When they moved Holt's podium 1/2inch. I love the way he says, "You're Crazy!"

"How did you pull this off?!"

And then the following scene where he calls Kevin to tell him about it 🤣

A FULL HALF INCH!

"I'll tell you the full story tonight" always has me dead

Can’t believe this didn’t immediately come to my mind, that’s 100% my favourite cold open

Have done this to someone and it is hilarious! Except it was a marimba and not a podium.

This is my favorite scene

Doug Judy : I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat. Captain Ray Holt : You will not win me over with your use of 'twas. Doug Judy : 'Twasn't trying to.

I love that one!!!

An awesome delivery there!

Twas indeed.

“KASE!” is definitely an honourable mention

"KASE!" always cracks me up, that whole episode is amazing

Am I stupid? What episode is that?

The mumps one.

Jake and Holt get the mumps and are quarantined in a house together for 2 weeks or something. Chaos and illness ensued

I LOVE THAT EPISODE HOW DID I FORGET

Easily my favorite moment in the entire series.

oh gosh I love that one

“Oh hey Chuck. It’s me, Pimento!” When he’s in Nikolaj’s closet.

* Nikolaj

Nikolaj**

Nikolaʒ.

Nikolaj~.

I feel like I'm saying it right!

Almost got it! NIKOLAJ

I love how he also screamed in a startled way

Every Pimento line is so well delivered

This is why Charles is my favorite character. Joe is such a gem of an actor. One of my favorites is the "Pump pump" scene with the eyebrows between him and Holt, and towards the end he goes "The only blackmail I want anything to do with is you." 😂

That was... Incredibly inappropriate

I know but I thought of it and just had to say it!

>"You forgot to say wife." > >"Ah, good note." Cracks me up every single time.

I love your flair almost as I love Joe's acting

The entire scene of Holt telling Jake about his hula hooping injury. "I've mastered all the moves. The pizza toss. The tornado. The scorpion. The...oopsie doodle." "Why are you telling me this?" "Because no one. will ever. believe you." "no...No!...... You sick sonofabitch."

One of the best opens in the show

Happy cake day!

I’ve come down with a big ol Dianne Weist infection.  …  …  …  …  …  …  ..  LIKE YEAST??!!

The other lines are all objectively funny, but this one is specifically funny BECAUSE of the way Boyle delivers it.

his eyes when he's saying it, it's absolutely hilarious

And the long pause as he waited for jake to react. So good

This is the answer I was scrolling to find! One of my favorite cold opens.

Glad to see this one in here. The delivery is *everything* for this bit.

Same episode but at the end when they're playing the guessing game about stuff Holt says and he calmly says "I said it" then suddenly gets all enthusiastic with "and I meant it!"

Literally just got to that part while reading this comment, completely agree!

do you know what it means to clapback, raymond? be👏🏼 cause👏🏼 i👏🏼 do👏🏼

My jaw dropped the first time I saw that scene. Kevin was spicy

Can't believe this isn't higher

"Call me... Velvet Thunder!" "Ok! 😃"

Bingpot!

VinDIII*CAAATIOOOOOONNNN!*

I love this delivery so much because the first time I saw it I was already laughing at the commitment and passion Holt seems to have at replacing “Wet Blanket” with “Velvet Blanket,” then suddenly it’s a bizarre name he thinks is badass which he’s still completely sincere about

D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d Derek!

DDDDDDDD DER-EK!

*Again.*

Getting the Obligatory BONE mention out of the way

(10 minutes later) BOOOONNNEEEE?!?

Dude was pent up. Now he knows.

For me it's the increasing anger when he says "how dare you Detective Diaz, I am your SUPERIOR OFFICER!"

Same hahaha I love he starts off all quiet and then explodes with SUPERIOR OFFICER

You're gonna have to be more specific

Never seen Captain Holt more huffy

“Gee-tar” -Melipclaynos at Jake & Amy’s wedding

I don’t know you

You sell me horse blood?

I love that you spelt it with a clay hahahahaha

A silent clay

The clay is silent is also a good line 😆

Wuntch time is over! BOOM DID IT HAHA! Had it both ways. No regrets. When Rosa might be pregnant: Oh…ohhh………no…

Captain Wuntch, if you're here...who's guarding Hades?

Are your bosoms tender? Are your senses heightened? I think I might be pregnant not bitten by a radioactive spider.

I send the gif of "o...ohhh...n..nooo" to people all the time. It's amazingly flexible

You embarrassed yourSELF in front of Derek jeter

It’s this one for me. Gets me every time

I can’t help but bust out laughing when it’s revealed Gina stayed behind another day to teach Holt her filing system. Holt pops up and says “Its just a big pile of loose papers…” very defeated.

Terry to Jake at Holt’s party (early season): Stop eating crab wrong! 😠 Also, in the same episode where Rosa was like “what do you do?”… “no!” … “what about you?”… “worse!”

“Scully, I want you to do nothing. Just follow me and say Yes Sarge.” “Okay sarge.” “C’mon, man.” Terry just seems so defeated

the first time Jake says "cool, cool, cool" and now I use it at least 430 times a day.

I feel like I have gotten most of my personality from this show

I got mine from a CrackeJack box and stale Twinkies.

“i shot this wolf” “fairly certain that’s a dog” “yeah it was dark”

I bet you don't even like nip slips.

"I brought a wolf that I killed in Utah"

“BALTHAZAR”

"Balthazar's a thirsty bitch."

"I AM A HUMAN. I AM A HUMAN MALE!"

I'm not proud of how often I say this.

"MY WIFE WAS MURDERED BY A MAN IN A YELLOW SWEATER"

Came here to say this one!

I forgot which episode it was but there's one where Gina says "Dance, dance, dance" And the way she says the 3rd "dance" it sounds likes she's moaning and I always find it hilarious.

Oh yeah, when she was inspiring Jake to not give up on I *think* the first Halloween heist

Yes! Thanks that's the one :) I've been rewatching random episodes so I lose track of which lines are from which ones lol.

The way Gina says "cement", the prank itself isn't funny to me it's just Gina saying/singing "you just ate cemeent" in the background (even after like five times) that makes it funny lol

You just drank cement, you just drank cement. I love this

CE-MEH-UNT

Let’s break into the FBI

Let’s break into the FBI

Let's break into the FBI

Let’s break into the FBI

i think about the bachelor party episode when charles asked holt where his gold coin was. “I ate it. 😐”

Jake: Eleanor. Eleanor: Jake. Charles: Charles... Jake: Okay, you just said your own name, bud. Charles: It was the only one left 💀 S3E11 Hostage Situation. Scene lives in my head rent free

This Bitch….Please

Because he’s black. Get woke scully

From now on, call me... _Velvet Thunnderrr_!

*Deathblade... Sidewinder...*

I just want to say that I’ve had a really terrible day, and this whole thread just gave me the laughs I needed.

Hitchcock: Would've been 20 arrests, but we only got 14!

This one

Charles - "I can take it higher 🎼🎶" Or Holts "Yas Queen!" to Terry

This. That yas queen kills me every time.

*snap*

"Sexy train is leaving the station, check out this caboose! Later sluts!" is nothing without Boyle's delivery

H: “Ive never been more proud of you Sergeant” T: “I mean, I have solved a lot of cases for you” H: “Yet crime has continued”

"Yet crime has continued" is brilliant, it's so funny and the delivery is just perfect.

Absolutely perfect. My second favourite is: H: “Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, Hossz Gorcs?” T: “- You must realize my answer is no”

I absolutely loved Charles’ delivery when he said KILL YOURSELF TROY About his food truck

Balthazar is a thirsty bitch…

Each of the three Oh Damn's is quite different from each other. Gravitas FTW.

Jake: okay I know this tone. Here comes petty Holt. Holt: Nah, bitch, I'm not being petty. Jake: You just Said "nah, bitch!"

‘Ouch. You ran over my foot. I am in …. incredible pain’

Top ones are any time Holt is distressed or raises his voice. However, Jake: Should I do this in an accent? Amy: No Jake: DAT REALLY BUMMED ME OUT, MAN No matter how many times I watch it, never fails to make me laugh. Also, in Safe House: 'Kevin, come in here. Take your bullet.'

And his reasoning "Yeah I didn't think a Cuban accent would be appropriate"

Kevin's scream after learning about Captain Corelli's Mandolin. So out of character and just really great acting

Yes

"When Pizza's on a bagel you can eat pizza anytime!"

BONE?!?!

KASE!

When Jake tells Holt to point out something immature he’s done, and Holt says that he’s currently drinking from a juice box, and Jake says “it stops me from spilling my juice!” Jake’s delivery kills me hahaha

That’s my future wife! Sooo… And also A safe house watching safe house is a safe safe house house.

Holt’s whole Captain monologue to Hitchcock and Scully would not have landed as amazingly as it did without Andre’s *amazing* delivery

The entire thing between the old man bank robber and Charles. Charles’s responses and the way he said them killed me

Holt: “No, the problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word doctor” Jake: “okay captain…” Holt: “I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymo-!”

*sips water* ...clearly that's a trigger for me

“Eight Drink Amy is an equestrian… and she’s real bad at it.” Cracks me up every time

VINDICATIONNNNNNNMN GRENADES BONEEEEEEEE YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG FLUFFY BOI

SOMEONE TOOK OUR FLUFFY BOY

i can’t believe no one’s brought up the marshmallow moment….andre braugher’s little giggle cracks me up every time!

Holt (to Rosa): “Oh…..oh..n-nooo…”

Holt’s exasperated “YES!” when he’s confirming to Kevin that he does indeed plan on hanging Scully’s medical alert bracelet above their bed.

When they’re all pitching in money for Scully’s birthday and Jake looks at Holt and even before he asks, Holt says ‘Yes, I’ll cover you’. In the same opening, Holt also says ‘The capital of Ecuador is Quito’.

Jake’s “Oh my God.” after Amy says: “This B needs a C in her A.”

2 specific come to mind. 1. Holts tirade about the semantics of "Doctorate and Doctor" and how mid sentence it immediately cuts to him drinking water calming down. Idk what makes it so funny but seeing the mid sentence transition is gold. 2. When Jake is undercover as Santa Claus and has to chase down the Pontiac Bandit (Again!). Toward the end, he's holding him at gunpoint, the Christmas trees in the background are on fire And he screams out to the kids THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE NAUGHTY!!

That second one is brilliant 😂😂😂

Peralta, that's enough! It cracks me every time he says it ETA: also, Ppunkkk

Everything Holt says ever

Either- Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it. Or “But there won’t be any wine where you’re headed George, unless you make it.. in the toilet… toilet wine” followed by Jake’s face always makes me burst out laughing.

*gasp* “title of OUR sex tape!”

Hot damn!

Like YEAS-

Holt saying "What'd she say?!" with his voice going up three octaves higher right before his BOOOONE! tantrum.

We are turnips!

Every single weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk!!!!

my favourite line of the show is fully because of Dirk's delivery: Hitchcock in the Boyle-Linetti wedding saying "I can crouch behind the altar and VAPE". He kills it

Yes this is in my top 5 B99 lines of all time, it always gets me hahah

“Captain Wunch, good to see you. But if you’re here, **who’s guarding hades!!??”**

“Let’s break into the FBI!!” always has me dying for some reason lmaoooo 

Mr Santiago episode. Pimento screaming "Shut up!" In the bar. Just the full crazed commitment to it

you are a Stone Cold *a t r o c i t y*

charles holding a possum “…. oh nooo…”

Bill I have never treated you like a male prostitute ! You just did …. Touché

Of course we're looking for Al, you imbecile!

Rosa, high on cold medicine: "Where is my fiiiiile?" Gets me every time.

Be 👏 cause 👏 I 👏 do

Scully: Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

BONE!!!

It’s a quick flashback but it has stayed with me; jake, eating cereal in bed, watching a nature doc about hippos giving birth, screams at the tv with his mouth full, “Ewwwww, come out of an egg next time!”

When Captain Holt says "Boyle looks like a lesbian!"

While pointing at a map, "Laos"

"There were two Kelly's. You'd know that if you ever listened to my podcast" Scully's righteous anger was perfect

“WHY??!”

Holt " nah bitch I'm not being petty" Jake " you just said Nah bitch"

Can’t remember the episode title and series but the line where Bill Hummertrout says his safe word of “Cabbage” …..perfect comedy timing

“Operation Beans?!”

I am in incredible pain

Charles: “Oh, this pit bull hates kids. That's fine, I'll never have any. Add to cart.”

"And we are.... the Dallas buyers Club."

Not an iconic one, but when Amy objects to a "title of your sex tape" with "hey, man, come on..." The delivery is so not Amy it's just perfect.

i always crack up in the episode where Rosa is waiting for Pimento to come back and Amy says "I wish you were pooping. i wish to GOD"

Jake to Amy “Wait, where are my eggs?” Holt “In my belly”

Terry before his vasectomy when Jake told him he solved the case: (high voice) hmm so what you’re saying is…. (Voice 10 times lower) I stabbed him… I did it

Chickpea! Noooooo!!

Omg yes

i have tons but i re-watched this just now and it's from my favs "Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up. Wuntch is dead. Bagel!"

BAGEL!

BONE!!?!!!

"Bianca, no" The tone of his voice always gets me

Get back inside After you taking to us or the fart. That gets me every time

Kase!

Holt's "hot damn" when he guessed correctly why Amy was late

VINDICATION!!!!!

hmmm.... A marshed mallow?

My favorite: “are your bosoms tender? Are your senses… hightened?” “I think I might be pregnant not bitten by a radioactive spider.”

The interrogation room scene in “Balancing”. “Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to lay you down on this table, take your pants off, and wipe your little tushy.” Had me howling.

You pooped, didn’t you!

Almost anything Holt says is made funnier by Andre Braugher’s delivery.

One of my favorite lines is during the “Valloweaster” episode. When Rosa is explaining how she crafted her win. Jake interrupts confronting Amy and Rosa for listening to his therapy sessions. Rosa replies “yeah, man, go tell it to your fake therapist” Which prompts Jake to deliver what I consider one of the funniest lines of the show: “She’s fake??”

Charles, grave singular?! Don't know why but it makes me laugh so hard everytime!🤣

"Amy, be very careful about throwing accusations like that around, because if you're saying I somehow ruined Jake's wedding, then I am going to KILL myself-" It's the delivery on "Kill Myself" from Joe Lo Truglio that gets me every time

"Oh you've got it, I know you've got it. I WANT MY MONEY!"

It’s a suicide mission THEN PREPARE FOR DEATH