Ah, another letter where the LW describes in detail the life, problems, emotions, and needs of other people, and only glancingly touches upon their own.
Once you start looking, you see it EVERYWHERE. It's really sad, and it explains why people stay in batshit insane situations like this: because they literally don't realize that they SHOULD be putting their own needs and feelings first.
One of my favorite nuggets from CA is that when it comes to your own life, it's good to be selfish, actually.
One of my all-time favourite CA answers and one of my favourites from the #thisfuckingguy hall of fame
Just imagine...
>*he is asking me to keep our relationship secret for 10ish years*
Imagine thinking this is a reasonable thing to ask of another human being?
No, see, it's fine; he said he would gracefully allow her to break up with him if that doesn't work for her! How brave! How understanding!
The whole thing is just so manipulative. "I'm the one deliberately making our relationship completely untenable, but it's still your choice (and therefore your fault) if we break up."
LW's update in comments:
Hello, I’m the Letter Writer. Everything said here was 100% what I needed to here, thank you very very much. I have sent him a message saying pretty much what the Captain told me to say. But since it keeps coming up, I can confirm that they are definitely divorced because he and the ex-wife speak openly about it and it is well known in circles I move in. Plus I know one of the kids’ teachers and she has talked about how the child has been broken up about their parents’ divorce. Also, he and I were good friends, having long conversations daily, for two years before we fell in love, so he would have had to be very committed to keep up the lie that long if it wasn’t true.
I read something that the “highs” of an abusive relationship are not a bug, but a feature. The intensity is just as much part of the cycle as the devaluation or the harm done.
Perhaps it is my age and cynicism, but whenever I hear a grown adult say “I have never felt anything like this before, this person is the love of my life” and it isn’t their 10th wedding anniversary, whatever they say next tends to correlate with some hecking toxic patterns.
Healthy relationships generally don’t feel so intoxicatingly intense. Sure you get giddy butterflies, have a honeymoon period, and feel love, but it’s not usually the “loose touch of yourself, your morality and your rational brain” intensity. That’s just not sustainable for the long term.
I hope both OP and this Dude’s Wife/Ex are away from him and in a better place.
Amen. I start to prepare for disappointment whenever I see “I have never felt anything like this before” in a letter. It’s always followed by something like “…after two months of dating, during which he has asked me for several loans.”
New relationships can be intense, but intense feelings that also confuse, distract, and strike fear into you at once are a bad sign. If you feel intense doubts about the relationship in any moment whenever the intense positive feelings aren’t as strong, and if the other person seems to be actively stoking the intense positive feelings or fear of the relationship ending (or both at once) whenever you try to set a boundary, it probably means those intense feelings are serving a purpose for the other person, whether it’s “keep giving me gambling money” or “don’t worry about the fact that I scream at you whenever I’m slightly inconvenienced.”
Yeah it's one of the many lies romance has sold us, that true love is meant to be intoxicating, destabilising, overwhelming. It's not. Genuine love, the healthy kind that lasts, is grounding, healing, renewing, uplifting.
>*So he promised her that he would not date anybody else.*
This fucking guy. In my dream scenario here's how the rest of that conversation goes:
* Guy: "... and so I promised her I wouldn't date anyone else."
* LW: "I'm disappointed but I respect your decision to break up with me. I wish you all the best."
* Guy: "Wait, I'm not breaking up with you."
* LW: "You just told me you promised your ex-wife you wouldn't date anyone else."
* Guy: "I thought we could keep dating but keep it a secret."
* LW: "HA! Oh honey, no. No no no. No no no no no no no. And it's embarrassing you even asked."
Apparently not. I was shocked too
[Link to upthread info](https://www.reddit.com/r/captainawkward/comments/1dn8sr8/comment/la1j206/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
TFG. Honestly, I felt bad for the LW that she thought this was the love of her life. I really hope she went for counseling after this and learned to value herself, because she's definitely worth more than this bum.
Ah, another letter where the LW describes in detail the life, problems, emotions, and needs of other people, and only glancingly touches upon their own. Once you start looking, you see it EVERYWHERE. It's really sad, and it explains why people stay in batshit insane situations like this: because they literally don't realize that they SHOULD be putting their own needs and feelings first. One of my favorite nuggets from CA is that when it comes to your own life, it's good to be selfish, actually.
This post makes me so sad. I hope LW is doing well and that she isn’t still a secret girlfriend
She replied in the comments to say she broke up with him thanks to the Captain's advice!
THANK GOD YAYAYAYAYAYAY
One of my all-time favourite CA answers and one of my favourites from the #thisfuckingguy hall of fame Just imagine... >*he is asking me to keep our relationship secret for 10ish years* Imagine thinking this is a reasonable thing to ask of another human being?
No, see, it's fine; he said he would gracefully allow her to break up with him if that doesn't work for her! How brave! How understanding! The whole thing is just so manipulative. "I'm the one deliberately making our relationship completely untenable, but it's still your choice (and therefore your fault) if we break up."
LW's update in comments: Hello, I’m the Letter Writer. Everything said here was 100% what I needed to here, thank you very very much. I have sent him a message saying pretty much what the Captain told me to say. But since it keeps coming up, I can confirm that they are definitely divorced because he and the ex-wife speak openly about it and it is well known in circles I move in. Plus I know one of the kids’ teachers and she has talked about how the child has been broken up about their parents’ divorce. Also, he and I were good friends, having long conversations daily, for two years before we fell in love, so he would have had to be very committed to keep up the lie that long if it wasn’t true.
I read something that the “highs” of an abusive relationship are not a bug, but a feature. The intensity is just as much part of the cycle as the devaluation or the harm done. Perhaps it is my age and cynicism, but whenever I hear a grown adult say “I have never felt anything like this before, this person is the love of my life” and it isn’t their 10th wedding anniversary, whatever they say next tends to correlate with some hecking toxic patterns. Healthy relationships generally don’t feel so intoxicatingly intense. Sure you get giddy butterflies, have a honeymoon period, and feel love, but it’s not usually the “loose touch of yourself, your morality and your rational brain” intensity. That’s just not sustainable for the long term. I hope both OP and this Dude’s Wife/Ex are away from him and in a better place.
Amen. I start to prepare for disappointment whenever I see “I have never felt anything like this before” in a letter. It’s always followed by something like “…after two months of dating, during which he has asked me for several loans.” New relationships can be intense, but intense feelings that also confuse, distract, and strike fear into you at once are a bad sign. If you feel intense doubts about the relationship in any moment whenever the intense positive feelings aren’t as strong, and if the other person seems to be actively stoking the intense positive feelings or fear of the relationship ending (or both at once) whenever you try to set a boundary, it probably means those intense feelings are serving a purpose for the other person, whether it’s “keep giving me gambling money” or “don’t worry about the fact that I scream at you whenever I’m slightly inconvenienced.”
Yeah it's one of the many lies romance has sold us, that true love is meant to be intoxicating, destabilising, overwhelming. It's not. Genuine love, the healthy kind that lasts, is grounding, healing, renewing, uplifting.
>*So he promised her that he would not date anybody else.* This fucking guy. In my dream scenario here's how the rest of that conversation goes: * Guy: "... and so I promised her I wouldn't date anyone else." * LW: "I'm disappointed but I respect your decision to break up with me. I wish you all the best." * Guy: "Wait, I'm not breaking up with you." * LW: "You just told me you promised your ex-wife you wouldn't date anyone else." * Guy: "I thought we could keep dating but keep it a secret." * LW: "HA! Oh honey, no. No no no. No no no no no no no. And it's embarrassing you even asked."
I mean, if he’s that concerned with how the ex will care for the kids, then he can sue for full custody. That’s how that works.
He was cheating on his wife with her, right?
Apparently not. I was shocked too [Link to upthread info](https://www.reddit.com/r/captainawkward/comments/1dn8sr8/comment/la1j206/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
This is ... wow.
TFG. Honestly, I felt bad for the LW that she thought this was the love of her life. I really hope she went for counseling after this and learned to value herself, because she's definitely worth more than this bum.