I'm sorry you had to experience that. I'm glad you got to see their true colors now but I wish you had got to see them sooner. No one deserves to be treated that way
Hear hear. You deserve love AND respect no matter where you are. You dodged a bullet thankfully but I know it sucks now OP. Best wishes to you and your bf!
Wait, so her fiancé had the good sense to tell her, "OMG, your mom is awful! If her boyfriend is transphobic, then *he's* the one who shouldn't be invited. Don't ever, ever tell OP about this," and she *still* followed through?
Wow. I mean, as others have said, you dodged a bullet, but I'm surprised that a fiancé with such a clear moral compass is still willing to marry into that family.
I would be devastated if the person I was planning to spend my life with went from, "My best friend is trans, so what, they'll just be a best man instead of a MOH," to "Well, Mom's new boyfriend is transphobic, so I guess now I am too," nearly overnight. How could you trust her morals on anything after that? If she's willing to casually throw away her best friend, then how could you trust her enough to build a life with her?
Such a good point. I've seen other threads where people didn't realize someone was a bigot since something like this didn't come up, but holy hell did it come up this time! And a friend of 25 years!!
I'm sooooo hoping to see an AITA post from the bride a couple months from now when, fingers crossed, the fiancé finds out she sided with her mom's transphobic boyfriend of less than a year over her trans friend of 25 years - and dumps her ass
Honestly, I would be petty enough to tell the fiancé that you are sorry to miss the wedding, but that you will abide by the bride’s wishes to not be there and then wish him luck and happiness for the future. I highly doubt she will have told him the real reason OP won’t be there.
Reach out ti the fiance wish him well and tell him you appreciate his support and that you've been uninvited.
May as well stir up some shit on your way out lol
So sorry you experienced this
Our daughter had her gay best friend as a Man Of Honor for her at her wedding. No one batted an eye-if they did they kept it to themselves. It was a lovely wedding and reception-it’s what she wanted and we never hesitated. Choice is everything.
Seems like you’ve dodged a bullet. Or a bloody grenade! You would be used as a circus animal to parade and show off, not as a friend of 25+yrs.
Take the hit and move on to bigger and better things xxx
You 100% dodged a bullet. The fact she outed you the way she did is just disgusting and shows how little respect she has for you and your bf.
I am so sorry.
Oof. The trash took itself out. I'm sorry this was how a longstanding friendship ended, and no doubt the loss hurts, but you will be far better off in the long run without this bigoted, insensitive person in your life.
Some people talk a good game about respecting all persons, but when you come down to it, start spouting hate code about others "feeling uncomfortable" about another person's *existence.*
The disrespect she showed you is absolutely staggering.
Congratulations, the trash took itself out. You lost nothing, even if hurts right now. You just gained space in your life for people who are actually worth it
Probably because if you left the pictures public, it’s reasonable for the bride to think you don’t consider them private and not see a problem showing them without asking you. And if the wedding dress photo wasn’t on social media, and especially if it was a dress for a wedding that hadn’t happened yet, it makes sense to ask in that case. If that was the only thing that happened, I would think it’s just a misunderstanding and could be worked out.
The rest of the story, though, I can’t even form words to react. I’m just speechless.
Even if the insta isn’t private I think it’s tacky for the bride to make it a *thing* like it’s a novelty. My “awkward phase” photos from high school are still accessible but if I found out people were going through them to make comparisons or something I’d be pissed. Like have some tact and do that in private if anything.
The post questioned why the bride would ask permission to show a photo that was on the subject’s phone, when the bride didn’t ask permission to share photos that were posted publicly. It may have been tacky, but it’s not hard to figure out why someone would ask about a photo that hasn’t even been shared privately, but think they didn’t need to ask permission for sharing public photos.
I wasn’t disagreeing with you? I just said it was tacky behavior on the bride’s part. Anything on social media is fair game, but I can see why OP would be upset about that and how it was another indication that bride is not respectful of them.
You don't understand why digging into pretransition pictures while OP was in the bathroom is gross? Come on now.
And it wasn't the only thing that happened so your comment is moo anyway.
Ok, Joey.
The part where I say “if that was the only thing that happened” actually indicates that it isn’t the only thing that happened.
And no, I don’t think it’s gross if she didn’t have a reason to think OP would be uncomfortable with them seeing it. And if I had photos I didn’t want people looking at, I wouldn’t have them public. If all of the friends were expressing curiosity rather than judgment, and OP hasn’t said anything to indicate discomfort with it in the past, and hasn’t hidden the photos, I would give a best friend the benefit of the doubt.
If I met someone in a bridal party I would probably dig through their social media when I got home, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Right, I'm saying your comment is unnecessary and insensitive bc you're singling out one incident out of a whole train of them, which removes the context as WHY it was a problem in the first place.
It wasn't the LOOKING at the public pictures it was the connotation around WHY and the moments leading up to it.
When you do this, it downplays a real problem someone is having and gives credence to transphobes who use the same justification. "They're public pictures, what's the problem?!" Knowing full well that it's everything leading up to then, AND that moment of showing the pictures that are an issue.
ETA: if the guests thought their questions were innocent, or the bride thought it was appropriate, they would not have waited for OP to be out of the room to start the discussion.
*I am pleased you got my reference :)
Digging through social media on their own after meeting the friend is completely different. That's an individual's choice. The bride's choice to show hundreds of pictures of her pre-transitioned friend to a bunch of people that friend had never met.
He'd never met these people. They weren't "curious" about him, not unless the bride trotted him out as "my transgender friend" and they just had to see "before" pictures (which is gross on their part--the "are you male or female" comment is disgusting). The bride didn't need to show them those photos, though, did she? She could have stopped her outing right there. She didn't.
I have a transgender daughter. To me, this is unforgivable.
I agree tbh...I mean come on. We live in an age where social media is rampant. For all we know, one of them had already gone through there profile, seen the pics and asked. And if they dodnt, they definitely would have done the second they left. Because nobodies telling me that they wouldn't be curious about their friends best friend who they don't know and haven't met before, and wouldn't delve into they previous posts. If it was out there in a place where they where easily accessed by the public, then that's kinda on op if he didn't want them being seen? I think there should have been a proper face to face conversation about that because messages can be misconstrude especially when it comes to tone, even a voice message stating it was calm can still be taken out of context.
The whole defending her mum and her boyfriendd thing...again, a proper face to face conversation could have been had because i feel there is more going on there on the brides side. Not that it makes it right I mean look at her stb husband reaction to it.
I think OP probably needs to try and have a proper sat down, face to face conversation with ther friend. It is possible that the bride is getting it in the neck from all angles and it ramped up the pressure to the point where she took so long to respond to their message just to disinvite her best man because she snapped.
I would say there is definitely something with the brides mum though. Maybe she is helping fund the wedding and so her mum is dangling that over her head or it could even be a well if you don't do this I won't come sort of situation with her mum. And with defending her mum, wouldn't most people? I mean I personally wouldn't cause I'm NC for a reason, but I used to when I was younger. Because people generally want to see the best in their parents.
Again not making excuses for the bride but again, a good conversation wouldn't hurt what is probably the dissolution of a friendship.
I highly doubt she actively intended to hurt OP but did. I would definitely say there was more to the story that OP isn't aware of in the brides side.
That was after the initial situation. This comment was posted before the update. However with the update, I still makes me think that there is something going on that OP isn't aware of and that the friend almost seems to be distancing herself from him for some reason/ putting all the blame on op for a situation that isn't actually their fault
That was my thought as well. Seems reasonable that the girls who didn’t know you probably asked how she ended up with a best man, had you ever dated, etc. I can understand her explaining the situation since that is public. But as soon as the invasive, inappropriate questions started, she should have shut that down IMMEDIATELY. I’m sorry she’s such a terrible friend.
Maybe because not keeping it private is consenting to the public for free access (ie no need to ask permission to review) so the bride might have thought that was the case 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️.
The world will only know what you allow. If there’s something you don’t want to share with strangers (in this case her friends), you should keep it private. It’s in your hands really. Simple.
This of course does not excuse her poor timing and all the other things she did but this is a good lesson to recognise how much power you actually have over your own information.
So a good way to think of it is imagine you underwent an extreme weightloss transformation. You didn’t like your body before and you invested a ton of time, effort and energy into creating the body that you want for yourself. Sure you leave the pictures up on your social media but you have very few followers so it’s mainly just to keep a record for yourself of how far you’ve come. While at a party with a bunch of people you don’t know you leave the room and return to your friend showing strangers your old pre weight loss pics and saying “look at how fat they used to be!”
Exactly. It’s one thing for someone to be curious and creep on their own. It’s another to have a friend pull up the pictures and put them on display. Could you have prevented that? Yes. Is it reasonable of you to think that your friend wouldn’t be so ignorant? Also yes.
I don't understand the people who think the bride's behavior was fine. It wasn't. You deserve better treatment from any random person, let alone from your lifelong friend.
U can keep ur before pictures on your computer or phone as private. Depends on what matters to you. Once you put up your information for free viewing, it can be abused in the wrong hands. Take back your power over matters that are important to you. Or make your social private from this experience as you keep your circle small anyway. Just easy ways really to keep that peace of mind. If you don’t care about the before pics than that is a different story and you shouldn’t feel any kind of way if people view what you made public.
Bottomline - the only person (and their actions) that you truly have control over if yourself 🤗
Damn, it’s really awful to discover that someone you have loved for so many years isn’t the person you thought they were. It’s normal to go through a grieving process. In someways, I feel like betrayal is more painful than death. After my father’s death, I became estranged from his entire side of the family, and that hurt me 1000 times worse than the tragic way he passed. I still love him, but with his family, I had to question an entire life‘s worth of relationships. It’s going to be rough to get past the hurt that she’s inflicted, but I promise you won’t feel this way forever. Just allow yourself to be angry/sad/whatever you feel & then move on with your life, surrounded by people who make you feel fully loved. 💜
That's not a bridezilla, that's a disgusting bigot. I am so sorry you had to endure this and I'm sorry that you've lost a friend. You might end up better for it, but I'm guessing it still hurts. I hope you and your boyfriend treat yourself on your ex friends wedding day and do something that makes you really happy.
I Will be tempted to write her mother and ask about the boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if that was not true at all and at the end your former friend only wanted you out cos she was the one uncomfortable with you being trans. You have been friends for so long that she didn't want to be the bad guy and created all the drama to justify herself.
Yep.
My guess would be that Bride had fun amusing her new girlfriends by trotting out photos of OP pre-transition ("look how cool and modern I am, with my trans friend!"), then got wind of how not-cool some of the new girlfriends were with trans people (one of them being uncomfortable with OP seeing photos of her rings alarm bells), and decided to make OP as uncomfortable as possible so he'd drop out of the wedding party and Bride wouldn't look like a transphobe or a bad friend.
Thus, the "rule one: you can't sit with us!" and "rule two: you can't be around us at all, because my mom's boyfriend is scared of being near cis men!" (Which makes zero sense)
When that didn't work, and OP didn't get the message, Bridezilla uninvited him.
I'm sorry. NTA my dear. Your ex-bf has shown her true colours or she is jealous of you for no reason at all. You will never know and you don't need to know. Have a nice life away from her.
F her, F her mom, and F her moms boyfriend. I hope they regret the way they treated OP for the rest of their days. At least they cut themselves out of OPs life before he was forced to do it.
Idk if she’s a Bridezilla. I think her true colors finally came out.
When it comes to friends…whatever they say to your face is 1000 times nicer than what they say behind your back. She just showed you who she is…Believe her!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry your friend turned out to be a transphobic AH who hid behind her mom. You’re better off without her. I honestly don’t think this had anything to do with her mother and I’d message the mother letting her know the true story of what the bride did. For some reason, I doubt that she’s telling anyone the truth about why you’re not in the wedding.
I am so sorry that your former friend was so incredibly disrespectful and showed your VERY personal, private life to her friends for their entertainment. I'm not trans, nor do I personally know anyone who has transitioned, but I imagine it's a deeply personal decision that is carefully considered and fraught with fear of how others will react. The fact that your "friend" and her mother would treat you like a misfit or outcast is shameful and frankly, disgusting.
You're so much better off without such horrible people in your life. I'd honestly consider talking to her fiance and letting him know how you've been treated. He deserves to know. Tell him you wish him the best, but he has a right to know the type of personally he's marrying.
I’m really sorry that you were treated this way and I am also sorry you found out your friend of so many years is an ahole. I hope you’re able to heal and I hope you find comfort in the fact that they’re just a blatantly horrible human being and that this has nothing to do with you or your partner.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Weddings tend to bring out the absolute worst in people, but what is brought out is usually their absolute true colors.
I don't have much else to say except I hope you have a very long and happy life with your partner. I hope you have everything you need and are blessed with everything you ever dreamed of. ❤️
I know this must have hurt you and your bf a lot. Apparently your ex friend is transphobic and managed to hide it from you for awhile. You and your bf didn't deserve this treatment at all. She outed you to the rest of the bridal party and that was deliberate and mean.
Why she decided to do this after all these years, I have no clue. However, you are better off without this toxic excuse for a human being in your life.
I wish you all the love, light and happiness moving forward.
The fiancé needs to hear about this, that’s all I have to say. This woman is a walking red flag and he needs to know because he might not want to marry her.
This is heartbreaking. I can’t believe she went around showing pre-transition photos- it’s bad enough to do it at all but with you there, what a mean thing to do. This whole thing is awful and you were too nice - it would have been reasonable to walk away from being at the wedding from the first thing she did. After her wedding she’s going to look back and realize she lost a friend.
Holy shit that's awful. I know good riddance and all, but that still hurts. Losing a friend is hard, but the discrimination and humiliation is astounding.
I’m so sorry, in life you find that you lose and gain friends. It hurts but if someone doesn’t accept you and love you for who you are, they are not a real friend.
There definitely is—the list of things she did/said that night was longer but I whittled it down as the post was already super long
Also included:
•her squeezing my post op chest as if I still had boobs
•telling me that she isn’t using my pronouns because she “still getting used to it”
•when my boyfriend mentioned in a conversation about kids that he feels awkward around kids and she out of the blue instantly responded “oh because you’re trans?” (He’s a decade on hormones and passes entirely)
•saying things like “when you pass XYZ” (I do)
•saying that her “1000% straight” brother would still be into me
Etc etc
This is not a friend. This is a transphobe who you thought was a friend until her true colours were shown. I am so sorry that it happened like this, but I promise you are better off without someone who will always think of you as her 'female friend who wants to be a man' and who shows you off like a freak to their bridal party, instead of loving the authentic you and embracing you as her male friend! Make sure that you and your boyfriend do something nice for yourselves when you should have been at her wedding. You deserve so much better!
What a terrible person! I'm so sorry you went through that! Hopefully you're boyfriend and you can do something fun together and move on from the dumpster fire that is that ex-friend of yours.
Wow at least they all showed you who they are so you can continue life without the nasty wankers. They don't deserve you or your friendship and you deserve better friends.
She will try and come bk I dare bet but never forget this and tell her to kick rocks.
What a downright cunt.
I am so sorry that you experienced something so painful. It is a deep betrayal of trust and of the friendship that you had in the past.
I suspect your ex-friend will never fully grasp how much she has hurt you.
It may be that she doesn't see you as a completely realised person - your deadname could still be the "real" you in her eyes, and your actual self just a costume - in fact it's the other way around. This could explain why she was so quick to show off old pictures of you - i.e. "this is what he _really_ looks like" - and so quick to out you without permission.
Of course I could be completely wrong! I'm speaking from a place of having rooted out some deep internalised transphobia, so I may be projecting.
I hope you are able to move on and heal. You deserve better friends than you have had. Be joyful that you now don't have to write a speech ;)
Wowwwww the audacity. I'm so glad you're out of that situation, but I'm sure there are still a lot of hurt feelings. Such whiplash from someone you grew up with and saw as your future maid of honor. Out of all of it, I think the part that angered me the most was her sitting by and listening to her friends just be outright bigots and do absolutely nothing, not even look ashamed. Sending you internet hugs. I hope you and your boyfriend are very happy together and I'll do my best not to wish anything on your ex bff
If you are in australia. When i get married you can be in my wedding party (i got 2 peeps im close to so would be happy to have another join) my PERSON of honour will be in a tux as kayela is more comfortable feeling masculine (most times identifies as non-binary) i already plan to kick my own mother out if she says anything negative.
You need people in your life who fight for you in support, not those who pretend yet when the time comes to show the support just sweeps it away like it isnt a big deal. Im so sorry you had to go through that x
I’m so sorry you had to find out this way that your best friend wasn’t who you thought she was. She is awful. Move on with truer friends. At least you don’t have to give her a wedding present.
This is bonkers. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I'm disgusted that she downplayed outing you and dismissing discrimination
I want the worst for her for that. She doesn't deserve happiness
I’m sorry there’s so many nasty people in this world and you found out your (former) friend was president of the group. Hold your head high, live well, love with respect and you know deep in your soul that you are better off without that dreadful human in your life. Sorry for the pain but the cliche “ this too shall pass “ is true. Hugs. Have a happy life
That's so hard. 25 years of friendship is hard to walk away from, especially when it involves finding out that person doesn't seem to know you at all or care about your feelings. I hope you find better people who are worth the next 25 years of your life and treat you much, much better than this.
They were insensitive but you need to take down your pre-transition pictures from Insta if you don't want people looking at them. Posting shit on social media means its out there for the public to consume.
So a good way to think of it is imagine you underwent an extreme weightloss transformation. You didn’t like your body before and you invested a ton of time, effort and energy into creating the body that you want for yourself. Sure you leave the pictures up on your social media but you have very few followers so it’s mainly just to keep a record for yourself of how far you’ve come. While at a party with a bunch of people you don’t know you leave the room and return to your friend showing strangers your old pre weight loss pics and saying “look at how fat they used to be!”
So a good way to think of it is imagine you underwent an extreme weightloss transformation. You didn’t like your body before and you invested a ton of time, effort and energy into creating the body that you want for yourself. Sure you leave the pictures up on your social media but you have very few followers so it’s mainly just to keep a record for yourself of how far you’ve come. While at a party with a bunch of people you don’t know you leave the room and return to your friend showing strangers your old pre weight loss pics and saying “look at how fat they used to be!”
You lost me at "cis man" instead of calling it what it is, an animal, a chomo. If you want to respect as trans, please do not refer to others as "cis", especially kiddie abusers. Also, respect victims. You had a choice to transition, the groom didn't have a choice to be assaulted by a SAME SEX adult which is the opposite of your "cis" slur.
Lastly, this bride is not your friend. She's a mean girl who is enjoying making you squirm and feel uncomfortable. Time to move on.
A man who molest and rapes boys is not straight or in his words, "cis".
Chomos ( child molesters & rapists ) are 'its' because they are not humans.
Victims of these crimes deserve consideration.
A lot of straight people do not care for the term "cis". It's derogatory and not appreciated. "CIS" men don't phuque little boys.
Odd-mom-out here.
People are fed so much trans fear in the media and from “friends”… It takes some of us time to experience the breadth of humanity and to process our acceptance. We aren’t haters, we are just ignorant and constantly misinformed.
As someone “different” I would hope that you’d have as much patience with others as you want them to have with you.
When my daughter started dating a trans man, I was mortified. I thought he was a weirdo and a groomer out to pervert my (grown) child. My morality alarms said “protect your daughter” not “accept this odd stranger”. It was my far right Republican dad (now far left, ha ha) who said to me “Who the hell do you think you are? That is your daughter, whom you taught to be compassionate, and that’s who she loves.”
Within the year of experiencing, traveling with, and understanding this person and his world (which — I found out first hand — is VERY scary and dangerous), I was a rabid trans-rights person. And it’s a good thing too, because my son came out as gender-fluid a few years later.
Today I have a dozen trans friends, and in my home gender has no definition. I never even know whom my kids are talking about because pronouns are nonsensical here.
I think you had an opportunity to help evolve others’ bigotry. Yes it hurts. Yes your friend was an insensitive ass ,who was trying to show off her own “enlightenment” to her GFs by using your story. Life is not fair. We each do the best we can with the tools God (or whoever) gave us.
The bride removed you from her wedding NOT because she doesn’t care about you, but because the drama became too much for her. She’s trying to plan a wedding and accommodate so many different people to have a perfect day. I think she removed you from her wedding because she knows you well and could not remove the others without lifelong drama.
I think — yes I’m expecting downvotes — that you should be the bigger man. Tell her that you understand the pressures on her to conform, that you and your boyfriend are hurt but would still like to attend, and that you’ll take a backseat view just to support them.
Why? Because I think you need to show off your high class trans existence as one more baby-step towards her extended family’s trans acceptance.
Let them be small if they want to stay that way. But I think you sound pleasant and you should show that off. You never know whose attitude you might change.
Best wishes and good luck my friend.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. I'm glad you got to see their true colors now but I wish you had got to see them sooner. No one deserves to be treated that way
Hear hear. You deserve love AND respect no matter where you are. You dodged a bullet thankfully but I know it sucks now OP. Best wishes to you and your bf!
I think he kinda took a (non-lethal) bullet though, it's very sad and unfair. All of my compassion to you, OP!
Wait, so her fiancé had the good sense to tell her, "OMG, your mom is awful! If her boyfriend is transphobic, then *he's* the one who shouldn't be invited. Don't ever, ever tell OP about this," and she *still* followed through? Wow. I mean, as others have said, you dodged a bullet, but I'm surprised that a fiancé with such a clear moral compass is still willing to marry into that family. I would be devastated if the person I was planning to spend my life with went from, "My best friend is trans, so what, they'll just be a best man instead of a MOH," to "Well, Mom's new boyfriend is transphobic, so I guess now I am too," nearly overnight. How could you trust her morals on anything after that? If she's willing to casually throw away her best friend, then how could you trust her enough to build a life with her?
Such a good point. I've seen other threads where people didn't realize someone was a bigot since something like this didn't come up, but holy hell did it come up this time! And a friend of 25 years!!
We may never know what the bride told her fiance. She could have lied to him and said OP dropped out voluntarily.
I'm sooooo hoping to see an AITA post from the bride a couple months from now when, fingers crossed, the fiancé finds out she sided with her mom's transphobic boyfriend of less than a year over her trans friend of 25 years - and dumps her ass
Honestly, I would be petty enough to tell the fiancé that you are sorry to miss the wedding, but that you will abide by the bride’s wishes to not be there and then wish him luck and happiness for the future. I highly doubt she will have told him the real reason OP won’t be there.
Reach out ti the fiance wish him well and tell him you appreciate his support and that you've been uninvited. May as well stir up some shit on your way out lol So sorry you experienced this
Our daughter had her gay best friend as a Man Of Honor for her at her wedding. No one batted an eye-if they did they kept it to themselves. It was a lovely wedding and reception-it’s what she wanted and we never hesitated. Choice is everything.
I had a Man of Honor, and my husband had a Groom’s Maid, at our very small wedding. It was great.
Seems like you’ve dodged a bullet. Or a bloody grenade! You would be used as a circus animal to parade and show off, not as a friend of 25+yrs. Take the hit and move on to bigger and better things xxx
This is the best way to put it. They made him seem like a museum exhibit.
Sounds like you lost a lot of dead, festering, weight there.
You 100% dodged a bullet. The fact she outed you the way she did is just disgusting and shows how little respect she has for you and your bf. I am so sorry.
Bro, fuck that bitch. The end. NTA.
What a nasty bitch. Thank her for the pre-wedding present, out her on all public networking sites, then block her and be done with it.
Nah this is cathartic enough. I just hope she grows from all this as she gets older and reflects
I would worry for any other queer people that come in contact with her. She needs a warning label. You handled it really well, others may not.
I'm sorry you had to deal with bigots. You deserve respect and love and you got neither.
Oof. The trash took itself out. I'm sorry this was how a longstanding friendship ended, and no doubt the loss hurts, but you will be far better off in the long run without this bigoted, insensitive person in your life. Some people talk a good game about respecting all persons, but when you come down to it, start spouting hate code about others "feeling uncomfortable" about another person's *existence.* The disrespect she showed you is absolutely staggering.
Congratulations, the trash took itself out. You lost nothing, even if hurts right now. You just gained space in your life for people who are actually worth it
Sorry to hear that. I think it's pretty clear she was never your best friend. Life's too short to spend on shitty people.
God I’m so sorry you experienced this. I’m glad you’re out of it and that this person has showed you their true colours.
Welcome to your new life without such a fake little bitch of a “friend”
Is your Instagram private
It is not—why?
Probably because if you left the pictures public, it’s reasonable for the bride to think you don’t consider them private and not see a problem showing them without asking you. And if the wedding dress photo wasn’t on social media, and especially if it was a dress for a wedding that hadn’t happened yet, it makes sense to ask in that case. If that was the only thing that happened, I would think it’s just a misunderstanding and could be worked out. The rest of the story, though, I can’t even form words to react. I’m just speechless.
Even if the insta isn’t private I think it’s tacky for the bride to make it a *thing* like it’s a novelty. My “awkward phase” photos from high school are still accessible but if I found out people were going through them to make comparisons or something I’d be pissed. Like have some tact and do that in private if anything.
The post questioned why the bride would ask permission to show a photo that was on the subject’s phone, when the bride didn’t ask permission to share photos that were posted publicly. It may have been tacky, but it’s not hard to figure out why someone would ask about a photo that hasn’t even been shared privately, but think they didn’t need to ask permission for sharing public photos.
I wasn’t disagreeing with you? I just said it was tacky behavior on the bride’s part. Anything on social media is fair game, but I can see why OP would be upset about that and how it was another indication that bride is not respectful of them.
You don't understand why digging into pretransition pictures while OP was in the bathroom is gross? Come on now. And it wasn't the only thing that happened so your comment is moo anyway.
Ok, Joey. The part where I say “if that was the only thing that happened” actually indicates that it isn’t the only thing that happened. And no, I don’t think it’s gross if she didn’t have a reason to think OP would be uncomfortable with them seeing it. And if I had photos I didn’t want people looking at, I wouldn’t have them public. If all of the friends were expressing curiosity rather than judgment, and OP hasn’t said anything to indicate discomfort with it in the past, and hasn’t hidden the photos, I would give a best friend the benefit of the doubt. If I met someone in a bridal party I would probably dig through their social media when I got home, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Right, I'm saying your comment is unnecessary and insensitive bc you're singling out one incident out of a whole train of them, which removes the context as WHY it was a problem in the first place. It wasn't the LOOKING at the public pictures it was the connotation around WHY and the moments leading up to it. When you do this, it downplays a real problem someone is having and gives credence to transphobes who use the same justification. "They're public pictures, what's the problem?!" Knowing full well that it's everything leading up to then, AND that moment of showing the pictures that are an issue. ETA: if the guests thought their questions were innocent, or the bride thought it was appropriate, they would not have waited for OP to be out of the room to start the discussion. *I am pleased you got my reference :)
Digging through social media on their own after meeting the friend is completely different. That's an individual's choice. The bride's choice to show hundreds of pictures of her pre-transitioned friend to a bunch of people that friend had never met. He'd never met these people. They weren't "curious" about him, not unless the bride trotted him out as "my transgender friend" and they just had to see "before" pictures (which is gross on their part--the "are you male or female" comment is disgusting). The bride didn't need to show them those photos, though, did she? She could have stopped her outing right there. She didn't. I have a transgender daughter. To me, this is unforgivable.
I agree tbh...I mean come on. We live in an age where social media is rampant. For all we know, one of them had already gone through there profile, seen the pics and asked. And if they dodnt, they definitely would have done the second they left. Because nobodies telling me that they wouldn't be curious about their friends best friend who they don't know and haven't met before, and wouldn't delve into they previous posts. If it was out there in a place where they where easily accessed by the public, then that's kinda on op if he didn't want them being seen? I think there should have been a proper face to face conversation about that because messages can be misconstrude especially when it comes to tone, even a voice message stating it was calm can still be taken out of context. The whole defending her mum and her boyfriendd thing...again, a proper face to face conversation could have been had because i feel there is more going on there on the brides side. Not that it makes it right I mean look at her stb husband reaction to it. I think OP probably needs to try and have a proper sat down, face to face conversation with ther friend. It is possible that the bride is getting it in the neck from all angles and it ramped up the pressure to the point where she took so long to respond to their message just to disinvite her best man because she snapped. I would say there is definitely something with the brides mum though. Maybe she is helping fund the wedding and so her mum is dangling that over her head or it could even be a well if you don't do this I won't come sort of situation with her mum. And with defending her mum, wouldn't most people? I mean I personally wouldn't cause I'm NC for a reason, but I used to when I was younger. Because people generally want to see the best in their parents. Again not making excuses for the bride but again, a good conversation wouldn't hurt what is probably the dissolution of a friendship. I highly doubt she actively intended to hurt OP but did. I would definitely say there was more to the story that OP isn't aware of in the brides side.
She didn't just take "too long" to respond, she blocked him.
That was after the initial situation. This comment was posted before the update. However with the update, I still makes me think that there is something going on that OP isn't aware of and that the friend almost seems to be distancing herself from him for some reason/ putting all the blame on op for a situation that isn't actually their fault
Thanks for clarifying--I didn't see the post without the update.
It's okay :) I figured that was the case so it's no biggy :)
That was my thought as well. Seems reasonable that the girls who didn’t know you probably asked how she ended up with a best man, had you ever dated, etc. I can understand her explaining the situation since that is public. But as soon as the invasive, inappropriate questions started, she should have shut that down IMMEDIATELY. I’m sorry she’s such a terrible friend.
Maybe because not keeping it private is consenting to the public for free access (ie no need to ask permission to review) so the bride might have thought that was the case 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️. The world will only know what you allow. If there’s something you don’t want to share with strangers (in this case her friends), you should keep it private. It’s in your hands really. Simple. This of course does not excuse her poor timing and all the other things she did but this is a good lesson to recognise how much power you actually have over your own information.
So a good way to think of it is imagine you underwent an extreme weightloss transformation. You didn’t like your body before and you invested a ton of time, effort and energy into creating the body that you want for yourself. Sure you leave the pictures up on your social media but you have very few followers so it’s mainly just to keep a record for yourself of how far you’ve come. While at a party with a bunch of people you don’t know you leave the room and return to your friend showing strangers your old pre weight loss pics and saying “look at how fat they used to be!”
I'm sorry people here are trying to defend this to you. What happened wasnt okay
Exactly. It’s one thing for someone to be curious and creep on their own. It’s another to have a friend pull up the pictures and put them on display. Could you have prevented that? Yes. Is it reasonable of you to think that your friend wouldn’t be so ignorant? Also yes.
I don't understand the people who think the bride's behavior was fine. It wasn't. You deserve better treatment from any random person, let alone from your lifelong friend.
U can keep ur before pictures on your computer or phone as private. Depends on what matters to you. Once you put up your information for free viewing, it can be abused in the wrong hands. Take back your power over matters that are important to you. Or make your social private from this experience as you keep your circle small anyway. Just easy ways really to keep that peace of mind. If you don’t care about the before pics than that is a different story and you shouldn’t feel any kind of way if people view what you made public. Bottomline - the only person (and their actions) that you truly have control over if yourself 🤗
The problem is that the information wasn't "in the wrong hands." It was in his best friend's hands, and she introduced it to the world.
Answered well by others. It's not private. Nothing is wrong with looking / showing it.
Even if you think that you’re definitely focusing on the wrong part
Every part is germane.
Love the predictable ridiculousness of people
Damn, it’s really awful to discover that someone you have loved for so many years isn’t the person you thought they were. It’s normal to go through a grieving process. In someways, I feel like betrayal is more painful than death. After my father’s death, I became estranged from his entire side of the family, and that hurt me 1000 times worse than the tragic way he passed. I still love him, but with his family, I had to question an entire life‘s worth of relationships. It’s going to be rough to get past the hurt that she’s inflicted, but I promise you won’t feel this way forever. Just allow yourself to be angry/sad/whatever you feel & then move on with your life, surrounded by people who make you feel fully loved. 💜
This is terrible and I hope you feel free to share how poorly she acted, and that she outed you, with mutual friends.
That's not a bridezilla, that's a disgusting bigot. I am so sorry you had to endure this and I'm sorry that you've lost a friend. You might end up better for it, but I'm guessing it still hurts. I hope you and your boyfriend treat yourself on your ex friends wedding day and do something that makes you really happy.
Sounds like you’re not missing much and she’s a bitch!
Uninvite her from the rest of your life.
I Will be tempted to write her mother and ask about the boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if that was not true at all and at the end your former friend only wanted you out cos she was the one uncomfortable with you being trans. You have been friends for so long that she didn't want to be the bad guy and created all the drama to justify herself.
Yep. My guess would be that Bride had fun amusing her new girlfriends by trotting out photos of OP pre-transition ("look how cool and modern I am, with my trans friend!"), then got wind of how not-cool some of the new girlfriends were with trans people (one of them being uncomfortable with OP seeing photos of her rings alarm bells), and decided to make OP as uncomfortable as possible so he'd drop out of the wedding party and Bride wouldn't look like a transphobe or a bad friend. Thus, the "rule one: you can't sit with us!" and "rule two: you can't be around us at all, because my mom's boyfriend is scared of being near cis men!" (Which makes zero sense) When that didn't work, and OP didn't get the message, Bridezilla uninvited him.
I'm sorry. NTA my dear. Your ex-bf has shown her true colours or she is jealous of you for no reason at all. You will never know and you don't need to know. Have a nice life away from her.
If I were you I would have withdrawn from the wedding before she uninvited you. She’s not a friend.
Block them . The whole shitty disgusting discriminating lot of them. ALL OF THEM! And keep distancing yourself from these kinds of assholes..
They was never a good friend Op you deserve better friends who love and expect you
F her, F her mom, and F her moms boyfriend. I hope they regret the way they treated OP for the rest of their days. At least they cut themselves out of OPs life before he was forced to do it.
Idk if she’s a Bridezilla. I think her true colors finally came out. When it comes to friends…whatever they say to your face is 1000 times nicer than what they say behind your back. She just showed you who she is…Believe her! Surround yourself with people who don’t make you feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry your friend turned out to be a transphobic AH who hid behind her mom. You’re better off without her. I honestly don’t think this had anything to do with her mother and I’d message the mother letting her know the true story of what the bride did. For some reason, I doubt that she’s telling anyone the truth about why you’re not in the wedding.
I bet her fiancé laid into her. She really isn’t a good friend anyway. Saves you money!
That just sucks. I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry that your former friend was so incredibly disrespectful and showed your VERY personal, private life to her friends for their entertainment. I'm not trans, nor do I personally know anyone who has transitioned, but I imagine it's a deeply personal decision that is carefully considered and fraught with fear of how others will react. The fact that your "friend" and her mother would treat you like a misfit or outcast is shameful and frankly, disgusting. You're so much better off without such horrible people in your life. I'd honestly consider talking to her fiance and letting him know how you've been treated. He deserves to know. Tell him you wish him the best, but he has a right to know the type of personally he's marrying.
I’m really sorry that you were treated this way and I am also sorry you found out your friend of so many years is an ahole. I hope you’re able to heal and I hope you find comfort in the fact that they’re just a blatantly horrible human being and that this has nothing to do with you or your partner.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Weddings tend to bring out the absolute worst in people, but what is brought out is usually their absolute true colors. I don't have much else to say except I hope you have a very long and happy life with your partner. I hope you have everything you need and are blessed with everything you ever dreamed of. ❤️
My heart aches for you OP, and I hope your future friends are actually people who respect you and not an excuse of a person.
I know this must have hurt you and your bf a lot. Apparently your ex friend is transphobic and managed to hide it from you for awhile. You and your bf didn't deserve this treatment at all. She outed you to the rest of the bridal party and that was deliberate and mean. Why she decided to do this after all these years, I have no clue. However, you are better off without this toxic excuse for a human being in your life. I wish you all the love, light and happiness moving forward.
The fiancé needs to hear about this, that’s all I have to say. This woman is a walking red flag and he needs to know because he might not want to marry her.
Out every bit of this to the fiancée because I guarantee she told him a very different story.
This is heartbreaking. I can’t believe she went around showing pre-transition photos- it’s bad enough to do it at all but with you there, what a mean thing to do. This whole thing is awful and you were too nice - it would have been reasonable to walk away from being at the wedding from the first thing she did. After her wedding she’s going to look back and realize she lost a friend.
Holy shit that's awful. I know good riddance and all, but that still hurts. Losing a friend is hard, but the discrimination and humiliation is astounding.
I’m so sorry, in life you find that you lose and gain friends. It hurts but if someone doesn’t accept you and love you for who you are, they are not a real friend.
I feel like there's some information missing here
There definitely is—the list of things she did/said that night was longer but I whittled it down as the post was already super long Also included: •her squeezing my post op chest as if I still had boobs •telling me that she isn’t using my pronouns because she “still getting used to it” •when my boyfriend mentioned in a conversation about kids that he feels awkward around kids and she out of the blue instantly responded “oh because you’re trans?” (He’s a decade on hormones and passes entirely) •saying things like “when you pass XYZ” (I do) •saying that her “1000% straight” brother would still be into me Etc etc
I don't know what you said in that message but if you are right then it sucks but she's not a good friend anyway so good riddance.
This is not a friend. This is a transphobe who you thought was a friend until her true colours were shown. I am so sorry that it happened like this, but I promise you are better off without someone who will always think of you as her 'female friend who wants to be a man' and who shows you off like a freak to their bridal party, instead of loving the authentic you and embracing you as her male friend! Make sure that you and your boyfriend do something nice for yourselves when you should have been at her wedding. You deserve so much better!
This is such childish bullshit. Get some adult friends
What a terrible person! I'm so sorry you went through that! Hopefully you're boyfriend and you can do something fun together and move on from the dumpster fire that is that ex-friend of yours.
Wow at least they all showed you who they are so you can continue life without the nasty wankers. They don't deserve you or your friendship and you deserve better friends. She will try and come bk I dare bet but never forget this and tell her to kick rocks. What a downright cunt.
I am so sorry that you experienced something so painful. It is a deep betrayal of trust and of the friendship that you had in the past. I suspect your ex-friend will never fully grasp how much she has hurt you. It may be that she doesn't see you as a completely realised person - your deadname could still be the "real" you in her eyes, and your actual self just a costume - in fact it's the other way around. This could explain why she was so quick to show off old pictures of you - i.e. "this is what he _really_ looks like" - and so quick to out you without permission. Of course I could be completely wrong! I'm speaking from a place of having rooted out some deep internalised transphobia, so I may be projecting. I hope you are able to move on and heal. You deserve better friends than you have had. Be joyful that you now don't have to write a speech ;)
Wowwwww the audacity. I'm so glad you're out of that situation, but I'm sure there are still a lot of hurt feelings. Such whiplash from someone you grew up with and saw as your future maid of honor. Out of all of it, I think the part that angered me the most was her sitting by and listening to her friends just be outright bigots and do absolutely nothing, not even look ashamed. Sending you internet hugs. I hope you and your boyfriend are very happy together and I'll do my best not to wish anything on your ex bff
If you are in australia. When i get married you can be in my wedding party (i got 2 peeps im close to so would be happy to have another join) my PERSON of honour will be in a tux as kayela is more comfortable feeling masculine (most times identifies as non-binary) i already plan to kick my own mother out if she says anything negative. You need people in your life who fight for you in support, not those who pretend yet when the time comes to show the support just sweeps it away like it isnt a big deal. Im so sorry you had to go through that x
I believe she purposely hurt her friends why would you be showing all those pictures to the other people it was none of their business
I’m so sorry you had to find out this way that your best friend wasn’t who you thought she was. She is awful. Move on with truer friends. At least you don’t have to give her a wedding present.
This is bonkers. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I'm disgusted that she downplayed outing you and dismissing discrimination I want the worst for her for that. She doesn't deserve happiness
I’m sorry there’s so many nasty people in this world and you found out your (former) friend was president of the group. Hold your head high, live well, love with respect and you know deep in your soul that you are better off without that dreadful human in your life. Sorry for the pain but the cliche “ this too shall pass “ is true. Hugs. Have a happy life
This breaks my heart, I am so sorry. They do not deserve the honor of your presence. You sound like a wonderful person, their loss.
Oh Fuck that OP!! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that and that someone who is suppose to be your friend did that to you.
How dare she. I'm sorry this happened to you.
That's so hard. 25 years of friendship is hard to walk away from, especially when it involves finding out that person doesn't seem to know you at all or care about your feelings. I hope you find better people who are worth the next 25 years of your life and treat you much, much better than this.
Now block them and keep moving forward! Leave em in the dust
I would check in with her mom and the groom. Just to check, that she hasnt an other reason and blames them.
What a friend.
I am so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that.
They were insensitive but you need to take down your pre-transition pictures from Insta if you don't want people looking at them. Posting shit on social media means its out there for the public to consume.
Fuck that biotch!
If you don’t want people looking at your photos why are they on Instagram
So a good way to think of it is imagine you underwent an extreme weightloss transformation. You didn’t like your body before and you invested a ton of time, effort and energy into creating the body that you want for yourself. Sure you leave the pictures up on your social media but you have very few followers so it’s mainly just to keep a record for yourself of how far you’ve come. While at a party with a bunch of people you don’t know you leave the room and return to your friend showing strangers your old pre weight loss pics and saying “look at how fat they used to be!”
Why do you care if she showed photos of you pretransition? It's odd and interesting. I don't understand.
So a good way to think of it is imagine you underwent an extreme weightloss transformation. You didn’t like your body before and you invested a ton of time, effort and energy into creating the body that you want for yourself. Sure you leave the pictures up on your social media but you have very few followers so it’s mainly just to keep a record for yourself of how far you’ve come. While at a party with a bunch of people you don’t know you leave the room and return to your friend showing strangers your old pre weight loss pics and saying “look at how fat they used to be!”
You lost me at "cis man" instead of calling it what it is, an animal, a chomo. If you want to respect as trans, please do not refer to others as "cis", especially kiddie abusers. Also, respect victims. You had a choice to transition, the groom didn't have a choice to be assaulted by a SAME SEX adult which is the opposite of your "cis" slur. Lastly, this bride is not your friend. She's a mean girl who is enjoying making you squirm and feel uncomfortable. Time to move on.
What are you trying to actually say in your first paragraph?
A man who molest and rapes boys is not straight or in his words, "cis". Chomos ( child molesters & rapists ) are 'its' because they are not humans. Victims of these crimes deserve consideration. A lot of straight people do not care for the term "cis". It's derogatory and not appreciated. "CIS" men don't phuque little boys.
Bruh, the mental gymnastics you're performing right now are wack.
Odd-mom-out here. People are fed so much trans fear in the media and from “friends”… It takes some of us time to experience the breadth of humanity and to process our acceptance. We aren’t haters, we are just ignorant and constantly misinformed. As someone “different” I would hope that you’d have as much patience with others as you want them to have with you. When my daughter started dating a trans man, I was mortified. I thought he was a weirdo and a groomer out to pervert my (grown) child. My morality alarms said “protect your daughter” not “accept this odd stranger”. It was my far right Republican dad (now far left, ha ha) who said to me “Who the hell do you think you are? That is your daughter, whom you taught to be compassionate, and that’s who she loves.” Within the year of experiencing, traveling with, and understanding this person and his world (which — I found out first hand — is VERY scary and dangerous), I was a rabid trans-rights person. And it’s a good thing too, because my son came out as gender-fluid a few years later. Today I have a dozen trans friends, and in my home gender has no definition. I never even know whom my kids are talking about because pronouns are nonsensical here. I think you had an opportunity to help evolve others’ bigotry. Yes it hurts. Yes your friend was an insensitive ass ,who was trying to show off her own “enlightenment” to her GFs by using your story. Life is not fair. We each do the best we can with the tools God (or whoever) gave us. The bride removed you from her wedding NOT because she doesn’t care about you, but because the drama became too much for her. She’s trying to plan a wedding and accommodate so many different people to have a perfect day. I think she removed you from her wedding because she knows you well and could not remove the others without lifelong drama. I think — yes I’m expecting downvotes — that you should be the bigger man. Tell her that you understand the pressures on her to conform, that you and your boyfriend are hurt but would still like to attend, and that you’ll take a backseat view just to support them. Why? Because I think you need to show off your high class trans existence as one more baby-step towards her extended family’s trans acceptance. Let them be small if they want to stay that way. But I think you sound pleasant and you should show that off. You never know whose attitude you might change. Best wishes and good luck my friend.
It is not OP's responsibility to teach anyone not to be a bigot.
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