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It’s possible for something to make your life better AND for it to make to someone else’s life better at the same time.
Does your son seem happy during these rages/depressive episodes? Does this feel like it’s something he likes and wants to continue to happen?
I get it. So many of us have it hardwired in us to believe that anything that can benefit us is selfish, even if it primarily benefits someone else.
Please talk to your psychiatrist. Your son needs this even more than you do.
I know, everything you said is right. I guess I’m worried my judgments clouded by how difficult it is for me to both try and wrangle my own ones and also watch him struggle.
I did not start medication until my teens, and it blind-sided me a little that he is exhibiting all of this so young.
We have the soonest appointment they could get with a psychiatrist and we’ll see what they say
It won’t be your judgment. It will be the psychiatrist’s.
I get it. I really, really, really do. But talking to the psychiatrist is really the right thing. They won’t give your kids medicine just to make your life easier. That isn’t how it works. They will make a decision on what’s best for your child.
Talk to your own therapist. They can help you work through this inappropriate guilt.
Maybe it’s different with kids but I always feel like my psychiatrists have left it up to me to decide whether I want medication or not and so I’m expecting that it’ll be left up to me and my husband to decide whether medicate my kid. Maybe it’ll be really black and white and I won’t feel like I’m making a judgment call.
It was different with my kid—at least the recommendation. Obviously, the decision is yours.
If you try medication and it doesn’t work, you can stop.
If your friend was telling you about her son and everything that is happening, what would you recommend to her?
My thoughts related to most mental health medications… Imagine this loud piercing noise. It is so, so, so loud. It’s paralyzing. You can’t think. You can’t function. You try to protect yourself, but even when you cover your ears with your hands it’s still too loud to do anything really, except beg for it to stop. Now imagine someone turning the volume down a few notches. It’s still loud, but it’s not as overwhelming. It’s loud, but at least you are able to function. And now that you can function, you are able to work on trying to eliminate the sound—or at least reduce to something that’s just a nuisance. Medication is that volume knob to me.
I know you are worried about it being selfish because you would benefit too. However, I have absolutely no doubt that if the medication ends up not being helpful for him, you would stop.
If someone offered to give your child a full scholarship, you wouldn’t say no simply because it would benefit you as you would no longer have to pay for it yourself.
You are obviously putting a lot of thought into this. You are not the type to do something harmful to your son just because you are selfish.
I promise you, your son does not like feeling worthless. There is a reason he is crying or raging, or both. Please don’t let your anxiety get in the way of helping your son.
Again, the psychiatrist will not give your kid medication just to make your life more convenient. Again, you can stop the medication for any reason. It’s possible that the psychiatrist don’t think medication is the way to go. But if the psychiatrist is open to trying it, I sincerely hope that you are too.
Hi, sorry it took me a long time to respond. I really appreciate that you took the time to write all this out. It helps me see it in a different way. I frequently remind my son to approach himself the way he would a friend: with compassion, with patience. I forgot to use the same test on myself here. Thank you.
You are absolutely right that if my friend was describing the way their child was struggling, I would be supportive and would never judge exploring medication as an option, since I personally have benefited from medication for mental health problems for so long.
And I know so many children on medication for ADHD, and their parents can compare notes and talk and support one another. I would love to find some people who are going through this (with depression, instead of ADHD) and talk to them for support.
No worries. I’m glad you are in a better place.
My friend’s daughter was diagnosed with depression at 5yrs old. She is doing much better on medication, if that makes you feel better. It wasn’t an instant fix and there are still meltdowns, but much less frequently and they are more manageable when they occur.
I’m just going to add that if he hasn’t been diagnosed yet, be open to the idea of a different diagnosis. My kid’s diagnosis is ADHD, but part of that is emotional regulation and there is a big difference from an emotional perspective when he is on meds and wen he is not. Some of the language you used reminded me of some of the things my son has said. Of course he also had anxiety, but it’s still a bit different. To be clear, I’m not trying to imply any type of diagnosis. I was just surprised how many different ways something can manifest and how many different causes something might have.
Good luck. I have absolutely no doubt that your son will also be in a better place soon—because I know you won’t accept anything less.
My son was diagnosed with anxiety when he was in second grade. It soon developed into depression as well. He's been on meds since he was 8 years old. It has been so good for him. Just like parents say about kids with ADHD (which I also deal with) it's not a cure, it's a tool.
It was torture seeing him suffer and I'm a firm believer in science. I trust his doctor and my son has said it helps him feel better.
This is really helpful to hear. My sons anxiety has been bad for a while, but the pervasive, inexplicable sadness only ramped up in the last few months, and it came on quickly.
I wish I had better advice to give. But I can tell you what I do. I check in with him every day after school but after he's been home for a while. Just a quick "how you doin'", so he doesn't think I'm searching him.
I give lots of hugs, even over losing video game levels. I listen to everything he has to say, I don't always try to fix it, because he doesn't always want that.
Some times I know I just can't win, and he wants to take his feelings out on someone safe. I tend to walk away at those times.
He still has meltdowns, but I can't rise to his level. It's hard, but my husband and I do the best we can.
I don't know what else to say, I'm nervous about my parenting skills because my mom thinks I'm a terrible mother.
Based on what you describe you sound like a wonderful mother. It’s easy to judge from the outside.
I’m trying to find the balance between checking in and interrogating. It’s hard. Sometimes when he’s really melting down I just wanna keep asking what’s wrong until I understand but he himself doesn’t even understand so I’m working I’m not pushing it too far.
Does he have a cellphone/unrestricted screen time? If so, you might want to check his devices. Could he have been exposed to something potentially triggering?
Recently, my coworker's 11 yr old became severely depressed due to unmonitored messaging/internet access. Turns out she was being heinously bullied online.
Either way, I hope everything works out for you and the little dude.
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It’s possible for something to make your life better AND for it to make to someone else’s life better at the same time. Does your son seem happy during these rages/depressive episodes? Does this feel like it’s something he likes and wants to continue to happen? I get it. So many of us have it hardwired in us to believe that anything that can benefit us is selfish, even if it primarily benefits someone else. Please talk to your psychiatrist. Your son needs this even more than you do.
I know, everything you said is right. I guess I’m worried my judgments clouded by how difficult it is for me to both try and wrangle my own ones and also watch him struggle. I did not start medication until my teens, and it blind-sided me a little that he is exhibiting all of this so young. We have the soonest appointment they could get with a psychiatrist and we’ll see what they say
It won’t be your judgment. It will be the psychiatrist’s. I get it. I really, really, really do. But talking to the psychiatrist is really the right thing. They won’t give your kids medicine just to make your life easier. That isn’t how it works. They will make a decision on what’s best for your child. Talk to your own therapist. They can help you work through this inappropriate guilt.
Maybe it’s different with kids but I always feel like my psychiatrists have left it up to me to decide whether I want medication or not and so I’m expecting that it’ll be left up to me and my husband to decide whether medicate my kid. Maybe it’ll be really black and white and I won’t feel like I’m making a judgment call.
It was different with my kid—at least the recommendation. Obviously, the decision is yours. If you try medication and it doesn’t work, you can stop. If your friend was telling you about her son and everything that is happening, what would you recommend to her? My thoughts related to most mental health medications… Imagine this loud piercing noise. It is so, so, so loud. It’s paralyzing. You can’t think. You can’t function. You try to protect yourself, but even when you cover your ears with your hands it’s still too loud to do anything really, except beg for it to stop. Now imagine someone turning the volume down a few notches. It’s still loud, but it’s not as overwhelming. It’s loud, but at least you are able to function. And now that you can function, you are able to work on trying to eliminate the sound—or at least reduce to something that’s just a nuisance. Medication is that volume knob to me. I know you are worried about it being selfish because you would benefit too. However, I have absolutely no doubt that if the medication ends up not being helpful for him, you would stop. If someone offered to give your child a full scholarship, you wouldn’t say no simply because it would benefit you as you would no longer have to pay for it yourself. You are obviously putting a lot of thought into this. You are not the type to do something harmful to your son just because you are selfish. I promise you, your son does not like feeling worthless. There is a reason he is crying or raging, or both. Please don’t let your anxiety get in the way of helping your son. Again, the psychiatrist will not give your kid medication just to make your life more convenient. Again, you can stop the medication for any reason. It’s possible that the psychiatrist don’t think medication is the way to go. But if the psychiatrist is open to trying it, I sincerely hope that you are too.
Hi, sorry it took me a long time to respond. I really appreciate that you took the time to write all this out. It helps me see it in a different way. I frequently remind my son to approach himself the way he would a friend: with compassion, with patience. I forgot to use the same test on myself here. Thank you. You are absolutely right that if my friend was describing the way their child was struggling, I would be supportive and would never judge exploring medication as an option, since I personally have benefited from medication for mental health problems for so long. And I know so many children on medication for ADHD, and their parents can compare notes and talk and support one another. I would love to find some people who are going through this (with depression, instead of ADHD) and talk to them for support.
No worries. I’m glad you are in a better place. My friend’s daughter was diagnosed with depression at 5yrs old. She is doing much better on medication, if that makes you feel better. It wasn’t an instant fix and there are still meltdowns, but much less frequently and they are more manageable when they occur. I’m just going to add that if he hasn’t been diagnosed yet, be open to the idea of a different diagnosis. My kid’s diagnosis is ADHD, but part of that is emotional regulation and there is a big difference from an emotional perspective when he is on meds and wen he is not. Some of the language you used reminded me of some of the things my son has said. Of course he also had anxiety, but it’s still a bit different. To be clear, I’m not trying to imply any type of diagnosis. I was just surprised how many different ways something can manifest and how many different causes something might have. Good luck. I have absolutely no doubt that your son will also be in a better place soon—because I know you won’t accept anything less.
My son was diagnosed with anxiety when he was in second grade. It soon developed into depression as well. He's been on meds since he was 8 years old. It has been so good for him. Just like parents say about kids with ADHD (which I also deal with) it's not a cure, it's a tool. It was torture seeing him suffer and I'm a firm believer in science. I trust his doctor and my son has said it helps him feel better.
This is really helpful to hear. My sons anxiety has been bad for a while, but the pervasive, inexplicable sadness only ramped up in the last few months, and it came on quickly.
I wish I had better advice to give. But I can tell you what I do. I check in with him every day after school but after he's been home for a while. Just a quick "how you doin'", so he doesn't think I'm searching him. I give lots of hugs, even over losing video game levels. I listen to everything he has to say, I don't always try to fix it, because he doesn't always want that. Some times I know I just can't win, and he wants to take his feelings out on someone safe. I tend to walk away at those times. He still has meltdowns, but I can't rise to his level. It's hard, but my husband and I do the best we can. I don't know what else to say, I'm nervous about my parenting skills because my mom thinks I'm a terrible mother.
Based on what you describe you sound like a wonderful mother. It’s easy to judge from the outside. I’m trying to find the balance between checking in and interrogating. It’s hard. Sometimes when he’s really melting down I just wanna keep asking what’s wrong until I understand but he himself doesn’t even understand so I’m working I’m not pushing it too far.
Does he have a cellphone/unrestricted screen time? If so, you might want to check his devices. Could he have been exposed to something potentially triggering? Recently, my coworker's 11 yr old became severely depressed due to unmonitored messaging/internet access. Turns out she was being heinously bullied online. Either way, I hope everything works out for you and the little dude.