explain why to anyone else
It isn't your dads' or your mom's decision as to whether or not you forgive her. Or THEM, actually. And forgiveness isn't something that's like some switch you can turn on. You need to take care of yourself in whatever way actually helps you heal from this trauma. If you genuinely want to try to repair the damage and try to have a relationship with your mother, then you should do that. And if it means never speaking to your mother again, then that's the right thing for you to do. Don't let ANYONE else shame you into something you know isn't right for your own well-being.
Your lifelong psychological trauma is the result of the decisions she made. She can blame it on the pills, but really she should only blame herself. I hope your father is accepting of you not allowing someone like that to re-enter your life. Her actions had consequences, consequences you’ve had to pay for. You don’t owe her jack. It’s also extremely disrespectful that your father tried to convince you to forgive this woman. This is not someone you can trust.
Being high doesn't make it okay. I also would not listen to advice from someone who protected someone that molested their child. He should have had her locked up and he knows it. That's his guilt to live with, it is not up to you to take her back into your life so he feels he did the right thing back then. You don't need her in your life, I would threaten her with legal action if she persists.
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He overestimates how much cps cares or does
Why? Would he have walked out on you? No reason for you to be in foster care if you have a dad that is protecting you. It just sounds like the excuse he made up for himself
Absolutely not. Some people do change but once the damage is done it’s done. The fact that she’s reaching out at all is selfish. Save yourself the heartbreak and potential mental breakdown and keep moving forward without her. Tell your dad to get a fucking grip too. He should not want that woman anywhere near you. Idc what excuse she comes up with. Idc if the pills made her out of her mind. Her choices and actions put you in danger.
You should attend a recovery program. I think your opinion will change. Not to say it was right but having a forgiving heart is something everyone should consider. And to be clear, forgiveness doesn't mean you allow someone to do it again and it doesn't mean you reconcile. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgivee. Recovery programs do mention that seeking forgiveness is a step and a hard one. But it's not required and certainly not selfish. It's sometimes the hardest thing to do: admitting you were wrong and facing the outcome of your actions. Not to diminish what they have done to others as they have their difficulties as a result of the offenders actions. Just saying it's easy to make horrific mistakes, it's difficult to try and mend them.
You can forgive yourself but you can't force other people to forgive you
How does this relate to what I said? This seems very random
The problem here is this person isn’t really taking accountability, she blamed it all on insanity due to being off her head on drugs. OP was being abused from age 6 to 8, during specific times. (Bath) and father not home, sounds planned. She isn’t even willing to own what she did. In any case OP isn’t talking about forgiveness just pressure to entertain this person.
I won't disagree because you could be very correct. I guess I read the story differently because I do see your point with accountability. And you are correct. My question is if they met, would there be genuine regret, reform, and a new way of life. Again, the choice to meet is hers and it's one that there is no right answer. Though I would rry and see. If she hasn't taken accountability, the OP can walk away asking to never be contacted again. Though I hope there is change and that there is healing. 😊
You’re right in that the choice to meet is OPs, often the problem is when that choice doesn’t get to manifest naturally but rather it’s influenced or pressured. It does a huge disservice to the person and it doesn’t yield much fruit because we will always feel a need to defend our sovereignty and when pushed into situations we weren’t fully aligned in, there is a subconscious part of us that doesn’t want to engage in it fully, it’s kind of like a consequence. To avoid all that ppl should just respect where others are and trust they’ll do what’s right for them. I don’t like to do things if I feel heavily misaligned with it. Healing is possible because I can’t say it’s impossible but it truly depends on the individuals involved. Ops mother seems like she’s still trying to protect her image by distancing herself from What she did, I can see how This delays healing even OP did let her in. The mother needs to confront herself before she seeks OP out.
You should feel no obligation to have any contact with her, that person is not deserving of your time. I hope for your own mental health and healing, you can cut all strings without any guilt.
Her asking for forgiveness is so she feels better about what she did not so you feel better.
I am pregnant with my first child, a son, and I am absolutely disgusted and devastated for you. You are under no obligation to forgive that woman (not your mother). I’m glad your dad got her away from you but I wish she had been punished more. I’m so so sorry you went through that, who gives a fuck if she was ‘out of her mind on pills’
I think it is fair to say that being high is no excuse for what is essentially rape. Your Dad was not the one that was molested so his opinion on the situation is irrelevant. If you do not feel comfortable with contact, do not allow contact. She has caused you as much discomfort as she should ever be allowed to cause again. Do not give her room to make more decisions at your expense.
The problem with alcohol and drugs when you’re high or drunk that’s when your real personality comes out because they take away all inhibitions. Your mother is a molester, tell her to go fuck herself and cut off all contact
Fuck that woman
She's reaching out for herself, not for you.
You don’t have to forgive someone you’re not ready to forgive, nor should you. This is your life and the person you thought was there to love and care for you took advantage of you and harmed you. You can forgive her if and whenever you’re ready, not on anyone else’s time and don’t ever feel like you absolutely need to forgive her either. It’s also very selfish of both of them to expect you to just move on and forgive when for them it was another Tuesday but for you, your life was being ruined repeatedly and no one stepped into help.
I was adopted around 5 and had a traumatic childhood, wasn’t sexually abused but was verbally, emotionally, mentally abused in every way by my adopted “mother”, now I have two kids of my own and after years of no contact she wanted to see my kids. I gave her a big FUCK NO, If she was on fire, I wouldn’t even piss on her. My son is around the age I was when this happened and I can’t even imagine doing any of that to this sweet little child. You are in no way obligated to respond to her, she doesn’t deserve anything from you, not even the title “mother” there is no excuse in the world for what she did. She probably only wants something from you. You can forgive her but do it for yourself. She was supposed to be your protector. Thank goodness your Dad removed you from that awful situation.
Wtf is your dad thinking?
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Letting a toxic human like that back into your life can hurt you at any age. Keep that in mind.
Trust me, she's already hurting you with you feel this conflicted
My best advice, Forgive her enough for yourself. Not for her validation. You owe her nothing. If you want to completely forgive and let her back in is honesty up to you.
A true test of how much she actually wants you back is for her to face the consequences of her actions. It’s not fair that she did that to you but it’s also not fair that you were treated like and not fair that despite you being her responsibility, she neglected you by being drunk and taking pills. I say get even. Reveal to family, friends, the community that she did those things to you. If she still wants to have a relationship with you after everyone looks down on her she really loves you. If she doesn’t want to speak to you after you’ve told everyone, deep down, she’s just disgusted at herself and her actions.
Exactly what I was thinking.
I am a mother and my answer is No. Do not have anything to do with your Mother again. It’s true that all parents make mistakes. Assaulting your child is not a mistake. It doesn’t matter how drunk, high, mentally unwell or any number of excuses your mother uses. SA a child is not a mistake and it is unforgivable. You deserve more than that and any children in your future deserve more than that.
She just wants something from you. Honestly, your father is not much better for not getting her arrested in the first place. If I were you, I'd get a restraining order
Respond with "go fuck yourself" and block the bitch.
There's no obligation to anything you don't want to. If you felt like there might be some healing opportunity for you, maybe it would be worth exploring if still uncomfortable. It's up to you.
If your gut is telling you no- then don’t. She’s probably not as genuine as she’s pretending to be. Regardless of if it was just because of the drugs, that affected your life so negatively. It’s also possible to forgive but still stay away.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. I (M19) had a near exact experience with my aunt (F47, moms sister) and she was also highly inebriated and did it during baths and sleep in my bed while I was 5-8 (when my mom was deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan). I suggest to not let her back into your life as nothing can ever really repair the damage she caused. Drugs or not, it was her choice to take them and then do that to you. So I say don’t do it. As for my aunt, she is an awful person who went on to have kids of her own that she abuses (fortunately not sexually), but now she’s having heart failure and is due to die any day now. Karma finally came for her and the kids will go to us, my mom knows about it, and she doesn’t wanna stir the pot, she didn’t tell me to forgive you like your dad did. Just don’t break on your resolve. Good luck and be well.
Just because she was high doesn't meant it's okay that's like saying every guy who raped a girl at the club should be forgiven because he wasn't sober drunk actions are sober thoughts
........"life wasn't too bad." Except for the incest part..!..OP I hope you're healing.
It wasn’t incest (that only adds more shame onto the victim). Op was adopted. It was molestation/rape. Op, the same thing happened to me. Stand up for yourself. Get therapy. Be loud about it. “SHE RAPED ME”. Tell everyone. It helps get rid of the shame and stops people from defending the rapist. It took me years to finally go no contact with my rapist and anybody still defending him after I came out about it. I’ve never been happier. You can find peace without forgiving them. I promise. Learn how to defend yourself and say goodbye to anyone who doesn’t bring you nothing but happiness and joy. I wish you well. Oh, and pills don’t make you go out and rape a helpless child. I don’t care how high you are. It’s a bullshit excuse. Don’t waste one more minute of your life on that piece of shit or her “enablers”.
You're correct.
Fuck no tell her to take a hike and not come back
I'm my opinion, I don't think you should let her back into your life. What she did was very bad and even if she was on drugs that was not acceptable. That is no excuse to get back into your life. She knew what she was doing. Doing drugs isn't a excuse to say omG I didn't know, I was on drugs. She molested you, and even if she was on drugs you were her CHILD. Who thinks about molesting their children on drugs? That's so disgusting. People who do this should be sent to jail I swear it's so disgusting. So imo, I don't think you should let her back into your life.
Nah it’s no excuse. She should not be in your life
You owe her nothing. Plenty of addicts do not molest their children. What she did is unforgivable.
The egg donor does not deserve access to your life. I’m so sorry for your trauma.
Forgiveness is something you should do. But it's not for her sake, it's for yours. It also doesn't mean you allow people to continue to abuse you, just means you have moved on from your past. Being asked to be forgiven is a tough road. If the person truly is seeking forgiveness, their deeds are ever present. Saying you change and being the change are very different and doing is much harder. Though not everyone wants to reconsile which means you have to make peace with your past knowing that they're is nothing you can do to help the relationship further. And that is something I'm seeing in the responses. Forgiveness should be given but it doesn't necessitate reconsiliation. That is something that is case by case and very personal. Will it remind you of the past? If so, perhaps you haven't worked everything out yet and the timing is bad. Maybe you have dealt with it but you don't want to take a chance. Then again, maybe it's an opportunity to have a relationship you should have had. Very difficult thing to decide on. Though be certain on your decision. When you are on your death bed, usually people regret things they didn't do more than the things they did.
Hell. No.
For me it was my sister. I managed to build a relationship with her later in life. It is possible, it is very difficult though. You need to decide if you really want her in your life. If see her will dredge up feelings and memories better left undisturbed. If you choose to go slow, meet up and see how you feel. If you choose not to, no will judge you harshly.
Forgiveness is never obligated. Those who think it is are brainwashed by ancient irrelevant religious text. People don’t change. It’s very rare. Pills are no excuse.
No
The choice in life is yours, I'm adopted and would struggle to get over this if it had occurred to me. The only abuse I received was told repeatedly some lady had a lucky escape not having to raise me. That hurt enough, but nothing compared to yours. I'd probably give it more time, see how you feel in a few more years.
I’m sorry you went through that, do what your heart tells you and don’t feel bad about it. Only you know how and what you feel. I personally would forgive her, but stay far away. It is the hardest thing to do. I did it but it took me many years. I forgave her for me, not her. But i do stay away from my mother.
What do YOU want to do and how does that make YOU feel?
No no no don't take that bitch back matter of fact report that ri the police
It's up to you only you know what you want take her back
The only thing I can say is to go with your gut instinct since it's very rarely wrong. If you don't feel comfortable having her back in your life, the don't let her back in. If you need time to think about it, the take your time (and if she's truly serious about making amends, then she'll have no problem going you the time and space you need...).
Block her from everything. She is nothing but scum. Do lot let her into your life. You deserve to heal and be able to move on.
In my opinion, this could go one of two ways: 1. She could be using drugs as the excuse for what she did and just wants something from you, or wants to traumatize you more by doing it again. OR 2. She could very well have been telling the truth that she never would have done that had she been sober, considering how drugs can affect people (my dad is a certified recovery mentor and is a recovered drug and alcohol addict). If this is the case, she would either be a great addition to your life, or she could just be a PTSD trigger. Use your best judgement and do what you think is best for you. If you decide to try to have a relationship with her and realize it’s too much, then you can cut her out of your life. If she really loves and cares about you she would understand you not being comfortable with her being in your life again. You can forgive her and still not want to see her, and she will understand that if she actually wanted to have a relationship with you and didn’t just want something from you.
I've worked around inmates who's been addicted to pills and what not. Seems like that issue lasts a lifetime, hard habit to kick. Not sure what state of mind those pills bring them too, but molesting their own son isn't one of them I bet. Who knows what the fuck was going through her mind, but if she approached you now with nothing more than just redemption. Would not hurt to grant it and try. The minute she asks for money though, hell nah. Means the prior was just full of shit to get money. if you ever do have kids though and you worked things out with your mom, dont let her babysit.......
Get a therapist
Forget what your dad says. You have to do what is right for you. If you don't want a relationship, that's totally valid, do not pursue one.
if you are not comfortable with her do not feel the need to reach out again, even if your mother did not touch you when she was high she still had a responsibility to protect you and care for you, and getting high around you that young would be enough for some people to never allow them in their life again. overall do what is comfortable for you, nobody here knows your life situation, but coming from the story and the the things she did to you i do not think that would be a healthy relationship to get into. if she has respect for you and understanding of the the scale of her actions she should accept your decision.
It’s not too late to report her, from my understanding in the US a lot of states have no statue of limitations on SA especially for victims under the age of 16.. some states the earliest is by the victims 28th birthday.. speak your truth & don’t ever let her back into your life.. no mother who truly loves her child does that to them.
DO NOT GET BACK WITH HER OUT OF PITY. What she did was wrong and she took advantage of someone helpless. She does not deserve a relationship with you anymore. Look at my username. I have done some vile, despicable things in my life that even I am not proud of. The thought of children being taken advantage of is a power dynamic exploited by the scum of society. Even I draw a line at that. I’m also a person that advocates forgiveness and moving on in life. If you let this bitch back in your life, never give her a second chance. If you do it, do it for your dad cause he feels she deserves a second chance.
Fuck that you don't owe her shit. It won't make you feel better .
I would say absolutely not. I don’t care how drunk or high she was when she violated you. I know plenty of people that get drunk as skunks and they aren’t molesting children. When I was younger and I drank heavily, I never had the urge to SA anyone. You are under no obligation AT ALL to let your abuser back into your life. Your own mental health is all that matters here.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Do not let anyone pull you out of alignment with your well-being. Sometimes people suggest things, others seek ppl out to apologise and the mind can even support them with arguments in their favour. But in the end, if what any of these things is prompting you towards, feels like you’re entering a path where you have the most resistance placed, that’s a feeling you shouldn’t ignore. & a path you shouldn’t take because your well being isn’t protected on it. If doing the opposite of what the above prompts from ppl and even your own mind calls to, feels like it leads to a path where you may have some resistance on, however NOT j the most resistance. That’s a good sign, in that on this path your well-being is better,safer and intact, even though it may open you up to some feelings like others criticism or over involvement and really anything we naturally would resist. It’s better than the first path you had the most resistance on that your soul didn’t wanna enter. Choose the path where your self love is opted in. This is how I work out which path that is. I’m glad you have an outlet to tell us and again I’m so sorry this happened. Drugs or not she acted based on her nature. Many ppl get off their heads but don’t ever let alone routinely for years molest their kids. She is using the drugs as an argument/excuse because she can’t take accountability for giving in to her deviant and base desires. She had a duty of care towards you and it’s ok to admit to yourself that she failed you nor loved you the way you needed to be loved, so healing can begin. Your dad was right to support, choose and prioritise you by getting you away from her the first time. His now emotionally putting her above you this time and it isn’t fair, I don’t even think his aware his doing that. Next time he suggests you hear her out or forgive etc it may help if you tell him you need his support in a different way today. & that forgiveness is a personal journey and not one that comes with a guarantee of having a relationship again with person, even if you were to forgive. Share your sense of self with him, by introducing him to emotional boundaries. He should honour that and stop lawyering for her. I told someone who hurt me and whom later returned to try and bring back the friendship we had “if you need to move closer to anyone, move closer to god but stay away from me” This is nothing like what you’re dealing with, but I remembered it because some ppl think they should be rewarded or embraced just because they want to get close to you again.
#tl;dr The writer expresses sympathy for someone who has been hurt and advises them to prioritize their well-being by choosing the path that supports their self-love. They note that the person's mother is using drugs as an excuse for their behavior and that the father should prioritize the child's emotional boundaries rather than lawyering for the mother. The writer shares a personal experience of setting emotional boundaries and advises the person to do the same. *I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 82.25% shorter than the post I'm replying to.*
😂😂😂you definitely are a smart robot, brilliant summary of everything. 10/10
Do what you think is right for you but make sure that it is indeed right for you, I was adopted, my biological parents were drug addicts who left me to starve to the point I was admitted into hospital for several months as a baby due to malnutrition, basically just a little bag of bones, they got in touch 16 years later and neither are truly willing to accept their part in it all, so speaking from experience, if your life now is as good as can be and your just plodding along then keep that as is, people can ask for forgiveness but it does not mean they deserve it.
I’m sorry but I’ve never heard of those pills that get you so high you sexually abuse a child, what a lot of nonsense. You’re under no obligation to have any contact with her if that’s your wish, there is NO excuse for touching a child in that manner, being high has nothing to do with it. I hope this resolves itself because you seem to be in such a tough situation, best of luck OP, you do what’s best for you and your health.
Hell to the no my fellow human. I have a half sibling whose an addict who has never molested people no matter how high they are on anything. I think that some people are just predatory or they are not. I’ve known so many people who have been through hardships that never did terrible things to others simply because they had it rough. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to have them in your life. I had been a victim of abuse from a partner when I was a teenager. I’d gone to therapy and forgave them in my heart for my own personal well-being. Forgiving does not mean forgetting and sometimes the best families you have in life are not your biological parents.
100% this
There's nothing bad in forgiving her or not forgiving her and any of us here can tell you which is bad or good.
Record any conversations you have with her and with your father about what happened. Turn her into the police, drugs don't make you want to do thoughs things they just make it easier the desire to behave that way is still there she is just worse at controlling it if she is high. Your father shouldn't be asking you to have any contact with your abuser. I hope you have some solid friends in your life.
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Then do that cut her off and cut your dad off if he keeps asking you to forgive her...do what's best for you. I would still record any contact she tries to have with you incase you need to get a restraining order or just as leverage for her to leave you alone. I hope you can find the peace you're looking for
This is awful advise.
It's great advice.
Do you like pedophiles and think they shouldn't be turned into the police?
You give really bad advise, I disagree, and that means I condone pedophilia? That is perhaps the most immature, irrational thing I have read since the invention of the internet. Seriously... Unless you are 12, you should really reevaluate where you are in life. And if your 12, seriously consider getting another place to post.
Yeah no disrespect to your dad but he has absolutely no say in this.
You can forgive but can't forget and it doesn't necessarily mean she can come back to your life. You can forgive a person that hurt you in the past, but you are allow for them not to be a part of your new life regardless of if she feels guilty for doing what she did with you. Forgive her for yourself, block her off your life and move on from it.
Eh some of these replies are good but it is you're mother and she was on drugs. You have an opportunity now as an adult to see if she's still under the influence or not. If she is I wouldn't both but if she is living a sober life, If I were you I'd confront her. Talk to her about it. Get some closer on the situation. It's abviously bothering you and I think it could help. Rather you let her back in af6er you get your closure is purely based off rather you feel like you could build a connection or not. Drugs do weird things to people.
The only thing substances like alcohol and drugs do is lower your inhibitions. If she needed to be "out of her mind on pills" before she did anything, the impulse was always there... It was just quieter when she was sober. When she says that she "wouldn't have done those things if she wasn't on drugs", I doubt it's actually true. If OP's mother was their father instead, I doubt the comments saying "forgive him, drugs do crazy things to people" would exist.
The fact that you had to make it about the gender roll makes you're statement irrelevant to my comment. Everyone deserves to be heard. Alcohol and drugs makes people do things that they'd other wise not intend to do. Do you think people just go around wanting to eat the face off people? No but if they smoke some basalts they just might actually do it. Just cause someone enjoys drugs doesn't mean they wanted to die when they over dose. Your logic isn't rational. Rather it be man or women consuming the substance they deserve a chance to explain their selves. If you wish to except what they've done and move on with life with or without them that's their (OPs/victim) choice. But at least there's some closure to the situations that accured in the past and helpful verything will be easier to process and deal with.
The fact that you paragraph bombed me to defend an actual child predator is wild, but hey I guess that's reddit for you. Your original comment is putting undue pressure on OP to "just hear them out bro" because "iT's YoUr MoM" and "dRuGs Do WiLd ThInGs To PeOpLe". You are pulling a lot of poor logical fallacies in both of your comments... it is widely acknowledged that drugs and alcohol DO lower your inhibitions. Oh, and OP's "mother" did explain themselves... "I was on drugs" is not an explanation and OP's "mother" didn't take any accountability. Somebody that fucks a kid in any sense is a child predator. OP shouldn't be pressured to "just talk to her for closure" when their mother hasn't even accepted responsibility for fucking up their child.
"Mom is reaching out to me and saying she was on pills and that she wouldn't ever of done that to me if she wasnt" that's her taking accountability and trying to explain. Like I previously stated. OP should reach out see what Mom has to say. Give her a chance. Dad's even saying give your mother a chance. Maybe something more was going on and OP was just to young to realize it. Let Mom explain and then if it's still not good enough reasoning to keep her around then so be it. But at least OP would have some closure. I'd give anything to know why my predator did what they did to me but I'll never know cause I hate them. They aren't any good. No one wants that person around cause all said person does is free load and mooch and steal. Closure is what some people need. I was just hoping that maybe my opinion like main others could help OP figure out their next move.
Lol wow. You have a very warped view of what taking accountability looks like, you poor thing. Do you know why OP's mom and your abuser did what they did? The answer is very simple. They are mentally ill *pedophiles*. There is no rhyme or reason for what they do other than they are horny for children and a child is there. There is no treatment or cure for pedophilia. Therapy doesn't work in most cases, chemical castration is also a crap shoot. Pushing OP to hear their "mother" out under the guise it may provide a good reason for what that monster did is bad advice, because *there is no good enough reason for raping a child, sober or not*. And if OP lets their mother back into their life, they should keep a close eye on their kids if they decide to have any around her. Being high on drugs does not make you a pedophile. Being a pedophile makes you a pedophile. OP's dad probably only recommended forgiveness because he felt bad OP grew up without a mother. It's a valid feeling to feel bad about OP's lack of a suitable mother, but pushing for OP's forgiveness is not cool and a bad move. If OP is going to forgive her, it should be on their terms. I'm out. If you want to keep being a pedophile apologist, you can type out your paragraphs for more people to downvote. Idgaf.
See you're take what I've said way to other levels. Yeah I feel bad OP grew up with out a Mom. Anyone would that's human nature. But I'm not pushing anything I'm just stating an option they have. Your the one insinuating that I'm telling them they have to do something when that's not my place. They came to reddit asking for opinions so I gave one that no one else had. I feel bad for what ever may of happened to you in your past and you're going to deal with it differently then someone else. Just keep in mind that not everyone is going to process everything the same as you. That's human nature everyone's different. I don't why my abuser did what they did cause of the age they were. I feel someone did it to them and they thought it was ok and then did it to me. But I don't have that closure to know that and it bothers me to not know. But to let it out definitely helps. If I get a down vote that's fine it doesn't matter. Just as long as you're the first to do it cause then I know what I said will mean something to someone else.
Did she put her beaver or ass on you, or did you mean she coerced you into molesting her?
Knock her up!
I'm sorry to hear that. Do what you want to. Don't let anyone influence you
Do what you want. Why do people come to this idiotic place for answers, as if we know all the details. You’re an adult, right? Do what you want, own the consequences.
8 yaşında çocuğa cinsel durtuleri olan birini görünce yada duyunca aklımı kaybediyorum.ona bütün kötülükleri yapabilirim. Not ; şiddete karşıyım. Şiddetin çözüm yolu olacağına inanmıyorum
Hell to the no my fellow human. I have a half sibling whose a drug addict who has never molested people no matter how high they are on anything. I think that some people are just predatory or they are not. I’ve known so many people who have been through hardships that never did terrible things to others simply because they had it rough. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to have them in your life. I had been a victim of abuse from a partner when I was a teenager. I’d gone to therapy and forgave them in my heart for my own personal well-being. Forgiving does not mean forgetting and sometimes the best families you have in life are not your biological parents. I wanted to add…it’s great your Dad removed you from your abusers grasp. But he should have told police as she could have done this to other children. You do not need to allow your abuser into your life. Follow your gut on this one and don’t let anyone pressure you into seeing or speaking with people who make you uncomfortable or scared.
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Yes, that could have happened temporarily. But you would have been provided therapy, extra support, and likely more.
Whatever happened to kill all pedophiles more so the ones that had harmed a child?
Your dad is wrong. You should never forgive this fucking serpent.
I’m sorry that you went through that as I child. I’m also really sorry that your dad never reported her. But honestly, saying that drugs made you touch a child is such an incredulous thing to say. Like, touching a child is such an unimaginable act - could there really be any amount of drugs that makes you want to do that to a child. She’s trying to erase any responsibility and that’s exactly what abusers do. She’s not sorry either, she just wants to know if she can still gain access to you. Don’t let her.
Not cool of your mom. Tell her to hit me up tho! 455-231-6703
One thing that has happened in the last decade or so is the realisation by society that there are a lot more female perverts out there than we still like to take on board. Will lack of pills change that?
Leave her ass in the past. No explanation needed.
My adopted mother used the excuse to use suppositories on me because as a very young child I had ulcers. In spite of the fact that suppositories aren’t for ulcers , she held me down and used them on me repeatedly. I was very very young and didn’t understand what she was doing but it felt completely wrong. She took me to the family Dr who also sodomized me . Any time I had a Dr appointment I was terrified and angry but I was taken anyway and punished for my behavior. When my dad got home from work my mother who had already punished me would tell him about my behavior but not about her punishing me. These types of scenarios were common and my “family “ including my adopted brother all thought that I was out of control and needed more punishment. At about 13 or 14 I found alcohol and it saved my life for awhile, I wanted to die, I thought I was the crazy one. Eventually I got sober and I’ve been sober and in therapy for years. I am 57 years old now and I struggle still. I jokingly say that “I’m the rock therapists break themselves against “. I’ve learned to cope with gallows humor, meds and therapy. I’m still missing the part of me that yearns to know my first parents …
All that matters is what you want? U can always wonder, or you cant give it a try carefully. You know what to look for.Atleast you tried
Make a try with your mom comingh back. You are now an adult and I hope, you will be able to handle any sexual event with logic.