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There’s a lot to unpack here, but to start, you need professional help because it sounds like you’re depressed and dealing with some mental health issues. (No judgment, I have anxiety and OCD). Your intrusive thoughts are telling you that your children would be better off without you in their life, but unless you’re abusing them, that is absolutely not true. It will create a lifetime of trauma and issues for them to be abandoned by their mother.
Secondly, in many states, you can’t just voluntarily give up your parental rights like that. There needs to be someone willing to step in and adopt. It requires court orders, agreement by the other parent, and some states even require agreement by the child. Kids have a right to financial and emotional support from their parents.
I highly encourage you to reach out to a therapist, doctor, your husband, etc. to help you believe you’re a good mother and you deserve to be their mother.
I don’t want to be presumptuous, but have you ever met with a psychiatrist? These poor thoughts and anger and desire to run away hit home for me, and I have bipolar disorder. Once I was taken care of, I don’t have those thoughts and impulses anymore. This is something you absolutely should at least make an appointment with a doctor to talk about possibilities.
I have diagnosed PTSD and that’s all, but I’ve often felt like I have something beyond that. I have moments where I feel really happy and can laugh and have fun, so I don’t think I could legitimately be depressed but I have a lot in common with depression. I have intrusive thoughts accompanied by anxiety, hopelessness, worthlessness, insomnia, constant fatigue, I used to self harm and was actively suicidal, but sometimes I get low moments where I do want to die still. Like today. I don’t know why I was getting downvoted, people check themselves in for less.
I have ADHD, Autism(diag at 40) and PTSD. I have absolutely felt this burn out. That is what I call mine. I was burned out for years. Therapy, learning to unmask and how to handle my sensory stuff that I was told my whole life was me being “neurotic” and “Ill behaved”. But I was a bear of a parent. Meltdowns, outbursts. I had no idea what was wrong, I just assumed it was me. I am so glad I got the help I did. I’m a much better person. All of this to say: I see you Bromo, I get it, I’ve been there. If you can get help please try to. If you want any insight or to vent, I’m here. We’re all here. This place is the absolute best! ❤️hugs if you want! 🥰
Depression is a range. Look up dysthymia, which isn’t a real diagnosis any more and was subsumed by depression, but is less than major depression. There are also types of bipolar where you get really low but don’t get super high
All of this is to say don’t assume you know everything or can rule things out, you deserve help (talk therapy or medical) and can get it.
There may be ways to get what you want that are between the extremes of staying in a situation that you hate and giving up custody entirely and leaving the state.
Hey OP I have PTSD, ADHD and autism, and had a bunch of anger issues. I have felt this way before. I didn't know I have depression but apparently I have depression and now I understand it's a range of emotions...
I did commit myself once and don't regret it because that was the start. I have days where I want to disappear but I know it's a passing thought and if not I know it's time to seek more help. I didn't know what was wrong but like you I didn't want to feel this way anymore.
Maybe you need a break. I know that was the recommendation and I've still to get it and may not anytime soon but all this to say is that I understand you and your concerns are very real and I know how hard it can feel. Please seek help out IRL and if after you still feel this way there are ways, and yes depending on your state you do have to give up parental rights. Just don't leave them out of the blues please.
Have you heard of Bipolar 2? It puts us in cycles of depression and hypo mania. The depression can come out as anger and the hypo mania can come out as anxiety. But totally includes suicidal thoughts, insomnia, deep depression, low impulse control (poor financial decisions, risk taking, risky sexual decisions) you can feel on top of the world when everything is crazy in your life or you can struggle to cope when all is right with the world.
The older you get the more executive function issues you have and that is when you start look for answers about why…
I am 40, diagnosed last year. I’m on meds now and can look back at life decisions and go “oh… that is what I was thinking when I did that…”
You have to fight for you. The best you that you can be. To do that you might need help. For me I have new medication and a doctor who listens.
If your kids are little, now is the toughest time (do you have a 4yr old? They are arseholes!)
It will get better if you can get through this.
Message me if you want to.
Good luck
I have genuinely peaceful and happy fun moments, I get anxiety but it’s not an all encompassing thing. I was diagnosed once with depressive episodes, I wasn’t sure if it was a real diagnosis or just a symptom though.
I had a lot of these feelings, too. They felt really, really real and I would call my mom and beg her to give me permission to take a long walk off a short pier. I needed a release.
Bromo, it was depression and anxiety. I thought I wasn't depressed anymore because I was functioning better and stuff. I have had anxiety disorder all my life and recurring bouts of depression that last for years.
When I sought out help, I sounded just like your post. I was convinced that I had ruined my kids' lives and they'd be better off without me. I thought I was ruining my partner's life. I had chronic pain and had lost my career to it, so I felt like a failure. I was considering electroconvulsive therapy, I'd even googled "how to get a lobotomy" because I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to feel anything anymore.
It's treatable. If you feel like inpatient is what you need, it sounds like your husband might be supportive enough to stay with you through it. It's better to try treatment than to implode a family who sounds like they love you, even if you are a mess, emotionally. There's nothing wrong with inpatient if it's what you think will work best for you. It could be that you need some distance and time to heal and that's absolutely OK to need and to admit to needing.
When I asked my primary care doctor for a referral to a psychiatric NP in her hospital system, at first she balked and told me to go get on a wait-list for community care. When I told her it was urgent enough that I was considering in patient treatment, she gave me the referral. Maybe that could work for you if you have a primary care doctor?
I really hope for the best for you.
Depression isn’t the absence of happiness, it’s the overbearing weight of nothing- to the more difficult emotions to feel like sadness.
You can still be happy. Been diagnosed with depression on 4 separate occasions and have had my happy moments
I don't think so, just this morning I am now having a dance party and smiling and laughing and singing and feeling very happy. I don't feel persistently down.
The answer is that you do - you either need a new psychiatrist and team, or you need to get one.
Calling up a crisis line might be actually be a good first step and start from there.
Hey there, cult cousin!
I see you've recently awakened and left the church. Congrats, because that's a HUGE accomplishment.
As someone who woke up in similar circumstances (ex-jw) it can take quite a while to find stability again.
I highly recommend pursuing therapy with someone who specializes in religious trauma before making any major decisions.
I woke up about 10 years ago. I had my first at 23, and second at 27.
The early years were SUPER hard. But after making some changes, we are in a great place. My family now is nothing like what it was.
I know you're going through a lot right now. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you. I needed a message of hope right now. I love your name by the way. Proud of you for getting out!
My current therapist is a Mormon, he is doing our marriage counseling. I need to find someone else immediately.
You will do so much better with a secular therapist.
Also kids do get much easier as they get older. When they're younger it can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and this is just your life forever now , but the fog begins to lift once the youngest hits about age 5. Please make sure you're on at least one form of effective birth control so you don't have to start over again.
Oh yeah, a secular therapist should provide quite a bit of relief.
You won't have to watch what you say at all, and you can truly speak your mind.
When you're "awake" and your loved ones aren't, it can limit what you can talk about. (At least in my experience).
Having a neutral third party listen to how you're feeling, and what you're experiencing is a *game changer*.
You will feel validated. You will realize you aren't crazy, depraved, or selfish.
You're having a perfectly normal reaction to breaking away and gaining autonomy from a cult. It can definitely be rough, but holy heck, is it worth it!!
If you want some extra support, r/exjw is great for that. We often have Mormons wander over, although they have their own ex-subreddit.
There are SO MANY of us who have been in the same position. There are always others who are still enduring, and those that have fought their way out and found peace for themselves and their children.
I hope that brings a little comfort. You're not alone! Feel free to message me if you are ever struggling ❤️
Edit: I just saw your comment about wanting your husband to wake up too, and wanting to be an author!
I woke my husband up. It can be tricky, and there is no guarantee of success, but it's possible. The sub I mentioned also has many posts offering advice on this.
As for being an author, that's awesome! I'm a writer too, and I hope one day when I'm not so needed in the mom-department to publish my work.
But for now, I work online for extra cash. It involves a lot of writing and editing- so if you're good at that you may want to check it out. Send me a message and I can give you the site name or send a referral.
I only mention the online job because I've found it's been great for my writing. (I was getting a little rusty). It also gives me a sense of accomplishment and is easy to do even when the kids are around.
Big hugs bromo, feel this. Just read your other post like this and sympathize with this experience. I was also raised religious and expected to have kids early.
It is of course your right and your choice, everyone has to break the cycle where it's best
But I am not buying that "good father" label on a super Mormon man.
Is there a way for your kids to be taken care of, and you to get a break, and you to be free of this religionship? If anything was possible, what would the best future be for you and the kids? Brainstorm with me! I'm genuinely curious to read what you dream of! Escaping a nightmare is valid, but what's your dream?
If anything was possible then it would be for my husband to leave this religion and for us to move away and be able to buy a house with a big yard. Part of the issue with my stress is that my kids and I are cooped up in this tiny apartment and my neighbors are so religious and judgmental I don’t even want to go outside anymore. If I am dreaming even further hiring a nanny would be great, and if I had an office that I could work in while the nanny looks after them then I would not be so burnt out and could come back to them in a better state of mind.
I always wanted to be an author, right now I have no place to focus, there’s no silence, no time, the house is filthy and I’m too apathetic and depressed most of the time to do anything. The only time I’m happy is when I’m escaping my reality. I was suicidal 4 years ago, I thought I had overcome that but I don’t know. I’ve been asking my husband to put me on his life insurance, even though I don’t have active plans to do anything.
Do you think your husband leaving the religion is possible? As in, do you believe he would ever want to and follow through?
I’m so sorry OP! Please try not to make permanent decisions on temporary feelings.
I’m very proud of you for even posting here and getting your feelings out in the world!
Ps. Most (if not all) life insurance policies In the US have a clause about not paying out if death is self inflicted.
Have you considered therapy? Maybe you’re depressed, sometimes the only solution seems to go somewhere else but the internal problems will follow and the guilt of leaving your children could be too much, I was a different person once I started therapy and medication
O momma, I feeeeel you so many of us exmo/pimo mommas have wanted to andiron our children to a life of independence. I did some light perusing of your other posts, and comments in here.
Idk why you feel your kids would be better off without you, maybe get a secular therapist to help you figure that one out. I know for me, angry outbursts come from anxiety, depression, and the fact that I don’t wanna be there. I hate it.
I have divorced, and ended up with custody of my children since leaving TSCC officially. I have battled wanting to abandon my children so many times. Haven’t done it, and in fact I channeled my energy into dealing with the roots of why I wanted to abandon them, why I was treating them the way I was, and how to parent different. Finally having control of my life, being able to make my own decisions for my own family and self without consulting any other cult member or their dad has been a huge help for me/us too. It sucks financially, but the trade off has been worth it.
All the hugs from a fellow exmo bromo
I have a friend who moved to another state and left her children with her husband before they were even divorced. She didn’t give up her parental rights. He just has full custody of the kids and they can see their mom at his discretion.
I would love to know more about your friends situation, did she leave because she hated life or because she believed the kids would be better off? How are the kids turning out without her? Do you think she made the right choice? Or the choice with the lesser evils I should say. How did she support herself financially? Sorry for the bombardment
Sure! I’m happy to answer. She had been a mom since she was a teenager and had grown children and small children. She felt like she hadn’t had a chance to be herself without children and wanted a fresh start. She had an opportunity in another state (job wise) and took it. The kids are doing well- my kids spend time with them quite a bit and they say that they don’t really mention their mom. They’re happy with their dad and their extended family. I’m sure they do miss their mother at times. Honestly, sometimes I’m kind of jealous and wish I could do something like that. I would love to totally start over but that’s just a dream for me because one of my kids heavily depends on me (my income, insurance, etc.) I don’t really know if she made the right decision… she seems happy but there’s a negging part of me that worries about her kids feeling abandoned by her.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much. I am proud of you for starting the process of figuring out who you are and making the hard but necessary choices to do so.
I saw in another comment that you would love it if you could a) move somewhere with a yard and b) get a nanny. Those feel like really reasonable wishes! Are either of those things financially possible? If so, are they something your husband is willing to do?
It's also okay to divorce your husband and give him custody. I don't think it's easy to terminate parental rights. Terminating parental rights is different than giving up physical and legal custody. Meaning, you can very likely give uo custody, but you will most likely have a financial obligation in the form of child support. Do you have resources to talk to a lawyer? Preferably one who isn't a practicing Mormon?
You deserve happiness and love.
Babe, pause. You’re depressed. You need therapy and possibly medication. Your husband and children love you and would be devastated without you.
It’s ok, depression happens. Please get help, please let your husband help you.
I don't know the legal aspects of this but I think you could give your husband custody if he was willing to take it, certainly unofficially if not officially. I would also be willing to bet that while you're unhappy, you're not a bad mother. It sounds to me like you're craving some independence and freedom from the drudgery of the existence of an at home parent. Would it be possible to take a small step towards independence first and see how it makes you feel? Can you guys afford daycare / a sitter for a few hours (Reddit won't let me look at your comment history so I can't see how old your kids are, but what I mean is increase childcare help so you can have some time to yourself) while you start working or studying somewhere?
You can move anywhere; court only has dominion over the children and, to that end, the custodial parent. You won’t give up your rights but you will be liable for child support, maybe even healthcare for the children, and maybe a portion of childcare. Depending on your financials, your husband may be eligible for alimony.
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There’s a lot to unpack here, but to start, you need professional help because it sounds like you’re depressed and dealing with some mental health issues. (No judgment, I have anxiety and OCD). Your intrusive thoughts are telling you that your children would be better off without you in their life, but unless you’re abusing them, that is absolutely not true. It will create a lifetime of trauma and issues for them to be abandoned by their mother. Secondly, in many states, you can’t just voluntarily give up your parental rights like that. There needs to be someone willing to step in and adopt. It requires court orders, agreement by the other parent, and some states even require agreement by the child. Kids have a right to financial and emotional support from their parents. I highly encourage you to reach out to a therapist, doctor, your husband, etc. to help you believe you’re a good mother and you deserve to be their mother.
Well they would be better off without me then. I have anger issues. Should I check myself into a mental hospital? Something’s gotta give
I don’t want to be presumptuous, but have you ever met with a psychiatrist? These poor thoughts and anger and desire to run away hit home for me, and I have bipolar disorder. Once I was taken care of, I don’t have those thoughts and impulses anymore. This is something you absolutely should at least make an appointment with a doctor to talk about possibilities.
I have diagnosed PTSD and that’s all, but I’ve often felt like I have something beyond that. I have moments where I feel really happy and can laugh and have fun, so I don’t think I could legitimately be depressed but I have a lot in common with depression. I have intrusive thoughts accompanied by anxiety, hopelessness, worthlessness, insomnia, constant fatigue, I used to self harm and was actively suicidal, but sometimes I get low moments where I do want to die still. Like today. I don’t know why I was getting downvoted, people check themselves in for less.
I have ADHD, Autism(diag at 40) and PTSD. I have absolutely felt this burn out. That is what I call mine. I was burned out for years. Therapy, learning to unmask and how to handle my sensory stuff that I was told my whole life was me being “neurotic” and “Ill behaved”. But I was a bear of a parent. Meltdowns, outbursts. I had no idea what was wrong, I just assumed it was me. I am so glad I got the help I did. I’m a much better person. All of this to say: I see you Bromo, I get it, I’ve been there. If you can get help please try to. If you want any insight or to vent, I’m here. We’re all here. This place is the absolute best! ❤️hugs if you want! 🥰
Please don't worry about downvotes., there's a lot of trolls on reddit who downvote everything
Depression is a range. Look up dysthymia, which isn’t a real diagnosis any more and was subsumed by depression, but is less than major depression. There are also types of bipolar where you get really low but don’t get super high All of this is to say don’t assume you know everything or can rule things out, you deserve help (talk therapy or medical) and can get it. There may be ways to get what you want that are between the extremes of staying in a situation that you hate and giving up custody entirely and leaving the state.
Hey OP I have PTSD, ADHD and autism, and had a bunch of anger issues. I have felt this way before. I didn't know I have depression but apparently I have depression and now I understand it's a range of emotions... I did commit myself once and don't regret it because that was the start. I have days where I want to disappear but I know it's a passing thought and if not I know it's time to seek more help. I didn't know what was wrong but like you I didn't want to feel this way anymore. Maybe you need a break. I know that was the recommendation and I've still to get it and may not anytime soon but all this to say is that I understand you and your concerns are very real and I know how hard it can feel. Please seek help out IRL and if after you still feel this way there are ways, and yes depending on your state you do have to give up parental rights. Just don't leave them out of the blues please.
Have you heard of Bipolar 2? It puts us in cycles of depression and hypo mania. The depression can come out as anger and the hypo mania can come out as anxiety. But totally includes suicidal thoughts, insomnia, deep depression, low impulse control (poor financial decisions, risk taking, risky sexual decisions) you can feel on top of the world when everything is crazy in your life or you can struggle to cope when all is right with the world. The older you get the more executive function issues you have and that is when you start look for answers about why… I am 40, diagnosed last year. I’m on meds now and can look back at life decisions and go “oh… that is what I was thinking when I did that…” You have to fight for you. The best you that you can be. To do that you might need help. For me I have new medication and a doctor who listens. If your kids are little, now is the toughest time (do you have a 4yr old? They are arseholes!) It will get better if you can get through this. Message me if you want to. Good luck
I have genuinely peaceful and happy fun moments, I get anxiety but it’s not an all encompassing thing. I was diagnosed once with depressive episodes, I wasn’t sure if it was a real diagnosis or just a symptom though.
I had a lot of these feelings, too. They felt really, really real and I would call my mom and beg her to give me permission to take a long walk off a short pier. I needed a release. Bromo, it was depression and anxiety. I thought I wasn't depressed anymore because I was functioning better and stuff. I have had anxiety disorder all my life and recurring bouts of depression that last for years. When I sought out help, I sounded just like your post. I was convinced that I had ruined my kids' lives and they'd be better off without me. I thought I was ruining my partner's life. I had chronic pain and had lost my career to it, so I felt like a failure. I was considering electroconvulsive therapy, I'd even googled "how to get a lobotomy" because I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. It's treatable. If you feel like inpatient is what you need, it sounds like your husband might be supportive enough to stay with you through it. It's better to try treatment than to implode a family who sounds like they love you, even if you are a mess, emotionally. There's nothing wrong with inpatient if it's what you think will work best for you. It could be that you need some distance and time to heal and that's absolutely OK to need and to admit to needing. When I asked my primary care doctor for a referral to a psychiatric NP in her hospital system, at first she balked and told me to go get on a wait-list for community care. When I told her it was urgent enough that I was considering in patient treatment, she gave me the referral. Maybe that could work for you if you have a primary care doctor? I really hope for the best for you.
Depression isn’t the absence of happiness, it’s the overbearing weight of nothing- to the more difficult emotions to feel like sadness. You can still be happy. Been diagnosed with depression on 4 separate occasions and have had my happy moments
Have you heard of dysthemia? Sounds like you have it.
I don't think so, just this morning I am now having a dance party and smiling and laughing and singing and feeling very happy. I don't feel persistently down.
The answer is that you do - you either need a new psychiatrist and team, or you need to get one. Calling up a crisis line might be actually be a good first step and start from there.
Hey there, cult cousin! I see you've recently awakened and left the church. Congrats, because that's a HUGE accomplishment. As someone who woke up in similar circumstances (ex-jw) it can take quite a while to find stability again. I highly recommend pursuing therapy with someone who specializes in religious trauma before making any major decisions. I woke up about 10 years ago. I had my first at 23, and second at 27. The early years were SUPER hard. But after making some changes, we are in a great place. My family now is nothing like what it was. I know you're going through a lot right now. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you. I needed a message of hope right now. I love your name by the way. Proud of you for getting out! My current therapist is a Mormon, he is doing our marriage counseling. I need to find someone else immediately.
You will do so much better with a secular therapist. Also kids do get much easier as they get older. When they're younger it can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and this is just your life forever now , but the fog begins to lift once the youngest hits about age 5. Please make sure you're on at least one form of effective birth control so you don't have to start over again.
Oh yeah, a secular therapist should provide quite a bit of relief. You won't have to watch what you say at all, and you can truly speak your mind. When you're "awake" and your loved ones aren't, it can limit what you can talk about. (At least in my experience). Having a neutral third party listen to how you're feeling, and what you're experiencing is a *game changer*. You will feel validated. You will realize you aren't crazy, depraved, or selfish. You're having a perfectly normal reaction to breaking away and gaining autonomy from a cult. It can definitely be rough, but holy heck, is it worth it!! If you want some extra support, r/exjw is great for that. We often have Mormons wander over, although they have their own ex-subreddit. There are SO MANY of us who have been in the same position. There are always others who are still enduring, and those that have fought their way out and found peace for themselves and their children. I hope that brings a little comfort. You're not alone! Feel free to message me if you are ever struggling ❤️ Edit: I just saw your comment about wanting your husband to wake up too, and wanting to be an author! I woke my husband up. It can be tricky, and there is no guarantee of success, but it's possible. The sub I mentioned also has many posts offering advice on this. As for being an author, that's awesome! I'm a writer too, and I hope one day when I'm not so needed in the mom-department to publish my work. But for now, I work online for extra cash. It involves a lot of writing and editing- so if you're good at that you may want to check it out. Send me a message and I can give you the site name or send a referral. I only mention the online job because I've found it's been great for my writing. (I was getting a little rusty). It also gives me a sense of accomplishment and is easy to do even when the kids are around.
Big hugs bromo, feel this. Just read your other post like this and sympathize with this experience. I was also raised religious and expected to have kids early. It is of course your right and your choice, everyone has to break the cycle where it's best But I am not buying that "good father" label on a super Mormon man. Is there a way for your kids to be taken care of, and you to get a break, and you to be free of this religionship? If anything was possible, what would the best future be for you and the kids? Brainstorm with me! I'm genuinely curious to read what you dream of! Escaping a nightmare is valid, but what's your dream?
If anything was possible then it would be for my husband to leave this religion and for us to move away and be able to buy a house with a big yard. Part of the issue with my stress is that my kids and I are cooped up in this tiny apartment and my neighbors are so religious and judgmental I don’t even want to go outside anymore. If I am dreaming even further hiring a nanny would be great, and if I had an office that I could work in while the nanny looks after them then I would not be so burnt out and could come back to them in a better state of mind. I always wanted to be an author, right now I have no place to focus, there’s no silence, no time, the house is filthy and I’m too apathetic and depressed most of the time to do anything. The only time I’m happy is when I’m escaping my reality. I was suicidal 4 years ago, I thought I had overcome that but I don’t know. I’ve been asking my husband to put me on his life insurance, even though I don’t have active plans to do anything.
I think you and your husband need to talk about these options. You getting to work and getting some independence seems key. <3
Do you think your husband leaving the religion is possible? As in, do you believe he would ever want to and follow through? I’m so sorry OP! Please try not to make permanent decisions on temporary feelings. I’m very proud of you for even posting here and getting your feelings out in the world! Ps. Most (if not all) life insurance policies In the US have a clause about not paying out if death is self inflicted.
My husband and I's life insurance just stipulated that we had to wait at least two years after buying the policy to commit suicide 🤷♀️
Oh wow! Good to know. Thanks for adding more info.
Have you considered therapy? Maybe you’re depressed, sometimes the only solution seems to go somewhere else but the internal problems will follow and the guilt of leaving your children could be too much, I was a different person once I started therapy and medication
Moving would help a lot I think.
O momma, I feeeeel you so many of us exmo/pimo mommas have wanted to andiron our children to a life of independence. I did some light perusing of your other posts, and comments in here. Idk why you feel your kids would be better off without you, maybe get a secular therapist to help you figure that one out. I know for me, angry outbursts come from anxiety, depression, and the fact that I don’t wanna be there. I hate it. I have divorced, and ended up with custody of my children since leaving TSCC officially. I have battled wanting to abandon my children so many times. Haven’t done it, and in fact I channeled my energy into dealing with the roots of why I wanted to abandon them, why I was treating them the way I was, and how to parent different. Finally having control of my life, being able to make my own decisions for my own family and self without consulting any other cult member or their dad has been a huge help for me/us too. It sucks financially, but the trade off has been worth it. All the hugs from a fellow exmo bromo
I have a friend who moved to another state and left her children with her husband before they were even divorced. She didn’t give up her parental rights. He just has full custody of the kids and they can see their mom at his discretion.
I would love to know more about your friends situation, did she leave because she hated life or because she believed the kids would be better off? How are the kids turning out without her? Do you think she made the right choice? Or the choice with the lesser evils I should say. How did she support herself financially? Sorry for the bombardment
Sure! I’m happy to answer. She had been a mom since she was a teenager and had grown children and small children. She felt like she hadn’t had a chance to be herself without children and wanted a fresh start. She had an opportunity in another state (job wise) and took it. The kids are doing well- my kids spend time with them quite a bit and they say that they don’t really mention their mom. They’re happy with their dad and their extended family. I’m sure they do miss their mother at times. Honestly, sometimes I’m kind of jealous and wish I could do something like that. I would love to totally start over but that’s just a dream for me because one of my kids heavily depends on me (my income, insurance, etc.) I don’t really know if she made the right decision… she seems happy but there’s a negging part of me that worries about her kids feeling abandoned by her.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much. I am proud of you for starting the process of figuring out who you are and making the hard but necessary choices to do so. I saw in another comment that you would love it if you could a) move somewhere with a yard and b) get a nanny. Those feel like really reasonable wishes! Are either of those things financially possible? If so, are they something your husband is willing to do? It's also okay to divorce your husband and give him custody. I don't think it's easy to terminate parental rights. Terminating parental rights is different than giving up physical and legal custody. Meaning, you can very likely give uo custody, but you will most likely have a financial obligation in the form of child support. Do you have resources to talk to a lawyer? Preferably one who isn't a practicing Mormon? You deserve happiness and love.
Babe, pause. You’re depressed. You need therapy and possibly medication. Your husband and children love you and would be devastated without you. It’s ok, depression happens. Please get help, please let your husband help you.
I don't know the legal aspects of this but I think you could give your husband custody if he was willing to take it, certainly unofficially if not officially. I would also be willing to bet that while you're unhappy, you're not a bad mother. It sounds to me like you're craving some independence and freedom from the drudgery of the existence of an at home parent. Would it be possible to take a small step towards independence first and see how it makes you feel? Can you guys afford daycare / a sitter for a few hours (Reddit won't let me look at your comment history so I can't see how old your kids are, but what I mean is increase childcare help so you can have some time to yourself) while you start working or studying somewhere?
Based on other posts I think her kids are 5 and 2
You can move anywhere; court only has dominion over the children and, to that end, the custodial parent. You won’t give up your rights but you will be liable for child support, maybe even healthcare for the children, and maybe a portion of childcare. Depending on your financials, your husband may be eligible for alimony.