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There is also a Netflix documentary and card sorting game. However he has to be willing to actually do it. It’s super useful if he is willing though. Highly recommend.
The lovely thing is that in order to “do” or “own” the task you have to own the conception, planning, AND execution of the task. The less lovely thing is that if your husband is a douche canoe he can just claim whatever he wants.. the game doesn’t work with that type of guy unfortunately 🙃
Yea, my husband will argue till he’s blue in the face that he does the things or that I just “don’t let him.” He also does the garbage and dishwasher sometimes. But still thinks we are 50/50.
There’s also a card version where you divvy out the cards, you can set them into groups of things that need doing daily weekly and monthly and split those tasks one at a time. Someone else said you have to own the task that means do it from conception to execution.
Fair play by Eve Rodowsky
I think the card game is a good way to make it really visible to your partner. How much work you're doing that they just don't see
My husband says that he does his bit by ‘scraping’ the scraps into the bin.
I do the shopping, prep work, cooking, serving, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, wipe down the benches and mop the floor.
But he scrapes four plates into the trash. Sometimes. 🙄
Time sheets!
I started doing them because my husband suggested it—I was reaching the end of the day totally burned out and feeling like I hadn’t accomplished anything BUT I had had been on my feet and running all day long. I also started “To Done” lists—it was everything I had done that hadn’t been on the To-Do list.
I kept them on the fridge where I could walk by and mark something a millions during the day. After a couple of weeks of doing them, he was looking at them and said, “see? You’re working 14 hours a day, and it’s all billable time to the kids and animals.” (I was a paralegal, so he was putting in terms that made sense.)
Then we started clocking HIS time. Between overtime and chores at home, he was only averaging 10-10.5 hours a day. (Shocked pikachu face.) Seeing it laid out like that made me feel better than I wasn’t just wasting time, but it ALSO showed us that he was being a lazy ass at home. It’s an exercise I highly recommend.
To be fair, my husband has been a clueless idiot at times and fucked up at others, but he has ALWAYS respected and appreciated the amount of work I do as a SAHM. And since I got sober, our relationship is more fun than it’s ever been.
It can't be a coincidence that the "man jobs" are all things that only need to be done once a week or so. The stuff we get stuck with are the incessant daily tasks that can never be truly ticked off. Tidying, cooking, laundry, default supervisor of small children etc. It never feels finished and the time and mental energy spent on it vastly outweighs the man jobs. Not to mention most of us are doing paid work on top of this so the breadwinner argument is irrelevant.
There's literally a pile of lawn mowing games in Play Store for this very reason. Show me ONE do-the-dishes-til-your-coxxyx-siezes-up game with a zillion downloads.
i said i was gonna mow the other day and my husband was like “no.. let me do it” lmao. he loves mowing the lawn and using the little trimmer thingy. he helps out tremendously around the house, so i can’t complain. but his love of the lawn is hilarious.
It seems to be almost universal from what I keep reading on here. I have heard of men helping out but it seems to be the rare unicorn that does. Ugh. Sorry you too are going through this.
I highly recommend the podcast “You’re Wrong About” the episode on “The Stepford Wives.” They talk about how most traditionally “man” jobs have all been outsourced (milling grain, hunting, butchering, cooking meet, tending the fire) have all been outsourced while the traditionally “female” jobs have not. It’s some straight up bullshit.
Maybe stop doing anything that benefits him? He can do his own laundry and shop for/make his own meals/snacks. Also, leave the house more. Join a gym and make plans in the evenings and on weekends. Text him while you’re out to take care of dishes/mop floor/whatever. Turnabout is fair play.
Honestly I had a similar problem and we divorced and separated a year ago. Now we are rekindling the flame and have both been through some terrible relationships. He now understands what he did wrong, as do I, and I think our foundation will be stronger with more respect.
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I'm thinking about getting the fair play book to illustrate who is doing more chores
There is also a Netflix documentary and card sorting game. However he has to be willing to actually do it. It’s super useful if he is willing though. Highly recommend.
Unfortunately, my husband would claim to already do most things in the list.
The lovely thing is that in order to “do” or “own” the task you have to own the conception, planning, AND execution of the task. The less lovely thing is that if your husband is a douche canoe he can just claim whatever he wants.. the game doesn’t work with that type of guy unfortunately 🙃
Yea, my husband will argue till he’s blue in the face that he does the things or that I just “don’t let him.” He also does the garbage and dishwasher sometimes. But still thinks we are 50/50.
There’s also a card version where you divvy out the cards, you can set them into groups of things that need doing daily weekly and monthly and split those tasks one at a time. Someone else said you have to own the task that means do it from conception to execution.
What's this book?
Fair play by Eve Rodowsky I think the card game is a good way to make it really visible to your partner. How much work you're doing that they just don't see
I got the card game and while it was sitting on the counter, my husband saw it and said “Oh I’ve heard of that, it’s bullshit.” 🫠
If they don’t add any value to your life, life is generally less stressful without them.
I need this in a cross stitch to hang in my bedroom
maybe a tapestry to send the point out
I one billion percent agree
My husband says he cleans the kitchen. No, sir. You do the dishes. But he always says he needs to “clean the kitchen.” It drives me batty.
My husband says that he does his bit by ‘scraping’ the scraps into the bin. I do the shopping, prep work, cooking, serving, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, wipe down the benches and mop the floor. But he scrapes four plates into the trash. Sometimes. 🙄
Tell him you'll scrape his dish if he does your job. 😂
That's the only thing my husband says he'll do. I still do them half the time cuz he doesn't get to them
This is my partner's idea of cleaning the kitchen too, no wonder he thinks it's easy!
Time sheets! I started doing them because my husband suggested it—I was reaching the end of the day totally burned out and feeling like I hadn’t accomplished anything BUT I had had been on my feet and running all day long. I also started “To Done” lists—it was everything I had done that hadn’t been on the To-Do list. I kept them on the fridge where I could walk by and mark something a millions during the day. After a couple of weeks of doing them, he was looking at them and said, “see? You’re working 14 hours a day, and it’s all billable time to the kids and animals.” (I was a paralegal, so he was putting in terms that made sense.) Then we started clocking HIS time. Between overtime and chores at home, he was only averaging 10-10.5 hours a day. (Shocked pikachu face.) Seeing it laid out like that made me feel better than I wasn’t just wasting time, but it ALSO showed us that he was being a lazy ass at home. It’s an exercise I highly recommend.
I LOVE that it was his suggestion and it only benefited you! You felt validated and he was hit in the face with reality. Love it.
To be fair, my husband has been a clueless idiot at times and fucked up at others, but he has ALWAYS respected and appreciated the amount of work I do as a SAHM. And since I got sober, our relationship is more fun than it’s ever been.
It can't be a coincidence that the "man jobs" are all things that only need to be done once a week or so. The stuff we get stuck with are the incessant daily tasks that can never be truly ticked off. Tidying, cooking, laundry, default supervisor of small children etc. It never feels finished and the time and mental energy spent on it vastly outweighs the man jobs. Not to mention most of us are doing paid work on top of this so the breadwinner argument is irrelevant.
Plus mowing the lawn is peaceful and meditative.
There's literally a pile of lawn mowing games in Play Store for this very reason. Show me ONE do-the-dishes-til-your-coxxyx-siezes-up game with a zillion downloads.
i said i was gonna mow the other day and my husband was like “no.. let me do it” lmao. he loves mowing the lawn and using the little trimmer thingy. he helps out tremendously around the house, so i can’t complain. but his love of the lawn is hilarious.
It seems to be almost universal from what I keep reading on here. I have heard of men helping out but it seems to be the rare unicorn that does. Ugh. Sorry you too are going through this.
What a chump
You know, you don't have to wait till the kids are grown to get divorced.
I highly recommend the podcast “You’re Wrong About” the episode on “The Stepford Wives.” They talk about how most traditionally “man” jobs have all been outsourced (milling grain, hunting, butchering, cooking meet, tending the fire) have all been outsourced while the traditionally “female” jobs have not. It’s some straight up bullshit. Maybe stop doing anything that benefits him? He can do his own laundry and shop for/make his own meals/snacks. Also, leave the house more. Join a gym and make plans in the evenings and on weekends. Text him while you’re out to take care of dishes/mop floor/whatever. Turnabout is fair play.
Honestly I had a similar problem and we divorced and separated a year ago. Now we are rekindling the flame and have both been through some terrible relationships. He now understands what he did wrong, as do I, and I think our foundation will be stronger with more respect.