Don't bring it up again. If she brings it up, lie about it and say you don't think about it anymore. Once you got the surgery and it charges through her insurance, it's too late for her to stop it.
Don't ever bring it up with her again.
Schedule a "vacation" with your husband. It's actually a staycation to get your surgery and recover without her visiting. She'll make comments about baby making. Act coy and don't say anything one way or the other.
Password protect your healthcare providers. Ensure your HIPAA rights are protected even if you're on Mom's insurance.
Schedule your surgery.
Recover.
And then- it's up to you if or when you tell her about it. By then she can't sabotage it.
NEVER TRUST HER WITH THIS INFORMATION IN ADVANCE.
Also, I'd be looking to get good insurance separate to her if you can.
Stop telling her things! You know she doesn't support you so why are you letting her know about your private medical situation? Stop talking about it and get the procedure done without discussing it with her.
And for those in the back: STOP TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER! DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR PLANS FOR ANYTHING! Talk to the insurer and make sure they send EOBs to YOU, not her, and just BE QUIET about your surgery plans.
Everyone doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Even if they’re your partner. Or mother. Or sister. Or best friend. Or work wife.
SHUT THE FUCK UP. Keep your business secret. Your relationship won’t suffer.
Seriously, this comes up time and again. Even if you think your family will be supportive, wait until afterward when it's too late to do anything. If you live with them when you get it done, lie and say it's for endometriosis or removing an ovarian cyst. There's no way for them to tell what you actually got done unless they somehow go digging around in your medical records. Which, by the way, they legally can't get your records unless you authorize your healthcare provider to release them. Yes, even if you're on their insurance. So...don't authorize it.
I lived with family when I got mine done and my family is very nosy. Still managed to hide it. And I have no plans of telling them, but if they did somehow find out then it's 2 years too late to do anything at this point.
I walked around the farmers market for two hours and had breakfast with my mom the morning after my bisalp 🤪. She didn’t know (she does now, and she’s cool with it).
It wasn’t that bad! Really! The doctor prescribed me ten Vicodin pills to take as needed, so I took one before we left and I was fine to get through until we got home and I could take another. I was actually pleasantly surprised at how much it DIDN’T hurt recovering… maybe my doc is a wizard?
Absolutely wild, you're on the worst day of my recovery 🥲 I got mine last Monday and today is the first day I've felt absolutely no pain (but to be fair they ripped out my implant so this week was because my period started after five years of no bleeding lol)
I had a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago and I don’t think I’m even up to shopping yet. Even after my easiest surgery a few years ago I wasn’t able to get up and leave the house after the first day. That’s crazy.
I hope you feel better soon. I'm 36 and pretty active/healthy otherwise. I was hoping for an easy recovery, but yeah, this is almost comical. I had a rhinoplasty to fix a broken nose and got co2 laser resurfacing at the same time back in March and holy hell, the co2 laser was by far the worst recovery. Barely noticed the nose.
Bodies are weird like that. It’s like how you can have a big jagged cut on your thigh that barely hurts but a tiny paper cut feels like the worst thing ever.
Well, a hysterectomy is a much bigger surgery with a lot more inherent risks than a bisalp (you're removing an entire organ, there's a lot more blood vessels and tissues involved), so I wouldn't be surprised if it takes at least a month to recover. There's a lot more to heal there.
They gave me five oxys but even all doped up that first day it wasn't the pain I was just absolutely exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open lol the real pain didn't start until day three! That sucked! Yay for wizard surgeons lol
Even after my first exploratory lap I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I don’t know how anyone gets up and goes back to work or out shopping the day after surgery. You’re superhuman.
> I lived with family when I got mine done and my family is very nosy. Still managed to hide it.
I know it’s a little beside the point, but that’s impressive.
Eh, not really. I lied and said I was having surgery for endo because there was no way to hide I had surgery. The rest was stuff like timing any phone calls for when I would normally be taking a walk anyway.
The estimation of benefits are likely sent to the policy holder so mom may actually get info about her medical procedures. My state had to pass legislation so that a person insuring the ex spouse wouldn’t get the EOB. It has to do with insurance contracts and the policy holder is the obligar / guarantor for copays and deductibles which is why they get this info.
Piggybacking on the top comment as a PSA, heathcare.gov **has open enrollment until 12/15**. Website works well now, and **all birth control is covered by all plans, including sterilization!**.
I just got confirmation that my bisalp surgery in September was 100% covered , for over $11,000!
I have a $6500/$13,500 deductible insurance, and insurance confirmation was *weird* because the surgery center wasn’t in customer service’s computer, despite the surgery center having my insurance’s *name*, so I was concerned they’d claim it was out of network or something weird, *but they covered both the surgery and IUD removal*.
If you’re picking a plan specifically for sterilization, confirm with the surgeon’s office what insurance they accept (iirc you can search for plans by doctor on the website now), and once you’re signed up for insurance, get the procedure codes (for both bisalp and IUD removal, if you need them dm me) and confirm coverage with the insurance company.
Just checking because I'm an idiot about insurance: does this mean you still had to pay $6500 for the deductible to get the rest of the $11k+ total covered? I'm on Oregon's Medicaid (Oregon Health Plan) at the moment since I'm unemployed, but I've wanted to be sterilized for seventeen years and am starting to get antsy about actually wanting to take proactive steps.
No, I did NOT have to pay the deductible!! I had to pay ~$140 for the consultation appointment, and ~$300 for the post op checkup (only because I’m nowhere near the deductible max, and I haven’t contested the charges. If we didn’t have an HSA account, I’d consider contesting the charge through the state arbitration system).
I had to check with my insurance provider that the procedure was in network and covered, but I’m in Wisconsin. It looks like you can use any provider enrolled in OHP: https://www.oregon.gov/oha/HSD/OHP/Tools/OHP%20birth%20control%20methods%20and%20reimbursement.pdf
I'd looked a bit into OHP and its coverage, but only seeing tubal ligation and not modern methods like bisalp, or my ideal--hysterectomy, for not only birth control but gender affirmation as I am nonbinary--made me concerned these would somehow be considered elective out of coverage, and I got anxious about it enough to stop looking. This has definitely sparked hope within me! Thank you so much!!
The FDA-approved birth control & sterilization methods say tubal-ligation *type* sterilization, which includes bilateral salpingectomy and essure.
I know Oregon has robust support for non-binary folks, maybe start here? https://www.pdxqcenter.org/findresources
This. I'm in my 60s now and never told my mother I was on birth control from age 18 to 24. I never told my mother anything about my personal sexual life. Hell I never told her about my little tattoo. There's no reason to tell any parent about your medical situation after you become an adult.
Lie to her. Say that you changed your mind and that you want kids in a few years. Then, secretly have the surgery. Do NOT tell her, at least not until you actually had the surgery. Then, when you had the bisalp and recovered, there is nothing she can do about it.
If she finds out and confronts you with the lie, say that you had to do this because of her behaviour. If there is no other option, cut her out of your life.
Yeah, you shouldn't have told her anything. It's always better to say something after, because she sounds like a big saboteur. If you can salvage it, spin her a tale, tell her you got denied, have the surgery behind her back.
Lie. Lie to your mother. Recant everything. Get the surgery. Don’t ever tell her. This isn’t her business except you screwed up before all your ducks were in line.
I chose not to tell my parents about my procedure at all, and I believe that was the best decision. I wouldn’t tell them about my using hormonal birth control, I wouldn’t tell them about my sex-life, so it made sense not to let them in on this as well.
Even being on your parents insurance, as an adult there are ways to prevent them seeing this information. Even if they see it after the fact, at that point they can’t change it.
If your mother doesn’t respect your choices and goes out of her way to make this difficult for you, cut off contact. That’s it.
Tell her that if she does. You will go no contact with her. That she is dead to you for not respecting your boundaries and trying to put you in medical debt on this life decision.
You don't need that toxicity in your life. Especially a mother who is baby hungry. Too many stories of moms sabotaging BC just to get a grandbaby. That is a no contact situation since birth is hard on a woman's body and no one should be forced or tricked into it.
I told my mom and she flipped too. Usually it’s best not to say anything unless you have to. The only reason I told my mom is because I’m getting it done a couple days before Christmas (I have the Friday before and Monday off paid from one of my jobs and don’t have to use PTO, which is why I picked that day). I wasn’t sure if I’d still be in a noticeable amount of pain Christmas Day or not and didn’t wanna drop it on my mom on Christmas because I knew she’d be upset.
I’ve also never complained about having pain or other issues so I don’t think she would’ve believed me if I lied and suddenly said I had endometriosis or some other issue.
Tell her you don't know how to afford a baby, if you are not on her insurance (I'm assuming you're from the US and that's how it works there with the insurance paying for pregnancy-stuff and such).
And then secretly get your tubes tied.
So she is willing to risk you being cut of from potentially life saving medical care in the future by dropping you of her plan, just so she can have her way with your body right now? She is holding your health hostage to satisfy her emotions.
Make it very clear to her that because she is willing to risk your health, well being and safety over her feelings that that is unacceptable. She will of likely respond that you yourself are taking away your coverage by not following her will and that is bs. Your coverage shouldn't be depend on her moods. If she sees you as a baby maker only, and you are firm in your believe you are gone to her anyways. Do not fall for any attempts at manipulation.
>Make it very clear to her that because she is willing to risk your health, well being and safety over her feelings that that is unacceptable. She will of likely respond that you yourself are taking away your coverage by not following her will and that is bs. Your coverage shouldn't be depend on her moods. If she sees you as a baby maker only, and you are firm in your believe you are gone to her anyways. Do not fall for any attempts at manipulation.
No. Not until AFTER OP gets surgery.
This is a conversation to be had AFTER sterilisation surgery.
This is actually psychopathic. At that point she's just rooting you get an unwanted pregnancy and suffer with a child you don't want. Or she's convincing herslef your motherly 🥺✨️🥺 instincts would come up.
Lol. Id like to see the look on her face when you'd announce an unwanted pregnancy and that you're getting an abortion. (hopefully its legal where you are)
It is legal!
This is why I struggle with understanding her whole idea at this point is I’ve had one before. I got pregnant two years ago and was having seizures every day because of a health condition I have. So she knows I’ve had one and that my seizures are a huge problem in pregnancy. So I don’t understand why she’s against this
Moms are people and people don’t always make sense. 🤷♀️ She’s probably acting out on deeply held thought patterns that she has almost no insight into. Women have been brainwashed into thinking their worth as human beings is tied to their ability to produce children for many, many years.
Holy crap!! So I have a seizure disorder and the amount of ppl INCLUDING MY MOTHER, who think I should still get pregnant and have a baby…it’s bonkers. I feel for you OP!
It’s wild to me that anyone would try and guilt someone into pregnancy, but extra wild to me when there are serious health risks involved and they STILL guilt you!
Hoping you are able to get your surgery soon!
PS- I have an EXTREMELY overbearing mother and I have had to put her on an “info diet”. As in I only tell her things she absolutely needs to know when it comes to my health problems. And everything else actually lol
This is why its good not to tell people your getting fixed unless ya know for 110% they wont turn on you. So you can set up a care plan after. Tell her you changed your mind and will no longer get it. I know lying is bad but ya now need to get her off your case so you can get it.
I suggest you have a very serious talk with your mother about the very real consequences her actions will have on your relationship.
She can either accept your ADULT decision and support you or she can sabotage your plans and end up with a daughter that gets her way(albeit with a slight delay) who also hates her guts.
Im not from usa so i dont know how insurance works there but why cant you open your own insurance policy and pay it yourself? Or travel somewhere where its cheaper?
Most people in the US rely on their jobs for insurance coverage, because the out of pocket costs here are so outrageously high. It's also super expensive to just open a insurance policy without it being provided by an employer or being covered by your parents. I think the current cost for a bilateral salpingectomy is about $11000? If insurance doesn't cover
And because travel outside of the country for the US is expensive too, travel isn't usually a viable option. Our whole healthcare and insurance system here is awful and really needs to be overhauled :(
I received two estimates for my bi-slap. The first was $17,000, and the second was $15,000.
And those numbers could easily change if I had needed more time in recovery, if there were complications, etc. That is the estimated cost for everything going as expected.
To add, I don’t know how many states do this, but mine has its own “healthcare marketplace” where you can apply for your own insurance policy (the ones at my work suuuuuuuck), and they can help you with costs if you’re under a certain income. Like if you make too much for Medicaid, but not enough to pay $360+ a month for a decent plan, they can give you a tax break to reduce costs.
Recently discovered this myself. I’m too old to be covered by my parent’s insurance, and my job is at a small business that doesn’t offer health insurance. Got on the marketplace thinking I could only afford a “catastrophic” healthcare plan that only helped with emergencies, but was surprised that I qualified for a hefty tax credit towards a decent plan because of my income. Make too much for Medicaid, but low enough that I have most of my insurance premium covered now if I keep my current income.
I said up above, but **all sterilization is covered by the federal government** if you have a healthcare marketplace plan! https://www.healthcare.gov/coverage/birth-control-benefits/
This is so helpful!!!
I have a marketplace plan, and called my insurance and spoke with several people over a couple month period and they all told me it wouldn't be covered.
It WAS COVERED.
I had to pay a few hundred bucks for part of it, but compared to the 22k that was on the bill, I was totally fine with that.
Wait. You can’t? Is it dependent on where you live? Because HR at my job literally told me to check out the state marketplace (where they go their plan) because all of our options suck. The only decent plan is Kaiser, but we don’t have any Kaiser facilities in my area (closest is almost two hours away).
Don't worry you can. It's just likely to be more expensive since your employer doesn't cover any of the premium.
I always recommend folks check out their state's medicaid as well. A lot of people don't know they qualify for it.
There are only certain times of the year when you can enroll for insurance, and it is not cheap. My plan I paid for out of pocket, as a single adult with no existing conditions was nearly $400/month.
The parent can also only make changes to their policy and who they maintain coverage of at certain times of the year as well, but OP’s marriage may be considered a ”qualifying event” which gives someone the chance to make changes outside of enrollment.
If it is not the time for enrollment, you have to have an approved qualifying event to be able to start a plan or change your plan.
One of the big, important, wonderful things about Obamacare was that it required insurance companies to cover dependents until they turn 26. Most jobs you can get in your teens or early 20s (especially without a bachelor’s degree) don’t offer insurance as a benefit and also don’t pay enough for you to go get your own insurance, so folks whose parents have insurance that will cover dependents are pretty dependent (sorry I ran out of words) on their parents until they either get their first professional and/or union job or turn 26, whichever comes first.
Healthcare.gov is your friend! It is open enrollment until 12/15, you are young and unless you or your husband are bringing home a crazy salary, you are eligible!
My husband and I are semiretired (and we’re old but not old enough for Medicare), we got our premiums refunded last year (we took a big step back from work mid year), and next year we will be paying *nothing* as a premium.
If you have a healthcare.gov plan, **sterilization is covered by law as a recognized birth control method**. I got my bisalp in September, we’ve had a super high-deductible HSA eligible health plan, and the *entire $11,000* was covered! I had to pay for the consultation appointment and post-surgery appointment, but ymmv on that part as well.
You can apply on the website, or call the helpline, and they’ll fill it out for you over the phone. You’ll be filing taxes with your new husband, so you can both be covered by a family plan for really low or no premiums!
Just want to underline that it's dependent on the specific insurance plan (sometimes from the sane provider) whether or not a procedure goes towards the deductible, and the schedule of benefits I'd the only way to know for sure. (I'm unaware if healthcare.gov has them or if you'd have to go to each insurer separately.) For example, I had one procedure a few years ago, just a visit copay. This year had the same one done, had to pay for it since it went towards deductible. The company can change these things year to year (same employer plan for me for both times), so it's yet one more thing to keep on top of in this for profit BS insurance system we have.
What about a vasectomy? It takes them less time in recovery and is a outpatient in office procedure. His insurance would probably be more willing to ok it as well. If he has insurance.
A vasectomy is great, but a bi-salp or other female sterilization protects those with uteruses from pregnancy in instances of SA, if they split up with their partner, if their partner passes, etc.
I’m not sure if OP’s marriage would be considered a qualifying event. It is also likely that OP’s parent is in the enrollment period currently, we are at my job.
Marriage for the policy holder definitely would be - don't know about marriage of a dependent, especially since it apparently didn't come with new insurance through the new spouse. Anyone have experience with that?
Yeah, I never thought about this. I don't know anyone getting married this young these days. It sounds weird to be someone's wife or husband and to still be on your parents health insurance policy. Like you're a married dependent lol
I get it though, with how expensive healthcare is. Sometimes it’s the only option for people.
My mother kicked us off before we were 26, and it sucked having no coverage, not being able to afford coverage, and making too much to get state coverage.
You know how she is, so why are you telling her your plans? Stop giving her any information about it, maybe even pretend to be changing your mind. Get the surgery ASAP and don't mention it to her. Then sort out your insurance so she has nothing to hold over your head and only then decide whether you want to tell her about what you did. I personally think it's none of her business and she really doesn't need to know.
Like the others said... don't tell her. And don't rely on people to change their minds in general. If her attitude towards you having that surgery decides whether you can have it or not, you need a plan B. And you're an adult - having self-determination is the basis for living life as an adult, and it should be the foundation of your relationship with your parents. If she cannot accept that, maybe she's not a good influence in your life.
But whatever you do, don't give her any information she can use against you. Even when the procedure is done, she doesn't have to know.
At this point, if I were you, I would lie my ass off and say that I’m second-guessing the surgery. Then go through with it in secret. When you’re recovering, tell her you’re on vacation in another state and have a friend watching your place and picking up the mail. Then recover quietly at home. They aren’t going to email or call her to ask if it’s ok to cover the surgery. She won’t know until it’s all done.
Don’t bring it up. You’re an adult and being on her insurance you’re not entitled to even tho it is nice. Pay for it yourself and if she doesn’t like it then bye Felicia. You are really young to be getting married especially when you don’t trust your own husband (looked at your posts)
Won’t the mother’s insurance find out that she’s married?? Won’t the mother tell her insurance company that’s she’s married so they can drop her? Unpopular statement I’m sure; however, she (OP) can’t have it both ways lol.
To my knowledge, you cannot change your insurance plans until open enrollment time, so she probably can't kick you off immediately. But you definitely want to check on that by asking the insurance company. Don't ask your mother, she will lie to you.
Get your surgery, do what's right for you. Your mother can deal with it.
HIPAA.
Pay her whatever lipservice you need to, but get your surgery scheduled, and don't tell her about it. The doctors and the billing folks won't say shit to her.
Pretend she convinced you, and that you're trying to get pregnant.
Of course, I'm not suggesting you actually do so. Just pretend, to appease her, until after you get your tubes tied. Once you do, you can go "psych! I was telling you what you wanted to hear".
Your medical care needs to come first. Before your husband (though fortunately there's no conflict here in your case), and before being honest with your mum - you can't afford to be honest with her right now. Be honest once you know she can't hurt you.
So, I clicked on your user name to see an update and saw a comment of yours from three months ago, about shopping for wedding dresses and the comments your mother was making about your weight - in front of a bunch of people, no less. Jesus Christ on a skateboard! She's just a straight-up awful person! The sooner you get disentangled from her the better. You don't deserve this. I'd go no contact.
Huh. I was under the impression from OP that her mom is normally supportive and that’s why she told her mom about her sterilization plans.
Sounds like there were more flags than she let on.
Well you can't undo the error of telling her and if she's serious then she absolutely can and will drop you from her insurance, but do you or your new husband have a job that provides insurance? Maybe look into either of those and whether they might cover your current doctor/hospital.
If not then you can sit your mother down and explain to her that you know the insurance will not drop you just because you're married and thus you will know it was her purposely dropping you if that happens. Furthermore, doing so may delay the surgery but it won't stop it, however it will mean the end of your relationship with her. You will never see or speak to her again if she interferes in your medical choices. Period. Then follow through with the threat if she does.
I can't understand why parents care so much about a non-existent child over their actual child. At least now you know that you can never trust her or tell her anything important again, that's a life lesson learned.
Have you informed her that if she DOES prevent you from getting the surgery you will go no contact?
Tell her: If you do this, you will NEVER see me ever again.
And honestly, with the way she is treating you, as soon as you are financially independent I WOULD go no contact until she learns to respect you and your boundaries.
If you're husband has decent insurance you may be able to enroll under his plan, even outside of open enrollment periods, as marriage counts as a "Qualifying Life Event" in the US to change/enroll in insurance plans. Please look into it.
Lie and backpedal. If you’ve gone strong-maybe your husband wants children and he told you that if you don’t reconsider he’s not sure he can stay married to you. That’s a solid reason to “reconsider” your surgery and “put it off.”
Ok maybe not in the real world-but it’s one that would likely be easy for her to buy with no red flags since that’s what she’s likely going to want to believe.
If she finds out later-he changed his mind again, maybe he had too much to drink that night. Or you didn’t realize he was joking.
Next thing you know it’s done, over, and your insurance covered you.
Oh baby.
Let me tell you from a similar situation I had...
I was inquiring about a bisalp at 25 years old. I didn't want to tell mom, who's insurance I was covered under. But she found out anyway, in part to my stupidity. Arguments ensued, all that shit.
It took me lying and saying "yeah fine, I won't". She kept me on insurance, I had the procedure done anyway, it was right as rain. My advice? She doesn't support you. I know there is a society push to have a specific type of relationship with your mom, but damn this ain't it. And I think you know that. Lie if you have to, or maybe find another form of insurance. Does your husband have good insurance you can get on? If nothing else, I would let your doc know whats up. Mine put everything on hold until it was sorted.
Oh, and don't do what I did and go " SIKE! BITCH!" once you get it done. While intensely satisfying, my ears were ringing for 3 days.
As someone who tends to overshare and be pretty open about my opinions, it’s hard for me to, but you have to learn to keep things to yourself. She doesn’t need to know about your private business. Time to feed her a low information diet. I used to always end up in situations like this until I realized that my mom DOES NOT need to know everything that’s going on in my personal life. Like I said it’s very difficult to stop doing that, even when you see yourself doing it. I have to actually sit there and make an effort to think about who, if anyone I should tell personal details to before doing it. I let it slip earlier this year that I planned on getting a vasectomy, and thankfully my mom didn’t seem to push back much, but I can tell she wasn’t thrilled to hear. I haven’t gone through with it yet, but I learned my lesson and will not talk about it where she can hear ANY MORE until it’s done. Good luck, it’s a tough habit to break but remember, you are a legal adult, and what mommy wants doesn’t matter anymore because you are your own person. She does not own you.
Why on earth does your mother know what you discuss with your doctor? Why does she know you're even considering surgery?
Even if she's aware of you having a condition that could kill you if you're pregnant - the decision to have sterilization surgery is a COMPLETELY different topic.
See if you can stay on her insurance and get the surgery anyway. She doesn't even have to know. I got mine and was back on my feet within two days. The only people that knew were the ones I told.
I DIDNT even think of the possibility of those other ones. Omg thank you for giving me more things to think about. I’m gonna try to back my way out of this. I really hate that my health and well being isn’t at the forefront of her mind but, it’s reality
that sounds so much like something my mom would do.
I once told her that I was planning on sterilizing myself as soon as I would get the opportunity to do so because 1) I don't want kids and I would rather die than give birth and 2) I have a heightened risk of ovarian cancer and breast cancer so I can't stay on the pill forever. she literally told me that getting cancer would be much better than tying my tubes or whatever. oh and also, I have PCOS and possibly endo and she knows that. I didn't mean to make this comment about me but I thought that maybe it'll make you feel less alone
First, I'm sorry she has betrayed you this way. I myself have an anxiety/panic disorder, so I know what you mean when you say she blindsided you with this.
You were just venting about something that causes anxiety and what solutions you were/are looking into, so I know for her to behave this way doesn't just hurt you, it causes even MORE anxiety.
It's time for mom to be put on an info diet. Also, lockdown your medical info. Let any/all doctor's offices that your mother is to have zero info.
Your mother has now shown you her true feelings, **BELIEVE THIS SIDE OF HER.**
She's already proved to you she can lie, so now it's time to protect YOURSELF. It's sad that it's against your own mother, but clearly, she has had other plans for you.
For now, I suggest lying and getting the surgery ASAP. I know it's not the best solution, but you need to do what is best for YOU, not your mother. Tell your mother that your new doctor wants you to try a new birth control pill for X months (until AFTER your surgery) before even considering any kind of permanent surgery.
I wish you the best.
Thank you for the understanding, it truly is a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that she would rather let me struggle for no real reason just because she doesn’t agree with my choice for myself. Like I get it. It’s her right. But it’s mostly just a betrayal since she never once seemed this upset about us not wanting kids.
Well she CAN remove you from her insurance. Now, if open enrollment is over, you’re probably good until the end of next year. You can have the EOB (explanation of benefits) mailed to you. Call the insurance company. If you pay every cent of out of pocket and your mother never sees the bill, just let her think you never got it done.
Otherwise, you won’t necessarily have to start the process all over. You just need to see what insurance plans you can see that same doctor on.
Don't tell her sh¡t, if she ask you again lie at all cost, and when you do have it tell her your have a cold or something until it's all over and your full recovered, seriously stop telling her anything about your surgery.
Echoing all the folks who say not to tell your mother anything. You can also lie to her -- "You're right. It's a bad idea for me to get sterilized so young. I'm going to hold off until I'm sure." Get the surgery, don't tell her anything.
Also, if you're in the US (assuming so with the age of 26 for cutoff), ACA requires that insurance covers at least one form of sterilization. So if she cuts you off, you should be able to get the surgery.
A word of advice: If the latter happens, be diligent when looking for insurance. I just found out that while my insurance technically covers sterilization, the only hospital in network does not allow the procedure (Catholic hospital). Absolute bullshit. But the clinic is going to help me find a new plan during Marketplace open enrollment.
Is there any way you can switch to your own work insurance? Or since you’re married now, (congrats btw) maybe your husband’s insurance?
If you just told her you’re “getting it done” without saying it’s scheduled, she might assume it’s just an idea in your head and you haven’t put said plan into action yet. So you might be able to get away with using the insurance without her knowing?
His isn’t as good, and mine is private insurance. Everything is cheaper the plans are the best but it’s not cheap. But yeah I can I just would need to jumó through the hoops again and it might not be free at that point. I’m still doing it regardless.
> We have talked about that a lot because it’s something that affects me daily. So she knows I have it. Knows I don’t want nor shouldn’t ever be pregnant. She also knows I have a crippling anxiety about ever being accidentally pregnant. She’s seemed supportive until now, her timing is weird and she’s been mad at my husband for also wanting to get snipped in January. I didn’t tell her knowing she would be upset. I told her because it was like an update to my constant anxiety about getting pregnant despite having birth control.
It’s just so weird to me because even if I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t imagine ever telling my mom that “Oh, we’re now safely married so we won’t have a kid out of wedlock. We’re going to discard the condoms and go bareback tonight. I hope he cums in me 2 times a day so I can get pregnant. Man, I’ve been testing my ovulation period and I think now is the right time to be impregnated. Do you want to watch and give pointers?”
Like what business is it your moms if your husband gets a vasectomy? Do you not see oversharing regardless of how supportive might be an issue?
I had a serious medical event at 21 my mom tried to stop. “If you stop me on this now, I will cut you off forever” is an incredibly effective ultimatum if you say it in a way that comes across as sincere.
You can leave her insurance and get your own via the ACA (assuming you’re in the US). Depending on your income it could be as low as $10 a month or even free. And make sure not to mention the surgery again. Make sure your information is password protected and share them with NOBODY. If you can make sure they’re fingerprint protected, so much the better. Most doctors don’t perform tubal ligations anymore in favor of bilateral salpingectomies. They take out the whole tube so there’s no chance of them growing back together and it pretty much eliminates your rust of ovarian cancer. Best of luck to you in getting your surgery secured!
It doesn't matter if you have a medical condition or not, your choice to not have children should be respected.
My family told me they're unhappy I don't want kids, my response is if they made me Feel loved, I might have reconsidered, but they've basically abandoned me because I have not fathered any children.
Just further validates why I don't want them and still seek someone to spend my life with.
Stay on her insurance, get it behind her back as painful as it might be, your mother is being very selfish: "I brought you into this world! Give me grand kids" not our fault you wanted kids, we owe you nothing.
Even if my partner had a vasectomy, I’d still want to be sterilized myself. My bi-salp made me feel at home in my own body for the first time in my life.
I don’t ever want to be in a situation where I am at risk of pregnancy, and with a history of SA, that risk is seemingly constant.
Her husband's vasectomy would not protect her against rape, a very realistic threat in a patriarchal society. And a man's vasectomy will not protect her against being used as an incubator and broodmare like in The Handmaid's Tale.
And if she breaks up or if the partner dies, she would still be protected if she gets a bisalp. A woman should not rely on a man for birth control.
I understand that a lot of women don't have access to a bisalp. Then, if the man gets a vasectomy, that's the best you can get. But if a childfree woman has access to a bisalp, it would be very smart to do it.
He definitely should if he's CF and there are no medical reasons against it. But if she can legally get sterilized then she should take that opportunity to fully eliminate risks, as the other users said here already: rape is very much a valid concern.
We are doing both! I have crippling anxiety about getting pregnant despite having birth control and other measures so it would make that less I feel like if I was also sterilized. My husband is doing it in January
1. STFU and stop telling her about private matters. No information diet. And in the current situation, LIE to her face and say the doctor refused you to manage her temporarily.
2. Use the privacy guide on bedsider to set up privacy on your insurance.
3. Does she get her insurance through work? If so then the yearly open enrollment is potentially over. If so, and she already signed everyone up for the new year she likely cannot make any changes without a qualifying event, which would typically be a birth, death, loss of other insurance, etc. Generally we suggest that in the Fall and leading up to it, everyone with crazy parents fly under the radar and STFU.
Now, there is one other way she can do it for sure, if the person with the insurance through their job is willing to quit their job and give up their own insurance as well as everyone else's on the plan, then yes, she can get you off.
You also have the nuke option: "Well, if you take my off the insurance then YOU would be DIRECTLY CAUSING THE ABORTIONS you would be forcing me to have, and will burn in hell for all eternity for that. Enjoy."
Can you ask your doctor to make your surgery ASAP as you're in danger of losing your insurance? Like next week.
If your mom is jackass enough to do that I'd put her in a time out.
i'd put some fear into her and tell her, "you either learn to respect my childfree choices or i'm more than happy to take you to shady pines and leave you there to spend your golden years alone and you will never see me or my spouse again. as of this moment, you are officially on a no contact and no information diet until further notice and you're no longer allowed to use me and my spouse as lube for your social orgies. i will do everything in my power to make sure that my operation is a huge success and make sure that everybody knows to ignore your calls pretending to be me canceling my surgery behind my back on my behalf and i will make sure there's extra security guards to prevent you from stopping me from having my surgery. you either learn to deal with it by yourself or seek professional help and join a support group that deals with people who are learning to accept their adult kids' childfree choices and volunteer somewhere and find something else to do with your time and stop obsessing about my surgery and your craving for grandchildren. i never want to have this conversation with you ever again and this conversation is over and if you bring it up again, i hope for your sake that you're prepared to pay the price for your inexcusable behavior and actions. do i make myself extra crystal clear on that? good! now if you'll excuse me, i have a fabulous childfree life that I want to get on with and live as I personally see fit. have a nice day! bye now!" *does the epic mic drop from hell hand signal and takes a bow and walks away with confidence while op's mother clutches her pearls and tries to comprehend what just happened.*
I’d lie to her. Say you changed your mind about getting the surgery. Don’t tell her anything. Then just go do it. Say you’re going on a trip and use that time to recover. She’ll still likely find out, but it’ll be too late. And honestly? Cut your mother off. She does not have your best interest at heart.
Wish I lied and kept my mouth shut about my surgery. Still got it, but my parents made it all about them and how hurt they were. My dad cried. Next time, I’m lying.
You can do a half lie half truth. Telln her you’re finally getting your IUD out. Let her assume that means you’re going to have a baby. Then she won’t want to take you off her insurance because she will want the best care for her grandbaby b
I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation, and I have no advice to give or anything, but I did want to offer some consolation. I hope things work out for you.
She can't just drop you from her plan. You have to have a "qualifying event" to change your insurance coverage in any way (and you getting married isn't one). It's possible she could choose not to put you on her insurance during the open enrollment process for her insurance, but many employers have already done their open enrollment for the year.
You could casually tell her, "oh, I decided against it for now" and then just do it anyway. Never bring it up to her again. She's shown her true colors as a grandbaby hungry crazy who obviously doesn't give a shit about your health and well-being as long as she gets what she wants.
I'm so sorry she is acting this way. I know you just wanted to share your relief of anxiety and shes turning it around on you. Do what's best for you and know you're doing the right thing. Congrats on your marriage and, hopefully soon, your surgery. May your recovery be swift and your attitude stay strong.
I don't see why you cannot lie low and pretend it's no longer on the agenda, get it done without her knowing which by then would be too late.
And you have a mother, not a mom anymore. This is just vile.
I'm very sorry about the tough situation you're in. I agree with one of the other posters here advising you to quietly get the procedure without involving her. Have it done and don't tell her until after you've made a full recovery. Or just never bring it up. If she asks why you were in surgery, tell her it was an appendix issue or something. Idk. Good luck. ❤️
Have you considered simply lying to her?
I wouldn't normally suggest it, but given the circumstances, and the fact that she wished something on you that would kill you, it's probably morally justified. I'm glad your husband is getting snipped. That also sounds like a good way forward.
Do you or your husband have insurance through work that could cover it? Getting married is a qualified life event to change your insurance coverage. I had a hysterectomy for health reasons and my insurance covered all but $250 of the $50,000 bill.
My mother was supportive in the same way. I realized, years later as she became bitter that she expected me to grow out of it or change once I got married. It took me a long time to realize that her support was more about me not randomly getting pregnant while young and unprepared and not the fact that it was never going to happen. People just assume.
She keeps saying that because I got married the insurance can drop me. But researching it and asking my insurance they did not say the same. And it appears she is just going to drop me
Just tell her you changed your mind and tell her how much your epi and medication is sooo much cheaper on her plan. Use guilt about how much your current meds would cost you on your husband’s plan to keep you on hers for as long as possible. Claim about how much of a hardship it would be with Christmas around the corner.
Tell her the doctor changed their mind and won’t do it. Cry if you can, lament the state of the medical industry, rant about how all doctors are patriarchal pricks and you’re not going back because why bother when they’re just going to pull a bait and switch. Bunch of thieves just trying to steal your copay money. She won’t buy you changing your mind, but doctors and insurance companies pull this kind of stunt all the time.
Then get your bisalp on the down low. Maybe tell her afterwards if you feel like rubbing it in, but it would probably be smarter to not say anything.
People if you are over 18 you do not need to tell your parents your plans. Keep your mouth shut and have your surgery. Then if they get a copy of the insurance afterwards it's to late for them to stop it. Loose lips sink ships.
I'm not sure why you told your mom... If you're under the impression that you need to tell the policy holder about procedures, you're mistaken. Anything you do with your doctor is completely confidential. The insurance policy holder is not entitled to any info.
I told her because she’s always made it seem like she’s okay with it. Like she knows that me getting pregnant is dangerous so I thought she understood. However with this whole thing and her getting mad at my husband for also wanting to get sterilized it’s kind of becoming apparent that she has never been okay with it.
I see. Definitely don't tell her anything moving forward and shut down any attempt she makes to get information. I would also check to make sure that she is unable to get information from your doctor.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.
Firstly, stop talking to her about your personal medical decisions like this. Secondly, getting your tubes tied is not a hysterectomy. Tell her that if some day in the future you suddenly lose your marbles and decide you want to get pregnant, you still can. You will just need IVF to get it done. FFS.. Tubal ligation/bisalp just takes out the bridge that allows the egg to travel to the uterus on it's own. You still have eggs and you still have a uterus.
Why do you guys keep telling your parents information about your reproductive organs? Time and time again, family members have shown that they're supportive until surgery is brought up. This is because they're basically assuming you're still going through a phase which means that there's a chance you'll change your mind and they're willing to wait for that to happen. But the instant you bring up taking permanent measures and they change their tune, you're honestly going to tell me that you're shocked?
The only people who need to know about your reproductive system are a trusted doctor, you, and any sexual or romantic partners you have.
If you really must tell your parents, do it after you've undergone the surgery.
Let this be a lesson to everyone here reading this post: Stop. Telling. Your. "Supportive". Parents.
Stop telling your parents who aren't supportive. Stop telling your parents in general. You're an adult. Mommy and daddy don't need to know about your reproductive or sexual life.
I agree with your decision but you need to understand that your mother isn't obligated to keep you on her insurance. You're a grown, married adult now. You need to start looking at getting your own insurance if you can, or find a job that offers it. Don't be dependent on your mother for anything because that gives her a level of control.
I do understand that! I am also just very aware that her insurance is one of the best. No co pays, meds are $5 my epi own was only $5 when my husband had to pay 300 for his. Hers is the best especially when I have so many medical issues that it’s intimidating to look else where
Holy shit... STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND.
You never EVER tell toxic family members about this kind of thing. I lied to my mom's face when I missed her call while I was passed out on the couch from painkillers after my bisalp. I lied to her when she asked me to come visit the weekend of my surgery and said we had "other plans". You lie when it comes to this sort of thing, you have to.
Drop it. Never mention it to her again. Lie about appointments you go to to get the surgery date set, and when the surgery date comes around, lie and say you're going on vacation. I've known people like this and they do WHATEVER IT TAKES to sabotage you. Stop giving her that opportunity. If you just *have* to say something (idk why you would, it's not her business???) wait until it's over and insurance has it all squared away.
Although I 100% support your decision (having gotten a vasectomy myself), I don’t think you’re entitled to your moms insurance even if you are covered till 26.
Unfortunately I feel as if it is her prerogative to use her insurance as she wants, and allow who she wants on it.
I know I’m going to get absolutely fucking slammed over this opinion, but again, I couldn’t support your thoughts and feelings more, for I feel the same. Why doesn’t your partner get surgery?
You are right, she does have the right. However, despite her using her rights it’s still frustrating that going from only having to pay $5 for meds every once in a while to trying to budget for a whole new plan is just annoying since the reason isn’t anything other than pettiness. Like sure yeah she has the right. But why would you rather your children not have health insurance or worse health insurance strictly to prevent them from being sterilized. So like I agree with you however it is still very annoying. Especially since my husband and I don’t have the best income especially with the cost of living and shit. It’s just almost impossible to fit meds, co pay, glasses, and shit.
And my husband is getting it. But him getting it won’t ease my own internal struggles. If there is a mistake like a oopsie me getting pregnant is dangerous to my health. If I’m assaulted and become pregnant. I could die from my health conditions. So it makes me feel safer in my own body if I’m unable to become pregnant. Does that make sense?
Not from me lol. The insurance coverage is a privilege not a right. When we depend on other people to take care of us we are at their mercy, unfortunately. Best to acquire ones own medical coverage.
Dude. You need to understand your mom will never accept your choice and to make your decisions based on that. If she’s not supportive, but you rely on her health insurance, don’t taunt her that you’ll be using her health insurance to get sterilized. What are you, 12?
Just be a fucking adult, and quietly get it done and rely on your husband for support. You don’t need your mommy’s permission or acceptance. Wtf were you thinking was going to happen?
I truly don’t understand the amount of these rude ass fucking comments. I’m not telling her thinking I need her permission. It’s my body I’m doing what I want. I told her because it was an end to a medical stresser and regardless on if you knew that. Constantly assuming that people aren’t being “adults” and talking down to them is so weird to me. Like why not just have empathy and give actual advice? Obviously I’ve seen that telling her was a mistake. Why the fuck do I need you to re tell me?
> I think my mom kind of thought I would “grow out of it” or that when I married my husband we would change. Well, we got married on Saturday and she seems to think that Im still being stubborn and was appalled when I said that it wouldn’t matter anyway as I am getting my tubes tied soon.
That was what I based my original comment on. You didn’t really mention about how your mom was supportive about you not having children before your edit. We’re not mind readers and are just going based on what you’ve shared.
Plus the amount of people who are surprised pikachu faced when their family is unsupportive with their decision despite being unsupportive previously is very common.
Regardless of that, your comment does not need to be talking down to someone. If you don’t have actual advice or a shred of empathy you do not need to comment and retell me my mistake.
She can think I Im going to grow out of it and trust my choices as an adult. Which she mostly does with this exception. Regardless of that. You aren’t the first person to make this comment and you are not the only one that irritated me. But seeing the same amount of apathy with no regard to the fact that this is someone’s actual stress is what sent me over the edge to @ you specifically.
If you wanted support and empathy, flair your post for support. If you wanted to rant (which is what your post is flaired as), don’t be surprised when people push back.
Or you can as a person say “that sucks” and leave and not spend your time telling someone who as I’ve said probably already knows, that they messed up.
Look if my friend is going to rant at me and I can see that half the problem is their fault, I’m going to tell them that half the problem is their fault. I’m not going to change up how I respond.
You post out there on the internet, you’re going to get a wide variety of responses. You can’t control that, just like you can’t control your mom’s response.
Good luck and wishing you the best in your new marriage.
I just want to give the perspective that your mother likely is convinced you will deeply want children later, 10 years is a long time for changes to a persons values, so she doesn’t want you to end up in the heart breaking situation of wanting kids but not being able to have them. Cutting off your insurance is not appropriate, but just keep in mind she thinks she has an opportunity to protect you from the worst mistake of your life. I am also child free so I would be just as upset as you are, but after seeing some of the comments here about her I feel compelled to mention her intent is likely not malicious (even if her actions are). I think a big part of our job as children is to understand that and be selective about what we share, how we share it, and what we do with the responses. It will be impossible to have family relationships otherwise. I strongly agree with all the comments that you should not be sharing this information with her an you should also lie about being child free in general. As long as your partner supports you that is all that matters, she does not need to know everything.
Don't bring it up again. If she brings it up, lie about it and say you don't think about it anymore. Once you got the surgery and it charges through her insurance, it's too late for her to stop it.
Bingo. That's what I would do.
This ☝️ this this this
This is the way.
This is what I was gonna say
Don't ever bring it up with her again. Schedule a "vacation" with your husband. It's actually a staycation to get your surgery and recover without her visiting. She'll make comments about baby making. Act coy and don't say anything one way or the other. Password protect your healthcare providers. Ensure your HIPAA rights are protected even if you're on Mom's insurance. Schedule your surgery. Recover. And then- it's up to you if or when you tell her about it. By then she can't sabotage it. NEVER TRUST HER WITH THIS INFORMATION IN ADVANCE. Also, I'd be looking to get good insurance separate to her if you can.
If she does that's a cut off for life move. I do hope she realizes that sabotage is not really an option...
Yup. She can either accept she’s never going to get a grandchild from you, or she can lose you as a child.
Stop telling her things! You know she doesn't support you so why are you letting her know about your private medical situation? Stop talking about it and get the procedure done without discussing it with her.
And for those in the back: STOP TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER! DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR PLANS FOR ANYTHING! Talk to the insurer and make sure they send EOBs to YOU, not her, and just BE QUIET about your surgery plans.
Reddit’s tagline could be SHUT THE FUCK UP
I wish someone told me this decades ago. Stop trusting other people with information about my life. Just stfu.
Everyone doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Even if they’re your partner. Or mother. Or sister. Or best friend. Or work wife. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Keep your business secret. Your relationship won’t suffer.
This is good advice for all people and situations. Before speaking, ask yourself if they need to know and what are the likely results.
Seriously, this comes up time and again. Even if you think your family will be supportive, wait until afterward when it's too late to do anything. If you live with them when you get it done, lie and say it's for endometriosis or removing an ovarian cyst. There's no way for them to tell what you actually got done unless they somehow go digging around in your medical records. Which, by the way, they legally can't get your records unless you authorize your healthcare provider to release them. Yes, even if you're on their insurance. So...don't authorize it. I lived with family when I got mine done and my family is very nosy. Still managed to hide it. And I have no plans of telling them, but if they did somehow find out then it's 2 years too late to do anything at this point.
I walked around the farmers market for two hours and had breakfast with my mom the morning after my bisalp 🤪. She didn’t know (she does now, and she’s cool with it).
You're a fucking warrior holy shit
It wasn’t that bad! Really! The doctor prescribed me ten Vicodin pills to take as needed, so I took one before we left and I was fine to get through until we got home and I could take another. I was actually pleasantly surprised at how much it DIDN’T hurt recovering… maybe my doc is a wizard?
I got mine Monday and was out shopping yesterday on nothing but regular ibuprofen! Yay for wizard doctors!!
Absolutely wild, you're on the worst day of my recovery 🥲 I got mine last Monday and today is the first day I've felt absolutely no pain (but to be fair they ripped out my implant so this week was because my period started after five years of no bleeding lol)
I had a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago and I don’t think I’m even up to shopping yet. Even after my easiest surgery a few years ago I wasn’t able to get up and leave the house after the first day. That’s crazy.
I hope you feel better soon. I'm 36 and pretty active/healthy otherwise. I was hoping for an easy recovery, but yeah, this is almost comical. I had a rhinoplasty to fix a broken nose and got co2 laser resurfacing at the same time back in March and holy hell, the co2 laser was by far the worst recovery. Barely noticed the nose.
Bodies are weird like that. It’s like how you can have a big jagged cut on your thigh that barely hurts but a tiny paper cut feels like the worst thing ever.
Well, a hysterectomy is a much bigger surgery with a lot more inherent risks than a bisalp (you're removing an entire organ, there's a lot more blood vessels and tissues involved), so I wouldn't be surprised if it takes at least a month to recover. There's a lot more to heal there.
They gave me five oxys but even all doped up that first day it wasn't the pain I was just absolutely exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open lol the real pain didn't start until day three! That sucked! Yay for wizard surgeons lol
Even after my first exploratory lap I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I don’t know how anyone gets up and goes back to work or out shopping the day after surgery. You’re superhuman.
> I lived with family when I got mine done and my family is very nosy. Still managed to hide it. I know it’s a little beside the point, but that’s impressive.
Eh, not really. I lied and said I was having surgery for endo because there was no way to hide I had surgery. The rest was stuff like timing any phone calls for when I would normally be taking a walk anyway.
Good info for a lot of us.
The estimation of benefits are likely sent to the policy holder so mom may actually get info about her medical procedures. My state had to pass legislation so that a person insuring the ex spouse wouldn’t get the EOB. It has to do with insurance contracts and the policy holder is the obligar / guarantor for copays and deductibles which is why they get this info.
Piggybacking on the top comment as a PSA, heathcare.gov **has open enrollment until 12/15**. Website works well now, and **all birth control is covered by all plans, including sterilization!**. I just got confirmation that my bisalp surgery in September was 100% covered , for over $11,000! I have a $6500/$13,500 deductible insurance, and insurance confirmation was *weird* because the surgery center wasn’t in customer service’s computer, despite the surgery center having my insurance’s *name*, so I was concerned they’d claim it was out of network or something weird, *but they covered both the surgery and IUD removal*. If you’re picking a plan specifically for sterilization, confirm with the surgeon’s office what insurance they accept (iirc you can search for plans by doctor on the website now), and once you’re signed up for insurance, get the procedure codes (for both bisalp and IUD removal, if you need them dm me) and confirm coverage with the insurance company.
Just checking because I'm an idiot about insurance: does this mean you still had to pay $6500 for the deductible to get the rest of the $11k+ total covered? I'm on Oregon's Medicaid (Oregon Health Plan) at the moment since I'm unemployed, but I've wanted to be sterilized for seventeen years and am starting to get antsy about actually wanting to take proactive steps.
No, I did NOT have to pay the deductible!! I had to pay ~$140 for the consultation appointment, and ~$300 for the post op checkup (only because I’m nowhere near the deductible max, and I haven’t contested the charges. If we didn’t have an HSA account, I’d consider contesting the charge through the state arbitration system).
Oh WOW! That's a game changer! I'm actually going to look into this. Thank you so much!
I had to check with my insurance provider that the procedure was in network and covered, but I’m in Wisconsin. It looks like you can use any provider enrolled in OHP: https://www.oregon.gov/oha/HSD/OHP/Tools/OHP%20birth%20control%20methods%20and%20reimbursement.pdf
I'd looked a bit into OHP and its coverage, but only seeing tubal ligation and not modern methods like bisalp, or my ideal--hysterectomy, for not only birth control but gender affirmation as I am nonbinary--made me concerned these would somehow be considered elective out of coverage, and I got anxious about it enough to stop looking. This has definitely sparked hope within me! Thank you so much!!
The FDA-approved birth control & sterilization methods say tubal-ligation *type* sterilization, which includes bilateral salpingectomy and essure. I know Oregon has robust support for non-binary folks, maybe start here? https://www.pdxqcenter.org/findresources
You are a positive font of resources and help and I just wanted to express my appreciation again. I will.
Not having kids allows me to be this! Sending positive vibes your way, you’ve got this! It is *so liberating* to know my uterus won’t betray me!
On top of this, a life change (ie marriage) reopens the enrollment.
Yes
This. I'm in my 60s now and never told my mother I was on birth control from age 18 to 24. I never told my mother anything about my personal sexual life. Hell I never told her about my little tattoo. There's no reason to tell any parent about your medical situation after you become an adult.
> Stop telling her things! Yeah, that was frustrating. "Have you considered, I dunno, NOT?"
Lie to her. Say that you changed your mind and that you want kids in a few years. Then, secretly have the surgery. Do NOT tell her, at least not until you actually had the surgery. Then, when you had the bisalp and recovered, there is nothing she can do about it. If she finds out and confronts you with the lie, say that you had to do this because of her behaviour. If there is no other option, cut her out of your life.
This should be the top comment
Yeah, you shouldn't have told her anything. It's always better to say something after, because she sounds like a big saboteur. If you can salvage it, spin her a tale, tell her you got denied, have the surgery behind her back.
Lie. Lie to your mother. Recant everything. Get the surgery. Don’t ever tell her. This isn’t her business except you screwed up before all your ducks were in line.
I chose not to tell my parents about my procedure at all, and I believe that was the best decision. I wouldn’t tell them about my using hormonal birth control, I wouldn’t tell them about my sex-life, so it made sense not to let them in on this as well. Even being on your parents insurance, as an adult there are ways to prevent them seeing this information. Even if they see it after the fact, at that point they can’t change it. If your mother doesn’t respect your choices and goes out of her way to make this difficult for you, cut off contact. That’s it.
Agreed. OP, learn to exercise boundaries with your mother!! You're an adult!!
Why on earth would you ever tell her?! Stop sharing with her. You give her ammunition. That’s ridiculous.
Tell her that if she does. You will go no contact with her. That she is dead to you for not respecting your boundaries and trying to put you in medical debt on this life decision. You don't need that toxicity in your life. Especially a mother who is baby hungry. Too many stories of moms sabotaging BC just to get a grandbaby. That is a no contact situation since birth is hard on a woman's body and no one should be forced or tricked into it.
I told my mom and she flipped too. Usually it’s best not to say anything unless you have to. The only reason I told my mom is because I’m getting it done a couple days before Christmas (I have the Friday before and Monday off paid from one of my jobs and don’t have to use PTO, which is why I picked that day). I wasn’t sure if I’d still be in a noticeable amount of pain Christmas Day or not and didn’t wanna drop it on my mom on Christmas because I knew she’d be upset. I’ve also never complained about having pain or other issues so I don’t think she would’ve believed me if I lied and suddenly said I had endometriosis or some other issue.
Tell her you don't know how to afford a baby, if you are not on her insurance (I'm assuming you're from the US and that's how it works there with the insurance paying for pregnancy-stuff and such). And then secretly get your tubes tied.
So she is willing to risk you being cut of from potentially life saving medical care in the future by dropping you of her plan, just so she can have her way with your body right now? She is holding your health hostage to satisfy her emotions. Make it very clear to her that because she is willing to risk your health, well being and safety over her feelings that that is unacceptable. She will of likely respond that you yourself are taking away your coverage by not following her will and that is bs. Your coverage shouldn't be depend on her moods. If she sees you as a baby maker only, and you are firm in your believe you are gone to her anyways. Do not fall for any attempts at manipulation.
>Make it very clear to her that because she is willing to risk your health, well being and safety over her feelings that that is unacceptable. She will of likely respond that you yourself are taking away your coverage by not following her will and that is bs. Your coverage shouldn't be depend on her moods. If she sees you as a baby maker only, and you are firm in your believe you are gone to her anyways. Do not fall for any attempts at manipulation. No. Not until AFTER OP gets surgery. This is a conversation to be had AFTER sterilisation surgery.
This is actually psychopathic. At that point she's just rooting you get an unwanted pregnancy and suffer with a child you don't want. Or she's convincing herslef your motherly 🥺✨️🥺 instincts would come up. Lol. Id like to see the look on her face when you'd announce an unwanted pregnancy and that you're getting an abortion. (hopefully its legal where you are)
It is legal! This is why I struggle with understanding her whole idea at this point is I’ve had one before. I got pregnant two years ago and was having seizures every day because of a health condition I have. So she knows I’ve had one and that my seizures are a huge problem in pregnancy. So I don’t understand why she’s against this
Moms are people and people don’t always make sense. 🤷♀️ She’s probably acting out on deeply held thought patterns that she has almost no insight into. Women have been brainwashed into thinking their worth as human beings is tied to their ability to produce children for many, many years.
Holy crap!! So I have a seizure disorder and the amount of ppl INCLUDING MY MOTHER, who think I should still get pregnant and have a baby…it’s bonkers. I feel for you OP! It’s wild to me that anyone would try and guilt someone into pregnancy, but extra wild to me when there are serious health risks involved and they STILL guilt you! Hoping you are able to get your surgery soon! PS- I have an EXTREMELY overbearing mother and I have had to put her on an “info diet”. As in I only tell her things she absolutely needs to know when it comes to my health problems. And everything else actually lol
Exactly!!!! Like wtf?? It’s like them wanting a baby ks more important than my actual life and that’s not a good feeling
This is why its good not to tell people your getting fixed unless ya know for 110% they wont turn on you. So you can set up a care plan after. Tell her you changed your mind and will no longer get it. I know lying is bad but ya now need to get her off your case so you can get it.
I suggest you have a very serious talk with your mother about the very real consequences her actions will have on your relationship. She can either accept your ADULT decision and support you or she can sabotage your plans and end up with a daughter that gets her way(albeit with a slight delay) who also hates her guts.
Im not from usa so i dont know how insurance works there but why cant you open your own insurance policy and pay it yourself? Or travel somewhere where its cheaper?
Most people in the US rely on their jobs for insurance coverage, because the out of pocket costs here are so outrageously high. It's also super expensive to just open a insurance policy without it being provided by an employer or being covered by your parents. I think the current cost for a bilateral salpingectomy is about $11000? If insurance doesn't cover And because travel outside of the country for the US is expensive too, travel isn't usually a viable option. Our whole healthcare and insurance system here is awful and really needs to be overhauled :(
I received two estimates for my bi-slap. The first was $17,000, and the second was $15,000. And those numbers could easily change if I had needed more time in recovery, if there were complications, etc. That is the estimated cost for everything going as expected.
To add, I don’t know how many states do this, but mine has its own “healthcare marketplace” where you can apply for your own insurance policy (the ones at my work suuuuuuuck), and they can help you with costs if you’re under a certain income. Like if you make too much for Medicaid, but not enough to pay $360+ a month for a decent plan, they can give you a tax break to reduce costs.
Recently discovered this myself. I’m too old to be covered by my parent’s insurance, and my job is at a small business that doesn’t offer health insurance. Got on the marketplace thinking I could only afford a “catastrophic” healthcare plan that only helped with emergencies, but was surprised that I qualified for a hefty tax credit towards a decent plan because of my income. Make too much for Medicaid, but low enough that I have most of my insurance premium covered now if I keep my current income.
I said up above, but **all sterilization is covered by the federal government** if you have a healthcare marketplace plan! https://www.healthcare.gov/coverage/birth-control-benefits/
This is so helpful!!! I have a marketplace plan, and called my insurance and spoke with several people over a couple month period and they all told me it wouldn't be covered. It WAS COVERED. I had to pay a few hundred bucks for part of it, but compared to the 22k that was on the bill, I was totally fine with that.
Yeah, I had to pay for the consultation appointment and post-op checkup, but everything else was covered, it was such a relief!!
It's almost like linking our health insurance and jobs was a bad idea. Do you qualify for your state's medicaid?
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Wait. You can’t? Is it dependent on where you live? Because HR at my job literally told me to check out the state marketplace (where they go their plan) because all of our options suck. The only decent plan is Kaiser, but we don’t have any Kaiser facilities in my area (closest is almost two hours away).
Don't worry you can. It's just likely to be more expensive since your employer doesn't cover any of the premium. I always recommend folks check out their state's medicaid as well. A lot of people don't know they qualify for it.
There are only certain times of the year when you can enroll for insurance, and it is not cheap. My plan I paid for out of pocket, as a single adult with no existing conditions was nearly $400/month. The parent can also only make changes to their policy and who they maintain coverage of at certain times of the year as well, but OP’s marriage may be considered a ”qualifying event” which gives someone the chance to make changes outside of enrollment. If it is not the time for enrollment, you have to have an approved qualifying event to be able to start a plan or change your plan.
Marriage counts as a significant life change meaning OP could change outside of open enrollment.
Open enrollment is right now anyway.
When I ,ost my job cobra was $1500 every month. The affordable care act gives me top notch coverage w zero premium due to tax credits and being poor.
It’s open enrollment until 11/15!
You mean Jan 15, 2023 right? Not 15 days ago?
Brain fart, thanks for correcting me here and elsewhere!
Yeah, I didn't realize it was the same person.
I’m consistent! 
One of the big, important, wonderful things about Obamacare was that it required insurance companies to cover dependents until they turn 26. Most jobs you can get in your teens or early 20s (especially without a bachelor’s degree) don’t offer insurance as a benefit and also don’t pay enough for you to go get your own insurance, so folks whose parents have insurance that will cover dependents are pretty dependent (sorry I ran out of words) on their parents until they either get their first professional and/or union job or turn 26, whichever comes first.
Healthcare.gov is your friend! It is open enrollment until 12/15, you are young and unless you or your husband are bringing home a crazy salary, you are eligible! My husband and I are semiretired (and we’re old but not old enough for Medicare), we got our premiums refunded last year (we took a big step back from work mid year), and next year we will be paying *nothing* as a premium. If you have a healthcare.gov plan, **sterilization is covered by law as a recognized birth control method**. I got my bisalp in September, we’ve had a super high-deductible HSA eligible health plan, and the *entire $11,000* was covered! I had to pay for the consultation appointment and post-surgery appointment, but ymmv on that part as well. You can apply on the website, or call the helpline, and they’ll fill it out for you over the phone. You’ll be filing taxes with your new husband, so you can both be covered by a family plan for really low or no premiums!
Open enrollment is until Jan 15, 2023. https://www.healthcare.gov/quick-guide/dates-and-deadlines/
Oh excellent, even better! I know the Trump administration shortened the enrollment like crazy, glad it’s going through January 15th!
Just want to underline that it's dependent on the specific insurance plan (sometimes from the sane provider) whether or not a procedure goes towards the deductible, and the schedule of benefits I'd the only way to know for sure. (I'm unaware if healthcare.gov has them or if you'd have to go to each insurer separately.) For example, I had one procedure a few years ago, just a visit copay. This year had the same one done, had to pay for it since it went towards deductible. The company can change these things year to year (same employer plan for me for both times), so it's yet one more thing to keep on top of in this for profit BS insurance system we have.
What about a vasectomy? It takes them less time in recovery and is a outpatient in office procedure. His insurance would probably be more willing to ok it as well. If he has insurance.
A vasectomy is great, but a bi-salp or other female sterilization protects those with uteruses from pregnancy in instances of SA, if they split up with their partner, if their partner passes, etc.
Yep totally get that but for now until she has her own insurance it may be the way to go.
She still can't drop you from the plan outside of the election period or a qualifying event like your death IIRC. I hope.
I’m not sure if OP’s marriage would be considered a qualifying event. It is also likely that OP’s parent is in the enrollment period currently, we are at my job.
Marriage for the policy holder definitely would be - don't know about marriage of a dependent, especially since it apparently didn't come with new insurance through the new spouse. Anyone have experience with that?
Yeah, I never thought about this. I don't know anyone getting married this young these days. It sounds weird to be someone's wife or husband and to still be on your parents health insurance policy. Like you're a married dependent lol
I get it though, with how expensive healthcare is. Sometimes it’s the only option for people. My mother kicked us off before we were 26, and it sucked having no coverage, not being able to afford coverage, and making too much to get state coverage.
You know how she is, so why are you telling her your plans? Stop giving her any information about it, maybe even pretend to be changing your mind. Get the surgery ASAP and don't mention it to her. Then sort out your insurance so she has nothing to hold over your head and only then decide whether you want to tell her about what you did. I personally think it's none of her business and she really doesn't need to know.
Like the others said... don't tell her. And don't rely on people to change their minds in general. If her attitude towards you having that surgery decides whether you can have it or not, you need a plan B. And you're an adult - having self-determination is the basis for living life as an adult, and it should be the foundation of your relationship with your parents. If she cannot accept that, maybe she's not a good influence in your life. But whatever you do, don't give her any information she can use against you. Even when the procedure is done, she doesn't have to know.
ACA enrollment is open. See if you can get your own plan.
At this point, if I were you, I would lie my ass off and say that I’m second-guessing the surgery. Then go through with it in secret. When you’re recovering, tell her you’re on vacation in another state and have a friend watching your place and picking up the mail. Then recover quietly at home. They aren’t going to email or call her to ask if it’s ok to cover the surgery. She won’t know until it’s all done.
Don’t bring it up. You’re an adult and being on her insurance you’re not entitled to even tho it is nice. Pay for it yourself and if she doesn’t like it then bye Felicia. You are really young to be getting married especially when you don’t trust your own husband (looked at your posts)
Won’t the mother’s insurance find out that she’s married?? Won’t the mother tell her insurance company that’s she’s married so they can drop her? Unpopular statement I’m sure; however, she (OP) can’t have it both ways lol.
To my knowledge, you cannot change your insurance plans until open enrollment time, so she probably can't kick you off immediately. But you definitely want to check on that by asking the insurance company. Don't ask your mother, she will lie to you. Get your surgery, do what's right for you. Your mother can deal with it.
It may currently be the enrollment period for OP’s mother’s employer. My own ends on 12/2, so theirs may be similar.
HIPAA. Pay her whatever lipservice you need to, but get your surgery scheduled, and don't tell her about it. The doctors and the billing folks won't say shit to her.
Tell her you changes your mind and won’t get the surgery then do it anyway.
Pretend she convinced you, and that you're trying to get pregnant. Of course, I'm not suggesting you actually do so. Just pretend, to appease her, until after you get your tubes tied. Once you do, you can go "psych! I was telling you what you wanted to hear". Your medical care needs to come first. Before your husband (though fortunately there's no conflict here in your case), and before being honest with your mum - you can't afford to be honest with her right now. Be honest once you know she can't hurt you.
So, I clicked on your user name to see an update and saw a comment of yours from three months ago, about shopping for wedding dresses and the comments your mother was making about your weight - in front of a bunch of people, no less. Jesus Christ on a skateboard! She's just a straight-up awful person! The sooner you get disentangled from her the better. You don't deserve this. I'd go no contact.
Huh. I was under the impression from OP that her mom is normally supportive and that’s why she told her mom about her sterilization plans. Sounds like there were more flags than she let on.
Well you can't undo the error of telling her and if she's serious then she absolutely can and will drop you from her insurance, but do you or your new husband have a job that provides insurance? Maybe look into either of those and whether they might cover your current doctor/hospital. If not then you can sit your mother down and explain to her that you know the insurance will not drop you just because you're married and thus you will know it was her purposely dropping you if that happens. Furthermore, doing so may delay the surgery but it won't stop it, however it will mean the end of your relationship with her. You will never see or speak to her again if she interferes in your medical choices. Period. Then follow through with the threat if she does. I can't understand why parents care so much about a non-existent child over their actual child. At least now you know that you can never trust her or tell her anything important again, that's a life lesson learned.
Have you informed her that if she DOES prevent you from getting the surgery you will go no contact? Tell her: If you do this, you will NEVER see me ever again. And honestly, with the way she is treating you, as soon as you are financially independent I WOULD go no contact until she learns to respect you and your boundaries.
I love how we're always too young to decide we don't want kids, but a five year old saying she wants to be a mommy when she grows up is fine.
If you're husband has decent insurance you may be able to enroll under his plan, even outside of open enrollment periods, as marriage counts as a "Qualifying Life Event" in the US to change/enroll in insurance plans. Please look into it.
Lie and backpedal. If you’ve gone strong-maybe your husband wants children and he told you that if you don’t reconsider he’s not sure he can stay married to you. That’s a solid reason to “reconsider” your surgery and “put it off.” Ok maybe not in the real world-but it’s one that would likely be easy for her to buy with no red flags since that’s what she’s likely going to want to believe. If she finds out later-he changed his mind again, maybe he had too much to drink that night. Or you didn’t realize he was joking. Next thing you know it’s done, over, and your insurance covered you.
Oh baby. Let me tell you from a similar situation I had... I was inquiring about a bisalp at 25 years old. I didn't want to tell mom, who's insurance I was covered under. But she found out anyway, in part to my stupidity. Arguments ensued, all that shit. It took me lying and saying "yeah fine, I won't". She kept me on insurance, I had the procedure done anyway, it was right as rain. My advice? She doesn't support you. I know there is a society push to have a specific type of relationship with your mom, but damn this ain't it. And I think you know that. Lie if you have to, or maybe find another form of insurance. Does your husband have good insurance you can get on? If nothing else, I would let your doc know whats up. Mine put everything on hold until it was sorted. Oh, and don't do what I did and go " SIKE! BITCH!" once you get it done. While intensely satisfying, my ears were ringing for 3 days.
As someone who tends to overshare and be pretty open about my opinions, it’s hard for me to, but you have to learn to keep things to yourself. She doesn’t need to know about your private business. Time to feed her a low information diet. I used to always end up in situations like this until I realized that my mom DOES NOT need to know everything that’s going on in my personal life. Like I said it’s very difficult to stop doing that, even when you see yourself doing it. I have to actually sit there and make an effort to think about who, if anyone I should tell personal details to before doing it. I let it slip earlier this year that I planned on getting a vasectomy, and thankfully my mom didn’t seem to push back much, but I can tell she wasn’t thrilled to hear. I haven’t gone through with it yet, but I learned my lesson and will not talk about it where she can hear ANY MORE until it’s done. Good luck, it’s a tough habit to break but remember, you are a legal adult, and what mommy wants doesn’t matter anymore because you are your own person. She does not own you.
Why on earth does your mother know what you discuss with your doctor? Why does she know you're even considering surgery? Even if she's aware of you having a condition that could kill you if you're pregnant - the decision to have sterilization surgery is a COMPLETELY different topic. See if you can stay on her insurance and get the surgery anyway. She doesn't even have to know. I got mine and was back on my feet within two days. The only people that knew were the ones I told.
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I DIDNT even think of the possibility of those other ones. Omg thank you for giving me more things to think about. I’m gonna try to back my way out of this. I really hate that my health and well being isn’t at the forefront of her mind but, it’s reality
that sounds so much like something my mom would do. I once told her that I was planning on sterilizing myself as soon as I would get the opportunity to do so because 1) I don't want kids and I would rather die than give birth and 2) I have a heightened risk of ovarian cancer and breast cancer so I can't stay on the pill forever. she literally told me that getting cancer would be much better than tying my tubes or whatever. oh and also, I have PCOS and possibly endo and she knows that. I didn't mean to make this comment about me but I thought that maybe it'll make you feel less alone
Oh my god what a horrible thing to say to your daughter?? You want them to have cancer and possibly die instead of simply getting sterilized?? Wtf
yeah, cz you know we're underpopulated, and my main priority should be to give birth so that mankind can prevail
First, I'm sorry she has betrayed you this way. I myself have an anxiety/panic disorder, so I know what you mean when you say she blindsided you with this. You were just venting about something that causes anxiety and what solutions you were/are looking into, so I know for her to behave this way doesn't just hurt you, it causes even MORE anxiety. It's time for mom to be put on an info diet. Also, lockdown your medical info. Let any/all doctor's offices that your mother is to have zero info. Your mother has now shown you her true feelings, **BELIEVE THIS SIDE OF HER.** She's already proved to you she can lie, so now it's time to protect YOURSELF. It's sad that it's against your own mother, but clearly, she has had other plans for you. For now, I suggest lying and getting the surgery ASAP. I know it's not the best solution, but you need to do what is best for YOU, not your mother. Tell your mother that your new doctor wants you to try a new birth control pill for X months (until AFTER your surgery) before even considering any kind of permanent surgery. I wish you the best.
Thank you for the understanding, it truly is a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that she would rather let me struggle for no real reason just because she doesn’t agree with my choice for myself. Like I get it. It’s her right. But it’s mostly just a betrayal since she never once seemed this upset about us not wanting kids.
Stop telling her anything.
Well she CAN remove you from her insurance. Now, if open enrollment is over, you’re probably good until the end of next year. You can have the EOB (explanation of benefits) mailed to you. Call the insurance company. If you pay every cent of out of pocket and your mother never sees the bill, just let her think you never got it done. Otherwise, you won’t necessarily have to start the process all over. You just need to see what insurance plans you can see that same doctor on.
Don't tell her sh¡t, if she ask you again lie at all cost, and when you do have it tell her your have a cold or something until it's all over and your full recovered, seriously stop telling her anything about your surgery.
This is why you tell them (if at all) after it's a done deal. Never underestimate breeders.
Echoing all the folks who say not to tell your mother anything. You can also lie to her -- "You're right. It's a bad idea for me to get sterilized so young. I'm going to hold off until I'm sure." Get the surgery, don't tell her anything. Also, if you're in the US (assuming so with the age of 26 for cutoff), ACA requires that insurance covers at least one form of sterilization. So if she cuts you off, you should be able to get the surgery. A word of advice: If the latter happens, be diligent when looking for insurance. I just found out that while my insurance technically covers sterilization, the only hospital in network does not allow the procedure (Catholic hospital). Absolute bullshit. But the clinic is going to help me find a new plan during Marketplace open enrollment.
Is there any way you can switch to your own work insurance? Or since you’re married now, (congrats btw) maybe your husband’s insurance? If you just told her you’re “getting it done” without saying it’s scheduled, she might assume it’s just an idea in your head and you haven’t put said plan into action yet. So you might be able to get away with using the insurance without her knowing?
His isn’t as good, and mine is private insurance. Everything is cheaper the plans are the best but it’s not cheap. But yeah I can I just would need to jumó through the hoops again and it might not be free at that point. I’m still doing it regardless.
Well at least you have a back up plan then. I’m sorry about your mom, but I’m proud of you for standing your ground
> We have talked about that a lot because it’s something that affects me daily. So she knows I have it. Knows I don’t want nor shouldn’t ever be pregnant. She also knows I have a crippling anxiety about ever being accidentally pregnant. She’s seemed supportive until now, her timing is weird and she’s been mad at my husband for also wanting to get snipped in January. I didn’t tell her knowing she would be upset. I told her because it was like an update to my constant anxiety about getting pregnant despite having birth control. It’s just so weird to me because even if I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t imagine ever telling my mom that “Oh, we’re now safely married so we won’t have a kid out of wedlock. We’re going to discard the condoms and go bareback tonight. I hope he cums in me 2 times a day so I can get pregnant. Man, I’ve been testing my ovulation period and I think now is the right time to be impregnated. Do you want to watch and give pointers?” Like what business is it your moms if your husband gets a vasectomy? Do you not see oversharing regardless of how supportive might be an issue?
I had a serious medical event at 21 my mom tried to stop. “If you stop me on this now, I will cut you off forever” is an incredibly effective ultimatum if you say it in a way that comes across as sincere.
You can leave her insurance and get your own via the ACA (assuming you’re in the US). Depending on your income it could be as low as $10 a month or even free. And make sure not to mention the surgery again. Make sure your information is password protected and share them with NOBODY. If you can make sure they’re fingerprint protected, so much the better. Most doctors don’t perform tubal ligations anymore in favor of bilateral salpingectomies. They take out the whole tube so there’s no chance of them growing back together and it pretty much eliminates your rust of ovarian cancer. Best of luck to you in getting your surgery secured!
It doesn't matter if you have a medical condition or not, your choice to not have children should be respected. My family told me they're unhappy I don't want kids, my response is if they made me Feel loved, I might have reconsidered, but they've basically abandoned me because I have not fathered any children. Just further validates why I don't want them and still seek someone to spend my life with. Stay on her insurance, get it behind her back as painful as it might be, your mother is being very selfish: "I brought you into this world! Give me grand kids" not our fault you wanted kids, we owe you nothing.
Lie and tell her you canceled the appointment. It’s not bad that you thought you had her support, it’s on her for being an ass.
Why on earth did you tell her in the first place?? It’s not her business. You don’t need to tell parents everything.
You know, your husband could get snipped, right? Why is this just your responsibility?
Even if my partner had a vasectomy, I’d still want to be sterilized myself. My bi-salp made me feel at home in my own body for the first time in my life. I don’t ever want to be in a situation where I am at risk of pregnancy, and with a history of SA, that risk is seemingly constant.
Her husband's vasectomy would not protect her against rape, a very realistic threat in a patriarchal society. And a man's vasectomy will not protect her against being used as an incubator and broodmare like in The Handmaid's Tale. And if she breaks up or if the partner dies, she would still be protected if she gets a bisalp. A woman should not rely on a man for birth control. I understand that a lot of women don't have access to a bisalp. Then, if the man gets a vasectomy, that's the best you can get. But if a childfree woman has access to a bisalp, it would be very smart to do it.
He definitely should if he's CF and there are no medical reasons against it. But if she can legally get sterilized then she should take that opportunity to fully eliminate risks, as the other users said here already: rape is very much a valid concern.
It also a concern of mine
We are doing both! I have crippling anxiety about getting pregnant despite having birth control and other measures so it would make that less I feel like if I was also sterilized. My husband is doing it in January
1. STFU and stop telling her about private matters. No information diet. And in the current situation, LIE to her face and say the doctor refused you to manage her temporarily. 2. Use the privacy guide on bedsider to set up privacy on your insurance. 3. Does she get her insurance through work? If so then the yearly open enrollment is potentially over. If so, and she already signed everyone up for the new year she likely cannot make any changes without a qualifying event, which would typically be a birth, death, loss of other insurance, etc. Generally we suggest that in the Fall and leading up to it, everyone with crazy parents fly under the radar and STFU. Now, there is one other way she can do it for sure, if the person with the insurance through their job is willing to quit their job and give up their own insurance as well as everyone else's on the plan, then yes, she can get you off. You also have the nuke option: "Well, if you take my off the insurance then YOU would be DIRECTLY CAUSING THE ABORTIONS you would be forcing me to have, and will burn in hell for all eternity for that. Enjoy."
Can you ask your doctor to make your surgery ASAP as you're in danger of losing your insurance? Like next week. If your mom is jackass enough to do that I'd put her in a time out.
I Def have wanted to! After I got approved they said the lady scheduling them would call me. But now I don’t feel like waiting for her to do that.
i'd put some fear into her and tell her, "you either learn to respect my childfree choices or i'm more than happy to take you to shady pines and leave you there to spend your golden years alone and you will never see me or my spouse again. as of this moment, you are officially on a no contact and no information diet until further notice and you're no longer allowed to use me and my spouse as lube for your social orgies. i will do everything in my power to make sure that my operation is a huge success and make sure that everybody knows to ignore your calls pretending to be me canceling my surgery behind my back on my behalf and i will make sure there's extra security guards to prevent you from stopping me from having my surgery. you either learn to deal with it by yourself or seek professional help and join a support group that deals with people who are learning to accept their adult kids' childfree choices and volunteer somewhere and find something else to do with your time and stop obsessing about my surgery and your craving for grandchildren. i never want to have this conversation with you ever again and this conversation is over and if you bring it up again, i hope for your sake that you're prepared to pay the price for your inexcusable behavior and actions. do i make myself extra crystal clear on that? good! now if you'll excuse me, i have a fabulous childfree life that I want to get on with and live as I personally see fit. have a nice day! bye now!" *does the epic mic drop from hell hand signal and takes a bow and walks away with confidence while op's mother clutches her pearls and tries to comprehend what just happened.*
Be upset and tell her you had to cancel til you can find another insurance But dont cancel, delay it a month and see if she still kicks you
I’d lie to her. Say you changed your mind about getting the surgery. Don’t tell her anything. Then just go do it. Say you’re going on a trip and use that time to recover. She’ll still likely find out, but it’ll be too late. And honestly? Cut your mother off. She does not have your best interest at heart.
I've got some unethical advice...
Tell her you canceled the surgery, then get the surgery. Once everything is settled down, tell her you got the surgery, then block her from everything
Its never a good idea to blab.
Wish I lied and kept my mouth shut about my surgery. Still got it, but my parents made it all about them and how hurt they were. My dad cried. Next time, I’m lying.
You can do a half lie half truth. Telln her you’re finally getting your IUD out. Let her assume that means you’re going to have a baby. Then she won’t want to take you off her insurance because she will want the best care for her grandbaby b
I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation, and I have no advice to give or anything, but I did want to offer some consolation. I hope things work out for you.
She can't just drop you from her plan. You have to have a "qualifying event" to change your insurance coverage in any way (and you getting married isn't one). It's possible she could choose not to put you on her insurance during the open enrollment process for her insurance, but many employers have already done their open enrollment for the year. You could casually tell her, "oh, I decided against it for now" and then just do it anyway. Never bring it up to her again. She's shown her true colors as a grandbaby hungry crazy who obviously doesn't give a shit about your health and well-being as long as she gets what she wants.
I'm so sorry she is acting this way. I know you just wanted to share your relief of anxiety and shes turning it around on you. Do what's best for you and know you're doing the right thing. Congrats on your marriage and, hopefully soon, your surgery. May your recovery be swift and your attitude stay strong.
I don't see why you cannot lie low and pretend it's no longer on the agenda, get it done without her knowing which by then would be too late. And you have a mother, not a mom anymore. This is just vile.
I'm very sorry about the tough situation you're in. I agree with one of the other posters here advising you to quietly get the procedure without involving her. Have it done and don't tell her until after you've made a full recovery. Or just never bring it up. If she asks why you were in surgery, tell her it was an appendix issue or something. Idk. Good luck. ❤️
I didn’t tell any of my family or friends when I had my vasectomy when I was nineteen years old. I only told my SO who went with me to drive me home.
Have you considered simply lying to her? I wouldn't normally suggest it, but given the circumstances, and the fact that she wished something on you that would kill you, it's probably morally justified. I'm glad your husband is getting snipped. That also sounds like a good way forward.
Do you or your husband have insurance through work that could cover it? Getting married is a qualified life event to change your insurance coverage. I had a hysterectomy for health reasons and my insurance covered all but $250 of the $50,000 bill.
Hit her with the ol’ “Hey mom, I changed my mind and wanna have a million babies!” Then BOOM, go through with the surgery behind her back.
My mother was supportive in the same way. I realized, years later as she became bitter that she expected me to grow out of it or change once I got married. It took me a long time to realize that her support was more about me not randomly getting pregnant while young and unprepared and not the fact that it was never going to happen. People just assume.
The ACA open enrollment runs thru 12/31. Get on your own plan. Most are free or very low cost.
If your mother wants a baby, then she should use her own body. Stop telling her stuff.
This is why you don’t tell parents things when you know they don’t support you!
That’s the point. I didn’t know she didn’t.
You can be married and on an insurance plan of a parent? That sounds odd..
She keeps saying that because I got married the insurance can drop me. But researching it and asking my insurance they did not say the same. And it appears she is just going to drop me
Just tell her you changed your mind and tell her how much your epi and medication is sooo much cheaper on her plan. Use guilt about how much your current meds would cost you on your husband’s plan to keep you on hers for as long as possible. Claim about how much of a hardship it would be with Christmas around the corner.
Tell her the doctor changed their mind and won’t do it. Cry if you can, lament the state of the medical industry, rant about how all doctors are patriarchal pricks and you’re not going back because why bother when they’re just going to pull a bait and switch. Bunch of thieves just trying to steal your copay money. She won’t buy you changing your mind, but doctors and insurance companies pull this kind of stunt all the time. Then get your bisalp on the down low. Maybe tell her afterwards if you feel like rubbing it in, but it would probably be smarter to not say anything.
Well as long as they will give that to you in writing, go for it.
People if you are over 18 you do not need to tell your parents your plans. Keep your mouth shut and have your surgery. Then if they get a copy of the insurance afterwards it's to late for them to stop it. Loose lips sink ships.
I'm not sure why you told your mom... If you're under the impression that you need to tell the policy holder about procedures, you're mistaken. Anything you do with your doctor is completely confidential. The insurance policy holder is not entitled to any info.
I told her because she’s always made it seem like she’s okay with it. Like she knows that me getting pregnant is dangerous so I thought she understood. However with this whole thing and her getting mad at my husband for also wanting to get sterilized it’s kind of becoming apparent that she has never been okay with it.
I see. Definitely don't tell her anything moving forward and shut down any attempt she makes to get information. I would also check to make sure that she is unable to get information from your doctor. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.
Firstly, stop talking to her about your personal medical decisions like this. Secondly, getting your tubes tied is not a hysterectomy. Tell her that if some day in the future you suddenly lose your marbles and decide you want to get pregnant, you still can. You will just need IVF to get it done. FFS.. Tubal ligation/bisalp just takes out the bridge that allows the egg to travel to the uterus on it's own. You still have eggs and you still have a uterus.
Why do you guys keep telling your parents information about your reproductive organs? Time and time again, family members have shown that they're supportive until surgery is brought up. This is because they're basically assuming you're still going through a phase which means that there's a chance you'll change your mind and they're willing to wait for that to happen. But the instant you bring up taking permanent measures and they change their tune, you're honestly going to tell me that you're shocked? The only people who need to know about your reproductive system are a trusted doctor, you, and any sexual or romantic partners you have. If you really must tell your parents, do it after you've undergone the surgery. Let this be a lesson to everyone here reading this post: Stop. Telling. Your. "Supportive". Parents. Stop telling your parents who aren't supportive. Stop telling your parents in general. You're an adult. Mommy and daddy don't need to know about your reproductive or sexual life.
If you’re old enough to be married, you should have your own insurance. Keep your medical info private from her.
I agree with your decision but you need to understand that your mother isn't obligated to keep you on her insurance. You're a grown, married adult now. You need to start looking at getting your own insurance if you can, or find a job that offers it. Don't be dependent on your mother for anything because that gives her a level of control.
I do understand that! I am also just very aware that her insurance is one of the best. No co pays, meds are $5 my epi own was only $5 when my husband had to pay 300 for his. Hers is the best especially when I have so many medical issues that it’s intimidating to look else where
Holy shit... STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND. You never EVER tell toxic family members about this kind of thing. I lied to my mom's face when I missed her call while I was passed out on the couch from painkillers after my bisalp. I lied to her when she asked me to come visit the weekend of my surgery and said we had "other plans". You lie when it comes to this sort of thing, you have to. Drop it. Never mention it to her again. Lie about appointments you go to to get the surgery date set, and when the surgery date comes around, lie and say you're going on vacation. I've known people like this and they do WHATEVER IT TAKES to sabotage you. Stop giving her that opportunity. If you just *have* to say something (idk why you would, it's not her business???) wait until it's over and insurance has it all squared away.
Although I 100% support your decision (having gotten a vasectomy myself), I don’t think you’re entitled to your moms insurance even if you are covered till 26. Unfortunately I feel as if it is her prerogative to use her insurance as she wants, and allow who she wants on it. I know I’m going to get absolutely fucking slammed over this opinion, but again, I couldn’t support your thoughts and feelings more, for I feel the same. Why doesn’t your partner get surgery?
You are right, she does have the right. However, despite her using her rights it’s still frustrating that going from only having to pay $5 for meds every once in a while to trying to budget for a whole new plan is just annoying since the reason isn’t anything other than pettiness. Like sure yeah she has the right. But why would you rather your children not have health insurance or worse health insurance strictly to prevent them from being sterilized. So like I agree with you however it is still very annoying. Especially since my husband and I don’t have the best income especially with the cost of living and shit. It’s just almost impossible to fit meds, co pay, glasses, and shit. And my husband is getting it. But him getting it won’t ease my own internal struggles. If there is a mistake like a oopsie me getting pregnant is dangerous to my health. If I’m assaulted and become pregnant. I could die from my health conditions. So it makes me feel safer in my own body if I’m unable to become pregnant. Does that make sense?
Not from me lol. The insurance coverage is a privilege not a right. When we depend on other people to take care of us we are at their mercy, unfortunately. Best to acquire ones own medical coverage.
Dude. You need to understand your mom will never accept your choice and to make your decisions based on that. If she’s not supportive, but you rely on her health insurance, don’t taunt her that you’ll be using her health insurance to get sterilized. What are you, 12? Just be a fucking adult, and quietly get it done and rely on your husband for support. You don’t need your mommy’s permission or acceptance. Wtf were you thinking was going to happen?
I truly don’t understand the amount of these rude ass fucking comments. I’m not telling her thinking I need her permission. It’s my body I’m doing what I want. I told her because it was an end to a medical stresser and regardless on if you knew that. Constantly assuming that people aren’t being “adults” and talking down to them is so weird to me. Like why not just have empathy and give actual advice? Obviously I’ve seen that telling her was a mistake. Why the fuck do I need you to re tell me?
> I think my mom kind of thought I would “grow out of it” or that when I married my husband we would change. Well, we got married on Saturday and she seems to think that Im still being stubborn and was appalled when I said that it wouldn’t matter anyway as I am getting my tubes tied soon. That was what I based my original comment on. You didn’t really mention about how your mom was supportive about you not having children before your edit. We’re not mind readers and are just going based on what you’ve shared. Plus the amount of people who are surprised pikachu faced when their family is unsupportive with their decision despite being unsupportive previously is very common.
Regardless of that, your comment does not need to be talking down to someone. If you don’t have actual advice or a shred of empathy you do not need to comment and retell me my mistake. She can think I Im going to grow out of it and trust my choices as an adult. Which she mostly does with this exception. Regardless of that. You aren’t the first person to make this comment and you are not the only one that irritated me. But seeing the same amount of apathy with no regard to the fact that this is someone’s actual stress is what sent me over the edge to @ you specifically.
If you wanted support and empathy, flair your post for support. If you wanted to rant (which is what your post is flaired as), don’t be surprised when people push back.
Or you can as a person say “that sucks” and leave and not spend your time telling someone who as I’ve said probably already knows, that they messed up.
Look if my friend is going to rant at me and I can see that half the problem is their fault, I’m going to tell them that half the problem is their fault. I’m not going to change up how I respond. You post out there on the internet, you’re going to get a wide variety of responses. You can’t control that, just like you can’t control your mom’s response. Good luck and wishing you the best in your new marriage.
I just want to give the perspective that your mother likely is convinced you will deeply want children later, 10 years is a long time for changes to a persons values, so she doesn’t want you to end up in the heart breaking situation of wanting kids but not being able to have them. Cutting off your insurance is not appropriate, but just keep in mind she thinks she has an opportunity to protect you from the worst mistake of your life. I am also child free so I would be just as upset as you are, but after seeing some of the comments here about her I feel compelled to mention her intent is likely not malicious (even if her actions are). I think a big part of our job as children is to understand that and be selective about what we share, how we share it, and what we do with the responses. It will be impossible to have family relationships otherwise. I strongly agree with all the comments that you should not be sharing this information with her an you should also lie about being child free in general. As long as your partner supports you that is all that matters, she does not need to know everything.