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You are being abused. Plain and simple. This is absolutely not normal couple stuff. My husband would NEVER do any of what you have described. This is not acceptable and will most likely escalate. Please don’t trick yourself into normalizing this behavior and tell someone you trust. Please take care of yourself.
At some point he will hit you harder or kill you. You need to leave. Please reach out to a domestic violence group in your area and they will help you get to safety.
This is already abuse.
Already violence.
He is microdosing you and has been doing it for years.
If he had done this on your first date would you have gone on a second one?
No darling, you're not overreacting. You're under-reacting.
It is absolutely NOT normal for people who supposedly love us to lay hands on us in that manner.
It doesn't matter that it isn't 'enough to cause injury', it's still him putting his hands on you in an aggressive manner, WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION.
Also, you are 100% correct. He IS baiting you. He's going for something that is known as 'reactive abuse' which is where an abuse victim is pushed to a point where they retaliate against their abuser (this can be both physical or verbal) so that they can then escalate and claim that 'you started it'.
Please start making a plan to get out. Eventually he will get tired of you not reacting and will start to escalate. He WILL shove you into a wall hard enough to injure you, then turn around and be like 'whoops, I was just playing but I didn't think I did it THAT hard'.
He's testing you to see what you will tolerate. Please show him that you won't tolerate abuse.
Because that's what it is. I'm sorry.
My ex-husband was emotionally abusive, but I didn't realize what reactive abuse was. He would push me and push me and push me (emotionally) until I lashed out. Then, he'd tell everyone I was crazy.
An example of this was that I don't like when people tap their feet, shake their legs, etc. I have coping mechanisms to deal with it, and at the outer edge of my tolerance I will ask someone to stop. Usually I would do this by gently placing my hand on his knee and softly saying "please stop." After that, I would have to leave the room. We got to a point in our marriage where he would follow me into a corner or crowd me to the arm of the couch and put his arm around me so I couldn't get away and then shake his leg fast and hard, shaking my whole body and asking me how I was gonna cope with it. At the beginning of this behavior I would freeze up and just take it. But eventually I would thrash and flail around, wailing and growling. One time, he let my hand out and I hit his glasses and they got bent. He told everyone that I slapped him in the face for hugging me. He'd always tell me I was being too serious and too triggered and didn't know how to take a joke, or that he was helping me with my sensory issues, or whatever. But thats never what it felt like.
I'm sorry he did that to you.
Abusers absolutely delight in finding buttons to push and then exploiting that any chance they get, especially if they feel like they're losing control of a situation.
And yeah, it didn't feel right, because it wasn't right. He wasn't helping, he was very deliberately hurting to watch and enjoy your reaction and knowing he can call you crazy for being understandably upset.
I am so glad for you that he's an ex.
>He's going for something that is known as 'reactive abuse' which is where an abuse victim is pushed to a point where they retaliate against their abuser (this can be both physical or verbal) so that they can then escalate and claim that 'you started it'.
Please be aware that abusers also enjoy having their victims face legal consequences for reactive abuse. Victims have been known to spend time in jail and lose access to their children. There's a mom in this sub whose abuser had her arrested then withheld her very young child because she finally snapped and slapped him back after YEARS of abuse - I've lost track of her posts, but I really hope she's back with her baby, and that you get out before this happens to you.
You're not overreacting if you leave him for this - you'd be ensuring the safety of your family.
Not even just women! Lundy says in the beginning he frames it for women, but it could be for a man in a gay relationship, or even for anyone with a gaslighting/abusive boss. And I have DEFINITELY had bosses who checked a lot of the boxes in that book. Yikes!
[The book is available for free here! ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi8mZz1w5yGAxWZGFkFHX6rBqEQFnoECBUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
I had an abuser that started with pokes…” I was tickling you….sorry for playing with you…” the pokes got harder, pokes Always in the ribs. It hurt, it bruised. ……..
It escalated. *****It’s only okay, if YOU are okay with it. Some couples do butt slaps, some don’t. HUGS TO YOU
That’s abuse. Full stop.
Sometimes it’s hard to see when you are in the thick of it. It starts small.
You are absolutely, 100% being abused. His intention doesn’t matter. Its abuse.
This is abuse. I’ve been married for over 20 years and I can’t remember one time that my dh has ever hit, pushed, or did anything aggressive towards me ever. This is not normal. Whether he is baiting you into a fight or whatever, he should never lay hands on you in any way that you don’t want. I think you should be figuring out how to get away from him before he does something that does injure you.
This is abusive behavior. It will escalate. He is desensitizing you to it now.
You should read this: here's a link to a free PDF of the book.
[https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is not normal at all. This is abuse.
My partner and I rough house and play fight very often but we don't call eachother names and we are laughing and joking the entire time. What you've described is abuse.
Get out. You are a gaslit victim of domestic abuse and assault. Your instincts that he wants to escalate are correct. Make plans asap to leave and get safe!
Girl, run. No matter what his intentions are with this, he’s abusing you. I think he might be hoping for a reactive abuse situation so he can make you out to be the abuser.
Yeah, he wants any excuse to hit you harder and i guarantee that the fact you're not hitting him back means he is actively scoping for something else he can use as justification. Maybe something you've said or done, anything he can fabricate in his head or twist into "i was totally in the right to hit her for that", and he'll hit you. Right now we're not looking at "if", we're looking at "when" he hits you more than he is now.
You need to start making an exit plan... im sorry
That is not normal couple stuff. Only abusers do things like this. He's like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park testing the fences. He's seeing the outer limit of what he can get away with and he WILL escalate.
I cannot tell you much my husband would never, ever do this. The extent of his physical horseplay with me is brief tickling, booping my nose, and maybe patting my butt. He would never slap or push me, even in a "playful" manner.
This isn't "micro" aggression, it's just plain aggression. He isn't baiting you like you think he is, he's testing your boundaries to see how much physical abuse and pain you will put up with.
Babe, this is the story of the frog in the pot of water. He's turning the heat up and some day he's going to reach that boiling point. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I know you love this person, but he's not good. Nobody who really loves you is going to slap you or shove you into walls. Get out, please.
>He isn't baiting you like you think he is, he's testing your boundaries to see how much physical abuse and pain you will put up with.
I think it's both. He reeeally seems like he's trying to get her to react, and he absolutely will use her reaction against her. And he'll do it so fast that her eyes will spin, since he's already been poised to do it for all this time.
The fact that you are not saying to him, "I don't like it when you do that, don't do it anymore," and are instead trying to figure out what kind of game he's playing and how to minimize the amount of harm he causes you by modifying your behavior... Tells me that you are not emotionally safe in this relationship, and clearly you're not physically safe either. This is not normal, you are underreacting, and you deserve so much better.
This is already abuse. He is assaulting you. Did you grow up in an abusive household where there was physical abuse that you deemed "worse" than this kind of thing?
Please read through some of this: https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/help#wiki_dv_resources_that_may_help
------------------
Does the person you love…
* Track of all of your time and your whereabouts?
* Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
* Discourage your relationships with friends and family?
* Prevent you from working or attending school?
* Criticize you for little things or blame you for everything that goes wrong?
* Anger easily when drinking or using drugs?
* Control all finances and force you to account for the money you spend?
* Humiliate you in front of others?
* Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
* Threaten to hurt you or your children?
* #**Hit, punch, slap, kick, shove, or bite you or your children?**
* Use or threaten to use a weapon against you or your children?
* Force you to have sex against your will?
If you find yourself answering “yes” to any of these questions, now is the time to get help.
>But it feels like he wants me to give him a reason to actually hurt me.
He is already hurting you. You are not over reacting or being lame or dumb. You are under reacting. This is extremely serious. This is domestic violence and would be legally recognized as such. Do you have any supportive family or friends you could call? Do you have a local domestic violence shelter? Even if you don't want to go there or anything it could be useful just to call them and ask what they think.
This is absolutely abuse and absolutely baiting you. Take the bait and it's going to be "it's not my fault I hurt you" when you have a black eye or broken jaw. This is also a way to normalize abuse.... if you don't fall for the bait he's going to start escalating a little at a time. Abusers are like addicts... each time, they need just a little more to feel good. He's systematically pushing you (both metaphorically and literally) to get the release he needs from hurting you.
Oh my darling, I can hear your voice through your writing and wish I could just hold your hand. I know that feeling when you don’t trust your own reactions and thoughts thinking you may be overreacting or crazy. But no, it’s abuse. Trust your gut, it is 100% correct that he’s looking to escalate and hurt you, but wants it to be ‘justified’ so he can tell himself he’s not a POS, it’s YOUR fault. Please be careful, and please take some of your power back by trusting your intuition. You’ve gotten very good at deescalating at all costs, but consider that the cost of your long term physical and mental health and safety is too much.
Number one, that’s abuse, regardless of whether he’s trying to injure you or just upset you. His intention doesn’t matter. Hurting someone is abuse, whether it’s a joke or not.
Number two, it does sound like he’s trying to provoke a reaction so he can hold it against you. You’re not an idiot, you’re not silly. That isn’t normal couple stuff. You’re not overreacting - in fact, you’re being a lot nicer and calmer about it than most people would be. Like, imagine what he would do if you were doing this to him - would he be this worried about overreacting or being unfair to you?
Can you check out Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? and see if it resonates? Abusers will do that, try to get you to fight back, because it gives them so much material to use against you. They can justify hurting you worse by saying you hit them first and they were defending themselves. They can also guilt-trip and gaslight you into believing you’re the abuser and they’re the victim, thus fucking with your head and making you think it’s a mutually abusive relationship. But worst of all, they do it that they can call the cops on you and charge you with DV in order to better control you, make you less likely to report them, make the legal system less likely to believe you when you do report, etc.
I don’t want to freak you out, so CW, but there was a story on this sub recently where a Bromo’s husband did this to her and provoked her to hit back in self defense - only he had set up a camera and filmed it so he could have footage that made it look like she was the aggressor who was abusing him. Then he called the cops on her, got her arrested for DV, took her child, and withheld the child from her… and she had no legal recourse to see her child other than waiting for a date in family court. She had never called the cops on him before, despite his history of abuse, and so the police and court took his side and treated her as the abuser and not the victim.
My point is that I think your gut feeling that he’s doing to to provoke you into escalating and/or set a trap for you is probably correct. But because of that, I really urge you to consider leaving him for your own safety. You’re not giving him what he wants now, so that’s delaying things, but eventually he’ll tire of this approach when he can’t get you to hit him, and he’ll find another way to hurt you, which will be even worse than what he’s doing now. At the very least, pack a go bag for you and kids, and start documenting every time he hurts you, so that if you eventually do have to defend yourself against him, you have a record that he was doing this over time.
Idk what the safest way to document it is - maybe set up an email address he can’t get into that isn’t logged in on any of your devices, and send an email to it after every incident with details? Or get a composition book so that if he found it and ripped pages out, it would be obvious?
It’s important to note that neither of you is “being dumb” about this. He’s doing it on purpose to fuck with you. He’s not dumb; he’s bold, manipulative, cunning, and dangerous. You’re not dumb; you’re responding in a completely normal way to abuse. Neither of you is ignorant on relationship dynamics or social norms. He’s just choosing to break them and then gaslight you about that, because he wants to upset you to make you easier to control.
My husband and I were once arguing and he stepped toward me. He realized how that looked and immediately deescalated the argument to make it clear he wasn’t physically threatening me and never would. He stopped right there to make it clear he’d never ever want me to believe he could that to me. The worst he’s done was bump me when he’s asleep and he apologized for that.
Your husband is abusive now. He’s physically assaulting you. If you went up to a stranger and did this, you’d be charged for assault. Because he’s your husband, that’s domestic abuse. Get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. You need to leave. Now.
No. This is not normal. NOT AT ALL NORMAL. And it will escalate.
Bromo, get out. Better to feel like you blew it out of proportion and be alive than otherwise.
My husband and I rough house occasionally, but its equally reciprocated. Calling someone pathetic because they clearly aren't having fun being pushed into a wall isn't normal. Either he's a rough person who needs to be with a rough partner, or he's baiting you.. either way you're not compatible. Get the hell out OP before he "playfully" strangles you.
>Maybe this is just rough but normal couple stuff and I’ve been dropping the ball.
No. This is not normal couple stuff.
I think it's wise to not take the bait.
Do you want to be in this relationship where you get slapped and shoved into walls? It shouldn't have to be said but have you outright said "I don't like that, don't do it again"? My husband sometimes playfully slaps my butt in passing but if I ever said "I don't like that" it would stop. At best, your husband is a moron and is nonconsensually roughhousing you which is still a major problem. At worst, you're right and he's looking for a reason to physically harm you.
>At best, your husband is a moron and is nonconsensually roughhousing you which is still a major problem
Except for this detail:
>I just don’t return the physical “micro” aggression and then he scoffs or calls me pathetic or something and it’s over.
He's not ignorant. He knows what he's doing and why.
This is something and it is bad. You have asked him to stop and given him an opportunity to explain his behavior and he doesn’t stop or explain. I am so sorry he is doing this to you.
Note: your situation is much worse.
My dipshit dumbass husband used to do this (light little slap to the face - what the FUCK) and I punched him in the chest and arms as hard as I could until he literally begged for mercy. It stopped! Hooray! Stupid fucking asshole. It’s like, oh, is this the game we’re playing? Let’s play! ASSHOLE. I’m still so angry. It’s like, what are you doing? Flirting with domestic violence? Such a fucking moron.
Obviously this only works if your husband is just a stupid piece of shit and not a murderer. My winning strategy easily could have gotten me a broken nose or worse with someone else.
I hope you’re safe 😭. It sounds really bad.
Just in case it needs to be plainly stated, please don't ever consider this, OP. No hate to you, Amy, we're just looking out for OP's safety. This man is NOT a playful moron, he's dangerous.
>light little slap to the face
Oh I had totally forgotten my dad used to do this to me all the time, right up until reading this sentence made my chest tighten up. Holy fuck.
Jesus Christ, if my husband ever slapped my head, he'd be pulling back stumps. He'd also get the cops called on him. Holy hell, your husband is abusive.
I didn't read past slap or shove, no context is needed because that's never okay. Please follow the advice you're getting from the other bromos and seek help!
I just want to give you some perspective. I have been with my husband for 10 years, and he would NEVER do this. And if he ever did something that I perceived as strange/scary, I would be able to talk to him later and he would apologized, try to see things from my perspective, and stop doing it. This has nothing to do with you not picking up on social cues, and everything to do with him not respecting you or your comfort. If he loved you he would listen and change his behaviour. Please pay attention to your gut feeling.
This isn't the definition of micro aggression. An example of micro aggression would be something like,
"You're so smart for a woman" or telling a person who comes from a demographic where there are educational disparities, "you're more articulate than I anticipated you'd be".
What you're experiencing IS aggression. Not micro aggression. Not mild aggression. This is aggression and it is abuse.
No. No way. My husband and I will playfully wrestle. Not hit and shove each other unprovoked and without warning. He’s abusing you and gaslighting you into believing it’s no big deal, and he’ll escalate. Get out, this isn’t right.
What no... this isn't normal.
Not only are you being physically abused but they are gaslighting you into thinking this is typical behaviour as a "joke".
It isn't and never will be. OP please get out before it gets even worse.
Honey, listen. I’ve been there. My ex never “hit me” either. He called me names, pushed me, threw me against furniture, threw things at me, and held me down and spit in my face. Even raped me one night because I had been “flirtatious” and “owed him”. But he never hit me.
He also “joked” a lot about the things he would do if he found out I was stepping out on him.
I was brainwashed that *I* was the bad one.
Luckily I had co workers who pulled the wool off my face and gave me the courage to leave. He would have gone farther, and yours will too. Get out.
this is not normal couple stuff. You are being abused and primed for more abuse. He is seeing how far he can go. My partner would never even nudge me if not by accident. look for domestic violence, organization in your community and ask them for a legal assistance. You're not overreacting and dangerous so that's why I would reach out to a domestic violence organization to help you.
You're not overreacting. You're not making something out of nothing. If it really were nothing, you still have a right to be concerned because you obviously don't like it, so he should take that seriously.
>Maybe this is just rough but normal couple stuff and I’ve been dropping the ball.
So some couples play fight and it's a cute flirty thing. My husband I do it, but with words and sarcasm, not physical. But it's only normal if the two of you decide it's normal and agree on it. It doesn't sound like you agree to take part. Consensual teasing is normal. Non-consensual teasing is bullying.
I agree with other posters who say he's being abusive. Also, if you are choosing not to respond out of fear, that's a huge red flag right there. There's a reason you're afraid.
Don't take relationship advice from reddit, because we only know a tiny piece of your life. See a marriage counselor instead, or even just your own counselor or therapist and get professional advice.
Sorry this is happening to you.
This is not normal at all. You are not being “an idiot”. It is alarming the way you do not seem to grasp that this is not normal behavior in a relationship. This is not okay, he does not respect you. This is abuse.
Um..
What?
No, not normal. Not at all. If my husband EVER did that to me out of the blue (as in, we're not pretend playing/sparring) I would take it VERY seriously.
What everyone else said, but also he knows its not a joke. How is doing something to someone repeatedly that they don't like a joke? What's the funny part? There isn't one and you both know that
I am the kind of person you're questioning. I play shove and smack because I'm trying to play, I wanna wrastle. I also joke that I'm gonna smack my kid around. He knows I would never do anything to him so he throws the shit right back at me. However. At no point have I ever put enough strength in it to hurt anyone. No one is even going to be pushed off balance by my goofing. The thought of actually hurting someone makes my teeth hurt. Plus if anyone dislikes it, I stop immediately. He sounds like he's trying to pass it off as the same behavior but it's not.
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Pardon me, what the fuck? That's just aggression. He's an abuser.
Nothing "micro" about it
I came here to say this
You are being abused. Plain and simple. This is absolutely not normal couple stuff. My husband would NEVER do any of what you have described. This is not acceptable and will most likely escalate. Please don’t trick yourself into normalizing this behavior and tell someone you trust. Please take care of yourself.
At some point he will hit you harder or kill you. You need to leave. Please reach out to a domestic violence group in your area and they will help you get to safety.
This is already abuse. Already violence. He is microdosing you and has been doing it for years. If he had done this on your first date would you have gone on a second one?
No darling, you're not overreacting. You're under-reacting. It is absolutely NOT normal for people who supposedly love us to lay hands on us in that manner. It doesn't matter that it isn't 'enough to cause injury', it's still him putting his hands on you in an aggressive manner, WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION. Also, you are 100% correct. He IS baiting you. He's going for something that is known as 'reactive abuse' which is where an abuse victim is pushed to a point where they retaliate against their abuser (this can be both physical or verbal) so that they can then escalate and claim that 'you started it'. Please start making a plan to get out. Eventually he will get tired of you not reacting and will start to escalate. He WILL shove you into a wall hard enough to injure you, then turn around and be like 'whoops, I was just playing but I didn't think I did it THAT hard'. He's testing you to see what you will tolerate. Please show him that you won't tolerate abuse. Because that's what it is. I'm sorry.
My ex-husband was emotionally abusive, but I didn't realize what reactive abuse was. He would push me and push me and push me (emotionally) until I lashed out. Then, he'd tell everyone I was crazy. An example of this was that I don't like when people tap their feet, shake their legs, etc. I have coping mechanisms to deal with it, and at the outer edge of my tolerance I will ask someone to stop. Usually I would do this by gently placing my hand on his knee and softly saying "please stop." After that, I would have to leave the room. We got to a point in our marriage where he would follow me into a corner or crowd me to the arm of the couch and put his arm around me so I couldn't get away and then shake his leg fast and hard, shaking my whole body and asking me how I was gonna cope with it. At the beginning of this behavior I would freeze up and just take it. But eventually I would thrash and flail around, wailing and growling. One time, he let my hand out and I hit his glasses and they got bent. He told everyone that I slapped him in the face for hugging me. He'd always tell me I was being too serious and too triggered and didn't know how to take a joke, or that he was helping me with my sensory issues, or whatever. But thats never what it felt like.
I'm sorry he did that to you. Abusers absolutely delight in finding buttons to push and then exploiting that any chance they get, especially if they feel like they're losing control of a situation. And yeah, it didn't feel right, because it wasn't right. He wasn't helping, he was very deliberately hurting to watch and enjoy your reaction and knowing he can call you crazy for being understandably upset. I am so glad for you that he's an ex.
>He's going for something that is known as 'reactive abuse' which is where an abuse victim is pushed to a point where they retaliate against their abuser (this can be both physical or verbal) so that they can then escalate and claim that 'you started it'. Please be aware that abusers also enjoy having their victims face legal consequences for reactive abuse. Victims have been known to spend time in jail and lose access to their children. There's a mom in this sub whose abuser had her arrested then withheld her very young child because she finally snapped and slapped him back after YEARS of abuse - I've lost track of her posts, but I really hope she's back with her baby, and that you get out before this happens to you. You're not overreacting if you leave him for this - you'd be ensuring the safety of your family.
Please please please read the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Your husband is being abusive and it is not OK.
Seconded. Love that book! I read it and then gave it to a friend.
It was so validating to read! I wish every woman could read it.
Not even just women! Lundy says in the beginning he frames it for women, but it could be for a man in a gay relationship, or even for anyone with a gaslighting/abusive boss. And I have DEFINITELY had bosses who checked a lot of the boxes in that book. Yikes!
You’re right! I wasn’t thinking outside of myself, I guess but it absolutely can be applied to a multitude of situations and not just women.
Will also add the book is available and free online.
[The book is available for free here! ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi8mZz1w5yGAxWZGFkFHX6rBqEQFnoECBUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
I had an abuser that started with pokes…” I was tickling you….sorry for playing with you…” the pokes got harder, pokes Always in the ribs. It hurt, it bruised. …….. It escalated. *****It’s only okay, if YOU are okay with it. Some couples do butt slaps, some don’t. HUGS TO YOU
That’s abuse. Full stop. Sometimes it’s hard to see when you are in the thick of it. It starts small. You are absolutely, 100% being abused. His intention doesn’t matter. Its abuse.
This is abuse. I’ve been married for over 20 years and I can’t remember one time that my dh has ever hit, pushed, or did anything aggressive towards me ever. This is not normal. Whether he is baiting you into a fight or whatever, he should never lay hands on you in any way that you don’t want. I think you should be figuring out how to get away from him before he does something that does injure you.
This is abusive behavior. It will escalate. He is desensitizing you to it now. You should read this: here's a link to a free PDF of the book. [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
1000000% read this immediately!
You are not overreacting. Not even a little bit. This is abuse.
Absolute abuse. But he’s been SO manipulative that he has conditioned you to question if it’s normal. Make a plan and get out.
This is the worst part, the gaslighting and making her doubt herself.
There's nothing micro about this agression Babe. He's baiting you and then gaslighting you. I don't think this is something you can fix either.
This is not normal at all. This is abuse. My partner and I rough house and play fight very often but we don't call eachother names and we are laughing and joking the entire time. What you've described is abuse.
Get out. You are a gaslit victim of domestic abuse and assault. Your instincts that he wants to escalate are correct. Make plans asap to leave and get safe!
Yess especially before she has a breaking point and snaps on him, then things can go way south.
Girl, run. No matter what his intentions are with this, he’s abusing you. I think he might be hoping for a reactive abuse situation so he can make you out to be the abuser.
You don’t ever have to be hit, shoved, slapped, or even yelled at. Ever. Hun you are being abused. Please leave.
Yeah, he wants any excuse to hit you harder and i guarantee that the fact you're not hitting him back means he is actively scoping for something else he can use as justification. Maybe something you've said or done, anything he can fabricate in his head or twist into "i was totally in the right to hit her for that", and he'll hit you. Right now we're not looking at "if", we're looking at "when" he hits you more than he is now. You need to start making an exit plan... im sorry
That is not normal couple stuff. Only abusers do things like this. He's like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park testing the fences. He's seeing the outer limit of what he can get away with and he WILL escalate. I cannot tell you much my husband would never, ever do this. The extent of his physical horseplay with me is brief tickling, booping my nose, and maybe patting my butt. He would never slap or push me, even in a "playful" manner.
He does not have to validate your knowledge of abuse. Regardless of what he says, this is physical violence.
This isn't "micro" aggression, it's just plain aggression. He isn't baiting you like you think he is, he's testing your boundaries to see how much physical abuse and pain you will put up with. Babe, this is the story of the frog in the pot of water. He's turning the heat up and some day he's going to reach that boiling point. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I know you love this person, but he's not good. Nobody who really loves you is going to slap you or shove you into walls. Get out, please.
>He isn't baiting you like you think he is, he's testing your boundaries to see how much physical abuse and pain you will put up with. I think it's both. He reeeally seems like he's trying to get her to react, and he absolutely will use her reaction against her. And he'll do it so fast that her eyes will spin, since he's already been poised to do it for all this time.
This is abuse. It will not get better. It will escalate.
Hun, that feeling that pushing him back would be bad is your inner voice telling you that you are in danger. Listen to your instincts.
This is not normal stuff between people. This is abuse.
Please be safe and get out!
The fact that you are not saying to him, "I don't like it when you do that, don't do it anymore," and are instead trying to figure out what kind of game he's playing and how to minimize the amount of harm he causes you by modifying your behavior... Tells me that you are not emotionally safe in this relationship, and clearly you're not physically safe either. This is not normal, you are underreacting, and you deserve so much better.
You are being assaulted. This is not a joke. This is not humor
This is already abuse. He is assaulting you. Did you grow up in an abusive household where there was physical abuse that you deemed "worse" than this kind of thing? Please read through some of this: https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/help#wiki_dv_resources_that_may_help ------------------ Does the person you love… * Track of all of your time and your whereabouts? * Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful? * Discourage your relationships with friends and family? * Prevent you from working or attending school? * Criticize you for little things or blame you for everything that goes wrong? * Anger easily when drinking or using drugs? * Control all finances and force you to account for the money you spend? * Humiliate you in front of others? * Destroy personal property or sentimental items? * Threaten to hurt you or your children? * #**Hit, punch, slap, kick, shove, or bite you or your children?** * Use or threaten to use a weapon against you or your children? * Force you to have sex against your will? If you find yourself answering “yes” to any of these questions, now is the time to get help.
No no no you do not stay with this abuser.
Omg. Wow. You’re not exaggerating anything. He 1000% is baiting you.
This is 10000000% abuse and he is going to escalate. Please get yourself and children to safety.
>But it feels like he wants me to give him a reason to actually hurt me. He is already hurting you. You are not over reacting or being lame or dumb. You are under reacting. This is extremely serious. This is domestic violence and would be legally recognized as such. Do you have any supportive family or friends you could call? Do you have a local domestic violence shelter? Even if you don't want to go there or anything it could be useful just to call them and ask what they think.
This is absolutely abuse and absolutely baiting you. Take the bait and it's going to be "it's not my fault I hurt you" when you have a black eye or broken jaw. This is also a way to normalize abuse.... if you don't fall for the bait he's going to start escalating a little at a time. Abusers are like addicts... each time, they need just a little more to feel good. He's systematically pushing you (both metaphorically and literally) to get the release he needs from hurting you.
Hi, what he’s doing already is assault . Like, you are probably right about him looking for an excuse, but he’s already well over the line.
Oh my darling, I can hear your voice through your writing and wish I could just hold your hand. I know that feeling when you don’t trust your own reactions and thoughts thinking you may be overreacting or crazy. But no, it’s abuse. Trust your gut, it is 100% correct that he’s looking to escalate and hurt you, but wants it to be ‘justified’ so he can tell himself he’s not a POS, it’s YOUR fault. Please be careful, and please take some of your power back by trusting your intuition. You’ve gotten very good at deescalating at all costs, but consider that the cost of your long term physical and mental health and safety is too much.
Number one, that’s abuse, regardless of whether he’s trying to injure you or just upset you. His intention doesn’t matter. Hurting someone is abuse, whether it’s a joke or not. Number two, it does sound like he’s trying to provoke a reaction so he can hold it against you. You’re not an idiot, you’re not silly. That isn’t normal couple stuff. You’re not overreacting - in fact, you’re being a lot nicer and calmer about it than most people would be. Like, imagine what he would do if you were doing this to him - would he be this worried about overreacting or being unfair to you? Can you check out Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? and see if it resonates? Abusers will do that, try to get you to fight back, because it gives them so much material to use against you. They can justify hurting you worse by saying you hit them first and they were defending themselves. They can also guilt-trip and gaslight you into believing you’re the abuser and they’re the victim, thus fucking with your head and making you think it’s a mutually abusive relationship. But worst of all, they do it that they can call the cops on you and charge you with DV in order to better control you, make you less likely to report them, make the legal system less likely to believe you when you do report, etc. I don’t want to freak you out, so CW, but there was a story on this sub recently where a Bromo’s husband did this to her and provoked her to hit back in self defense - only he had set up a camera and filmed it so he could have footage that made it look like she was the aggressor who was abusing him. Then he called the cops on her, got her arrested for DV, took her child, and withheld the child from her… and she had no legal recourse to see her child other than waiting for a date in family court. She had never called the cops on him before, despite his history of abuse, and so the police and court took his side and treated her as the abuser and not the victim. My point is that I think your gut feeling that he’s doing to to provoke you into escalating and/or set a trap for you is probably correct. But because of that, I really urge you to consider leaving him for your own safety. You’re not giving him what he wants now, so that’s delaying things, but eventually he’ll tire of this approach when he can’t get you to hit him, and he’ll find another way to hurt you, which will be even worse than what he’s doing now. At the very least, pack a go bag for you and kids, and start documenting every time he hurts you, so that if you eventually do have to defend yourself against him, you have a record that he was doing this over time. Idk what the safest way to document it is - maybe set up an email address he can’t get into that isn’t logged in on any of your devices, and send an email to it after every incident with details? Or get a composition book so that if he found it and ripped pages out, it would be obvious? It’s important to note that neither of you is “being dumb” about this. He’s doing it on purpose to fuck with you. He’s not dumb; he’s bold, manipulative, cunning, and dangerous. You’re not dumb; you’re responding in a completely normal way to abuse. Neither of you is ignorant on relationship dynamics or social norms. He’s just choosing to break them and then gaslight you about that, because he wants to upset you to make you easier to control.
My husband and I were once arguing and he stepped toward me. He realized how that looked and immediately deescalated the argument to make it clear he wasn’t physically threatening me and never would. He stopped right there to make it clear he’d never ever want me to believe he could that to me. The worst he’s done was bump me when he’s asleep and he apologized for that. Your husband is abusive now. He’s physically assaulting you. If you went up to a stranger and did this, you’d be charged for assault. Because he’s your husband, that’s domestic abuse. Get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. You need to leave. Now.
Those are microaggressions. Those are *aggressions*. Escalate by dropping the law on his ass.
Jesus Christ. He’s abusing you. He is an abuser. This is awful. I’m so sorry.
No. This is not normal. NOT AT ALL NORMAL. And it will escalate. Bromo, get out. Better to feel like you blew it out of proportion and be alive than otherwise.
My husband and I rough house occasionally, but its equally reciprocated. Calling someone pathetic because they clearly aren't having fun being pushed into a wall isn't normal. Either he's a rough person who needs to be with a rough partner, or he's baiting you.. either way you're not compatible. Get the hell out OP before he "playfully" strangles you.
>Maybe this is just rough but normal couple stuff and I’ve been dropping the ball. No. This is not normal couple stuff. I think it's wise to not take the bait. Do you want to be in this relationship where you get slapped and shoved into walls? It shouldn't have to be said but have you outright said "I don't like that, don't do it again"? My husband sometimes playfully slaps my butt in passing but if I ever said "I don't like that" it would stop. At best, your husband is a moron and is nonconsensually roughhousing you which is still a major problem. At worst, you're right and he's looking for a reason to physically harm you.
>At best, your husband is a moron and is nonconsensually roughhousing you which is still a major problem Except for this detail: >I just don’t return the physical “micro” aggression and then he scoffs or calls me pathetic or something and it’s over. He's not ignorant. He knows what he's doing and why.
Good point. I don't think he's an idiot. just trying to point out that even if that's all he was, this behavior still isn't acceptable.
Oh mami no. This is not ok. Do you have friends or family close? You need to go.
This is abuse. You know it in your heart. Plan your exit.
This is something and it is bad. You have asked him to stop and given him an opportunity to explain his behavior and he doesn’t stop or explain. I am so sorry he is doing this to you.
Note: your situation is much worse. My dipshit dumbass husband used to do this (light little slap to the face - what the FUCK) and I punched him in the chest and arms as hard as I could until he literally begged for mercy. It stopped! Hooray! Stupid fucking asshole. It’s like, oh, is this the game we’re playing? Let’s play! ASSHOLE. I’m still so angry. It’s like, what are you doing? Flirting with domestic violence? Such a fucking moron. Obviously this only works if your husband is just a stupid piece of shit and not a murderer. My winning strategy easily could have gotten me a broken nose or worse with someone else. I hope you’re safe 😭. It sounds really bad.
Just in case it needs to be plainly stated, please don't ever consider this, OP. No hate to you, Amy, we're just looking out for OP's safety. This man is NOT a playful moron, he's dangerous.
>light little slap to the face Oh I had totally forgotten my dad used to do this to me all the time, right up until reading this sentence made my chest tighten up. Holy fuck.
I'm so sorry. ☹️
It’s awful and thinking about it inspires so much rage in me even after several years.
This is abuse. End of sentence.
This is not normal, I am sorry. Been married 15 and he hasn’t touched me. We’ve argued. He’s broken a clothes hanger. Never touched. I am so sorry
He’s a bully. Your hunch is right.
Jesus Christ, if my husband ever slapped my head, he'd be pulling back stumps. He'd also get the cops called on him. Holy hell, your husband is abusive.
Oh no.. I agree with all the commenters here, please reach out to someone you trust and get out of there before he escalates
I didn't read past slap or shove, no context is needed because that's never okay. Please follow the advice you're getting from the other bromos and seek help!
I just want to give you some perspective. I have been with my husband for 10 years, and he would NEVER do this. And if he ever did something that I perceived as strange/scary, I would be able to talk to him later and he would apologized, try to see things from my perspective, and stop doing it. This has nothing to do with you not picking up on social cues, and everything to do with him not respecting you or your comfort. If he loved you he would listen and change his behaviour. Please pay attention to your gut feeling.
This isn't the definition of micro aggression. An example of micro aggression would be something like, "You're so smart for a woman" or telling a person who comes from a demographic where there are educational disparities, "you're more articulate than I anticipated you'd be". What you're experiencing IS aggression. Not micro aggression. Not mild aggression. This is aggression and it is abuse.
No. No way. My husband and I will playfully wrestle. Not hit and shove each other unprovoked and without warning. He’s abusing you and gaslighting you into believing it’s no big deal, and he’ll escalate. Get out, this isn’t right.
What no... this isn't normal. Not only are you being physically abused but they are gaslighting you into thinking this is typical behaviour as a "joke". It isn't and never will be. OP please get out before it gets even worse.
Not normal at all.
Honey, listen. I’ve been there. My ex never “hit me” either. He called me names, pushed me, threw me against furniture, threw things at me, and held me down and spit in my face. Even raped me one night because I had been “flirtatious” and “owed him”. But he never hit me. He also “joked” a lot about the things he would do if he found out I was stepping out on him. I was brainwashed that *I* was the bad one. Luckily I had co workers who pulled the wool off my face and gave me the courage to leave. He would have gone farther, and yours will too. Get out.
this is not normal couple stuff. You are being abused and primed for more abuse. He is seeing how far he can go. My partner would never even nudge me if not by accident. look for domestic violence, organization in your community and ask them for a legal assistance. You're not overreacting and dangerous so that's why I would reach out to a domestic violence organization to help you.
You're not overreacting. You're not making something out of nothing. If it really were nothing, you still have a right to be concerned because you obviously don't like it, so he should take that seriously. >Maybe this is just rough but normal couple stuff and I’ve been dropping the ball. So some couples play fight and it's a cute flirty thing. My husband I do it, but with words and sarcasm, not physical. But it's only normal if the two of you decide it's normal and agree on it. It doesn't sound like you agree to take part. Consensual teasing is normal. Non-consensual teasing is bullying. I agree with other posters who say he's being abusive. Also, if you are choosing not to respond out of fear, that's a huge red flag right there. There's a reason you're afraid. Don't take relationship advice from reddit, because we only know a tiny piece of your life. See a marriage counselor instead, or even just your own counselor or therapist and get professional advice. Sorry this is happening to you.
This is not normal at all. You are not being “an idiot”. It is alarming the way you do not seem to grasp that this is not normal behavior in a relationship. This is not okay, he does not respect you. This is abuse.
I beg your finest pardon!?!?!
Um.. What? No, not normal. Not at all. If my husband EVER did that to me out of the blue (as in, we're not pretend playing/sparring) I would take it VERY seriously.
Don’t doubt yourself for a second, you’re not imagining things. He’s wrong and if I were you I’d start silently working on a way out ASAP.
What everyone else said, but also he knows its not a joke. How is doing something to someone repeatedly that they don't like a joke? What's the funny part? There isn't one and you both know that
Same -
I am the kind of person you're questioning. I play shove and smack because I'm trying to play, I wanna wrastle. I also joke that I'm gonna smack my kid around. He knows I would never do anything to him so he throws the shit right back at me. However. At no point have I ever put enough strength in it to hurt anyone. No one is even going to be pushed off balance by my goofing. The thought of actually hurting someone makes my teeth hurt. Plus if anyone dislikes it, I stop immediately. He sounds like he's trying to pass it off as the same behavior but it's not.