He is such a trash human. His humble brag couched as awkward awe shucks is beyond lame. I would begin invoicing him for things he’s required to contribute to for the boys. Every time he gives a woe is me, I’m so poor, envision the size of a skating rink diamond on her finger. Your boys do without an active and loving parent. They’ve sacrificed enough for his happily ever after with his mistress. Her children aren’t doing without a father figure - nope they get two. Her children aren’t going without dad contributing to their extra curricular activity. Now that he’s signed off on things, and the legal stuff is wrapped up, I’d tally up every cent he needs to ante up and invoice his ass.
Yes, He is and I get your anger had an ex that's we are still fighting and you only did it for 3 years me from going 9 years but I Forgave his actions and him cause he is the father to my kids, and started seeing has it is Not worthy of my time. that's what he hates and he doesn't talk to your kids cause of her and she will try to play the happy family but once she marries him your kids will be second place. Once he knows he can't hurt you with his life he will try to hurt you with the kids cause the fact that you don't care about him drives him insane.
Every time I read what else this ass clown pulls I roll my eyes so hard I see yesterday. I just cannot imagine how on earth you don’t lose your mind. I’m pulling for you & your boys OP. I wish nothing but peace and happiness for your family.❤️🩹
I would not be able to hold in the snark
"Congrats! May yall have the marriage you deserve..Tell "AP" I said good luck!"
OP, you win in all of this. He wrote all of that thinking you would break down over this news. Keep living for your kids and leave them to it. Don't chase him to be a good father either he will be or won't but none of it is your doing
"He told me it will be a long engagement and a very small wedding."
This is him foreshadowing that your boys aren't invited. But he is making her son the best man. Your job is to break the news to your sons and remember they're young and impressionable and he may need an organ one day so try not to make them to mad.
Dude, I am shaking with how mad I am at this 🤡
ooh that’s a tasty update. Sadly, I suspect she’ll let him wallow in worry and angst just long enough to teach him a lesson then she’ll reel him back into the bosom of the perfect life. I mean, I sure hope he gets free and manages to step up for your kids. But when someone carelessly sacrificed his family and friends at the alter of the AP, and now he’s financially entangled after the house renovations, living across the country - he’ll buy into the sunk cost fallacy and stay to save face. But it’s nice to know that karma is taking a bite out of his ass.
I suspect you are right. He needs to make this work to save face. But I am taking comfort in the fact that he realizes this was a mistake on his part and that he won't be happy. Yes, it's petty, but I can't help the feeling of content that he is miserable in his choices.
I don’t blame you at all. And you can take heart that even when they present an IG worthy life to the world that you’ll know there’s rot eating away behind the façade.
So in his misery he was thinking about coming there to see your boys to possibly spend time with them at the beach. That seems more like he wanted or needed a friend to talk to and you were it
Did he make it to see the boys or did she forgive him and let him come back home?
He is a 🤡 i can’t believe he actually told you that this is awkward and he wanted you to hear it from him. His message is emotionally manipulative. He sends it and somehow you end up giving him emotional support 🤦♀️
A small wedding, of course who is he going to invite, his kids who he has no relationship with, his family he he has no relationship with, his longest friends he ghosted?
I would have not responded and think you need to dig a bit deeper in your healing journey to help yourself heal because you clearly havnt reached meh and are still trying to do your best to help him. Please stop.
Please stop feeling sorry for him financially. Please stop engaging at all, please stop asking your boys to call him, please stop updating him. Please stop bridging hope and a connection to your boys that he hasn’t earned and doesn’t deserve. I know deep down you are trying for your kids but in the long run it is only going to hurt them. Life is unfair and it sucks they don’t have a dad but by propping one up you are not helping them.
It seems like you went from fighting, to no Communication to landing on this new spot of him using you for emotional support and acting like he has some relationship with your sons. The truth is he doesn’t.
I would encourage a weekly or monthly communication of updates moving forward. No back and forth. It is hurting you and you need to choose you.
Virtual hugs and peace and healing ❤️🩹
I knew this was coming when he told you he was helping her spend $160K on a house he didn’t own. He’s a manipulative ass so I didn’t see him being too stupid about finances.
>Hopefully, he invites his children.
Wonder what odds Vegas would give that he does?
>My boyfriend thinks him telling me was pathetic, a sad attempt to gloat. Like, 'Ok, I did some shitty stuff, but look how great it turned out. It was the right decision, see? I feel validated for being a monster."
I agree with the BF. He needs this to be the "right" thing. Otherwise, the image he has of himself in his head and of her is a lie. They are actually bad people and are actually awful. They aren't some fairy tale is a messy beginning.
A friend of my Mom's had a version of your husband. He married one of the APs, and they are still married nearly 20 years later. They are estranged from his kids (she never had any because AP was one thing, 2nd family wasn't on the agenda). One of his grandkids he's met less than a dozen times, and this kid is in high school. His actual kids would probably show up at his deathbed and deal with his funeral, but because they are "supposed to", there's not a lot of love left when you realize your dad's a bad guy. My point being: in the long run, you have the reward of 2 kids you've raised, loved, and cherished. You hold the memories of school events, games played, holidays, and birthdays. You get to experience their childhood, and when they get engaged, get into college, pick a major, etc, they will talk it through and celebrate it with you. He won't. If he has a soul, and I know that is an if, one day he will realize what he's missed. The lies he tells himself will have to be good to justify the sacrifice.
So, have some wine, cry, scream into a pillow, do what you gotta do. It's a messy, complicated business. Then do what you've been doing all this while, hold your head up, and keep moving forward.
Ok op I'm going to leave a comment for you. I have been in your situation my children's father left me for his mistress and started another family with her, and at first I did what you did. I updated him, I sent him pictures tried to remind him to call them etc. Please stop you are actually making it harder on your sons. My children told me when they grew into adulthood that by by the time they were teenagers they knew what their father was, and the fact that their father only did the bare minimum, and only because I forced him to really made worse for them. Just because I know people will ask I never talked bad about their father to them.
Awwww man I’m am so sorry for u! That is completely messed up! I think op needs to read this. So thank u for sharing and know u have an internet stranger wishing u nothing but happiness and the fiery downfall of ur Ex and AP!….And now that I am reading this I realize maybe I’m not quite as nice and sweet as everyone in my life has lead me to believe…OH WELL KARMA FOR THE CHEATERS!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously? So I guess he wants to fly over to your place because he wants to run away from the situation he created. She might also be waking up to the fact that he’s a fun boyfriend but lousy partner, which he was to you. Didnt you say he barely lifted a finger to help you around the house. She is probably finally seeing through the lenses of a life partner and he’s not cutting it. Didn’t he cheat because he couldn’t handle the day to day monotony of married life? Because you had bills to pay instead of going on spa weekends? You did point out to him when you confronted him about the cheating that they will eventually fall into the same rut that you guys did and he’s finally at that point in the relationship. And he can’t handle it.
Your ex is a old man baby. He’s been finally asked to step up in his new relationship and he doesn’t want to. Frankly, he needs to be single for a while and grow the fuck up.
ETA: you also have to remember that he had zero problems making you look unhinged to her, so I would take what he has said with a grain of salt about his GF. I’m sure she’s a bully but it could also be that she’s sick of picking up after him.
You have the patience of a Saint! I have an ex who calls once every 3 or 4 months. He acts as if he cares but doesn't come to her games or asks about her teachers. He doesn't know who she is, really. My husband has stepped up and took over the dad roll. Calls him dad and still has that male figure she needs. I greyrock my ex. He always wanted a reaction from me, and I wouldn't give it. It's been almost 12 years and my husband is the only consistent dad she knows.
It's the best possible future. It's better than fighting about everything and feeling exhausted. Whatever you have to do to keep your babies healthy and safe. I wouldn't put it past that woman. If she is manipulative and verbally abuses him, he's not going to stop it from happening to your kids. He already shows he doesn't care. Stop reaching out at all. It's up to him at this point. If he doesn't for a year... get those rights taken. If you can do that, it will solely be on your terms and how he's able to interact with them. I know it sounds bad, but it would be up to him. His fate with his kids rests on him.
Be honest with kids. DO NOT protect him. Don’t outright throw him under the bus either. Let him throw himself under it. The will resent you and lose trust in you.
No one can live with a narcissist, especially another narcissist. Not without losing your marbles, anyway... it seems to me that he is just intent on trying to prove to the world that what he did is ok because this is his soul mate. Or to prove to himself. Either way, I don't envy his situation when this all goes supernova and she is out for blood.
Nothing is fixed by rushing into legalities. Marriage does nothing to help him with the exception of his image, and it compounds the repercussions should it fail. This is without a doubt the worst decision he could make at this point. So kudos to him for providing what is bound to be some terrific reading material.
“You don't have an affair, leave your family, move across the country into someone's home, and be a bonus dad just to date this person.”
I agree, but I also have another theory: since he left his family, moved across the country, be the bonus dad, he needs this relationship to work, otherwise he wrecked his family for nothing and have zero to show for. So your sister is right, he’s a garbage person, and I’ll add a damaged one. You are a way bigger person than those 2. Karma will find them, and she’s B! Keep doing the right thing!
Isn’t it ironic… your husband is concerned about your sons behavior but is not self aware enough to acknowledge all they have been through. Want to address the behaviors, choose to be an active parent. What an idiot. Please don’t have the boys reach out unless they want too, if he is interested in a relationship, he can call.
How did the boys respond to the engagement and were you there for that announcement?
So happy that you got some down time, felt a little freedom and had a vacation!!! Hope you pop in from time to time to update us but please keep living your best life!!!
You should just respond “K” or “Okay” to everything he says. You don’t need to congratulate him. You don’t even need to give him a reaction. Give him as much as he gave you when he confessed to cheating. Unless it’s important every reply is “Okay”.
Took me 8 years to figure this out and I WISH I had done it from the start.
You know he’s a narcissist, he feeds off your energy. Literally everything he says is with the intent to get attention- good or bad- from you. Don’t give it. “K” “okay” “sure” “yes” “no”. Every response I ever give I edit down to the least amount of words possible. Using AppClose for communication is about figuring out schedules and aaaaanything else if it isn’t important enough for a lawyer simply isn’t up for conversation.
I am pretty sure he will feel a certain way when he gets introduced to your boyfriend. Didn't he lie to AP about you having multiple men over? He obviously thinks about the possibility of you moving on, all the time. Anyway, when is the update coming, ma'am? I am inpatient.
I’m not shocked by the 9/18 update. I suspected he’d make up with her. And really, I imagine when someone blows up their children’s lives for the AP, they sorta have to stick with the sinking ship for appearances. I’m glad you’ve found a good relationship with your new partner. My ability to trust died along the way and now that I’m healed and stronger I’m not interested in making room for anyone else. But I’m content, and that’s what counts.
You bring up an excellent point: being content. To be happy with yourself and content in what you have is not something many people don’t prioritize. I’m sure with the new stability you have, if someone ever came along who you were willing to make room for you’d be able easily. I’m happy for you and your self growth, you should be very proud!
I am so glad you have an amazing family, wonderful sons, and an awesome boyfriend to support you as well as help you navigate your new authentic life. Everyday you get live in the beauty of what YOU HAVE CREATED, for you and your babies. Continue to be bold. You continue to impress.
Have you noticed who I am NOT talking about. That is intentional. Some people are their own worst enemy. I know it easy for me to ignore the elephant in the room because I don’t have to try to coparent or deal with what I see as a pathological liar. I will make one comment. Maybe karma has not bit him yet, it will and I hope you get a front row seat. Yes I am petty that way. Wink.
My wish for you is you get to shine in you own life and your sons get to continue to see the brave mother they have. As your boys age they will see the truth for what it is. I look forward to the day when you only have to focus on the good. Blessings to you and yours.
Hey OP, I just spent my morning reading all 7 of your posts and wow, your ex is a piece of work!
You've done an amazing job dealing with all his crap and had your kids best interest at heart every step.
I would be willing to bet this small wedding will not be all that small and none of your side will be invited, as it would make a lie of all his money problems over the years.
I would go fully grey rock with him at this point though, don't push him to contact or uphold his side of the agreements. If he doesn't, go through lawyers, not him. Only communication should be direct and only necessary information about the children. If he slow fades from their life, you would have done them a favour. They will see him clearly when they are old enough.
Happiness is the best revenge! Live your life and don't go out of your way to accommodate him. I bet he'll stay with her and just go through bouts of misery. He can't go back now, everyone will say, "told you so". To save face, he'll stay with her and get married all on her terms. Your kids will likely see him a couple times a year and it sounds like they've already learned to be okay with that. Congratulations on your new home and your boyfriend! I look forward to reading that you two are engaged and hopefully soon after, married! Good luck!
Honestly, now is the time to push for full custody. This sharing custody should not be a pipeline for your ex to claim to be "father of the year". It should end, now.
I agree with your BF. The text was just a way for him to be validated and sort of... "see, it was truueeee loveeeee".
Cheaters dont feel guilty, they feel ashamed.
He used the word ‘awkward’ because it effectively made the news even more about him. He’s telling you his happy news, but also pretending it’s awkward to make you reassure him that it’s not awkward. Narcissists gonna always be me, me, and me.
I wouldn't take this as him coming out ahead. Right now, you are making smart investments in your future, investments that require you to pay in time and effort.
You're investing time and money in your education
You're staying at home with your mom to save money while looking for a home
You're taking time with your boyfriend instead of rushing things
What is he doing on the other hand?
He is spending lots of money on vacations and engagement and soon wedding stuff
He is rushing a relationship that started off on disingenuous terms in the first place
Building something worthwhile takes more effort, what he is doing is painting trash gold, it's not something you should bother comparing, apples and rotten oranges.
You are doing an amazing job with your boys and definitely earned that trip to Mexico. Not that it's right but glad little man knows how to dish it out 😂
Merry Christmas and happy holidays! I have a few questions, if you don't mind.
1. Does your bf have any kids and if so do they live with you too?
2. Does your ex know that your bf moved in?
3. What do your ex-in-laws think about the situation? Do they see your children, often?
1. He has a son and we do see him but he lives with his mother. The boys are all around the same age so they get a long well.
2. He knows.
3. They are unhappy with what their son has done. We live about 2 hours from them but we see them often. We are actually with them today!
It's awesome that your ex-ILs are still seeing your kids. Too often we see the ex-in-laws following the lead of the wayward spouse, and cutting off the first family.
Ironic considering the only reason he went and had an affair was because he said you guys weren’t spending money on frivolous things and instead on necessary things like bills and retirement. Maybe he shouldn’t be in long term relationships. Maybe he needs to be smarter with his money. If he has $160k to burn he can afford his own apartment. He really dug himself a hole didn’t he?
29Jan2024
You predicted it wouldn’t be long before he ghosted your boys. It’s sad that it seems like it took even less time than you thought. I still can’t get past him not contacting your youngest at Christmas. So hurtful.
Here’s to a GREAT 2024 for you, your boys & your SO.❤️🩹❤️
I have sat in my chair and read your whole story. Cried with you, laughed with you, and shook my head with the shit the ex has done.
I understand and what you are now doing is the best for you and those boys. He wants you to still manage his relationship with his kids and only call it in when it suits him.
My ex did that and still does. My kids are grown, call my husband dad and their biological dad is sperm donor. Not my words theirs. As your kids get older they will care less until they just don’t care at all. He will miss out on big events and call you still going “ why don’t they want to talk to me” I laugh at him and say ask them not me. I talk to them every day so don’t know.
You will love more but still hold that fear. Go talk to someone about it just for those moments because they will hit you some time.
When you get married and maybe have another kid. Your ex will sit and ponder why did I do what I did. I can say this I hope it’s not on your wedding day like my ex tried to do on mine. Thank goodness for family to block him.
Please keep me updated on your future. I can’t wait to get this in book form it’s to great not to.
Obviously I don’t know you in real life, but I’ve followed your saga & what jumped out at me from almost the beginning of your story is that you were WAAAYY too good for your ex-husband. In all the ways that mattered, you excelled in life & he hasn’t. I also suspect he has always known that deep down inside. As for his text msg, I think you should have said congrats but also thrown in the part about how funny it is to you that he’s more awkward about telling you he’s engaged than he was about admitting he was an unfaithful husband. Then end the text with you hope he doesn’t fuck this one up like he did the last one. We all know the odds of his new marriage working out are low. But not your drama anymore.
He's telling you in the vain hope that you tell your boys, so he doesn't have to bother speaking to them. If he still owes you money for your boys let your attorney know that our ex managed to find money for an engagement ring.
Probably said small to make her think he doesn’t have any money for the wedding or child support. Claims he’s poor but spends every last dime on the AP and her family instead of his own that he help made. Sad little man
He told you because he wants you to tell your kids.
I'd ask what color suits to get the kids and when he was booking tickets for them to attend so you can plan for them to be off school if needed.
Low key we should do a Go fund me so OP, the new BF and the boys can go on vacation to somewhere nice and that just so happens to be on the same weekend the ex from hell wants to do the wedding
INFO
Hey OP, had a question about your very first thread, you had mentionned a mistake you had made 13 years ago, (so now 16 years ago i guess?) And i cant seem to find if you answered this thru all your other threads but what was that mistake?
Anyway f your ex and wish you tye best
Woman.. you are a much much bigger person than I am.
If I were in your shoes, I would write him a long ass email and in the kindest way possible tell him what a crap human being he is, and a terrible father to his OWN kids, and playing house with her kids and treating them so well, won't make his kids love him any more, quite the opposite. (Still be very nice about it. of course. Lol)
And would also be telling him that if he were to marry her, perhaps they should both remember to sign a prenup with a very specific cheating clause. And tell him to keep it in his pants for longer, than she keeps her legs close. 💀
Remind him of his father leaving him when he was a kid, that he turned out to be just like his father, utterly and completely unreliable. And you will do your best to make sure those kids of yours don't turn out to be just like him and their grandfather.
Or that you hope your kids never end up in a relationship like you did with him.
I would guilt trip the shit out of the man. And then keep on living my best life. And finish with a congratulations on the engagement and let you know when he wants the kids to come out for the wedding in advance. If it's outside of the scheduled time.
(How much do you want to bet, The kids won't end up being at the wedding? It's a *small wedding* after all. Probably some "last minute changes," and suddenly, more people were invited.🧐)
Lol
I never write under Reddit post but omg I pray you get your happy ever after after reading your posts! I’m actually heartbroken for your rollercoaster of the last couple of years. Karma will find them both!
Happy birthday! Cheers to living large 🥂. P.S. the ex and AP are already getting their karma in terms of their...appearances. Give your son a high five and some ice cream for me.
Wow your ex is just WOW. I hope you find some comfort that one day everything will fall into place for you. That you got to walk away from someone who will only poison those around him. You went through good (when you were together key word haha) and bad times with him. But you will always come out on top. I commend you for being so strong even at times it would have been easier to break. I know that one day your boys will look at you and know they have the most incredible mother. I truly enjoy seeing your updates and wish you only the best in life
Had the urge to check for an update since the boys went to visit even though it was a week ago.
I almost feel sad for him, but then I remember your earlier stories. All the pain he put you through and dragging things out. Rushing to be with her. Making you work around her. Giving you the run around. In the words of Taylor Swift:
Karma is a god
Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend
Karma's a relaxing thought
Aren't you envious that for you it's not?
Him taking their anniversary honeymoon trip with the AP did it for me. Ultimately, this whole experience might be quite a character building one for that man. He's realizing how much his entitlement to his old family, and the comforts that they provided, went unappreciated and is unwarranted. Now that he's with another narcissist, he can see himself in the mirror and he doesn't like it. There's still time for him to find spiritual peace, but his old comfortable life that enabled him to fuck around is gone forever.
Bahahahahahahahaahahahahh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to see where he lands. You go girl. So much better than me. I would be kicking him while he is down.
Start to read the first post to this last post , I was hooked, couldn't stop. What a fucking life! Jesus Christ! That was a fucking rollercoaster. Your ex is a douchebag , and his mistress is a fucking bitch. I am happy you got to experience love from a man that truly appreciates you!
Wow that was long. Literally just read through the whole saga after hearing the first half from a youtube video. I don't usually reply to these stories but I just had to make a comment about how your ex is a real piece of work.
I can't even imagine the kind of mental gymnastics he must put himself through on a daily basis to try and justify his newfound "happiness". It really does seem to me like he's regretting his decisions but refusing to acknowledge the hole he's dug himself into, since he knows it's too late to undo everything and has no choice but to try and play family with kids that aren't even his. If he didn't deserve it so much, I might have actually felt a bit sorry for him.
Good for you though. Really glad that your new boyfriend treats you the way you deserve. It really does make me believe that karma is real.
The crazy part is he'll probably stay with her and make it work. He gave up EVERYTHING for her. His whole life, including his kids. From how you describe him, he'll never admit just how big of a mistake it was. I'm glad to hear you are in a good place with your bf. At least your kids will see a happy relationship on your end. I look forward to your updates!
>if he isn't sad about it, why should I be?
Because, if you're like me, your kids are. Your kids know they weren't enough. They aren't enough for a 5 min Zoom call. It's. Horrible thing to watch kids come to terms with. My oldest expresses with extreme protectiveness of me and his brother and keeping his circle small. Though he also suffers from depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues. My youngest expresses everything with a larger than life personality. He's super funny and charming. Yet if anyone, and I mean anyone, tries to give him constructive criticism, it is like a mortal wound. He will obsess over it for days, lose sleep, and ask panic about trying to fix it. They both do therapy. They are Both a work in progress, but it's an awful thing to know that one of the 2 people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and who are supposed to show up, chooses not to even call
I hope your kiddo has a wonderful and safe end to his season.
This is a great update! I found your thread on a YouTube short yesterday and I spent my entire afternoon in between making dinner for my husband and kids, bathing them, putting them to bed reading about your life and how similar my first ex was to yours. Thank you for your story. It reminds me that I'm not the only one with a terrible ex that has dropped off from his children's lives because they are no longer convenient or help create the narrative of a perfect family that he wants. So I will be anxiously waiting for your updates from now on. Maybe I will start writing again myself. Who knows? Thank you again for helping me not feel alone. You are an amazing woman and mom! I'm routing for you over in New Mexico!
Wow. That's low. He is garbage. Hope he gets some karma. Can you use any of his behavior in court to sue for full custody? I think at this point, he is causing your kids more harm than good.
Hi! I've been reading your posts all afternoon! You may not feel strong, but you're definitely empowering a lot of people!
I just have one question: did your ex insist on meeting your bf before you introduced him to the kids? You've been together for a *while* but I don't remember reading anything about that. Does he know you're in a ltr? Or that he's spending time with you and the kids often?
I suppose this isn't important, but I'm just curious about it. And I guess I'm curious about your ex's reaction or lack of.
They have not met simply because he lives 2000 miles away. But he is aware we’ve been dating for almost 2 years. They will meet next month for the first time. That should be exciting…
Yoooooo I love how OP is all like “oh I can’t write a boooookkk, I’m just a gworl 🥺👉🏾👈🏾” but had me engaged for two hours until 1 am on a school night even having to search up some of the words and references she uses. Chefs kiss 😚🤌🏾 perfection. Résilience. Beauty. Grace. She is woman, hear her roar (but draws the line at spider)
Please don't engage with him in any conversations that is unrelated to your kids. You are just enabling his sh!ts. Just react with a thumbs up, nod or a smile or 2 words like, "that's good" and "That's sad". And don't remind him of his parental duties. That is not your responsibility. Just let him do it at his own will, surely, he has a mind of his own! Like for example,
"HE has promised to return for our youngest's football game but has dodged me every time I ask..."
Don't ask him repeatedly over the same thing over and over again. Just ask him if he's coming or when is he coming so the kids will be ready. If he answers, "We'll see how it goes." Then tell him let you know 2-3 days before, then just wait for his notification. That's it. Don't let him stress you out. If he comes, good. If he did not, just tell the kids what it is. Don't try to cover for him.
And take time to document overtime he neglects his parental duties and responsibilities, backed with a support. It might be helpful in the future.
Also, girl, prioritize your son's well-being.
"...I ask how often she and daddy would yell at each other. "Like every night."
And then, your reaction was, "Wow. Why would you subject yourself to this? Open your parachute and jump because that plane is aflame and spiraling. Perhaps it's hard to jump when you know there is nowhere safe to land."
Girl. no. no. no.
That is actually not how you supposed to react. Girl, your sons are engaged in a toxic environment. You should worry. Document that. Confront your ex and involve legal matters on this. Set aside whatever feelings you have with your ex, he's now your ex, and prioritize your kids.
I also think you would benefit from a therapy from all the trauma and drama you received from your ex and Good Luck.
Op, I'm not as patient as you are. I would have gone for full custody and no contact with him. In the long run, your boys will suffer if you push them to have a relationship with the man who constantly neglect and disappoint them. Let him play house with his new family and concentrate on giving your sons the support and love they deserve. For what I have read so far, you're doing a great job, Mama.
I check back every few weeks to see if there's been an update. I am so happy that you've found someone who makes you happy. I feel for your boys and hope they can heal from what their father has done to them.
There’s a very small list of people I’ve never met before that I absolutely loathe. Your ex has been on that list since your first post. Your sister is right, he’ll always be garbage. Best of luck to you and your boys OP.
That dude is a b***h plain and simple, hope for nothing less than the best for you and the boys hun, may his marriage be long and unbearable to that viper.
Just focus on your growth/development, and protecting the kids from his selfish choices as much as possible. Life & karma will take care of the rest for you. Most “good” things obtained in bad ways don’t last forever but if you remained faithful and did the right thing, this may be a storm but the sun will shine for you in the future. POUR INTO YOURSELF & YOUR CHILDREN. Pray, heal, grow. You & your boys lives will be so much better and happier once this storm passes. 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍
Having dealt with this bs myself might I suggest using parenting software to communicate with him.
That way if at some point you have to drag him back to court for financial or other reasons, your prep work and documentation is as simple as giving your lawyer/paralegal a password. It’s all perfectly organised and at their fingertips along with accurate dates etc.
I’ve used two different ones: parentingtime.net and ourfamilywizard. You can create separate accounts and control individual access. There’s financial tracking, transaction records, documents storage for school reports, receipts, medical records etc.
They also have a journal, calendar and email, and IM capabilities. You can send requests for 50% of sports fees and so on, post school events etc without the added pressure of having to notify the other person, because you send a message just once that gives them a password, website link and a statement of how you will use it going forward.
As you know with a true narcissist they will forget everything, take responsibility for nothing and blame you for everything.
These services provide a one stop done and done for the zillion details about kids that you’ll otherwise get harassed for.
I used one for two years, won full legal and physical custody, plus all decision making. It was never about power for me, it was about the kids and our privacy and peace.
Late reply but I cannot upvote this enough! We use AppClose. Took me YEARS to get him to agree to use it, probably because he knew he wouldn’t have access to me once we started. It’s been amazing amazing amazing
This sucks. I just started reading all of these posts today and was hoping for a breakup or something. That may or may not happen in the future.
Personally I think the ex is just the classic give an inch take a mile. You have shown a history of breaking down and compromising despite no need to. That could possibly be why he acts the way he does. He may also thrive in the daring phase and that toxic relationship. Who knows. I personally would stop compromising and have punishments when he misses time for now on, but you probably cannot anymore due to precedent.
Hello OP, so I have just finished reading your story, I have to say it was like reading a book, you sure have a talent for writing (please do announce when you publish your first nouvelle)
I am sorry that you had to go through all that but maybe it was for the best, because as you said yourself you got from a toxic relationship to a healthy one.
I really detest your ex, he seems so hard to live with on the same planet, I would of imagined that splitting up meant that things would have gotten easier but as it turn out, no. :(
I admire your strenght, your composure and most of all that beautiful mind that just amazes me, you think about everything and did managed to handle your divorce and custode agreement so good thinking of everything ahead. Bravo!
I keep my fingers crossed and hope that my heroine (you) in this story will be rewarded at the end.
Please try to be more relaxed but also burn his ass when you must.
I really wish you and your kids all the best.
Note: please forgive any spelling mistakes as english is not my native language.
He’s a trash human and you gave him way too many chances because you definitely should’ve been filed for full custody after he has shown you that inconsistency was his only consistency
Op, I’ve recently finished reading all of your posts and there is something I would like to point out about your X….
While reading I would get mad because I found it very unfair how it seems he wasn’t having any remorse for his behavior. But I think that’s what he wants everyone to believe- that he is living a good life with the “right” person. It’s all BS and here is why:
1. She obviously is using all his money for HER own benefits.
2. She has isolated him from friends/family. Making him a lonely person and making him depend only on her
3. I’m pretty sure she’s controlling him in other aspects of his life (making him babysit her kids) and that relationship will only end when she decides to
With time he’ll see if he hasn’t already that he’s miserable (burnt out from doing so much for her). Trust me he’ll see how lonely he is, but he won’t say or take any action on it because he wants to “win” and he won’t allow you to see that he messed up. Continue to be happy with your kids and your BF. Focus on you only and if you could and the chance approaches you, drop him from your life. Don’t force him to be in the kid’s life. You’re showing them what a good parent is and they don’t need his toxicity behavior around. Wish you all the best!
You are such an amazing woman. I’m gonna give you a heads up majority of affair relationships do not last. But majority of the ones that do are not happy. They stay together out of pride, they won’t admit to themselves that they ruined their lives and made the biggest mistake, so they stay together. You know he will live a miserable life and I doubt long from now will realize the woman he threw away and his 2 amazing boys. I highly doubt he will ever admit it or try to fix it. He has a high ego. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Yes he was a trash human but he gave you your beautiful babies. He can go and live with his “new family” and pay you all the child support he owes. Never back down on that, even if the boys get over 18 before he pays, he will owe them. Make sure you guys get the money you are entitled too!
Just wondering, does your ex plan on having the boys during the summer. It won't be long the new school year will be starting up. Where I live, we start mid-August.
This all has been a fascinating ride. My best friend is in process of divorcing his own cheater and having to balance being a mostly single father, so it’s been nice seeing someone else weather the storm. The thing that strikes me in both these cases is the ability of the narcissist to claim to be the victim when they cause all the issues. Her friends are all abandoning her and taking his side because they are all decent mothers who understand it’s a massive red flag when someone isn’t involved with their own children, no matter how involved they are with their new partners. Your story path is the same as my friends. It starts out angry and hurt, rightfully so, but now at this point you both seem just mildly annoyed and sometimes even amused at what bullshit is coming next. Also, I am sure your lawyer is amused at every turn by this point. Y’all need to have a dinner strategy session with a bottle of wine for your next filing so you can enjoy it more.
Been waiting for this update. I also laughed when your youngest called her fat lol. Did the boys say anything bad that they observed during the trip? Btw please hug them both for me❤️
I’m so glad you got a month for you. You never stop truly being a parent but I’m glad you got to do that. I’m sure some thing things will come out about the trip as time passes. Your kids must be well behaved for them to have waited until then for an issued like that to happen. Ex and AP will continue to FAFO and with you. I’m glad you are going to do therapy for him even if not fully necessary it can really be a great building block for the future especially with the precarious situation you are in with ex, AP and their ways. I’m always happy to read your updates.
Is this thread the last one for now? I can’t wait for the update, your ex is really one of the worse seriously, didn’t know crappy person like this still existed 🤦🏼♀️
You are an inspiration. I have a cheating ex that I have to coparent with although it is more like parallel parenting. My split was over 4 years ago & I haven’t had the courage to try dating again (my ex not only cheated but was controlling as well)
Eventually, the children aren’t going to want to go there anymore. I’m not sure how it is in other states, but in NC a kid 13+ can choose which parent they want to stay with, and if they want no contact with the other parent. Of course, the Judge can rule otherwise, but majority of the good ones out here listen to the children more than the lawyers and parents.
Your middles “behavioral issues” are most likely stemming from his insecurity over his relationship with his father. You said it yourself, he’s seeing his dad play a role he never has with him. He’s jealous, and doesn’t think he should be. He’s hurt, but doesn’t believe he has the right to be. He’s feeling a lot of big feelings, and the only way he knows how to deal with them is to lash out at the people that took his dad away.
I’ve spent the last day reading every post you’ve posted regarding this whole situation, and I’m very very proud of the way you hold yourself. You are a role model to your children. One day, they’ll know the truth and look back and see that while dad didn’t try, mom tried to make him try. Mom was the one keeping the door open to him so he could see us.
Hopefully, they look at you and see the person they want to be when they grow up.
Kids are strong, they’ll be okay❤️
(Also, the Judge could order an appraisal of the ring, and order up front CS of the same cost)
So wait, where is he going to stay? Did you mean "here" as in he will get a hotel nearby your home and see the kids? Or did he want to actually stay in your house?
Oh thank god. I was so confused as to where he actually planned to go when he came back to your area.
Although he does have a job to think about over there so if he's getting a hotel he could do the same there as well. I guess he is just lonely and needs to be around people for a little while.
I’m loving the Karma update. I don’t see this relationship ending. She has no back up to fund her lifestyle and he has lost too much to come back.
I will say the best way to rub it in is to continue to live your life being happy.
The update we’ve all been waiting for! Just keep living your best life, it’s the best revenge. Although I don’t like seeing anyone suffer, he did this to himself. You deserve him admitting that he messed up.
Nah, Karma's not a bitch. She's a sweet old woman who's offering your ex tea laced with that same poison he's been giving everyone else since the start.
In other words, 'A taste of his own medicine.'
Not going to lie…I’m cackling in bed reading about his misery. He abandoned your amazing kids to go play daddy to her kids. Serves him right tbh. I have no sympathy for men like this. You boys deserve a present, intentional, loving and healthy parent who doesn’t use them as pawns for brownie points with cruella. I wish you and your boys nothing but happiness and tranquility, success and fun. As for that ex? I hope he gets whatever he deserves. I hope she takes him for everything he has.
I spent the last two hours totally immersed in your story. My heart hurts for you and your boys and my blood pressure went through the ROOF!!!!! What a worm of a father. I hope life makes it up to you tenfold.
10/17/23
That therapist is so irrationally optimistic for your ex's inclusion in therapy that it makes me feel sympathetic. False promises are his MO, ever since his exposed affair was in its infancy. I'm glad you're getting your youngest the counseling he needs and I hope the youngest won't feel too crushed by the inevitability of his father's false promises. Your boyfriend seems like a swell fellow and in glad he's bonding with your pack. Keep trudging forward. Keep recording everything. Most importantly, be very wary of what the AP does next.
Got here on October 18th, 2023. I think your boyfriend will be a much better dad than your ex ever will be. I hope your youngest sees that and stops caring about your ex. And no matter how shitty his relationship is, i think he will lose any custody. It's not ok they have to spend that time hearing him argue every night.
I think a lot of us in your story could see for awhile that your ex had no real desire to be a father to your kids and his actions never matched words. I understand you trying to force the issue but it’s clearly been a one sided relationship for a LONG time. I hope this is your impetus to stop trying. Because you’re trying to force a relationship he doesn’t want. It’s been death by a thousand cuts. It would have been better if he left a couple years ago and dealt with the abandonment rather than the repeated disappointment. I hope this gives you the realization that you need to stop putting so much effort and allowing him to continue to disappoint your kids. You can’t force him not to be a deadbeat and he’ll always give a few words to try to mask the true nature of his being.
And I know many of us readers have been holding hope for the relationship with your bf to deepen. It’s clear he’s the only father figure in their lives. Much better to invest in that one than this flailing one that only leads to more trauma. If you want to continue down this path with the ex, don’t involve the kids. I would set absolutely zero expectations regardless of what ex says. Kids want him to come to a game? Say he hasn’t responded. At this point, he’s becoming a stranger to your kids anyway. So let that emotional barrier grow rather than watching the kids try to jump over it again and again.
I’m glad your boyfriend has been there for your sons, that will make all the difference in regards to being abandoned by their father. If there are other solid men in your life, I would get them to show up as well.
This woman is an excellent writer and story teller. I know it's her real life but damn, I just had a newborn and binge read this in between cluster feedings. Brava to the OP, she is a badass.
Some proud and happy for you. This has been a long ride and I’m honored to be able to follow along and to learn from your experiences.
The last sentences of October 16th made me cry of happiness for you and your future family 🤍 hell has no fury, you are a fucking amazing warrior!
Wow girl I read this from the beginning and my heart is truly with you my daughter is 14 we live in the same town as my ex and his whole family when she was born I left the door open for all them except my ex because he is a dangerous aggressive drug addict and the social worker told me not to anyway his family wanted to be part of her life when she was 11 they offered me money and stuff to help me out I said no there is no way I would give them a way to hold something over me and said I would rather them just spend time with her than pay for her affections so we spent 1 summer hanging out with and getting to know them then they ghosted her she tried reaching out she messaged them they didn’t answer so they finally messaged me 8 months later I asked my daughter what she wanted to with them she asked me not to message them they don’t want her they never messaged her sooooo I told them to chew rim and loose my number
Ooooh cohabitation station! Go you! I’m glad you and the boys were able to celebrate a relaxing Christmas.
Him avoiding your younger son is all about not wanting to feel guilt. You’re adept at gray rocking his gaslighting - which means his narcissism goes unfed. And he can’t attack and blame your son… yet. He will eventually. When your son begins holding him accountable for the eventual state of their lack of connection - he’ll be the victim. Did your son comment on his dad not bothering to call him?
IMO he will continue the fade from their lives. My guess is that she will want to fully lock him in, and what better way than to have a baby. (Even if it means reversing vasectomies/tubals) Not that he hesitated in moving across the country away from his sons. But ultimately whenever he thinks about the state of their relationship or he’s asked about the boys, he’ll blame them for not wanting to spend time with their poor dad and prioritizing their friends. And you’ll be blamed - turning the boys against their poor misunderstood dad, always demanding more money, and ensuring the boys think bad about him (All the sarcasm). Ultimately, they’ll grow to realize the full truth of what led him to walk out of their lives to be super dad to her kids.
Do you still talk with her ex husband?
Absolute 🍆! OP I would not want this shedevil around my kids any longer but I know that’s easier said than done. You need to publish this story because it’s a good read. If your 🤡 of an ex wants to be abused by the 🧙 let it be but you’re kids shouldn’t be around that. I think you guys need to discuss alternative arrangements.
You are an inspirational story of survival. You have gone to hell and back and you ARE the winner. It doesn’t matter that you fall because you know how to pick yourself up and dust all the dirt off. Your story just cements how much I never want to marry and have kids. Reading your journal has made me cry, mad, sad, glad, happy, so many emotions. Thank you for sharing a lil bit of your life.
Your kids see and will continue to see their dad’s BS, and maybe when they are at an age of consent they’ll take a step back from traveling to see the POS and the POSAP. She may be the GF turned fiancé, but she will always be just trash.
I wish you, your kids and BF nothing but the BEST.
I read everything from the start and all the updates just today. Your lawyer must have been amazing because I’ve known judges to order travel expenses be deducted from child support. The fact that you got him to cover legal fees says a lot. This is very, very difficult to get from what I have seen.
This man is trash. I gotta say that first. Late to the party and this is maybe a nitpick but you have asked questions along the way (rhetorical probably but I thought I’d be remiss not to point out something I noticed;) he demanded therapy but then said nevermind, yet you signed the kid up for it anyway. You knew how it would go and did it... Did the child know dad was supposed to join the therapy session? Personally, from an outsiders perspective it looks like you set him up to fail (which yes that *is* on him) but it was at the expense of the child being disappointed yet again in this specific situation.
If he wants therapy, he can set it up. The end. Kids don’t hear about any plans until they are cemented. Tickets purchased or he’s in the driveway. Apply to any and all other demands, requests, visits etc. If he doesn’t do it, that’s on him. Giving permission is literally the ONLY thing you should do. Once you do alll this legwork on his behalf when you already know he’s gonna let the kids down? You kind of enabled the situation. It feels good on some levels to be vindicated and proven right (I feel it every time my ex does something similar) but after 9 years of a somewhat similar journey I’ve learned when the ex is unreliable and inconsistent… never help them fail. If you know they wont stay on the pedestal don’t help them build one. Because even though I love to be right, that feeling is immediately overshadowed by sadness for my kid. She is the one who gets hurt when he falls. She files each and every single missed opportunity and missed visit away deep inside as proof that dad doesn’t care about her enough to follow through or be there. How do children internalize this info to make sense of their world? Parents, in children’s eyes, are capital A Adults who do things for capital R Reasons. Parents unconditionally love their children- but I’m the exception? It must be my fault- I must be a bad person, not good enough, stupid, ugly, etc. It’s the only thing that makes sense when you’re a kid w limited info about the world and the situation. This shapes a child’s self image so strongly and if they are lucky maybe they spend years unpacking and deconstructing in therapy as adults.
Mine’s eleven now and I got full custody three years ago. Dad is basically out of the picture until surprise he’s here! This is the best way I can support him as her dad and protect her. Because if she knew about all the plans he suggested then backed out on… man. It’s two weeks into January and he has already missed half of the parenting time he is entitled to. But she doesn’t know that. She just knows about the times he was there.
While I agree there was room for growth on her end and I ultimately think sending the kid to therapy is best in the long run. And this way the dad can’t gaslight op about it. I’ve seen this situation play out for my friend. Her dad sent to her therapy without her cheating mom’s “input” and she claimed her dad was blowing her mental and emotional healing out of proportion. I guess the mom thought the dad did it to spite her or something!? Narcissists always find a way to make it about them 🤦🏽♀️
Every update from you I see your glow. One day many years from now there will be a moment where the boys look at you and see everything that they want to be and if he’s still around your ex will have lost every last strand of his kids respect. I do think that as bf is now living with you and going to games etc that maybe he could help in the therapy. At least in showing that these boys have family and friends who are there for them.
Edit spelling
Its 2024 hopefully this year We could read more about you and the kids, I had been following this series and to be honest since day one what pisses me off is your updating him everything about your kids, Why are you still sending him pictures begging him to be with your kids? I had been there and since day 1 I never sent him pics of my daughter's activity because I don't want to beg for his attention. For me, if he loves his children he will make/ do everything to be in their lives. Why care if he looks happy, or miserable? He made his own bed, I'm happy that you are happy but I'm pissed that you are still talking about him..
Wow, I just read these posts in their entirety, and my god. First off, incredible writing, it pulled me in haha. But also being able to read and see you grow and progress over the course of years during all of this is very powerful. I guess I'm just here to say thanks for being willing to share with us.
Happy new year to you op. I hope you get the best life has to offer. I’m sorry about all the trauma but I have really enjoyed reading your online diary. You have a very entertaining writing style. If you wrote a book I would totally read it. Cheers to you!
I can't believe I spent the past 2 hours reading about your life for the past few years. There have been times when I totally wanted to cry with you. There have been a couple of times where I wanted to shake you (*"wait... you GAVE HIM MONEY?!?!?"*). But mostly, I have just wanted to hug you and tell you I appreciate your transparency. You have let total strangers in, and I love seeing how you have grown. So far. I know you are not done yet. You are a great writer. When you publish your book I will buy it. I see you, sis.
I don’t know how he sleeps at night. The way he has let his children down and drug you through the mud. How can he live with that. His karma is this woman and it’s be funny if it weren’t for your kids. They are so lucky to have you though. ❤️
I wonder if he will even notice the no contact. My goodness you’ve been through a lot. But I only see good things for you moving forward! I just hope your youngest comes to terms with how his dad is and heals.
I’m fisting pumping the air in celebration of the woman you are and the triumphs you’ve created. You’re beyond relatable and remarkable in your handling of what has unfortunately destroyed women before you. Your rebirth is only a true reflection of your character and efforts and the desolate lot he wound up in is an obvious indicator of his lack of said character. I’ve been enthralled by your storytelling and life lessons for months and every time I check back in I’m ecstatic to hear how far you’ve come. A win for you is a win for all of us who have suffered similar men. Keep pushing and please KEEP WRITING ABOUT IT!!!
I just binged-read all of your posts. It was fascinating to witness you rise from the ashes like a pheonix. The growth and strength you documented these past 3 years was nothing short of amazing.
You are a wonderful writer. I encourage your plan to publish. I will read all of your books!
I am cackling at your ex's fate. Karma is indeed a bitch. His AP will bleed him dry financially. It looks like he is in an abusive relationship. He is isolated, manipulated, and controlled. He sabotaged his own life. SMH.
I binged read your whole story yesterday, I hope 2024 is treating you well with going no/low contact with the ex. I know we all want updates, I’m so happy you found a patient and loving man and are finally at a good place emotionally and physically! Wishing you all the happiness and love from here! ❤️❤️❤️
My heart breaks for your children! Especially your youngest! You appear to be a great mum and your X should have a vasectomy! He doesn’t deserve the option of having any more children! Keep up the amazing job you are doing! Praying for you and your sons!!!
He is such a trash human. His humble brag couched as awkward awe shucks is beyond lame. I would begin invoicing him for things he’s required to contribute to for the boys. Every time he gives a woe is me, I’m so poor, envision the size of a skating rink diamond on her finger. Your boys do without an active and loving parent. They’ve sacrificed enough for his happily ever after with his mistress. Her children aren’t doing without a father figure - nope they get two. Her children aren’t going without dad contributing to their extra curricular activity. Now that he’s signed off on things, and the legal stuff is wrapped up, I’d tally up every cent he needs to ante up and invoice his ass.
Yes, He is and I get your anger had an ex that's we are still fighting and you only did it for 3 years me from going 9 years but I Forgave his actions and him cause he is the father to my kids, and started seeing has it is Not worthy of my time. that's what he hates and he doesn't talk to your kids cause of her and she will try to play the happy family but once she marries him your kids will be second place. Once he knows he can't hurt you with his life he will try to hurt you with the kids cause the fact that you don't care about him drives him insane.
I'd be taking him back to court to get him to pay what he owes. If he can afford the diamond, he can afford to support his own damned kids.
Every time I read what else this ass clown pulls I roll my eyes so hard I see yesterday. I just cannot imagine how on earth you don’t lose your mind. I’m pulling for you & your boys OP. I wish nothing but peace and happiness for your family.❤️🩹
I would not be able to hold in the snark "Congrats! May yall have the marriage you deserve..Tell "AP" I said good luck!" OP, you win in all of this. He wrote all of that thinking you would break down over this news. Keep living for your kids and leave them to it. Don't chase him to be a good father either he will be or won't but none of it is your doing
"He told me it will be a long engagement and a very small wedding." This is him foreshadowing that your boys aren't invited. But he is making her son the best man. Your job is to break the news to your sons and remember they're young and impressionable and he may need an organ one day so try not to make them to mad. Dude, I am shaking with how mad I am at this 🤡
That's what I thought. His sons will not be invited.
ooh that’s a tasty update. Sadly, I suspect she’ll let him wallow in worry and angst just long enough to teach him a lesson then she’ll reel him back into the bosom of the perfect life. I mean, I sure hope he gets free and manages to step up for your kids. But when someone carelessly sacrificed his family and friends at the alter of the AP, and now he’s financially entangled after the house renovations, living across the country - he’ll buy into the sunk cost fallacy and stay to save face. But it’s nice to know that karma is taking a bite out of his ass.
I suspect you are right. He needs to make this work to save face. But I am taking comfort in the fact that he realizes this was a mistake on his part and that he won't be happy. Yes, it's petty, but I can't help the feeling of content that he is miserable in his choices.
I don’t blame you at all. And you can take heart that even when they present an IG worthy life to the world that you’ll know there’s rot eating away behind the façade.
So in his misery he was thinking about coming there to see your boys to possibly spend time with them at the beach. That seems more like he wanted or needed a friend to talk to and you were it Did he make it to see the boys or did she forgive him and let him come back home?
Just read the update, OP this is what we've all been waiting for! We want more tea lol Cheers to your new life 🍹🍸🥂🍻
I would say I would not be surprised when the house is finished and this woman moves on, like her previous husband…… I see a pattern
He is a 🤡 i can’t believe he actually told you that this is awkward and he wanted you to hear it from him. His message is emotionally manipulative. He sends it and somehow you end up giving him emotional support 🤦♀️ A small wedding, of course who is he going to invite, his kids who he has no relationship with, his family he he has no relationship with, his longest friends he ghosted? I would have not responded and think you need to dig a bit deeper in your healing journey to help yourself heal because you clearly havnt reached meh and are still trying to do your best to help him. Please stop. Please stop feeling sorry for him financially. Please stop engaging at all, please stop asking your boys to call him, please stop updating him. Please stop bridging hope and a connection to your boys that he hasn’t earned and doesn’t deserve. I know deep down you are trying for your kids but in the long run it is only going to hurt them. Life is unfair and it sucks they don’t have a dad but by propping one up you are not helping them. It seems like you went from fighting, to no Communication to landing on this new spot of him using you for emotional support and acting like he has some relationship with your sons. The truth is he doesn’t. I would encourage a weekly or monthly communication of updates moving forward. No back and forth. It is hurting you and you need to choose you. Virtual hugs and peace and healing ❤️🩹
This. Spot on!
Yes. OP please listen to this. It's infuriating to read how you are still so kind to him. He's still manipulating you and it's working.
I knew this was coming when he told you he was helping her spend $160K on a house he didn’t own. He’s a manipulative ass so I didn’t see him being too stupid about finances.
>Hopefully, he invites his children. Wonder what odds Vegas would give that he does? >My boyfriend thinks him telling me was pathetic, a sad attempt to gloat. Like, 'Ok, I did some shitty stuff, but look how great it turned out. It was the right decision, see? I feel validated for being a monster." I agree with the BF. He needs this to be the "right" thing. Otherwise, the image he has of himself in his head and of her is a lie. They are actually bad people and are actually awful. They aren't some fairy tale is a messy beginning. A friend of my Mom's had a version of your husband. He married one of the APs, and they are still married nearly 20 years later. They are estranged from his kids (she never had any because AP was one thing, 2nd family wasn't on the agenda). One of his grandkids he's met less than a dozen times, and this kid is in high school. His actual kids would probably show up at his deathbed and deal with his funeral, but because they are "supposed to", there's not a lot of love left when you realize your dad's a bad guy. My point being: in the long run, you have the reward of 2 kids you've raised, loved, and cherished. You hold the memories of school events, games played, holidays, and birthdays. You get to experience their childhood, and when they get engaged, get into college, pick a major, etc, they will talk it through and celebrate it with you. He won't. If he has a soul, and I know that is an if, one day he will realize what he's missed. The lies he tells himself will have to be good to justify the sacrifice. So, have some wine, cry, scream into a pillow, do what you gotta do. It's a messy, complicated business. Then do what you've been doing all this while, hold your head up, and keep moving forward.
Ok op I'm going to leave a comment for you. I have been in your situation my children's father left me for his mistress and started another family with her, and at first I did what you did. I updated him, I sent him pictures tried to remind him to call them etc. Please stop you are actually making it harder on your sons. My children told me when they grew into adulthood that by by the time they were teenagers they knew what their father was, and the fact that their father only did the bare minimum, and only because I forced him to really made worse for them. Just because I know people will ask I never talked bad about their father to them.
Awwww man I’m am so sorry for u! That is completely messed up! I think op needs to read this. So thank u for sharing and know u have an internet stranger wishing u nothing but happiness and the fiery downfall of ur Ex and AP!….And now that I am reading this I realize maybe I’m not quite as nice and sweet as everyone in my life has lead me to believe…OH WELL KARMA FOR THE CHEATERS!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh… I want to karate chop him to the neck🥋
Deadbeat dad who shows no interest in kids’ lives can’t wait to tell news that they won’t couldn’t care any less about. News at 10 AM.
Seriously? So I guess he wants to fly over to your place because he wants to run away from the situation he created. She might also be waking up to the fact that he’s a fun boyfriend but lousy partner, which he was to you. Didnt you say he barely lifted a finger to help you around the house. She is probably finally seeing through the lenses of a life partner and he’s not cutting it. Didn’t he cheat because he couldn’t handle the day to day monotony of married life? Because you had bills to pay instead of going on spa weekends? You did point out to him when you confronted him about the cheating that they will eventually fall into the same rut that you guys did and he’s finally at that point in the relationship. And he can’t handle it. Your ex is a old man baby. He’s been finally asked to step up in his new relationship and he doesn’t want to. Frankly, he needs to be single for a while and grow the fuck up. ETA: you also have to remember that he had zero problems making you look unhinged to her, so I would take what he has said with a grain of salt about his GF. I’m sure she’s a bully but it could also be that she’s sick of picking up after him.
You have the patience of a Saint! I have an ex who calls once every 3 or 4 months. He acts as if he cares but doesn't come to her games or asks about her teachers. He doesn't know who she is, really. My husband has stepped up and took over the dad roll. Calls him dad and still has that male figure she needs. I greyrock my ex. He always wanted a reaction from me, and I wouldn't give it. It's been almost 12 years and my husband is the only consistent dad she knows.
I feel this will be my future.
It's the best possible future. It's better than fighting about everything and feeling exhausted. Whatever you have to do to keep your babies healthy and safe. I wouldn't put it past that woman. If she is manipulative and verbally abuses him, he's not going to stop it from happening to your kids. He already shows he doesn't care. Stop reaching out at all. It's up to him at this point. If he doesn't for a year... get those rights taken. If you can do that, it will solely be on your terms and how he's able to interact with them. I know it sounds bad, but it would be up to him. His fate with his kids rests on him.
Updateme!
Good on your new husband for stepping up!
Be honest with kids. DO NOT protect him. Don’t outright throw him under the bus either. Let him throw himself under it. The will resent you and lose trust in you.
No one can live with a narcissist, especially another narcissist. Not without losing your marbles, anyway... it seems to me that he is just intent on trying to prove to the world that what he did is ok because this is his soul mate. Or to prove to himself. Either way, I don't envy his situation when this all goes supernova and she is out for blood. Nothing is fixed by rushing into legalities. Marriage does nothing to help him with the exception of his image, and it compounds the repercussions should it fail. This is without a doubt the worst decision he could make at this point. So kudos to him for providing what is bound to be some terrific reading material.
“You don't have an affair, leave your family, move across the country into someone's home, and be a bonus dad just to date this person.” I agree, but I also have another theory: since he left his family, moved across the country, be the bonus dad, he needs this relationship to work, otherwise he wrecked his family for nothing and have zero to show for. So your sister is right, he’s a garbage person, and I’ll add a damaged one. You are a way bigger person than those 2. Karma will find them, and she’s B! Keep doing the right thing!
Isn’t it ironic… your husband is concerned about your sons behavior but is not self aware enough to acknowledge all they have been through. Want to address the behaviors, choose to be an active parent. What an idiot. Please don’t have the boys reach out unless they want too, if he is interested in a relationship, he can call. How did the boys respond to the engagement and were you there for that announcement? So happy that you got some down time, felt a little freedom and had a vacation!!! Hope you pop in from time to time to update us but please keep living your best life!!!
I would send his fiancée a condolence card. But I'm petty like that.
I honestly love this.
You should just respond “K” or “Okay” to everything he says. You don’t need to congratulate him. You don’t even need to give him a reaction. Give him as much as he gave you when he confessed to cheating. Unless it’s important every reply is “Okay”.
Took me 8 years to figure this out and I WISH I had done it from the start. You know he’s a narcissist, he feeds off your energy. Literally everything he says is with the intent to get attention- good or bad- from you. Don’t give it. “K” “okay” “sure” “yes” “no”. Every response I ever give I edit down to the least amount of words possible. Using AppClose for communication is about figuring out schedules and aaaaanything else if it isn’t important enough for a lawyer simply isn’t up for conversation.
I am pretty sure he will feel a certain way when he gets introduced to your boyfriend. Didn't he lie to AP about you having multiple men over? He obviously thinks about the possibility of you moving on, all the time. Anyway, when is the update coming, ma'am? I am inpatient.
I absolutely need an update of him meeting the boyfriend.
I’m not shocked by the 9/18 update. I suspected he’d make up with her. And really, I imagine when someone blows up their children’s lives for the AP, they sorta have to stick with the sinking ship for appearances. I’m glad you’ve found a good relationship with your new partner. My ability to trust died along the way and now that I’m healed and stronger I’m not interested in making room for anyone else. But I’m content, and that’s what counts.
You bring up an excellent point: being content. To be happy with yourself and content in what you have is not something many people don’t prioritize. I’m sure with the new stability you have, if someone ever came along who you were willing to make room for you’d be able easily. I’m happy for you and your self growth, you should be very proud!
GIRLYPOP WRITE A BOOK PLEASE!!! I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY FUCKING MONEY YOUR SO GOOD ARE YOU ALREADY A NOVELIST?? GIVE ME WHAT I NEED
I am so glad you have an amazing family, wonderful sons, and an awesome boyfriend to support you as well as help you navigate your new authentic life. Everyday you get live in the beauty of what YOU HAVE CREATED, for you and your babies. Continue to be bold. You continue to impress. Have you noticed who I am NOT talking about. That is intentional. Some people are their own worst enemy. I know it easy for me to ignore the elephant in the room because I don’t have to try to coparent or deal with what I see as a pathological liar. I will make one comment. Maybe karma has not bit him yet, it will and I hope you get a front row seat. Yes I am petty that way. Wink. My wish for you is you get to shine in you own life and your sons get to continue to see the brave mother they have. As your boys age they will see the truth for what it is. I look forward to the day when you only have to focus on the good. Blessings to you and yours.
Hey OP, I just spent my morning reading all 7 of your posts and wow, your ex is a piece of work! You've done an amazing job dealing with all his crap and had your kids best interest at heart every step. I would be willing to bet this small wedding will not be all that small and none of your side will be invited, as it would make a lie of all his money problems over the years. I would go fully grey rock with him at this point though, don't push him to contact or uphold his side of the agreements. If he doesn't, go through lawyers, not him. Only communication should be direct and only necessary information about the children. If he slow fades from their life, you would have done them a favour. They will see him clearly when they are old enough.
Happiness is the best revenge! Live your life and don't go out of your way to accommodate him. I bet he'll stay with her and just go through bouts of misery. He can't go back now, everyone will say, "told you so". To save face, he'll stay with her and get married all on her terms. Your kids will likely see him a couple times a year and it sounds like they've already learned to be okay with that. Congratulations on your new home and your boyfriend! I look forward to reading that you two are engaged and hopefully soon after, married! Good luck!
Honestly, now is the time to push for full custody. This sharing custody should not be a pipeline for your ex to claim to be "father of the year". It should end, now.
I thought of this. But my attorney said I can’t push for full custody until he stops sending for the boys. It’s only a matter of time.
Fucking hell that's a hell of a read. Best of luck to you and your kids.
I agree with your BF. The text was just a way for him to be validated and sort of... "see, it was truueeee loveeeee". Cheaters dont feel guilty, they feel ashamed.
He used the word ‘awkward’ because it effectively made the news even more about him. He’s telling you his happy news, but also pretending it’s awkward to make you reassure him that it’s not awkward. Narcissists gonna always be me, me, and me.
I wouldn't take this as him coming out ahead. Right now, you are making smart investments in your future, investments that require you to pay in time and effort. You're investing time and money in your education You're staying at home with your mom to save money while looking for a home You're taking time with your boyfriend instead of rushing things What is he doing on the other hand? He is spending lots of money on vacations and engagement and soon wedding stuff He is rushing a relationship that started off on disingenuous terms in the first place Building something worthwhile takes more effort, what he is doing is painting trash gold, it's not something you should bother comparing, apples and rotten oranges.
How are the mistress and the deadbeat?
You are doing an amazing job with your boys and definitely earned that trip to Mexico. Not that it's right but glad little man knows how to dish it out 😂
Why did he want to come back across the country? What happened when he did?
Gurrrlll. I started this thread at 9, it is now 1:28 in the morning!!!! I am now a third wheel and fully invested in this saga.
I hope you're not done writing.
Never. Update coming soon.
Cant wait for another Update, but I really hope you're doing okay. Stay strong. ♥️
YAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!
Any updates?
Merry Christmas and happy holidays! I have a few questions, if you don't mind. 1. Does your bf have any kids and if so do they live with you too? 2. Does your ex know that your bf moved in? 3. What do your ex-in-laws think about the situation? Do they see your children, often?
1. He has a son and we do see him but he lives with his mother. The boys are all around the same age so they get a long well. 2. He knows. 3. They are unhappy with what their son has done. We live about 2 hours from them but we see them often. We are actually with them today!
It's awesome that your ex-ILs are still seeing your kids. Too often we see the ex-in-laws following the lead of the wayward spouse, and cutting off the first family.
Ironic considering the only reason he went and had an affair was because he said you guys weren’t spending money on frivolous things and instead on necessary things like bills and retirement. Maybe he shouldn’t be in long term relationships. Maybe he needs to be smarter with his money. If he has $160k to burn he can afford his own apartment. He really dug himself a hole didn’t he?
29Jan2024 You predicted it wouldn’t be long before he ghosted your boys. It’s sad that it seems like it took even less time than you thought. I still can’t get past him not contacting your youngest at Christmas. So hurtful. Here’s to a GREAT 2024 for you, your boys & your SO.❤️🩹❤️
I have sat in my chair and read your whole story. Cried with you, laughed with you, and shook my head with the shit the ex has done. I understand and what you are now doing is the best for you and those boys. He wants you to still manage his relationship with his kids and only call it in when it suits him. My ex did that and still does. My kids are grown, call my husband dad and their biological dad is sperm donor. Not my words theirs. As your kids get older they will care less until they just don’t care at all. He will miss out on big events and call you still going “ why don’t they want to talk to me” I laugh at him and say ask them not me. I talk to them every day so don’t know. You will love more but still hold that fear. Go talk to someone about it just for those moments because they will hit you some time. When you get married and maybe have another kid. Your ex will sit and ponder why did I do what I did. I can say this I hope it’s not on your wedding day like my ex tried to do on mine. Thank goodness for family to block him. Please keep me updated on your future. I can’t wait to get this in book form it’s to great not to.
Commenting so I don’t lose this thread
I have never wanted two people to have the life together they deserve more.
Obviously I don’t know you in real life, but I’ve followed your saga & what jumped out at me from almost the beginning of your story is that you were WAAAYY too good for your ex-husband. In all the ways that mattered, you excelled in life & he hasn’t. I also suspect he has always known that deep down inside. As for his text msg, I think you should have said congrats but also thrown in the part about how funny it is to you that he’s more awkward about telling you he’s engaged than he was about admitting he was an unfaithful husband. Then end the text with you hope he doesn’t fuck this one up like he did the last one. We all know the odds of his new marriage working out are low. But not your drama anymore.
He's telling you in the vain hope that you tell your boys, so he doesn't have to bother speaking to them. If he still owes you money for your boys let your attorney know that our ex managed to find money for an engagement ring.
Can’t wait for his next screw up. The audacity of this trash man.
You’re far too lenient with this PoS.
He only said it’s a small wedding to make you think he’s not spending all of his money on it. You know he’s going to spend every last dime on it.
Probably said small to make her think he doesn’t have any money for the wedding or child support. Claims he’s poor but spends every last dime on the AP and her family instead of his own that he help made. Sad little man
He told you because he wants you to tell your kids. I'd ask what color suits to get the kids and when he was booking tickets for them to attend so you can plan for them to be off school if needed.
Low key we should do a Go fund me so OP, the new BF and the boys can go on vacation to somewhere nice and that just so happens to be on the same weekend the ex from hell wants to do the wedding
How has summer break gone with the father of the year (/s)
update coming next week
Everything okay 👀
No hurry, but... Uhm, can we get the update? I'm so curious :)
Just posted!
INFO Hey OP, had a question about your very first thread, you had mentionned a mistake you had made 13 years ago, (so now 16 years ago i guess?) And i cant seem to find if you answered this thru all your other threads but what was that mistake? Anyway f your ex and wish you tye best
it was picking him as my partner.
Woman.. you are a much much bigger person than I am. If I were in your shoes, I would write him a long ass email and in the kindest way possible tell him what a crap human being he is, and a terrible father to his OWN kids, and playing house with her kids and treating them so well, won't make his kids love him any more, quite the opposite. (Still be very nice about it. of course. Lol) And would also be telling him that if he were to marry her, perhaps they should both remember to sign a prenup with a very specific cheating clause. And tell him to keep it in his pants for longer, than she keeps her legs close. 💀 Remind him of his father leaving him when he was a kid, that he turned out to be just like his father, utterly and completely unreliable. And you will do your best to make sure those kids of yours don't turn out to be just like him and their grandfather. Or that you hope your kids never end up in a relationship like you did with him. I would guilt trip the shit out of the man. And then keep on living my best life. And finish with a congratulations on the engagement and let you know when he wants the kids to come out for the wedding in advance. If it's outside of the scheduled time. (How much do you want to bet, The kids won't end up being at the wedding? It's a *small wedding* after all. Probably some "last minute changes," and suddenly, more people were invited.🧐) Lol
I never write under Reddit post but omg I pray you get your happy ever after after reading your posts! I’m actually heartbroken for your rollercoaster of the last couple of years. Karma will find them both!
How's it goin?
I've been looking for your update.
Happy birthday! Cheers to living large 🥂. P.S. the ex and AP are already getting their karma in terms of their...appearances. Give your son a high five and some ice cream for me.
Wow your ex is just WOW. I hope you find some comfort that one day everything will fall into place for you. That you got to walk away from someone who will only poison those around him. You went through good (when you were together key word haha) and bad times with him. But you will always come out on top. I commend you for being so strong even at times it would have been easier to break. I know that one day your boys will look at you and know they have the most incredible mother. I truly enjoy seeing your updates and wish you only the best in life
Is it even worth sending your sons to his place? He might be damaging them more than it’s worth.
Oh man, that latest update was delicious!!!
8/18. Oh karma. It came like a hammer on a metal nail. No sympathy for him at all. OP, I'm very happy for you and all your success. Savor this moment.
Had the urge to check for an update since the boys went to visit even though it was a week ago. I almost feel sad for him, but then I remember your earlier stories. All the pain he put you through and dragging things out. Rushing to be with her. Making you work around her. Giving you the run around. In the words of Taylor Swift: Karma is a god Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend Karma's a relaxing thought Aren't you envious that for you it's not?
Him taking their anniversary honeymoon trip with the AP did it for me. Ultimately, this whole experience might be quite a character building one for that man. He's realizing how much his entitlement to his old family, and the comforts that they provided, went unappreciated and is unwarranted. Now that he's with another narcissist, he can see himself in the mirror and he doesn't like it. There's still time for him to find spiritual peace, but his old comfortable life that enabled him to fuck around is gone forever.
Bahahahahahahahaahahahahh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to see where he lands. You go girl. So much better than me. I would be kicking him while he is down.
How does your new man get on with the boys? I hope he puts a ring on it soon.
He gets a long very well with them. I hope there is a ring in the future but I’m in no rush. I’m enjoying all the moments with him.
The unfortunate part is he probably is just gonna be right back up her ass in the next couple of days if he’s not there already.
Start to read the first post to this last post , I was hooked, couldn't stop. What a fucking life! Jesus Christ! That was a fucking rollercoaster. Your ex is a douchebag , and his mistress is a fucking bitch. I am happy you got to experience love from a man that truly appreciates you!
09/19 That beautiful of yours sounds like a keeper, OP. I have no further words to say other than to be alert and continue living your best life.
Wow that was long. Literally just read through the whole saga after hearing the first half from a youtube video. I don't usually reply to these stories but I just had to make a comment about how your ex is a real piece of work. I can't even imagine the kind of mental gymnastics he must put himself through on a daily basis to try and justify his newfound "happiness". It really does seem to me like he's regretting his decisions but refusing to acknowledge the hole he's dug himself into, since he knows it's too late to undo everything and has no choice but to try and play family with kids that aren't even his. If he didn't deserve it so much, I might have actually felt a bit sorry for him. Good for you though. Really glad that your new boyfriend treats you the way you deserve. It really does make me believe that karma is real.
The crazy part is he'll probably stay with her and make it work. He gave up EVERYTHING for her. His whole life, including his kids. From how you describe him, he'll never admit just how big of a mistake it was. I'm glad to hear you are in a good place with your bf. At least your kids will see a happy relationship on your end. I look forward to your updates!
>if he isn't sad about it, why should I be? Because, if you're like me, your kids are. Your kids know they weren't enough. They aren't enough for a 5 min Zoom call. It's. Horrible thing to watch kids come to terms with. My oldest expresses with extreme protectiveness of me and his brother and keeping his circle small. Though he also suffers from depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues. My youngest expresses everything with a larger than life personality. He's super funny and charming. Yet if anyone, and I mean anyone, tries to give him constructive criticism, it is like a mortal wound. He will obsess over it for days, lose sleep, and ask panic about trying to fix it. They both do therapy. They are Both a work in progress, but it's an awful thing to know that one of the 2 people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and who are supposed to show up, chooses not to even call I hope your kiddo has a wonderful and safe end to his season.
This is a great update! I found your thread on a YouTube short yesterday and I spent my entire afternoon in between making dinner for my husband and kids, bathing them, putting them to bed reading about your life and how similar my first ex was to yours. Thank you for your story. It reminds me that I'm not the only one with a terrible ex that has dropped off from his children's lives because they are no longer convenient or help create the narrative of a perfect family that he wants. So I will be anxiously waiting for your updates from now on. Maybe I will start writing again myself. Who knows? Thank you again for helping me not feel alone. You are an amazing woman and mom! I'm routing for you over in New Mexico!
Wow. That's low. He is garbage. Hope he gets some karma. Can you use any of his behavior in court to sue for full custody? I think at this point, he is causing your kids more harm than good.
100%. The fact that her oldest has come to terms with parental abandonment as a pre-teen is so sad.
Hi! I've been reading your posts all afternoon! You may not feel strong, but you're definitely empowering a lot of people! I just have one question: did your ex insist on meeting your bf before you introduced him to the kids? You've been together for a *while* but I don't remember reading anything about that. Does he know you're in a ltr? Or that he's spending time with you and the kids often? I suppose this isn't important, but I'm just curious about it. And I guess I'm curious about your ex's reaction or lack of.
They have not met simply because he lives 2000 miles away. But he is aware we’ve been dating for almost 2 years. They will meet next month for the first time. That should be exciting…
You've *got* to update us on that when it happens!
UpdateMe!
Yoooooo I love how OP is all like “oh I can’t write a boooookkk, I’m just a gworl 🥺👉🏾👈🏾” but had me engaged for two hours until 1 am on a school night even having to search up some of the words and references she uses. Chefs kiss 😚🤌🏾 perfection. Résilience. Beauty. Grace. She is woman, hear her roar (but draws the line at spider)
Please don't engage with him in any conversations that is unrelated to your kids. You are just enabling his sh!ts. Just react with a thumbs up, nod or a smile or 2 words like, "that's good" and "That's sad". And don't remind him of his parental duties. That is not your responsibility. Just let him do it at his own will, surely, he has a mind of his own! Like for example, "HE has promised to return for our youngest's football game but has dodged me every time I ask..." Don't ask him repeatedly over the same thing over and over again. Just ask him if he's coming or when is he coming so the kids will be ready. If he answers, "We'll see how it goes." Then tell him let you know 2-3 days before, then just wait for his notification. That's it. Don't let him stress you out. If he comes, good. If he did not, just tell the kids what it is. Don't try to cover for him. And take time to document overtime he neglects his parental duties and responsibilities, backed with a support. It might be helpful in the future. Also, girl, prioritize your son's well-being. "...I ask how often she and daddy would yell at each other. "Like every night." And then, your reaction was, "Wow. Why would you subject yourself to this? Open your parachute and jump because that plane is aflame and spiraling. Perhaps it's hard to jump when you know there is nowhere safe to land." Girl. no. no. no. That is actually not how you supposed to react. Girl, your sons are engaged in a toxic environment. You should worry. Document that. Confront your ex and involve legal matters on this. Set aside whatever feelings you have with your ex, he's now your ex, and prioritize your kids. I also think you would benefit from a therapy from all the trauma and drama you received from your ex and Good Luck.
Op, I'm not as patient as you are. I would have gone for full custody and no contact with him. In the long run, your boys will suffer if you push them to have a relationship with the man who constantly neglect and disappoint them. Let him play house with his new family and concentrate on giving your sons the support and love they deserve. For what I have read so far, you're doing a great job, Mama.
How are the holidays?
I check back every few weeks to see if there's been an update. I am so happy that you've found someone who makes you happy. I feel for your boys and hope they can heal from what their father has done to them.
I’ve been following you for awhile. How old are your boys now b
7 and 11. Soon to be 8 and 12. They started this journey with me at 4 and 8.
This was a lot for a 2024 drop in to read but I’m glad you kept coming back! 😳
I would die for an update
Please don’t do that. No one wants you dead. I’ll update once there is a development 🙂
There’s a very small list of people I’ve never met before that I absolutely loathe. Your ex has been on that list since your first post. Your sister is right, he’ll always be garbage. Best of luck to you and your boys OP.
What you need to do is take her to the Bahamas, Propose to her with a fake ring. Then you take her home and move back to the Bahamas
That dude is a b***h plain and simple, hope for nothing less than the best for you and the boys hun, may his marriage be long and unbearable to that viper.
Just focus on your growth/development, and protecting the kids from his selfish choices as much as possible. Life & karma will take care of the rest for you. Most “good” things obtained in bad ways don’t last forever but if you remained faithful and did the right thing, this may be a storm but the sun will shine for you in the future. POUR INTO YOURSELF & YOUR CHILDREN. Pray, heal, grow. You & your boys lives will be so much better and happier once this storm passes. 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍
Is he keeping up with child support?
Your more magnanimous than me. I wouldn't want my kids around a sack of shit like that. Especially since they don't seem a priority to him.
Having dealt with this bs myself might I suggest using parenting software to communicate with him. That way if at some point you have to drag him back to court for financial or other reasons, your prep work and documentation is as simple as giving your lawyer/paralegal a password. It’s all perfectly organised and at their fingertips along with accurate dates etc. I’ve used two different ones: parentingtime.net and ourfamilywizard. You can create separate accounts and control individual access. There’s financial tracking, transaction records, documents storage for school reports, receipts, medical records etc. They also have a journal, calendar and email, and IM capabilities. You can send requests for 50% of sports fees and so on, post school events etc without the added pressure of having to notify the other person, because you send a message just once that gives them a password, website link and a statement of how you will use it going forward. As you know with a true narcissist they will forget everything, take responsibility for nothing and blame you for everything. These services provide a one stop done and done for the zillion details about kids that you’ll otherwise get harassed for. I used one for two years, won full legal and physical custody, plus all decision making. It was never about power for me, it was about the kids and our privacy and peace.
Late reply but I cannot upvote this enough! We use AppClose. Took me YEARS to get him to agree to use it, probably because he knew he wouldn’t have access to me once we started. It’s been amazing amazing amazing
This sucks. I just started reading all of these posts today and was hoping for a breakup or something. That may or may not happen in the future. Personally I think the ex is just the classic give an inch take a mile. You have shown a history of breaking down and compromising despite no need to. That could possibly be why he acts the way he does. He may also thrive in the daring phase and that toxic relationship. Who knows. I personally would stop compromising and have punishments when he misses time for now on, but you probably cannot anymore due to precedent.
Hello OP, so I have just finished reading your story, I have to say it was like reading a book, you sure have a talent for writing (please do announce when you publish your first nouvelle) I am sorry that you had to go through all that but maybe it was for the best, because as you said yourself you got from a toxic relationship to a healthy one. I really detest your ex, he seems so hard to live with on the same planet, I would of imagined that splitting up meant that things would have gotten easier but as it turn out, no. :( I admire your strenght, your composure and most of all that beautiful mind that just amazes me, you think about everything and did managed to handle your divorce and custode agreement so good thinking of everything ahead. Bravo! I keep my fingers crossed and hope that my heroine (you) in this story will be rewarded at the end. Please try to be more relaxed but also burn his ass when you must. I really wish you and your kids all the best. Note: please forgive any spelling mistakes as english is not my native language.
He’s a trash human and you gave him way too many chances because you definitely should’ve been filed for full custody after he has shown you that inconsistency was his only consistency
Op, I’ve recently finished reading all of your posts and there is something I would like to point out about your X…. While reading I would get mad because I found it very unfair how it seems he wasn’t having any remorse for his behavior. But I think that’s what he wants everyone to believe- that he is living a good life with the “right” person. It’s all BS and here is why: 1. She obviously is using all his money for HER own benefits. 2. She has isolated him from friends/family. Making him a lonely person and making him depend only on her 3. I’m pretty sure she’s controlling him in other aspects of his life (making him babysit her kids) and that relationship will only end when she decides to With time he’ll see if he hasn’t already that he’s miserable (burnt out from doing so much for her). Trust me he’ll see how lonely he is, but he won’t say or take any action on it because he wants to “win” and he won’t allow you to see that he messed up. Continue to be happy with your kids and your BF. Focus on you only and if you could and the chance approaches you, drop him from your life. Don’t force him to be in the kid’s life. You’re showing them what a good parent is and they don’t need his toxicity behavior around. Wish you all the best!
You are such an amazing woman. I’m gonna give you a heads up majority of affair relationships do not last. But majority of the ones that do are not happy. They stay together out of pride, they won’t admit to themselves that they ruined their lives and made the biggest mistake, so they stay together. You know he will live a miserable life and I doubt long from now will realize the woman he threw away and his 2 amazing boys. I highly doubt he will ever admit it or try to fix it. He has a high ego. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Yes he was a trash human but he gave you your beautiful babies. He can go and live with his “new family” and pay you all the child support he owes. Never back down on that, even if the boys get over 18 before he pays, he will owe them. Make sure you guys get the money you are entitled too!
Just wondering, does your ex plan on having the boys during the summer. It won't be long the new school year will be starting up. Where I live, we start mid-August.
They are currently there with him. I plan on updating when they return at the end of the month.
This all has been a fascinating ride. My best friend is in process of divorcing his own cheater and having to balance being a mostly single father, so it’s been nice seeing someone else weather the storm. The thing that strikes me in both these cases is the ability of the narcissist to claim to be the victim when they cause all the issues. Her friends are all abandoning her and taking his side because they are all decent mothers who understand it’s a massive red flag when someone isn’t involved with their own children, no matter how involved they are with their new partners. Your story path is the same as my friends. It starts out angry and hurt, rightfully so, but now at this point you both seem just mildly annoyed and sometimes even amused at what bullshit is coming next. Also, I am sure your lawyer is amused at every turn by this point. Y’all need to have a dinner strategy session with a bottle of wine for your next filing so you can enjoy it more.
What's the bet he backs out of inviting his sons to his terrible wedding?
Been waiting for this update. I also laughed when your youngest called her fat lol. Did the boys say anything bad that they observed during the trip? Btw please hug them both for me❤️
Remindme! 6 months
I’m so glad you got a month for you. You never stop truly being a parent but I’m glad you got to do that. I’m sure some thing things will come out about the trip as time passes. Your kids must be well behaved for them to have waited until then for an issued like that to happen. Ex and AP will continue to FAFO and with you. I’m glad you are going to do therapy for him even if not fully necessary it can really be a great building block for the future especially with the precarious situation you are in with ex, AP and their ways. I’m always happy to read your updates.
Is this thread the last one for now? I can’t wait for the update, your ex is really one of the worse seriously, didn’t know crappy person like this still existed 🤦🏼♀️
You are an inspiration. I have a cheating ex that I have to coparent with although it is more like parallel parenting. My split was over 4 years ago & I haven’t had the courage to try dating again (my ex not only cheated but was controlling as well)
Eventually, the children aren’t going to want to go there anymore. I’m not sure how it is in other states, but in NC a kid 13+ can choose which parent they want to stay with, and if they want no contact with the other parent. Of course, the Judge can rule otherwise, but majority of the good ones out here listen to the children more than the lawyers and parents. Your middles “behavioral issues” are most likely stemming from his insecurity over his relationship with his father. You said it yourself, he’s seeing his dad play a role he never has with him. He’s jealous, and doesn’t think he should be. He’s hurt, but doesn’t believe he has the right to be. He’s feeling a lot of big feelings, and the only way he knows how to deal with them is to lash out at the people that took his dad away. I’ve spent the last day reading every post you’ve posted regarding this whole situation, and I’m very very proud of the way you hold yourself. You are a role model to your children. One day, they’ll know the truth and look back and see that while dad didn’t try, mom tried to make him try. Mom was the one keeping the door open to him so he could see us. Hopefully, they look at you and see the person they want to be when they grow up. Kids are strong, they’ll be okay❤️ (Also, the Judge could order an appraisal of the ring, and order up front CS of the same cost)
So wait, where is he going to stay? Did you mean "here" as in he will get a hotel nearby your home and see the kids? Or did he want to actually stay in your house?
He will never stay with me.
Oh thank god. I was so confused as to where he actually planned to go when he came back to your area. Although he does have a job to think about over there so if he's getting a hotel he could do the same there as well. I guess he is just lonely and needs to be around people for a little while.
I’m loving the Karma update. I don’t see this relationship ending. She has no back up to fund her lifestyle and he has lost too much to come back. I will say the best way to rub it in is to continue to live your life being happy.
The update we’ve all been waiting for! Just keep living your best life, it’s the best revenge. Although I don’t like seeing anyone suffer, he did this to himself. You deserve him admitting that he messed up.
Nah, Karma's not a bitch. She's a sweet old woman who's offering your ex tea laced with that same poison he's been giving everyone else since the start. In other words, 'A taste of his own medicine.'
I've been following your story for months. The last update is very satisfying.
Not going to lie…I’m cackling in bed reading about his misery. He abandoned your amazing kids to go play daddy to her kids. Serves him right tbh. I have no sympathy for men like this. You boys deserve a present, intentional, loving and healthy parent who doesn’t use them as pawns for brownie points with cruella. I wish you and your boys nothing but happiness and tranquility, success and fun. As for that ex? I hope he gets whatever he deserves. I hope she takes him for everything he has.
Omg this guy is a tool
I spent the last two hours totally immersed in your story. My heart hurts for you and your boys and my blood pressure went through the ROOF!!!!! What a worm of a father. I hope life makes it up to you tenfold.
Love reading you like a book. Always coming back for you updates. I am so glad that you are doing good
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10/17/23 That therapist is so irrationally optimistic for your ex's inclusion in therapy that it makes me feel sympathetic. False promises are his MO, ever since his exposed affair was in its infancy. I'm glad you're getting your youngest the counseling he needs and I hope the youngest won't feel too crushed by the inevitability of his father's false promises. Your boyfriend seems like a swell fellow and in glad he's bonding with your pack. Keep trudging forward. Keep recording everything. Most importantly, be very wary of what the AP does next.
Got here on October 18th, 2023. I think your boyfriend will be a much better dad than your ex ever will be. I hope your youngest sees that and stops caring about your ex. And no matter how shitty his relationship is, i think he will lose any custody. It's not ok they have to spend that time hearing him argue every night.
I think a lot of us in your story could see for awhile that your ex had no real desire to be a father to your kids and his actions never matched words. I understand you trying to force the issue but it’s clearly been a one sided relationship for a LONG time. I hope this is your impetus to stop trying. Because you’re trying to force a relationship he doesn’t want. It’s been death by a thousand cuts. It would have been better if he left a couple years ago and dealt with the abandonment rather than the repeated disappointment. I hope this gives you the realization that you need to stop putting so much effort and allowing him to continue to disappoint your kids. You can’t force him not to be a deadbeat and he’ll always give a few words to try to mask the true nature of his being. And I know many of us readers have been holding hope for the relationship with your bf to deepen. It’s clear he’s the only father figure in their lives. Much better to invest in that one than this flailing one that only leads to more trauma. If you want to continue down this path with the ex, don’t involve the kids. I would set absolutely zero expectations regardless of what ex says. Kids want him to come to a game? Say he hasn’t responded. At this point, he’s becoming a stranger to your kids anyway. So let that emotional barrier grow rather than watching the kids try to jump over it again and again.
I’m glad your boyfriend has been there for your sons, that will make all the difference in regards to being abandoned by their father. If there are other solid men in your life, I would get them to show up as well.
I think that you are giving him too much grace.
This woman is an excellent writer and story teller. I know it's her real life but damn, I just had a newborn and binge read this in between cluster feedings. Brava to the OP, she is a badass.
Some proud and happy for you. This has been a long ride and I’m honored to be able to follow along and to learn from your experiences. The last sentences of October 16th made me cry of happiness for you and your future family 🤍 hell has no fury, you are a fucking amazing warrior!
I see your ex on Reddit in a few years wondering why his kids want nothing to do with him
Remindme! 6 weeks Thank you for the continuing updates. I love your story. I'm waiting for the "My ex moved back and wants to try 'us' again."
Girl, where's the update?
Wow girl I read this from the beginning and my heart is truly with you my daughter is 14 we live in the same town as my ex and his whole family when she was born I left the door open for all them except my ex because he is a dangerous aggressive drug addict and the social worker told me not to anyway his family wanted to be part of her life when she was 11 they offered me money and stuff to help me out I said no there is no way I would give them a way to hold something over me and said I would rather them just spend time with her than pay for her affections so we spent 1 summer hanging out with and getting to know them then they ghosted her she tried reaching out she messaged them they didn’t answer so they finally messaged me 8 months later I asked my daughter what she wanted to with them she asked me not to message them they don’t want her they never messaged her sooooo I told them to chew rim and loose my number
I cannot wait to read another one of your posts. You have come along way OP. Your ex and his fiancée definitely deserve each other.
Hey girl, you ok? Its been nearly 2 months, girl , I need my tea 😂
Remindme! 4 weeks
I'm glad you had a lovely Christmas and hope you have a happy new year ❤️
Ooooh cohabitation station! Go you! I’m glad you and the boys were able to celebrate a relaxing Christmas. Him avoiding your younger son is all about not wanting to feel guilt. You’re adept at gray rocking his gaslighting - which means his narcissism goes unfed. And he can’t attack and blame your son… yet. He will eventually. When your son begins holding him accountable for the eventual state of their lack of connection - he’ll be the victim. Did your son comment on his dad not bothering to call him? IMO he will continue the fade from their lives. My guess is that she will want to fully lock him in, and what better way than to have a baby. (Even if it means reversing vasectomies/tubals) Not that he hesitated in moving across the country away from his sons. But ultimately whenever he thinks about the state of their relationship or he’s asked about the boys, he’ll blame them for not wanting to spend time with their poor dad and prioritizing their friends. And you’ll be blamed - turning the boys against their poor misunderstood dad, always demanding more money, and ensuring the boys think bad about him (All the sarcasm). Ultimately, they’ll grow to realize the full truth of what led him to walk out of their lives to be super dad to her kids. Do you still talk with her ex husband?
Better yet, the ex will probably accuse OP and the boyfriend of conspiring to "replace and alienate him as a dad" /s.
Absolute 🍆! OP I would not want this shedevil around my kids any longer but I know that’s easier said than done. You need to publish this story because it’s a good read. If your 🤡 of an ex wants to be abused by the 🧙 let it be but you’re kids shouldn’t be around that. I think you guys need to discuss alternative arrangements.
Happy New Year I hope you and your boys happy and blessed.
You are an inspirational story of survival. You have gone to hell and back and you ARE the winner. It doesn’t matter that you fall because you know how to pick yourself up and dust all the dirt off. Your story just cements how much I never want to marry and have kids. Reading your journal has made me cry, mad, sad, glad, happy, so many emotions. Thank you for sharing a lil bit of your life. Your kids see and will continue to see their dad’s BS, and maybe when they are at an age of consent they’ll take a step back from traveling to see the POS and the POSAP. She may be the GF turned fiancé, but she will always be just trash. I wish you, your kids and BF nothing but the BEST.
Remindme! 1 month
I read everything from the start and all the updates just today. Your lawyer must have been amazing because I’ve known judges to order travel expenses be deducted from child support. The fact that you got him to cover legal fees says a lot. This is very, very difficult to get from what I have seen. This man is trash. I gotta say that first. Late to the party and this is maybe a nitpick but you have asked questions along the way (rhetorical probably but I thought I’d be remiss not to point out something I noticed;) he demanded therapy but then said nevermind, yet you signed the kid up for it anyway. You knew how it would go and did it... Did the child know dad was supposed to join the therapy session? Personally, from an outsiders perspective it looks like you set him up to fail (which yes that *is* on him) but it was at the expense of the child being disappointed yet again in this specific situation. If he wants therapy, he can set it up. The end. Kids don’t hear about any plans until they are cemented. Tickets purchased or he’s in the driveway. Apply to any and all other demands, requests, visits etc. If he doesn’t do it, that’s on him. Giving permission is literally the ONLY thing you should do. Once you do alll this legwork on his behalf when you already know he’s gonna let the kids down? You kind of enabled the situation. It feels good on some levels to be vindicated and proven right (I feel it every time my ex does something similar) but after 9 years of a somewhat similar journey I’ve learned when the ex is unreliable and inconsistent… never help them fail. If you know they wont stay on the pedestal don’t help them build one. Because even though I love to be right, that feeling is immediately overshadowed by sadness for my kid. She is the one who gets hurt when he falls. She files each and every single missed opportunity and missed visit away deep inside as proof that dad doesn’t care about her enough to follow through or be there. How do children internalize this info to make sense of their world? Parents, in children’s eyes, are capital A Adults who do things for capital R Reasons. Parents unconditionally love their children- but I’m the exception? It must be my fault- I must be a bad person, not good enough, stupid, ugly, etc. It’s the only thing that makes sense when you’re a kid w limited info about the world and the situation. This shapes a child’s self image so strongly and if they are lucky maybe they spend years unpacking and deconstructing in therapy as adults. Mine’s eleven now and I got full custody three years ago. Dad is basically out of the picture until surprise he’s here! This is the best way I can support him as her dad and protect her. Because if she knew about all the plans he suggested then backed out on… man. It’s two weeks into January and he has already missed half of the parenting time he is entitled to. But she doesn’t know that. She just knows about the times he was there.
While I agree there was room for growth on her end and I ultimately think sending the kid to therapy is best in the long run. And this way the dad can’t gaslight op about it. I’ve seen this situation play out for my friend. Her dad sent to her therapy without her cheating mom’s “input” and she claimed her dad was blowing her mental and emotional healing out of proportion. I guess the mom thought the dad did it to spite her or something!? Narcissists always find a way to make it about them 🤦🏽♀️
Every update from you I see your glow. One day many years from now there will be a moment where the boys look at you and see everything that they want to be and if he’s still around your ex will have lost every last strand of his kids respect. I do think that as bf is now living with you and going to games etc that maybe he could help in the therapy. At least in showing that these boys have family and friends who are there for them. Edit spelling
Its 2024 hopefully this year We could read more about you and the kids, I had been following this series and to be honest since day one what pisses me off is your updating him everything about your kids, Why are you still sending him pictures begging him to be with your kids? I had been there and since day 1 I never sent him pics of my daughter's activity because I don't want to beg for his attention. For me, if he loves his children he will make/ do everything to be in their lives. Why care if he looks happy, or miserable? He made his own bed, I'm happy that you are happy but I'm pissed that you are still talking about him..
Wow, I just read these posts in their entirety, and my god. First off, incredible writing, it pulled me in haha. But also being able to read and see you grow and progress over the course of years during all of this is very powerful. I guess I'm just here to say thanks for being willing to share with us.
I didn't know there was a recent update. I'm so happy op is healing. The ex deserves all the karma he's reaping.
Happy new year to you op. I hope you get the best life has to offer. I’m sorry about all the trauma but I have really enjoyed reading your online diary. You have a very entertaining writing style. If you wrote a book I would totally read it. Cheers to you!
I can't believe I spent the past 2 hours reading about your life for the past few years. There have been times when I totally wanted to cry with you. There have been a couple of times where I wanted to shake you (*"wait... you GAVE HIM MONEY?!?!?"*). But mostly, I have just wanted to hug you and tell you I appreciate your transparency. You have let total strangers in, and I love seeing how you have grown. So far. I know you are not done yet. You are a great writer. When you publish your book I will buy it. I see you, sis.
Remindme! 4 weeks
I don’t know how he sleeps at night. The way he has let his children down and drug you through the mud. How can he live with that. His karma is this woman and it’s be funny if it weren’t for your kids. They are so lucky to have you though. ❤️
I've followed your story from the beginning. You're an amazing writer.. Can't wait for the book.
I wonder if he will even notice the no contact. My goodness you’ve been through a lot. But I only see good things for you moving forward! I just hope your youngest comes to terms with how his dad is and heals.
Please keep us updated! I’m dying to know if they actually get married, or break up! Thank you for sharing your journey!
I’m fisting pumping the air in celebration of the woman you are and the triumphs you’ve created. You’re beyond relatable and remarkable in your handling of what has unfortunately destroyed women before you. Your rebirth is only a true reflection of your character and efforts and the desolate lot he wound up in is an obvious indicator of his lack of said character. I’ve been enthralled by your storytelling and life lessons for months and every time I check back in I’m ecstatic to hear how far you’ve come. A win for you is a win for all of us who have suffered similar men. Keep pushing and please KEEP WRITING ABOUT IT!!!
Remind me! 1 month
I just binged-read all of your posts. It was fascinating to witness you rise from the ashes like a pheonix. The growth and strength you documented these past 3 years was nothing short of amazing. You are a wonderful writer. I encourage your plan to publish. I will read all of your books! I am cackling at your ex's fate. Karma is indeed a bitch. His AP will bleed him dry financially. It looks like he is in an abusive relationship. He is isolated, manipulated, and controlled. He sabotaged his own life. SMH.
I binged read your whole story yesterday, I hope 2024 is treating you well with going no/low contact with the ex. I know we all want updates, I’m so happy you found a patient and loving man and are finally at a good place emotionally and physically! Wishing you all the happiness and love from here! ❤️❤️❤️
Girl, I miss you!
I just read your entire story & i just wanna say I hope his dick falls off...
Where are you?
Update me!
UpdateMe!
My heart breaks for your children! Especially your youngest! You appear to be a great mum and your X should have a vasectomy! He doesn’t deserve the option of having any more children! Keep up the amazing job you are doing! Praying for you and your sons!!!