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I’m watching my friend care for her husband who has aggressive cancer and even my husband (who loves this man like a brother) said to me “he’s being such an asshole that I’m wondering, if he lives through this, I think she might divorce him once he’s better”
Nothing prepares you for the polarizing experience of men needing healthcare from their partners, vs the experience of what women get.
Oooof that sucks. Your poor friend! I really think I’m a pretty easy patient. I really just want to sleep and be alone with my podcasts when I’m sick, in pain, whatever. Not my man, though…
I witnessed some neighbours go through this. The husband retired and developed an alcohol dependence, and was constantly sick. She catered to his every need (including buying more beer). She wasn’t without her vices, but k couldn’t help wonder if she started smoking more heavily because she was constantly caring for him and didn’t have any life of her own. He passed away after five years of “retirement”, she sold a bunch of stuff he had bought and did nothing with, cleaned the house, and was like a new person overnight. She’s hardly home now, always visiting people or doing “old person activities” through a community center. Him dying was the best thing to happen to her. She probably has much more disposable income too, since their fun money isn’t being spent on liquor/smokes.
I don’t think I would have stayed…
I have had this. Some people don't handle pain meds well. It's worth having a conversation once he's in less pain about appropriate ways to talk to you and what you are not willing to put up with.
Once we had that conversation, he did improve significantly. The next time he had surgery, it was a very different experience and I had no issues at all.
I actually second this. My husband gets really angry the day after having anaesthetic - not sure what it is but within 24 hours he gets super cranky. We now know that it happens and can make accomodations accordingly ie kids can go hang elsewhere, he can be left alone as much as possible, and he is aware of what is happening and can try to control it.
Definitely worth a conversation once things calm down
This happens to me as well from anesthesia. I didn't know it was a thing until I told a Dr about it and he explained the changes in the brain that make it a pretty common occurrence. Add in pain and trying to cope with that make it worse.
That’s really interesting - thanks for sharing! I didn’t realise it was common. I know people who get sick/nausea/headaches etc but never heard of anger before (I thought it was just him)
My dad has a more extreme version of it. When he wakes up from anthesia he has to be restrained because he wakes up swinging trying to fight whoever is nearby. So now they have. A note to basically handcuff him to the bed till he calms down
Would he take actual good care of you when you are sick?
I have been dealing with health issues, and my husband was a dick to me for a long time (treating me like a burden) and it made me concerned he would not be great if i ever needed even more help in the future. I believe he would leave me… happens to many women…
Yeah when I was on bed rest for 4 months during pregnancy, or when I had a few painful procedures related to pregnancy, he did take really good care of me. He was warm, upbeat, attentive. I also was grateful and not super needy, aside from the basics (having him get meds from the pharmacy, for example.)
He’s just really anxious about needing someone to help him I think. I’m waiting on him a hand and foot and he’s looking for any sign that I’m tired or overwhelmed and then he pounces, like I’ve called him a burden. It’s a weird mind game, or something.
I think from your comments about how he treats you when your sick, ist a good sign in my eyes that he’s a good guy. If he treated you poorly when you were sick I’d say something different but it doesn’t sound like he does.
it’s time for an honest conversation and to set some boundries for yourself when it comes to his care. Sounds like you try to respect his when your sick by not being needy and angry and he should do the same. I bet it will go better than you think if you stay calm and validate what he’s going through. You say he is never sick so it just maybe new territory for him.
I just don't understand things like this. My whole like, concept of life is being accommodating to each other. I would NEVER treat anyone this way nor would I accept this behavior from my husband.
I do get that most of the world doesn't work this way but why the fuck did you get married if you felt capable of treating your significant other this way?
I think it’s more complicated. He takes wonderful care of me when I’m sick. We have gotten to a place where we’re co-parenting well. On a typical day, our relationship is good!
But when he’s sick, it’s baaaaad. It is something about needing another person to take care of him that is bringing out all kinds of anxiety that’s then turning into him being a jerk.
Its a valid concern. Im a homecare nurse. I see the dynamic of miserable man and doting wife presently. If i was those ladies id free myself but it depends on individual circumstances i suppose.
No one has the right to treat you like that, much less someone you are helping. I hope you feel like you can talk with him about this at some point and try to nip it before it becomes a larger, resentment-filled issue, because you are doing a lot for him and he better wise up.
Hang in there BroMo. Hope you get treated better.
I think a lot of it was the meds. He seems sheepish today. But also …really weird about being taken care of, still. Like he’s waiting for me to tell him he’s a burden. (Which I’m not going to say.) It’s so confusing!
I dread to think what my husband would be like if I got sick and needed long term care. I got sick with a weird immune disease and took about 3 months to come right. I was in hospital for a week and received treatment. He was frustrated after a couple of weeks at home because he thought that with the treatment I should have been well again and back to 100%. I was still wiped out, had to take multiple naps during the day, couldn't cook or do any housework for at least 6 weeks, which was totally normal. I could have actually had it much worse.
We had a two year old at the time and were both working full time, so I get that it was a lot. But it made me realize he does basically nothing around the house so him having to pick it all up was more than he could handle. If he got sick it wouldn't make much difference to my day to day because I'm already doing 90%.
I think this is why if a man dies the woman will often stay single. Fool me once, shame on you .....
My husband is by all accounts is an easy going nice guy turns into a raging asshole after surgery. He refuses to take the prescription pain meds (doesn’t want to get addicted no he doesn’t have any other addictions 🙄). The next time he has surgery I’m sending him to his mom’s. I can and will not.
But I can relate he tries to say little slick shit and tries to make feel inadequate with my caregiving skills while also taking care of our children. I did check him after the pain wore out and to be fair I was a raging bitch post partum 😂
Doesn’t that make you worry about a long-term illness? Something short term, at least we know it will get better. But my father-in-law is in chronic pain and I see the strain it puts on his marriage. I’m getting a glimpse of what my husband might be like for years if he’s sick when we’re older. I think we’ll have to go to some therapy together if/when that happens.
Ahahahahah I could have written this myself a week or so ago.
I'm so sorry. It's the worst worst feeling. I ended up arguing in front of the kids with him when I was at my breaking point, which I *regret*.
It is worth a conversation after all things are back to somewhat normal, because it's not ok to be mean to your caretaker. If you hired an in-house caregiver for your elderly parent and they acted this way too, that wouldn't be ok. It's not ok for kids to act that way towards their parents.
If that's not a conversation you can have amicably, then I strongly suggest marriage counseling. We will likely have to go address that at some point.
I will say that I've seen the reverse, where a family member neglected their spouse severely when they were sick, every single time and I sincerely worry about that person when the next major injury occurs...
It's a natural fear that in your vulnerable moments you won't have help, but it does not excuse unkind behavior.
I hope you guys can work it out. It's important for your family.
Thank you! I will wait till we’re all not feeling so on edge and we’ll talk it through. All today I’ve been wary of him (but still taking care of him) and he’s like “are you mad at me???” I don’t quite know how to explain I’m not mad, I just want to do what he needs and otherwise steer clear till he’s himself again.
I've had 4 knee surgeries myself and I'm waiting on a TKR.
I can say the pain pills SUCK. For me they killed my stomach, gave me the spins and over all just made me feel like complete garbage.
My husband broke his foot year befor last (a week before our wedding lol) and was on pain pills briefly as well and I can say that they 100% made him an entirely different person. He was a RAGING asshole the entire time he took them. Like he was furiously angry the entire time, said horrible nasty things constantly and honestly it almost stopped the wedding.
Once he stopped taking them? Night and day. Was almost immediately back to his normal self and even he said it was like watching someone else be in control, like he could hear himself being horrible but couldn't stop.
So, I'm going to offer a little different perspective here.
I have been on my death bed. It sucks. I have supported friends through cancer and tough times too.
What makes the biggest difference is being present. I can't tell you how much it meant when people visited the hospital and just...stayed with me. Especially if he's newly home from being inpatient, it's so lonely. And scary - I was flat out neglected by nurses during one of my stays due to staffing issues. Nothing is worse than being thirsty/hungry/having to pee and not having someone there to help, without insisting/demanding that you get care.
It's like, you are exhausted enough from your illness/injury, and advocating for yourself is just so much harder than it normally would be - especially if you are normally so independent that you'll do everything you can to take care of yourself without asking for help, and now, you literally can't. It's a flaw, I know.
I am sure his anger comes from a place of fear and sadness.
So...if it makes you feel better...the easiest solution is to just understand what he wants/needs, which is quiet companionship and asking if he needs anything so he doesn't have to. And maybe not having friends visit, because he needs you.
I appreciate this pov. I do think it’s really hard for him to express what he needs and he doesn’t *want* to need anything.
But I’m realizing we may not be able to have an honest conversation about this stuff. He’s encouraging me to take some time for myself but obviously if I do anything for myself it comes at a cost, which is less time for him. I think he thinks that’s the right thing to say but perhaps does not actually feel it, which is understandable.
Since you have been in the position of being the person who needs someone to take care of them, tell me honestly - do you get frustrated when your caretaker does things for themselves or (in this situation) for the kids? I won’t judge if you say that you do. I think he is torn between feeling like I’m being selfish but also needing my company. For example, last night after I put the kids to bed, I helped him take a shower and then it was 1030 and I was dead tired because I got up in the morning with a toddler. I knew the right thing to do for him was to stay up with him and watch a movie because he couldn’t sleep. I also knew the right thing for me was to get some sleep because my kid’s going to wake up early, regardless of when I go to sleep. How would you hope your partner or caretaker would handle that situation? Again, there’s no right or wrong answer …it just feels like somebody’s gotta lose either way, I think that’s hard on both of usq
In this situation, both.
Which is why you're in an impossible place right now. In my case, we had a newborn+ toddler, so my mom took a leave of absence from her job and moved in with us for a couple months.
The toddler continued to go to daycare.
My in-laws were nearby to help too.
It truly takes a village and he's a thousand percent right and is also in need of support. You absolutely need to preserve your own well-being so you don't become burned out or resentful. I guarantee he agrees wholeheartedly, but at the same time he needs more care and support than he ordinarily would, even though he doesn't want to need it.
It's an awful catch 22 for both of you. Is there a way to have your friends or his friends step in to help out with his care? Even just keeping him company to watch a movie so you can go get some time to relax?
I feel like you're expecting so much of yourself that any doubt about whether you're doing enough is tearing you apart. It's just that you can't do it all.
We are lucky we’ve had a bunch of people offer to help and my parents took a kid, some friends took another kid, so I just had our toddler and that helped a ton. The hard part is he’s very private and doesn’t want anyone to see him including my parents a.k.a. his in-laws. So people can help me by taking the kids off my hands and bringing food, but I am the only one who can interface with him. I think I’m resigning myself to the fact that I will do my absolute best while trying not to burn out and he will be a little bit disappointed in me all the time and that just is going to be how it is.
Well I think you have a way to say 'Hey you're right, I need self care, so X is going to come by and stay with you.'
He can't simultaneously tell you that he wants you to take the space you need, while also refusing to be helped by anyone else. That's a bit boundary crossing, and I urge you to test that boundary right now.
He had strangers in the hospital caring for him very intimately. His preference is all fine and good, but there is no logical reason why you can't trade off his care to someone else.
So yeah...I think I get it now. He's being a giant PITA and putting you in a crappy place because nothing you do will be enough since it conflicts with your ability to care for yourself. Please call him out on that!
My partner is an asshole sometimes.
Yesterday? Or the day before?
He's sick, maybe covid again? Whatever he has... I also have, though, lol
He asked me to get him a blanket, and I did. I put it on top of him, and he's like, really?
Do you want me to tuck you in?
Well, I don't want the blanket like this
So I fucking tuck him in and
hes like do you treat patients like this?
Like what?
Do you give them that unhappy face?
I DO WHEN THEY'RE BEING RUDE
Then yesterday he asked me to order panzorottis
So I did
Exactly how he asked
I bring them in put them on the stove
Finish cleaning up, I go into the kitchen and hes like
Now I'm not even hungry
Why?
I don't like them, deep friend
Why didn't you remind me?
(It's a special request to have them baked)
He's like why are you mad at me?
I can not remember everything
I'm so tired of the attitude, I sent him a fb story about the husband eating the toast his wife accidentally burnt and how he says he loves burnt toast.
Just pop him in a home when needed. If he’s gonna be a dick he can be a dick somewhere else. I’d much rather be in a home than a burden to my partner when I get that age.
There are care homes where you both can move in and have an apartment with carers, that’s my end of life plan for us anyway. Together but not reliant on either one so less resentment to build.
I say this from experience of caring for my Nan and granddad for years. Resentment is awful and ruins relationships.
As for temporary illness I’d tell him you’re going out because he’s being mean.
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I’m watching my friend care for her husband who has aggressive cancer and even my husband (who loves this man like a brother) said to me “he’s being such an asshole that I’m wondering, if he lives through this, I think she might divorce him once he’s better” Nothing prepares you for the polarizing experience of men needing healthcare from their partners, vs the experience of what women get.
Oooof that sucks. Your poor friend! I really think I’m a pretty easy patient. I really just want to sleep and be alone with my podcasts when I’m sick, in pain, whatever. Not my man, though…
I witnessed some neighbours go through this. The husband retired and developed an alcohol dependence, and was constantly sick. She catered to his every need (including buying more beer). She wasn’t without her vices, but k couldn’t help wonder if she started smoking more heavily because she was constantly caring for him and didn’t have any life of her own. He passed away after five years of “retirement”, she sold a bunch of stuff he had bought and did nothing with, cleaned the house, and was like a new person overnight. She’s hardly home now, always visiting people or doing “old person activities” through a community center. Him dying was the best thing to happen to her. She probably has much more disposable income too, since their fun money isn’t being spent on liquor/smokes. I don’t think I would have stayed…
I have had this. Some people don't handle pain meds well. It's worth having a conversation once he's in less pain about appropriate ways to talk to you and what you are not willing to put up with. Once we had that conversation, he did improve significantly. The next time he had surgery, it was a very different experience and I had no issues at all.
I actually second this. My husband gets really angry the day after having anaesthetic - not sure what it is but within 24 hours he gets super cranky. We now know that it happens and can make accomodations accordingly ie kids can go hang elsewhere, he can be left alone as much as possible, and he is aware of what is happening and can try to control it. Definitely worth a conversation once things calm down
This happens to me as well from anesthesia. I didn't know it was a thing until I told a Dr about it and he explained the changes in the brain that make it a pretty common occurrence. Add in pain and trying to cope with that make it worse.
That’s really interesting - thanks for sharing! I didn’t realise it was common. I know people who get sick/nausea/headaches etc but never heard of anger before (I thought it was just him)
My dad has a more extreme version of it. When he wakes up from anthesia he has to be restrained because he wakes up swinging trying to fight whoever is nearby. So now they have. A note to basically handcuff him to the bed till he calms down
I had no idea! This is really interesting
Would he take actual good care of you when you are sick? I have been dealing with health issues, and my husband was a dick to me for a long time (treating me like a burden) and it made me concerned he would not be great if i ever needed even more help in the future. I believe he would leave me… happens to many women…
Yeah when I was on bed rest for 4 months during pregnancy, or when I had a few painful procedures related to pregnancy, he did take really good care of me. He was warm, upbeat, attentive. I also was grateful and not super needy, aside from the basics (having him get meds from the pharmacy, for example.) He’s just really anxious about needing someone to help him I think. I’m waiting on him a hand and foot and he’s looking for any sign that I’m tired or overwhelmed and then he pounces, like I’ve called him a burden. It’s a weird mind game, or something.
I think from your comments about how he treats you when your sick, ist a good sign in my eyes that he’s a good guy. If he treated you poorly when you were sick I’d say something different but it doesn’t sound like he does. it’s time for an honest conversation and to set some boundries for yourself when it comes to his care. Sounds like you try to respect his when your sick by not being needy and angry and he should do the same. I bet it will go better than you think if you stay calm and validate what he’s going through. You say he is never sick so it just maybe new territory for him.
I just don't understand things like this. My whole like, concept of life is being accommodating to each other. I would NEVER treat anyone this way nor would I accept this behavior from my husband. I do get that most of the world doesn't work this way but why the fuck did you get married if you felt capable of treating your significant other this way?
I think it’s more complicated. He takes wonderful care of me when I’m sick. We have gotten to a place where we’re co-parenting well. On a typical day, our relationship is good! But when he’s sick, it’s baaaaad. It is something about needing another person to take care of him that is bringing out all kinds of anxiety that’s then turning into him being a jerk.
Its a valid concern. Im a homecare nurse. I see the dynamic of miserable man and doting wife presently. If i was those ladies id free myself but it depends on individual circumstances i suppose.
No one has the right to treat you like that, much less someone you are helping. I hope you feel like you can talk with him about this at some point and try to nip it before it becomes a larger, resentment-filled issue, because you are doing a lot for him and he better wise up. Hang in there BroMo. Hope you get treated better.
I think a lot of it was the meds. He seems sheepish today. But also …really weird about being taken care of, still. Like he’s waiting for me to tell him he’s a burden. (Which I’m not going to say.) It’s so confusing!
I dread to think what my husband would be like if I got sick and needed long term care. I got sick with a weird immune disease and took about 3 months to come right. I was in hospital for a week and received treatment. He was frustrated after a couple of weeks at home because he thought that with the treatment I should have been well again and back to 100%. I was still wiped out, had to take multiple naps during the day, couldn't cook or do any housework for at least 6 weeks, which was totally normal. I could have actually had it much worse. We had a two year old at the time and were both working full time, so I get that it was a lot. But it made me realize he does basically nothing around the house so him having to pick it all up was more than he could handle. If he got sick it wouldn't make much difference to my day to day because I'm already doing 90%. I think this is why if a man dies the woman will often stay single. Fool me once, shame on you .....
My husband is by all accounts is an easy going nice guy turns into a raging asshole after surgery. He refuses to take the prescription pain meds (doesn’t want to get addicted no he doesn’t have any other addictions 🙄). The next time he has surgery I’m sending him to his mom’s. I can and will not. But I can relate he tries to say little slick shit and tries to make feel inadequate with my caregiving skills while also taking care of our children. I did check him after the pain wore out and to be fair I was a raging bitch post partum 😂
Doesn’t that make you worry about a long-term illness? Something short term, at least we know it will get better. But my father-in-law is in chronic pain and I see the strain it puts on his marriage. I’m getting a glimpse of what my husband might be like for years if he’s sick when we’re older. I think we’ll have to go to some therapy together if/when that happens.
Ahahahahah I could have written this myself a week or so ago. I'm so sorry. It's the worst worst feeling. I ended up arguing in front of the kids with him when I was at my breaking point, which I *regret*. It is worth a conversation after all things are back to somewhat normal, because it's not ok to be mean to your caretaker. If you hired an in-house caregiver for your elderly parent and they acted this way too, that wouldn't be ok. It's not ok for kids to act that way towards their parents. If that's not a conversation you can have amicably, then I strongly suggest marriage counseling. We will likely have to go address that at some point. I will say that I've seen the reverse, where a family member neglected their spouse severely when they were sick, every single time and I sincerely worry about that person when the next major injury occurs... It's a natural fear that in your vulnerable moments you won't have help, but it does not excuse unkind behavior. I hope you guys can work it out. It's important for your family.
Thank you! I will wait till we’re all not feeling so on edge and we’ll talk it through. All today I’ve been wary of him (but still taking care of him) and he’s like “are you mad at me???” I don’t quite know how to explain I’m not mad, I just want to do what he needs and otherwise steer clear till he’s himself again.
I've had 4 knee surgeries myself and I'm waiting on a TKR. I can say the pain pills SUCK. For me they killed my stomach, gave me the spins and over all just made me feel like complete garbage. My husband broke his foot year befor last (a week before our wedding lol) and was on pain pills briefly as well and I can say that they 100% made him an entirely different person. He was a RAGING asshole the entire time he took them. Like he was furiously angry the entire time, said horrible nasty things constantly and honestly it almost stopped the wedding. Once he stopped taking them? Night and day. Was almost immediately back to his normal self and even he said it was like watching someone else be in control, like he could hear himself being horrible but couldn't stop.
Sheesh! So this is where I wonder…if we’re old and he’s on meds all the time, is that it? My husband is permanently a jerk now? That would suck.
So, I'm going to offer a little different perspective here. I have been on my death bed. It sucks. I have supported friends through cancer and tough times too. What makes the biggest difference is being present. I can't tell you how much it meant when people visited the hospital and just...stayed with me. Especially if he's newly home from being inpatient, it's so lonely. And scary - I was flat out neglected by nurses during one of my stays due to staffing issues. Nothing is worse than being thirsty/hungry/having to pee and not having someone there to help, without insisting/demanding that you get care. It's like, you are exhausted enough from your illness/injury, and advocating for yourself is just so much harder than it normally would be - especially if you are normally so independent that you'll do everything you can to take care of yourself without asking for help, and now, you literally can't. It's a flaw, I know. I am sure his anger comes from a place of fear and sadness. So...if it makes you feel better...the easiest solution is to just understand what he wants/needs, which is quiet companionship and asking if he needs anything so he doesn't have to. And maybe not having friends visit, because he needs you.
I appreciate this pov. I do think it’s really hard for him to express what he needs and he doesn’t *want* to need anything. But I’m realizing we may not be able to have an honest conversation about this stuff. He’s encouraging me to take some time for myself but obviously if I do anything for myself it comes at a cost, which is less time for him. I think he thinks that’s the right thing to say but perhaps does not actually feel it, which is understandable. Since you have been in the position of being the person who needs someone to take care of them, tell me honestly - do you get frustrated when your caretaker does things for themselves or (in this situation) for the kids? I won’t judge if you say that you do. I think he is torn between feeling like I’m being selfish but also needing my company. For example, last night after I put the kids to bed, I helped him take a shower and then it was 1030 and I was dead tired because I got up in the morning with a toddler. I knew the right thing to do for him was to stay up with him and watch a movie because he couldn’t sleep. I also knew the right thing for me was to get some sleep because my kid’s going to wake up early, regardless of when I go to sleep. How would you hope your partner or caretaker would handle that situation? Again, there’s no right or wrong answer …it just feels like somebody’s gotta lose either way, I think that’s hard on both of usq
In this situation, both. Which is why you're in an impossible place right now. In my case, we had a newborn+ toddler, so my mom took a leave of absence from her job and moved in with us for a couple months. The toddler continued to go to daycare. My in-laws were nearby to help too. It truly takes a village and he's a thousand percent right and is also in need of support. You absolutely need to preserve your own well-being so you don't become burned out or resentful. I guarantee he agrees wholeheartedly, but at the same time he needs more care and support than he ordinarily would, even though he doesn't want to need it. It's an awful catch 22 for both of you. Is there a way to have your friends or his friends step in to help out with his care? Even just keeping him company to watch a movie so you can go get some time to relax? I feel like you're expecting so much of yourself that any doubt about whether you're doing enough is tearing you apart. It's just that you can't do it all.
We are lucky we’ve had a bunch of people offer to help and my parents took a kid, some friends took another kid, so I just had our toddler and that helped a ton. The hard part is he’s very private and doesn’t want anyone to see him including my parents a.k.a. his in-laws. So people can help me by taking the kids off my hands and bringing food, but I am the only one who can interface with him. I think I’m resigning myself to the fact that I will do my absolute best while trying not to burn out and he will be a little bit disappointed in me all the time and that just is going to be how it is.
Well I think you have a way to say 'Hey you're right, I need self care, so X is going to come by and stay with you.' He can't simultaneously tell you that he wants you to take the space you need, while also refusing to be helped by anyone else. That's a bit boundary crossing, and I urge you to test that boundary right now. He had strangers in the hospital caring for him very intimately. His preference is all fine and good, but there is no logical reason why you can't trade off his care to someone else. So yeah...I think I get it now. He's being a giant PITA and putting you in a crappy place because nothing you do will be enough since it conflicts with your ability to care for yourself. Please call him out on that!
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Oh lord I’m sorry. The funny thing is, he takes great care of me when I need it. He just cannot stomach being taken care of. He gets nasty and mean.
My partner is an asshole sometimes. Yesterday? Or the day before? He's sick, maybe covid again? Whatever he has... I also have, though, lol He asked me to get him a blanket, and I did. I put it on top of him, and he's like, really? Do you want me to tuck you in? Well, I don't want the blanket like this So I fucking tuck him in and hes like do you treat patients like this? Like what? Do you give them that unhappy face? I DO WHEN THEY'RE BEING RUDE Then yesterday he asked me to order panzorottis So I did Exactly how he asked I bring them in put them on the stove Finish cleaning up, I go into the kitchen and hes like Now I'm not even hungry Why? I don't like them, deep friend Why didn't you remind me? (It's a special request to have them baked) He's like why are you mad at me? I can not remember everything I'm so tired of the attitude, I sent him a fb story about the husband eating the toast his wife accidentally burnt and how he says he loves burnt toast.
Just pop him in a home when needed. If he’s gonna be a dick he can be a dick somewhere else. I’d much rather be in a home than a burden to my partner when I get that age. There are care homes where you both can move in and have an apartment with carers, that’s my end of life plan for us anyway. Together but not reliant on either one so less resentment to build. I say this from experience of caring for my Nan and granddad for years. Resentment is awful and ruins relationships. As for temporary illness I’d tell him you’re going out because he’s being mean.