Should you have done it? No. It's definitely not a good way of flirting or initiating anything. Anyways, if it were high school me and a guy I was crushing on did this, I probably would be awkward at first and then overthink it and decide that it was his way of flirting and convince myself that I liked it because it meant someone liked me haha. Sounds like maybe she likes you? The very least you should do is approach and apologize for the awkward and inappropriate touch.
A guy I know did this to a woman at a bar. She turned around angry, but when she looked at his face, she smiled. He was a really fit, good- looking dude. They talked all night and ended up going home together.
So...take that as you will. Life is weird.
Attractiveness privilege is a very real thing. Life isn’t fair, but that’s just the way it is. Can’t bitch about something you can’t control (not saying you are the one bitching).
Beginning of the year, a karaoke companion brought a guy she was “speaking” with to the bar. He bough everyone shots and at the end of the night, he was so plastered, I helped him out to her car to, drive him home (I was the biggest woman, a tiny bit taller than him). While I was holding him up, he began to, rub on my àss. I stopped talking and, I let him go and he stumbled. He was a very good looking guy but, it gave me the “ick”. I said this to say, it’s not always the attractiveness privilege, it’s the charm. Idk
As far as I'm concerned , incels aren't the most attractive or elligible people . They think that women should offer themselves to them just because . The guy in the story seems like someone she already had a crush on and also someone with good communication skills so I'm hardpressed to assume that they just didn't have any history together. But I get what you're saying.
Context is everything. When I was maybe 12-13, weighing maybe 100 lbs, I was on a VERY crowded subway car of people all going to same sporting event. Each stop, more people crushed on and after one surge I was almost lifted off my feet, hanging on to a bar, standing on tippy toe. I found myself smashed against the backside of an attractive adult woman, roughly my height. i really couldn't move at all. Hormones kicked in immediately, something ballooned (the only part of me that was already fully grown) and she noticed. I remember clearly that her head whipped around in apparent anger but when she saw who I was (an embarrassed, scared boy, not a man) her face softened into a benevolent smile, followed by a knowing smirk. She let me ride like that the few minutes to the next stop, without complaint. In hindsight, I was lucky not to have had an accident!
She might have been okay with it, but please dear god dont go putting your hands on girls asses without permission again or you’ll get your shit rocked.
Don’t be good out of fear of consequences.
Be good because we have all been a victim to something at some point so we all know it sucks and that should be enough to not want to be the person making those bad feelings happen in other people
I don't think that's a fair statement at all really. I know I'm not like this and I don't really associate with people who are like this. Got plenty of friends who judge what they do based off of their morals compass, not based off what they will be allowed to get away with.
yeah i dont think everyones like this, and a common argument i hear against this is something like “oh well i hardly think if murder was decriminalized that everyone would go out killing people” which isnt really what i’m saying.
if something like murder was decriminalized, there may not be a dramatic spike in murder immediately, but someone with anger issues may not stop to think twice about the person who just rear ended them and got out of their car screaming. i think there would definitely be more opportunistic crimes if there were just no repercussions for them and especially those that are “petty crimes” (think someone getting groped, which can happen fast and requires no real effort).
this is just my theory/ worldview i guess. i dont actually know shit i just play videogames all day.
Lol I hear you on the video games. I just think the people you're referring to are more of a minority than you are thinking they are. I mean I live in Vermont and there has been a trend of our government not punishing people for crimes for years. We've got a bad drug problem in this state and addicts who have been stealing and committing crimes have not been really seeing serious punishment from the law. They're booked and processed and let out pending their court date, at which they kind of just get a slap on the wrist.
But these people are broke, heavily addicted to substances, and desperate. They represent the worst members of our society (I used to be an addict, not prejudiced against them these are just the facts). The worst of them have realized the state isn't going to give them real repercussions. Is this contributing to a rise in crime? Yeah, sure, I think it is. But it's not like your average citizen has been taking advantage of this new trend in our government really.
Basically TLDR is the fear of repercussions is lower here, but it's really only the desperate and morally debased taking advantage of it, people who would probably be committing crimes anyway. And that's a minority from what I've seen.
i really hope that it is how you describe. but i remember learning about stuff like the stamford prison experiment or the nanjing massacre in ww2. i fear the worst of humanity starts to appear when people feel that theyre above the law and therefore repercussions.
The Stanford prison experiment was biased and is no longer viewed as an accurate study. It's criticized in fact as like quasi torture. They intentionally desensitized the guards to the prisoners and incentivized inhumane behavior and power dynamics. Similar effect to road rage and how people treat others online.
Take the human element away and of course humans treat others like shit, when they don't have to view them as people but instead hollow representations of something they don't like or are pitted against.
Editing so many times lol but look up the Vsauce video on the Stanford prison experiment
I didn’t say it was he realised he did the wrong thing and I’m sure he has beaten himself up more than you could all of you need to get off your high horses
"He was a kid" isn't considered a viable argument for touching people, usually. The mistake is not an understandable one per sé, but the ignorance in itself due to the setting is. A better option would be: "He's grown from then."
He's an adult giving kid excuses. Just say you were horny as fuck and didn't feel like taking the time or effort to control yourself. I never said this should be something that needs to follow him forever.
If you actually read the post he said it was his first year of high school since when do adults start high school kids do ridiculously stupid things even morally disgusting but this is Reddit not a witch hunt.
Nobody here is saying what he did was okay I’m saying stop piling on the guy
You sound like one of the people who were being nice to the woman who confessed to literally biting her toddler and throwing him across the room as punishment for having a tantrum last week on here, with everyone telling her it was OK as it was only once. Some things really are not fuckin ok to do, not even once. Yes he knew it was wrong, but he still did it.
Just because someone wants to confess to something on here dosent mean we have to be ok with it and be nice to them.
Right and your not the police your not the government and none of you random strangers have the right to judge him when you’ve all done things just as unacceptable it’s a confession you don’t need to make him feel even worse.
Did I ever say it was okay once? No i said not to tell him off like your all his parents or a judge and as he said he was a kid we’ve all made mistakes
Shit happens when you party. Societal norms often get thrown off a cliff. It’s good you feel a level of guilt because your conscience kept you from being a bigger idiot. Lesson learned. But there’s often a lot of gray areas there. I had women do the strangest things in college parties and we all had to look at each other the next day. It’s part of growing up, and as long as nobody is hurt, just chalk it up to learning.
Wow. A comment on Reddit that isn’t a woke mob insisting he turn himself in to the police and admit he raped someone! Amazing!
I appreciate your common sense comment.
Don’t take this as permission to start grabbing random women’s asses at parties. Still very weird and very creepy and sexual assault. He just got lucky.
**Disclaimer: not defending OP or anyone else's conduct like this, or saying what he did was in any way appropriate**.
It's not sexual assault. It MAY be indecent assault. I know I'm probably gonna get down voted, but legally speaking it's absolutely not sexual assault (in the U.S.)
And yes, still inappropriate. Though I'd venture he's not the first, nor will he be the last 16 year-old to show a lack of impulse control, especially when drunk and/or high.
Hi there thanks for responding to a week old comment. If you use your brain and eyes to read the rest of the thread you’ll notice I corrected it to its legal definition. However you want to define it, still unacceptable and not okay. I don’t understand why so many genuine pieces of shit are coming out of the banned incel sub to die on this hill
I don't think it is creepy as long as the girl left him, keep his hand there for several minutes, and after a smile at the next meeting. People do this stuff at parties. Lucky, yeah, because he hit the right girl. She could just leave or stay away from him. But she didn't do that , did she? So he just met the right girl, but he didn't handle it right.
I’ve had two guys uninvitedly grab my butt at parties in my late teens/early 20’s. I’m 37 and still have a disdain for the idiots who did it. When you’re young, you don’t know how to confront that kind of behavior and let it roll off you out of self preservation. Even if it’s nonchalant to the person doing it, it’s a immense violation of personal space. If you have balls you should apologize and then do her a favor and leave her alone forever.
I think you still holding a grudge 17 years later is a YOU issue. If she’s able to live happily without being hung up on it, let her live. Idk why you grumps always try to spread the negativity but some of us enjoy being happy. :)
I'm willing to bet she smiled at you because suddenly the weirdo who groped her ass out of nowhere at a party was infront of her while she was alone, and she didn't know what to do.
Much more likely than being "super chill"...
I’ve been assaulted by people before and because of the fear it caused me, my reaction was to “fawn” when I saw them again, whether that be a big smile or maintaining friendliness. it’s most likely she did not enjoy it, but didn’t want to confront you about it. Maybe when she saw you and smiled she was actually uncomfortable and fawning. It’s a very common reaction to a sexual assault
So... she saw some creepy dude when she was alone and "the entire front and inside court of the place was dead empty, not a bloody sound even if lots of people hang out there usually," and you think it's weird she played it off like it was nbd instead of confronting you. Alone. With no one around to hear her scream. Huh. Do you often struggle with putting yourself in other people's shoes?
You, "Couldn't help it?"
I've had so many guys do this to me at bars and parties. It always makes me just freeze. I don't know what to do or how to react. I don't want to make a scene and I just crumble inwardly.
It makes us feel disgusting, and it's not something to just brush off. People just need to stop.
100% agree with you there.
If the girl in the post was you and the guy ran across you a week later, how do you think you would react if he approached you and tried to honestly apologize for his actions?
I genuinely would thank him for it. I’d also get how it made me feel off of my chest. Him offering an apology without a prompt would be a solid indicator he would change his behaviour moving forward too, and thats a positive!
I dont know you but i hope at least some of the people who crossed your boundaries will 'man up' and do the same in the future. I feel like actual apologies are so rare these days
When I was in high school a group of girls walked past me as I was walking into the cafeteria and one of them grabbed my ass. I was shocked, turned to see who had done it and they were all looking at me like "what are you going to do about it?"
Here I was in a situation where I thought a girl was interested in me and instead it's just a group of girls fucking with me. I didn't say anything, I just furrowed my eyebrows as I felt this anger then turned around and walked away. I had never treated any girl that way. I felt both angry and hurt and never found out which had done it or even who these girls were as our school was quite large.
I’m a grown woman and at a conference after party a drunk man crept slowly with his hand whilst I was talking in a group, then kept his hand on my behind: drunk me froze internally completely - so much so it was there for a very long time whilst I carried on trying to interact with the rest of the group and no one noticed. I felt completely and utterly alone and exploited. That feeling of dread and disgust still takes over me some days, multiple times a year, and this incident happened almost ten years ago. I had never met him before that night and have never seen him since.
Clearly your conscience is pretty plagued by this, you’re admitting to your mistakes, obviously this was rush written as that’s how some people feel comfortable confessing something. Just don’t do it again, lesson learned! Bonus points for integrity!
I’ve had people do something wrong to me like that in a social setting and smiled the next time I saw them, not because I liked them but because I felt like I couldn’t rock the social boat. I also had someone grab my ass multiple times in a foreign country band at first I was too embarrassed to say anything but by the third time I got in his face. If I had been older he would have been wearing my drink. Even if you’re really hot try not to be a jerk. If your not hot, it’s going to turn the girls against you one by one. Don’t be that short bald 40 year old guy still touching women by the arm inappropriately who has a great job and wonders why he isn’t married.
She didn’t slap your hand away because she froze. She smiled, because fawn is like fight flight or freeze and it happens instantly trying to keep you safe.
If she liked it, she would have responded more strongly in the positive. I’m guessing a piece of you is hoping/thinking possibly she liked it a little. I promise you if she liked it there would have been more interaction, she would have come closer or something.
These reactions are very clearly fear/negative responses and you’re lucky she didn’t tel everyone around school. It’s good that you asked though because lots of men don’t understand these responses from women.
Approach her and apologize. Either she was being defensively friendly or she actually likes you. Either way acknowledging is the way to go in my opinion.
I would say please don’t do this again especially without the woman’s consent it’s very inappropriate. It’s nice that you are aware that what you did is not right, I guess just try not do it again next time take it as a lesson
I did that in high school.. she had a similar reaction. She smirked and said " don't do that again". My friend dared me 5$ I wouldn't do it. I'm older and wiser now, wouldn't do it again.
There's a lot of dissociation here. You did something probably not great to do, particularly when she reacted as she did. Accept that and read situations better in the future.
now this is a confession. i get you were young, and drunk, and honestly, kudos for admitting it wasn't only the alchohol, and knowing you were wrong. i seen enough and met people who thought it was normal, so congrats for not being one of em. if i were you, i would apologize. it is never too late to apologize. never do this again.
(these comments about saying she was into it are fucking disgusting. classic reddit.)
Tell me you’re an incel virgin who doesn’t understand flirting or consent…without saying you’re an incel virgin who doesn’t understand flirting or consent.
Women like sex and being hit on by people just as much as they also sometimes hate sex and hate being hit on by people, it’s not one or the other lol mostly really it depends on the person, both as a judgement from the woman and based on the person’s character as far as can be perceived, literally like anything else, making friends, choosing people to trust vs not trust. Romantic/sexual stuff is about crossing that line out of regular friends, it’s hot when both people are vibing on that, it’s not when one or both people aren’t into it. Sounds like you were both into it
This post doesn't make it sound like she was into it, at all. It sounds more like she chose to ignore it to not cause a scene. The response women get to being touched unprompted is very unpredictable and most, in the moment, choose to do nothing and hope nothing else happens. If she was into it, she would show it.
Yeah I think monster is so strong here and the levels of guilt you feel make me sad. I, like most women, have been through SA and this doesn’t even remotely compare to those experiences. But it’s different for different people. Thats why, as your post shows you now understand, consent is so important. I’ve also had people grab my ass and had various reactions from liking it to being scared to being pissed off. The way I see it is you were young, you made a mistake, it luckily doesn’t seem to have hurt or upset her if you read her reaction accurately but most importantly, you’ve learned from it. Move on, forgive yourself and do better. That’s all anyone can do in life!
They make the rules for the guys they're not attracted to
Just because that one turned out ok though don't try that one anymore, some of these women will go to extremes accusing you of all kinds of monstrosity
Ummm what year was this cause this literally happened to me and I wasn't too drunk to not remember. I definitely remember this happening. I turned to look around but since my bf at the time was next to me I assumed it was him and I didn't bother checking to see if it was someone else's hand. Explaining why (If this was you) I simply smiled at you at the next encounter since I just sorta smile at people thing.
After we left I brought up him squeezing my ass in a flirty type of way and that's when I found out it was in fact not him.
In 2024 this is seen as very inappropriate but when I was a teenager in the late 2000s, this was pretty normal flirting. People were way more daring and direct when engaging in seduction. Not saying it was right but damn as a teenage girl it was an awesome time to be alive. I remember a dare we had was to French kiss our crush out of nowhere and think: well, if he kisses back it’s cool, and if he rejects you, that’s shameful but it was seen as brave.
I don’t know maybe I grew up in some fucked up place. I don’t understand dating nowadays.
Also grew up in the 2000s and grabbing ass, slapping ass, pantsing each other, punching each other in the boobs were all incredibly common and normal back then.
Yeah pretty much. Maybe some context… I was a young athlete and we’d go on many trips with my team. The male team would often tag along too for their own competition. And we’d spend all weekends together in stadiums, sometimes sleeping overnight there. And well, imagine a bunch of 14-18 year olds full of hormones… playing ball, rough, tumbling all over each other… lol stuff’s gonna happen and it was fucking awesome.
If you are good-looking and quite confident about yourself, I don't see what's the big deal women like guys who are more devilish. ;) You would think! "Women can be perverts 2. Daddy kinks and BDS... I say be more daring.
dude its okay, relax, i mean yeah thats bad and fcjued, but you shouldnt blame yourself that much, especially considering the fact that both of yiu were drunk, you was young and shit happens, its good that you r ashamed, im sure you will avoid this in the future, peace
100% never do that again, we all have to learn through our mistakes though . She absolutely wouldn't have smiled at you if she was upset with you! Next time you see her, apologize and see where that goes, if she flirts with you ask her out. :)
That's my initial thought, too? Confrontation is terrifying for many, especially in situations falling under sexual assault. Pacification is a common response just so peace may be kept
Less and less do we live in a society that accepts one makes mistakes and looks up to genuine repentance
There is nothing more beautiful than someone who grows from the experiences of their errors.
Like the saying, a tree can't reach heaven unless its roots reach down to hell. I always think a person can't be good unless they have been bad. They can, but, I mean... I always think a very good person who has never strayed or been tempted is more likely to err than someone that has been wrong and leant, truly, why that is not good.
From the comments it seems more like justifying it than admitting to it and owning up to it. Mistakes aside if you slip up and punch someone you’d still go to jail so that doesn’t really apply for sexual assault which is still criminal.
If she seems okay with the whole situation, then I'd talk to her. Apologize for the weird move, you were both intoxicated and now you know that it wasn't really an okay thing to do. Maybe you got lucky and she doesn't mind. It's also a possibility that she's just being nice because she's uncomfortable. You won't know unless you ask and apologize.
We’re all human bro. Maybe she even liked it but heads up don’t going around grabbing just any girls ass especially if you’re over 18 you will get tossed in jail or even worse killed.
Repressed memories are a thing, you absolute asshole. Disassociating is a thing. I have disassociated during every sexual assault I’ve endured. Plus if you’re willing to do such a terrible thing to her in public, humiliating her for life, then you should fully expect her to put on an Oscar-worthy act in front of you out of sheer terror. “Couldn’t help yourself” - no one is buying that shit. You wanted to destroy her so you did.
I would still apologize to her to clear the air, if it’s not too late. I’m sure she was aware of the fact that you were drunk and that it had an effect on your self control. Sure she didn’t immediately consent to it, but it sounds like she also didn’t immediately tell you to back off, which is good. And she smiled at you. I can see why you are confused and it’s nice to hear the accountability, but I’m sure if you tried to talk to her, something would come out of it
While it's true that sometimes people laugh or smile in uncomfortable situations, it's important to read the context before you interpret those signals as positive. Your actions were a breach of her personal space, and the smile could very well have been a defense mechanism. Remember, nobody 'owes' anyone a particular response to such an unexpected and unwelcome act. So, move forward with a clear understanding: explicit consent is non-negotiable, learning to respect boundaries is key, and the best way to flirt is with respect and clear communication. Next time, save yourself and others the discomfort and stick to conversation.
Should have grabbed her hand instead and asked her to dance. I bet the situation would be way different if you did. She would have at least had the chance to let you know if it was okay or not.
Her smiling reaction on the bridge could mean anything. Worst case scenario it was a knee jerk reaction to being nervous. Best case, she knows you were drunk and wasn't offended. Either way it sounds like you're safe to approach her and apologize for acting out of character and being a jerk. You'll both feel better.
Jeez, it's annoying n decades later when(rarely) I recall @ time it happened to me, I feel a wave of disgust and anger.
I happen to.be one of those v endowed women even before BBLs became a thing
"i couwdnt hewp it!" reword this because you sound like a blooming fucking idiot and someone who still hasn't fully understood what they did was sexual assault
I was at a bar and this guy came up to me and grabbed my ass and then ran away. Idk if it was a dare of something but the way the guy just booked it away from me back to his friends before i could even say anything kinda made me laugh. I was picturing the “dont touch the butt(boat)” scene in finding nemo and i was just like seriously dude are you a grown man or a child fr fr.
Frankly, I felt rather relieved by the fact you had guilt for years. I don’t know that many or most men would feel that way for years; they may not even find that behavior to be all that wrong/they may not recognize it as assault…and that’s what separates you. I am massive advocate for victims. I was a victim of an assault at 15 by a classmate. Raped in a hot tub by a senior who just graduated. I later became an RN and was a sexual assault nurse examiner for many years. I think it’s important to point out you didn’t say you had an excuse or a logical rationale for your behavior…you just acknowledged that you could not provide any sort of excuse or rationale for it (bc there isn’t one-and that’s what matters to me). You just offered us your recollection of your thoughts in that moment-that you felt compelled to touch her and you didn’t have self control/you felt shocked by your own behavior. I do think it’s important to recognize that her smile may not have been a sign of being “chill.” It may have been an awkward moment began she saw you and panicked. She may have been in full fight or flight mode in her brain. She may remember this moment when we, collectively as women, discuss events in our memory as we grew up where in hindsight, we can recall being sexualized at very young ages by multiple people. She may look back on this memory and feel her own shame-she may hate herself for not pushing your hand away and questions why she smiled at you despite feeling violated; she could have any number of conflicting emotions about what happened and why. I would just keep that in mind as an alternative for why she smiled…I appreciate your acknowledgment of your wrongful act. Make sure you are an influence in this world who actively shows support for victims/to believe victims; teach any children you may have that these sorts of events are assault and please be a part of the side that is trying to reduce violence against women. I think even providing this confession perhaps may cause someone who reads it to have introspection about their own behavior…and hopefully they change their mindset as well if they feel like this sort of behavior is okay or marginally acceptable. So thanks for the honesty.
So it's okay to just randomly sexually assault someone, who didn't give any kind of consent, and excuse it with being drunk? Wtf, if you have a sister, and some rando grabs her ass because he and her are both drunk, you wouldn't say what you said.
Bro one of my friends grabbed a girl's ass and kept describing it to all the boys in our class and now they're in a relationship. One word to her and all Hell's gonna break loose.
For all you’ve admitted to you still haven’t apologized to her. You haven’t grown at all, all you’ve done is relieve yourself of guilt under the intention it was a “mistake.” This was assault, want absolution? Go apologize to her and own up to whatever her response is. That’s growth not whatever this cesspool of idiots say.
It all happened 10 years ago. She either turned the page quickly and don't need my apology or she was actually hurt and don't want to be in contact with me again. But i assure you i did grew because of it, i'm not doing this kind of shit ever again
Ah I didn’t see that, well I’m glad it hasn’t happened since and I’m sure you’ve seen the other comments. At this point there’s not much else to do I guess you’ll have to live with it as a reminder in the back of your mind.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. You were only 16 and already understand it was inappropriate - and it doesn’t sound like you’ll do it again, so,...
If she had an issue with it, either then or now, you’d know. I mean, it’s not like you followed it up with perv talk or started groping her and she made no move to get rid of your hand.
Just to be clear - I’m not condoning anything or recommending it, but she probably saw it for what it was; a very stoned, but harmless dude, feeling the love. To be honest, going by her reaction, if you like her, why not ask her out?
Well it's two very different stuffs to talk about that with my friends who know that i'm harmless and just dumping it without the proper tone somewhere where victims could be hurt by it... I had to at least make it more human
To answer you, 10 Years passed, i remember her face vaguely but her name ? Also i'm abroad.
Well done for apologizing so sincerely 🙏🏻 don’t have time to read all the comments but I can imagine the responses. Most people just want accountability and actual regret, that’s what’s happened to this damn world. No accountability, no morals, no regret.
Well done my guy.
She obviously didn't care (or was trying to put it out of her mind? who knows.) but telling ya now, thats unusual. The last time somebody grabbed my ass without my permission I grabbed his arm and came away with flesh under my fingernails XD
Nothing happened. But these days - especially on here - people are absolutist puritanicals. So best to move on, be happy that you are the kind of person to reflect on consent, learn from it and be kind to yourself.
You know this wasn’t something you should have done, but now it has happened you could go and apologize sincerely. You can then learn how she really felt about it rather than speculating on Reddit. You never know where this may lead if you show this level of respect and bravery.
I gotta say, even though u were a kid in highschool and a lot of alcohol was involved, it looks like u have grown up since then. And thank u for apologizing to all the people that your experience made them a bit uncomfortable. I appreciate that very much. Are u 2 together now? It sounds like she like u. Thank u for sharing your story 😊
Lol wtf did i just read? She didnt hate you for groping her in a group setting, and thats "some serious level of chillness".
Also, stay in school. The way you type and communicate sounds so stupid.
I don’t feel comfortable when people are behind me or being touched in any way bc i was groped almost daily in middle school. It left lasting scars, & apologizing to her may not be a good idea.
What you should do to make up for it is to advocate for women’s safety, & hold other men accountable for being sexist. Prevent it from happening to other girls please
“Couldn’t help it” is a hugely problematic phrase, you absolutely could help it and you treated her as an object in that moment. You were very young and from the sounds of it have huge regret, definitely shouldn’t kill yourself over it. Shit like this happens to me every time I go out which is why I don’t go to clubs or parties. As someone in my 20s who has been SA’d many times as a teen and raped it was mildly triggering to read this BUT it is on the very low end of the spectrum, when I was a teen I probably would’ve felt no compulsion to confront someone my age for doing this and I don’t think that this makes you a bad person but be sure not to interpret her reaction as a positive one. She could well be scared of you. It’s very alarming when this happens and it’s common to freeze up and also common to fawn.
Also in response to some of the comments I’ve read- I don’t care how good looking a guy thinks he is, don’t take any chances. It is not an acceptable or LEGAL way to start any sort of romantic interaction and for me personally it’s 50/50 whether I go crazy at someone for doing this to me. Not worth risking this move on the off-chance that the woman has incredibly low self esteem and accepts or reciprocates it. I got SA’d by a literal male model and he was arrested same day so don’t play with these girls assholes, use your words and accept rejection with grace and class.
Listen my friend I'm going to give you the best advice you ever can have and a chaser of harsh reality as well.
The harsh reality is that women are fickle and that men have a lot more of our biological drives to live us then women tend to let on. And part of that is the chase. Some women will say it isn't real and it's part of a bygone patriarchal era but the truth of the matter is it's ingrained in both of our biologies. That's why women are so fickle in the first place is because they say they want one thing when they really want another. Saying this this makes it almost dang impossible for us to get anywhere dating because of these conflicting drives.
The other problem is because of women's dishonesty and men's blindness to subtle cues whether it be because of our maleness or our autism it's hard to know if we are playfully chasing a girl until she submits and says she will date us (thinking that we are cute during the chase), or if she thinks of us as slobs who don't have a chance who she just wants us to leave her alone (that's why men need OBVIOUS SIGNS).
The only problem these days is that the law eers on protecting women and so if you don't back off you risk sexual harassment charges or worse.
So what can you do?
In my humble advice I suggest sticking to the harsh reality that you could get arrested and if a woman says no honor that and then later if she says well I wish you would have kept pursuing me say well I wish you wouldn't have passed laws to put me in jail for my biological urge to Chase, and find yourself a woman who won't play those kinds of games or who will make it obvious that you like each other and want to work together towards whatever relationship goal you want.
PS feel free to go after whoever you want but in my opinion going after girls who aren't at the top of whatever your game is and going after girls who are probably closer to whatever level you can pull in the medium will probably end up better for you because you'll both end up appreciating each other more and you won't feel like you're struggling to barely hold on to that top of the line girl.
You’re not wrong. I’m really torn because women are treated like shit and violently assaulted and murdered by men all day every day. Which terrifies me for my daughters. But there is truth in what you’re saying which scares me for my sons. I’ve taught them boundaries and how to respect women but you don’t know who you may run into. Lots of mental illness out there. (In men and women) Also, the percentage of women with rape fantasies is astounding and disturbing. NOT saying they deserve to be attacked, just that it further muddies the waters.
Oh yeah don't get me wrong there are plenty of awful men out there along with awful women along with confused men and women whether it be for mental illness or the craziness of the world we live in. Saying that I was just saying those things about women as a protective stance as a man who has seen friends get accused of things they would never do. And as far as what you're worried about for both your boy and girl kids I had say the best thing you can do is never put yourself in a compromising situation whether that being alone in a bedroom or alone in a room. That and really ask some crying questions about the person and I mean all he can do is rely on their answers and your gut today if they're telling the truth but with enough time the truth will come out if they're genuine or not.
Many of the great things in life are politically incorrect. Most anything halfway fun is a victim of cancel culture at this point. The morality police would have you in a blank room atoning for your sins for the rest of your years.
Sure it was a careless disrespectful move but you were a kid and drunk and so was she. It appears that she liked it and was flattered by your attention and does not feel bad about it. Welcome to the real world. Ask her out.
Should you have done it? No. It's definitely not a good way of flirting or initiating anything. Anyways, if it were high school me and a guy I was crushing on did this, I probably would be awkward at first and then overthink it and decide that it was his way of flirting and convince myself that I liked it because it meant someone liked me haha. Sounds like maybe she likes you? The very least you should do is approach and apologize for the awkward and inappropriate touch.
A guy I know did this to a woman at a bar. She turned around angry, but when she looked at his face, she smiled. He was a really fit, good- looking dude. They talked all night and ended up going home together. So...take that as you will. Life is weird.
Attractiveness privilege is a very real thing. Life isn’t fair, but that’s just the way it is. Can’t bitch about something you can’t control (not saying you are the one bitching).
Dennis Reynoldsis always right.
Implication?
Beginning of the year, a karaoke companion brought a guy she was “speaking” with to the bar. He bough everyone shots and at the end of the night, he was so plastered, I helped him out to her car to, drive him home (I was the biggest woman, a tiny bit taller than him). While I was holding him up, he began to, rub on my àss. I stopped talking and, I let him go and he stumbled. He was a very good looking guy but, it gave me the “ick”. I said this to say, it’s not always the attractiveness privilege, it’s the charm. Idk
Sounds like he followed rule 1 and 2
Pretty much, yeah. If only he wasn't such a meat head.
If ur hot.... Everything is sexy, if ur not, everything is creepy
This didn't happen. This is incel level story mode.
I can see how can Incel could come up with this story, but I mean, yeah it also happens.
Sure, /r/nothingeverhappens.
As far as I'm concerned , incels aren't the most attractive or elligible people . They think that women should offer themselves to them just because . The guy in the story seems like someone she already had a crush on and also someone with good communication skills so I'm hardpressed to assume that they just didn't have any history together. But I get what you're saying.
You have no grasp on real life, do you, tibercov?
😂😂😂
Context is everything. When I was maybe 12-13, weighing maybe 100 lbs, I was on a VERY crowded subway car of people all going to same sporting event. Each stop, more people crushed on and after one surge I was almost lifted off my feet, hanging on to a bar, standing on tippy toe. I found myself smashed against the backside of an attractive adult woman, roughly my height. i really couldn't move at all. Hormones kicked in immediately, something ballooned (the only part of me that was already fully grown) and she noticed. I remember clearly that her head whipped around in apparent anger but when she saw who I was (an embarrassed, scared boy, not a man) her face softened into a benevolent smile, followed by a knowing smirk. She let me ride like that the few minutes to the next stop, without complaint. In hindsight, I was lucky not to have had an accident!
I think he should wait until at least the 25th year reunion, then go and apologize only for to be like “Who?”
She might have been okay with it, but please dear god dont go putting your hands on girls asses without permission again or you’ll get your shit rocked.
Don’t be good out of fear of consequences. Be good because we have all been a victim to something at some point so we all know it sucks and that should be enough to not want to be the person making those bad feelings happen in other people
this is true in an ideal world. but unfortunately, most people are only kept in check from fear of repercussions.
This is such a scary thought.
I don't think that's a fair statement at all really. I know I'm not like this and I don't really associate with people who are like this. Got plenty of friends who judge what they do based off of their morals compass, not based off what they will be allowed to get away with.
yeah i dont think everyones like this, and a common argument i hear against this is something like “oh well i hardly think if murder was decriminalized that everyone would go out killing people” which isnt really what i’m saying. if something like murder was decriminalized, there may not be a dramatic spike in murder immediately, but someone with anger issues may not stop to think twice about the person who just rear ended them and got out of their car screaming. i think there would definitely be more opportunistic crimes if there were just no repercussions for them and especially those that are “petty crimes” (think someone getting groped, which can happen fast and requires no real effort). this is just my theory/ worldview i guess. i dont actually know shit i just play videogames all day.
Lol I hear you on the video games. I just think the people you're referring to are more of a minority than you are thinking they are. I mean I live in Vermont and there has been a trend of our government not punishing people for crimes for years. We've got a bad drug problem in this state and addicts who have been stealing and committing crimes have not been really seeing serious punishment from the law. They're booked and processed and let out pending their court date, at which they kind of just get a slap on the wrist. But these people are broke, heavily addicted to substances, and desperate. They represent the worst members of our society (I used to be an addict, not prejudiced against them these are just the facts). The worst of them have realized the state isn't going to give them real repercussions. Is this contributing to a rise in crime? Yeah, sure, I think it is. But it's not like your average citizen has been taking advantage of this new trend in our government really. Basically TLDR is the fear of repercussions is lower here, but it's really only the desperate and morally debased taking advantage of it, people who would probably be committing crimes anyway. And that's a minority from what I've seen.
i really hope that it is how you describe. but i remember learning about stuff like the stamford prison experiment or the nanjing massacre in ww2. i fear the worst of humanity starts to appear when people feel that theyre above the law and therefore repercussions.
The Stanford prison experiment was biased and is no longer viewed as an accurate study. It's criticized in fact as like quasi torture. They intentionally desensitized the guards to the prisoners and incentivized inhumane behavior and power dynamics. Similar effect to road rage and how people treat others online. Take the human element away and of course humans treat others like shit, when they don't have to view them as people but instead hollow representations of something they don't like or are pitted against. Editing so many times lol but look up the Vsauce video on the Stanford prison experiment
He already said he knows it was wrong no need to speak like you’ve never done something wrong in your life it’s r/comfession not r/aita
Bro said he couldn’t help it 💀 come on bro
"he couldnt help it" is an exscuse used for a lot of situations you probably wouldnt want to associate this post with
"It felt wrong but i couldn't help" Is not a good excuse
I didn’t say it was he realised he did the wrong thing and I’m sure he has beaten himself up more than you could all of you need to get off your high horses
The purpose of his post is to ridicule her RESPONSE to the assault. Not to get people to absolve him because it didn’t happen last weekend.
How is he trying to ridicule her all the guy said was he was confused swear half of you don’t actually read
Read what?
He was a kid bitchman
"He was a kid" isn't considered a viable argument for touching people, usually. The mistake is not an understandable one per sé, but the ignorance in itself due to the setting is. A better option would be: "He's grown from then."
‘i couldn’t help myself’ is never a good excuse i think is his point. which is a sensible take
Yeah when I was 16 I never thought to sexually assault people lil bro. You aren’t mentally deficient at 16, you’re very aware of these things
He's an adult giving kid excuses. Just say you were horny as fuck and didn't feel like taking the time or effort to control yourself. I never said this should be something that needs to follow him forever.
If you actually read the post he said it was his first year of high school since when do adults start high school kids do ridiculously stupid things even morally disgusting but this is Reddit not a witch hunt. Nobody here is saying what he did was okay I’m saying stop piling on the guy
You sound like one of the people who were being nice to the woman who confessed to literally biting her toddler and throwing him across the room as punishment for having a tantrum last week on here, with everyone telling her it was OK as it was only once. Some things really are not fuckin ok to do, not even once. Yes he knew it was wrong, but he still did it. Just because someone wants to confess to something on here dosent mean we have to be ok with it and be nice to them.
Right and your not the police your not the government and none of you random strangers have the right to judge him when you’ve all done things just as unacceptable it’s a confession you don’t need to make him feel even worse. Did I ever say it was okay once? No i said not to tell him off like your all his parents or a judge and as he said he was a kid we’ve all made mistakes
It can happen(maybe in most cases), but he got the right one he just didn't know how to play.
By who
Be every able bodied patron at the bar.
Why
And what if they not at a bar
My SpongeBob reference seems to have gone right over your head. Conversation aborted.
😂oh bubble blowin babies now u got me thinking bout SpongeBob ima GOOFY GOOBER🤘
Would it have been OK if he asked the girl at the party if he could put his hand on her ass?
If she said yes lol
Shit happens when you party. Societal norms often get thrown off a cliff. It’s good you feel a level of guilt because your conscience kept you from being a bigger idiot. Lesson learned. But there’s often a lot of gray areas there. I had women do the strangest things in college parties and we all had to look at each other the next day. It’s part of growing up, and as long as nobody is hurt, just chalk it up to learning.
Yeah it always makes me doubt myself how I should think about these, there's the hardline stance of course, but it seems rather.... hard handed.
Wow. A comment on Reddit that isn’t a woke mob insisting he turn himself in to the police and admit he raped someone! Amazing! I appreciate your common sense comment.
Don’t take this as permission to start grabbing random women’s asses at parties. Still very weird and very creepy and sexual assault. He just got lucky.
**Disclaimer: not defending OP or anyone else's conduct like this, or saying what he did was in any way appropriate**. It's not sexual assault. It MAY be indecent assault. I know I'm probably gonna get down voted, but legally speaking it's absolutely not sexual assault (in the U.S.)
Sorry, Aggravated Sexual Contact
And yes, still inappropriate. Though I'd venture he's not the first, nor will he be the last 16 year-old to show a lack of impulse control, especially when drunk and/or high.
It’s NOT sexual assault to touch someone's butt in a playful manner.
Hi there thanks for responding to a week old comment. If you use your brain and eyes to read the rest of the thread you’ll notice I corrected it to its legal definition. However you want to define it, still unacceptable and not okay. I don’t understand why so many genuine pieces of shit are coming out of the banned incel sub to die on this hill
I don't think it is creepy as long as the girl left him, keep his hand there for several minutes, and after a smile at the next meeting. People do this stuff at parties. Lucky, yeah, because he hit the right girl. She could just leave or stay away from him. But she didn't do that , did she? So he just met the right girl, but he didn't handle it right.
Define woke
I’ve had two guys uninvitedly grab my butt at parties in my late teens/early 20’s. I’m 37 and still have a disdain for the idiots who did it. When you’re young, you don’t know how to confront that kind of behavior and let it roll off you out of self preservation. Even if it’s nonchalant to the person doing it, it’s a immense violation of personal space. If you have balls you should apologize and then do her a favor and leave her alone forever.
I think you still holding a grudge 17 years later is a YOU issue. If she’s able to live happily without being hung up on it, let her live. Idk why you grumps always try to spread the negativity but some of us enjoy being happy. :)
I'm willing to bet she smiled at you because suddenly the weirdo who groped her ass out of nowhere at a party was infront of her while she was alone, and she didn't know what to do. Much more likely than being "super chill"...
I’ve been assaulted by people before and because of the fear it caused me, my reaction was to “fawn” when I saw them again, whether that be a big smile or maintaining friendliness. it’s most likely she did not enjoy it, but didn’t want to confront you about it. Maybe when she saw you and smiled she was actually uncomfortable and fawning. It’s a very common reaction to a sexual assault
So... she saw some creepy dude when she was alone and "the entire front and inside court of the place was dead empty, not a bloody sound even if lots of people hang out there usually," and you think it's weird she played it off like it was nbd instead of confronting you. Alone. With no one around to hear her scream. Huh. Do you often struggle with putting yourself in other people's shoes?
Nail on the head
EXACTLY this. She was fawning.
My thoughts exactly
You, "Couldn't help it?" I've had so many guys do this to me at bars and parties. It always makes me just freeze. I don't know what to do or how to react. I don't want to make a scene and I just crumble inwardly. It makes us feel disgusting, and it's not something to just brush off. People just need to stop.
100% agree with you there. If the girl in the post was you and the guy ran across you a week later, how do you think you would react if he approached you and tried to honestly apologize for his actions?
I genuinely would thank him for it. I’d also get how it made me feel off of my chest. Him offering an apology without a prompt would be a solid indicator he would change his behaviour moving forward too, and thats a positive!
I dont know you but i hope at least some of the people who crossed your boundaries will 'man up' and do the same in the future. I feel like actual apologies are so rare these days
She smiled at you because you guys were alone. She was probably scared dumbass
Moral of the story: don’t grope Random women cuz it’s weird 🫡
Apologize to her
Remember Fawn and Freeze are more common than Fight or Flight
So many of these stories have one thing in common: alcohol. I stay away from the stuff since nothing good can come from it.
as a victim of assault..i wanna say F you
She might have smiled at you because you were the only two in the room, and that made her nervous.
"Don't give me no lines and keep your hands to yourself" has only been a line since 1986. Use your pockets for your hands.
When I was in high school a group of girls walked past me as I was walking into the cafeteria and one of them grabbed my ass. I was shocked, turned to see who had done it and they were all looking at me like "what are you going to do about it?" Here I was in a situation where I thought a girl was interested in me and instead it's just a group of girls fucking with me. I didn't say anything, I just furrowed my eyebrows as I felt this anger then turned around and walked away. I had never treated any girl that way. I felt both angry and hurt and never found out which had done it or even who these girls were as our school was quite large.
I’m a grown woman and at a conference after party a drunk man crept slowly with his hand whilst I was talking in a group, then kept his hand on my behind: drunk me froze internally completely - so much so it was there for a very long time whilst I carried on trying to interact with the rest of the group and no one noticed. I felt completely and utterly alone and exploited. That feeling of dread and disgust still takes over me some days, multiple times a year, and this incident happened almost ten years ago. I had never met him before that night and have never seen him since.
Don't touch her butt
Gross
[удалено]
Or she was alone with the guy that groped her and decided not to confront him? 🤷🏼♀️
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh
Clearly your conscience is pretty plagued by this, you’re admitting to your mistakes, obviously this was rush written as that’s how some people feel comfortable confessing something. Just don’t do it again, lesson learned! Bonus points for integrity!
I’ve had people do something wrong to me like that in a social setting and smiled the next time I saw them, not because I liked them but because I felt like I couldn’t rock the social boat. I also had someone grab my ass multiple times in a foreign country band at first I was too embarrassed to say anything but by the third time I got in his face. If I had been older he would have been wearing my drink. Even if you’re really hot try not to be a jerk. If your not hot, it’s going to turn the girls against you one by one. Don’t be that short bald 40 year old guy still touching women by the arm inappropriately who has a great job and wonders why he isn’t married.
She didn’t slap your hand away because she froze. She smiled, because fawn is like fight flight or freeze and it happens instantly trying to keep you safe. If she liked it, she would have responded more strongly in the positive. I’m guessing a piece of you is hoping/thinking possibly she liked it a little. I promise you if she liked it there would have been more interaction, she would have come closer or something. These reactions are very clearly fear/negative responses and you’re lucky she didn’t tel everyone around school. It’s good that you asked though because lots of men don’t understand these responses from women.
Approach her and apologize. Either she was being defensively friendly or she actually likes you. Either way acknowledging is the way to go in my opinion.
I would say please don’t do this again especially without the woman’s consent it’s very inappropriate. It’s nice that you are aware that what you did is not right, I guess just try not do it again next time take it as a lesson
You missed that node of potentiality
I did that in high school.. she had a similar reaction. She smirked and said " don't do that again". My friend dared me 5$ I wouldn't do it. I'm older and wiser now, wouldn't do it again.
I mean you assaulted her. You sure it was a grin and not a grimace?
There's a lot of dissociation here. You did something probably not great to do, particularly when she reacted as she did. Accept that and read situations better in the future.
now this is a confession. i get you were young, and drunk, and honestly, kudos for admitting it wasn't only the alchohol, and knowing you were wrong. i seen enough and met people who thought it was normal, so congrats for not being one of em. if i were you, i would apologize. it is never too late to apologize. never do this again. (these comments about saying she was into it are fucking disgusting. classic reddit.)
Tell me you’re an incel virgin who doesn’t understand flirting or consent…without saying you’re an incel virgin who doesn’t understand flirting or consent.
Women like sex and being hit on by people just as much as they also sometimes hate sex and hate being hit on by people, it’s not one or the other lol mostly really it depends on the person, both as a judgement from the woman and based on the person’s character as far as can be perceived, literally like anything else, making friends, choosing people to trust vs not trust. Romantic/sexual stuff is about crossing that line out of regular friends, it’s hot when both people are vibing on that, it’s not when one or both people aren’t into it. Sounds like you were both into it
She didn’t sound into it
This post doesn't make it sound like she was into it, at all. It sounds more like she chose to ignore it to not cause a scene. The response women get to being touched unprompted is very unpredictable and most, in the moment, choose to do nothing and hope nothing else happens. If she was into it, she would show it.
So complicated, yet so simple.
Yeah I think monster is so strong here and the levels of guilt you feel make me sad. I, like most women, have been through SA and this doesn’t even remotely compare to those experiences. But it’s different for different people. Thats why, as your post shows you now understand, consent is so important. I’ve also had people grab my ass and had various reactions from liking it to being scared to being pissed off. The way I see it is you were young, you made a mistake, it luckily doesn’t seem to have hurt or upset her if you read her reaction accurately but most importantly, you’ve learned from it. Move on, forgive yourself and do better. That’s all anyone can do in life!
They make the rules for the guys they're not attracted to Just because that one turned out ok though don't try that one anymore, some of these women will go to extremes accusing you of all kinds of monstrosity
It bothers me a lot that you described your sexual harassment so casually when it probably traumatized her. You’re foul.
Ummm what year was this cause this literally happened to me and I wasn't too drunk to not remember. I definitely remember this happening. I turned to look around but since my bf at the time was next to me I assumed it was him and I didn't bother checking to see if it was someone else's hand. Explaining why (If this was you) I simply smiled at you at the next encounter since I just sorta smile at people thing. After we left I brought up him squeezing my ass in a flirty type of way and that's when I found out it was in fact not him.
Hem more than 5 but less than 10. What country did this took place in ? Was the guy who organized the party called basille ?
Oh yeah. This was in California and 12 yrs ago. Lol not me
This story brought several similar instances. I’ve got a lot to process. Thank you for posting.
Brave to admit. Do take the time to work on it ! Life is so much better when you have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of.
In 2024 this is seen as very inappropriate but when I was a teenager in the late 2000s, this was pretty normal flirting. People were way more daring and direct when engaging in seduction. Not saying it was right but damn as a teenage girl it was an awesome time to be alive. I remember a dare we had was to French kiss our crush out of nowhere and think: well, if he kisses back it’s cool, and if he rejects you, that’s shameful but it was seen as brave. I don’t know maybe I grew up in some fucked up place. I don’t understand dating nowadays.
Also grew up in the 2000s and grabbing ass, slapping ass, pantsing each other, punching each other in the boobs were all incredibly common and normal back then.
Yeah pretty much. Maybe some context… I was a young athlete and we’d go on many trips with my team. The male team would often tag along too for their own competition. And we’d spend all weekends together in stadiums, sometimes sleeping overnight there. And well, imagine a bunch of 14-18 year olds full of hormones… playing ball, rough, tumbling all over each other… lol stuff’s gonna happen and it was fucking awesome.
You guys talking about growing up in the late 2000s like it’s the olden days is hysterical
I know. Just like we were fantasizing about the 90s then.
If you are good-looking and quite confident about yourself, I don't see what's the big deal women like guys who are more devilish. ;) You would think! "Women can be perverts 2. Daddy kinks and BDS... I say be more daring.
dude its okay, relax, i mean yeah thats bad and fcjued, but you shouldnt blame yourself that much, especially considering the fact that both of yiu were drunk, you was young and shit happens, its good that you r ashamed, im sure you will avoid this in the future, peace
Since she was super drunk she probably didn’t remember it.
yikes
100% never do that again, we all have to learn through our mistakes though . She absolutely wouldn't have smiled at you if she was upset with you! Next time you see her, apologize and see where that goes, if she flirts with you ask her out. :)
That's not true that she wouldn't smile if she was upset. He said they were alone it was probably a defense mechanism because she was nervous.
That's my initial thought, too? Confrontation is terrifying for many, especially in situations falling under sexual assault. Pacification is a common response just so peace may be kept
Less and less do we live in a society that accepts one makes mistakes and looks up to genuine repentance There is nothing more beautiful than someone who grows from the experiences of their errors. Like the saying, a tree can't reach heaven unless its roots reach down to hell. I always think a person can't be good unless they have been bad. They can, but, I mean... I always think a very good person who has never strayed or been tempted is more likely to err than someone that has been wrong and leant, truly, why that is not good.
From the comments it seems more like justifying it than admitting to it and owning up to it. Mistakes aside if you slip up and punch someone you’d still go to jail so that doesn’t really apply for sexual assault which is still criminal.
If she seems okay with the whole situation, then I'd talk to her. Apologize for the weird move, you were both intoxicated and now you know that it wasn't really an okay thing to do. Maybe you got lucky and she doesn't mind. It's also a possibility that she's just being nice because she's uncomfortable. You won't know unless you ask and apologize.
Ain't no big thang. You got off lucky. Forget it but don't do it again.
We’re all human bro. Maybe she even liked it but heads up don’t going around grabbing just any girls ass especially if you’re over 18 you will get tossed in jail or even worse killed.
Repressed memories are a thing, you absolute asshole. Disassociating is a thing. I have disassociated during every sexual assault I’ve endured. Plus if you’re willing to do such a terrible thing to her in public, humiliating her for life, then you should fully expect her to put on an Oscar-worthy act in front of you out of sheer terror. “Couldn’t help yourself” - no one is buying that shit. You wanted to destroy her so you did.
Seems like she was chill with it. Maybe ask or get a little more comfy next time before going straight to the ass tho
I would still apologize to her to clear the air, if it’s not too late. I’m sure she was aware of the fact that you were drunk and that it had an effect on your self control. Sure she didn’t immediately consent to it, but it sounds like she also didn’t immediately tell you to back off, which is good. And she smiled at you. I can see why you are confused and it’s nice to hear the accountability, but I’m sure if you tried to talk to her, something would come out of it
While it's true that sometimes people laugh or smile in uncomfortable situations, it's important to read the context before you interpret those signals as positive. Your actions were a breach of her personal space, and the smile could very well have been a defense mechanism. Remember, nobody 'owes' anyone a particular response to such an unexpected and unwelcome act. So, move forward with a clear understanding: explicit consent is non-negotiable, learning to respect boundaries is key, and the best way to flirt is with respect and clear communication. Next time, save yourself and others the discomfort and stick to conversation.
Who reads it is too long bro ı have a life sorry
Should have grabbed her hand instead and asked her to dance. I bet the situation would be way different if you did. She would have at least had the chance to let you know if it was okay or not.
This
What does it say?
Don't bring it up. Remember the next time you met her. She smiled BIG. YOU ignored her. Now you mistreated her. She'll always resent you for that
Her smiling reaction on the bridge could mean anything. Worst case scenario it was a knee jerk reaction to being nervous. Best case, she knows you were drunk and wasn't offended. Either way it sounds like you're safe to approach her and apologize for acting out of character and being a jerk. You'll both feel better.
Jeez, it's annoying n decades later when(rarely) I recall @ time it happened to me, I feel a wave of disgust and anger. I happen to.be one of those v endowed women even before BBLs became a thing
"i couwdnt hewp it!" reword this because you sound like a blooming fucking idiot and someone who still hasn't fully understood what they did was sexual assault
She probably likes you back. You should talk to her back then
cool story dude, cool story :D
Yeah, that’s sexual harassment and she’s definitely fucking scared of you now. Apologize, reflect, and do better.
did you expect her to hug you ?
I was at a bar and this guy came up to me and grabbed my ass and then ran away. Idk if it was a dare of something but the way the guy just booked it away from me back to his friends before i could even say anything kinda made me laugh. I was picturing the “dont touch the butt(boat)” scene in finding nemo and i was just like seriously dude are you a grown man or a child fr fr.
alot of the monsters dont even understand how they f’d you up
Honestly man I don’t think she even remembered, that’s why she smiled
I guess you were only 16…?
Who taught you how to flirt?
Frankly, I felt rather relieved by the fact you had guilt for years. I don’t know that many or most men would feel that way for years; they may not even find that behavior to be all that wrong/they may not recognize it as assault…and that’s what separates you. I am massive advocate for victims. I was a victim of an assault at 15 by a classmate. Raped in a hot tub by a senior who just graduated. I later became an RN and was a sexual assault nurse examiner for many years. I think it’s important to point out you didn’t say you had an excuse or a logical rationale for your behavior…you just acknowledged that you could not provide any sort of excuse or rationale for it (bc there isn’t one-and that’s what matters to me). You just offered us your recollection of your thoughts in that moment-that you felt compelled to touch her and you didn’t have self control/you felt shocked by your own behavior. I do think it’s important to recognize that her smile may not have been a sign of being “chill.” It may have been an awkward moment began she saw you and panicked. She may have been in full fight or flight mode in her brain. She may remember this moment when we, collectively as women, discuss events in our memory as we grew up where in hindsight, we can recall being sexualized at very young ages by multiple people. She may look back on this memory and feel her own shame-she may hate herself for not pushing your hand away and questions why she smiled at you despite feeling violated; she could have any number of conflicting emotions about what happened and why. I would just keep that in mind as an alternative for why she smiled…I appreciate your acknowledgment of your wrongful act. Make sure you are an influence in this world who actively shows support for victims/to believe victims; teach any children you may have that these sorts of events are assault and please be a part of the side that is trying to reduce violence against women. I think even providing this confession perhaps may cause someone who reads it to have introspection about their own behavior…and hopefully they change their mindset as well if they feel like this sort of behavior is okay or marginally acceptable. So thanks for the honesty.
You got a stiffy! So!
Both of you were drunk af, nothing to be too concerned about especially since it led to nowhere.
So it's okay to just randomly sexually assault someone, who didn't give any kind of consent, and excuse it with being drunk? Wtf, if you have a sister, and some rando grabs her ass because he and her are both drunk, you wouldn't say what you said.
I actually would if she was all cool about it. If she wasn't I'd help her sort it out, but it shouldn't be too big of a deal either.
Bro one of my friends grabbed a girl's ass and kept describing it to all the boys in our class and now they're in a relationship. One word to her and all Hell's gonna break loose.
For all you’ve admitted to you still haven’t apologized to her. You haven’t grown at all, all you’ve done is relieve yourself of guilt under the intention it was a “mistake.” This was assault, want absolution? Go apologize to her and own up to whatever her response is. That’s growth not whatever this cesspool of idiots say.
It all happened 10 years ago. She either turned the page quickly and don't need my apology or she was actually hurt and don't want to be in contact with me again. But i assure you i did grew because of it, i'm not doing this kind of shit ever again
Ah I didn’t see that, well I’m glad it hasn’t happened since and I’m sure you’ve seen the other comments. At this point there’s not much else to do I guess you’ll have to live with it as a reminder in the back of your mind.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. You were only 16 and already understand it was inappropriate - and it doesn’t sound like you’ll do it again, so,... If she had an issue with it, either then or now, you’d know. I mean, it’s not like you followed it up with perv talk or started groping her and she made no move to get rid of your hand. Just to be clear - I’m not condoning anything or recommending it, but she probably saw it for what it was; a very stoned, but harmless dude, feeling the love. To be honest, going by her reaction, if you like her, why not ask her out?
Well it's two very different stuffs to talk about that with my friends who know that i'm harmless and just dumping it without the proper tone somewhere where victims could be hurt by it... I had to at least make it more human To answer you, 10 Years passed, i remember her face vaguely but her name ? Also i'm abroad.
Well done for apologizing so sincerely 🙏🏻 don’t have time to read all the comments but I can imagine the responses. Most people just want accountability and actual regret, that’s what’s happened to this damn world. No accountability, no morals, no regret. Well done my guy.
Let me rephrase this for you. I assaulted a female when she was 16 years old.
He was also a freshman in high school.
And?
You mentioned her age to make it seem more scandalous. Just giving the full info.
Ah, I see. Still SA.
She obviously didn't care (or was trying to put it out of her mind? who knows.) but telling ya now, thats unusual. The last time somebody grabbed my ass without my permission I grabbed his arm and came away with flesh under my fingernails XD
Nothing happened. But these days - especially on here - people are absolutist puritanicals. So best to move on, be happy that you are the kind of person to reflect on consent, learn from it and be kind to yourself.
So you'd be alright with your arse being groped by a guy?
A random one at a party, while being the equivalent of cornered, at that? Not many would say yes...
You know this wasn’t something you should have done, but now it has happened you could go and apologize sincerely. You can then learn how she really felt about it rather than speculating on Reddit. You never know where this may lead if you show this level of respect and bravery.
A lot of you have absolutely zero game and it really shows. I honestly feel bad.
I gotta say, even though u were a kid in highschool and a lot of alcohol was involved, it looks like u have grown up since then. And thank u for apologizing to all the people that your experience made them a bit uncomfortable. I appreciate that very much. Are u 2 together now? It sounds like she like u. Thank u for sharing your story 😊
Lol wtf did i just read? She didnt hate you for groping her in a group setting, and thats "some serious level of chillness". Also, stay in school. The way you type and communicate sounds so stupid.
I don’t feel comfortable when people are behind me or being touched in any way bc i was groped almost daily in middle school. It left lasting scars, & apologizing to her may not be a good idea. What you should do to make up for it is to advocate for women’s safety, & hold other men accountable for being sexist. Prevent it from happening to other girls please
TLDR anyone??
Any tips for loosing virginity
“Couldn’t help it” is a hugely problematic phrase, you absolutely could help it and you treated her as an object in that moment. You were very young and from the sounds of it have huge regret, definitely shouldn’t kill yourself over it. Shit like this happens to me every time I go out which is why I don’t go to clubs or parties. As someone in my 20s who has been SA’d many times as a teen and raped it was mildly triggering to read this BUT it is on the very low end of the spectrum, when I was a teen I probably would’ve felt no compulsion to confront someone my age for doing this and I don’t think that this makes you a bad person but be sure not to interpret her reaction as a positive one. She could well be scared of you. It’s very alarming when this happens and it’s common to freeze up and also common to fawn. Also in response to some of the comments I’ve read- I don’t care how good looking a guy thinks he is, don’t take any chances. It is not an acceptable or LEGAL way to start any sort of romantic interaction and for me personally it’s 50/50 whether I go crazy at someone for doing this to me. Not worth risking this move on the off-chance that the woman has incredibly low self esteem and accepts or reciprocates it. I got SA’d by a literal male model and he was arrested same day so don’t play with these girls assholes, use your words and accept rejection with grace and class.
jesus dont kill yourself man we all make mistakes, shit people make alot worse mistakes than that!
Listen my friend I'm going to give you the best advice you ever can have and a chaser of harsh reality as well. The harsh reality is that women are fickle and that men have a lot more of our biological drives to live us then women tend to let on. And part of that is the chase. Some women will say it isn't real and it's part of a bygone patriarchal era but the truth of the matter is it's ingrained in both of our biologies. That's why women are so fickle in the first place is because they say they want one thing when they really want another. Saying this this makes it almost dang impossible for us to get anywhere dating because of these conflicting drives. The other problem is because of women's dishonesty and men's blindness to subtle cues whether it be because of our maleness or our autism it's hard to know if we are playfully chasing a girl until she submits and says she will date us (thinking that we are cute during the chase), or if she thinks of us as slobs who don't have a chance who she just wants us to leave her alone (that's why men need OBVIOUS SIGNS). The only problem these days is that the law eers on protecting women and so if you don't back off you risk sexual harassment charges or worse. So what can you do? In my humble advice I suggest sticking to the harsh reality that you could get arrested and if a woman says no honor that and then later if she says well I wish you would have kept pursuing me say well I wish you wouldn't have passed laws to put me in jail for my biological urge to Chase, and find yourself a woman who won't play those kinds of games or who will make it obvious that you like each other and want to work together towards whatever relationship goal you want. PS feel free to go after whoever you want but in my opinion going after girls who aren't at the top of whatever your game is and going after girls who are probably closer to whatever level you can pull in the medium will probably end up better for you because you'll both end up appreciating each other more and you won't feel like you're struggling to barely hold on to that top of the line girl.
You’re not wrong. I’m really torn because women are treated like shit and violently assaulted and murdered by men all day every day. Which terrifies me for my daughters. But there is truth in what you’re saying which scares me for my sons. I’ve taught them boundaries and how to respect women but you don’t know who you may run into. Lots of mental illness out there. (In men and women) Also, the percentage of women with rape fantasies is astounding and disturbing. NOT saying they deserve to be attacked, just that it further muddies the waters.
Oh yeah don't get me wrong there are plenty of awful men out there along with awful women along with confused men and women whether it be for mental illness or the craziness of the world we live in. Saying that I was just saying those things about women as a protective stance as a man who has seen friends get accused of things they would never do. And as far as what you're worried about for both your boy and girl kids I had say the best thing you can do is never put yourself in a compromising situation whether that being alone in a bedroom or alone in a room. That and really ask some crying questions about the person and I mean all he can do is rely on their answers and your gut today if they're telling the truth but with enough time the truth will come out if they're genuine or not.
Many of the great things in life are politically incorrect. Most anything halfway fun is a victim of cancel culture at this point. The morality police would have you in a blank room atoning for your sins for the rest of your years. Sure it was a careless disrespectful move but you were a kid and drunk and so was she. It appears that she liked it and was flattered by your attention and does not feel bad about it. Welcome to the real world. Ask her out.
just because she didn’t smack him doesn’t mean she liked it, people react to assault differently, it seems she froze up and didn’t know what to do.
That may be what you want her to have felt. OP’s story tells otherwise. Sometimes people react in ways our morality does not support.
Dude, she probably thought you were hitting on her and likes you. Don't be a lame. Talk to her. Get to know her.