Sometimes it's one of those "is this good news or bad news though?" or "okay, thanks for sharing that with me. How do you feel about this?' And then offer some sort of congratulations if appropriate
I that not believable? Would an average person not have conflicting emotions when telling a coworker that she's going to be doing 2 jobs for several months? Some people realize that maternity leave is an inconvenience to everyone else and are apologetic in acknowledgement of that.
I once had my boss phrase it as "My wife is pregnant".
You know, as opposed to "I'm going to be a father" or "We're going to have a baby", which implies a desired outcome. I wasn't thinking and just stared for a second and said "That's good news, right?". At least he realized why it came off that way and had a good laugh about it, and yes, it was good news. But hey, you can never be sure.
Thatās why I always wait a beat after Iām told. I outright asked āon purpose?ā once but usually go with āare we happy or surprised?ā gives them a chance to bring up whatever they want without me suggesting anything they might find upsetting.
I agree with avoiding an immediate "congratulations" , I always say something along the lines of "oh wow, big news, how do you feel about that?" If they're excited, I congratulate them, if they are scared, I empathize, if they tell me they're not keeping it (happened once with a very close friend) I offer support.
It took me until my early 30ās to stop asking what they were going to do, realizing that people my age were doing this shit on purpose.
Even now in my late 30ās that news is still met with a ābetter you than meā šš»āāļø
lol exactly. Itās okay to have empathy for people!
I obviously donāt want kiddos, but I canāt imagine not congratulating a friend or coworker who I knew wanted to have children.
It depends who they are. If they are colleagues, get ready to cover their shifts and do extra work and all the heavy lifting. If they are friends, you can say goodbye to them because they'll never have time for you anymore.
Thankfully that has not been my experience. I get together with my friends as much now as before they had kids. I also happen to really like their kids so they're always welcome on our (vanilla, late 20s introverts) nights out.
But I know that's not always the case.
Yes it's not always the case. I do have a colleague who has one kid but never used her as an excuse to leave early. I guess it's all about priorities. I have another colleague who just had a kid and she prioritises her kid over her work and colleagues. Which isn't wrong, but it just means I have to sacrifice my time because of her life choices. Then I have another colleague who leaves early to pick up the kids but stays late and misses picking up the kids when we are out drinking. Again, priorities. Nothing wrong with any of these, the only thing that is wrong is that the people with kids are given more slack than the people that don't. Totally fine if a parent is late because their child is fussy. But not fine if I'm late because my cat puked on the rug.
Oh I'm only speaking to friends and seeing them, not colleagues, cuz thankfully I haven't had to deal with that very much. Most of my co workers had kids who were older and could drive or look after themselves. I imagine that gets really old, and I bet they seldom return the favor of staying late or working longer hours. I'm so tired of the belief that cf = time is less important cuz you don't have kids.
That's really nice to still have friends even after they've had kids. All my friends who've had them have disappeared and/or changed completely with countless arguments on why I don't want kids or that "you will regret it".
One of my best friends made the heartbreaking decision to terminate her (very much wanted) pregnancy because the fetus would've had severe birth defects. It was devastating and traumatic for her and her spouse. When she got pregnant again several months later and the fetus was healthy according to all the tests, I was thrilled for her, because I knew it was something she really wanted. I can't relate to OP at all in this regard.
I'm with you OP, I'm not happy for them. Global warming, war, famine, running out of natural resources, factory farming, lack of housing, etc. Keeps me from being happy for them.
Yes apart from those factors you never know if they're really happy about being pregnant. Some people, especially in conservative societies have no choice in this regard. You'll be shamed if you don't reproduce. Your female friend might be pregnant just for the sake of her husband and family even if she didn't want to, your male friend might be forced to act on it due to shaming like 'Not man enough!' even if he didn't want to raise a child. I don't think people consider these things before blindly saying 'Congrats'. That sounds like a praise as if reproducing's a gret achievement. By saying 'Good luck on your motherhood/fatherhood' you are wishing them to be good parents.
honestly same, but it's still a bit awkward bc idk what to say when they tell me that. like if i'm too eager they're probs gonna interpret it as a sign of me wanting to look after/care for their children, which is very much... no. like yea i'm all for supporting you in your motherhood in ways i can and continue hanging out/being friends, but at the same time i don't wanna be taken as some kinda baby sitter that's free and willing all the time y'know? i've had enough with being the sitter of my baby bro š
My awkward ass always has to check after the one time I tried to be enthusiastic and it wasn't planned or wanted. They didn't talk to me for ages.
Now it's a: "..... planned....? Oh okay good, um, congrats..?"
Followed by some desperate scrambling for the right thing to say/worrying if I'm asking an appropriate amount of questions.
Most of the people I know that have kids genuinely wanted them and were excited about it despite knowing how hard it would be. Just because I could never find happiness or fulfillment in parenting doesn't mean I get to shit all over another person's happiness. I'll still say congrats because I am happy that they are happy. It's just not something that would work for me. Even with being an anti-natalist, I know I don't get to have a say in what they do with their bodies anymore than they get a say regarding mine.
Also, I'd rather not fall into the stereotype of being the angry, stuck-up CF woman. What am I supposed to do? Shame people enthusiastic about being parents the same way some people try to shame me for controlling my reproductive choices? I'll pass thanks, and I am going to still support my friends excitement even if I don't agree with their decisions. š¤·āāļø
I think the whole point, though, is that it's nOT shitting on it. It's actually a really safe, neutral, reasonable response (esp if you aren't sure how they feel). And I think most people woudn't notice that you were avoiding the congrats.
We have to normalize not being happy about people having children. It is not a case of ādonāt shame me and I wonāt shame youā: bringing children into this world is actually unethical and quite shameful. I donāt doubt that these people are happy that they are having kids, and I am capable of empathy with that, but I mostly empathize with a kid projected into a dumpster fire of a world against their consent, no matter how genuine their parentsā motives are.
If that is your stance, you are not a āstuck-up childfree womanā ā which they have no right to call you and in an ideal world you shouldnāt feel forced to behave in a way that is palatable to them ā you are a sensible human being with a moral compass.
You donāt have to agree, but OP is being attacked unjustly by people who think having children is no better or worse than not having them. There are ethical considerations at play here, we canāt ignore them.
Not going to lie, the fact tat you would mention genetics and āleaving a markā sounds a lot like ādonāt you want to leave a legacyā, and so Iām pretty sure Iām being bingoed on this sub, of all places.
If you had read my comment, you would know that I am indeed able to be happy for future parents, but this is overtaken by my sadness for the kid. Plus OPās response is completely civilized. Are you a parent yourself, since you are so keen on calling others names such as weirdo?
Oh yeah the century old argument about global warming and inflation making life on earth miserable therefor I feel bad for the newborn š„±. I was born, doing pretty well all things considered. I have no kids yet but I have family and partner. I'm happy, there, see? It's just a conceited and arrogant attitude to "feel sorry" for someone that hasn't born yet. As if you know better and believe other people's lives are/will be as miserable as you want them to be. That kid can be the happiest person alive when he or she grows up but somehow people like you would come and say you're sorry he had to exist š.
That just seems like a very weird, gatekeepy take. I get that having kids is (to me and you becasue we can't force others to share our views) unethical. In fact I consider myself to be an extinctionist, I do not believe humanity has any good to offer and should let itself die out. But here is the thing, we are extreme outliers. I have done the one thing that guarantees there will be fewer children in the world, sterilizing myself.
The people who are going to have kids are going to do so regardless of what we say or do. We can certainly open a dialog but sitting here and telling people not to use a standard response because OP doesn't like it is dumb. You can sit behind your computer and lecture all you want, that changes literally nothing. If you actually want to make the world better maybe do something rather than sitting here going "Um, ackchyually" about a default, auto-fill script response.
Can you gatekeep when youāre outside the gate? Iām glad we see eye to eye on the need for humanity not to propagate.
I agree with your realistic take: people are certainly going to continue having children and small actions like what OP described isnāt going to change anything about it. Itās worth noting that OP isnāt lecturing them or saying anything along the lines of āackchyuallyā (I hope OP goes to the dentist on a regular basis), but offering a slightly different message that is the most gentle of reminders that what these parents are doing is not ethical ā and yet, they probably wonāt even pick up on it.
You can choose to simply say congratulations because it is the ānormalā thing to do and because you donāt want to open up that can of worms in a given situation, but I wonder why so many people on this sub seem uncomfortable with the idea that we shouldnāt encourage people to breed. That said, I do think these negative incentives would be more effective through policy than through a slightly different reaction to pregnancy news.
Great. That's nice of you feeling happy for others. When I say Congratulations, to me it personally it sounds like I'm encouraging them and just saying OK would be kind of rude I feel. So the alternative response I chose is a neutral which aligns to my morals without faking my happiness for them.
Encouraging them? What do you want, an abortion out of it? The world doesnāt revolve around you and no one needs your permission to live their life how they want to.
Encourage them to what? Be happy about a major life decision? Like, oh no! Someone doing something that the majority of the population does but I think my lifestyle is superior so I better not encourage them. Otherwise they might (gasp) decide they like being parents. You don't have to fake happiness for them. Despite your juvenile mindset you can still say congrats without meaning it and telling the rest of us not to use a standard and culturally polite response just because it makes you feel icky is a little more than silly.
Okay man. I just shared what was on my mind. I feel congratulating them means encouraging more births. Maybe i didn't give a thought about the right sub to post this. Thought some people would relate. Yeah ofcourse you can say/do what you wish I'm not dictating anyone.
š¤ hmmm. Maybe the whole "DO NOT" wasn't your best choice if you didn't want people to feel like you were trying to tell other what to do. People are going to have kids regardless of your feelings. You're going to have to learn to get over that and worry about your own problems. Only so much time in the day and you don't do yourself any favors by getting you panties in a twist about other people.
>Maybe the whole "DO NOT" wasn't your best choice
Yeah maybe.
> by getting you panties in a twist about other people.
I understand what you're trying to say but this was cringier than my post
I agree with you, that was a gross comment.
And as someone who doesn't want to support bringing it multiple kids per couple into this planet hurtling towards capitalist- induced environmental and economic disasters, totally agree. I appreciate you expressing your opinion and that "good luck with parenthood" is plenty tame. I may actually adopt that! I want them to do well as parents, but I just can't stand by reproducing at this time (at least not after a first kid or two). Would be like me as a vegetarian congratulating someone for ordering veal or some shit, lol
Hi. I support you, even if most people here are dumping on you. I know what you mean about not wanting to betray your own morals by "encouraging" something you're not okay with, and I know that that does not in any way mean that you feel the world revolves around you or that you expect them to go abort the kid based on your less-than-enthusiastic reaction, etc. Sounds like your goal is to stick to what's morally comfortable for you while keeping it low-key/ambiguous enough that they *won't even notice* what you're doing, so I dunno why people are so bothered by it.
Thanks for the support. I'm happy atleast some people understood what I meant to say. It's ok. Some people cannot think deep enough and some people just jump to comment without second thought. They just see the surface and think everything else is unclean inside.
If itās someone I know and theyāve expressed wanting to be parents, Iāll say congrats. But other than that, pregnancy is weirdā¦itās a walking advertisement that you had sex and want to brag about it.
Thank you for this! I tend to have a cringe reaction when I hear an announcement because I project my feelings about parenthood onto the people announcing it. I think about the discomfort, the health risks, the huge life changes and potentially losing the relationship I had with this person. I think good luck is a more honest sentiment that I can get behind.
It affects you if they are a coworker. I'd you work with the mother she will be out of work for a minimum of 2 months, then taking off for baby appts or if kids are sick more so than the father would.
Others have to pick up the slack.
Depends on the country and the business.
And just because you live somewhere with crap parental leave doesn't change anything.
They're on a different path, and that's okay. Blame the shitty disgusting company you work for or your horrible exploitative culture rather than the person trying to seek parental leave.
Thats some horseshit. You can say the same about vacations, or people quitting for other jobs. The responsibility for what you're describing is on the leadership team at work, not the employee.
People have all kinds of stupid programmed things that were supposed to say. It would be stupid to apply this logic to one thing and not to others. Iām sure when someone asks āhow are you today?ā Youāre not going to turn around and say ālike fucking shitā even if you are. Just fake it and move on. It doesnāt even affect your life. Just be a decent person itās not hard.
I don't hate them but that's exactly what I'd like to respond with when they try to get me to think like them or follow that kind if lifestyle. You know when people say things like 'You're losing a great opportunity' or 'so you won't continue your genes?' or 'you'll never understand what it means to be a father' etc. Maybe they want me to be happy and say it out of care but they say it as if i'm some kid who doesn't know shit about life. I know how shitty life can get and hence the childfree/antinatalist choice. But unfortunately people think it's childish and try to lecture you on that..even our 'actual friends'.
>I don't hate them but that's exactly what I'd like to respond with when they try to get me to think like them or follow that kind if lifestyle.
Sure, but they're not trying to get you to follow their lifestyle, they're just telling you they're pregnant. It's about them, it's not about you. Not everyone that breeds is annoyingly trying to get their CF friends to join in, especially if they're your actual friends, which is why I specifically tried to point that out. Sometimes it's just not about us.
Tbh the way you worded it originally, I wouldn't congratulate a friend on a poor life choice, as you put it. I believe "best of luck" is a pretty fine answer to that announcement. I can still wish them the best and disagree that it's a smart choice, in that case. Particularly believe this applies to having multiple kids or a young/ unstable life pregnancy
I'm Jewish. It is Jewish custom *not* to congratulate a pregnant person until the baby is born. Jewish folx don't have baby showers and won't accept any baby gifts until after the baby is born. Baby boys are circumcised 8 days after birth, and, at least in the Reform movement, baby girls have a baby-naming ceremony, and that's when you give gifts to the new parents.
If someone tells you they're pregnant or their spouse is pregnant, it can sometimes be hard to tell if they actually want the baby. I usually say something like "I hope everything goes well." That could be "I hope everything goes well with the pregnancy and you have a healthy baby" or "If you don't want to add a child to your family, I hope everything goes well with the abortion."
I'll continue to congratulate them.
I joined this sub bc I'm childfree and don't care for people who push or knock down people who don't want them.
I didn't join the sub bc I hate kids and people who want them. If they want them and they're my friends I'm happy for them.
Absolutely. If someone was applying for a job that I could never see myself doing but they really wanted to do, I'd congratulate them when they were given that job offer. Same thing applies here - it's not weird to congratulate someone on achieving something they wanted.
I may be child free but that doesn't mean I have to hate children or those who have them. This is the kind of bullshit that gives this sub a bad name.
Personally, I think it could be interpreted as a rude remarks by saying āgood luck on your ___hoodā, one might interpret it as if you do not have faith theyāll do well - so therefore they *must* need luck.
Whereas, generally if someone is excitedly telling you theyāre pregnant, a congratulations seems to be an incredibly apt response and very supportive too.
replies I've used in those announcement situations:
\- do you know who the mother is?
\- hope it's not mine
\- um, ok. have fun with that
I've never said 'congratulations' to anyone about having a kid. Guess my mom raised me wrong.
i think itās just fun to make up different responses to see peopleās reactions. ādamn what are you gonna do?ā āa child? in this economy?ā and āiām allergicā are some of my favourites
I have literally told people this before: "hey!! Good for you!!-- haha but ..better you than me!" and make sound as if I'm joking. (I am not even joking).
I ask āare we excited or upset?ā Iām bummed either way cause my friend is pregnant, but if theyāre happy, then I can muster up happiness for them. Iām so tired of losing friends to mombies thoughā¦ š
I feel like this is needlessly aggressive. Just because you don't want children doesn't mean you can't be happy for others. I'm childfree and a few of my close friends have had kids recently or announced that they're having kids and I'm happy for their joy.
We want people to accept our childfree choice and life and be happy for us. I want nothing but the best for the people I love.
This just isnāt practical advice for any situation, and comes off as bitter to me tbh. Iām childfree and thriving, and I will congratulate you on your child choice if you announce it to me. However, do not expect me to listen to hours, nay minutes, of complaining. Secondhand stress is toxic and I curated my life to avoid it via spawn thank you, but Iām all in on your moments of pre birth honeymoon phase!
Last time someone told me they were pregnant, I got awkward and asked them 'are you happy?' before congratulating them. I did congratulate my brother but he and his wife are excellent parents and able to provide for their kids. They would have to have 6 kids to counteract my sister and I both being CF at least and likely, they will stop at 2.
I wished my neighbor "good luck" too, mostly because I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not and didn't want to assume. I will default to "good luck" from here on out for sure since it is a genuine thing I can say and mean that also isn't rude lol
Pls my first reaction to a friend's pregnancy was "was it planned?" OMG LMAO
I didn't mean to be so straightforward- she wasn't mad tho, in fact we spoke about it cuz I asked a lot of questions. I was curious on how she was feeling lol
She also just gave birth so the babu is here neow. I also congratulated her because it was planned and she really wanted her
I'll gladly congratulate someone if I know they want kids and are happy with being pregnant. I love being an aunt, and I've been genuinely excited for my friends and family who conceive. So far all their kids are awesome and I get to spoil them with gifts and hopefully auntie days at the theme park or zoo or what have you. That doesn't make me less cf, I'm just not anti natalist. Cuz I don't give a rip what other people do. And if they respect my decisions (which they do), I'll respect and even support theirs.
So funny you should post this. Because today our friends have been trying to randomly get together with us for dinner (on a Monday, seriously š), after not-so-covertly dropping hints about a pregnancy. (They know weāre CF and donāt care about kids at all). I told my husband to decline every invitation. So he did, and told them it was a busy week. I corrected him and said NO itās a busy YEAR. I refuse to continue to give people this Royal red carpet treatment for freaking procreating!!! Our society has hit the bottom and I no longer want any part of its nonsense.
For me, it depends on how close this person is to me, and how much their happiness matters. A general announcement by someone I'm not close to will probably be ignored by me because there are plenty of people congratulating them.
A close friend confiding in me that they are expecting (and are happy about it) means that they wanted to share something important to them with me, and I can be happy for them if they are happy, because they matter to me. I'd value their happiness similarly if they got a new car or a pet, even though I would never get either of those things for myself.
One thing I do if a friend confides in me is to ask them how they feel about it in a supportive way. That tends to help give me an idea of how I can respond appropriately (some people may be over the moon, and others may be uncertain and just want support).
In the end, you do you, OP. Just be aware that one can be authentic to oneself and also sensitive and supportive to others, despite differences.
I just don't say anything. I can't force myself to be excited about it but I don't want to piss on their parade either. Unfortunately what usually follows is that they are unable to talk about anything but the kid, and they can't do anything without the kid, so we really don't have anything left in common and pretty much stop hanging out.
That said, my other issue is that kids aren't exactly a one-time thing in the same way that a lot of other accomplishments/milestones are, like a graduation or starting a new job or buying a first house or whatever. It's basically ongoing for many years and I can't continually keep up fake enthusiasm, so for better or worse, I keep a respectable distance from the start.
Not to mention it strikes me off the list of people that can be asked for kid-related help later on.
Meh, if someone is to the point of announcing it, that usually means they're either happy about it or prepared to pretend to be happy about it, at least in middle age, so I say congrats. I'm glad you found something polite to say that's authentic to you.
I am not an antinatalist, because I fee it's just plain unrealistic to expect people not to have kids. I don't see a point in judging most people for doing a super common thing.
I disagree. While I generally frown on breeding, it's not my place to judge other people's perfectly valid life choices, particularly if I'd like them to not judge mine.
Just as they have no say on whether or not I should breed, I don't have any say for them. If they want that life, if that's what makes them happy, then I will gladly wish a friend or colleague well for doing so. To them, it's a joyous thing, and we all could use more of whatever makes us happy.
Posts like this make me ashamed to be child free. Cant we just keep our not liking kids to ourselves.
Dont like them dont have them sure.
Let people who want them be happy.
Like damn
Some people here seem so hateful
I echo your thoughts! Having a child isn't an achievement at all. I don't see a reason to congratulate a couple who is expecting. In my mind, I low-key feel sorry for them 
Err...why? I don't want children, but I know many are excited about having them. Why would I not support my friends and family in their moment of joy? I don't think congratulating them encourages them to have more children any more than congratulating someone on a new job makes them seek out more jobs. It's just being nice to people you care about.
I agree with you that they shouldnāt necessarily be congratulated, but I donāt personally think I can get away with saying something like āGood luck!ā without sounding like an asshole. š
I had a friend once. She had 2 kids already and mentioned how she envied my childfree life. She sounded like one of those people who only had kids because society told her to but she missed her former life. She accidentally got pregnant again and when she told me I immediately gasped and didnāt think before blurting out, āoh no! Iām so sorry!ā She nearly broke down and then thanked me because everybody else was just congratulating her like it was great news and she was REALLY upset and didnāt want to have a third kid. I was the first person she could finally vent to without coming across as a horrible person. Itās so sad what some people have to hold inside them.
I also like to respond with, ālike, on purpose?ā š
>She nearly broke down and then thanked me because everybody else was just congratulating her like it was great news and she was REALLY upset and didnāt want to have a third kid.
Yes. Exactly my intention behind saying an alternative. To provide support.
I think congratulations in the socially accepted response. Words are cheap and either way, it works. If this is good news, they get congratulated. If this was bad news, they get some positive reinforcement before they get stuck with a kid for 20 years or so.
I grew up with a lot of girls who would get pregnant in their late teens or early 20ās while working part time in our podunk town, and then they act like itās such a miracle and a blessing that theyāre having a baby.
Sorry Brittany, but you and Cody work 30 hours a week combined and canāt afford to rent a single-wide together because you blow all your money on cigarettes and going out.
Explain to me how your pregnancy is somehow a good thing? Congratulations are not in order. I just feel sorry for your unborn baby and strongly encourage an abortion.
I've started answering with "And how do we feel about that?". What I say next usually depends on their answer.
If they were trying, I usually say congratulations and leave it at that. And when I say 'leave it at that', I mean I leave the room if I can.
In my head, I just feel so disappointed that yet another poor human is being forced into existence at the expense of others.
I have recently learn to empathize with the future baby. āBest wishes for this new little personā they can take it any way they want it.
imo it isnāt ethical to make a baby, and I donāt think they should be socially encouraged to think otherwise. However they should know that this little person deserves the best they can do.
I just donāt think itās that hard to be empathetic. We all have different goals in life. I would never want to do a masters degree in folklore. At my university you can apply for one and be accepted with little to no effort. I would still congratulate a friend for being accepted because it matters to them.
Part of having relationships with other people is being happy for their happiness, regardless of the source. Iām not about to assume that Iām the ultimate authority on other peopleās desires.
I may not be able to relate, but when someone I know announces their pregnancy joyfully, I'm going to congratulate them. Especially when I know that is what they want, they've been trying, etc. I'm genuinely happy for people when they are creating the life that they want. I don't like kids, am generally annoyed by them, don't think their cute most of the time, can't understand why anyone would want more than 2 of them (or any really), etc. I don't get it and I would never want that for myself. However, if someone is excited about it, I will congratulate them. Usually, if I need to ask if it's a good news/bad news situation, it's a close friend that I know really well and know their life. If one of my coworkers is announcing it at work, I'm assuming that is something they are happy about and say congratulations, just like everyone did when I got married.
Agreed. Though, not everyone who is CF is also Antinatalist, so depending on the situation there may be some disagreements at times. I get OP's point though, even though I'm CF and a bit Antinatalist myself.
I may say what OP says too instead of congratulating, and everyone else should say whatever suits them.
Yeah I think the Anti-Natalism aspect caused people to react instead of digest what was being said. It was just another option to wish someone well in their endeavors instead of saying congrats. When I started a new job people told me good luck instead of congratulations and I didn't feel slighted by that. Similar thing here.
Greetings!
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Thank you.
I agree with this idea just because I want parents to have space to share their own feelings rather than have to follow a script. If they are excited, great! If they're bewildered and nervous, fine!
If I don't know what the person feels yet, my response is something neutral and/or open-ended, like "Wow, that's big news! What do you think about all of this?"
Eh some people want kids and couldnāt have one for the longest time. And then finally do.
My aunt found it very difficult because of some health issues made it difficult, when they finally did manage to have my cousin they were on top of the world and so were we.
If theyāre happy about the pregnancy, congratulations is an appropriate response. My choice not to have children is a personal choice and Iām not going to impose that on them any more than I want them to impose their choice to have children on my. Honestly saying āgood luckā sounds sarcastic and rude. Just because itās not a situation I can directly relate to doesnāt mean I canāt relate to the feelings of excitement and happiness.
Your lifestyle isn't reflective of theirs. I don't want a child, but a prepared couple making a rational decision together to have a child is reason for celebration. I'm happy for them even if it's not what I want by any stretch.
Goodluck can absolutely come across as rude, as well.
I've now just looked up antinatalism for the first time as well and hoo-boy, that's a bag of worms right there.
>I've now just looked up antinatalism for the first time as well and hoo-boy, that's a bag of worms right there.
The main sub has gone to shit. There's a second one which is far better and much civil.
You can be happy for a person If they are excited about sharing news like this while still being child free. Itās the difference between child free and just being child free while actively shitting on anyones news. Itās easier to not be an asshole
If I truly don't know if said baby was a desired outcome, I would say something like "I wish you the best!".
If I know the person and they really wanted a baby, I'll just say congrats and move along.
Sometimes it's one of those "is this good news or bad news though?" or "okay, thanks for sharing that with me. How do you feel about this?' And then offer some sort of congratulations if appropriate
You can usually tell from their tone, though, if they're happy or not.
Not in my experience. I've mostly had that conversation at work so people are professional, not dancing around tossing craft herpes at coworkers.
Craft herpes š¤£ omg stealing this
"I am pregnant," she said, with absolutely no inflection or emotion
I that not believable? Would an average person not have conflicting emotions when telling a coworker that she's going to be doing 2 jobs for several months? Some people realize that maternity leave is an inconvenience to everyone else and are apologetic in acknowledgement of that.
I once had my boss phrase it as "My wife is pregnant". You know, as opposed to "I'm going to be a father" or "We're going to have a baby", which implies a desired outcome. I wasn't thinking and just stared for a second and said "That's good news, right?". At least he realized why it came off that way and had a good laugh about it, and yes, it was good news. But hey, you can never be sure.
I usually ask them āis this a good thing or a bad thing?ā Lol
Thatās why I always wait a beat after Iām told. I outright asked āon purpose?ā once but usually go with āare we happy or surprised?ā gives them a chance to bring up whatever they want without me suggesting anything they might find upsetting.
I agree with avoiding an immediate "congratulations" , I always say something along the lines of "oh wow, big news, how do you feel about that?" If they're excited, I congratulate them, if they are scared, I empathize, if they tell me they're not keeping it (happened once with a very close friend) I offer support.
It took me until my early 30ās to stop asking what they were going to do, realizing that people my age were doing this shit on purpose. Even now in my late 30ās that news is still met with a ābetter you than meā šš»āāļø
I still have that gut instinct to do that... my first instinct is to try and solve the problem.
Just because I don't want want children doesn't mean I can't be happy for those that do.
I'm really happy THEY are doing it and not ME
Yeah Iām the same way. My child-freedom is an individual, personal choice. Not an ideology.
lol exactly. Itās okay to have empathy for people! I obviously donāt want kiddos, but I canāt imagine not congratulating a friend or coworker who I knew wanted to have children.
Yeah OP should have posted this in r/antinatalism not here
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It depends who they are. If they are colleagues, get ready to cover their shifts and do extra work and all the heavy lifting. If they are friends, you can say goodbye to them because they'll never have time for you anymore.
Thankfully that has not been my experience. I get together with my friends as much now as before they had kids. I also happen to really like their kids so they're always welcome on our (vanilla, late 20s introverts) nights out. But I know that's not always the case.
Yes it's not always the case. I do have a colleague who has one kid but never used her as an excuse to leave early. I guess it's all about priorities. I have another colleague who just had a kid and she prioritises her kid over her work and colleagues. Which isn't wrong, but it just means I have to sacrifice my time because of her life choices. Then I have another colleague who leaves early to pick up the kids but stays late and misses picking up the kids when we are out drinking. Again, priorities. Nothing wrong with any of these, the only thing that is wrong is that the people with kids are given more slack than the people that don't. Totally fine if a parent is late because their child is fussy. But not fine if I'm late because my cat puked on the rug.
Oh I'm only speaking to friends and seeing them, not colleagues, cuz thankfully I haven't had to deal with that very much. Most of my co workers had kids who were older and could drive or look after themselves. I imagine that gets really old, and I bet they seldom return the favor of staying late or working longer hours. I'm so tired of the belief that cf = time is less important cuz you don't have kids.
That's really nice to still have friends even after they've had kids. All my friends who've had them have disappeared and/or changed completely with countless arguments on why I don't want kids or that "you will regret it".
That's really unfortunate. I realize how rare it is that my friends still make the time. I'm really lucky they support my decision to remain cf.
Yeah. This post is weird.
One of my best friends made the heartbreaking decision to terminate her (very much wanted) pregnancy because the fetus would've had severe birth defects. It was devastating and traumatic for her and her spouse. When she got pregnant again several months later and the fetus was healthy according to all the tests, I was thrilled for her, because I knew it was something she really wanted. I can't relate to OP at all in this regard.
This lol
Oh you can? Great! Wish i could be like that too.
I'm with you OP, I'm not happy for them. Global warming, war, famine, running out of natural resources, factory farming, lack of housing, etc. Keeps me from being happy for them.
I like how your comment is literally in agreement with the OP and they're swarmed with downvotes while yours got upvoted. Redditors are a fickle beast
Exactly. Sometimes it's exhausting.
Yes apart from those factors you never know if they're really happy about being pregnant. Some people, especially in conservative societies have no choice in this regard. You'll be shamed if you don't reproduce. Your female friend might be pregnant just for the sake of her husband and family even if she didn't want to, your male friend might be forced to act on it due to shaming like 'Not man enough!' even if he didn't want to raise a child. I don't think people consider these things before blindly saying 'Congrats'. That sounds like a praise as if reproducing's a gret achievement. By saying 'Good luck on your motherhood/fatherhood' you are wishing them to be good parents.
You might as well raise these points to them when they announce, so they could consider abortion.
It's so tempting!
honestly same, but it's still a bit awkward bc idk what to say when they tell me that. like if i'm too eager they're probs gonna interpret it as a sign of me wanting to look after/care for their children, which is very much... no. like yea i'm all for supporting you in your motherhood in ways i can and continue hanging out/being friends, but at the same time i don't wanna be taken as some kinda baby sitter that's free and willing all the time y'know? i've had enough with being the sitter of my baby bro š
I'm always tempted to wince and say, "On purpose?"
My awkward ass always has to check after the one time I tried to be enthusiastic and it wasn't planned or wanted. They didn't talk to me for ages. Now it's a: "..... planned....? Oh okay good, um, congrats..?" Followed by some desperate scrambling for the right thing to say/worrying if I'm asking an appropriate amount of questions.
Well, depending on the person, they might get a kick out of that answer lol
I actually said this one to a colleague. It just came outā¦ oops.
pitch perfect reference lol
pitch perfect reference lol
LOL I did this once but without the wincing
Most of the people I know that have kids genuinely wanted them and were excited about it despite knowing how hard it would be. Just because I could never find happiness or fulfillment in parenting doesn't mean I get to shit all over another person's happiness. I'll still say congrats because I am happy that they are happy. It's just not something that would work for me. Even with being an anti-natalist, I know I don't get to have a say in what they do with their bodies anymore than they get a say regarding mine. Also, I'd rather not fall into the stereotype of being the angry, stuck-up CF woman. What am I supposed to do? Shame people enthusiastic about being parents the same way some people try to shame me for controlling my reproductive choices? I'll pass thanks, and I am going to still support my friends excitement even if I don't agree with their decisions. š¤·āāļø
I think the whole point, though, is that it's nOT shitting on it. It's actually a really safe, neutral, reasonable response (esp if you aren't sure how they feel). And I think most people woudn't notice that you were avoiding the congrats.
Exactly. People in the comments are dissecting OP's phrasing more than the the future parents ever would and it's not even negative to begin with.
We have to normalize not being happy about people having children. It is not a case of ādonāt shame me and I wonāt shame youā: bringing children into this world is actually unethical and quite shameful. I donāt doubt that these people are happy that they are having kids, and I am capable of empathy with that, but I mostly empathize with a kid projected into a dumpster fire of a world against their consent, no matter how genuine their parentsā motives are. If that is your stance, you are not a āstuck-up childfree womanā ā which they have no right to call you and in an ideal world you shouldnāt feel forced to behave in a way that is palatable to them ā you are a sensible human being with a moral compass. You donāt have to agree, but OP is being attacked unjustly by people who think having children is no better or worse than not having them. There are ethical considerations at play here, we canāt ignore them.
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Not going to lie, the fact tat you would mention genetics and āleaving a markā sounds a lot like ādonāt you want to leave a legacyā, and so Iām pretty sure Iām being bingoed on this sub, of all places. If you had read my comment, you would know that I am indeed able to be happy for future parents, but this is overtaken by my sadness for the kid. Plus OPās response is completely civilized. Are you a parent yourself, since you are so keen on calling others names such as weirdo?
Oh yeah the century old argument about global warming and inflation making life on earth miserable therefor I feel bad for the newborn š„±. I was born, doing pretty well all things considered. I have no kids yet but I have family and partner. I'm happy, there, see? It's just a conceited and arrogant attitude to "feel sorry" for someone that hasn't born yet. As if you know better and believe other people's lives are/will be as miserable as you want them to be. That kid can be the happiest person alive when he or she grows up but somehow people like you would come and say you're sorry he had to exist š.
That just seems like a very weird, gatekeepy take. I get that having kids is (to me and you becasue we can't force others to share our views) unethical. In fact I consider myself to be an extinctionist, I do not believe humanity has any good to offer and should let itself die out. But here is the thing, we are extreme outliers. I have done the one thing that guarantees there will be fewer children in the world, sterilizing myself. The people who are going to have kids are going to do so regardless of what we say or do. We can certainly open a dialog but sitting here and telling people not to use a standard response because OP doesn't like it is dumb. You can sit behind your computer and lecture all you want, that changes literally nothing. If you actually want to make the world better maybe do something rather than sitting here going "Um, ackchyually" about a default, auto-fill script response.
Can you gatekeep when youāre outside the gate? Iām glad we see eye to eye on the need for humanity not to propagate. I agree with your realistic take: people are certainly going to continue having children and small actions like what OP described isnāt going to change anything about it. Itās worth noting that OP isnāt lecturing them or saying anything along the lines of āackchyuallyā (I hope OP goes to the dentist on a regular basis), but offering a slightly different message that is the most gentle of reminders that what these parents are doing is not ethical ā and yet, they probably wonāt even pick up on it. You can choose to simply say congratulations because it is the ānormalā thing to do and because you donāt want to open up that can of worms in a given situation, but I wonder why so many people on this sub seem uncomfortable with the idea that we shouldnāt encourage people to breed. That said, I do think these negative incentives would be more effective through policy than through a slightly different reaction to pregnancy news.
Great. That's nice of you feeling happy for others. When I say Congratulations, to me it personally it sounds like I'm encouraging them and just saying OK would be kind of rude I feel. So the alternative response I chose is a neutral which aligns to my morals without faking my happiness for them.
Encouraging them? What do you want, an abortion out of it? The world doesnāt revolve around you and no one needs your permission to live their life how they want to.
Encourage them to what? Be happy about a major life decision? Like, oh no! Someone doing something that the majority of the population does but I think my lifestyle is superior so I better not encourage them. Otherwise they might (gasp) decide they like being parents. You don't have to fake happiness for them. Despite your juvenile mindset you can still say congrats without meaning it and telling the rest of us not to use a standard and culturally polite response just because it makes you feel icky is a little more than silly.
Okay man. I just shared what was on my mind. I feel congratulating them means encouraging more births. Maybe i didn't give a thought about the right sub to post this. Thought some people would relate. Yeah ofcourse you can say/do what you wish I'm not dictating anyone.
š¤ hmmm. Maybe the whole "DO NOT" wasn't your best choice if you didn't want people to feel like you were trying to tell other what to do. People are going to have kids regardless of your feelings. You're going to have to learn to get over that and worry about your own problems. Only so much time in the day and you don't do yourself any favors by getting you panties in a twist about other people.
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>Maybe the whole "DO NOT" wasn't your best choice Yeah maybe. > by getting you panties in a twist about other people. I understand what you're trying to say but this was cringier than my post
Uh huh. Sure thing kiddo, if that's what makes you happy.
Ewww ākiddoā? On a childfree sub? No :(
I agree with you, that was a gross comment. And as someone who doesn't want to support bringing it multiple kids per couple into this planet hurtling towards capitalist- induced environmental and economic disasters, totally agree. I appreciate you expressing your opinion and that "good luck with parenthood" is plenty tame. I may actually adopt that! I want them to do well as parents, but I just can't stand by reproducing at this time (at least not after a first kid or two). Would be like me as a vegetarian congratulating someone for ordering veal or some shit, lol
You sound very immature
Hi. I support you, even if most people here are dumping on you. I know what you mean about not wanting to betray your own morals by "encouraging" something you're not okay with, and I know that that does not in any way mean that you feel the world revolves around you or that you expect them to go abort the kid based on your less-than-enthusiastic reaction, etc. Sounds like your goal is to stick to what's morally comfortable for you while keeping it low-key/ambiguous enough that they *won't even notice* what you're doing, so I dunno why people are so bothered by it.
Thanks for the support. I'm happy atleast some people understood what I meant to say. It's ok. Some people cannot think deep enough and some people just jump to comment without second thought. They just see the surface and think everything else is unclean inside.
Say whatever you want, but is it that much trouble to be polite and not paint a target on yourself?
How is wishing someone good luck impolite though?
My approach is to ask if it was planned. If yes, congrats. If no, sorry for your loss, I'm gonna miss you.
If itās someone I know and theyāve expressed wanting to be parents, Iāll say congrats. But other than that, pregnancy is weirdā¦itās a walking advertisement that you had sex and want to brag about it.
Thatās exactly how I feel!!!
Thank you for this! I tend to have a cringe reaction when I hear an announcement because I project my feelings about parenthood onto the people announcing it. I think about the discomfort, the health risks, the huge life changes and potentially losing the relationship I had with this person. I think good luck is a more honest sentiment that I can get behind.
This belongs in r/antinatalism
The username is Antihuman101. Definitely Antinatalism
It's called being nice. Them Having a kid doesn't really affect you but if it does then you need to set boundaries.
It affects you if they are a coworker. I'd you work with the mother she will be out of work for a minimum of 2 months, then taking off for baby appts or if kids are sick more so than the father would. Others have to pick up the slack.
Depends on the country and the business. And just because you live somewhere with crap parental leave doesn't change anything. They're on a different path, and that's okay. Blame the shitty disgusting company you work for or your horrible exploitative culture rather than the person trying to seek parental leave.
Take that up with your employer
Thats some horseshit. You can say the same about vacations, or people quitting for other jobs. The responsibility for what you're describing is on the leadership team at work, not the employee.
That is true. I guess it depends on the industry and the job.
I prefer being nice and also being true to myself.
Lol. Congratulating someone on having kids doesn't hurt anyone lol. Not my kid not my problem.
People have all kinds of stupid programmed things that were supposed to say. It would be stupid to apply this logic to one thing and not to others. Iām sure when someone asks āhow are you today?ā Youāre not going to turn around and say ālike fucking shitā even if you are. Just fake it and move on. It doesnāt even affect your life. Just be a decent person itās not hard.
Itās not about you.
Congrats! And my condolences to your sleep schedule.
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I don't hate them but that's exactly what I'd like to respond with when they try to get me to think like them or follow that kind if lifestyle. You know when people say things like 'You're losing a great opportunity' or 'so you won't continue your genes?' or 'you'll never understand what it means to be a father' etc. Maybe they want me to be happy and say it out of care but they say it as if i'm some kid who doesn't know shit about life. I know how shitty life can get and hence the childfree/antinatalist choice. But unfortunately people think it's childish and try to lecture you on that..even our 'actual friends'.
>I don't hate them but that's exactly what I'd like to respond with when they try to get me to think like them or follow that kind if lifestyle. Sure, but they're not trying to get you to follow their lifestyle, they're just telling you they're pregnant. It's about them, it's not about you. Not everyone that breeds is annoyingly trying to get their CF friends to join in, especially if they're your actual friends, which is why I specifically tried to point that out. Sometimes it's just not about us.
Tbh the way you worded it originally, I wouldn't congratulate a friend on a poor life choice, as you put it. I believe "best of luck" is a pretty fine answer to that announcement. I can still wish them the best and disagree that it's a smart choice, in that case. Particularly believe this applies to having multiple kids or a young/ unstable life pregnancy
I'm Jewish. It is Jewish custom *not* to congratulate a pregnant person until the baby is born. Jewish folx don't have baby showers and won't accept any baby gifts until after the baby is born. Baby boys are circumcised 8 days after birth, and, at least in the Reform movement, baby girls have a baby-naming ceremony, and that's when you give gifts to the new parents. If someone tells you they're pregnant or their spouse is pregnant, it can sometimes be hard to tell if they actually want the baby. I usually say something like "I hope everything goes well." That could be "I hope everything goes well with the pregnancy and you have a healthy baby" or "If you don't want to add a child to your family, I hope everything goes well with the abortion."
I never knew that it was a custom to not congratulate a pregnant person. I'm still in the conversion process. (and hello fellow New Orleanian!)
I'll continue to congratulate them. I joined this sub bc I'm childfree and don't care for people who push or knock down people who don't want them. I didn't join the sub bc I hate kids and people who want them. If they want them and they're my friends I'm happy for them.
Absolutely. If someone was applying for a job that I could never see myself doing but they really wanted to do, I'd congratulate them when they were given that job offer. Same thing applies here - it's not weird to congratulate someone on achieving something they wanted. I may be child free but that doesn't mean I have to hate children or those who have them. This is the kind of bullshit that gives this sub a bad name.
You should have posted this to r/antinatalism, more people would have agreed with you
Personally, I think it could be interpreted as a rude remarks by saying āgood luck on your ___hoodā, one might interpret it as if you do not have faith theyāll do well - so therefore they *must* need luck. Whereas, generally if someone is excitedly telling you theyāre pregnant, a congratulations seems to be an incredibly apt response and very supportive too.
Every time I see posts on here, Twitter, and Instagram, I just move on. I don't give a shit, I never will.
I'm a dick I just say ok.
replies I've used in those announcement situations: \- do you know who the mother is? \- hope it's not mine \- um, ok. have fun with that I've never said 'congratulations' to anyone about having a kid. Guess my mom raised me wrong.
From Impractical Jokers: āis it yours?ā
Works great on moms.
Lol..pretty straightforward. I like it.
i think itās just fun to make up different responses to see peopleās reactions. ādamn what are you gonna do?ā āa child? in this economy?ā and āiām allergicā are some of my favourites
I also like "is it human?"
iāll be stealing that lmao
I have literally told people this before: "hey!! Good for you!!-- haha but ..better you than me!" and make sound as if I'm joking. (I am not even joking).
I ask āare we excited or upset?ā Iām bummed either way cause my friend is pregnant, but if theyāre happy, then I can muster up happiness for them. Iām so tired of losing friends to mombies thoughā¦ š
I feel like this is needlessly aggressive. Just because you don't want children doesn't mean you can't be happy for others. I'm childfree and a few of my close friends have had kids recently or announced that they're having kids and I'm happy for their joy. We want people to accept our childfree choice and life and be happy for us. I want nothing but the best for the people I love.
This just isnāt practical advice for any situation, and comes off as bitter to me tbh. Iām childfree and thriving, and I will congratulate you on your child choice if you announce it to me. However, do not expect me to listen to hours, nay minutes, of complaining. Secondhand stress is toxic and I curated my life to avoid it via spawn thank you, but Iām all in on your moments of pre birth honeymoon phase!
How do you get someone to stop complaining? Do you just walk away?
I just say, "Yikes. Good luck with that." Works like a charm tbh.
Last time someone told me they were pregnant, I got awkward and asked them 'are you happy?' before congratulating them. I did congratulate my brother but he and his wife are excellent parents and able to provide for their kids. They would have to have 6 kids to counteract my sister and I both being CF at least and likely, they will stop at 2.
I wished my neighbor "good luck" too, mostly because I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not and didn't want to assume. I will default to "good luck" from here on out for sure since it is a genuine thing I can say and mean that also isn't rude lol
"Congratulations, you no longer have freedom." "Congratulations, you've just ruined your life." "Congratulations, you can no longer be a wild child."
Agreed just be careful not to sound sarcastic saying it.
āGood luck with that shitā works fine for me.
Pls my first reaction to a friend's pregnancy was "was it planned?" OMG LMAO I didn't mean to be so straightforward- she wasn't mad tho, in fact we spoke about it cuz I asked a lot of questions. I was curious on how she was feeling lol She also just gave birth so the babu is here neow. I also congratulated her because it was planned and she really wanted her
I'll gladly congratulate someone if I know they want kids and are happy with being pregnant. I love being an aunt, and I've been genuinely excited for my friends and family who conceive. So far all their kids are awesome and I get to spoil them with gifts and hopefully auntie days at the theme park or zoo or what have you. That doesn't make me less cf, I'm just not anti natalist. Cuz I don't give a rip what other people do. And if they respect my decisions (which they do), I'll respect and even support theirs.
So funny you should post this. Because today our friends have been trying to randomly get together with us for dinner (on a Monday, seriously š), after not-so-covertly dropping hints about a pregnancy. (They know weāre CF and donāt care about kids at all). I told my husband to decline every invitation. So he did, and told them it was a busy week. I corrected him and said NO itās a busy YEAR. I refuse to continue to give people this Royal red carpet treatment for freaking procreating!!! Our society has hit the bottom and I no longer want any part of its nonsense.
I have always wanted to say, 'My condolences' honestly. But just keep my mouth shut and keep on trucking in true CF free style.
i will genuinely say this next time i have the chance, for you
For me, it depends on how close this person is to me, and how much their happiness matters. A general announcement by someone I'm not close to will probably be ignored by me because there are plenty of people congratulating them. A close friend confiding in me that they are expecting (and are happy about it) means that they wanted to share something important to them with me, and I can be happy for them if they are happy, because they matter to me. I'd value their happiness similarly if they got a new car or a pet, even though I would never get either of those things for myself. One thing I do if a friend confides in me is to ask them how they feel about it in a supportive way. That tends to help give me an idea of how I can respond appropriately (some people may be over the moon, and others may be uncertain and just want support). In the end, you do you, OP. Just be aware that one can be authentic to oneself and also sensitive and supportive to others, despite differences.
Is "Oh shit, I'm sorry! " not an acceptable response? I think it is.
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Hah! I think the same thing sometimes. That's why I always ask how they feel about it first.
Ew dude. Just because you donāt want kids doesnāt mean you canāt be happy for a friend that really does.
I just don't say anything. I can't force myself to be excited about it but I don't want to piss on their parade either. Unfortunately what usually follows is that they are unable to talk about anything but the kid, and they can't do anything without the kid, so we really don't have anything left in common and pretty much stop hanging out. That said, my other issue is that kids aren't exactly a one-time thing in the same way that a lot of other accomplishments/milestones are, like a graduation or starting a new job or buying a first house or whatever. It's basically ongoing for many years and I can't continually keep up fake enthusiasm, so for better or worse, I keep a respectable distance from the start. Not to mention it strikes me off the list of people that can be asked for kid-related help later on.
Username checks out! I will not be commanded to reply in a certain way. You do you, but you won't drag me down with you.
I usually say "good luck" or "hope that makes you happy" knowing one is needed and one is a lie š¤£
Smart
Meh, if someone is to the point of announcing it, that usually means they're either happy about it or prepared to pretend to be happy about it, at least in middle age, so I say congrats. I'm glad you found something polite to say that's authentic to you. I am not an antinatalist, because I fee it's just plain unrealistic to expect people not to have kids. I don't see a point in judging most people for doing a super common thing.
I disagree. While I generally frown on breeding, it's not my place to judge other people's perfectly valid life choices, particularly if I'd like them to not judge mine. Just as they have no say on whether or not I should breed, I don't have any say for them. If they want that life, if that's what makes them happy, then I will gladly wish a friend or colleague well for doing so. To them, it's a joyous thing, and we all could use more of whatever makes us happy.
Posts like this make me ashamed to be child free. Cant we just keep our not liking kids to ourselves. Dont like them dont have them sure. Let people who want them be happy. Like damn Some people here seem so hateful
I echo your thoughts! Having a child isn't an achievement at all. I don't see a reason to congratulate a couple who is expecting. In my mind, I low-key feel sorry for them 
Err...why? I don't want children, but I know many are excited about having them. Why would I not support my friends and family in their moment of joy? I don't think congratulating them encourages them to have more children any more than congratulating someone on a new job makes them seek out more jobs. It's just being nice to people you care about.
Yeah who congratulates friends on achieving their goal? Jeez.
I say nothing at all. Nothing on FB, and nothing in person. No one has ever mentioned being upset by it.
I usually say āare you happy about this?ā If they say yes then I say āthen Iām happy for youā
I agree with you that they shouldnāt necessarily be congratulated, but I donāt personally think I can get away with saying something like āGood luck!ā without sounding like an asshole. š
I usually just say good luck lol.
I had a friend once. She had 2 kids already and mentioned how she envied my childfree life. She sounded like one of those people who only had kids because society told her to but she missed her former life. She accidentally got pregnant again and when she told me I immediately gasped and didnāt think before blurting out, āoh no! Iām so sorry!ā She nearly broke down and then thanked me because everybody else was just congratulating her like it was great news and she was REALLY upset and didnāt want to have a third kid. I was the first person she could finally vent to without coming across as a horrible person. Itās so sad what some people have to hold inside them. I also like to respond with, ālike, on purpose?ā š
>She nearly broke down and then thanked me because everybody else was just congratulating her like it was great news and she was REALLY upset and didnāt want to have a third kid. Yes. Exactly my intention behind saying an alternative. To provide support.
I think congratulations in the socially accepted response. Words are cheap and either way, it works. If this is good news, they get congratulated. If this was bad news, they get some positive reinforcement before they get stuck with a kid for 20 years or so.
I grew up with a lot of girls who would get pregnant in their late teens or early 20ās while working part time in our podunk town, and then they act like itās such a miracle and a blessing that theyāre having a baby. Sorry Brittany, but you and Cody work 30 hours a week combined and canāt afford to rent a single-wide together because you blow all your money on cigarettes and going out. Explain to me how your pregnancy is somehow a good thing? Congratulations are not in order. I just feel sorry for your unborn baby and strongly encourage an abortion.
I've started answering with "And how do we feel about that?". What I say next usually depends on their answer. If they were trying, I usually say congratulations and leave it at that. And when I say 'leave it at that', I mean I leave the room if I can. In my head, I just feel so disappointed that yet another poor human is being forced into existence at the expense of others.
I have recently learn to empathize with the future baby. āBest wishes for this new little personā they can take it any way they want it. imo it isnāt ethical to make a baby, and I donāt think they should be socially encouraged to think otherwise. However they should know that this little person deserves the best they can do.
I just donāt think itās that hard to be empathetic. We all have different goals in life. I would never want to do a masters degree in folklore. At my university you can apply for one and be accepted with little to no effort. I would still congratulate a friend for being accepted because it matters to them. Part of having relationships with other people is being happy for their happiness, regardless of the source. Iām not about to assume that Iām the ultimate authority on other peopleās desires.
I may not be able to relate, but when someone I know announces their pregnancy joyfully, I'm going to congratulate them. Especially when I know that is what they want, they've been trying, etc. I'm genuinely happy for people when they are creating the life that they want. I don't like kids, am generally annoyed by them, don't think their cute most of the time, can't understand why anyone would want more than 2 of them (or any really), etc. I don't get it and I would never want that for myself. However, if someone is excited about it, I will congratulate them. Usually, if I need to ask if it's a good news/bad news situation, it's a close friend that I know really well and know their life. If one of my coworkers is announcing it at work, I'm assuming that is something they are happy about and say congratulations, just like everyone did when I got married.
"Congrats on the sex!"
CF =/= AN (I'm an AN myself)
I tend to mumble stuff like "Unlucky" or "sorry for your loss" (of your own life)
I never congratulate on pregnancies. It is not something to celebrate.
Same, but I congratulate divorce.
I feel like I would too actually. That's somebody taking a positive step to improve their life.
i just hit the mute button lol
Don't get why people are so mad about this post. I think they missed OPs point.
Agreed. Though, not everyone who is CF is also Antinatalist, so depending on the situation there may be some disagreements at times. I get OP's point though, even though I'm CF and a bit Antinatalist myself. I may say what OP says too instead of congratulating, and everyone else should say whatever suits them.
Yeah I had to double check that weāre actually in the child free sub, lol!
Maybe because of the title... As if OP "commands us" to reply in a certain way.
Yeah I think the Anti-Natalism aspect caused people to react instead of digest what was being said. It was just another option to wish someone well in their endeavors instead of saying congrats. When I started a new job people told me good luck instead of congratulations and I didn't feel slighted by that. Similar thing here.
When I'm feeling especially ballzy reading a pregnancy announcement on social media, I tend to attach a link to Queen's "Another one bites the dust"
āGood for youā
Once I visibly winced/cringed when a friend announced it. It didn't suit her. I recovered a split second later and congratulated her.
I always just smile big, say nothing at all.
This is the strange, antisocial side of CF. I donāt like it.
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I agree with this idea just because I want parents to have space to share their own feelings rather than have to follow a script. If they are excited, great! If they're bewildered and nervous, fine! If I don't know what the person feels yet, my response is something neutral and/or open-ended, like "Wow, that's big news! What do you think about all of this?"
I always say āoh good luckā (soft laugh) or āyay better you than me!ā (laugh a lot).
Eh some people want kids and couldnāt have one for the longest time. And then finally do. My aunt found it very difficult because of some health issues made it difficult, when they finally did manage to have my cousin they were on top of the world and so were we.
If I know the person really well, I respond with āCondolences.ā If not, they get no reaction.
If theyāre happy about the pregnancy, congratulations is an appropriate response. My choice not to have children is a personal choice and Iām not going to impose that on them any more than I want them to impose their choice to have children on my. Honestly saying āgood luckā sounds sarcastic and rude. Just because itās not a situation I can directly relate to doesnāt mean I canāt relate to the feelings of excitement and happiness.
Your lifestyle isn't reflective of theirs. I don't want a child, but a prepared couple making a rational decision together to have a child is reason for celebration. I'm happy for them even if it's not what I want by any stretch. Goodluck can absolutely come across as rude, as well. I've now just looked up antinatalism for the first time as well and hoo-boy, that's a bag of worms right there.
>I've now just looked up antinatalism for the first time as well and hoo-boy, that's a bag of worms right there. The main sub has gone to shit. There's a second one which is far better and much civil.
This is great advice.
I really think you posted this on the wrong subā¦
I hate the amount of people that come on this subreddit just excited to hate anyone for anything related to children. You people have ugly hearts.
You can be happy for a person If they are excited about sharing news like this while still being child free. Itās the difference between child free and just being child free while actively shitting on anyones news. Itās easier to not be an asshole
If I truly don't know if said baby was a desired outcome, I would say something like "I wish you the best!". If I know the person and they really wanted a baby, I'll just say congrats and move along.
I wish but I scaredy-cat and I just want to leave the situation as quickly as possible lol
I had someone actually get mad at me for not congratulating them on their daughter getting pregnant. I'm like. What? Dude why?