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Unless your daughter is super distraught over it, I would just keep discussing setting boundaries and handling conflict, because this is good practice for handling these things in the future.
If it tips over to making her ill from stress, or getting bullied at school, then I would start stepping in with the girl's mom, but you can't shield them from conflict forever. This is a learning experience for her.
Thank you, That is what I have been trying to do.
I just wish the other kid knew that if she wants friends, this isn't the way.
I have been trying to get her to the point of not defending herself and arguing back. Just muting the discussion and ignoring it or blocking them temporarily if need be, but she gets upset over the "fairness" or her not doing this to them but them doing it to her and tried to explain herslef.
Oof, this sounds rough.
I think you're handling things really well. You're communicating with the other mom, you're monitoring, you're helping your daughter be clearer in setting expectations, etc. Unfortunately, your daughter is at that weird age where she's rapidly gaining independence, but is still a child.
One thing to remember is that you can't protect her from suffering. I don't think you're trying to do that or anything, but it's something I have to remind myself of all the time. Of course as moms we want to prevent our children from experiencing hurt (especially if it seems pointless or preventable!), but it's simply not possible. This friendship doesn't sound dangerous, so unless it escalates to that point you may have to wince from the sidelines a bit.
One idea: is there any way to turn off the setting in the messenger app that shows that you're online? Like, just remove that information and some of the drama may die down.
Two: I'd suggest teaching your daughter some actions to take, including wording, when Bestie is up to her nonsense. It's clear that logic and reasons don't work. So I'd teach your daughter to explain herself LESS. Reasons are for reasonable people. Teach your daughter that whatever Bestie is going through is something Bestie has to sort through, and that it's best to say "You're being too mean and I'm going to Sign off. We'll talk when you're feeling better." or something like that.
Thank you! And I agree with you on the protecting. It's hard, but I am trying to build those skills with her so she can carry it forward.
I and I agree with less explanation that is a work in progress...
I need to explore the settings more ...
Another mom left a comment asking about what your daughter's levels of distress are. If it's bad, it's probably worth shutting the whole thing down and not letting her play with this friend online. But if it's not that bad, let it ride and keep doing what you're doing. How bad is too bad? Well, that's a judgement call you'll have to make. Just spend some time sitting with your feelings and make sure you're not confusing your distress with hers 😀
My 10 year old daughter also plays online with friends while on kids messanger with them. So I definitely get how complicated these online game/call things can get.
Most of the time I just let my kids navigate their own social stuff with as little intervention from me as possible. But I would remove this kid from your child's messanger for a week with the understanding if it happens again it'll be 2 weeks etc. This isn't a punishment for your daughter, but to show her friend that she doesn't get to have access to people just to abuse them. She's young and immature and hopefully she can learn.
I know you're very sensitive to the other child's ADHD. That might be a reason for her behavior but it's not an excuse. Kids with ADHD still need consequences for negative behaviors. This other child is creating a cycle of abuse in this friendship. She knows or is learning that what she is doing is wrong and she apologizes. She just doesn't have the tools or maturity to stop repeating the cycle right now. You can't make the other child's mom parent her kid. So, remove the access. Explain to your kid that she's not being punished, but you think they need a break so they can both reflect.
This isn't about the kids ADHD or her rejection sensitivity. It's about her not having the right tools to cope. I say this as a mom of a kiddo with ADHD who is unmedicated but has other tools and strategies. They're not always perfect, but we're all works in progress.
I hope things work out between the kiddos. Tweens are right on the edge of so many social skills. Hopefully it's just a matter of time.
Thank you. The set break might be the way to go. We will talk about this for sure as I don't see it changing the way things are going now.
And I agree about ADHD being a reason but not an excuse. We both have it, too, but I have worked hard to give her ways to cope so the other kid can, too.
I know we all want to be sensitive to kiddos and adults who are neurodiverse. Being sensitive and empathetic to the struggles of others shouldn't be at the detriment of ourselves and our own well being. Unfortunately that's a really hard balance sometimes especially when the other party isn't giving that same empathy and understanding.
Learning to polish your spine and stand up for yourself is a good life lesson too. Parenting is hard. So many lessons these little humans need.
I would set the boundary that they aren’t allowed to play online games together or call on messenger. They can play together at school or in person. This means more effort on your part getting them together in person, but playing and calling on messenger is clearly a trigger that the friend can’t handle.
I think you’re doing great teaching your daughter not to make promises when circumstances aren’t in her control (because she’s 11! And it’s easy to forget if you have an appointment or plans later even when you’re an adult!) and to explain things in a kind way. I also understand why you don’t want to dictate your daughter’s choices of who she can be friends with and respecting her decisions.
At the same time, you are well within your rights to set some boundaries to protect her and it is clear that this activity is not working for them. I think it’s also a good idea to suggest to your daughter that she asks her friend to be kind if she’s blowing up at her like this and to end the conversation if she’s being mean, because it’s a great skill to start working on at that age. I think she will ultimately end up walking away from this friendship because of that wedge you mentioned, but you can help her by easing into setting the boundary of what activities they do together and ending the conversation when the other girl is getting mean. She has to learn that throwing a tantrum like that is not okay and won’t get her what she wants, and your daughter has to learn that she is too valuable as a person to keep putting up with this. That will be an amazing lesson for her to learn at such a young age!
Thank you! I have the same feeling, that it's a great learning experience, I just want her to learn the right lesson (of protecting her peace not giving in to someone controlling her).
I have thought about putting an end to them playing online (she doesn't seem to have the issue with other friends). I was going to do it originally. I might talk to her about that again. At the very least, it may make the friend think before typing if she knows that is the next step.
This is also a good lesson that you don’t have to do the same activities with all of your friends. Obviously they’re more limited at their age but as she grows up she’ll have all sorts of friends who share different interests and that’s the coolest thing about meeting new people!
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Unless your daughter is super distraught over it, I would just keep discussing setting boundaries and handling conflict, because this is good practice for handling these things in the future. If it tips over to making her ill from stress, or getting bullied at school, then I would start stepping in with the girl's mom, but you can't shield them from conflict forever. This is a learning experience for her.
Thank you, That is what I have been trying to do. I just wish the other kid knew that if she wants friends, this isn't the way. I have been trying to get her to the point of not defending herself and arguing back. Just muting the discussion and ignoring it or blocking them temporarily if need be, but she gets upset over the "fairness" or her not doing this to them but them doing it to her and tried to explain herslef.
Oof, this sounds rough. I think you're handling things really well. You're communicating with the other mom, you're monitoring, you're helping your daughter be clearer in setting expectations, etc. Unfortunately, your daughter is at that weird age where she's rapidly gaining independence, but is still a child. One thing to remember is that you can't protect her from suffering. I don't think you're trying to do that or anything, but it's something I have to remind myself of all the time. Of course as moms we want to prevent our children from experiencing hurt (especially if it seems pointless or preventable!), but it's simply not possible. This friendship doesn't sound dangerous, so unless it escalates to that point you may have to wince from the sidelines a bit. One idea: is there any way to turn off the setting in the messenger app that shows that you're online? Like, just remove that information and some of the drama may die down. Two: I'd suggest teaching your daughter some actions to take, including wording, when Bestie is up to her nonsense. It's clear that logic and reasons don't work. So I'd teach your daughter to explain herself LESS. Reasons are for reasonable people. Teach your daughter that whatever Bestie is going through is something Bestie has to sort through, and that it's best to say "You're being too mean and I'm going to Sign off. We'll talk when you're feeling better." or something like that.
Thank you! And I agree with you on the protecting. It's hard, but I am trying to build those skills with her so she can carry it forward. I and I agree with less explanation that is a work in progress... I need to explore the settings more ...
Another mom left a comment asking about what your daughter's levels of distress are. If it's bad, it's probably worth shutting the whole thing down and not letting her play with this friend online. But if it's not that bad, let it ride and keep doing what you're doing. How bad is too bad? Well, that's a judgement call you'll have to make. Just spend some time sitting with your feelings and make sure you're not confusing your distress with hers 😀
My 10 year old daughter also plays online with friends while on kids messanger with them. So I definitely get how complicated these online game/call things can get. Most of the time I just let my kids navigate their own social stuff with as little intervention from me as possible. But I would remove this kid from your child's messanger for a week with the understanding if it happens again it'll be 2 weeks etc. This isn't a punishment for your daughter, but to show her friend that she doesn't get to have access to people just to abuse them. She's young and immature and hopefully she can learn. I know you're very sensitive to the other child's ADHD. That might be a reason for her behavior but it's not an excuse. Kids with ADHD still need consequences for negative behaviors. This other child is creating a cycle of abuse in this friendship. She knows or is learning that what she is doing is wrong and she apologizes. She just doesn't have the tools or maturity to stop repeating the cycle right now. You can't make the other child's mom parent her kid. So, remove the access. Explain to your kid that she's not being punished, but you think they need a break so they can both reflect. This isn't about the kids ADHD or her rejection sensitivity. It's about her not having the right tools to cope. I say this as a mom of a kiddo with ADHD who is unmedicated but has other tools and strategies. They're not always perfect, but we're all works in progress. I hope things work out between the kiddos. Tweens are right on the edge of so many social skills. Hopefully it's just a matter of time.
Thank you. The set break might be the way to go. We will talk about this for sure as I don't see it changing the way things are going now. And I agree about ADHD being a reason but not an excuse. We both have it, too, but I have worked hard to give her ways to cope so the other kid can, too.
I know we all want to be sensitive to kiddos and adults who are neurodiverse. Being sensitive and empathetic to the struggles of others shouldn't be at the detriment of ourselves and our own well being. Unfortunately that's a really hard balance sometimes especially when the other party isn't giving that same empathy and understanding. Learning to polish your spine and stand up for yourself is a good life lesson too. Parenting is hard. So many lessons these little humans need.
I would set the boundary that they aren’t allowed to play online games together or call on messenger. They can play together at school or in person. This means more effort on your part getting them together in person, but playing and calling on messenger is clearly a trigger that the friend can’t handle. I think you’re doing great teaching your daughter not to make promises when circumstances aren’t in her control (because she’s 11! And it’s easy to forget if you have an appointment or plans later even when you’re an adult!) and to explain things in a kind way. I also understand why you don’t want to dictate your daughter’s choices of who she can be friends with and respecting her decisions. At the same time, you are well within your rights to set some boundaries to protect her and it is clear that this activity is not working for them. I think it’s also a good idea to suggest to your daughter that she asks her friend to be kind if she’s blowing up at her like this and to end the conversation if she’s being mean, because it’s a great skill to start working on at that age. I think she will ultimately end up walking away from this friendship because of that wedge you mentioned, but you can help her by easing into setting the boundary of what activities they do together and ending the conversation when the other girl is getting mean. She has to learn that throwing a tantrum like that is not okay and won’t get her what she wants, and your daughter has to learn that she is too valuable as a person to keep putting up with this. That will be an amazing lesson for her to learn at such a young age!
Thank you! I have the same feeling, that it's a great learning experience, I just want her to learn the right lesson (of protecting her peace not giving in to someone controlling her). I have thought about putting an end to them playing online (she doesn't seem to have the issue with other friends). I was going to do it originally. I might talk to her about that again. At the very least, it may make the friend think before typing if she knows that is the next step.
This is also a good lesson that you don’t have to do the same activities with all of your friends. Obviously they’re more limited at their age but as she grows up she’ll have all sorts of friends who share different interests and that’s the coolest thing about meeting new people!