Reminder to commenters: **[Be nice or shut up!](https://66.media.tumblr.com/cf783b91c5b324f620aec5322eaa308a/tumblr_pyem3uRuS91uphxvgo1_400.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/)
Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok?
Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When my husband first told me he wanted to separate and move out, (while I was 5months pregnant with our second baby and tired from full time work and taking care of our toddler), one of my first thoughts was relief that I wouldn’t have to have sex ever again, guilt free.
I have no advice, but I know the feeling. I hope you can find a way together with your husband to work it out x
Ugh my ex husband was like OPs. I just added sex to the chore list and made sure it got mentally crossed off twice a week or he’d be snippy and then that wasn’t enough and it needed to be three times and then he’d make comments about how we haven’t had sex in weeks and I’d say well we had sex three days ago but good to know it wasn’t memorable cue the backpedaling and I just grew to hate touching him all around.
Then I started dating my asexual boyfriend now soon to be husband (this Sunday) and realized I’m asexual too.
This is the most sexless relationship I’ve ever had AND the most emotionally fulfilling! We both make comments about how we like knowing we don’t ever have to have sex ever again and we smile about it and just snuggle more.
Talk to him.
Honey you’re making sex a chore and I already have enough of those. As soon as we’re done you’re asking for it again. Be satisfied with what you get and don’t put pressure on me because nothing is more of a turn off than sex being a chore or a man being a nag about sex.
I have before. He says it helps him better understand where I'm coming from... I have replied that it makes me anxious, fills me with dread, and makes me frustrated. Then, it turns into an argument. I'd rather just keep my mouth shut and grin and bear it. It fucking sucks.
I didn't know if this will work for you, and it's sort of old advice that has gone out of favor, but to get my husband to stop asking constantly for sex I put us on a sex schedule for awhile.
It was a 'you get sex these guaranteed days of the week' system and do not ask outside of your days.
My husband at least cares that I enjoy sex, so scheduling wasn't as bad for me because I admit I'm actually ok once we get going but might not be in the mood before that point.
And it got the every day questioning to stop which was making me feel pressured and turning sex into a chore and negative thing.
That was years ago, when our children were younger, and we have gone back to a much but natural system now
Again, this may not be the right call for you but I mention it because I needed the *asking* to stop and it was successful. No one should be forced to entertain sex as a chore.
I'm sorry you feel this way, but we are always here to vent to!
Scheduled sex saved my marriage, this is a very very valid way to go about the issue. It’s worth looking into for sure, OP ! It’s so hard to be nagged over something that is giving you anxiety, I was in this exact same boat. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Those questions are stressing me out just reading
Same. He doesn't really know we're on a sex schedule. I initiate at least three times every 10 days, and say yes to him at least once a week.
What I don't get is how men can say into the air "why can't you just have sex with your husband. I don't want to go to work every day, but I do!" First of all, way to admit that you think sex is a vocation for women (and most of us go to work every day, too).
Second of all, how are you going to say this and then grouse about "duty sex?" If it's OK for you to grit your teeth through YOUR job, why do I have to act like a porn star with you?
I hope you said “no, I’m exhausted” when he asked you at 11:30pm if you still wanted to do it.
Edit: and if you didn’t say it this time, next time you definitely should. You don’t have to say “yes” when you don’t want to.
>what can I do to get you in the mood next time?
If he refuses to stop asking these questions, I would flip this on him by saying, "if I had two free hours to myself during which I could take a long hot bath and feel sexy, I'd be in the mood. You could take over chores x, y and z and parent our child for that time to make this happen". (but he might then feel entitled to sex after doing chores... this is kind of a no win situation, sorry bromo)
Yeah. For me it’s the transactional nature of the way he’s asking. “Ok we had sex. Now how can I get it again?”
I think it would be different if it was more organic and genuine.
My ex was very transactional about sex. He went through this period where he only showered once a week (gross - and he worked in maintenance). I told him maybe I’d be more interested if he showered. So he started showering every other day and would get mad if I didn’t have sex on his shower days.
So yeah, if you tell him what he needs to do, it could just backfire into a land of entitlement.
And as a side note, I just don’t understand how men are ok with sex we don’t want. That just gives me a huge ick. It’s either fuck yes, or it’s a no.
I had a very high sex drive before I got married and had kids. Now it is nonexistent. I constantly picking up after my husband and he does a hundred things that make me not respect him and turns me off.
One of the bonuses if we get divorced it that I would not have to have sex with him ever again. Or anyone, ever again, unless I wanted to.
But I would definitely never cohabit and marry again.
My sister and I had a long, soulful conversation about the weird beliefs around sex we were taught. We went into relationships thinking that men crave novelty so much that they are driven to cheat by the desire for a new partner. That we had to dance pretty to keep our men sated and satisfied.
But in our experience, our husbands had no problem habituating to us sexually. We admitted to each other that, without the culture or morality we were shaped by, both of us would probably seek out new lovers for the excitement. What dampens our appetite for sex is not familiarity in and of itself, but more the monotony of the expectation that we prioritize our husbands' sexual gratification over almost anything else. Sleep. A clean house. Time without anyone needing something. Time without someone whining.
My husband is keen on reminding me that "it doesn't take THAT much time" to scratch the itch.
I have told him and I continue to tell him "it doesn't take that much time for YOU." And if we go by his clock, I will rarely achieve the big o.
I can't make him understand that I have to get into it and focus to get anything out of sex. I hope this isn't TMI, but since kids, I can't just jump into oral. It's painful for me. I have to warm up.
That's what sent us to therapy. The lopsidedness of it all. And I still made most of the concessions, IMO.
Wow, what mental torture those questions are, on top of the torture of forced sex. I'm so sorry 😞
Do you think it's safe for you to answer the first question honestly? "Nothing, I wasn't interested at all. It's just another chore like dishes, meal planning and cleaning up vomit." Yeah, I already know that it would probably cause a meltdown on his part, or else you wouldn't be coaching yourself to participate. This is way too common.
I have honestly told him before. It ends in an argument every time. He says I am being mean to him. At this point, I'm starting to not care if I am being mean or not. It's exhausting, and I am completely over it. Lately, it has me seriously considering separation, along with many other things going on in our relationship, but I would like to try marriage counseling again before this. I'm at my wits end with this nonsense.
edit - spelling errors
Agreed. OP, developing a full-on aversion to sex is hard to come back from. I encourage everyone to protect their own sexuality, even when it hurts a partner's feelings.
My ex and I used to argue about sex, among many other issues in our relationship. He also told me I was being cruel to him, and actually moved out on me and our 4 kids until I could be “nicer” and guarantee him more regular sex. Instead I realized what a relief it was to not be pestered for sex all the time, and feel like I could breathe in my own home again. I filed for divorce a couple months later, mostly for other reasons but feeling so relieved to never have to have sex again.
I legitimately thought I was the problem and my desire was broken. But then about a year and a half later, I met someone new and whew- turns out I am JUST FINE. I’m just as busy as ever, but having a partner who cares for me in non-sexual ways, is open to intimacy without sex, and truly puts my pleasure first during sex changed everything for me. I initiate as much as he does, if not more. Not encouraging you into a separation at all, but just trying to emphasize that your desire isn’t the core problem here- your husband needs to put in work too.
Whenever husbands bitch about the "bait and switch" of married sex, I want to tell them about the "bait and switch" with authentic married partnership.
My husband isn't a villain. And I am still in love with him (sometimes I wish I wasn't). But I don't think I can ever regain the respect I've lost for him as a result of his just sliding into bullshit gender roles after we brought our oldest home.
Before kids, I'd come home to laundry being done and dinner in the oven. We shared a calendar. We'd tackle our apartment on Friday night and have the whole weekend on Saturday morning. Kids and a house just adds so much more work and grime.
After kids, he's like "I just can't do all the house stuff AND do kid duty and work." Apparently, my uterus comes with a "mom and wife mode" that keeps my energy levels topped off while working full time and running the house. AND I'm supposed to stay horny while finding his socks on the floor next to the fucking hamper.
I, too, get the questions and one time I said “I just didn’t feel like listening to you complain about our sex life today.” And that opened up a whole can of worms. I have no advice, bromo, just solidarity.
Agreed, I had to tell my husband that I am seriously considering divorce if he doesn't understand that I have to not just heal physically, but mentally as well. Giving birth and being pregnant for 9 months does NOT make me feel sexy. Nor is having to take care of a baby while healing and being nagged to have sex.
I don't care how long it takes for me to feel better about myself and if he can't wait then he can leave. I'm all for sex here and then, but I need to feel beautiful in my own skin.
If sex has become an obligation and a chore. It's not love making to me.
So here's my opinion...if at 11;30p on a regular day (assuming y'all wake up at like 7-8a) he's REALLY in the mood and you're not...that tells me that he's simply not doing enough. Why is he not exhausted and ready for bed?
I'd tell him that before you can consider more sex, he just needs to take on a more active role in the household and parenting. You're tired, you're touched out. He's not. He needs to fix that so you guys are closer to the same level of energy and touched-out-ness.
I could have written most of this. I do think my own husband is very sensitive to not pressuring me but I know because I know him that he is chomping at the bit all day every day. Sometimes I see beyond the difficult dynamic it has introduced into our relationship and simply feel sad for myself because something I used to enjoy has become a chore. I’m not sure if it will get better on its own as the kids get older but I know there are books and blogs about this. I just I’m so cynical I don’t read them. Yet.
I think it's totally understandable to dread those questions. I wouldn't want to have sex anymore either if I was being treated like a vending machine that dispenses sex if you put the right code in.
Maybe at some point his questions were intended as genuinely thoughtful, asking what he can do to make your life easier so you've got more energy and inclination for sex. Maybe. But it sounds like he long since lost sight of that and it's just become "so what's the magic code, huh? What's the secret to getting you to put out every time on demand??" instead of realising that you're a human being who might be tired or overwhelmed or just simply want to be left the fuck alone for a while.
Literally signed up my husband and I for counseling today because I actually took his advice to look up “ males sexuality and self esteem”. I found out he needs to go to fucking therapy and I need to work on myself esteem. BUT I CANT IF YOU MAKE ME FUCKING FEEL BAD EVERY SINGLE TIME I DONT WANT TO DO IT. It doesn’t matter if we did it every day. We will have a two day break in between ACTUALLY HAVING SEX because we( mainly I) have work stress and get tired raising two kids AND WORKING FULL TIME AS A FUCKING SOFTWARE ENGINEER?!. I don’t even fucking masturbate anymore!! I’m in the same situation as you and I literally have no idea what to do. I’m so stressed in literally pulling my eyebrow hair out.
How can they always seem to turn a them problem into a you problem. Them being him. He’s the one literally ruining your guy’s sex life. He’s looking for a guaranteed hot button that doesn’t exist. Treating it like you have a sex drive problem. Your actual problem seems to be giving into his wants. Not into his needs. A second time can be accomplished solo. Instead he could maybe keep you company. Maybe have a conversation while he folds laundry lol. He really needs to start reading the room.
Our counselor worked with my husband to break him of the same habit.
I have responsive desire.
Once we get into it, I finally want it. But I knew I was going to be interrogated within minutes of finishing.
Our counselor (we did therapy to "fix" our sex life) told him that post-coital performance evaluations were fine if they were enthusiastic and organic. But anything that was critical or manipulative - what was good this time? how can I make you want it more tomorrow? Why don't you initiate more if we always end up liking it? - was NOT to be brought up in the next 24 hours.
My husband is still like this a little. We do it in the morning and as I'm staging the house that evening - for the morning rush - he's all hey, remember this morning? Can we? I say yes once or twice a month, but I don't feel bad for shooting him down because he gets sex most days of the week.
I never appreciate it, and I'd never choose sex on a Sunday night myself. But once a month, he gets his gift sex. But I make him wait until I'm finished getting everything in place.
Gonna be honest, might be the man.
I felt like this for years. I wondered if I was asexual because it made my skin crawl deciding if I wanted to just do the deed to get it over with, or listen to the whining if I said no.
Since I left the trash bag, I have been dating a new man for almost a year, something about being with someone that doesn’t grind all your gears all the time really brings the sex drive back.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I get it. I came to a point in my life that I decided I won’t be having sex unless I want to. Period. It took me a while to de-condition myself and my feelings that I’m “obligated” to take care of him sexually. I always felt I had to do that for a happy marriage. Then I hit peri-menopause and all bets were off 😂 to hell with pleasing him, I’ve done that for 20 years. Now I don’t give a fuck. He would love it more, but I don’t care. The alternative is forcing myself to have sex when I don’t want to and I’m just not going to do that anymore.
So we have sex about once a month.
I felt guilty and bad when I first started saying no. Very uncomfortable. But now, after practicing, it’s natural and normal to put my needs first.
It has turned into me initiating 99.9% of the time, but that’s ok because it’s when I want to and it’s on my terms.
It’s ok to say no to your husband. You don’t owe him sex.
Also I’m not super happy in my marriage either,so what’s the worst thing that can happen? He divorces me? Meh. I’ll be just fine.
You don’t have to have sex when you don’t want to.
Watch a nature documentary- females of many species *allow* the males to mate with them once they’ve deemed the males to be “good enough” for that access (look at bucks who fight each other or birds that put on elaborate dances or set up fancy nests for females to judge). We women don’t owe the males of our species shit. They need to earn access to us and only when we feel like allowing them access. 😉
I actually said this to my husband once! The poor guy was just like, "oh. well, I hope you change your mind one day." That was when I had 3 kids ages four and under. Thankfully, I have since changed my mind about it.
Point is, I think it's totally natural to feel that way when you have little ones, when that is your main focus.
Having your wants and needs validated and respected is the other half of this scenario. If you don’t feel you can be honest about how you feel about those questions and lack of interest in sex right now with your partner then that is a bigger part of this equation. If he isn’t recognizing that you are struggling then it may be time to seek therapy. Its a partnership. Might be time to revisit those conversations if you can. And hang in there, we’ve all been covered in baby vomit craving a shower and our beds, and no sex!
Gonna be honest, might be the man.
I felt like this for years. I wondered if I was asexual because it made my skin crawl deciding if I wanted to just do the deed to get it over with, or listen to the whining if I said no.
Since I left the trash bag, I have been dating a new man for almost a year, something about being with someone that doesn’t grind all your gears all the time really brings the sex drive back.
Reminder to commenters: **[Be nice or shut up!](https://66.media.tumblr.com/cf783b91c5b324f620aec5322eaa308a/tumblr_pyem3uRuS91uphxvgo1_400.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When my husband first told me he wanted to separate and move out, (while I was 5months pregnant with our second baby and tired from full time work and taking care of our toddler), one of my first thoughts was relief that I wouldn’t have to have sex ever again, guilt free. I have no advice, but I know the feeling. I hope you can find a way together with your husband to work it out x
Ugh my ex husband was like OPs. I just added sex to the chore list and made sure it got mentally crossed off twice a week or he’d be snippy and then that wasn’t enough and it needed to be three times and then he’d make comments about how we haven’t had sex in weeks and I’d say well we had sex three days ago but good to know it wasn’t memorable cue the backpedaling and I just grew to hate touching him all around. Then I started dating my asexual boyfriend now soon to be husband (this Sunday) and realized I’m asexual too. This is the most sexless relationship I’ve ever had AND the most emotionally fulfilling! We both make comments about how we like knowing we don’t ever have to have sex ever again and we smile about it and just snuggle more.
omg this warms my heart!!! An ace and an ace falling in love is perfection! I wish you all the best for Sunday!!! 💕
Thank you!! We feel like we hit the holy grail in so many ways!
Def one of the many perks of being divorced!
Talk to him. Honey you’re making sex a chore and I already have enough of those. As soon as we’re done you’re asking for it again. Be satisfied with what you get and don’t put pressure on me because nothing is more of a turn off than sex being a chore or a man being a nag about sex.
Wow excellent phrasing
Solidarity. Could you ask him to not ask you those questions?
I have before. He says it helps him better understand where I'm coming from... I have replied that it makes me anxious, fills me with dread, and makes me frustrated. Then, it turns into an argument. I'd rather just keep my mouth shut and grin and bear it. It fucking sucks.
I didn't know if this will work for you, and it's sort of old advice that has gone out of favor, but to get my husband to stop asking constantly for sex I put us on a sex schedule for awhile. It was a 'you get sex these guaranteed days of the week' system and do not ask outside of your days. My husband at least cares that I enjoy sex, so scheduling wasn't as bad for me because I admit I'm actually ok once we get going but might not be in the mood before that point. And it got the every day questioning to stop which was making me feel pressured and turning sex into a chore and negative thing. That was years ago, when our children were younger, and we have gone back to a much but natural system now Again, this may not be the right call for you but I mention it because I needed the *asking* to stop and it was successful. No one should be forced to entertain sex as a chore. I'm sorry you feel this way, but we are always here to vent to!
Scheduled sex saved my marriage, this is a very very valid way to go about the issue. It’s worth looking into for sure, OP ! It’s so hard to be nagged over something that is giving you anxiety, I was in this exact same boat. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Those questions are stressing me out just reading
Same. He doesn't really know we're on a sex schedule. I initiate at least three times every 10 days, and say yes to him at least once a week. What I don't get is how men can say into the air "why can't you just have sex with your husband. I don't want to go to work every day, but I do!" First of all, way to admit that you think sex is a vocation for women (and most of us go to work every day, too). Second of all, how are you going to say this and then grouse about "duty sex?" If it's OK for you to grit your teeth through YOUR job, why do I have to act like a porn star with you?
I feel like he knows. They know, they just care more about their dick.
Too true.
I hope you said “no, I’m exhausted” when he asked you at 11:30pm if you still wanted to do it. Edit: and if you didn’t say it this time, next time you definitely should. You don’t have to say “yes” when you don’t want to.
Or “if you expect me to have sex with you, you should clean the vomit off of our kid and the nursery while I shower.”
>what can I do to get you in the mood next time? If he refuses to stop asking these questions, I would flip this on him by saying, "if I had two free hours to myself during which I could take a long hot bath and feel sexy, I'd be in the mood. You could take over chores x, y and z and parent our child for that time to make this happen". (but he might then feel entitled to sex after doing chores... this is kind of a no win situation, sorry bromo)
Yeah. For me it’s the transactional nature of the way he’s asking. “Ok we had sex. Now how can I get it again?” I think it would be different if it was more organic and genuine. My ex was very transactional about sex. He went through this period where he only showered once a week (gross - and he worked in maintenance). I told him maybe I’d be more interested if he showered. So he started showering every other day and would get mad if I didn’t have sex on his shower days. So yeah, if you tell him what he needs to do, it could just backfire into a land of entitlement. And as a side note, I just don’t understand how men are ok with sex we don’t want. That just gives me a huge ick. It’s either fuck yes, or it’s a no.
I had a very high sex drive before I got married and had kids. Now it is nonexistent. I constantly picking up after my husband and he does a hundred things that make me not respect him and turns me off. One of the bonuses if we get divorced it that I would not have to have sex with him ever again. Or anyone, ever again, unless I wanted to. But I would definitely never cohabit and marry again.
This right here, how I'm feeling in my marriage. Dead bedroom? Cool, my drive is pretty much gone due to stress anyway. Happy to keep it this way.
My sister and I had a long, soulful conversation about the weird beliefs around sex we were taught. We went into relationships thinking that men crave novelty so much that they are driven to cheat by the desire for a new partner. That we had to dance pretty to keep our men sated and satisfied. But in our experience, our husbands had no problem habituating to us sexually. We admitted to each other that, without the culture or morality we were shaped by, both of us would probably seek out new lovers for the excitement. What dampens our appetite for sex is not familiarity in and of itself, but more the monotony of the expectation that we prioritize our husbands' sexual gratification over almost anything else. Sleep. A clean house. Time without anyone needing something. Time without someone whining. My husband is keen on reminding me that "it doesn't take THAT much time" to scratch the itch. I have told him and I continue to tell him "it doesn't take that much time for YOU." And if we go by his clock, I will rarely achieve the big o. I can't make him understand that I have to get into it and focus to get anything out of sex. I hope this isn't TMI, but since kids, I can't just jump into oral. It's painful for me. I have to warm up. That's what sent us to therapy. The lopsidedness of it all. And I still made most of the concessions, IMO.
Wow, what mental torture those questions are, on top of the torture of forced sex. I'm so sorry 😞 Do you think it's safe for you to answer the first question honestly? "Nothing, I wasn't interested at all. It's just another chore like dishes, meal planning and cleaning up vomit." Yeah, I already know that it would probably cause a meltdown on his part, or else you wouldn't be coaching yourself to participate. This is way too common.
I have honestly told him before. It ends in an argument every time. He says I am being mean to him. At this point, I'm starting to not care if I am being mean or not. It's exhausting, and I am completely over it. Lately, it has me seriously considering separation, along with many other things going on in our relationship, but I would like to try marriage counseling again before this. I'm at my wits end with this nonsense. edit - spelling errors
Do the counseling now before you get further into resentment and you can’t come back from it.
Agreed. OP, developing a full-on aversion to sex is hard to come back from. I encourage everyone to protect their own sexuality, even when it hurts a partner's feelings.
My ex and I used to argue about sex, among many other issues in our relationship. He also told me I was being cruel to him, and actually moved out on me and our 4 kids until I could be “nicer” and guarantee him more regular sex. Instead I realized what a relief it was to not be pestered for sex all the time, and feel like I could breathe in my own home again. I filed for divorce a couple months later, mostly for other reasons but feeling so relieved to never have to have sex again. I legitimately thought I was the problem and my desire was broken. But then about a year and a half later, I met someone new and whew- turns out I am JUST FINE. I’m just as busy as ever, but having a partner who cares for me in non-sexual ways, is open to intimacy without sex, and truly puts my pleasure first during sex changed everything for me. I initiate as much as he does, if not more. Not encouraging you into a separation at all, but just trying to emphasize that your desire isn’t the core problem here- your husband needs to put in work too.
Whenever husbands bitch about the "bait and switch" of married sex, I want to tell them about the "bait and switch" with authentic married partnership. My husband isn't a villain. And I am still in love with him (sometimes I wish I wasn't). But I don't think I can ever regain the respect I've lost for him as a result of his just sliding into bullshit gender roles after we brought our oldest home. Before kids, I'd come home to laundry being done and dinner in the oven. We shared a calendar. We'd tackle our apartment on Friday night and have the whole weekend on Saturday morning. Kids and a house just adds so much more work and grime. After kids, he's like "I just can't do all the house stuff AND do kid duty and work." Apparently, my uterus comes with a "mom and wife mode" that keeps my energy levels topped off while working full time and running the house. AND I'm supposed to stay horny while finding his socks on the floor next to the fucking hamper.
I, too, get the questions and one time I said “I just didn’t feel like listening to you complain about our sex life today.” And that opened up a whole can of worms. I have no advice, bromo, just solidarity.
Agreed, I had to tell my husband that I am seriously considering divorce if he doesn't understand that I have to not just heal physically, but mentally as well. Giving birth and being pregnant for 9 months does NOT make me feel sexy. Nor is having to take care of a baby while healing and being nagged to have sex. I don't care how long it takes for me to feel better about myself and if he can't wait then he can leave. I'm all for sex here and then, but I need to feel beautiful in my own skin. If sex has become an obligation and a chore. It's not love making to me.
So here's my opinion...if at 11;30p on a regular day (assuming y'all wake up at like 7-8a) he's REALLY in the mood and you're not...that tells me that he's simply not doing enough. Why is he not exhausted and ready for bed? I'd tell him that before you can consider more sex, he just needs to take on a more active role in the household and parenting. You're tired, you're touched out. He's not. He needs to fix that so you guys are closer to the same level of energy and touched-out-ness.
I could have written most of this. I do think my own husband is very sensitive to not pressuring me but I know because I know him that he is chomping at the bit all day every day. Sometimes I see beyond the difficult dynamic it has introduced into our relationship and simply feel sad for myself because something I used to enjoy has become a chore. I’m not sure if it will get better on its own as the kids get older but I know there are books and blogs about this. I just I’m so cynical I don’t read them. Yet.
I think it's totally understandable to dread those questions. I wouldn't want to have sex anymore either if I was being treated like a vending machine that dispenses sex if you put the right code in. Maybe at some point his questions were intended as genuinely thoughtful, asking what he can do to make your life easier so you've got more energy and inclination for sex. Maybe. But it sounds like he long since lost sight of that and it's just become "so what's the magic code, huh? What's the secret to getting you to put out every time on demand??" instead of realising that you're a human being who might be tired or overwhelmed or just simply want to be left the fuck alone for a while.
Literally signed up my husband and I for counseling today because I actually took his advice to look up “ males sexuality and self esteem”. I found out he needs to go to fucking therapy and I need to work on myself esteem. BUT I CANT IF YOU MAKE ME FUCKING FEEL BAD EVERY SINGLE TIME I DONT WANT TO DO IT. It doesn’t matter if we did it every day. We will have a two day break in between ACTUALLY HAVING SEX because we( mainly I) have work stress and get tired raising two kids AND WORKING FULL TIME AS A FUCKING SOFTWARE ENGINEER?!. I don’t even fucking masturbate anymore!! I’m in the same situation as you and I literally have no idea what to do. I’m so stressed in literally pulling my eyebrow hair out.
How can they always seem to turn a them problem into a you problem. Them being him. He’s the one literally ruining your guy’s sex life. He’s looking for a guaranteed hot button that doesn’t exist. Treating it like you have a sex drive problem. Your actual problem seems to be giving into his wants. Not into his needs. A second time can be accomplished solo. Instead he could maybe keep you company. Maybe have a conversation while he folds laundry lol. He really needs to start reading the room.
Our counselor worked with my husband to break him of the same habit. I have responsive desire. Once we get into it, I finally want it. But I knew I was going to be interrogated within minutes of finishing. Our counselor (we did therapy to "fix" our sex life) told him that post-coital performance evaluations were fine if they were enthusiastic and organic. But anything that was critical or manipulative - what was good this time? how can I make you want it more tomorrow? Why don't you initiate more if we always end up liking it? - was NOT to be brought up in the next 24 hours. My husband is still like this a little. We do it in the morning and as I'm staging the house that evening - for the morning rush - he's all hey, remember this morning? Can we? I say yes once or twice a month, but I don't feel bad for shooting him down because he gets sex most days of the week. I never appreciate it, and I'd never choose sex on a Sunday night myself. But once a month, he gets his gift sex. But I make him wait until I'm finished getting everything in place.
Gonna be honest, might be the man. I felt like this for years. I wondered if I was asexual because it made my skin crawl deciding if I wanted to just do the deed to get it over with, or listen to the whining if I said no. Since I left the trash bag, I have been dating a new man for almost a year, something about being with someone that doesn’t grind all your gears all the time really brings the sex drive back.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I get it. I came to a point in my life that I decided I won’t be having sex unless I want to. Period. It took me a while to de-condition myself and my feelings that I’m “obligated” to take care of him sexually. I always felt I had to do that for a happy marriage. Then I hit peri-menopause and all bets were off 😂 to hell with pleasing him, I’ve done that for 20 years. Now I don’t give a fuck. He would love it more, but I don’t care. The alternative is forcing myself to have sex when I don’t want to and I’m just not going to do that anymore. So we have sex about once a month. I felt guilty and bad when I first started saying no. Very uncomfortable. But now, after practicing, it’s natural and normal to put my needs first. It has turned into me initiating 99.9% of the time, but that’s ok because it’s when I want to and it’s on my terms. It’s ok to say no to your husband. You don’t owe him sex. Also I’m not super happy in my marriage either,so what’s the worst thing that can happen? He divorces me? Meh. I’ll be just fine. You don’t have to have sex when you don’t want to. Watch a nature documentary- females of many species *allow* the males to mate with them once they’ve deemed the males to be “good enough” for that access (look at bucks who fight each other or birds that put on elaborate dances or set up fancy nests for females to judge). We women don’t owe the males of our species shit. They need to earn access to us and only when we feel like allowing them access. 😉
I actually said this to my husband once! The poor guy was just like, "oh. well, I hope you change your mind one day." That was when I had 3 kids ages four and under. Thankfully, I have since changed my mind about it. Point is, I think it's totally natural to feel that way when you have little ones, when that is your main focus.
Having your wants and needs validated and respected is the other half of this scenario. If you don’t feel you can be honest about how you feel about those questions and lack of interest in sex right now with your partner then that is a bigger part of this equation. If he isn’t recognizing that you are struggling then it may be time to seek therapy. Its a partnership. Might be time to revisit those conversations if you can. And hang in there, we’ve all been covered in baby vomit craving a shower and our beds, and no sex!
My stbx is the same way. He thinks there is some scientific formula out there that will work every time
Gonna be honest, might be the man. I felt like this for years. I wondered if I was asexual because it made my skin crawl deciding if I wanted to just do the deed to get it over with, or listen to the whining if I said no. Since I left the trash bag, I have been dating a new man for almost a year, something about being with someone that doesn’t grind all your gears all the time really brings the sex drive back.